The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S3E2 (August 29, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series three of the podcasts was released on 22 August 2006. This season saw the return of Karl's Diary as well as a new feature based on Karl's attempts at Poetry. Pilkington was noticeably lethargic during this 6-episode series, having been in and out of the hospital with kidney stones and subsequent complications. This was a major focus of his diary entries during this period with Gervais and Merchant ridiculing him for his histrionics over what they noted was a minor, routine operation.All other known features were abandoned, with the rest of each episode focusing instead on conversation. The season had the same pricing implementation as season two, although the file quality was increased from 32 kbit/s to 56 kbit/s.At the end of the sixth episode, Gervais and Merchant agreed to put the show on an indefinite hiatus.

Well, episode two of season three of the Ricky Jovee show, with me Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilkington. All right. What's been going on? What's been going on? What's been going on? I've been to hospital, right, emergency and that. I had a tube put up my knob. You had a tube put up your knob? Yeah. What's the story? Uh, kidney stones. Oh. So it shouldn't really be here, to be honest, doing this. He said rest. And that, climbing them stairs on the way in. To be quite honest, it doesn't look like you're expending a lot of energy at the moment. It's like at Zoo you keep going all that sloth move today.

Calm down! Yeah, but I had to get here, it's been raining. Yeah. I had to come up the stairs. I had to carry the computer. Yeah. Well, that's not entirely true. that's because. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. the. the. the. the. thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. to to me and said, Steve carry this. Yeah, I know. That's already a lie. Christ Almighty, winging. Not winching. I'm in show business. I know loads of people that wake up every day with a sore knob

feeling like they've had their kidneys probed, and they, you know, they will say they're unconscious. So they don't winge about it. They get straight back to their their their their their lot of them on TV now. Yeah, straight back to hosting game shows. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So, you're us to hospital. So take us through the, take us through the events, because it does sound quite dramatic. You started feeling a bit of pain, did you initially? I felt a bit of pain. And I thought, you know, maybe I've just pulled a muscle or something, I've been wrestling with Ricky and that because you don't know what damage is being done. So I just think it'll go in a minute and then it didn't, it got a bit badder. So then I thought I was I was crippled, I was lying on the floor in agony

looking on the internet looking for a sort of solution. Still looking at monkey News. No. I was just, I just put in like belly ache and stuff and they were saying it can be loads of different things. And I, what I used to do when I was a kid, I used to just get a cold ash tree and put that on my belly. And the coldness used to get rid of the coldness got away. Like a witch doctor.

This is like... A witch doctor happens to work in a pub. It's like some sort of 5th century remedy written in mud. Coldness doth get away with the badness. Why specifically an ashtray? Just because they were at this sort of old cold. They're old cold. I don't know what this is. I love this idea that he is at the operation and he comes around and they're talking to him

and his girlfriend gets a phone call and they say, Mr Pilguddin's, maybe complications, he's just talking about. She goes, oh good. Yeah, he's back to his old self. Yeah. What, what, why specifically in ashtray? Sorry, because it's old cold. I understand. Oh yeah, we understand, everyone who's done a medical degree understands old cold, but, but, uh, old, cold, belly madness. If you want to buy that book, old'll call belly madness, it's the history of abdominal surgery by Carl Pilkington. No, it just, you know, if...

So, but you put it in the freezer or something for us to come. You can do it if you want, but they're normally cold anyway. It's sort of thick glass and that it holds the cold. But we're not smoking our outside, so you put a plate on your belly, but that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's madness! A plate's not going to work! Famously a plate doesn't work! Oh God! No! So you put a plate on your belly but that didn't do any... No, that didn't work. So, called to Dan and said, oh I'm in agony. She said, go to the doctor's then.

Good advice. So... A lot of people have done that straight away. A threat. So he went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went. He went went. He went went. He went went went. He went. He said. He went went went went. He said. He said. He said. He said. He said. He said, th. He said. He went. He said. He said. He went. The plate. He went to hospital, he went to hospital and he said, have you got an ashtray? Yeah, I don't know. They went out and fetch me an ashtray. There's no smoking. So anyway, so then we get in a cab and whatever you go there. I have an x-ray. His voice is even more boring than usual, isn't it?

Fung isn't it. Fuck me. Fuck me! And they put me on drip and everything, give me some morphine and stuff. And found out that I had kidney stones. So that's why I was in hospital. And they get them out by... I can't even, I don't know what's gone on, to be honest. I've got some tube inside me. From my kidney to my bladder. That's helping me stuff get about.

And so there's a little tube up the end of your knob into you? Yeah, it's not there now, it's right, it's high up. Right. So it's high up between me kidney and my bladder. But why don't you have the thing where they go in the side? You had the choice to... Because I said to the operating theatre now. He just said you know I said to him what what should I have done because he said if you want go home and we'll get you in again or something. I said something like that and I said no

I might as well have it done properly have it done now whilst I'm here. Sorry the choice was having done properly or go home. It was it was something like that. He said he said there's something you can do and I flash it out th th. And I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the the th. the th. the the the to to to to to to to to to to to their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their He said there's something you can do and I said, oh, flash it out? No, because it's too big. It's something like 7mm. And it's basically because you don't drink enough water. Yeah. So anyway, I said what do you think I should have done? And he said, Tube up the knob. And I said, hmm, not my favorite one of the choice. But if that's what you think. So he said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, th, th, th, yeah, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. the, the, their, their, their, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thoooooo. It's th. It's thoooooo. Fl. It's, their, their, the one of the choice but if that's what you think so he said yeah have that he did my little diagrams which didn't help he was like showing how big did him draw your knob? Uh, sort of normal size. Yeah, was it? It was all right. He weren't offended by the way. Well he wanted into detail it's just you know more

the tube and stuff and you're like, what you can... What was your ball bag like? Did he draw that? He didn't do that bit, he left that bit out. Okay, right. But he said, we'll just pop that up there and then that's when Ricky turned up to visit. They came in laughing at me because we sat there in like me on the pants and stockings. Yeah, why are you dressed in. There the little box of shorts on, he was sort of out of bed, this little drip, right? He had this little box of shorts on, just sat there, right, in his pants, right? And he had stockings on. Yeah, because they stop, clock, or something. They put them on your legs. It's like, you know when people have got big veins and they go on a plane.

Right, yeah. You said said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you said, you're not a doctor. No, but I've seen it because Suzanne's man did it and it was, she put him on ridiculously early like three days before we were going away and she'd never been away before and everything was like over the top, do you know what I mean? She's like I best put them on. So I put them on and they like, I don't know what it is, it's something when you're in, when you're under, your blood doesn't move about the same. And it can clot up in your leg. So you wear these tight tights. And I came into Cheer and Matt, didn't I? Yeah. Was that a nice cheery experience, him coming in?

I had a headache at the time. I think it was a bit stressed out. He's just a man you want at that point. Yeah. It's weird how it suddenly all happened quick. It was like as soon as he came in, it's like they got the finger out. And when I said that having, I mean, yeah. Suddenly I was being rushed down to, you know, having me stuff done. And I woke up and there was an Irish woman over me going to to their. And I said, oh, it's stinging a bit. I'll thi I thu ss, I was suddenly, I was suddenly, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, oh, oh, I was, I was, oh, I was, I, oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, suddenly, oh, oh, suddenly, oh, I'm, oh, oh, I'm, suddenly, suddenly, I'm, suddenly, I'm, suddenly, suddenly, I'm, suddenly, I'm. that, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, I. that, suddenly. that, suddenly. that, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I. that, I. that, I. that, I. that, I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, I'm, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, I'm. some more morphine. And I sort of put my head up to have a look at my tackle because I wanted to see if it was still there. What was attached to it. Do what I mean? Because they said something about, they might leave some string hanging out

of it so they can pull the tube out. And it makes Your head collapsed. Yeah, I sort of looked up to look at my stuff, but then she said, oh, you just need a little bit of morphine. And she put that in and I just sort of went, and then they sent me home about two hours after. I'm in agony now and uh... Are you in agony right now as we speak? Yeah, certain. Now are you a man who's had this kind of hospital experience before? Is this your whole first time? I don't go do it to hospitals and stuff because I don't like them messing about. But it does make you think now, do you know what I mean? Like life and everything. From I mean it's weird out it's all happened in the last month from seeing that be sort of die. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not a near-death experience. You had a routine operation to remove kidney stones because you don't drink enough water. No I know but. This is not

a shark attack. Yeah but it's all life-threatening otherwise you won't have to fill out forms would you saying if everything goes wrong Suzanne can have the house or whatever and then you find out more about the body as well which has been sort of doomy head in a bit you're more aware of stuff in your body which I don't like knowing about their to keep taking your heartbeats and stuff and your blood pressure I don't like knowing about that I just like leave it it's happening. Don't be messing with it. Stop measuring it. Stop measuring it! No do you know what I mean? It's that thing of like, they put that thing on. That's what the Unicisysist was doing when you were under it, wasn't it? He was comparing the diagram to the actual thing. Don't tell me that. I don't want to know. Just say it was, it's

all right and stuff. So, uh, it just, the whole thing of a hospital is stressful. You know what I mean? They wait you up every half an hour in the night, saying how do you feel? It's like, you know, you know, it's the the the the their it's their it's like, you're their their their their their. It's their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. their. their. their, you's, you're their. It's just, their, their, their, their, I's just, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's. It's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's just.. I's just. I's just. I's just. I's just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just. It's just, it's just. It's a. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's a their. It's just, their. It's just, their. It's just, their. It's just, their. It's just, their. It's just, their. It's just, it, you know, it's half past three. What are you doing? I've got to have it done again a couple of weeks. Because what they've done now, they've popped that straw up, but the stone's still in there because they didn't have the laser team in with them. Blast the stone, and then that time they're probably going to leave a little bit a string out the end, then I have to go about three days later and they pull it out. Tell you what though, when you are sort of, because when you're in hospital, you've got a lot of time just to sit there and think about stuff. And what I was thinking about is, what is the closest thing, sort of living, that's nothing.

I don't know what you mean. What's like the closest, like, do you know, at some, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that's nothing. I don't know what you mean. What's like the closest, like, do you know at some point something's gone from nothing to something, aren't it? No, I don't, no, I don't understand what you mean. Something, at some point people were nothing and then something happened and there was something. Do you know what I mean? But they were never nothing were they? Do you mean what is the first and lowest and most primitive and most simple form of life? No, he's right here in this room, right? Say like when you look at a stick right, you go right there's a slight cross over there from a stick to a living thing. No it's not. It didn't used to be a stick. No no no it's not. There's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no there's no their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the first. There's their their their their the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. the first. the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's the first. There's their stick to a living thing. No it's not. It didn't used to be a stick.

No, no, no, no, it's not. There's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no biological relationship between it and a stick. But there isn't much difference between the two is what I mean. Of course there is. There is just, they just sit there looking like a cross-a-a, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, there, there, there, there's their, there, there's there's there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there there there there there there there there there there, there there there there, there there, there their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their there's no, there's no, there's no,to do with being a stick. It's like camouflage. That's like saying when a soldier puts on combat gear, you're saying he's a cross between a human and a shrub. He's not a cross between a human and a shrub, is it? But that's my main distance. You can't see him. That's the same as the stick insect. No, but that isn't what I'm saying is, have you seen them weird things that just look like,

they sort of look like a leaf? Yeah, there are insects that have evolved to look like a leaf. So a bird thinks, oh, there's no tea there. That's not a juicy insect, this is a leaf, I don't eat leaves. Yeah, but at some point something has had it away with a leaf. No, to make it look that much like a leaf. At no point did a beetle shag a leaf. There's nothing on a genetic level or a molecular level, anything to do with it having anything to do with a stick or a leaf. It's superficial. It's the way it looks. That's all it, that's like saying, comedians must have mated with green once.

They are green. It looks like a leaf. What I don't understand is... It has evolved to blend in perfectly with its surroundings and full predators. But then how does it meet, how does it have relationships? It will be going around sort of having it away with a leaf. No it won't, because it doesn't know what it looks like. It doesn't matter. They do it with pheromones and attraction and it's not like they are, you know, a stick insect to be talking to a stick for ages and going, oh I've wasted my time here. This club's dead. Yeah. Rude. I was chatting to her. she was foxy but she was giving me nothing. But Dave, that's not a stick, that's a stick.

What are you talking about? That's a stick, you've been talking to a stick all right? I can't believe it. I just thought she had a great slim figure. No, no it's actually a real stick. But I've been reading a lot about, you know how I like spiders. spiders and stuff just reading about them. And there's one, right? It's got big legs. He doesn't use them. It goes around floating in the air on a bit of webbage. Like the kind of... He just took a gamble then, didn't he? He took a gamble, he thought, do you know what, I'm going to go with webbage? Don't know if it's a word, not sure,

but I could just say web and I'm going to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go the to go thebage. I don't know if it's a word, not sure, but I could just say Webber. I'm going to go with Webbage, I'm going to risk it. And it didn't pay off, did it? Ha ha ha! Wibage! But that's how it gets about, it's in the air like a kite. Yeah, it's just floating about. I've seen one, yeah. the way all that goes on and this is what I can't get my head round. You have got your head round. But do they get ill then? For those listening at home he

has just bumped his head against the microphone. Trying to mate with it because it's perfectly round this microphone. No but when I was, this is what I'm saying when I was in hospital and stuff, you do think about how others live, because insects don't have operations, are they built better than us to survive in this world? The trap you seem to fall into again and again is you cannot conceive of the fact that insects and animals do not have consciousness and personality and communication. They do not function in the fact that insects and animals do not have consciousness and personality and communication. They do not function in the way that humans do. You've seen so many

Disney cartoons, you believe them now to have a life and wear a bowl of hats and go to work. But just in the same way that the cavemen didn't have Flintstone type cars and have a little house. You can't seem to understand that animals don't work in that way. But what I mean is you're saying that no animals or insects know anything. Yet when you see them things on nature programs where a load of ants are having a walk, there's always one at the front who's leading it all. So one of them's got to know... He's got to know... Or they're leaders in... Yeah, but the other ants are going follow in. No they're not, they're not vocalizing that in any sense that you understand it. No, they want to say, but they sort of look as if to sort of say, I'm going this way. Without, without, without speaking.

It's not made a conscious decision to act in that way. Yeah, but this is when you... If a bird, if a raindrop falls on a bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's bird's their, it, it moves, it moves, it moves, it moves, it moves, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, too, too, too, too, too, too, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, their. their. their, no, no, no, no, their, no, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, no. their. their, no. their. their, no. their, no. their, no. their, no. their, you... If a bird, if a if a raindrop falls on a bird's beak and it moves it, it moves away because instinctively it's hardwired to be wary of things which drop on its beak in case it's dangerous. It's not thinking all crumbs, that's, I better get out of the way. It just does it because it's somehow hard wired into it to act that way. But it doesn't stop for a moment and think, which we don't really, except except, except, except, except, except fears and our actions. Well I've been watching birds more than insects recently. Oh okay you moved on from the last week just because I've sort of looked at the ant and the bee and that and what I found with pigeons is they've got wings yet they walk a lot. I'd love that to be a thesis where he got like a half a million pounds grant from a university and I said well Pilkington seems to he's done an anthen, he's done ants, he's done a

dance, apparently they're not doing anything, some of them are lazy. He was granting another half million pounds. He's been working on for a year. Please welcome Carl Pilberton. Carl, what have you phoned? Well, even though pigeons have wings, they walk a lot. No, but even in times of danger, one was crossing the road and a car was coming, and you think that its head would say, best to start flying. Yeah, it just walked faster. Well, what's it doing?

It was doing stuff, wouldn't it? It takes a a to to to to to to to to to to to to to tooah tooah tooah tha tha tha tha tha tha, thiia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thoom. thi. thi. thioliolioli. thoom. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Well, thi. Well, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thia. thia. t t t toooooooooooiiiia.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a. Well, tha doing? It was doing stuff wouldn't it? It saved a bit of energy. It takes a lot to take off, isn't it? Yeah, but it's either that or you're going to get crushed. Use the energy. It didn't get crushed, did it? No, I don't think it did. There you know what he was doing, didn't it? Yeah, it just annoyed me. That's all it's not... Power! They're all super power of these animals. But that's why he thinks of the stick insect as like that, you mentioned earlier, that's its power, that's its skill. Like Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider and now he can solve crimes and swing with webs, with webage, whereas yeah stick insects is not a super power. But say if everything was at the same size as us, what would be the best thing to be?

Say like a tarantula? Yeah. And a tiger, what would happen there? A 15 stone tiger versus a 15 stone tarantula? Yeah. Well, I'd imagine the 15 stone tarantula. Right, so it's just weird that, isn't it? It's a good job that's small. Yet things are getting bigger because we're

messing with the world. It's a ridiculous thing to say, isn't it? Because what would it eat? 15 stone? It wouldn't happen anyway. Because the insects have a, insects and insects and the threatlets and it just inverteably. themateateateateateateateate, themate, themate, themate, themate, the, themtebrtebrtebrtebrtebrate, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, well, well, the, the, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15. 15, themtecates, themtecates, their, the, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15ropods in general, they have a critical mass because they haven't got lungs, they breathe through things in their side called spiracles and if it gets too big, the surface to volume ratio isn't big enough to allow it enough oxygen. So the biggest you'll find is like a foot long beetle or somewhat weird. It's big though,'t it? Yeah and that's about as big as I get. He's got a killer. Hmm. Again based on nothing he queries it. It also it's not a case that one that will be born too big and can't breathe it won't happen. That's why they're only that big because... But it's like fish in it how they say about a goldfish. Yeah. That thing about a woman that that that that that that that that that woman that that woman that that that woman that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thoooooomboooooooooooo their thooooooooooooooooo that thi thi that thi that that that that that that that that that that because... But it's like fish, in it, how they say about a goldfish.

That thing about a woman who went on holiday and stuck it in a bath. She came back, it was seven foot. Right, that didn't happen. No, that's a well-known thing. No, it's not a well-known thing. I'll tell you why, because a bath. No, a seven foot fish in a bath. It just fit the bath exactly, did it? When she got back of holiday. Don't talk shit. What was it eating? How long was she gone for? Two million years? Yeah, yeah. She went to Mars and that. It's just that fish are weird, aren't they? Well though, there's that's that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a thi. that's a that's a that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the thi. the thi. the the thi. thi. thi. the. the. th. the the. the. the. the. thi. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that fish are weird, aren't they? Well, though, there's a go, that's a bollock story, once again.

I don't know where you've heard it, or... It's a well-known story. A seven-foot goldfish in your bath. But, uh, no fish are weird. Ted, you're not going to believe this. Come up here. Well, how many fish do you see that ping-ponging around these ideas in your mind. You just never see fish sort of just floating about in the water and you go, oh, died of old age. It's always been caught by a man or a shark set it. You don't just see dead

fish washed up, do you? When you think of the amount of fish that are in the sea, there's loads of them and you never walk away. That's what I'm saying though. Are they, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are they, are they, are they, are they, are they, are they, are they, are they, are their, are their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, amount of fish that are in the sea is loads of them and yet you never... Because they're eating straight away. That's what I'm saying though. Are they eaten when they're dead or are they just being eaten? Well most things that don't die of old age. Yeah that's weird though, isn't it? Well no, because it's a, you know, it's a jungle. want to live in the sea. Are you sure you're not on morphine as we speak? No, but in the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert, aren't you? Yeah, but that's true of all animals. No, worse than the sea. The sea is like full of, you've got an enemy

round every rock. I love it. I love it! I love it! I know it's like a warning to crabs! And young squid. It's like the police it's like the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the police the the police the police the police the you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you. You to be, you to be, you to be, you to be, you to be, you to be, you to be, you to be, you the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's I know it's like a wall into crabs and young squid. It's like the policeman that comes into your school. Yeah, yeah. What advice would you give, okay then, what advice would you give... Some plankton? Now what advice would you give a two-week-old octopus? Um... And what am I? Am I? I? a two-week-old octopus? Um, and what am I? Am I an octopus?

No, you're you. We've set it up that it can understand you with some sort of... One of your inventions to talk to the animals. One of your brilliant inventions, it's just a watch, you strap on its tentacle and it can understand human talk. You know, I'm sure you'll come up with that one day. What would you say to it? What would you say to an octopus, a young octopus, who wants to set out by himself in the sea? Stay close to the rocks. And just let it know about the thing about it can get into a small space. You know if you look at an hole, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, the the hole, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, to, to, their, to, too, what too, what too, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, too, tho, tho, tho, tho, get into a small space. You know if you look at an hole, don't go, I can't get in there, and sort of squash it and show itself. I can roll it into a ball.

And sort of say, look at that. Is that hurting? I love that the drugs make no difference. It's like there's no difference. Oh God. Because that's the only thing that that's got in it is boneless. So that's its special power. That's what it can do. You can roll it up and as long as it knows that. But that's the problem with a lot of powers, isn't it? That's the same thing about how people say don't have a go-at bees because they not like wasps, they don't sting you, because once they sting you, they die. That doesn't know that, does it? It's also not true, but yeah.

Do you know what I mean? It doesn't know, so it's not like the bees going around going, I'm not going to sting you because I'll die if I do. What's your point there, I don't understand. thr. th. th. th. th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, that, tho, that's that's that that that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi. tho, tho, tho's tho's that thoooooo's thoooooo. thoooo. tho. tho. tho. to do? Instinct. I suppose it's like that story that told me about the scorpion, isn't it? It's that, isn't it? What, the scorpion and the frog? Yeah. What, the fable?

Yeah. What was it? It was a frog going. It was a scorpion. The scoog. a river and it said to a frog, you give me a lift and the frog said, well no of course not, because you'll sting me, you're a scorpion. And he goes, well no, why would I do that? If I sting you and I'm in the water and you drown, I drown, and the frog went, good point. So, the frog gives him a piggyback,

going to the river, halfway across, the scorpion stings the frog's dying and the frog's going, now I'm gonna die and you're gonna die. So why'd you do that? And the scorpion said, because I'm a scorpion. What do you think that that was meant to point out? Just sort of be careful of you help. No, it's meant to point out that you are what you are. You are your nature. No, but it's also that thing of like... I'm telling you it's nothing to do with what the frog was... No, no, no. Someone's hitchhiking, don't pick them up because... No. It's nothing to do with the mentality or the

reasoning or the... anything to do with the frog at all. The point of it. Well, I don't know I think ESOP was thinking a lot about the hitchhiking problem. It wouldn't happen. That's the problem with a lot of them fables. They're putting animals together that I wouldn't meet. Oh whereas insects go around shagging leaves. Well insects are with the leaves whereas I don't know where a scorpion is knocking around with a frog. I mean is that weird one I remember hearing something about this lizard that sort of gets palli with the scorpions even though they're not mates, they don't get on but they've kind of got this agreement that the scorpion can live in their house if they guard it and the local people used to stick their hands down these holes and get the

lizards to make slippers out of them. And the lizards were getting sick of this and I think somehow something happened where the lizards thought, look, enough's enough, we'll let you sleep in our den if you stand by the door. So the scorpion used to like stand by the door and stay awake at night whilst the lizard's having a kip. Felder comes along wanting to make some new slippers, puts his hand down the old, Scorpion gets him. Now that's what's weird with that, that two enemies have worked together. This is called a symbiotic relationship, but at no point did they sit down and go right what we're going to do. I'll tell you what I'll give you shelter you give me that sting and as a fellow wants to make slippers because all this happened way before people

were making slippers. But in it weird though because people there's nothing that happens like that in people is? Of course there is? What like that where you don't get on but you work with them? Of course there is? What? What? th? th? th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th,. What like that? Why, you don't get on but you work with them? Of course there is. What? Loads of business relationships. What do you mean? Normally, you stay away if someone's being a bit weird. There's a lot of examples where you might go well. I hate to do it, but my only option is to go with X, Y and Z.

But what I'm saying is though, let me let me th, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me,'m saying is though, let me just finish. Go on. I live in an area where, you know, I sort of know a lot of the locals and there's a local woman who's a bit mad. Now I know her, but I choose to sort of stay away because it scares you a bit, don't it, when something's like that, and it's unpredictable. So, uh, you know, when I was in the little corner shop, she came in, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, So, you know, when I was in the little corner shop, she came in, right? She screams a lot, just screams for the sake of it. And you don't know if she's upset or if she's just doing it for attention, then the scream will go from screaming to laughing.

So you're like, oh, what's going on? And it was like rush hour time in the shop. And she chose to go in then and she doesn't work, so it was like why is she coming in now? She's had all day to go in, just pick the busy time. And she was like about three places in front of me. And she was only buying a Yorkie and some earbuds. A Yorkie in some earbuds. And I thought, what, a the the the the they, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why is they, why is the, why is the, why is the, why the, why the, why the, why the, why the, why they, why they, why they, why they, why they? they? why they? Why they? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, they's they's she's they's she's they's they're, why at the wrong time and you bought stuff that could have waited you should never have to rush out for a Yorkie or an airbud is what I'm saying. And I ended up sort of going I can't stand this and I left. Now that was me being like I would expect the scorpion to be or the lizard. I don't know what you're talking about now. I don't know what what do you mean? No I'm just saying now like I chose that that woman could be

dangerous so I'll leave I'll leave her to it and that's that's where nature kicks in and you go I don't want to be here I don't know what she's going to do she's to the they's the they's they's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the and the the and the and I I I I I I the and the and I the the and the and the and the the and the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they's they's they's to to they. I they's they's the they's the they's the the the the the the the know, I'll look out, I can see the shop, I saw her go and she was like laughing to herself again and try to climb up some ladders. And I thought, once she's gone, I'll knit back. I don't know what my point was. I don't know. Oh, he's only gottall to wrettle it down. That's the jingle for Carl's Diary. We have bacon and egg on toast.

I'm eager to get through the brown sauce as the bottle is too big to go in any cupboard so it has to be left on the sideboard. So I had about four dollops of the stuff. I love the... You know that made it into the diary. He's concerned about the fact the brown sauce is too big so he's rushing through it. I know but I'm just saying the kitchen isn't that big and it looks messy when you leave stuff out don't it? And we've got this giant brown sauce and away because of it. the the the wawne sauce is is th sauce is th. I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. thin sauce. thin sauce. th. the their their their their thin sauce. their their sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce. their sauce. I their sauce. I their their their their their their their sauce. It's their sauce. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the their sauce. It's their sauce. It's their sauce. I their sauce. I their sauce. I their sauce. I their sauce. I's their sauce. I's th. I's th. I'm th. I'm th. It's their th. It's th. I'm th. It's the th. I's the th. I's the the the the the the their. A wasp got in the flat, you know troubles brewing. It was massive, the biggest wasp ever. Suzanne asked me to get it out, but I wanted to take a picture of it first. I was getting me phone ready when it flew at me.

I reckon the sting on it could have killed a kitten. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! So specific. It ended up flying out the window on its own. Drama over it too. We went out for tea. You're always in a calf. That's all, this diary, you spend so much time in a cafe. There were loads of flying ants. I kept kicking the table because I could feel him on my legs.

I wouldn't be that jumping normally, but I still had flashbacks of the giant wasp from the morning. Suzanne told me to stop being stupid because I was ruining a night out. A night out in a cat? What was it? What was it? What was it? What was it her birthday? And flashbacks from an incident? Yeah. Like he's some sort of like war veteran. What is it? It could have killed a kitten? Bought some wallpaper. We got back and got on with it. The wall that we've papered before has got a big mirror under it. We've papered on top of it again. I ended up reading the phrase book while Suzanne did the rest of the tidying up. Now what's your phrase book? This is just you you little sayings and how they came about.

An interesting phrase is pot luck. It came about when all people ate is stews. They used to chuck all sorts of stuff into the stew. You stuck your spoon in and sometimes you got something nice like beef or you could end up with a bit of frog. It's pot luck. That's what you said in the book, did it? A bit of frog. Got up and checked the wallpaper out.

There are loads of air bumps and it's buckled on the joints. I wish we'd never done it. Suzanne said the washer was broke and it's out of its warranty. She called up the people who made it and they said it will cost 150 pounds to fix. I don't know how they know that when they haven't even seen it. I want to smash it to bits and see what they can do for obviously good. So much anger. I want to smash it to bits. That'd be great wouldn't it? 150, you sure? Come around? And it's just like a cube that's been through one of those car crushers. 150 quid, they're 50 they're they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they can, and they can, they can, they can, they can, and they can, and they can, and they can, and they can, and they can, and they can, they can, and they can, and they can, and they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can, they can't they can't they can't they're th thi, they can't the the can't the can't the can't the can't thi, they can't they can't they can't they a cube that's been through one of those car crushers. 150 quid, there's 150 quid, fix it.

I watched the news and calmed down a bit, because there was a story about some Siamese twins who are having an operation. They've got two heads, four arms, two legs, one liver. The doctor said they will have one leg each. I felt bad worrying about the washer when people have bigger problems like the Siamese twins. Ricky and Steve asked me to do a poem about one day a week so I thought I'd do one today. I can't obviously do it justice so I should let the master read it. You've done another poem? Yeah you said you know just do one. If you have a day where you've had a lot of emotions. Well I love the poem. Well I'd the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've tho. I've tho. I've tho. I've tho. I've tho tho tho tho one tho one tho one tho one tho one tho one tho one tho one tho. I've tho. I've tho. I've tho. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've tho. I've tho. I've to to tho. I've to. I've to. I've to. I've to. I've tho. I've tho so if you can do that every week that would be a joy for me. You can't force a poem though. No I know.

The diary is easy to do because you just write down what you're doing. But you've got to have some really meaty subject matter to be able to write a poem Rick as you'll discover. I know. Right. So you've heard what problems they. Bubbled wallpaper, what a mess. Wash a dry and knackered. What a mess. Siamese twins separated. One legless. I don't know what rhyming scheme that is again! Oh God!

Oh! Oh! Oh God! Oh God! Oh! Oh! Fuck me! Oh! Well there you go, that's the end of episode two of series three of the Ricky Javais show. More next week. More drivel, more diary. Another poem I hope. Maybe.

Just more news and stuff. From me, Ricky Javeys. Stephen Merchant. Goodbye. And Carl Pilkington. All right.