The Nick DiPaolo Show - Putin Has Biden Over a Barrel | Nick Di Paolo Show #673

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

Biden cancels Russian oil. Russian commander captured speaks. Kamala giddy about e-busses. DeSantis recommends against. More voter fraud. Porn problems.

I am so sick and tired of the liberal agenda that is destroying our country from our schools to our workplaces to our media. It's literally everywhere. Well, everywhere maybe, but not this show. Never. Here you get the truth, unfiltered and unapologetic. I don't care if I hurt feelings or if I take a position that isn't agreeable or if I step on somebody's toes. I call them the way I see them and I put it out there for free. To keep this show free, I need your help. Please go to nickdip.com and make a contribution or even better, subscribe at thecomicsgym.com or on Patreon today and get

an extra encore show each day. Discounts on merchandise and a whole lot more. Thank you guys so much for watching, sharing, and contributing to the best show, in my opinion, on the internet and the most honest. You guys make it happen. ...Baptiste with one. Heaves it for the win. No! Chattanooga with a game winning shot in overtime.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. linked it in front of the court, launching a long game-winning three-pointer over three defenders to lift Chattanooga to a 64-63 overtime win over Furman in the South Conference championship game. And that puts him in the NCAA tournament. How fucking great was that? That's all I wanted to say, folks. Let's get to the show. guitar solo Hello. Oh, yeah.

Welcome to the show on a Tuesday. How are you, folks? Fat guy in a little coat. how are you folks? Fat guy in a little coat. This coat, when I did the show News Radio, at the end of the show, I was wearing an Italian suit, wardrobe gave me, and I said to Rogan, he was in the wardrobe. I said, I want to keep this, just kidding around. Rogan goes, I don't give a fuck, take it. And I look at the wardrobe lady, and Joe looks at her and goes, I don't give a fuck, take it. And I look at the wardrobe lady and Joe looks at her and goes, he's going to take that. So I did. It's been to many, many weddings and garbage like that, you know. I haven't won in about 10 years, but look at this. I thought it'd be funnier if I look more like a news guy and I'm saying the word CJ and the couple, you know. Anyhow, oh, let me preface the show today by saying, okay, all the shit, when I say all, I mean everything you're watching,

whether you're watching CNN, Fox, CBS, NBC, it's all theater right now. You've seen how many stories that have come out where they had to refute that it wasn't true? I mean, that saying, I said it yesterday, the first casualty of war is the truth. I mean, especially today, like Dallas said, in the information age,

we're already, first of all, our own government partitions what they want us to hear and not hear, even before this shit. So just remember that. So much so that I didn't even want to do, I didn't want to talk about the war today because it's all, what we're getting is pure propaganda. In my opinion, the globalists handed whoever, all the players, Biden, he's just following the globalist script because they want to give us a new world order where we're like second to China. And, you know, Biden's doing his part.

And I really fucking believe that. I mean, Zelensky, you really think the Russian army couldn't have killed him by now? Let's think about that. I don't even believe him and I want to. It's too weird. Everything he says is getting through. You notice that? You know, I hate to be that cynical and shit, but I can't help it. If you read about all this shit, somebody has an agenda to set a new world order with a one world government. And we're watching it go down. And Putin playing his part.

You always need a villain in a movie and a good guy. I mean, this is making sense as I'm saying it even more. So I didn't even want to cover anything about the war. I had a clip in here that will show of a Russian soldier who got captured, and he was admitting that what they were doing wrong, and again, I'm watching that going, yeah. I think I heard the director go, and we're out at the end of the... We're losing life! So I don't know what... so I just wanted you to know where I'm coming from, and I'm not a fucking sucker.

My buddy Rich is like, we're going to be nuked. You know, Rich would, who's a good dude. He sends me some funny shit. But I'm like, dude, take it easy, will you? And I said, all this is, you know, and he realizes it now that just don't, it's hard to believe any of it. I don't care. Like I said, if you're watching Fox or CNN, they're getting what they can. But that doesn't mean, you know, it's not slanted this way or that way. Anywho, this is why it's a good show, folks. Breaking news.

Right before we came on, as I was coming to work, Biden was speaking, which is always hilarious, not for the same reason as when Trump speaks. Look at him. Just picture him in a coffin right there. Huh? Put the coffin behind him. There's a funny meme out there. My buddy

sent me. It's a couple having dinner, like candlelight dinner, and there's a gas station behind them. It says on the news, she wanted to go to someplace expensive. I thought it was kind of cute. Anyways, take everything with a grain of salt.

At least on this show I'm not coming out and pretending I'm a real news guy. I'm giving you shit that I read and that I put my opinion on it. I'm so jaded. And my buddy, the late Greg Zook, I mean, he was telling me this a year ago. I would go, come on.

It's too big of a script. Nobody, you know. But he kept telling me to go to this Rockefeller website. You can check off the steps. All this shit has been done before. It's been thought about forever. The dirty, filthy Chinese are playing the long game. We're just the new kids on the block being spanked.

I do think Putin, I think he's stuck in 1944 or some shit, right? I mean, he's a brilliant guy, but I think he wants to be Alexander the Great, whatever the, he really is fucking a little, you know what I mean, he's a brilliant guy, but I think he wants to be Alexander the Great, whatever the... He really is fucking a little... You know what I mean? But we have an agreement, and I heard a guy say this today. We have an agreement with Putin.

He said he wouldn't push the button unless we did. Okay, whatever you say. But somebody said that on the news. Really? Anyhow, let's get to shithead. I mean, I still rather hang with Putin than this fucking slovenly. At least Putin has... No, I'm not pro-Russia. I'm just saying. Who loves their country more? I think Gutfeld put it best when I was watching him last week saying it comes down to Ukraine

means more to who? Russia? Or NATO or whatever. It's such a good way of putting it. Right now I'm kind of thinking Putin. I think it means more to him. I don't understand

these international, you know, NATO sitting around. This is all about, and I don't blame Putin for this either. He doesn't want a NATO country that's allied with the United States on his goddamn doorstep. And neither would we.

Excuse me. God damn it. God damn it. I was watching. Excuse me. God damn it. Ah! Mother! I was watching... It's the necktie, folks. I was watching that guy, military guy Fox has all the time.

What's his fucking name? It's a famous military name. Not Patton, but the other guy. Douglas MacArthur. Not Douglas MacArthur. That's a famous one, right? Well, I think it's MacArthur, though, isn't it? Yeah, I think it is. Anyways, he was on a morning show on fire, and he was doing this. And he wouldn't even say, excuse me, or anything. Just a real soldier. And Stuart Varney's interviewing him. He's like this. This guy sounded like, he sounded like, you know, who getting choked on the Godfather, Luca Brasi.

Anywho, any he. So Joe Biden, big speech just before we went on the air here. Let's take a listen. He made a big move today. Today I'm announcing the United States is targeting the main artery of Russia's economy. We're banning all imports of Russian oil and gas and energy. That means Russian oil will no longer be acceptable at U.S. ports, and the American people will deal another powerful blow to Putin's war machine.

This is a move that has strong bipartisan support, the Congress and I believe in the country. Americas have rallied to support their Ukrainian people. Could he sound any less interested? Part of subsidizing Putin's war. You fucking dolt. I forgot to put the sound drops. What the fuck? I took the time to write them down for you.

Anyways, you're a stuttering prick, you know that? What are we doing? He almost sounds pissed about it. He almost sounds pissed about it. But now he's got a great excuse for inflation and high gas prices and, but this is purely political. He had to do this. I'm watching left-wing networks go, why are we still buying oil from Russia? We're financing their war effort, basically. You know what I mean? He had to say that. People on the left were thinking it. He had to come out and do this eventually.

Again, I'm so cynical, I can't even report on this shit. He probably called Putin and go, listen, we're going to shut you off for a while. Don't get nervous. It's what the three Jews are telling me up in the big room. Folks, I was kidding about that. I really think it's a Puerto Rican

and a Dominican and an Irish guy running the world. Ah! kidding about that. I really think it's a Puerto Rican, a Dominican, and an Irish guy running the world. What exactly leads you to believe the Soviets were involved? So he cut off so, yeah, finally. I'm guessing every poll said, what the fuck? Really? He put his finger up. It looked like he's

doing it reluctantly in his tone. Doesn't it? Or he had to shit. No, he does that right in his pants, Del. He doesn't have to get up to shit. I'm producing my own gas right here.

Energy. Pure. Natural energy. Yeah. I mean, you had to do that. It looked too obvious. But there's plenty of other. Yeah. So, you know what? Joe, since you're on a roll here, open Keystone again. Start drilling all over the place. This is very fixable. I can't believe I'm talking about this shit. I want to do dick jokes. Sorry, folks. You know what I mean? Have you filled up your fucking truck lately? It's like buying a ticket round trip to fucking Boston to L.A. on a plane.

Jesus H. California, they always lead. I don't know why. I'm sure there's an explanation. But they're at $7 and something, over $7 a gallon. And, hey, Europe has been paying those prices for years. You know what I mean? But we have a solution.

We don't have to. We're sitting on all kinds of natural gas, nuclear energy. I mean, what the fuck? We could be independent tomorrow. Again, that's how you know. Biden comes into office and does everything Trump did. So now we're not any, so you don't think that that fits into some new world order or shit?

Come on. That's all I'm saying, folks. Now come out and see me at Yuck Yucks in Buffalo. I'll be doing snatch jokes and juggling, shooting bottle rockets out of my ass on a unicycle. It's quite a show. Big announcement by Joe. He sounded pissed to me. And there are the sound drops. What are we doing? What the fuck is wrong with my... Okay, I promise here's the only other war

story today, because this guy actually sounded authentic, and I almost believe him, a Russian commander. Comrade, this may interest you. Russian commander captured by Ukraine condemns, I'll repeat, he's a Russian soldier, condemns Moscow's genocide

invasion, saying in a remarkable televised statement that the troops were duped, meaning Russian troops, into believing Kiev had been overthrown by Nazis and needed liberating. I, what Nazi? National Guard Lieutenant Colonel Asikov Dmitry Mikhailovich, who was captured along with two other soldiers, said he had been told they were being sent to help Ukraine, which I believe. What exactly leads you to believe the Soviets were involved? I don't know, Putin. Let's listen to this guy.

We were told this is a Ukraine territory dominated by fascist regime. Nationalists, Nazis have seized power. This is what they were told. You are in a tense situation going against your own commander. But this is a genocide. The people are just killed. We will go to jail or whatever. We deserve it. We're saying they We will go to jail or whatever. We deserve.

We're saying they deserve to go to jail. We're ready for everything. Except for a dentist. Shocking video shot of Captain... Okay, enough. Kill it. You didn't know I translated Russian, did you? I'm doing that for people who are just listening and not watching the show, but

you better hope you don't go back to Russia. Putin will pick up at the airport. Comrade. It brought a mission immediately. So he was told, the soldiers, he's saying they were told

by Putin that Nazis and fascists had taken over Ukraine. It is so fucked up, folks. I don't even believe Zelensky anymore. I just, I don't believe anybody. I'm going to start watching reruns of Full House on the Funny Boy Network.

Anyways, the colonel said his doubts were further confirmed when he found out that his favorite boxers, Ukrainians, Alenstair, Alenstair, I can't wait for this war to be over, Kevin O'Reilly and Vasily Lomenshko, planned to fight for the resistance, meaning Ukraine, because they're from Ukraine, and this Russian loved these two boxers. So that was enough for him.

You're going to heat lightning and you're going to crop thunder. The captain begged for mercy from Ukrainians and said he was ready to go to jail for taking part in the brutal offensive. He says, I feel shame that we came to this country. The colonel said, I don't know why we were doing it. We knew very little. We brought sorrow to this land. You are correct, sir. Telling reporters that he was speaking freely, the high-ranking officer apologized to the Ukrainian citizens who have come under direct fire by the invading forces. Of course,

they're killing kids. I saw some pictures today. I just read a story, some soldiers, they're bored. They're young guys, right? So they looted a bunch of liquor stores and shit, got all drunk. They get bored. And it says in the story, some kid, a Ukrainian kid, shot like a warning shot in the air with a pistol he found, which sounds set up to me. And so they started shooting indiscriminately at this house, killing a 10-year-old girl in the house. You know.

Comrade, here is something that might be of interest to you. A transcript of the conversation between your helicopter pilot and his commander. Come on, man. Intercept. Dragon, fly, wolf, dead. Colorful names. Salus has it, huh?

Here we are. We have them in sight. And they require abort the operation immediately. I just pictured the director going, more Russian, more Russian. Stallone's going, what the fuck? It's too much.

You're over the top, no? Oh, boy. Let's move on to my favorite politician that I could stab in the neck with a fucking needle and sleep like a baby tonight. Tone deaf twat. Well, who would that be? The empty pantsuit. The Biden administration said Monday it was awarding $2.2 billion, that's with a B,

in coronavirus relief money from the American Rescue Plan to 35 financially strapped transit agencies in 18 states. So we're on the cusp of a nuclear war, and this is what we're worried about. Oh, my sister's ass. The money would be used to prop up day-to-day operations, including staffing, payroll, as well as cleaning and sanitization to limit the spread of illness in public transportation. A federal mask mandate for public transit remains in effect. Can you imagine? Can you fucking imagine?

They're still wearing masks. In effect until at least March 18th no they're ignorant that's ignorant goddamn right another 1.5 billion in grants will be made available under president joe biden's infrastructure law a total of 7.5 billion with a b over five years for transit agency you know buses subway to purchase low or no emission buses. Oh, goodness. Gracious. Made by U.S. workers and to build bus facilities. Look, and I've said this on a show a million times. I'm fine with all that. You know, once you make a car, an electric car that rides like a gas, I got no problem with it. You know what I mean?

But to be concentrating on this now and sending this dunderhead friggin' vice president Kamala, this is what she's talking about. We're on the brink of war with Russia. And her nipples are hard over e-buses. Let's listen

to this fuckin' sandwich maker. Administrator shared, we are also announcing funding for, yes, one of my favorite topics, electric school buses. Today, $17 million in grants

will complement the $5 billion for clean school buses. A, she was a hooah. B, she was a hooah. B, she was a hooah. Kamala's very excited about that. Kamala, this is what I say to you. Make me a sandwich. Make me a

fucking sandwich. Don't get any mustard on that pantsuit. Hey guys, I gotta tell you again. Watch the show, Evil Lives Here. I'm recording them. I swallow three at a time. They are good. Oh, my God.

Fucking men really are loopy. Some evil motherfucker. But watch it. The cash infusion, I'm on the next episode. The cash infusion comes as a mask requirements and other COVID-19 restrictions are fading in much of the United States, with many workers beginning a return to the office. The administration sees an opportunity to promote zero-emission transit as families reestablish new commuting routes to work and to school.

So I thought you guys should know that before we get melted down, that they're working on... work and to school. So I thought you guys should know that before we get melted down, that they're working on, you know what, these green energy, you know, this whole thing is about energy, right? You can't be a strong country unless you have your own energy. You can't be, we can't be, he's already put calls into fucking Iran and to Maduro and Venezuela, dictator. That's how I know. I mean, we're sitting on all this shit. Come on. She's excited, though, Kamala.

A fucking noob's about to hit her house. And she's going, oh, my God. We've got to get these emissions down. Meanwhile, China, they say, opens a coal plant literally every other day. Honest to God. So it's so silly. You lefties are just dumb. Why don't you go do something you're good at?

That's diddle yourself. All right, let's move on, fungus face. No, no, no, no! Ooh, and our FLA segment tonight. We're only doing kind of serious. Usually we do FLA. It's some guy got caught fucking a goat on his neighbor's farm. And then we had a guy fucking, remember, a pool float?

That was an act. He was fucking a pool float. Anyways, in our FLA segment tonight, Florida will become the first state in the nation to formally recommend against COVID-19 vaccines for healthy children, a local official said. Why would anybody have a problem with that? It's always Florida, isn't it? I think the whole country is going to be there eventually.

Florida Surgeon General Dr. Joseph Ladapo announced the move. That's him. Handsome fellow, too. As Joe Biden said, clean, articulate. Surgeon General Dr. Joseph Ladapo announced the move. That's him. Handsome fellow, too. As Joe Biden said, clean, articulate. One of the good ones. Fucking idiot. Announced the move which would defy guidance.

I love it. He's in step with his governor. Defy guidance issued by the Federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Who cares what they're saying? Why do they keep bringing them up? First of all, they're not elected officials. Secondly, they're recommendations. And they're wrong recommendations. They have been for two years. All you people that have been wearing a mask and telling me to wear one, how stupid do you feel? You won't even admit it. For disease control and prevention that, by the way, have the left, have you been right about anything in the last 10 years? I mean,

big consequential shit. The answer is no. You really stink at this, whatever this is. Prevention that all children ages five to seven should be vaccinated. That's what the CDC says. The Florida Department of Health is going to be the first state to officially recommend against the COVID-19 vaccines for healthy children, Ladapo said. He did not elaborate or specify when the agency would officially release its guidelines. The CDC has said that coronavirus vaccinations give children five and older strong protection against hospitalization and death for illness. and older strong protection against hospitalization and death for illness. Children are less likely than adults to experience severe symptoms from COVID-19. So give them a shot that you don't know what's in and it could cause complications later on. They don't ever put that in the article. But public health experts have said the vaccines further reduce their risk and help prevent them

from spreading the virus. You guys are about a fucking year late with all this nonsense. And it's still wrong. You're following the science fiction, you people on the goddamn left. You need to shut the fuck up. The Food and Drug Administration approved the use of Pfizer's COVID-19 vaccine in children as young as five, based on the findings of a study by who? Their accountants.

We can make another trillion if you stop whacking the kids up. It's as easy as that. Go look at Fauci's patterns that he holds and what big pharma companies he has deals with. The findings of a study showing the child-sized doses were 90. Every article is still pro-vaccine. 91% effective at preventing

symptomatic cases of the virus. White House press secretary, freckle face, spanky Mc-fucking chuckle redhead bush. She looks like a bass player for the Allman Brothers in the 70s. White House Press Secretary Jenny Psaki derided Ladappos.

Yeah, she derides anything that's based on actual science when she says she's a... Let's do a nice tribute to her. You get that little red beaver right up there in front of you. I don't think it's crazy at all. Maybe one of the rudest things ever uttered in a movie. Saki said it was deeply disturbing. You're deeply disturbed.

I bet you she does anything in the sack because she's a coal fish. You know what I mean? Just fucking... Saki said it was deeply disturbing that there are politicians Because she's a coalfish. You know what I mean? Just fucking. Saki said it was deeply disturbing that there are politicians peddling conspiracy theories out there. Even after John Hopkins. See, you can't say that.

You could say that before when we didn't know all this shit. But John Hopkins came out and said the children don't need to be, that masks are useless, that the six feet was made up. John Hopkins, not me, not fucking. So you can't come out anymore and say this shit. Fucking DeSantis, if he's not the next president,

Trump will be. Anyways, wow, I went on a limb with that one. Anyway, casting doubt on vaccination, she says she can't play politics and do it. When it's our best tool against the virus. Why are we even talking about it today? You know what will kill the virus, Dallas? Nice surgically planted missile from Russia.

That'll kill anything, won't it? So anyway, Saki, we're tired of your cucka. Who gives a fuck what you think? Exactly. Hey, kids, if you haven't heard for the 19th time this month, We're tired of your cucka. Who gives a fuck what you think? Exactly. Hey, kids, if you haven't heard for the 19th time this month, I'm back on the road like Willie goddamn Nelson without the weed. You can find all these tour dates and ticket links on my website at nickdip.com.

March 25th, I'll be at Hyena's Comedy Club in Dallas. Never played it. Dallas is always good to me, though. March 26th, Hyena's Comedy Club in Fort Worth, which is what? It's got to be a two-minute ride, right, Dallas? They're near each other, right? I mean, what? It's called Dallas-Fort Worth Airport. April 7th through 9th, Comics at Mahegan Sun in Connecticut.

May 6th, I'm at Governor's Comedy Club in Levittown. May 7th, the Paramount Theater in Peekskill, New York. September 9th, Soul Joe's. Can you imagine we're already talking about September 9th? Soul Joe's Comedy Club in Royalsford, PA. The next night, the 10th, Algonquin Theater in Manisquan, New Jersey. And September 11th, three nights in a row, Sugarlo Performing Arts Center in Chester, New York. Again, you can get all the links for the tickets at nickdip.com

and click on the tour button. Excuse me. Yeah, McGregor. What's his first name? I think... I don't know. It's McGregor, not MacArthur. Douglas McGregor, I believe.

Anyways, he's very good. You always know. He called, he called Zelensky a puppet. And it sure feels that way. It is Douglas McGregor. Douglas McGregor, right? There you go. Very blunt. It is Douglas McGregor. Douglas McGregor, right? There you go. Very blunt.

Again, coughing into the mic. I was crying. Sounded like, I go, oh, my God, is that what I sound like? Headline, NFL gambles and loses. I knew it was a matter of time. I think we both got it. The NFL gambled that its zero-tolerance gambling policy would leave its integrity shield impenetrable. First of all, they don't have an integrity shield.

You're talking about a league. You're talking about a league that will put a guy who beat his wife senseless on the field the next day or have fucking ex-drug dealer Jay-Z doing the half-time. What integrity are you talking about? Or Snoop. Anything that's woke has no integrity. Fucking silly. Silly you.

Anyways, it has predictably turned out to be a bad bet. Mr. Official, let me ask you something. How can six of you miss a play like that? How can six of you? The ball like that? All six of you. The ball jumped out of there as soon as we made contact. I thought you were talking about you being on the field. No. What?

Dallas, he was before your time. Hank Stram, coach of the Kansas City Chiefs. He would wear a suit like this. Only guy to wear a suit on the sideline. He'd always have a rolled up paper in his hand. Sometimes, you would have loved him. And he had a great personality. What I loved about there on that clip, you hear the ref go, I thought you were talking,

the ref was bullshitting him. And he goes, yeah, what? I'm down to 10% with timing this just right. Anyways, ever since the Supreme Court struck down, excuse me, what the fuck, man? I didn't smoke today, except for a little bit. Ever since the Supreme Court struck down the federal law prohibiting sports gambling in 2018, the NFL has been playing with fire. Is it any wonder it got burned? That's Goodell when he heard the latest. It was inevitable that the siren call of legalized sports gambling,

now in 30 states and counting, would be too much of a temptation for one of its players or one of MLB's players or one of of its players or one of MLB's players or one of the NBA players or one of the NHL players. Sorry, the NHL players wouldn't do it. Why, Nick? Yeah, you figure it out. It is why Commissioner Roger Goodell dropped the hammer on Ridley on Monday.

This is the receiver with a one-year suspension. And you blew it. You blew it! The policy is clear. All NFL personnel are prohibited from placing, soliciting, or facilitating any bet, whether directly or indirectly, through a third party on any NFL game, practice, or other event. This includes betting on game outcome, statistics, scores, performance of any individual participant or any kind of proposition on which wagering is offered.

Except Ridley, the receiver, apparently forgot or didn't care or figured that he wouldn't get caught placing three parlays and betting, according to him, a mere $1,500 on the Falcons. Wow, that's showing a lot of faith in your team. $1,500. Can I just say something?

I made a joke that, like, it's all the brothers. No, it's fucking Alex. Back in the day, it might even be in this article, Alex Karras, Paul Horning, they called him the golden boy, white running back for the Packers. They got, I think they got a year, too. They were warned several times. They still bet. Len Dawson, one of my idols, quarterback for the fucking Chiefs in the 70s.

Bet on games. And he was like a clean cut. It's just, you know, whatever. Goodell certainly has no moral ground to stand on here. And he was like a clean cut. It's just, you know, whatever. Goodell certainly has no moral ground to stand on here, exactly. But he had to make a strong stand. Calvin Ridley will be able to petition for reinstatement. How does that work? Who do you have sign a petition?

You knock on doors in Atlanta? So, anyways, reinstatement for 2023. So he's going to miss this. And he's a good player, man. So he isn't Pete Rose yet, just the first fall guy, but probably not the last. I'm going to put a bet on it. The next one, I'm guessing some Raiders players,

since this stadium is surrounded by sports books. It's fun to bet football, man. My favorite line in the Sopranos, one of my favorite lines of all time, they're at somebody's funeral and Uncle Junior and Tony aren't getting along and Uncle Junior goes to Tony, he goes,

the economy's so good, you're taking credit for shit you have nothing to do with. He goes, as far as gambling? He goes, it's so good, chinks and housewives are betting football. Chinks and housewives are betting. Come on, folks. It's the funniest show ever.

How dare they say it's racist? Hey, guess what? Big surprise. More voter fraud. At least this is still relevant to me, news, because we all know it was stolen. More voter fraud. Republicans in Texas filed a lawsuit against the Harris County Elections Administrator Monday after it was revealed 10,000 mail-in ballots weren't originally included in the this is for the primary by the way it's not for what the old they weren't included in the March 1 primary count yeah so

it's good to see we've cleaned up the Harris County Republican Party says it has lost all faith in elections administrator Isabel Longoria, seen here. Look at that. Who does she look like, John Goodman? Look at this thing. Now, let me give you my tip on it. Here's what keeps me so popular, theories like this.

Again, obviously gay. On her way to being the next fucking Babe Ruth. I don't know. Here she is giving a thumbs up in front of an Applebee's. She just swallowed their fucking jalapeno pop as it does it at a time. But

why do you elect, and again, I don't believe anybody's elected anymore. I'm going to have to get rid of this show. I don't believe in anything. A gay woman, yeah, she doesn't have a chip. She probably wouldn't have a strong bias against the Republican Party or Trump supporters, right? I don't even know how the ballots went down. But do you guys get my point? Like, what's her name? Lori Lightfoot? Black? Gay? You think she sees

the world through the same prisms most of us do? The answer's fucking no. Well, that shouldn't matter. Yeah, it should, because they've proven they can't be subjective. I mean, objective. They are subjective. I fixed it. Isabel Longoria.

When I heard Longoria in the article, I go, hmm. You know, there's only one other Longoria. Well, no, actually, there's a baseball player Isabel Longoria, when I heard Longoria in the article, I go, hmm, you know, there's only one other Longoria. Well, no, actually, there's a baseball player that Eva Longoria, and we get this, Frank Longoria. I was just doing donuts in my forklift. Who they claim is responsible for the worst election fiasco in Texas history. The Office of the Election Administ in the county, which contains

Houston, admitted to finding, listen to this, the 10,000 uncounted votes on Saturday, days after the primary election. How do you find 10,000 votes on a Saturday, said outraged Texas GOP Senator Paul Bettencourt during a press conference with party leaders. What the hell's going on out here? The 6,000 Democrat ballots and 4,000 Republican ballots were scanned into a tabulation machine, okay, but were not tallied into the unofficial final count on election night. So go ask the queer. While we understand the seriousness of this error, the ability to identify and correct this issue

is a result of a lengthy, rigorous process. Listen to this. And is a positive example of the process ultimately working as it should. Talk about it. I hope you didn't rip your hamstrings stretching on that one. What a... So this is a positive thing.

The election office said, what else could they say? Jesus age Christ, Halloween. It's just so ridiculous. Yeah, whatever. No idea what I did there. The votes are expected to be

tallied into the total on Tuesday before the election is certified. The elections office couldn't tell the Post how many races might be affected by races as in campaigns, folks, not black, yellow, be affected by additional votes, a spokesperson said. We don't know. Good answer. That's what you want from a spokesman for the voting. The GOP also alleges a slew of other problems with the election, from voting equipment being delivered late by Longoria's office to ballots

that couldn't be read by tabulation machines. Incorrect ballots were also issued to certain polling locations, preventing people from being able to vote. You know, just little things. The filing alleges Longoria's office provided ballots on the wrong size paper. Yeah, she looks bright. Who the fuck? I wouldn't hire her to cut my lawn.

I mean him. Ballots on the wrong size paper and failed to deliver the required number of working voting machines and adequate supplies. Oh my God. Break up the meeting or nothing, but she's something of a cunt, ain't she, Don? How do you mean that?

She likes a rigged game, you know. Perfect. Nick, you're a genius. I know. The lawsuit asked for Longoria to step down or transition to a bulldog or be fired and for court oversight for upcoming elections. You can't fire her. She's a gay woman. You'll be a homophobic pig after that.

Through a spokesman, Longoria told the Post, grow up, fuck you. Through a spokesman, Longoria told the Post, she has no intention to step down right now. See that? Yeah, you should be full of vim and vigor after being proved to be an incompetent clam lapper. I'm sorry, that's unnecessary.

So is this show, but I'm doing it anyways. What do you think of that? Final story. Porn problems for men. No such thing. A new study has found frequent porn viewing can have disastrous effects on men's sex. First of all,

I've read this story on my podcast for the last 10 years. This is not anything new. They really think this is a fucking story? Yeah, if you yank it 12 times a day, you're not going to be interested in fucking anything else. We know. It's that easy. Next story.

Nick is hitting home a little bit. Can have disastrous effects, hope the wife's not watching this show, on men's sex lives, leaving them with low self-esteem. I don't haveesteem. I don't have ED. I don't have, I get pills for that. I'm 60. I get an excuse now. She's got a headache. I go, I got bone cancer. That's what you use if you're a guy my age. If you don't feel like fucking your wife, you got a headache. I got a brain tumor and an inability to satisfy their lovers. Well, whose fault is that?

The study published last month in the journal Psychological Medicine surveyed more than 20,000 French-speaking adults over a period of two years to determine findings. Why did you go to the Dirty French? The guys don't want to bang their girlfriends because they got muffs that look like fucking Dr. J's fro in the 60s. The research found that the more kinky videos a man watched over time, the more likely he was to report poor levels of sexual function. Well, baby, me so horny. Me so horny.

Me love you long... Me love you long time. Um, yeah. Can I just put it in layman's terms? Fucking Colin Kent was joking about this on stage 15 years ago. You become desensitized.

There's so much weird shit, you can get any little niche you want. Guys who like girls with wooden legs, fucking, you know, and you become desensitized to the kinky shit and whatever. Not me. I'll fuck a cat. It doesn't matter. Frequent porn viewers had more problems maintaining erections and reaching ejaculation. And while they may love watching an X-rated romp, they reported lower levels of desire when it came to have actual sex.

This in turn affected the other two categories, sexual self-confidence and... What are you talking about, masturbation? I'm very good at it. That's my definition. And partner reported sexual satisfaction. The survey didn't define what constituted frequent porn use, but Salzman says everyone is different. He told the Post that for some men, even 15 minutes of porn per day could be enough to pose a problem between the she...

Shut the fuck up. I know priests who look at 15 minutes a day. I'm talking straight one. In the past two decades, the therapist has seen a dramatic uptick in the number of patients with porn-induced erectile dysfunction, also known as PIED.

P-I-E-D. I'm PIED! Including many men in their 20s. I believe it. I believe it. Um... The solution's simple, guys, young guys. You get a handcuff, you... Anytime you get within a foot of a computer, put...

I don't know. Oh, you can still type. That doesn't work. The youngsters have consumed so much kinky content on the Internet that they are unable to get it up. That's called de-centi... de-centi... called desensitization. What the fuck? Slow down. While getting down with a real life lover. I mean, it all makes perfect sense when you think about it. Get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole.

Meanwhile, the Psychological Medicine Study also surveyed thousands of women and found the complete opposite. When it comes to the fair sex, the more frequent a woman watched porn, the more likely she was to experience an increase in sexual, again, self-confidence, functioning, and satisfa... Well, good. Just tell me I wiped that one. I never did that. Even when I was wiped that one. I never did that.

Even when I was young with broad, I never watched porn with chicks. I always made my own. You know what I mean? No, I don't get that. But apparently it's good for the girls, so I know what the wife's getting for our next anniversary.

That's me in the bathroom by myself. Researchers were unable to conclusively explain the reason for this unexpected fine, but theorized it was due to the fact that women generally prefer softcore porn. The study states that porn can also be a source of threatening upward sexual comparisons, particularly for men. For instance, the frequency of porn use predicts penis size dissatisfaction among men. Salzman told the Post that men often feel inadequate. This is the, you know how girls have body, what do they call it, body issues? Image? Whatever. Again, I'm using the wrong phrase.

But men, it's the equivalent for men after they watch porn. Luckily, I don't have that problem. Bullshit. I measure my own dick almost every week hoping it's going to grow, but I'm 60. I think it's done. The men are inadequate after repeated exposure to porn, which frequently features the stars with large penises and gym-honed bodies. They start thinking, I only watch, maybe you guys think this is gay. If I watch porn, I always click on guys with big dicks.

Girls, tiny girls, tiny girls with big, tiny girls who bang big, whatever. I don't want to watch a guy, I've seen a few porns where the guy has like my dick, and I'm like, I'm not watching this. You know what I mean? It fucking bores me. They start thinking, the guys start thinking, and I know this is true, what's wrong with me? I've said this again. I'm about six inches, right? But I've said that, I go why? I've said this to my buddies. I go, you ever watch these porn guys? Why would any woman even fuck me when there's dicks like that out?

But then again, it's only 3% of the male population. But it seems every girl I know was lucky enough to find one of those. What's wrong with me? Why don't I look like that? Oh, you don't pull it enough. Who'd want to have sex with me when everyone in the video looks so different? Legitimate questions. But that's our self-image problem.

You know, like the girls looking at models and saying, we can't be that skinny and that beautiful. And it's true. This is our version. Everything is dick related. Anyways. Hey, that is it for today, ladies and gentlemen. Just keep looking out your window for that missile from Moscow. As long as we get Biden. He's doing everything they said Trump would do. Again, he's reading a script, a globalist script, and whatever. I think Trump went against the script. I don't know. I quit. Don't forget thecomicsgym.com. Sign up there.

Or patreon.com. Sign up monthly, folks. It's a lot of fun. And cameo.com. If you want me to send a recorded message, happy birthday, happy anniversary, or a little roast of one of your friends, go to camu.com, and it'll tell you what to do. That's it.

You think and I'll say it. You're very welcome. See you back here tomorrow at the same time. Have a good day. guitar solo Outro Music