The Nick DiPaolo Show - JD Vance Shines on Tucker | Nick Di Paolo Show #1628

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Awkward Joe, Trump says no and much more! Use promo code NICKDIP to double your money on your 1st MyBookie deposit. Head to https://www.mybookie.website/NICKDIP Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! SEE NICK LIVE: 9/27/24 - Wise Guys - Jordan Landing, UT 9/28/24 - Skankfest - Las Vegas, NV 9/29/24 - Skankfest - Las Vegas, NV 11/9/24 – Bridge View Center Theater – Ottumwa, IA TIX:  https://www.nickdip.com/tour  For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

God damn it. I'm gonna wake myself up. I'm gonna will us out of here. You got an empty chamber and a gun. Ow! Ow! Hi folks. Welcome to the show.

It's a filthy Monday, isn't it always? Um, air conditioning's not really working in here, which is good because we're recording a couple shows today, so me and Dallas will be like two Vietnamese girls tied to a work bench in China. Delicious. Delicious. Not making broccoli with beef either. Snakers for LeBron. Anyways, did you have a good weekend? I laid on the couch like a stiff, walked around, did get some exercise in and made the mistake of going to Forsyth Park, knocked on one of those jazz festival going on and trying to walk around that loop bumping into people eating soft pretzels and pretending they like the music was

very funny to see people down here but I mean like jazz it's really cute um maybe I should start the clock Jesus H Christ I got a week fucking nightmare week ahead of me I mean again 20 years ago younger comic would have embraced it would have been excited about it I wanted to cut my wrist when the alarm went off tonight gonna go to Dallas let me remind you quick you can see me on Crowder Wednesday morning and Thursday morning. Aye. And then Friday, wise guys in Utah, Salt Lake City sold out. Pretty good.

Thank you, Utah. And then the next two nights I go to Vegas, Skankfest. And then hopefully, you know, one of the 5,000 terrorists that Biden has let in the country won't blow up any of those flights. I don't know. Wish I was kidding. Don't forget me to give you the 35 minute, will you? Because, again, I'll do an hour and a half and not even know what the fuck is going on today. College football, real quick.

If you guys want to know what games to watch, if maybe you're new to college football real quick you guys want to know what games to watch if maybe you're new to college football and fucking email me or hit me up on the show thing because I taped four of them I taped six of them I only got through four of them all of them were settled in the fourth quarter every one of them goddamn pride time and his kid University University of Colorado, comes down to the last play of the game. Hail Mary! Clock hits double zero with the balls in the air. Touchdown Colorado. Fuckers. Fuckers. I don't even remember who they beat. I'm so pissed. Whoever it was was slapping them around pretty good though. Who cares? It's Dion.

No, I know but I'm really pulling for the team and I can't even remember who the fuck it was was slapping them around pretty good though. Who cares? It's Dion. No, I know, but I'm really pulling for the team and I can't even remember who the fuck it was. I know Illinois beat Nebraska in a real good one and Colorado beat who? It was somebody good. Baylor. Baylor, actually. Anyways, fuck all that. All right, let's get to it.

I got enough for two shows for this, as far as this first show goes. And you're going, why are you doing two? Well, I got to, you know, I got to put two in the can, and today's and tomorrow's, because I'm traveling Tuesday night. Dallas is going to, he's got a nudist, nudist convention thing he's doing in Vegas.

In Death Valley. Bring the sunblock All right angry awkward Joe and did you guys see this this was first of all he hasn't shown his face in a couple Do you realize the fucking country is on cruise control? I want you to think about that We know Kamala ain't running it right think about that the shitheads that have surrounded Kamala and Joe are in charge I want you to think about that. That means like the AOCs of the world and their staffers. Just let that settle in.

A confused looking President Biden fumbled and snapped at staffers after forgetting which world leader he was supposed to introduce at a press conference event for during the Quad Summit Saturday. Biden, 81, was supposed to call India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi to the stage but appeared to be unsure which of the three visiting heads of government he was meant to name. And I love it because it just shows what they they've had to put up with with it and look my dad died of Alzheimer's and it's one of the things with dementia they get really nasty it's kind of fun actually

I used to piss him off and hide his shoes and anyways listen to fucking Joe personality Mr. likeable so I want to thank you all for being here. Now, who am I introducing next? Who's next? Look at this dead silence. Distinguished guests, the Prime Minister of the Republic of India. What are we doing what's going on right now

the best part of that and that sums it up that sums it up with one from ronald reagan and dick cheney and those guys bush senior to this fucking guy who's out of his mind they just he's just making uh... parents is to let people know he's still alive and snaps and the girl on the microphone is probably I don't know a 19 year old staffer who's immature instead of just being professional about it she goes she fucking what what did she say next distinguished guess asshole that's who's running the country.

It is frightening. Apparently, China and Russia are not paying close enough attention. I would have been knocking on our door already. The outgoing president's been hosting allies for the four-nation Quad alliance at his home in Wilmington, Delaware for a short two-day summit as foreign leaders travel to the U.S. for the United Nations General Assembly meeting, which, by the way, we should blow that up. That's the first thing we do. Trump when you get back, shut that fucking UN down, move it somewhere else. Get it out of here. During the President's Cabinet meeting Friday, First Lady Jill Yeats faction Biden

raised eyebrows by doing most of the talking and later hosting a Rose Garden event without him. Rose Garden event without him. Tell you about mumbling, stuttering little fuck, you know that? Watch that again this weekend for the 48th. Can't help it. I'm flipping through. Anyways, speaking of, A4 mentioned football. Football is back as you know, folks. Which means winning season is back. Don't just watch football this season, cash in on it. With my bookie, it's easier than ever to bet and win. This season they have amazing promos you won't

want to miss. Weekly risk-free booths every Thursday are amazing. If your bet hits, you win big. If it doesn't, my bookie will give you a refund so there's nothing to lose. I love it because I follow Boston College, I like Michigan, I have my three teams, I don't have a bunch of real favorites as I do, you know, in the NFL, but I mean they cover everything. College football, the pros, and they pay on time and it's really easy. It's the best one out there. During the commercial breaks keep playing with my bookies blackjack tables baccarat and poker bet

Okay, they give you everything when you're ready to get started Just click the link in the show notes sign up and you're ready to bet use promo code nick dip to claim a bonus That doubles your money on your very first deposit you heard that right double your money with a code nick dip before you even place A bet loyalty pays off with my bookie plus the more you play the more you win It's simple climb through the tears of the loyalty rewards program to unlock even more epic promotions exclusive giveaways and bigger Rewards my bookie plus is the lock of the century bet on anything anywhere anytime and make your season a winning season we thank you my bookie for sponsoring the show today let's move ahead shall we make me a sandwich make me a fucking sandwich hey look at easy and now shut up and make me a sandwich segment tonight vice president Kamala

Harris on Saturday accepted an invitation from CNN. Ooh, big balls to debate former President Donald Trump on October 23rd, challenging her arrival to another engagement on a public stage in the final weeks of the campaign. And if I'm the Trump organization, that's the answer. Vice President Harris is ready for another opportunity to share a stage with Donald Trump campaign chair Jen O'Malley, 11 years old, said. Oh, Jen O'Malley Dillon.

I won't even get into it. Donald Trump should have no problem agreeing to this debate. Why should he agree to it? He already did one with your brain dead president already did one here. He knows he's going to he's going to get triple teamed if it's CNN. Go fuck yourself. Harris tweeted Saturday that she will gladly accept the second presidential. You know what that means? Her internal polling stinks and they know it and that she hopes Trump will join her on October 23. Well it'd be pretty awkward

if he didn't and you were there. You shit kicking stinky horseman horse smelling motherfucker you. Alright that's overstating it. Trump on Saturday responded with this, kiss my grits. What? Here he is in uh, where was he, Carolina? Yeah, North Carolina this weekend and he responded to this. Too late. Voting has already started. Good point. She's had her chance to do it with Fox. You know, Fox invited us on and I waited and waited and they turned it down. They turned it down. But now she wants to do a debate right before the election with CNN because she's losing badly you know it's like she kind of is I guess this week last night some numbers came out and Trump's like a head in all this went whatever this is the biggest forest I

keep saying it folks but if you really think this is close and if it's just and and I'm not saying when it's over and they go, it was closed, none of that shit. I'm just saying in a perfect world if you polled everybody, it wouldn't even, they'd have to stop it like a heavyweight fight. But the media puts up their fake polling numbers to keep people involved. Doesn't reflect what they're thinking, it shapes how they think. That's what the polls are for. Presidential nominees have traditionally had the final word in nationally televised October debate following the vice presidential nominees debate. Trump's running mate, Ohio Senator JD Vance, has set the square off with that fruit cup.

Harris' vice president picked Minnesota former Broadway dancer, Governor Tim Walz, on October 1st in a debate hosted by CBS. Let me tell you something. And we'll show you later on. I don't know if it's this show, the next show, maybe. We got JD Vance sitting down at Tucker Cowles. And I think he's smarter than everybody right now on the national stage.

Everybody. I would love to see that debate. We're going to see it. He's going to mop the floor, that little girl. Let's move on to some sad news for people who are my age or in their late 80s. Mercury Morris, morto. That's Italian for dead, folks. Mercury Morris, a running back and kick returner. You guys know, I know my boy Jimmy Florenti does, for some reason he's a Dolphins fan.

There's Mercury Morris. Look, I wasn't a Dolphins fan. There's Mercury Morris. Look, I wasn't a Dolphins fan. I mean, they were unbelievable. Again, still the only undefeated season. He was part of it. And this guy was a human, as they call, you know, highlight reel. Mercury Morris, a running back and kick returner for the Dolphins, undefeated Super Bowl team in 72, has died according to a member of his family. He was 77 years old Just to give you a little flavor because I know some of you guys are not familiar with this guy, but he was fun Here's a little bit of clippage

He's running like he's got a car radio under his arm. Oh stop with that type of talk. I don't know who said that Look at this. Ha ha ha! Oh, he was just fun to watch, man. See those gold posts? Look at him go. Look at that little fella go. Hi. He had a little, that I mentioned of course, he had a little bit of problems with the law,

maybe it does mention. Cocaine, I don't know if that was during, I think it was right after he retired. Did a few years, but it's all part and parcel. I mean, come on, the guy probably, whatever. All I know is he straightened out his life and then he started to help young people into the back of a van with a guy named Ted Bundy. No, no, no. Morris was a third round pick.

Imagine with those wheels? Out of West Texas A&M, he played for the Dolphins from 69 to 75, helping form what later became known as the perfect backfield along Larry Zonka and Jim Kick. And it was, Larry Zonka was a fullback, number 39, broke his nose 17, 18 times. He would just put his head down and drag people for yards. Jim Kick was a combination of Mercury Morris and Larry Zonka. He could catch balls out of the backfield and run over people. Morris was a three-time Pro Bowler and a two-time

Super Bowl champion with the Dolphins, also including the team's repeat championship in 1973. He was the best guy around. Morris ran for exactly a thousand yards and scored a league best 12 rushing touchdowns during 1972 regular season as the Dolphins finished 14-0 before winning three more postseason games for the only undefeated season in NFL history. And then the goddamn Patriots went up against the Giants, had won every game that year until that fucking Nerf ball stuck to the guy's head. I don't want to talk about it.

Fucking assholes. God damn it. But just think, though, third round draft. I was watching the Chiefs and Falcons last night, another one I lost. And Pacheco got hurt, right? A week ago, he's running back, but the Chiefs they put in this kid, Carson Steel? Why am I saying Steel? Don't do a story, Nick, if you don't know the name.

Okay. I think it was Carson. Anyways, blonde nick if you don't know the name. Okay. I think it was Carson. Anyways, blonde kid went to Ball State. Listen to this. His seat, I'm just giving you an idea how much competition in the NFL, how good it is. He was in high school. He scored 31 touchdowns and rushed for almost 1700 yards his senior year alone. He was voted Mr. Football in the whole state of Indiana.

And he didn't get drafted. He went to Ball State. Went to Ball State for a couple of years, and then transferred to UCLA, and didn't get drafted. And then signs with the Chiefs. Think about the talent you're going up against. Holy Christ. Mr. Football for the whole state?

I was Ms. Softball, a senior in high school in Massachusetts. Anyways, let's move on to the country just falling apart like a cancer patient's muscles. Enough is enough. What? That's the headline. A Florida sheriff is tired of bogus school shooting hoaxes plaguing his county. So tired he got a slew of strong words and actions ready for students and parents alike. If you make a threat, we're coming after you, said this fellow here that we, who does he look like? He looks like every defensive coordinator in the NFL, doesn't he? Put a headset on him and a fucking.

I love Florida. They still, down south they still got these sheriffs that are known on, although he sounds like a northern transplant. I don't know. Alls I know is Sheriff Chitwood, it's a great name by the way. There's a race car driver named Chitwood, right? Let's take a listen to what the sheriff has to say. So in other words, kids are calling in fake, you know, I'm going to shoot up the school

hoaxes by the tons. We couldn't be rotting more at the core in this country. Go ahead, Sheriff, let them have it. Today is September 13th and we're not having a good day in Volusia County. So far, 54 tips have come in through Fortify Florida talking about school shootings. All of them have been deemed bogus. We have two people in custody. We have another person who we're investigating and probably will take into custody.

I can't say this clear. You don't stand up on an airplane and yell, hijack. You don't walk into a movie theater and yell, fire. And you don't get online and pose that you're going to shoot up a school. It's going to get your ass sent to jail. And now, for you parents out there, today's hoax cost around $21,000. There's two people in custody. We're coming after you.

And starting Monday, your little cherub, we're going to start publishing his face and doing perp walks with him when we take him into custody. And then we're going to show pictures of you, the parents. Because you don't want to raise your kid, Sheriff Chitwood's going to raise them. I say this calls for action and now. I love it. That's a New York accent I'm hearing, I believe, right? Parents coming after you.

We're going to bust your balls. You and your little fucking chair of pig. It's shit. What's wrong? Back to the, I can't, I'm not supposed to say that I think right. Because of what is it?

YouTube? Yeah, but it was so indeterminate with the accent. I don't even think they're out. All right. We'll pick it up. And the word, yeah. Anyway, you know, fucking, you know, look, I'm in showbiz. I love the gay community. I took tap dance. Chitwood's remarks followed the arrest of

an 11-year-old middle school student in Port Orange, Florida on Monday who was being charged with a felony after making a bogus threat to commit a mass shooting at a middle school, authorities said. CNN is not naming the 11-year-old who has been charged as a juvenile, but starting now with this guy, oh, he's going to get, he'll be on camera, you want to be famous? For the 20, listen to these numbers, for the 2022-23 school year in Volusia County, Chitwood said the department had seen, get this, 357 written threats to kill or shoot up a school I'll repeat that 357 as of Wednesday they already had 282 in school has only been in session for three

weeks do you see where's that where were the parents what are the what in a 12-hour period from last Thursday night to Friday morning the department had 54 threats come in which were all found to be bogus the department has arrested 12 juveniles got confiscated 11 weapons so far so it's not bad enough we have to battle terrorists that are pouring over the border, gang bangers, South American gangs coming over here, MS-13 and the whatnot, terrorists from the Middle East. They say there's over a thousand roaming around. And now you're going to battle these little punks. Somebody. No, but I think a Kamala.

You vote Kamala. Fucking brilliant strategy. My aching stem. Hey, guys and girls, for those of you on watching me on Mug Club right now, stick around for the second half of the show. The rest of you go to nickdip.com to get my entire show, Steven Crowder's entire show, and a whole lot more.

And I do mean a whole lot more. He's got that undercover unit that broke another story that we showed last week. And they're sitting on a couple other big ones. You got Alex Jones every other Friday or something. It's well worth it. And while you're at nickdip.com, you'll click on the tour button at the top.

You'll see that this Friday, September 27th, I'll be at Wise Guys Jordan Landing, Utah. And then the next two nights, right after that, Skankfest in Vegas, September 28th and 29th. And then November, November 9th, Bridgeview Center Theater in Atomwa, Iowa I'm looking forward to that. It's kind of like a conservative hot spot. I guess we'll find out the tickets are on sale So I hope to see you guys out there

second half of the show It tells you are sticking around JD Vance sat down with Tucker this past weekend on Tucker's show sticking around. J.D. Vance sat down with Tucker this past weekend on Tucker's show. You got to see how smart both these guys are. J.D. Vance is creepy smart, in my opinion. It would make a great president also. Also, U.S. gangbangers, I mentioned earlier, are facing off against, you know, gangs that have come here from Central America, South America, and this is going on down in a few cities, but especially the South Side of Chicago. You won't believe that.

That's how fucked up we are. We have gang bangers here who are saying Trump would be the guy. Fuck somebody up. Anyways. Hi. Good night, everybody. Hi, good night everybody! Wow Thanks for watching!