The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump Crushes Caucus "Competition" | Nick Di Paolo Show #1510

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trumps victory, Iowa's poll, Haley's non-answer, Kyler meat and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Good morning, my neighbors! Hey, fuck you! Come on. God, that's so New York. It makes me miss New York. Hi, folks. How are you? Welcome to the show on a, what is it, a balmy Tuesday.

Well, balmy compared to the rest of the country. You got, watching the news is like watching you people on another planet. It's like, what is that, Mars, the cold side? Holy, Dallas just showed me pictures of Alabama, northern Alabama. It looks like frigging Michigan in February. Snow and all kinds of horse shit. You know, global warming. And I know what you douchebags.

No, no, no, this is a sign. Shut it. Shut it and suck it. Fold it over and put it in a drawer, you fucking asshole. Anyways, let fucking asshole. Anyways, let's get... Real quick, NFL, you guys probably watched

T. I lost three dimes last night. I had the Eagles. What the... What the fuck? The Eagles? They just packed it in about a month ago. Do you realize they were 10-1 and they didn't end up winning 12 games this year what the fuck is good you can't put that on the coach he had him in a

super bowl he had him right the last few sirianni's on a great i see somebody holding up a fire no fucking fire the players fucking philly fans man yeah it was one nitwit. But, you know, I think that's all fans now. Instant gratification. Gratification. But give me a break. That's the players. I mean, what's his name? Hurts didn't even look interested.

After I saw the guy, like the second play, the guy broke about eight tackles. I go, the Eagles didn't come to play. You can tell. But what about that safety? That looked like garbage, too. And Hurts is way more mobile than that. Eagles didn't come to play. You can tell. But what about that safety? That looked like garbage, too. And Hurts is way more mobile than that. He didn't have to go down to the end zone. I don't know about that.

I think he's doing his best there. But, yeah, that was silly looking. What the fuck? What, didn't you throw it like this? Yeah, that was beautiful. Anyways, and the other game was who? The Bills and the Steelers. And again, I'll say it again, Mike Tomlin overrated.

Overrated. He just walked off whenever somebody asked him about his job. Did he really? Well, of course, because the media and everybody else is blowing him. He's never had a losing season. Yeah, well, it's Pittsburgh. They've known to have talent every year. You won one Super Bowl.

You know, most of the time they play to the level of their opponents since Tomlin's got there. Sorry. I like him. I mean, he's a guy's guy. He played in the NFL. Don't get me wrong. He's a religious guy.

I like him. I'm just saying, the fucking white media, they can't wait to replace Brady with Mahomes. They can't wait. They're just blowing Tomlin. What good is it? Oh, he's never had a losing season. So what? When did that become the end goal? I mean, stop the fucking, what is it? The fucking lie became the truth to some people in this country. Anyway, speaking of lies, the truth to some people in this country. Anyway, speaking of lies, the media

got the Iowa thing, well, the left pretty much got it wrong. They're shitting their pants this morning. Trump smoked them. Put up the... Yeah, here's the results. There you

go. And the NFC North, Trump 50, lapping the competition. DeSantis smoked money well spent by all these mamalukes. Only person that did good out of those four, I mean, other than Trump, Ramaswamy, nobody knew who he was a couple years ago. So, you know what I mean? He raised his profile. And immediately, he dropped out after last night and endorsed Trump immediately. And again, I want him in the cabinet somewhere. And I, but I keep hearing, I go online and these people, I don't trust him. There's some

sorrow stuff he hasn't come clean off. Then who else? Huh? Yeah, then who else? Nikki Haley? Get an egg salad recipe from Calcutta, you motherfucker? What kind of people are these, Henry? So Nikki Haley, nice lady. Just be a governor. You're lucky you got that. DeSantis?

Sorry. I believe in DeSantis, and I think he'd make a good president. I don't understand how I think he was a victim of the corporate media sucking the ass of Nikki Haley and burying him. But anyway, Trump did El Smoko. Remember he said, going to win so much, you're going to get... Let me tell you something. He would have made a hell of a coach.

This guy wins and wins even when he's going to jail, maybe. I dare you left to put him in jail. Want to see an insurrection? My wife would like to see one. Good night, everybody. Anyways, let's listen to... Did I have a story for it? I don't even know what I'm doing.

What am I looking at? Here's Donald Trump with the victory. By the way, it was like fucking frigid out there below, way below zero. And him just, what? I don't have that kind of energy now. I'm fucking 62 in a couple of weeks. This fucking guy bouncing around Iowa with 11 degrees all happy

and how do you, where do you? I don't know how they do it. Anyways, here he is. Victory speech last night. This has been some period of time and most importantly, we want to thank

the great people of Iowa. Thank you. We love you all. I am your voice. And I really think this is time now for everybody, our country, to come together. We want to come together. Pause.

Yes, Donald, we do. But it's hard to, when the people you're running against are trying to put you in jail, and all the people that vote for them, for the other jerk, believes that you're a crook or something. How do you come together with that? It's time to strangle the other side. The fucking Democrat Party has to be dismantled and done the fuck away with in a big way. Get your muskets, whatever, maybe a wet towel, a snap. I don't know. I'm kind of old. Fucking wrist rocket. What do you have? A fucking super soaker? I feel the cat piss, that was always mine. Anyways, go ahead, Don.

I'm sorry to- Republican or Democrat or liberal or conservative, it would be so nice if we could come together and straighten out the world and straighten out the problems and straighten out all of the death and destruction that we're witnessing. Amen. Amen. But it's never going to happen, because there's one side who is living in an alternative universe. that we're witnessing. Amen. Amen. But it's never going to happen

because there's one side who is living in an alternative universe. Never going to happen. But they're going to be shitting their pants. I mean, he never showed up. Just smoked them. Set all kinds of records with those numbers, by the way.

Anyways, I thought an interesting thing that I found out last night, not my president is the next story, 68% of Iowa in caucus go, by the way, nobody knows what a caucus is. I mean, we know what the definition is. Nobody can explain. I watch it on TV. Even the pros

are fucking, every year they have to re-explain, or every four years, have to re-explain how a caucus, that's how you know there's something weird about it. I don't know. It starts in a state where funnel cakes are considered gourmet. Whatever. I mean, the Iowans, that is America. I mean, you know, don't get me wrong. 68% of Iowan caucus goers do not believe President Joe Biden legitimately won the 2020 election. It should be 160 percent.

The left, and there's a book coming out based on all the fraud that went on. So anyways, while 30 percent think he did, they should get out of Iowa and go to hell. Excuse me, diarrhea. A CNN entrance poll found about that Monday. The poll also asked respondents if former President Donald Trump is fit for the presidency. Where do you get your balls asking that when you got this mummified jerk off

in the fucking White House right now? How dare you? If Trump is fit for president, even if convicted of a crime, he might be the cleanest guy ever. My wife was telling me about an interview she saw with Sammy the Bull about Trump, you know, because he was the developer. If you guys know how New York City works, you have to deal with a fucking mob when you're building shit. Unions, cement guys, you know how it is.

Sammy the Bull says we could never get to him. He had so many layers in between us and them the Bull says we could never get to him. He had so many layers in between us and them. He said we couldn't get to him. And that's how clean he was, even when they did talk. If they ever talked to him, he said we couldn't get to him. He wouldn't bend. Whatever.

Why would Sammy the Bull lie on his bed? Anyways, the top issue for Republican caucus goers was immigration, 40%, followed by the economy, 35%, foreign policy, 11%, and abortion, 11%. Get off the abortion, will you? Middle of the country, let it fucking go. Every time I step over a homeless guy, I go, honestly, laying in his own shit, it's 11 degrees.

He wouldn't have been better off. I know I don't sound like a conservative, but I never did when it came to abortion. I'm not pro-abortion. There's way too many abortions. But don't make it up. Get the fuck out of here, will you? Please.

You know, just the sound of an abortion. What a show. Among Republicans who caucused, that sounds filthy, Trump was also the early winner per the CNN entrance poll with 53% Florida governor. We already went over these. DeSantis had 21 percent Nikki Haley 18 and my boy Vivek Nikki Haley she's got to be disappointed the money they you know my vagina's angry it is it's pissed off we'll tell you don't tell your titties followed by

anti-woke anti-woke businessman Vivek Ramaswamy with 7%. He's going to be in the cabinet somewhere. Trump says he already knows who his VP is going to be. I think I'm going to go out on a limb because everybody can pick it easy. I'm going to go with that Stefanik lady. Elise Stefanik, the one on Capitol Hill that was calling them on their anti-Semitism and shit. Remember that? That's mine.

And she's a New Yorker, right? That's my guess. If not, give me a black guy. Again, the deputy. Yeah. Play their game. The poll sampled 311 GOP caucus goers. The poll sampled 311 GOP caucus goers, 45 different caucus locations with a three-point margin of error.

Anyways, before I go on, second half of the show, I'll be talking about, I'll tell you what's going on at Rice University, what they're doing to make me and all you believe in segregation again. Because it's just, you're going to be shocked. Also why MIT is being sued and all us men should be very happy about that. That's all exclusively on Mug Club. So join now to get Mug Club at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and and more it's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time uh you can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the nicker shirts just go to nick dip.com and click on store again that's nick

dip.com click on store thank you guys so much. See you soon. Anyways, back to the show. DeSantis gets hassled last night by a heckler. That's his wife, right? I thought it was like just a staff member, but yeah, you're right. I know. Cutie pie. Look at she's standing like a mannequin.

DeSantis gets hassled by a heckler. This guy, he wanted to fucking... I don't even know, even if he's a Trump fan, he's going to troll DeSantis here. So I don't know what he is. But anyways, check it out. It's kind of funny. Nothing's going to stop us. Real quick, before we get started,

thank you, everyone. Governor DeSantis, I want to present to you this participation trophy. Now, probably not going to win the election, right? But we're proud of you for trying. There you go. I mean, he's special, he's unique, and he's our little snowflake.

Thank you. Here you go. Do you want the award? I want to fucking smash his fucking face in. DeSantis is like, imagine DeSantis, imagine if DeSantis took a swing and knocked that guy out. You know what would happen? Because they weren't, yes, they weren't done counting. Fucking all of a sudden he passed Trump.

How about that prick? He had me giggling. How about the whole room not knowing that he's mocking their guy? A little slow on the uptake sometimes, conservatives, with a humor. Anyways, how dare he? Ronnie's like, yeah? I'll take off my lifts. I'll fucking take it outside.

What do you think of that? That was mean. All right. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. You know, shut up. Make me a sandwich. Make me a fucking sandwich. You know, shut up and make me a sandwich tonight. Presidential hopeful. I'm sorry.

Every time I see NIKK, I think of a nice dirty stripper in print. He had a song, Nikki, didn't he? Presidential hopeful Nikki Haley failed to definitively state during a teletown hall with Iowa voters over the weekend that a man cannot become a woman. Yeah, that's all I need to know. That's all I need to know. During the event, she took a question from a man named Lucy. No, a man named John who had a vagina. No, I'm kidding you people, who expressed that he was unhappy with the way former President Donald Trump answered that same question during a sit-down with Megyn Kelly. You know, one thing I saw him do was, he said that, this is the guy asking a question,

he had trouble answering the question, could a man become a woman? And I'm just wondering what your response to that question is. He asked the Indian lady, and she replied, that's a sick question. You're a sick fuck, and I'm not that sick that I'm going to answer it. There you go. That's how she should have answered it. I agree with a lot of his policies. This is Nikki Haley talking. But rightly or wrongly, chaos follows him. And everybody on this call knows that. And we can't be a country in disarray and a world on fire and go through four more years of chaos. The world is not on fire because of him. Dumb answer, it was quiet as a mouse. The economy was booming. Everybody was kind of actually getting along,

except for the people who have lost their minds. You're never going to convince otherwise. We won't survive it, she says. You're right. We need a boring lady from Calcutta. And I think a lot of that is how he communicates and what happens. It just sets us all in disarray. Oh, stop.

You sound like a chick. And we can't afford a President Kamala Harris. Well, she got that right. But just the wah, wah, wah. Will you shut up? Will you? Will you please shut up? Haley finally addressed the issue at hand, but she refused to look at the facts, as she stated at the beginning of her response.

Did you hear her bullshit? She never got to the end and failed to definitively state that a man cannot become a woman. Rather, Haley responded by stating that she does not believe any individual should be able to undergo sex reassignment surgery before they reach adulthood.

Well, that's not the fucking question he asked, mealy mouth. After the age of 18, we want to make sure people can live it any way they want. Really? Any way they want to live? Really? Because you know those guys that take showers with girls? I like to do that in the locker room. Scare them right out of there with his gray sack. But that's not answering the question. I don't think government needs to be in control of anybody's life, she said.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! That has nothing to do with what he asked. Shut up! Shut up! And whether somebody transitions or not has nothing to do with the government. What the fuck are you talking about? Mealy mouth. She didn't answer it. Right there. That's enough for me.

You know what I mean? If you can't lean into that one, that's why Stefanik's going to be the beeper. I hope I'm right on that one. Let's check out Vegas, what they got up on the board. If she's on there at like 300 to 1, I'm putting down $100. Absolutely goddamn lightly.

Lightly? What? Fuck off. I get mad at myself sometimes. Headline, gentlemen, do not start your engines. I thought you'd like that. Fox 13 News has obtained footage from security cameras at the Salt Lake

City International Airport. They're been everywhere. Showing the moments leading up to a man's ultimate, excuse me, untimely death after he entered the tarmac through an emergency exit and then was eventually found dead inside a jet engine turbine, as you will find yourself if you go into a jet engine turbine. They sting. Knock the wind right out of you. You try that? Kyler Effinger, 30 years old. Effinger idiot. Here he is transitioning to a fucking

Rastafarian while taking a shit on a rock in the desert after getting some bad mushrooms. Died the night of January 1st after climbing into the turbine. What in God's... Salt Lake City police said that at 9.52 p.m. Why can't they have this on camera? I would just like to see that. A store manager inside the airport reported a disturbance involving a passenger on the secured side of the terminal. Airport control later told officers that a man went through an emergency exit door.

Here's some video of, you watch how he walks and how he swings his arms. There's a little something there. I'm not saying, but he seems confused about more than his hair though. Let's take a look. La la la. See him swinging his arm like a big girl? A little swishy there. I'm sorry, but look how clean it is. Salt Lake City. I love that place. Look at, I'll try this one. Where's the ladies' fitting room?

I gotta pee. I gotta make a sissy. Maybe it's downstairs. Nah, fuck it. I'll go outside. Oh, boy. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger.

No, Will Robinson. Danger. And he jumps into the goddamn... Probably trying to get warm. And did he ever? Ouch. The cause of his death has not been released. Well, let me release it for you.

How do you like ground chuck? You dinks. Can you imagine? I think it was COVID. There are dozens of other clips with multiple hours of footage provided by airport officials, which the TV station will be reviewing and possibly releasing more. Show him making a pate. What's his name? Kyler. Kyler? With a K? Kyler pate.

They span from him being dropped off at the airport to going through security, walking through the terminal, approaching the gate, and eventually buying a $40 hot dog. That might have did it. Running away from the gate and dropping his belongings. Effinger was scheduled to fly to Denver to see his sick grandfather, but then he said, I don't like this guy. But he had an unspecified episode.

Do we know this? How do you know that? You don't even know how he died, you said. Unspecified episode and breached the airport security door. His family believes the incident stemmed from another mental health crisis. Is that what the family believes? You're fucking crazy. Yeah. That's the crisis? You're fucking crazy. Yeah.

That's the crisis. You're fucking crazy. Can you imagine that? Oy, oy, oy. Did you see how clean the airport was? Fucking white people, huh? Something else.

Salt Lake City, you could eat off the goddamn sidewalks. I keep forgetting I'm 62. I was just going to say, I'd like to move there. You? No.

No, I'm just saying. You should see me on a fucking, you know what, snowboard. I'd fall down and hurt myself. Anyways, it's a beautiful place is all I'm saying. It's very white and clean. Nick, why do you?

Because it bothers people, me to say that. Even a statement like that gets people in their panties in a bunch. Hey, for do you? Because it bothers people, me, to say that. Even a statement like that gets people in their panties in a bunch. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of this delicious show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com. Join to get my full show, Stephen Crowder,

who's back, when, Monday? July 22nd or whatever? I don't know. People, calm down out there, by the way. He tells you every year he takes off three weeks in the summer and three, and people are freaking out. And I thank you guys for saying, Nick, thanks for putting the content out there. I have to. I don't have his money. I've got to make a goddamn living. Anyways, stick around for the second half of the show,

Crowder's show, and also a whole lot more. And while you're there at nickdip.com, click on the tour button. As you see, May 11th, I'll be at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, and I'll repeat this, I need you to show up. The venue is huge for me. It's huge. Anyways, that's at the Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey. guitar solo Bye.