The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 37

Episode Date: October 6, 2019

"Episode 37" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 37 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. And that is how we're not allowed to kiss. Alright? We weren't doing nothing everyone! They're the ones that we're not allowed to do, all right? Do it that one time, that's fine. We'll maybe do it, like, every now and again in the future, but not regularly, all right?

Stop making everyone think we've done that. They're the ones... Do you know what was wrong with it? It's because you opened your mouth on my lip. If the lips are just touched, that is fine, but it's because you opened your mouth on my bottom lip and you pulled it a little bit with your mouth. I wanted to taste you.

This is on. This is on here. Oh, shit. Hello, welcome to the Pickle & Gamble podcast. I'm Ray Peacock. Hello. Hello, I'm Ed Gamble, not kissing. Now, is this on now? Hello? Is this on now, this? Are you...

Is it on live or not? Right, can you hear this now? Hello, can you hear this? Can you ring up? Ring up on the number. Ring the studio up if you can hear this now. Is it on live? Hello? Is it pre-recorded or not? Oh, brilliant you hear this? Can you ring up? Ring up on the number. Ring the studio up if you can hear this now. Is it on live? Hello? Is it pre-recorded or not? Oh, brilliant. I don't know what it is.

What a lovely day. What a lovely... It's a night... Evening now. It's a night time on this. We had every intention of doing it in the daytime. I had every intention of doing it in the daytime. I picked you up from the station.

You picked me up from the station. We went shopping for your dinner. Then we got back. Our dinner. That's not fair. You got some stuff as well. I did get some stuff, yeah. We were at Sainsbury's and i got an adenal food shop yeah yeah i got got some seeds seeds got some seeds some oranges and beef jerky yeah we've got some big i've been

caning beef jerky you're not allowed it i know i've actually if anything i think i've had more i think i've actually had more because every time i do it i think right i'll have one last one right every time i get it is that working with junk food I'll have one last one. Right. Every time I get it. Is that working with junk food then? If I said, like, you've got to have loads of junk food, will you just do the opposite? I think my eating has been really, really clever this week. I think I've done my very, very best. I've been a very good boy.

I've eaten properly. But why is it clever? I think I've been clever that I've not had no junk food. All right, well done. I had some bread last night for the first time in over a week. That's all right. That's not junk food. I don't like, but I want to cut out bread.

All right. But it came with a dinner. Right. And some chips came with it as well. What else came with it? It was a chicken sandwich. Was it a pasty sandwich? No, it was dinner.

What was it last night? And that was the healthiest food thing they had. You could have asked for it without chips and salad instead of chips. It had salad with it anyway. Right. Well, you could have asked for a bigger salad and no chips. I forgot. Quite genuinely, I forgot there of chips. It had salad with it anyway. Right, well you could have asked for a bigger salad and no chips. I forgot. Quite genuinely, I forgot

there was chips. And also, when they took the order, they took like 40 people's order at the same time. Right. So I'd be going, can you make sure it's on a blue plate and no chips for me, thank you.

Yeah, no, it doesn't matter the colour of the plate. What you should have done is just gone, right, I'll leave the chips. Yeah. That's where I was going with it. I thought that.

But I'd just done the warm-up and then I went to the dressing room and I was like I am hungry though yeah I love them chips and they're a bit cold so you can eat them quite quick as well

alright so if you eat it quickly it doesn't count and also I want to say this is the state of service in this country right and I've served being a bar

so I know it's a shitty job right but last night a really weird thing happened because there was a girl working on the show who I was about to make a coffee and she went I'll get you a proper coffee

if you want from the bar because they have a tab there. Yeah. I went, okay, cool. And then she went away for about 40 minutes. Right. And I went, I'll go and have a look for her. Yeah. And I found the girl and she was like, I'm sorry, I've ordered your coffee.

I'm just waiting for you to do it. Yeah. And then we chatted for a bit longer, me and this girl. And then this girl came up and the girl who wrote to the show said to the girl, excuse me, did I order a coffee with you? And the girl went, no. And she went, oh, so I've ordered a coffee. And she went, all right. I'm walked'm walked off right and then she came back and started cleaning stuff in front of us but she should have said i'll make you the coffee yeah

okay i'll get you the coffee and then she should have given you a nice big smile and a kiss so think on if you work in a pub welcome to the show so like that right no kissing like that right right so that's that's twice you've had it now no more kissing this will be horrible in people's earphones having to listen to two two men going well the thing is the problem is i'm trying to now rescue this because I think I'm sorry about that story at the intro. All right, mate. I was going to say something. It didn't really go anywhere, did it? No, but I was going to say something, but I thought it was a brilliant story.

Thanks, mate. And that I think a lot of it was because the people listening would not have seen your lovely, handsome face. All right. To be honest, mate, I got lost in your eye. Eyes, I've got to... Oh, no, we need to talk about what happened to you this week. Oh, right, okay. It's a good joke you're doing.

Hey, by the way, while we think on, I remember I'm on television this week. You are? This Saturday. Yeah. On, I don't know what, BBC Three? It is on my... No, I knew that.

I don't know what time it's on now. I don't know what time it's on. Sorry, I don't know what time it's on. It's on BBC Three, The Ray Peacock Show. No, it's not. Come on, tell the truth because people are going to be looking for it and they'll not find The Ray Peacock Show.

If you can't find it, then ring the BBC up on Sunday and say, why is The Ray Peacock Show not on telly? No, you're on Russell Howard's Good News. Yeah, I'm on the extended version of that doing all my stand-up comedy. I've not filmed it yet, so I don't know how it went. No, but well, I'm on the extended version of that. Yeah. Doing all my stand-up comedy. Yeah. I've not filmed it yet, so I don't know how it went.

No. But well, I'm going to say well. Yeah, well. Yeah, I think a lot of people say well. I think, yeah. I'm going to say well. Well, you know, it's only fair that he has a go in it. He does the warm-up every week, so.

Whoa. Well. I've got to do the warm-up on the same show. Yeah. It's going to be quite tiring, you know. So you'll be warming up for yourself. I'm really worried I won't do well in the warm-up, and then I'll have to go back on.

Yeah. Oh, no, I mean, no. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah. Imagine that. It's like if you're comparing, you don't do well in comparing. You have to keep going back on again. You've got to keep fucking going back on the stage and that.

Yeah, it's on this Saturday, 3rd April, BBC3, on late. Yeah. It's not the one that's on the 1st, but do watch that. That's Russell Howard's Good News. That's a normal show. It's the extended one on the Saturday. first, but do watch that. That's Russell Howard's Good News. That's a normal show. It's the extended one on the Saturday. You can watch it if you want. I think you should watch it.

I think everyone should watch it and then call the BBC and say, that Ray Peacock man was brilliant. Give him his own show. And if he has a mate. Yeah. Has he got a mate to just take a bit of the pressure off? Yeah.

I like Ray Peacock, but I don't think he could carry something by himself for an hour. Does he have a mate who he works with a lot? Yeah, and then, if you're a girl, right, why don't you ring us up and talk dirty down the phone while we masturbate, you dirty fucking cow? Why don't you do that? Oh, you dirty fucking cow.

Dirty fucking cow. What are you thinking of, you? Disgusting. Come here while I show you how we can't kiss. Right, when I arrived today, I thought, oh, what's Ray up to? Lovely looking lad. Yeah, lovely looking lad. Very nice boy.

Looked in my eyes and thought, oh, you dirty fucking cow. Looked right in your eye, you dirty fucking cow. Yeah. And thought, oh, he's handsome. Yeah, but... But you said, oh, I've been busy today. I have been busy today. Yeah, no, I thought you had been busy because you're usually, you're not a liar.

You are both handsome and truthful. Right. What have I lied about? You're the perfect gentleman. Thank you very much. You went in your bedroom, I thought, following me. On your bed... It looked bad, didn't it? Yeah, on your bedroom, I thought, following me. On your bed... It looked bad, didn't it?

Yeah, on your bed was the remnants of your day. Yeah. An empty big bag of Doritos. Yeah, yeah. Your laptop. Yeah. A comic. Yeah.

And a suspiciously screwed up sticky looking tissue. That was from a wank. Yeah, you've been wanking over Doritos again. Yeah, I've been wanking over Doritos. I mean, look at that computer. You won't find any Paul on this computer. It didn't happen. It didn't find any porn on this computer. It didn't happen.

It didn't happen. It was literally... All you'll find on your computer is just loads of pictures of snack food. And I was... Yeah, it was. You're right. It was that. Exactly that.

A comic, a laptop, a screwed up tissue. That wasn't from the one. I did have one, though. But that wasn't from it. But I did have one. Is it where... Did that go in the bag? What?

Oh, the tissue? No, the spunk. No, the pop it straight in my mouth. You dirty fucking cow. Straight in my mouth, dirty fucking cow. And Doritos, yeah. It's bad, isn't it? Yeah.

Because I am exercising every day and on a diet. Yeah, but you said you didn't exercise today. I didn't exercise today. I've not done so far either. You've just had crisps in today. I didn't exercise today. I've not done so far either. You've just had a few crisps in bed. I don't feel good. You're like an old man. I'm glad you don't smoke because you're going to be one of these people who dies in a house fire.

I was having a fag in bed and he fell asleep. At least now he's just having Doritos in bed and he woke up with crumbs all in his tits. now it is time for that brilliant section that happens every week over the music where ray does talk saying about a food and when he says the name of the food or drink that you hear that and you remember that you like it because you'd forgotten that you liked it. So now you remember you like it and you hear

the name of the food and you think I want some of that food. I don't think this counts as a regular section because the title of it is different every week. Here is the Ray says a food and you think of it and then you want to eat it. Or a drink. This week, toast.

Toast. This is getting worse and worse. Have some toast. Toast. It's only bread cooked. Toast. Pop it in your toaster. Everyone's got one, haven't they?

Put the bread in the toaster. Cook the bread till it gets brown. Put a bit of butter on it. Have some toast. Everyone's got the toaster, cook the bread, till it goes brown, put a bit of butter on it, have some toast. Everyone's got a toaster, so this isn't, so everyone has toast all the time. Have some toast.

This is not a good version of this. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Toasty in my tummy. I can't wait for that. Give us a bit of it. Bit of toast. Have some toast. Don't put marmalade on it,

it'll ruin it. Toast. Just with some butter. Eat it all upmalade on it and ruin it. Toast. Just with some butter. Eat it all up on a big plate, working hard. If you're working hard, get a big plate of toast and bring it through and eat all of it. And that would be a nice break. Have some toast for in your break.

Awful. Toast. right well this week on the podcast we have some business to take care of as always business yes but special business this week

because I'm going to do it properly oh okay proper public notices are you doing it official none of this messing about

let's get through this public notices all the business shall I be your secretary could you be a secretary yeah

hey have you seen that film secretary yeah I fast forwarded to all the sexy bits have you seen

that bit in the film secretary right and he puts her over the desk and says you can't move your

hands and he's proper written on her arse and she just stands there and takes it dirty fucking

cat doesn't he doesn't he put his jaffas all up her arse? He just sprays all his jaffers all over her back. Dirty fucking cow. Dirty fucking cow, isn't she? Hey, have you seen that bit in it where she's just sat on that chair and he says you can't move?

And he leaves her there for days and she's weeing in the chair. It's all going down her legs daddy fucking right so this week here are the people who may or may not have won we asked last week for terry and june and if your names correspond with said names then you could be plausibly our podcast fan of the week king or queen of the week or our top fish yeah as well so we'll mix them all up this week. Okay. In reverse order at the moment from what's actually currently on the podcast fan page on Facebook. Daniel Young has said,

Hiya pal. So. Bit familiar. Bit assumptive. Could I be. Or maybe he's Scottish. Oh, nice one. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe he's Scottish and about to punch me. Yeah. Yeah. Hiya pal. Could I be fish of the week please? My last name is Young and that is a brand that sells fish products.

Yeah. That's true. Young is fish of the week. Fair comment on that one one send us some of that yeah dean burnett has said uh burnett has net in it and you use them to catch fish from the sea yeah which is next to the beach which i am apparently always going on about it right i don't know what he's on about right um what i think is that net is in his name but it's burn net and then how are you going to fish if you're burning into your net yeah dean you idiot. How are you going to and you shouldn't even be able to fire on a

beach. Yeah. You've got a permit for that burning your net on the beach you dirty fucking gal. You can't do that Dean don't be doing

that on the beach. So no Dean's disqualified for burning his net. Barry Allen Jones I met a guy called Terry in June. Oh please.

Not this week. No. Not this week. But that yeah nice try. David Butler said my name is David Butler. Right. It's not. No it's but that yeah nice try David Butler said my name is David Butler

right it's not no it's not your name's David Butler as soon as we have fuck it your bellend as soon as we have

top servant of the week then you can win it you can be that one definitely Terry June cod right right not having that

because you've only got two friends one's Ed Hugh Mazie said I don't understand being through the awards list on Chalk Run

somehow they missed your name off so fair comment it's not quite got you to be fan of the week but fair comment it is fair comment keep saying things like that

and one day you will be fan of the week but this week's fish of the week first of all is Nathan Trout yeah oh brilliant Nathan Trout

and it's his real name checked it Nathan Trout you are our podcast top fish of the week well done Trouty Nathan Trout nice one Trouto

and Trouto was born at Pinderfields Hospital in Wakefield where interestingly I once stole a wheelchair I did when I was at university how do you know where he was born

because it's on his Facebook profile alright I stole a wheelchair from Pinderfields Hospital I replaced it later on okay what with and gave them

no I replaced it and gave them because I broke it right and gave them some money as well. But I stole it and we took it round the local supermarket pretending to be disabled. So that's what I did with that.

Oh, as long as it was something important. Yeah, I've not always been a nice boy. And also, the podcast fan of the week is going to be... Well, it's not actually this person. Lisa Finlayson said, my nan was called June, but she is dead. So I can't get her to join Facebook. Sorry, Lisa.

God bless your nan. That took me by surprise, Lisa. I'm sorry, Lisa. I would imagine it took everyone concerned by surprise. Well, we don't know. We don't know. Maybe Stella Nan, it was a bit of a surprise. We're not laughing at your nan dying.

That's not funny. She could have been a bad lot. Yeah, she could have been. Could have been a bad lot. So if she was a bad lot, then I'm still not happy about it. No, I'm not, no. And it's sad when anyone dies. It's always sad when anyone dies. But this week, our podcast fan of the week is Lisa Finlayson's nan, June.

Yeah, so God bless you, June. So June, God bless to you. We don't know whether June was Finlayson or not, so we'll just call you June. We'll just call you June, Lisa's grandma, nan. Lisa's much-missed nan, June. June, yeah. So, well done, June, for being fan of the week. Why not enter again?

Let's get on with that, get on with that. Right, time for all the groups that Ray has joined this week. As you know, every week I join a load of Facebook groups. And my goal to get one million groups before 2010. Before 2011. No, 2011, sorry. And I've not been counting these as I go 2011. No, 2011, sorry. And I've not been counting these as I go along. No.

But I can't imagine I'm far off now. No, you must be on about a million. I'm caning through these now. Here they are this week. Ready, Ed? Yeah, ready. Can I have a look at the screen? I can't see it from here.

Ray became a fan of. Join if you're taller than your mum. Right, well, you can get rid of your membership on that one straight away. I'm taller than my mum. No, you're not. I'm much taller than her. Right, ready to become a fan of? I blame Disney for my high expectations of men.

I've pretended to die in front of my pet to see how they react. One day, someone is going to punch you in the face and I will laugh. I'm not laughing because I'm lying. I'm laughing because you think I'm lying. When my phone vibrates, I shout, I'm vibrating. Do you fancy coming round to watch a DVD? We hate slow drivers. I hate

private number calls. Deliberately driving slower when tailgated. A line has been crossed when a Freddo costs 17p. I love my duvet. If you find the secret message in this picture, it will make you smile. I hate it when girls wear foundation

on their lips and one day you're going to look back and say, damn, that girl really did love me. Only man in that group. Right.

Only single, only man. Well done, that's brilliant, man. Well done. I'll tell you what, right, they're all crying in there. They're having a right cry. I'll tell you what,

free-for-all in there for me. Dirty fucking cows. In last week's podcast, you may recall, for those of you who are following the saga... I recall, I recall it. ...of the Peacock and Gamble podcast. I recall it. But you may recall there was a part in it

where we gave Ellie Coutts Podcast Queen of the Week. We did, yeah. Fan of the Week. And we said we would tell her, I would tell her

what Ed was saying when he looked at her. No, that's not true. If you recall the saga properly, you were going to say what we had said. I know, because I missaid it. I missaid it.

No, it's what we had said. If you listen back to it, I changed it up a few times and said you should have heard what Ed was saying. Yeah, no, but it was what we were saying. Well, look, we said on the provisor that she told us how old she was.

Yeah. And her and several of her friends have told us now she's 19. Yeah. Which I think is all right, isn't it? I think that's allowed, yeah. All right, so here we go. What is allowed, though? It's written down exactly, I will tell you with word, what Ed said.

No, sorry, what? This is when we were looking at Eddie Coutts' photos. Right. Oh, God, she is well fit. Mate, is she one of our fans? Oh, what? Look at her there. Oh, she's well up for it in that one.

Yeah, open your mouth, you dirty fucking cow. And how old do you think she is? So there you go, Eddie. That's what Ed was saying. It's surprising that while we looked at your pictures. What I was saying is written in your notebook

in your handwriting. Oh Ed, you're filthy. I did say a lot of that though. Often at sports events when they're very vocal in the crowd and that you can hear some from the terraces

when the team goes down by, you know, a try or by a go or whatever. Yeah. They'll often sing, it's all gone quiet over there. Right. Which I think is probably a good way of describing Ed's amazing births fans.

I don't think so. This week. I think quite a lot of people piped up and said they found it very amusing. Well, a lot of people piped up and said, too far. Yeah, but they're just trying to join in with you. I want to go and listen to something else.

They're trying to keep both of us sweet at the same time. Yeah, we've had genuine complaints this week. Well, we haven't. It wrote personal messages to us.

Not true. One of us, one of us, I'm not going to say which one, one of us has had a death threat. Apparently, apparently it would be nice

if one of our heads was pulled off, apparently. So I won't say who it was, but it was Ed. So, how do you feel about that, Ed? No, we're not saying who it... How do you feel about that?

If your head was pulled off and put in the bin at the John, is what they said. Well, if they could put it back on and I would still be alive, that would be fine. It would be an experience. Which I've established didn't happen. How do you feel? We had quite a lot of discussions, myself and you,

after the recording last week i'm fine with it and between the recording and the releasing of the podcast this week yeah where we discussed whether or not it was all right yeah it's fine i mean you weren't sure sunday night were you i'm fine now it's sunday night you were going not sure maybe because it is me saying it and i'm not sure maybe you know but it's no it's out there isn't it got to have the courage of my convictions yeah stick to my guns. I'm glad that baby died. Okay, good.

You are certainly sticking to your guns on that one, aren't you? Yeah, I am. I am. But I do agree that maybe a little bit dark last week. Yeah.

Time to lighten the mood. Quite frankly. Oh, so we're doing it? We are. We're going to lighten the mood. We're doing Ed's Amazing Births? Well, yeah, it's still the most popular

section on the podcast. Brilliant. It still has loads of fans on its own group and someone set up a raised food group yeah and i mean i think there were like four fans when i looked and then i went on the discussion no one's left anything on the wall no that's nothing to discuss just me just me i've just left something on the wall saying looking a bit bit quiet around here right okay you're trying to goad them and wind them up yeah well i mean we should say like on the record now that neither myself nor you are

affiliated to us. We've not started them. Oh, no, we've not started them, no. They've been started by fans, Apogee fans, or mentally ill people. People who are farting all the time out of their hands. Same thing, same thing. We appreciate it, but just don't think it is us

and we're running it. I was very concerned on your one, because I saw that every now and again it says, Ed's Amazing Birth says, amazing, or Ed's Amazing Birth says, that is an amazing birth. And I don't want people to think that that is you doing that. Yeah, that's me sat at home, putting all these updates on here,

trying to push this. Whereas, in reality, it's someone else, and I'm sat at home reading it. Yeah, which is weird. Yeah, which is worse, in a way. Which is weird. That's an NC theft, I think. Yeah, I think so. So, we're going to lighten the mood. I'm going to tell you a lovely story about a genuinely amazing birth. Okay. Okay? Okay. This is amazing in the sense that, you know, birth is amazing.

Right. Life is a miracle. Right, okay. So are we going to go with that? So here we go. Ed's Amazing Births. Yeah. It's Ed's Amazing Births.

Nice. For this story, we're going to hop in our little imaginary plane and fly all the way over to Nigeria. What's that? There's a 20-year-old woman. She was in quite a lot of pain. And she had a baby. Right. Which was fine.

In Nigeria? It's alive. I see. Right, so that's your amazing birth. Because you're acknowledging that birth is an amazing thing. I mean, yeah. I mean, she had a tortoise as well. All right, okay.

And I know what you're thinking. Yeah? Which one came out first? No, I wasn't thinking that. Right?

It was the tortoise, so I'd imagine that the baby fell asleep under a tree. I think that's how it goes, isn't it? Okay. I don't know, mate.

Yeah. So, she... I mean, I would imagine the baby... If she had the tortoise first, I would imagine the baby dropped out rather than...

Well, apparently the tortoise did... I mean, they said the doctor in Nigeria said that the tortoise... What's the doctor's name? I don't know, I've got the link there. Okay, let's have a look at this. So, apparently the tortoise did scratch her private part on the way out.

Okay. And tore up the placenta a little bit. But everyone's fine. I can't stress enough that everyone's fine. The tortoise is fine. The baby's fine. The mother's fine. I mean, I'll be honest with you, it's a big, big article. It article it's massive it gives you all the details can't be arsed reading it right um i

don't believe it right well i'll tell you what i thought that i mean you never believe it so we'll take that as granted i mean really you lost me at saying birth is an amazing thing right i don't think it is at all in fact i think if we were going to stop anything yeah in the world the first thing we should stop is reproduction but But then where would this section be? The same place where most of the children deserve to be. Fucking nowhere. Right. It's just, it's an absolute, I think anyone who has a child in this day and age is a fucking idiot.

Everyone who has a child. Absolutely everyone. Can I tell you why I thought it was a genuinely amazing story? Or do you want to rant about birth? I just want to rant about birth because I think until you shouldn't be allowed to have children until all children are accounted about I think until children until all children accounted for right so until all children counted all the children are accounted for right yeah so basically you can't have children until they found

my I think that's a really good point yeah I think genuinely should go right whoa stop we've lost one yeah until, it should be that, though. Yeah. It should be. You can't, until all children have a family around them, or whatever a family is, you know, whatever you decide that it is, until they have that, then no, you can't reproduce. No, right.

Until everyone's wanted, you can't reproduce. And if you do, you're a selfish fucking idiot. Well, can I tell you why I think it's amazing? Yeah, I'm just saying, will people stop having babies? Right, I'm not sure. It's stupid. It's stupid. All right.

And also, getting married. Well, there's no point to that. It's so fucking childish. What an enormous waste of money. Yes, but imagine if she was walking down the aisle, this woman, and the tortoise was carrying the ring. Right, tell me about the tortoise. Right, what I'm saying is, it's amazing that that child is going to grow up,

the baby one that came out after the tortoise. She's going to go to school and she's going to say, oh, do you have any brothers and sisters? And she's going to say, well, I am a twin. And they're going to go...

And they're going to go, identical? Not exactly. Where's your twin? Oh, he lives in a box in the shed. Before you know it, fucking child services have been called. Right, so here are pictures of them.

Right, are they the tortoise? So that's mother and child. Mother and child. Right, where's the tortoise? Well, a bit slow to get to the camera. I think I might need glasses. I can't actually read this at the moment. My eyes are very tired.

It's because your eyes can't consider that much truth. What's the joke? There's no joke. Look, and what's the first line of that quote? This is amazing but true. She did not register with my clinic for antenatal. When she came here with her people, she was in pains. We didn't know she will deliver here.

She only came for tahajjud prayers, night vigil. We were praying when suddenly she started wriggling. She was in pains. I touched her stomach and observed something strange moving inside her. It was a strange thing. I thought it was a lizard, but inside her. It was a strange thing. I thought it was a lizard but it turned out to be a tortoise.

Incredible. The tortoise tore the placenta into pieces and came out. The baby came out afterwards. She fainted after the delivery

and we have to receive... Mate, she shoved a tortoise up herself. No, she's not. That's what's happened in most of these things that you come up with. When, why would she

shove a tortoise up? What, for a bit of company for the baby? There are women in this world, right? Not all of them, but there are women and men as well. Oh, what, only African ones? Oh, I see where this is going. Go on, you two. Don't let Africans come over here. They shove tortoises up their faces.

Go on, you two. Go on, Xtube. Go on, any of these. You'll find women and men who shove all manner of stuff up themselves not a tortoise when you're pregnant they will shove a tortoise there'll be a woman

in the world and we think we found her who will shove a tortoise up a Chloe when she is pregnant right and then go off for a night prayers

and she'll find herself wriggling and in pains yeah and before you know it she's pushed the tortoise out and then the baby comes out and hopefully the baby is fine I don't think that's what happened this is absolute cock you know what she's pushed the tortoise out and then the baby comes out and hopefully the baby is fine.

I don't think that's what happened. This is absolute cock. You know what I think happened? What happened? Do you think she became birthed with tortoises? I think she had to go in the sewer for some reason

and fell into nuclear waste. Oh right, it was turtle now, is it? Yeah, well no, it's a tortoise and it works with both

and then a tortoise was made inside her and if you read to the bottom of the article which I won't she has a giant rat husband what's he called Splinter

yeah I mean from next week can we change the section hey what did the tortoise do shredded her placenta from next week

shredder can we change this section to Ed's stories at least that'll that'll give me free reign do you know what you can still do you can still do,

you can still do exactly what you're doing now, however you want to do it, but all I'm asking is that we rename it, that we call it Ed's Made Up Stories. No, I think what we should call it is Ed's Amazing Stories. No, Ed's Amazing Facts. No, no, that's the thing. We're not having facts in there.

They're amazing though, you agree with that? If it is a story. And it's me doing them, Ed. Ed's Amazing Facts. I'm them, Ed. Ed's amazing facts. I'm only having it if you take out facts. Anything that pertains to being true, take out the title. You've not brought any proof to show that any of these have not happened.

I've disproved all of them. I've brought you documentation that it happened. The only one I've not disproved is the miscarriage. This is a comedy podcast. I know. I shouldn't be saying that phrase at any point. It's a comedy podcast, but people are learning as well. They're not learning anything.

A woman... All they've learnt today is that I think that people that reproduce are idiots, and that you've got no fucking respect whatsoever for reproduction. I'm sorry. And yet you still agree with it, and you think that a woman in Africa has given birth to a tortoise. I think she has. Yeah, I think she has.

If you think you have, that's fine. I've not. At the moment, this is birth to a tortoise. I think she has. Yeah, I think she has. If you think you have, that's fine. I've not. At the moment, this is like the existence of God. It's not me that should have to disprove it. It's you that should have to prove it. I'm bringing you...

I'm having an article on the internet that says, yes, this is true, she did give birth to a tortoise. It's not proof. God, that's a good one. What? Jesus.

You can have that. As your amazing birth, you can have that. I can find you stuff about it. But it doesn't make it true. You are no fun. I'm not saying that Jesus wasn't born. I'm just saying that all the magic and stuff didn't happen. If he did die on that cross, he didn't wake up again.

Get me a medical certificate. He's digging up a tortoise on a cross. Right. How would they get it out there? I would imagine that as soon as they lay it down on its back, on the cross, the tortoise would clock someone's up and just retreat into its body. They'd have to glue it on with Loctite.

Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidewater. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.

See you next week. I think there's something up with her voice. What, that girl? She's kind of all robot-y. Yeah, I know. Is it getting worse every week? Yeah, she's more a robot every week. I think she has got something that means she turns into a robot. I know. Is it getting worse every week? Yeah, she's more a robot every week. I think she has got

something that means she turns into a robot. I know, the last time I listened and was editing the podcast, I really noticed when I listened back that when she says

that bit at the end there, it sounds proper like a robot now. Hello, I am a robot. It's not as bad as that. I'm worried about it.

You might have noticed that we've had a secret catchphrase this week. Can you guess what it is? Basically, me and Ed bet each other that we couldn't get it had a secret catchphrase this week can you guess what it is basically me and Ed bet each other

that we couldn't get it in right as a catchphrase which is a stupid thing to bet because it's only us who does this yeah

but we slipped it in quite seamlessly oh cheeky dirty fucking cow that was it then yeah dirty fucking cow

which is our new catchphrase so please use that as much as you can on the Facebook page and stuff. And just in life. In life generally.

What I would like everyone who listens to this to do is to just pick four people at random. Yeah. At random on their Facebook and just write a message saying dirty fucking cow to them. Yeah. Just see what happens. Another thing you can do, and this is worth doing,

go on YouTube, type in dirty fucking cow. Right? I've watched a bit where the bull tries to mount another bull. It's called, like, bull stacks it. Yeah, bull stacks or something. But, genuinely, it's about a 10, 15 second video. Yeah.

I promise you, it'll really make you laugh. Yeah. Yeah? And if you're that way inclined, it might turn you on as well, because they are doing sex. Dirty fucking cow.