The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 75

Episode Date: July 5, 2020

"Episode 75" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 76 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Oh, hello, and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast, episode 75. 75, it's a lot, isn't it? It is a lot, mate. If we were married, me, Ed Gamble, and you, Ray Peacock. Hello. Hello. Then, 75 years. Let's not rule out. That we ever get married.

Let's not rule that out. Yeah, I can see us doing it. It's a desperate publicity stunt for Edinburgh one year. Do you reckon? Yeah. Should we do it this year? Do you think we need it this year? I think we've got enough publicity for this year, haven't we? What publicity have we got this year?

We'll probably do an interview or something in a minute. You think we'll do an interview? Yeah. I can't wait to do an interview. We'll practice that in a bit. Yeah, we'll probably do an interview in three weeks. Three weeks? Yeah. Shut your mouth.

Yeah, we will. No, they don't want to interview people like us. Surely they want to interview Ardalo Anlan and Mark Lamar. No, you've not been to the Fringe for a few years, have you?

No, why? I don't know. Your references are a little bit behind the times. No, that's alright. No, Mark Lamar hasn't done stand-up for about 12 years. I heard that Mark Lamar

is the hot tip for Edinburgh this year. No, he's not. He's been and gone. He doesn't really do stand-up anymore. I heard he was nailed on for the Perrier Award. Yeah, it's not the Perrier Award anymore. What? It's called the Edinburgh Comedy Award.

Oh, this is a mess. Foster's Edinburgh Comedy Award. Why are we even going there? Why are we even going there? So the only reason you were going to Edinburgh was to win specifically a Perrier. No, not me, was it? And meet Mark Lamar. No, applaud Mark specifically a Perrier and meet Mark Lamar

no applaud Mark Lamar when people's favourite Mark Lamar is rightfully crowned king of Edinburgh yeah for his show

at the Gilded Balloon on Cowgate with his Perrier award from the Gilded Balloon studio yeah that's who I imagine

he would be I think you're going to be very shocked when you get up to Edinburgh mate do you think it's all changed what has happened

you get off to train now right right you get on a conveyor belt that takes you right to your venue wow yeah and a lot of the shows a lot of the audience is just gas yeah just gas and robot all right with one robot audience you think there's this thing called audience atron right right and you can pay for that and it gets shipped in okay oh let's get that then let's get that and what's also changed as well all that futuristic stuff what's also changed is about double the amount of shows and it's literally pointless going oh right okay i'm pretty sure i said words to that

effect in january yeah you did yeah yeah too late then let's um let's concentrate on this that is still within our control episode Episode 75, eh? Yeah. So you were saying if we were married? If we were married, there's a special present, isn't there, for every year when you're married? Yeah, for example, silver is for 25 years. Yeah. So what are we, triple silver?

No, coffins. That's what you get people who've been married 75 years. Oh, I see, right. Matching coffins, right, with holes in different sides so they can hold the hand of the other person that's like like a senior glory hole yeah not so much

for the knobs at that age but you might just want to just comfort yeah touch yeah

touch Dorothy's arm yeah that'd be nice I think wouldn't it Bill would touch Dorothy's arm wouldn't he Bill dies

they go okay Bill just pop your hand out of here just as he dies put him in the coffin right yeah

then Dorothy dies yeah she might choose to just get in the out here, just as he dies, put him in the coffin, right? Then Dorothy dies. She might choose to just get in the coffin and just wait. I feel a bit like that sometimes. She sticks her arm through, she can hold Bill's hand, and then they're buried holding hands. And that is then love for eternity. What a lovely way to start the show. Or there's a different one you can do for saucy old people,

which is a 69 coffin. Welcome to the show. I think I'm going to become a slightly less considerate man. Are you? Because you know what? I'm actually, I thought about this, I can be quite abrasive sometimes. Yeah. But only when pushed.

Yeah. For example, at our gig the other night in Enfield. Yeah. We did the... It wasn't a gig, was it? It wasn't a gig. No. It wasn't a gig by any stretch of the imagination. And only 30%

of that was our fault. Yeah, well, I definitely contributed to it, but only after the damage had been done. Yeah. We got there and they said, oh yeah, we decided that if we sold less than 30 tickets, we were going to move it to the bar. Yeah, so they'd moved it to the bar. Right, and then I said, how many tickets did you sell? They went, 40. So I don't really understand how that works.

Yeah. But they moved it to the bar, well, we couldn't do our show. No went 40. So I don't really understand how that works. But the middle of the bar where we couldn't do our show. No, because there was just sunlight pouring in. Yeah, there's a bit where we need blackouts in our show. And it's a theatre show, really.

Yeah. So just ideally just not in the daytime. Just don't do it. Just don't do it in there. Not in a greenhouse, mate. Very much not a greenhouse sort of show.

Yeah. Yeah, so we decided to just do like, we originally decided to do half an hour standard pitch. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen after that. Which every half an hour in waiting, so we decided to just do like, we originally decided to do half an hour standard pitch. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen after that.

Which every half an hour in waiting, because we didn't have to do any sound check or anything like that or a tech run because we weren't doing our show.

As we were there for two hours, it just came down and down and down to the point where I said, I'll just go on and just do a little bit and bring you on in.

Which is ultimately what happened. Yeah, and then we went and got the hell out of there. I just went on there, charmed my way through a little bit. Very charming, mate. Very charming. I think it's the audience.

I'll go on and try and make anyone laugh. I was trying at first. Yeah, but it threw me. The make-up of the audience was quite weird for a stand-up. Very, very weird. So there was an ex-policeman, big ex-policeman, with some friends and family. Who I didn't find objectionable.

I liked them as a group. Yeah, they were fine. They were fine. They were laughing. Over the other side, there was some quite young, like a young couple. And the front row... Who wouldn't look at the stage.

No, they were eating their dinner, weren't they? Yeah, but the boy wasn't, and he wouldn't look. No, they wouldn't look at the stage. And then in the front row was primarily made up of Afro-Caribbean grandmas over the age of 65. Yeah, ladies, yeah. Which just threw me, because that's... Quite odd.

Yeah, and they did not enjoy it. Oh, no, it wasn't... Please don't think this is because they were Afro-Caribbean, or even their age, for that matter. No, I'm just painting you a picture. We just couldn't work out, when they were interacting, which they did a little bit, why they were there. Why they were there.

I mean, one of the ladies, of course course wasn't there by the time I got on so I didn't have a chance to work out whether she would like me yeah she stopped off didn't she yeah because someone was

being a potty mouth sailor well I may have mentioned the word fuck earlier on you didn't say it you just mentioned it I know I first of all said it

you know the word fuck no I said it and then I caught her and I'm not saying that I'm just mentioning it well then I saw her and she was giving me proper nasty eyes. Yeah, she was.

About it. Yeah, in a bucket. Yeah, and then I said, what, is it the word fuck? And then she nodded. Yeah. Nodded very serenely. Yeah. And then accused me of having limited vocabulary.

Which is such a horrifically boring thing to say. Well, it is also because it implies that you're not allowed to choose other words. Yeah, exactly, yeah. It implies that I've not chosen those words. Yeah, you've got a limited vocabulary. She's actually trying to limit your vocabulary by banning certain words. Yeah, nice one, mate.

I wish I had thought on that on the night. No, what you did do is when she, well, she left. We'll get to that bit in a second. But after she'd gone, you ended up saying joie de vivre and then went, oh, get her back! Yeah, I remember that. I remember that bit in a second. But after she'd gone, you ended up saying joie de vivre and then went, oh, get her back! Yeah, I remember that.

I remember that. It was lovely. But it was. It was badly set up. Very, very badly set up. Yeah, so you said it's the word fuck. She nodded. So, of course, as we would all have done, you said the word fuck over and over again. Then pointed at her back in the corner and went, all right, it's big cunt! Hello, big cunt!

Big cunt was when she went. Yeah, big cunt was when she went yeah and she gave you a proper sassy hand gesture when she was on her way out I didn't see that yeah dismissive

sassy hand gesture wow she looked pissed off I would have enjoyed that but the thing is when I went on and because none

of her friends moved none of her friends even watched her leave they just stayed yeah and when I went on I spoke to one of the other ladies

and I went you didn't even bat an eyelid when she left does she do this quite a lot and she just went, oh yes. Yeah. She must have been

minted. Yeah. To just keep going out and buying tickets. I mean, she left very early. Yeah. Like, maybe two minutes. Yeah. And I thought, I'll have a bit of a battle with this lady. I went, when was the last one she did? And the one went, this one tonight. Yeah. Oh yeah, well forget that. Forget it. But the weird thing was, the lady who then moved up

to her seat, she then started scowling at me to the point where I thought it was the seat. Yeah. But anyway, look, it wasn't our fault. I mean, I could have probably dealt with the situation better, but I didn't want to. Yeah.

They'd not provided me with a working environment that we'd agreed with. Yeah. It was basically, as I think I've said on the stage, it was like somebody who works in an office, turning up for work, somebody who has to input things on a computer,

and the boss saying, no, today you're going to be doing your work somebody has to input things on a computer and the boss saying no today you're going to be doing your work in the garden and typing on a trifle but we still expect the work to be the same we could probably put

a picture of the room on our website well I've started my blog my Edinburgh blog now so I'll pop it on there so I'm going to actually write about that gig I mean at the moment

we're trying to be a bit funny about it but I'd quite like to go on the're trying to be a bit funny about it. Yeah. But I'd quite like to go on the internet and let off a bit of steam. So I've been doing that on my Edinburgh blog, which is on the peacockandcumble.com. Yeah, so I'm looking forward to that. Yeah, but don't think it's going to be all funny, funny, funny, because it's not.

It's not. If you've ever read his blogs in the past, bloody hell, get a tissue ready. Yeah, get yourself ready for this, mate. Get a tissue ready to wipe with a coffee that you've just spat all over the screen. Yeah, like Billy John Updike or something, but tinged with a bit of Jim Davidson. But anyway, that's the point. I felt it on stage that night, that I've had enough now. I'm not going to be agreeable anymore. Because I think people are rude, and I'm just going to join them.

It's like the cinema. I don't know why I sit in the cinema being quiet and getting annoyed at people who aren't, or getting annoyed at people on their phones. As long as I've known you, you've never quietly been annoyed about that. So don't start saying, oh, I think I'm going to start speaking out, like you're suddenly an empowered woman.

No, not speaking out. Not speaking out. Literally, I'm going to leave my phone on in the cinema now. Oh, right, okay. As well. Oh, no, I know I will shout at them in the cinema. Oh, yeah, shout at your fucking retards. Yeah.

That sort of thing. That sort of business. Yeah, yeah, yeah in the cinema. Oh yeah, shout at your fucking retard. That sort of thing. That sort of business. Fucking idiot. Yeah, you're into that. Although interestingly, the other week I went to the cinema

and I was so bored with the film, which was insidious, that I was being objectionable. Yeah, it was. I didn't like it,

I just thought it was really quite, I found it quite cynical as a film. But whenever scenes were offending me at that point, I would just start

shouting, cut. And I was in it really quite loud. Just going, cut. Was it going down well? Not really.

Talking to people just literally caring about themselves and nobody else. Yeah. It was crystallised for me on the day of the last King's Place show we did

where I'd gone down in the afternoon because we're there all day and we'd been rehearsing in the daytime and I went out to the toilet in the afternoon which I always enjoy

at King's Place. like yeah it's a nice toilet such nice toilets you know when i don't enjoy it when i go in after you've been in for your plop why i don't do it because i always accidentally pick the same cubicle because i think we've got similar minds how do you know it's my one i can tell it's your one how can you tell it's mine i know what you're dropping smell like you know what i i rarely rarely do a poo at king's place you mate usually i do we get there and you go well i'll go do a poo at King's Place. Mate, you do a poo every day at King's Place. Do you know what I do? We get there and you go, well, I'll go for a poo in a minute.

No, no, no. This is where you're right. Guess what? I say I'm going for a poo. Do you know why I say I'm going for a poo? Why? Because they always do a sit down wee at King's Place. Do you? Yeah, because it's such a nice toilet. Yeah. But I like going in there and just have a little sit down and just do a sit down wee like a little bit. Well, your piss stinks, mate.

Yeah, right. Well, that's fine. But the last time I was in there so I went in there the day we were rehearsing and then the performance of the night and I went in there

and I'd done my business washed my hands because I'm a lovely boy like that yeah you are a nice boy and I went to the Dyson Airblade which they have

oh lovely yeah and there was a man at the urinals doing away on his phone just chatting away blah blah blah put my hands in

the Dyson Airblade I mean they're very fast Dyson Airbags they're amazing and I heard and I stopped doing it and I'm like no listen

listen and I took my hands out and he went excuse me and I went yeah and he went I'm on the phone right

and I genuinely couldn't believe it I was like wow Desmond thinks it's his toilet it's like it's his toilet at home. And I've just come in to dry my hands. I was really cross.

So I did it. I mean, I did my hands around a lot longer. Yeah, it was proper dried up. Oh, miles longer. Little crisps. Miles longer. But I thought that kind of epitomised it for me. So that's how I'm going to be from now onwards.

So I'm stopping this section now. No, I've got something else. No, no, mate. I've got something else. Mate, my computer. That is genuinely unbelievable that that man would say that, though. No, no, but I told you when I came back.

Yeah, it was shocking. When I came back from the rehearsal room. It was really shocking. Yeah, really amazing. Can you keep that down? I'm on the phone. Excuse me, can you not be hygienic

in my area very loudly, please? I'm going to say, you've got your cock out, mate. You can'm going to say, you've got your cock out, mate. You can't tell someone off when you've got your cock out. You've got a phone in one hand and your cock in the other. Yeah, exactly. And yet you're giving me shit. Excuse me, I'm trying to do some admin while my penis is out of my jeans.

I love having my penis out. Yeah, I know. I like to get my penis out to have a wee, but I can do it when someone's drying their hands. When I was younger, by the way, I always envisaged that when I was an adult with my own place, that I would spend a lot of time in the nude. I don't like doing that. No, I'm not a naturist or anything like that.

Naturalist. What is it? Naturist. Naturist, naturalist. I think they both work. Naturalist, I think, is something different. Yeah, I think I am that as well. No, I think I'm not that as well.

But yeah, it's not something that I want. I don't want to parade around in the nude. I think I always thought... Well, no, you like a little parade around. I like to show myself off

a little bit. Well, let's... I mean, just as a quick example, you went in the other room just before we started recording. Went to the bedroom, yeah. Went into the bedroom

and said, oh, I've took my shoes off. Come and have a look at me with my shoes off. It is imaginative, isn't it? I just looked around the corner and said, I've took my shoes off, come and have a look at me with my shoes off. It is imaginative, isn't it? I just looked around the corner and your bum was out. Your trousers were down, your bum was out. And then I thought, I'm not going to look at this.

And then you went, oh, look, I've dropped this. And you were just bending over. What could you see? Could you see my balls and my penis? I couldn't see the hangy balls, no. I could see just your arse. Yeah. And it's just,

it's not an ideal working environment. What annoys me about you... Right, this always gets round to it. What annoys me about you, right, is that... It's a really nice bum. Even though I feel at ease enough to show off my private parts with you around,

which, by the way, I don't do lightly. No. I'm not the sort of person who would get my penis out on stage, for example, like some comedians might do. Right. Or my balls or anything like that. You know no i'm not the sort of person who would get my penis out on stage for example like some comedians might do right balls or anything like that you know i'm not supposed to just get some out or when i'm drunk yeah i'm not that person at all yeah i like to keep it all hidden away thank you very much in your trousers yeah not least of all because it's nothing to look

at it's nothing you know nothing to show off about at all but the fact that we've got to a point in our relationship where I'm quite happy to just show you a little bit of myself, literally a little bit of it, and take my trousers off for you, in front of you,

and you, you won't even look. I did look, mate, because I wouldn't have known otherwise. I know you've seen them before, but I'm saying, when I come stand next to you,

with my penis out, you shouldn't be looking away. You know what? If I'd asked to see any of it... That'd just be weird, mate. Then that'd be fine. No, that'd be weird.

But at that moment in time... What, you're saying we're gay? That moment in time, I wasn't up for looking at your bum. Right. Well, I was up for showing it to you. Yeah, well, then we're going to have some sort of compromise. No, because we're at an impasse. And in that situation...

No, that's fine. What you do in that situation is you go, right, who's contributing the most let's do what they want to do right and you were just sat there on your foot whilst I was there

with mine out right I had gone to the trouble you were contributing the most to the situation I had gone to the trouble of taking my trousers all the way down

yeah being bare my penis was out on the other side yeah no I guess I guess it would be. Completely out. It wasn't sitting in a box

under the bed. So imagine that. So I'm vulnerable. This is the way we'll do it. I'm already vulnerable. Every day we're together, you will have a five minute window of time

where I know and you know that there is the potential that you could get your balls, dick or barse out. Right. Right.

And if you want to do it, that's fine and then I'll be ready for it. Fine well that's that bit of Edinburgh sorted out. From now on so

10.50 to 10.55pm in August you can get your arse testicles or penis out. But that's the beginning of our show.

Yeah. Well sorry mate I just picked it at random. Well I'm fine then I'll make a much longer film for the beginning

of the show. Yeah. And then backstage anyone coming to our show eventually broadcast will know that even though we've not come onto the stage yet at the very point where you're watching the intro film I have got my penis and balls out and Ed has got to look at them right so you know that's happening I will have a look at them fine

I will agree to that and also 10 50 to 55 in the morning as well no no if I choose to do that if I'm up no you're gonna be a sleepy no I get up quite early mate what are you gonna do probably have a bit of a snooze in the afternoon if I can go for a, if I'm up. No, you're going to be a sleepy. No, I get up quite early, mate. What are you going to do? Probably have a bit of a snooze in the afternoon if I can. Go for a jog. A little jog around. Have your oats. Yeah, I'm going to live on oats in Edinburgh, mate. Yeah, chuck them around.

Yeah, I'm going to actually have a load of oats, right? I'm going to have a load of oats. I'm just going to get, at the beginning of Edinburgh, I'm going to get a big bag of oats. Yeah. Right? And I'm basically going to, that's what I'm going to live on. Right. And no matter.

Nothing else. You're not going to have anything else. Now, what I'm going to get as well is I'm going to get some chicken. It's very spicy chicken. I'm just going to let that go off in live on. Right. And no matter. Nothing else. You don't get anything else. Nothing else. What I'm going to get as well is I'm going to get some chicken. It's very spicy chicken. I'm just going to let that go off in the fridge for the whole of Edinburgh. Yeah. By the way,

this all sounds a bit inaccessible at the moment, but this is what somebody that I once lived in Edinburgh with did. That's why we're making this joke about it. Yeah. So I'm going to get a big bag of oats. Yeah.

And a bowl. Yeah. And I'm basically going to, I'm going to eat oats around the house okay in the bath there will be oats in the bath

at some point there will definitely be oats one day you will walk into the bathroom and you will find oats in the bath just like I did

that time it was literally like he bought that bag of oats and the first time I'd gone out he'd literally run around swinging it

about his head but yeah I think oats is a good thing to live on in Edinburgh and then 10.50 in the morning, I'll pop through to your bedroom, which I'm allowed in.

Well, you're allowed in it if you knock. Yeah, all right. I will knock and then run my balls out. And my penis. And your penis out as well. A bit tricky to just have your balls out, isn't it? Mine are detachable, mate. I've got the old detachable balls.

Where did you get them? Bowling shop. Crown green bowling, I mean. Yeah, old people. Death bowls. Yeah, old people. Death bowls. Yeah, death bowls. And basically they have a thing called the jack, which is a little white ball.

Yeah, you make that, don't you? They throw that down the pitch. Yeah. And later on, then they've got to get the big black balls and get them near the little jack. So basically, I bought myself a couple of little jacks.

Yeah. I looked at the big black balls and then thought, no, they're probably not for me. And I got the little jack and I've got two of those. Two of those. On a bit of little jacks. Yeah. I looked at the big black balls and then thought, no, they're probably not for me. And I got the little jack and I've got two of those. Two of those.

On a bit of straighter. Jacks. Yeah. Hung around my penis. I mean, I've got my real balls underneath,

but I always think of as my jacks, as my real balls. Your jacks, yeah. Pleasant's Dime, 10.50. Pleasant's Dime, 10.50.

See you there. Yep. A lot of you will have fast forwarded through the podcast already just to get ready for this section now coming up What's this one now mate? Which is my great one that I always do Here's the jingle for it Rhythm is gonna get you Rhythm is gonna get you

Rhythm is gonna get you Yes, it's time for Ray says the ingredients for our food. And you've got to decide which, when he does that, he'll put one in that it doesn't belong there. And you've got to decide then, which one is the one

that doesn't belong there for the food. Or it might be a drink one week. Have we got lots of people entering this at the moment, man? And when I say it, then you've got to... How many people enter each week? When I say the thing, you've got to enter then. I mean, I've seen one

for the first one and then none for the rest of them. If you want the sections going, you've got to enter this. You've got to say which one you think it is. Petrol. It's petrol. So, this week,

the food or drink is cup of tea. Right. Cup of tea. Now, what's the rogue ingredient for a cup of tea? It of tea now what's the rogue ingredient right for a cup of tea petrol isn't it please don't think like for example you might take tea without sugar so don't say oh sugar is the rogue ingredient because that's just for you um but there might be like generally speaking right a cup of tea is um tea water milk and sugar right so right here are the

ingredients giving away all the actual ingredients here are the ingredients. He's given away all the actual ingredients already. Here are the ingredients of a cup of tea. Petrol would be the rogue one. Right. Tea bag, petrol, water, sugar, milk and petrol. So if you could decide... Are there not two rogue ingredients in that one? If I repeated any of the ingredients and just...

Yeah. It only counts as ones. This is never happening again. If you could decide which one of those is going to be the one that is the rogue ingredient.

This has been the most ridiculous 15 minutes of my life. Please enter... Please enter the competition. You made us stop recording the podcast. We've got to get through it.

It's best to just crack through it. Oh, I've got to save it at some point. Yeah, you made us stop doing it so we could play a game of Muppet Top Trump. Yeah, but I was saving it. Which are the most arbitrary games of Top Trumps I've ever seen. I can see why they do it with cars,

because fastest car wins. Not someone's decided who the funniest Muppet is or who's rated mayhem by points. Incidentally, I am... 50 mayhem? What does that mean? I won about the first 10 or 15 ghosts. Yeah, you did. I was running riot. Yeah. Then he clawed it back a little bit, but then I won it comfortably. Oh, how much mayhem would you say this character has? Oh, 50. 50 mayhem. Yeah, that's Animal. Animal's got 50 mayhem. But what is 50 mayhem?

Because he's off his head and he mayhem. Is it scientifically calculated? No. You see, a thing per episode he smashes up, so that's a point. Oh, I'm sorry everybody who likes Top Trumps, but you can only have Top Trumps about boring things now, because Ed has decided it's got to be scientifically accurate. Well, I think there should be some sort of, it can't be opinion. Oh, no more Harry Potter. So humour.

No more Harry Potter Top Trumps. No, that's arbitrary. Oh, no more superhero Top Trumps, not for you. No, you can have, from now on, you can have Top Trumps cutlery. Yeah, but all I'm saying is it needs to have some basis in fact. That has got some basis in fact. What, humour? Someone's gone, oh, Dave made me laugh more. Who are the funnier characters on the Muppets?

Humour, yeah, but humour is completely subjective, isn't it? Yeah, but generally speaking on the Muppets, youour. Yeah, but humour is completely subjective, isn't it? Yeah, but generally speaking in the Muppets, you would argue that, for example, Fozzie is a funnier character than Janice. No, you would,

because he's your favourite character. He plays the guitar in the band. Right. So Fozzie is funnier. Glamour. Well, same argument back. You would say that Janice has a higher glamour

than Fozzie. No, I wouldn't. Yeah, you would. No, I wouldn't. Oh, so you'd rather have sex with a bear? I think glamour has nothing to do with how much you want to have sex with someone.

Oh, yeah. Well, Fozzie's very glamorous, isn't he? With his little pork pie out of his neckerchief. Oh, how glamorous is that? I consider that to be glamour. Right. Well, then you're weird. And you wouldn't win at any Top Trumps.

I would. No Top Trumps would make you happy. Because you'd be going, oh, this car shouldn't be that car. Because I don't like the shape of the grill. No, but that's what you're saying with that. Because I am weird. You're saying this Muppet shouldn't be that car because I don't like the shape of the grill. No, but that's what you're saying with that. Because I am weird. You're saying this Muppet shouldn't be that Muppet because I don't find them funny. I am a weirdo. I'm saying

that the car one is better because you go, well, this one has a higher top speed. I am Ed Gumbel. I am a weirdo. Right, I'm going to draw on you. Right, get off me now. I'm going to draw on you. I am Ed Gumbel. I am a weirdo. Ooh. Good luck finding someone else to play Top Trumps with. Oh, Top Trumps.

I could play it with myself. Yeah. Easy. Always try to win. And then you'd always win, so there'd be no tantrums. No. Well, that's what happens sometimes when you are rubbish at darts on the iPad. And I will just take it off you, and I will just play both of us.

I'll play me, Ray Peacock with a lovely photo of me. I think this says more about you than it does about me. With a lovely photo of me and Ed Gamble with a lovely photo of you. Yeah, just me. Definitely me it is. It's not a photo of Harvey. Yeah. Jordan and his sons, so don't worry about that.

But I will just do my best in every shot and then just see who wins. Yeah, I know, it's pathetic. Nothing wrong with that at all. Nothing wrong with that. It's a killer bit of time. Well, the answer's petrol, so write in. The answer's petrol. You're a horrible, horrible, weird boy.

No, right in. The answer's petrol. You're a horrible, horrible, weird boy. This has been the worst podcast so far. No, it's not. It's been a really funny one. It has been the worst one so far because I'm not... Do you know what? I'm not even going to rise to it.

Rise to what? I'm not even going to show you that I'm upset. I'm not even going to show you. What? I'm going to be the big man here now. I'm going to be the bigger man, now. I'm going to be the bigger man which is weird because you are the biggest one of you, the fat.

No. I'm not going to show you that you're affecting me. Why are you so upset? Because that's what you, that is how you do it. That is how you do your abuse. Why are you so upset? Because I try and bring a little bit of fun No, you're wasting time. I try and bring a little bit of fun into our life. wasting time. I try and bring a little bit of fun

into our life and then go play Top Trumps. Yeah, another Muppets thing. Do my section and there was a joke in my section about Petra and you just keep slagging it off. You just spend all your time slagging me off for being

me. That is what you do. I don't. You look at me and you think, how can I make it? How can I make it less fun? How can I make him not confident about himself? How can I destroy him and bring him down

so that he needs me? That is what you do. That is why you say things like, sometimes we're in the house and you're going, don't go outside. no girl will find you attractive now stay at home and kiss me and i've never said i know do do that and i enjoy it but i don't know why you feel the need that you've got to keep subjugating me in such an horrible way oh subjugate go get that woman off that gig tell her i just used the word subjugate you're a dreadful individual and you criticise me constantly. No, I don't.

You criticise me constantly. You metaphorically come to the party and you criticise me for being a nice boy at the party. You'd never be at a party. I'm kind and friendly. You'd never be at a party. And I'd entertain everyone else and you criticise me even though you are just stood in the corner with your little glass of gin and you're sneering I don't like everybody

I don't like it all ray is fun so I don't like that I want to talk about the nicknames you've been calling me mate I want to know all of that

this is another thing that I you know something I bring into our everyday bit of life yeah no I'd hate it a little bit of sunshine it's not sunshine

well they're not nicknames first of all they're pet names are they yes so I'm your pet am I no you know what I mean affectionate together right babes call you babes I just think A little bit of sunshine into... It's not sunshine. Well, they're not nicknames, first of all. They're pet names. Are they? Yes. So I'm your pet, am I? No, you know what I mean. Affectionate.

Together. Right. Babes. Call you Babes. I just think, yeah, Babes is one of them. I just think we should settle on one because I don't know where I am most of the time. Babes is fine then. Babes.

Babes. Are we going to settle on Babes? Because for a while you went through a period of calling me Chucky Egg. Yeah, Chucky Egg. But I don't know where... Chucky Egg. What is Chucky Egg? Affectionate.

Pet name. Why Chucky Egg? Just sounds nice, doesn't it? Does it? Yeah. Hello, Chucky Egg. Hi, Chucky Egg. Chuckie Egg? Faction name. Why Chuckie Egg? Just sounds nice, doesn't it? Does it? Yeah. Hello, Chuckie Egg. Hi, Chuckie Egg. How are you doing, Chuckie Egg?

Right, so Chuckie Egg or Babes, first of all. We'll do it. Hey, so there's no need to be upset. We'll do it like Top Trumps. All right, then. Chuckie Egg v Babes. All right, then. Oh, I'm going to go with...

Honestly, I say Babes quite a lot. Yeah. But I like Chuckie Egg as well. Yeah. I think they're both 10, so I'll keep them both. No, we're only having one, so Chuckie Egg. Chuckie Egg as well yeah I think they're both ten so keep them both no we're only having one so Chuckie Egg

Chuckie Egg and Babes they're both ten Babes and Babes so put them put those two cards together and put them in the middle

right they're both ten Baby Cakes right there's quite a lot from the song it's quite nice because it fits in

the song versus what well the one you came up with today you texted me today what's that Sucker Lump Sucker Lump

yeah I'm not sure what sucker lump is. I was asleep when I said that. No you weren't. I literally just woke up to text you.

So you've woken up. Yeah, but I was asleep. So you weren't asleep. I was asleep. No you weren't, yeah. Alright, fine. You win the sucker lump card. Yeah, you have won

that card, fine. What is sucker lump? Sucker lump. What do you mean sucker lump? Like a horse having a lump of sugar. You texted me back saying I'm not sure

about sucker lump. Yeah, I'm not sure about sucker lump. And then I texted you back. Just get it in your mouth. Just get it sucked. Just get it sucked. Yeah.

Just get it sucked your bard get. Yeah, because suck a lump sounds like heffa lump to me. Oh, I see. No, it's not that. And heffa lumps like big elephants, aren't they? Yeah, it's not that. It's more like a little boy. Not a little boy, but you know, like you.

Like a little pudding. A little pudding? Just. Did you just call me a little pudding? Yeah, like a little pudding that A little pudding? Did you just call me a little pudding? Yeah, like a little pudding that just clamps its mouth on your genitals. What the hell? And sucks the lump.

That's so weird. That's like some sort of horrible dystopian future film. No, actually... Oh, there's my sucker lump. I'll keep him in the cupboard. Some weird bit of dough with eyes pushed in. Right, well, you know, listen, right? This is a good thing, sucker lump, right? Because you think, not only is it an affectionate pet name, but it's also eyes pushed in. Right, well you know, listen right, this is a good thing, suck a lump right, because you're

thinking, not only is it an effect on your pet name, but it's also a medical procedure. Right. Yeah, so you could also be employed by a booper hospital. Yeah, draining people's lumps. Yeah, basically, anyone has a goiter on them or anything like that. So I'm like a limpet sort of thing. They put a little pinprick in it and then you put your mouth around it and tickle the juice out.

So I'm like a limpet with a really round mouth and teeth. Yes, yeah you are. Suck a lump. Yeah, ten, that's a keeper. Right. Ten. round mouth and teeth. Yes, yeah you are. Sucker Lump. Yeah, ten, that's a keeper. Ten. Any other ones? No, that's basically it. Sucker Lump.

I think I've called you Chumper Lump. Chumper Lump, I'm sure you have, mate. Chumper Lump, that's ten. Chumper Lump's actually the name they used to call the really big fans of Chumper Womba. Is it really?

Yeah, I like the idea of it a bit less. That's ten, keep that. Chumper Lump. So we're keeping all of these, aren't we? Honey Bunny. Honey Bunny, yeah,

that's a bit more standard. All the traditional ones. I think the one that's upset me most is sucker lump. Really? Yeah, because you've thought about it. It's a really weird thought you've had about it, that I am like a pudding who you can clamp around your genitals. Like I'm some sort of weird gelatinous sex slave.

And what's your argument against that? Well, I don't want... Well, you haven't got one. You haven't got one because you are. I don't want to be a brainless paste that you stick on your crotch whenever you want satisfaction. People often don't want to be what they are. Well then in that case, try and

better yourself, but for the time being you're a suckalump. Now come on, get on that crotch. That's it, get all the juice out. See you next week. Get all the juice out. The Cooking Game Podcast was next week get all the juice Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and

performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble all music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one which is

performed by Frank Sidewit Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by www.chortle.co.uk

see you next week