The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Sky1 S1E1 - China (September 24, 2010)

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

Ricky and Steve send Karl to China to visit the iconic Great Wall but he struggles to fit in with the locals and adjust to the Chinese culture, in particular the local cuisine.

The seven wonders of the world, Christ the Redeemer, the Chajmahar, the Great Pyramids, truly man's greatest achievements, but there's one man who sees them differently. If that was on my road, the Council will be on it,. They go get that down. It's a death trap. Carl Pilking, John. It's like a pylon. I don't know the political correct term, morrow, I think. He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, mank, moor, buffoon, idiot. Is that normal? And he's a friend.

We've often described him as being like some kind of real-life Homer Simpson. Homer is small-minded, petty, but at his core a good person. And lovable, absolutely lovable. It's like a game of Jenga that's going out of hand. I can't get enough of him. Is everyone going to be wearing out out out He's a typical little Englander, and he doesn't like going out of his comfort, so. Bollocks are squashed.

I just think that it'd be amazing to send him around the world. What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world. I've been to many exotic places. I've genuinely think travel broadens the mind. I want him to hate it. I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement. Nothing is funnier than Carl in a corner being poked by a stick. I am that stick. And now I have the mic of Sky behind me.

This is one of the funniest, most expensive, practical jokes I've ever done. And it's going to be great. Let me go home! Jesus Christ! All right? All right? Yeah. Yeah.

What are we doing today? It's stanging around. You look nervous, you look and easy. Well, I am a bit, yeah, it's not normal, is it? What? What is it? You're asking me how my day is, room full of people who I don't know. Yeah? Well, you're going to they've got to film it. Otherwise you'd be by yourself and we wouldn't see it on the tele. Right, Carl. I'm very jealous of your trip here, Carl, to the mighty Great Wall of

China. Well you say that about how come I'm going and you're not doing any. Well because we're executive producers. Yeah we're're busy, we've got other stuff going on. So out of all the places, this is the place that I'm worried about the most. Why? Just the way they live, they're different. What, Chinese people? They just wreck everything. They make everything weird. That's what I'm worried about.

To you? To you? Everything, chicken? Why is it orange in China today? Just a slightest thing. The chicken is orange. They eat anything. You know what I mean? Octopus. Toad. He just made that one out. Say if I go over there, I have a bit of toad. I go, do do you know what? It's quite nice that it's nice than chicken. Yeah. It's going to be pretty tough to get a bit of grilled toad in this country. It could make me sort of wish for stuff that I can no longer get old of. Have you been listening to what he's been saying there? That he's scared to go to China in case he gets a taste for today. And then they comes about they can can't comes about their they can't they can't they can't. So they can't they can't they can't they can't they can't they can't they can't get their they can't get they can't get their they can't get their their their thoed. So their their thate. So to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get. So. So. So. So. So. So. So I I can can can can can't get. So I can can can can can't get. So I I can can't get. So I can can't get. So I can't get. So I can't get th. So I can't get th. So I can't get that that that that that that that that that their thoeat thoeat thoeat thoeat that that to that that that the. Sothe letters are weird, their alphabet is not like ours, there's like someone testing out a biro. Everything's, there's no logic to anything that they do. There is, there is, everything's changing. The way they read a book it's all the other way around, from back to front instead of front to back and up and down would say that they did it first. Their civilization beat ours by many, many hundreds of years.

But anyway. Right. Off you go. See you when you get back. Yeah. So, yeah. A bit grey, isn't it? Is today a clouded day or is this pollution? It's not worth having this in HD, is it? A bit grey, isn't it?

Is today a clouded day or is this pollution? It's not worth having this in HD, is it? Nothing looks crisp. Everything's sort of hazy, some sort of Cape Bush video or something. Can anyone speak English? Does he want to give us a lift? English? Do you want to give us a ride? Yeah, yeah. Alright. Okay. Okay. All right.

It doesn't seem to work when you smile at people. Nothing, nothing, blank. So I don't know if smiling means smiling here. I mean if they don't understand me language and they don't understand my expressions, I don't know what I've got to communicate with. All right? Nothing, nothing, I've got nothing then. I don't think I've ever felt this lost.

Even in Wales. See what I mean here though about things not being normal. You know I get off a plane all sort of ay in that, jet lagged. I thought I know I'll have a massage that will be nice. Massage? Massage? Hi. I'm never going to get to where I'm going. I haven't been to bed yet. It is nice though to be fair. That isn't that isn't good. Hmmmm. Ha ha! Ha! Chinnel we do all it? Can I? Cinell! I mean, was that a massage? I don't know. Or was it just being mugged?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, I'm just trying to find a hotel that Ricky and Steve has sorted out for me. Um, I'm not expecting that much, if I'm honest with you. I've got a room, Pilkington. Nice. It's compact, isn't it? It's cozy. Feels Chinese. Yeah, it's. Those slippers, they're mine? It's quite Chinese, aren't they? Behind the cloth, you have a TV. Any English? No, only Chinese. Okay, thanks.

Thanks. I like this touch. Okay, thanks. I like this touch. Suzanne wants a fish, so I'll have to let her know that. I've got a couple. I mean, that is for sort of company, isn't it? It's not some sort of appetizer, that is it? That's Andy. You know, I said that Chinese always come up with inventions, quite futuristic with their ideas. It's all right, isn't it?

Little radio with headlights. I don't know when you'd need that. I mean, the whole beauty of radio is, you know, you can listen to it in the dark. I mean, if that was on the Dragon's Den, you'd say I'm out, to go and have a wander about I think because there's nothing else to do so I might as well you know at least try and see a bit of the place mixed with the locals and you know that's what Ricky and Steve want in it they want to see how I can handle myself with some foreigners. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Cal. Carl. Yeah.

Carl. Not Carla. Not Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. No.

No. No. No. No. Carl. You don't need to add. Like this your country, the Shazbiah. Shazbiah. Shazbia. Shazbia.

Shazbia. Shazbia. Yeah. Chinese Shazbia. Shakespeare. Yeah, yeah. Shazbiya. It's just breaking it it's cold. Yeah, it smells more Chinese now, isn't it?

Sort of sweet and sour. It's good, isn't it? Is that dead? Are they dead? Are they dead? Are they dead? They toads? So I don't get it? Are they alive in that bag? Why aren't they legging it? He's got like a Sainsbury's bag full of toads, he rips them out, cuts their head off, sticks them in another bin bag.

I don't even know what that is. I mean, it looks like a load of condoms in jammed and water or something. got it sat there as if that's meant to tempt you in. Well the idea was, you know, that I'd nip out and get a little snack because Ricky and Steve said, yeah, try everything out, you know, do what the locals do, but there's no way I'm eating this stuff. It's a Barbie, Seahorse, cocoa saurm, and the peel. This looks like they've got custard creams on a stick as well at the end. Just anything on a stick. Whatever you want on a stick. I just don't understand why they're eating all this. I mean at home, restaurants will get closed down for having a cock coach in the kitchen.

Yet here is a starter. I didn't know it'd be like this. I didn't think it'd be this mental really in the food department. There's a woman over there just tucing in on a bunch of scorpions. Look at her like she's just having like a bit of a chicken leg. Not a problem, just shubbing them in a face. She looks at it before she puts it in her mouth, like, oh yeah, which bit will they have first? The head of the thi I mean as she's eating one off one stick she's looking at the other stick she can't get enough of them. All right it's like the donuts to her

she's looking at and she's going oh look at that one there that one looks nice. You see I don't know where it stops. Where's the line between food and insect? She gets up in the morning, there's a spider leave the quass on for tomorrow. I'll eat that now. What's he eating? Oh God. What sort of egg is that? It's a fetus? Inside an egg. A fetus! A fetus! I don't know what any. Just for people watching you don't know. He's with us, you know, helping drive the bus and what have you. He seems like a normal bloke. I mean eating a fetus. Not even waiting for the thing to be born and to live a bit and then eat it.

I mean a fetus. I've only been here for a bit. I've been out of these. I've got three more package left. But you know, the way the thing is, I'm the freak here, aren't I? Everyone else is eating that. I'm eating these. I'm the odd one out. I've had my name done, that says Carl. Could be that way. I don't know. It's one or the other.

It could be that way. Let's face it, I don't know. It could be any way. I'm sure if you're Chinese and you're watching this, you know if I've got it the right way up. But there you go, that says Carl. I haven't got Susanna gift yet. I could just give her this. And so yeah it says Susanne that.

She wouldn't know. to see the Great Wall aren't I? You know, one of the wonders of the world, but I'm just not in the mood. Honestly, I'm still knackered, I'm still jet lagged. And just the weirdness of China, that ties it out on its own. There's all the noise out there. It's like one o'clock in the morning at home. I've got a message. Hello, Carl, mate. It's Steve here. Listen, I've got a little treat arranged for you today. I know that you're fascinated by the strange, the weird, the esoteric, and obviously one of the big parts of Chinese culture is fortune telling.

So we've arranged for you to go and see a fortune teller. Get some predictions about your future, my friend. All right, enjoy. The people really believe that here. I mean, are people taking kids in and saying to him, right, here's my kid, what's his future going to be like? Because if his life is going to be a load of chite anyway, end it, do my favour. But then it doesn't always work like that. That's what I mean with fate. I didn't do that well at school. I left with an Egan history. So say if my dad knew that, he'd go right, get the brick and that'd be the end of it. Whereas, look, I've done all right. I've got a bit of a problem with this. A mate has sent me it to have this dumb. I'm not happy about it really.

I sort of think I'm better off not knowing. If something's bad's going to happen, I'd prefer it just to happen without having a warning. Time, time I was born. A palm pilot. I didn't expect him to have a pound pilot. Quite futuristic. Do you know Bruce Springsteen is? He's got the same birth date as me. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm concentrating on calculating your future.

All right. You have to pay attention to your health because you got some sort of heart problem. Oh, here we go. What sort of heart problem? Something to do with your heart blood vessel. It's weird that, because my dad had a problem with his art. And they say it runs in the family. So is it going to kill me then? 90%?

90%? Brilliant. But maybe we can change it. Although you have some health problem, we're gonna do a ceremony for you. But you do need to write a confession about what you did wrong. Something that did wrong, something that did wrong in the past.

Good one. Good one. You need to write three confession on the three pieces of paper. All right. When I lived in the other flat, there was a fellow who used to live in it called Bruce, and he used to get his post and I'd open it. It was his old flat. I kept getting post for him years after he'd moved out. See, he's meant to be bad, that, isn't it? Carl Grimshaw, I put putty in his air and he had to have his head shaved.

That's a bit tight, won't it? And he had a funny shaped head, so it looked really bad. I'll put that down. Carl Grimshaw for Putty in his air. I had worked at this bloke shop called Bob. I was his best paper boy. So I'd collate it on my papers. Get them all, get them already, stick them in my bag. When he wasn't looking, I'd just sort of take a Mars bar, slip it up my sleeve.

Off a go, so every day. Seven a week for about two years. A lot of Mars bars. I know that. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's that. That's that. That's that. That's that. That's that. That's that. That's that. That's that. That's that. That's that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that, that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the that, the th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's that's th. I's th. I's thi. I's thi. I's the the tho' tho' thoo' thooo' tho' thoo'ope. I's tho' tho' tho' tho' the the the tho seven a week for about two years. A lot of Mars bars, I know that, that's why it's on air. It's always been playing on me mind that, because I since found out that shop doesn't make that much money from delivering papers. Yeah. Yeah. This is a healing process.

So, everything's going to be fine. The other two papers, one needs to be put on top of the mountain. The other one needs to be put in the sea. It will help you to cleanse your soul. Brilliant. Thanks a lot. Just give us a second. Just give us a sec. Just give us a sec. You are kidding me. Have you seen this?

Have you seen the things? There's no doors or anything? As soon as you open the door you could just get a full view of someone. I mean, if it was here? It's more on the things? There's no doors or anything. As soon as you open the door, you could just get a full view of someone. I mean, if it was here, it's more understandable, isn't it? Because you'd be sat here, and at least people come in and you'd sort of go, I'm in this one. But it's a bit weird to just sort of wander in and... I mean, they've made this bit, why not just finish it up and put a door on it? They've done the hard bit.

A couple of injures and a door. And there's no toilet paper. What did they do here? They just pull up the pans and walk off. Is that what you do? I'm not here to say they should bethink China was going to be like this. I thought it was going to be more... Like I said, I thought it was where they'd made the iPod. I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod. I have a toilet roll first. I mean it's weird because whenever you buy stuff like that,

the toilet and he's got to do a feel like one today. I might do. I've had a bit of a dickie belly. I best get my seat. Everyone who's walking past knows he's going to have a shit at some point today. I wouldn't like that. I wouldn't like that. You know like how when I go into a public toilet the toilet, you, you, you, you, the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th th th thi, thi, th th thi, thi, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm to, I the, I the, I the the the the the the the, I the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi, I thi, I thin, I thin, I'm thin, I'm t t t t t t t t t t t t to. t to. I'm to. I'm to. I'll to. I'll to. I'll toet you like to nip him with a coin and open the door? Yeah, well you couldn't do that here because there's no doors on the toilets. They were filming some stuff like on this street just with like traffic and stuff. I said I'm just nipping in here. Walked in and was greeted by two fellas squatting. There were chefs from the place on the corner so that's th. th. th. th. th. th. the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. thi. their their their thi. tho' their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their thi. thi. the. the. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. to. to. to. W. te. t place on the corner, so that's reassuring.

Oh no! Honest to God, one of them was on the phone taking an order. It was really... I've never seen anything like it. I don't think I could ever get used to that. You need to have your own space when doing that, and they're just there. One's on the phone's on the phone's on the phone's on the phone's on the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's just the phone's just the phone's the phone's just the phone's just the phone's just the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's the phone's just the phone looking round. That's unbelievable. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what people are watching Squire do with the information.

Chinese people have a shit with no door while taking an order for food. Well, he looked like he was sort of saying, I'll have it ready in like about five minutes. Oh no, give me ten. Yeah, I'm never going to order a number two. I'll say that. Or a poo chicken I'm a today yeah well I'm seeing the great wall today aren't I? Ricky and Steve just said get down to the bus depot where there's loads of coaches and that which you know I'm not looking forwo you know I'm not looking forward to this. Pilkington, Pilkington. Do you know what I mean?

Getting on a bus full of tourists with a fellow stood at the front yapping on, you know, with loads of history facts and just loads of stuff that you're never going to remember. Is he an English bus, English tour? Do you not understand? Licking Steve just said, come here? Sorry. Sorry. Thanks a lot. Hello.

Hello. Hello. He's nothawe Mowuche said. But Mowuche said. But Mow. Moujee. A bit of a pointless exercise really. It's pointless.

Stuck on here with a daftat on. Not understanding what's going on. I mean, this woman's friendly enough, but she's even she's sort of blanking me now. Without the tongueue, the'a's not toe, thea's theen to the so-do, to the Ho-Han Po, to the Hohan Pur, there a tell. Teng the tongue. The fellow behind me was coughing his guts up. I thought I was putting on a waterproof coat in case it rained.

I needed just for on this bus. Why did they do that? Here's the wall. I can't see it now anyway so it'll be a surprise for me. How long does it take to get there? I feel like I'm at the post office on our AP day. I feel like I'm at the post office on our AP day. Under the world. I wonder the world. Look at everyone, pushing and shoving. This is it then. It was heavily restored in both the 1950s and 1980s.

I didn't know that. Not even old bricks. Am I missing something here? So the old stuff's gone on it really. And then it doesn't count, it shouldn't be a wonder then. You can't just build something on it and still, you know, get all the tourists in when it's not what it says on the tin. What I'm looking at is basically a wimpy home. You know, you can see it for miles, it goes on for miles over the hills, th.. the th. the the th. th. th. th. to the the th. to the th. th. the th. th. th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, thiole. So, thiole, thi. So, thiole. So, thiole, thiole, thi. So, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. So, thi, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, thi. So, thi. So, the thi. So, the the the thi. So, so thi. So, so thi. So, so thi. So, so thi. So, so thiia''a'a'a'ea'ea'ea'ea'ea'ea' thi. So, thi. So, th What I'm looking at is basically a wimpy home. You know, you can see it for miles, it goes on for miles over the hills and everything. But so does the M6.

Do you know what I mean? You can see that for miles. And you go great, and that does a job. You can drive know that the wall isn't that good. It's like what else can we give them? We've charged them like seven quid to get in to see an old wall. It's not an old wall, it's from the 1980s. I've got a mate who's got some bears. Have you here? Stick them down at the bottom. There are. Look at him, stood up. Evolution. The driver's getting involved, chucking it food, because he's not into apple, is he?

I've seen what he likes eating. If that was some sort of squid with a tumor on its head, he'd be tucing into it. He's not into fruit. To be honest, I fancy getting in there and getting a mouth fullful. It's the first normal food I've seen since I've been a... You have one, new message. Hello, Maine, Steve Merchant here. How you doing? I heard that you went to see the Great Wall of China today. I'm sure you enjoyed it. And actually, Ricky and I want you to see more of it. And we like you to see all of the Great Wall. Literally all of it. We want you to to tapel to to to the entire to the entire to to to the entire to to to the entire to to the entire to to the entire to see to see the entire the entire to see to see the entire to see the entire to see to see to see the to see the their to see the the the to see to see to see the to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see to see their to see to see their their their their their their their their their theto see all of the Great Wall. Literally all of it.

We want you to travel the entire length of the wall. So, enjoy it. See you. What's the point of that? Yeah, I'm just a bit annoyed today because, you know, I thought I'd seen the Great Wall of China, which, being honest with you, it's not the Great Wall it's an all right wall it's the all right wall of China but you know I thought I'd seen it and then Steve calls up with some bright idea saying oh I want you to see more of it in fact I want you to see

all of it it it's just stupid you have one new message Oh come on, mate. Come on. I would be in contact. You're not on holiday. You still got other business to attend to, you know the rules. Give us a call. Are you having a laugh?

This isn't a great wall, is it? You kidding me? I mean, I like the way there's no tourists and that. But then why would they be? This is the original wall, isn't it? Or is it? I don't know, is it just badly done? This is pretty shit, isn't it? You meant to be out of sea from the moon, aren't you the Great Wall?

Would you want to? Neil Armstrong getting his binoculars out. Hocking on, have you seen it from up here, Buzz? Jesus! The fortune teller told me that, you know, I had to get rid of one of my sins on a mountain, so I might as well do it whilst I'm up here. That was the one about Carl Grimshaw getting put in his air.

But you know, it's worth doing, isn't it? It means I'm not going to have heart attack. I've been travelling for three days, I've walked miles. And let's face it, there's only so much time you can look at anything. And the only reason I've come to this bit of the wall is because Steve said that, there's a little village close by, and you know, he knows someone who's going to sort me some dinner out. Niel. Yeah. Are you all right?

He's a big lad. He's a big lad. He's a big lad. Eubel I'll give you a thoan just a little bit, a little bit, a little bit of, not big. Oh, full. Don't they seem like nice people? I mean, I can tell that, just even though I can't speak their language and stuff. You've got some food for me. It's nice, but it's just a bit awkward if it's something I don't like in it because I can't... You know you can have, you can use your hands to say certain things, but what can you do if it's something I don't like?

I can't sort of make a lie up. What is that? What is that? What is that? Right, forget it. Forget it. It's the fucking hell the massive toads. Yeah, it's toads in a carrier bag. I looked at the wrong time. I didn't really want to look, but when I turned around it looked like she was having a wrestle-wom. And I heard like, doof. So I'm'm guessing the toad wasn't winning. Then I've been told it tastes like chicken sausage.

You just eat it and think, yeah, it's chicken, it's chicken. It's just nice chicken. Why did she have to cave it's heading out here? Why can she just do it inside somewhere and then I'd eat it. Tell me after, all right, yeah, I'll look a minute. Unless they knew we were coming, couldn't they have just got something normal? Why didn't you say to him? No. Is it alright if I bring Carl around? Cook him something.

Yeah, yeah, of course you can. Yeah. What does he like to eat? Do you like toad? Surely? I mean, I know you don't know me that well. that. I've never said to you, do you know what, I'd love a bit of Toad. I've never said that to you. You could have just nipped it in the bud there and then gone, ah he's not a fan of that. It's not, I don't like it. They're waving me over. It's because it's like a murder scene, but a bit of Toad's head there. Oh look at this. Chicken chicken, chicken. Just a little bit because I'm not very good with these. It's better than me. That just looks like noodles. Mmm. Nice. Lots of that. Oh, I love it. Love it.

Mmm. Try this. Just chew in. You can. I'm gonna eat. I think the baby's choking. I think the baby's choking. No, no.

Eating toad was weird. Um. I had a little bit of toad. What is the towe? What is the towest like? Like, uh, chicken? No, chicken. This woman was forcing it to me. She was saying, no, eat it, eat it.

to eat it. Every time I swallowed it, it was coming back up. It was like it was still alive and the legs were still kicking itself out of the head. Right, no more. What's he making then? Not a toilet door, I know that much. Hello? What are you making? What is this? Coffing?

Coffin? Is this for someone local? This lady here? It's for this lady. She looks pretty healthy. It's better to make it now because when you are young you prepare those things. When you're old you won't be able to organize this. Don't it depress you're seeing this every day when you leave your house?

Not the way it looks, I think it's a nice looking coffin as coffins go. But I don't want to be reminded that I that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm going that I'm going that I'm going to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to I don't want to be reminded that I'm going to die, not every day. I'm not scared of death, I'm not worried about it. All right. Maybe you can help me sending the coffin. I mean, my flight isn't big enough to have something like this hanging around and I haven't got any outside space. So I'd have to have a parking permit for this. So I couldn't be doing this at home, but there's something good about it because as you get older, you know, she's

in the 60s. It's a nice little project, isn't it? She's got allotment. This is probably sorted out. She's not have to worry about that. The house is probably paid for, and you need something to do to keep you going. If you haven't got any little project, that's when you die. So in a way, it's just something that when she goes to bed at night, she's got a little to-do list in her head. Oh, coffee needs to be varnished. Oh, oh a little. Oh, oh a little. Oh, oh a little. Oh, oh a little. Oh, oh a little. Oh, oh a little. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, a little. Oh, a little. Oh, a little. Oh, a little the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, and you, their, and their, and their, and their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their, their. A, their. A, their. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A tod-a, tod-a, today, today, today, today, the, the, the, the. And, the, thi, their thished, I'll have to sort that out. There's not that much health around here, is they? To keep your mind busy. Look at this, he's gone off now. He's having his lunch. He left me here doing this. You have one new message. Hello Carmai, Stephen here.

I just want to leave you a good message. We've sorted something out for you. Um, one of the great elements of Chinese culture. Very popular, of course, in the UK in the 70s. We've arranged for you to see some Kung Fu, my friend, Kung Fu, yeah? Enjoy it. Canfu? What I want to see Kong Fu for? It's violent, isn't it? It's pretty impressive the way everyone's remembered the kit. There's never like this for me at school. About 25 minutes was just spent with all the kids try to find a pair of shorts out of lost property

because no one ever remembered to bring the kit. So it's more like a Trini and Susanna than a PE lesson. We'd all be sort of going to these, you're the type. I'll just just just just just just just justtaken seriously the PE teacher wasn't a proper PE teacher he did geography when he wasn't doing PE well that's why we have a load of fat kids Leo how are you we're welcome to Shaolin and where the original Kung Fu coming from and you were

going to see the Kung Fu training. All right. This is the metal and they were going to put front of the throat. Even I use my finger just have a little touch. All right, yeah just tell me you don't have to do, yeah. And you will have a very big truck on the bottom. Yeah, it did. Oh, hey. Yeah. Yeah. What, that's got hurt, though, isn't it?

That's got to hurt, though, isn't it? So I'll see you outside the hotel, that's sort of our 4 quarter to 5. 4 a.m. Okay. Four in the morning. Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? I can't tell they're hard to read. All right. That's good, isn't it?

You know, I've been walking the wall for the last few days, you know, aching all over. That's good, isn't it? I've been walking the wall for the last few days, you know, aching all over, and now he wants me to get up at 4 in the morning to do some Kung Fu. It's nice and relaxing, isn't it? He just went, like that. Oh, Aye. Come. Where did he eat it there, didn't he? No.

Oh! Oh! No. No. You know I'm joking was he when he said he was going to come round at 4. He was just having a bit of fun with me. Nice start to the day, moon's still out. Yeah, the thing is I don't know what power I've got. That's the thing. If I start wrestling with him, I don't know how strongly I might do some damage by accident because I don't go about punching people and stuff so I don't know how hard I

can hit. I might really hurt him. Say if I'm just a proper mugger. I'm walking the street right? I look at you I'm going this way. Yeah hang on a minute just get back a bit so so I'm walking down the street and I think this fellow looks like he's got a few quid. And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go. Excuse me, I haven't got the time on you. Listen, give us your money. All right. Gows your money.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah. What do I happen? Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah, I got it first time. Come on! Come on! Go off! Quick! Quick!

Twack him twuck! He doesn't know what me health is. At no point since I've been here, has he gone? No, Carla, you know, it's a serious issue. Have you got any health problems? He's always pushing a little bit more. He loves giving pain out. He's not a Buddhist, is he? He's a lunatic.

Do it. Do it. Right. Right. Right. What am I doing? Seriously, what is going on here? OK, fast.

Give you a challenge. What's the other challenge? This glass, balloon. I'm going to throw the needle from this way to get this balloon. You're going to throw a needle through the glass, hit the balloon, hole in glass? So you're going to... Hey! I'm going a minute! Right. One, two. Yes. Hole in glass? Yes. So you can... Hey, hang a minute. Right. One.

Two. No way. Jesus. I'm impressed with that. You want to have a try? Here we go. Quiet please. Quiet please. Quiet please. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. I'm not cut out for Kung Fu, I know that much. That shouldn't hurt it, should I? I'm not cut out for Kung Fu. I know that much. That shouldn't hurt, should it? Just having a cup of tea. With all these aches and pains and that, you know, Ricky and Steve have sorted me out with a Chinese massage which isn't like then that. Get the socks off. It's how it starts, isn't it?

You are having a laugh. Come on now. Oh my God. See that? Is that normal? I'm gonna go straight back here. Foy. Right, that's hot now, that's mental. Right, that's hot. That's hot. Fucking hell. What is she doing? What is she doing? That's hot now, that's mental. Now that's hot, that's hot. Fucking help!

What is she doing? What is she doing? I've seen massages on the tele. You don't normally have to have a fire extinguisher on standby when you're having a fucking massage. What is this doing? What is this traditional Chinese massage? But why? Why is this fire to me? What good is it doing me? Don't just stand there saying

it's traditional, it's traditional, it's what they do here, it's a delicacy. What is she doing? When have gloves on fire ever been associated with having a massage? Yeah, I can feel it. I can feel it. I might as well I walked in there. I walked in there. I walked in there. I walked in there. I walked in there. I walked in there. I walked in there. I walked in there. I walked in there. I walked in their their. I walked in th. I walked in th. I walked in th. I walked th. I walked th. I walked th. I'm th. I'm thi. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th th th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the. I'm tod try. try. I'm try. toda' try today try try today try today the. I'm the. I'm the. by Edward Scissorands. Right, I felt like, put it out, put it out, please. It's not a good sort of combination, that really. Having something done like that with a woman who can't understand me. This leg's fine, Teller. This leg is great. I just want this one doing them, we can go. I just want this one do you then we can go. Ah, that's what, ma'am. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, that. that. that. that. that, thi, that, that, that, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. It, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I've thi. It's that that to just just just toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. It, to just justthem, we can go. Ah, that's what, girl. Maybe she's just a frustrated magician or something.

I couldn't get a gig doing magic, ends up doing back rubs and she's come up with an idea with having gloves that are on fire. I'd scream my head often, because it was... And I'm not messing either for the cameras, because I don't really do that. It really hurt. Ah! What was that bleeping sound? Fire alarm.

Well, I've travelled miles, aren't the end of it, is it? I thought, I mean, I thought you meant to save the best till last, but... What is this? Bloody hell. Well, that's where it ends, in it. I mean, he haven't got another message from Steve saying, right, get your snorkelkel out you still haven't seen it all and this definitely isn't new is it? They still got Andy working on it sounds of things. It doesn't feel like a wonder of the world. Just this bit I liked it up on the ills where nobody was but you got a fella down there selling hot dogs they've built a bit of a

conservatory on it over there, gloak-flogging photographs, and them lot banging. Non-stop. I don't get it though, how come, I mean that's, this isn't protecting anything is it? Because if the enemy was coming down there, come across there, buy a dog, and then they want to get over it. I'm gonna take your shoes and socks off. It's not even that deep there. You can just wander around it. So what is it protected? that I've got to get rid of. There's an old Chinese proverb by this Mao fella that says a toad in a well only gets toe in a well only gets to see some of the sky. And if the toad came up, you'd see more of the world. Which, you know, is a bit like me in a way.

I've seen more of the world just from doing this. I don't know if it's made me a better person or not. But he's saying it is, he's saying, if you get out of the well and see the bigger picture, it's good for you. It's good for th th th th th th th th th th thi th thi th th thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thoome. thoomomoomoome, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. It's thi. It's tooooooooooooooooooooooaa. It's toooooooooe. It's toea. It's tode. It's tha well and see the bigger picture. It's good for you, but I'd say it isn't. And the thing is it's not even worth getting out and seeing more sky here because of all the pollution. And definitely if you're a toad, I won't get out of any whole way because they'll grab you and cut your head off and eat you. the the La La.