The Nick DiPaolo Show - Uncle Joe And Fire Lake #145

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Hair Comes Biden. Trump Makes Another Border Threat. Chris Rock Weighs in on Smollett.

Though April showers may come your way, they bring the flowers that bloom in May. I have no regrets Because it isn't rain and rain, you know It's raining violets We'll be right back. Welcome to the show on a Monday. Streaming live. YouTube, Facebook, you know, the shit that matters. We'll do it live. The people that hate me, you know. We'll do it live.

Fuck it. Do it live. I'll write it and we'll do it live. The people that hate me, you know. We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I'll write it and we'll do it live! You're goddamn right we will. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. Enjoy? You know you want crazy motherfucking walk, man. Shut it,

Keith Robinson. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore! How are you, folks? Back from St. Louis, Decatur, Illinois. Great weekend. People came out. They know the show. It's growing like a big malignant lump.

Gotta love it. Thank you for coming out this weekend. Tremendous weekend. Standing ovation in St. Louis. Partial standing ovation in Decatur. Full standing ovation in St. Louis. Partial standing ovation in Decatur. Full standing ovation in St. Louis. I love these people. I haven't been there in a while, and my God, they came out.

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Do it. We thank InfiniteCBD for sponsoring the Nick DiPaolo Show. Yeah. Oh, I got a guest. Who is it today? Let's see. I got a couple of guests. Holy shit.

It's Dirty Uncle Joe. Look at the smile on him. He's got apparently a paralyzed model grabbing his cock, and life couldn't be better for Dirty Joe. You remember Uncle Joe, the one afraid to cut the cake? That's a line from a Bob Seger song, Fire Lake. Guys, I know you're young and don't know what I'm talking about, but it's a reference.

Actually, it's a reference. You know, he was the one afraid to cut the cake. That's implying that he was gay, because when you cut the cake, you're married. And then he ran off to Fire Lake, which can be a gay place somewhere in Michigan that Ryan's probably visited. Or Fire Lake, when you sin in the Bible, where do you go? The Lake of Fire.

And that's where Dirty Joe Biden's going. Get rid of that, guys. I told you not to. Thank you. Should I take the face off? Keep it off him. You can't show my fucking horrible work. Ryan, come on, laugh it up, will you?

Jesus Christ, you're dumb as a bag of hammers. There you go, you little girl. Nice haircut. When's the figure stand competition? Tuesday? Guy's got ice capades written all over him. Here's a nice picture of Uncle Joe. And it's a multiple choice question about this picture. What is Joe Biden saying in this picture? A, Uncle Sam wants you.

B, pull my finger. Or C, smell my finger. Because he just came out of a meeting with a couple of young interns. Dirty Uncle Joe. This guy did cut the cake. He likes broads, and I'm mixed on this one. I don't know where to come in on this one, okay? Hashtag me too is, I think we can all agree, even some feminists agree that it's way out of hand. Guy's being charged 400 years later for looking at a girl's tit. So it's getting a little ridiculous.

But on the other hand, Joe Biden, we have a lot of a lot of pics of him. This guy. There you go. He likes to sniff hair. No, look, it's like a pro commercial. Oh, so soft and manageable. That looks like, the top left-hand corner looks like that beautiful, who's the fucking Latina actress I'm thinking?

Oh, come on, fellas. I depend on you. Eva something. Thank you. Eva Longoria, fellas. Nice going. You're off to a good start. That's who it looks like, but I don't think it is.

Is it? I think it's that woman Democrat who ran for some office in Nevada. And anyways, and then on the far right, he's sniffing the, it looks like he's sniffing Wayne Gretzky's mom's left or right.

You're right above a Nevada girl. It says behind her, Nevada State Democrat. Yeah, that's her. That's her. That's her. She's the one who got Joe in trouble. She wrote an article saying, he put his hands on me, and then he was sniffing my, and gave me a long kiss on the back of my head,

which is what mafiosos do before they shoot you in the head. And the guy's a tad creepy. Now he's headbutting a woman on the lower left. And then Pelosi, what he's doing there, he's not sniffing her hair. He's trying to see if the skin on her face is real. That thing is pulled tighter than a condom over a pumpkin. Look at her.

Do we have more pictures? This is evidence. Look at this poor guy. Is she playing the flute? Bottom left? Is that what I sent you? The broad's doing a flute solo. And Uncle Joe's licking the wax out of her ear.

And then he's got the little Asian girl. He's like kissing her on the top of the, I don't know where to come down on this, okay? I mean, Jesus H. Christ. Look at the girl in the top left-hand corner. She's like, get your filthy, creepy Uncle fucking Johans off me. And that girl in the top middle is being double teamed. That's what we call a, people call it a threesome. I call it a tri-semester. And yeah, and then the top right, he's got his hand around the girl's waist.

Definitely, look look here's how i feel okay uncle joe is from that generation touchy feely and shit but he's also probably 70 years old or close to it let me tell you something i'm 57 you get hornier as you get older you brush up against somebody's ass on the subway, you almost get fucking hard. He's doing a lot more than that. Filthy Joe Biden. So I don't know what to, you know, I mean, I don't, he's a little on the too touchy side, in my opinion.

And I'm not just doing politics here. I'm just saying. And what it's going to do is castrate him because he's going to run in 2020. And you get all these young broads, I mean women, I mean chicks, who are running for president because of the hashtag MeToo movement. This is considered dangerous shit. I don't care.

Look, I lean right. I don't give a fuck, but he's helping them push him out of the race. They're like, all these pictures show that you're out of touch. And he's like, no, I'm touching. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm in touch.

I'm touching everything. Pull my finger and sniff it. Uncle Joe, the one afraid, he's going to Fire Lake. There's no fucking doubt. Joe Biden's history of unwanted touching threatens to put woman voters off. Jesus Christ.

Raping me. This is rape. That's one of his interns back in 1997. An allegation that Biden inappropriately touched a Nevada state lawmaker is renewing questions about his appeal to broads slash women slash chicks if he seeks the democratic presidential nomination the former vice president here's what i love about this he helped create this environment with all his uh you know he passed an act anti-violence act against women which we're all for i can't believe we have to pass an act but he created this stifling environment now it's biting him in his wrinkled old ball bag uncle dirty joirty Joe. The former, excuse me, talk about chilly.

The former vice president's decades of vacillation on abortion rights and his handling of the Anita Hill sexual harassment allegations against Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court confirmation hearings in 91 were already serious vulnerabilities. Look at, he goes, he's pointing, he goes goes look at the tits on the girl from cnn uh anyways crowded field of democrat rivals that includes four chicks slash broads in the u.s senate he can't sniff the uh what's her name ilhan omar you can't sniff her hair uh, what's her name? Ilhan Omar? You can't sniff her hair. She's got a hijab on.

He's going to peel it back and just shove his head in there. Shut the fuck up before I peel your head back and shove my dick in there. Jesus Christ, you're about as funny as pediatric cancer, Ryan. Put on your headphones like a white boy, will you? Thank you. The new accusations raise questions about whether Biden in a general election contest would strike a weak contrast with Donald Trump, who has faced multiple allegations of sexual misconduct towards women, you know. She got schlonged. He liked to grab pussies. Who doesn't?

Raise your stinky left hand. We know Hillary grabbed a lot of pussy at Yale. The 2020 presidential race is the first to occur after the explosion of the hashtag MeToo movement, which swept record numbers of broads into public office last year. And as they sure sign, the country's in deep shit. Nick, you can't say that. I just did.

Fuck you. Nevada Assemblywoman Lucy Flores wrote that she felt demeaned and disrespected when Biden touched her off stage at a 2014 rally. He leaned. This is her quote. He leaned further in and inhaled my rally, he leaned. This is her quote. He leaned further in and inhaled my hair, she wrote. I was mortified. I thought there was three lines of coke on the top of my head. No, I just.

He proceeded to plant a big, slow kiss on the back of my head. She said my brain couldn't process it because I'm abroad and I'm scared. No, Nick, don't say that. She said, my brain couldn't process what was happening. I was embarrassed. I was shocked. I gave my hand job. I was confused.

Flora said he made her feel gross. And she wanted nothing more than to get away from Joe Biden. Like a lot of the... That's her? She looks different in every pic. You know, I can't blame Joe for that. That hair looks a little greasy, though. Look at the top of her head.

What, did a pigeon shit on it? But nice full lips. Nice sexy birth dot on her face. But Joe's a dirty, dirty old man. But Vice President Biden believes that Mrs. Flores has every right to share her own recollection and reflections, and that it is a change for better in our society that she has the opportunity to do. Well, Joe, if you keep saying that, then what you're doing is you're confirming her beliefs about you. So you're cutting your own bag off,

and you don't need to do that. You have a bunch of lesbians in the damn party that want to do that for you. I'm only kidding about the lesbian. Look, have you ever seen him happier? Look at those teeth. He's got a model who's dying of cancer.

You can tell she's gone through chemo. Still has the energy to give the old ball bag a punch. I got some super chats. Yeah right now stupid you you got no feeling ryan whatsoever let me finish the story unless they're really big ones people who know biden best he added are speaking up to say he's always been a champion for women in his office well what does that tell you that's like going you, you know, Fox is always a, the animal the Fox always likes to guard the chicken house.

And of course he wants broads in his office. You think I wanted the twinks? That was my first choice. I had my eyes set and I was going to adopt two Asian girls in their late teens. I came up with these two guys from Westchester. Biden, who co-sponsored the 1994 Violence Against Women Act, has long had a reputation as an affable politician who's quick to smile and put his hands on people, even up their dresses and down their dirty panties.

Biden's behavior struck some as disturbing. At a Senate swearing-in ceremony in 2015, Biden whispered into the ear of a senator's teenage daughter what he was saying. Hey, are you a cheerleader? I heard you're a cheerleader. You know, if you send me a pic of you in that cheerleading outfit, I'll send you a pic. It'll make Bill Clinton look like a eunuch. And he kissed the side of her head, an interaction that a conservative writer described as an lecherous elderly man creeping on an underage girl.

Dick Haraputlian, a South Carolina State Senator and avid Biden supporter, says, we've done threesomes many times. I was riding shotgun for this pig. No, he says he's a hugger. That's just the generation he comes from. And that's his, you know, Bill Clinton came from the Senate.

He used to like to hug women until they blew their rape whistles. Oh, put that away, will you? I'm just having some fun. Put away that whistle. It hurts my ears. He's a hugger. You shouldn't read anything into it, Mr. Harpatullian said, other than he was doing what he has done to me, to my daughter, to my wife, to Barack Obama, even grosser. Of course he hugged Obama.

He probably sniffed Obama's hair because remember what he described Obama when he first learned he was running? He's clean and articulate. Who doesn't want to smell a clean guy's head? Two of the Democrat contenders campaigning in Iowa on Saturday. Warren of Massachusetts and former housing secretary Julian Castro, who I think is very light and is pointy-shoed, pointy shoes, told reporters they believe Flores. Of course they did, because they're running for president. And right now, Biden's leading in the polls. So he, of course, they're going to shit on him. Joe Biden needs to give an answer, Warren said.

Oh, is that right? Warren said. Oh, is that right? Joe Biden needs to give an answer, said the titless wonder from Massachusetts, who is just... If he runs Biden's mixed record on abortion in his 36 years, a U.S. senator from Delaware will pose no small challenge. Biden, who is Catholic, that's why he doesn't like abortion, voted to restrict and expand abortion rights over the course of his career. Oh, no. In a 74 interview, listen to this. This is the one that's going to do them in, folks, because I can tell you the feminists are at the core of everything. In a 74 interview with the Washingtonian, Biden criticized Supreme Court Roe v. Wade ruling that the legalized abortion nationwide. I think it went too far, he said.

I don't think that a woman has the sole right, and I'll say that again, I don't think that a woman has the sole right to say what should happen to her body unless it's in bed. What? Did he really fuck a... That one's going to kill him. That one's going to cut his little sack off. And the Senate, he voted in 1982 for a proposed constitutional amendment that would have effectively overturned Roe v. Wade. Oh my God, again, another fucking...

By giving states the right to outlaw abortion, and he voted to ban federal funding of abortions. He's toast. Because he's an old white guy. You can't say shit like... By the time... You can't say shit like by the time you can't say that if you're a young white guy by the time he ran for president in 2008 biden was vowing to protect roe versus wade which shows he's a true politician he's do does what's politically

politically expedient he holds his stinky finger in the air to see which way the wind's blown and he built a voting record largely on supporting abortion rights, but he also voted to ban certain late-term abortions, which, whatever. Senate Judiciary Committee during the Thomas, remember the Clarence Thomas hearings? He did a horrible job, apparently, even he said, of defending a, what's her name, buggin' Anita Hill, who was just a liar anyways,

in my opinion. Anyways, the woman from Nevada, Flores, suggested there should be zero tolerance for a man who persistently invades other's personal space and makes people feel uneasy and gross. Oh, for Christ's sake, he sniffed your hair and he gave you back of your head a kiss. Don't act like he finger popped you behind the fucking podium. In this case, she said, it shows a lack of empathy for the women and young girls whose space is being invaded and ignores the power imbalance that exists between Biden and the women he chooses to get cozy with. Blah, blah, bleep, blah, blink, blink, blink.

But he also defended you broads. So but the timing is bad, Joe. The timing is bad. Hashtag me too. You know, and then 19 pictures of you sniffing different heads. Just not a good look. Super chats, Ryan. Bunny Galore says, this is not a hashtag me too thing.

He is notorious for it. This will make a feminist head explode. He has been inappropriate for years. F him forever. Oh, come on, Bunny. Now you now you can't i mean men are just being friendly you know how many heads i sniffed when i was at the mall i used to wait at the bottom of the escalator and girls would come off i go how you doing then i'd buy them their first bra oh that's creepy next chat anything neelly from Philly says,

Nick, what would Uncle Junior say about Uncle Joe? Uncle Junior, he'd go, oh, for Christ's sake. He didn't do anything wrong. That's what Uncle Junior would say. He goes, broads are everywhere. And I don't think he did anything wrong. Only he'd be much funnier than that. I don't know.

Any other? This just in. As of two hours ago, a second woman has accused Joe of inappropriate touching from Connecticut and the political fundraiser of 2009. Is that right? From Connecticut? Probably Dick Blumenthal's wife, that lying jerk off from Connecticut. It might be Laura Ingram. She's from Connecticut.

Amy Lappos, 43, told the Hartford Courant on Monday that Biden pulled her close to him to rub his nose while she was working at a fundraiser for U.S. Representative Jim Himes. Rubbed her nose? To rub noses with her. Oh, so she's an Eskimo. Or rubber nose and shit. oh she had a rubber nose was she wearing her glasses and a rubber now they're coming out of the woodworks you know why here's the other point i want to make okay this is coming on the heels of the kavanaugh hearings so sniffing somebody's hair or rubbing their nose looks really looks like nothing after you can accuse a Supreme Court member of fucking gang rape.

So this is looking a little bit silly. Yes. It wasn't sexual, but he did grab me by the head, Lapo said. He put his hand around my neck and pulled me in to rub noses with me. When he was pulling me in, I thought he was going to kiss me on the mouth now you are hoping you are hoping we know you broads love this and just thank uh bunny for pointing this out to us bunny thank you for pointing this out to us i will rub noses with you uh when you Skype him. There's more to the story, folks. Uncle Joe, how you doing? You're getting a little bit of a handjob over there.

Nice. They asked Bernie Sanders about it. He said the former Vice President Joe Biden got a little help from his unlikely opponents in 2020 Democratic presidential race. Bernie Sanders said that's a decision for the Vice President to make. He said this on Face the Nation when asked about the allegations that if they disqualified Uncle Joe, he said that's a decision for him to make. I'm not sure that one incident alone disqualifies anybody. Now, I have to say this because, as you know, my campaign, when I ran for president a couple of years ago, many girls were groped. They were fingered and they were licked on the neck. I didn't know much about it. I was busy out trying to make the case, but I'm sure myself and Joe Biden will do better.

Now I'm heading to Vermont to tap a tree for maple syrup. I'm the only Jew up there who likes maple syrup. You know, Uncle Joe, he's the one of us. What else is going to, of course, Sanders is going to say that because his whole campaign was dirty, apparently. And then, you know, we already heard about John Hickenlooper, who we talked about last week, the former governor of Colorado, who recently jumped into the race, called Biden's actions very disconcerting. You remember Hickenlooper? He's the one. Yeah, he's the one to judge anybody about sexual.

He took his mother to a porno flick. Remember that? We talked about that. He's a sick fuck. You fucking hypocrite. Yeah, exactly. Your mom's a whore? Your mom's a whore?

Very disconcerting. Please. Do you see what's happening on the bigger? Look at the bigger picture the feminist movement has had enough of men running the planet do you understand i've been saying this forever they're the most insidious operation out there they don't if they could have it their way there wouldn't be a set of testicles anywhere near the presidency do you see it this is going to be so it trump has to be sitting back belly lapping.

One of the only things they had on him is saying he used to like to grab women's pussies. Now all this shit is coming... Apparently, Trump used to like sniff different hair than Biden. That's the... You know, but I'm so confused. Oh, you know who weighed in? Senator Amy Klobuchar. That's the broad from Minneapolis.

Echoed Warren in an appearance on this week on Sunday. She said she has no reason not to believe Flores. Why? Did you think it over? No critical thinking? Oh, that's right. She has a vagina and tits like you used to, and now you're going to fucking side with her. And it helps you for the race. You're not going anywhere. You treat your staff like shit. Everybody knows it. I think if you asked a lot of the women on your staff, you gave them a choice. They'd say, I'd rather have somebody

sniff my hair than yell at me for making bad coffee. That's just my opinion. So, Ms. Klobuchar, for whatever it's worth. But here's what, it's not over yet, Ms. Klobuchar, for whatever it's worth. But here's what, it's not over yet, folks. This just came in this afternoon around 1.30 Eastern time. Lucy Flores, Biden's accuser, you know what she says?

She'd still support Biden over Trump. That's what she says. You need to shut the fuck up. What does that tell you? You just disqualified yourself. Sexual harassment, you're saying it's disqualifying, but you hate Trump so much, you'd still vote for him. So you just ruined your whole argument. You really weren't that, but you know why? And I've been saying this, liberalism, it's a religion to them. They put it before everything, before babies being aborted, before being sexually harassed. They have to walk lockstep with the party.

She just said, I'd still vote for Biden. So everything you've said earlier, nobody gives a shit about. I guess you weren't that traumatized by it. She told CBSN anchor Tanya Rivera, that's not even a question. Of course I would support Biden. I wonder if there was a follow-up question, like, is that because you vote the same way as he does?

But at the same time, Flores personally believes Biden's actions are disqualifying. You can't have your dirty cake and fucking eat it too there. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So enjoy. Flores isn't satisfied with Biden's response, saying he fails to acknowledge that such behavior is inappropriate, period. Screw you, creepo. Make up your mind there, Flores. Miss Flowers. Maybe he was smelling the flowers. Am I right, Jason? Stop and smell the flowers every once. Indeed. You are correct, sir. Over the weekend,

the wife of former Defense Secretary Ash Carter, that's a man, Stephanie Carter, wrote a Medium, that's a publication post, after social media re-upped the image of Biden touching her shoulders and leaning into her ear during the former defense secretary swearing-in ceremony. Many interpret the photo as an instance showing Biden behaving inappropriately, but Stephanie Carter insisted otherwise. So there's a broad on Biden's side. Flores says Carter's media post is still entirely in line with everything she's saying because what matters most is how such an interaction makes the recipient feel. Well, she just told you

it didn't bother her, although the look on her face says otherwise. Look at him. I've heard of smelling babies' heads and shit, but she says she wasn't bothered by it. So what I have to say to Ms. Flores,

maybe all the recipients of Joe's creepy behavior didn't make them feel the way it made you feel. Maybe some of them were starving to be touched. Most of these politicians are banging their interns and they don't touch their fucking wife. So don't assume all women feel the way you do. Okay? Okay.

Hey, don't forget Cameo.com, folks, go to cameo.com, click on my profile, and for 60 bucks, I will create a little video message, you can send it to people you hate, people you like, I can be nice, I can be mean, I did a ton of them over the weekend, people are loving this, I can tell your next door neighbor, he's a fat asshole to quit being nosy. I can tell your ex-boyfriend he's a pencil neck and you want nothing to do with him. Or I can say happy birthday to your crippled aunt who was wounded in the French-Indian War. Any of that. Go to nickdip.com.

Click on Cameo. Fill out the information. Write the message you want me to deliver. And within 48 hours, it'll be delivered to whomever you want for a measly 60 bucks. And the rates are going to go up because everybody's even people who do this go, you should be charging more. I get five stars. I'm like a great Uber driver. I get five star ratings. By the way, I took Uber for the first time. You go, why would be the first time? Because I have a car and I didn't need Uber.

I didn't need taxi. I used to drive into New York City. Didn't need it. When I was in fucking St. Louis, I took an Uber, okay, to the gig and made the mistake of telling the driver who was East African that I was a comedian. And he went on to tell me his favorite comedian

was Mr. Bean. I guess he missed Mr. Bean. And he fucking tried to tell me 19 minutes of Mr. Bean jokes. And I didn't know who the fuck he was. I guess he missed Mr. Bean. And he fucking tried to tell me 19 minutes of Mr. Bean jokes. And I didn't know who the fuck he was. I couldn't understand him. Is that how it works? For five stars, they like audition for you. And listen to this. On the way home, I get a young kid. I can tell he's high the minute I get in the car. He's looking in the mirror and talking to me the whole time. Goes by. He was supposed to take a left he had a bang of fucking you he apologizes we get on the highway we're doing 70 miles an hour he's looking

the rearview mirror talking to me as he's talking to me in the mirror he's drift he drifts into the right lane and makes contact with another car next to us at 70 that car almost went off the fucking road the guy went but the guy we banged into, we, you know, touched. I guess he was like, fuck it. What are we going to stop on a highway? He took off like a rocket. And this guy appalled me eight times. And because I'm not a rat, I didn't fucking give him a shitty rating, but I should have because he almost killed me. I've taken a thousand cab rides in New York City, not one incident, not one fender, nothing. Second Uber ride, I'm almost killed on the highway in St. Louis. They really vet their drivers, don't they?

But I got to be honest, I liked it. I was, you know, I drunk, came out of a bar. How are people getting in wrong Uber cars? One woman got killed, a young girl got killed getting into the wrong car. Another guy, the woman we had on the show, her son. Remember? He ended up getting killed. But it sends a picture of the guy, his license plate.

I didn't believe this. They sent the picture of, it was Ed Sullivan. I could tell this guy was up to something. Anyways, my buddy Chris Rock is in the news. He was at the NAACP Image Awards. That makes me laugh. And was told not to do any Jussie Smollett. Well, here's what he said.

They said no Jussie Smollett jokes. Yeah, I know, I know. What a waste of light Yeah, I know. I know. What a waste of light skin, you know? You know what I could do with that light skin? That curly hair, my career would be out of here. Fucking run in Hollywood. Come on, that's another racist cracker. Yes, no, no, no, just...

He looks good. What the hell was he thinking? From now on, I ain't never gonna... No, just... You're Jesse from now on. You don't even get the you no more that you was respect you don't get no respect from me what was he thinking and i love you chris i talked him on the phone a couple weeks ago for a half

hour what was he thinking he was thinking like you that uh the country's racist and and uh trump supporters are all racist they hate black that's what he was thinking and in a country where other people have pulled a million hoaxes and and a lot of them fucking work that's what he was thinking don't act like we don't know why he did it but uh you look good rock you look younger than when i met you god damn it Looks like a million bucks. But the other point is, you don't tell a comedian not to do anything. If they said, Chris, do not piss on the stage, that's the first thing you do when you get out there. That's in the DNA of a great comedian.

You're telling Chris Rock, telling Chris Rock, who's been speaking about race for years, some of the stuff I agree, he's gone off, gone after black people. That's why I fucking like him. He makes fun of everybody. But you can't tell a comic. I had, I was doing a gig with a late,

great Geraldo. We were doing Villanova and they come up to us right before the show and say, don't do any priest molestation shit. So when I got up there,

well, you know, I did a couple jokes that weren't related to that and they went kind of mediocre. So when I got up there, well, you know, I did a couple jokes that weren't related to that and they went kind of mediocre. So what did I do? I kept hearing the head, don't do any,

went into seven minutes of priest joke and it ripped the tits off the crowd. And I'm on the stage and I see the lady walk over to Geraldo who booked it

and she's like all angry with her arms crossed. And they were going to hold the check on us. But how can you tell a guy like Rock, who lives by getting his laughs talking about race, not to bring up one of the biggest race stories in the last 10 years in our country?

That is just hilarious. So like a good comic, he went out there. I don't get the part about lights getting curly here, Chris. You're not going to run Hollywood even if you had lights getting curly here. Come on. You have to, you know, have a Yamaha and a Mercedes. What? What are you saying?

I got to call Rock and get his take on that. You know that Smollett was nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actor even though we all figured out his hoax in three minutes, which means he's a shitty actor? He lost out to Grey's Anatomy's, oh, Jesse Williams. And that's why, if it was Jesse Williams. While Rock lit into the Empire Act, the blackish star, Yara Shahidi, who the fuck is that, expressed her support for Smollett upon accepting the Outstanding Comedy Series Award alongside the ABC Comedy Series cast.

I stand with Jussie, she simply said, while accepting the honor because she's just a dumb racist who will agree with anything that any black people, I guarantee you she's with OJ. I just accept it. Why? I don't have to answer why. It's the same reason I voted for Obama. He looked like me. Nick, how do you know

that? I know that. But don't tell a comedian not to do anything. Ladies, speaking of black women, this made me laugh so hard that i almost fucking fell in the kitchen this morning um i don't know who this this is just somebody online and it made me laugh so tired of the blatant disrespect you niggas have when it come to women in their periods

like oh you're not bleeding out your mouth though like your mouth work nigga yes i fucking do but do you think i feel like sucking a damn dick when it feel like somebody pushing me in my fucking stomach and I'm bleeding out my vagina, nigga? No. No, the fuck I don't. Like, I want you niggas to be bleeding out your fucking dick and I be like, you can eat this pussy, though. You can eat this pussy, though. That shit gonna get annoying. A period is protection from you horny ass niggas who always like to whip your fucking dick out.

Give me a break. Act like all my hoes are bleeding, nigga, because I need a break from your horny ass niggas who always like to whip your fucking dick out. Give me a break. Act like all my holes are bleeding, nigga, because I need a break from your horny ass. Oh, my God. She was starting to sound a little bit like Sam Kinison there. Yeah, she was. Samantha Kinison. Oh, my God.

It made me laugh because I remember making a joke. My buddy dropped me off at the airport in L.A. 20-something years ago, and I was going home to see my girlfriend. Longer than 20. When I first moved up to L.A. by myself, and my buddy goes, and again, I'm not proud of this joke, and it proves I'm a sexist, and my buddy goes uh and again i'm not proud of this joke and it proves i'm a sexist but my buddy goes what if she's what if she's having her period because i haven't seen her in months and i go she's having her period she's gonna be bleeped

from two places her mouth and her now come on joe biden would laugh at that but how funny was that, Brian? Maybe you should try white fellas. I had sex with a girl. I'm not big on that. You know, I don't have a period a long time ago, and I pulled back the sheets. I thought I was going to find the horse's head at the end of the bed. It was quite frightening, but that girl was very eloquent.

Quite frightening. But that girl was very eloquent. Pretend I'm bleeding from all my hole. That is so grotesque. I can't believe I laughed at it. That's gross. I should have that woman on the show. Do a super chat in between yeah go ahead fella all right so i got one from big bears hot takes that says don't tell a comedian not to say anything unless it's owen

benjamin lol sorry couldn't help myself love steve from boston well yeah, Owen got into deep shit. Yeah, you know, he puts it out there. He wanted it into the N-word a little too deep. And you can tell a white comic. But, you know, Owen Benjamin is still going to say it. Guys, you give me the dates and, you know, these are fucking, these aren't updated. Huh? Are you just lazy or stupid?

A little bit of both. I got one more for you go ahead so um brent s sent a super chat at the end of the last show last week on wednesday so this is him do you think super mario brothers is racist towards boston gindaloons we're doing a super mario fucking joke from 1989 and shit. I never, all I know is he looks like, yeah, he looks like a Guinea plumber, Super Mario. And of course it's stereotypical. You know, you wouldn't have Super fucking Tyrone have a giant nose and lips and shit. But I guess to answer your question, yes, but it doesn't bother us. We're adults.

But I guess to answer your question, yes. But it doesn't bother us. We're adults. Anyways, Friday, April 26th, I'll be at Steel Stacks in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, May 3 and 4, Sidesplitters in Tampa, Florida. Friday and Saturday, May 10th and 11th, the Governors in Levittown, Long Island. Friday, May 34th, Jonathan's in Agunquit, Maine. Saturday, June 1, Whites of Westport, Westport, Mass.

Saturday, August 10th, Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, August 16 and 17, Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. Saturday, October 19, no, that's fucking wrong. It's Friday, October 18. Come on, fellas. What the fuck? Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Friday, November 15, Cortland Repertory theater courtland new york and the new year's eve back of the tarrytown musical

tarrytown new york go to nickdip.com for correct information uh this just in we got a generous 100 from the real bambunga the real Bambunga. The real Bambunga? Dropping on the fucking C-note. What's he have to say? He says, get your bleach bottles out. Grab the stick of Jussie Fruit. The story's going to fool you. Move you up, move you out.

The lies are going to spill out when he opens up his mouth. Was that supposed to be haiku or something? It's supposed to be a song, I think, but I don't understand the beat. Is it a song or a poem? Maybe both. I'm not grabbing Jesse's stick, okay? I'll tell you right now. And as far as bleach, I ruined a pair of jeans, and I'm just not a fan.

I used bleach for one thing when we were trying to teach our dog. When it was a young dog, you're supposed to spritz it with the water. I used Clorox, and the dog listened so much better. I'm not touching Jussie's stick, but the lies will keep flowing. You notice how he hasn't even, since the ruling the charges were dropped, he's not out there. At least OJ faked it and

said I'm looking for the real killer. Anyhow, what's going on here? The White House doubled down Sunday on President Trump's threat to close the U.S. border with Mexico, despite warnings that the move would inflict immediate economic damage on American consumers and businesses, while doing little to stem a tide of migrants clamoring to entina i love articles like this maria sashetti i love how they give their opinion right in even though they give you all the arguments against trump's fucking move um i'm so i'm so fucking tired of it uh his trump on cbs news I am.

His Trump on CBS News. They don't stop them with closing the border. They'll close it and we'll keep it closed for a long time. I'm not playing games. The threat comes as the Department of Homeland Security says the number of undocumented immigrants in their custody is at a crisis level. Withholding facilities overflowing, mostly with families and children. DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen wrote to Congress that we face a system-wide meltdown and agents have been forced to begin releasing large numbers of aliens into the United States. She said her greatest concern is for the children, who are arriving sicker than ever before.

There are at least 6,600 families in custody and approximately 4,700 children. In El Paso, Texas alone, 32,000 migrants have made their way into the city this year. That's up from 30,000 in all of 2017 and 18 combined. But it's a manufactured crisis by Trump. He manufactured it, even though those numbers are real. He just, he's manufacturing. You know who's manufacturing this crisis?

The fucking Dems, because they control the house and they won't fucking pass any legislation like asylum. If you have a baby in your hand and you step on and claim asylum, we have to let you in until that magnet is changed, which it won't be because Pelosi and the scumbag Democrats need these votes so the Dems can hold on to power for the next hundred fucking years. They're the one

manufacturing the crisis. Trump, bring the goddamn military in. Never mind 5,000, bring in 75,000. And this is a fucking invasion. It is an invasion. This is un-fucking-believable. It's all planned. And again, we can't even bring up using lethal force. Okay, don't shoot anybody, but get the fire hoses out. Seriously, you got to be dog-styling me. But it's a manufacturing crisis. It's the worst they're releasing people by the busloads into El Paso. Oh, that's going to turn out well. Fuck you, Pelosi and everything you believe in and anybody who votes that way. Fucking idiots. Sealing the border with Mexico, America's third largest trading partner, would disrupt supply chains for major U.S. automakers,

trigger swift price increases for grocery shoppers, and invite lawsuits against the federal government. Oh, will it? Who cares? I'll pay $40 for a quart of strawberries. If it's going to make the country safer. Who gives a shit? Watermelon's going to go up a buck.

You've got to fucking weigh your priorities. Who gives a shit about the automakers? Fucking believable. First, you'd see prices rise incredibly fast. And then you'd see your daughter raped as she was going to the supermarket at 10 at night, added Nick. Then we would see layoffs within a day or two,

said Lance Jungmeier, president of the Fresh Produce Association from the Americas in Nogales, Arizona. Big deal. We'll pay the extra buck for fucking oranges and whatever they're picking. It's all going to be done by machine anyways, but let them come in. We don't have enough uneducated brown people flowing into the country.

Fucking kidding me. That's your excuse? Trump, you better step it up, man. Now you're disappointing me. Literally dropping people off by the busloads. Oh, that'll work out good. Two of the president's most senior aides nonetheless defended the move on Sunday. Yeah, they should.

Acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney said on ABC News this week that it would take something dramatic to persuade the president to abandon his border crossing plans. Here's Mulvaney saying some of that. That is a crisis. Why are we talking about closing the border? Because not for spite and not to try and undo what's happening, but to simply say, look, we need the people from the ports of entry to go out and patrol in the desert where we don't have any wall. We hate to say we told you so, but we told you so. We need border security and we're going to do the best we can with what we have. The Democrats will not give us any additional money to do this. They won't give us any additional people. And importantly,

they will not change the law that is acting as this giant magnet for people from South and Central America to come into this country. Faced with those limitations, the president will do everything he can. If closing the ports of entry mean that, that's exactly what he intends to do. See, if you close the ports of entry, then they're going to sneak in in other places. That's the Dems' argument. That's why we need a fucking wall. Duh. He's threatening to close the ports of entry, and he should. Oh, no, car prices are going to go up. We'll take our chances. We'll roll the dice. Jesus Christ.

Oh, you wouldn't say that if you owned a farm. I don't. Start hiring Americans. Oh, but they won't do the job. The fuck they won't. I saw three guys standing on the fucking side of the Deegan selling oranges today. They were black guys from America. I believe they would pick fruit uh a pentagon spokesman said the military which has about

5300 troops in the border region has not received orders um from trump as far as that goes uh yeah the u.s mexico border is a key artery in the global economy with more than $611 billion in cross-border trade last year, according to the Commerce Department. Again, put the almighty dollar ahead of safety. It's all a plan, folks. It's all a plan. I think it's in Rules for Radicals. I don't know. Or Stalin.

It's all a plan. You open the borders. Poor people pour in. They jump on the dole. They get on Medicare, Medicaid, whatever it is. And then they break the bank because the system can't support it. This plan's been in effect forever. And you're watching it play out.

Imagine if Hillary was fucking president and she won. Are you shitting me? You'd go in your kitchen this morning and get coffee. There'd be nine Guatemalans in there. Nick, that's an exaggeration. Maybe a little bit. But don't tell me

they have no more bed space and they're dropping people off and bustling. Don't tell me that's not a crisis. Please. The economic consequences of a complete shutdown

will be immediate and severe. Trade specialists said with automakers and American farmers they're going feel the pain blah blah blah where where where where there you go oh my god look at the guy on the right climbing up the fucking he's got another 400 miles before he gets to san diego hope you work your calf muscles malvani also reiterated the administration's intention to end hundreds of millions of dollars in assistance to the northern triangle that's the countries of guatemala honduras and el salvador so he's going to cut off aid that stop talking about it and and could you fucking please do it bye bye the three nations are the primary source of a growing wave of migrants including caravans of families with children who have been crossing the u.s border to seek asylum in an escalating humanitarian crisis and that's what it is but

again it's manufactured by trump democrats didn't believe us a month ago two months ago. That's what Mulvaney said. And, you know, it's a crisis, he said. So the fucking Dems better wake up. You fucking people. You have no idea how to defend a nation. Yes, we do. We can defend Mexico and Guatemala, Andar. Again, landmines. Not big ones. I know they were outlawed after world war one but fucking little ones just just take a foot off below the knee that's all but then that wouldn't work either because then you look out your window and your gardener would have a stump and people cleaning your pool be missing their hands and trying to get the leaves out with their

tongue anyways let's do some light news, shall we? Two Connecticut college students were reportedly knifed by a third while acting out a stabbing scene from a supernatural thriller, The Butterfly Effect, for a class project. These were actors. Actors. They were

rehearsing a play from this movie at a guy's fucking apartment, and there's a stabbing scene and this fucking psycho actually drama student Jake Washer, 21, allegedly stabbed the victims in the chest and back

as they were rehearsing the movie scene at the University of Hartford on Sunday afternoon. It reminds me of, remember there was an episode Is that him? He doesn't look crazy. Every psycho has a scab on the bridge of their nose and goes to super cuts. I mean, what the fuck? It reminds me, remember the episode of Cheers when they're doing a scene from a play and Diane, Shelley Long's character, like her ex-boyfriend Andy, Andy I think his name was, starts choking her on the plane.

He was an ex-convict. Drama student, yeah. He stabbed the goddamn victim. As they were rehearsing the scene at the University of Hartford on Sunday afternoon, the suspect was acting out a scene from a movie in which a person or persons get stabbed, at which point he began to stab both victims before fleeing on foot. When asked about it, he said, look, I'm a method actor. De Niro is a hero of mine. I studied with Sandy Meisner for 10 years. And you don't use fake knives. If you're going to do a knife scene, you use a real knife. Do you know one of my favorite movies,

Midnight Run, with Grodin and De Niro. There's a scene where they arrest Grodin and they put his hands behind his back and they put cuffs on him. De Niro got in a fight with Grodin. De Niro was a method actor. Grodin didn't want to wear handcuffs. He said, I'll just put my hands behind my back. They can't. And De Niro insisted that he wear the cuffs? That's a method actor. Oh, my aching stem. So anyways, one victim, 19, was critically wounded. They don't even say if it's a he or a she. That was the victims. After being stabbed twice.

The other was 21, seriously wounded after being stabbed multiple times. The reenactment took place in a campus apartment where the 21-year-old victim lived. Two hours after the stabbing, a cop spotted Wasker in the woods, according to The Current. He was arrested on two counts of attempted murder and some really bad acting. He's not going to get that Emmy nod.

The campus was on lockdown police search for wasker who was from the San Diego area you're fucking crazy the butterfly effect starred Aaron Kutcher as a college psychology

student whose life according to the New York Times has been marked by a series of blackouts surrounding traumatic events well so was mine Why are you making a movie about me? I had a show so bad one night I blocked it out for a year and a half. Again, thank you to you guys that came out in Decatur and St. Louis. I had a great friggin time my manager tommy was with me this guy's multitasking he's on the phone we're on the highway doing 80 at night it's raining i'm trying to sleep he's multitasking people get yelled at for texting on this one this guy's cutting and pasting and making posters and but uh he's gonna grab a room in Vegas. I mean, this guy doesn't stop. What do we got here?

Oh, we got the horse-toothed jackass, Ocasio-Cortez. What did she do this weekend? She spread more of her genius and her knowledge of U.S. history. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez incorrectly asserted that Republicans amended the Constitution

to stop former President FDR, that's Franklin Delano Roosevelt, from being re-elected, even though the motherfucker died before. Let's show a clip of the John Elway tooth jackass. See, they had to amend the Constitution of the United States to make sure Roosevelt did not get reelected. You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt. That was the head of the DNC watching her. Ocasio-Cortez was referring to the 22nd Amendment. I had to look this up, too, but I'm not running for office.

I'm not out there saying I'm the boss. to look this up too so but i'm not running for office i'm fucking i'm not out there saying i'm the boss um she was referring to the 22nd amendment which a republican controlled congress passed in march of 47 roosevelt died in april 12th of 45 hi she's a product of the uh new york school system that's what she is what is she doing in that picture right there? Is Biden under her skirt? Come here. I want to sniff your bush. Smells like head and shoulders. Yummy, yummy.

The 22nd Amendment, which was ratified by the states in 1951, declares, no person shall be elected to the office of the president more than twice, especially if you're a cripple. No. more than twice, especially if you're a cripple. No. No person who has held the office of president or acted as president for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected president shall be elected the office of the president more than once. So it's clear she doesn't know. Again, a product of our school system. She's the future, folks. She is the future. I wonder what she's saying today.

They're all ganging up on me. Okay, he died a couple years before that, but you know what I mean. I'm just saying. Dennis Larry had a good line about the FDR. We have nothing to fear but fear itself that and a staircase

Dennis gave him a good zing zing zing zing but Ocasio-Cortez I mean could you make any more bigger mistakes she's very cocky and full of herself again I like her spirit and naivete and again my wet dream is to run into her at a Starbucks And she's very cocky and full of herself. And again, I like her spirit and naivete. And again, my wet dream is to run into her at a Starbucks and I throw a steaming hot latte on the back of her head.

And then I kiss it like Joe Biden and go, I'm sorry. Yes, Ryan. I got some delicious super chats for you. Let them fly, motherfucker. So the real baboonga did another super chat, and he says, let's hire the new arrivals to build the wall. All participants get legal citizenship. Slow down. All what?

Let's hire the new arrivals to build the wall. All what? Go ahead. All participants get legal citizenship. No minimum wage, no deposit, no return. No, they don't get legal citizenship. No, they don't, and they're No, they don't. And they're still going to build it. Since we're paying for it, that would be a trade-off. Since the Mexicans

aren't paying, yes. Anybody comes in here. But you know what they have to do? Seriously, they have to join the military and defend this country. That's the fucking thing. Anybody wants to get in here, we'll let you get in here. You'll become a citizen after you do four years in the military how about that show us that you love the country joe how's it going you got off yet the romans used to do that i think it was 15 years of service to become a citizen or your children would be citizens you know what scares me that you know that that fucking scares the shit out of me or did you just make it up no No, no, that's real. 15 years?

15, 20 years. A really long time. Yeah, back then when they're throwing hatchets at each other and dropping anvils on their head and pouring hot oil. That would be a long time. Most of them didn't make it. Most of them didn't make it, exactly. They had an army of one, as we say. Not bad, Ryan.

Very impressed. Anything else? Yes. have won as we say not bad ryan very impressed anything else yes my mike rossi says nick what are your thoughts on the trump rally in michigan classic trump in my opinion i'm confused i watched one last week i don't know if it was yeah he was uh he was he had his chest out obviously because it was right after the mullet thing and he was like no he was fucking he was letting it fly it's just it's hilarious he just every bragging about as a compliment and then he said that's the one where he said they're gonna feed you more bullshit right is that the one we're talking about my i thought it was tremendous and yeah grand rapids michigan um yeah he was he was he was spot on i love after he makes a good, he turns around with his back to the camera. Yeah, no, he was spot on.

He loves those things. Do you understand that's what fuels him? He can't get enough attention. And then he points out the scumbag media again, and he tortures them. Sorry, my favorite president of all time sorry i know it's gonna bum a lot of you out i don't know why we don't like him because of his personality he's a braggart he's loud and he's boorish exactly like no other president ever i like when i remember they interviewed a black kid on the street jesse waters did and he and this is before trump got a

lot he goes yeah man i like trump because he's a white guy, got a lot of money, and he ain't ashamed of it. Fucking loved it. Yes, sir. I got two more. This is from Patrick Dorr. Patty Dorr. Hey, Nick, if your DNA test says you're more English and Irish than Italian, I have to

side with Johnny Cochran on the validity of DNA tests. That's right. Yeah, you might be right. A lot of people saying these are bullshit. I don't know. All I know is I fell asleep in my mother's house and I woke up, my sister was swabbing my cheek with a toothbrush. Next thing you know, I'm a half a Brit and half a Mick. I don't know. I don't know who's doing the analysis and shit. You know, I look like, look at me. I might as well have a fucking ravioli for a head.

So you might have a point. I have one last question from Timo, a question I would love to know the answer to. Yes. Nick, would you rather a blowy from Ryan or Caitlyn Jenner? Oh, for Christ's sake,

that's a trick question. Let me look at Ryan's mouth. He's got a pretty mouth for a kid. I have to go with Ryan. I've seen Jenna's teeth up close. He still has man's teeth. Ryan's got a cute smile, and I like to knock it off his face with my ball sack. Does that answer the question? Hey, that is it for today ladies and gentlemen I'm saving this one for tomorrow uh team Trump overruled dozens of security clearances and that's it's some whistleblower said

but uh we'll get to that tomorrow and again thank you to uh Decatur Illinois and to St. Louis for coming out. I had such a fucking great time. I got drunk Saturday night after the show and almost was killed in an Uber. Anyway. Am I forgetting anything? Cameo.com. Go to Cameo.

I will send you a video. You tell me what you want me to say. I will destroy or I will be nice. Whatever you want. People are liking it. It's like mini roasts, but you have to give me a little information. I'm trying to find a happy medium. Some people give me nothing. Yeah, my buddy Bill's got a green shirt on and he's fat and that's it. You know, and then other people are like, he went to the University of Columbia,

graduated with a PhD and he drives a Volvo and his dad was a... Take it easy. I'm not doing a book report. Just somewhere in between. 60 bucks. It's a fucking blast. I just lay there on my couch and go, listen. And I do need the money. Look at this shirt. Anyways, that's it. Remember, you guys, you think it, I say it. You're very welcome. i'll see a lot of you on patreon big changes coming up in the show i will probably announce towards the end of the week as far as scheduling and stuff because this thing's growing and we're gonna put it on steroids real soon all right talk to you later We'll see you next time.