The Nick DiPaolo Show - Fun Size Fentanyl | Nick Di Paolo Show #1285

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

Aaron Judge homerun ball. Biden drops F-bomb. Girl kills sister for flirting. Stepmother tries to castrate child. Fentanyl bust in NYC. Adult golf.

Ladies and gentlemen, make sure to join me on Patreon to get the exclusive Encore episode. Today I'll be talking about Candace Owen and Kanye West, it was his idea, trolling BLM and their crazy reaction to it. So join in for that. You'll also get access to all the past shows, including every Encore show, discounts on merchandise and more. Visit patreon.com slash the Nick DiPaolo show to sign up today. Bro, they f***ing didn't get up, bro. Stealing their s***. Damn, they taking their shoes, bro?

Yo, what the f***? Some suckers got some f***. What are they going to do to them when they find out they don't fit? And now, here's Nick! Welcome to the show, Ed, how are ya? You smell like whiskey as usual. Great show tonight, folks, on a Thursday night. Always a great crowd on Thursday nights. We have a guy from a really mediocre show called The Courtship of Eddie's Father, Bill Bixby, a real pencil neck. And we got a hot piece of ass. I think she's done everybody in Hollywood,

Lola Falana. She's got fruit on her head. I might be confusing one of the other Spanish broads. And a great football player in L.A. Ram who's into needlepoint like a bitch. And I'll say that to his face. Rosie Greer is here. That's true, by the way. Rosie Greer, he's a Hall of Famer. Biggest, blackest dude. But he was always in movies and sitcoms and shit. You know, he's a likable. But he took up needlepoint.

And nobody would fuck with him. See him in the lock room just to have time to relax. Nobody, nobody would. Rosie Greer. I had a joke about when I first started comedy. Something about it felt like I was being anally raped by Rosie Greer. That's how old I am. That that got a laugh.

A big laugh. Because that was what, late 80s, so he was still around. I'm guessing he'd be dead now, what not, being black and that big. Long time ago, I'm guessing. I just wanted to, real quick, just read the headlines to you guys, because they get more atrocious and vicious. I'm not even going to tell you, well, I'll tell you now. I read a story last night in the New York Post. Some black kid breaks, like a crazy teenager, breaks into a maternity ward. I think his girlfriend said she was pregnant, whatever. He breaks in and starts choking newborn babies

until they're turning blue, until somebody starts. Can you make this shit up? Here's one for you. A woman accused of shoving three-year-old off Chicago's Navy Pier. It was three-year-old, her nephew, and watched him drown. Black chick. Mentally ill, of course, like kidnapped,

her own nephew. Can you make this shit up? I mean, the world's gone fucking... Just trying to get to the front page here. Come on, you... Sister's box. Just hold on. I just want to read a couple more. Oh, here's box. Just hold on. I just want to read a couple more.

Oh, here's one I should have done. I just saw. U.S. tourist, singular, smashes two ancient Vatican bus after he's denied visit with the Pope. That's going to do our reputation a lot of goo. Goo, did I just say? It's gonna do a lot of goo. At first I thought it might have been my sister and her brother-in-law because they were in Italy, but apparently not. Here's another Anyways. There's more.

I don't want to bore you. But they get more fucking violence. And there's a couple here. A lady trying to castrate her kid or nephew or whatever the fuck. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. First story. Let's do an update on Aaron Judge, because we told you that he broke the record, as you all know.

But we didn't tell you, like, there wasn't any detail on who caught the ball, what it's worth, and all that, which is half the fun of this. As he walked through a concourse in the outfield at Globe Life Field, high-fiving with the fans and surrounded by a sea of cameras. It was almost as if Corey Eumanns had hit a huge home run. Instead, he hit the jackpot. Eumanns made the catch of a lifetime on Tuesday night. We don't have the clip. I showed you the clip of the home run. He had the glove and he reached over. Snagging the ball, New York Yankee Aaron Judge launched

for his non-steroid American League record 60 second home run. Hot dogs, get your hot dogs here. You watch the clip. He must have looked at the stadium charts and says, where's a good... Because that's like, I would think that's prime. He was on the first row of the first section in left field. You know, there's a space between like the bullpen. Perfect, you know.

And yeah, he reached over. There were a couple people about to catch it in Yankee shirts. So anyways, the historic souvenir came sailing into the front row of Section 31 in the left field. A drive judge hit to lead off the second game of a day-night doubleheader against the Rangers. Yeoman sneered it on the fly. So they interviewed him as he was walking, I guess after, walking through the concourse. And real quick, this is the guy. What are you going to do with the ball, Corey?

It's a good question. I haven't thought about it. You're going to keep it, or you're going to give it back to Aaron? Fucking people. Hey, he didn't hit it. He caught it. Jesus Christ. Boy, does money roll, huh?

I haven't thought about it. The hell you haven't. That's why you were sitting in the best seat in the house. Oh, you've thought about it. Uh, humans, uh, by the way, that's not H-U-M-A-N-S, by the way, that's U, the word U, and mans. Let's call him Yeoman. Yeoman, who is from Dallas, works in finance. Ken Golden, the executive chairman of Golden Auctions, told the New York Times he believes the ball would fetch about between $750,000 and $1.25 million if he puts it up for sale. However, J.P. Cohen, the president of memorabilia site Memory Lane, has said he'd pay $2 million for the ball and loan it for a display at Yankee Stadium. On Wednesday, he said the offer is still on the table. Give me the fucking money.

That's Mr. Cohen. You hear me? I said come here, bust my body. Give me the fucking money. He doesn't look like he could afford something that's two million. Does he? I mean, come on. It seems foolish to have all this money lying around. Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it? Oh, my God.

Money. Money. Money. Anyways, I feel, Mr. Cohen said, I feel the offer is way above fair if he is inclined to sell it. Cohen said in a telephone interview with the AP, oh, that's what he said. I like how they put that at the end. They give you the statement first. You fucking, anyhow.

So this guy apparently, you know, he collects this stuff. And somebody said the Mickey Mantle card is still the most expensive one out there worth, I forget what the figure is. I'm not going to guess, but it was insane. Let's put it this way. You could sell it and wipe out our debt. Okay, I'm exaggerating a shred. But that guy, huh?

How about this? Can I put my two cents in? And I know you're going to go, oh, that's easy for you to say. How about going, I want to go in the locker room and hand it to him and shake his hand and get a picture and maybe bang his wife. Listen, what? Who? Huh?

And I'd say, I want to see your cock. Because you're 6'8". Just for it to be proportional. It's got to be like what you're swinging. That's all I'd say. Wouldn't that be funny? And you know Pete Rose or some guy

would do it just to be funny. Or how about this? If you're going to fetch money for it, like say to Aaron, I'm going to sell it to this guy Cohen. He's going to give me $2 million. I'll give you a mil and I'll keep a mil. Not that he needs...

But Aaron Judge will hand that to a charity or whatever. No? Isn't that kind of... It's Aaron Judge's ball. But Aaron Judge is so cool. He said yesterday, fans have every right to their ball. Guy's just super cool. He said yesterday, the fans have every right to that ball. The guy's just super cool.

Says the right thing. But, I mean, you work hard. Little League, high school, college. I mean, that's going to stand for a long time. I would just think it would be very nice to hand him the ball. Can I get a picture of your penis on my shoulder? I want to put tape around it. Some pine tar.

Anyways, I'm a sick fuck. There's no crying in baseball! Ah, shut it. The most expensive home run baseball of all time went for $3 million, including commission in 1999. That was the ball that Mark McGuire hit for his then

record 70th home run in 1998. You can see all the needle marks on the back of the ball. Anyways, so that was the update. Let's skip ahead to yesterday to one of the greatest presidents this country's ever seen. Headline F, Joe Biden apparently dropped an F-bomb. I knew there was a joke in there somewhere. I didn't have time to figure it out. I was starving. While visiting Fort Myers, Florida, to assess the damage caused by Hurricane Ian,

or you could pronounce it I-an, like I-an... I-an Eagle? Is that his name, the announcer? There's a football announcer who says iron. Can you fucking imagine? Maybe that's how it's spelled. Iron, maybe that's how the English say it. President Biden can be heard saying,

no one fucks with a Biden, to which I tweeted back, really? I get 250 escorts that will say fucking that's wrong. Ask Hunter. He thinks he's such a tough guy. Although it's unclear what else he is saying or who he's talking to, this comment is very clearly heard.

Listen. No one fucks with a Biden. Yeah, I got the image. No one fucks with a Biden yeah nobody but China Russia anybody who's in power the Saudis the people that work for you nobody fucks with a Biden he thinks he's so goddamn tough look I say fuck as much as anybody I'm just saying he thinks he's a... Remember, he did this before and he knows he's on an open mic. When he did it with Obama... Anyways, Biden and First Lady Jill Biden were in Fort Myers, Florida. And of course, Jill knew I were there, but Joe... What are we doing? He has no idea. What's going on right now? This is a construction site, Joe.

To meet the victims of Hurricane Ian and hold a press conference with Governor DeSantis. Fuck Joe Biden! Fuck Joe Biden! That's what DeSantis' face is saying. Look. Look at DeSantis' face. He wants to crack him in the back of the head. Oh, my God.

Fuck Joe Biden! What a sap. The president and the governor's relationship with each other has been a prominent topic as they have previously expressed dislike for each other because one's for the truth and for fairness and the other one's just a crooked old man with a nasty attitude who likes to shower with his daughter and sniff Cub Scouts tits. However, the president and the governor have both made it clear that their main priority is the health and well-being of Floridians. When the Affordable Care Act was signed into law by Obama, tough guy Joe dropped an F-bomb back then, too. Remember that? And he did this on purpose. He knows there's a mic right there. Remember this one? Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States of America, Barack Obama.

Last time he said a full sentence. Look at Obama. Obama's, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out of the way, you old white fool. Could you see Obama was like, he was like this. You could tell he didn't like him. Boy, and I used to go, why doesn't he like him? Sorry, Mr. Obama, it's very clear to the world why he didn't like him.

But Joe, they have, they miked him. He says fuck a lot in West Wing. Listen to this. Fuck a fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, Who, when, and how I fuck is none of your business, Joey. That's all. Somebody put all the fucks from Scarface on a thing. That goes for another three minutes, by the way. I still love that moment.

Of course, I told you my story about that. I went to see it in a theater when it came out, and like a fucking, oh, I thought I was a clever little dude, I snuck down the fucking, I wanted to be first because it was packed in the lobby and the ticket guy left the thing

so i went down still have my ticket um you know i wasn't sneaking i already paid for it i went down to the doors so i would get in first when they emptied. The fucking doors swing open. Somebody comes out. What do I see? Montana floating face down in the pool. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, no. True story. And, of course, this is what I did.

It's sort of like when you see a score of a game that you're recording and you talk yourself into going, no, maybe the Eagles were winning. It wasn't the other way around. You ever do that? You're like, maybe I saw the score and you watch the game. God, that was a bummer. It'd be like watching a porn and starting with a money shot. It just takes the fun out of it.

You know what I'm saying? Hey, guys, please take a moment and click the share button to share today's episode with a friend or a coworker or a comrade or a Nazi. Nothing helps the show grow as much as word of mouth. And I thank all of you who have mouths and continue to let people know about us. The show is growing. Thank God for that. uh you know it's uh it's needed there's a lot of shows but this is the most honest one i gotta say i you know rogan's got a great show obviously but you know he's under contract he can only go so far without getting booted um so you know i'm not comparing myself to rogan i'm much fun, but that's not the point. The point is we get to say all kinds of shit, and I'm so unfamous,

I haven't been picked on yet by the IRS or anybody. That'll happen real soon. No, no, no, no! In our FLA segment tonight, Florida just keeps on giving us good ones. Now, I was telling you how cruel and the headlines get more atrocious every day in this country.

This headline, stab through the heart and you're to blame. Go ahead. You should have did that into the mic. You give love a bad name. Wow, wow, wow. A 21-year-old Florida woman, woman, she looks like a fucking kid, was charged with first-degree murder.

They call men crazy when it comes to passion and crime. Listen to this. Allegedly stabbing her sister to death after learning she had been flirting with her boyfriend okay fatia marzan and i just said to dallas get used to these headlines folks we were already violent a violent we're a violent society okay that's just we came about through by whatever but it's going to kick up about 10 notches. Now that we have half of South America here, tons of people from the Middle East who still believe in honor killings, all kinds of horse shit.

I'm just saying. It's going to really kick up. Unless somebody, you know, I don't know. Look at, she looks a little nuts. I can't tell if she's 11 or 28. I know. Kind of creepy. at... She looks a little nuts. I can't tell if she's 11 or 28. Kind of creepy. Fatia Marzan reportedly killed her younger sister

a 20-year-old bucket of hummus. No. No. No. Saima Marzan at 4.30 in the morning on September 26th in the bedroom they shared in the family's Orlando home.

Ay, ay, ay. Fatih had just found out that her long-distance boyfriend of five years and her sister had been flirting with one another and messages exchanged through a video game they played together, the Orlando Sentinel reported. Why don't you stab your boyfriend, you nitwit?

Not that you stab anybody, but I'm just saying. She allegedly decided to kill Seema after she learned her boyfriend had told Seema he loved her. She purchased a dagger-style knife set from Mike Lindell. My knives. My daggers. My daggers.

My daggers. They're the best daggers ever. I guarantee you could stab your sister in the ribs with a thing. It's not going to bend. He's got that voice. So she orders a set of daggers from Amazon. Thank God they got there in time. Two weeks before stabbing, the investigation says,

Can you fucking... I'm going to stab you through the heart with a fucking pencil. Do you understand me? No, a dagger. She hid the knives in a closet, waited until her family members went to bed, what an evil little bitch, before pulling out a knife

and allegedly stabbing her sister in the heart three to four times in the bedroom they shared. Are you fucking kidding me? Get out of my room, you sick cunt. Yeah, maybe that's what triggered it. Fatiha called 911 hours later at 7 30 p.m and reportedly said she stabbed her sister deputies responded and found sema dead inside the home fatia confessed to stabbing sema three to four times specifically in the freaking heart you're crazy I'm not crazy. I just don't give a fuck.

She is being held in Orange County Jail without bond. Here's some footage of a priest trying at the... They brought her to a psych ward after the police station, and they had a priest, some spiritual support for her, trying to talk to her. It didn't go that well. spiritual support for her trying to talk to her it didn't go that well I have faith you're such a little girl your mother eats kitty litter

your mama eats kitty litter. Nobody talk about my mama. Oh, my God. Remember that show when it was really, really funny? Oh, God. Oh, Fatia. Stabbing your sister? Huh? It's usually guys, I gotta admit. It's usually the guys pulling that shit.

If I can't have you, nobody's gonna have you, you know. But your own sister, for the love of God. So you think she's a sick mother? I'll talk about a real sick mother now. What a segue, Nick. I know, it's tremendous. One sick mother, a depraved North Nick. I know, it's tremendous. One sick mother, a depraved North Carolina woman.

Is there any other kind? Fink, mwak, wak. A depraved North Carolina woman was charged with attempted murder after allegedly trying to castrate her five-year-old stepson, according to reports. They have the audio. Horrible. Bracey Renee Bird, B-Y-R-D. See, now, when I saw that, I went, oh, that's the fucking, you know what, that's the front man for the group Blackfoot.

Went back and forth with Skinner. That's Renee Bird. What a piece of, I don't know, Stephen Tyler's high school picture. 33 years old of Wilson is also facing several other charges in the alleged abuse of the young boy who is her adopted stepson. The abuse investigation was sparked in July after the Wilson County Sheriff's Office received a referral from the Wilson County Department of Social Services, the television station reported. Authorities said the child was brought into a hospital with severe burns where other injuries were also discovered. That's, if I was a zillionaire, that's where all my charity money would go to whatever organizations help kids you know um because this shit goes half you know it happens behind closed doors and

even when the government sends people from social services uh they do nothing they have to like see the parents in the act of choking the kid it depends on where you're at even just a simple accusation will get the kid ripped right up because they have to respond immediately, and it's traumatizing either way. Yes. Yes. Thank you for refuting what I just said, but it's a good point. The small child I had bruising to his face.

But see, what I'm saying is I think in that situation, and you're right because kids now fucking, you know, they hate their parents. He fucking slapped me on the ass, whatever. It goes that way, but I'd rather them overreact that way than under react. In New York, I would read every day of the paper about, you know, a kid being beat to death by a parent or whatever the fuck, scalded with hot water. And in the article almost every article it says they were out there a couple of months ago and and saw nothing or whatever the fuck which sometimes I'm sure is true but you ever see who works social

services say people who are giving you coke at Wendy's I mean the drink not the the small child had bruising to his face this This is what makes me sick. And I try not to think about shit like this. And it's weird. When I see a little kid, when somebody has a baby, that's where my mind goes first. How defenseless little kids are. I don't know why. I have a dark state. Nothing.

I'm saying. That's what I worry about if there's some sicko. Anyways, arms, heads, legs, back, and genital area. Somebody ought to beat her within, well, they will if they find out why. On top of the attempted murder charge, Bird faces counts of felony child abuse, inflicting serious bodily injury, malicious castration, as opposed to what? Casual? What other kind of castration is it? Well, I guess it's consensual.

You know what I mean? I'm sick of my cock. First degree kidnapping as well as three additional charges of not wearing makeup, greasy hair and a snatch that stinks like a fucking low tide. Good night, everybody.

You're a real crumbum. Oh, me or her? I didn't do nothing. She was arrested September 30th. She's in jail on a $2 million secure bond. Wow, when it's whitey, they sure get that fucking... Anyhow. Well, luckily it's North Carolina. If she were in New York, she'd be back on the streets. No, she wouldn't. it's whitey, they should get that fucking... Anyhow. Well, luckily, it's North Carolina. If she were in New York, she'd be back on the streets.

No, she wouldn't. She's white. Oh, yeah, she's white. Yeah, no, Alvin Bragg would fucking give her everything that he could. Hey, guys, make plans to come and see me on the road. Here are my upcoming stand-up dates. Friday, November 11th, Palm Beach Kennel Club, West Palm Beach, Florida. Saturday, November 12th, the next night, Club, West Palm Beach, Florida. Saturday, November

12th, the next night, Snappers Comedy Club, still standing in Fort Myers. Good for you. Sunday, November 13th, Sidesplitters Comedy Club, one of my favorite clubs in Tampa. And at the Tampa show, I'll be doing a live Q&A with people who have VIP tickets. So grab those before they're gone. You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdimp.com. Here's the other thing that's happened in this country that Joe Biden, I don't think he's mentioned once. Have you ever heard the word fentanyl come out of his fucking hole? Or is it too big a word for him?

Hasn't done a thing. And he's the reason it's flooding in here, his fucking open border policy. I shouldn't say him, the douchebags who are running the country. Listen to this. Authorities in New York City arrested one person and seized nearly 15,000 rainbow fentanyl pills that were disguised and hidden in a Lego box in what was the largest drug bust of its kind to date in the city. How evil is this? This shit will kill you. And again, we keep talking, even adults who take drugs and they say it's a fentanyl overdose, it's not an overdose.

It's meant to kill you. They say 40% of like pills out there, only 40% have fentanyl and shit in them. And like lethal doses. It's not an overdose. It's China and Mexico wiping out the fucking future generations in this country. Not a fucking accident, folks. But you keep that border open, like down a thousand other reasons to shut it. With Halloween just around the corner, the fentanyl pills have been made to look like candy. Oh, boy. Delicious. Delicious. Thank you. And prescription medications, that's the other thing. Like a teenage girl goes, I need a Xanax, and her girlfriend, here I go, and she's dead. Again,

girl goes, I need a Xanax in a girlfriend. Here I go, and she's dead. Again, no accident. It's an act of war, really. Prescription medication in what officials say appears to be a disturbing attempt to market the deadly synthetic opioid to children. You think? The drug

between that and their teachers at school saying, you know, you can have a pussy and a dick, whatever you want. They'll grow up just fine. Don't worry about it. Who the hell's texting me here? Holy shit. I'll be God damn. Donald J. Trump. He wants to tell me my flu shot is waiting. That's Walgreens telling me my flu shot is waiting. You know what? I usually get a flu shot. I don't know what's in there. I don't trust you.

I was part of the goddamn, you know what, Tuskegee thing. I'm not going to fall for that again. The Drug Enforcement Administration, I think we call that the DEA, and New York Police cooperated in the investigation and announced the arrest

in a press conference on Tuesday. Rainbow fentanyl is a clear and present danger, and it is here in New York City, DEA Special Agent Charge Frank Tarantino said in a statement. Approximately 40% of the pills we analyze in our lab contain a lethal dose of fentanyl. That's almost half, folks. And you wonder why 100,000 people last year, I mean, have you heard shitheads say anything about it? Or shit woman, her vice president, have they mentioned?

No, because then they would have to talk about the border. Anything to hold on to power. Fuck your kids. We don't care. A lethal dose and a recent 15-week enforcement operation. DEA New York seized a half a million lethal pills. Now we're talking. There's these staggering statistics underscore the importance of reminding the public that just one pill can kill.

And this operation alone removed the equivalent of a half a million lethal doses of fentanyl from circulation in the Empire State. In the same reporting period, DEA sees the equivalent of over 36 million lethal doses. How is that? I mean, they might as well just be shooting at us. This is like probably the story that's underreported the most. Letitia Bush, 48. Letitia Bush, 48. I'm black, y'all, and I'm black, y'all, and I'm blacker than black, and I'm black, y'all. Why are you saying that, Nick? I don't know.

Letitia. Of Trenton, New Jersey, was arrested and has been charged. That's another thing. She's from Trenton. Has been charged with criminal possession of a controlled substance. Authorities said that on Wednesday, September 28th, while conducting a surveillance operation as part of an ongoing investigation into narcotics trafficking, they observed Bush, the woman carrying what appeared to be a black tote bag, wrapped around a large object. As she entered a vehicle in front of 475 10th Avenue in Manhattan, agents and officers stopped the vehicle and alleged,

well, you know, they're always picking on black people in their cars, and allegedly found Bush in the rear seat with two black tote bags and a yellow Lego container. Inside the Lego box, officials say they discovered several brick-shaped packages covered in black tape. Hmm, wonder what those are. When they opened it, it was found to contain approximately

15,000 pills. Preliminary lab testing indicated the presence of fentanyl. Authorities said, You fucking whore. Yeah, that's it. Go home. Get my dinner ready. She's just there to poison kids. Let's put them in a lego box what

the investigation i'm trying to figure out the lego box thing that just happened to be a box you used well right it's also you know kind of in incognito it's oh yeah yeah yeah nobody's gonna question it. Well, now they are. Nick DiPaolo reported it. They'll be all over that shit like white-armed rice. I just made that up.

The investigation traced the origins of those pills to Mexico and the Sanoa cartel and the Jalisco New Generation cartel. So that's what's going on over there.

Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. That's what's going on over there. That's a nice picture of them. They're having a picnic in Central Park. That's a guy holding up. Jesus. Goodness gracious, Heloise, folks.

What is going on in the world? I'll tell you what's going on. If you're a sports fan, this might be the best weekend, the next couple weekends, of the best of your lives of the whole year, especially right here. This weekend, playoff baseball. You can say a lot about baseball, but playoff baseball is great. Everybody hangs on every pitch.

The NHL kicks into swing this coming week. You've got college and NFL football. I mean, come on. UFC, if you get bored with that, you put on UFC. I think I've paid enough to the UFC to build one of their own arenas. That sport, I want to thank Dana White and whoever else, Rogan, for making it so popular. Look how asymmetrical my, do you see this shoulder, folks? It never went, do you see how it's slanted down

as opposed to this one? Maybe you don't, but this one came out of the socket after I had an operation. It never really healed properly. Got some good matchups here, too. You do? Yeah, Tennessee and LSU. Dallas loves this shit. TCU and Kansas.

TCU and Kansas. Utah. Oh, what's TCU's record? TCU is 4-0 right now and so is kansas kansas is five and oh last time kansas was good you know who they're running back with gail sayers seriously that's where you play anyways go ahead and then we've got Utah and UCLA. Those are all good. Yeah, and then we've got Alabama, Texas A&M,

which A&M's 3-2, but it doesn't matter when they're playing Alabama. No, that's a... I thought they already played this year. I can't keep track of this. Alright. So you lesbians out there, get your chicken fondue. What? What is chicken fondue? I don't know.

I just made it up. But seriously. And my Bruins last night, listen to this. Brad Marchand, real quick, I'm going to bore you people who aren't from Boston. He's the best player in my opinion. He had both hips operated on. He's not going to be back until December. Charlie McAvoy, literally a fucking,

one of the best defensemen in the league, out till November. Gryzlik, his partner on defense, out till November. And a couple other. Anyways, they went to the Rangers last night, second to last preseason game. Look, so the Bruins didn't have any of their big guns, really.

Just a couple. And Rangers had a pretty full squad. Not completely. And we beat the motherfuckers in New York 5-4. I was impressed. I don't know why I'm telling you people. It's playoff hockey. Somebody's hanging themselves right now in fucking North Carolina.

Let's move on. Stiff putter. What kind of dirtiness is that? A high school golf team in Austin, Texas had to cancel practice on Monday after they showed up to the course and encountered an adult entertainment club's tournament. Why doesn't this shit ever happen to me? I'm dead serious. I've been on the road for 30 years. There's never a strip of convention. I've been on the road for 30 years.

There's never a strip of convention. Staying at my hotel. Every time I pull in, the sign out front reads, welcome osteoporosis suppers. It's never fucking unbelievable. I'm going to start to get into it. I forgot to pull up Paige Sporanek. You want to see the hottest person on the planet, period, bar none.

Paige Sporanek, she's a whatever. I'd like to, period, bar none. Paige Sporadic, she's a whatever. I'd like to, I don't know, I'd like to hit it in her trap. Now we're talking. Stuck in the green. Yeah, something like that. That's a guy who isn't funny. He thinks if he just makes up a golf thing.

I'd like to, I'd like to, I'd like to, I don't know, hit it out of her sand. The school district sent the message to the high schoolers' parents on Tuesday saying that some adults were acting very inappropriately when the teen showed up for practice. Is that where we're at now? Really? I mean, come on. They're high school kids. Pretty sure they've seen tits and ass. That was on the 16th hole. Dog leg left, the guy's dick was. That was on the 16th hole.

Dog-legged left, the guy's dick was. Anyhow, really, though, they're high school kids. This is the world we live in, though. You know, they have to cover their ass, the golfing, the venue, because if you don't tell the parents, the school doesn't tell the parents, you know, they're afraid they're going to get in trouble. But I'm pretty sure the young fellas didn't have a problem with it. Unfortunately, this is the school talking, I guess, or the venue, I don't know.

Unfortunately, our golfers did witness some lewd behavior. The message read, the coach immediately canceled practice. Now, there's where I'm a different coach. I say, get out there, show them. See the broad, the porn star on the second hole? Show her how to get behind her. You're like, no, like this. She's like, no, like that.

Next thing you know, zing, zang. The coach immediately canceled practice and had all of the gay players contact their parents to come pick them up like the little bitches that they are. If I'm the coach, I'm yelling out instructions. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying in a narrower way. In a narrower way.

Like a landing strip on a stripper's pussy. You know how they shit? Anyways, I think that's fucking great. Don't you? I mean, we live in such a weird world. These kids have been looking at porn probably since they were 10 online. Now there's a

pair of tits on a golf course. Anyways, I think we get videoed, aren't we? Of what happened at the course? Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid! Yeah, the kids look really upset. Photos acquired by Fox 7. Austin appeared to show two partially clothed women walking on the course.

Every Avery Ranch, the golf course, told the school that they were not aware that these inappropriate actions would occur according to the message that was sent to the parents. Vista Ridge High School has been practicing for two decades at Avery Ridge, a course in North Austin. What occurred yesterday is not acceptable. We will work closely with Avery Ranch to ensure this never happens again. Well, why don't you talk to him and see if you can get an explanation? This is how that phone call went. The guy that runs the golf course.

Yeah, they're giving us $200,000 for the afternoon. Now go fuck your mother and your kids. Anyways, never have a other school district wrote, you know, blah, blah, blah. He's looking at you, kid. Yellow Rose, an adult entertainment club in Austin, was hosting a tournament, here's the explanation, at the golf course

from noon to five on Monday. The club's manager could not immediately be reached for comment on Wednesday. Yellow Rose, is that a titty bar? It is? Dallas has been in it many times. He did the grunt work, he said, in the bathroom. No. God fucking no. That place is disgusting.

It's in North Austin. There's no such place as a disgusting place for women to take their clothes off. You should have like a regular 2 p.m. special. Oh, God. Yeah, you do. Hey, I've been on the road, man.

Again, before I had, you know, wandering to fucking the day shift. Please welcome Diamond to the center stage. Chick comes out with a pot belly and a limp. Fucking cancer wig falls off on the way up the ramp. That's it. Before I sign off for the weekend, I want to welcome all of our newest patrons at Patreon

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