The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump IS Jesus | Nick Di Paolo Show #1378

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the next Mother of the Year, Biden's Attack on Religion, Judy Gold and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Oh yeah, how are you folks? Welcome to the Nick DiPaolo Show. I am now part of Mug Club and happy to be getting the fuck away from big tech. Go to NickDepaloShow.com to join me and get the full version of today's episode, ladies and gentlemen. How you doing? Great to be here Monday. Coming at it from the great state of Georgia. I don't know. Can I just say right up front, hey, Red Cross, I'm never giving blood again, okay? I gave you blood. You sent me 71 emails a fucking week, okay?

You want platelets. You want, you're asking for shit I don't even have. Tomato paste. I don't know what you, leave me alone. I did you a favor for christ's sake and i knew the minute the guy said give me your email can you just do a transaction please can you just and and this leads me into i went into guitar center okay yes i changed my own strings but sometimes i get lazy and i need the fretboard cleaned i don't know how to play guitar. I'm a hack. What, am I going to join a band on a Lipitor commercial?

Guy's in his 60s in a fucking garage. I go to a guitarist, and I said, I need new strings, and can you clean the fretboard? Okay, what's your name? Right away, I get aggravated. Maybe I shouldn't at that point, but I do. What's your email? Biting my tongue now.

Why do you need that? I already see Red Cross in my head. And do you have an account with us? I shop here. Do I need an account? I don't want to date you. I don't want to take you to lunch. Just fucking take my money and give me my service.

Then he goes, home address. I go, why? I was nice up until that point. Why do you need my home address? He goes, that's just policy. I go, yeah, but that's what he said. And I go, but why? Now he gets a little tone, which you shouldn't.

I'm the customer. To this point, I'm still right. I haven't dropped an F-bomb on you. Be nice. It's got black fingernail polish. Yeah, okay, bass player making $11 an hour. You fucking... Dude, he goes,

dude, I go, why do you need my home address? It's a simple transaction. Dude, what if you die tonight? What do I do? I go, you call my cell phone because you already took my cell number and my wife tells you the address. He didn't like that. Well, you don't have to do it here, man.

You know? That's what he said. You don't have to fucking, you know, because a kid this age is used to this shit. You used to go into Radio Shack, you could spend 10 grand, they'd give you this shit and a receipt. You go, bye-bye. Not that I'm plugging Radio Shack.

But, fucking A, don't get at home with me, that's all. And then I get home, what makes me even fucking more angry, my wife agrees with him. She goes, because they took possession of your guitar. Okay, even if that's true, he has my fucking phone number. You know what I mean? Even if that, I get mad at her because she agrees with it.

Well, life doesn't have to be this complicated. I don't give a fuck about the internet. You know, whatever. her because she agrees with it. Well, life doesn't have to be this complicated. I don't give a fuck about the internet. You know, whatever. Anyway, she agrees with him. So I kick her on the stomach. No. Anyhow, it just makes me nuts. And I'm not going back there for anything.

There's a little mom and pop thing right next door. I'll go to Portman's or whatever the fuck. Maybe the kid was just doing his job. But my wife says it's like when, what's his name, Hunter left his laptop. There's a whole thing. When you take possession of somebody's shit, you've got to have an address.

Okay, but I'm not fucking Hunter. I'm not the son of the president. I'm a dickhead trying to learn the first two notes to fucking, you know, Born to Run. Pick your song. All right, let's get to the goddamn show, shall we? What do we got going on today? Mother of the Year. I have to be careful. I don't know what I can show, what I can't, when it involves cops and black people, because, you know, we're still under

watch. I don't know, whatever. Anyways, a New York woman claimed a rough arrest by New York State Police caused her to miscarry in her third trimester. But the shocking allegation has come into question after the department released the body cam footage of the incident. Remember, cops didn't want to wear this shit. Thank God they do now. Right? Remember cops didn't want to wear this shit?

Thank God they do now, right? Quashia. Again, folks, you guess. That's right, Amish. Quashia Orinchak, who was six and a half months pregnant, accused the agency of body slamming her on the hood because she'd be from the hood. Now listen, she forgets they have the cameras on, too. Remember that, people who hate cops?

They have cameras now. Of the cruiser, they said the cops slammed her on the cruiser during a March 20 traffic stop arrest in Binghamton just hours before she rushed into an emergency C-section and delivered a dead child. I'm sure you're pro-choice. You can't be that upset. Oh, for the love of God.

Oh, I'm fucking around. Anyhow, here's her. Once again, another example of black people who were so scared of the cops. They pulled her over and she took off. Go ahead. Go ahead. Let me see your hands!

Let me see your fucking hands! Let me see your hands! Open this window! Hands up! Open the window! yeah really slammed her there they actually have video later of the cop. Well, she's in the crew. I didn't give it to you, Dallas. She's in the cruiser. And he goes, I realize you're pregnant. I'm here. Your health is in my hands.

So anything you need, you let me know. She's like, yeah, I'm fine. Gets her a bottle of water. Gives her the water and and if you're so scared of the cops, why do you take off? Can I ask people? Irish, Amish, I'm just dancing all around the motherfucker. The nine minute video begins with the arresting officer who was not named Yankin Orinchuk out of the driver's seat after troopers forced her car to stop because she fled their efforts to pull her over. I'll say it again, and I've said it a million times, I'm not the only one.

Every one of these tragedies where an unarmed black guy was shot by a cop, bring up whatever one you want. I can't even count them. Everyone could have been frickin' avoided by complying. Every fucking one, from George Floyd to Flip Wilson. 1973, he was at a Camaro in Malibu. I made that one up. After Orinchak asked for something to drink twice because of her pregnancy,

what's the kid a fucking alcoholic? The officer walks back to her car and retrieves her water bottle, which he then holds for her as she drinks. Boy, if that's not police brutality. I wouldn't even do that for my wife. It is unclear how Ornchak, that's not true, I love it or don't. You know that, kids, I kid. Hey, I'm missing a tooth still.

It is unclear how Ornchak was handled by police after she was put in the back of the cruiser. Oh, I'm sure they beat the living shit out of her and smacked her on the stomach with a billy club. Who's writing this article? That's what you're going to learn from this show, how to read and pick up fucking lib horseshit. The expecting mom was charged with drug possession and fleeing an officer and transported to Broome County Jail, where she was found unresponsive six hours after her arrest. Why? You're a loser.

No, no, no. You'll always be a loser. Seems like a good mom. Ornchak was rushed to the hospital where the child was pronounced dead from trauma upon delivery, her lawyer claims. State police stated, this is more of the story, they are not to blame for the unborn child's death and said in a press release that quantity of fentanyl

and methamphetamine was located, it says secreted. Secreted. I can't. Secreted. I go, how do you have a past tense of secret? Secreted. Oh my God, it's over for me.

I'm good verbally, folks, believe me. It was secreted in Orrin Chuck's body. How do you... Okay, no wonder why I was confused. How could it be secreted in your body? In a bloodstream, you mean? Anyways. Your mom goes to college. Not this one.

Again, another story, folks. Another story. Black people say they're so afraid of cops. I've yet to see one that is afraid of cops. My late great friend, Greg Zook, who passed away, my best friend literally a little over a year ago was a cop in Miami for 30-something years, said he had never met a black person who was afraid of cops.

Not one, he said, from 14-year-old kids to, it's a big lie. Anyways, I'm just saying she was lying. Nobody slammed anybody into the goddamn car and caused the miscarriage. And you know what? If they're wrong about this and they lose that case, that lawyer should be disbarred for taking the case. She should be flown to a, you know what? If they're wrong about this and they lose that case, that lawyer should be disbarred for taking the case. She should be flown to a, you know what, the worst Russian jail in the world, Turkey. The one with a guy in Midnight Express over there in Turkey.

I always bring that one up. that one up. Anyhow, by the way, folks, in the second half of the show, I'll be talking about Greg Abbott's potential pardon of a cop who shot a BLM protester because, well, you'll see. And SNL, as much as they're not funny, I thought they hit it pretty good. They had portrayed Trump as Jesus. Again, they would never do that with Muhammad during Ramadan put that aside it was a funny sketch and there's also some trans violence I'll be talking about

against our swimmer the hot blonde from Kentucky something gains I'll look it up later anyways I'll be talking about second half of the show it's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdapaloshow.com.

The devil made us do it. Did you read about this? The Catholic Archdiocese. Look how I say that like I've actually been to church. Did you go to church, Dallas, on a regular basis? When I was a kid, Church of Christ, yeah. It was terrible. Church Christ?

Church of Christ. I love the names. Yeah, I know. Church of Springsteen. Yeah, Church of Christ. I know. I know. I went, and my father used to yell from bed.

My mother would wake us up on Sunday and go to church, and he would yell, go to church or you're going to hell. And he wouldn't go. And I go, why? I said, you're not going to church. You're going to hell. He goes, I'm already married. I'm in hell.

True story. I was in about sixth grade. That made me laugh like a son of a bitch. And then my mother, this is the final straw. She hit me with a wooden spoon. I didn't want to go, and I just busted over my forearm. I didn't even blink. Then she knew I was too big for that shit.

I could get her in a naked choke. The Catholic Archdiocese for the Military Services is accusing Walter Reed National Military Medical Center of denying Catholic service members and veterans their right to practice their religion after it canceled a contract for pastoral care and issued cease and desist order to a community of Catholic priests just days before the Holy Week, of course. I am like God and God like me. He is as large as God.

He is as small as I. He cannot above me nor I. I give you faith. The latest 17th century. I don't know what that meant. Really doesn't sound like something. You're going to tell me Biden's administration isn't involved with this. They hate folks.

Just remember this. And again, I'm not a big religious fanatic. I don't know what happens when you die and all that. That might be blasphemous to say, but I'm just saying. All I know is veterans should get everything they ask for and more, especially when it comes to religious shit. The Catholic Archdiocese says in a statement that Walter Reed issued the order against Holy Name College Friary. Am I saying that right? Friary. A Franciscan community of priests and brothers that has served at the center for nearly 20 years.

So it's been fine up to this point. But guess what? That's a hell of a hat. I don't like that look. Instead, it says the contract for Catholic pastoral care was terminated at the end of March, just as Holy Week was about to begin. I'm sure that's a coincidence, too. Walter Reed replaced the contract with a secular defense contracting firm,

I'll repeat, secular, meaning non-religious, I think, that the Archdiocese says will not be able to provide the adequate care needed. I'm going to find out what the hell happens here. You better, bitch. While the Archdiocese acknowledged that the chaplain's office said Catholic care is being provided during Holy Week, it said that without Catholic priests, service members and Cub Scouts, no, and veterans are being denied their right to be touched. No, their right to practice their religion. Certain central Catholic practices such as the celebration of mass and the administration of confession. I don't like, I did that one. I don't like.

I remember the first time I went, what are you in fourth, fifth grade? It's so scary. Yeah, put me in a closet with a guy who's known to touch people. Put me in the dark. I remember the first time I went, what are you, in fourth, fifth grade? It's so scary. Yeah, put me in a closet with a guy who's known to touch people. Put me in the dark. I'm fucking, I'm ripe. I'm about fifth grade. And the priest slid the window open. I said, can I get a quarter pound of cheese, large fry? Come on, cocksucker. Whoop, and he slammed the window shut. My mommy yelled at me. Can only be carried out by an ordained Catholic priest. Oh, baloney. In a statement on Saturday, Walter Reed himself, no, said the center is welcoming and healing environment that honors and supports a full range of religious, spiritual, and cultural needs. You're going to shut it down right before Ramadan? Yeah.

Huh? I'm going to find out what that is. Will you shut up? Will you? Will you please shut up? All right. Currently, a review of the pastoral care contract is under review to ensure it adequately supports the religious needs of our patients.

Listen to all this horseshit. And beneficiaries, the statement said. Although at this time, the Franciscan diocese will not be hosting services on Sunday parishioners time, the Franciscan diocese will not be hosting services on Sunday parishioners of the diocese, while patients at our facilities may still seek their services, whatever the fuck that means. All I know, it's been working fine forever. Why are you touching it now? Why? Because they are evil. That's the one thing I got from the Bible. I never read the Bible. Let me ask you a question. Is it wrong to use the Bible to prop up your iPad when you're jerking off at a hotel?

Even Dallas couldn't laugh at that. That was too dark. What are you doing, leaving me out here to dry? I need you on that one. No, but you forgot the Mormon bit. The what? You forgot the Mormon bit. What's the Mormon bit?

You said it was a Mormon Bible, so it's okay. Did I say that? Yeah, yeah. When I originally did it? Did I say the Mormon Bible? Yeah, yeah. Doesn't really matter, though. Yeah, you're right.

Mormon Bible. Hey, how the fuck? Look at this. I'm getting the real one put in, so if i look like a hillbilly again they made me do this the day i moved to georgia remember that will you uh and um yeah so i i how can you deny it's just with with biden in office it's just so obvious how much and he pretends to be a catholic and shit you know then he's in ireland right now wasn't there a bomb threat yeah the northern alliance or northern ireland uh i guess they busted up a bomb threat or something yeah

so they're behind by. Anyway, I won't say it. I hope he's all right. See the sincerity in my eyes? Anyways, let's move on, shall we? Judy, Judy, Judy. Was that Cary Grant? I think so.

I think so. Either that or it was one of the Osmonds. Judy Gold is a friend of mine. Dallas, I love you that you picked this story. Judy Gold, if you don't know who she is, is a stand-up comedian from the Boston area, from the New York area, as New Yorkers they come. She's about 6'3", about 240, and she's a lesbian. And one angry, and you know how I don't have, I'm not a fan of the angry lesbian, except this one. She is genuinely funny. She, you think I'm, people say I'm angry on one. She is genuinely funny. You think people say I'm angry on stage?

She makes me fucking look like Stephen Wright. This broad is pissed off around the clock. Maybe it's because she, again, 6'4", 240. I call her gronk. I do. I call her fucking gronk. And she's genuinely funny. But she's a left winger. She's got a wife.

And they adopted a kid. All that horse shit. Why is that important to this story? I'll tell you in a few seconds if you relax. Judy Gold is horrified by how comedians are being treated right now. That's as pretty as she gets. Can I just say, Judy, I love you. You know that.

I actually told her she was pretty once. Again, it was the first time I had tried fentanyl mixed with a six-pack. No, you who. The stand-up comic veteran interviewed young comedians for her current off-Broadway show. Yes, I can say that.

Everybody's got a show now. Kat Timms got a book. You can't joke about that. Ba-bing-da-bing. Makes me think I'm going to sit down and make all your books look silly. Yes, I can say that, which is presented by Primary Stages at East 59th Theater. Who gives a rat's tits? And I was shocked to discover that they are being censored. Are you shocked? Are you really? You're shocked? They told me, this is Judy talking, they told me that in order to get stage time, she's loud and obnoxiously funny.

In certain clubs, mostly in Brooklyn, they are not allowed to broach certain topics or use certain phrases. She exclusively told Paige, that's Brooklyn. That is the home of the devil right there. Brooklyn. Okay? the home of the devil right there. Brooklyn, okay? That's where the PC, where the hipsters,

where the jerk-off whatever generation who eats up this shit. Kat Timp was performing the England Day. Somebody dumped a bottle of water over her head and shit. I mean, why you go there is beyond me. And that scares me the most about the future

of stand-up gold, decried social media's tendency to bring up comedians' jokes from five or 10 or 15 years ago. The world was a different place, Judy says, back then, and the words have different meanings. She explained it's like being in a bad relationship where someone's constantly bringing up the shit you did 10 years ago. That's every fucking broad I've ever dated.

But here we are. We are in a really precarious, that's a big word for her, situation, she said. My vagina's angry. Oh, of course. It is. It's pissed off. The daytime. She won an Emmy?

My vagina is. Hey, shut up, Judy. It's pissed off. The daytime, she won an Emmy? Mother Janet is. Hey, shut up, Judy. The daytime Emmy winner, 60, said comedians are vitally important for democracy because we do speak truth to power. Gold added, we do engage with people and connect with people. And some comedy is just silly and funny.

But some comedy, you get a bonus where it makes you think or makes you see the world through someone else's eyes. Even a 6 foot four, 240 pound. We have to listen to the comedian's intent, you pine. You don't listen to a word and then decide. I'm not listening to the rest of that thought. You're shutting. You're shutting. You're closing down. You're putting your hands over your ears, basically. Jewel-coldness. Yeah, she is. What she didn't mention is she's a hardcore leftist Manhattan liberal, and political censorship,

any censorship isn't coming from the right, Judy. It's coming from the monster that you helped build. I'm sure you weren't cheering people on when they were saying faggot and everything else, which comes under the umbrella of unpopular speech so just you know I love you Judy I'll get in a box ring with you to prove it uh she'll drop me like a fucking used rubber trust me um but you can't you're like Bill Maher you lefties are finally smelling the coffee because it's coming home to bite you in the ass it It's finally touching your lives. Hey,

what are you censoring us for? I'm just saying the way you voted for the last whatever, what are you, 86? Last 12 elections. You helped create this. And again, censorship doesn't come from the right. Maybe the Christians of the 50s had problems. We all know that's not the problem. No. You know, don't say the N-word. Don't say that. I'm done. Yeah, no N-word, no J-word, no C-word. I'm down to a Q and a B.

Anyways, that's all I got to say, Judy, about that. That's all I got to say. Oh, by the way, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. Everyone else, go to nickdepalashow.com and join to get my full show, also Crowder Show, and more. And while you're there,

get tickets to see me live in St. Louis on April 21st and 22nd. That would be at the Funny Bone. Why wouldn't they put that in the plug? Daytona Beach, Daytona Beach Resort, May 12th. And Arlington at the Draft House in Arlington, Virginia, July 14th and 15th. All right?

All righty. guitar solo Outro Music