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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Hello there! Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Wait, so I... I up?
I don't know, I've just started I.
I hope I don't have to maintain this for the duration of the podcast, otherwise I'm just going to get, oh no.
You are talking like you are broadcasting from the top of a mountain.
And I am down here with the mics.
Yeah, and I've got a tablet with the Ten Commandments of the Peacock and Gamble podcast on it.
Who are you anyway?
Moses.
No, you're Ed.
Oh, Ed Gambles.
Yeah, and I am Ray Peacock.
What do you mean, Ed Gambles?
And welcome to the Peacock and Gambles podcast.
What would our Ten Commandments be?
I don't know
probably like
thou shalt do a funny laugh
the second one would be
thou shalt not murder
I agree with that one
I agree with that one
I'm going to keep that
a lot of mine are going to be the same
I'm going to keep that
thou shalt not kill
I'm going to keep that
from the other one
because I agree with that
yeah
thou shalt
give us a present
yeah give us a present
every now and again.
Someone's given us presents.
I've not unwrapped them yet.
This was ages ago.
Yeah.
That was ages ago.
I still don't know what they are.
Who was it who gave you the presents?
A boy called Tom.
He's a man, really.
All right.
Grown up boy.
All right.
And his girlfriend, who I think was called Lou.
All right, Tom and Lou.
Oh, no.
He went to the Lou.
Right.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, thanks, Tom.
Big Tom.
Yeah, big Tom. Big grown up Tom. Big grown up Tom. Ed hasn't given me the present. Yeah. He said that the loo. Right, okay. All right, well, thanks, Tom. Big Tom. Yeah, big Tom.
Big grown-up Tom.
Big grown-up Tom.
Ed hasn't given me the present.
Yeah.
He said that you got some...
Ed said that you gave him some presents
and that he was going to bring them with us
when we went on holiday
and then he couldn't carry them
but he didn't open them at home.
He just left them at home.
So that's why we're not being rude.
We're not being, you know...
Well, we might be rude
if we open them in the shit.
Well, he's told me they're shit
but he has put them in a Marc Jacobs bag
right well look
they're shit
don't they
yeah
they are shit
what's a Marc Jacobs bag
like a posh designer bag
time to fuck off mate
it's a shit present
alright
don't spend all the money
on the wrapping paper
I mean I can't believe
we're using an intro
yeah
to have a go at someone
who's given us
hypothetically rubbish presents
right oh well yeah
but dude
you're an idiot yeah fuck off do you know what Tom right hey Tom missed a present man have a go at someone who's given us hypothetically rubbish presents. Right, oh well yeah, but dude, idiot.
Yeah, fuck off Tom.
Do you know what Tom,
right?
Hey Tom missed a
present man.
If you're listening to
this intro now, right?
Yeah.
Stop.
Get off my podcast.
Because you gave us
a shit present probably.
Yeah.
Right?
And you're not
listening to the rest
of this podcast now Tom.
Yeah.
So you've made a rod
for your own
Jane and Freddie.
That's what he's done there. That is the same, isn't it? He's made a rod for your own Jane and Freddy. That's what he's done there.
That is the same, isn't it?
He's made a rod
for his own Jane and Freddy.
He has, hasn't he?
Yeah.
What a prick.
Yeah, what an absolute prick.
But everybody else in the world,
welcome to the show.
And he has done a murder
which is against our commandments.
What's he killed now?
Lou.
Yeah, Lou.
Right, we went Toy Story 3 today.
Yes, we did, the cinema.
We went to see it at the cinema in 3D.
So I'd just like to say thank you for putting the pipettes in your eyes.
That's all right, no problem at all.
Because it would have been a lesser film for it. Of course it would, of course it would.
Yeah, absolutely.
Wonderful film, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was great, loved it.
Also Day and Night, the one before it, or Night and Day, was it called?
Day and Night, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, beautiful, short film.
Great, yeah, all brilliant, all brilliant.
Rarely hear that from us, do you?
No.
No complaints?
Just no complaints at all, loved it from the beginning to end.
Cinema full of children as well?
Yeah, and they behave themselves.
Relatively well behaved.
Yeah, relative to you.
Why?
I didn't...
I didn't do nothing wrong.
So I didn't, I was just concentrating on the pictures
every time we go to pictures
we spend all the car journey there
and all the time
excited about it
well sort of excited about it
sawing holes in the bottom
of our popcorn buckets
put our knobs through
and then offer them
to each other
and have a feel of the knob
I've not been doing it for that
I'd let you do that
if you want
I do it so all the popcorn
falls through
then I go and get some more
and I feel like I'm fuller
than I am
tell you what right I'm just going to say now that if you ever if I do it so all the popcorn falls through then I go and get some more and I feel like I'm fuller than I am. Tell you what right
I'm just going to say now
that if you ever
if we're just in private
if you ever drop your trousers
and start masturbating
in front of me right
then I'd probably join in.
Wait is it scientific?
Yeah it's like yawning isn't it?
It's not gay
it isn't gay.
It's like yawning.
You know when you yawn
and then it makes someone else yawn.
Yeah it's like that.
If you got your knob out
and got it all hard
and started masturbating
my knob would go hard
and I would have to
start masturbating
yeah it's not gay
it's like yawning
yeah
and you can't say
yawning's gay
I wonder how close
we could yawn
you were yawning
and I was yawning as well
yeah
I wonder how close
we could get
to our mouths
yeah
how close we could
get our mouths together
we put our mouths
over each other
and yawn
like yawning
yawn at the same time
yeah
we went to the cinema
and you behaved worse
than the children
not true
you did
absolutely
every time
they said the character
named Woody
you did that
and then shouted
haha Woody
do you know what
it's never occurred
to me before
what the Woody is
like in her action
yeah never occurred
to me before
I don't know why
halfway through
Toy Story 3
I went oh yeah
Woody
and from then onwards
made me laugh
I can't not
I mean I'm an
inappropriate man
at the best of times
but I love
that was a cinema
full of children
you love Woody
I love Woody
in that cinema
I love the fact that I kept making a cinema full of children. You love Woody. I love Woody in that cinema. Yeah.
I love the fact that I kept making that joke.
Full of children.
Yeah, I love that.
Yeah, brilliant.
I think that's hilarious.
I did enjoy it as well.
I was laughing a lot.
I think that's absolutely hilarious.
Somebody asked me the other day
in an interview,
and they asked me
what was the funniest thing
I've ever heard.
Right.
Is it me?
I think I did say something
about something you said
on the podcast.
All right.
But normally when you're being
asked these questions in interviews, you say, I love you. What. All right. But normally when you're being asked these questions
and interviews,
you say,
I love you, what, huh?
Huh?
Normally when you're being asked these questions,
you sort of like go,
oh, I don't know,
and you just come up with something.
Yeah.
It's very rare that you will actually remember
and go, fuck, yeah,
that is actually the funniest thing ever.
And it's so inappropriate.
And I'll tell you what it is.
I don't,
I'm pretty sure we've not said this on a podcast before.
We may have,
because me and you have discussed this before.
The funniest thing I've ever heard is Fred West's interview tapes.
It's amazing, isn't it?
I mean, first of all, there's nothing funny about what he did.
No.
I'm not trying to make light of that.
There's nothing funny about the murders or the horrific situation.
Nothing at all.
But if you get a chance to hear the interview tapes,
they're probably on YouTube and stuff.
Put a link up or something
yeah you might
so funny
he doesn't
there's one bit
where he does an
inadvertent confession
because I don't even
know how many he
killed in the end
but how many he
had killed in the
end but I mean
first of all he
was debating it
was none
then it was one
then he found out
it was two
but there was one
how they found out
about one of them
was he was being
interviewed and he
was going
and again what he
was talking about is fucking horrific because he was going oh i can't do his voice so i'll do him
welsh you know you know i was i was in the garden and i'd i chopped her up and i buried her and
tied her up i was like oh this is terrible now and i remember just standing there oh this is awful
because you know um i was stood there i was thinking that was thinking that's three now and
two
I was thinking
that's two now
well hang on Fred
that's
I think of when
you said
you said three
then no
no I'm getting
all confused now
I know I'm not good
with numbers
I'm not good with numbers
I'm not good with numbers
I never do well in maths
or
what I do I just hate numbers
I just kill all the numbers
I just bury all the numbers
in the garden with the other four
Three
At the Peacock and Gamble podcast
we've always resisted as best as we can I'm talking about former employees Yeah, here at Peacock and Gamble podcast, we've always resisted as best as we can.
I'm talking about former employees.
Yeah, here at Peacock and Gamble Towers.
Here at Peacock and Gamble Towers.
One of our former employees, however,
had made such an impression on me this week
that I feel I must chat about him.
Well, there's only one, isn't there?
For a moment.
We were also, when we said we were going to come back
and do some more podcasts,
somebody said on the fan page,
oh, will Raji James be coming out to play?
Yeah.
I was like, no.
He's not in it.
It's as if he's been sat here for all these recordings and just not had anything to say.
It's like we've got him locked in another room.
And we're going, no, Raji, if you'd be a very good boy,
we'd let you come out here and go, eh, what, eh, what, eh.
Raji, for those of you who don't know, for our American listeners,
Raji was in the old
Ray Peacock podcast
that we used to do
myself and Ed
and Raji
and we used to pick on Raji
and stuff
and make fun of him
yeah a bit joshing
yeah just a bit of
light hearted banter
and that
and he took it
in good spirits
yeah he did
only storming out
twice was it
yeah a couple of times
something like that
I mean he got hurt
and punched
yeah
got a bite and all that stuff you'd expect yeah was it? Yeah, a couple of times. Something like that. I mean, he got hurt and punched and... Yeah, yeah. Bit and...
Yeah, got a bite and all that.
Stuff you'd expect from three great mates.
Just lads, innit?
Just lads.
I mean, I'm laughing at it and picking on one of them.
But Raji...
There's two things I'm going to tell you about this.
One is Raji wasn't aware that my dad had been ill.
Right.
And secondly, Raji sent me a birthday card because it was my birthday.
Yeah.
He didn't send it out of the blue.
Although, actually, technically he did because it was my birthday. He didn't send it out of the blue. Although,
actually, technically he did because it was two weeks late. It was late, yeah. So he did
technically send it out of the blue.
I mean, Raji doesn't know when my birthday is
because he said in the card, this is
probably late.
But at least it got there.
Now, what happened was, the card that Raji got me
it had a sheriff's badge on the front.
Who are we to try and work out how his mind works?
But it had a sheriff's badge on the front.
Which is policeman for our English listeners.
Yeah, for our British listeners, that is policeman.
I had to put extra postage on it.
Yeah.
Because it was...
Sorry, just to clarify, he didn't put a sheriff's badge on the front in place of a stamp.
No, no, he didn't.
Yeah, it was a sheriff's badge on the front in place of a stamp no no he didn't yeah
it was a sheriff's badge
on the front of the card
yeah
which was in an envelope
which he scrawled my address on
yeah
and sent it
with not enough postage
yeah
so I texted Raji
after I got it
and said
cheers to the card dude
blah blah blah
not been in touch
my dad's been up
in a very long while
explained the full situation
of my dad in the text
and I said
oh and also
I had to pay postage
on that card he sent me
then I got a text back
you know
he didn't mean this to be either funny
and he didn't mean it to be malicious or anything like that,
but this epitomises little Raji James,
who used to be on these senders but ruined it, for me.
Because the text back said, oh, dude, that's terrible news.
Shit, don't know what to say.
I was certain I'd put enough postage on it.
So Raji meant...
Yeah.
They were two separate things.
Yeah.
He meant shit about my dad.
Yeah.
But it read like he was upset that I'd had to pay extra postage
on his stupid sheriff badge.
He wasn't acting inappropriately.
No.
Which makes a fucking change for Raji James.
If you've seen any of his work.
There we go.
Thanks for the card, Raji.
You're going to thank him for your birthday card?
I did not get a birthday card.
Didn't get a text, did you?
Didn't get a text or any.
Literally got no...
No.
No recognition of my birthday.
No contact.
Prick Don't sit there all
Skinny like Kate Mosses
Don't just sit there
Wasting away like the bloke in Seven
Have some food
right
oh
how will you know
what food to have
last week it was tractor
so
how will you know
what food to have
well I'll tell you
how you will know it
because this is the
lovely section
they're coming every week
no not every week
where Ray Peacock
hello that's me
last one
does the food
and says
not does it
says it
and then you hear it
and you go that's the food that I want in my tummy for my dinner.
Is that what it's called?
Or drink.
Right.
I'd imagine most of our listeners are dead from trying to eat a fucking shrimp.
And by me suggesting it, that is the one that you choose.
This week, and you'd be surprised I've not done it already, religion.
Have some, eat some religion. That's a bollocks. Have some,
eat some religion.
That's a bollocks.
Have any one of them
you want.
Can't do this.
Put a bit of
Christianity on your toast.
Have a Mormon
for your supper.
No bollocks.
Eat some butter.
Spread butter
on your toast.
Why is it all on toast?
Or get...
If you want...
Don't want full fat, get...
Can't believe it's not butter.
Yes, a joke, Dad.
All over your toast.
This amount of bullshit is worth it for that joke.
Have some muslin for a snack in the afternoon, naughty.
You're not sticking to your diet.
Have a bit of muslim.
Eat your religion in your mouth, Phil.
You're all up nice.
That's a bollock.
Oh, anyone fancy a hindu for dinner?
Yes, please, mum.
Right, we're not...
Eat some religion. End of it now. That is the last one. Eat religion. No. Eat it. Yes please mum! Right, we're not...
Eat some religion.
End of it now. That is the last one.
Eat religion. Eat religion.
No.
Eat it. Eat your religion up. Eat your religion. Eat it.
Have a bite out of Mohammed.
Suck on Jesus.
No that is the last...
Have a suck of Jesus like a lolly.
You can't...
Suck Jesus...
Like a lolly! You can't say suck Jesus like a lolly or take a bite out of Mohammed.
Even in the world you're living in where you can eat religion,
you still can't use the phrase suck Jesus like a lolly.
There'll be another concept for you to eat next week.
What are we going to do about Kerry Katona?
I've often thought this. What are we going to do about Kerry Katona? I've often thought this.
What are we going to do?
I don't mean us, me and you personally.
Here's my plan.
I did say that then, as if she's just in the living room.
And we can't see the telly for one of her tits.
Here's my plan with Kerry Katona.
Go on.
Basically, what we do.
In the woods, we dig a big hole.
Already in the woods.
Yeah, we dig a big hole, in the woods yeah we dig a big hole
right
and then we lay
twigs and leaves
across the hole
just do her in the woods
mate
yeah
push her against the tree
and do her in the woods
mate
that's not what I was saying
I would do that
dig a big hole right
in the woods
right
a massive hole in the woods
right
like too big
right
and then I'd lay
twigs and leaves across it, right?
Then I'd, like, leave a trail of food, like, all the way to the hole, right?
Try the curry.
Yeah, right.
That's what I reckon she'd go for.
A trail of curry and chips, right?
All the way, leading all the way to the hole, right?
Make sure you do it at breakfast time, though.
Because that's what you'd have for breakfast.
If it was lunch time or something
you'd have to go for a bigger roast.
But if you're trying to catch Kareem Kattabra
at breakfast time.
Leading all the way to this pit that I've dug
with all the leaves and twigs over it.
I'd lead her all the way
and last chip, she's just getting towards
the pit, right? And then I'd just kick her
face in.
Right, that's a lovely section
that's lovely isn't it
that's what you would do
to a young
bipolar girl
I have a weird thing
by the way
our America listeners
Kerry Katona
just fucking google it
you lazy fuckers
I don't know where
I stand on
Kerry Katona
maybe the windpipe it'sers. I don't know where I stand on Kogatona. Maybe the windpipe.
It's just, I just don't know.
Kogatona, right, is the...
Now, I know she's, like, depressed and that.
Yeah.
And it's not really an excuse to be a cunt, is it?
No.
It's like, some people are depressed
and they act out a character and blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, fine, and horrible, but...
Well, it's not an excuse to be a cunt on telly.
You're still accountable for your actions,
is what I'm saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are still accountable, to an extent, for your actions. And I don saying yeah you are still accountable to an extent for your actions and i don't care
to tell us the reason i say i'm from st helens really because i was born in warrington right
where she's from where she's from yeah yeah and i say i'm from st helens because it's gary
because chris evans is from warrens as well which i don't quite like chris evans right but
there was that documentary was on quite recently and apparently she was quite objectable on that
i didn't see it yeah it was a channel 4 documentary that she was on quite recently and apparently she was quite objectionable on that I didn't see it
yeah it was a channel 4
documentary
well I'd say apparently
I watched it
she was quite objectionable
on it
but also you could see
bits and bobs of mental illness
in there
but anyway she's got
she said in that documentary
that she's got the names
of her kids tattooed
on her inner wrists
right
in case she's going to
do away with herself
oh
and she sees the names
of her children now
right
so yeah
so that's horrible isn't it
that's horrible
I wouldn't want that.
And the other thing I was thinking of,
completely unrelated,
is I think it'd be a good idea
for some companies and products and things.
Right.
You know that they pay celebrities
a lot of money to, like, do adverts and that?
Yeah.
Like, Iceland, for example,
paid Kierkegaard a lot of money, didn't they,
to go on telly and advertise Iceland.
Yeah.
But she lost that contract
because she had cocaine.
Yeah.
I thought,
I don't know why
no company's ever thought to,
for example,
David Beckham has,
I think,
Adidas stuff,
don't they?
Yeah.
I think.
Yeah.
And you'd think,
well,
David Beckham's got loads of tattoos,
haven't he?
Right, yeah.
What if Adidas gives him
so much money
as an Adidas tattoo?
Yeah, or,
you know,
so he's doing Adidas
and then Nike, they could pay a load of money Did he just tattoo? Yeah. Yeah, or, you know, so he's doing Adidas. Yeah.
And then Nike,
they could pay a load of money to just some celebrity
who could have their slogan.
Like, some celebrity
who's not got an advertising deal
at the moment.
Yeah.
Might have been sat
from Iceland or something.
And maybe they could get
the Nike slogan
tattooed on them,
on the wrist or something.
Right, here at Peacock and Gamble Towers, which I'm loving saying as a thing. P and GT.
P and GT.
We decided that we are going to do a quick scientific experiment.
It's also to find out just what the hell is
going on. Do you know what I mean?
It's not just because every week we've decided
now. We've worked out
that we have lots of listeners and you're all
very welcome. And lots
more from the Guardian article as well.
Yeah, that's very nice if you're listening from that. We're very, very
welcome if you've got this far.
All very nice. But we think some of. We're very, very welcome if you've got this far. All very nice,
but we think some of the people who are closest to us
don't even listen to it.
Yeah.
Some of our friends,
some of our work colleagues,
just don't bother even,
like other comics,
just don't bother listening to them.
No.
So, some claim they do.
Yeah.
Some say, oh yeah,
I've been listening to your podcast
in the car.
Oh, I like that funny bit.
Yeah, oh, that was good.
Like the Guardian article.
Oh, they've got a funny thing with Raji J. Right, you've not heard it. You've simply not heard it. Thanks for the car. Oh, I like that funny bit. Yeah, oh, that was good. Like the Guardian article. Oh, they've got a funny thing
with Raji J.
Right, you've not heard it.
You've simply not heard it.
Thanks for the plug.
You've not heard it.
You're a fucking liar.
Right, but yeah,
so we went to a little bit of a test.
Yeah, well, this week
on friend test.
Start at the top.
Yeah.
Start at the top, mate.
It is our manager.
Our manager.
Now, right, here we go.
Here's the test.
So James.
James, right,
if you're listening to this. If you are, because you. So James. James, if you're listening to this.
If you are, because you say you are.
Yeah.
If you are listening to this.
Yeah, you might just have it on in the background.
Yeah, yeah.
Are you actually listening to it?
Yeah, are you listening to it?
Yeah.
All the little nuances because this is actually a very layered podcast.
Yeah, there are bits in it.
Yeah, like little, there is one reference to William Shakespeare this week.
Yeah.
See if you can guess what that was, Macbeth.
And also, if you don't get it, if you don't get it,
then it just comes off as offensive.
Yeah.
If you don't get the stuff.
Yeah.
Right, here is what we want you to do.
If you are listening to this, prove it now.
And it's got to be within the week of it being on.
Yeah, defos, right.
Text me and Ray with the words REDROSE,
and that is the code.
Yeah, the code.
You've got to do the code. No, actually, send words REDROSE, and that is the code. Yeah, the code. You've got to do the code.
No, actually, send Ed REDROSE, and to me, I want the words,
it's fine about the remainder of your Edinburgh debts.
You don't have to pay them.
Oh, Ray. Why does Jack D still do it?
Jack D?
Yeah.
I've often thought that. I don't know. Why does he still do it? Why does he D still do it? Jack D Yeah I've often thought this
I don't know
Why does he still do it?
Why does he put
Why does he put himself through it?
He clearly hates it
Night after night
He's standing up
And going
Oh
It's funny
It's funny
I like his jokes and that
Yeah
But I'd enjoy it more
If he was enjoying it
If he was enjoying it
As well
That's what you want with a comedian
You know
An old sour
Sour puss on the stage.
I just think, I watch him and think the jokes are good, Jack.
Yeah.
Well done.
But...
Why are they not making you laugh?
Yeah.
That's what I think when I watch him.
Yeah.
How are you keeping a straight face?
How are you?
How upset must you be?
Yeah.
You must hate this.
Yeah.
You see him on the shooting stars.
Yeah.
He's just sat there.
Ah!
All the way through it.
He's sat there. Miserable. You see him on him live at stars. Yeah. It's just sat there. All the way through it.
Miserable. You see him on him live at Apollo. Yeah. And he's
going, oh no. It's a big theatre.
Yeah. Me and you, give our
bloody right arm for that. Yeah, you and them would be dancing.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm at the Apollo.
Running in the audience, high-fiving
people. I just think he should get another job.
He clearly, just, mate, I feel
bad for him. Celebrity big brother?
Yeah.
Oh, I don't want to...
And then he won it.
Oh, I want to go home.
And then he won it and he still looks annoyed.
He won it and still not smiling.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Sometimes I don't know.
I don't know what will make him smile.
First of all, me and you, right?
Yeah.
We want to do comedy for a living, right?
Yeah.
Now, we get tuppence here, tuppence there.
Yeah.
We do all right.
We do all right if it happens. I was going to do Sonosphere. Yeah. We do all right. We do all right for tuppence.
I was going to do Sonosphere.
Yeah.
But they pulled that today.
They pulled that, yeah.
And I'll tell you what, I bloody love 500 quid, me.
Yeah.
I love it when I get 500 quid.
Yeah.
And they did Sonosphere last year.
They've rung today.
Yeah.
Oh, we're not doing it.
Can't do it.
Not allowed it.
I know it's only a few days away.
Yeah.
All right, can I get 500 pounds?
Nope.
Jack D would probably be going, oh, great.
Yeah, Jack D.
Oh, great.
Brilliant. Brilliant. I don't have to do it. Good. Stop doing it then, mate. I want to go out there somehow. Brilliant. 500 pounds no Jack D would probably be going oh great oh great brilliant brilliant
I don't have to do it
stop doing it then mate
I want to go out there
brilliant
stop doing it then mate
if you don't enjoy it
and I'm not saying it
in an aggressive way
I feel bad for you
we like you
yeah
I feel bad for you
if you're not having
a nice time
it's not like the
Peter Kay thing
when we were just
in a way
we were making a joke
that we didn't like it
yeah
it's not that
this is actually real
we do actually do like Jack D
and I do think he's very very funny and the thing is me and ed want to do comedy yeah
and want to do it for a living so that's why when we go on we'll go oh happy to be happy to be also
we know how hard it is yeah to actually try and get on the telly and try and get onto live at the
hollows yeah we know or in the middle of sleep shooting stars We know how hard that is. So why are you putting yourself through that?
He must be working hard to get to that point.
Why is he doing that?
He just likes punishing himself.
He could do.
He could have a watch shop or something, couldn't he?
A jeweller's?
Yeah.
He could sit in at a jeweller's.
Talk quiet.
Library, talk quiet.
He could go and run a horse butcher's in France.
Don't be listening to this, Jack,
because these are some bloody good suggestions for you.
At least, do you know what?
I bet everything we've said is going,
Oh, no, I've got to go and do some more comedy.
Don't want to do that.
Even though I clearly hate it.
Yeah, I'll go on the stage and I'll have a whinge about that.
Never mind.
Just give us a turn of it, Jack.
Yeah, come on, Jack.
If you don't want to do it, give us a turn.
By you being so sourpuss,
you're insulting me and ed
yeah and who else is insulting as well every child that's ever died
because i'll tell you what yeah there are children right who've died yeah it would be
smiling and joking if they were on that stage yeah and he's on the stage being grumpy boots
yeah you know who else is insulting all our brave boys in the Gulf War. Yeah.
Because, right,
they are going over there
and they are there
having a rotten time,
right?
And he is back here
going,
oh, I don't like
being in England.
It's like,
try doing a war,
Jack D.
Yeah, Jack,
why don't you,
alright,
if you don't like
doing comedy so much,
why don't you
pick up a gun
and join our brave boys?
He wouldn't even
need a gun.
He could just go
and talk at the IRA
and they would all go,
oh, no, no, no,
we must leave.
Yeah, no, no, no,
we surrender.
That's what the IRA would say,
isn't it?
Yeah, he's too upset.
No, we surrender.
I tell you what,
you could depress Bin Laden out.
I tell you what, if you just get a T-Walk?
Just get a Jack D?
Yeah.
To walk past caves in Iraqstanistan, or wherever it is.
Walk past them caves and just go,
I don't like this.
I don't like doing this.
And Bin Laden will go,
Alright, I surrender.
I surrender.
That's enough now.
I'm coming out.
I'm not hiding anymore.
That's how Bin Laden would come out.
Yeah, he would, definitely.
Just don't do it, Jack.
Just get over it, Jack.
Come on, mate.
Do you remember last week when I said about having that idea
for a franchise and changing a franchise?
Yeah.
It was the Saw films. Right. It's the franchise that I want a franchise and changing a franchise yeah it was
the Saw films right is the franchise that I want to rejig a little bit you want to rejig it you
want to rejig Saw because rejig Saw rejigs nice re rejig Saw that'll be the tagline yeah
what it is the Saw films right famously women don't watch them right yeah famously right you
never get a woman no watching a Saw film now I don't know them. Right, yeah, famously. Right? You never get a woman...
No.
...watching a sofa.
No, I don't know whether it's because
they always come out at Halloween,
and I don't know whether it's something to do with the moon.
And their...
Yeah, their cycle.
Their period, you know.
Yeah, I think most women do get their period at Halloween.
Yeah, well, I don't know if that's the case or not.
Right, I don't really...
If I'm honest with you...
It's to do with the tides, isn't it?
I don't really understand it.
No, me neither.
I've listened to the shipping forecast.
Yeah.
I've tried to work it out.
I've tried to understand...
I've listened to them go,
oh, you'll never know what it's...
I know.
I know.
Tell you what, bloody love woman.
Like women generally.
Yeah.
You confound me.
You're a curious beast.
Oh, you're a difficult puzzle to crack.
But one that's worth spending half an hour
in a conservatory with.
To try and get to
the bottom of it.
Yeah.
Pardon my pun.
But periods,
I don't get that.
I don't know what that's for.
Well, no, I don't.
No, no, no.
The thing is,
they're always going,
oh, you know,
I get this and this and this.
Yeah.
Getting in a bad mood.
Yeah, it hurts.
I would understand
being in a bad mood
after it,
or why it's happening. Yeah. I don't understand all this pre. Yeah. Why are you in a bad mood about that. I would understand being in a bad mood after it or why it's happening.
I don't understand
all this pre.
Why are you in a bad mood
about it
so it's not happening?
Don't build up to it.
Try and forget about it.
Forget about it.
Don't be sad about
your grandma dying
until she's died.
I think that's the best
way I can crystallise it.
Yeah, definitely.
Nothing against women.
You're a beautiful
little flower.
I tell you what, you're a lovely little sweet thing. You're a beautiful little flower. I tell you what,
you're a lovely little sweet thing.
You're gorgeous and you're funny
and mischievous and bubbly.
I've cut my finger.
I've cut my leg.
Yeah.
And why it's been bleeding,
I've never got stomach cramps or anything.
I don't get it.
I'm not saying...
It hurts to start with, doesn't it?
Oh, it hurts to begin with.
But if it keeps bleeding,
then that doesn't hurt, that bit.
No, it doesn't.
That'll flow out.
The thing is, I just want to say to women, when they go? Oh, it hurts in the beginning. But if it keeps bleeding, then that doesn't hurt, that bit. No, it doesn't. That'll flow out. The thing is,
I just want to say to women,
when they go,
oh, period, period,
a lot of them
will just shout that.
Yeah.
I just want to grab hold of one.
I'd like to just grab hold,
like affectionate,
but you know,
like gone with the wind style,
just give her a shake.
Let her know who's in charge.
Right, yeah,
give her a shake, right,
and go,
listen,
I know you're upset about it,
but you can't complain
about these periods. If you didn't want a a period then eve shouldn't have eaten the apple you know what i
mean it's not my fault no i'm an adam yeah i'm a son of adam we're the same same mate i'm a son
of adam and it's daughters of eve who went oh i want an apple i want an apple and it's not like
you can then blame your period on wanting an apple. I know, exactly. I'm not even funny, right?
I've lived in houses with these women.
Yeah.
I'll be honest with you.
What you say, hell's a great way.
They bought apples.
Yeah.
I don't think I've ever felt the need to go and eat one.
No, definitely not.
They put them in the kitchen.
Yeah. And they're going, oh, I'll have an apple again.
I'll have an apple again.
Never touched them, mate.
Yeah, and that might be a work.
So why am I walking around with a half less rib?
Why am I? What if I, one one day somebody rugby tackles me yeah there yeah the bit where the half the ribs missing yeah right yeah it gets right in under there under my pancreas or something and
i die from it yeah because she's walking she's on an apple and got up off my rib yeah i can't
believe it mate genuinely can't believe nothing against them. And this idea that I've had,
it's for them.
Right, okay.
To make the Saw films,
which they don't go to
because their periods
are out in Halloween.
Right?
That's why they don't go to Saw films.
Yeah, because they're out
at Halloween, yeah.
But I thought to attract them
a little bit.
Okay.
Right, girly them up a little bit.
What's going to happen in the film?
All the knives,
get loads of knives.
Yeah.
Right?
What you've got to do, right,
is you've got to push your face through the knives. It's cutting all your face and that, so I'm getting gore for the lads. Yeah. Right? What you've got to do, right, is you've got to push your face through the knives.
It's cutting all your face and that, so I'm getting gore for the lads.
Yeah.
Right?
But if you do that, cream cake is a prize.
How about that for an idea?
Or about maybe a thing around your wrist and around your elbow on both arms, right?
Like a vice thing.
Yeah.
And it's just twisting, twisting, twisting the arms all the way around.
All the way around.
And then if you let her twist it all the way
around then you get
a cream cake.
Yeah.
What about
woman wakes up
in a cell
doesn't know where
she is.
Yeah.
Right pitch black
there's someone on
the floor
unconscious right
with a knife
and voice comes on
hello Sally
right
wanna play a game
get the knife
cut the body open
and if you do that wanna play a game get the knife cut the body open and if you do that
I want to play a game
if you do that
inside it
cream cake
what about one right
where
one comes on and goes
hello
I want to play a game
and the woman will go
I don't really like games
I don't like anything competitive
oh just give me
let me do a tapestry.
Oh, I'm
off games this week.
It's Halloween.
What about this one, right? A woman wakes up,
right, in a room, got an x-ray machine
in front of her, right? Right. And it comes on,
want to play a game?
Alright, Betty. Want to play a game with you, right? Yeah. And it comes on, I want to play a game. All right, Betty.
I want to play a game
with you, all right?
Yeah.
You can win a cream cake
and...
Win a cream cake?
Got to do
Russian Roulette
or whatever.
Right, all right.
It just does it, right?
Yeah.
It wins it.
Where's my cream cake?
Where's my cream cake?
And it goes,
ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
And the actual machine
flickers on,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And she's going, what's going on?
and she sees a mirror in front of her
and the cream cake is already inside her
she has already eaten the cream cake
so for a woman
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed So for a woman.
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies, except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Seidlosen.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.