The Nick DiPaolo Show - Voters Give Lizzy the Axe | Nick Di Paolo Show #1258

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

Liz Chaney out. Biden signs another big spender. Inflation Reduction does opposite. IRS will still go after middle class. Monkey pox porn star. Phi Beta Kicka.

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How are you, folks? Welcome to the show on a filthy, what is it, Wednesday already. Great show tonight. I'll tell you, great show, Ed. We got Tom Bosley from a very funny new show called Happy Days and a big fag, Clark Gable. I think he's a big fag. I don't know. All those handsome guys. And a fat woman, Vivian Vance from My Love Lucy. What a cunt she is. All right. Hey, guys, if you watch the show on Facebook, you'll notice they've stopped sending notifications.

Do you believe this shit? I am ready to fucking shoot somebody about the show going live and that you can't live chat with each other during the show. Rest assured, you can still watch the show at 5 p.m. each day, even if you don't get a notice. We will keep doing what we do. Make sure it's there. Also, if you follow my page, it should show up in your feed.

Make sure to follow me at facebook.com slash Nick DiPaolo. And you can also watch the show, Patreon, Rumble, BitChute, Instagram, and GabTV, or listen free on any podcast app. So, Keith, just wanted to give you a heads up there. Since, again, I'm enemy number, I wouldn't say one, probably 1,001, as far as, I don't even know how guys like Crowder can exist anymore. He actually has a movement. Anyhow, any he.

Hey, I love how Joe Rogan, every clip I see every morning, he sounds like me now. Anybody notice? Come alive? Which I'm glad. We need Rogan. Guys, you know, I mean, the show's as powerful as it gets. Better late than ever is all I say. Let's get to it.

Fuck it. Sox won their third in a row last time, but they beat a team. Fucking a little league team could be Pittsburgh Pirates. Okie poo poo caca. Eckersley made national headlines by crapping on him last night during the Red Sox game. He goes, this is the most nobody team I've ever seen. It's pathetic. Anyways, let's get to it. Good night for Trump last night. Don't you think so? Oh, I do. Liz lambasted. You know who I'd be talking about. Liz Cheney and whatnot. She

got them glasses right there that say, I am just an uptight, humorless woman. She looks not happy there. And that's when she won a few years ago. Good night for Trump as eight of 10 Republicans who voted to impeach him lost last night, especially Liz Cheney. Here's the woman who bitch slapped her, Harriet, I want to say Hageman. I don't care. Here she is giving her speech after she won. Wyoming has spoken on behalf of everyone who understands that our government is a government of, by and for the people. Pause.

Please come up with something more original. First of all, that's not true. Hasn't been in about 60 years. It was, and that's what the founders intended. Dave. Any smart, good-looking chicks other than, you know, maybe Sarah Palin and who, the North Dakota governor? What's her name? Christy.

All right. Let's listen again to what Bill has to say. And that we can and do control the levers of power when we engage, when we participate, and when we hold our elected officials accountable for their actions. Pause. Another untruth. I did engage.

I voted in the last election. And guess what? My vote meant nothing. It was taken out of play. Nobody's going to convince me otherwise. But I appreciate the spirit. What else does Ted have to say? Wyoming has spoken on behalf of everyone who is concerned that the game is becoming more and more rigged against them.

And what Wyoming has shown today is that while it may not be easy, we can dislodge entrenched politicians who believe they've risen above the people they are supposed to represent and serve. All right. That's enough. Trump said, Who's your fucking boss, huh? Who's your fucking boss? He said to Liz Cheney. And then he said to Liz,

You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. Yeah. Again, they always say that stuff the night they win. Fast forward a year later,

she'll be doing the same thing. Hey, what happened to that chick from Wyoming? Why didn't she vote against this thing that my president, you know? I'm old enough to, I've seen the pattern now, okay? Stop with your, I'm glad, don't get me wrong, we're glad Liz Cheney's out there. Obviously, she was a cancer. I still can't believe she's considered a Republican. Or Kinzinger. Here's the people, by the way, I'll give you the list of the eight out of ten that you won't see no more. Tom Rice. The hell's that?

John Katko. These are some big names. Fred Upton. Punter for the Vikings in the 70s. Adam the Bitch Kinzinger. No more Kinzinger on TV. That is good. Anthony Gonzalez. Pete Mayhere. Jaime Herrera Butler. Liz Yum Yum My Dad's the Devil Chaney. Liz, yum yum, my dad's the devil, Cheney. Although I like Cheney, I gotta be honest. The movie that Adam McKay made about him, that guy can make it, he's a real lib, you know.

But it was really good. Anyhow, any he, no more Liz Cheney. You tell me Trump wasn't spanking it last night. That's a family feud is what that is, man. It's pro-war versus anti-war. That's the other thing Trump doesn't spanking it last night. That's a family feud is what that is, man. It's pro-war versus anti-war. That's the other thing Trump doesn't get credit for. He's the most anti-war modern president you can argue. That's what you get when you...

People will laugh me in the face, but it really is true. I mean, he was like pro-choice. Remember when he was on Howard Stern? Anti-war, he really is. And people on, he was like pro-choice. Remember when he was on Howard Stern? Anti-war. He really is. And people on the left would faint if I said this, but he really is more down the middle than most presidents, believe it or not.

So anyways, good night for the Republicans and for Trumpy-poo. And then, of course, somebody has to rain on the parade. This fucking guy we call our president hey joe where you going with that gun in your hand no not gun is that what i put hey joe where you going with a pen in your hand that's what i meant. Boy, am I funny. Fuck off. President Joe Biden signed a $430 billion climate spending bill. That's not what they're calling it.

All right. On Tuesday, listen to this, insisting it would fight inflation. You're lying. And you're a piece of shit. We're cutting deficits to fight inflation by having the wealthy and they've been singing this tune we've been through this with every goddamn democrat president it's never worked so people please to fight inflation by having the

wealthy and big corporate yeah it's not going to touch you middle class people, finally pay their fair share. You mean the people that provide half the jobs in this country? Mama Luke. Biden said at the signing ceremony at the White House, the bill rate, then he cut a big one. The bill raises the corporate minimum tax to 15% and spends more money on bolstering the ability of the IRS to enforce taxes on you, the little guy,

by arming the motherfuckers and hiring $887,000 more. Biden admitted he had waited a long time to finally sign the bill that began as his multi-trillion dollar build back better agenda before senators and his own party. You remember they rejected it. Get out of here with that. Why you? Joe's like, no, but I'm telling you, it's going to reduce.

Let me in. Where's the toilet? The bill spends $386 billion on green energy subsidies and tax credits. You people, this is all a ruse. He knows it's not going to work. He knows it's only going to make inflation worse. And I'm not saying that because I'm an economics PhD. I'm saying it because I listen to people on TV who know their crap

and who have been right for the last 20 years about this shit. And they say it does just the opposite. So I believe them. I'm sorry. That, and I figured it out on a calculator. Look at all those, like $100 next week. Green energy subsidy taxes and credit, and spends $98 billion with a B on propping up Medicare. How about propping yourself up out of that goddamn coma you're in, ya momma?

And of course he was very, as as Democrats are and as Joe Biden is, he was very bipartisan and humble when taking his victory speech yesterday. Remember, this is the guy that's going to unite the country. Remember, he's going to bring Republicans and Democrats. We're going to work together. And he still means it. This is his victory speech yesterday. And remember, every single Republican in Congress voted against this bill. Every single Republican Congress voted against lowering prescription drug prices,

against lowering health care costs, against the fair tax system. Every single Republican, every single one voted against tackling the climate crisis. Unbelievable, it's all about politics. Then the fake president said, now I'm gonna take action that I've been looking forward to doing for 18 months. I'm gonna go in the men's room and make a big boom boom. He said after his speech, moving to the signing table, the president pointedly gave his signing pen to Senator Joe Manchin. Pointedly? I'm surprised he didn't stick it in his eye. As I call him, Joe, I'm not going to Manchin you again, and shook his hand despite the early role.

You know why he shook his hand? He played his role. He was supposed to make it look like he was against it. Good acting. He should have handed him an Oscar. The West Virginia senator had in blocking his proposals, but he caved like most Republicans. I mean, Democrats.

I call him Republican. Biden promoted the bill as a major success and even implicitly criticized the media for their skepticism about getting his agenda passed. He said, today, listen to this. He actually implies that the media doesn't treat him fair enough you guys are insane starting from the top you're nuts i don't care if you get dementia he's crazy and you people that he didn't write this whoever the aoc or turd friends put this in the prompter and he just read today too often we confuse noise with substance. Too often we confuse setbacks with defeats. Too often my son smokes crack with whores and we bury it so I can get elected. What?

We hand the biggest microphones to the critics and the cynics. That's a shot at Fox News and anybody else. Who delight in declaring failure while those committed to real progress do the hard work of governing. You've got to be a problem. You're the fucking problem. You fucking Dr. White onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you.

Not this time. Who do the hard work, said the man who just got back from vacation during the whole raid Mar-a-Lago thing. What's he doing? Bike riding in Pennsylvania? Cheese country? You motherless wonder. The president tried to sell his recent legislative successes as part of an extraordinary story that Democrats were crafting in D.C. Boy, are you ever going after a former president of the FBI weaponizing the DOJ, you piece of shit, during his presidency. We are in a season of substance abuse, said his son. He boasted, pointing to a crack pipe that he found on his chest

when he woke up this morning, to the choice that Americans would make in November. Dude, you are, you are. Do you understand? I'm making this prediction. They're saying, well, the Dems might still hold the Senate. It's going to be, I don't even know how it breaks down in the Senate. It's going to be a worse bloodbath than they're saying.

That's my prediction, and I'm not an optimist ever. It's going to be a bigger bloodbath than they're saying. Any seat that's up will be taken by a republic, including the toilet seat at the West. Good night, everybody. I'll be at Fuck Nuts on Tuesday. Good name for a comedy club. Fuck Nuts. Nuts, N-U-T-Z. Z's are always funny. During his speech, Biden mistakenly criticized the big, he said, Trump companies for opposing his bill, but correct himself to say big drug companies. Who's on your mind? Who's in your head uh nobody today proves the soul of america is vibrant fucking mumbling stuttering little fuck you know that uh joe pesci signs into law brain reduction act

that's the next headline we're staying on our fake president. Oh my God. Folks, I hate to say it, your votes don't count. These people have been in there forever. You really want me to believe that this stiff got the most votes in the history? Anyways, so that was his big thing. So that was his big thing. Now here is what he claims about the bill. And then there's an economist, was a Breitbart guy answering, a real economist. While signing the Inflation Reduction Act, no, I think it was the OGB actually, into law on Tuesday, President Joe Biden said no Americans earning less than 400 grand a year will pay a penny more in federal taxes as a result of billions to drastically boost the IRS audits. Oh, my God.

What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul. The vert on that statement, false. The Inflation Reduction Act does not include any provisions requiring the IRS to avoid targeting working and middle-class Americans with new IRS audits. In fact, the Congressional Budget Office, that's the CBO, estimates that about $20 billion, with a B,

will be squeezed from Americans earning less than 400 Gs a year as a result of the audits. And Dinkweed says, I'm keeping my campaign commitment. No one, no one earning less than $400,000 a year will pay a penny more in federal taxes, Biden said, referencing his 2020 campaign talking point that vowed not to raise taxes on working and middle class Americans. Don't give me that smart-alecky shit. Despite the claims, Senate Democrats made sure to vote down Senator Mike Krappos, best name in the game. There's an honest politician.

He's full of Krappo. Republican Indiana, he came up with an amendment to the inflation reduction. You believe they have the balls to call it that? They really insult our intelligence. Inflation Reduction Act. This guy came up with a thing that would have barred the IRS from targeting working and middle-class Americans with the $80 billion that plan includes for new audits. Of course, they didn't want anything to do with it. The CBO estimates that the new IRS audits will take at least $20 billion from working and middle-class Americans

earning less than $400 grand, which is in addition, folks, to the billions already taken from this income group today as we speak. God help me. Don't say a fucking word to me. I'll get up and I'll bury this telephone in your head. It's always the middle class who gets soaked.

Filthy, filthy rich people don't pay taxes. And neither does this guy sleeping on a park bench or on welfare. You understand? It's us. Always has been. Yeah. Prick pullers. Now let me mellow out and ask you.

Hi, you're listening to NPR. now let me mellow out and ask you hi you're listening to npr today i'm talking to thomas freed head of the aids foundation in nigeria it's always something like that you know who listens to that i had a bit about a big fat broad who can't get laid on the weekend giant home sitting there shaving the giant muffs eating bowls of oatmeal crying by the radio uh this show is that and Patton Oswalt. Same thing. The show is entirely supported by you listeners. Thanks to those of you who joined and paid you on the past weeks and those who made contributions.

Please continue to do so, and I'll promise to keep working to spread honest and direct comedy and commentary through the show. You can contribute at nickdip.com, and I'll read your name on the show. It'll change your life forever. Thank you so much, especially if your wife or girlfriend's a lib. Let's stay on taxes, shall we? Because there's only two things certain. Well, there's actually three things. Death, taxes, and the jets will suck. IRS about to rape the middle class. What's new? Billy Henk, people call him William Henk,

a former IRS service lawyer who was forced out after making allegations of internal malfeasance, said, in other words, he was a whistleblower, said the government will target middle-income Americans with the new audits under the Inflation Reduction Act. Okay, this guy's a former. He knows what he's talking about. Are you interested in the real story?

Yeah, let's hear what Billy Henk has to say. Henk, who worked at the IRS for 30 years until departing in 2017, slammed the IRS and others who have argued additional funding would only result in increased audits for billionaires and corporate. Nobody believes that. Nobody. The inflation. How about the fact you're getting credit

for something? It's the old, he created the inflation with his stupid policies, his energy policy. It's like, you know, you lighten your house on fire and then you put it out

and you want to be called the hero, right? It's the old, I could have come up with something filthy, but eh. The Inflation Reduction Act, which President Biden signed into law, would nearly double the IRS budget, appropriating, get this, an additional $79 billion to the agency over the next 10 years.

What are we doing? Yeah. What's going on right now? Yeah, we know. The idea that they're going to open things up and go after these big billionaires and large corporations is, quite frankly, bullshit, Hank told Fox Business in an interview. It's not going to open things up and go after these big billionaires and large corporations is quite frankly bullshit, Hank told Fox Business in an interview. It's not going to happen. They're going to give themselves bonuses and promotions and really nice conferences. That's what he says. Yes, sir. He said the IRS will target businesses who don't have enough money to hire Washington

lobbyists. This is how it's always been. Americans with an annual income of less than 75 grand would be subject to nearly, get this, 711,000 new IRS audits under the legislation, according to a House GOP analysis that used historic audit rates. By comparison, folks, individuals making more than 500,000000 will receive only about $95,000 additional audits. You hear that? $700,000 for the middle class to about $95,000 for the rich people as a result of the Inflation Reduction Act. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! I think I speak for all of us. White House press secretary. Oh, God, no.

She's such a nice person. Just dumb as a bag of cheese. That's what happens when you're hired by gender and race. We haven't heard much from our black Supreme Court justice. What is she out playing, double dutch today? Get the fuck out of here. White House press secretary, Corinne Jean-Pierre told reporters last week, I didn't pass any classes in high school, but look at me.

Said last week that there'll be no new audits for people making less than 400 grand because my boss told me to say that. There'll be considerable incentive to basically to shake down taxpayers and the advantage the IRS has is they have basically, this is the guy targeting, unlimited resources and no accountability, whereas a taxpayer has to weigh the cost of accountants, tax lawyers fighting something in tax court, Hank told Fox. Exactly. The little guy can't afford to fight that. Bullies, you like bullying? This is the party that always hates bullying.

They despise you and me, folks. I know you know that by now, but it's unbelievable. I know they disliked us a little bit when this cocksucker stole the election, but what's going on here is just, if you own, again, this is the expert who used to work for the IRS who got kicked out because he was being honest. He said, if you own a roofing company, you better count on getting audited because that's what they're going to be doing. He continued, they're going to be going after your car dealerships, roofing companies, et cetera. Hank said during his time at the agency, he had observed IRS agents specifically, this gives you an idea of what kind of people work there, specifically targeting elderly taxpayers, some, get this, of whom were World War II veterans, because they could easily be forced into settlements.

The Antichrist. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. Do you believe that? Do you believe that? I do. They're as rotten as we say they are. And if you work for them, don't give me... I'm going to do what my boss says. Okay, Hitler youth. Hope nobody sees this. I don't want to get audited. I'm going to...

Counting on writing off that $15,000 marble Italian tub we just put. You know, the lion's feet. I actually have to put work boots on the feet because they scare me. The IRS then opened an investigation into Hank for allegedly revealing sensitive information when he spoke, this was back when he worked with the the media in 2013 leading to his termination in 2017. So he was pointing out what was going on there and he gets booted. You need to know anymore? Let's lighten it up and do some monkeypox news.

Hey, I don't gut it. I don't suck dick. I don't fuck people in the ass anymore. Monkeypox. Let me say that and clean it up. Maybe you can use it. monkeypox. Let me save that and clean it up.

Maybe you can use it. Let's talk about monkeypox. Since I don't have it because I don't sleep with men or put little peepees in my mouth anymore. Any mower. I used to. I used to hang out at the ramrod. Picked up a girl there, drowned her, went back, picked up a guy with leather chaps.

A Texas man diagnosed with monkey pox has shared, thank God, a series of shocking selfies that I got to look at while I was eating my Cocoa Crisps. Shocking selfies documenting how his painful symptoms developed. Gay porn star. So I want you to see, I'm going to give you a lesson again on how slick they are with the news. That's the only time they mention really about he's a gay porn star. They throw that right at the beginning. Silver Steel.

Is that the best you could come up with? Again, the best name for a porn star ever. Peter North. Just beautiful. And that guy had the penis I always wanted. Perfect. Perfect. I'm not saying to blow the guy.

I'm just saying. Gay porn star Silversteel posted a timeline composite image to his Instagram account on August 4th consisting of nine photos taken on different days In order to highlight how horrific lesions change shape in size and taste what who said I Suck cock and I love it. Yummy. Yummy. Yummy. Yummy. Do you still Look at look at look at I will never complain about having a cold sore ever again What do you do? Can imagine me going on stage on a saturday night in front of a couple hundred people and don't even say anything just during it right in the middle i go oh and squirts a lady in the front like a galaga concert yeah oh hey oh my god If that's not enough to make you stop sucking a penis or putting it in somebody's bum bum,

no offense. Goodness gracious, Heloise. And you know what's funny? I've yet to see a monkey that has that. It might be on the genitals, but then again, they're not dating much anymore. The Usain Bays performer, again, remember he's a gay porn star, because I'll have to remind, the use and base performer, they say that, right? They could say gay actor, but a performer, like he's a magician or a mime, says he first noticed blisters breaking

out on his chin as his chin rests on a pair of balls under a bridge at three in the morning. as his chin rests on a pair of balls under a bridge at 3 in the morning. No, on his chin on July 11th. Initially believing the bumps to be razor burn. What kind of razor are you using? However, he soon realized he had contracted monkey pox when the lesions began to grow bigger and fill with about a gallon of sharp cheddar cheese.

Yum. Oh, God. I'm sorry. Stell. Stell? Why is it Stell? Who's Stell? Probably his real last name.

Okay, yeah. Stell spent three weeks with agonizing blisters on his chin, documenting how they became larger and larger by the day. The composite shows the lesions were the worst

about 11 days after the fur surfaced on his skin. It also shows that it took more than three weeks for the symptoms to completely subside. Monkeypox was declared, and again, we've been over this, it's hilarious, declared a public health emergency in the United States earlier this month, even though, again, these nine gay guys have it, and this is the same guy, but I'm just saying, you know, and a planet with 10 billion people on it, literally, I can't even break the fraction down, earlier this month, after it spread across the

country. Did it really? Flowing an outbreak in Europe, following an outbreak in Europe this spring. It's funny, we didn't hear about it then. At present, the virus is primarily impacting gay and bisexual men. Oh, I'm glad you threw that in there. Who account for 98% of the patients. Okay. The other 2% dogs. Yeah, there you go. According to NYU biologist Joe Osmuzdan. According to NYU biologist Joe Osmuzdan. Anyways. Ah, the homosexuals. Is that Joe?

Yep. That's Elton John. About 40 years ago. Goodbye to Yellow Brick Road Where the monkeys of society howl You can't plant me in your plant house I'm going back to my The actor added this is a droplet virus. Yeah droplet of load Draw a gallon of jizz on your back. This is a droplet virus

So it spreads by kissing sharing drinks or even playing patty cake Or even touching someone who has lesions, blisters on their skin. Use lots of hand sanitizer. Wave hello instead of hugs. This is a gay guy who tongues other guys' assholes telling you not to hug people. Let's let that sink in for a minute. And be cautious at crowded events, you know, like gang bangs and bukkake theater, especially ones where people are swallowing, oh, sweating.

I'm sorry. I got one thing to say to you, Mr. Steele. Perhaps you'd like me to come in there and wash your dick for you. Health agencies in the U.S. have counted at least 11,700 cases of suspect. Folks, again, the planet has, what, 6 billion people on it? 11,700 cases of suspected monkeypox, with another 1,000 cases expected to be added next week, if you play your cards right.

According to epidemiological forecasters, among the nation's illness epicenters, where else? New York City. What?? New York. City. What? Could New York get any worse? There's people literally getting stabbed as they're going into their apartments. Old people are getting thrown in front of trains. There's rapes

every night in Central Park. There's drug. You can't go anywhere without the danger of like a homeless guy attack you. Everybody's on drugs and now monkey parks. Thank you, Bill de Blasio, for eight years. The city's battling more than 2,295 cases following an outbreak in June. At the same time, the World Health Organization,

who lied to us about everything, is reporting over 36,000 cases of the disease. Again, what is that,.00... I can't cases of the disease. Again, what is that? Point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. I can't even do the math. Hey, if you don't want to get monkey parks, make sure to grab an official Nick DiPaolo show T-shirt. We've had them scotch guarded. Or a hat.

That'll keep the jizz from hitting you in the nose. Or a mug for yourself, someone else today. Purchasing merch is another way to help support the show and also be the best-d dressed guy or girl in town. I also love getting pictures sent in from you fans or your kids or dogs, whatever, wearing the stuff. It does. It makes my day. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com and click on store. Thank you so much. Oh, a pack of chimps. What? Headline,

pack of chimps attacked elderly woman. Sorry, I had no other way to put it. I just thought because of monkey pox. I wasn't, this is not a racial headline

by any. San Francisco police identified children, I'll say that again, children, ages 11, 13, and 14, as suspects in the brutal beating and robbery of an elderly woman

caught on video late last month. I've seen so many of these that I thought this was one that we had already reported on. I've done three of these at least this year with an Asian woman in her bed being interviewed after being beat up by a gang of you-know-what. Honestly, I thought it was just, you could just replace the name. The fourth suspect was an 18-year-old male hanging out with an 11-year-old. Also is identified, but the 11-year-old suspect's too young to be charged, even though he's not too young to be out there

beating people for an iPhone. Fuck him, hang him. With his parents, or parents, singular. Surveillance video of the horrifying July 31st attack on the 70-year-old woman showed that at one point she was actually kicked squarely in the face while she was already on the lobby floor. What a great combination for people, huh?

Not only are you a scumbag, coward, you're violent and, I don't know, I don't even know what the word is. And he was kicked in the face in the lobby of her building. Let's take a look at the video. Try not to get sick. At an iPhone 7, video the housing complex provided to SFPD to be used in the investigation shows the suspects follow Mrs. Wren into the elevator when she refuses to give up her phone. They got really mad and pulled me down.

Already on the ground, Mrs. Wren is kicked squarely in the face. They used a fist to hit my head multiple times. All right. All right. All right. I don't know what you're smiling at, watermelon. What the fuck huh oh I forgot I forgot about slavery and

shit that happened a thousand years ago huh yeah I forgot they're off the hook the victim spoke to the station from bed as she recovered from her injuries telling KGO through an interpreter that the group asked her what time it was. You know, it's funny.

A guy did this to me. I went out with this girl when I got home from college around 1986. And she was from Plymouth. I still remember her, Robin. And I dated her for a couple weeks. Then she tells me to come down and meet her at a bar in her hometown.

So I go down there. And I notice these guys looking over, and I could tell they were talking about me, you know? So sure enough, I leave. She didn't leave with me. She had, I think, friends with her. I can't remember. But I left myself.

I'm walking out to my car. Sure enough, there's three guys behind me following me out. One of them comes up to me and goes, do you know what time it is? And as I, you know, he takes a swing at me, which I saw coming a mile away, ducked under it,

picked him up and body slid. You could hear the wind come out of him. This is when I still had my college football physique. And I broke my hand on his fucking teeth. Boy, did that feel good. Then I called her and said, you're a filthy cunt. Because, ooh, I guess I shouldn't say that. Look at the anger coming.

I'm reliving it. She set me up. It was her old boyfriend I found out later. That she still liked, apparently. Oh, my God. You women, I'll tell you. Anyways, she may be the man I am today. So they asked what time it was, as she recalled.

Anyways, she replied 5 o'clock and then showed them her watch because she wasn't sure they understood her. She says, they searched my body, and I quickly realized they up to no good. Adding that soon her attackers knew she had an iPhone 7. A video that her building gave to police shows the suspects followed her into the elevator because she refused to give up her phone. I just, and again, you know what your parents are, parent, just as guilty.

Investigators soon identified the four suspects, 18-year-old Oakland resident, Darrell Moore, and three juvenile suspects, like I said, 11, 13, and 14. Investigators got warrants for Moore, the 13-year-old suspect, and the 14-year-old suspect on charges of robbery, elderly abuse, burglary, false imprisonment, and conspiracy, police said, adding that the 11-year-old suspect, again, not to be charged due to his age. Milt Peters, police arrested Moore, the 13-year-old suspect, and the 11-year-old suspect on an unrelated criminal matter last Wednesday. There's something wrong with the black man's mind. There's something wrong with the black man's mind! There's something wrong with his mind!

Future Dem voters, if Obama had a son, if Obama had three sons, many law enforcement officers across the Bay Area know of more. Lieutenant Kevin Haley told KGO. Well, then it should be easy to find

them and put them to sleep. Why don't you make them disappear like criminals do when they kidnap people and just go, we have no idea. No idea. A lot of cameras around, I know, but you guys know how to do it. Finally tonight on Meet My Sister-in-Law,

Phi Beta Kicka. That's right. Phi Beta Kicka, as in kicker. Lane Kiffin. Who's he coach again? Ole Miss. Who's pretty good. Good football team. They give Alabama fits.

Am I right, sir? Lane Kiffin made news at a press conference. He was a UFC guy too, right? Yeah. At a press conference yesterday when he was asked about a new punter, he added to Ole Miss's roster. This is kind of funny. I need a light.

Go ahead. You guys have also added a punter to your roster. Can you talk a little bit about him? Yeah, I don't know a whole lot about him. I think he was down at the frat house you know like at a keg party or something you know where they got him from so we got some conditioning to do with my guy we just said hey someone go find a punter around campus and so we found one that actually used to punt in Division I. So you never know. That's how much talent there is in the SEC on these campuses.

You can wander into a goddamn. And here's the other thing. They found a defensive end at a sorority, they said. That transition guy. Anyways, the guy who wrote the article said, if you happen to frequent the bars, frat and keg parties around oxford mississippi and you think you just never got the right opportunity to live your dream of playing college football look alive because uh the always innovative and unpredictable lane kiven might be in the market for a new long snapper or scout team

running back we actually found a clip of the uh of the kid that they found in the fraternity who they think might be the starting punter. Here he is. It's the one on the left. Give me a keg of beer. This bud's for you. Unbelievable. Only in the SEC. Anyhow, I don't need the rest of the article.

Notice I said article. That's unbelievable, man. Hey, did you see the punt Dallas the other day? I didn't send you the clip. Somebody in the NFL preseason game, 82 yards. And it wasn't with the wind that it was rolling. It was an 82 yard ball. Dude, they call him the, they call him the God of punters. I forget even what team it was on. 82. Better check for helium. They did that with a guy named Ray Guy. You're probably too young, right, Dallas? Which kills me. Ray Guy for the Oakland Raiders. He might have been the first punter to go into the Hall of Fame. Number eight for the Oakland Raiders. He was so good that they grabbed a bunch of his balls footballs

don't be queer they grabbed a bunch of the footballs that he used and they sent him to a lab at Rice University thinking they had helium in them he could hang time like he was great man

so the punter is Matt from the Buffalo Bills. What's his name? Matt Araza. Matt Araza. From the Bills. They found Araza in his pocket. From the Bills?

Yeah, that's all they need now. The best punter in the league. I'm kind of excited about the Bills. They have stunk for so long. I mean, the last couple of years they've been good. But I'm kind of excited about the Bill. They have stunk for so long. I mean, the last couple of years they've been good, but I'm just saying. Then again, you were probably 12 when they were in the Super Bowl four years in a row, right?

Okay, 19. What? So what? I watched football at 12. What were you, 19? What was that? How old were you when Jim Kelly was at the helm? 18s, right?

I'm just guessing. Late 80s, before I was 10. But when they were against the Cowboys in the early 90s, I was 11 and 12, yeah. Oh, my God. I was right the first time. God help us. You were 11 and 12.

I remember being on the road, already well into my career, watching it with a bunch of guys in Austin, Texas. Here I am, 11-12, watching the Cowboys destroy the Bills two years in a row. I know. Poor bastard. Marv Levy deserved better. He was a funny son of a gun.

Guy went to Harvard, by the way. And I don't know why, but I still remember one of the scores. 52 to 17. It is for some reason burned in my brain. I know why it's burned into your brain, because your dad put the mortgage on the house. According to Newsweek, Charlie Pollack is the guy they found.

6'1", 250 pound, former punter for University of Nevada. But he wasn't even like trying out or anything. He didn't walk on from the fresh. That is great scouting. We found the guy under about 14 stacks of pizza boxes with a joint in his mouth.

Anyway, so while Pollock's not coming straight from the co-ed flag football league, a story like this can still open the door just a crack for all the dreamers out there, which is a good story. Anyways, finally tonight, I got to thank you people for keeping us up and going. I want to thank all the supporters of the show that have moved from the Comics Gym over to the Patreon. You guys are what keeps the show going, and I appreciate that very much. Tyler Papke, Carlos Casagrande.

That's a big house. I'm Spanish. Kathy Ortiz, or Ortiz. We'll call her Big Papi, Papa, Mama. Derek Rayo, Carlos Galmades, Lawrence Chico, Quindarious Gooch, who said he, God damn it, Andy told me, what did you do to my, you slept with my mother or something? It was something like that. I read it yesterday.

I can't remember. But God damn you, Quwendaris Gooch. Louis Sabar, Kenneth Carroll. And I want to thank Louis Viscano, Patrick Stitz, and Kelly Yarnell. They all signed up for a full year at Patreon. If you sign up for the full year, you get 10% off the discount. And you don't have that annoying monthly fee that you're going to pay. I also want to welcome our

newest patrons. George DiPaulo. D-I-P-A-U-L-A. Almost, George. Greg Sandorf. Joseph Hirsch. One-time contributions. Christopher Vaccarelli. He's a good guy up in

New York. Matthew J. Spencer, Chris CB. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, for Wednesday, November 39th. This the sin. The President of the United States died at 3.05 p.m. Texas time. Let me just say this. I had nothing to do with it. All right. Cameo.com.

If you want me to roast a friend or relative, go to Cameo.com. Again, switch over to Patreon from the comics. We're wrapping it up at the end of the month and that's coming quick. You guys think that I'll say it. You're very welcome. See you back here for the final day of the week tomorrow. Have a good day. guitar solo This is Mark Madden for BetRivers and Baseball Bets. BetRivers Sportsbook invites you to add variety to your baseball bets

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