The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump Goes To The Beach | Nick Di Paolo Show #1569

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump in NJ, Jaws and more!   Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 It's an off-color remark. It was highly inappropriate. Hi, folks. Speaking of off-color remarks, had a great time. Live shows, a lot of off-color remarks by myself. A lot of... Too many fucks. I've got to be honest, way too many. Get the start button, shit.

I took an Advil PM, so you're dealing with Mr. Magoo today. Just wipes my memory out. I tried to get coffee in the living room today. Standing there with a mug under a lamp. Nothing. I can't thank you guys enough, and the great Steven Crowder and his whole crew, and William Rodriguez, who booked this. Tommy was with me the whole weekend to make things go smoothly. I got to thank everybody, my wife, a couple of colored broads I banged in high school. Listen, look at that. That is the Count Basie Theater, folks.

Total number 850, I think we had. And it goes back way further than that. And I thought I saw a sprinkle even upstairs. They just probably chose to sit in the balcony. These beautiful seats. This, look at that theater, though. It's like being in show business for one night of my life. I mean, look at that. Honest to God, I can't be happier there. If every gig was like that, which it's going to be, hopefully. We're putting a tour together, right? You know, one show at a theater.

I can do that forever. I came out to those people. I knew why they were there. They thought Rodney, whatever Dangerfield's kid was. I don't know. No. But yeah, it put me up at a beautiful hotel. You guys that came out, thank you so much.

You couldn't have been better. It was like cutting butter. It was just, they were there. Again, I listened to the show after way too many fucks. And I had a rum and diet coke and it sets me off that's my excuse but you I get you get in front of that many like-minded people the adrenaline goes and I feel like I'm hanging out with my friends and that's where you want to get as a comic you want to be that comfortable but uh even like uh there you go this is a great dana perino that's her husband peter

uh to the left of her and a couple of people that were with them uh dana is i just so respect you know uh yeah she's good looking but to take the time she got plenty of money she lived they lived on their half hour way they don't you know i mean To take the time to come out and see me live, I was a little bit in awe of that. And I was a little nervous since I've been looking at it. She told me she got her tickets. I know she's not a priss.

I'm just saying that. I show my ugly side up there. That's what some guys choose to do. Howard Stern would show his ugly side on the mic. Sometimes you bear too much. I skipped the Fox girls jokes out of respect. But I can't thank her and Peter enough and bringing friends and stuff.

It couldn't have gone better. So right after the next morning she emailed me to thank me and all the stuff and couldn't believe how funny why and i said i apologize for the f-bombs i go i i i listen to the show i stopped counting at 21 i'm not kidding you in the first 10 minutes yes no you're right i don't know if it was 10 minutes, Dallas. I don't know. Might have been. But it's like, when I have fun, look, nobody complained about it. I'm just telling it. I don't like it myself. I don't have to.

I just, but my whole persona up there is what you would get if you're sitting with me watching the fucking news at a bar. And that's what you get. And so, again, I'm just self-censoring. But anyways, murdered. Fucking murdered. Josh, my opener, murdered. And he had some new stuff, which made me feel great.

His parents were there. You know, I closed the show with a throat cancer cunnilingus bit so that I meet his mother. Aren't you glad he hooked up with me? His father sounded just like Josh. Hey, how are you? Kind of a Norm MacDonald feel to him. Josh has glasses on stage.

He's like a different kid. I mean, anyways, great job. Thank you all. A great fan gave me a crumb bum shirt, T-shirt. Another guy, James, who I saw in Tampa last weekend. I'm getting nervous now. Wherever I do a gig, he shows up. I don't know if he's got a helicopter and plenty of money.

He's there every time. But don't think I forget about you, James. And some couple drove six hours from upstate New York. Another couple flew in from the middle of the country. And again, Mug Club well represented, thank God. So it was a Stella night and the great Dana Perino, the cherry on top.

Okay, and Dallas, this is what... Yeah, meanwhile, while you're in New Jersey, I'm in Winter Wonderland in fucking May. Yeah, Dallas shot a Coors commercial. Here is the... This is where Dallas was, filming stuff this weekend

while I was, you know, getting drunk and fucking around. Look how pretty, though. I know it's not pretty in May, but... Fuck no. I know. When you sent me that first clip, and like, no, I go,

oh, I got a pit in my gut and then what I did was um you know close my robe I was sitting on the porch in front of my house it's 74 degrees uh so that's what Dallas does so it was a killer weekend and I want to thank everybody I feel like I'm forgetting um oh Dana Perino happy belated birthday by by the way. I never even... That was like two days before the gig. That's all I got. Let's get on with it, I guess. Interesting, huh? Politically, Mr. Trump, oh my goodness gracious.

You know, he's like fucking the Rolling Stones. He's like Madonna. Remember Madonna had a million people over in Brazil or some shit? Trump is a politician. Let's not forget. He was in Snooki land. What does that mean? The same place I was, the Jersey shore.

He was 10 miles, I mean, two hours south in Wildwood, New Jersey. So when I came out, I said, I came out, I ad-libbed, and I, you know, that's how ballsy I was. I had, I felt so comfortable, I opened with a Trump impression, which mine stinks, but I did it. I go, I have a fantasy of him being down there right now going, when we're done here, we're gonna march up to Red Bank, peacefully, we're gonna march peacefully, and we're gonna go see this foul-mouthed Italian up there, Very funny kid. Not as funny as me. Very funny.

He's playing at the Count Basie Theater. And, you know, Count Basie was a very famous black magician. What's that? Musician. Magician, musician. Look, the blacks entertain. That's what they do. That's what I open with.

Oh, God. You can do that when you feel comfortable. Former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy warned the Biden White House should be concerned, that's in quotes, ahead of November, after Trump rallied as many as 80,000 to 100,000 supporters in New Jersey, what's being called the largest political rally in the state's history. Yeah, it's really hurting him, huh? That's fucking beautiful. That was extraordinary, McCarthy told host Maria Badaromo on Sunday.

New Jersey's not a place that people think Republicans would ever compete, but the size of the crowd, could President Biden get that crowd in the heart of New York or in the most Democrat state? Could he do it in California? The answer is no, Mr. McCarthy said. There's a clip here. I don't even know what it is. Oh, look at this.

Check out the crowd. It's like the Rolling Stones. Okay. And somebody took an aerial shot, you know, and it looks like the desert because it's a beach, and it goes fucking forever. And you want to question how many people he had when he got inaugurated? He was lying.

Whatever. Trump confidently, and tell me again how Biden won the last election. I don't want to lick my ass. Trump confidently said he would win New Jersey in November as the crowd erupted. Here he is. Here's a couple little snippets. There were a couple that came out this morning.

He brought up Hannibal Lecter and complimented Hannibal Lecter. Here's a snippet of what he had to say. We are going to officially play in the state of New Jersey. We're going to win the state of New Jersey. Day one, we will throw out Bidenomics and we will reinstate Maganomics. The first day that we take back the White House from Crooked Joe Biden, I believe we're going to have the four greatest years in the history of our country. Hey, everybody! We're all going to get laid! As you can see, today we're expanding the electoral map, Trump said,

because we're going to win the state of New Jersey. He said, I think we're going to win them all. All across. I do, too. All across. If he's not in jail. All across America. Millions of people.

So-called blue states are joining our movement as opposed to Joe Biden's bowel movement. That's what I threw in there. See, he would hire me for that line. I loved it. I can't say shit. Bowel movement. It's a good one. Yeah. See, he would hire me for that line. I loved it. I can't say shit, but I'm moving. It's a good one. Yeah, no, maybe not the best. I've come up with other stuff,

but that's pretty good for a kid. What do you do? You're a comedian. Not bad. I'm starting to get him down. Give me another year and a half when he's in jail. Anyway, he said they're joining our movement based on love, intelligence,

and a thing called common sense. Amen, Sister Cabrini. So that's New Jersey, folks. Yes, there are pockets of red, obviously. Red Bank, no pun intended. But, I mean, you know, Dana Perino lives a half hour or 25 minutes from the theater up the shore, down the shore, I don't know but I was looking at the breakdown of that town

it's called Bayhead or something like that literally 97.9% white it's a beautiful place and let me tell you, there's black people who own houses on the shore too, and they're Republicans a story I didn't give you is Lawrence Taylor came out at this rally, and him and Otis Anderson, two former giants. Lawrence Taylor went up there and said, I was a Democrat all my life until I met this guy.

You got Lawrence Taylor. You know how much weight that carries in New York and New Jersey? Seriously. Trump's like, now look, I know he fucked a few underage, but I'm in my own trouble. I'm sorry for trouble. Yeah. Did I finish the story? No, not yet. Before I do, second half of the show,

folks, I'm going to tell you about two things that happened on two different college campuses that are going to have you shaking your head in disgust. So that's exclusively on Mug Club. So you got to go to nickdip.com, nickdip.com to sign up for Mug Club. And boy, were they well represented this weekend,

both in Pennsylvania. I didn't thank the Pennsylvania Soul Joels. Great gig. Soul Joel himself, the guy that runs it, tremendous guy, tremendous room. It's indoors. I like it way better. And thank you for a great turnout there.

Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. McCarthy said during the Sunday segment, there was another poll out there that showed independent voters by 53% believe a second term of the Biden administration would be a greater harm to democracy. I don't know how that number's up, 99%. And, of course, I'm missing a sound effect.

That's all right. Advil. Because all of this is backfiring, this persecution of President Trump, going after him because of politics. No one in America believes President Trump would be in a trial today if he was not running for president. And that is the truth. Amen. McCarthy, I think he should be happier now. He doesn't have the headaches of being the House Speaker.

But then again, it's all about power and pussy. You know, like comedy. What? No, I'm married. Don't worry about it. Let's move on, shall we? Month of May, 10... Oh, I just...

Speaking of Biden. Pause. Folks, I just pulled a Biden. I just read the fucking reading directions. Month of May, 10-minute read. 10-minute read? What is that? Oh.

I'm going, this commercial's 10 minutes old? This is great. I shouldn't be fucking around. In honor of National Military Appreciation Month, Mug Club recognizes the courage and patriotism of those who have served or are currently serving in our armed forces and would like to do something to thank them. For the entire month of May, Mug Club will be donating, and this is a lot of money because

it's growing, will be donating 10% of all new subscriptions to military charities. Man, does Crowder have his shit together? Along with that 10% donation to military charities, Mug Club is also offering $10 off for all new subscribers throughout May. So not only will you be supporting our incredible service members and veterans, but you'll also get exclusive access to my show, Louder with Crowder, the Alex Jones Show, Mug Club Undercover, the Hodge Twins Uncensored, Mr. Guns and Gear, and Brian Callen Show at a big discount.

If you'd like to support Military and the Mug Club Network, sign up today with promo code MILITARY M-I-L-I-T-A-R-Y Go to mugclub.rumble.com and don't forget to enter the promo code MILITARY. We thank

everybody for that, like I said, including Dallas people who have served and are serving now. And first responders, cops, and strippers. Delicious. All right. Let's lighten it up a little. We have you at politics. I saw this last night, and it kind of made me sad. Farewell and adieu. What do you mean? Susan, how would you say that, Dallas? Back Lenny. Back Lenny.

I think you're right. Probably German. Susan Back Lenny, famously known as the first victim. I thought that was Michael J. Fox. In the 1975 film, Jaws, in everybody's top 10, has died. You know who I'm talking about? Folks, we'll show you the clip. Yeah, show that picture right there.

First of all, she was in her 20s. She was a swimmer. That's why they hired her. She was a knockout. Again, they turn into men. But, you know. Can you imagine, though? She's come and gone from the earth.

When we all saw her, she was in her twilight. It really is, but I think we should. Farewell, and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies. Farewell, and adieu to the ladies Spanish ladies. Farewell, ladies and Spain, for we've received orders for the sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we

see you again. Her husband of 30 years, Harvey Swindoll, said the death was very unexpected. I hit her with a monkey wrench. I thought it would just stun her. No. That's horrible. Very unexpected.

She died at the California home on Saturday morning from a heart attack after seeing Newsom doing so well in Nepal. She was 77. She looks a little like Keith Richards there. I don't know. No, Ozzy. But God bless you, honey. She was so good. She was the most amazing person I've ever met in my life,

and I've never loved anybody like her. Her husband said... I love you for helping me to construct of my life Back Lenny earned the role of Chrissy in Steven Spielberg's film not only for her enviable looks but also because she was a nationally ranked swimmer I love you because you have done so much

She didn't have to race guys with Dixon who had worked as a mermaid I did that in high school and animal trainer after graduating from high school in 1964 I didn't want an actor to do it I wanted a stunt person and animal trainer after graduating from high school in 1964. I didn't want an actor to do it. I wanted a stunt person because I needed somebody who was great in the water, who knew water ballet, knew how to endure what I imagined was going to be a whole lot of violent shaking, Spielberg recounted.

Let's take a look at just a few seconds of that original scene that stunned everybody. That looks like my wife wearing St. Martin. She dropped a bracelet in the water. She panicked and was looking for it. God, that was terrible. All I can say about that scene is delicious. Thank you.

Back Lenny described her... I keep wanting to say baccalini and making her italian back lenny described your own words how they captured that that scene that moment in the water this is pretty interesting what they did was there were some pilings about 50 yards out on the beach and they ran cables all the way from the beach out to the pilings in two shifts, and then they put me between the two pilings, and they had guys on the beach, about five or six on each cable, she explained. We marked lines on the beach, and they would pull me right to the edge of the frame on either side. So she would stay in frame, and the guys just ran back and forth from mark to mark. Think about that and where the technology is today. There's a fifth grade kid who could recreate that scene. Unbelievable.

But you know what, Ms. Bacalani? We're going to make you Italian. Rest in peace. You had one of the best scenes in one of the greatest movies ever. Bye-bye. I thought that was a nice send-off. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? Hey, for those of you guys on Mug Club right now, stick around for the second half of the show, this show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com.

Join to get my full show, The Great Stephen Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And do we have any dates? Is that it for now? That's it for now. There will be more coming up. I have word from Tommy, my manager,

that we're looking at Jacksonville, a theater in Jacksonville, and one in Duluth, Georgia, in August. So jot those down. I think those are going to come to fruition. All right? All right. Hi.

Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out I smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else

I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna to live my life like everybody else And I don't want to be destroyed like everybody else And I don't want to get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else I see you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else

Baby