The Nick DiPaolo Show - Musk Vs. MAGA | Nick Di Paolo Show #1671

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

In this episode Nick talks about Carter, Maga vs. Musk, Jack & Jesus, Leno and the Mob and more! Like what you hear?  Watch FULL episodes of The Nick Di Paolo Show on Rumble Premium! Use Promo Code MUGCLUB and get $10 off annually! https://rumble.com/c/TheNickDiPaoloShow/exclusive MERCH - https://shop.nickdip.com/ TOUR DATES & MORE - https://nickdip.com 2/20/2025 - Bricktown Comedy Club – Tulsa, OK 2/21/2025 - Funny Bone Westport, St. Louis, MO SOCIALS - https://bio.site/nickdipaolo  

Music playing I'll go home and get you a fucking shine box. Kind of talk us out over the holidays. Hi folks, welcome back. Just for one day. Tomorrow we're off. You know, I'm roasting a pig in the backyard. Name's Diane. Listen. Did you have a good Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Ramadan, Aswan? Did you get everything you want. Jew blood in a vase and shoplifting. What? Nick stop. Well Kwan, like I always say about Kwan's, it's very rich in tradition. Goes back to April of 2009.

cocaine I don't know ate a lot cooked a lot oh I got a I got a I did get a great gift though Hamilton Beach indoor grill dude and I'm like I'm trying this motherfucker right out got a couple of strip steaks it's got a sear button on it holy fuck I'm gonna be taking red meat to a noon level I figure I'll have ass cancer by July if I play it right I mean it was delicious get the grill marks in it and just let it rest after I took it out about three minutes on each side and and fuck me it was so good course the wife has to have it well done I'm sitting on the thing I'm sitting on the you know the sides that's what a real grill should have it's that fucking lid that comes down and now you don't have to flip your steak it it's getting cooked touching Touching butt. It's just fabulous.

And it tasted like you did it outside. Like the old George Foreman. Like the old George. I didn't realize that's how the Foreman thing worked. You know, too technical for me. You got to shut a lid on something. It was tremendous. Cooked my balls off. Can't even remember what. What the hell is this? Just gave just gave me these it's what do you call them? It's not chocolate or is it to rum ball a rum ball. Yeah, another real technical name Nick Oh, it tastes like it tastes like chocolate fudge with rum in it and he's got a heavy hand I had one I'm gonna get pulled over on the way home. You've been drinking. I've been snacking. He made me do it get pulled over on the way home. You've been drinking? No, I've been snacking. He made me do it. Got a nice fucking buzz. Yeah, I'm not a big, hmm, apparently I need alcohol

myself in my desserts. What the fuck else may, I made Biafran stew. What? Yeah, you heard me. Frugal gourmet, remember that fat, it turned out to be a pedophile that guy do you remember him you little young for that you remember him yeah he was on like PBS and I always know he was a fruit cup but gray beard real anal guy just a fucking you know kind of a jack-off and but he had this single Bafferent stew that I made my wife like 15 years ago, and she loved it And you just take like stewed beef And cut up a whole chicken you throw the chicken in raw with a cooked stew beef right there I was going is this how I did it last time she's like yeah Bell peppers and with a fucking curry and whatever the fuck and just let it cook for almost two hours

tremendous Tremendous it's a it's for a Nigerian dish why I put a bone on my nose, and I put on the skirt to make it, you know, when in Rome. Whatever the fuck. That was delicious. What else? I cooked my balls off. I can't remember.

Anyways, I got no memory. Watched more football than I have. And that's saying a lot. I'm embarrassed at this point. I'm seriously, I'm getting to the saturation point, because I actually shut it off and one night about midnight, I can't, I can't watch anymore and but you always see something different. I saw two hits that I thought people were gonna die on over the

and like I was telling Dallas, it's ironic because the the the playoff games, you know the 12 team bracket, the few games that they've played so far been kind of one-sided and the ball games which mean shit have been tremendous at least the ones I've been watching and I'd never it was embarrassing how much and I'm watching the NFL but in between it's fucking again I was sick as a dog I was I was on the fucking couch sick as a dog actually went to you know what what do they call urgent care? I don't like using

Antibiotics because I think You know if you use them too much they weaken your immune system, so I'm very I went a month feeling like dogshit and Finally I go fuck this I couldn't breathe. I was blowing my nose eight, ten times and chunks of gouda and sharp chatter were flying out of my fucking face and I said that's it. I went to, they gave me an antibiotics, sepharin, sepharin, sepharin succotash. I, I, and I had never heard of it and I go yeah I'm allergic to penicillin. I just let her know when she went to find an antibiotic. The girl comes back and goes, this is sepharin. Then she leaves the room again. So I Google sepharin while she's gone,

and it says, don't take if you're allergic to penicillin. I go, I am allergic. She goes, it's literal. She goes, plenty of people that are allergic to penicillin have taken it. Oh, so you gave somebody, at one point, it was the first guy you gave it to. You know what I mean?

I'm like, you sure? She goes, yeah. And I go, fine, because if I'm going to try antibiotic, I want to try a new one. Don't give me a Z-Pak, because it makes me shit. I get diarrhea from Z-Paks when I use them, very rarely. Anyways, way too much information. But it worked, man.

Two days later, I started to feel a little better. I'm at about 95% today, that's how I feel. But I couldn't, I was waking up sweating, soaked, again very COVID-like, but I took two COVID tests and said no. Then they said it might be, you know what, monkeypox. I said fuck you, I eat the ass. Oh, god. Folks. Anyhow, I feel like I'm forgetting. Anyways, let's get going. I'll get this out of the way.

Real quick mention. You know how I am. God, it feels like I'm doing this for the first time again. It really sucks to get old. Jimmy Carter, who I have a soft spot for because and I put this on X a couple of times. He passed away yesterday was it? At a hundred years old. He was in, he was a nice word, he was in a hospice for 14 years. Two years. Folks you usually go into hospice when you got a week left. He was in there for two years, this guy. And I have a, oh, can we put up the, I'm looking

at this going, isn't it in the fucking thing? See what I'm saying, dude? I'm getting worried. I'm really going to end up like it who Junya Sayo, one to the chest for you, Maine football. Anyways, that's me and Jimmy, the Tonight Show, mid-90s, I'd say, when Jay Leno was hosting. And what a sweet dude. I got to sit down next to him. It felt weird having him move over.

Then after the show, I said, Mr. President, I got to sit down like next to him. It felt weird having him move over. Then I after the show I said Mr. President I gotta get a picture with you. I really did. I was reading I read a couple of his books which forget the politics he just a decent human yeah maybe stunk as a president but I used to do a good imitation of a talk sort of like Bill Clinton. Yeah Roslyn I banged it twice last night. My friends would laugh. Other people go, fuck off, you stink. Ah, my parents.

So yeah, that's me and him at Camp David. We got drunk and picked up a couple of black hookers. He insisted. Peanut farmer. Great guy. He was more valuable after he left politics than he did that Habitats for Humanity where he built houses for poor. He would be out there building them not just paying lip service And a sweet guy hundred years old. I don't want that. I mean you saw him at his wife's funeral

That looks Horrible, he't even know he was there. Anyways, rest in peace, sir. You're a good man and a shitty politician, which they go hand in hand. If you're a good man, you're probably going to be a shitty politician because most politicians are shitty people. I don't know if that made any sense. Speaking of politics, MAGA-versk Musk, this was over the weekend, Elon Musk admitted that H-1B visas are broken, in quotes, and floated a potential fix as he sought to cool a raging civil war within the MAGA base over the immigration program for highly

skilled foreign workers. Just a day after Brown to go to war on the issue and telling detractors, and I'm not kidding, he actually used this, he told detractors that disagree with him. Take a big step back and literally fuck your own face. He said that. He said that. The more I see this guy, the more I like him. And I'd be that cocky if I was that smart. Look, I don't know where I sit. I'll get to my point in a second. So, the world's richest man acknowledged some of the criticism of the program.

Getting abused and argued that the US should make it more costly to hire foreigners. Easily fixed by raising the minimum salary significantly and adding a yearly cost for maintaining the H-1B. See what a good business. You know what I mean? And what's his name? Trump thinks the same way, like raise tariffs. They know how to hit people in the pockets. What he's saying is it make it more expensive for these corporations. They get the handout, I forget how many a year. But you know, what happens is, I think a few of the terrorists overstayed their visas and shit, and they get lost,

and next thing you know, they're blowing us up. There's all kinds of, but what they do is they undercut the American work as far as Pago. People will move here from India and work, and be very smart and work for half the, and not all of them are smart. I read a bunch of articles that were saying, you know, but the white guy is getting pushed out and the MAGA, the real MAGA people are saying, fuck you, like Steve Bannon said,

get rid of it. So, you know, but I understand where, what what's his names coming from Vivek and Musk saying if you want the best talent you it makes sense you bigger pool just make sure and I think you'll do this you do it on merit you got to be the brightest in the end of the brightest Korean and the brightest and and because you do otherwise Russia's gonna grab them and we've brought German scientists over here before Einstein fucking Einstein he came over he was cutting lawns and peeing match so I see

both arguments but and it's I you know I think it's a little going against how I usually am when I hear Steve Bannon say something, I usually like him. He to me, when you see all this good shit happen, I still think he's in Trump's ear. I just, the guy is scary smart too. I don't know. So, but I think we have to, you know, Indians Asians. I feel that way about doctors too. So he's saying make it more expensive to hire from overseas domestically in his response to a thread claiming H1B visas were being used to hire low-wage programmers and developers. So make it more you know, whack the corporations in the wallet. Musk and Vivek contended that H1B visas are crucial to the US attracting top-tier talent

for the development of cutting-edge technologies. Come on, let's be honest folks. The Asians and Indians? Come on, let's be honest folks. The Asians and Indians? Come on, you're not sitting next to a pollock on a test. Well, they don't do that anymore, but you know what I'm saying. All due respect. Such as AI that has been in boom for the economy. On the other side, immigration hardliners

argue that the program has effectively indentured servitude, trapping foreigners at certain companies to do their desire to stay in the US, and that companies were exploiting the system for cheaper labour, which is always the case. But why not? The American way. Critics also lamented the lack of the US education system's ability to produce more top-notch talent in occupations that dominate H1. That's

true. Because over here, for the last 50 years, kids haven't been learning science and math. They've been learning about gender and race and the white man and patriarchy and racism and dog shitting misogynism and yeast infections and frisbees. Fucks. Whose fault is that? Liberal assholes. Anywhere there's cancer in this country. Trace it back to the left wing jackoffs.

You know what I'm saying? I think you do. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some fentanyl. What you doing? I'm adjusting to you. Why? What happened? Looks perfect.

Let's move on to Jack. Can I get a Jack and Jesus, please? This is a good story, nice holiday Christmas thing. A Maryland male named Thomas van Getz went to midnight mass at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church in Leonardtown, Maryland, poured whiskey into the holy water during a Christmas Eve midnight mass at a Catholic church and threatened Parrot Parrot parishioners

It made me laugh because when I was a kid first time I went to church with my mother I she I don't even remember she said I put my hand in the For and tried to drink it off my hand And then that's what she threw me and I hit my head on a pew never been right since war But that wasn't all that went down the cops said there he is right there the culprit war. But that wasn't all that went down, the cops said. There he is right there, the culprit. Congregants escorted van Getz out of the church, but the sheriff's office told WTOP he tried striking them with his whiskey bottle. Hey, it's Christmas. But before that, just after 5 p.m., van Getz entered Holy Angels Catholic Church, as opposed to the evil angels, in Avenue during Mass,

approached the altar and dropped an onion in the aisle. I thought that was like a euphemism for taking a shit in a church. He dropped an onion. This guy wants to be on World's know, world's best chef next week. He dropped an onion in the aisle, the sheriff said, adding that he also disturbed the peace of attendees. Well, an onion won't do that in church.

Could have dropped a deuce. A congregant escorted van Getz out of the church, Japanese told the station, but van Getz responded by throwing tangerines at the congregate. This guy is one of the healthiest criminals we've ever talked about. Then he poured a bottle of Balance of Nature. Dumped that in the toilet in the rectory. Oh my god. He was arrested on Thursday and charged

with the following offenses, second degree assault, disorderly conduct, defacing religious property, religious crime against a group, obstructing a religious exercise, threat of mass violence, disturbing the peace, watering down the holy water. Oh my God, so he's going to go away from the world. I don know about, he's probably an auntie, you know, I don't know. He knew where the churches were. I'm guessing if you looked into his past, like father Smith touched him as an altar boy. Why are you gonna raise hell there?

Or he's just a real lefty who doesn't believe in all that. Or he was just bored and drunk out of his mind. Seems like he's, he's kind of on the fence. He doesn't know if he wants to be a criminal or a chef. Anyhow, fresh produce is very important when you're being fucking anti-God. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let's get into Hollywood.

Remember Leno, I don't know, a few months back, showed up with his wrist broken and his fucking face all purple and bruised, and he said he fell down a hill. He was on a gig at a hotel and he saw a restaurant. Instead of going around, he cut down a hill, tripped and rolled and hit his face on a rock, which does sound kind of funny to me. So, but Bill, he was on Bill Maher and apparently there's a rumor saying,

somebody started a rumor online that Jay owed gambling debts to the mob and Bill Maher asked him about it a couple times and he said, of course not. And I laughed because Jay Leno is, he's true Scottish. This guy has the first penny he ever made. He still hasn't spent a dime of his tonight show money. He's just a Scottish old school and he laughed. He goes, he goes, I don't gamble. He goes, I'd feel, he goes, I'd feel, how did he say it? He goes, I'd feel stupid at winning a thousand dollars

that something about then losing I'd be more scared to lose a hundred to win a thousand I can't remember but he's not the gambling type but again it sounds weird it sounds way I maybe was a he also said to Bill Maher I laugh at the he goes if I was a gambler and it mob debts they wouldn't take one of my five thousand cars that's worth a half million dollars. You know what I mean? So he made some good points. I don't gamble. Now when I heard that, I'm like, Leno mob. He had a couple of great stories about when he's a comedian and the mob. Here's a quick one when he was on Rogan that made me laugh.

So we're doing this thing, it's a golf course, and they say to me, listen, there's a priest here, so keep your act. I said, yeah, OK, fine. So I go up and I do my little act, and fine, thank you. Applause, applause, sit down. So this gangster guy gets up, you know, he goes, I want to welcome you all to this, you know,

this place and what's it going to say? Oh shit, I forgot what it was going to say. And when he said shit, the priest went like this. That guy goes, what? Hey, father, you got your ten grand in the fucking bag? Shut the fuck up! He just goes crazy in his gut. You shut the fuck up! And the place crazy in his gut. You shut the fuck up!

And the place is just, everybody's just frozen with fear. This guy's just like crazy. And the priest is like, he's holding his bag with the 10 grand in it, you know? And then he sits down. I would tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again. I just laugh how much Jay put into that.

So now you get to see what Jay looks like when he's fucking mad at. Oh my God, did that make me laugh? Hey, should I do the tour dates for, oh, it's in the fucking thing. Boy, I need a day off. We're moving back quote. Anyways, let me, uh, tour dates. If you go to nickdip.com, or you're watching this show right now, February 20th, 2025, Brick Town Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Then the next night, I'm going to the Funny Bone in St. Louis, Missouri. Haven't been there in years. That, and that's a club that's been around forever. It's an old, we've all been through that one. April 25th, 2025, Cahoeos Music Hall, Cahos New York. That's up by Albany and where I shot my last special. Hey, if you guys want to support the show and get some merch, we have a lot of new stuff.

So grab a hat, hoodie, a mug, t-shirt, baseball shirt, condom, plastic hips, fake mustaches fake doodoo just go to nickdip.com if you're watching the free version of the show you can watch full episodes of my show also lotto with crowded and all exclusive rumble content add free with one subscription click the link in the description then click the rumble premium button and to promo code mug club That's one word mug club and get ten dollars off Annually, thank you for your patronage

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