The Nick DiPaolo Show - Pence's Run Pointless | Nick Di Paolo Show #1368

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Pence Critical of Trump Again. Russia Makes A Funny. MTG Not "Fonda" Jane. White Guilt On Full Display.   Join Nick for bonus content at Patreon! www.patreon.com/thenickdipaoloshow Go see Nick on the road! www.nickdip.com/tour for tickets!

🎵 Be seated. Sit down. All right. All right. I'd like to thank the Academy. I'm the first trans Puerto Rican, kleptomaniac, trans, fucking half-rodent,

shit-stain. Anyways, I'm like, I should watch uh just a little so we have something to talk i couldn't i i can't even i can't even on your behalf then again you're like me you don't give a fuck but again i don't watch it because i care about the movie i couldn't even name a movie and you know the sad part is it's not like i'm anti-movie i still like films but that's it's not that it's propaganda now it's all the films are anti-movie. I still like films. But that's, it's not that. It's propaganda now. It's, all the films are propaganda. That's all the fucking, I've told

Colin Quinn on the phone today, they shouldn't call it the Oscars. It should be the Himmlers. And the trophies will be made of melted down Jews' gold teeth. What? Well, that almost made sense. Anyways, just, I could not sit through that.

Me fuck you and your bone spurs. Exactly. Exactly. And I, ladies and gentlemen, your humble host, actually was behind the stage when Chris Rock hosted the Oscars. I got to see that shit up close and personal. Had a bunch of writers, and he selected two to be down there with him behind the stage. Yours truly, Jeff Stilson and Rick the late, great Richard Jenny. And it was kind of cool.

Back then, there was no trans. And gays were they blonde in a garage behind a tool chest. Am I right? Gay people, relax. You know I'm fucking busting your balls. Anyhow, good to be back from Kansas City. Me and my trusty producer, Dallas, made the trek. Or Dale.

Or Dale. Some drunk girl kept calling him Dale and calling me Paul. Pretty sure I had a shot. Drunk or retarded, either way, I'm good. But yes, it was, and again, I know you know how much I dislike traveling, and this didn't do anything to change my fucking mind. I mean, oh, goodness.

First of all, here's the new scam. Maybe it's not a new one, but I just picked up on it. They start the beverage service. Get this. We flew four times on Delta this weekend. Not one drink, not a cup of water. The first two flights, I admit, were too short to have a beverage, right? But the two-hour ones, here's the new thing.

And don't tell me they don't save money on this, right? Because they don't fucking, you know what I mean? They don't hand out all that soda and all that shit and they can do it. I'm telling you, that's how they comp. A bump, a couple bumps like this. And they go, oh, we got to shut it down. And of course, the first flight, they had already done. I'm in row 30 this flight because I booked it late. And of course, the first flight, they had already done, I'm in row 30 this

flight because I booked it late. I'm sorry. But they did about, what, 24 row. I see it coming. I'm such a negative fuck. I go, there's no way I'm getting a drink. Two big bumps, and she goes, we got to shut it down. And I said to Dallas, this must be the new scam. Sure enough enough on the flight out of fucking uh kansas city back to atlanta same thing couple mild bumps i've been served and we just soft as an egg i've been served where the cart's going like this and the broads you know the old fucking flight attendants were doing for years they didn't spill a drop these lazy motherfuckers, Gen Z, whatever you are, got to shut it down. And on the second one, I went, Jesus. And the girl hears me, the flight attendant, she goes, do you want to push the cart when it's that bumpy? Didn't say anything. She kept

going. And then I waited about 15 minutes and rang my thing. Made her bring me a drink. She had no excuse and she couldn't. You could tell she felt guilty. Imagine saying that to a paying customer. Shut your fucking mouth. First of all, you're not even fuckable. That goes against you in my book, being a shallow asshole that I am.

Flight attendants used to be fuckable. Now they're all like, you don't know, fucking dude. You were too young. You were jumping out of perfectly good planes. Plenty of Air Force women. Yeah, they're real hot in the military. They are in the Air Force. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's see that calendar. Anyways, I don't want a broad smarter than me. They're going to be pretty smart to be in the airport. Just that shit. And then, again, Delta, the most woke airline. They take pride in it.

Even a black dude, the flight attendants on the thing, you know, playing up his blackness like they're doing a commercial. Kids laying it on heavy. And I pointed this out. I did it on stage this weekend. I've done it on heavy. And I pointed this out upon, I did it on stage this weekend, I've done it on this show, walking down what I call the woke hall of fame when you're boarding a Delta flight.

Just look at the advertisements on the side of the walls. Again, Mexican guy here with one leg, a black girl on a computer, you know, Indian with a headdress, fucking two Native Americans babysitting a fucking goat. I don't know. And not a sign of a white guy until you get to the end, and there's the white guy. What's he doing? He's spooning with another white guy as they're reading a book and going, if that's not enough, then they put on the safety video and they get the, here's what I realized why it's so painful. I've been flying 30 something years and that,

those announcements have only got longer each year, but they still haven't changed. If I have to hear one more fucking speech about how shit may have shifted, be careful how to use a seat belt you can't really like you can't light a campfire in the men's room really thanks for clearing that up you twat oh it's just repetition if you've been doing it forever and flying like i say i i can't fucking take it anymore they haven't evolved one fucking iota. I want to, and then we, on the way home, connecting flights, which I don't. I said to my manager years ago, new rule, Tom, only going to direct fucking, but the problem is Savannah connects to about two cities directly.

Anyhow, yeah, so me and Dallas, of course the flight's late, taking off out of Kansas City. They didn't say why, right? They said something about deadheaders, and I googled it while the guy said that. It means people traveling for free. I don't know what that

means. Maybe they were staff, right, or something? Yeah, it's staff from the airline. Yeah, that's what he meant. But he wouldn't say that because people would go, fuck them, because they were late getting on the airport. So just because a couple of jerk-offs can't get to work on time, me and Dallas end up sprinting to our connecting flight. I smoked like a pirate this weekend, I hate to admit.

Let me tell you something. I've never been able to not sprint from a terminal, even if it's a five-minute sprint. I was almost spitting blood. I've got to stop. I can't even do that on stage. I get a few drinks, and I think it's fine. I don't know. Sure enough, we sprint right

down. Dallas is carrying his equipment. I'm laughing. He's dropping it. Look, he can't even laugh at himself. Come on. That was hilarious. No, he didn't drop anything. We get to the gate. And look, he can't even laugh at himself. Come on. That was hilarious. No, he didn't drop anything. So we get to the gate. Sure enough, they're calling our names. And fucking with the last one, which I hate.

I fucking booked the flight late. My fault. But the thing is, we had that connecting flight, the first flight out. They're like, please, people who aren't connecting, let these people. We're back in seat 28 and 33 or whatever. And of course, nobody, just American cunts. Everybody stands up. I stay seated when they say that, if I'm not in a hurry.

Nobody, every, you hear me, Dallas, everybody's connected, huh? Fucking 50 people. So we ended up sprinting like OJ with a dead woman in tow. It's a real relaxing day. I hate it, folks. I can't tell you how much I hate it. I can't fucking. Can I do comedy from my house? I'll just Zoom to you guys. You pay some fucking decent money. Seriously. Fucking do it with my robe open. That'll be a... That'll walk people. All right. Get to the stupid news. Fuck this. I don't even want to do this, and this is a fun job. Pence is a pussy. What does that mean?

Do you guys like Mike Pence? He looks like... I've said this a million times. He looks like an actor pretending to be the president in a movie. His hair, his suit, his... Mike Pence has offered a rebuke of his one-time boss, Donald Trump, saying history will hold the former president accountable for his role in the January 6th attack on the United States Capitol. What the fuck? Oh, fucking idiot!

It's not, if it holds him, if it holds him, whatever you said, responsible for January 6th, it'll hold you too, you pussy. Because you could have stopped the vote. You're a ball of sack of shit. And we do know now that it was fixed. People are still writing articles going, Trump wrongly.

No, we know now. And I'm not talking about Dominion and the voting machines and all the other shit that was illegal. Right. I'm talking about fucking burying stories like Hunter's laptop. We already know that the fix was in with the media working in cahoots with big tech. So shut the fuck up. So what's he saying that he really lost? Good luck with that. Is he running for president?

Here's my point. Most of these guys, he knows he's not going to win, but what he's going to do is he'll be able to sell a book about himself. This is his last call, you know. He'll sell a book. He'll give speeches for 200 grand,

whatever the fuck. He can't really think he's going to win. Republicans are MAGA, period. Pence then adjusted his brassiere. He was in the Capitol when thousands of Trump supporters, listen to, this is the New York Post, by the way, I believe. It's supposed to be a right-wing paper. When Trump supporters breached the building

in an attempt to stop Congress certifying the 2020 presidential election, which they should have done, which Trump lost to Joe Biden. No, he didn't. See, that's some dumb young bitch writing this fucking. No, he didn't. No, he didn't.

He smoked them. And if you don't believe that, you're retarded. As Senate president, Pence presided over the ceremonial task of approving the votes of the Electoral College. Throughout the seeds, Trump sent several tweets, one calling on Republicans to fight, look at it, in quotes, and others making false claims of voter fraud. This is an article.

How does the guy who's writing this article or girl say, making false claims? You have more proof than i do and the very matter of fact about that but everything else is allegedly exactly right he also criticized pence for certifying the results did i say that right i don't know i got this he was the best guy around. Talking about Trump. Some rioters chanted hang Mike Pence. A makeshift gallows was erected outside. Very well done. Be funny if you saw like Marjorie Taylor Greene. I don't even show she was involved. Her and her husband are out there with Black and Decatur

before she was a congresswoman. Anyways, Pence was spirited to safety by, spirited to safety, suck a bag of cockweed, by Secret Service agents. On Saturday at the Gridiron Dinner, and by the way, this has all been disproven January 6th through Tucker Carlson releasing shit, and you've seen it. The

shaman being helped. Nobody tried to stop him. Didn't do anything wrong. Actually said a prayer for the cause. On Saturday at the Gridiron dinner. Gridiron dinner? Oh shit, I had tickets. Pence told journalists and their guests, President Trump was wrong. I had no right to overturn the election. I don't know. And his reckless words endangered my family and everyone at the Capitol that day. You fucking pussy. You're still going to say that even after we've had footage?

Even after nobody's been charged with insurrection? Insurrection? A so-called insurrection? Not one charge for insurrection. Just let that sink in for a second, you fucking pussy. John Adams, if he was vice president, he would have been out there on a musket shooting at these weasels. And I know that history will hold Donald Trump accountable. Yeah, he's one of the greatest presidents ever.

Fuck, and you make Kamala Harris look productive. You dink. Who gives a fuck what you think? Pence is now considering a run for the Republican nomination in 2024 against Trump. The clear leader in polling is Donald Trump. Let me tell you, Pence. You're a loser.

You'll always be a loser. Hey, take it easy. Hey, this was kind of funny. I don't know if there's enough meat on it to do a story, but Russians get it right. Take a look at this picture. They have some type of dementia care facilities in Russia. They're using Biden on their post.

The area is seen hugging a 14-year-old girl. Thinking it, yeah, sniffing her fucking right, her fucking right temple. Herbal essence. He thinks that's his wife. Somebody said, that's Jill. How funny is that? And I said to Dallas, well, if Biden had any balls, he'd make a poster of Putin, you know,

and, you know, a cancer care. Jude's, St. Jude's. Have that little kid in the wheelchair, you know, with the Jay Leno face. Jude's have that little kid in the wheelchair you know the Jay Leno face kid's like 48 now last commercial they show him driving a van he's in college and shit, returning punts even with those legs

why am I so mean put this $12 a month people like you can help people like me with Jay Leno face I kid people like you can help people like me with Jay Leno face. I kid. We love the kid.

Those commercials made me and my producer laugh when I had the radio show at Sirius. Me and my buddy used to cry because we'd say mean shit. Anyways, in the past couple of days around Moscow, that poster has been showing up. It's a dementia care facility featuring jerk off Biden as the person requiring care. I didn't know he had a sense of humor over there. Everybody knows between state TV, listen to this, I don't know who wrote this, and propaganda bullshit, I would imagine around half of Russia sees President Biden in an active dementia situation. Yeah. Yeah. Duh. What are we doing? What's going on right now? Oh, you're doing a poo-poo, Joe, but you're standing up behind the... Putin taking him serious? I doubt it. Whoever wrote that. Exactly. Ryan Fournier. That's exactly

right. I thought that was kind of funny. You don't see the slapstick shit out of Russia that often. Maybe in World War I they get a little nutty. Dallas went to the World War I Museum. I couldn't. I was ‑‑ I couldn't wander away from a toilet more than three feet. And you know what, Dallas? I was going to fucking go with you. I was kind of bored, you know? And I woke up. I thought I was giving birth to triplets.

We both ate sushi. Then I figured it out. And I want to thank Ron and Tiara. I think they watched the show. I know they listened. They brought me delicious barbecue. Casey's known for their barbecue. They were giving me cigarettes during the show.

Was she the one that had the decade pack? Guys over here, it's decade cigarettes. She handed it to me. I go, it shaves decades off your life. Big laugh, folks. You should have been there. The barbecue was delicious, and they couldn't have been nicer.

Matter of fact, I'm going to try to find your address and send you guys something. Have you ever had a McMuffin? I'll put it right in the mail today. Oh, delicious. Anyways, thank you, guys. Let's move on to my girl, who I'm actually, she kind of turns me on. And I know she looks a little like Jack Lambert or any good past rusher that's white. Marjorie Taylor Greene, you know, she'd be nuts in bed. She'd throw you out like a ragdoll. Marjorie Taylor Greene, get this. This

is the headline. Not Fonda, F-O-N-D-A. Not Fonda. Jane. What do you mean? That was hilarious. That was a, that was a, that deserved one of these. What the fuck? Welcome to the Wacky Zoo Show. That's Dale, my crazy sidekick, and I'm Flippity. Whatever. Anyways, unapologetically pro-life politician here. This is her tweet. Who was the pass rusher for the Steelers? Blonde guy, long hair. Come on, Dallas. For years. No, you were probably a kid. Fucking still leads like in sack. He was white. Brian, what the fuck was his name? No, something green. I forget his first name. Brian Green? the fuck was his name? No, something green. I forget his first name. Brian Green?

Something green. Killer. Sort of look like that. I mean, she's prettier. I'm not saying I want a fucking defensive end for the Steelers. Not yet. Unapologetic pro-life politician here. This is her tweet. I routinely get death threats

because of the nasty women on The View and the things they say about me, which is true. I want to run into Joy Behar. I made her look like an asshole on her CNN show. She never had me back. But calling for us to be assassinated makes The View, the host, the producers, the network, the advertisers, and everyone involved responsible for death threats, attacks, and potential

murders of pro-life politicians and activists. I am reporting this, she said. So Jane Fonda, because she's still trying to stay relevant in 96, that's got to be a wig, right? It looks like it. Yeah. Although she, for an old lady, I mean, she's had a ton of work and good work.

She was almost fuckable about 18 years ago. Yeah, it's still throwing. Who am I kidding? But I'd punch her right in the face right after. Get out of my house. That's right. She'd have to come to my house. By the way, at Jay Fonda, this is what Marjorie Taylor Greene wrote. Your eggs are dried up so you don't have to worry about getting pregnant anytime soon so you can retire from demanding baby murder now. So she was on the view that talking about abortion and, you know, how we're going back. Well, women going to have to have just more fucking propaganda. Women, you know, we're not going back.

We're not going to go back to the days where you have to go to an alley and shut the fuck up. You can go to any state almost still. All right. So listen to what she says. It pisses everybody. It is true. We're not going to do it. Besides, besides watching and protesting, what else do you suggest? Look at all that pussy. Well, it doesn't happen overnight. It's not a miraculous. What did you say? Murder. She's kidding. Wait a second. She's just kidding. Don't say't say that Oh you don't know They'll pick up on that Yeah that's the worst She's just kidding

Oh god Uh oh Retard alert Retard alert Oh you don't know They'll pick up on that First of all Like they shouldn't

Like if it was The other way around And somebody on the right Said let's start Fucking killing these Pro choice douchebags What Is she retarded other way around and somebody on the right said let's start fucking killing these pro-choice douchebags what is she retarded naughty i'm talking about joy and the rest of them you know you sent women back about 40 years with the show you realize that that goes for your dumb audience

too but can you imagine if she said murder the pro-lifers and lily tomlin who's like she's like 90 still hanging in there. She was really funny. I'm glad she caught it and said, what did you say? She was trying to get her in trouble.

Fucking Saigon Jane. She's a little whore and a little piece of trash. God damn right she is. But yeah, and you hear Joy Behar backpedaling? Like the fucking, we heard it. I don't know how I feel about abortion. Other than, they're fun to watch. I look them up on YouTube. Guy's

got a dirt vac plugged into his tank. Sam, when he cleans his fish tank with it. Get in there nice. Get in there nice. But can we take the view off the air now? Going on, what, 30 years? You know that fucking Bayhauer makes multi-millions dollars a year doing that piece of shit show. How the fuck, what did I do wrong? Oh, that's right.

Alpha male with a strong point of view. White Christian. I'm sorry. Had the wrong country at the wrong time. Wow. I didn't give us enough stories. Did I? Do you want to rap more about the shows at KC?

Yeah. Well, real quick, I guess. They were great shows. I want to thank the people that came out. Second show was really good on, first show on Saturday, I worked at a very slow pace. It was great. You know why? Because they didn't yell shit out. They sat politely like people in the Midwest do. And I got to actually create shit and say stuff. Like, I actually asked this question, and I said, is it wrong

to prop your iPad up with a Bible when you jerk it off at the hotel? Even Dallas has a nervous laugh. No, I was laughing my ass off when you said it. Oh, I know you were. Get out of my room, you sick cunt. Hey! Anyways,

yeah, so I got a bunch of, I wrote down a bunch of, my favorite new thing is about the stinky bathroom, about the girl coming out of the bathroom. I always talk airplanes. You hate to go in there, the business guy's coming out with, you know, fucking 80-year-old guy with a suit on. You're like, oh God, this is going to be, and the bit is about, you know, and I know the premise isn't that original, but I didn't know women pooped until I was like 33. Every girl I dated for years, they would hide it, they would hold it.

It was fucking amazing. Amazing. Until I said I was on a flight, and I had to use that restroom, and a cute little petite girl goes in. You guys heard this at the show this weekend, but she must have weighed 105 pounds. Cute. So I'm like, that'll be safe.

She's probably going to do a tinkle. I hear this boom in there. No. So anyways, five minutes go by. She opens the door. I get hit with a heat wave of mustard gas. And I said, it was like, I was trying to describe to the crowd, it was like I said, it's like Andre the Giant was coming out of there.

He just went to Oktoberfest, had four bowls of cabbage. And he had stomach cancer. That's the kind of smell. I was just looking at it. I go, that little nectarine ass the devil climbed out of that? And that's how I found out women pooped. That's right. I was 48.

And it's like finding out Santa Claus isn't real. Very disappointing. I didn't know you girls pooped. Of course I did. I did that thing on Pam Anderson on the roast. Remember? I said, her ass is so nice, if she had dysentery, I'd follow her around with a waffle cone for a week. Try topping that for a shit joke. Anyways, let's go on to the next story.

White guilt on display. Ladies and gentlemen, white guilt on display. I don't even know where this was. It's a college campus somewhere. She works for, you know what, TPUSA, Charlie Kirk's thing. And she's the good, and this, the girl, the Asian girl with the mic, she's on our side. And this is to demonstrate how poor white guys have been so beaten to submission by the media over the years. They're just guilty about being white guys. And it's such a sad commentary.

But I thought that we should, first of all, count the number of times the guy says like. Isn't it? It's usually a college girl. And that's really, that's a sign you're not that bright. You've got to stop doing that. Because like, you look like an idiot, right? Like Dale?

Let's listen to this poor kid. And it's not his fault. I said it to a young kid in the crowd in KC. I go, dude, remember that smiley? He had a hoodie with this smiley emoji. And I said, you're wearing that ironically, right? You're not fucking going to get snatched with that? I said, get the one with the poop. Get the poop, one or the black kid, and put the cop behind him. I always do that when I send texts. Nobody laughs, even my friends. I always send, you know, that little black kid, the emoji? I send like 10 of them, and I have like 40

cops behind. Some of my friends laugh. I won't tell you who. But anyways, listen to this kid and what the media, how he's been mind-fucked. This girl's like, why are you so guilty about... Anyways, go ahead.

I grew up as a white man. Pause. Pause right there. That's where we are. That he feels he has to tell her. And he does. Because he could go, I grew up as a white man, but I identify as a 71-year-old Chinese woman. Seriously, that's where the poor kids are at. And what's Muffinhead doing there in the middle?

Is he hanging out with a white kid? Go ahead. Act opposite, you know, and so it's like my experiences are going to be different from yours. How come? I think, you know, there's a thing of like white privilege. What privileges do you have that I don't have? Oh, see, that's the question I keep asking myself. Because like in this day and age, like all the laws, I say all the laws the laws you know it's hard to speak on something i'm not fully knowledgeable of so like i'm sorry if i like

make a mistake uh and saying this but it's like you're not fully knowledgeable i'm being a white male what are you talking about most people watching this would assume that she's the bad guy in this because that's all you see she said what what privileges you know they do you have that i don't have she's that's coming out of a minority female and it's proof okay and the poor kid is just mind fuck go ahead like uh don't you think it's a problem in society when white people think that they have more privileges than brown or black people? Yeah, and I think that's sort of the agenda that's pushed off because. She could have worded that better.

Now, she almost sounded like the on the other side there. Don't you think it's a problem? Instead of saying, don't you think it's a problem when you feel guilty or you assume you have more rights? She could have worded it better. She almost sounded like she was agreeing with him, but go ahead. It's like, not that I think I'm more privileged than anyone else because I had to work to get where I was.

And that's like... So why do you have that mentality immediately where you kind of apologize to me? Like, let's talk about privilege. Let's talk about I'm a white man in America, so we could have grown up differently. Why is that your first initial reaction to me as a brown woman? Wow, you're getting me good.

See, these are the kind of conversations that I love having. Apparently not, because you're getting smoked. I don't think you've ever had this conversation. Even your buddy there, the fucking, the... The background actor? No, the shave brush. The shaving brush. Is she brown? She, the shave brush. The shaving brush. Is she brown?

She looks yellow to me. Anyways, I don't want to get technical. Go ahead. And I think it comes from a place of like. Like? Like? I wouldn't say caution. But like in this day and age, people are so quick to judge and react and cancel.

And so I guess it's that that like caution to go into an interview like this i'm like i don't know where we're at but now i know where we're at and i can like uh go for real well we're waiting why so serious but he was right there. You know? What he was trying to say is I have to walk on eggshells because most people that would come up to me and ask me questions like this, it would be to portray me in a negative light as a white male

and why do you have more entitlement? You know? What makes you better than... But he was so dumbfounded, somebody threw a curve. Charlie Kirk. What's his fucking thing called? Something. Story?

No, his organization. He does something USA. Fucking Turning Point. Thank you. TP. Toilet Paper USA. But he does, he's doing god's work you know and he's the one you ever watch him he'll go to a college campus and we showed him about a month

ago remember surrounded by people and he's like he was holding what was he saying he's yelling shit out i don't know but it's very pro white and um he does god but but it really is true. Even kids like that college-age kid at my show this weekend, you know, shit that would, I'm doing material that he should be fucking relieved and thanking me because I'm defending him, but he's so anesthetized to this message, and he was just sitting there in a daze, not feeling. It's unbelievable to watch what the media has done to a whole generation. But I'm going to say this and go on a record,

and I haven't said it in a long time. We might be at, and again, no pun intended because of what we just showed, but we might be at a turning point. A little bit. People keep asking me if I watch Chris Rock. No. I'm going to because I like Chris. I've worked for him for years.

Consider him a friend. But I don't rush to, you know, because I know. Look, he's got leeway to say anything, okay? I want to know what he made. I'm going to text him. Because that was streaming. Do you know what that means, folks? People paid, right? I did a streaming one when I was in Vegas.

And that means people out there in the world, the Internet's open to the world, whoever liked Chris Rock, I want to know. God damn it, I'm calling him today he won't answer me but Jesus Christ Alice let's put it this way got more money than Pablo Escobar's ex-wife Sharon Escobar that's all I got anyways that's it for today, ladies and gentlemen. Don't forget Cameo.com if you want me to roast a friend or relative or say congratulate your youngest sister, Patty, on the new tits. I can do that, too. You guys think that I'll say it?

You're very welcome. We'll see you back here tomorrow at the same bat time. Take care, kids. Hi. Good care, kids. Hi. Good night, everybody. I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free

I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free guitar solo Outro Music