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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Yes, it's the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Hooray!
Hello, I'm Ray Peacock.
Are we episode 50 yet?
No.
Alright. Oh, I'm at Gamble then.
Nice to meet you at Gamble.
I don't know if I was going to be anything different if it was episode 50.
What are we going to do for episode 50? I think it's in two eps, I think.
Maybe this is 47.
48.
48, yeah.
I think we should do a new dep.
Why?
Something different, isn't it?
I don't want to see all that.
I don't want to see all that, thank you very much.
You do, mate.
I've seen that once.
That week when we stayed in that tent.
That was horrible, that was.
Getting chained with our backs to each other.
So, it's a new episode, though, not 50.
No, 48.
But it is a new episode.
Yeah.
So, off we go.
Right, let's go.
Go on then, do something.
This is where the music comes in.
Get your notes out.
Oh, I've got loads of notes.
You haven't got any notes, have you?
I noticed this today, you've not brought any notes with you at all.
I've got something about poo.
Right, that's no good, so I'll leave that.
Yeah, what else have you got?
Ed's Amazing Births.
No, we're not doing Ed's Amazing...
Alright, and what have you got for Ed's Amazing Births?
We'll do it later.
No, what have you got for it?
Go on, then.
I'm not doing it now.
This is not where it...
If you've got it as a note, then let's do it.
This is not where Ed's Amazing Births goes.
No, go on.
I'll tell you what.
If you've got an Amazing Birth, I'll let you do it now.
All right.
Go on, then.
In the intro.
Oh, well, Pretty Amazing Birth this week.
Yeah, what's that?
You know who Pantomime Horse is?
Yes, I do, yeah.
There was one in Grimsby.
Right.
And they were doing a pantomime.
They were doing...
Where's your link for that?
You've normally got a link.
Aladdin.
I'll show you in a minute.
No, no, you've got to have it now.
Get the link up now.
They were doing a show in Aladdin.
Yeah.
In Grimsby, Aladdin.
Yeah.
It was the show.
And there was the man in the front one and his wife was in the back of it.
She was pregnant, which actually worked better for pantomime horses because it fills in the
belly of the horse, right?
Yeah.
It makes its udders work.
Yeah.
And then she gave birth in the pantomime horse during the pantomime horses because it fills in the belly of the horse. It makes its udders work. Yeah. And then she gave birth
in the pantomime horse
during the pantomime.
Right.
And it came out
and played one of the dwarves.
That's what it could have done.
Yeah.
If it was Snow White,
but it wasn't,
it was Aladdin.
Yeah.
So what part did the baby
play in Aladdin?
Lamp.
And they called the baby
Grimsby Horse.
Grimsby Horse Grimsby Horse
yeah
it's a lovely name for a baby
isn't it
see I've done notes
no you're right
I take it all back
I was being a bit accusation
of Ed Den of doing no work
and not bringing any preparation
but he has done notes
insofar as he just made
something up
about a Grimsby Horse baby
well that's how I operate mate
well just wing it
yeah just wing it mate
and it's gold
pure gold
look what happens
look what happens when you wing it.
No funny stories
happen to me.
This is why
Tony Slattery
threw you out
of that
in Brunton.
Welcome to
the show,
though.
I was on
Star Wars'
website the other
day.
Yeah.
StarWars.com.
Oh.
Right,
so there's a
little plug for
them,
so maybe
they can give something in return. Yeah. I've given them a little plug for them so maybe maybe they can give
something in return
yeah
I've given them a little plug
yeah
sent a bit of traffic
they need a little plug
yeah sent a bit of traffic
their way
starwars.com
so hey
come on George Lucas
play the game
quit pro quo
give us a bit back
he can put you
in the next film
yeah
is there a one or not
no no
the hobbit isn't it
oh right
that still sounds like
a hobbit mate
no no you wouldn't be the hob, you wouldn't be the Hobbit.
That's a bit harsh, mate.
You wouldn't be the Hobbit.
You'd be the big hero.
I'd be the normal bloke from the corner.
The normal looking bloke.
All tall and slim.
Yeah.
Anyway, I was on Starz.com.
They've got these little games and stuff on it.
Right.
That you can play.
They're alright.
They're pretty basic, but they're alright.
They're okay to play.
But also, one of the things you can do is you can make a Star Wars scroll.
So at the beginning of the Star Wars films,
there's always a scroll.
Oh, the writing.
Yeah, I know that.
I know that, yeah.
In yellow.
Yeah.
Very specific.
But they've got a thing
where you can type in your own script.
Right, okay.
And then it comes up on it.
Yeah.
And it does the music for it.
It just looks like the film.
Yeah.
Really, really good.
Cool.
As is the way we do these things.
I couldn't really think
of anything to write.
So I just put episode two
to Pete Hogan Gamble podcast
and then put
Ray and Ed
doing a podcast
on their own
and it was better
than the other one
and I was like
write all this out
press play
started
my bloody name
was asterisked out
because it said cock
because it said cock in it
Ray P
it was P
and then
and at the sign
and I was really
really upset
Ray P
Ray P Ray P asterisked out Ray P's a good name I know what I was going Ray P that. Ray P. Ray P. Ray P.
Asterix out.
Ray P's a good name.
I know what it's called.
Ray P.
That's a bit, that's not a good name, is it?
Unless you are.
Yeah.
Unless you are one of them.
And speaking of horses, ladies, on about the Grimsby horse.
Yeah.
I watched Zoo.
Yeah, I saw that on your table, right?
Yeah.
Is that a naughty film?
Oh, I tell you what, I wish it was.
Has it got horse with a lady?
No, it's not horse with a lady.
It's about, I can't remember his name. They say was. Has it got horse with a lady? No, it's not horse with a lady.
It's about, I can't remember his name.
They say they do that in Mexico a lot.
What?
People go to Mexico and watch a donkey show.
Yeah.
With a donkey and a lady.
Yeah.
Kissing.
Yeah.
Well, it's not that.
All right.
It's not that.
You know when the Two Girls, One Cup came out,
and then there was two girls. One Man, One Jar.
All that sort of bollocks, yeah.
Oh, that's not nice.
But One Man, One Horse is about Kenneth,
I can't remember his surname,
and that's perhaps the best.
Pranner.
No, it wasn't Kenneth Pranner.
Williams.
No.
It was a man who was basically killed
because he had sex with a horse.
Oh.
With the horse's man truncheon.
Went up the gentleman's
too small for that.
Yeah.
And broke all the insides.
Right, and he died because of that.
Yeah, bled to death.
So, because when you originally said it,
I thought you were saying he was killed by, like, some villagers.
Have they been naughty boy or not?
Yeah, have they been naughty boy or not?
No, no, he died from the sex.
Yeah.
So it's a documentary about that.
Right.
Well, that's what I thought it was going to be.
Okay.
That's how it presented itself.
But what it is, really, I was really disappointed with it.
Because I find the thing really interesting.
I find the whole story behind it really interesting.
When you say interesting...
Sexy.
Yeah.
No, well, this is the thing, right?
Because in that film, it's all, like, voiceover stuff.
It's all interviews of people involved in it.
Yeah.
Doing voiceover.
But it's just film.
It's all slow-motion shots of farms.
Oh, right.
It's really boring.
That's not very good.
No, it's really...
You wanted to see, like, full-on...
You wanted to see...
That's in it.
That's in it, that bit.
You wanted to see a meat shot.
Not really.
That's in it.
And you can get it on the internet for easy.
Have a look at it.
It's not really,
it's no big deal
really.
No.
But they're all
on about like,
oh, it was
consensual.
No.
And it probably
was.
Yeah.
And oh,
I have a
relationship with
you.
And I was
sat there going,
just cut to the
fucking chase.
You wanted
something massive
up your ass.
You wanted to be
a dirty boy
yeah
if you say that
I've got enough
respect for that
if you're a dirty boy
and want to do that
fine
rather than saying
that you're having
a relationship
with the horse
yeah but don't
try and dress it up
all soft and
blinky blonky
piano music
and try and make it
like that
so I was gutted
with it
do you remember
that time
before the documentary
there was a man
who married a horse
yeah
he married a little
shy horse
see now that one I believed
because that horse was an ugly fucker.
That must have been loved out.
Yeah.
I was in Toys R Us the other day.
Yeah.
Some more Star Wars Lego.
Yeah.
With the money that I've been making
from the gigs I've been getting myself.
Yeah.
Do you think you will have the whole Star Wars universe one day? One day, I imagine that. Yeah. With the money that I've been making from the gigs I've been getting myself. Yeah. Do you think you will have the whole Star Wars universe one day?
One day, I imagine that.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm hoping one day to live in a Lego house.
They've got them, haven't they, somewhere?
I thought they made one, didn't they?
That work of Top Gear made one.
Yeah, he did make one, yeah.
I think they knocked it down, didn't they?
I think they did.
Really?
Because no one wanted to live in it.
Oh, I would have lived in it.
Too far too late now.
Yeah.
Send an email when you get in.
Yeah.
There might be just... Or the Lego might still be there.
Yeah.
Build it all back up yourself.
Build it back up, yeah.
Yeah, I'd like to live in Legos with interactive Lego accessories.
But only Star Wars stuff.
Yeah.
Star Wars Lego, really.
Yeah.
Do you not like Harry Potter Lego?
No.
Do you not like just normal hospital Lego?
No.
Toy Story Lego I quite like.
Yeah.
The Batman Lego I quite like, but I never got any of it.
No.
I liked it. But you'd like a look at it. Jin Jan Jones. Jin Jan Jones Lego. Yeah, I like out. Toy Story Lego I quite like. Yeah. The Batman Lego I quite like, but I never got any of it. No. I liked it.
But you'd like a look at it.
Jin Jan Jones.
Jin Jan Jones Lego.
Yeah, I like that.
The problem with Jin Jan Jones Lego, though, is that it's just like a car or a plane.
Right.
It's not like...
Specific things from the film.
Yeah, because Star Wars, they've designed those things, haven't they?
Yeah.
So they're them.
But Jin Jan Jones lived in real life.
Yeah.
So it's just like, oh, here's a little figure of Jin Jan Jones with a truck.
And I like trucks, but I could just get a Lego truck.
Yeah, you could do, yeah.
And just put a little bit of stubble on my Han Solo Lego.
Same thing, innit?
And a whip.
Yeah.
But anyway, I was a bit alarmed when I was in Toys R Us.
Because I've got to wear one of them.
Because I'm not allowed near children.
No, I went past this Mr. Man chair.
Right, you know the Mr. Man?
Yeah, I do.
We all bloody love the Mr. Man, don't we?
We do, we like all their different characteristics.
I've done a little painting of the Mr. Man.
Yeah.
Do you think that they became those things, like Mr. Bump became quite clumsy and hurt himself?
Yeah.
Because that's what he was called.
Because his parents were like, I'll call him Mr. Bump.
You wouldn't let him do that.
It was just fate that he was
always going to be
clumsy
or do you think
that they were
originally called
like Colin
and then once
he falls over a bit
and they go
we'll call him
Mr Bump
and how is there
not more racism
in the Mr Men
world because
none of them
are the same colour
well this is
what I'm going to
talk about
because they
started doing this new thing with them.
With the Mr Men. Right, yeah. I think
I'm sure that the Mr Men franchise has been sold
to someone else and they've revamped it.
Right. And the thing is, they've all got, right,
the Mr Men chairs that I saw were talking Mr Men chairs,
right? Right. I was going to take you through
some of the things that were going on because
I found it genuinely alarming.
Right. Mr Tickle, right? Yeah.
We all know Mr Tickle.
Orange with all the long arms.
Yeah.
But apparently, the thing that they never mention in the book, he's Irish.
He's Irish.
But tell you what, when you press the button on that one, he goes,
Somebody needs a tickle!
Like that.
I don't like that.
Like a drunk Irish man.
Pretty much, yeah.
Mr Happy was American, right?
He was going, you're the best oh that's mr happy
right right miss naughty who i'd never heard of anyway right bloody barbara windsor she is
oh naughty little cockney slag mr bump had an interesting catchphrase and i don't know what
it was right poopity poop and i don't know why right just, right? Poopity poop. And I don't know why.
Right, just because he's sort of bumbling around.
But what's poopity poop?
Well, if it's a chair for children, surely that's going to be misleading.
Poopity poop, yeah.
A boy's going to sit on that chair and go poopity poop.
He'll go, okay.
Yeah, all right then.
Yeah.
They call them the sit and giggle talking chairs, but they're not.
Right.
Sit and widdle talking chairs.
And poo as well.
The one I was most alarmed with though
was Mr. Rude.
Oh, what did he do?
Fuck off.
No, French.
French?
Yeah, he just burps
and farts and goes
oh, pardon me.
I'm not sure that
they should assimilate
any sort of accent to them.
No, because then
that is more stereotypical
isn't it?
Well, the Mr. Men
I mean, how could
the Mr. Men get more
stereotypical?
Yeah. They are stereotyping each and every one of them Mr Men, I mean how could the Mr Men get more stereotypical? They are
stereotyping each and every one of them.
But then you're also attributing regional
and national accents.
The fact is it's not too bad, it's not
racist if like oh because you don't
attribute clumsiness to
round blue people because there's no such thing as
round blue people. But as soon as you put an accent
on it and saying that French people
are rude and that Irish people are rude, and that
Irish people touch other people to try and make fun.
Yeah.
And that cockney women are naughty.
Yeah.
There's also something sexist about the Mr Men, isn't there?
Because the men ones are Mr Men, right?
Yeah.
And the girl ones are Little Miss.
I don't know, because I think she was just called Miss Naughty.
Right, okay.
But they were Little Miss, weren't they?
They were Little Miss, yeah.
Yeah, I think that is a bit sexist.
Why?
Because they're never going to get to be the misters, are they?
They're never going to get up to the same level as Little Miss Glass Ceiling.
Why?
Because they're always like, oh, Little Miss there, Little Miss.
Yeah, go and fetch us a cup of tea, Little Miss Tea.
Yeah, Little Miss Tea Bag.
Yeah.
Actually, she's something else, she is.
But, you know, people say you've got to update it for children and that.
Yeah.
But you haven't.
No.
Is that, oh, nowadays you've got children?
It's not.
Yeah, children are more modern.
No, children are exactly the same as they ever were.
Yeah.
Because they're unprogrammed.
They're completely unprogrammed.
They're like an all-in-one Sky Remote.
That you've not put the code in yet.
Yeah.
They don't know what they're going to work.
See, surely that, you're saying you don't want children or anything
I don't
but surely that's an
exciting prospect
to get a little
blank canvas
in the fanny post
what
a little blank canvas
in the fanny post
and then program it
to fit the French people
burping fart
you can make it
whatever you want
why would I want that
you could get
you could get a whole
family right
of children
and then go right
one of them will be
a soldier
one of them will be mad one, one of them will be mad.
One will be a complete pacifist, that'll give rows.
Yeah, exactly.
Guys, it could be like bloody bread round my house.
Put one of them in a cave for four years and then showed them the real world and see what
happens.
I don't think you're allowed to do that.
Oh, you're not?
That's the thing, you're not.
They are your children.
I know you've made them.
Yeah, exactly.
Do what you want with it, mate.
Yeah, you wouldn't say, oh, you've made a papier-mâché model of it mate yeah you wouldn't say oh you've made a paper mache model
of Buzz Lightyear
you're not allowed
to punch it in the head
would you
because you have made it
and it is your money
you have put into it
yeah
oh you're not allowed
to wee on it
yeah exactly
in the bath
oh you're not
you're not allowed
to leave it
in a shopping centre
and then go
and then go under
a public announcement system
and say
your dad's gone
I hate you
you wouldn't say
that you're not allowed
to do that with a
paper mache
model of Buzz Lightyear
yeah oh you've made
a paper mache
model of Buzz Lightyear
but you're not
throwing it under that car
oh you're not
throwing that out
your sunroof
on the motorway
why not
it's bloody mine mate
do what I want with it
exactly yeah oh you can't feed that to a tiger this society is so fucked that you can do your sunroof on the motorway. Why not? It's bloody mine, mate. Do what I want with it. Exactly.
Yeah.
Oh, you can't feed that
to a tiger.
This society is so fucked
that you can do
some things to
paper mache models
of Buzz Lightyear
that you can't do to humans.
That is fucked, isn't it?
Yeah.
If that's the society
that we're operating in,
there's no bloody point.
A bit of the news this week, me and you.
Yeah, all over the news, mate.
All on Chortle's front page.
Yeah, doing our kissing.
Yeah, kissing it off at Keele University so Bennett listens to it.
That's what he found out.
Steve Bennett from Chortle came good.
Yeah, he did.
And he printed up a thing saying...
Saying that we don't kiss in Keele University.
So it proves that he listens to the podcast.
No one's been in contact with me about it.
So I've got to just colour in...
Colour in Steve Bennett on the chart.
Steve Bennett on his chart.
What colour are you going to do him in?
What colour is that, would you say?
Sort of purple. Sort of aubergine.
Yeah, aubergine, man.
Yeah.
Right, so this week... So that's a two out of two hit rate. Two out of aubergine. Yeah, aubergine man. Yeah. Right, so this week...
So that's a two out of two hit right there.
Two out of two hit right, so now we need to ask somebody else who should be listening to the podcast.
The Queen! The Queen!
No, the Queen shouldn't be listening to the podcast necessarily.
Right.
She's not duty-bound to a show.
Right.
Ed's mum! Ed, what's she got to do?
Well, she doesn't listen to it.
Well, she should listen to it.
Right.
She should be supporting her son.
But then what's going on?
My mum listens to it.
Yeah, well let's do your mum then.
No, I'll do it. But she does listen to it already. Right, well then... Ed's mum. But how do you know she listens to it? We need to to it. Right. She should be supporting her son. But then what's going on? My mum listens to it. Yeah, well, let's do your mum then. No, I'll do it.
But she does listen to it already.
Right, well then...
Ed's mum.
But how do you know she listens to it?
Ed's mum.
We need to test it.
Ed's mum.
No, no, no.
But this is not how this section works.
If we know they don't listen to it,
then we'll just say do something
and then they won't do it
and then that is the end of it.
No, but she should be listening to it.
Right, okay.
So somebody's going to have to give her the heads up.
Right.
And here's what she's got to do.
She's got to get on the news.
Right? Somehow, Right. Anne Gamble, she's got to do. She's got to get on the news. Right? Somehow, Anne Gamble, Ed's mum, has got to get on the 6 o'clock news. Right? I'm thinking a bit like
when them lesbians went on it that time. And kicked up a fuss. And someone sat on them.
So that's what your mum's got to do. Does she have to dress as a lesbian? No, she probably
won't be seen on it. Right.
I just want to hear her making a fuss.
Yeah.
I've got a BBC pass.
I can get her in.
Right, okay.
Right.
And then she bursts onto the news.
Then she can do it and say,
I listened to it, I listened to it.
Yeah. Maybe, I don't know,
if she wants to show anything,
she can, you know,
maybe pop something on top of Hugh Edwards' head.
I don't know how she's going to do it,
but we need to see if Anne Gamble't know how she's going to do it,
but we need to see if Anne Gamble, as mum,
is going to prove that she listens to the podcast.
By breaking onto the news.
Breaking onto the news and popping a knock on Hugh Edwards.
So we'll give you an the presents that you've been sending thanks for all the joy they're Who could live without it? I ask in all honesty.
What would life be without a soul?
Sluggering, figuring, beef jerky.
Pucky old Phil Tom.
So I say.
We say.
We say thank you for the presents.
For sending them to me.
Oh.
Yes, Matt Warthouse sent us...
Matt Warthouse sent...
Hey, thanks to Nigel Hill as well for doing that.
Yeah, for doing our Ho song.
If you go onto the fan page,
might shove it on the podcast one week.
Yeah, I think we should, yeah.
Yeah, it sounds pretty cool.
Although what I also suggested to Nigel was,
is we just record the whole thing.
Yeah.
Just do the whole thing,
put it out as a single, I reckon.
But yeah, Nigel did a version
of us singing How
yeah by Ludacris
yeah
and us singing it
from the podcast
but then put music
under it
yeah loved it
and then cut Ed's speech
to make him sound
like he was rapping
it's particularly impressive
yeah it was
at the very end of it
yeah
Matt Waterhouse
admitted sending us
the gifs last week
about the laser pointer
and the
what do you call it
the flint
the flint thing
which I've not got yet
it's in the office
making of it
alright
the laser pointer
was a Star Wars
laser pointer
and that's what
you needed
that's what I withheld
yeah
and he told me that
yeah
admitted it
so it's all sorted out
and then this morning
lovely treat
from Max Warren
sent us some
biltong
biltong
some biltong
at my house
and biltong
at your house
yeah but I also
got a little
Star Wars Lego
figure
oh what
of Admiral
Ackbar
from Star Wars
yeah
but I'm a little
bit worried
it's a trap
it's from Star Wars
people who know
it will be laughing
now
that's his famous
bit
right okay
it's a trap
right
that's what he says
he does like that
alright
because what's
happening is
they're doing an
attack on the
second Death Star there's not another Death Star is there yeah second one oh bloody hell in Return of the Jedi right he does like that alright because what's happening is they're doing an attack on the second death star
there's not another
death star is there
yeah second one
oh bloody hell
in the turn of the Jedi right
and as they're pulling up to it
they realise there's all
bloody imperial shit's behind him
right
it's a trap
that's what he says
I am your father
no you're not my father
so I don't know why
you're saying that
my dad's not been well
you've not even asked about him
I have I'm always asking about him
I had a bit of a shock the other day.
I was there the other day.
Did you?
I was genuinely, genuinely worried.
Right.
I thought something had happened again.
Right.
I was in the living room.
My dad and my mum were in the back in the conservatory.
Right.
And then I just heard my mum go,
Oh my God!
Right, and I ran through and I was like,
Oh fuck, what's happened?
What's happened?
She was watching You've Been Framed.
Ah!
Right? She was, honestly, you've never seen someone watch you've been framed the way she's she's going oh good god oh no oh oh and then she sort of changed
attack a little bit and started getting angry about it and what's she doing on that table
she's a size no wonder that collapsed well why she got a boo-boo best one was is that a real
dog do you really think a real dog like someone's gonna go to the lengths of making an animatronic
to get 250 quid yeah they'll spend two and a half million quid on making an animatronic
real life dog to fall in a swimming pool. That'd ruin it anyway.
Once my grandad was sitting in the back room of the house, right?
Yeah.
And he heard a massive bang and my grandma screaming, right?
So he got up, right?
Yeah.
As fast as he could.
And he is an elderly gentleman.
Yeah.
And he was running so fast, he tripped over and went through the plate glass window of
the kitchen door, right?
This isn't a very nice story.
Right?
It was my grandma breaking up frozen peas.
She was hitting them as she went,
because some went on the floor.
And your grandma went through a window for that.
Yeah, so at least she had something to put on the cuts.
Yeah, so I said at the end of it, yeah.
That is the accident that looks after itself.
So it was a happy ending in the end.
Yeah, in the end, yeah.
Yeah.
It's weird how people
react to things, isn't it?
Like stupidly out of control.
It was just that thing of,
my mum's always said to me
that her nan used to say to her
when she was younger,
never scream
unless you're in bother.
Never make any sound
like you're in bother
unless you actually are.
Okay.
Right?
Which I think is a very salient point.
Because otherwise the villagers
will not believe it
when there is a wolf.
Yeah, exactly.
Then the wolf comes
and eats all the children.
And then a man comes
with the pipes
and cleans up the ones
that are left.
Playing them
and they follow him
into the river
with the rats or something.
But she doesn't heed
that advice herself.
She was just watching
you be framed.
Do you know what?
She was watching you
be framed
and acting as if
she was the insurance firm
that was dealing
with the accidents.
And you go,
wow, that shouldn't
be happening anyway. Well, that shouldn't be happening anyway
well you shouldn't
be riding a BMX
on a rope across
a river
getting proper
cross
that's really funny
that's pretty much
the end of that
don't you
want to just
turn the computer
off and then
pretend
if I do a
big laugh
now
like you've said
something occasionally people might be drifting off while they're listening to this and they might think there's a proper ending pretend. If I do a big laugh now, like you've said something, occasionally
people might be drifting off while they're listening to this and they
might think there's a proper ending. Shall we try that?
Do a big laugh and then I'll put the music on.
Alright.
Oh dear! That is a
classic punchline.
You've not even asked me how I've got on
in the finals of the yodelling competition.
What do you mean?
Well, you know that I'm a world-class yodeller.
No.
I keep that quiet.
I do keep it quiet because I think that people in the public eye, like I am,
should have something different about them as well.
Yeah.
That they just do that other people don't know about.
That is a secret.
Yeah.
You know, there's very few people that are as talented as me
who aren't talented at something else as well. That's true, yeah. So I'm very... Madonna's got a cabala, hasn't about. That is a secret. Yeah. You know, there's very few people that are as talented as me who aren't talented at something else as well.
That's true, yeah. So I'm very...
Madonna's got a cabala, hasn't she? Of course she has.
And then I'm very talented at comedy.
Yeah. Doing talking on a podcast. Yeah.
I'm also a very talented writer. Yeah, you are, yeah.
Drawing, I'm good at. Drawing, you're very good at drawing.
Yeah, but I'm also a very, very talented yodeler.
Right.
I can play harmonica. Yeah, you can.
Keep it out of quiet. I can play guitar. I never tell anyone that. No.. Right. I can play harmonica. Yeah, you can. Keep it out of the quiet.
I can play guitar.
I never tell anyone that.
No.
Piano, I can play a bit.
Can you?
And harp.
Yeah.
I'm joking about the harp.
But yeah, my yodeling is...
It's really taking off now, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
Well, yeah, I'm doing well.
I'm doing well.
Why are you sat all awkward?
Because I'm not...
I wasn't near the mic
when you started recording,
so I've had to sort of
slowly get up.
You're sat like you need a poo.
I do need a poo.
You need a poo?
Yeah, really badly.
Have you tried pushing one out of your anus?
I've not tried that, no.
I was trying to blink it out.
You know when you go to the toilet,
and you do a poo,
you go in there, you put your pants down,
you poo in your hand,
and then you pop it into the toilet.
You just place it into the bottom of the toilet.
I know, you know, when you go for,
not a wee, when you go for a poo. Yeah, a poo. You go in the toilet, put place it into the bottom of the toilet no you know when you go for not a wee when you go for a poo
yeah
you go in the toilet
put your pants down
bend over
like sort of
your face parallel
to the floor
and your hand
behind your back
you just put the poo
into your hand
don't you
and then
you know when
you're putting that
poo in the toilet
no
do you throw it
or do you just
do you just
I sometimes
put my hand
under the water
and just let it go
like I'm letting
a salmon that I've tickled go.
Well, no, because that's not how you're supposed to go to the toilet.
You're supposed to sit on the toilet
and do the poo into the toilet.
Yeah, right.
I'll do that then.
You should.
No, well, I'll tell you what, Ed.
Let's have a water poo.
I'll just sit on the toilet.
Yeah.
Yeah, right, Ed. You should do it. Hey, Ed, let's have a water poo. Why don't I just go in, I'll sit on the toilet. Yeah. Yeah, right.
You should do.
Hey Ed, let's have a wad of poo.
Why don't I just go in there and just sit on the toilet and do the poo?
That's what you're supposed to do.
That's what I'll do.
I'll put my pants down and put my bum actually on the toilet.
Yeah, yeah.
And then poo it in the toilet.
That's how everyone does it.
That's how I'll do it next time.
Oh, you mental case.
My friend Pete, when he got to'll do it next time. Oh, you mental case. My friend Pete,
he got,
when he got to university on his first day,
right,
he got there
and everyone was packing
their stuff into halls,
right?
Right.
And there was a big long queue
for the two toilets.
Okay.
So he got in the queue
and he got to the toilet
and he did a massive poo.
Right.
And it wouldn't flush.
Right.
And there were still
loads of people queuing
so he didn't want to come out
and then them go in
and see this big poo
and for the rest of the time
be known as the man who did the big poo.
Well, what did he think they thought he was doing in there?
Yeah, but not when you have to have a look at, you know what I mean?
Put a bit of tightrope on top of it?
Yeah, I suppose so, but I think maybe it was even poking out the top.
Alright, well then do a brilliant painting on the wall and then everyone will just look at that.
When do you go in there, aren't they?
Yeah, that would make sense, yeah. A lot of sense.
Shit on the wall.
So you think it'd be better
to know there's shit
on the wall, man?
When you need a poo in your hand,
rather than placing it
in the toilet,
letting it go like a salmon
you've tickled,
right,
it's trout in it,
it tickled,
tickling trout.
Right.
Do you tickle salmon as well?
I don't know,
I'm more concerned
with the fact
you're holding poo.
Either way,
you rub the poo
right up the wall
and there are people
going in,
they won't even look
in the toilet
at the big poo. They'll go, oh, there's poo all up the wall. Yeah. And there were people going in. They weren't even looking at the toilet in the big poo.
Yeah.
They were going, oh, there's poo all up the wall.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, he couldn't flush this poo,
and he didn't want to go out and him be blamed for this big poo.
Right.
So he waited until he thought everyone had gone,
and the corridor was empty.
Yeah.
And he thought what he'd do, right,
he'd put his hand in the toilet,
pick up the poo, right,
and go into the other toilet
and release it like a salmon that he tickles.
So he looked around the corridor, he couldn't see anyone, and he got the poo in his release it like a salmon that he tickles. So he looked around the corridor
and he couldn't see anyone
and he got the poo in his hand
and he went out
and then just as he was going in the other one
a girl came round the corner
and he just stood there
with a big poo in his hand
and he had to go,
hello, my name is Peter.
Yeah, Pete the poo monster from now onwards.
Pete the poo holder, yeah.
That makes no sense though.
Why?
Well, because if he locked out
and no one was there,
why does it matter that the poo was in the toilet?
Fuck off.
Because then people would have seen him go in there
and be in there for ages.
And then they go,
oh, what was that bloke doing in there?
Yeah, but you can just say that was me.
Oh, a massive shit.
But that's obviously,
if he was in there for ages,
that's obviously what he was doing.
Yeah.
I think he just wanted to hold the poo.
From that story.
I've never held a poo.
I think, I've never held a poo.
You have, you've just said you hold poos all the time.
No, I wear poo gloves on. Do you have poo gloves?
I'm like the mittens, really.
Uh-oh.
What? Time for
the section that keeps this going.
How is this still going on?
The section that is the wind beneath the podcast wings.
Sing it.
Did you ever, ever hear of food that races for you?
Then when I say it, then you think that you would really like that food too.
Or drink.
That's right.
There is no way that we can get new listeners
starting to listen to it, is there?
This week's food
is
fanny.
Have some fanny.
Oh no.
Get your mouth up a fanny.
Maybe just chew on it and put a finger up there.
Have some fanny.
If she's a proper dirty girl, do one in a bum and all.
Thumb in a bum, finger in a fanny, eating it and rubbing them together inside.
Have some fanny up your mouth.
Have some...
Don't bite it too hard. Eat a fanny up your mouth. Have some... Don't
bite it too hard.
Eat a fanny on the bus.
If you're on the night
bus one night and you're drunk,
eat a fanny upstairs on the back seat.
That's better than a kebab,
but it looks the same.
Eat a fanny instead of a
Mars bars. You will
lose weight if all you eat is fanny. Then you'll get more. Fanny begets fanny instead of a Mars bars. You will lose weight if all you eat is fanny.
Then you'll get more.
Fanny begets fanny.
Eat the fanny and beget another one.
Beget.
Have a fanny and a beget.
Get a beget.
Shove it up a fanny.
Eat the beget.
Have the fanny and then eat the fanny for your pudding.
Fanny. Fanny.
Fanny time.
How is this the longest one you've ever done?
It's peanut butter fanny time, peanut butter
fanny time, something for the dog.
Put peanut butter on the fanny,
and let the dog eat it.
Get the dog involved.
Fanny. Doggy? Oh, no. You're getting a dog involved. Funny.
So I do my yodelling.
What can you do besides comedy?
I mean, you can't really do comedy, but what can you...
Don't say that.
What can you do besides comedy?
What other things, what other skills have you got?
What will you have to fall back on?
Yodelling I can do.
What's that you've got in your hand?
Is that Nostoc?
Nostoc and Green Man.
When did you do Nostoc?
I did Nostock in June.
You fucking scruffy bastard.
Get it cut off.
You don't need a fucking band from a festival on for three months.
I like it there.
You scruffy bastard.
It's nice.
Go on, what else can you do?
Yodelling.
No, you can't yodell.
I can.
No, you can't.
I'm the yodeller.
No, you can't.
Right, you do a bit of yodelling and then I'll do a bit of yodelling and then maybe we can start a group.
I'm going to do my yodelling as the big closer.
Right.
For a surprise.
Right, okay.
Then people will be surprised.
I can do Barbershop Quartet.
You've tried that before, and it was rubbish.
It didn't do barbs.
You did a quarter of a Barbershop Quartet.
It's what you did, provided that you were all out of tune.
Right.
Can you draw like me?
I did a drawing of John Major once.
Why?
I don't know.
I think I liked him when I was little.
You liked John Major when you were little?
What sort of fucking
life have you led?
First off,
you shouldn't have even
been aware of John Major
when you were little,
but to actually like him.
He was Prime Minister.
He was a prick.
He was an absolute prick,
same as every Prime Minister
we've had has been.
Every last one.
Alright, Billy Bragg.
Should I?
Every Prime Minister
has been shit.
Brothers and sisters.
I popped the volume.
That is right.
I think it is, yeah.
I think it was one of us.
Back once again with the Renegade Master.
I would love Billy Brad to go all-time, though.
Right on time.
Although that wasn't Billy Brad going tenor then.
That wasn't Billy Brad going steptoe.
Yeah.
Right on time.
Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Oh, every time I bring a bloody bird home.
Oh dear father, I will tell you one day,
I'm going to leave you, I will kill you.
I can do beatboxing.
Go on then.
Oh.
Bit beat flammy.
I can do beatboxing as well.
Go on then.
That's spitting on me.
That's what that is.
All right, I know what you're getting at.
I'm doing my yodelling.
Right, here we go.
Yabba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba-labba- Oh, right.
Shall I do a bit more?
Yeah.
That's really nice, mate.
Yeah, I'll do a bit more for you.
All right.
So imagine we're in the Alps.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm imagining it all. I'm up the top there.
Yeah.
Have you got a big horn?
If you want.
Yeah.
Yeah. You don't have an horn if you're yodeling, do you?
Well, it's not a horn.
Do you do it into that?
You do it into that.
I was going to say, my horn isn't that big, really.
No.
I do my best with it.
All right.
I do it as hard as I can sometimes.
Can I try one now?
Yeah.
No, that's not how you do it.
You do it like this.
No, you do it.
You sound like Mr. Blobby or something.
Listen to how I do it.
No, you're not doing that right.
I think you're doing it for a joke Peacock and Gamble podcast
was devised and performed
by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble
all music by the Tiger Lilies
except for the last one
which is performed by Frank Seidhausen
Peacock and Gamble podcast
is a ready production
hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.