The Nick DiPaolo Show - Trump Talks Deportation | Nick Di Paolo Show #1565

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about 45's Deportation plan, Hope, a Pap Slap and more!  Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Oh yeah, how are you folks? Welcome on a Monday. Excuse me. God damn it, cigarettes, a lot of them in Tampa. Fucking cocksucker. It's Daryl Burgess disease. Hey, I want to thank everybody that came out. Tampa, mother of God. Two standing ovations. So I guess I brushed the rust off pretty quickly. Outstanding crowds. Oh, look, they bring me gifts. It's my second knife in a couple of years. They think I'm Puerto Rican, these guys. No offense. Florida Association of

Hostage Negotiators. For those who make the call. I didn't know you use a knife when you're in a hostage negotiation. I mean, the guy holding the hostage. What are you guys throwing? I see him in the window of the bedroom. Very nice. NYPD, honor dedication, blah blah, office of... This is a beautiful one. These will all spill out and I get pulled over. Beautiful one. These will all spill out and I get pulled over. I thought, yeah, Jacksonville Police. And then Department of Justice.

All kinds of gifts and shit. I mean, honestly, I love going down there. Killer, killer crowds. Thanks to the club. And what else? Carla Quinn's got a special. I'll speak in a comedy call. Our Time Is Up. He put it on YouTube a few days ago. And he did it in front of a, like a psychiatrist convention,

psychiatrist convention at some place in D.C., some big theater. So it's all shrinks in the crowd. Wow. You'll see why we love this guy and how smart he is it's a different level of stand up it's just a different level half the shit wouldn't fly luckily in drunken comedy club audiences at midnight he's just so fucking smart he churns these out once a year

because he's just so dedicated to his craft please watch it you'll fucking love it Boston Bruins I should have pulled up the clip, but it will get flagged in the first half of the show, I think. Those goddamn Bruins were up three games to one, just like they were last year against

Florida, only against the Maple Leafs, who we've owned this year. And somehow they blow the next two games just like last year. Game seven in Boston, just like last year. This one goes into they're down by uh it's one nothing late in the game eight nine minutes left in the game the they Toronto scores we come back like a minute and a half later and tie it on a ridiculously lucky

shot that found its way through now we're going to fuck it over time and by the way without Jeremy Swaim and the Bruins goalie, none of this is possible. Listen to this, Dallas. You'll appreciate this. He faced a 182 shots in this series. Yeah. And he

stopped 173 out of 182. Or it was 187 out of 190-something. Anyways, in seven games, you only let in nine total. And they would have fucking been dead without him. Even in game seven, they were getting outplayed. I don't know what the fuck's going on,

but Pasternak, the coach before the game mentioned, the day before the game, mentioned our big guys aren't stepping up, and he mentioned Parsonak by name, which coaches never do. And that fucking Parsonak, he was doing nothing the whole series. Over time, about three, four minutes in, somebody from the Bruins shoots a puck from like center ice all the way into Toronto's corner.

It ricochets out. It looked like a set play. It looks like a set play. It looks like something you could practice. Meanwhile, here comes Pasternak. It's like saying go long down the sideline. Pasternak going 100 miles an hour. Nobody sees him.

Puck comes out. He picks it up right in front of the net. On the backhand, waits for the goal. He falls on his stomach and flips it. The fucking place goes. It is the best spectator sport in the world. I don't give a shit. You're holding your breath on every shot. It's fucking insane.

Anyways, enough about that. Blee-blah-blah-blah. I got more. I don't know. Huh? Oh, thank you. Look at this. This is a billboard

somewhere near Pottstown, Pennsylvania. Plugging my show. There's two shows, I should say. Friday night at Soul Joel's, 7 and 9, 30 p.m. Hope to see you there. Then the next night, Red Bank, New Jersey, baby. The big one. Then I can relax for a while.

And I'm doing Jesse tonight. I don't know if that... Yeah, you guys, whatever. So that's it. Enough of that horse shit. Then I got a little fun weekend myself. I don't know if that... Yeah, you guys. Whatever. So that's it. Enough of that horse shit. Again, that... Then I got a little fun weekend myself. Oh, I'm sorry.

Fucking Dallas... Dallas... He doesn't like the meat in the supermarkets. So he goes out this weekend and hones his skills. He's killing the tin man. Can you tell he's in the military? But what you don't know is the mark is literally eight feet. Nope, fuck, they're going to show it.

There it is. That would have been funny. See the black one? That's what he's hitting. Wow. Don't fuck with this guy. And if that's not enough, he says, put me on a golf cart. I'm hungry.

Fucking pulled pork. This poor bastard. Yes, sir, I do. Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. You got to rub in. Ding-dong. Good shot.

All right. Love those Texans, man. I want to go. Texans. Oh, that was a black guy from Philly. All right. Good weekend. Not a bad recap. Killed half the show. I love it. Let's get to it. Maybe if I turn this fucker on. Can you tell I haven't been here? Come on, baby. Work me. um come on baby work me here we go 45 is deportation plan uh that will be trump donald trump has vowed to deliver the largest mass deportation effort in american history if

he gets back into the office next year targeting millions of illegals uh migrants across the country i think it's just i think it's just shows progress that we can talk like this, you know? All right, get up! Yeah! Here he is. Bowing millions and millions, which is not sustainable, of people coming into our country through the southern border. And many, many really bad ones, okay? Many bad ones okay many he was

the best guy around security you're gonna destroy Medicare you're gonna destroy the fabric of the country it's not sustainable it's not affordable by any country and they're gonna destroy our country so we're gonna have the largest deportation in the history of our country, we have no choice. Yeah. Can you imagine that? You can hear the libs' heads exploding. Racism, Hitler, xenophobic, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Look, folks, this is a plan, by the way. It's right in, I don't know if it's rules for radicals, I always say this, but it's in one of the steps how to destroy the United States. One of them, or any industrialist country, overload the safety nets like Social Security where the legals and the economic system will collapse. It's right in their fucking rules, Marxist rules. It's just what's going on.

The 45th president has frequently spoken about his deportation agenda and recently indicated in a Time magazine interview, this still around, that he would leverage local law enforcement, the National Guard, the Eagle Scouts, the Boy Scouts, and the fucking Girl Scouts, since half of them have dicks, and the military to carry out his plan, similar to the Dragnet-style sweeps of Operation Wetback. Back in the day when you could say beautiful stuff like that. Under former President Dwight Eisenhower, I love it, that shipped more than a million migrants out in 1954,

Eric Rourke, Numbers USA's director of research, and boy, does he look it. Jesus Christ, what a prophylactic that vest is. You'll never get anybody pregnant. Holy fucking moly. He told the Post there's probably between 15 and 20 million. That's way low, by the way. I'll tell you right now.

Tucker Carlson will tell you that's all. Given the number of people we've seen coming over, Rourke said, contrasting with the official estimate that they've been using since I got out of college. I've been hearing 11 million illegals for the last 30 years from the U.S. Census Bureau. Total horseshit. Eight have come in that we know of under a fucking jerk off. Joe. So Tom Holman, former acting director of ICE under Trump, said a lot of this is going to be up to Congress. We need officers. We need detention beds. We need transportation contracts. But we would have more flights heading out of the country and more bus removals down to the border home instead.

We would still prioritize criminals and national security threats first. That would be the Biden administration. They are the most dangerous for the country, he added. But I would say no one is off the table. If you're in this country illegally, then we will remove you. Who the fuck do you think you are? John Feer, former ICE chief, staff under Trump said ICE already has the capacity to detain more migrants than are currently being held under the Biden administration. Fear argued the statement department could use the section 243D of the Immigration and Nationality Act, INA, to issue visa sanctions against countries that refuse to take back their citizens.

Yeah. And money talks. And that's how Trump does everything. And that's how it works. You're not going to take your criminals back, all the shit you sent over here. We're going to put sanctions on you. And then they, remember, they need us when it comes to money. They need the United States more than we need them.

So it's disgusting. Anyways, second half of the show, more evidence that the Biden administration, what they say in public as far as Israeli versus Hamas is way different than what they're doing policy-wise. We'll show you an example of that. Another trans woman athlete ruins a bunch of biological female dreams over the weekend in track. It's just, I can't think of a big douchebag. It's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com,

as we say in Boston. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Dot com. Hey, Mark. I remember I was on the road for, this is going back 20 years.

I was on the road for six weeks. It's the longest I ever did. I was single. It was great. I was on the West Coast bouncing around. Then I went back to Boston to do a gig and I forgot the accent. Kid comes up to me in the lobby. He goes, hey, Nick.

First of all, in the headline, he shows me a lot of respect. He goes, I'm going all my headline shows me a lot of respect he goes I'm gonna take a wicked piss is the bathroom fire Is the bathroom fire Let's move on to more Trump news you notice he surrounds himself with smokers Which you think feminists would love him for, right? No, because they don't like pretty women. There's still hope. The most gripping testimony on Friday came from former Trump aide Hope Hicks. Hicks testified. She's a 14 on a scale of two, by the way. Hicks testified about an email she sent to campaign staffers regarding the infamous Access Hollywood tape in which Trump boasted about being able to

grab him by the pussy and it's the reason I voted for him. I'm not I'm not condoning that shit, but I've tried it unsuccessfully And I'm not famous enough apparently I got a nice gin and tonic right in the face Followed by the boyfriend's beer bottle right here. Not so much here followed by the boyfriend's beer bottle right here. Not so much here. Boasted about being able to sexually assault. Deny, deny, deny, Hicks wrote in regards to questions of the tape's veracity.

So anytime she was told to tell people under her, anytime they were asked about it to, you know, say, no, no, no, that didn't happen. Yeah, but he said right after. Look at my boobies. She also recounted telling the Wall Street Journal that it was absolutely, unequivocally untrue that Trump had sex with adult film actress Stormy Daniels. She made that statement at Trump's direction, she told the jury. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, who we know is a professional liar. He lied under oath and who paid Daniels 130 grand to keep quiet about her alleged affair with Trump

as a rogue employee. Hicks called Cohen a rogue employee. Get this through your head. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. Boy, she sounds like Pesci. He liked to call himself a fixer or Mr. Fix-It

and it was only because he broke it first. I love that she said that. As Trump's lawyer began the cross-examination of Hicks, she began crying, as chicks will do. Leading Judge Juan Merkin. Look at him. What a smug piece of cheese. Nice herby haircut. To dismiss the jury and call for a short break. Well, you know why?

Because she's so smoking hot. If that was a fat pig working for Trump, he would have been like, walk it off, fatty. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tap. Perfect, director. And she's smart enough to work on a fucking whiteboard.

I love you because you have done so much. You want me to believe that she poops? I don't believe that. I just don't believe that. You have done it without a word. Like I said, like an 18-year-old Pam Anderson, strawberry yogurt comes out. Sprinkles already on it. Delicious. You have done it without a word. Like I said, like an 18-year-old Pam Anderson, strawberry yogurt comes out. Sprinkles already on it. Delicious. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all. And Annie's got that other one, Habib or whatever the obby doby, the lawyer now. Trump is, of course he is. He was the king of New York.

New York was the center of the universe. Literally. New York City. This motherfucker was... He's got his name on all the... You're not gonna... I saw Marla Maples, one of his wives. I think they were married. I saw her in person in New York.

I was at something she was at. I don't know why. To this day, I can't remember what the fuck it was. Saw her out on the sidewalk about to get into a, you know, an SUV, whatever the fuck. I can't describe. As hard as that brought. Insane. Anyways, what I'm trying to tell you is I get the same pussy doing comedy. Okay, a coat check girl with a patch over her eye and a hair lip. Let's move on. Do you guys remember my boy Jonathan Papelbaum? Bond, not bomb.

Papel Bond. Do you guys remember the reliever for the Red Sox back in our glory days, 2004, who threw smoke? I think he went to the Phillies after us. But just a animated motherfucker who brought heat. I'm still looking for that guy. Pap slap, I'm calling this. Former ML pitcher and current Nessun analyst Jonathan Papelbaugh didn't hold back about his feelings on ESPN talking head Stephen A. Smith, who's just a loud mouth. Look, I met Stephen A. Smith, and yeah, he's just, look, ESPN woke. He's the face of it.

Although he pretends to be conservative, and he might be in his politics more than you'd think, but he takes himself way too serious, always hogs the microphone. And again, and I did a show with him and three other comedians, and he wasn't. and again, and I did a show with him and three other comedians and he wasn't he got his panties in a bunch when I mentioned the Celtics beating the Knicks or something, it's so funny he took it like personally, he's a New York guy

anyways, Papelbon was firing back at Big Mouth Smith for comments the noted hot take artist made on First Take that's the show, this week where Smith criticized Mike Trout over a meniscus tear that the Angels star has suffered. The comments were not well received, but Papelbon took it to another level,

labeling Smith a racist, which is so refreshing. It's just refreshing to hear. As well as xenophobic and a fake person. I wonder how he's voting. He said he wanted to do this to Smith. I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. Hey, take it easy, Pep. He was a fucking maniac.

When he went to the Phillies, I think it was right after the Red Sox, somebody on the Phillies and a big name player didn't run out a ground ball. He hit a ground ball to short. Didn't run hard to first base. He was in the fucking dugout. And they were face-to-face. He was screaming at him. I like that type of shit. But here's a

video of Mr. Papelbaum. I bet you he looks like every guy I got in a fight with when I was in my 20s in Faneuil Hall and I was drunk. That's that face. They hated my face. The minute they saw me, they were usually Irish. I don't know what he is. It sounds German. I don't know. But they always had the blonde and they hated my Italian face. And if they were as drunk as me, I would end up, sometimes I do. Otherwise,

fucking skull would be like, dinner wish I was big just once go ahead papal bun when he makes these kind of comments he really does not know what he's talking about in all honesty and that's why he makes such asinine comments because he truly doesn't know always injured I mean damn it's baseball maybe it's karma for him that he stayed with the age when I was in Philly, okay? Pause one second. There's a lot of other reasons to get mad at Stephen A than that. I mean, sorry, I'm almost with him on that one.

You know, first of all, Stephen A knows how to play the game. He knows how to get clicks, right? He knows how to play the game. He's great at it. He's a loud mouth on ESPN, and they always put him in these argumentative situations, and he's good at it. He's a loud mouth on ESPN, and they always put him in these argumentative situations, and he's good at it. He's like Ali.

He yap, yap, yap. But I've found a lot of other things he's said over here that I get pissed at other than this. I mean, Trout, obviously, you can't help getting injured, but that guy looks like a tank, so it is surprising. You know what I mean? You can't blame him for that, but I'm just saying. All right.

I think this was probably after you got there. When I was in the Philadelphia clubhouse, we had a traveling secretary, Frank the Tank. Well, I got this conversation with him about Stephen A. Smith one day. I said, well, how come he never comes in the clubhouse anymore? And he says to me, he says, oh, no, we had to kick him out of the clubhouse. I said, oh, really? I said, y'all kicked him out of the clubhouse? I said, well, why, we had to kick him out of the clubhouse. I said, oh, really? I said, y'all kicked him out of the clubhouse. I said, well, why did y'all kick him out of the clubhouse?

And he proceeds to tell me that he was doing all kind of shady shit, like going through the manager's office. And when he wasn't in there, going through the training room, pulling out reports and all kind of places he shouldn't have been. So for me, I've always looked at this guy like a complete joke. That's not what the game needs, Papelbon said while appearing on Follow Territory on Thursday. Everybody wants to tune in to the media. I get it. But at the end of the

day, you have to be responsible for the shit that you say. And unless ESPN holds him accountable for the stupid shit that he says, guess what? He's going to keep doing it. I challenge ESPN to do something about it, he said. I challenge ESPN to either fire him or cut his pay or do something about it. Because honestly, nobody wants to listen to his shit because everybody knows that it's just for likes it's just for followers he really doesn't actually know what he's talking about there's just another idiot who doesn't know what the hell he's talking about very refreshing at least and again i'm not a thousand percent on board with that but uh and by the way stephen a sm Smith fired back the next day. I'll give you that if, I'll give you that if, if you're on Mug Club, and those of you who are, stick around right now.

You'll get the second half of that story and the second half of the show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show along with Stephen Crowder's full show and a whole lot more. And while you're at nickdip.com, you're going to see this weekend, Friday night, Soul Joles, Pottstown, Pennsylvania, May,

I mean, excuse me, 7 and 9, 30 shows. And then Saturday night, the very next night, the beautiful Count Basie Theater, May 11th,

Red Bank, New Jersey. And I'm doing Jesse tonight to give it a plug, hopefully. I never remember to. Hi. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. That they hand me down And make out I smile Though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all I've done

Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else

And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else I see you singing, what are you? I'm not like everybody else