The Nick DiPaolo Show - MSNBC Free Speech Haters | Nick Di Paolo Show #1511

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Women drivers, Trump & CA, Mr. Maddow and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Hi folks, welcome to the show. Great to be with you. I don't know what happened to the one I wanted to hit here. Okay, fucking... Anyways. You're crazy! I'm not crazy. I just don't give a fuck.

Hi. Welcome to the show. Again. Good to be with you on Mother's Day. I'm your host, Shirley MacLaine. You know, we've got a great egg salad recipe coming up in the second half of the show. And tips on how to kill your husband with Preston. That seems to be the go-to.

God, I love those shows. I tell you, I'm a night owl, right? Like I said, I'm sitting, it's 2.30, and I want to know why some fucking woman in her 70s was killed in a nail salon in Nebraska in 1997. I'm fighting to stay awake like I know her. Or like I did it. Anyways, what is going on? I don't know. What's today? Wednesday? What did I do last night? Nothing. What did I? Huh? No, I know. Oh, Curb. Me and Andy were binging on Curb,

now. Oh, Curb. Me and Andy were binging on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Goddamn Larry David. He's my soulmate. We are kindred spirits. I was always told I don't leave anything alone. Shit, I should let go. My parents always said it. And I just disagree. I'm with Larry. How do these fucking idiots learn? It's a teachable moment, as the worst president said in the history of the United States. That's how I look at life. Like last night, Larry's pissed. The guy in the parking lot parks a little, you know, takes up half a nut. Instead of parking between the lines.

So now everybody else has to move down a fucking, sorry, I'll leave it alone. Fuck that. Fuck it. Point it out. Make an ass of the person. I'm just trying to help a little at a time. My soulmate, and it's a fucking 75-year-old bald Jew male. Couldn't be, you know, fucking Megan Fox. What does that matter? You're not going to meet her. Shut up, Nick. Anyhow, any he, Let's get on with it Did you hear about the big explosion in China

In some apartment building? Did you see the clip? It's on the news this morning We talked about the 91st. Who has it? Ready, ready, ready. Do you have it? Come on, ready. Give it to me, give it to me, quick. and ethnicity. If I saw you or a friend might do that, I'd fucking have to commit myself to a hospital. Nothing funnier than somebody I know hurting themselves. Even, let's say, my mother falling off a snowbank and cracking her head open. I would shit my pants laughing. Ma, are you listening? I don't think she's listening. Anyways, she's on that porn hub all the time. Too busy.

hub all the time. Too busy. That cracked me up. God bless the. I do that on stage and people laugh, right? The Alice in between jokes. And they fucking find it funny because it's a funny language and they're funny people trying to kill us. I always think, yeah, fuck it, let's move on. No, but we always talk about Marxism and how they're trying to destroy the nuclear family and they're using diversity and people go, that's Marxist, whatever. Yeah, but all these Marxist countries or socialist communist countries,

they are not diverse at all. And they don't believe in any of that. So I'm sorry, it's coming from white libs here. Fuck stains. All right. Just thought I'd get that in. Headline, women drivers, sarcastically. This is pretty great.

Harrowing video. I fucking read the paper from head to toe last night until I passed out. And I fucking one time, I don't check the morning paper. Harrowing video captured the moment a former ESPN, I was hoping it was like Dan Patrick or something. No, Dan, by the way, you don't listen to me. I like Dan.

I'm just saying. It would have been funny if it was somebody, I don't know, Stuart Scott's body. A former ESPN sportscaster was ejected from his RV on a busy California highway like there's any other kind, after his wife fell asleep at the wheel and struck a divider. That means she hit what, Joe Biden?

Get out, everybody. Cordell Patrick. Wasn't he a wide receiver for somebody? Doesn't it sound like that? Cordell Patrick, a brother, was traveling with his wife North on the 14 freeway in Newhall to their home in Valencia on Monday when she fell asleep at the wheel just as she got, just as he got up to use the toilet. What are the odds?

Matter of fact, it sounds kind of suspicious. If I'm the wife, I'm having problems with my husband. I'm driving an RV. Oh, he's standing up. That's how I think, folks. Paranoia. He says, I had just unbuckled my seatbelt. It was only unbuckled for five seconds, Patrick told the

outlist. I'm going to beat that bitch silly, he said. No, he didn't. I noticed my wife had dozed off, as she'll do when she's got both feet on the gas pedal and 12 fucking appletinis in her. So instead of going straight to where we were headed toward the, we started headed toward the immediate strip. I tried grabbing the steering wheel, but before I could grab it, we had already made impact, he said. And it doesn't, we're going to show you the clip, but it doesn't show him flying out. It shows it immediately after because he's sliding along that fucking, that asphalt like it's a slip and slide. So, you know, they were moving at a good rate. And how? How he didn't bounce into the frigging oncoming traffic is,

he's one lucky slash unlucky dude. Check this shit out. Dash cam video shows that RV right next to the center divider. It appears to be sideswiping it. You then see a man rolling on the ground on the other side of the divider according to the signal the rv may have hit the center divider ejecting the man from the rv the signal reports he was conscious and breathing when the fire department responded now the chp says the call came in around 11 30 yesterday morning the crash happened on the northbound 14 just south of new hall avenue. Ow, ow, ow, ow, stop, oh, stop, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Who filmed that? Somebody gone by? A lot of cars have dash cams now, just kind of like on. Oh, that's true. That's right. That's right. The motorhome struck the divider at about 60 miles per hour, sending Patrick tumbling out of a window and onto

the opposite lanes. Mother, what the hell's going on out here? It's LA. All I'm thinking about is, I tried passing him on the right as he's rolling. All I'm thinking about is that I'm going to get hit by a car, he told the elder. I believe it. I'm on one of the busiest freeways in L.A. County, so what was going through my mind was, I'll be dead shortly.

I'm sure that's what's going through your wife's mind, with her fingers and toes crossed. Patrick broke several bones in his wife's face. Poor bastard. Dislocated his shoulder and required 17 stitches on his head. And I guarantee the brother got up and just fucking brushed himself off as opposed to white people. I'm sorry. It was fucking tough nuts. He was always left. He was also left, boy, am I drunk this morning? He was also left with a rash covering about 60% of his body. That would be a road rash, folks.

Fucking people make it sound like he, you know, poison ivy. Yeah, that's got to sting a bit. His wife and their pooch, of course, were unharmed. The dog was seen laughing and licking his balls. Unharmed in the accident, which left their RV largely destroyed. Moral of the story, you don't let the wife fucking drive. I don't care how tired you are. I can do anything better than you. No, you can't. Oh my God. How fucking frightening. I went to high school with a kid named Paul Grant

and he had one of those silver, you know those trailers that are all silver on the outside? It's like a giant capsule. Yeah, he was in one of those. His parents were driving to Florida and it tipped over with him. Apparently he didn't even get fucking hurt. God, that made me laugh. I never liked a kid. No, I did.

But it's, you know, it's fucking insane. be careful gotta be careful i'm thinking about me and andy and talk about renting one of those fuckers and going across country before i have that that heart attack that every guy that looks like me in their 60s does that guy's a great shit find me on the treadmill shit my pants uh we're not gonna me on the treadmill. Shit, my pants. You're not going to be on a treadmill. That's a good point. No, it's a good point. It'll be during the Kraft fucking macaroni bowl.

On your couch. Oh, my God. Now, wait a minute. I still work out. That's all I do. I had to tone down the forehead. I put too much. Ugh.

Anyhow. Anyways, folks, second half of the show, I'm going to be talking about more proof why Mitch McConnell is a wolf in sheep's clothing and has been for the last 40 years. That no chin prick. He's got plans for immigration. He's want to suck his teeth in. Also, good news for some of the a lot of the people, all of them, I should say, that were arrested on January 6th. Possible great news if any one of these candidates, even Haley or DeSantis, gets to become president. Anyways, that's exclusively on Mug Club.

If you want to join that, you go to nickdip.com It's well worth it Trust me This show's consistently funny I don't know what the numbers are Nobody lets you know They don't tell you Crotty doesn't let me know Nobody tells you

Rumble doesn't let me know My cousin Kevin, who's good at this shit Doesn't even talk to me Hey boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com To get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com, click on store.

Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Anyways, let's stay on California. We had the African-American fella doing front handsprings in a breakdown lane. Let's go to California dreaming in the same state. Former President Donnie Trump boasts a massive 55-point lead for the 2024 Republican nomination in California, a blue state that will host its primary on Super Tuesday.

I'm guessing that's on a Tuesday, according to a Monday poll. Oh, the fucking irony's thick, isn't it? Look, he's showing you how big the lead is. I am your voice. Doesn't that look like a religious? Every stained glass window I've ever seen when I'm being raped by the priest is a guy looking doggone. So what? I'm not going to help you.

What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Moses. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Moses.

Trump received 66, a whopping 66% of the share among likely GOP primary voters, followed by UN ambassador Nikki Haley at 11%, which really is embarrassing when you consider the money she put in. She's got Fox News, in my opinion, who owns the New York Post. If you want to find, you want to any proof you know that's the same they own the same the company owns both those you can't even you can't even go go new york post is nothing but negative headlines about trump i just read one to dallas it says uh something about trump in a anyially charged rant. You know what he did? He mentioned her Indian name. I was expecting, you know, that fucking dot-headed whore. Nothing like that.

Disappointing, Trump. No. Anyways, she's at 11%, and Florida Governor DeSantis at 8%. And what everybody's saying is, we're wasting our time here. We know who the nominee's going to be. Let's all focus on the other side. So, yeah. Oh, and Vivek Ramaswamy came in at 3%.

And I know that doesn't sound good, but as I said yesterday, nobody knew who he was a year or two ago. And he's on stage last night. Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who suspended his campaign when he saw that Baskin-Robbins was opening at a mile from his house.

Anyways, he got 2%, which is the amount of muscle he has. A Berkeley ISG poll slash LA. So yeah, we all knew he was going to mash Trump, and he did. L.A. So, yeah, we all know he was going to mash Trump, and he did. The former president's support grew by nine points since the poll was last conducted in October ahead of the state's March 5th primary, where over a dozen nominating contests will take place. It's now a different ballgame, and it certainly benefits Trump if he can follow through on these numbers. Mark DiCamillo, director of the Berkeley Poll, said in the Los Angeles Times, if Trump carries California, he's a long way towards securing the nomination.

Isn't he already a long way? Yes, that's exactly the point. No, you're exactly right. They are, dude, I'm worried about his safety. I really am. Anyways, Trump appears to be in a strong position to receive all of California's 169, I don't even understand how it works, 169 delegates as the winner take, oh, that's right, it's the winner take all state, requires candidates to exceed 50% support to do so, which he's going to do, along with California, Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, all the places Dallas spent time, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, all the places I spent time, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, and Virginia will hold nominating contests on Super Tuesday, whenever that is.

Virginia will hold nominating contests on Super Tuesday, whenever that is. It's down the line, according to the National Conference of Jerkoffs. The survey also found that while President Joe Biden shits his pants and drools like a retarded puppy, maintains a double-digit lead over Trump in the blue state. What does that tell you about California, you fucking West Coast morons? on you. You fucking West Coast morons. That's right. You hear me? It looks good, though. That's a good picture of him. That's him.

That's him. Yeah, exactly. That's somebody explaining the rules of bingo to him. Oh, fucking idiot! Super Tuesday is March 5th. Oh, Jesus. Boy, i know nothing about this anyways uh his marjorie is slimmer than it was in 2020 boy they look at this boy are they desperate to find something biden is ahead by 19 points among a likely jerk off california voters for a head-to-head

matchup with former president trump but beat trump but beat Trump, no he didn't, no he didn't, by nearly 30 points last cycle. Oh yeah, maybe in that, in California he did, but then he got a real ass whipping that you'll never know about. Biden's lead against Trump tightened to 16 points among a crowded field of mongoloids, Third party candidates, including independent candidate, how about that candidate? How about that candidate, Jr.? Independent candidate, Cornel West. Cornel West, got a better chance of winning. And Green Party candidate, Jill Stein. People like her. Gutfeld loved her. Who else?

A couple of people I know. I can't remember, but they were darned. Gutfeld's not, but the other people are. Anyways, do you see how desperate they are to say something negative about a 55-point blowout? I can't stand these pieces of shat. Speaking of pieces of shat, can we just, I don't know, NBC, can we just, you know, they're the parent company of MSNBC, Microsoft MSNBC, I guess.

Can we just somehow take them out of the media? MSNBC's Rachel Maddow you know him said the network there he is small defensive back out of Utah State look at the fucking stupid eyes Broad went to Oxford to get stupid

as Sonny Corleone said to Michael when you go to college you get stupid the network was forced to censor former president Trump's victory speech in Iowa because it couldn't air all the lies she said. First of all, you ignorant muff diver, what kind of lies do you tell during a victory speech?

I really didn't win. The fucking, can you imagine? Out and out. They should be shut down uh let's show a clip of uh that looks like me again in seventh grade let's let's take a list oh there's the uh yeah there's the numbers um and yeah so he wins and they they wouldn't air his victory speech you don't think they have it in, you idiots who vote Democrat? Do you see? Even Democrats admit that the media, 98% of it, is in the tank for the Democrat Party. It always has been. That's just how it is. But you jerk-offs won't

admit that. I hear a guy the other night on MSNBC going, the, what do you call it, the conservative media. We don't have one. Fox isn't conservative. That's how little they watch it. They don't even realize. Oh, like it's even balanced.

Ay yi yi. Here's the video before I shit myself. Of course, there is a reason that we and other news organizations have generally stopped giving an unfiltered live platform to remarks by former President Trump. It is not a decision that we relish. It is a decision that we regularly revisit. And honestly, earnestly, it is not an easy decision. But there is a cost to us as a news organization of knowingly broadcasting untrue things. No, there isn't because you do it every day, 24-7, and you're not taking off the

air. There's no risk to it. You're a liar, a muff diver. I don't hold that against you. So am I. All I have to say to you, Rachel, is perhaps you'd like me to come in there and wash your dick for you. God almighty. Just imagine Fox going, we're not going to show Joe Biden's. That's what we need. I still say you got to get down in the mud with these people. They never make it clear enough and point fingers and call them names and shit. That's how you win. I'm sorry. That's the fight.

You know, again, violence, but that's a revolution. Anyways, I'll enjoy that on C-SPAN, hopefully. Ever put on C-SPAN? Oh, my God. Holy God, help us. How's it still on the air? Oh, that's right. It's public whatever. Coke. Cocaina. Hey,

for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show and the great Stephen Crowder's full show. I believe he's coming back Monday, right? Something like that.

I don't know. And a whole lot more. Alex Jones on Fridays. And while you're at nickdip.com, again, I've only put one date up there. And I don't care. I don't want to do any until I get... Look, I haven't been on stage for a while. I can still show up and be hilarious.

Okay? That's all I'm going to do. I'm tired of beating myself up mentally. Tommy, I don't give a shit. Don't bring me any dates until then. I'll brush up on May 11th. I mean 10th. I'll listen while I'm in the Ramada Inn to my last show I did back in 2021. Anyways, I'm begging you people to come out to this one because it's 1,500 seats. We had one guy, you know, saying, arguing with my manager

and then going back. Anyways, 1,500 seats. Already over 300 tickets sold. And then somebody said they must be expecting it to be sold. This is a guy's opinion, one of my fans online, because Ticketmaster

or whatever those other websites are are already, like, reselling. I don't know how that's a sign of it's going to sell. I don't get it. Business isn't my, the point is we show the fuck up. Could you please? Yeah. Count Basie Theater. guitar solo Outro Music