The Nick DiPaolo Show - Pence Makes F*g Joke | Nick Di Paolo Show #1370

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

Republican Nominees on Ukraine War. Pence Pisses Off Buttigieg's Hubby. 2.6 Tons Of Cocaine Found On Ghost Sub.   Join Nick for bonus content at Patreon! www.patreon.com/thenickdipaoloshow Go see Nick on the road! www.nickdip.com/tour for tickets!

🎵 You try teasing, but baby, you can't even fake it. Hi, kids. How are you? Great to be with you. That's what they say on TV. I don't believe it. Hi, kids. How are you? Great to be with you. That's what they say on TV. I don't believe it. God, I hate that when they go, good to see you today. Oh, will you shut the fuck up. Here's the other thing I don't understand.

When somebody does a news report, let's say a remote, and they're working for Tucker or another show, or you're a guest on a show thanks for having me on that's what I meant when they have a guest on their shows on TV thanks for having the first they thank the host for having them on you're doing me a favor by being a guest so we need content he's thanking me for? Why don't you get my message out to shut up? Stop with the niceties.

I get mad at the oddest things. Hey, can they hear you laughing if you're muted the whole time? Through your mic. Oh, okay, that's a no. They can't. I need laughter. I can't. They can't. No, don't be a a no. I need laughter. They can't. No, don't be a dink.

There you go. My sister's ass. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. It's my favorite scene in the whole movie. We have the, what brothers was it uh gino and uh out of providence um what's going on folks uh good what is it a wednesday wednesday already manga yang uh i gotta work out today dallas ain't nobody i come home you're a cultured fella you You take yourself as one. Miso salad.

You know what that is? It's delicious. It's the French. The fags get some shit right. But a salad with string beans, hard boiled egg, potatoes, tuna, bell pepper slice. It sounds like too much going on, and it works beautifully with some type of, I don't know what dressing, lemon, I don't know what it is.

My wife, it's phenomenal. So I eat two bowls of that and go, ooh, aren't I healthy? I'm not even shitting you. I put my thing in the sink. I go back in, watch, I don't know, 10 minutes of TV. Get up, go in the freezer. She bought those ice cream drumsticks,

which I like those so much, I'll sit on them bare-ass with a point. But she bought, they sell them miniature ones now. So I ate seven. You got to eat four of them. Well, that's how my wife tried to make me feel about it. She goes, that's only like two real ones.

And I'm like, but a real one's like 400 calories. Have a look at the fucking... Anytime you can't pronounce any of the words in the fucking, in the ingredients, you know it's going to rot out your ass your ass but don't why do those things I fucking love though I loved him as a kid who invented those people Jesus fucking husband he was spinning on him asshole yeah so I had seven of those I think they're 130 calories II I hope our buddy Lee priest is watching the bodybuilding he'll be Yeah, so I had seven of those. I think they're 130 calories each.

I hope our buddy Lee Priest is watching the bodybuilding. He'll be laughing his balls off. Had seven of those. I swear to God, 10 minutes after I had them, and the salad's filling. There's potato and tuna and shit in it. It's not like I'm eating just a regular fag salad. It's fucking filling.

So I ate that. It's weird. It's like when my wife goes to bed, it's like, oh, these calories don't count because nobody's watching me. It takes over that mentality. You know how like you eat a big dinner and you're like, oh, I did pretty good. I didn't eat too much. Then you go back in there, eat over the sink, standing up. And you go, this doesn't count. standing up and you go this doesn't count what are you fucking doing so I have seven of those she goes to bed fucking cheese and crack is about an hour later while I'm watching the ID network watching stories about a rapist and shit nothing goes better than a rape story Gouda I'm telling you um I'm not done. Then I had that. Then I waited about an hour and a half.

Right before I went to bed, I go in and see a jar of Skippy. And for some reason, there's a jar of Fluffinutter, which I haven't had since I was in second grade. Maybe my wife's got a family I don't know about. She's making sandwiches for the kids. I stood there in the peanut butter, in the thing. No bread. That's my idea of dieting.

No bread. Fucking fluffing on it and peanut butter. And I don't mean just a couple of spoonfuls. I look like one of those people on 600 Pound Life. Can you imagine all that shit? And then I wonder. I look at him and I go, what the fuck is this? Now, today I'll do cardio like a madman, and that'll kick up my metabolism. All that does is make me hungrier.

It's amazing. So what I do is I burn calories that I know I'm going to fucking, so I just stay at the same or worse. Although when we get back from, I always do this, when we get back from flying or a trip, I'm always dehydrated after I travel. You know, I got on the scale. I was 221. And I've been bouncing between 226 and 228. You know, I was like 221. I'm like, what the fuck?

Then again, you and I, all we did was eat sushi and some ass. What? Cut. All right, let's get on with it. Oh, and the other thing is my anniversary, 20th anniversary. Me and the wife tomorrow. And, honey, don't get mad, but my mother, this is

why mothers are great. She goes, oh, I thought you guys might be away on your anniversary. That's her way of letting me know my anniversary. Although I've never forgot since I've known her. At least I don't. Well, if I did, I wouldn't have known I forgot her. Yes, I would.

Yeah, I have a feeling she would make sure. What am I saying? I'd have an iron, fucking iron embedded in the side of my head with a handle sticking up. 20 years, folks. Married 20 years tomorrow. And I dated her for nine. Boy, she must be excited to see my dick and balls, huh? That's why I only, you know, let her see him once a year.

That's the situation. So I think we'll do what we did last year. I took her to Fuddruckers with a bottle of wine. We had a great time. Did some line dancing. Let's get to the goddamn whatever the fuck. Republican nominees gave their opinions. These are people, I think, who have actually announced that they're running. Well, no, that's not true either because DeSantis hasn't made official.

Right? We know these people are running. But we, right? We know these people are running. Anyways, I guess Tucker Carlson sent out the questionnaire and asking them about the Ukraine war and how they feel. The question, I think, was, is opposing Russia and Ukraine a vital American national strategic interest? That's almost a friggin' rhetorical question, in my opinion.

And they started with one of the greatest presidents ever, and he's crushing people again, Trump. I'm surprised. I thought DeSantis, again, who knows? These polls could change tomorrow, but yeah, I know. But still, would you expect Trump to be up like 60 to 20? He's a winner. I'm a winner. Anyways, Trump said about that question, is it in a strategic interest? No, no, it's not. Now leave me alone. That's all he said. What did he say? He said this. I am your voice. Trump said no, but it is for Europe, which makes, he's very good on this shit. Even people who don't like him give him credit, how he kept us out of wars. And he's, folks, he's not done by any stretch of imagination. Acts like a buffoon?

Nah, not my opinion. You have to act like a buffoon when the whole media's stacked against you. But he's mean with his tweets. Suck a bag of tits. No, but it is for Europe, adding that European allies should be paying far more than we are. Yes! Didn't he, didn't he, he whacked them. He raised it, didn't he? Tell them when he was president, didn't he, he whacked them. He raised it, didn't he? Tell them when he was president, didn't he kick up the price for them? Especially now, he's like, hey, you want our help?

Or do you want to be speaking fucking Russian in about a year? Kick it up a notch. Anyways, so he says, yeah, they should be paying more than we are or equal. How can you argue with that? Ron DeSantis told Carlson, while the United States has many vital national interests, becoming further entangled in territorial dispute between Ukraine and Russia is not one of them. You are correct, sir.

It really, folks, it doesn't make you a fucking traitor or a Putin lover, whatever the fuck. We have no strict, they're not going to, yeah, but I actually heard somebody, these neocons who love fucking war say, yeah, but they'll be on our doorstep or whatever the fuck. No, no, it's a long way away. Okay. Europe's in between it. You mama-lukes. Not to mention the Atlantic Ocean. Yeah, and the big ocean.

There's a big pond between that might slow them down. Although the Chinese are building up their navy, they'll probably lend a few boats. That's what you gotta worry about. Dinkweed Biden fucking chased Russia right into China's hands. Fuck nut.

Kristi Noem, who I've been dating in my dreams. I pounded the shit out of her. Then I woke up and I went to work. You know, honey, I'm kidding. I know it's our anniversary. That's bullshit. But she's a pretty good looking governor. She got Indian in her?

I say that because she's a pretty good looking governor she got indian in her i say that because she's a dakota uh christie noel pointed to china as being the primary external threat to the united states instead of russia yeah and now they're going to go hand in hand thanks to fuckstein in the white house saying the war in ukraine should be europe's fight not ours it's really kind of simple not to mention the billions and zillions of dollars we're pouring into that war. And Zelensky's no, that's not a democratic country, you understand, right? He's fucking outlawing Christianity over there. He shut down his political opponents. I read folks. I read stuff and look at her. And here's my boy. You guys, if you ask me today who I'm voting for, and I'm not kidding,

because every time I've seen this guy on TV for the last couple of years, I go, God damn it, I like him. Ramaswamy. Let me clear my eyes. My eyes water like an 80-year-old man or a dog who's been pepper sprayed. Ramaswamy. Ramaswamy. Ramaswamy. Look at this guy.

Hey, did you Google how old he was? How old? 37. No wonder why he didn't tell me. You fuck. Yes! I was going to go 36 and Dallas goes 30. I'm going 30.

I go, God damn it. All right, I'll go 37. I'm going 30. I go, God damn it. All right, I'll go 37. I'm laughing because I have a creepy ability to do that. Remember the girl? You guessed your age right on. I always do. I'm within a couple years at the worst. My wife freaks the fuck out.

I could be watching McHale's Navy, and it could be an extra in the background. I'll tell you, he's 81. That could be watching McHale's Navy, and it could be an extra in the background. I'll tell you, he's 81. Anyways, Ramaswamy says not vital to oppose Russia, while stressing it is vital for the United States to have energy independence. Again, he always has an angle, which is smart. Insisting that had Europe relied more on the United States for oil and gas,

which they would have been if Trump was in office, instead of Russia, the invasion might not have happened. Try arguing that logic. He was the best guy around. What do you mean, was? Again, probably doesn't have a chance to win him because this country's dumb as a bag of shit, but he should be in somebody's cabinet. Mine.

Did I say cabinet? I meant closet. Guy, I love him. He was on Gutfeld. He's got a personality. He's as right wing as I am. Colin Quinn always used to say to me, it's people from, you know, Asia. That's Indians, right, too? Pakistani, all that shit. They're going to save us, the immigrants. This guy built his own company, which is worth, I think, $700 million or something. Molecular, something to do with molecular engineering. You know, just dabbles in that. So he knows that type of shit, plus a businessman, whatever.

Meanwhile, jerk-off Mike Pence touted the Reagan doctrine. That's good. 1980 call. They want your fucking foreign policy back. Look at this guy. He looks like every fake president in a movie. He's actually aging, though. He's starting to look better. Meanwhile, Pence, that's what happens when people try to bust into your office at a Capitol, right? Meanwhile, Pence touted the Reagan doctrine of fending off enemies on their shores to prevent America's direct involvement, saying there is no room for Putin apologists in the Republican army. Oh, God.

Oh, fucking idiot. Do you realize Mike Pence at MAGA is the Republican Party? And I know they won't say that on TV. Oh, it's a big split there. But he just lost anybody. Well, anybody who liked Trump hates him because they think he betrayed him on that day. Anyways, January 6th. This is not America's war, but if Putin is not stopped and the sovereign nation of Ukraine is not restored quickly, by the way, we started all this shit over there, you know, in 2014. He will continue to move toward our NATO allies,

and America would then be called upon to send our own. That did not help you. It didn't help you, honey. Scott, that would be Rick Scott. There he is. Not to be confused with Dred Scott, wide receiver for the Jets in the 70s. And he had a big court game. Dred Scott versus wide receiver for the Jets in the 70s, and he

had a big court game. Dred Scott versus what was it the Vikings defense? Scott says it's vital, a vital national interest to degrade Russia's military. I'm gonna degrade your haircut. What does that fucking mean? That's what they're doing to us. This is what some people say. Well, let's listen to Christie. Why is another guy? Are you really? Some guys run for president, again, so he'll sell some books or whatever the fuck.

Does this fat slob? I can't stand this guy. Only he could be, call himself, only in New Jersey could he be considered a Republican. Christie similarly states, Russia's aggression against Ukraine is a national security issue. Oh, is it? That threatens our alliances and our standing in the world. Let me just tell you that. Y'all fat fuck, look at you.

Adding, this is a proxy war being waged between Russia's ally, China, against the United States, and that it would be naive to call this anything but Chinese aggression. Well, I agree to some extent, because there's a theory out there that China's backing this war because it's depleting our military, so then they can make a move on Taiwan, and we're left fucking ballers. That's how it works. The chinks think way ahead. They already are ballers. No, exactly. Take a look at Adam Levine. What's his name? Not Adam Levine. Admiral Levine. Oh, there's a joke in there somewhere. I just called Admiral Adam Levine.

Two bitches. No, I don't know. Adam Levine gets a lot of snatch. And he does skin care commercials. Anyways, let's move on. Let's stay on. Since we just talked about the aforementioned Mike Pence, he pissed off Pete Buttigieg's bitch. Who's a man, by the way. The White House on Monday called on Mike Pence to apologize. This made me go, maybe he's not that bad a guy. to apologize.

This made me go, maybe he's not that bad a guy. To apologize for his remark that Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg had gone on maternity leave, which everybody said that, Joe, saying that the former Vice President's

homophobic joke at the Gridiron Club dinner on Saturday was offensive and inappropriate. You know who said that? That little fucking schmagazza. Fucking Kareem Lapeer LaShear.

You know. Kareem Johnson. Lapeer. Pierre. Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up! All right. The former vice president's homophobic joke

about Secretary Buttigieg. Listen to this. She is everything that's wrong with this country. She's as dumb as a bag of rocks. She's been embarrassing herself every day since she took this job. But she checked all the boxes. Clam lapper, woman of color, ignorant Democrat, muffin head. Muffin head? I don't even know what that means. She says Buttigieg is offensive and inappropriate, all the more so because he treated women suffering from postpartum depression as a punchline. Yeah, that was said by Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre Zonabal, former teammate of Gretzky's. Look at this puppet.

Look at this. She's dumb. Hey, I got to point something out, you guys, and notice. She does this to look intelligent, pretending she's thinking. She'll bat her eyes like 100 times. Watch her. She'll go. I just said to you, watch her.

We're going to still follow. Watch me be an idiot. Karine Jean-Pierre said in a statement, she also, anytime she opens her mouth, all I hear is this. My vagina's angry. It is. It's pissed off.

Hey. My vagina is furious. He should apologize to women and LGBTQ people who are entitled to be treated. Shut the fuck up. You should apologize to the whole nation and admit you're not qualified. You fucking proved that this country isn't racist. Matter of fact, it went too far the other way. You fuck.

Go find a muffin, dive in it. Feet first. Make me a sandwich. Yeah, do that. Make me a fucking sandwich. No, no. I haven't heard from him in a while. The former vice president quipped when Pete's two children were born.

This is what Pence said. He took two months maternity leave, whereupon thousands of travelers were stranded at airports. The air traffic system shut down. Airplanes nearly collided midair, Pence said he took too much maternity leave whereupon thousands of travelers were stranded at airports the air traffic system shut down Airplanes nearly collided midair Pence said I mean Peter Buttigieg is the only person in human history to have a child And all the rest of us get postpartum depression I'll tell you. I'll tell you. This morning I did push-ups in the nude. I didn't see the mousetrap.

An honest question for you. This is her talking still, Muffinhead. An honest question for you, Mike Pence. No, this is from Buttigieg's wife slash man. An honest question for you, Mike Pence. After you attempted, after your attempted joke this weekend, if your grandchild was born

prematurely and placed on a ventilator at two months old and their tiny fingers were wrapped around your cock. What? Is that what he? No, I read that wrong. Wrapped around yours, fingers, as the monitors beep in the background. Where would you be?

Chastin, that's the guy on the right, Buttigieg tweeted Monday afternoon, and Pence responded, I might have to vote for him by saying, I know where I wouldn't be sucking my husband's cock. I suck cock and I love it. All right, finally tonight on Shit the Bed. Shit the Bed. The high seas. What does that mean?

Well, I thought this was interesting. It's a little, uh, a non-sequitur story, but the Colombian Navy, they're the bed. The high seas. What does that mean? Well, I thought this was interesting. It's a little a non-sequitur story, but the Colombian Navy, they're the best. Yeah, you remember McHale's Navy? It's based on a show called The Colombian Navy stumbled upon a chilling sight after seizing a ghost submarine. Now, folks, if you don't know what ghost is, I was in the Navy for 12 years. That's like a boat that's abandoned and floating

or a submarine or a ship or whatever. That's a ghost thing. All right, we'll see you later. Chilling sight after seizing a ghost submarine and finding two dead bodies along with more than, get this, wrap your fucking head around this one, $87.7 million worth of cocaine aboard. Wow. The love boat, exciting and new. Come aboard.

We got lines for you That's funny because that girl had a coke problem on the love boat. If you remember that girl, Julie, she was whatever her fucking... I'm talking to Dallas like he's my age. I was watching that show on my first girlfriend's couch

on Saturday night, 1978. Still trying to get in there. I couldn't get into the panties. Officials estimated that there was more than 2.8 tons of cocaine on the 49-foot-long vessel found floating in the Pacific Ocean on Sun... How much? Wow. I tell you, no submarines.

You got those Bell 2 salt choppers? That's no kick walk, man. Two survivors were also located on that submarine filled with cocaine. Hunter Biden and his stripper mommy, anyways, are located in need of life surveillance. So two guys are hanging on the outside of it and were saved. Once the illegal device was located, military, look at that pointy sucker. Military personnel, it looks like something you drive into, you know what, vampire's heart.

Military personnel found two individuals in poor health conditions on the outside of the vessel. Columbia's Ministry of National Defense said in a statement, but it sounded more like this. We have video of what? What did I send you? Oh, yes. You want to see a lot of cocaine, folks? Oh, my God. And by the way, this clip I could have showed you in about a minute. Watch this. You want to see a lot of cocaine folks? Oh my god. And by the way, I this clip

I could have showed you about a minute. They fuck watch this. You want to see a lot of cocaine? Don't pause those are all like you see the bag you just picked up. That's that's what those are Can you imagine? Can you just give me a couple? Could cover my nut till 2021, 29? What am I saying? Look at that. Look at that. Anyways, three defensive backs from the New York Jets were seen heading to Columbia on a skiff. Apparently, there was an accident inside the semi-submersible due to the generation of toxic gases and fuel. Some guy tried to light a fart, and sure enough, ka-da-ba-boom. Can you imagine being in a submarine

and you get toxic gases, the fuel inside? Oh, my God. You couldn't get me in a submarine. My God. The two men were treated and transported to a nearby vessel, the LeBow, where they were given the necessary medical attention to safeguard their lives. The Colombian government touted the Navy's efforts in preventing the drugs from being... Don't tout your efforts. First of all, the thing was abandoned. You happened to run into it.

If it wasn't a ghost ship, it would have probably got past you. So kiss my white grits. Preventing the drugs from being trafficked. Estimating that it kept more than 6 million doses of the illegal cocaine off the streets. Hunter Biden could be heard.

Joneson. Blow is really the only, uh, here's my prediction on all this fentanyl poisoning and overdoses and shit. I think it's going to have a rebound effect. I probably put this out there a couple shows ago. Because now, you know, kids will take an Adderall or a Xanax at a party, and it'll kill them. So eventually, I think, I know they retarded these kids,

eventually they'll be afraid to take anything. Wouldn't you think eventually? You would hope. I know, and you're like, well, addicts don't give a... Yeah, well, when 11 people around him start dropping, even they do go, hey, wait a minute. So,

but again, Joe Biden, how many times has he mentioned fentanyl since he's been president? Twice? Because he was forced to? Only time he brings up shit is because, you know, people on the right are going, he hasn't even talked about it. And he's like, oh, yeah, they're going to point. What an embarrassment.

What an embarrassment. Yeah. what an embarrassment yeah so I don't care if it's DeSantis Trumpy but I like my boy Vivek he's got to change his name it's like show business you know you got a real Jewish name, like Michael Landon,

his real name was like fucking Moneyberg, oh, Nick, that's horrible, you know what I mean, it was unbelievably Jewish, but, you know, that guy, again, and same with, I gotta say, DeSantis, That guy, again, and same with, I got to say, DeSantis, that state's pretty free. Even though some clubs that can't still have a cigarette, that's still faggy. I blame that on the soccer moms. They took the fun out of life. Well, that's it, folks. I'm depressed because I got to sweat in a few.

Not happy about that whatsoever. Anything else? What have I forgotten? Oh, Jesus. Get a card for the wife. Get her a Home Depot gift certificate. Do I have to give her a gift? How does that work? Dallas, you know this shit. Not really, right? Not really. I have not made it to 20 years, so...

Dinner? Dinner and a handjob for me? At the dinner table? It's great you sopped up with the bread nothing dallas is here we go we got 20 year anniversary i know it let's see it's a traditional 20th anniversary gift is china as if she doesn't have enough you have to get her some more China. She goes, and my wife's going to go, why do you call this, it'll be paper plates.

Why do you call this China? Made in China. Made from, made in China. Turn over the plate. Made in China. Turn over the plate. Made in China. How can you call this China? Made in China. Maybe I'll go dancing with her.

Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't do that when we were 22. Real men don't dance, by the way. You can do it for your wedding. We're all forced to do it now, but I don't want to see any shit after that. Bill Hicks said it best. We go to weddings, we curse and we sweat. That's what he said. All right, kids, thank you guys for joining us once again. Don't forget Cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or relative or say happy birthday to mom, tell her to pick up her dirty panties. Cameo.com.

You guys think that I'll say it. You're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow. Have a great rest of the day. Hi. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Hold on guitar solo Outro Music