The Nick DiPaolo Show - Putin Biden's Spokesman? | Nick Di Paolo Show #676

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

Iran rockets Irbil/US base. Russia go-between with Iran. Museum stabber in NYC. Mom pops out eye. Smollett family full of it. Biden/Pelosi at it again.

I am so sick and tired of the liberal agenda that is destroying our country from our schools to our workplaces to our media. It's literally everywhere. Well, everywhere maybe, but not this show. Never. Here you get the truth, unfiltered and unapologetic. I don't care if I hurt feelings or if I take a position that isn't agreeable or if I step on somebody's toes. I call them the way I see them and I put it out there for free. To keep this show free, I need your help. Please go to nickdip.com and make a contribution or even better, subscribe at thecomicsgym.com or on Patreon today and get

an extra encore show each day. Discounts on merchandise and a whole lot more. Thank you guys so much for watching, sharing, and contributing to the best show, in my opinion, on the Internet and the most honest. You guys make it happen. Hey, as you know, Tom Brady came back, and I'm going to show you a clip of me when I heard the news. I ended up breaking something in our house, but here it goes. That's me. 8 years old, running with a dime in my hand

Bus stop to pick up a paper for my old man Sat on his lap as he touched my balls, stared as he drove through town. How are you, folks? Welcome to the Stupid Show on a stupid fucking Monday. I'm tired of life. That's it. Good night, everybody. How you doing?

Good weekend, everybody. I hope you had a great weekend. And I think I made a good purchase. I got a three-bedroom condo in Kiev, right on the fucking water. Open floor plan. Open floor plan, exactly. Aye, aye, aye. I mean, what is fucking going on? Aye, aye, aye, aye.

I'll get to that in a second. What I do over the weekend, worked out here. I made, we have an extra room here, and it only dawned on me after two years to put my weights and stuff. It's only a nine-minute ride from my house. I was over here Saturday working out. I think you can tell my tits are huge. Good night.

Made fish tacos. I'm one of these guys who pretends to eat healthy. Oh, I'll make fish tacos. I'm one of these guys who pretends to eat healthy. Oh, I'll make fish tacos. You know, I get it like a Bobby Flay recipe and it's got nine sauces on it and you're better off fucking eating lard.

They were so good on soft taco. Oh, my God. Folks, I cook like a bitch. Maybe we'll do another. Hey, have we got any requests for Nick's Bitchin' Kitchen? Next time, I'll do the pizza, yeah? Just do it anyway.

Huh? Just do it anyway. Do it anyways. Sure. Do the pizza one. Because when you make pizza, I'll knead the dough, and then you have to let it rise for like an hour or so. When we come back, I'll show you what I did for that hour.

It'll be something gross and immature, and I'll be divorced. Anyways, the cold opened. Yeah, that was me getting excited when the goat decided to come back. There's his tweet. Blow that up. There you go. The past two months, I've realized my place is still on the field and not in the kitchen of the house with my wife and kids

Geez, I know everybody made that joke, but Jesus cage Christ You know people like yeah, but she's a supermodel and Tom's like look if you ate lobster every night you get sick of it You know I'm saying and the kids what the fuck Yeah, so the goat is back and I was talking about this. I agree because he didn't make a big – I had one ear open the whole time. Not saying I knew, but he didn't make a big stink about it. You know what I mean? He was kind of quiet about how he did it and stuff, so I don't know. And, you know, somebody said, well, it's all ego.

And I said, it's not ego. When you're a guy that competitive, nobody's more competitive than this guy. And you're not going to quit after having a great season, by the way. One of his best seasons ever last year. So you're not going to quit while you're still playing good. Most guys go out on their sword. They stay too long. And I think that's an admirable thing to do. Like with Willie Mays, he looked horrible at the end of his career. But that's what they do for a living. Boxes stay too long.

Larry, you know, they're old. They get the shit kicked out of them. But that's what they do. That's what I said. I said it's not ego. He loves what he does for a living. And he had a great – the only way he's going to retire is when he starts to stink it up or somebody – you know, he gets a crippling injury.

At this point, he could be slipping in the tub. He's the only quarterback in the NFL, started quarterback with an acorn stairlift at his house. It's fucking 90. But anyways, I thought it was, I'm excited. And I don't have any reason not to drive to Tampa. It's about four and a half miles from here. Catch a couple games. Well, I do have

a reason. Pizza oven and beer on the weekend. That's about it. What is it? 19 years tomorrow. I've been married for 19 years tomorrow. 19 years. Dated her for nine years before that.

28 years. I'm going to do what we do every anniversary. I take her to Fuddruckers. Sneak in our own beer. It's terrific. Quick hand job behind a dumpster. I've been trying to get, I've been bugging my wife about anal for a couple years now. And she won't do it.

I go, why? She goes, she's afraid it's going to hurt too much. I said, well, just grease up my ass all nice. There's the first joke to my new act, folks. I haven't written a joke in years, and I'm, anyways, let's get on with the show. You guys are going to laugh at me when, hopefully, in Dallas in about, what, 10 days or whatever the fuck? Get on a plane again. I'd rather be going to Kiev.

Anyways, Tom Brady, good luck. And I forgot to play this. I am like God and God like me. I am as large as God. He is as small as Doug Flutie. He cannot above me nor I. Throw a pass against him. Boom!

Salacious. Bill Parcells. Century. 1998. Man. All right, shut up. I rate Iran. This was the story to me Hit it. Hit it.

Thank you so much, boys and girls. That was the best of female circumcisions by Bobby and Sissy. That was Colin Quinn's... Every time he'd get a cab, he said, that's what it's best of female circumcisions. Anyhow, multiple rockets. I thought this was the big story that kind of glossed over this weekend. Again, I'm not going to cover too much of the war, folks, because like I said, everything's refuted the next day.

98% propaganda. Multiple rockets have smashed into a U.S. Army base and a Kurdish news channel office in Erbil, essence, Erbil. I say Erbil like the fucking, like the shampoo. Dallas knows because he's been there a hundred times. So he knows Erbil, and he's got buddies over there still. At least a dozen Iranian-produced ballistic missiles hit the city in the early hours of Sunday. They were probably aiming for Kiev since they have fucking Iranian missiles, Governor Omed

Koshna confirmed. There he is with his Clouseau mustache. The bums. He said it was not clear whether the excuse me, whether the god damn it, it has nothing to do with smoking. Fucking A.

What a puss. I had maybe three cigarettes this weekend. He said it was not clear whether the missiles were targeting the American consulate at the site or the airport. That's what I said. You don't know where they're going to land. They have no idea. They're still using shit we sold them in 1988. Or the airport in the city. But check, here's to land. They have no idea. Still using shit we sold them in 1988. Or the airport

in the city. But check, here's some video. What a creepy time. Go ahead. Allahumma salli ala sayyidina Muhammad. Listen to these sand monkeys. God is great. Where is Erbil? Erbil's in northern

Iraq in the Kurdish area. So they were trying to hit our consulate, right? Is that what he said? Isn't that a big story? Yeah. Since fucking Iran and China and Russia are sucking each other's dicks this weekend. God damn it. Oh, shut it.

Watch, we got another footage. Yeah, it's amazing. Watch these. You can see him incoming. Watch the sky. Jesus. Nice. Trying to watch the game.

That one, they said, hit a 14-year-old kid. Just knock the wind out of him. Folks. That one, they said, hit a 14-year-old kid, just knocked the wind out of him. Folks, do you understand Colbert couldn't carry my joke book, that fucking faggot? Anyways, what's that got to do with it, yo? Kurdish and U.S. officials confirmed that there were no casualties in what they're calling an outrageous attack, adding that no group has immediately claimed responsibility for the strike. You know, too embarrassed. U.S. Marine General Frank McKenzie, he's a good one, had warned about attacks in the

area back in December when he told the AP that while American forces in Iraq switched to a non-combat role last year, Iran and its proxies still want American troops to leave the goddamn country. That's English. Why don't we get out? Let's get the fuck out of here. I've been saying this for 100 years, not too many times on this show. Bring everybody the fuck home from Germany, Korea, all over the planet.

Bring everybody home, right? And then issue the world a warning. Any American gets one hair on their head must up, we will fucking turn the rest of this planet into a parking lot. We're going to mind our own business. We'll do business with you. Other than that, fuck the fuck off. Anybody tries any shit, Trump would be perfect for that. But no, he'd get fucking Mr. Magoo. As a result, McKenzie said that may trigger more attacks on American bases. No further details were immediately available,

but videos posted online appeared to show several Iranian-produced ballistic missiles hitting the base in Erbil. Iraqi Shiite Muslim cleric Motaka El-Sad said on Twitter, Erbil

is under fire if Kurds were not Iraqis. Yeah, whatever. If Kurds were not Iraqis. Get the fucking burnt funyun off your head. The attack came during a pause in Vienna over Tehran's tattered nuclear deal following Russia's invasion of Ukraine. The United States base at Erbil International Airport

was previously hit by a rocket attack in September, knocking over two Starbucks cups, large latte, on the 20th anniversary of 9-11 terror attacks in the United States. Durka, Durka, Muhammad Jihad. Haka Sherpa Sherpa. It is the second drone attack on the airport in as many months. The Internal Security Service for the Autonomous Region, of which Erbil is the capital, initially said at the time that three rockets had hit near the airport.

A second statement by the Kurdish counterterrorism force said the attack had been carried out by explosive-laden drones. The airport in Erbil, the capital of the autonomous Kurdish region, has come under attack several times in the past few years, including by drones and carrying explosives. The last time ballistic missiles were directed at U.S. forces was in January 2020, an Iranian retaliation for the U.S. killing earlier that month of its military commander, Qasem Soleimani, at

Baghdad Airport. That's the guy that Trump whacked, remember? We actually had footage of it. And here's what's weird. There was an article today, or this weekend, about a woman, a guy picks up a woman on a dating app, I think he's American, picks up a woman, Iranian woman, she stabs him to death on the date and then they ask her why. She said it was retaliation for this, to give you an idea, okay? And we got our kids over here

going, oh, don't misgender anybody. Don't say black. Trans people are good. You're bad. That's what we're worried about. So wake the fuck up. Get a nice kitchen knife and stay off the apps. No USNL personnel were killed in 2020 attack,

but many suffered head injuries. I'm guessing Biden was there. That's his excuse. One more story, again, related to what's going on right now as we sit on the brink of nuclear disaster. This is all the shit they said Trump, it was going to happen if Trump, when he became president. All of it. You fucking people.

If you're voting Democrat now, seriously, I used to never put politics, get away from me. You hate this fucking country. You hate yourself. You're, I don't know, you like Barbra Streisand. Russia is acting as a go-between for the United States in nuclear talks with Iran. I'll report that Russia is acting as a go-between between us, those, us three talking about notes, we're having

Putin. Biden is having Putin speak for us. I'm not reading that wrong, am I? I had to pinch myself. I did it a lot. It felt good. No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. Yeah, Biden is ignorant. Russia continues to direct the nuclear talks

with America's approval while its army simultaneously turns Ukraine's cities into rubble mercilessly and killing civilians and creating the largest refugee crisis since WWII. How to lead, Joe? How to lead? In response, the U.S. and Europe have sanctioned Russia's economy and Putin's cronies, the West is also supplying weapons to Ukraine and helping to care for more than 2 million refugees. But shouldn't America also, excuse me, serve their relationship with Putin in the Iran talks? After all, since we don't trust him and Ukraine, by the way, this is my good one, great article, and want to isolate him, why should we trust him on whether Iran gets nuclear weapons? I can't even believe that's what...

That's a sick question. You're a sick fuck, and I'm not that sick that I'm going to answer it. No, that was Putin. Perfect English. They say he might have roid rage. That's what they're saying. Not because of lift of weights and shit, but he's sick and he's taking steroids. I'm taking Testar. You don't see me blowing up any countries. Yet. I might start with this time we do the show and it stinks like a fucking... Doesn't it? It's like a cat's asshole after a fucking night of egg salad.

Anyhow, it always defied any meaning Mike Goodwin I think it is by the way He used to write for the New York Times He jumped to the post like 20 something years ago And he's tremendous It always denied any meaning of common sense For Biden to believe Putin cares about safeguarding

America and our allies Including Israel and the Gays Really in negotiations No kidding. Remember Obama with Romney? Hey, the 80s called. They want their foreign policy. He fucking marks a skunk.

Because of the Iran-Russian alliance developments last week now look inevitable. First came reports saying the nuke talks were complete and the deal could be signed any day, which set off jubilant boasts from the anti-American side. Of course it did. A video carried by RealClear Politics shows Russia's chief negotiator, Mikhail Uganov, praising his Iranian colleagues, saying they are fighting for their national interests like lions. They fight for every comma, every word, and as a rule, quite successfully, said the walrus. Somebody throw him a salmon. He added, I am absolutely sincere in this regard when I say that Iran got much more than it could expect. Of course it did. Putin's in there for the money. Our Chinese friends were also very efficient and useful as co-negotiators.

There you have it. The new axis of evil. Russian, China, and Iran working together on a nuclear pact. If that doesn't make the hair stand up on your bag. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. No, Will Robinson. Danger.

There was another twist, too, also involving the Russians. Days later, the talks hit a wall because Putin added a demand that a final nuke deal. Just what's at the core of the deal anyways, you know, Dallas? Since I've been 18, it's about we're going to get rid of them. You get proliferation or you get rid of this many, we'll get it. Doesn't matter. It takes four to fucking blow up the, it's the silliest. Are we supposed to buy this shit? And look at this short order

cook. Give me a fucking Mai Tai, you cocksucker. A wall because Putin added a demand that a final nuke deal exempt Russia's trade with Iran from sanctions the U.S. and Europe imposed over Ukraine. The initial White House response was that there is no linkage between the sanctions on Russia and the nuke talks.

Well, how can you say that when Putin's speaking for you? But that is unlikely to be the final word if the talks remain stalled. Regardless, the reality is that two tracks that were supposedly parallel and unrelated, the Ukraine war and sanctions on one and the Iran talks on the other, have suddenly merged. Yeah, because that's how the world works. Do you understand? Russia, communists. China, communists.

Jerk off. Whatever they are. I don't even know. Totalitarian, yeah. Theological fucking whatever. The deadlock would count as good news if the entire Iran deal is scuttled as a result, but the White House would still need to explain

this outrageous arrangement with Putin. Exactly. Shut up. Mind your fucking business and shut up. I will not. Here's Joe taking an eye test. I don't know. Was that a W or an 11?

I can't. He just got a call that Hunter was busted again with a fucking $3 crack. In terms of the broad facts, we know what they knew. He's talking about, this is good when talking about the journalists know what these guys knew, meaning the Biden administration and when they knew it. The use of Russia as a broker with Iran turns out to have been going on for many months. You didn't hear about it, did you, folks? And predates Putin's massing of troops on the Ukrainian border. But even after he started moving his military into position for the invasion,

Biden, fuck's thing that he is, still trusted Putin to deliver a verifiable deal that would keep Iran from getting nukes. What are we doing? What's going on right now? This is, I feel like this is a perfect shitstorm. You got this brain-dead U.S. president. Putin's losing his shit, right? And Iran's been evil since day fucking one.

It's fucking insane. They see him as a hollow husk. For example, last January 24th, this fucking article's longer than my left dangling. For example, last January 24th, this fucking article is longer than my left dangling. For example, last January 4th, NATO announced it was bracing for a possible Russian invasion, saying allies are putting forces on standby and sending additional ships and fighter jets to NATO deployments in Eastern Europe. As Russia continues its military buildup and around Ukraine. Denmark, Spain, and France,

all those fighting machines. Jesus, what are you going to say? Wooden shoes and fucking... And others began mobilizing troops, ships, and fighter jets. The Pentagon said 8,500 American troops were put on high alert for deployment abroad.

Yet that same week, Secretary of State... Jesus Christ, Nick, did you edit this one at all? The fuck? Yet the same same week Secretary of State, Jesus Christ Nick did you edit this one at all? The fuck? Yet the same week Secretary of State Tony Blinken, perfect name for a guy who blinks every time this is a showdown with another country. Tony you're blinking again! Tony Blinken urged Russia to move the nuclear talks forward. NBC News quoted Blinken saying that Russia shares our sense of urgency, the need to see if we can come back into mutual compliance in the weeks ahead, and we hope that Russia will use the influence that it has,

the relationship that it has with Iran to impress upon Iran that sense of urgency. He's telling you that we're using Putin to let the Iranians... This is urgent. Are you fucking... Yeah, Trump would let that happen. I can't take it no more. We really do have rank amateurs who hate

this country on top of it running this place. Let's go to a lighter story. Museum madness. I think I'd rather be in Erbil than New York City. The shit I read this weekend, I'm not even doing all of them. Woman, a white woman, looked like a young girl, slammed some 87-year-old woman on the sidewalk. She's in critical condition

with brain bleeding. What was the really fucking horrendous? There's a guy, you guys familiar with American Psycho? The book or the movie? Remember when the fucking, the lead in that movie was shooting homeless people? Remember? He just shot the homeless.

Some guy's going around shooting homeless people. They actually have it on video. I didn't talk about that one. I'll try to choose a lighter one. Police released horrifying video Sunday morning that shows a deranged man jumping over a desk and stabbing two workers at the Museum of Modern Art. For you people who didn't live in New York City, they call that mama in Manhattan a day earlier. The 60-year-old, you know what's creepy? I read that and I'm like, some old guy, that's me, fucking 60.

The 60-year-old suspected of stabbings was still on the loose as of the video's release. When's the last time you heard a story that I read like this? And they caught him immediately. The NYPD identified him as Gary Busey. That's him. Gary Cabana? Sounds like a porn name, doesn't it? Authorities said he was angry after his

membership was revoked. Wow, he takes his art very serious. Because of two previous incidents of disorderly conduct in recent days. The anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. Check. This is frightening.

There's two girls behind the counter. And by the way, the guy outside the counter, the security guard, watch how useful he is. I think he throws a computer. But watch. You're going to see two women get stabbed. Go ahead. Are you fucking kidding me? Here comes the security guy.

Look at this poor lady. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask a question, New York? Do you really have security guards in New York City that don't have weapons? Are you fucking dog-styling me? How is that possible? Because I remember one checking in, and I went to to an audition there was always somebody with a gun. They're not at CVS, they're not, not for me, I'm just saying it was actual security with a gun. My acting wasn't

quite that bad. When he showed up to see a film at, you know what's fucking, what's really funny about, look at Elton John when he was like 48, found out he liked the prick. When he showed up to see a film, you know what the film was? I can't believe you got this mad. Hope Floats. Love Actually.

At MoMA shortly on Saturday afternoon, he was denied entry and then stabbed the two workers in a rage at 4 p.m., sparking other visitors to scramble for the exits and panic. Pussies. The movie, Bringing Up Baby, what do you have, Stark in this? was set to be screened at 4.30 p.m.,

but cops didn't confirm what the stabber had come to see. What does it really fucking matter? Are you saying he knows nothing about these matters? To my knowledge, nothing. I'm going to find out what the hell happened here. All right, this committee is now adjourned. I remind you, Mr. Corleone, you're still in the... A 24-year-old woman was stabbed twice in the back and once in the neck,

while a 24-year-old man was stabbed once in the collarbone, police said. There were two girls back there. Both were victims were taken to the hospital, but their injuries were considered non-life-threatening. The museum had been temporarily closed Saturday, as police initially believed the attacker was still inside. Jesus Christ, the police suck. All due respect. But authorities later said he was caught on surveillance footage leaving the building. I just included that story because, like I said,

there was three other that were equally horrible, if not worse. And it just shows you what New York's turned... A guy gets stabbed waiting for the subway. I must have read six of them. And you know what? People are just anesthetized to it. It's just become a way of life.

Why you would live in that shithole right now is beyond me. You don't seem safe anywhere. But my job is there. Okay, this isn't 1985. Didn't you learn anything from COVID? Sit at home and do it. Oh, God. Let's lighten up the mood.

How'd you like this headline that I wrote? Did you dig this one? This is the headline, folks. I'm telling you, I could write for the Post. Popeye the Sailor Mom. A TikTok user has gone viral over her eye-popping childbirth experience.

Bethany Collins, 23, told her followers that she pushed so hard during labor that one of her eyes actually popped out. Popeye the sailor mom. Scooby-dooby-dooby-dooby. Oh, me eyes. Come up. Wow. But, boy, I'm on today.

But said it went back to, her eye went back to normal six weeks later. I don't know why this is a national story. This happens to me every time I eat cheese and sit on the toilet. One time both of them came out. There you go. Yeah. David Cross has a joke. Yes, he's a lib and a fucking lefty, but I still like him. He's a funny fuck. What did he say about, I think he has a lactose intolerance when he drinks milk. He goes, I'm in the bathroom. It sounds like a high school marching band warming up. You know. In a photograph she shared of herself at the hospital,

her left eye is seen bulging out of her head. How about me all weekend? I'm looking at her right eye going, that looks all right. Look at her left eye, folks, which would be to your right. Look at that poor thing hanging out. It popped out. What do you do? Is it like a cartoon? The string's on it?

And you just go, bing. My doctor said, wow, I've never seen. That's one thing you don't want to hear from your doctor. Wow, I've never seen that before. It'd be funny if the baby's foot came out of the eye hole. Holy shit. You don't want to hear that from your doctor. Jonathan Katz, great comedian.

Remember Dr. Katz on Comedy Central? He had a good line about, he goes, I was on the table. Here's something you don't want to hear when you're on the table waiting to be put under for surgery. You don't want to hear the doctor go, where's my lucky scalpel? My doctor said, wow, I've never seen this happen before, but now I have Miss Phoebe. I love this woman's attitude. The baby, I'd punch the baby in the face, go there. We're even. The new mom captioned her. She got Phoebe out of it.

I like that name, by the way. Listen up, Phoebe. During the strain of childbirth, women may experience bloodshot eyes, according to the website Baby Center. Pushing and straining raises your blood pressure, which can cause broken capillaries and red eyes. But don't worry, bloodshot eyes are generally harmless

and resolve within two weeks. But despite her more extreme eye episode, Colin's suffered no long-term effects. Meanwhile, fellow mothers shared their own experiences. Oh my God, my eyes bleed because I push so hard. I look so scary. Then another lady said, this is why I close my eyes. Boy, these are some dumb housewives. A third added, reason not to get pregnant. That was mine. Look at you sitting there with our legs open still. Let's get in there. Get that red beaver. How did I miss that? When I throw up, by the way, and I'm not the only one, I throw up violently. If you have

stomach muscles, it's even worse if you're a little in shape. When I'm fucking throwing up, I throw up so violently. By the end, I'm doing a handstand on the toilet. I always draw blood in my fucking eyes. It's like a violent, I don't like throwing up. All my sisters, my mother, everybody I know goes, I just go, my wife makes herself throw up. No fucking way. I'd blow a guy before I'd do that., my wife makes herself throw up. No fucking way. I'd blow a guy before I'd do that. Yeah, probably make you throw up. There are white niggers.

I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. In the Reverse the Races segment tonight, Jussie Smollett's sister, Akris Journey Smollett, is calling for, look how she spells Journey. I just hate this family. I hope you all die in a house fire, you fucking whitey-hating pieces of garbage. Is calling for Cook County

to hashtag free Jesse. By the way, the name should have been Jesse, but I'm sure the mother was illiterate. Following her brother's sentencing Thursday, telling her followers they should advocate for his release because of disparate... Listen to the simple-minded explanation.

This is how bad... She's a product, he's a product, as far as the media goes, on race the last 40 years. They actually have bought into they can do no wrong if they're black. They can't even perceive reality right anymore. They actually believe it. I don't question them from, they're fucking literally, you people in the media, you have fucking literally made something snap in their heads. They can't be at fault for anything.

They won't admit to it. They can't perceive it. She says he should be released because of disparate incarceration between black and white Americans. Do you understand what she's saying? Even if they believe he is guilty. Can you fucking imagine? Journey Smollett's call for Cook County

to hashtag Free Juss Jesse comes after her brother was sentenced to 150 days in jail for staging a fake hate crime against himself in January 2019. Listen to what stupid sister says. Black Americans are incarcerated in state prisons at nearly five times the rate of white Americans. Yeah, because they commit way more crimes. You guys are only 13% of the population. We're 66 or 68%. And you're responsible for over 75% of violent crimes.

Do you know how to do percentages? Journey? You shithead. The wheel in the sky keeps on turning. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. Look at this mama Luke. She wrote in her Instagram, what an ignorant bitch. Jussie is innocent.

And you don't have to believe in his innocence to believe he should be free. I think we got her saying that, right? Here it is. What folks says about this family, I does. I has told you and told you that you can always tell a lady by the way that she eat in front of folks like a bird. And I ain't aiming for you to go to Mr. John Wilkinson

and eat like a field hand and gobble like a hog. Very good. Well done, Journey. Why don't you end your journey? Get it? Your mother's your mother's asshole. You're lying.

And you're a piece of shit. Here ye, here ye. The coat's in session. The coat's in session now. Here come the judge. Here come the judge. On Thursday, Judge James Lynn, oh, it was a man,

sentenced Smollett to 150 days in jail. Now, I want you to think about if it was a white person and a white person said, I was jumped by three black guys. They poured Mountain Dew all over me. Raped me with Jerry Curl. And then they yelled, you know, fucking Biden country. Just think about that. Think about if a white guy did this. Do you think he'd get 150 days in jail or 150 years?

30 months of probation. 150 days, folks, I'll do it. That's five months, by the way. And he's in a psych ward. 30 months of probation, 150 days, folks, I'll do it. That's five months, by the way. And he's in a psych ward. 30 months of probation, restitution of $120,000, and a fine of $25,000. That's $145,000, Brad, although imagine if that's a white guy. That's all I'm saying. Can you imagine trying to frame black people?

Biden would have you shot. We have white people sitting in goddamn jail in D.C. for wandering around the Capitol Rotunda. And this black broad and this nitwit thinking, you know, the legal system's tilted for what? You're just a charlatan. This is what the judge said to him. I fucking love it. You're just a charlatan pretending to be a victim of a hate crime, Judge Lynn told Smollett during Thursday's sentencing, adding that the actor's very name has become an adverb for lying. Your performance on the witness stand, this can only be described as pure perjury, the judge added.

You committed hour upon hour of pure perjury. Oh, I love it. Look at his fucking face. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior. And I don't like you, jerk-off. Smollett is now a convicted

felon. I suck cock. Let's take a look. I love it. Here he is. I am innocent. I'm cock. Let's take a look. I love it. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. Here he is. I'm suicidal. I am innocent. And I am not suicidal. I'm innocent. If I did this, then it means that I stuck my fist in the fears of black Americans in

this country for over 400 years. And the fears... Pause. You hear all this? Goes back to slavery. This guy is a parody of a black... Black people hate this guy. Who have their marble straight.

Don't get me wrong. The Al Sharptons of the world would, you know, they'll back him. I think they'll. You can Google. Google right after it happened. Google and watch MSNBC, CNN, Robin Roberts interviewing him on Good Morning America. Beautiful, Jesse. Beautiful.

They sucked his ass. They wanted it to believe it was true. So fucking bad. Go ahead. Your honor, I respect you and I respect the jury. But I did not do this. And I am not suicidal. And if anything happens to me when I go in there, I did not do it to myself.

And you must all know that. I respect you, your honor. I respect your decision. Jail time? I am not suicidal. Okay. Mr. Uche, let me inquire. Are there any...

Masks. ...emotions you care to present? What a cunt. Look at all the shitheads wearing masks. What? We are. There you go. Nice black power sign.

He's just a hateful you know what bye bye dickhead why put him in a psych put him in fucking general population let him get his ass open like a ripe honeydew you just like it

yeah that's true actually that's true what am I saying why reward the guy with good sex put me in there now that I think of it. Finally tonight, excuse me.

Finally, more Biden bullshit. President Biden and House Speaker Nancy, the, oh God, the rotten Jaguar Pelosi, both pushed back this week on assessments that spending by Democrats, when they say push back, it means lying. They come right out, look in the camera as, they are cold stone killers. They just lying to you. They push back against the assessment that spending by Democrats was causing the country's skyrocketing inflation. And who the fuck doesn't believe that?

I'm sick of this stuff Biden said at a Democrat retreat in Philly. Just turned with his hands to suggest he had had it up to here. Let's take a look. I'm sick of this stuff we have to talk about it because the american people think the reason for inflation is government spending more money simply not true can you fucking imagine him having the balls to say that simply not not true. It's as amazing as me forgetting to do the sound drops for this story. Quiet. Quiet like a bitch. It is simply not...

Do you understand how insulting it is to people's intelligence? We all know inflation was going up before the fucking war started. Everybody knows that. Hey, can I ask you a question? Has he done anything right, including lying?

Has he done anything right since he stole the election? Experts say Biden's $1.9 trillion American rescue plan, along with, it's like being rescued by Gilligan, along with problems caused by the coronavirus pandemic, including supply chain issues, rising demand, and a smaller number of employees having returned to work, asking for better pay, and low-interest races helping hike prices. That's according to the Wall Street Journal,

so I'll give them half credit on that. But this schmuck, do you know what the gas, you know, it's going through, that's just a tax on you. Pelosi's out there going, we're lowering the debt. That's what she's saying. We're lowering the debt. At whose expense?

This isn't just a, think of it as a huge tax on you guys, on us. They really deserve to be fucking hung by a lamp pole. I know the guy to do it, Jussie Smollett. He can tie a rope like. Anyways, that's it. Good Monday show.

The coffee was terrific. Tom Brady be back, whatnot. Watch hockey, by the way. Can I just tell you, you guys want to see a sport? Seriously, if you like. I can't believe soccer. I've said this a million times. My fans are sick of it.

I can't believe people who love soccer. If the NHL is smart, they'll tap into that worldwide audience because it's very similar. You know what I'm saying? Only hockey is 40 times more exciting. They don't spend fucking three hours in the neutral zone. There's actual fist fighting going on every once in a while. And even after they fist fight, they talk and laugh with each other.

I'd like to see brothers do that in the NBA. I'm watching the Bruins the other night. They went nine minutes without a whistle. Is there any other sport that you can tell me? Nine minutes without a whistle. I'm talking a sport you go up and down. Not baseball. It's nine minutes between pitches.

Anyways, watch the playoffs. They're coming up. It's a fascinating sport. If I could do it again. I'm the perfect size. 5'9", 220. I'd be a fucking great hockey player. But no, I'm 78 years old.

Did I pop something? That's it. Don't forget to sign up at thecomicsgym.com thecomicsgym.com thecomicsgym.com Don't forget to sign up at patreon.com Become a monthly member. Fuck this once in a while shit.

Okay? This is the most honest show on the internet. You guys have been telling me that. Forever. uh what else we got we got nickdip.com click on my tour date button to see if i'm coming to a town near you and don't forget cameo.com did one for a marine getting married he's german he's marrying a mexican girl and i said the last time I went to a wedding the groom was white and the bride was Hispanic. She stabbed him while cutting the cake. What?

What? What? Quite like a bitch. Oh. Cameo.com if you want me to roast one of your friends or relatives. That is it.

You guys think it, I will say it. You're very welcome. See you back here tomorrow for one of your friends or relatives. That is it. You guys think it, I will say it. You're very welcome. See you back here tomorrow for the second day of the week. Take care. ប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប្រូវាប់ពីប� guitar solo Outro Music