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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble Podcast.
Oh, hello, welcome to the Peacock and Gamble Podcast.
I, of course, am Zippy.
Oh, hello, I hope you're looking forward to the podcast.
Ray and Anna will be on in a minute, won't they, George?
Oh, Zippy, yes they will. Oh, I can't wait for them looking forward to the podcast. Ray and Anna will be on in a minute, won't they, George? Oh, yes they will.
Oh, I can't wait for them to come on the podcast.
Where's Bungle?
Oh, I don't know.
He's just got a normal voice.
You can't do him.
Oh, here he comes.
Here comes Ray.
Hello, this is Ray Peacock.
What are you doing?
Oh, hello, this is Ed Gamble.
Thanks for the intro, Zippy and George.
It wasn't Zippy and George.
Oh, that's all right.
Oh, that's all right.
It was quite clearly Janet Street Porter and Frank Spencer.
So I don't know what their impressions were.
You are absolutely awful at impressions.
I'm not.
I'm brilliant at impressions. No, you're really not. Give me another one. I'll'm not. I've got brilliant impressions.
No, you're really not going to do that.
Give me another one, I'll do it.
All right, Tony Blair.
Yes.
Well, the thing about Libre is that you've got...
It's all new and now.
Yeah, no, that was George again, wasn't it?
No, it's got hints of George.
All right, well, who can you do?
Right, give me one and I'll do it.
Why have I got to do it?
I can do Zippy.
I can do George.
I've just found out I can do Tony Blair.
Right.
Right, I can do a South African man. Go on, then Why have I got to do it? I can do Zippy. I can do George. I've just found out I can do Tony Blair. Right. Right, I can do
a South African man.
Go on then.
Or a...
How's it going?
Right, that's good.
That's more of an accent
than an impression, isn't it?
Yeah, well,
it is an impression
of a famous
South African man.
Which one?
Nelson Mandela?
Nelson Mandela.
That's Nelson Mandela.
No, this is...
This isn't Nelson Mandela.
I've always thought
Nelson Mandela
sounds like a
half inflated balloon
no
it's good that
I mean
it's amazing actually
isn't it
for an introduction
that you're already
not only are you
displaying your skills
but you're also
you're encouraging
young impressionists
by giving them
a few tricks of the trade
yeah if you're doing
Nelson Mandela
just think of it
as a
just in your head
try and visualise a half inflated balloon if you're doing Nelson Mandela, just think of it as a... Just in your head, try and visualise
a half-inflated balloon
and then you do
Nelson Mandela.
What other ones
do you want me to do?
I want you to do
all the ones that you can do.
Simon Cowell.
You're fired.
That's a good one.
Who's Prime Minister now?
Cameron.
Don't do David Cameron.
Well, the thing about
conservatives...
Why don't all your
politician impressions
start off with...
Sorry, I've only got one...
The thing about
whatever party I'm from.
I've only got one
Prime Minister voice.
David Blunkett.
Alright.
Ow!
That's what he's walked into.
The table.
I was on telly the night.
Where?
Ripping David Blunkett, mate.
Nice one, mate.
It's about time
someone ripped him.
It was filmed in 2006.
Oh, right, okay.
So it's a bit weird that they repeated it.
Yeah.
Because it made me look like I was outdated.
Yeah.
But I'd recorded it ages ago.
It's not my fault, is it?
And you're wearing a different costume.
Yeah, I've got my costume on,
doing that character that I used to have done.
Yeah.
Ray Peacock.
Yeah.
That character one it was.
And then eventually I just stopped doing it.
Yeah.
Who else can you do?
Come on, do Wall-E.
Wall-E.
Fucking brilliant.
Welcome to the podcast.
Right, I've been on
another holiday without you.
What's all that about?
We went on holiday
and you came back
and went on holiday again.
Yeah, I did, mate.
And you've swanned in all suntan as well.
Yeah, I'm living the life mate.
You're living La Vida Loca.
I'm living the bloody La Vida Loca mate.
I don't blame you.
Yeah.
Well, I don't think you would have liked to have come on this holiday.
I would.
You wouldn't have done.
Yes, I would.
You wouldn't have done. Do you know what I did on it?
San Miguel? Got drunk and went down Linekus?
No.
It wasn't that sort of holiday. It was with my dad.
Whoa.
And my half-brother and half-sister
put them together
and make an old one.
We went cycling in Holland.
Why?
I don't know.
I genuinely...
Don't...
That has really screwed my head.
I don't know.
Did you not think to ask
when they bought that?
No.
Why?
No, I think...
Well, my dad said he wanted
to bond with his children.
Right.
I'm not being funny, right?
Yeah.
If my dad, I mean,
he's in no fit state to do it,
but if he went,
hey, come on, go on a cycling holiday, I want to bond with you, I'd be like, look, I'm not being funny, right? Yeah. If my dad, I mean, he's in no fit state to do it, but if he went, hey, come on,
I'm going to cycle all day,
I want to bond with you,
I'd be like,
look, I won't be able
to breathe to talk.
I can't bond.
We'll be cycling in silence
for 100 metres.
Well, I put my headphones on.
Well, is that bonding
with your family?
I don't know.
I needed music.
What for?
To cycle.
Like Rocky 3?
Yeah, exactly.
I put all upbeat things on.
Or Rocky 4, 2, 5 and 1.
Well, we cycled, mate.
Guess how long we cycled in three days.
Three days of cycling.
Do you mean miles or hours?
Yeah, miles.
One and a half miles?
No, that one would have been fine with that.
Two?
No, a year.
Two and three quarter miles?
No, this is going to take a long time.
A year.
7,000 miles?
Right, now it's not going to be as impressive because it gets too high. Alright, 6,000 miles. No, this is going to take a long time. 7,000 miles. Right, now it's not going to be as impressive
because you guessed too high.
Alright, 6,000 miles.
No, 110 miles.
5,500 miles.
110.
And how many days?
Three.
That's about 30 miles a day.
Yeah, well, it's 45 the first day,
then 35, then...
That's alright, that's not too bad.
Right.
I think that's about right.
I think I could probably manage that.
Yeah, do you think you could?
Absolutely not.
I can manage about four minutes on an exercise bike.
Right, okay.
Partly because it hurts my bum.
Oh, mate, you want to see the bruises up my bum.
Alright.
Is that a Jedi mind trick?
I do.
I do want to see the bruises up your bum, you're right.
Yeah.
Bad?
Yeah, just one massive bruise all round my inner legs up my bum.
Really?
Yeah.
That's horrible, mate.
You'd think somebody would go, let's invent a better saddle.
Exactly, as soon as I sat on it, I went, I want a bucket seat for this.
Yeah, say what you want about the chopper, mate, but I had a good saddle.
Exactly, I was going to say, next time we come, I are a chopper.
I don't know what they're playing at, mate.
So what did you do then, did you cop off?
Did I cop off?
Yeah, on your holiday.
No, I didn't cop off on my holiday.
What was going on before you didn't cop off?
You've got to cop off on your holidays, mate. I didn't cop off on my holiday. What was going on before we didn't cop off? You can't cop off on your holidays, mate.
I was sharing a room with my dad.
Get it where you come.
How was that?
How old was your dad?
57.
He's mental, your dad, isn't he?
Yeah.
Is that right?
He's alright.
Have I got that right?
He's alright.
We were sitting at dinner one day and he insisted that I took a photo of him and then went on
for ages about how he looked like Robert De Niro.
And I went, but Robert De Niro now?
I mean, he doesn't anyway, but he went, yeah, Robert De Niro now.
And then he went, you're looking at me?
You're looking at me?
Yeah.
You're looking at me?
Mean Streets.
Mean Streets, he said that, yeah.
Yeah.
I went, no, that wasn't Mean Streets, that was Taxi Driver.
And he went, no, it wasn't.
And insisted that it was Mean Streets streets even when i showed him it on
the internet cycle to a video shop made you sit through it yeah we went um that day we got we
cycled to amsterdam uh-oh a bit of patience is rewarded now you know we hear the ins and outs
of the story i mean i was imagine if you cy cycled to Amsterdam with your dad and then he got drunk
and went,
she's going to get a prostitute.
It's like Billy Russell
Brand or something, isn't it?
Tell you what, mate,
if you should have done that
and then written it in a book
and then go Hollywood.
But we were in a square
in Amsterdam, right?
Yeah.
And there was a street performer
doing all his tricks, right?
And there were about
300 people watching him.
Okay.
And there was a man walking past behind him,
and he was approached by, like, a Christian preacher,
like an African lady Christian preacher.
Okay.
And he started talking to him, and the bloke stopped and was listening.
And the street performer stopped his show, turned around and went to the man,
Hey, do you want to speak to her?
And the man went, Oh, not really.
And he went, Oh, then just go.
She is a crazy Christian.
You don't have to speak to her.
She is mad. She's always around here. It's here crazy christian lady in the bloke went all right and
walked off and the lady was just standing there like you are doing your show and everyone is
watching hey don't watch him juggling right he'll make out he can't do this trick but he can in the
end she did something better what did she do when he tried to start his show, she started singing at the top of her voice.
Fantastic.
Right, proper singing loud Jesus songs, right?
Did she do?
Which I always like.
I'm not a Christian man at all.
I don't like religion at all.
Yeah.
But I always like it when you get a lady, an older big lady.
Yeah.
Who gives it, um...
Amazing grace. gives it um amazing grace
how sweet
the sound
that saved
a wretch like me.
Fucking hell.
You should join in, really.
Do harmonies.
I love that.
I mean, how can that fail?
I mean, the people listening to this podcast now,
with a little tear in their eye now,
possibly remembering someone's funeral.
Isn't it lovely when they say Amazing Grace
all fucked up like that? Well, I don't think she was
singing that. I couldn't hear her because the man had a microphone
on and she didn't. Let's pretend that she didn't.
Amazing Grace she started singing. He broke off
from his show again and went, oh no, now
the crazy Christian lady is singing a
song. I might have to rape her again.
I'd be fucking
chucking pound coins
as many as I could
the most awkward silence
with 300 people
a little pause
and then me
screaming with laughter
yeah I can imagine that
absolutely amazing
wow
wow
I'd give him all my money
I'd just
I'd empty my wallet
into his dish
you fucking genius.
Also in that square next to the man doing the juggling and raping, right?
Yeah.
There was a cage, like a pitch, right?
A little football pitch thing.
It was the Dutch Homeless Cup.
What do you mean?
All the homeless people in Amsterdam having a football tournament.
Right?
Do you think they bring ringers in?
Like he's smearing dirt on Gary Linniker's face.
Oh, I'm a homeless.
Yeah, I'm a homeless.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I tried to read the thing.
It was all in Dutch,
but there was a little description of it.
It seemed to say that they were reintegrating
them back into society, right? I don't think
you were reintegrating people by putting
them in a cage in the middle of a square and making
them play football for everyone to watch.
The best thing about it, they had like
they'd obviously tried to make a really big deal out of
it. Yeah. And they put huge flags
up saying Dutch Home was cut. With massive
black and white pictures of all the players.
What's that?
Like a man with a really
scraggly beard
like looking awful
like an Adidas
but they'd not
shaved them
or polished them up
oh it was a joke
it wasn't a joke
I sort of watched it
for a bit
that doesn't prove
it's not a joke
does it
that you watched it
what sort of joke
yeah because everyone
knows that real homelessness
go invisible
when they're playing football
but Ed watched it for a bit so it could have been a joke I think it's a joke What sort of joke? Yeah, because everyone knows that real homelessness is going visible when they're playing football.
But Ed watched it for a bit, so it could have been a joke.
I think it's a joke.
I think it's for a TV show.
If we went Channel 4, mate, never mind going to them with our good ideas that they're always knocking back.
If we went to them and went, here's what we want to do, half an hour, Dutch homeless football.
They'd be like, yes, please, come in, comedy love.
Definitely, it's like Balls of Steel, isn't it? Yeah, it's just like Balls of Steel. love it's like balls of steel isn't it
yeah it's just like
balls of steel
it is just like
balls of steel
I don't think it was
a joke mate
I like it
I'm not knocking it
I like it a lot
why
I just think we should
start one over it
alright
English
well you can't be
the English one
because if we do it
in London
it'll be the Scottish
and I must cut one
out be the Scottish I almost caught one.
I've been trying to catch up
on my Blu-rays.
What?
You know Blu-rays?
Yeah.
I've got loads of them.
And you've not
watched them.
I'm the same.
So I've been trying
to catch up on them.
What are you
waiting to watch?
I'm waiting to watch
both series of Rome.
Right.
Moon.
Oh, I watched that
the other night.
No you didn't. You watched half an hour of it. I know, but I sleep on my
fucking tits.
I like the idea that if something gets on your tits
you immediately fall asleep. Yeah, yeah.
Leave it on. I'm so out.
Yeah, I'm not going to turn it off.
I'll leave it on and then I
will give it the humiliation
of me just falling asleep
in front of it. Moon is a short
film that they've
been given money
for and gone
let's just stretch
it out over an
hour and a half.
It's so boring.
Right.
Well I've only heard
good things about it
until you said that.
Yeah but that's
because you only
listen to idiots.
Right.
The thing is he's
up on the moon
right?
Yeah.
Don't give it away.
And they're meant
to be going oh
it's so monotonous
so boring for
instance.
And then they
make it monotonous
and it's like,
just tell me he's bored
and I will understand.
And then bring an alien on.
Yeah.
All you have to do, right,
first scene of that film,
in a minute you just go,
oh, I've been here for ages
and I'm bored.
That's how you do it.
It's exposition, isn't it?
You don't just put him there
for ages and make it boring.
So that's my review.
Freestyle some funny bits.
I'm waiting for Watch the Crazies as well.
Saw that the other night.
It was all right.
Nothing special.
And Thirst.
Yeah.
And The Road.
First is a Korean vampire film.
You're being all clever, aren't you?
And what's The Road?
It is an adaptation of Cormac McCarthy, but it's Viggo Mortensen.
Ooh,
art school.
Yeah,
do you know what I'm
waiting to watch?
Indiana Jones,
mate.
Get a bit of excitement
in your life.
Yeah,
I might watch
Toy Story 2 in a bit.
Come on,
chill out.
Do you know what I'd be
all arty on?
Do you know what I'd be
in black and white
with an erect penis in it?
This would be a good film,
doesn't it?
That's what you think
I say that
I watched quite an arty film
well it wasn't arty
but it was a bit gritty
was it
yeah
I got it all wrong
right
because it's like
precious right
they felt precious right
right
got Oscars in that
yeah
but I got it
because I thought
it was going to be like
Nutty Professor 2
the clubs
right put it on couldn't have been less so right Because I thought it was going to be like Nutty Professor 2, the clubs.
Right?
Put it on.
Couldn't have been less so.
Right.
Couldn't have been... Right.
Spoiler alert.
Was he playing all the parts?
Spoiler alert, because I'm going to tell you everything that happens in the film.
Right.
I've not seen it.
Well, you don't have to, because I'm going to tell you.
Right.
What?
Eddie Murphy wasn't even in it.
Right.
It was a real big fat lady.
Right.
Right?
And I don't know...
Is it relevant to say she's black?
I don't know if it's relevant or not.
It might be.
I don't want to say she's black if it's not relevant.
Okay, don't say it then.
Right, then I won't.
Anyway, a dad, first off, it hadn't even hardly started and a dad was having an opera.
Andy showed almost all of it.
Did they?
Yeah, and one bit, I think, I don't know if I imagined this, I think a mum was watching.
Really? Yeah, having a cigarette in I think, I don't know if I imagined this, I think my mum was watching. Really?
Yeah, having a cigarette
in the hallway
and watching at the same time.
Right.
So that happened.
Right.
Then it transpired,
she's getting in trouble at school
because she's pregnant,
right,
off her dad.
Oh no.
She's already had one child
off her dad.
Really?
So that child
is her daughter
and sister.
Right.
Right, it's all in American, don't worry.
Right.
But the daughter that she has had...
Yeah.
Already, possibly because it was her dad what done it...
Right.
...is Down Syndrome.
Right?
Right.
And that's played by a real Down Syndrome in the film.
Right, okay.
Right?
And that's quite, you know, that's alright.
Yeah.
Except, do you know what she called her daughter?
Mongo.
She just called her daughter Mongo.
For real?
Yeah.
As a name?
That's what the character has called her daughter, right?
No, the thing is, that little girl, what's playing that character, is real Down Syndrome.
Yeah.
And when you're an astronaut, you have a CV, don't you?
So that little girl is having to go around castings.
I mean, life, I imagine, is hard enough for her already.
Yeah.
And she's going on going, yeah, I played Mongo.
She's going on there, poor little Mongo.
And then later on, they find out that you've got AIDS.
HIV positive, the big lady.
The big lady.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not going to watch it now.
I think you should watch it, because there are some funny bits, three stars.
Come over here, cheeky, because I've got something for you.
What have you got?
I've got something to tell you.
What?
A food that you will think about when I say it.
This is cancelled from last week.
Why is it cancelled?
Because you did religion last week.
Or a drink.
And when I say it, time for...
I've got for you dinner.
Or it depends what time of day you're listening to it at.
This is rubbish.
Not rubbish, actually.
And here we go with this week's Ray Does the Food Say No Drink and Listen to It.
How can it be any more ridiculous than this?
And then you were wanted.
This week is physics.
Have some physics.
Eat physics.
Physics?
Eat physics, but only with a knife and fork.
Why?
Because of Ohm's law
Have some physics
Eat it with Hock's law of elasticity
Eat it all good on your throat
And then come back out again
And you can eat it again
Eat it twice because of Hock's law
Why not eat some of Bragg's law
It gives the angles for coherent and incoherent scattering from a crystal lattice.
You'd like that for your supper, wouldn't you?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Maybe you would like Wiedemann-Franz law.
That the ratio of the electronic contribution to the thermal conductivity of the electrical conductivity of a metal is proportional to the temperature.
You'd like that, wouldn't you, on a biscuit?
Temperature.
You'd like that, wouldn't you, on a biscuit?
Al Planck's law,
which describes the spectral radians of electromagnetic radiation of all wavelengths emitted in the normal direction
from a black body in a cavity in thermodynamic equilibrium.
On toast.
Have it on toast as part of your physics dinner.
Have a physics feast.
Physics.
Eat physics.
We just had to stop for so long.
Why?
We've just had to blow.
What do you mean, why?
Because of you.
You've been on the blower, mate.
We didn't stop because I was on the blower.
You did.
I was on the blower when you went out for your cigarette.
And to cool down.
And to cool down.
Well, I'm hot as well.
Yeah, you are.
You're burning hot, mate.
Then you came back in and you're giving it...
Oh, I have some chocolate.
Yeah, well, I was having a low blood pressure.
You must be diabetic, mate.
I am.
Well, no wonder you're feeling rough. You're having chocolate. You can't have chocolate. Yeah, well, I was having a low blood sugar. You're supposed to be diabetic, mate. I am. Well, no wonder you're feeling rough.
You're having chocolate. You can't have chocolate.
No, I was having chocolate because my blood sugar was low.
I wish you'd just get a...
go to the hospital and get it cured. You can't get it
cured. What? Oh. It's
like AIDS, is it? It is. It's sugar
AIDS. No, it's not. It is sugar AIDS.
What is? Diabetes. Really?
Yeah. I can't get it from you, can I?
I used a dirty boost.
Is that how you get diabetes?
With a dirty boost?
Yeah, if you use a boost that someone else has used,
then that's how you get diabetes, yeah.
Or a boost that someone's just rubbed against themselves.
Yeah.
Hold on, mighty.
I used a boost that Freddie Mercury had used.
I tell you what, they should put a warning on boosts.
Yeah, they should, shouldn't they?
That it gives you sugar aids.
Eat immediately from the wrapper.
Yeah.
Don't eat it if it's just found it outside Freddie Mercury's house.
And they should put a warning on them saying,
you will never find a boost that the caramel has not leaked out the end of and stuck to packet.
Yeah, they should say that.
Yeah.
They should say,
only eat warm.
It'll break your teeth
if you eat it cold.
Oh, fuck, fuck, does it?
Stupid bloody chocolate bar.
It's like, do you know what?
A boost is like
a bloody practical joke.
It is.
It's like someone's gone,
oh, I'm going to make
a chocolate bar
to laugh at Ed and Ray.
Oh, there you go.
We'll trick him in,
make him think it's a bit
like a star bar.
But there'll be no coconut in it. There's no coconut in a star bar. Yeah, there you go. We'll trick him in, make him think it's a bit like a star bar. But there'll be no coconut in it.
There's no coconut in a star bar.
Yeah, there is, mate.
Peanut.
Coconut.
No.
Used to be.
I know, coconut boost, I'm thinking of.
Right.
Coconut star bar.
Coconuts.
How are we...
I'm thinking of a coconut.
Well, I don't like that.
I don't like that you can't...
I mean, no, no.
There'd be a pill for it or something.
There's not a pill for it.
Go on the pill.
Ed, go on the pill, mate.
All right, I'll go on the pill.
I'll go on the pill for an experiment before the podcast.
What would happen?
I don't know.
You'd go tits.
Oh, no.
Is that what you did?
Someone is slipping you the pill?
Yeah, someone is slipping the pill in my boots.
What would happen if a man had the pill?
Had the female pill?
That's interesting, isn't it? All different sorts
of it, isn't it? Yeah. Well, get in contact
if you actually don't. No, don't.
Stop your eggs. It would stop my eggs, you're right.
It'd make the lining of your womb all thin
so the eggs just drop out at anyone's head.
It'd do that.
Yeah, it would. Could give you a spot.
Oh, no. Do they give you spots?
Does the pill give you spots? I don't know.
No, it stops spots. Does it? I think some give you spots? I dunno. Or does it stop?
No, it stops spots!
Does it?
Yeah, I think some of them take it for happening.
I dunno.
That's why pregnant women are often very spotty.
Because they're not on the pill?
Yeah.
Do you put weight on or off?
Off because you don't have a baby in you.
It's amazing, the pill, isn't it?
Who invented the pill?
I dunno, I think it was Marie Curie.
Do you know who I think it was?
Who?
Doctor... what's the man?
The one who does the gravity games on Nintendo?
Heinz Wolf!
I reckon Heinz Wolf invented the gravity game.
Yeah.
I reckon Heinz Wolf invented the gravity game. Yeah.Man. The one who does the gravity games on Nintendo.
Heinz Wolfe.
I reckon Heinz Wolfe invented that.
Heinz Wolfe invented a pill.
Yeah, which is ironic because his wife wouldn't fuck him anyway.
What's the deal with the black eyed peas?
What do you mean, what's the deal with the black eyed peas what do you mean what's the deal
with the black eyed peas
well is she
doing all of them
what's the set
what's the set up there
I don't know mate
I thought
I thought Will.i.am
was doing Cheryl Cole
what's Fergie up to then
what are they
I don't know
I don't know which one
is she with
she's the girl one
yeah I know she's with
she's with black eyed peas
and she is the girl one.
How did she get in that band?
I think she sucked their toes by a swimming pool.
Were they her financial advisor?
I think they were, yeah.
It's a weird one, Fergie.
Again, like Lady Gaga.
I don't know why I fancy her.
Oh, I do.
I think she's quite attractive.
I think it's the umps.
I think it probably is the umps, you know.
They're lovely lady umps.
Yeah. I don it probably is the umps, you know. They're lovely lady umps. Yeah.
I don't want no drama.
I definitely don't
want no drama,
but I wouldn't say no
to mixing a milk
with me cocoa puffs.
I'll show her
where the fucking love is.
See, I just did lyrics
for the song.
You got all aggressive,
didn't you?
And put fucking
into the middle of it.
I'll show you where
the fucking love is.
But that was the
original song,
wasn't it?
It's Where Is
the Fucking Love?
No.
Yeah, and Let's
Get Spasticated.
No, Let's Get
Retarded.
Right.
And then they
had to change it,
didn't they?
Yeah.
You told me that.
So Let's Get
It Started.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's clever,
isn't it?
Yeah.
Which ones will I
am?
The main one of it.
Fergie was,
she'd done a wee
in her pants,
didn't she?
Did she?
You've told me this,
I've not seen it.
I mean, in a way,
I feel bad sort of
regurgitating that and telling it, oh, I would, I would. I mean, in a way, I feel bad regurgitating that
and telling it,
or I would regurgitate it
if you went down there
and then...
I'd stick it
straight in the toilet.
I tell you what,
I've always said this
about Fergie
from the Black Eyed Peas.
If I woke up
one day
to find Fergie
from the Black Eyed Peas
squatting on my face
weeing in my mouth
because I was like
and she's weeing
which I could have drowned from
and I'd go
and you'd stick it in the toilet
I'd stick it in the toilet and I'd say
Fergie, there's only so far
your lovely lady lumps will get you
and another thing, what are you going to do with all that junk Shaggy? There's only so far your lovely lady lumps will get you.
And another thing,
what are you going to do with all that junk?
All that junk
inside your trunk?
Car boot sale.
Yeah.
Do you have a wig on the podcast?
I said that Way Out West
was my favourite
Laura Linari film
and I don't think it is.
I think it's actually Sons of the Desert.
Right.
So I'm going to go with that.
Alright.
If that's alright.
Yeah, it's fine.
Just in case anyone's writing a book about us.
Yeah.
Do you think anyone is?
I don't know.
Someone should.
Someone should write a bloody book about us.
I think so, mate.
Yeah.
Why does nobody ever write a book about us?
Do you have any sort of like big sort of stories
that like...
Yeah.
Like that would be the big hook the
one that they could take from the book and put in the sun as an excerpt um i went out with a girl
that had gone out with gary barlow yeah that's a good one yeah have you got any of them yeah i
went out with gary barlow right went out with um no i don't want to say that i know what you're
gonna say then i'm not gonna say it well oh well just a story about how I've had sex with a dirty girl.
Yeah, I won't put that in the song.
Just do that.
Yeah.
Just say, oh, Peacock, he's had his business in a lady's chuppance,
but a lady of ill repute.
A prostitute.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
That's the good bit.
That's put right.
I've never been in a prostitute.
Say that you have. make up a story now.
I've never been with a prostitute.
What was her name?
Big Gerta.
Big Gerta.
And where was she from?
Oh, I don't know.
America.
America?
Barnsley.
Barnsley, right Barnsley, but she was born in America.
She was born in America but she settled in Barnsley.
What was she wearing when you done it with her?
Baby doll.
Baby doll?
Is that what they're called?
They're not frocks called.
Oh, right.
Well, a frock.
She was wearing a frock.
A frock.
She had a frock on.
Wearing, like, a nice, fancy frock and a tiara.
Yeah.
Right.
What sort of things did you do with Big Gutter from America, but now Barnsley wearing a frock?
And a tiara.
And a tiara.
I had a beef burger from a local place
does that turn you on?
no
I don't
anything
it turns me off
but she was so attractive
and hungry
and hungry
yeah
that she had the beef burger
and I had it as well
and then we got
we both got a bit of energy then
right
to go back
and have three in a bed
three in a bed
oh I've got a finger
um
who's the other one
yep
three in a bed that's the exclusive in the sun yeah had a three in a bed what's in a bed? Oh, I've got to think. Who's the other one? Yep, three in a bed.
Who's the other one?
That's the exclusive in the sun.
Yeah.
Had a three in a bed.
What's the name of the other one?
I don't know.
Jim.
Jim?
No, Jim.
Jim, alright.
No, no, it was a girl.
It was a girl.
No, no.
Yeah.
Ginny.
Ginny?
No, I think it's Jim.
It was Ginny.
It was Ginny.
It's Jim.
Ginny.
And it was a boy but dressed up as a girl.
No, it wasn't.
It was Ginny.
And what was Gin wearing? Ginny. What was Gin wearing? Ginny had And it was a boy, but dressed up as a girl. No, it wasn't. It was Ginny. And what was Gin wearing?
Ginny.
What was Gin wearing?
Ginny had a bra on.
Ginny had a bra on.
Gertie had a baby doll.
I had just, like, cycling shorts on.
Really tight.
Right.
And you could see the contours.
Right.
You could see the lot.
You could see the lot.
Really, even though I had shorts on.
Did you get them off?
I got them both off, mate.
I mean the shorts.
They both went home with a smile on their face that day.
No, I went home and left them in their house with a smile on their face.
So I did it in their house.
Right, okay.
Where did she live?
I did it in Barnsley.
Barnsley.
77 Low Row, Woolly Colliery, Barnsley.
Whose address is that?
I used to live there.
Oh, right.
So they can put a blue plaque up there.
All right, all right.
That's where you done it with Goethe.
Yeah, I done it with Goethe, then.
In the gym.
In the spare room, and then we did it in the main room.
Nice one, mate.
I didn't finish in the spare room.
Right, okay.
We just went through...
We just waddled.
I just didn't have enough room.
No.
The thing is, it was a glorified cupboard.
We used food for our sex.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Big burger.
Jacob's crackers.
Jacob's crackers, right.
What I did was
they both lay on the front.
Right.
I put Jacob's cracker
in the cracker of the bums.
Right.
And then did you have to
eat three of them
without any water?
No, you'd think
that would be good.
Well, I didn't.
I jumped them on a BMX.
Without breaking him a cracker?
Yeah, didn't break a cracker.
It took me six goes doing that.
Because it was the...
On the way down,
my back wheel kept catching the one on Gertie's.
Right, okay.
I mean, Gertie had a big bum.
Yeah.
It wasn't on a tractor.
Well, that meant that if you put the cracker in there,
it would hold there
with just the pressure from the buttocks.
Yeah, and the other one...
Whereas Jim had to clench.
It wasn't Jim it was Jimmy
right Jimmy
Jimmy
stop saying that
I didn't do it with Jim
you did do it with Jim
I didn't
it was Jimmy
you put a cracker up
a man's bum
and jumped over it
on a BMX you big puff
it was Jimmy
she was disgusting
she was a hoe
big hoe
use a hoe
use a hoe I said that use a hoe Like, ho. Use a ho.
Use a ho.
I said that, use a ho.
Ho!
Ho.
Ho!
Use a ho.
Ho!
Use a ho.
I said that, use a ho.
You're doing ho activities.
With ho tendencies.
Ho's are your friends. And hoes are your enemies
With hoe energy
Do what you do
Blue what you blue
Screw what you screw
You're a professional like DJ Clue
Pulling on my coattail
And why do you think you'd take a hoe to a hotel?
Hotel everybody
Even the mayor
Reach up in the sky for the hoe zone lair
Come on player
Once a hoe always
And hoe never close their open neck holeways And here's a hoe cake for you the whole hoe crew Reach up in the sky for the Ho Zone Lair! Come on, player! Once a Ho always!
And Ho never close their open neck always!
And here's a Ho cake for you and the whole Ho crew!
And everybody wants some!
Because Ho's gotta eat too!
Ho!
Use a Ho!
Ginny!
Use a Ho!
I said that use a Ho!
Jim!
Ginny!
Jim!
Ho!
Ginny!
Jimmy! Use a Ho! Ginny! Jimmy! Stop it! Why are you doing that? Say it now! ho Jim Jimmy ho Jimmy Jimmy
Jimmy
stop it
why are you doing that
saying that
you said that
Jimmy is a ho
you're a horrible boy
you're a horrible boy
get big fat
girder and
Jimmy the boy
and put crackers
in their bum
and hop over it
on a bike
jumped it
and hopped over it
bunny hops
are different things
alright sorry mate
ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha upped it. Bonnie ups the different things. Alright sorry mate.
Peacock and Gamble podcast
was devised and
performed by
Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble.
All music by
the Tiger Lilies
except for the
last one which
is performed by
Frank Sidewitters.
The Peacock and
Gamble podcast
is a ready
production hosted
by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next
week.