The Nick DiPaolo Show - The Military's Social Experiment | Nick Di Paolo Show #1334

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

USC Banning the Word "Field". Trans Army Guidlines. Cocaine Bear.

🎵 I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. I grew up with a boy On the east side Today There's not a plaque On the statue And that man was Mo Green Anyhow

How are you folks? Welcome to the show It's Wednesday Which means tomorrow's Thursday Which means yesterday was Tuesday Need I go on? You motherless fucks ya Anyways Great to be Wednesday, which means tomorrow's Thursday, which means yesterday was Tuesday. Need I go on? You motherless fucks, you.

Anyways, great to be here. Hit it. Man comes home with a bouquet of flowers. Man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? My favorite joke of all time i love we say bouquet he says bouquet okay and she says i like long form jokes she says ah how are you folks Great to be with you.

Hopefully I'll see you in Lexington, Kentucky this weekend. I'm bringing a cousin in case I can't pick any girls up. What? What did that mean? I don't know. No, I'm excited to get down because later on in the show, we're doing a story about cocaine bear. I don't know if you heard about that.

Based on a true story, the movie's coming out in February, and we'll explain it later on. But I guess there's a place in Lexington where they have the – is that the actual bear, or they just stuffed the bear, made it look cocaine-ish? I don't know. Huh? Probably not real? Probably not the real bear.

Fucking people. I have no idea how to run the woods. Anyhow, yeah, that'll be fun. And got a lot of email yesterday. You know, I put a clip up. Hey, here's the good news. And this is why I love Elon Musk. Because I have no connection with Elon Musk. What, Nick? You didn't hang out with him and call it? No. You didn't help him with his ideas, with his batteries, no. He already affected my life in a positive way by fucking unshadow banning me. I Googled, how do you know? I should have done this a month ago. And they say, you go to your page where all the statistics of how many engagements and

all the insight page on who's reacting and how many comments. And if you see movement in the graph, you know, which makes sense because I was up to like 104, 105,000 when they put the brakes on me like eight, 10 years ago, just stopped. And then it actually went backwards. I go, what are they taking shit away from me? It was down to like 98, whatever. I know it's like 100, but now it's moving. And my last four tweets have got like 300 to 500 likes, which is more like it. How dare somebody like something I did 14 times other than my wife in our 30 years together. I'm telling you, folks,

life is just a series of cold sores, flat tires, and diarrhea. That was my quote on my yearbook picture. Yeah. I'm all fired up. I'm drinking Sanka. How about this? You know, I told you I slept like shit the other day.

Came in here, sleepwalking, had the 19 cups of coffee and by the time I'm done here blowing my little load and playing my guitar when I go home, Dallas, I lay down at 4, 4.10, 4.15, woke up at 7 o'clock. That can't even, you can't even

label that a nap. That's a legitimate sleep. That's a full on REM. Yeah, and it's the only time I feel refreshed I wake up at seven now I'm fucking you know I could go out and run five miles well you know Einstein only slept three hours at a time so that pretty much makes you Einstein yes yeah a lot of people confuse me with... A lot of people listen to my bits and go, you only sleep a few hours, don't you? Yeah, the theory of relativity. Yeah, no, I don't like a...

Feels so good when I wake up. And then fucking last night, now I'm getting that cycle again, 2 o'clock. But I'm like, no, 10 o'clock, I'm going to bed, which is great for me. Get in the fucking sack, break out the phone, which is the last thing you're supposed to do. Read nothing like it's the fucking Bible. Do you jerk off to Genesis? Oh, ladies and gentlemen, that's a doozy. They don't fly in whatever.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, that's a doozy. They don't fly in whatever. Anyways, and real quick, McCarthy has been Speaker of the House for, I don't know, a few days now. And I was reading today in the paper that he's making good on some of the promises. He's already booted Ilhan Omar, that ungrateful Jew-hating terrorist. fucking ungrateful Jew-hating terrorists, and Adam Schiff and fucking Swalwell booted them all from their heads of committees. And you can do that when you're in power now. It's your turn.

Gave them the boot on their fucking committees. And what was the other thing that he did? What did I tell you? I told you one other thing he did. It's kind of a big deal. thing that he did. What did I tell you? I told you one other thing he did. It's kind of a big deal.

Goddamn, Nick. Will you fucking shut up? Quit bringing up shit you can't remember. I have to remember two things. I can only get one of them. Unfucking believable. What's the other thing? He said... I'll think of it. Go ahead. Aren't they launching an actual

investigation into the twitter stuff well that yes but that wasn't it what's the one I told you though Dallas those committee boots oh IRS 87,000 87,000 IRS are going to be armored

he's defunding all that shit whatever that means I mean it sounds good at least he's making you know. So we shall see. And you know who had a lot to do with Marjorie Taylor Greene? So good for her. Fucking, you know, little blonde. Maybe that game plan was just a wake-up call.

What game plan? That the Republicans did on the, what, seven different ballots for... No, that was legitimate beefs. But, yes, I take it as a part. I think they're a legitimate beef. They had legitimate differences. But yes, that's how government's supposed to work. It's not supposed to fucking, you don't do everything lockstep like the fucking Nazi

fascist Democrats do. Don't step out of line and we'll fucking boot you. You know what I mean? Everybody get upset. This is the longest ever. What did it take? A fucking couple days? What the fuck? Anyhow, any he. Let's get right to the goddamn stories. This will slow down the show. West Coast stupid. We got to make a thing, man. Remember? Do it. You do it tonight. Sketch it up. I'll color it in. We'll mail it over to Tommy. He'll dump on it. West Coast, the University of Southern California. We know that as USC, folks. One of the legitimate college football programs

on the West Coast. After that, you can lick my Big 12. Lick my Big 12 what? Nipples. You know when a dog gets pregnant? I had a whole bit of my dog getting pregnant. I was, what was the bit? Had more nipples and I don't know, I was grating cheese on her stomach. Looked like the bottom of a golf cleat.

And I might even remember, what the fuck? Anyways, University of Southern California School of Social Work. So they have a school for social work. What more do you need to know about us heading towards socialism? You're going to educate people to become social workers. That's not a sign. I'm smarter than I look in dress, honestly. These fucking lights have to go.

Anyways, it's dropping. Can we do some dramatic lighting maybe? Seriously, not something I'm half, you know. Some moody lighting. Yeah, you know. Noir. What is it? Film noir.

Yeah, film noir. I have trouble saying that. That's Yoki. It's because you're Bostonian. No, I'm just retarded. Yeah. No, you're right. No, you're right.

In Boston, it's film noir. What do they call that? What do you call them? Dark movies? Me and Obie went to see, yeah, film noir. N-O-A. What was your favorite play? Beer Foot in the Park. School of Social Work is dropping use of the word, get this, folks, field. School of Social Work is dropping use of the word, get this folks, field. They're dropping, we're down to 11, the greatest language that the whole planet uses, by the way. It's the most spoken language, if you don't know that, even more than the chink. Well, as Louis C.K. said about China, this is one of his early jokes, too. This guy's so smart.

You know how we make fun of people, Chinese, their eyes? We say they have fucked up eyes. He goes, they make up, what are they? It was like three quarters of the planet's population, or whatever. He goes, I don't know. We have fucked up brown eyes. Is dropping the use of the word field in an effort to oppose racism. Has more ignorant shit come out of the effort to oppose racism? No, they're ignorant. How are they ever? That's ignorant. The word field.

I read that and I'm going, they can't be going where I think they're going with this. Because slaves used to be in the field. Sure, fuck enough. As we enter 2023, this is the ignorant school talk. We would like to share a change.

I can barely read this. I'm serious. I don't know what's going on. We are making at the Suzanne Dworak Peck School, they won the Orange Bowl in 78, of social work to ensure our use of inclusive language and practice. Specifically,

we have decided to remove the term field. It's not a term, it's a word number one, you fuckheads, from our curriculum, your curriculum or everybody's, and practice and replace it with practicum. I practice cumming all the time. It's just so ridiculous. I practiced last night. It's like Tom Carvell. I decorated my headboard like it was Tuesday. Fudgy the whale.

If this shit doesn't get used, I'm killing Jared, his brother, and Tom. I'm fucking dead serious. All right. By the way, Jared, I got a gun you might want to get rid of because I'm afraid of it. You shouldn't have a gun and be afraid of it. Ask the soldier over there. My buddy Zook said, you're going to take it apart so you're not afraid of it. Oh, I go, yeah, that'll calm my nerves, putting a gun back together and then me shooting it.

This change supports anti-racist social work practiced by replacing language that could be considered anti-black. So watermelons anti-black, banana, field, I'm not even touching on, how many have we got rid of already? No more Aunt Jemima, no more N-word. I mean, come on. Anti-immigrant in favor of inclusive language. You guys see that it's a ruseuse that they don't even believe in it. They just found a way to fuck up our society starting with the language, and they use this to do it. An excuse

of racism, whatever, to be inclusive. It's just the opposite. You're taking away word. How's that inclusive? Maybe I like the word field. Anybody ask me? In favor of inclusive language, a notice about the change states. Did I just fuck up that sentence?

I'll move on. You never take a pause in the middle of it, do a little op ed, and then think you know where you're going after. Language can be powerful in phrases such as going into the field or field work. In other words, he's going into the field of science or not going into the field of pick cotton. We know the difference if you put it in context.

God, you, fuck, I'm going to bury you guys in a field. Or field work may have connotations for descendants of slavery. Yes, because there's been such a cry by people who are descendants of slaves about this word. Do you see how it's all manufactured horseshit? Nobody gives a fuck. And I'm praying you black people

start standing up and yelling along with me and the rest of the white people, the ones that are, you know, not lib. Anyways. Anyways, they say these words are not benign to people like that. Which is exactly what they are, by the way. You know what I'm saying? Don't go out in the field, you hear all this stuff like this. Oh well, the bus cut, crack you, let you, number 8

You better watch your mouth, trimble, let you, number 8 You better watch your mouth, trimble, let you, number 8 That was of course the OJs off their second album. Backstabbers. Anyways, in solidarity with the universities across the nation, are you sure about that? Have you checked with them all? Our goal is not, listen to this.

Here's where they come right out and reveal the secret. That's not a secret. Our goal is not just to change language. Who asked you to? Who the fuck asked you to? What did they, who killed the intellectuals first? Was that, I don't know. I mix up my revolutions. I got to believe that was a, that was actually Russia, wasn't it? I don't know.

Just to change language, but to honor and acknowledge inclusion and reject white supremacy. How long are we going to let them get away with this shit? White supremacy. We haven't met a white supremacist yet in the last fucking hundred years. Anti-immigrant and anti-blackness ideologies, the notice states. We are committing to further align our actions, behaviors,

and practices with anti-racism. They're saying all this as black and brown people are pouring into the border right now to live in this country. And anti-oppression, which requires taking a close and critical look at our profession. Why don't you take a look at your life? Look in the mirror to yourself and hang yourselves in front of your children. Kill them, too, because I don't want them around.

You've already brainwashed. Our history, our biases, yeah, keep living in the past, progressives. Our complicity in the past and current injustice. It also means continuing to work together to train social work students so we can have more people leeching off the system of white, hardworking Americans today and who understand and embody social and racial justice. I'll give it to you in their language. That's one of the professors there Maybe they have a point. Let's move on to more stupidity. Shall we? In the name of wokeness

Hello, Corporal Klinger. They had line read the United States Army has prepared extensive guidance. Hey, when's the last time we did it? Segment thing. I forgot we even have that shit. Anyways. You could almost reply reverse the races to anything these days. Well, yeah. Has the prepared extensive guidance to how to integrate transgender, I'm talking about our military, soldiers into its ranks, because that should be number one on our list of things in the military. We've got China breathing down our back. We're being invaded on our own border. Fucking, you know what, Brazil's the new Venezuela with a dictator taking over there. But this is what we should be worried about, how our soldiers,

who, by the way, we can't even get so because people don't want to be involved. Soldiers, you know, transgender soldiers into its ranks, including instructions for group showers. First of all, you don't refer to them as group showers. That's a whole different thing I did in college at Sigma Chi, fucking dirty hoe. For group showers and how to respond to pregnant men. Russia, China, come on in. Fuck it. Let's get it over with. Newly revealed training documents show.

I was likely to say it is you sucks. You fucking people. You have no idea how to defend a nation. President Joe Biden restored an Obama-era directive. Again, Obama was the worst thing to happen in this country ever. He was a tumor on the ass of whatever progress. Obama-era directive, codifying service for many transgender individuals who gobble ghoul at an alarming rate. Shortly after taking office in 2021, because he's an enemy of the state, Obama, and wants

to weaken the military. So he helped put this in place. And then they get a puppet like Joe Biden who shits his pants, eats greens, yellow. They said he's perfect to get all the shit done. Because they planned 20 years ahead, folks. I don't know if you know that. One slide in the tier two training materials addresses how an officer should respond when a soldier approaches to discuss his newly confirmed pregnancy. Dallas, you happy you got out when you did?

More than you know. Oh, my God. Understand that soldiers who have transitioned gender may remain susceptible to medical conditions associated with their birth gender, the material advises. And to me, I say that. Soldiers have to accept living conditions with little or no privacy, including in open bay showers where women might find themselves bathing alongside a female who has male genitalia or vice versa.

You know, it used to be all male military. Then we started letting women in. And guess what happened? Rapes skyrocketed and sexual assault and all that shit. You think this is going to help that out? Have an all trans army. I don't give a fuck. But don't, don't, no redneck from Alabama, I don't care what year, or fucking Tennessee

or wherever is going to go, oh, you're pregnant, huh? And not kick the guy in the snatch. Here's a sentence you don't hear often. Kick the guy in the snatch. Really, social experiment. It's a sentence you don't hear often. Kick the guy in the... Really, social experiment. It's a Petri dish. While the Army will pay for a transgender soldier's gender transition surgery...

I'm on the G.I. Jane bill. It won't provide additional funding to add curtains or shower hooks inside stalls. Am I really reading this? Yes. According to materials labeled special staff training, but you will hear a lot of stuff like this, phrases like this in the barracks. Perhaps you'd like me to come in there and wash your dick for you.

Perhaps you'd like me to come in there and wash your dick for you. Transgender soldiers are not expected to modify or adjust their behavior based on the fact that they do not match other soldiers. Why not? So the other 89, 90 percent, what am I saying? The other 98 percent should have to match them. One slide in the Tier three training packet reads, in another vignette as the guidance calls them, they call them vignettes, even a faggy French word, you motherless fucks, I'm gonna come over there and bitch slap your kids. Officers are presented with a scenario involving a soldier transitioning to become female

and who is on an Army prescribed medical plan that includes hormone treatments and is expected to take six months. After five months, however, it becomes increasingly difficult for the soldier to meet male body composition standards. Whose fault is that? Is the button I should have hit. The slide reads, the solution, command is, listen listen to this listen to how far off the reservation we are

as far as what the main purpose of a military is it's to kill to kill to win by attrition I sound like the guy in Rambo lethality that is the sole measurement of a military lethality lethality that's a big word for Dallas give him a round of applause

lethality I used it again? Lethality. Lethality. That's a big word for Dallas. Give him a round of applause. Lethality. I used to call it lethality. It's a good word, lethality. That's how they say I used to tackle it. Why? He was a good tackler? No, he had a knife in his foot.

The solution, commanders are, are you happy, Washington? You got a football team named, call the commanders now? Because this is what your commanders are doing, they're measuring girls' men's vaginas. Commanders are authorized to push back the soldier's test date or give the soldier extended leave. There you go. That's how to prepare a ready millet. And everybody goes, oh, Nick, whatever. If somebody's willing to die for their country, no, bullshit. I'm done with that.

I want all men, by the way. Chicks, go ahead. I just don't want you. Mick, go ahead. Go have your own. We'll have to save you. Guys, we'll have to save your ass. I say we.

I'm 111. Soldiers are permitted to request an exception to policy and adopt alternative fitness standards. You know, like do one pull-up and whatever, to those associated with their official pre-transition gender. Boy, can we overcomplicate? Again, it's so obvious what they're doing here. How do you feel about all that? I'll tell you.

That's faggot stuff. You want a court by its name, that's strictly for fags. You hear that, Millie? You fucking maggot. It is very much a gender-affirmative policy in that it accepts at face value a person's declared gender identity. So I can be a... How about if I'm a male soldier and I...

Right? Let's say it's wartime. I'm on a fort operating base and they go, take that hill. I don't want to today. I identify as a big girl. I identify as a pregnant Chinese lady and they go, take that hill. I don't want to today. I identify as a big girl. I identify as a pregnant Chinese lady. I can't take that.

I mean, I'm not exaggerating. Where does it stop? Take that hill, cleaner. Gender identity without quip, Bergo said, referring to the Army's transgender rules. If we're not on the slippery slope to fucking... I'll say it again. Those conservatives back in the 50s that made fun of gay people

and all that shit, sorry. They're looking more right every day. Nick, this is not gay. This is trans... Shut the fuck up. It all starts from the same. Quit playing me. Hope this shit flies in Kentucky.

I've got a feeling it will. Right? Hey, guys and girls, and again, if I'm in the Army, everything in between, I'll be back on the road this weekend. Here's where you can see me. Peeking through your daughter's window on the second floor in an 18-foot ladder. In Lexington downtown. Right next to the store that has a cocaine beer.

January 13th to 14th, Comedy Off-Broadway. That's Christ's sake. That's two nights from now. Thursday, this Thursday and Friday, Comedy Off-Broadway, Lexington, Kentucky. February 3 and 4, the Grove Comedy Club, Lowell, Arkansas. Jesus Christ, that's right around the corner too. March 11th and 12th, the Comedy Club of Kansas City in Kansas City, Mizzou. The one before was Arkansas, Lowell, Arkansas. April 21 and 22, the Funny Bone, St. Louis and St. Charles,

Missouri. May 12th, Hilton, Daytona Beach, Oceanfront Resort, Daytona Beach, Florida. So I'm looking forward to getting another ticket. I had to pay a lawyer. You got all options now. I could have went in person and fought it and shit. Or I can pay a lawyer

to fucking go down and fight it for me and not have it end up, he'll knock it down and I won't end up on my, supposedly, on my insurance. I'm doing 102,

which I'd say is about average at two in the morning in Florida slash Georgia. Got a fucking nine-year-old lady blow by me in a Dodge Charger. Exactly. 9 times out of 10 somebody's going faster than you. I was staying up with the traffic at 2 in the morning. Literally.

And, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, I would... You're supposed to go directly to jail, but because of this COVID thing, they had to change during COVID because they didn't want the jails all whatever the fuck. They changed it. That's why I didn't go and get arrested right there. And by the way, I was a few cops watching.

I was doing 110 most of the way. You kind of want to get home after making people laugh for 48 years. You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.com. Click on the tour button. Finally tonight, in the world of animal news,

Cocaine Bear, the Blue Bloods of Kentucky, want you to associate their state with thoroughbred racehorses or bourbon or even Abraham Lincoln. They would rather not add Cocaine Bear to the roster of Kentucky Immortals, but it's too late now. The Bear has become an official estate icon thanks to Witt, Heiler, and Griffin Van Meter. It's a movie coming out this February.

a movie coming out this February. I'm talking about it because they have the guys from Kentucky that the movie's about is from Lexington. His family was into racehorse. We're going to show you the trailer right now. But, well, you know. Are you interested in the real story? I am. Here is, ugh, that's Pelosi screaming at the... Anyways, yes, let's look.

This is a trailer called Cocaine Bear. But a guy, like I said, he was from a family from Lexington, I believe. They were rich or whatever. And he was smuggling coke or whatever. Bailed out of a plane, banged his head, whatever. And the cocaine landed in the woods and a bear ingested it. And they're making a movie about it. Cocaine Bear was briefly famous in 1985 when it was found dead.

An actual bear, folks. It was found dead after eating roughly $15 million worth of coke. It's a little more than Keith Richards would do on a weekend. From a duffel bag dropped from a drug smuggler's airplane. That gives a little context. Here is the, about a two-minute trailer for the movie. Looks kind of fucking fun to me. Roll it.

Medic! Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. What is that? My wife waking me up for work. My wife waking me up for work. It's me on the turlet. Beth, we should go.

Oh, fucking A. I didn't see that. The volcano fell from the sky this morning in Knoxville, Tennessee. There's more of this out there. They dumped it somewhere. I'm looking for my daughter. The forest is dangerous place Henry check it out something got into it a deer maybe a lot of cocaine was lost No, no, no, don't eat that, don't eat that. Let's see what kind of effect that has on you. The bear, it fucking did cocaine.

A bear did cocaine. There was a bear. A bear? It was far. Hey, that's inappropriate. You're safe. Bears can't climb trees. Of course they can! That gay guy.

That was James Corden. Oh shit. It kinda seems like the thing that stays with a man forever. Apex predator. High on cocaine. Out of his mind. Oh man, you fucked. What the fuck is wrong with that bear?

Shoot it! Bear, speed up! Holy shit. We have such good luck in nature. Holy shit. We have such good luck in nature. All right, I'm in. Why do I get a feeling I just saw the whole movie?

I know, right? See the bear jumping into the ambulance? I heard they used Antonio Brown. They put him in a suit. Holy shit. The smuggler, Andrew Carter Thornton II, was the wealthy son of an elite Kentucky horse breeding family, according to a display at Georgia Bureau of Investigation headquarters, famous for exhibiting the monkey from Mars.

Thornton fell to his death when he bailed out of the plane, hit his head on the tail of the aircraft, and didn't open his parachute until it was too late. Thornton's body was found in a driveway in Knoxville, Tennessee. What the... Oh, my God. You shit-kicking, stinky horseman who's smelling motherfucker, you... Fell in Pesci's driveway.

He's got a summer home down there. Nine Coke-stuffed duffel bags were eventually recovered along his plane's flight path. Cocaine beer was found three months later in the woods just south of the Tennessee-Georgia state line, sprawled next to the ripped open tenth bag. All of its coke, about 76 pounds, was gone. Also, sons of the bluegrass state like Thornton made headlines in 2011 when they launched a tongue-in-cheek campaign to replace Kentucky's lame tourism slogan,

unbridled spirit, with one of their own, Kentucky kicks ass. I like it. A bureaucrat in the tourism office said, those guys have a constituency of no one, Griffin recalled. But those no ones bought a lot of our Kentucky kicks ass T-shirts. Look at that. I'm there, man. I got something to do in Lexington. Encouraged Griffin Inwit opened a brick and mortar store, the Kentucky Fun Mall, as a

marketplace for locals to sell quirky home state items and comedians to hang out at during the day, such as gold-plated KFC breastbone necklaces, honey, anniversary in March, right? And fried chicken scented candle. Are you shitting me? You don't think I'm not? I know what you're getting for a fucking wedding gift. I hope you love, hope Gianna loves the smell of KFC gravy candle. They also wanted their store

to showcase the unusual Kentucky relics. You know, like Mitch McConnell. I'm on fire. This fucking thing. And that's when they remembered cocaine beer growing up here. I remember hearing about it a lot.

Said Witt. Could it possibly still be around? Apparently it is. How about that? So if you guys come to the show in Kentucky, you'll hear all those jokes I just had off the top of my head. Anyways, that's it, right? That's it. Beautiful. Tight, short, sweet.

By the way, people are loving the show. Oh, as far as the thing, I? That's it. Beautiful. Tight, short, sweet. By the way, people are loving the show. Oh, as far as the thing, I didn't mention the cooking thing. I don't know what to do, folks. Everybody wants it but me. I go, it smells too much like, the reason I'm not doing it, it feels like when I saw Michael Imperioli on Chopped and a competition on the Food Network. And I went, no, Michael, no.

It's like De Niro doing Fockers 3. I don't know. People think I'd be so funny, me cooking and being funny. You guys don't know what I do when I cook. I lose my temper. I throw hot grease at my wife. There's nothing funny about that.

Which is absolutely hilarious. All right, Dallas. Dallas finds that funny. The guy who's about to my wife. There's nothing funny about that. Which is absolutely hilarious. All right, Dallas. Dallas finds that funny. The guy who's about to get married. That's it. Don't forget Cameo.com if you'd like me to roast a friend or relative. Go to Cameo.com.

And yeah, I'm back on Twitter and it's alive again. The numbers are moving up. The fog has been lifted after a fucking eight year ban. I should be at least $300,000. Everybody, you know. Anyhow, you guys think it, I'll say it. You're very welcome.

We'll see you back here tomorrow. Unless you're a Patreon member and you pay monthly, I'll see you in a few minutes for your story. Take it easy, kids. Hi. Good night, everybody. hi good night everybody guitar solo Thanks for watching!