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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast central station.
What?
Rush hour.
Oh, is it?
Rush hour. I'm here, Ray Peacock. Hello.
Oh, I'm over here in this crowd. Wait for me.
Oh, hang on a minute. I said I would meet you by the clock. You didn't say your name.
Oh, I'm Ed Gamble.
There's no point in setting up a premise of like
going, oh yeah, it's the Central Station.
That is in order.
You could just say the names. Alright.
Hello, I'm the train driver.
Ed Gamble with a hat on. I put the coal
in the machine. Now, are you sure you're not
the controller? Oh, come on.
No, I'm only asking you if you are or not.
What's the matter?
Why are you getting all defensive about it?
Right, I think you are either the controller
or one of the trains with your big flat face.
Right, well, I think you are a tugboat.
A tugboat?
Yeah, you're not even in Thomas the Tank Engine.
Where's tugboat?
Is that where gentlemen who like gentlemen go
and also like to see?
At San Francisco docks.
Yeah.
No.
It's a little
overweight
tugboat.
No.
If anything,
if it is a little boat
with a tyre
a little overweight thing
You've got all tyres
all down the side of it
so you don't scratch
the paint against the docks.
That sounds more like you
because you are little
and overweight.
No.
You are like a little block.
Right.
Alright. This has started really upsetting me. Do you know what you are? What? You're the Angel of the North. Wonderful, big, tall, handsome, brown
moe. No, in a pantomime. So, if the Angel of the North was a character in a pantomime, but it probably played by
Little Moe out of the Rolly Polis or something like that, they'd put a pink ballet outfit on it. Right. And that is you. You are a statue from that northeast.
Yeah.
You're a statue, but in a pantomime with a pink ballet outfit on.
Famous for that, you are.
Well, I was thinking about this the other day, right?
Listen to this, right?
About you, right?
Yeah.
I bet no one has ever thought,
ooh, I would like to bomb Ray.
No gentleman, right?
But I bet all of them, if they do have a fantasy about you,
is getting bummed by you, right?
And the reason,
there's two reasons.
Firstly, because you have a beard
and you are a rough-looking gentleman.
No, you're saying it like...
So they want to be dominated by you,
like, oh God, I've been attacked by an homeless.
That is you.
That's when you come into this.
Secondly, if they let you.
Secondly, if they think
that it'll just go in without too much
bother, they would not think, oh, I would
like to buy them. I'll tell you why. I'm
trying not to be offensive, but by the look
of you, you clearly don't have a very good diet.
You look like you eat bad things
and it looked like you might eat spicy
things. So no one is going to want to put
their Willy Wodger, I know you don't,
but you look like you eat spicy things,
up somewhere where there's been spices.
And also, you look like your diet is so bad
that you're the sort of person who might poo themselves a lot
without even knowing.
Right.
Well, what a lovely way to start the show.
I'm saying that somebody might want to be bummed by you.
You just turned up at my house and gone,
just thinking, I don't think anyone would like to bum you.
Welcome.
I'm going, just thinking, I don't think anyone would like to bum you.
Welcome.
You're horrible.
Horrible boy.
Why?
I remember when I met you when you were a teenager and you were a nice boy and I let you come in and be on the podcast and now you've gone horrible.
What?
You've gone horrible.
Why, because of all that stuff?
Yeah, started it all. That wasn't an insult.
No, you started it.
What do you mean it wasn't an insult?
I'm just saying that... I was an analyst.... You just ruled out an entire, like, gender...
No, I'm not....population of people. What are gays? What are the gays?
Gay men? What do you mean, what are they? They're a thing of some... They're a subsection of something.
What do you mean, a subsection? No, you say, like, women...
They are human! No, no, but, like, you go, women are...
You can't say, oh, they are a type of dog. Women are a gender. Men are a gender.
Yeah, so what are gays? Men or women. Yeah, but what... They're... Depending on which one they are a type of dog. Women are a gender. Men are a gender. So what are gays?
Men or women.
Yeah, but what they are...
Depending on which one they are.
All right, well, all right.
You can't say they're a gelder.
You're...
Or something...
You're predominantly heterosexual.
Yeah.
Right?
So what are you...
That is a what?
I am a heterosexual man.
But your heterosexuality is a what?
That is a what?
Your man...
Sexuality.
No, your man of you...
Yeah.
Is a gender.
What do you mean by man of me? I'm a man. So your heterosexualness is a what? That is a what? Your man. Sexuality. No, your man of you. Yeah. Is a gender. What do you mean by man of me?
I'm a man.
So your heterosexualness is a what?
Preference?
Yeah, preference.
Yeah, so you've been...
No, that doesn't work.
You can't say that gay...
You can't say that gay people...
You've ruled out an entire preference of people.
...are a new gender.
No, I'm not saying that they're a new gender.
I'm saying that you have said an entire subsection of society.
Subsection?
You're saying, not a subsection, equal section.
Right.
You are saying that a third of the three sections...
Right, a third of it.
Well, all right, half of a new section, you've got normal and you've got gay.
Normal and gay?
Yeah, but there's probably more straight people than there are gay people, aren't there?
All right, yeah, all right then.
So they're about 20%.
10%, isn't it?
10% out, 20% in real.
Right.
Right?
So you've got...
Where are you getting this information from?
That's an official statistic.
Right.
You've got all them people.
This is the point.
You've got all them saying that none of them...
Yeah.
None of them...
Yeah.
...will want to have me on my knees, on my hands and knees.
Yeah.
Not even on my hands and knees.
Yeah.
Like, laying with my chin on the floor, my bum in the air,
my hands are reaching behind and I'm
holding my cheeks and my bum open.
I'm naked. Oh, you're naked.
Holding it open and then the men
want to that. You're saying that none of them
want to then put the penis
into that hole. I'm saying none of them do.
Push it in and out. Slowly at first.
I'm not saying that they would not be attracted to you. I think they would be, do push it in and out but I am saying slowly at first I am saying I'm not saying
that they would not
be attracted to you
I think they would be
but they would prefer
you do it to them
no that's
that's not right
I think that
there are gays
what will do it
I don't think there are
right
we must have
we must have a gay listener
um
Terry
can you
Terry
that's what I imagine
our gay listener is called
Terry
like from Terry
Terry World
that book
in Forbidden Planet
with all the naked men
that you always look at.
Terry World.
That confuses me, that book.
Because he's a weird looking man,
isn't he, Terry?
So Terry, our gay listener,
would you,
and I don't mean as a favour,
would you like to,
would you like to bum me?
Yeah.
Rather than me bum you.
And ask some of your friends.
Show some pictures around.
I reckon that not one gay man
in this country
would put his penis inside your bum
i don't believe that for a second right and certainly not for the reasons you gave certainly
not i think because they've got a spicy bump if they don't want to and that's quite right you
don't have to be attracted to me you'd be weird if you weren't yeah but if you're not that's fine
but i'm not having it that it's the reason is because you think I might be spicy.
I'm not having that.
I'm not having you going, oh, he's a bit of a red pepper army.
You look like Mr. Twit.
Right, yeah.
You are being a truly vile individual.
I'm sorry.
Horrible boy.
It's because I was really happy the other night, and now I'm in a mood because I'm not as happy as I was.
I know what's wrong with you. I know what's wrong with me because I'm not as happy as I was the I know what's wrong with you. I know, I know what's wrong with me
because I'm not as happy
as I was the other night
because well done, mate.
We won a Chortle Award.
We didn't win a Chortle Award there.
Shut up.
Because of you.
Shut up.
We were going to tell everyone
that we had won it.
No, it's because of you.
Why?
Because when we were meant
to be doing our campaigning
and canvassing,
you went off.
Yeah, but we're not
talking about this now.
You went off.
We'll talk about it in,
all right, well,
we will talk about it in the next section
because I'm not having this anymore.
I am sick of hiding for you.
I am sick of people saying to me,
why did Edgar miss him for two weeks?
And me have to make things up like you're in jail.
And I can't tell him the real reason.
So today, as a...
Do you know what?
I don't even care about that award
because they don't show up on pictures.
There's no point winning the Chortle Award.
Yeah, it's see-through.
It's a completely, completely see-through, transparent award.
Yeah.
So if you try and have your picture took with one,
you just end up with just writing on you.
Yeah, it's like a ghost.
It's a ghost award.
It says Chortle across your bosoms.
Yeah.
I don't want it.
I don't want it anyway.
So, that is a good one.
We've not even been to the awards yet, but I'm...
Oh, what?
Oh, you're a nice one. Yeah. Oh, are you looking forward to the awards yet but I'm oh what oh yeah nice one
yeah
oh are you looking
forward to the awards
what tonight
yeah
and I don't
I don't
I don't want to win it
oh me neither
let's officially
withdraw now
right do you know what
Steve Bennett from Chortle
yeah
thanks very much
for letting us
do it
in that book
for the
for the
Chortle Awards
2011
yeah
which are tomorrow night
no tonight
tonight
tonight
which
which we're we're going
to come to it
tonight anyway, but
we officially withdraw
from those awards.
We don't want to,
do you know what?
Give it the least
deserving person
instead.
Very quickly, we just have a little update from last week.
You remember the fancy dress story where I went to the fancy dress party in Jersey?
Yeah.
Just as a monkey?
Yeah.
Before that episode came out, I went home to my mum and dad's house,
and I was telling my mum I'd talked about it,
and she was going, oh, you're making me look stupid again.
And I played the thing, and she started debating loads of it.
Really? Right, first of all, apparently I cried in the room for an hour before it and refused to go downstairs.
That sounds like you.
Because I was dressed in knickers.
Yeah, of course, yeah.
So I don't know why she was showing off about that.
Oh, you're such an idiot crying just because I put you in knickers in front of people.
Secondly, wait till you hear this.
What?
And anyway, I didn't say you could go as a monkey.
It wasn't a monkey.
What was it, Mum? You were
a snake man.
Right? So also,
this week's competition,
if anyone can tell me what the fuck a snake man is.
And why does he have a monkey's head? And why does
he wear women's knickers? I'd be more
than happy to give you a prize
if you can give me an adequate answer to that.
Ridiculous.
And also,
I went through the photos.
I found some photos of it.
They're on the website,
peacockinghamble.com.
You can see them
on that front page
of me dressing some knickers
and a monkey hat, right?
Looking in the background
of the picture,
I'd never noticed this before.
Some cunt dressed as Popoy.
In the background.
After all that.
I bet you that probably
made you so angry when you saw him.
I was so angry, I wanted to take out children's eyes with me snakes.
Right, well, how about this?
What?
Right, a lot of heterosexual men...
Yeah.
Might want to just have one go of it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Just to be like, just experiment.
Just might think it's dirty one day.
But they're not going to ask you, mate.
No, they might go,
oh, I would do it with him
because he's got long hair,
bosoms a bit.
No, no, no.
Shapely.
You're very masculine.
Well done.
So they wouldn't,
what they'd like,
you've got a beard,
you are only,
if a gay ever bummed you, right,
you would be for...
It's not a gay.
It's not a gay.
No, listen. If gay ever bummed you, right, you would be for... It's not a gay. It's not a gay. No, listen.
If anyone ever bummed you, it would be a proper, experienced, professional gay.
You are like top of the tree.
You really need to work your way up to you.
Right.
Someone's coming in at ground level.
A heterosexual man wanted to give it a go.
They'd want to go with someone quite feminine, a young sort of boy looking, smooth skin.
Like a child?
Like, yeah.
Gay men bum children. No, no, no. No, they don't. We're not saying that. Oh, no. sort of boy looking smooth skin like a child like yeah gay men
bum children
no no no
no they don't
we're not saying that
oh no
it's going along with
gay paedophiles
might bum children
or
gays
whatever you want to call them
no no no
gay isn't paedophile
sorry
gay isn't a paedophile
you can't say that
I'm just saying that
you are a very
you're a very complicated
yeah that's true
gay
very experienced gays top of the tree yeah you're contradicting complicated yeah that's true very experienced
gays
top of the tree
we're talking
Tatchell
John
um
Cruz
those are the
no you can't say that
what
you'll get sued
for that
Cruz
Ray Cruz
oh yeah Ray Cruz
yeah sorry
Ray Cruz the gay
yeah Ray Cruz
the big gay
I completely misunderstood
what you meant by that
but you did mean
Ray Cruz the gay
yeah
yeah the gay character we thought of the gay character we thought of so you've now contradicted yourself because what you meant by that. But you did mean Ray Cruz the gay. Yeah. Yeah, the gay character we thought of.
The gay character we thought of.
So you've now contradicted yourself
because what you said was that gay men wouldn't want me.
But actually, I am a gay goal.
I'm like a glamour model of gay fantasy.
You're a glamour model of gay fantasy.
I'm a glamour model.
No, supermodel, in fact.
No, I'm a supermodel.
Goddess.
I'm a goddess of gay fantasy, is what I am.
And the problem
with that is
the gays go
it's not even worth
trying
because
that is a big
mountain to climb
a better gay
would get that
yeah
that's what they
were thinking
they'll think
a better gay
much better gay
than me
and do you know
what you're fine
you're a fine gay
but you think
I'm unobtainable
and that's why
I'm ultimately
very lonely
because you will never find a gay.
They won't approach me, the gays.
They're scared because I'm a goddess of gay fantasy.
And it's an horrible thing to live with.
I think, I just want to tell everyone now,
Ray does not eat spicy food.
What you should be saying at the moment is
that you're sorry about saying the gays are paedophiles earlier on.
I'm sorry about that. That was an accident. I've been brought up weirdly. Not that I have gays are paedophiles earlier on, you should say. I'm sorry about that. That was an accident.
I've been brought up weirdly.
Not that I think there's an...
Not that I have any issue with paedophiles.
I have no issue with paedophiles whatsoever,
as long as they don't do it.
I've no issue...
I think the time has come now,
where, as a society,
we should meet the paedophiles halfway.
Right.
I think the time has come
where we should allow them...
This got controversial, right?
Yeah.
We should allow the paedophiles to
distribute pictures of naked children
as long as
the naked pictures are
of them as children
so you know how everyone's
got that picture of them in the bath as a child
they're allowed to do that if it is
of them. That sounds utterly
fair. Yeah they can't do it of children being
molested or anything like that. No. None of that.
Unless it was them. If you're a paedophile
and you've got pictures of you being
molested by someone
else in the group, in the
ring, right? Yeah. And you were
fine with that. If someone else had to be in the
ring. If it's somebody else from the ring
and you were fine with it as a child, you were
fine with being molested by that person,
you can distribute that image.
Amongst in the ring, though.
And here is the rules, right?
Yeah.
If you, if everyone in the ring has a picture of you abusing them
when they were a child, then you are the lord of the ring.
Yeah, you are the lord of the ring.
And you are the one in charge of it.
And you are the one that has to go to jail, though,
if it all goes wrong.
Yeah.
Right?
So that's the other thing you take into account
as being lord of the Ring.
But you know,
I think it's nice, isn't it?
So you've got,
so you've got the gay community
who aspire to me
as the goddess of gay fantasy.
Yeah.
And now we've given something
off to the paedophile community.
Yeah.
You know,
to try and attain
the position of Lord of the Ring.
Yeah.
So don't say
we don't never
give you any incentives right now
it's time for
everyone's favourite section
in the movie industry
we're not
no no no no no
it's film pitch
idea
genuinely
it's film pitch idea
no genuinely
and this
I know we do this
sometimes on Playalong
no no we said
we weren't doing that section
we're not doing that section.
We're not doing that section.
Oh.
I want to discuss what we said before.
What?
When things happen to me, like when I get rushed to hospital and stuff like that with
McKinney's and all that.
Yeah.
I'm back on the mics, straight away.
Yeah.
Talking about it, sharing my life and all that sort of thing.
Yeah.
Open book me.
You are an open book and a lovely book.
You should be an open book.
Yeah.
And you're not open enough as a book.
The book you are is called Lovely Man. Right. Thank you very much. That's a nice thing up as a book the book you are is called Lovely Man
right thank you very much
that's a nice thing to say
but the book you are
and I'm sorry to say this
I'm sorry to say it
you are
a flimsy paperback
under the
under a table leg
not the band
you are
under a wobbly table
right
so the full weight of this
and on top of the table
yeah
is a full
roast dinner thing
and it's weight it's heavy on the book and you can't even get the book open So the full weight of this, and on top of the table, is a full roast dinner thing.
And it's heavy on the bottom, and you can't even get the book open, even a little bit.
Earlier this year, I had to take, I mean, even more than usual,
I had to take full responsibility for Peacock & Gamble Industries.
Because the other part of Peacock & Gamble Industries was offline.
Now, and also what I'm going to say now, why I remember,
is somebody, whilst it was offline, somebody was on Twitter, and I wish I could remember what the name was.
Yeah.
Giving it, come on you lazy fuckers, do your podcast, do your podcast.
Ed was in hospital.
Yeah.
You went into hospital, didn't you?
I did go in hospital.
And we kept it quiet.
Yeah.
I was genuinely concerned for you.
Why?
Because it's not, it's not so simple, is it?
When, it was a relatively routine operation that you had.
Yeah.
But, when you die a better man. Yeah. It's not so simple. No, because you've got to go it was a relatively routine operation that you had. Yeah. But when you die a better man, it's not so simple.
No, because you've got to go in overnight.
Yeah, there are always risks with that.
Yeah, got to go in overnight and have a thing put in the top of my hand, a needle with a tube leading from the needle into a bag.
Yeah.
Hung on a railing with wheels on the bottom so you can push it to toilet.
Yeah, or a drip.
Yeah.
As some people would call that.
Oh, yeah.
Of course, I was worried about it
because you're my friend
and also you're part of why I make money.
So I didn't want you to go under general anesthetic.
Yeah.
Die.
And then I'm like, oh, great.
Peacock emergency broadcast.
Yeah.
So how do you want to discuss it?
I don't want to say outright what I had done
because I think it might make people feel ill.
That's true.
Because I know of one boy who once heard about this operation.
And he literally just passed out.
It was that young boy, right?
I'll tell you what happened to that young boy.
That young boy had been invited by a very popular comedian and his idiot friend.
They'd invited that young boy to come and have a go on a podcast with them
they did
they went
do you know what
you've got no experience
you've got nothing
you're nothing
but come over here
he has been on EastEnders
this bloke
I remember the bloke
said in this story
he said
come and be on the podcast
it's at my house
I live a bit further away
so what you need to do
you need to go to
the house of a man
who used to be on EastEnders.
You don't know him.
A stranger.
Go round to a stranger's house and he'll make you sit in his house for an hour and a half.
He smokes rollies and cries.
Well, he smokes rollies and does a little cry.
And then you've got to get in his car, completely trust him.
That's a good point.
And you've got to go all the way to another place.
And you've got to trust him that he's not going to stop outside, like, White City, BBC. BBC. You go, I used to work there. I used to work there. I'm going in.
I'm going in. I'm going in. I'm going in. And then pull out a gun and put it to his
head. And say, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do
it. Watch me wank. Yeah. Do you know what? It's a fair point. When you put it like that.
Yeah. I did essentially say to you, a teenage boy, go and get in that stranger's car.
Yeah, you did.
Yeah, I did. So, alright. So, go on, your operation that you had.
The way I'm going to put it is, every gentleman has a gentleman's...
Accessory.
A gentleman's accessory.
Yeah.
Right. And I'm not talking about a shoe on, right?
No, you're not. You're not.
And some of them, gentlemen's accessories, have hats.
My gentleman's accessory...
Has a hat.
Has a hat, absolutely.
And I couldn't, do you know what?
I couldn't be happier with it.
Right.
My gentleman's accessory...
Yeah.
Started with a hat.
Unfortunately, my gentleman's accessory...
Yeah.
Was quite rude in that it wouldn't take the hat off even when it was indoors.
Right, okay.
So you've had your hat taken off your gentleman's accessory.
Yeah, yeah.
My hat took off in the hospital.
That was why I was away in the hospital.
And they put the thing in your arm and you had to walk about.
Yeah.
I mean, we said about the diabetes thing.
Yeah.
That you'd have to go in and you'd have to stay in overnight
because of the auto-monotony of diabetes
and blood sugar levels and insulin and all that sort of thing.
But as far as I could make out from speaking to you regularly
whilst you were in hospital
they just basically
got you in an hospital
so you could have a walkabout.
They made me come
at three in the afternoon
because they have to do that
just so ever for exempting.
Yeah.
And then they make you do it again.
Yeah.
They make you do that
until dusk comes out
and then you are ready
for the operation.
They put my drip in
at 2.30 in the morning.
Wow.
And then you had to go to sleep while the man took your hat off you.
Took my hat off me, my gentleman's accessory.
Took your gentleman's accessory and your hat took off, didn't you?
Yeah.
Now, how did that come about?
Was it a new development or was it something that you...
No, it's always been very rude, my gentleman's accessory.
Refused to take his hat off.
Refused to take his hat off all the time, really.
To the point where it was actually getting a bit awkward.
Yeah, a bit awkward when it went indoors and everything.
Yeah.
So when your gentleman's accessory, when the gentleman wanted to go indoors...
Yeah, and he just wouldn't take his hat off.
Even though the house it was going into was very strict about this sort of thing.
Very strict.
About saying, come on, when you come in this house, you take off your hat.
And he wouldn't.
And you go, no, I'm leaving me at home.
And then stubbornly just sat there.
Yeah, just sat there.
And that wasn't nice for me.
Getting redder and redder.
That's how I imagined the man.
So, you know what
I just thought
I've had enough of this
rude penis
yeah
because I don't know
if anyone's clocked it yet
but I'm talking about
my penis
and I had a tight foreskin
foreskin
whatever's saying
some of you
I'll be a bit slow
on the uptake here
I won't realise
the metaphor
why has he got that on and a shoe on?
What's this house he keeps going round?
What I'm saying is his penis, the foreskin on his penis wasn't moving at all.
I know you're all thinking, why is he going to this house if it won't let him in with that on?
Just don't go to the house.
Just go to an older house that might have more open doors.
Yeah, exactly.
with that on.
Just don't go to the house.
Just go an older house that might have more open doors.
Yeah, exactly.
There weren't,
there weren't,
there wasn't an available house
for Ed
to put his penis in.
So eventually,
I went to the doctors, right,
I just won't forget it,
taking this off, right.
Yeah.
Well, I went to the doctors
to have it looked at anyway
and it's pot luck in them,
in my GP,
different doctor every single time.
So I went in there,
I got a woman that time
because I didn't want to phone
the reception and go, can I have a gentleman doctor, because I'm planning
on getting my length out. So I went in there, lady, I was like, oh no. And I tell you what,
attractive lady doctor. Was she? Yeah. Really? I was a bit worried about that. Turns out,
fine. If no chance of that happening. Oh, no, God, no.
Mate, when I've had to get mine out,
and it's, right, the last time I had to get my knob out, right,
in front of a doctor, right,
I looked down and I went, I'm not messing,
I said to the doctor, I went, I'm not messing,
it has never been that small of a deal.
Literally, that is as big a surprise to me as it is to you.
It was ludicrous. So mine was little when she got it out, because, I mean, big a surprise to me as it is to you. It was ludicrous.
So mine was little when she got it out.
Because, I mean, she didn't get it out.
I had to get it.
She didn't go, can I really get it out?
I'll do it for you.
Because a lot of them won't play.
No.
Right, so she just went, sit on that with the weird paper top.
So I'd done that and I explained what the problem was.
And she was like, oh, give it a go now.
And it'd be bloody typical of me.
This always happens when something breaks.
And I go, I'll take it and get it looked at.
Suddenly it works.
Yeah, you get in there, pull it back, no bother.
Yeah, and go, oh, I just tried.
Oh, I've never done that before.
Oh, that's what it was.
And then I look like a wallet.
I look like I've just gone in there to show the doctor.
Yeah.
So she went, oh, it's not the worst I've seen.
So I went, thank you.
But she was obviously talking about the...
She was obviously talking about the... She was obviously talking about the...
How did she react to thank you?
Conditions, she just sort of...
They don't, do they?
They don't, do they?
No.
So that was fine.
She said, oh, I'll make you an appointment with the urologist.
So you're thinking, oh, do you pop in the next day?
I don't know, about like two months.
I got in there a bit nervous, obviously.
Yeah.
And I knew it would be a gentleman this time.
Is that better or worse than a woman?
Do you know what I would be thinking?
With a woman you're
thinking oh I wonder
if she thinks oh
that would be nice
inside me that penis
right or you know
if she's thinking
about it sexually
but then you think
I'd be better with
a man but I think
if it was a man
looking at it I'm
thinking he's going
mine's like miles
bigger than that
because that's what
I would think.
Really?
If I was a doctor
looking at knobs
I'd be like
see my knob's
miles bigger than
your knob. But wouldn't you get equally paranoid with a woman, looking at knobs, I'd be like, do you know what, my knobs are larger than your knobs.
But when you get equally paranoid
with a woman looking at it
and saying,
I've had way bigger ones than that.
Yeah, but you know,
they say that women don't care.
They say that women don't care.
Some think some are too big,
some think some are too small,
I imagine.
They say there's anything I imagine.
And what can you do?
Yeah.
Nothing you can do is it.
Anyway, I got down there
to the hospital,
to the urology department,
and I thought,
what if there's fitnesses there?
I'm a bit worried about that,
if they have to have a look at it as well.
Don't worry, they have been very clever.
They know it's urology.
They know it is men's willies.
They have hired some of the most ugly women.
That's a horrible thing to say.
No, but I think it's clever.
And it's lovely that it's possibly the only job in the world
where bad looks are important.
Yeah, yeah.
And they've gone, right, come in, come in, send a photo of yourself. You know, big brother sent in a photo.
That doesn't go in the bin like it would do for a modelling job or telly.
Yeah, like grab a surprise.
Top of the pile. Supermodel. No, pop that in the bin. She's not coming in.
No, thank you. Yeah, no, thank you.
Right? If I didn't know where I was, I would've thought I'd walked in on an NHS themed wig and hen
night.
But no matter how-
Tattoos, shaved hairs-
Shut up.
Well not shaved, but like short hair, like short dyed-
Really?
Tattoos?
Red hair, tattoos, like dance players, they look like dance players.
Oh my god.
Wow.
They're perfectly nice ladies though.
But even if they were like gorgeous sexy bombshells, you wouldn't be getting
bunk ons mate.
Yeah,
no,
but that's,
this is what I found out.
so go on,
so you go and see
your specialist.
Yeah,
go and see the specialist.
Went in to see him.
His name was Mr. Dick.
The,
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the, the Maybe he was so good at it at medical school that he went on the... Everyone just started calling him Mr. Dick.
It's like, Mr. Dick.
If he'd been a good gynaecologist...
Is he Dr. Dick?
No, Mr. because he's a consultant, I think.
They go back to Mr. when they're better than the doctor.
But he's been a doctor at some point.
Yeah, he was a doctor.
So at some point in his life, he's been Dr. Dick.
Or, my other thought was it,
because I'd heard them saying it
and I thought I must have misheard this
when the nurses came out.
Yeah.
I thought it was a code to not embarrass people.
I see, yeah.
Because they were saying things like,
I'll put you in for an 11 o'clock appointment with Mr.
Dick. Like, if I come another day, they would have said, I'll put you in for an 11 o'clock
appointment with, uh, with Willie. Yeah. But my first thought was, he went, come in, I'm
Mr. Dick. And he, he didn't, nothing on his face. But he's probably fed up with it. And
you know what? He asked me what I did, and I mentioned that I did stand-up. Yeah. And
he went, oh, I've seen some comedians before. As, as a doctor? Yeah. Oh. This is what I did and I mentioned that I did stand up. Yeah. And he went, oh I've seen some comedians before. As a doctor?
Yeah. Oh.
This is what I'm going to try and work out. Right, let's find this out, I know.
I have, I've had, I think one of them, right? I asked him and he told me all this as a back track. Right, possibly, yeah.
Yeah. Richard Herring was one of them.
Richard Herring? Yeah, Richard Herring was one of them, right?
Because his knob, he wanted his racist tattoo removed from his knob.
And he went and won a Chortle Award.
And he won the Chortle Award.
And he didn't get it removed in the end because he had a change of heart and went back to racism.
And he won a Chortle Award.
You read all this in Dr. Dick's surgery?
Yeah.
You've got all the files out.
I've got all the files out when he went.
And I went, but Ering's had one.
And I looked through.
Yeah, one of them was Richard Ering.
It might not have been the comedian Richard Ering, though. We don I looked through. One of them was Rich Dering. Yeah, one of them was Rich Dering. It said Rich Dering, but it might not have been
the comedian Rich Dering, though, we don't know.
No, it said comedian.
Oh, did it, yeah?
Yeah.
He wanted his racist tattoo.
And then he came back to it, and he went,
no, I like it.
Oh, my God, oh, my, that's awful, isn't it?
We shouldn't put that out there, because that's like,
because that's the sort of thing where Chorl might want to go,
I'm telling you what, I'm taking that award off them.
And give it to the next person
who got the next amount of votes.
Yeah, but unfortunately,
the thing is,
you saw that it said Gary Delaney.
Gary Delaney, yeah.
On that sheet.
Yeah, he had to come in
because his was bleeding so much
because he used to put it
in horses' mouths.
Oh my God,
why is it Gary Delaney?
And the horses to chew on it.
Well then Chorl will say,
I'll tell you what,
we don't want to be associated
with that sort of thing.
Yeah, we don't want to.
Take it off and give it the next person, right?
Which, of course, you saw that Alan Partridge had been in there.
And we all know what he does with his one.
Well, apparently, according to the sheet, and this isn't legally binding,
and I'm not saying this happened, it's that all I've heard was on the sheet.
Apparently, Alan Partridge, not Steve Coogan, but the character of Alan Partridge,
went in to see Mr Dick, the consultant,
because on his knob, he had a bloody baby stuck on it.
He went in and went, I've got this growth, and Mr Dick went, that's not growth, that's a blooming baby!
What have you been doing?
He also said that he had seen him and a lot of other comedians
at a specialist thing
that he does
which apparently
called the Courtney Love Clinic
yeah
yeah
they were all like
hand-parted
and no feel
all in there
at the same time
all in there
yeah
right
well then
I think what we're saying
with this entire story
is that we
give us that award then
because Ed just went in
because his accessory wouldn't take his hat off
Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed
by Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble
all music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one
which is performed by Frank Seidlerson
Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production Except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
See you next week.
King's Place coming up.
Exciting.
Yep, still got to keep doing that, keep plugging away at that, let people know about it.
Peacock and Gamble's emergency broadcast.
At King's Place on the 24th of February, also the 24th of March,
and two other dates later in the year.
It'll be available soon to book.
But initially, 24th February, 24th of March,
get a demo booked up.
24th February, ooh, it's fit to burst.
Oh, it is.
Yeah, but there are still a few little tickets available.
Kingsplace.co.uk or 0207 520 1490.
I think that's right.
Yeah, that's the phone number for it.
Yeah.
Bring that up.
And also the first one,
Exclusive Things Gonna Happen,
isn't it, at the end?
Can't wait, mate.
We're going to be showing a little thing, aren't we?
We're going to show our little things off.
Right at the very end of it.
You think the show's over?
No, thank you.
Out me and Ed will come
and show our little things off.
We'll show our little things off
on a big screen.
Yeah, on a massive screen
to make them look bigger.
Yeah, it's a thing that we filmed last year
and it's pretty much ready to show. It'll be a bit like, you a massive screen to make them look bigger. Yeah, it's a thing that we filmed last year and it's pretty much
ready to show.
It'll be a bit like,
you know when they make
Star Wars and that,
when every day
they all go down
George Lucas' cinema
and just watch what they film.
On Durant.
Yeah, it'll be a bit like that.
It'll be a bit like Durant.
You'll be exclusive guests
to the first showing
of essentially
a rough cut of something.
Yeah.
But it's cut
a bit better than rough.
Yeah.
But not enough for,
not good enough for telly but much
better than a rough
cut.
So it's somewhere
in between there so
how about that to
look forward to.
And then a little
feedback session we
have as well.
Not about that,
about the show we
would have just
tried to do.
And try is a big
word.
The emergency
broadcast show,
you're going to be
able to give your
opinions and stuff
on it, have a chat
about it.
And we want your
opinions by the way, not just all what is your favorite color mature grown-up
conversation about it yeah sure every now and again a girl can say can i have a nook
and then yeah we will do it all good then another one will say oh can i have a kiss and i'll go yeah
come on have a right good kiss and then another one because they're getting the confidence up then
and then another one will say oh can I come back your house?
He's like, yeah, of course you can.
Oh, no, do it here.
Oh, can I come backstage with my fit mate?
Yeah, of course.
Both of us, oh, can both of us get on you?
No, but that's still only one each from your head.
All right, I've got five mates.
Oh, bring them all backstage.
Suck on a penis.
Oh, spunk everywhere.
No.
Spunk everywhere.
Kings plays, 24th February. Some tickets still No. Spunk everywhere. Kings plays 24th February.
Some tickets are available.
Spunk everywhere.
Come on,
mate.
I will.