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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Attack, attack, attack! Peacock and Gamble podcast!
Ah, my child!
Oh my god, oh my god! Ray Peacock and Gamble!
Podcast!
What was that?
Like a war.
Why would we start a podcast with a war?
Just set a big exciting opening like Pearl Harbor.
It wasn't at all.
It was.
It wasn't. It upset me.
Did it?
Brought back memories of the war for me, that.
Were you in the war?
Yep.
How old are you?
71.
That's a shock, isn't it?
I remember that we went to the war? Yep. How old are you? 71. That's a shock, isn't it?
I remember that we went
to the war,
me and all my friends,
because we got
drafted into the soldiers.
But you, of course,
lied about your age,
didn't you?
To get into the war,
because I wanted
to go and fight Jerry.
Yeah.
And basically,
what happened was,
is I had a job
at the time
as what he used to call
a butcher's boy.
Which basically meant the local butcher had to go and have sex with him.
That was a popular job in the 40s, wasn't it?
In the 40s.
You say nowadays.
Oh, you can't do that.
Can't do that nowadays.
But to be honest with you, he was happy because he had a little boy to have sex with.
You were getting a few tuppence here and there.
I was happy because I got tuppence here and there
and all the mints I could scrape up.
Take it home, put it in the hot pot.
Yeah, brilliant.
Your parents were happy because you were bringing home the meat.
Yeah, wouldn't have even got on the news that in them days.
No, different time.
Yeah, no, but anyway, I decided,
I mean, even though I was only four,
I decided to go and be in the war. Yeah, but you lied about your age. I lied about my age and even though I was only four, I decided I would be in the war.
Yeah, but you lied about your age.
I lied about my age.
I said I was 16.
Yeah, but you were four.
I was actually four years old.
And I went off to the war and fought it.
Yeah.
We won.
You won?
Yeah.
You won it.
Not single-handedly.
Well, modesty prevents me from saying that it was me that won it.
Admittedly, I was instrumental in burning down the rice dog.
If that is a thing.
Yeah, I think, well, it's not anymore.
You burned it down when you were four.
I burned it down, mate.
Do you know what?
Here's a little history secret that you might not know.
Right.
I didn't even burn it down on purpose.
I was having a little cheeky cigarette out the back.
Yeah.
Because I wasn't meant to be smoking because I was only four.
Yeah.
And I was having, we used to call them a woodbine.
A woodbine, yeah, out the back of the Reichstag.
Yeah, I used to have them out the back of the Reichstag.
By the bikes, out the back of the Reichstag.
In my shirt, my army shirt, I had a pocket on a sleeve.
Right.
You don't see that nowadays.
No, you don't.
But then it was commonplace. Yeah. So I have a pocket on your sleeve. With your woodb't see that nowadays. No, you don't. But then it was commonplace.
Yeah.
To have a pocket on your sleeve.
With your wood binds in.
Yeah.
On my right sleeve it was.
On your right.
I had them on both ones.
I had them on right and left.
But fortunately, on the left hand side,
when my mum had sewed on me arrows for being the captain,
she'd only bloody well sewn the pocket together.
I didn't have the art to tell her,
because she was already upset about me going to Russia.
And of course it was
people say cigarettes
are bad for your health.
Yeah.
It was actually
the cigarette box
that saved you.
The metal tin.
The bullet went in
didn't it?
Yeah.
And it hit there
because if it had gone
in your arm
it would have hit your heart
and then you would have died.
Yeah.
Luckily you had your
metal baccy tin.
Yeah.
And I've still got that.
Yeah.
Still lucky that.
It's on the mantelpiece with the dent from the bullet in it.
And I often wonder what would have happened
if I hadn't been shot in the cigarette tin in the arm
whilst I was having a woodbine out the back of the Reichstag.
Then we'd all be speaking German now.
Welcome to the show.
Welcome to the show.
We'd all be speaking German now.
Welcome to the show.
Right, it's time for another Ray's Breakdown update.
We can't do that. I want to reminisce a bit more about the war.
No, that's part of the thing I was going to say.
What?
I just decided we'll do a big bombastic opening to the podcast.
Yeah.
And you decided to invent memories about the war.
I didn't invent them.
All right.
They're in there somewhere.
You've decided that you were in the war, which is worse.
Lots of people are eccentric.
So I don't see why I should be criticised for that. Yeah, but there's a fine line between eccentricity and utter remedial madness.
All right, which one is this, right?
I went to a service station the other night.
Yeah.
Middle of the night, driving home.
Yeah.
About four in the morning, half four in the morning in the morning yeah stopped at the services because I wanted
something sweet I bought a Turkish delight that's fine right no wait went to the counter
gave the man the Turkish delight and he went and I looked at him and he went Turkish delight
and I went yeah and he went are you going to Turkey
and I went what and he, are you going to Turkey?
And I went, what?
And he went, are you going to Turkey after you have eaten it?
And I went, no.
And he went, Turkish delight.
Now, is he mad or not?
No, probably just a misunderstanding.
It's only he's handling money.
You should have tested him with some other things to see if he just did it with all of them.
Yeah.
Boost.
Are you going on a rocket?
Are you having a boost on a rocket
after you have eaten it?
All right, what's what breakdown I've had?
I've been actually relatively normally behaved this week, I think.
No, a couple of things.
Well, one major thing
and one little incidental thing
that happened in your own house.
Because I find that you're most broken down
when you're just walking around your kitchen.
I'm not broken.
You are completely broken.
Why?
In your house,
you spend more time with your trousers around your ankles
than you do with them up.
I don't see why I should be...
You made me ballroom dance with you yesterday
with your trousers down.
I forgot.
What was the song we were singing?
And then a hero comes along.
That was what we were singing.
With a straighter carrier. Yeah, we were singing that and doing a ballroom dance. That was what we were singing. With a straighter carrier.
We were singing that and doing a ballroom dance.
Now, what is wrong with us?
Me and you, the two grown men doing that behind closed doors.
Consensually in the privacy of our own home.
See, it wasn't really consensually.
I wasn't really happy about it because I was just trying to make my dinner.
And you grabbed me and made me ballroom dance.
That's not fair.
I didn't grab you at all. You were singing as you made your dinner and I was in my dinner. Yeah. And you grabbed me and made me ballroom dance. That's not fair. I didn't grab you at all.
You were singing
as you made your dinner
and I was in the office.
Yeah.
I heard you singing
and came running through
and joined in the song.
With your trousers around your ankle.
That's because I'd run down the hall.
I'd run down the hall
and when I sit at the computer
I often just undo my belt.
So that's not mad.
And you joined in.
You did exactly the same as me.
Every time you run
do your trousers come down?
Pretty much, yeah.
I'd like to see you get
to all the training for
the marathon and then
get to the get to be
first on the start line
and then start running
trousers immediately
fall down you fall flat
on your face and
everyone else just runs
off.
Right I'll do that next
year.
I'll sponsor you.
I'll do it for the
spastic society.
How about that?
I'll do it for the
scope now.
I'll do it for the
scopes.
Yeah alright there you
go you do it for the scopes. Alright. Good right okay well scopes. Yeah, alright, there you go, you do it for the scopes.
Good, right, okay, well that was one thing.
In fact, that was another thing I thought of. There's still two more
things. What? You autographed your
own fridge. Right. In
permanent marker. Right, I admit
that. You wrote, to the fridge,
best wishes, Ray Peacock.
Yep, yep, I admit that. So what happened
in your head? I have been signing a few
autographs this week.
And I think it's only right, if you're signing autographs,
that you should practice it at home.
Is what I think.
And I also, I mistook the fridge for a whiteboard.
I thought it would have the same thing as a whiteboard,
but what I forgot was, on a whiteboard you have special whiteboard pens.
Yeah, so you can wipe it off.
Yeah, and permanent marker will stay on it.
Yeah.
But I don't think there's anything...
It's my fridge.
You didn't even write anything sort of pithy, like, to the fridge.
Stay cool.
Best wishes, Ray Peacock.
Oh, that would have been a good one.
Yeah.
I'll maybe do the freezer with that.
Yeah.
I'll put...
Chill.
To the freezer.
Yeah, chill out.
Yeah.
I'll get something from Batman and Robin.
There's going to be stuff in there that Arnold Schwarzenegger said, isn't there?
Yeah, definitely.
Right, so you signed your fridge.
I mean, not really a breakdown, is it?
It's just...
Well, I'd like to hear from anyone else who signed their fridge.
I would as well.
Start a club.
Yeah, well, unfortunately, we won't be able to hear from anyone else who signed their
fridge because they don't have emails in mental hospitals.
They do, actually.
You can still access Facebook.
Yeah, I read about that in the Sun.
This next one's a little bit, this was in public.
We went to see Nightmare on Elm Street last night.
Do you know what? I'm going to give you this one, because I don't know what I was doing.
No, well I know what you were doing, but I don't know why you were doing it.
No, that's what I meant as well.
I know that I didn't mean it to go on as long as it did.
Well, we went to see Nightmare on Elm Street. By the way, shit.
Not a great film.
No, it was awful.
Some people like it and they're entitled to it.
Some people don't and they're right.
Yeah.
So we arrived.
Yeah.
I sat down, popped myself down with my bag of popcorn.
Yeah.
You were sort of struggling to take your coat off
because you had a big hot dog in your hand.
Most of my coats have got mustard on a sleeve.
That is true, you know.
Yeah.
That is true.
You try and pull the hot dog through the sleeve.
That's true.
I do do that.
I do do that.
You were trying to get your coat off,
at which point you realised you were facing the full cinema.
Natural performer.
Yeah.
Can't help it.
I saw something go through your head and a little glint in your eye.
Yeah.
And then you started talking to the crowd
as if you were the director of the film
doing a special talk before the screening.
Yeah.
I said, thanks for coming, everybody.
My name's...
I said, Wes Anderson.
Which I think Wes Anderson is a director.
Yeah, but I think Wes Craven,
you were getting mixed up with.
Yeah, no, I knew.
I know Wes Craven did Nightmare on Elm Street,
but I know that he didn't direct this one.
But I don't know who did direct this one.
So Wes Anderson.
Wes Anderson, I decided it'd be.
You just did a little talk for, I mean, I'd say three minutes.
I wonder how many people thought that.
I wonder if people went home and told their family that the director was there.
I think most people would probably go,
this bloke's just walked in holding a hot dog.
There's no lights on him.
Oh!
He doesn't even have a seat.
Oh, you're saying
that the director of a film
can't eat an hot dog?
Yeah, but you'd think
he would get it out of the way
before or after.
You'd think he would
but maybe he wants to
just portray himself
as a bit casual.
Maybe he wants to make sure
that people think
hey, alright,
I'm a director of a big film.
I'm approachable.
I eat an hot dog
just like you.
That's all I was doing.
They'd probably think as well
oh Wes Anderson didn't direct this
they won't know that
or I'll just check who directed it
just to make sure
that this strange looking bloke
holding a hot dog
well them people in that audience that night
know nothing mate
because they were all thick
right they were that's true
I was sat next to Darth Vader
yeah
if you breathe like that
don't go out.
Around the moment of the day.
Oh.
Right, and she was asking me about a work thing that I'd done, about how it had gone.
And I said, oh, it went very well.
And she went, do you know what that is?
And I went, what?
And she went, yesterday, I saw a pin on the floor.
And I went, right?
And she went, do you know what?
I thought of that thing.
See a pin, pick it up.
All day long, you'll have good luck.
And I went, right.
And I went, well, first off, I'm pretty sure the saying is see a penny, pick it up.
Yeah.
Right, but it might be a pin.
It might have been in the olden days.
Yeah.
When they didn't have money.
Yeah, exactly.
But it might be a pin, it might have been in the olden days.
Yeah.
When they didn't have money.
Yeah, exactly.
And second off, I'm not having you thinking that you're the reason for any professional success that I'm having.
Least of all, I'm not having you putting it down to the fact you picked a fucking pin up.
But of course the saying is, you're right, it's see a penny, pick it up, and then all day you will have good luck. Yeah.
But the other saying is, see a pin pin pick it up yeah tomorrow your son ray will
have good luck yeah yeah ray will do well in comedy yeah the famous she she naturally thought
she suddenly transferred her good luck for no reason it's furious also the other thing
professionally that was happening i did some warm-up for graham norton what just cuddling
and that what do you know what everyone that i've said, everyone that I've told that I was doing the warm-up for Graham
Norton, literally everyone, and I find this quite alarming, literally everyone rolls
their eyes and makes some sort of, ooh.
Yeah, of course they do.
Anything to do with Graham Norton, people will do that.
Because Graham Norton's gay?
No, because he's deliberately camp and showman-like.
Right, do you think that's what it is?
And they're feminine.
That's his hook, isn't it? Right, do you think that's what it is? And they're feminine, that's his hook,
isn't it?
Yeah,
but I've done one with him.
And most of his jokes
are like,
oh,
bums.
Or at least they were
when he started.
Right.
So that's why
he's deliberately
associated himself with that.
So people,
in fact,
he's done well.
Somebody on the Facebook page
said,
oh,
I hope you kept your back
to the wall.
Yeah,
we don't agree with that.
And I put,
why?
Can I say on the record, right,
and I've been in Mr Norton's company
a few times now,
he's not once tried to rape me.
I guess if I was to say it,
I don't even think he would kiss me.
I mean, I don't know what his type is.
Does he like bears and that?
I've got absolutely no idea.
Ask him.
The next time you go,
wear some little shorts
and make sure when you're doing that warm-up,
march up and down.
Yeah, alright, I will. I will wear Doc Martens as well.
I'll stomp up and down and see what happens.
But you're probably now thinking, oh hang on, I didn't know Ray was gay.
I'll tell you now why I'm not, because I've got myself a new girlfriend. Sort of.
Sort of, I think I know who this is going to be.
Do you know what's weird about it?
What?
You'd rung me the week before.
Yeah.
Before we even knew I was going to be in this lady's company.
Yeah.
And told me a dream you had.
I had a dream where you were going to be brilliant friends.
Yeah.
Just friends, mind.
Just friends, yeah, yeah.
Just really odd friends.
Yeah.
With J-Lo slash Jennifer Lopez.
Yeah.
I rang you a few days later and went, mate, guess who the guest is on Graham Norton next week?
Yeah.
Jennifer Lopez, who you had that dream about me becoming friends with.
You'd be disappointed if it wasn't, if the end of the story was,
and I called you and went, mate, guess who the guest is?
Cindy Lopez.
So anyway, I did the warm-up.
Everyone was a little bit on tenterhooks.
Right.
Because Jennifer Lopez apparently has a reputation as being a bit of a diva. Right. To be honest with you, I knew nothing about her. You knew she was from the block. I knew Jennifer on thes. Right. Because Jennifer Lopez has, apparently, her reputation has been a bit of a diva.
Right.
To be honest with you,
I knew nothing about her.
You knew she was
from the block.
I knew Jennifer
from the block.
Yeah.
That's all I knew.
But even that,
I didn't really know what...
At any point,
did you find yourself
being fooled by the rocks
that she's got?
I didn't.
I saw her rocks
and they were
lovely rocks she had on her.
Yeah.
But I didn't get fooled
by the rocks.
At any point. At no point did the rocks go, oh, look over Yeah. But I didn't get fooled by the rocks. At any point.
At no point did the rocks go, oh, look over there.
And I turned round and then they'd gone.
Right?
At no point did the rocks say to me, hey, have a look through this telescope.
Right?
And I got the telescope and looked and went, I can't see nothing.
And they went, oh, nothing.
And they had a black ring around my eye.
I tell you one that they try a lot.
One of the rocks will try.
Yeah.
He'll go, did you know that the blue whale is a fish?
I mean, to be honest with you, all the rocks did that night when I saw them.
One of the rocks was saying, oh, hello, Ray.
How are you?
Oh, yeah, fine, thank you.
I mean, I wasn't filled by the rocks at any point.
No.
But one of the rocks did say, oh, you've not worked here long, not and i went no no i said i'm a second one and they went oh right
i tell you um well you could do me a favor you want i went what's that and they went go get me
some tartan paint and i went and had a look yeah i couldn't find it so you did get fooled by the
roxy scott no they were just asking me to get this in tartan paint right i went and had a lot but
i couldn't give you but it doesn't exist they didn't have any did the other one me to get me some Tartan paint. Right. I went and had a look, but I couldn't. Yeah, but there doesn't exist. They didn't have any.
Did the other one go, oh, get me a Skyhawk?
Yeah, I went and had a look for that as well.
No.
I wasn't.
So you realise you've been fooled by the rocks.
I wasn't fooled by the rocks, because I went and looked, didn't I?
Yeah, but that's why they fooled you, because they don't exist.
No, they didn't.
The rocks were saying, they were saying, can you go and get us a Skyhawk and some Tartan
paint?
Yeah, but the rocks.
And I was like, well, they're with J-Lo, so I'd better go and.
That means they fooled you.
The rocks fooled you.
They didn't fool me.
The ones that she's got
did fool you.
Right, well,
J-Lo's rocks that she's got
didn't fool me.
Right.
Because A,
I know that she's still
Jenny from the Block.
Right.
And B,
because I went to try and get them
and couldn't get them.
So,
so if they fooled me,
I would have got them,
wouldn't I?
And they'd have been like,
oh, we made you go get something.
But I went and tried to get in.
Yeah, but Tartan Paint doesn't exist,
so you've been fooled by the rocks.
It doesn't exist.
They just didn't have it in that...
Was it...
They just didn't have it in the shop at the London Studios.
That's all that happened.
Was it fairly clear to you when you met her
that she used to have a little,
but now she's got a lot?
Do you know what?
She had very little baggage with her.
Just their rocks.
She was literally just stood there,
waiting for it to go on.
But anyway,
the true bit of this, right,
is everyone was a little bit on tenterhooks, okay?
On skyhooks.
Yeah, you're on skyhooks
without JLo being there.
Now, I'm not...
I think partly because
I don't know who she is.
Right.
I didn't even know she was an actress.
I thought she was a singer.
She does do that, yeah.
Yeah.
So part of it was because, like,
I'm not arsed about it, really.
No.
So I was just stood next to her backstage.
I'd done the warm-up.
Graham was on speaking with the audience.
I was just leaning over a box thing, you know,
that they carry speakers and stuff around.
Another member of the crew squeezed past behind me.
Yeah.
And banged into my hip.
Was it Graham?
It wasn't Graham.
No, Graham was on the stage.
Right.
And they went, oh, sorry, Ray.
And I went, no, no, don't worry.
It's just my fucking fat arse.
And then there was a moment, because I was sitting next to Jayler.
Yeah.
And I went, oh.
And just put my head down on my arm.
And then I felt a hand on my shoulder and she was laughing.
Oh, that's nice.
She was proper laughing.
And when she laughs, she puts her hand on you.
Whoa.
How adorable is that?
Sounds good.
So literally, I'm a mischief maker.
Yeah.
Turns out she's a bloody mischief maker as well.
Yeah.
She was brilliant.
Yeah.
We had a right laugh.
Everyone was scared of her and scared of me by default.
There's a bit where a bloke came over and went,
when you go, Jennifer, you sit on the right of the sofa
and Alan and the other guests and that,
they'll sit there and that.
And she went, well, I'm sitting on the same sofa as these two.
I'm not sitting on the same sofa as yours.
Right, the show had started.
Yeah.
And I just started laughing.
Yeah.
And she started off as well
going I can't even do these jokes
everyone takes them seriously
when I do these jokes
so she was fucking with them
that's cool
yeah she was brilliant
anyway what I want to know mainly
what
is in my dream
she carried you round
in her handbag
yeah well
that happened
that happened later on
alright time for one of the few remaining sections that has been running all the way through
well it's not there's no more ads amazing burbs there's no more business section we're
but the one that has remained is of course ray does Ray does the food, says the food, and you think of the food.
Yeah.
After I say it, I'm Ray.
Hello, by the way.
Hello, I'm Ed.
When I say the food or drink, you think, I'd like some of that, and then you go to the supermarket and get it out of the fridge this week.
Lettuce.
Lettuce.
Eat lettuce.
Awful. Lettuce. It's called green. Lettuce. Eat lettuce.
Lettuce. It's called green.
Lettuce. Don't mix it up with lettuce.
Careful you don't
go to your post box in the morning
and eat that. That won't help you
if you are slimming.
Because ink is fat and everyone knows that.
Have some lettuce.
It's at the bottom of a broad cocktail.
Have some lettuce. Put's at the bottom of a broad cocktail. Have some lettuce.
They put it on your hamburger.
Lettuce.
Have a lettuce.
Eat an old one like an apple.
Iceberg lettuce.
That is another sort.
Lettuce.
The food of choice for the Inuits.
No.
Lettuce.
Put an old one in your mouth and just suck it till it melts.
Lettuce.
Lettuce pray.
Lettuce.
Lettuce, lettuce, lettuce.
Get two, put them in a bra.
Go out as a woman and then come home and have a snack
it facilitates your sexual fantasies and keeps you full
let us the dirty woman of fruit. Oh, no!
Lettuce!
Lettuce!
Lettuce!
Lettuce!
I like the thing, though, that you have dreams and predict the future.
Well, I think it's because I've been ill.
I've been having quite sort of horrible dreams, like torrid dreams. You didn't dream about the World Trade Center, did you, before it happened?
I don't know. I was a bit younger, so I probably didn't understand what it meant.
Yeah.
And then it was too late by that point.
Did you dream about two towers and planes.
Yeah, but I thought
it was Lord of the Rings.
Oh, God.
Because that was out then,
wasn't it?
Is there any place you dreamt about
that predicted the future?
Yeah.
Oh, what a disaster.
This now.
You dreamt this has happened?
Yeah, and a volcano.
You dreamt about a volcano,
didn't you?
Yeah.
With the soot.
Yeah, with all the soot
coming out of it.
People couldn't do
to fly a jet on it.
How come a bit of ash comes out of a volcano, right? All of a sudden can't fly in London. Yeah, with all the soot coming out of it. People couldn't do the flyer jet on it. How come a bit of ash comes out of a volcano, right?
All of a sudden, can't fly in London.
Yeah, there's planes going over Yorkshire all the time.
They've got all, like, chimblies there, haven't they?
From the coal fires.
I think it's different, like, because, you know,
when the chimblies do the soot, right,
they're very small little puffs.
And the cloud of soot coming out of the big
chimbley and um in uh in summerfield was massive like the size of um britain
and that is this we should do um news reporting the fact that there was a big chimbley in summerfield
right where all the soot come out Yeah. Yeah, we put it into language
where people understand now.
You know, we just,
we've put people's minds at rest.
All the little puffs in Yorkshire
won't stop a plane flying over there.
Have we?
We have.
Yeah.
That's what we've done today.
Yeah.
And I tell you what,
I used to love having my little puffs
out in the chimbley in Yorkshire.
I used to live in an house
that had a coal fire in Yorkshire.
Yeah?
I loved it.
But it didn't stop a plane?
No, it didn't stop a plane.
There was a little kill skull outside.
Oh, I used to love it.
Yeah, it was really nice.
It was a woolly edge.
Well, I've not...
A woolly collier, rather.
I've not had any more predicting dreams recently,
but because I've been ill,
I've been having quite sort of vivid dreams.
What ones have you had?
There was one where I was in bed with a lady, right?
That's straight...
Well, I like this dream
now. No, but I think it was after
everything had happened. Now, before you say this,
that's progress, that, isn't it?
Do you remember you were having
trouble with your masturbating?
No, I wasn't. You were walking around the house
masturbating. You've made that up.
I'm glad now. I mean, alright, it's just a dream, but I'm glad
now that you are now seeing it as not
a solo pursuit. Okay.
That your onanism has been...
Done in the dualism.
Yeah.
It's started to shame you so much.
Right.
That you've started looking at a proper,
normal relationship.
Right, well, do you see how normal it is?
Right, well...
Who was the lady?
I don't know, I never saw her face.
I get worried when I...
Because if I sort of know I'm having a dream,
I get worried if I can't see someone's face
because if I turn them
over then it would
just be bones
or a dwarf
in a red coat
like in Schindler's List
so I was in bed
with a lady right
and I think we'd
finished everything
we were going to
had you been doing sex?
I think that was
the general feeling of it
oh you don't fucking care
she was naked right
right
right
what were you wearing?
I never looked.
Never checked.
It was Wally's in a Southwestern one,
wasn't it?
If I'd known Ed Gamble.
Yeah, it would have been.
She had a tattoo
all on her back, right?
That's quite sexy.
It was the tube map.
Are you making this up?
No, this is true.
All right.
But it was the tube,
like London Underground map
for our American listeners. Like London, like London Underground map for our American listeners.
Like London, like full London Underground map.
Was she a big lady or not?
No, like a very slim lady.
How did it fit under then?
Well, I don't know.
She had a, because you could do like a little one.
It doesn't have to be to scale, does it?
And it was.
Does anyone else got that in real life?
I think we should check because, but this was spread out over her back.
Oh, can you find, if anyone knows anyone who's got the tube, that's fucking hilarious.
But it was in black and white
which made it very difficult
to tell what lines were what.
Yeah.
And the dream
didn't last very long.
I just remember
pointing at a tube stop
and going,
that is where I live on you.
And then I woke up.
But because I live,
I live quite far out.
But I have to get a bus. Because I live quite far out... But I have to get a bus!
Because I live quite far out.
It was right round on her hip.
Hey, that's good, though, isn't it?
I can see why your mind has been working.
Because you've gone,
oh, let me show you where I live.
Oh, just around this corner here,
I can see the side of my knockout.
Now this corner here, I can see the side of my knockout.
Right, it's time for a new section,
because Ed's Amazing Birds, very sadly, is finished for a bit.
I'm quite enjoying this, you know.
I know that other than the food section,
like Clean Slate is weak, isn't it?
Yeah.
I'm quite enjoying it.
Yeah.
Hey, Grace Olivia Simkins asked me if I'd do a shout-out. Do we do then not really no no she sent me a message though apparently she's gonna move
to cornwall right so she needs something to cheer her up she said all right well shout a shout out
for that right hello is that how you do it yeah yeah what is what do you have to do have we done
it we've done it by saying her name is that a a shout-out? I think that's a shout-out. I've got no idea.
She said that she used to love the Chris Moyle Show podcast,
but now I love yours.
Right, well, I will shout at her for that.
Does Chris Moyle do shout-outs?
Yeah, he must do shout-outs.
He's got to do some of it, hasn't he?
Well, big shout-out to Grace, anyway.
Yeah, well done, Grace.
I'm going Cornwall Head.
It's all right for you. Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine. If he's not, just come Grace, anyway. Yeah, well done, Grace. I'm going Cornwall Head. It's all right for you.
Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine.
If it's not, just come home, babe.
Yeah.
Right, well, this is the new section.
Film pitches.
Have you done one of them?
I have.
What, you've written one?
Yeah.
Really?
I think, you know what?
I thought, oh, I'll do a silly one, right?
Yeah.
I think this could be a real film.
We've actually spent today, haven't we,
doing genuine treatments for television?
Yeah.
What's the point of this?
What's the point of the section?
The section is, we could, like, you could do one
next week, but I'm doing one this week. I'm not sure
I can be bothered. Alright, fine.
We write a film pitch with, like, casting
suggestions and plot and, you know.
And I think we should come up with the name of
someone, like a pseudonym, and
send off the film pictures to, like,
Universal and stuff
and see if we get a film made.
Are we allowed to do that?
Don't we have to do this through our management?
Well, our manager will be listening to this now.
If he likes the sound of this,
then we'll do it through them.
Well, I think what we should do there,
I think it should be called Ed's Film Pictures.
So you don't have to do one?
This section.
I think we should do it like...
It's replacing Ed's Amazing Birth. All right, we'll call it Ed's Film be called Ed's Film Pitches so you don't have to do one this section I think we should do it like it's replacing Ed's
Amazing Births
alright well we'll
call it Ed's Film
Pitches
Ed's Film Pitches
Ed has to come up
with a film pitch
it might not be
every week we'll
see if this works
no it's got to be
every week and
then I'll do that
jokey thing where
I'll go no Ed
this is a stupid
idea and then
yeah so just
it's Ed's Amazing
Births but without
the births in it
alright well let's
see if it works
first because none
of this might not even be in.
Probably not.
This might just be us having a chat.
Yeah.
I'm not even actually cold, mate.
Right.
The film is called...
Yeah.
We'll start with the title.
Muffin McBride, Whore Out of Water.
Right.
Right?
I think you're going to have problems with some of the major film, you know, cinema chains.
Right.
Well, I'm willing to...
You know what?
I'm willing to change the title.
What to?
Just Muffin McBride.
What's Muff?
Obviously in pictures and stuff we need to put it in a way that people understand.
Are we in this?
You are, possibly.
Oh, nice one.
We need to put it in a way that people understand.
So I've described it as like Crocodile Dundee 2 meets From Hell meets California Man.
Right, so what ones of them have I seen?
I've seen From Hell.
From Hell, right.
And Crocodile Dundee 2 is the one where he's in the city, isn't it?
I don't know.
And California Man is...
I don't know what that is.
Brendan Fraser is a caveman who's been frozen,
and then he gets frozen out in modern times.
What's the point of Brendan Fraser?
I don't know, but he's not in this.
Right, this is the story of Muffin McBride,
a saucy Victorian prostitute,
who, while servicing a client,
showing her nethers for a farthing,
trips and lands in a magic puddle
which takes her to the year 2010.
She does not know the social conventions.
She looks wrong and does not speak proper
for present-day New York.
She must try and fit into her new job as a
high profile magazine editor.
Which is difficult when she
keeps having a wee in the street.
Gets drunk in the morning, smokes opium
in the office and keeps trying to get her
dirty pillows out for policemen.
This is a fucking brilliant idea mate.
But it is not all
fun and frolics.
She has been followed
through the magic puddle
by none other
than Jack the Ripper
gentleman murderer.
He causes carnage
in New York
and also many
comedy capers
as he accidentally
kills many women
he believes to be
muffin.
Including his own great-granddaughter.
With only the help of her new boyfriend Terence,
the professional American ball player,
her best friend homeless bag lady,
and her trusty talking dog Terence,
Muffin must find a way to send Jack tumbling back
to Victorian London before he can gut any more working girls.
But Muffin is also
pregnant
and all might not
be as it seems
brackets
the baby is a wolf
made of
crisps
I can see what you're doing
you're not right
you were doing
very well then
yeah
is that the end of your pitch
no there's a few other bits
but that's the end of the plot
but that's an amazing
birth isn't it
you're sneaking an amazing
birth into this
I'm not having
that.
The baby is a
wolf made of
crisps.
A wolf made of
crisps?
Yeah.
Right and
what's the
It's amazing
that isn't it?
It is amazing.
At least you're
not claiming to
have found that.
Right.
Alright well so
Muffin's got a
wolf crisp baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It is a family
comedy slash
slapstick prostitute
drama.
Yeah.
Casting suggestions
Muffin for
Melinda Messenger. Alright well she's not doing nothing now. Yeah. She fell out with Ian Wright. Yeah. Casting suggestions. Muffin, I thought. Melinda Messenger.
Alright, well she's not doing nothing now.
Yeah.
She fell out with Ian Wright.
Yeah.
He's a prick, that bloke, isn't he?
Vinnie Jones as Jack the Ripper.
Or Danny Dyer.
That would work perfect.
Jack the Ripper?
Yeah.
He's not shy about cutting, is he?
Morgan Freeman as Terrence.
Which one's Terrence?
Terrence.
Well, there's two Terrences.
Because there's Terrence the boyfriend
and Terrence the dog. Morgan Freeman as Terrence the boyfriend. Right. Tim Allen as Bagrence. Which one's Terrence? Terrence, well there's two Terrences because there's Terrence the boyfriend and Terrence the dog.
Morgan Freeman
is Terrence the boyfriend.
Right.
Tim Allen
is Bag Lady.
I think you should
probably change
the two Terrences
to a different name.
I think that's a bit confusing.
Yeah, I've also heard you
already say
Tim Allen as a Bag Lady
and I'm not sure that
I mean, you've got
Vinnie Jones playing
Jack the Ripper
and Tim Allen
playing a Bag Lady.
Do you know what I mean?
I think you might get
stared at at your pitch meetings. Right, and either Brad Pitt or you as the voice of Terrence the dog. Ripper and Tim Allen playing a bag lady. Do you know what I mean? I think you might get stared at at your pitch meetings.
Right, and either Brad Pitt or you as the voice of Terrence the dog.
I'll do it.
Right, alright.
I think that would be pretty good, that film.
Why has Terrence the dog got a voice?
Because he's a talking dog.
I missed that bit.
Before we can cut any more.
What happens at the end?
Well, we don't know.
What do you mean we don't know?
We've not seen it.
Yeah, it's a pitch.
But you don't...
Do you have to say what happens at the end?
Pretty much, you have to say the whole story.
Right, well, she sends Jack back to London.
How?
Victorian London.
A lot of things we write have portals in them, don't they?
We're writing a real film that's got a portal in it.
Yeah.
Well, this is a puddle, mainly.
Oh, yeah.
Well, ours might be a better time to budget.
She pushes him in, she pushes him in.
She pushes him in a puddle?
Yeah.
On the off-transit support?
Well, no, I'll tell you what she does.
What?
She stands on the other side of the street.
She goes,
Jack, Jack, come over here.
I want you to kill me, right?
I want you to kill me.
Yeah, he tries to walk across the street.
Terence the dog drives a New York taxi
through a puddle in the curb.
It splashes him.
It goes all over him
and it evaporates back into Victorian London.
And then she's basically got to make the decision
whether she stays in modern times
or goes into the past, back into the past.
And what actually happens is that
someone has to go in the puddle
and actually the bag lady goes in her stead
because she wants to stay with Terrence and Terrence the dog.
Tim Allen this.
Tim Allen as the bag lady goes into the past
and becomes Queen Victoria.
So this film ends with Tim Allen
throwing himself in a puddle.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, it does, yeah.
I'm not...
Will this section work,
do you think?
Peacock and Gamble podcast
was devised and performed
by Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble.
All music by
The Tiger Lilies
except for the last one
which is performed
by Frank Seidlerson.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.
Right, now it's the end bit now after the music.
Let's do our regular section now at the end.
Yeah, PG Tips we do at the end normally, don't we?
We always do PG Tips.
We normally always do PG Tips.
Famously.
Can't this week. How come? I wrote it down down the tip that we were doing yeah tripped over yeah and
dropped the tip into the mouth of the world that's horrible yeah it just went in actually instead of
the tips i've got a little story to tell you just a quick one okay and i heard about this man my
mum knows him so it's not like it's not like i've got it off the internet right okay he works in fulham right he's a doctor who works in fulham yeah came
out the abbey national right in fulham tripped over right hit his head yeah he woke up in the
beacons in wales yeah what do you mean he woke up there what did he fall through the ground he hit
his head he got knocked out he had no memory of it no memory of how he got there or why he was
there somebody got he got there himself yeah that was there somebody got there he got there himself
yeah
that's what they think
that is terrifying
I've never heard that happen before
you can just hit your head
and then just
come round somewhere
yeah
do you know what
I've got to tell you though
if that was me
first thing I'd do
what
hand down the back of my trousers
yeah
I'd want to know