The Nick DiPaolo Show - LA DA A-Hole | Nick Di Paolo Show #654

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

Kamala won't "absolve" those who stand in way". Lara Logan canceled. Gascone gone crazy. Marilyn Mosby prays innocence. Frozen Canadian selfie.

In 2022, nearly everything you see and hear is filtered. Social media companies are deleting ideas they disagree with. The mainstream media is reporting only what fits their agenda. And our so-called leaders are using them both to fight personal battles, oftentimes leveraging your livelihood and safety in the process. Just like you, I've had enough, and that's why I created this show. Here you get unfiltered and unapologetic content. I don't care if I hurt your feelings or if I take a position that isn't popular.

I call them like I see them. I'd like to ask you to do two things to keep this show going. First, please share it with two people today. Let's show them what brutal honesty looks and sounds like. And second, please go to nickdip.com and make a contribution so we can keep this show going.

Or even better, subscribe at the Comics Gym or on Patreon today and get an extra encore show each day, discounts on merchandise, and more for being a monthly subscriber. Thank you guys so much for watching, sharing, and contributing to the best show around. You guys make it happen. Thanks so much. Oh, yeah. How are you, folks?

I'm going to have to learn that riff. Working on Jimi Hendrix-style chords right now. Yeah, that's what you should be doing ten months into teaching guitar. What an asshole. Man. My favorite hobby, I tell ya. I've talked to the wife twice in ten months since I got that guitar. How are you folks? Welcome to the show on a filthy Monday, Tuesday, excuse me, Tuesday, MLK day yesterday. show on a filthy Monday, Tuesday, excuse me, Tuesday, MLK day yesterday. Yes, great weekend in Arizona. Let's get that out of the way. This club, man, CB Live. I got to be honest, folks. I've been doing this 30 something. I get on a plane. I'm like, this is going to suck. And I'm wrong most of the time. But I couldn't have been more wrong. This was the hottest

fucking comedy audiences I had played in front in five years. Packed out the first two. Second one was a little more than half, I would say. And again, that's the first time I've been in this market in a long time. And let me tell you, like I said on stage, that stage is red as Lucille

Ball's bush. Okay? Don't believe the fucking hype. I felt like I was in Alabama. I mean, and here's how I know the show is starting to grab the people we want to. When I get introduced, I get a prolonged round of

applause every show that I never got in my career, except for in Huntsville, Alabama a year ago. Bammer, I said, being from Boston. Can I get a vodka and tonic, please? Yeah, and just a prolonged, which tells me people, and I said, who watches this show? Place goes crazy, which makes me fucking hard.

I got to be honest with you. The two go together. This grows that, that grows this. And they were, I mean, hot. I mean, I killed like I used to when I was coming up in Boston and I had to do 20 minutes at Nick's Comedy Stop on a Friday night in front of 300 people

when you had 45 minutes, so you picked your best. I mean, shook the rafters. These people did not moan at anything. Fleshed out a table each show, I think. Of course, the girl has to give you the finger. You fucking libs, you intolerant twats. You're the most angry, vile people on the planet. Couldn't just leave. Of course, I had to go,

hey, where are you going? And then I said, okay, we've removed that tumor from the fucking patient. Let's get on with it. Just fucking childish. Can you imagine walking out of a comedy club because you disagree with me? Are you there for a seminar? Because that's not what I was doing. I'm pretty sure 220 people are laughing. You're the only couple that weren't. It's a democracy.

I think we win on that one. But I'm glad I ruined your night. I hope you went home and bad-mouthed me and your fucking kids died tomorrow. Do you have any? You fucks dang go fucking. I'm just telling you. People that ran it with nice nightclub attached to the same building, go through the live music, watching two great bands two nights in a row,

just sitting there. Dude, I felt like I liked what I was doing for a living. I was faked out for a second. But thank you all for coming out. And Arizona, I will be back. I will be back. If I film an ad, not film, if I... By the way, one-hour specials are pretty much done, folks. Don't hold your breath on that.

Seriously. Everybody does them. It doesn't really fucking matter. So I'd rather put out an album, which gets played on the radio every three seconds and I get my residuals. And remind me to talk about that, how that's changed.

They used to fuck us out of a certain amount of royalties for publication. There's a company that picked up on that. It's going to work on our behalf, the comedians. Anyways, I digress. Thank you guys for coming out to CB Live. It was tremendous.

Had a couple of run-ins. No mask on. Guy comes up right here in Savannah, the airport, where I love. There's no line hardly. You know, it's like three people in front of me at TSA. Of course, a kid has to come up, a young kid. Pull your mask up over your nose. And that's the way he said it, TSA kid.

So I go, he goes, can you pull your mask? I said, sure, you fucking Nazi. I said it so the guy next to me would laugh, so I had to say it loud. And I see him sort of stop and whisper to the guy who's working the machine. You know what I mean? The guy that looks at the, it was a black dude. So my bag comes through and sure enough,

the black guy grabs it, puts it next to him on a table, right? Doesn't even look at it. So I'm standing there for like five minutes. Everybody's getting their shit. I, you know,

that were behind me. They're grabbing this stuff on the other, and I'm still standing there. And then the kid comes up and goes, you're good. They never looked in it. So Nicky got scolded.

And my manager used to go, you've got to learn to pick your fight. I go, I fight anywhere I fucking want. I don't give a fuck if it's a good fight or a bad fight. If you provoke me by being a dick and go put that thing above your nose, and I said it fucking clear as day. I was trying to make the guy next to me.

He was mumbling too. So not even 10 minutes after that, I go to my terminal. I haven't even got to my terminal. I get there. I'm there for three seconds, standing next to this fat nerd. He's got like a comic book in his hand. But he's about 6'3", 300 pounds. He looks at me in a gaze boy.

You mind putting that above your nose? And I went, yeah, I do. And I stared at him like this. Just fucking... And then on the way home, black flight attendant chick

tells me to put the thing up. I'm going, okay, fine. She turns it back. I put it right back down. Not even five minutes later, sir. And I know she's just doing her job, but some of these people like doing it a little too much. You know what I'm saying?

Sir, if I have to tell you again, I'm going to report you. To what? The principal? Am I going to get detention again, I'm going to report you. To what? The principal? Am I going to get detention from fucking America? Huh? Don't make me turn this plane around. Yeah.

Pilot said, don't make me turn this plane. Don't make me come back there. Oh, my God. Fucking A. I can't take it. And people, this country's fucked. There's no spirit left to how the country came about. They like to be told what to do.

It's like S&M. They like to be smacked and told what to do, and I don't have an ounce of that in me. Anyway, and then the announcements. If you don't think we're heading towards a Marxist state or whatever, just listen to the announcements in the airport every three seconds,

and it always ends with a threatening, you'll be punished by this, a fine, not be able to fly with us. You hear that 40 times before you get on the plane. Then they run the 40 minutes of stupid talk that they always do, added by another two-minute thing about the mask itself, CDC recommendations. Just bossing you around, pushing you around, and why people are standing for it is just fucking beyond me.

Even the people in the airline industry, the pilots say the air is cleaner in a plane. They have a filtration system second to none. It's a chick mentality. Sorry, lady. I'm not saying, there's plenty of guys that think like chicks, so it's not your fault. All right, let's get to it. My sister's ass. In the N-word tonight, or today, or this morning, whenever you're listening, Crystal Bayron Nieves, 19 years old, killed at a Burger King, even after she did what the guy said.

40-year-old Michelle Alyssa Goh, Asian woman, pushed in front of a subway train. This is all in the last week in New York City. 24-year-old Brianna Kupfer, works for a furniture company, was stabbed to death this past weekend in Los Angeles. What do all these victims have in common? They were killed by black thugs. But remember, America, Joe Biden, your president, says white supremacists are the biggest threat out there to this country.

Mr. President, on behalf of all white people, except the ones that voted for you, I say go fuck yourself. Times three. That's all I got to say. Let's move on with the show. Well, we're waiting. Alrighty, alright. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. Ah, and I'll make me a sandwich segment tonight. Vice president still makes me laugh to say that this bitch couldn't run a fucking Arby's. Vice president Kamala Harris, Kamala. Just think Kamala. You look at her. She's pretending to blow somebody. This is how I got to the top. Vice President Kamala Harris on Monday said she is not going to absolve.

What are you, a pope? Senators who stand in the way of Democratic-led legislation aimed at overhauling the U.S. election system. Is that what you said, you pig? You fucking whore. Yeah, that's it. Go home. Get my dinner ready. I love this show so much. It should get an Emmy.

I don't know how that works. Harris, who made the comments after the Eagles game when she had 12 tackles. Fucking pig. Harris, who made the comments in response to a question about Senator Joe Manchin, a Democrat, West Virginia, in Kyrsten Sinema, Democrat, Arizona, also suggested that legislatures standing in the way of passing the Freedom to Vote Act, which is the phoniest thing. There's been not what you can't name one person who's been turned down to vote in this country. You can't name one for a legitimate fucking for illegitimate reason. You can't name one. Even Democrats hated the speech

that Biden gave last week where he said, you want to be on the side of Jim Crow or Dr. King. Even Democrats, even fucking, remember Al Sharpton even said it was a speech, go to hell speech.

Just think about that. Let that sink in for you fucking idiots. Not you guys. You vote like me. I always say that in case there are three Democrats who stumble over the show. Standing in the way of passing the Freedom to Vote Act, which is absolutely hilarious. And the John Lewis, fuck him. He was an all racist black guy.

Voting Rights Advancement Act. Failing to uphold their oath to defend the Constitution. What the fuck? You wouldn't know the Constitution if it bit you in your testicles the United States Senate has the opportunity and I dare say the responsibility to pass these bills through Congress so the president can sign them and we can control the world

and all the elections from here on in that's why we're letting half the third world countries move here don't you see the plot It's been going on for a hundred years. You people are fucking ignorant. That's why we're still trying. Pull my finger. And the resistance to doing that will not deter us from our commitment to getting it done, Harris said. You haven't got shit done. How's the border going? Harris said during a volunteer event in Washington, D.C., marking MLK Jr. Day, you know. Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm the vice president. I'm the vice president. I have a cock. When a reporter asked a follow-up question about Manchin and Sinema, whose continued

lack of support... Can you imagine? People get shit on when they're actually calling it the way they see it, being objective. They get shit on by the Dems. Lack of support has stalled aspects of Biden's agenda, Harris said. As I've said before, there are 100 members of the United States Senate, and I'm not going to absolve, again, who the fuck are you? Nor should any of us absolve any member of the United States Senate from taking on a responsibility

to follow through on the oath that they all took. They didn't take an oath to turn this into a fucking one-party state, you douche. Oh my god, I'm smarter than she, I swear to god, and I cheated my way through college to support and defend the Constitution of the United States. She then lifted her leg and let out a 30-second bass fart that shook the rafters. Harris has suggested before that legislatures who do not go along with Biden's voting rights legislation are violating their oath. What are you, a Cub Scout? When we have the discussion about who's responsible, I will not absolve the 50 Republicans in the United States Senate from responsibility for upholding one of the most basic and important tenets of our democracy, which is free and fair

elections. This is a blow of my mind. These cocksuckers stole the last election. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. They stole it. Everybody knows it. And they're lecturing us on free and fair. Just let that sink in. These people are evil. Free and fair access to the ballots for all eligible. Find me a black person who was turned down. I'll put them on the show. give him the fucking mic. Harris said to NBC, of course, last week, ugh, I hate her. You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt. Oh, that was well said by whoever said that. Mitch McConnell probably said that, that stupid blabbermouth cunt.

The Democrats would be very impressed. What's the headline for the next story? Logan's Heroes. Do you remember Hogan's Heroes? Dallas, do you remember that, or are you too young for that one? You remember that. You're a military guy. Hogan's Heroes was a show about a German camp in World War II with Colonel Klink, Warner Clemper, his name was.

John Banner played, was it John Banner or Frank? John Banner. Sergeant Schultz, I know nothing! I don't know if you people, it was a funny show. Bob Crane, who turned out to be a real pervert,

he ended up dying, he was the star of the show. He was Hogan, American, you know, playing an American Army guy captured by the Germans. It was based in a camp, a German prison camp. Of course, you know, what better place to have slapstick comedy? I mean, it really, but it was so goddamn funny, man. Klink had the little monocle, remember? Hogan. Colonel Burke called the

Klink, you are an idiot. Remember the fat guy? He used to scare me. It was a great show, LeBeau, some black dude. Lara Logan, I digress, the former 60 Minutes smoking hut correspondent, who as of late has, here's what I had said to Tommy, because Tommy grabs the stories, you know. I said, I wrote back, see, I know this came from, I said, you're still reading the New York Times or something. Because I would never, I don't even want to repeat these words. This is always from a leftist publication. A 60 Minutes correspondent who, as of late, has earned a reputation for pushing conspiracy theory. No, no, actually great journalism at Fox News

has been dropped by talent agency UTA, which I was with for five minutes 25 years ago, over controversial comments she made about Dr. Anthony Fauci. Can you imagine? Now the agents, you don't think they're all working together? You don't think Hollywood and fucking all the agencies and the managers and the Steven Spielbergs of the world and all those liberal jerk-offs, they don't work hand-in-hand with the fucking White House pushing propaganda? UTA Chief Communications Officer Seth Oster, seen here, looking like Bob Saget when he had a chest pain, confirmed to mediate, by the way, I like Bob Saget, but he's not a, Colin Quinn sent me this thing, he knew

it would send me through the fucking roof, Because we always talk about, I always tell him, I said, Colin, I love my fans and shit, but I said, most comedy fans that come out to a comedy club would know the difference between Bill Hicks and Carrot Top. All they know is that they laughed their ass off. But they don't know the fucking difference.

There's a handful of people who know. And we've been having that discussion for 10 years. So he sends me a thing. Sure enough, somebody on Twitter put, rest in peace to legends. Saget and you know who. Who? Wait, who am I thinking of?

Who just died? Norm Macdonald. Picture of Saget next to Norm Macdonald. Just to somebody there in the same league comedically. Norm Macdonald. Picture a Saget next to Norm Macdonald. Just to somebody there in the same league comedically. Anyways, I digress again because I'm killing time. Anyways, to mediate that the agency cut ties with Logan, I would keep around just to look at her several weeks ago.

Can you imagine the fucking agency, a talent agency, getting into it? It's just so ridiculous. The veteran journalist was dropped after she sparked controversy by comparing the top U.S. infectious disease expert. Is he really? Is he still an expert?

He's been wrong from day one. He has a thousand patterns with fucking drug companies. I actually think Mengele, it's an insult to him. I don't think he was doing it for the money. He's just a hateful psycho. Disease expert to a Nazi. She was comparing him to Nazi doctor Joseph Mengele.

And sad part is she was right on the money. I'm poor, Phil. Do eigen arbeit. Do eigen fleisch. Eigen entflossheit. That was Mengele saying, take two aspirin and head to the showers. Here's a video of my lovely girl, Lara, talking. You see on Dr. Fauci, this is what people say to me, that he doesn't represent science to them. He represents Joseph Mengele, Dr. Joseph Mengele, the Nazi doctor who did experiments on Jews during the Second World War and in the concentration camps. And I am talking about people all across the world are saying this. OK, she said that in November of last year.

She has been seen on Fox. I don't know about Fox Nation. She had her own thing. Maybe she scrubbed from that, though. If that's the case, Fox, you suck, too. Like I said, the only difference is Mengele was just a, well, actually similar, because they're all power hungry, all of them. So, whatever.

God, cut her a break, for Christ's sake. A UTA insider confirmed to mediate that Logan was let go over her highly offensive, again, that's in quotes, and unacceptable comments, which sparked outrage within the agency. Oh, let me guess, a lot of Jewish people right on that plane? Nick, you can't, Nick, you can't, you can't, you can't. I'm for you, do your own work, do your own work, you can't yet. That's her looking at me as I was looking through her bedroom window at three in the morning.

Hello. Do you watch my podcast? She is built like a playboy. One of them, and one of them that gets sexier as she gets older, I swear to God. And by the way, she was sexually assaulted in Tehran by a bunch of fucking animals. Logan was never employed by Fox News, but hosted a show on the network streaming platform Fox Nation. Lara Logan has no agenda and appeared regularly on the cable news network as an unpaid guest. That is, until she compared Fauci to Auschwitz's angel of death. But you can't...

Oh, there you go. For Christ's sake, they look related. Put a must... We didn't put a mustache on him. Anyhow, um... Lara Logan, would you like to work here as my sidekick? What do you say?

Come on. Come on! I love you for helping me to construct my life. That's her in a bad mood and she's delish. But a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word. Without any propaganda, from a right-leaning stance,

being you. And that got you canned, Ed Fox. That is what the truth is. Wah, wah, wah. And that is why I love you. After the comment which Logan made on Fox News, primetime on November 29th, my brother's birthday,

she disappeared from the air at Fox News. Hasn't been booked since. At Fox News, but, or do they mean Fox Nation too? I don't know. I should have paid attention. I was staring into her eyes. You know what I'm saying, man? Hey, people are sending me a lot of funny shit.

Maybe you've seen these memes. That's why sometimes I don't put them up and like maybe this thing's been out there a year, but some of them are just too funny and somebody sent me this one

that pretty much sums up the Biden administration's job so far. You believe that's the same guy? I forgot. I'm laughing at the bottom picture, but it's Matthew McConaughey. Remember he lost like 80 pounds? Huh?

Dallas Buyers Club. I went to see it. I thought it was about the Cowboys getting a new quarterback. Turns out it was about AIDS. AIDS. And by the way, Fauci was involved in that, by the way. Look at his work in that, people told me. Whew.

Did he win an Academy for that one? Oh, yeah. He was so good. that was a good movie i'm doing one it's about it's similar to that it's about gnc products that make you make guys into beasts but it's really garbage uh hey i want to thank again i know i did it at the top of the show, everyone who came out this past weekend in Phoenix at CB Live. The shows, let me tell you, folks. Tommy, by the way, texted me.

He goes, how much time did you do? And again, I want to say, what the fuck are you talking about? Well, he goes, I don't know, something about an old man or something. I said, I've never shortchanged my people or anybody else. Even when people don't like me, I'll stay on an extra five as punishment. But I did a fucking hour plus on

almost every show. Yeah, so I'll be back on the road in two weeks at Good Nights. Is that the name of the club? Is it no longer Charlie Good Nights? I guess Charlie sold it. At Goodnight's in Raleigh, North Carolina, January 27th through 29th,

and then the following week I'll be back in the Northeast. Thank God, because I haven't had snow go down the back of my coat. Thursday, February 3rd, I'll be freezing to death at Sugarloaf Performing Arts Center. Sounds nice. Sugarloaf wasing Arts Center. Sounds nice. Sugarloaf was where I placed my friend's ski. Friday, February, whoever made the name. Fourth, I'll be at the Algonquin Theater in Manalapan.

I like these towns that leave dead Indian names all over the place. Manalapan, New Jersey. Oh! that leave dead Indian names all over the place. I'm in Alapin, New Jersey. Oh! Saturday, February 5th, I'll be at my old haunt and seeing my old buddy who runs the place, owns the place, James, on Long Island.

Him and his wife, Laura, they're the nicest people. They buy me Chinese food when I'm there and whatever. Guy's the best. Get tickets and all my other tour dates at DaveChapelle.com and also Sinbad.org at NickDip.com and click

on the tour button and you can see where I'm coming, what I'm doing. Let's move on with the motherfucker. Ghoulish Gascon. L.A. top prosecutor is under fire. This guy's evil. Another product of Soros. I'm going to say this again to you people out there.

Even my fans are awesome living out there. Don't think of these people as Americans representing you. Think of them as the enemy. They don't belong in this country. They're fucking hardcore Marxists who want to tear this down inch by inch, what we built in the last couple of years. No doubt about it.

Not a conspiracy, as Bill Hicks used to say. I could prove it with a sketch pad and a pencil. L.A. top prosecutor under fire for allowing a transgender, again, let's talk about transgender because it's sick as a mom on the planet, making a hell of a lot of no's apparently, transgender woman, that means a guy who became a woman, who sexually assaulted a 10-year-old girl as a minor to face,

Gascon wants her to face no jail time. A wrist slap sentence, okay? Hey, little boy, Do you want some candy? What do you like, Snickers? What do you like, Clock Bar? Huh? Dallas, do you remember marathon bars? Oh, yeah.

Do you? Yeah, I remember. They were kind of long and just chalk with caramel. I mean, what happened? Chewy. Chewy. Best thing ever. You could choke somebody with one of these. You could tie it off like a...

Hannah Tubbs, that was the... Oh, here she is. That was a guy who, apparently, that's a girl now. Still looks like Bill to me. Hannah Tubbs, now 26, pleaded guilty to attacking the girl in a woman's bathroom at a Denny's restaurant where I used to get laid all the time. I used to grab a waitress in her late 70s who smoked three packs a day, lift her dirty skirt up and make her, I'd do the tootie-fruity, Russian fruity special. 2014, two weeks before she turned 18, she molested a 10-year-old. L.A. District, he did. I'm going to say he. It says she in the article. It's a fucking he. I don't care if you sew a snatch on your chest. L.A. District Attorney George Gascon filed charges against Tubbs in early 2020, not long after taking office.

But the progressive D.A. has refused to try juvenile as adults, citing studies that show adolescent brains aren't fully developed until age 25. Are you fucking, are you still a baby at 24 and 20, but you're old enough they want you to vote? Same people. Look at this jack off. Somebody ought to put a bullet in his fucking empty head. Developed until age 25 and claiming that young offenders can be rehabilitated in juvenile facilities. Probably where you hang out with an open robe. What you just said

is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul. You scumbag. May you burn in hell. The devil shoves his nine-headed cock up your ass. At a hearing on December 14th,

the victim provided a written statement to the judge and was read out loud in court. She asked the judge to impose a sentence that Tubbs deserved. The victim added she's in constant fear and has had to undergo therapy because the sexual assault she experienced has left her feeling worthless, powerless, and sometimes suicidal. What my wife always says when I come home from a road trip. I just wanted to forget I'm part of any of this, the victim said in her statement, and I'm constantly reminded of my past because of the case. I live in fear

most of the time, and although it's something that I try to tell myself isn't my fault, I could never truly believe it. I feel that I'm to blame somehow, and when I know deep down that that isn't the case. I chose not to come into court because I couldn't stand the thought of having to see my attacker's face again, and I hope after all this comes to an end, my attacker gets the punishment he, he, amen, sister, he deserves for attacking a child with no problem and I can finally get on with my life. At her sentencing later this month, Tubbs faces a short stint in juvenile hall. Juvenile hall. Yeah, give her detention for now.

Or probation, according to the LA Times, which reported, I'm sure they were happy about it, that paper, which, you know, California, you get what you deserve. I'm glad fucking people are fleeing that shithole. Same with New York, which reported that the sheriff's department has offered to house her in an adult facility. Fucking quiz. I'm telling you, folks, we are. Between Bragg, that new attorney general in New York City, who I don't think he's going to last five minutes. Again, there's even people on the left. You guys on the

far left, you AOCs, you're out running, you don't know what it means, it's a football term, but you're out fucking, you're out punting your coverage. You out punt, that's what a punter used to get off an 80-yard kick and the guy catching it would get a 40-yard run before the fucking,

anyways. I'm going to ask this question again. What are you going to do? You're going to lose big in the midterms, there's no doubt about it. What are you going to do when the White House is taken over? Unless you steal another election. But what are you going to do when Trump or whoever, Republicans, take over the White...

What's left to do? You've burnt our country, you've burnt our cities, you've killed people in the name of whatever. What's left? You know what's left. That's why I'm going to the shooting range of Dallas. Anyways, let me take a sip of my coffee. As they say in New York, chili dog, coffee light. Hey, that's another thing we should get. That news, huh? Write that down.

We'll do that in between each story. Next, you know, get 14 people watching. That'll be so good. Hey, take a look at this. Another funny thing that somebody sent me. Again, it could be all to know, but I don't give a shit. Made me laugh. Take a look. Study it. funny thing that somebody sent me. Again, it could be all to know, but I don't give a shit, made me laugh. Take a look, study it, think about it for a second. It should say, in my opinion, the first thing black people say when I hear about a mass

shooting is announced, they say what? Betty White. Get it? Betty who? Here's Johnny. Get it, folks? Betty White. Anyhow, rest in peace, Betty. Still can't believe she died on a motorcycle trying to jump trash cans.

It's amazing. Mendacious Marilyn. Folks, for you who don't have a thesaurus next to you, that means, mendacious means a person who has trouble telling the truth. Lying cocksuckers. Days after she was indicted on federal perjury charges, Baltimore's top prosecutor made an extraordinary appearance in Church Sunday begging for prayers to help in the light of her

life. Do you remember this little hateful bitch after the Freddie Gray thing in Baltimore and all the rioting and shit? Remember? It's one of these black people I can look at her once and go, she just hates white people. She's got that. State's attorney Marilyn Mosby, 41. That's the best picture of her ever, okay? She actually looks like a woman. Read a nearly five-minute address from her cell phone, this is in a church, to the Congregation of Empowerment Temple AME Church

as congregants formed a prayer circle around her. Live stream video of the service shows them. Look, she's in a circle. She's being charged with all kinds of shit. She's a crooked fucking DA, whatever the fuck she is. She's reading off a phone. You know, and of course in the black church, oh, the white devil's trying to get her.

It's a stoke. It's a stoke. It's a stoke. We can certainly use your prayers, Mosby said, because I'm a devil. I stole a lot of shit up in here. Now, as she stood along, I'm losing my shit, alongside her husband, Baltimore City Council President Nick Mosby, seen here, who probably likes white people, too, I can tell by his beard.

Hello. I'm a, I'm a shave his beard. Hello. Oh, Moe. Guy must shave eight times a minute. As a family, he says, we are in the fight of our lives. No, she said, we're in the fight of our lives. Mosby was brought up to the front by the Reverend Robert. That's it? No last name?

By the Reverend Robert. Look at him. Turner, who prayed for the Lord to bring real justice. Robert Turner. The Lord's going to bring real justice. What does that mean? As opposed to the white justice. You filthy racist.

And protect Mosby from those that seek to kill her and destroy her. It's official. Black people, you're insane. White people who defend black people, you're more insane. Not all black people are insane. I live in a town of 60, 40. So I'm not trying to generalize,

but enough of you where I say it in a whole full of room and a room full of strangers and everybody laughs like a comedy club. Get it? I'm not trying to be unfair here, but you're fucking insane. I want us to bless this sister.

Moving on up, moving on up. Even offering to financially support the embattled prosecutor who was indicted Thursday on federal charges of perjury and filing false mortgage applications. She makes $250,000 a year as a city employee. He told the service that Mosby did not know he was bringing her up front. So it was supposed to be a surprise, but it says, although she proceeded to read her entire statement from a cell phone.

But it was a spontaneous thing, you know, like whose line is it anyway? More like whose phone is it? Mosby was applauded in church because she's black like all the people going there, and in their eyes that people can do no wrong. I just added that, but fuck it. Mosby was applauded in church as she repeated her earliest statement that, withoutocation i am innocent of the charges levied against me if freddie gray's last words mosby elected state's attorney in 2015 is accused of falsely claiming twice to have suffered a work-related financial hardship from covet 19 in order to request two early withdrawals totaling 90 grand from her city employee retirement account. Oh, God. Liar, liar, whore, liar, whore, you know it. Prosecutors said that Mosby used the money she received, 36 grand in

May of 2020 and 45 grand on December 31st of that year, tore down payments, get this, on a vacation home in Kissimmee, Florida, in Longboat Key. The two counts of perjury stem from Mosby's allegedly false statements of coronavirus-related financial duress. What? How do you? What, were you on the toilet for two months? I can't go to work. Financial duress at a time when she was earning a gross annual salary of 248 grand in full.

She is also charged with hating Whitey and pretending not to. She's also charged with two counts of making false statements on mortgage application, and look, that type of crime, I'm going to be honest, crosses all fucker races. But I'm saying she's supposed to be the law. Makes it a little. I expect it from white guys in suits at Wall Street or even Martha Stewart, that fucking hardened criminal. By the way, I've got some great recipes from Martha Stewart. When she was in jail, she put out a book.

I know how to make osso bucco in a steel toilet. Mortgage application seeking a total of more than 900 grand in loans. 900 grand! It's almost a mil to buy the Florida properties. The indictment says Mosby failed to disclose federal... a black person cheating on tax returns. Again, white people do it too, but I'm just saying. I'm just saying I'm a racist. Federal tax delinquencies resulting in $45,000 lien imposed by the Internal Revenue Service in 2020. Is it because we're black? I don't know.

I don't know. Final story tonight. Cuckoo Canadian. Oh, because. What could that be? Oh, I don't know. A Canadian woman. Oh, because, what could that be? Oh, I don't know. A Canadian woman. Oh, Canada.

Our home. People are dying at home. No, don't do it. I tried doing Kenny Rogers on stage because I smoke now. And it came out like this. Because she believes in me. I'll never know just what she sees in me. I never know just what she sees in me. I told her someday if she'd be my girl,

I could change the world with my little dick jokes. I was wrong. But she has faith in me, and so I go on bombing faithfully. And who knows on some open mic, if my jokes are right, I will find a way. While she sleeps, I strangle the bed. A Canadian woman found herself in a precarious situation, standing on the roof of her car, because she's a dumb Canuck, as it slowly, they're always on ice,

the Canadians, as it slowly sank beneath the surface of an ice-covered river, but not so precarious that she couldn't stop and take a fucking selfie. Oh my God. Uh-oh, retard alert! Retard alert!

According to a report by CTV News, the woman was driving her car on the frozen Rideau River in Ottawa around 4.30 p.m. Sunday when it broke through. What are you driving on a river for? Through the ice and started sinking into the, she probably thought it was a parking lot at Target, and sunk into the frigid water below. Local residents were laughing their balls off, pointing and going, what a dump. Local residents came to her rescue using a kayak to allow her to get off the roof of her car shortly. Let's put the close-up so people can see.

Oh, we have footage, right? I'm sorry. Before it sank entirely below the surface and pull her to where the ice was more solid. Take a look here. She's on top of the car. She's going in. Look, she's standing on it. Hurry up, Doug.

Wouldn't you jump there and try to swim? Three feet? No? Maybe she didn't know how to swim. Fucking standing. Emergency crews have been called, but the woman declined treatment at the scene. swim. Emergency crews have been called, but the woman declined treatment at the scene. A local

talk radio show posted video submitted by a listener that showed the rescuer's dragon, a blue kayak hurrying across the snow, an ice cover to the woman as she stands on the sinking yellow car. She's on top of the car.

She's going in, and a woman can be heard saying on what appears to be a cell phone video, hurry up, Doug. Check this out. What happened to the close-up of her? I was saving it for after when it's mentioned. Because it's mentioned, the selfie is mentioned here

in a second, so I saved it for that part. Oh, okay. A second video clip shows the woman being successfully pulled to safety as onlookers call out to make sure everyone was safe. Everyone was out of the car. Yeah, she's the only one, unfortunately. Local Ottawa resident Linda Douglas tweeted a photo that showed the woman

standing on the roof of her car with one arm raised in a recognizable pose of taking a self-portrait. It'll be a selfie. Fucking Canadians. With one cell phone. Reach for comment by media. Look at the fucking moron. Boy, you're a generation.

I don't know how old she is, but God, you're in love with yourselves. Look, I'm dying. I'm a dumb bitch. What are you looking for, thumbs up with that? Put that on your Tinder profile? Wants to go for a car ride. Reach for comment by media. Douglas confirmed that she had taken the photo while on the phone with 911.

Oh, God. Retard alert. Retard alert. That is it, ladies and gentlemen, for today. Again, I want to thank the people that took the time this weekend to take a shower, wash their asses, use conditioner, put on their best tank top, and come out and see me at CB Live. You know me, guys. I'm jaded. I don't get excited much. I had such a good time. They treated me well. Hope the money's better next time, but I can do that.

I didn't know everybody wanted Coke out there, does it? Don't forget thecomicsgym.com. Don't forget nickdip.com to check out my dates and go to the store and buy something nice for your mother-in-law. And cameo.com, if you'd like me to roast one of your friends or relatives, go to cameo.com, click on my profile, it'll tell you how to do it. I'll make a video on my phone ruining the day. Well, making it. They're usually fans of mine. Out of that is it. You guys think I will say it. You're very welcome. See you back here at the same time tomorrow. Take care, kids. guitar solo Outro Music