The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - BONUS: Monkey News (Compilation)

Episode Date: December 11, 2022

Twitter -Ricky GervaisStephen MerchantKarl Pilkington

Tells about this monkey Carl. You're going to love this one Steve, right? Uh, yeah, so last week we're talking about how, like a lad left his family because there's problems at home and that, he went and lived in the wood, he got airy. Right, right? So, that's what happened. He lived with the monkeys, he went airy. That's what happened. looked into some other stuff about like airy kids and all that. Ha ha!

Came across this story about a bloke who worked in a zoo. Oh dear. Right? So, uh... Trouble's brewing. Loving his job in that, but it's quite a lonely sort of job because you don't see many people you're just dealing with animals all the time, right? So anyway, he gets a bit pally with a monkey because it's the closest thing to a human. Well that he piss. Yeah but you can't really go that

close to apes. What are you mean? What type was it? Do you mean the chimp? Was it a chimpanzee? I reckon it was a chimp? Yeah yeah but it doesn't matter does it? So he gets a pally. So he gets pally with him? What do they. What is is is is is is is type. tip. tie. tie. the type. tip. th. tip. th. th. What is th. What is tip. What is th. What tip. What tip? What tip? What tip? What tip? What tip? What tip? What tip? What that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. What th. What th. What the the tip? tip? tip? tip? tip? tip? tip? tipe? tipe? tipe? tip? that that that that that the? that that day together? Well no, I mean it starts off just checking each other out and you know probably sharing lunch and that together. Yeah, right? Anyway, this goes on for a while is you know, they're getting on well on that. And then after a while, right, the monkey starts sort of imitating him a bit more and sort of walking upright. Oh God. Right. So he thinks, he thinks he could, he could live at that thoom thoom thoom thoom thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin thin thin their thoing their their thi thi their their their to to to their their their their their their thin thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin' thin' thin' thin' thin, thin, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thoo-a. the. tho. thinks, oh that's a bit weird. Anyway, they get on really better and what have you. So he thinks he could live at home with me this, because we're getting on the storm, right? So he texts him home and before you know... Is this the beginning of Beneath the Planet of the A? I think it is. I think you've seen this on video. I'm worried because he's already imitating you when they're they they ha ha ha ha. Oh, brilliant. So anyway, so it's moving in and it's getting used to sort of the normal human life.

It's having a cup of tea in the morning. Yeah, piggy tips. As a, uh, it finishes the day off with a, with a, uh, finishes the day off with with a little brandy. Oh dear. He finishes the day off with a little little the day the day the day the day the day the day the tale off with what? It does now move a piano at one point. He finishes the tel with a little brandy. He pours him so on, is he wearing a smoking jacket?

I'll tell you what, Carl, you're a maniac. Listen, no, this is why it attracted me, it's amazing, right? So he's having his brandy and that, loving his life. Next thing, you know, he sort, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's sort, he's sort, he's sort, he's sort. He's sort, he's sort, he's, he's, he's sort. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's pours. He's pours. He. He, he pour. He, he pour. He, he, he pour. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's th. He's th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th he loses it or he gets shaved but the top half of his body is hairless. Apart from his head. Right? So it's the opposite of the kid. Yeah, well that would happen. Well hang on, but so you don't know if you're shaved or if it's how did it say? Then the hair list, what? I'll bring it in for you the story and then you can see if I've got him wrong. So anyway, so, so, so, so, so, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how their their their their, how, how their, how their, how their, how their, how their, how their, how their, how their, how, how their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is their, is, is, is, is, is, is their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is their is, is hair is, is is hair is hair is hair, is hair. How is, is their. How, is, is, is their. How, is, is their. How, is their, is their, is their, is a their, is a their, is a their. How their. How is their. How, their. How, their. How, their. How is their. How, their. How is their. How is their, is their, is their, is ha, is the story and then you can say if I've gone wrong. So anyway, so this is going on and he's having a great life, then the zookeeper starts getting a bit annoyed because he's having a better life than the zoo keeper, the zoo keepers in the zoo. This is such rubbish.

So the zookeeper is still got to do a day's work. The monkeys at home. Well he says there's no point you're coming you you you're coming you're coming you're coming you're coming the the the the their. the their. their. their their their their their their their their thi. thi. T. T. T. thi. thi. thi. thi's to thi. thi. thi's thi. thiupoooomomathea thiupease thiupease thiupease thiupupease thiup. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thi thi been there was because you're being kept there. Right. And he didn't want to bring the memories back, so he said you stay at home. So you are talking such- Just let him finish! God, I don't know if I can sit here and listen to this drivel. Let me, I'm fascinated. It's nearly over anyway, right? It sounds extraordinary. gets a bit out of hand, only tries it on with the zookeeper's wife.

He's still going white. How does he do that? Well, because he's around humans a lot, he becomes a bit of a charmer. But what is it that he could do to seduce her? Pick fleas out of her? He didn't say. He was built. He was built. Yeah, he's well on that. What about that? What do you mean? What about it, Carl? It's obviously not true. It's obviously not true. This wasn't on the internet. This was in a book. So it's not a quick joke and just put it on a website. This is in a book. I don't understand how they're looking. I love that he becomes a charmer. He's got better tase of brandy. And he, oh, that is... What was it that he was doing?

That's seducing her? I don't know. Maybe because he was at home more than the zookeeper was. But what would he be doing, Paul? He's not going to be talking with her. Maybe she liked the silent type. I don't, it didn't go into that, it just said that's when the tribe started. Go ahead, go on. All right. Is that what Suzanne did when she brought you on? Yeah. Yeah. Talking to the sunbird yesterday. Have you got anything interesting about a monkey or an ape so we can do chimpanzee that? I know something that a lot of other

people will know but I'll... Well let's do it then. Chimpanzee, what's it called again? Where should we do a jingle? Do a little jingle for us then. Oh chimp? Oh chimp? That's great. So I look forward to that every week. Yeah and what's the interesting factimp fact? Right, it's about this monkey ages ago. Of course. I don't know where it happened. 17th century? I think it was a chimp. Right.

Got caught having a fag. Got caught having a fag. Do you know it? What do you mean do I know it? Oh, narrow it down. There's a chimps are caught with a fagg. So it was it was it was it was it was it the the the tha woodbines. So it was sent to court and it was underage it was it was it was a and it got someone to go into the news agent

forum did he get a bigger gorilla to go into news age to get in 20 Rothmans it ended up doing time because it was it was go back a minute wait well well well I don't know the that's that's as much as you know... that's as much as I know, so there's no point question. That is as much as you know, isn't it? Quite literally. Sorry, but why did you go to prison? It's against a law to have a monkey having a fag. Where's it... In a built-up area? What are you talking about?

It's against the law for a I don't know the full story that's it. You don't know the full story do you? You never do you? Do you think it was a monkey from a zoo right? Yeah. Do you think it'd be fed up? No, because in a way it's home from home, isn't it? When I read it They didn't put the monkey in a prison. They're overcrowded. They haven't got the space. Well, again, I'll find it and give you the where I got it from. Chop Harris was furious because the monkey got the top bunk. Yeah. Can I just uh... Okay then. Oh, chimpanzee that. Another one next week? I don't think so. Oh, chimpanzee that. Oh, chimpartie. that. that. that. that. that. that. the the the the the the the one. Oh, I the the the one. Oh, I the one. Oh, I' the the the one. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I'll. Oh, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like the the the the the their. Oh, like, like, like, like, like, I'll. Oh, like, I'll. Oh, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, I'll. Oh, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the like this one. What I've found is found out like a lot of monkeys' names. Like that's how I found out about Oliver. Yeah. What do you mean you found out a lot of monkeys names? Well there's a lot of monkeys

out there and you think they're just called monkey and what have you but they're all given names, right? So this one that I found about, a bit of a weird name anyway, it's actually called crap,, its name, right? And... So they're not born with those names. It's not like their parents give them those names, you know, they're just chimed, yeah. This one, right? And, um... It's called Crap? Yeah, I know.

Right, but do you know what it's famous for? What crap? Yeah. No. No one. Is it involved with this show? It's the first monkey to have its name tattooed on its head. Yeah, again, I will say not by choice. There is no way that a chimp would go down to Camden Lock and go, are you registered tattoist? I am, yes. Yeah, it's the cleanest. Yeah. Okay. Can I have a look for your book? Can I have a look for your book? I'm not quite gothic, but, um, I've like, you know, what's your name? Crap, oh, I'm not sure I can do that, because you're not drunk, I have another drink,

I've had some, uh, um, bongo, and that's all. about the first monkey to have its name tattooed on its head. What are you talking about, Carl? There's got to be more information. Don't tell me you're leaving it there. There's got to be more information. That was it and I read it thinking, well that's weird because that means there's loads of monkeys with tattoos on their head, if that's the first mean would they report it? This isn't the Washington Post you're reading? This is mentalists who do websites about themselves every day. What? There's got to be a fid act to that story. Why is that news? How did you come across that? Well you... First nut monkey with head WD? I mean what are you talking about? But why did it have its name tattooed on its head? I don't know. It didn't say that? I mean I know it's mad. But he didn't say why? Was that enough for you though? Did you feel satisfied

having read that? Did you not have other questions? I mean that is no way that is excited in the Guinness book of records? I? I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. th. tho thooo that that thatuu-a-a-a-a-a-a- tho that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. W. the. W. W. W. W. tode. W. W. the. the. the. the. Book of Records. There's no way that that is excited in the Guinness Book of Records. I just read it as like, what a weird name for a monkey. And then, ooh, you won't have that on your head. What would be a good name for a monkey? I don't know, uh, anything but that, really. Dave? Ted. But what do you think of that then? Well I don't know what to think about it because I don't know what I don't know what you're telling me. I don't know that it's news, I don't know that it's true. I mean I don't know where to start with that.

Right, come on, monkey news. It's not called monkey news. It's not called the monkey stuff in? We've got a quarter of an hour. What other show can say that? We've got, we're not going to pack in all the monkey news. We've got 15 minutes but we can't get all the monkey information. Right, go on. You're going to love this one? Go on. Is there, yeah, this other jingle? it happened in Acne, right? If you're outside London, that's a place in London. And it's this monkey that's going about Acne, nicking DVDs. Even the monkey didn't go for videos.

Even the monkey knew, well, it's no point in getting on VHS. Because you're on VHS. You're having it. Whahah! Do it back. Right? And there's a girl called Lisa who works in our office here, right? And I mentioned it too, because she lives in Hackney.

I said, uh, you're familiar with this? And she said, oh, I remember something about it, thiii. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their, thi. their, their, their, their, their, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, their, do it their, do it their, do it back it back it back it back it back it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. their. their. their. their. their, their. their, their, their. their, their. their. their. th. th. Do their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. Do their, their, their. couldn't she didn't know the full story and she lives there. What do you mean a monkey? Do you mean a chimpanzee or a monkey? I don't know, is he a zoo in Hackney? Is there a zoo there? I don't know what's like... Is there a zoo in Hackney? I don't know. That's what I was asking. I don't know. That's what I was asking. So anyway. the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thi. thi. the. th, so yeah, it's been robbing stuff. And the other bit that really puzzled me, right, is the fact that... And you're not easily puzzled by monkey news? They took fingerprints. What do you think about that?

Well, they took fingerprints, presumably because they didn't know it was a monkey to start with. No they did. They saw it, they saw it, nick him stuff. And they said get fingerprints. So that means there's more than just one doing it. I'm going to have a heart. He had to fax them to interpol. Yeah, yeah. We know that is, yeah. It's bright, it's bright and a monkey. Yeah. Sorry, I don't know, he was stealing DVDs, specifically DVDs.

I think it said watches and stuff. What, breaking into homes? Yeah, in Hackney. Are you sure it wasn't a kid with a mask on? No, seriously. How was he breaking into homes? They're good, aren't they? They're good, aren't they? But how would they do that the news? Well that's how much do you want? Is that monkey news?

For this week? Well I don't know that it's true. Again, I've got nothing to... There was other stuff. There was another story that I found about a monkey, but I would like to know from someone in Hackney if... Do you know what I mean? And I missed that kept getting

on buses, not paying its fair, and just sat in a corner reading the paper. Carre, you're an idiot. Well that wasn't in London, that was in American. It wouldn't read the paper? Why would it read the paper? Because it was its way of sort of going, oh well if I'm reading something maybe the inspector. Oh, God. The inspector will notice my hairy hands. Oh, Kurt, you're such a fool! Well, Philipton.

Carl Kahlitler. I've just had a news flash that an infinite number of monkeys in Hackney and aching an infinite number of typewriters. Yeah. We don't know what for at this stage we've got no more information. And they've taken back an infinite amount of graduate on video because this is rubbish. Sorry, what was the monkey news? No, no, no, we've got to save monkey news. We've got to save monkey news. After that when we, uh... Is it quick? Is it quick?

Is it quick? Uh, what the monkey uses, is it quick? Yeah. I can tell it to you quick. Quick then? Right. Jingle. Oh, chimpanzee that! Go. Chambles.

Hurry up! There's a monkey in India, right? On a railway station, waiting for the train. Don't mess it out because I've got to get through it quick. There's monkeys sat there and this robber nicked somebody's handbag or something goes running off down the platform, the police are chasing them. Monkey steps in, trips the fella up, pins him down, police come and arrest the fella. He tripped over the monkey.

He tripped over the monkey. Okay, play a record. He didn't. He tripped over the monkey was waiting for a train? He tripped over the monkey. The monkey was waiting for a train? He tripped over the monkey. Did you check the time table? Okay, leave it. All right. There's been a few things but one that if this was news. Go on. Where? Somewhere? I think it was in... 17th century? I don't, it doesn't matter that bit. Okay. Find a load of monkeys that are having a good chat. Go on. They're having a good chat.

Well, they found monkeys that can talk. About, they've worked out, they've got about 534 different words that they're using. To like have a chat about stuff. More than you? Yeah, what are they chat about then? Just, you know, things that monkeys are worrying about. You know, where do you get that from? Who does your hair? You're going out with her again, I? Oh yeah. Have you seen that?

Sorry, you can't just leave that? No, no, no, I'm just intrigued to know what else. Is there any? Were they discussing the Humanzi? Did you see that program on Channel 4? Yeah. Did you see how well- Do you mean they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they on Channel 5? Yeah. He can walk up right. Yeah. Did you see how well do you mean they taught them, they taught themselves this language? Yeah. Where, where is this? In the wild is this, is it? Um, not sign language. It's in some jungle somewhere. They found these monkeys. He heard some, you know,

some explorers over there. And he heard his name and he saw, that's what you want, what do you want, Ron, it wasn't me, I didn't say, I didn't say I always snod grass, where did you get that gun? Yeah, well, well it's only me and you here. Yeah, it's weird, it's not weird, it's not true. Right, come on then, what's next? Well what I'm thinking, well, well, right, it's that time again, isn't it? Oh, monkey news? Yeah, monkey news. So, monkey munky news. Right, if you're a new listener, this is where we do a bit of monkey news. Oh, imagine who's given his chance. I'm a news broke up, like news night review or news at 10,

over to Carl Pilkington yeah all right monkeys gone mad again go on right we've we've done quite a lot of good stuff the one that sort of kicked up most of the fuss was probably only the monkey I love the fact that they're all monkeys he's a chimpanzee well today well today right we're looking at one that's it's called Coco. Oh yeah, the one, the sign language one.

Well, what I've read about him is, he speaks, right? Oh God. Highly educated. Yeah. Photographer. Oh, God. Carl. Carl!

Right. Carl, Carl, Carl. I love the fact that when he can get to a gifted ape, he has to look up to him. He realizes that he is superior. I love that. Oh. And they also like it's going on computer chat rooms. I can't take this any more Steve. I'm going to be sick. Which? Right? That's pretty amazing. You know if an infinite number of monkeys or in an infinite number of chat rooms, they'll eventually type, which is your favorite episode

of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Exactly, yeah. Godfiel. I'd love to have some monkey news though. Go on then. the thinne. too'n't their their their their their their their that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that that that's that that that that's that's that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's their their their their their their their their their their th. Which. Which th. Which thoooooo-nipe. Which. Which is that's that's that's that got some monkey news. Come on then. No, Rick, come on. Cheer up, cheer up. Well, it's this sort of like, he moans that he's got too much time in his hands and he comes up with that shh. Okay, shite. Monknews, the jingle, please. Oh, chimpse, that's not news is it? They printed that probably last September. So that's... There's one in there. New music, new music. New Munky News from last September. You're a lord. Wasteer. Police,

Ricky, Monkey News. Right. There was this monkey in a zoo in Brazil, right. And there's a little man monkey, little woman monkey. And uh... You're a scientist. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There's there. There's there. There's there. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There's. There's. There's. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's. There's. There. Right. And there's a little man monkey, a little woman monkey. And you were scientists, aren't you? Go on. And they said the people in charge were like, oh, wouldn't it be good if they had kids? Brilliant. Right. So anyway, the chimps used to stand sort of, you know, they'd have the little caves each other, they used to sort of, lean on the fence having a bit of a chat and stuff with each other. Just gossiping, yeah, the equivalent sort of thing. So anyway, they were getting on a storm and like the zookeepers were like... Can you hear that cheapest chimps this week? I hope it was fascinating. Yeah, just gossiping I understand.

So what was the monkey news? I don't know it's tune in. What was the monkey news this week? Come on. That was from last September. Go on. So, they were, um, there was, you know, stood there having a chat and the zookeepers were like, I wonder if they were ever going to, you know, they were have kids. Are we letting that go?

They were just chatting, are we just letting that go? You know what I mean? I mean, just doing whatever monkeys do. Right. So, um, so yeah, so the zoo keepers were like, yeah, I wonder when they're gonna, you know, have some kids. Anyway, what they decided to do, to sort sort sort, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, they. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We, we. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I. I, I. I, I, I. I. I. I, I. I. I. I. I, I. I, I. I. I. I, I. I. I. I. I. I, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, to. to. th. they. they. they they they they they they they they they they they they're, they they they they they they're, I mean, I mean, Ithem a suit, won a wedding dress. Right. Keep going! No, I'm not there.

Shut up, Jemese. Fade him down if he's going to interrupt. I want to hear the rest of them. They got married. So they got married? Yeah, they got married. Right. That's the end of it!

That's what Why don't you like that? What, it's not a story! It's about two chimps chatting, which doesn't happen. The zookeeper was going, I wonder if they're going to ever have kids? And come on, they got married, that's the end of the story! That's the end of the story! Hang on, just calm down. Let me just check that fundamental piece of information. What, the story? That would have made it into a story? Right. Let me just check the facts. So they bought them wedding outfits. They were married. They bought them wedding, they were married? Were they just forcible marriage? Or did they just force to answer? And then what was the outcome? Once they've got to married? And their, what was, what was, what was, what their, what they're, what, what, what, their, their, their, they, their, they, their, their, their, they, their, let, let, let, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let their, let their, let the fact, let their, let their, let their, let their, let their, let their, let, let their. their. their, let, let, let, let, let their. their. their. their, let, let their. their. their, let their. their, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me just, let me just, let me just, let me just, let me just, let me just, let me just, let me just, let me just, let me, let me just, let me, let me just, let me, let me, let me a real marriage. I don't know what you've got in your head.

It's like the head of Homer Simpson. I'd go in there and there'd be a wedding reception and there'd be a couple of fights and they'd be talking about stuff. They got married. They fell in love. Did they have children? Um, they're not back off the record. You got no features now. Well anyway, today's, today's story, I was emailed in.

So he didn't even do anything towards it. So when you say I've been working on Monkey News, what you, you've printed that out? So is the making of Monkey News you checking your email? Well no, I'm always looking at different options, you know, how much is going on. This what makes me th he says he's really busy. I'm doing other stuff and that, I'm doing other stuff. People are sending him monkey need. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You get an email. Is it from writers? Well, listen, it's from Steve. Okay. Now what it is But there's a bit before the monkey anyway, right? Jesus no listen shoot me right? It's a bank. There's this bank right busy bank Normal day everything's going normal, right? Busy bank people going in doing what they do seeing about mortgages and stuff. Yeah everything's normal everyone's happy right, so anyway, it's quite busy one day fella comes in with a gun and a ball of clava on. Up to no good.

Right, I'll tell you now, Carl, if this fella turns out to be any ape or monkey-related species, you're never doing this again. Yeah, I never, so just if you want to finish it, it's at your own risk. But if this fella who robbed the bank turns out to be a chimpanzee, that's the end of monkey news. Alright. Okay, let's hear the end. It's a lovely day in a lovely bank. Everyone's happy.

Everything's normal. A man comes in, starts waving a gun around, right? Man comes in, starts waving a gun around, right? to know, the man. Is it a man? starts waving a gun around right? Up to no good. So everyone's thinking, oh God, you know, wish you didn't come in here, it's not going to be a good day. I'm totally the man. Shut up! Let's hear it.

Everything, you know, oh God, he's telling everyone to get down on the floor. Yep. In what, in English? Yeah. So everyone's panicking, everyone's getting on the floor thinking this is it, this is, you know, it's all over. Just when you think, you know, it's all bad news, it's all bad news, door swing open, little monkey wanders in. Oh God, it's worse.

Shut up, Rick. Little monkey wanders in, right? The robber is like, what's going to get down taking any notice. No, it was just busy asking for coffee. It runs in. I don't know if it was going to withdraw or deposit or whatever. It wanders in, right? Goes up to the robber. Where did it come from? Shut up? Will you let him finish the story and then ask questions? That's very fair? Okay. Wander's in, runs up to the fellow with the gun, text the gun and the bag of money off him. Everyone's like, yay, you know, we've been saved. Then the monkey starts backing out with the gun and the money. Shut up.

I'll see about that. Sit down, sit down and the gun. Here's the end of the story. It does a runner with the money and the gun. No one's seen it thiia thia thia thia thia thia thia thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin' thin' thin' than's tho' tho' tho' that. that. than' tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho-tha. Then, tho-tha. Then, tho-tha. Then, tho-tha. Then, thin' thin' thin' thin' thin. Then, thin' thin' thin. Then, thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin. Then, thin. Then, than. Then, than. Then, than. Then, than. Then, than. Then, thanan. Then, theea'-a'-a'-n'-a'-a'-a'-a'-n' tha' things in your time. What are you talking about? It's a story that happened. No! What are you talking about? What do you mean it backed out? It came in. Was it an accomplice? Was it an opportunist, monkey robbery? What are you talking? Think? Think? Think! Think! That's the idea of monkey news. We're telling people how monkeys monkeys are pretty you know they're menful. They're up to no good. What are you think they've never seen the monkey since what do you have a getaway car

waiting did he swing his way to freedom where was this there's no details don't talk rubbish well Steve emailed it in he's it off the net and the funny thing is, can I see it? Have you got the information there? The funny thing is, it wasn't just him who sent it. I had that a couple of times so a few people obviously read the story and said, you know, that'll be good for Monkey News. It doesn't say any more, it doesn't say any more, it doesn't say if he went off to Spain, he he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's thi, he's thin, he's thin, he wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't, he, he wasn't, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. He. He. He. He. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, he, he, he, he, he, he's wasn't, he's wasn't, he's wasn't, he's wasn't, he's thin, he's thin, he's thin, he's thin, he's thin, he's wasn't thin, It's just saying that's what he did, that's the story, and that's what Monkey News is like. I've heard that they're making a movie version with Phil Collins.

So I look forward to that in Judy Waters. So that's this week's, monkey news, if you've got any, you know, anything that is the end. That's the end of monkey news. No more monkey news. Okay, so monkey news, please. All right, all right. Let's hear the jingle. Oh, chimpanzee that! Monkey news. Right. Now, before I went away,

Oh, well, again, go on. Oh, chimpancy that monkey news. Brilliant. Right. Before I went away I told you about Alfred. He was the monkey where there was a robbery going on in a bank. And then he nicked the robbers loot and backed out with a gun. He sort of thought he robbed the rubber didn't he? Did he take his gun as well? He took all the weapons, he was like a all the weapons, he managed because they were so amazed that a monkey was coming in. It was like... Don't talk, shite twice. Anyway. So anyway, got a follow-up to that. Okay. Then what

what was that monkey's name? Alfred? That was Alfred. So anyway. Because a lot of people wanted to know, well, you know, what did he do? Did he go off and have a holiday? Did he, no, no, no. So, um, so the follow-up is, what happened is the monkey and the guns had the cash which was $250,000, right? It went back to the zoo, right? All right, Carl, you're talking to the truck. I get angry with you when you won't let him finish his monkey years. Can't we just get out the official thing?

Imagine if people were interructing Governor McDonald? It wouldn't happen. I don't want to make sure I don't get anything wrong. No, of course not. No, so check the internet. So the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, so, so, so, so, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, so, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. So, the monkey. the monkey. the monkey. the monkey. the monkey. the monkey. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. the monkey goes. So, the monkey goes. So, the monkey goes. to the zoo right where all the zookeepers come out and go get him he's got the guns yeah he hands out a couple of guns to his mates what is monkey mates so they've all got a couple of guns each oh Carl I'd see if I I can't stand it honestly I want to scream please I really get annoyed with

you they tried to do him a deal they said how about it I'm going to go to do him a deal, they said how about it. I'm going, tell you that, I'm not going. Step out from a minute. Okay, we're just doing it. Look, listen, step out and I'll paraphrase what I hear for you when you come back in. Step out. Now please, I'll need to hear it. This is monkey. This is important stuff.

Right. So, yeah, they've the room he cannot bear to hear which is surprising to me. Right so anyway so yeah they've got the money and they say to the zookeepers how about we give you some cash yes and they go sorry that well hang on sorry the zookeeper said that to the monkeys yeah right no no the monkeys who have got the 250,000 pounds right say to the zookeepers we'll sort you some money out if you let us go. so so so so so so so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the monkeys the the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys to the monkeys to to to the monkeys the the the monkeys to to to to to to to to the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys the monkeys their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the too. the the the the their their their their their their their their the 250,000 pounds say to the zookeepers will sort you some money out if you let us go. So the monkeys say to the zookeepers we'll give you some money? Yeah. You don't see any problem with that? Right, listen. Okay. It's nearly finished.

Right, I'm listening out there. This is ridiculous. Go! What do you mean the monkeys say to the zoo keep? They're probably holding the money out like kind of going, look, you know, we'll do your deal. Right, okay, come on. And what happened is I think, uh, I think that, I think they were happy with that. I think they left and that was out. They, they, they wanted to get out of the zoo because they didn't like it in there. There's the thing. Right, I don't, I don't. Just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just. Just. Just, just. Just. Just, just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just, just. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I. I, I. I. I, I, I. I, I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I. I, I, I, I. I, I, I. I. I, I, I. I, th. I, I, I, I. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, th. I, th. a... So why did he get... So he went and robbed, he thought, what, he knew there was going to be a robbery that day, did he? He might have been getting some money before they went to escape, and then that happened and they had more money. They might have been withdrawing some stuff out. What do you mean? If he was planning on leaving their their their their their their their hea, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he was going, he was going, he was going, he was going, he was going, he was going, he was going, he was going, he was going, he was going tho, he was going tho, he was going tho, he was going tho, he was going tho, he was going there, he was going there, he was going tho, he was going, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho, he was going tho, he was going tho, he was going tho, he was going the, he was going to be going to be going to be to be to be to be to be theeeea, he was going thoooooooooooooooooooooooo, he was going the the the about? What a few read there Steve.

I've got a feeling this is a review of one of the Planet the Apes films. I think he's escaped from the Planet of the Apes. I'm not certain. It could be beneath the Planet of the Apes. Right, what, I mean, Carl, think. Think, please think, right? So this monkey, he leaves the zoo, which he can do, presumably what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've, I've, I've th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I've thi, I've, I've, I've, I've, this this monkey, right, he leaves the zoo, right? He leaves the zoo, which he can do, presumably what? They leave him the keys or what? They're chatting to him, they might as well. He goes to a bank. What's he, what's he thinking of doing? Sees a robbery, probably by chance. It probably wasn't tiped off, was he?

Obviously got one of those police scanners. I think he was going to the bank to get a mortgage to build a lot slightly... I think you wanted an extension, didn't he, on his cage? Think of that. And so I love the fact the hands out the guns and they do a deal. It's honestly. You've got the best, you've got the best mind working on radio today. It's incredible. So we're doing it then? Let's, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I. I. I, I. I, I, I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I th. I th. I th. I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I'm thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi, I? Let's play the jingle. Oh chimpanzee that monkey news night. Excellent. Good so we'll sort of get some monkey experts on maybe next week to dissect it. All right is this monkey? Oh yeah it's called Jack. I got Pally with this bloke who worked in a railway station. All right. You got Pally with this bloke who worked in a railway station. How? How?

Pen pals? I don't know, I didn't say all that. I'm just telling you. I'm not shortening. I'm shortening. So he's helping him out. So, um, anyway, he's helping him out all the time. It's this fellow's job, right, to sort of make sure it's safe for the trains to come in that sort of thing right but he's always working on his own so he's got his mate jacking with him

right this this little monkey and you know they're having a good time they share lunch together and stuff like that anyway it gets a point when the fellow who's job it is right starts getting old and Jack the monkey to the. this is a chimpanzee the monkey you mean th is to th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is the th is th is the thin is the thin is the thin is the the the thi thi their their thi thi their their thin. their th. It's their their thi. thi. thi. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi is thi. thi. thee is thee is thee is ty. ty. try. ty. ty. try. ty. try. the thee. thee. their their their theire as opposed to a monkey you mean when you say monkey a generic term you mean you mean you mean chimps usually don't you Yeah, cool. So um, you know, he's clocking the fella doing his job and he's thinking I can do this All right, I love it. He's helping out. He's pulling out is pulling down the levers and stuff. Yeah, so the train's sort of coming in? Yeah, the train's? Yeah, he. Yeah, he. Yeah, he the the the the the the train's the train's the the the the train's the the the the train's the the the the the he he he he he he he he he he- he's he- he's hea. He's the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their train's train's train's train's train's train's train's train's train's train's train's train's train's train's train. He's train. He's train's train's, see the trains coming and that. I have British Rounder listening. Yeah, right? In the end, oh yeah. The fellow whose job it is, he lost a leg for some reason, couldn't work anymore. Gave Jack the job. Yes, okay. The railway company, I'm sure they interviewed a number of people but he was the best monkey for the job. They interviewed a number of people, but he was the best monkey for the job. And that's good, isn't it?

Well, it's not true. Right, once again. Well, it's not true. Don't hand Steve a piece of paper that someone put on the internet who is probably a bigger mentalist than you. That's not proof. It's not true. At no point did a railway company give a chimpanzee the job of signalmen? It was ages ago.

What? Steve, when was it? Before trains probably. Well, it's in the 1880s, according to this piece of paper, which is what you've based, their one can use on. Now, of course, I think ITN and a lot of the news they tend to get lots of independent confirmation of their news before they give it out as fact. But you've got an email from someone so let's assume that's real. It says for this Jack was officially put on the railway payroll earning two cents per day and have half a bottle of beer on Saturday.

That's what we pay you. He doesn't even get the beer. Oh dear he's not allowed to drink, are you. Someone emailed in actually and said, Carl Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, ago, did you die and they took your face and transplanted it onto that of a chimpanzee? It makes a lot of sense. Alright, anyway, better monkey news, that's been sent in. Right.

Gareth in Catford. Right, good work Go. Basically, it's about this monkey, in the jungle. It's got a gig out in air dresses. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's got itself a nice little job going in an air dressers. As what?

It gets people sitting down. And what it does before the people have their air cut that it sort of sits there and it goes through people's air make sure it's clean and people are loving it. Right back to the so it's a pet monkey. So it's a pet monkey? It's not working at a monkey and guy. Yeah. No no seriously it's it's in there. I think it might have started off as a job and then it's like putting it? So what did it say? It says, Junior 15 pounds, Styline is 35 pounds,

monkey was 63 pounds. Cut and blow drown. Sorry, I didn't quite follow. It's in the jungle. It was wondering about. But it looks good, its hair looks good, someone thought, hang on. You see, people make that mistake with air dresses anyway. I always say, well, if the airdress has got a good air cut, go to where he's going. Right. Right?

Right. Because that's what I thought when I read it, about having a good air cut. How often did you go to the air dresses? Well not that much anymore, but I used to always always always always, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I always, I always, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, go, go that, go that, go that, go that, the. the their, their their their their the the the throooooo. the that, go that, go to a bloke who told me had his shack on a railway bridge that used to shake when a train went over. Because it was two quid. Yeah, but before that, I've never had that much luck with air-dresses. Before that was another place and it was run by these wannabe gangsters. And it was run by these wannabe gangsters. they'd go in for air- cut and then you'd walk out

with a video recorder. Do you know what I mean? You don't have to take it. No, no, but they'd sort of spend ages flogging you that while cutting your air, it was there, it was like, it was like, I think it's like, sit down. It's like, so, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and, and, and, you, and, and, you, and, you, and, and, you, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. And, you. And, you. And, you. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. You. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they're, you'd. they'd, you'd, you'd, you'd, you'd, you'd, going there because it was like, this is what I hair cut, I don't want to be assled down to which one said that you had the hair of a Chinaman? It's the fellow who worked in a railway station hair cut saloon saloon saloon. Well he should know. Well he's been around a bit clearly if he's been around a bit clearly salon is in the jungle or where is it?

No, he was doing what he does in the jungle, right? Right. He's walking about, he wanders into the airdressers. Yeah. Maybe they didn't have him on like as a job straight away he was just there. This is nice. He sat there picking the knits. Oh, Carl, I don't know where to start. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, the, the, the, the, he, the, the, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he, he, he, he, he, he. th. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, he, he, he. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. He, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th.'t know where to start. It's just the embellishment. You don't walk in, he walked from a jungle to an airdresser. I mean you're an idiot. You really are.

I'd love to see you try and get a job in an airdresser if there was another monkey up for it. You'd never get a job. So he was good at heads. They said let's put him on the payroll. Let's put him on the payroll! What do you mean? Now I'll give you that. Okay this is the news item is it? Customers are queuing up to have their hair done at a salon in the jungle by a monkey. Judy, a pig-tailed macaquequeque has a reputation as the best exterminator of headlice in Comcaine. She is so good some customers fall asleep under her gentle touch. Regular and poron chakema said, Judy's hands are so soft and gentle I really feel I can relax. But you know that is doing what it does naturally.

It's looking for like salt and stuff in the hair. Yeah. And it's not on the payroll. It doesn't complain about when it gets deducted at national insurance. It's not part of the union. Yeah, do you know what I mean? But a good monkey news, you know, backed up with good tabloid journalism. Yeah, with solid evidence. So, now that's, I think we maybe we should start marking the monkey news Rick, what do you think, given it marks of ten maybe? For both interest and validity. Well for interest, I'll give it seven. For Carl's,

car believing that there was something to this monkey thinking it had a job and getting paid. But it was also doing kind of perms and colouring. Two. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. More monkey news. Hopefully that jingl. Two. then-o'n' th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th-o. th-o. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the their their their their the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th-s. the. the. the. the. the. theeeate. thee. theee. theee. theee. thee. their their their their their their again. Oh chimpanzee that monkey news! So let's have official monkey news play the jingle. Oh chimpanzee that monkey news. All right we've got to be quick. This is something that was sent in to me ages ago and I don't know why I haven't done it yet because it's brilliant. We were talking about monkeys typing, the Shakespeare theory and all that. Well this is about a little monkey called Marty, right? Basically it's in some science lab, right, it's in there, it was wandering about out of its cage, right? The lab fella was busy on the phone or something, Right? And, um, typical.

It's wondering about it goes up to a PC, that's in the corner, a little computer, types down, my name is Marty. Right? So the fella got off the phone, saw this on the screen with the monkey sat there. Says to his mate, have you done this? Right, hold on, Carl. Let him finish, before your question, always let him finish. I don't know what to do. Times against us, come on. He said, have you done this? He said, have you done this, on the screen here saying, my name's Marty. He goes, what you're talking about? As he's having an argument with his mate, saying you're lying, you did it. Monkey's sat there, he he he he he is Marty. Right and that's the end of the story. I'm not coming in next week. Uh, that's Carl. I think we need a week off. I actually think we need a week off.

It's doing a, uh, a web chat or something. You can go online and have a chat with it. The monkey's doing a web chat. I don't know. Has it got a website yet? His favourite Buffy the Vampires? I've looked at that. Right. Do you believe that, Carl? Do you believe that monkey could type that and then say this is not a practical joke when he's saw arguing? Weird, in it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! Do you reckon, Steve? Yeah, well it's obviously a wind-up. It's a joke, it's not even, you haven't even got some of the facts wrong, it's just a wind-up. Have you noticed a date? Is it April the 1st?

It is April the first. You are joking. You're an idiot, Carl. It was sent on Aprilthe 1st, Carl. So you're saying the monkey knows it's April 1st, but you know what the wind-up? Yes. Yeah, I think the monkey has thought, I'll do it on April the 1st so that people think that it's a wind-up. But it's that time. It's getting exciting. We've got rockbuster's results, but before that, a little bit of monkey news with, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, thi! Chi! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that, that, th. th. Oh, thi! Oh, I! Oh, I's the the the the the the the the the th. th. I's than, I' the monkey, I' the monkey, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I I, I, I, I, I I, I I, I I, I, I's the monkey, I's the monkey, I's the monkey, I's the monkey, I'll, I'll, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, I'll thin. thin, I'll thoan. thoan. thoan. thoan. I'll thoan. I'll thin, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, I'll the monkey, monkey news. Carl Pilkerton. Brilliant.

Nice to have outread that for a couple of weeks. Go on then. All right, so, uh, is that this little monkey? I mean, yeah. Uh, he lives in Morocco. Right, I'll just warn you now, you're on thin ice from last time, okay? So make sure, is thin thin' thinn, thinks yourself, is that true do that? Do they think like that? So call on. So anyway yeah so there's this magician in Morocco, right? Got a little monkey working with him, right? The way it used to work, a magician used to

do his thing on stage, do a little bit of magic, people loved it. Then the monkey came out, had a little cap, walked around the crowd and stuff, got the money, had a good little team thing going on that. So anyway the monkey's name was 86 right because back then there was so many monkeys it was like oh what names do you do so they just named them, right? So this little monkey too. What, he had 86 other monkeys? No, no, no, no, it's just that because a lot of monkeys were sort of working back then, helping magicians out, you know, doing bits and pieces, busking, what have you? Well, Rick, you know how there's so many...

Well, they's the confusion? People would go, I'm not going to go see that, I want to see that, I want to see 86, he's the better monkey. Do you know what I mean? What does it matter? I don't know what you mean? Well, why do they need, where, where was the confusion? With people, with people who are going to go into circus? I don't know. there's so many humans now that we can't give them names anymore. Yeah exactly, yeah there's so many humans you know with five billion people they can't give them names it's impossible but you know with a few monkeys working. Anyway so

anyway so there he is 86 86 with his heart walking around getting the money yeah anyway the magician sort of you know thinking about moving on because in Morocco he'd sort of done all the tourist traps. So he had a word with the monkey, so how about we... See? No, let him continue. Think. He let him continue. He did never work with the monkey. Let him continue. So what do you think about going over to Spain?

Yes. Oh God. So the monkey was in agreement? So he said, oh go on then, right? So they'd get in the car and like the magician knew we'd have a bit of a problem on his hands because you're not meant to take monkeys out of the country. Yeah. So he thought, right, what I'll do, I'll get a car, right? Right. Stick the monkey in a boot, right? Stick the monkey in a boot, right? the that. Yeah. So, the the monkey. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. St. the the the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m' the m' the m' the m' the m' the mo. the m' the m' the m' the m' the m' the m' the m' the m' the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. the m. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So, the m. So, the m. So, the m. So, the m. And the m. And the m. And the m' the m'e. And the mo. I'a. I'a. the mo. I'a. I'a. the mo. the mo. the mo. the m'e. the m'e. the m'e. the m'e. the boat and hopefully sort of you know stick it in some luggage and what have you? We'll be over there, we'll be earning big money, everything's going to be great so the monkey's like brilliant. So they're getting the car, they're on the way to the boat and pull over at a petrol station and just before filling up he opens up the boot and he goes, you know all right in there and it's like yeah it's round. So he leaves.the boot open so it can breathe and get a bit of fresh air whilst it's filling up. Goes in to pay the money. Yeah.

Pays the money, he goes, I'm just paying for the- Right, this monkey is not going to drive away in that car. Or we're never doing this feature again. 86 up to? So, 86. So, uh... That's the engine, isn't it? That's the story. Come on, let, let, let, let, let, it better not be. It better not be. Brilliant, you're gonna love it.

Right, so he's in the petrol. Right, so he's going, right, I'll pay for pump four. And if Ellis is what you're talking about, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, no I mean pump four. Sure. So he says what you're talking about, there's no car at pump four. Right, keep going. Sticks his head out of the door, the monkey's giving it some, went over to Spain on its own. See, I don't know what to do. Well, hang on, let's just get a couple of the facts right here. What do you mean couple of the facts right here? What do you mean So, number 86, he drove to Spain. Honestly, Carl, you must know. It was an automatic.

Right. How did he, how did he... How did he must know? That is shit. There is no way a monkey do. That's the thing with his speech, though. How would he get through customs, Carl? What was he was sneaking about because he didn't have a passport.

So we parked and then slept through. Do you want the fax? Let me see it. Right, I'll examine this, Rick, then we'll play a record. Play a record. Play record. That's nearly as bad as the armed robbery. Right, go on.

Play a bit of a thiwa' tha' tho' tho' tho' tho' thoade? Yeah, stay together. My favourite. One of the 86's favourites. Is that monkey news for this week? Have we not got the other monkey news? Well, it's just, it hasn't been that good. I mean, the one that I found out here, um, because we've covered so much in the monkey world, right? The fact that we've done a monkey that was a sort of a half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half half that that that that that that got a decent job in a train station. Can you think of any of the other...

Well that's just some of the great monkey news from the past? So that's what you got to compete with. So even though this is quite amazing... Just tell us! Another monkey's got married. Another monkey getting married. What do you mean? It's got another one, you know, you know, you know, it, it, it, it, it, you, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, you, it, it was, it was, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. A, th. A, th. A, that, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that, that, that, lot of the monkey getting married. What do you mean?

It's got another one, you know, it was knocking about with some woman monkey for a bit. A woman monkey? They decided to, you know, get married. Yeah. They did. What do you mean they decided to get married? Was it pressure from her parents? They had a good do and uh... I could do I love the spread! I love that peanut vollavons. Yeah.

Celebrated in a pub and then they both went off to the cage at night. That's what I mean, even though that is quite impressive because... It's not true. Or it's a joke, it's nothing, it's not... On an over website, official sort of news website. Two monkeys have married in Romania after a whirlwind romance. Well that's after a whirlwind romance. Yeah, a quick one hanging on to the rope. Yeah, yeah. She was in the tire. Yeah. He went I have a girl that they go we got a marry her now. Yeah. Her parents came and said do you just? He was in a zoo, knocking one off. She went I can do that for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead, say the monkey bridegroom was scared by the number of people attending the wedding

and refused to get out of his cage. Oh, no, not bloody hello magazine again. No, it was, no, I think it was like last minute, nerves. Like, you know, I'm single now. It's like, I'm single now. It's single. It's single. It's single. It's like, I. It's like, I. It's like, it. It's like, it. It's like, it. It's like, it. It's like, it. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. I. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's the. It's the. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the it. She looked lovely by the way. She looked lovely. She looked good. Reports she only appeared to have problems with her vial and dress. Do you see, you know, this is the guest in court. I hope they didn't ruin it like Kelsey Turner and maybe get sort of sponsorship PG tips or something. With strong plum brandy so they got him drunk as well so they carried on the celebrations at the pub and the boy was taken to a new husband's cage at night I really I will I apologize play a record right come on now oh chimpanzee that monkey news early than usual

I have to save this link now monkey news we've done a lot of stuff, right, on monkeys. And most of it has been... Is bollocks! No, it's been, has been like, happy stories. Oh, is this going to be like, our tune? Simon Bates and, welcome to, ah, monkey tune. No, but do you know what I mean? We've done

we've done stuff about a monkey that robbed the bank. Yeah why is that happy? He had a great life after that. What? And Marbeyer? Yeah, right we did the one who saved someone's handbag in a railway station. We had a lovely marriage, a couple of marriages. A couple of monkey marriages. Yeah, yeah. It was the one who got a job in a railway station. Yeah, the hairdresser. The one who set up a business in Spain. I don't even remember that one. I don't remember that one. Oh yeah, I'm willing to believe that that happened. Go on then, Kyle. But anyway,oday's isn't isn't that happy really it's about some monkey I think it was a chimp he's an ape go on it tried to I mean the story sets off a sort of a weird thing yeah it's something about you went to Russia to do some business

what are you talking about Carl? I don't, I don't, I mean... Jump past that bit though, it didn't start there. What are you... Do you know what I mean? He didn't tell you what he was doing, he just said, there's this monkey went to Russia. To do some business.

I don't know what. the surgent. Anyway, didn't work out. Didn't work out. They were furious! We wanted a surgeon, you send us a monkey. Um, anyway, ended up being homeless. Oh, no, joking. So it was taking the two for the worst. Couldn't even get into a, you know, like a tree hostel or anything like that? That's, that's the problem.

And, uh, ended up, up, yeah, ended up homeless. Got him with some tramps. I don't know where to stop. Come on, come on. Come on. Yeah, so he's knocking about with some tramps and stuff. You know, sharing drink and whatever, around a little fire. They broke into some home, not sort of squatted.

Right, so it's not homeless anyone. Problem was, yeah, he had a roof over his little area and he goes, oh this is good, this is, you know, we're having a good time, this is sorting me out. Yeah, he had his mates. He said that in Russian. What was it? What was he eating? I don't know. I didn't say. But they're in this house. Well, he could only be eating sort of like, you know, fruit, nuts, vegetables. I mean they, they, they, fact classly, sort of don't eat pork pies and drink coffee. But they've got McDonald's in Moscow now, so sure. You probably tried down that. Yeah. Anyway there was a bust in there there there was a bust in the bus in in the bus in in in in in the bus in the bus in in the bus in the bus in the bus in the bus in the bus in the bus in th was a bust. There was a bust in the flat that they were squatting in. All the other tramps sort of knew what was going on, legged it, left the little chimps out there, got arrested.

And they thought it was a real fella at first. They were like getting, you know, he's obviously just a scruffy bloke who hasn't had a shave and stuff. Yeah, hasn't shaved his back for a while. Or his face. His head. Got him down the station and the boss was like, what's going on here? We got a monkey, yeah? He was like, what? So you arrested the monkey? So the arresting officers hadn't noticed all the way to the station that he kept slipping out of the handcuffs

and was going, ah-eh-ah-eh-ah-ha-ah-for the entire journey. They didn't notice till they got there. What did they put a hood over his head maybe and just like, you know? I don't know, I'll give you the story if you want. There's the headline. What is it? What's the headline? This is once again from, the, the, the, thia, thia, thia, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thoomomomomomome, thr-a, thoome, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho..... That, thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. And, th. And, th but. The headline this is once again from supposedly reputable news organization Ananova homeless monkey arrested in Russia. Did, sorry did you read on or did you see the headline and make up that whole story? Most of it is there. What isn't there? What bit isn't there then?

No I think I think you know Steve can a look over it, check it out and stuff. Point out the embellishment for me, Steve, will you? Well what it doesn't say is that the police didn't realize it was a monkey? That's what I was guessing, really? They got it back and said, what are you doing? We've got a monkey here and they go, yeah? Oh God. We've some more monkey problems in th week have you seen the Alford's advert with monkeys in No

There's a new advert out for Alford selling bikes and stuff. Yeah got some monkeys in it. It's caused an uproar Why people are saying it's you know dressing up in track suits and that is uh Taking the Mickey out of Manchester. You know, it's not nice for the animals and that. So there's been loads of complaints about it. Will they get a free bike or something, do they, I imagine? I think they kept the track suit? Yeah.

Well, nearly the end of the show, but we wouldn't, you know what it is now, don't you? Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news All right now whilst I was in Colmwell I wasn't online, I didn't have the internet so it was like, oh, what am I gonna do and I didn't come back to yesterday I thought he did loads going on that I don't know about in the monkey world and stuff. I was open to get some from the zoo that was meant to be going to. Of course that didn't didn't didn't didn't that didn't that didn't that didn't that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the that the the their their that their their to to to to to to to to to to to to their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tho. tho. too. too. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to to to to the. the. the. I open to get some from the zoo that I was meant to be going to. Of course that didn't happen. So I said to my dad, do you know anything about monkeys or have you got any stories with monkeys? Brilliant. This is what Trevor McGovern does.

Turned out. He goes, oh, nothing. Dad, anything happened? You got anything politics, anything politics, dad? This isn't monkey news use I'm just giving you this free. Yeah brilliant. Turned out one of his mates used to have a chimp. What do you mean one of his mates? Well two of his mates. Oh sorry yeah I was I was thinking it sounds a bit far-fetched living in Manchester like, but if there was two of them? He had a chimp I had to thump it in the head

I'm doing what answering back Oh god tried it on with his wife I had to thump it in the end for trying it on with his wife! I love it, I love it, it's a proper fist fight in a pub in Manchester. Oh. I'd call him up but he's one of them he like swears all the time. I mean it'd be good to get him on and just...

Let's interview him. Can we not interview him pre-record? We can't thrown out. I'd love to be a lot. I' their. their. their. their. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. I. I've th. I've're not scared of work, aren't Steve? I'm going to myself if you can't be bothered. I have a word, I saw it. Yeah, try to sort out. Well, don't tell us the rest of the story then let's let him say in his own words. No, but it was another fellow he knows. When you say you can get him on butthere's some other fellow who he knows who had a funny name I'll have to find out because you love his name. But he was a

drag artist and I think he said he went, my dad went round one day I don't know why right, went around there knocked on the door chimpanzeed. Cimps had... Cimps had... Cimps had... Mad. Car, I don't know what you're doing mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate. I, mate. I, mate. I, mate. I, mate. And, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I. And, and I. And, and I. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and I. And, and I. And, and I. And, I. And, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, uh, I don't, uh, I don't, uh, I don't th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. live next door there's an horse in the front room. There's chimps running around. Anyway, uh... Chimpancer! Is that the end of the story? There's a chimpanzee, there's a chimpanzee, and that's the end. You're sure it wasn't the drag ice before he's shaved? No. Sure wasn't your grin? Because I like the really airy ones that impersonators. Yeah, yeah, Grant. Anyway. Go ahead, this is the monkey news.

So you got that for free. What's this going to be like, Steve? Well, let's have more jingles. Okay. Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news extra. Don't see you grunt to suck eggs. Okay. Right.

Uh, uh, don't look horse in the mouth. phrases today. Yeah we have here. Don't see your granny when she's shaving. Yeah. Don't look horse in the mouth. Don't let the chimpance the jaw if you're tucking your cocking. Familiar with the phrase monkey business? No, never heard that one before, Carl. That's brilliant. Right, well it came about, this has been emailed in and I haven't really had a chance to look at it, so I'm just weighing it up now. Oh God, it's the biggest shout-out a thrown a air, isn't it, really? I mean, what was Dr. Fox? Dr. Fox, must have been really polite. He must have wanted to scream and go, you shouldn't, to, to, to, to, the, to, to, to, the, to, the, to, the, to, their, their, their, their, to, their, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and, and, tho, and, tho, and, th. And, th. And, th. And, I. And, I. And, th. And, I. And, I. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the, the, the, the, the, the, they. And, they. they. they. thin, thin, thin, to, to, too, too, too, too, too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. t t t t t t tthis. He must have wanted to scream and go, you shouldn't be in the

radio authority. My parents listen online, I can't look them in the eye. Right, I think I've weighed it up. Long time ago, right? Yeah, olden days, yeah. In the Amazon jungle, right? Little family of monkeys in there, right? Having a good life, right? Didn't have any predices in there, right? Little family of monkeys in there, right? Having a good life, right? Didn't have any prediators in there, right? So, they were loving it. They had a load of food around them, they had loads of banana trees, right? Um, no, they did. Sorry, yeah.

Everything's going great, so they're happy in that. They go out of bed. Okay. Wake up in the morning, load of bananas gone. Oh, hang on, interesting. Hold on, wait a minute. So, either your dad's been around or... Is it... This isn't the great Amazon banana robbery, is it?

So anyway, turns out, it was another load of monkeys from another part, from the rough bit. From the rough bit. From the rough bit. From the rough bit! From the rough bit! I love it! They wandered into a middle class area. Oh, that is... They're the ones with the earrings and the leather jackets. Oh, that is brilliant. From a rough part of the island.

So, the monkey's thought, well, there's no point getting into a fight with them because they're harder than we are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th, th. From, tho, tho, tho, tho, from, from, from, from, from, from, from, from, th. From, I, I th. From, I, I th. From, I th. From, I. From, I, I. From, I. From, I. From, th. From. From, th. From. From. From. From, th. From. From, th. From. From. From, th. From, th. From. From, tha. From, thi. From, thi. From, thi. From, the the the the tho. From, the the the the the the the the thoooooooooooooooome. From the the thi. From thi. From, th's no point getting into a fight with them because they're harder than we are. Yeah yeah course and they carry chains so I love all this conjecture! Yeah go on so basically they said let's do some business with the bananas let's do some business with the bananas let's do some business with bananas this is a shit this is a... what are you talking about? Oh, Christ!

Carl's no, we have not much time left. Oh God! What do you mean this? Forget it! No, don't forget it! Seriously, switch the record off. Switch the record off, Switch the record off, Paul. What are you talking about?

What do they do? Let's do business with the bananas? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the their. their. their. their. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What.. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What, the. What, the. What, the. What, the. What, the. What, the. What, the. Oh, the. Oh, the the the thethey do? Oh... Let's do business with the bananas? Yeah. So they said well rather than them coming robbing them, we'll flog them. So that got to stop to it then. The monkeys came, they didn't have money. He said, give us some bananas. And it says, uh, so what, they exchanged bananas for bananas?

For berries and nuts. So that's where the phrase monkey business. No! No, it's that. No, no, it's come from. Right, there, oh, God. That's the end of that as well. So that's the end of Rockbusters and Monkey News. Well done. You've done it in one show. Go. Oh, chimpanzees up, monkey news.

Excellent. So monkey news time on XFM. Carl Pilkington, a man in the hot seat. Carl, what have you got for us? Okay, uh, Monkey News this week. Um, we've covered a lot of stuff. We have indeed. Now, do you know, like, there's places where you can go for like, weekend rests and stuff?

Sure. You can, you're relaxed, you're sitting in in a little spa you might have a swim and stuff well they've got a place done for monkeys. Of course they have. Right they can go there they can relax forget about all the stuff they've got going on in their head. They can have a manicure it's got nice meals. It's not called a manicure it's called a chimper cure. Beauty treatments, right? Look good and stuff. Yeah, well look good feel good, yeah. Now you might think well that's pretty normal. Well the bit I don't tell you about is it's actually run by a couple of chimps.

Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! You're a mani! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! You're a maniac! Oh my Christ! Let's just... How do you have a couple of chimps? Of course it's not!

No, no, no, it is, because think about it. What do you mean, yes it is! Of course it's not run by a couple of chimps. What do they do? Get alone. Right. If a chimp wants to have a rest, yeah. Where would you go to a place that's run by humans that don't, don't they don't know what chimps needs are? No! My point is this. How did I don't know what we need, a spa. I think it started off quite simple, right? Just, you know, basic, basic stuff. I don't believe it expanded every time because it's become so popular? It's gone mental down there.

Sure. They've all worried about it. Now the thing is, the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem the problem the problem the problem the problem the problem problem problem is the problem problem problem problem the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the problem is the top and bottom of it, right? God, Christ. The problem is, it's been going on and on and on, right? It's been, it's been earning a lot of money and stuff. The monkeys are happy. The monkeys that go there are loving it, they're telling friends and stuff, they're all coming to it. Now the problem is, it's this little monkey, little man monkey, a little woman, right? the the the the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, they they they they're a they're a little monkey, they're a little monkey, they're a they're a little monkey, their their their the monkey, their monkey, their monkey, their monkey, their monkey, their monkey, their monkey, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, thoomki, the monkeys, the monkeys, the monkeys, the monkeys, thoomkoomk, the monkeys, the monkeys, thoomk, thoan, the monkeys, the monkeys, the monkeys, their, the monkeys, their, the monkey, their, their, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, the monkey, their, their, thoan, thoomki. The monkey, thoanan, thoananan, thoan, thoan, their monkey, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoanananananananananananan monkeythey can play her own if they want. Well the problem is they're not married. Right? Now the

lad monkey, fella monkey, he's getting quite old and the problem is because it's his name that's down on all the all the forms to let him finish. I'm getting scared now. Let him finish. It's his name on the business and the problem is, is his mrs is kind of like, what's going to happen? Sure. What are you getting this from? What are you getting this from? Internet. Oh, I don't know where to start. This is the gorgeous. This is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. So the problem is, the female monkey is the male monkey. She's worried what's going to happen with the business? What's going to happen?

Right? Now, what do you mean the business? The health bar? It's a joke. Rick, you're not listening? His name is, it's in his name. Now the problem is, the woman monkey has got th. the the th. the thi. thi. the thi. thi. the the thi. thi. their their their their thi. their their thi. their thi. their the. their their their their the. the. their their their their their, the male, the male, the male, the male, the male, the male, the male, the male, the male. the male, the male. the male. the male. the male. the male. the male. the male. the male. the male. the male. the m. their, their, their, their, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the. the. the male monkey is. the woman monkey has got some kids, but because they're not blood relatives, it's not going to be handed down to them. And the course...

What their kids from a previous monkey marriage? Yeah. Right. So they're not going to get it. Let me just check this out. Yeah, otherwise you don't want to check the facts. Otherwise, you could it you could it you could it you you could it the the facts you could it could it could it could it could it could it could it could it could the facts. It could the facts. It could the facts. It could the facts. It could the facts. It could the facts. It could the facts. It could the facts. It could their their this out. Yeah otherwise you don't want to check the facts otherwise you could look like a twit or spouting shit on the radio. Please check the facts for scientific security. They're just a bit worried because they're saying that the people in Ohio which is where they've got the the little health thing

going on. So it makes it more believable this Ohio. I thought you meant it was Barkshire in which case it would be rubbish. It looks like the local people are trying to get in there, they've seen the success of it. Sure. And they're trying to go and take it over and stuff. Yeah. So... Give me the piece of paper. Throw it away.

Play record. That's the time that most people I imagine have been waiting for. Monkey News. Play the jingle. Okay. Oh chimpanzee that monkey news. All right. Come on. Come on. Should be ready. It's amazing in it. It's like Nicholas Wichel. Um, oh, the bomb. No, what's not the first. Um, come on? Come on! Should be ready, kind. It's amazing, isn't it? Nicholas Wichel. Oh, the bomb. No, what's not the first? Come on! No, it's always difficult in it, to sort of find something that's good each week, right? Last week, we did the chimps. It is for us, yeah. We had the chimps who were running a health spa. Right. We've covered the one who nicked the car to go on to to go on the to gop. the to gop. the the to go on the their stuff. their stuff. to go on. their. their. th. th. their. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. that's that's that's thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's the the. It's the thate. It's the thate. It's the. It's the. It's thate. It's that's thi. It's ththe car to go on to Spain. Wow, all shite.

The hairdresser, I think he's, you know, we've done that one, the little monkey hairdresser. So this week we're looking at monkeys that they're using... Do you know like monkeys? They know how like... I've left the will to live, Steve. Well, I don't want to do it. Like, well come on, just... Come on! What a monkey's good at?

What a monkey's good at? Yeah. Well, running small businesses, cutting people's there, driving cars. Yeah, they love Spain. Oh and foiling bank robberies. Yeah, they're great. Well something else they're obstacles on it, right, they go that sort of yeah I can get over that and I climb over that, I'll swing from there to there, that sort

of thing, right? Okay. So the people in charge of somewhere, I've thought we can use that, we can use that skill, right? And what they've done is they've got a load of little monkeys, right? They've given an IQ test, and the ones that score above 80, right? Get to produce this show next week. Join the Army. Join the army. Right, how do they join the army and what do they do? They just, what they do is they set little obstacle courses up for them. They do that, they do a cross-country run, they do the actual tea test run. Yeah, okay. And then once they've done all that, they make them a little uniform,

made to measure little uniform. Slightly longer arms, shorter legs than usual, yeah. And basically then they try to use a gun and that sort of thing. Yeah, of course they are. You're talking about me again? This came through literally pretty late on so. So you've not had a while they're doing it. Why are they doing it? Yeah Why do we need monkeys in the army and secondly why are we giving them guns? I'll just check to see if any of that I don't we only let gays in recently Yeah Yeah, um. Talk about. Just talk about. Just have a rubbish. They don't get it. Again. It's the way that there are things. the the the the the the the the th. the the th. the th. the th. the the th. the th. th. the the the the the th. the th. the the they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they. they. they they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they're. they're. the they're. they. they. they. they. they. they. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. they're. Why. Why. Why. pressure. But it's rubbish. But it's rubbish.

They don't get, again it's the way that there are things, there are animal cores, right? There are horses, there are dolphins, sea lions. You know, there are lots and lots of animals in the army, but they don't have to pass an obstacle test as such and they're not taught to fire guns. You've straight away assumed that they're going to be, there's going to be loads of squads and men and then just one little monkey in the middle. Like you know he's came second on the test. He's in, he's in boys. What do you think Steve, you've read it? Well as ever Carl, this is an arbitrary email sent by one of our listeners you know what Ricky and I think of them

and so we're not really basing this on hard evidence we're basing it on the ramblings of one of our listeners. Rubbish once again lazy rubbish uncooperated nonsense the stupid test that you got wrong Rick that sounds like monkey news to me. Play the jingle. Uh, oh chimpanzee that monkey news. Ha! Excellent. A particularly aggressive jingle this week. Wow. Yeah, looking forward to this monkey news.

Carl. Right. So what's the name? What? We've done, what? What? What? We've done a lot of monkeys who like got involved in crime and stuff. We had the one on the train station, Nick in a bag. We had the one who went into a bank.

Went into a bank and walked out with the money and stuff. Yeah, it didn't happen either. Next. But the thing is you never sort of found out what happened to them if they sort of got worse, got more involved in to crime and stuff. Oh is this monkey news update? Brilliant. What they found out in India is, yeah. It's got a prison, it's just for monkeys. Ha ha ha ha ha. You mean wild animals? You mean they... Yeah, a zoo or a kennel or something that where they've, they've, it's been gunmental or something? Yeah, does it have fraud cases?

It's got, it's mainly, mainly sort of animals that are attacked things. It's mainly violence I bet. That and that and Feth say it again say it again Feth say it again Feth say it again Robin no let's go back to the that word we're gonna keep doing it you've got we've got six minutes you're gonna say the word right before you go to Hastings well do you say it well no no all right Robin it's been caught Robin say it tho so uh they've got the prison the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the they're the they're they're they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th th they th th they th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th th th that that that that that the the the the the the the the the the the the the thy thi thy the, Robin then, it's been caught Robin. Say it again though. Who's Robin? So, uh, they've got this prison, right?

This is extraordinary. Say it again. No, you're not going to say it? No, go on then. So they got a prison for him, right? And there's 11 of them in there, 11 monkeys, that are in there for life. Because that's, I think there's one just got out on parole, right? No time off the bed.

But there's 11, I'll give you the bit of paper because I thought this was... Now Carl, what are they in there for then? Because I mean they're in there for life so I'm assuming it's murder is it? Premeditated murder? They're not crime bosses are they? They're not? Are they that kind of prostitution and gambling and they're sure they're not they're just the pawns and their head sort of like a ranger tang's up a tree going, remember you don't know me?

You don't know me. You're on the their go down you're all coming with me. Take some of your guerrillas down there and sort him out. Oh, the great banana robbery. I wonder if they get them. Right, go on then. Okay, let me see. Now, I don't know what source this is, as ever.

Is it ever step back to the back of a far bag that found in a toilet? Well no, I mean someone's clear, if this is nonsense, then someone's clearly gone to a lot of effort because it does open with the headline, Parole Unlakey for Inmates of Monkey Prison. Yeah! Officials say 11 inmates at India's only Monkey monkey jail are unlikely to ever be released. The prison in Patilia houses monkeys apprehended by game wardens in Punjab state for thieving and attacking people. The Daily Telegraph reports how the monkeys at the prison in Monty Bauer, blah, blah,

snarl and glaric visitors from their heavily barred cages. Two monkeys were released a year ago after exhibiting good behavior for 18 months in the jail. They have remained out of trouble. Prison can wear it, that's good. So basically they were aggressive wild animals that were taken away from the public for their own good. I'm robbing and that. Wildlife officials believe part of the problem has been caused by thieves training monkeys to help them. Lorry drivers training monkeys as guards for vehicles and itinerant entertainers using ill-treated monkeys as part of that. It's the monkey that takes the rap. It's a shame

that isn't it? That is awful. They didn't know what they were doing? Did they? What would you, if you could visit them like Lord Longford or something? That's, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, th. th. That, th. That, th. That, th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, thi, theat, theat, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to to to to teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, train Oh, so there you go. What do you think of that though, Carl? What would you, if you could visit them, like Lord Longford or something, what would you, what would you save them? You go there and they, you get a visit a week or something, you know? So can you get as a video? All right. Do they get conjugal rights? Do you get con He wouldn't be interested in that there, would you? What? What? Would you be happy to give them their conjugal rights?

Yeah, would you? Fair enough. All right. Off to Hastings. See the later. See the wheynesty. Why, the jingle. It's the big one is what people tune in for, at, they probably tune in about at, they, they, they, they, they, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at hear the jingle? Only four to go.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news. All right, this one's about a, it's been emailed into me. Right. I haven't really had time to check it out this week. No, you're joking. Ooh, I hope it's not stupid. Um, goes back to 1908 and the person saying it's you know it's a good story in that and they're surprised they haven't picked up on it yet right the

Olympics right in 1908 in London apparently it was meant to happen in Italy but it was cancelled don't know why right and it happened in London anyway 400 meters right it was meant to to the? And it happened in London. Anyway, 400 meters, right, it was meant to, there's a fella who was going to do the run, right, and the favourite to win it was this Bulgarian guy, right? It was like a new tongue. Okay, these are a few things it cannot be. One, he injures himself so a monkey,test it turns out that he is a monkey. So if it's either of those, right, I'm going to go mad. So anyway, so the fella, right, this favourite, everyone's putting the money on him, thinking,

yeah, he's going to do it, we're going to put the horse, is he a bloc, is he's going to, is he hairy? So anyways. So anyways, so the race, so the race, so the race, so th. So, so th. So, so th, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I. So, so, I. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, the race. So, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race, the race,'s saying yeah he's going to win, he's going to win, then suddenly a bit of murmuring going on, people going on, what's going on here? Right, he's eating a bananas? And there's a fella, there's a fellow in the lane next to him, right? Right, it's a fella, he's up. He's not familiar, he's going on? What's going on? What is it? Who is it? I mean, not what is it? So they go in... So they say, well, he might not be that any good. Do you know what I mean? He might not be? He might not be good, do you know what I mean? He might not be? It's a bit. He's weird, yeah. Race starts, the fellow that no one recognises, wins it, people go, what's going on here? Yeah, sure. Do you know what I mean?

We have our money on the favourite, what's gone on? Who is this guy? Anyway, he's stood up there, right? He's looking well happy. He's lifting the trophy and everything. Right? Right. Long arms, long arms, long arms. that, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, that, long, that, that, that, long, that, that, that, long, that, that, that's. that's, long, long, long, that's, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's, what's. their. their. their. their. th. It's. It's. It's. It's. their. What's. It's. What's. It's. What's. their. their. What's. nine foot in the air with those long arms. It's not suspicious, go on. They had the picture on the paper the next day and everyone's going now. Yeah, he was fast and everything but quite hairy for a run. Oh for, I'll tell you all. Come on. It's ridiculous. Normally the shave themselves don't it to make them faster and they're wins the stuff, he walks away with a cup, the people who are in charge of the running or like the Olympic Committee look further into it. Turns out it was a chimp.

Right, keep talking. Now, don't keep talking. Shut up! Shut up! This is monkey news. chimp winning the Olympics. What happened there then? 400 meters, right? Now the thing is... Don't talk shit. The only thing was it took so long for the Olympic Committee, right, to find out that it was a monkey. It was going, it was like going, like manic. It went into loads of races, he was picking up loads of like... No shut up! Right! It became a celebrity. It was doing endorsements to win the same race four the the the the the th for th for th for th for th for th. th. th. thic th. thic thic thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. Please thi. Please thi. Please thi. Please thi. Please thi. Please thi. Please the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' the o' thi. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. tip. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. took took. took the o'. Don't talk shit.

It said he managed to win the same race four years later in Athens because... How did it get the way? What is it's a joke? They're winding you up, Carl? Weird. It's not weird. Right. I do not believe it. Nearly there, but, you know, we're working on a watch with the grand finale.

The bit where Carl spouts absolute nonsense from a dodgy source on the internet about a monkey who did something impossible. Let's cue up the jingle. Hang on. All right, perfect. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news! Yuff! Right.

Let's have a look. This one's from a woman, right? And she was taking part in the London's and Brighton bike ride. Lovely day, weather's good and everything. What year? She's just a couple of months ago. She's done all the training, right? She's done all the training and stuff, done all the training and stuff, got a brand new bike for it, got a little puncher outfit and stuff, all set for the day, right? It's a nice day she sets off, they all start pedaling and that on the way to Brighton, right? So she knows the route and that, got a little headphones on, cycling along. Suddenly. Right, okay, I'm sorry now. If a cyclist overtakes her and it's going really fast and it's sort of hunched over but it's got like lots of cycling

gear on a helmet and goggles and they can't tell what it is but they just know it's a like a little hairy fella who hasn't bothered shaving his legs which is weird because cyclists usually shaved their legs and this had really hairy legs but and it won they gave it the medal they gave it the key it the key it the key the key the key the key the key the key the key the key to to to the key the key the key to the key the key to the the the their their their their their their their their their their. their their their. their. I I. I. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I I I I's. I I I I I's. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. I I. I I. I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. C. C. C. C. C. I'm. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. ttte. I but and it won they gave it the medal it won three years running they gave it the key to the city at its own game show and then someone said hold on though this fella's all hunched over and he's only three four five and his arms are longer than his body it's a chimp if it goes anywhere near that we're never doing it again more monkey use next week she's cycling along? And this tricycle...

I couldn't predict that. There's always one element you can never anticipate. Yeah, yeah. Got a kid's tricycle with a little kid on it. Little hairy kid with a helmet. Okay, just go on then. The tricycle comes with a whizzing parts. Yeah, strong legs, isn't there, Jims. So, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she, so she. So, so she, so she, so she. So, so she. So, so she, so she's. So, so she's. So, so she's. So, she's, she's, she's, so, so, she's, that, that, that, that, that, th. So, she's. So, she. that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she. So, she's. So, she's. So, she's. So, she's. So, she's. thi. So, she's. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. So, she's. So, she's. then. The tricycle comes... Whizzing parts. Yeah, strong legs, isn't there, Jim?

So she's thinking that, but didn't get a chance to see the things. Oh yeah, couldn't quite see the cyclist! Ha ha ha ha! You, oh god! You bold mank get. Go on. Yeah, research, scientist, Carl Pilkin. So anyway, she gets to the end line, right? And they got talking that, so it was a nice day, nice race and all that. He said, did you see a little thing on a tricycle?

Thing! Well, what, well, person? Sure, just a human. Did you see that, no, did you see that bloke on the bicycle? So anyway, turns. Well, no, they're suspicious. I mean, what did you say, did you see that fellow on a tisicle? Anyway, so it turns out, go on. It was a chin. You're joking! Well, Christ all mighty, there you go. Unbelievable. And it was the chin pull along. So anyway, right, so the woman's like, um, we're never doing this again. Right. There's nothing. She checks out X-FM monkey. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's? There's nothing on it. She checks out XFM Monkin News. Right, I can't stop me there again. Right? If it turns out, she doesn't the news, right? And the circus goes, we're looking for our chimp, it used to ride

this tricycle and it escaped with police chasing it. So she listened to XFM, see if I picked up on the story. Yeah sure. I didn't didn't have I didn't then then then then then thuuu se thu s didn't thu s didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't thu. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't their it their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thu. She thu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't tu. She doesn't true. She doesn't true. She doesn't touch with the organisers of the London to Brighton bike ride to look, throw a little airy fella. Why does she care? She wanted to know she thought it was a today. Well, what was a chimp, they weren't happy about it because now the owner of the chimp wants to enter it into the Tour de France. Ha ha! No! No'm going to die! Oh God! In 2005. Now, a couple of questions. I trust you'll be able to answer these.

Oh God! Steve, help me out. How did it get hold of the tricycle? I don't know. Okay, no, that's fine. That's not important. What's it out with Steve? He doesn't know that's fine, that's not important. What's it that's important? What's it out with you, Steve, he doesn't know that! How did it know to...

Well, firstly how did it know which way to cycle, but more importantly, how did it know there was a major bike ride? Just following the crowd, Steve, what's the matter with you? The owner of it had to do the Tour de France in 2005. No it doesn't. But there's something about animal rights. If they don't let it enter, they can kick up a bit of a full. No! The animal rights is that it's cruel to make a cheap ride of bicycle! Not that it's prejudice, there it go, is it because I is hairy? You idiot! You idiot! Wow that is the worst one. That that. That that. That is that. That is that. That is th. That is th. That is th. That is th. That is th. That is th. That is th. th. the worst. the worst. the worst. the worst. the the worst. I the the the the the, that is the worst, that is the worst one yet. Absolute twoddle.

Absolute rubbish, Carl. Have you got a tricycle? Unbelievable. Steve. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey that's that monkey news Okay, monkey related news from Clark Pilkington. Right, uh, do you know the monkey that went into space? Yeah.

Yep. It happened in 1958, right? Now you know that? Yeah. Yes. What did he do next? What did he do next? One appearance on Celebrity Square and it was like forgotten.

Yeah, it's just like Rick Waller. I'll tell you what happened. He got back and all that. He got it. He got it. Heroes welcome? NASA sort of said, you know, he did a good job. He's trowned him up.

And that's where a lot time we've trained him up and stuff so he's like you know he's saying sure sure you know I've learned a lot I've still got it all I've kept it all I know what to do so they said right well you use you so it turned into like a trainer at NASA we want to send you out on the top of an organ yeah yeah yeah on this little this this this this this this this this this this this this the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the te. the the the te. the the the the the te. the the the try. the the the toy the I'll have a go. So it was, they were getting in new monkeys, you know, the main man at NASA was saying, can you teach you is the same, of course I can. Do you know what I mean? I remember it all I know what's going on, I'll tell on what button to press, what to do in here? I don't know the story, Carl. And I might embarrass myself here.

You've got an army of people out there that would probably send me an equally deranged email from a different website. But I'm pretty sure, when they sent the monkey into space, it was to monitor his physiology. He didn't, he didn't press any buttons or learn to dock or take off. It was just the effects of weightlessness and space on basically a primate. I'm pretty sure he was tied in with electrodes to his head. So, well, yeah, I'm pretty sure. But even if that were the case and he had learned to press one or two very basic buttons. Definitely not.

But even if it were the case, I'm pretty certain they wouldn't have brought him back to to to to to to to to to to to to to weight to the to weight the to the to weight him back to the the to the weight to the weight to their their their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight weight weight weight weight their weight weight weight weight their weight weight weight their weight their weight the effect their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight their weight to to their weight to to to their weight to to t or two very basic button. Definitely not. But even if it were the case, I'm pretty certain they wouldn't have brought him back to train up Neil Armstrong. Right, definitely, but go on. But go on. In going, Neil, what are you going to say, what you're going to say, when you come out? Yeah, yeah, I was that I was just gonna say I'm on the moon it's great to be here I wish you were here I got I think so then yeah go on anyway basically you got back they sorted him out with a nice pension he was happy because of like the rank that you got he was like you

know he had loads of medals and stuff he said right well make him a colonel he got that he got like I said he got a pension. I was at end, he died in 1969 and he was buried with his wife. He passed away. I'm sure it just goes on to a different website about something completely different. You're talking about Buzz Aldrin. Yeah, his page is missing.

Oh dear. So, well well that Carl I'm like if someone could call in Did they train like of the dog to sort of like you know dock and re-ent try? They didn't bother they didn't even bother they just sent him up there and they did have to bring him back and they just went yeah that's brilliant well I can do that yeah yeah amazing. Yeah wasn't that Carl rubbish isn't it? they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they? They they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th th th thi thi thi thi to thi to thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi they just just just just just just just. Wasn't that Carl? Rubbish, isn't it? It's not right down a bit. But the little monkey made a kernel? Hero. Big hero? What was he in? What

was he in? What craft was he in? Sputnik? Just hang on a minute. He was in, um, Jupiter AM. Let me see that piece of paper. Yeah, I can guarantee there's nothing there about his training other than let's hope he's not sick on the control panel when we shoot him up at 400 G's. Oh dear. I love the fact that you think that this monkey was a high... Do you know what I mean? When you think of these things that are they in the monkey's face, do you think of the planet of the apes? Like they're sort of talking sort of chimps and gorillas and they're in tunics on the horseback with snub-nosed rifles? What do you think of? Just a little monkey getting on with it? He knows his job he knows what he's got to do, he gets on with it.

Look, he's pressed the button. What's him press the button? This tax me back. Do you remember 1965 I think it was? We're going to use him to train other DJs. I'll say it then. Goodbye. Thanks. Cheers. This rash is weird. Oh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News! Right, they were filming a documentary, right? This tele company. You know, documentary? Which one? Which one? Which one? No, right. What was the documentary about? Not monkeys. Yeah. Where was it?

Where was it? Where was it? Where was this? I haven't got a date? Okay, recently though since they haven't tell it was obviously. Yeah, yeah. Actually, a bit of extra monkey news if you want it. Okay, always. Do you know the monkey news extra? Go on. Do you know the Halford's ads? Halfords, I don't think so know what happens? Alford's, they've, you know, they sell nuts and bolts and stuff. Right. Uh, they're they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've, they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they're they're they're the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, they sell nuts and bolts and stuff. Right. They were using monkeys in the ads. Okay. Yeah. And what happened?

Don't they sell bikes, Alfred's? Well, mainly. Bicycles and motorbike stuff in that. Okay, so, yeah, so they're using monkeys in the advert? What? I can't handle it. What? I can't do this. Look at him. I don't care what he's doing.

And it was basically, right? They've, there was a load of assu because they were using these monkeys in this alphet advert? Yes. Right. And what happened? Get to the point? It turned out there wasn't a problem because they were mechanics mechanics mechanics mechanics first place. What are they were monkey mechanics? Yeah. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? That's not a story. Anyway, listen, let's get back from the first place. All right, so they're making this documentary, right? And stumble across a little gang of, gang. Come on! Just... Get on with it, please. Little Ganga Monkeys.

That's the first sound of a laugh, don't hear that. I know, well brilliant, what do you want a cake? Come on! Can we play a song? Oh, I don't understand what is wrong with you, you freak. It's making me laugh. Tell us the story! All right. So anyway, right, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, so there, there, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, there, please, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there. there. there. there. there. there. there. there. there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's th. tho tho tho tho tho there's there's thi. there's there's freak it's making me laugh just tell us the story all right so anyway right so this this documentary made they found a little gang of monkeys like play a song I don't know what's going on here I apologize

got a hide you love away according to the Beatles on XFM one of four four point nine I'm looking to raise with me Steve Merchant right Carl where where where everyone's composed the jingle please oh on XFM, 104.9 I'm looking at your voice with me, Steve Merchant. Right, Carl, come on, Monkey News. Everyone's composed, a jingle, please. Oh, chimpanzee that, monkey news. Excellent. Okay. Right, where were we?

We would just start again. There's some people making a documentary. For what? Okay, for a documentary in, uh, in a jungle on that. Right. Stumble across a little. thoomomomomomom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. th. th. to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to to too. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. too. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. th. thin. th. th. thin, th. th. thin, th. tooo. too. too. too. too. too. too. to. jungle and that. Right. Stumble across a little gang. Okay, come on. Alright. Um, a little gang of monkeys? Yeah. Come on.

So the camera crew are there filming it. Yes. Everything's going normal. Nothing odd about it. Okay. They're not running a restaurant, they've not got any barber shops, nothing. Just regular monkeys going about the business, yeah. So anyway, what normally happens is the monkeys stay with the partner.

They don't sort of sleep around in that. Once they find the girlfriend or the boyfriend or whatever, they stick with them right? But anyway, they were watching this one, right? And it's going around a bit, sleeping around. Oyy. And it was getting fatter. They thought, this is a bit odd. Yeah. Right?

So I followed it around. And see it having it away. Turns out, monkey prostitute. It was getting fatter because it was charging him bananas. What was it? A woman, banana's. What was it? A woman, a monkey. That's the most extraordinary monkey's I've ever heard. Oh, that is genius. It was a woman. Woman. That's the most extraordinary monkey's I've ever heard. Oh! That is genius. It was a that's getting. It was a that. It was a that's getting. It was getting, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it was getting th th thatter, it was thatter, it was getting thatter, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it that that that that that that that that that that that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was That's the most extraordinary monkey news I've ever heard. Oh, that is genius!

Has this documentary been televised? I don't think it's been on yet. No, and that's all the information you've got. Yeah. And is that, that's one banana for everything? Now half a banana is for a poor job. Right. If you want full-blown monkey sex, it is two and a half-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-woman- for everything? The half a banana is for a poor job. If you want full-blown monkey sex, it is two and a half bananas. Sure, so let's just play a song.

Anyway, it's what everyone's been waiting for. It's what the last time it's monkey news. Oh, chimpanzee that! Munky news. Right, are you familiar with Undruth monkey? The what? Undruth monkey? Undrith?

Yeah, like as in like, one more than 99th? 100th monkey. Yeah, are you familiar with that? No. No. Uh, any. Anyway, thanks, that was monkey. What do you mean I'm going to leave that?

Well, I thought it was a popular phrase or something. What, what, what, what, why? What do you mean the popular phrase with it next week? We've said it was before, 100th monkey? No, it's just it says the expression 100th monkey. Well, do it anyway. What's the story? Well it's from the 1950s, th. What it's from, w w. What it's from, the the the th. What, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what their, what their, what their, what their, what, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what th, what their, what their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, what their, what their, what their, what their, what the 1950s, right? And the way they got it, because they were following some monkeys about, right? And they started... Who was? Who was? Who was it? Who was? Journalists? Oh yeah, why? Just to say what they're up to me, right? Okay. So they're following some monkeys around, yeah.

What was it? What, what, a documentary? Anyway, one of them... Come on! One of them washed some potatoes. Right? Okay. Right, let's leave that, right? What is it? What is it? Come on.

A monkey washing potatoes? Can we leave that one? No! You've got to do it now. They're following a, what is it? Is it a family? It was just one chimp and it was washing a potato and he thought that's a bit odd, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. It turns out that that ended up teaching another monkey how to wash a potato. No they do it, they go down and wash them in

the sea because they like the taste of salt and it's... The weird thing is though, when it got to the hundredth monkey right, right? Even th th th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho, th, th, that, that, tho, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, that that thou, that the, the, the, thou, the, the, the, thoooooooooooooo, to to to th. It knew what to do. What do you mean? It was in them. It was in them that they knew that when they get a potato they had to wash it. That isn't the monkey news. I'm just saying that's where the expression come from, but you're only even heard of that. Well, there's a couple of things there. That could be another upshot and instinct is part of your genetics is anything else but you can't pass on acquired characteristics so that's nonsense if you mean that someone was taught they had a child and it knew it there's no there's no chemical memory as such in so that was weird now the monkey news you know we've covered a lot of stuff they were sad sad stuff won't they yeah yeah there's some

funny stuff in there, you know. Yeah, yeah. Do monkey news! Playing the football team. A monkey football team? Yeah, in Costa Rica. Oh yeah. Uh, got all the, uh, got all the team members here, right?

All the different things. Um, little goalkeeper, apparently he's on transfer from some other club. But the bit that got me attention is, apparently he's a holder of PhD of physics. Do you want to have both of that? Well, I believe that he's got a better exam results than you, Carl? their goalkeeper? Yeah, just the girl. The other hasn't done that much. Well, I believe he's got a better exam in the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thea theastern theastern thee thee theastern theastern theastern theastern theastern theastern th better exam results than you Carl but I don't believe he's got a PhD in physics. Obviously... Do you know what the name of the team is? What? What? What? What is this? Oh? So if the telegraph are listening, that is the sort of quality entertainment you get? Where's the monkey news? It's been a bit quiet and I've been... What in the last three months?

There was something that I found last week about one that was in an old people's home. It escaped from some zoo, it was wondering about, it's enjoying itself and then when it got to the night time it was like, oh, what am I going to do? And the first place it came across was like this old people's home. Went in there, I think it was there for about a week and a half without anyone realizing. No, no, no, no. No, it did. So the helpers and the nurses and the social workers and the matrons and all that they thought well Mr. Sanders looks a bit hairy but I mean that happens you know it comes out your ear and your nose when you get to about 70 and he stooped over yeah of course he has he got bolegs yeah and he eats more fruit of course he does

well that's when they that's when they realized why because someone in the kitchen said I'm gonna get the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they's their their their their their their is is is is their their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's they's they's they's they's the the they's the the the the the the the they's the they's the they's they's they's they's they's they's they's the kitchen said hang on a minute getting through more bananas than we know. What else you got? Monkey News. Right, let's do monkey news. You want to do it now? Yeah. Oh, we might as to have some monkey news. Let's have some monkey news.

You made enough noise there, really? Sorry, well, sometimes I'd like to move around,. Well, let's have the jingle. We've not heard it for a while. Oh Chimpanzee that monkey news, you're right. I haven't read this through properly. So I'm not. What do you mean you haven't made it through? Basically, right? It's about problems with chat rooms and that, right? the new it's like a new way of meeting people and that in it now, chat rooms, you get on there, you can have a chat room, you can have a chat. If you say someone was having a meeting with someone, they wanted to meet it. Right, okay, but there is not an animal in the world that can't operate.

Right, it doesn't want to divorce, Bobo. You say that monkeys can do Shakespeare if they're given the time. No, that's not it. Let's not get into the old Shakespeare monkeys. Please let's not get into that debate again. It's about infinity. So this one, this one, so this chat room, and the thing is we chat room, it is thapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapap is th, it's th, it's th, it's th, it's th, it's th, it's tho, it's tho, it's tho, it's tho, it's not their their tho, it's not that, it's not tho, it's not their their their their their their their their their their their, it's not their, it's not their, it's not their, it's their, it's their, it's their, it's th. th. th, it's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, tho, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, thoooomomoomoomorrow, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys, it's not thooooooooomomooomo. than, it's th chat room right and the thing is we chat rooms you have like a big boss who's looking over it and making sure nothing dodgy is going on right right so certain keywords come up and that's not doctor's ass right so anyway they were they were looking over it trying to look for dodgy stuff but they kept coming over like really strange things like instead of saying do you want me in a restaurant or bar? Right? It'd be like Do you eat a tree? What tree do you want to meet?

Right, okay. Are you shooting off? Yeah, I'll see you that anyway. I've just listened to the end of it anyway. You're an idiot. You're an idiot if you're an idiot if you're you're an idiot if you're? I'm just telling you what's what's what's what's what's what's what's what's what's what's the the tell. to to to to to to to to the to to to told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. to me. to me. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. What's. the. the. to. to. to. the. to. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. nearly, you're, okay, well I don't know the PC term for this, so I really apologize, you're nearly retarded in some aspects. And instead of sort of saying where something's sexy, they'd say, make sure you bring plenty of bananas and stuff like that. Right, you're talking absolute, okay. Are you making up the monkey news now because you can't find it And instead of saying should we get married, they're saying how swollen and red is your ass? You're a stupid fool. Do you know that was me?

Have we got monkey news? Have we left monkey news behind? Monkey News? Come on! What? What? What? What?

What? . .. Yeah, theymeau. It's about a monkey going off with a woman. The Charlotte Rampling thing where she... It's a film of Max Monomura. Yeah, she has an affair with the monkey. Yeah. Oh, what happened? You wouldn't like it? You wouldn't like it. It's not like, it's weird and you wouldn't... Carl, it's not like a nature program where he wears a bowler hat and can talk.

Okay. The nature programs that you seem to see. Yes, I'm trying to think I haven't seen that one. No, yeah, go on, do monkey news this week. Play the Chimpsie, that monkey news, yeah. Right, it's about this monkey that was knocking about in the 1950s. Right. Just, it was known in the LA area, right. And apparently, again, I haven't really checked all this out, I've just picked up bits, that, that's interesting. Yeah.

Um, wore a golden mask and like a cape and a leopard skin belt and stuff, right? So people didn't know. He was a monkey. Of course they didn't know, yeah. He just thought, they thought it was this bloke who's going around and he was helping out crime situations and stuff. Right, you're an idiot. So one, this disguise that you see a three foot six bloke with arms the length of his body. No, well that's the funny thing, right?

They knew, they sort of thought, it's a belt. And a distinctive jawline and stuff. And then apparently, he used to sort of get to his... Nothing we say, get through does it? You've decided you can picture this month and go around Southern crimes and it's telling you. Let him finish the story. Time's running it. So it sort of get to its crime by like swinging from the trees and stuff, but people just thought it's a normal fella. Of course. Then what happened was, he helped, this is a bit that's going to annoy me isn't it? He helped some fellas out, like, you know, and for a reward, they were like, do you want

some money? You know, you've helped save our lives during a crime and stuff? Do you want some money and that? And he just went straight for the shopping bags, got a couple of bananas and apples, right? And as he was bent down looking into the bag, getting their bananas and apples, they pulled his mask off, little monkey. So he wasn't allowed to work for the police anymore? It ended there. It ended there. Sure. Well, yeah, no. They got rid of monkey news. Was it? Oh, is that a monkey news? There's not like it's real news. You tell us stories about chimps from the 18th century. Don't give me nothing happened this week, you just didn't look at the internet. Did look. And there's no news, nothing happened.

There was one little bit of monkey news about, um, you can now buy tea. That's been picked by little chimps because it tastes good. That's what they're saying. Right, why does it taste good? What do they do to it? I don't know. It just annoyed me. Is it those chimps from the PGT for that? Well that's the thing everyone made a fuss about, you know that's cruel making them pick a piano up. Yeah. If I was a chimp I was a chimp I'm a chimp if what I mean? doing removals rather than standing in a field picking tea and that. I love it that this. He probably thought that was a documentary. He's thought it was a trailer for a Channel 4 program. Right, haven't got long you better give the winner. We've got monkey news coming up. We haven't really got any monkey news. What do you mean?

There's nothing going on seriously. Don't, what do you mean? The last few weeks I've been but don't tell you, right, right, this really annoys me you say there's something going on because you call it monkey news but it's not monkey, right? And it's often from the 18th century. So it's not news anyway, so don't tell me there's no monkey news this week. If there's monkey news worth doing, I'll know about it. And there isn't anything, so let's leave. Right, okay, you are going to give me some monkey news or... Well, their tellainthee. Right, well, their is their is their is their is their is their is their their their their tha. Okay, tha. Okay, than. Okay, than. their than. their their their than't, their their their is their is their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their news news news news news news news news news news news news news news news. their news. their news. their news. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm. ta. ta. ta. telle. tell. telle. tell. tell. tell me. their their their their their their their their their their tell. tell you, I'm telling you, you are going to give you some monkey news or we're not leaving. Right, well my ma'am sent me some, right? I got a little letter from her doing the usual sort of stuff telling me what she's been up to and that. It was a little thing about somewhere in Lincolnshire or something.

Right, good. Good. they do a bit of it was today won't it? And that fella got attacked by little monkey and that and the Something about chucking monkeys about. That's horrible. I don't know if they're real. I think it's just like to remember. All right. But that's that's the only sort of stuff that's knocking about. But it's not that's the man man man man man man man man man man man man man man their their their their their there. There their there. There. There. There's there. There's their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's they's they's they's they's they's they. they. they. they. they. they. they's they. they's they's they's they're. they're. th. th. they're th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. to. to to to to to to to to toda. to today. to to to today. tho. their thi. thi. their the only sort of stuff that's knocking about out there. But it's not, well that's not, I've got my ma'am and dad on it looking all the time. There must be more monkey news than that. There isn't nothing, I mean these bits and pieces, there's a bit about Donoreir, how when she has a kid she's going to let a gorilla look after, I don't know what that means. She's, uh, well that's it.

Well, it's not true. She's not going to let a gorilla look after a phone. Not that, apparently a fellow works with him or something. And, uh... This is rubbish! It's not rubbish! How can she let a gorilla look at her? I showed those looking the people saying monkey news all the time for Carl and I showed him one earlier which said there's a new monkey hospital that's been opened.

Carl, that's for the treatment of monkeys, right? But he immediately thought it was run by monkeys in white coat. Did he really? Yes, and he was disappointed because it wasn't. He was assuming there'd be little janitors, little janitors, mopping up. Carl? Little chimps chimps with the ECG machines or whatever they're called. Ah! Clear! Yeah, exactly. Brilliant. It was almost angry.

Yeah. Disappointed with it. And what's this about Donner Air, giving her baby to a gorilla for a week? It happened. No, it didn't happen. She had a baby. They went on the honeymoon. They left left to left to left to left to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to it to a little gorilla to look at it. Don't talk! Absolutely! Don't talk! Oh God! There's people online now so they can have a look at on and over.

Do you want to give her some stuff away? He believes it and that's it! But the more these things sort of like pop up come true, the more worrying it is, the more worrying it is, th is, th is, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho.. Oh, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the is, the more worrying it is for everyone. Imagine if Donnera had left her baby to a gorilla. It's absolutely, it's libelous. It's libelous. It's libelous. Someone will send it in a bit and then you'll feel daft again. So I'm not even worrying about it. Okay. So that's pretty much that.

Is there time for monkey news I think we got to have monkey news and then that second track from the Ryan Adams let's play the jingle them if we can oh chimpanzee that monkey use right now it's back in the 1980s right so it is quite topical then when did this happen then 1980s yeah yeah it's about a Colombian F1 sort of Formula One driver. Apparently these races were going on, right? And someone kept winning them. Right, okay, forget it. Forget it. No, don't do it. It's rubbish. Because it's rubbish. Right, so someone kept winning the races. So this, this someone, this human, that kept winning the race, so this human being that kept winning

the races, Carl, what was his name? His name is it? It's Jimmy something. I told him. I'll tell you. Was he about four-eight? Might find out if I tell you the story. So anyway, he kept winning and everyone was like, oh he's brilliant this guy who is

he and all that. But his gimmick, right? Was never showing, never showing his body on face? That's right, never took his helmet off. You are an idiot. Never took his helmet off, right? You know, you know the short trousers he used to wear, you know his trousers were about a foot long, but his shirt, their hehe's their he's their he he, he, he, he, he, he, th, th, th, th, th, th, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was never, was, was, was, was, was, was, was tho, was tho, was tho, was tho, was tho, was never was never was never was, was, was, was, was, was never, was never, was, was, was never, was, was never, was, was never, was, was, was, was never, was, was th. was, was, was, was th. was, was th. was, was th. was th. was th. was, was th. was tho, was tho, tho, their their their their tho, their tho-s tho-s, never tho-hea' was never tho-hea' was never tho-was never tho-was never thro-wasn-wasn, was never thr- shirt, the sleeves are really long. Anyway, right, so because he wouldn't take his helmet off, you an idiot? It was in, it was taking part in like the F3, which is like the lower ranks of Formula 1 and that.

Just get to it, just get to it. Everyone thought it was like a famous driver who's taking part in that. Anyway, what happened was there was a crash one day. And the car tipped tip tip tip tip the the the the the th the thip th the th is th is the th is th is th is th is thin thin thin thin' thin' thin' th. It was th. It was thin' thin' th. It was thin' thin' the. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th. It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was thin, it was thin, it was thin, it was the. It was the. It was thea' thea' thea' thea' thea' thea' thea' thea' thi thi. It was like, oh. He ran up a tree? So, expecting when he ran away with the ambulance people up a tree, sat eating a banana? So the marshals ran over and the ambulance people were there and they were about to take his helmet off. And the marshal was like, don't take his helmet off. They give away the secret. Yeah, definitely not. Okay, let's play Ryan Olo. Did he survive? Let me just have a question. Did he survive? Yeah, he was allowed to keep all the awards that he won. But he wasn't allowed to take part in any other races.

Yeah, didn't happen. This is Ryan Adams. We'll see you next week. Play the jingle. Oh, what is it? What is it? Chimpanzee? Chimpancy that? that, monkey, monkey, monkey. that, that, that, thian. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He. He. He? He? He. He? He? He? He? He's, th. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi last one of the year, it's not that good, but this has been going on all week. Yeah. Uh, Little Monkey. Um, what happened is, it's this plane, right? Air or Flot, I think it is, Russian airline. Uh, having a good flight, everything's going normal and that. This is going to be livaless.

The pilot, so- The pilot, the pilot, the pilot, how, how, the pilot, the pilot, the pilot, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thuuil, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, thirty, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, to, to mustn't interrupt my sign, how tall was the pilot on this flight? Okay, listen we've had a few complaints people saying don't interrupt, don't interrupt one can you. Okay, I won't then. It's like the weather girl complaining while Trevor McDonald's doing. Okay all right, go on then. All right so you know the flight's going well, food's been served and all the rest of it. Anyway, someone gets upset about not having many nuts. All right, they've not got nuts. They hand the nuts out and that. One of the sort of passengers is going mental. What was he saying? What is he saying? What language is he talking there? Is he Russian or English?

So anyway there's a bit of a fight going on? A fight starts happening people people are going what's up with that little hary bloc-heheheheheat? What's their their their th..... What's, what's, what's, what's, th. What's, th. What's, th. What's, th. What's, th. What's, th. What's, th. What's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, th. What's, th. What's, is, is their, is, is th. What's, is, is, is, is, is, is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their,'s up with that little fella? Right? The little hairy bloke. So they sort of dragging. What's wrong with Bob Oskins? And why is he screaming, why is he talking in this usual cockney accent? Why is Boboskin screaming and grabbing at nuts? So, um, you've ruined it. Oh, come on. Come on, come on. Oh, forget what I'm ruined. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the th. the the th. the th. the the the th. the thi is the the the the the the the the the the the they. they is he's they. they. they. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. What is is is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the is the is theeat. theat thea. theat thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. the. What is the. off, we can interrupt you. So anyway, so there's a fight going on. Nuts are going everywhere, right? So anyway, so they managed to tie him down, they get him on the floor, tie his legs up and that, right? His little legs.

Get him to the... Get him. Come on. Come on. to plane anyway. Why? His passport wasn't valid. Right? And you can't cause problems on planes and that. So he got put in a cell for a bit, turned out it was a little monkey. All right? Quick question. How did he complain about the shortage of nuts? Yeah. their question. How did he's going mental? thahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. How. How. How. How. How. How. How th. th. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta.. What did he get on the plane first place? What ticket did the app? Have a good Christmas and that?

But you know it's rubbish? You must know that's rubbish. You must know that's rubbish? All the best. All the best. thus. Where's he's about a monkey. Two-phosian four, four, four, four, four.

It's about this woman monkey who was born in 1834. Right? Half monkey, half woman. No. Not true. It happened. It was in the daily mail. All right? Okay. The Victorian ape woman was a name. Yeah, I christened this thing, Victorian ape woman. Well, we thought Sandra. No, I'm calling it Victorian ape woman. She was about four foot. No,

didn't happen. She had lovely thick black hair on her head and on the back of her legs. Yeah, yeah. Save stockings. Let's have a look. And she didn't need a bustle because of a huge ape like ass sticking out the back of her dress. She's good at reading and sewing. Well, good because they didn't have a posable thumbs. So, uh... She'd speak through languages. Yes.

Human, monkey and monkey human. 20 offers of marriage. Has that annoy you, Steve? Ha! of marriage. Does that annoy you Steve? Ah, absolute twaddle. That's more rubbish than your soul weighing out. Let's leave it there. Let's leave it there then. See you next week with some more twaddle.

I was worried we wouldn't have the old magic in 2004, but we're still talking shit. Ha ha ha ha! Very new year. Delicious. Right. Well, uh, we're running out of time here. We had Carl in a little film, but I think we've really got time for monkey news, you know? Yeah. What are you thinking, Carl?

Yeah, if you want to do that? Yeah, let's do monkey news. All right. Play the chinkink-a. Oh, chimpanzee that, monkey news. Right, there's this monkey, right? I think his name was number six or number seven or something, right? In this lab, right? And, uh, anyway, it's in there,

I wear the, you know, the rabbits and little mice and stuff like that. And, uh, the nurse, not the nurse, the woman who works in a lab, what would you call her? A nurse? Depends, what turns out her job was? She was a lab assistant, you call her a lab assistant. I mean, they probably call her the name. All right. Lab assistant, right? So, uh, so she. I think it's probably cursty. they. Well, Cursty, they, they, they, they, they, they, the the the woman, the woman, what the the woman, what the the the the woman, what the woman, what the the woman, what the the woman, what the the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the, what the woman, what's, what the, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the woman, what the the the the the the the the the the woman, what the the the woman, what the woman, what's, what's, what the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the woman, the the the woman, the woman, what's mainly on her own with you know just putting lipstick on the ripps and stuff like that, right? Jim Fancid? So uh... Chip fancier? He's putting on lipstick, Jim fancor? She's got hairy legs? He gets, he gets palli, right, with this woman. Because, you know, it gets the point when he sees him every day. It's the chitry to he he he he he he he he he he's he he's he he's he he's he he's he he's he he's he he's he he's he he's he he's he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he hee, he's he's he's he's he's he's to he's to to their he's to their he's put to to to to to to their he's, he's, he's, he's, he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's put, he's put he's put he's put t. He's put t. He's put t. He's put t. He's put t. He's put he's put t. He's put he's put he's put he's put he's put he's put he's the way to try to string out like it's a narrative love story. The chip put his hand out and grabbed her and then you're thinking that he made a move on her.

So, he's allowed out the cage and what have you, so he's wondering about, and as time goes on, watching what she's doing more and more, right? So, you know, this is like the code on the door, right? Whatever, 247 or whatever, he goes, right, I've clocked that, I've got that, I'll remember that, right? And then he goes, right? And then he goes right, there's a lot of lipstick and that knocking about a lot of makeup. Right, okay. No, no. Because Steve Steve you know what's going to happen. I know what's going to happen. So he's there. It's ridiculous. And he's going, well, if it's there, you know what I mean? So, so while she's messing about with a rabbit, he gets there in front of the mirror, putting a little bit of a lippy on. Right?

You are a little bit. No, I know. It's off Rick. He finished in the story. Show mine off as well. It's looking pretty good. I didn't mention a mascara! It's looking all right, right? So it knows the code on the door, 247, right? So when she's sort of messing about with a rabbit, right? So when she's sort of messing about with a rabbit, right? He goes right, he's right, there's my chance. He's looking good. 247, out the door. The Pception man's there. He's like, alright, Kirsty.

Right? Talk. Talk. Shit. Boom, boom, tom. Bum. All right, well, this final one. Um, play the jingle. See that monkey news? Right, well, this monkey news story, right?

It's about this fella, a couple of fellas in Texas, sort of running a farm. Right? Just because they definitely fellers? How to them? Can we just let it? They aren't human beings. They're running, running this farm and that. And, uh, anyway, so they're outside getting the cattle. And he turns around, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, is, it, th, th, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, the. It's, the. It's, th this farm and that. And anyway, so they're outside getting the cattle.

And he turns around, right? Says that cows. Couple of monkeys walking about, so he knows what's going on. So anyway, so it's in Texas. They don't know what to do with the monkeys. There isn't a zoo. It's fairly barren there, isn't not, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, went about. So the other fellow who runs the farm with him says look we need a bit of an hand, right? So let's teach them some stuff and the monkeys were happy with that because they were lost anyway, right? So they had that's their thing, they were bumming around, they were looking for work. They'd hired a motor home. Yeah, maybe it's like the Hulk. They were like Bruce Banner and I'm going to need I I I I I I I I I the the the the their I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I need th. I to need th. I th. I to need to need to to th. I th. I th. I they they they they were they were to to they're to to they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to told. I said. I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I or you? So anyway right so they taught them they taught these monkeys out a ride horse right so they've both got a

sor you're sure Charlton Heston's not going to pop up the but you're sure you weren't watching a video last night and thought it was a documentary they've both got a horse each right they've been given like a little lasso and all that oh yeah oh they're so the don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don don't oh the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they they're they're they're oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're right? It's like, you know, rounding up the cattle over here and all that. So, um, the two fathers are chatting going, it's worked out well, aren't it? Right, if there's a hostile takeover and they sort of buy up 51% of the shares or something. So they said, for this to continue,? So they get a little woman monkey. They decided to only hire monkeys, why not? Why not? It's working. Why mess with something when it's not broke? Right? So they get the little woman monkey in, they get the little woman, they had kids and all that business, right? But the

problem was, right, when they first got the woman. Right? So they started sort of fighting a bit and what have you? Because they'd seen the owners of the farm with like guns and stuff. Don't tell me the baby monkeys didn't want to go into the family business, one went off to be a lawyer. They had a bit of a shoot off. Shut up! They got two monkeys, right? Don't stop. They've got two monkeys. And who won? Because they they they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't the. Don't too. tooe. teaned teaned teaned their their their their their their their their their no, that sounds possible. So they had a bit of a shoot-off. That's how they sorted it out. And who won? I think it was George.

The one called George. Right. So they had, I think they had 17 kids. The farm still running. So that's like the last little monkey used to rub your nipple against his lips while I held him down. Alright, come off it now. Come on. No, not do it. Roost Rook Sting, Thunder Rope, glass tramp on NXO Hens with you, Steve.

You can check it all out on the webcamp. Oh, no! I saw his arm at the way. Get his arm at the arm. This gone! This gone! This- This- The first one, Mary's dress wee. So good.

Just the finale, it's monkey news, obviously. Well, I'm looking forward to it. Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news. Uh, there isn't. I've been away you can't get. No, no, but I had a proper chance to sort of, you know. Carl, your monkey news is of spurious towels from the 17th century sometimes. So let's have one of those. Let's have a monkey who dressed as Zorro and they thought he was a woodsman, but when they took

his head off he was a four foot hairy chimp. Let's have one of those ridiculous, ridiculous, thia ridiculous, thia ridiculous, thia ridiculous, thiaed, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, tho, their, thus, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thus, their, thus, thus, tho, tho. tho. C. thoooooooo. thooooooooooooo. thoooooooooooooo. thooo. C. tho. one of those ridiculous stories. Well we've done that though. But do you want to go back on some of the ones? Oh, for just what is the monkey news? There must have been some monkey news this week. The only thing that sort of stood out, do you know like they're having problems? You're just making this up? Where's your information? Where's the piece of paper, where's the document? What is this? Because I've been away, so I haven't got anything to talk to them. But it's bad enough when he's reading it, he gets it wrong.

When he's just riffing, it's going to be absolute twaddle. Let's hear it out. Right, do you know like they're having problems getting, sort of, join the SWAT team. They've taken what on? Some little monkeys. Okay. Uh, giving them walkie-talkies and all that. And, uh... Well, they can't talk? They're just walkies. Did I give them some walkies. What do you mean? What, what was- It's one way? They they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they tell tell tell they they they they they they they they to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell the te te to to to to to to to to to to to mean? What was... It's just being given commands and that. And they... So it's one way, they tell them, they've got the little things, straps them.

They're good at like getting into small, you know, small places and that and sort of, you know, cracking stuff and all that. Like I say, it's just half a story I just picks up on. That's not a story, but what do you want? Monkey News! Um, and what, is it time? I think, I think so. Yeah. Oh, chimpanzee that, monkey news. Right, then. So, uh, there's this monkey, right? Right.

In Canada, it's in a zoo in Toronto, I think it is. Um, his name's Pascal, right? And what happened was all the people in the zoo, sort of said, you know, what can we do, sort of spice the day up a bit. So they left, embellishing. No way this is a new story. Yeah, okay. So they, they... any dates? Just let him read the news. Well I don't interrupt Moyri Stewart. There's an out the news though, okay. So they, they, any dates? Just let him read the news. You wouldn't interrupt Moira Stewart. I think there's an outtouching on the news. Lucashewer says today so you know it's news. She doesn't say right, there was a monkey right? In Canada, right?

A couple of weeks ago and this zoo in Canada, right? Jesus. They got a camcorder and they said let's leave it for the monkey to have a play with. So anyway they passed it around. One of the bafter. And a couple of chimps and that were rubbish at it. They were like filming the floor and all that and the fingers were always in shot and stuff like that. But anyway there was one, this one chimp called Pascal, right? An noise with it called the monkeys though.

They're not monkeys, they were, right? He was like, uh, filming stuff, really good shots, you know, sort of nice nude and that. He used a lighting properly and all the rest of the... No, he didn't! Just like, this is the news, what you're talking about, they.............. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he. He. He. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he, he, he, he. He, he, he, he. He, he, he, he, he. He, he, he. He, he. He, he. He, he. He, he. He, he, he. He, he, he. He, he. He, he. He, he. He, he, he. He, he. He, he, he. He, he, he. He, he. He, he. He. He, he, he, he. He, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, was, was, was a. He was, was, was, was, was, he was, was, was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he Things like that, he was a dab under, he was doing really good shots. It really annoys me. Let's hear the news. Anyway, right? So he started, at night, like, when the zoo cupers went home,

he started filming like other monkeys on the go like, whilst they were at it. Right. And he was filming them and what have you. The Ron Jeremy of the zoo. You know it's going to end up on the web. So anyway, the zookeepers came in the next day and it's like let's see what shots he's got. Anyway, he's got all this like, you know, all these monkeys at it and what have you? So yeah, this is, honestly. You don't know what this is doing So they thought like, actually there's a few monkeys who aren't at it enough, do you know what I mean? They have problems or what have you? So let's give them the videos. That is so untrue! This is so untrue! It's so untrue that it was so untrue! It's so un-true! Rick, I don't know, they're going to believe. Oh girl, you're talking so much you're you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you to to to to to to to to to to tha thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi tho tho tho so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so that that that's so that's so that's so that's so that's so that's so that's so that's so that's thi. So that's so that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's so tho tho that's so true. There's no way... A load of tapes out of the audience. Look at me! Look at me!

You must know that's not true. Can we just hear the end of this tea? Totally you. You had to go at me last week because I didn't have the full story. I've got the full story. You're still not happy. at it, that might happen, it might happen but I don't think he'd keep the camera still. Two they go, oh this is good shit, this porn's good shit. Look at that, he's got as a lovely shot, yeah, yeah, so this is ridiculous.

Let me just recap, because I lost my way there. So the monkey is filmed the monkey porn and, two and three and all the rest of it, right? But anyway, so they've got all these other tapes, because what happened was, they said he's quite good at this. Oh, God! And the animals are happy having him around because he's not a human, it's just one of the gang, to the mean? So they started putting him in with other things like, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,talking shit. There was also. And you know they have a problem with pandas in Japan? They've sent him out there filming a bit of... Where are you going?

You honestly, you really annoy me. There's no way this is happening. Can we just hear the end? Why can't he just find a real story about a monkey? Let's hear the end? At the end, the China is filming the pandas and what? No, he's not. It. It. It. It. It is. It is. It is. It is not. It is not. It is not. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's they's no. It's no. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's no. It's no. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. They. They. They's. They's. They's. They's. They's. They's their. They's their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're th. They're th. It's th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the the end, at the end is all that is, he's going to China, he's filming the pandas and what I think. No, he's not, they wouldn't send him monkey director! They would not send a monkey director! Douglas! Now listen, it's time isn't it? We've only got a few minutes left, so you better play the jingle. Oh, the thininininininininininininininininininininininininin! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, thian thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' is thi! thin' is thin' is thin' is thin' is thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's th, he's, he's th, he's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He th. He th. He's is, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi, he's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi thi thin, he's thin, he's thi thi thin, he's thi thi thi thi thi. He's thi you've only just started listening to the show. Oh, you're poor fool. Monkey News is where Carl reports for us all the latest monkey activity.

A headline or a word or someone, someone's owe the overhead in a pub and then totally embellishes it and makes it ridiculous and impossible. He believes it though. He believes every word he's saying. Let me say that. When you hear this, whatever whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, wh whatever, thover, tho, tho, tho, tho, they, they, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, they, tho, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they. Oh, they. Oh, they. Oh, they. Oh, they. Oh, they. Oh, the the they. Oh, they. Oh, they. Oh, they. Oh, thuu. M'. M'. to, to, too-munk, to hear this, whatever it is, I haven't heard it, Twoddle, remember, Carl totally believes it. Go on. Right, so anyway, right? I think it's in LA this happened. I think. Why does he think? So these people are in a restaurant having a lovely meal. It's one of them short and but it goes totally covers them top to bottom in a spacesuit so he didn't know it was a monkey?

It's not one of the customers, one of the waiters? So they're having a lovely dinner, probably one of the best sort of dinners if I've had to add right. So the waiter comes over and it's like, you know, can we just say, can we just just just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, can we just say, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, I, that, that, that, that, that, that, their, their, their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. th. th. th. tho. tho. to. to. to. to. today, the the their, their, can we just, you know, see the guy who cupped it? Of course. Short fella, hairy? So, the waiter said, to be honest, the waiter, he said, you know, he said, he's got meals to cook and what have you, he hasn't really got time. So they only took a minute.

So this is a restaurant in LA. John and what have you, right? So, um... So, um... So, um, so it's a bit off, anyway. So, so, so they go out, right? They go out to the car and they notice the, uh, the kitchen doors open. Yeah, of course they do, because they're going to discover some of that I don't know. So, they're just, just out of interest, this, uh, where's this, uh, uh, uh, see him or reveal what he might look like or like to eat? So anyway, so they pop their head and think we'll just we'll just nip in and go, you know, love, love the fruit salad or whatever. So they stick to that.

We better see the human chef. You never guess what? Go on. Monkies still on a chair, right? Right, cooking veg. Right, so anyway, so they're like, what's going on here? What do you mean? What do you mean to cooking veg? What is he doing with it? Well, he's stood on a chair by the cooker and he's chopping, chopping stuff and he's chopping. Oh, he's chopping, he's chopping, and all like that.

It's got a little, you know, he's got the bosses in there, they're like a bit shocked. So he's a bit panicking because he's got this monkey working for him. So they say to him, what's going on, eh? We didn't know this is what's going on, you know. Why have you got a monkey cooking stuff? So he said, well, did it. Is it a monkey, I should point out who probably doesn't need instructions from its girlfriend. Play the jingle. Oh chimpanzee that monkey news. Right. There's this monkey, right?

And it had been, do you know you hear about monkeys being badly treated and stuff like that? Yeah. So, anyway, it goes into this home. It's 14 this monkey. It's called Mattie. It goes into this home where it's looked after. What's mean home? Just like, just a little monkey home, right?

Okay, so it's... Yeah, kind of, yeah, but they haven't got any other monkeys there, right? What have they got there? We've got just other animals and that, but not that many monkeys, but anyway, because he's there on his own, again, you know, again, by the way because you usually do. Yeah. I can't believe that journalist thought this was scripted. So anyway yeah so it gets it gets sort of palli with the people working there and that and it's smoking fags it's having a drink at night and all this right. What do you mean it's having a drink at night how? It's all here?

I mean we haven't really got time but... You're going to say it's all here like it's proof. You've got another stupid story that someone has put onto the internet. Someone sitting at home in their bedroom has put onto the internet. So it's having a bag, it's drinking a lovely glass of Bangrock station. Yeah. The wine is perfect for a barbecue. Yeah. It's loving life. It's forgetting about its past and everything, right. when this other monkey comes along. Oh no, go on. That comes in, something said. Right, forget it, then. Forget it, no, forget it.

XFM again. Okay, let's play the jingle. Ooh, chimpanzee, monkey news. Right, this happened in Pittsburgh, right. There was a rock band and they've got this studio in Pittsburgh and what have you? And the lane down tracks and stuff like that. And in the studio that they use, right, there's this monkey works there. I love the way he throws that in, this monkey works there. It's just got a little gig there, he sort of carries the equipment in, guitars.

He doesn't. He does. He does, it just sort of cleans up after the band. No he doesn't. Empty in the ashtrays. That's the gig it's got. Anyway, right. Get swimming out of the crowd they want to do with one the the their. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It th. It th. It th. It th. It th. It th. It's the th. It's just just has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has has the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It th. It th. It's just just just just just just. It the. It's just just just, it. It's just just just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just has has has has has just. It's just. It's just. It's just the the gig it's got. Anyway, right. Gets women out of the crowd that they want to go with. With one arm. So anyway, right, so the band's in the studio, right? And one of the band members bring some A&R fella to the studio to have a listen to the latest track. So they hit play and they're all there going, yeah, brilliant, this is good. Anyway, so the fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella fella ffella th g fell th g fell th g g g g g g g g g g g- they're they're they're they're they're the the the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band the band they're all they're all they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're all they're all they're all there going, yeah, brilliant, this is good. Anyway, so the fella says, yeah, I like the track, I especially like the bass on it. Right, because it's bullshit. This is rubbish.

So, so, so, and they hadn't laid down a base for him? So, so, so, have you heard it? So, Carl, please don't do this to me. goes and it's like the band members are stood about and you're going that's good that you liked it and I'm saying yeah but what's he all about with the bass so they're not this is rubbish this is absolutely rubbish where did it from please because we never get to the absolute nonsense so they played it back yeah and it's the chimp playing bass so they were like that's weird we haven't got a bassist so they go whatever let's they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the they the they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their their their their their their their their their their try try try try try try they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they basis. Anyway, so they go off whatever, right? We haven't got a basis. So, they go whatever, let's go. Oh, forget it. Except for.

Okay, right. Oh, chimpanzee, that monkey news. Right. There's this, uh, card game going on. Right. In the, in the, uh in a big hotel in Vegas, right? The Luxor Hotel in Vegas. Right? The Luxor Hotel in Vegas. Yeah. There's a major car game, all the big players and that, were involved, right? They're all invited. Anyway, so they all meet up in this dark room at the back of the person. There's a dark room. Hairy fella. So it was brilliant at poker. I say it's a big game and everyone's been waiting for it so it's played in the back room, not

not in the main entrance bit, right? So anyway, like I say, it's dark in there and what have you, and the players went in, there was already someone sat in there, right, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, th and someone, th and someone, th and someone, th and someone, th and someone, th and someone, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, so, so, so thi, so thi, so thi, so thi, so tho, so tho, so tho, so tho, so tho, so tho, so tho, so tho, so tho, so tho, so tho, so th so th so th so th so th so th so th so th so th so th was th was th was thi, so thi, so thi, thi, it was a thi, it was a thi, it was a thi, it was a thi, it was a thi, it was a thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thiii thi short hairy bloc with slightly longer arms than legs? Couldn't see him because he... Where his arms slightly longer than his legs? Scranger, you know? Wasn't it being darkened. Was he holding his hards with his feet? Anyway.

So the ta'err-tie-things were dealt, right? So the table on for hours, right? The total thing is, that not even we're listening to Carl now. I know. Literally no one is listening. It's so insulting. There's a lot of smoking going on. A lot of eating, a lot of eating and nuts going on. That was a bit weird because they don't know when they get through as many but for this night. So, come on, let's just play Bruce. Good bye everybody.