The Problem With Jon Stewart - Sneak Peek: The Problem With My Staff

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

The content-stuffed first episode of the podcast drops September 30, so here’s Jon getting mercilessly bullied by his own staff to hold you over.https://apple.co/-JonStewart

Welcome to the podcast. I thought I was excited about doing it until we taped this segment that frankly, wounding, hurtful, bullying, but still quite funny. I need you to explain to me how podcasts work. It goes right in your ears. Oh. Just right directly into your ears

with like a big fucking fire hose. All right, I'll start. Hello, I'm Henrik Blix. Yes. In some case, I'm Wilson. We're both writers on the show. Let me ask you a question. Why are we here?

OK, the writers were tasked with writing a joke about how John looks. It was basically just to... No, no, no, you can look off the paper. You look at me. Tell me what this animal was. It was a bit... OK.

We were intro-ing the top of the show. You had been gone for some time. You had been gone for some time. If you didn't know this. And not everybody's seen your face in a little while. And there was just a thought that we should clarify for the audience. A little bit of times past.

There was a John Stuart of before. And we need to bring the audience up to speed. You're getting a new stew. On my first day when we were in the studio and we were looking and I had, you know, when you're not on television, you're just existing. And I hadn't seen myself framed in that way before. And I looked into the monitor and I immediately went,

we have to address this. Can we get the guys to write just as shit-loaded jokes about how fucking old I look now? We went way overboard. We kept writing this. We kept writing more and we have well over 200. You sort of were like, hey, I'd like pancakes. And we were like, how about we waterboard you with batter?

We still write them. This is the zip-zap-zap of the writer's room. This is our vocal warm-up. It's our vocal warm-up. These are our scales. So this is going to be one fun last thing for K and I before we're fired. Absolutely.

I'm going to read a couple, but then I want you to read them. I'm looking deep into my macular, degenerated eyes. Oh, wow. OK, OK. What do I look like? I look like the Doseki's guy on Dialysis. I look like the last guy who smoked indoors in New York City.

Can I tell you something? I was the last guy who smoked indoors in New York City. We used to go to this bar at the corner of Beestrow. My wife and I back when we both ate meat and smoked. And we'd just sit in this tiny place and eat meat and smoke. It was the idea was to get as many carcinogens as we possibly could in the hopes that the cancer would get confused. Like, what's this guy doing?

We have too many to choose from. Oh, what? If he walks out and gets UV ray, you know what? Everybody out. It must be a trap. It's a trap. I look like a retired California raisin. That's rough.

I look like an old grandfather clock come to life. The come to life joke is always going to be. We've got four more of them. Keep going. You know what I look like? Dave Chappelle's lawyer. That's more of a Jew joke than an old joke, no? Do you guys want to read me a couple?

Sure. All right. You got a couple of heaters? I'm going to go. Throw me a couple of heaters that you like. John, you look like what Gene Hackman's voice would look like. John looks like Bon Jovi's dad. I got to say, that's a good one.

And he and I are the same age. Wow. Clearly, we use different creams. He's older than me. Is he? Just Google it in this moment. How's he looking? He looks great.

And I'm not just saying that because I'm his father. You look like a Fig Newton fanatic. You look like you're obsessed with killing a whale. I look like a Kebler elf exposed to radiation. You look like if Miller Highlight was a person. You look like the sound of a house settling. I look like a centrum silver spokesperson. You look like you put a bid on Larry King's suspender collection.

You look like someone buried Sam Elliott in the pet cemetery. I'm out. I'm out. I'm not coming back from that. I'm never coming back from that. Join us next week on The Pod where we give John a swirly for 45 minutes. All right, dudes, check out episodes of the podcast, which will launch September 30th.

Providence Stuart podcast is an Apple TV plus podcast and a joint busboy production.