The Nick DiPaolo Show - Paging Mr. Allah!| Nick Di Paolo Show #1626

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Vance Bashes Bash, a Cuban meathead, Black honesty and much more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! SEE NICK LIVE: 9/27/24 - Wise Guys - Jordan Landing, UT 9/28/24 - Skankfest - Las Vegas, NV 9/29/24 - Skankfest - Las Vegas, NV 11/9/24 – Bridge View Center Theater – Ottumwa, IA TIX:  https://www.nickdip.com/tour    For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

Music playing Hi folks, welcome to the show on a Wednesday, how you is. Tomorrow on the show, the great Steve Sweeney, if you guys don't know who that is. If you're a fan of mine, you can thank him for me being a comic. If you don't like me, you can blame him. Just a legend. A legend in Boston. It was in a few movies, had small parts,

in Roddy Dangerfield movie, a few of the Fair It was in a few movies at Small Parts and Roddy Dangerfield movie, a few of the Fairly Brothers movies, but just an absolute legend. He's the reason, literally, that a lot of us in the Boston area got into it. He lived in unbelievably interesting, you know, a party, coke, fucking booze, and still just, just one of those guys, sort of a Bill Murray. You can't look at him without laughing and just born to do this. And so he'll be the guest tomorrow. I think you're going to like that because we have a few

stories that you'll find funny, hopefully. I got a colonoscopy coming up. Delicious, as Dallas said. Look at me, colonoscopy with these glasses when I just fucking put myself in a wheelchair. These things don't even work, I use them to look good. Here we go, what do I gotta do here? I gotta go to the store today and pick up

Dalkylax, four tablets, Merillax, 238 gram bottle. I already got a 500 gram bottle, I'm not kidding at all. Gatorade, 64 ounces. Baby wipes and shit, because they know your ass is going to be wounded. I don't even think this is necessary. I think it's a gay cabal. Let me see, one day before procedure,

begin clear liquid diet morning prior to procedure. Continue throughout the day, which consists of coffee and or tea, no milk, cream, sugar, water's fine, diet soda, chicken broth. No solid foods, no red or purple coloring. 5 p.m. the day before the procedure, take four Dalcolacs and say goodbye to your family.

Change your address to the bathroom for mail. Continue to drink clear liquids. Alcohol-free baby wipes of Vaseline help ease skin irritate. Bullshit. My ass was like leather. I was a homo in the 60s. 7 p.m. day before procedure. Drink your solution. Drink 8 ounce glasses every 15 minutes until half, which is 32 ounces, is consumed. You may continue drinking clear liquids six hours before the procedure,

drink the remainder of your solution. That's, what they're talking about is Gatorade with the Merillax in it. But isn't vodka a clear liquid? We'll find out. We'll be canceled. We'll be cancelled. Your prep must be completed four hours before you proceed. Mine's at three.

They asked you to be there an hour early. What the fuck? So that means 11 o'clock. Do not take oral medication. Where's the one when it says mix the friggin' mix the Marillacs and Gatorade together and place it in the refrigerator. And then at five o'clock you take the four tablets

and drink this whatever the fuck. Look, I've done it a few times, folks. And literally, you're pissing out your ass. You don't even have to push, you just feel the sensation. You sit down. It's like having diarrhea. Only it's clear after about the 80th time. Then they have to stitch up your asshole from wiping. I used to have a line in my act about having diarrhea. My ass was so sore I could have wiped it with a live rabbit, it would have been soft enough. Anyways, I got that to look for.

And this is the last one I'm doing. Because if I'm 72, okay, fuck it. Let the polyps grow. Have a nice little garden in there. See me on PBS. Last time they did one on me, they found my head up there. The doctor said, that's real funny, you Jew prick. It's time to harvest Nick's ass.

Yeah, there you go. Fucking... Who likes summer squash? You gotta rinse it good. Alright, I got a packed show. Didn't turn this fucking thing on. I'm tired. People say life is short. Boy, lately I'm like, I'm tired.

Not to say I'm gonna kill myself, but... Okay. Let's get to it. Vant, that would be JD. Bash is Dana Bash. This was from a few days ago, wanted to show it, didn't get to it. On CNN's State of the Union, Bash accused Vance of placing his constituents at risk for bringing attention to the problems in, I love this mentality of the left, that when you point out what destruction their

policies have wreaked on this country or anything on your person and you pointed out you're the problem fucking who are problems in Springfield at first Vance took the high road ignoring the accusation he told bash the media completely ignored Springfield's problems until recently Explained how vice president Kamala Harris policy record would create more Springfield situations and disclosed how many? Constituents have called his office to report problems in Springfield But instead of addressing the substance of Vance's comments bash responded by trying to Fact check him. I don't know who she thinks she is. You fucking whore.

Fuck you. Yeah, that's it. Go home. Get my dinner ready. I thought Vance was a little out of line on that, but I'll take it. The CNN anchor who admitted to going light on Harris in her one sit-down interview she did with Democratic presidential nominee dismissed 911 calls and social media videos seemingly providing credibility to the animal targeting allegations. Excuse me. And as

far as the geese go, I don't care about the dogs. That's not the fucking point. We already went over this. Then she went a step further and directly accused Vance of saying things that are wrong and actually causing the hospitals, the schools, the government buildings to be evacuated because of bomb threats. So she's blaming the bomb threats on for what JD Vance is saying. With that accusation, Vance finally had had enough. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore. So, uh, Harry is calling her on her fucking left-wing liberal Democrat-ordered propaganda. Go ahead. This is actually, I think this is an important conversation.

The Springfield mayor, he's dealing with a lot of terrible things. I certainly sympathize with the guy and we're going to try to help him out, but he did not accuse me of inciting a bomb threat. He just didn't. And if we're going to take the first-hand accounts of people who are on the ground in Springfield, why don't you bring on some of the people on your program who say that the migrants are eating their pets? You're applying a double standard here. You're saying if one person accuses JD Vance I'm gonna take that person's you have somebody who's gospel truth You have somebody even if you misrepresented if you have another person who's saying they're eating the cats You're gonna completely ignore them attack them silence them and harass them that double standard is why the people don't trust the media

And why we're not talking about public policy 51 days out from presidential election. I mean it's that simple. Have somebody on. I told my brother, I said it yesterday, he lives in Ohio sometimes he has to go to Cincinnati he has to go you know through Springfield or near it and he says he's been reading for months before all this shit started on the internet about pets and my buddy and again I said this yesterday

my late great friend the cop who was in Miami for his career had to deal with Haitians and he would tell me crime scenes and they'd find burnt bones. Anyways that's how you put it to rest. You have somebody on. Do some journalism. That would take you actually doing some journalism and reporting. I'm sure you could find somebody who saw the guy with the geese. Or many people. You're fucking anyways. How anybody votes Democrat? You make me sick. Anyways, let's move the hell on. Might as well stay on the left wing. Cuban meathead crisis.

Billionaire entrepreneur and shark tank star Mark Cuban said he would be interested in acquiring Rupert Murdoch's Fox News and Elon Musk's X. But there are certain hurdles involved. If I had enough money to do it, which I don't, then there are certain hurdles involved. If I had enough money to do it, which I don't, then don't bring it up. Sounds like Robert Klein when he had a bit. Robert Klein goes, but before I was going to be a comedian, I wanted to, I was going to study medicine, but a few things got in the way.

You know, my grades, discipline, math, science. If I had enough money to do it, which I don't, I'd buy it in a heartbeat. Oh, great. If my aunt had a dick, it'd be my uncle, as they say. Cuban sees the purchase of Fox News as a potential answer to what he calls the Fox News generation. Listen to this. God damn it. A group he believes has deviated from their youthful ideals.

As opposed to people who watch MSNBC and they're in their 50s and still wear tie-dye t-shirts and have 20 hours a day to fucking protest shit and don't go to work. And what are you fucking talking about? He estimates that... Oh, what? Who gives a fuck what you think? Hey, Nick, good timing. fucking talking about? He estimates the cost of acquiring Fox News to be around 15-20 billion with a B. I don't have 15-20 billion in cash sitting around. You don't? You're not Tony Montana? Regarding Musk's social media platform X, which the tech mogul acquired for 44 billion

in October of 22, Cuban voiced skepticism about the feasibility of its acquisition. He wouldn't sell it. Cuban also spoke about Musk's vast power and influence, especially through his ownership of X. He says, Twitter gives Musk the ability to connect

to the Prime Minister, the head of every country in the world, he also contended that this grants Musk an unparalleled level of control. I didn't hear you saying that when fucking Jack Dorsey owned it and was working hand in hand with fucking Facebook and all the other tech moguls to throw an election. So shut the fuck up. Go back to your booth at the Mavericks game. Stupid fuck. He literally, wherever his thumb wants to go, he gets to push his heart, meaning you're putting your

thumb on the scale. On the other hand, Fox News has been accused of political bias, he said, perpetuating conservative views and misleading its audience on important issues like science and the COVID-19 pandemic. He's a fag. Really? Really? That's fucking odd. Because if you worked at Fox News, and I know this firsthand, you had to get a mandatory vaccination. So you do whose side are you on? What are you talking about? Um, Joe Rogan, remember they took his ivermectin thing and ran with it and they took Trump saying yeah shoot bleach into your van, ran with it. All shit that's being debunked and you're sitting here accusing Fox News of being the problem.

But also doesn't call out anything else about being left bias doesn't mention and this the fucking Russian hoax the P tape that destroyed it that split us right in fucking half all this has been debunked by the way obviously a hunters laptop story the 51 retired intelligence agents that sign that thing saying that the laptop was Russian and You're and you're saying Fox is misleading. This has to stop This is this you know how we get to this point where people go and it makes me both sides do it That's how and you know who usually says that that the people that are lying in doing it. It's called equivocating and I fucking hate it So mr. Cuban again, and it doesn't seem like that bad a friggin guy.

I like guys who like sports. But I'm just saying. You're a capitalist. Why wouldn't you like Trump? I'm pulling these lower teeth up. They're making me fucking nuts. I'm not quitting coffee, it's too late. I should do something for this colonoscopy. I should stick something up there. Just to be funny. Like a piece of Bubba-lish is still wrapped.

Just to surprise the shit out of the doctor. I think it's so, you can have these they say, and be awake. Well I'd like to try that. I don't like getting knocked out. Well, they say, and I don't know if this is true or not, it's the closest you are to being dead when you're unconscious like that. It slows everything down, I guess. I actually Googled, and I've already had a few of these.

I used to get them every two years. It felt kind of fun. Anyways, let's move on. And here's why you don't want to fuck with Israel. This story made me laugh and cry. Not cry because I was sad and laughing so hard, I cried. Paging Allah, good one, fella. Hezbollah militants all across Lebanon and parts of Syria received a message

that appeared to be sent by the group's leadership to their new pager at 330 in the afternoon but in reality the fake message was the trigger that set off explosives hidden in the pagers officials told the New York Times fuck those were some tough Jews apparently there's a testicle from one of the Palestinian the message triggered the batteries inside the pagers to overheat and ignite the explosives source told Sky News Arabia The pagers which were allegedly rigged with explosives by the Israeli spy agency Mossad

Beeped for several seconds before they exploded, the officials told the EO. You tend to yell God is great when your nuts are on fire. The exploding beepers killed at least nine people. Holy shit! I told my wife this story and she beat me to the punch because you don't think our iPhones are gonna have that capability. And it's true because when you think of the high-tech people like Bill Gates who only want about 50 people on the planet eventually that's their goal you're gonna fucking who mom's texting next thing you know your heads in the ocean

the exploding beepers killed at least nine people but they're not people eight of whom appeared to be Hezbollah fighters but also an eight-year-old girl I want to see proof of it because you fuckers lie about this shit all the time and whatever you shouldn't fuck with them on October 7th and injured roughly 2,800 people these weren't little things apparently holy shit according to Lebanese officials and we know they don't like the devices left the trail of small bloody scenes that looked like me softball game line drive I wasn't paying attention I left the trail of small bloody scenes throughout the

country as they exploded in people's pockets bags and hands oh doesn't anybody have a fucking video some Nick why would you want to see that because it's good TV some of the victims lost their hands well they used to that over there every every fifth Muller has a hook and a glass eye I know that's not the same as these people had Had chunks blown off their thighs, somebody get Joy Behar page, or groins in maimed faces. According to the photographers from the AP,

what a way to stem future generations of Hezbollah fighters than blowing the genitals off their parents. Mossad allegedly intercepted, listen to this, who came up with this? And how do we get them as a defensive coordinator for the Patriot? Mossad allegedly intercepted a shipment of Taiwanese made beepers before it reached Lebanon and planted one to two ounces of pairithrallol, that's what they're going to knock me out with on Friday, tetranitrate, a highly explosive

material next to the battery along with a remote trigger switch. These fuckers, huh? Excuse me. Huh? That's what I'm saying. Yeah, and for the damage it did I mean What are these these people ever the ones that survived were they ever use a pager again or anything? You can see him sitting at home though Wives like honey. Will you give me the flash? I ain't touching that

Oh the wife's like honey will you give me the flash I ain't touching that oh my god Israel you are something else I don't and you know my take on this I don't give a shit what you you slaughtered those young Israeli kids I don't give a fuck and you are the ones who don't want to ceasefire I mean Israel we all know this handed the Gaza Strip over to you in 2005 gave you billions of dollars And what did you do with it? You dug tunnels with it shit You're the ones who want to continue to fight you don't want to state solution and keep it up you you're being outsmarted Sorry to take a side on that. Hey folks for those of you right now Watching this show

you right now watching this show. Stick around for the second half of the show. The rest of you should go to nickdip.com and sign up for Mug Club. That's how you get this whole show. You'll get Steven Crowder's full show, which is worth it in itself, and that's no bullshit. Alex Jones pops in every other Friday, or Brian Callan a whole bunch of for the money honestly and they break They break national stories his undercover team and it's funny as hell

They have enough they have a wardrobe like it's NBC studios. It's fucking the operation is insane And he you talk about speaking truth to power, that's what that show does. He literally has on people and, and you, and break stories that, that have to be reported on major networks. And listen to this, the last time I was there we were streaming the debate, right? Trump and Kamala, 300,000 people at one point were watching. Think about that. Let that set in. Here's my dates by the way.

If you're at nickdip.com you click on the tour button. September 27th, that's a week from this Friday. I'll be at Wise Guys. Jordan Landing in Utah. I believe it sold out. There was only 12 tickets left. So check out. Good luck to you on that. And then the next night, the next two nights, September 28, 29, I'll be at Skankfest, which is a lot of fun I hear, in Las Vegas. So I hope to see you guys there. And we got a new one. I guess, Dallas, what happened today? They're on sale now. They're on sale. The venue put them on sale, right? I think that's what, yeah.

Where did they go? Ticket mask? All the links will be in the. Oh, in my website. Yeah, yeah. Right? Go to my website. November 9th, you can, they went on sale today, I guess.

Bridge View Center Theater in Ottumwa, Iowa. I haven't ever been there. Looks like a beautiful theater and I gotta be honest, I'm excited about that. Anyways, for those of you sticking around with the second half of the show, we're gonna give you another update on the guy that tried to shoot Trump on the golf course, Ryan Routh. Apparently they invaded his home, the FBI and shit, in Hawaii and they got some interesting footage. Also, we'll show you more lying from the media, malicious lies about Springfield, Ohio, and all the hoaxes that went on. And they haven't apologized for being wrong on any of it. So stick around for that.

Hi, good night everybody. Oh, yeah Thanks for watching!