The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Xfm S3E1 (November 1 ,2003)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

During the hiatus, Pilkington signed on with Gervais and Merchant’s talent agent, and negotiated a deal with XFM to get Mondays off in exchange for continuing to do The Ricky Gervais Show on Saturdays. This was a frequent topic of contention during this run with Gervais repeatedly accusing Pilkington of being lazy for demanding an entire day off on exchange for doing 2-hours of work on Saturdays.This show began airing again in November 2003 and broadcast for 12 weeks until January 2004 when Gervais and Merchant went on hiatus to film series 1 of their new show, ‘’Extras’’.

Talk then, someone should talk. It's obviously already, already a shambles. Can you believe that? I'm amazed that we're back on the air and it's already a shambles. What are you doing? What? What's all that? I'm talking, no one was speaking.

It was just, well I might shut off. Already I'm sure off. It's like nothing's changed. Burse. the th't we, Carl? I'm Ricky DeVayes, with me Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilkington. I'm not coming back, I'm definitely not coming back. Oh, oh, oh, care, someone, care that I'm not coming back. I seem to remember at the end of, yeah, the end of the last time we were on, what was that, to bring him back, he didn't enjoy it, wasn't going to do it. All the rooes, right? Really? Yes, I've known him coming back so about two months, you know, because he's got

our agent now, representing him. I thought he was a form now, really. Why? What was he done for me? What's he done for us? No I know, but I mean, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've coming, I've coming, I've coming, I've coming, I've coming, I've coming, I've coming, I've coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming coming coming coming, coming, I've coming, coming coming coming coming coming coming coming coming coming coming coming coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, I've coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, and so, coming, and so, and so, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, coming, coming, coming, and so, and so, and so, and so, and he, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, so, and so, and so, and so, I'm coming, I'm coming, coming, coming, and so, coming, and so, and so, and so, and he's coming, and he's could get Mondays off. Poor Graham, the station's struggling enough as it is, it's like running around like a headless chicken. No one's listening, no one's listening, that's why I don't bother talking on a record then, because there's no loss to London. Sure. Right? It's pointless, this show.

to do it. the show. . I know. But it's all a ruse to get Monday's as he's got Mondays off now because he has to do the show two hours, right, and he's still getting paid. And it's all a con because he knows that he's holding him over a barrel and it's like, oh we've got to keep Carl happy. Right? I had Mondays and Shoes off before Duncan got involved. Loeb's the thinne tho' thinn' thi' th. And thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin'-lue, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, and he's thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the, right, right, right, and he, and he's, and, you know, it's a sinking ship. And then Carl Clinton, well I, you know, I do it, but I want Mondays off. They, he's probably sitting home now, his family, he's probably ridiculed by his wife. Yeah, well his kids almost certainly would have lost all respect for him. He's been fools by Kyle Pilking. He calls his mates. He calls, he's, he, he, he, he, he, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you, you, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you, you, you, you, you, you, and I, and I, and I, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, I'll, I'll, I'll, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, you know, th. And, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, I just can't think. It's just, it's embarrassing. But you know what I mean? And you think it's funny and you think you've got one over him, he's going on Monday's off two hours. Yeah you do, yeah you do, you think it was. And now you're embarrassed

we've still not on air. But you're only, you're only conning yourself in the long one? Because, do you know what I mean? I hate that sort of, the world, the world, th. th. th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, yeah, I'm, yeah, yeah, I'm, yeah, I th. And, I th. And, I, I, I th. And, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah. And, yeah. And, yeah. And, yeah. And, yeah. And, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah. And, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, yeah, yeah, you. And, you. And, you. And, you. And, you. And, you. And, I. And, I. And, I'm. And, I'm. And, I'm. And, I'm. And, I'm. And, I'm. And, I'm. And, I'm. I'm. And, I th. And, going to prepare Monday? I told you, I don't. What have you prepared for this show now? You've had three months to prepare. What have you got? What have you got for us? Okay, what's happened in the last three months? Uh, what have you got for us? Give it to us. We've kind of updated rockbusters a bit. Right? Brilliant. Yeah. All right. So, and you said don't mess with it. If something's good, don't mess with it. What do you mean it wasn't good? It was never good. It was fun to do, it was a laugh. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. the th. thi. the the the thi. the thi. thi. the. the. the. the. the. the. thea. the. thea. the. toooooooo Of course we had to fix it. It was fun to do. It was a laugh. I mean much more, I imagine it was much more fun for me than the 450 listeners.

I'm like, you know what I mean? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed squeezing your head and dressing you at no. No, but that's just it when I had a meeting with Graham, right. I said, look, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I'm much much. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I'm much much much much much much. I'm much. I'm much. I'm much. I'm much. I'm much. I'm much. I'm much. I'm much. I'm much. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'm much. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I imagine. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm not being funny, I don't want to do it anymore. I've had enough of it. Yeah. And he was like, oh what's up with you? You sounds like you have a right, good laugh. I said, yeah, but that's, you know, that's all good acting and stuff. I said it's hell in there. Um, I said that I- Like, he's talking about not a word. I said he's putting a dustbin lid on my head. Yeah. You told this to the end. He's hitting me with a tray. He's chucking toilet paper at me.

And he said, yeah, but that's all over two years. Okay then, what has changed in three months? They're listening, they've been listening for six minutes now, come on, give us something. Better nickel back. What's happened in three days? What, in my life or yeah? Nothing's happened here, nothing's changed here. But, I don't know, well, uh, do you know last time we were on? Yeah. Right? And I was telling you about the woman over the road, where I live. The one that walked around naked? There's a woman who walks about the flat naked, right? This is when Carl was watching a woman naked.

Then she looked at, saw him looking, so what he did, this is the genius he did to get out of this. He pulled the the the naked too. His girlfriend comes in and goes, Carl, what are you doing? He went, I can't tell you now, but don't look out of the window. Yeah, go on, sorry. The right woman, she's bought some blinds. But I look and we wind up like this, and why were we able to... It all. Nickleback, Sunday on XFM, 104. How old's the bloke from Nickleback? He looks about 40. It reminds me of, you know, when a kid's made up at a fate to look like a lion. You know what I mean? It's like a wist of Oz Lion. But you know good tune. I'll be controversial I think rock

rules the world again Steve. I don't hope so mate. Do you know I mean? Are we gonna hear some rock later in the show? We're gonna hear lots of rock. I might even play a little bit of rainbow. Just to you know we've got the darkness but I want to remind to remind the the the to remind we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we to remind we to remind we to remind we to remind we to remind we to remind we to remind to remind to remind to remind to remind to remind to remind to remind the to remind the to remind the to remind the You've heard the Liz. Yeah, yeah. You're going to hear the bow. Cheers mate, thanks for that. No, just high five. Yeah, yeah. So, Carl, keep it real. Here we are then. Before we carry on, I just thought, it's weird, I was reading some of the fan emails and stuff we've got, and one of the things a lot of people like, it actually it devised the listeners is your laugh. It's. It's. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th. It, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thi, thi, to keep, to to to keep to keep to, keep to, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep. So, keep. So, keep. So, keep, keep, keep, keep. So, keep, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. So, to, th. So, to, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, the, the, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, they. Yeah, to, they. So, to, they. So, they find it infectious, they find it adorable. I mean close up in a small space like a kitchen summer. It's annoying, like a car was annoyed because I squeaked in his ear earlier, didn't I? Sure. Why did I laugh?

He was on the toilet? I think I squeezed his head, didn't I? And he said, no, it's notthe scozen one. The funny thing is right, we're out a few weeks ago with a mate of mine, right? And he went to squeeze me head, right, give it a squoze. And I was like, don't do that. You know, you know I don't like it, right? And Ricky said to me, mate, yeah, he doesn't like him and his head to squoes. As if it's for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, there's a little taster of the laugh. That was more the kind of deep throaty laugh, the belly laugh, but there's that kind of high peach squeak that you do. When I've got to get air out quickly. Because I'm going to burst.

Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes. and they try and get out to it. So I have to get out really fast like a like a siren. Right. Do you know what I mean? Is that how you explain the fact that you're quite fat? Yeah, it's all just laughed. It's just laughed. Every time you laugh you become a svelt young thing, like Brett Anderson. Oh dear. Well anyway Laugh, which was a great game. I remember the first one, it was that fella drinking a pint of beer. Yeah. I remember the very first time. I tell you it, it's not great. You know what though, Aunt Debt do it now, they do, they do, actually, it I was looking through the paper in the week and there was a picture which, which, um, which I think, it might be a Ricky Gervais, make Ricky Javis laugh. I don't know. Again, obviously doesn't really work for the listeners at home, but I'll try and do my best

to describe it. Can we stop saying their name? Can we stop saying Ricky Gervais. Well, what are we going to refer to you as? All right, well, make Fatty Laugh, is a new game. I'm trying to get one of those squeaks of a laugh. I'm concerned because I know. Look, I'm not a monkey. Sure, you're not before me monkey. No, OK. But let me just briefly summarize the story for those. The headline was, Mum, 48, a mother of 48, seduced boy of 14. Well, that's not funny.

Not her own boy, obviously, but a neighborhood child. I don't think it's a funny story so far. He said, Grand Lana Allen, 48, led him upstairs and undressed to her waist, then took his troutes off. Okay, bear that in mind, this is a quote from him right. Beard mind he's a 14 year old boy he's quite excited about this. He says then we had sex it was every boy's fantasy. All right. You're going to show me the picture of her now.

So it's a picture. Bear in mind. In his own words, this was every boy's fantasy. Okay. Here's the picture. It's a silent laugh. He's collapsed on the floor. I was expecting that. I was not expecting that. I was not expecting that.

Oh my God. Oh God. She looks like the drama of Iron Maiden. She looks a bit like Lemmy. But I tell you she looks like she makes me off most. Did you see those? I don't think they've got all with a fag on as well. No, I know.

That's it's a bit out of makeup though. Carl have you seen every boy's fantasy? You should see, you should see. You should see. You should see. Oh, how old is she? Oh, oh God. How old is she? 48? Oh, oh God, 48, that's lovely.

Nothing wrong with that. I'll say, if you don't know what, if you didn't see, you weren't looking enough to see the picture, she looks just like the oldest man in the world. His photo was on, uh, in the newspaper is on the web for a while. He was he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he was he was he was he was he was he was he was he was he was he was he was he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about, he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was about he was he was about he was he was he for what he was about 135 or something yeah yeah Carl yeah it's you know Carl's got a theory that Chinese people don't age well this man was a he was a giant man right and he was a hundred and twenty or something yeah did you see a picture of him yeah he's still alive no it's not he died died 120 so he said 120 so he said 120 or but it makes you wonder what makes you wonder well well you wonder? Well because they don't age well. I think he's using that. It's probably about 37. Oh God, honestly we walked down the

street right and we see an elderly Chinese person, right? And um, and um, and um, Carla go, oh, I'm just think it is. Like, it's not, it's not, I I don't know this this notion that Chinese people don't age well I don't know what where this has come up to no I mean I'm not having a go no I never want anyone to think I'm like having a go at him but they are really good looking and they're healthy in that till they're about their thi i've they're about i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i've they're not i've I've never seen one right? Can you can you tell me if you've seen a Chinese person who's about

30? So it's always, he's either 20 or 50. There's no middle ground. This is what I came back for. This is two hours of absolute drivel from the brain of Carth Wilkinton. Let me just check something. So the guy, the Chinese gentleman who died recently, he was 130. Your theory is, your theory is that he's maybe in his late 30s early 40s. Yeah, this is an elaborate conspiracy on his part because obviously whenever they talk about the oldest people in the world it is always a Chinese person, yeah, they do, yeah. And they seem to win that every year. So your theory is that in those small backwater villages in China. Ross. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, th, th. th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tho, their thi, thi, thi, th. This, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, the, the, their, their their their their their their their their their theory, their their their their their their their their their their their their their So your theory is that in those small Batwater villages in China... Ross McWurter comes to a little village.

They go with the Guinness guys on the road. Well, until recently the oldest person in the world, how old are you? And they're so embarrassed because they think they look about under 20, they go, 120, they go, really go, yeah, can't have his papers. Didn't have his papers, no. So, is this the same one or a different fellow try it on? I'm not sure I'm not sure. Try it on. Look, God.

So there's a huge conspiracy amongst these Chinese villages that are retiring. When you get to about 50, say you're 70. Because no one to believe us. Well, if you can confirm or deny that, then, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, th. tho, tho, tho, thin, thee. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Look, th. Look, th. Look, th. Look, th. Look, th. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, tha. So, tha. So, to. So, tha. So, to. So, tho. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, th racist Joe on XFM 104.9 call in if you're anything less than a little mank. Outcast, Hey Ya on XFM, 104.9. With me, Ricky Javais, you, Stephen Merchant, GQ, Presenter's the Year. Radio personalities of the year, GQ, Presenters of the Year. Radio Personalities of the Year. It's official. We're the best radio personalities of the year.

We got that award sent to us, didn't we? But it was only R2 names on it. It had your name, Rick, definitely. And your name? Didn't he can't see Carpagin' his name any? No. And yet he's he got he the the the the the the the th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the th. Radio. Radio. Radio. Radio. R. Radio. R. Radio. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the one with the day off and the money and the con in the MD and making him cry at home. Let me just remind, can I just check that again? So he's made a fool out of the MD and all the major, basically all the capital shareholders. Oh I'm not sure if I'm coming back on or not he can do instead of rockbusters, which is basically blockbusters with a word changed. Christ's sake. Right. If that's annoyed you, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what is really weighing me up.

Go on. The last week or so, this postal strike. I'll tell you, Rick, I have got no, I've got a thaged, thaged, thaged, thaged, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr... thro. tho. thoo. thoo'''-a'er, tho'er, tho'a'-a'er. tho'er's, tho'er. tho'er, have got no sympathy for him. I'd be a scab, I'd be walking through there and I'd be, no, and I'd be giving him the finger, I go, you can intimidate my family, I don't care. I don't care, I don't care, because the post has got to get through. Because I'll tell you what, um, it's not, it's not, it's not the fact the unions, you know, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're, the, the, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, it, it, it, the, the, the, the, the, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, the, the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, I'll, I's going crazy. Maybe Carl could deliver a few records Monday. Well, I know Carl must be livid because he's probably his copies of the new scientist and the literary review haven't turned up. So he's in a terrible way. And I got important documents that are supposed to be coming to me. There to spread now amongst other organisations and other groups. And do you know what the... Like a cancer. It was partly because I was cooking.

But you know I suddenly become terrified that they might go on strike. Go on? The guys in charge of the potatoes. Oh, I mean, anyone involved potatoes. Oh, I mean, anyone involved. I had so much sit on the edge of a seat so my stomach could hang down. I love spuds. Spuds and bread. I could not do without spuds and bread. I feel like maybe I could make my own bread. Spuards. I wouldn't know where to start with a spud. Spud, I wouldn't know where the spud. I wouldn't know where the spoids. Yeah. And it's like, they're amazing. You know, the broiling. I the broi. I the broi. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the spoi. the spoi. the spoi. th. the spoi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, you know, the death trap fire, what's it, polystarring ceiling was yellow. Exactly. Come Wednesday in

our house. And we always had chips. Because all I remember hearing, if I think back to my childhood, all I remember was got a stop and get some potatoes. Well that was, that was your job wasn't it? Can't you get the potatoes? I mean it genuinely, it does concern't, to to to to to to to to to to to to the, get, get, get, get, get, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that was that was your job wasn't it? Can't the potatoes? I mean it genuinely it does concern me because it's... What did you have to do? Did you have to fill a diary out for your teacher? Do you know when you're at school? I don't know if you do the same thing but you get like a little red book right? And every night I think it was a way of the teachers sort of... So so so so so so so so so so so so.. So. So you you you you you you you you you you were. So if. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to fill a to fill a to fill a to fill a to fill a to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. Did. Did. Did. Did you their you didn't you didn't have a their. Did you their. Did you their their. Did you didn't have to fill a their. Did you Yeah. But I didn't get up to that much at that point. I used to just go on my errands. Yeah. And it was my job to like... I haven't had errand for since the 7th. It's nice to go. I went to U-F- H U, G, H, U phase. Oh, it's his name, right.

And I just had to get, I just had to get like a bag of potatoes and a loaf. So I used to put that in my diary every day and it got to a point when like even the teachers were like just make something up. Yeah. Stop putting the same thing in. I remember when James Little, she was at school I think it was about telling something like to do a project over the week and they were giving a big list of like a list of a hundred animals that had to tick when they saw one that week and the teaching is she cheated because she ticked beaver so she was

trying to win again as she knew unless it was Susie Dibblwhite fever. I know Dibbley I had a lot. I don't know maybe. I don't know. But, um, yeah, so, uh, potato strikes. It feels like the potato people have got me over a barrel. You know, I mean they could hike the prices up. I still have to buy the tators. I got nothing else. I got out of that. do potatoes are gonna go on strike. I don't think so. Could we just go pick them ourselves don't we? Or grow them ourselves? Sure. What would be the most point in this strike?

What would be the strike that we went so? Do you tell you what I'll tell you? I'll tell you the strike that we'd go those guys who do sku do do th who th who th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho they they they would do they they they'd do tho tho they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they tho they tho tho tho tho tho tho to to tho to go go go go go tho go tho tho go tho tho thoo thoooo tho tho tho tho th a caricature of you. Imagine the strike! You go and you go, well I want one with a big nose and a big chin. I want an amusing caricature of me and my sister. Yeah, okay. Oh dear. But I need a sketch, I need a pencil drawing of Leonardo DiCaprio. Looking like a monkey? I mean, how are we going to get this? This is unbelievable. Yeah. I'll tell you also, I'll also, I'll also, I'll the the the strikes also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also, I'll the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes strikes the strikes the strikes, the strikes strikes strikes, the strikes, the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes the strikes that strikes that strikes that strikes that strikes that strikes that strikes that strikes that strikes that's strikes that's you also the strikes that have no effect, those people in in nightclub toilets who just you know kind of there they got the links deodorant sprays.

I don't know quite controversial at the moment with the Tweedy case. Oh the show or Tweedy case. Do you know what I mean? Sure I got some thoughts on that actually like what? Well thought? Well thought um. Steve mentioned thoughts. Some of a coming up some Steve mentioned thoughts on the show a tweedy thing. So what's a whole one four point nine? Samari and Rick. What's the frequency can't? Yeah, yeah. I never used to be done back with me, ohhhh, BIN, bitty, bitty, bitty-m. What's the frequency Kenneth? It's 104.9XFM.

I'm ready to advise with me Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Carl, the user Pilkington. Just takes, takes, takes, takes, takes, destroyed a man. I got over not with you Steve. You should talk like that more. It's cool and sexy. Thank you. I make it clear now I do not condone in any way shape or form what Cheryl Tweedy did but I have to say they wind me up. By they you mean to toyle attendance. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes not not some pop the winners. That's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's I I I I I I I that's I that's I that's I that's I that's I that's that's that's that's that's th that's that's th th you the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th that's that's that's I I I I I I I that's I that's I that's I that's I that's I th th that's I th th th th the I the I the the the the thee I thee I the thee I thee I the the the the the the the the the the the the the they wind me up. By they you mean toilet attendants. Yes yes yes yes yes

not some pop idol winners. That's what I thought you went there. But because I'll tell you what it is you go into a club or pubs or big trendy pubs you go in there and there's the toilet attendant in there he's got his little display of aftershaves, sprays, some sweets maybe, whatever it might, yeah, maybe a lollipop. And alright, I don't know if they're in, I assume they're not employed by the club. I'm assuming the club's got, we got the d-chair, we got the bar staff, wait a minute, we need a guy, do they, the toilet. But the thing is it's the fact that, the toilet attendant is fair enough. I mean, I'm happy if a toilet attendant sneaks in undercover darkness, cleans it for me and

then shoots off, but it's when I have to see them there. I feel guilty. I've their their their their their their their their their their their their. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it, I'm, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ta, ta, the the the ta, the the toy... Toi. Ta, the ta, toy. Toi. Toi. Toi. Toi. Thea, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, towel suddenly I got a tip him like a quid or something. It annoys me because they're that I wash my hands at all. I don't usually wash my hands. I sometimes don't even bother get him a knob out. I do it by standing and change my trousers when I get home. So it's annoys me I have to go through this charade of getting it out of, slashing it out of it, shaking it dry and then washing the th, so, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, sometimes, sometimes, I'll, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, I'm, sometimes, I'm, sometimes, sometimes, I'm tho, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, I, I, I, sometimes, I, I, I, I, sometimes, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm th. I'll, I'm th. I'm then, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, sometimes, I'm not, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, I But not to hand me a paper towel, I can get it myself. I know. It's this guilt. And sometimes I'll hold it in because I'm different. I don't want to go back in there. It's costing me a fortune.

What annoys me is a posh. It's a pound of piss. it because he's got to feed his kids. But it's the fact that I've got to look him in the eye. You know, it's like he's humanized, you know, if he was only dehumanized, Rick. If he was, if I could see him and I didn't think he was a human being, I wouldn't feel guilty. If he could sort of hide under, under the urinal, perhaps, doesn't say anything to the hands you can see like, you know, handgun, and then I go, I'd put a pound in, I'd take the thing, put a pound in, nick a lolly pop and run away. No agro. Exactly. It's the fact I've got to see them and I feel guilty because you know, I'm on pleading for them. Can they not do it anymore? Can they maybe get a job illegal

minicabin or something? Please? Like, God. X-F-1. X-F-1. X-F-M. Born again. Born again. Born again.

to Starze on X-F-M.04. We're back. It's the same old email address, if people want to get in touch, Ricky. Dr. Javais at XFM. the UK. We've had a couple of emails Rick. Someone, actually Ian, he's emailed and he said that because of the postman, it's his wife's birthday today. She's had no cards or presents because, presumably, because she's got their, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, to, to, too, too, the, too, too, too, too, too, too, to. to. to. too, too, too, too, to. to. to. to. to, to, to, to, too, too, too, too, too, is, is, is, is, is. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. to. the they. they. the the too, the the the too. the the the too. the too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too, too, Suzanne's birthday again, because she knows that the post-strike won't be on around that time.

All right, Carl. Anyway, so would you just say happy birthday to Tracy? Have those condoms run out yet that you've got for Christmas? Carl. I've still got them. Yeah? Just say happy. Just say happy birthday. and then as well Aden who's a troning to let us know he's actually listening in Northern Ireland. So we're we've gone international.

Sure now there's also a question here a questionnaire has been sent in by Ruth Chamberlain at Cordwainers College. Cordwainers College seems a weird. It used to yeah it's either used to be a poly or a lawn dress. Anyway it's something that she's doing for um, she's studying product design for the fashion industry and anyway, she's got some questionnaire and we're obviously, we're too busy and important to fill out the questionnaire, but we thought maybe you can answer it, Carl. Look, he's yawning, he's looking around, he's only got to do two hours and he gets a whole day off and he's getting paid for it for doing this that he's so weak where he should have squosed your head and kicked you out of the building. So let's have a little

bit of effort. You've only got an hour and a quarter to do, then you get two days off, all right? All right. Right, Carl, it's a questionnaire about happiness. Oh yeah. There's one person. Well that should answer it right where where the happy scale, where are th? th? th? th the th the th th the th th th th the th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th thathea thathea thathea' thathea' thathea' thathea, thatuoome thatuoomorrow thatresuoes that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So th. So thathea, thathea, thathea, thate, thate, thate, thate, thate, thatea' thatea' thatea' thatea' thate. So, th first question, Carl, on a happy scale of 1 to 10, where are you on the happy scale? Is it at this moment or in general? Well, I would say generally. Okay. Yeah, but you don't always have to like, I mean, I think I'm happy in that. But I don't always show it.

You never show it. No, but it doesn't mean I'm not happy in that. Like I'm all right at the moment. I'd say I'm probably on a, it's probably on about an eight, I was at, it's probably about a nine when I woke up, right? And then sort of fell out with Susanne over her hair cut. Right? She went for a cut and came back with something that I didn't like. Sorry, what did you say? So when your girlfriend walked the door set of hair down? You said, I don't th. all right? Do you say that? Well, she could tell about the look on my face. But you don't you say, no, I'm happy with it, I just can't tell. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Because then she might have it done again. I've got, I just cannot get over you. I really can't, I can't, I can't, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I can't, I, I, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, the, the the the the, the the the, the, I've the, I've the, I've the, I the, I the, so then I was fed up, but then I thought... Sorry, what authority have you got to talk about haircuts? Yeah, you had that, you had the... well, officially from a barber in Manchester above a railway station in a shack, it was two pounds a cut, told you have the hair of a Chinaman? Well, you wish you were the air of a Chinaman now, you got don't know. Well, she knows now, don't she?

What did you say? What could she do about it though? I just said you look like someone out of Slade. Interestingly, that's what I look for in a girlfriend. Oh God! Which one was a slay? That one with a funny, uh... Not Dave Ill. Yeah. The one with a crooked fringe in the goofy... she had your teeth done as well, did she? She had two front teeth put in? Dumper. So anyway, I'm not... So, so prior to that you're on a 9. Then you saw the haircut, you're on an 8.

Yeah. Now what you want? And then, uh, I'm probably on about a 6 or six. So generally speaking, what would you say you are normal? You want to have a four? All right. What would you give someone who wasn't very happy? What would you give them? What are you thinking, Carl? Depends why they're not upy? They're not, they're low, okay, so what would you give them? I mean if you, yeah, depends, isn't it? If it's someone who's just lost their arms and legs in an accident, you don't give them a lollipop. Sure, or some mittens. Yeah. You give him a hat. Yeah.

Yeah. And, dare I say it, a smile. Yeah, I don't know. You don't know. You got to answer the question. All right, so hang on, let's assume that you've upset your girlfriend because you slagged off her hair cap. What you do now to go and make her happy. How are you going to cheer up? Uh-huh. And not buy her a baseball cap. I don't know yet.

I haven't thought about it because I've got this to sort out out. So when I get home, get some jail or something? Oh God! Oh Christ. Okay, and uh... All right, just name something that always puts a smile on your face, kind. It always cheers you up. A monkey, isn't it? Learning something. Right, that's a bit weird. I love the qualifier.

No, I think it was two different sentences. I think it was learning something. That's a bit weird. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Learning something that's a bit weird. Okay. And finally, if you could have something to make you happy, what would it be? Little chimp, wouldn't it? Well don't answer for him, don't put words in me. Uh, you could have anything you want, it will cheer you out and make you happy. What would it be? You can't say a skin of titanium. It's got to be something possible. Yeah.

X-ray vision. No. What would you have? It can be conceptual. It could be world peace. It doesn't have to be a new watch. It doesn't have to be a new waste. Yeah. Why should you do it? And then I let someone else get a nice new watch and there's world peace. And there's a nice new watch. And there's notreatment. And there's a nice new watch. And there's no threat of a new watch. And there's no threatening. Exactly. I'm quite happy the way I am really. I don't really. But th. But th. But th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that that that that that that that that tho. tho. that that that that tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho that that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that. that that the. the that that the the the the that that that that that to get to ten. Surely the point of life is to be on ten. Yeah but what's what's a ten? No? What's what's a ten? Contentment, absolute contentment, joy in your heart inwardly and outwardly, not walking around with a little round man-cared with your mouth open going what's the point of that? I've done it once. Is that why you've still got all the condoms? You've done it once. What's the point

of that? All right, we're going to get over the go, come on. Come on. Just one thing that would make you happy. That would cheer you up if you're feeling low. Tuesdays off as well. I love the MD just you know resign straight away shall I? I honestly don't know what would make me happy just like that. Because I am happy I know you say I'm fed up and that. Do you know what I'm saying? He wouldn't want to be too rich. He said if I was too rich then Suzanne will say let's go around the world. He said he wants to be rich enough so they're happy in that they got they're happy and I I I I I they're not happy and I they're not happy. they're they're they're they're they're they're to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. to thi. to to to to to thi. thi. thi. to to thi. thi's thi. thi. they're they're th. they're thi. thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I th. I th. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. thi. thi thi thi the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi wants to be rich enough so they're happy in that and they got their bathroom and they can't, they still can't afford any more holidays a year. Think of that, think of that wish. Think of that capping your wishes. Do you know what I mean putting a ceiling on your ambition?

I love it. It's genius. Look at his face. Play a record. You're an idiot. Charlie's chocolate factory and he'd said actually Carl I want you to take over the factory it was a test you'd have said I just wanted to look around a chocolate factory yeah I'm happy to go back and live no he'd just said I'll I'm working it but I'm not working Monday's play a record well I could give me a chocolate factory good kid I know I know

give you the fat one at least'll do it more. Beautiful. I buy for loving you to I that I do. Beautiful. Billy Bragg from his essential Billy Bragg compilation. Now I know a lot of people are thinking Billy Bragg, or I can be what other politics, and I have to say, by this CD, skip past every song that is, for instance, there is power in a union. Don't be duped by fascism. Yeah, it's your right and duty to vote.

Right wing, wrong wing. Exactly. Just listen to the love songs. His love songs are beautiful. It's fantastic, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's tha, it's tha, it's to to to tha, it's tha, it's to tha, it's tha' tha' thoomat' to to to to to to thoom. to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. I I, I, I, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho' tho-a' tho-a'er. the the thoo'eru.a'ero'ero'ero'ero'ero'ero'er. tho'er. tho' tho' that but just listen to the love songs are beautiful it's fantastic doing tonight I celebrate my love for you with a pint of beer in a new tattoo it's great yeah look lose the ones about yeah striking yeah exactly exactly because we know what we think of that so yeah I hearty recommend that and Carl Carl we're on happiness Carl oh try and to you know it's really to get on a 10 yeah yeah for happiness yeah I like the fact I I I I I I I I I I I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I the fact I that he that he the fact I that he that he that that that that that that that that the that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the tho. the the the the the the the the the the. I'll try and explain to Carl that the aim to, you know, it's really to get on a 10. Yeah. Why not the fact that he started on a 9? But I love the fact he's happy with 4.

Yeah. I love that. No, but what I mean is, right? What I'm looking for, right, I'm happy when I'm not fed up. So what I mean is, I'm happy... Is this your new book? Psychology of the Mind? What is that? I'm happy when I'm not fed up. That's like an eight-year-old, I'm trying to explain happiness. Johnny, what is it when I'm happy when I'm not fed up, Miss? Well done. Good boy, that's that when things thipapapapapapapapapapapapapn't thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is that's in that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. thi, is thi, is the the the the thi, is the thi, is the thi, i. thi. thi. thi. that's thi. that's that's that's the that's that's the thi. that's thi. that's that's I'm saying to you though. I don't... I'm happy most of the time. It's just that when

things niggle me I find that I realize when I'm annoyed more than when I'm happy. But Carl you every time we talk to you you are winging about something. You've got something that annoys you. But he's in here. I figure he's really busy and I'm going, I come in and he's doing nothing, he's chatting because he's having big, long chats with everyone about how someone's wound him up. And they all come and they're going to go, oh Carl's fed up, because he's got this show, you don't mean it, because he's got this. He's wormed his way. Go ahead. Go ahead. to th. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. th. th. th. Go ahead. th. Go ahead. Go. th. Go. th. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And, the. And. And, the. And. And. And, the. And. And. And, the. And. the. the. the. the. You've got no friends, you've said that yourself. Yeah. You've openly declared you don't want friends. They're too much hassle. Yeah. Yeah. That is my job. Friends is that is the point of life to me. I can't wait to see them. I squeeze their head. I welcome I'm in. They're annoying. Friends are annoying. It's even scared of like doing some a friend. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I their their their. I. I they're annoyingly. They're annoyingly. I love it. Friends are annoying. It's even scared of like doing some other friend or getting a gift because he goes I have

to buy him one back now. It's sort of like life's a bit of a chore for Carl. that, isn't it? Well anyway, all right, let's leave that aside. Obviously you're never going the brink of happiness. All you had to say was your hair looked nice. That's what I had to say, yeah, it was good, yeah. And that's it, end of story. What's the point in that? What is the point in that?

Because she doesn't really care what you think, but she doesn't want to hear that she looks like Dave Hill from slain. to please, theirkiiiiiiiiii. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thu. thu. thu. that's, that's, thu. that's, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, end that's, to to to to to to to that's that's to to to that's, to that's, that's, to to that's, that's that's that's to that's to to to to to to that's to to to to to to that's, to to that's. What's. What's. What's. th. th. the the the th. the the thi. tho. the tho. the tho. the tho. the thooan. the thoan. the thoan. thoan. thoan. thoan. that's that's that's that's tho. that's that's's taken about by that. Yeah, yeah. Sorry happiness then, yeah. I was happy the other week, right, when I was going up to Manchester on the train, nice quiet carriage, I'm sat there reading about sharks and that right? Nice and quiet. And I got annoyed, I text you dinner, yeah, when two fellas got on. Can we talk about it? Well yeah, I mean you've started it, two gay men got on, go on. Two gay fellas got on. It wasn't the fact they were gay that bothered me. It was like, you know, each to their own, you know what I mean?

Let them do what they do. And, um, behind closed doors. But they started talking really the talking really to they and they were, right, right, right, right, right, right, they were, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, tho, tho, that, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, that, their, tho, their, tho, tho, tho, to tho, tho, thooo, thoooooo, their, their, their, their, their, the really loud, right? And they were going on about... That's annoying anyway, that's annoying whether you're straight or gay. Yeah, yeah, talking to you now, but you know theory I have about their the go out late? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right. When we're, I mean, what, what, what time do might go out about 8 o'clock or something. I guarantee I'll sort of be in bed by that half 12.

At that time they're still sort of ironing the jeans. Right? And the funny thing was, I've always said this, right? Dalton Lanzibbara. You sort of said that's rubbish. I'm sat on the he goes anyway I'll see you at one then right right so I thought well maybe that's tomorrow could be one in the afternoon that's when most people would meet yeah and then he carried on talking

and he goes yeah so anyway like I say see you tonight one o'clock they to the to to to to to the the to to to to the to the to to to the to to the to to to they to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to they.. they. they. I I I they. I they. I they. I they. I they. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the to to to to to to to to to to meeting someone. I don't know how I go out that late. Do you remember when his favorite record all time is the killing of Georgie? Sure. He said would he have been killed if he'd have been back at a decent time. There's no mention of the time in this song. And then the funny bit was actually that did make me laugh, right? When he finished talking on the phone, he said, he said, he, oh there you go I have a little chat and the fellow said who was that and he said oh it's Dave he said you know the one with a shaved head I thought in the gay community yeah that isn't a good description no

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that that isn't a good description? Do you that thin' th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. th. Do you th. Do you th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do that is that is th. Do that is that is that is that is that is that is is that is that is that is that is that is that is that isn't is that isn't is that isn't is that isn't is that isn't is that isn't is that isn't is that isn't is isn't is that isn't is isn't is isn't is that isn't is that isn't is not isn't is not isn't is not isn't is not isn't is not that isn't is not that isn't that isn't that is not that is not that is not that that that that that that that that that that that that that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not that that that is not Yeah, I know. It's all right. They've all got little shaved heads. Before we move on, was the shark's article interesting? Did you learn anything? It's pretty good. Was it? Go ahead.

Yeah, I'll teach you. Oh, okay. Is it? It's all. the the the the the tune. Play some adsto that. Thanks a little. day off, cunning the management baby and sending this station spiraling down into the depths for his greed and selfishness. Okay we're talking earlier about things that have happened when we were away. Quite a lot but there's one thing I

heard, it might be a rumor, I hope it's a rumor. I kept it from me Steve because I I didn't want you to sort of have spirits help because we've been let it in the office and we've got to be okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay. the to be to the to the to the to the to the the to to the to to to the to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I'm the. I the. I'm the. I the. I the. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm and we've got to be, okay, I'm just going to say it. I think Shed 7 have split up. Sorry, I didn't. Shed 7 have split up. Ah. Sorry, I think I've got something in my own. It's just a bit dusty, though, I think.

So, okay, if it's true, it's true, if not, we've got their, at least we've got their music. Their music, the music, the music lives on. So we're going to dedicate this show to Shed Seven. And all the bands they'd heard Shed 7. Just play them from now on and obviously the hits all the hits, the Shed 7 hits. When I saw this I saw it on a website and said, is it true? Shed 7 split up and the next way you know when there's got a dorky message board someone came and said, you are joking. And then they're laughing. Oh dear, what else is it? I just to call in it i in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in it. the in it is the in the in the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thing thing thing thing thing thing the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. I the hits. I the hits. I the hits. I the hits. I the hits. I the hits. I the hits. I the hits. I the hits. I. the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. the hits. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. theats. theats. theats. the hits. theats. the hits. the the the hits. I the hits. I a rumor if it's a rumor. Just call in if it's true.

Well, no, call in yourself. Well, Shed, it's Shed's listening. And he's not busy, he's got Mondays off now. Call in and say, what was the split all about? Tell you what I read about. Sharks, monkeys or jellyfish? It's ten past, isn't it? We haven't done a little bit of knob news.

No, we haven't loved nobnews, no. It's been three months. It's been three months coming. There's this thing, I don't know the full story, I don't know how it happened, right, but little Russian, little Russian fella. Yeah, he was sort of emptying his th right, and somehow electrocuted himself. Right? And sort of did a bit of damage. How did he, he sat down to live wires or something?

Did it damage to himself or to an electric fire or something? No, to himself? To himself. And so the dog took to him. Didn't slip and curling tongs when it was his ass when he was supposed to be, because that's happened a lot.. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and to to, and, and to, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and to, and, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to-a, to-a, to-a, to-a, to-a, somehow, somehow, somehow, somehow, somehow, to-he-s. So, somehow, so-s. So, somehow, somehow, so-s. So, somehow, somehow, somehow, so, somehow, somehow, to-s. So, somehow, somehow, to-s. Yeah, to-s. Yeah, to-a. Yeah. And so the doctor... Didn't slip and took curling tongs when he was personally because that's happened a lot. Yeah, we've all been there. We've all we've all shoved the old curling tongues on the ass when I'm having to piss. All right. So so um... I can't even be bothered. No, come we're interested. You can't be bothered. You can't be bothered. to get Mondays off do some work. All right so anyway so the doctor says oh it's not looking good we'll have to tell that off. What? Novectomy? Yeah really? But the

funny thing is right? Nothing funny about that? They've done their... You're doing me adding. Just tell the story! It's doing my Edding. Well you can't chill out on Monday's the things. I'm going to talk to you the the the they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm they. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm their. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm the thin. I'm the their. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'll. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, going to get the money's worth out of this because you get Mondays off. And I can't bear the fact that someone's getting away with something like that because it's terrible. So you're going to stick this out or you're going to have to work Mondays. So take it on, right? Just to the a little knob out? A prosthetic hook. Yeah. But they put him out for the operation. He woke up, right? And he's thinking, oh thank God, that's over and done with. Yeah. They've only grown it on his arm. What are you talking about? You're twat. Shut

the, don't you, the idiot. What do you mean they've grown it on? What do Apparently like that's that's the way they do it. Oh yeah but to then put it on that that wasn't a mistake it wasn't doctor and does it go there so I'm looking I didn't do a degree. Are you a real doctor? Yeah yeah yeah why put it there? Because it's got a graph because it's got a graph it's got a graph there it's where they can't control it the arm itself. What do you mean on the back? Somewhere well, we can't wear a t-shirt Yeah, but you could you can have a little tug, can he's in hospital This way you can still have a little tug, can't he? But they'll leave it there for quite a bit? It's not the tug, do you know what's it? Do you mean's up with that? What's it with that?

Whoa, I mean, you could say it's a thumb or someone, couldn't they? Yeah. But they don't, they remove it. Be good for hitching, down below later. If you had a knob instead of a thumb when you went hitching, just tickle it, and I can see my knob, I'd go, oh, I'm not going to have all that stuff. Just whack a pair of tips on me. Do you know what I mean? I think, oh, that'll just forget it.

But why not just put it where it should be straight away instead of messing about. Where should it be straight away? You know, on the forehead. You know, tune-me. Come on, Carl, you can't be bothered. Right, okay, we're going to scrap this and you're going to work Mondays again. Shut up. Sincere than. Since you've been gone by Rainbow on XFM to 4.9, well, it's what the, uh, London has been waiting for.

It's rockbusters, isn't it, Carl? Well, it's what the Londoners have been waiting for. It's rockbusters, isn't it, Carl? Well, it's not rockbusters. It's something we've done. It's a bit like rockbusters, but it's been tweaked. So remember that, it's done with sound effects and that. Oh, God. Really?

What do you mean? Right, remember this one. We tried it before. Oh, wait a minute. And this is one you've done in the past. This is not the competition. This is not the competition, but I said like, what song is this? Yeah. Smack my bitch up, yeah. I read it. Yeah. Right.

So it's kind of that. that, but rather than just doing songs it's that film or song sounds good. You know when you do these things you can't do them in the week you've got to do them either Saturdays or Mondays. I do yeah. I'm going to check on that because that doesn't really annoy me. It's been done. So, it doesn't really, you don't have to worry about it when it gets done that do, because it's done. Well yeah, but I don't you're taking you're taking you're taking you're taking you're taking you're taking you're taking you you're taking th th th th th th th th thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you're thi, you's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi, thi, the the theateateateateat. thea, thea' thea' thea' thea' thea' thea' thea' thea' the out, XFM's going down the tube and you're taking the piss left right and centre. Alright, so here's this week's little grab, that film or song sounds good so what is it? Come here. I'm well happy now I've had that. I'm well happy now I've had that.

What, what's a film or a song title, is it? No, it's a film? It's a film. Forget that. It's a film. What are you talking about? That must take you three minutes. I hope you not on a Tuesday though because that's cut into precious time. Have you seen how long a trial takes him, but minutes? Sorry, let's just concentrate for a second. Okay, right. It's the film. This is a film title, the title of a film? Yeah. Play it again. Come here. I'm well happy now I've had that. All right? Oh, dearie me. Three months they've waited for that. Three months for that.

Shite. Do you want to say what the prices are? Oh, I can do. I'll tell you, there's good news and there's bad. I don't know, I think maybe this is what people think of Carl's quiz. This is the respect they show us. Because you know that the various companies, they'll send you product which you can include in competitions, it's a promotional tool. They've sent us, I'm Alan Partridge, Series 2 and Faulty Towers, the complete series.

Brilliant on VHS. I mean who's got a video player anymore, Carl? It's for losers and the working classes. For up north. I still sell them up north I th, I th, I th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, up north. I still sell them up north I think. Thankfully. In market stores. It's been redeemed. I mean I wonder how are we got older that? Yeah. Yeah, the office series still on DVD. That was a nightmare, getting older that one. The best album in the world ever. It's got stuff on there. Super furry animals is on there,

super grass, gold frap. And also the best of the boomtown Rats which is not bad and a couple of teachers DVDs so some good stuff there amongst the VHS's and you can win all of those treats by identifying this film. Oh God come here. I'm well happy now I've had that. Email only we don't want to actually speak to you. Ricky Dr Javais at XFM.co. UK, I'm sorry if that's brought you down. It's me, I'll just say something. What's the phone number, Carl?

Uh, oh, eight, seven hundred, one, two, three, four. Call up, for no reason, because I want Carl to answer the phone, to call, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. C. C. C. th, th, th. C. C. th. to, to, to, to, th. th. th. th. th. th. What, th. R, th. R, th. R, th. R, th. R, th. R, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, I, I, I, I, th. And, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. And, th. And, tha, tha. And, tha. And, too. And, I'm, too. C. And, I'm, too. And, tha. And, tha. R. And, I'm, I'm, I'm, three four. Call up for no reason because I want Carl to answer the phone. He hates doing it. So call up and talk to Carl. Ask him anything you want. Just talk to him. Okay? Right. Answer the phone.

They're going mad. I'm sorry, Bigger, please don't go. Big Saar on XFM 104.4.9, he's so annoyed that you have to answer all those calls. Why did you like it? I just, we're wasting time, aren't we? That's your listener shit. No, no, no, no. That's nice and everything that people call up. But we should be concentrating on what we're doing. Yeah, well, I do this show to annoy the the the everything that people call up but we should be concentrating on what we're doing. Yeah, well I do this show to annoy you.

I don't do it for the money or the QDOS or the awards. You know what I mean? I do it so you have to be here and do what I say for two hours because you're getting away with murder here in the week. I don't like doing that mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's interesting though that you, it's, you're passionate about fighting injustice, but you focus specifically on Carl at HFM. One of the world's lesser crimes. Yeah, being a little bald man twat. I know, yeah, but nonetheless it is a crime. Look, he's got his head down, like, you know, when those chimps that have like lost their their their their their their their their their their their, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, th. their, you're th. You're th. You're th. You're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're their, you're their, you're their, you're their, you're thi. thi. thi. thin, t. t. toge. toge. t. toge. t. t. toge. th. t th. th. th. You're th. You're when those chimps that have like lost their mate in London Zoo? He just sits there like, you know, a broken animal.

Carl, what are you thinking? Where are you on the happiness scale now? I've one to ten. Carl. On about a three. Go on, Steve, what are you going to do? Well, we were talking earlier about stuff that happens while we've been away. Um, we've said said said said said said said said said said, um, um, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, we're, we're, we're, we're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi, thed, thin, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they. they. they. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. th. Where are the, the, thin, the, thin, the, thin, the, thi. Where are thi, thi, thi, thi always have to say that. I haven't been this upset since, uh, Skunk and Ancy broke up. Yeah, I know. She had all tweedy. Tweed's day. We've done that. We've done the road. Well, of course the war.

Is that all done and dusting now? I think it's pretty much over. I think it's pretty. you know bombing stuff and all that but my point is this right those bombs have all been bought and paid for yeah the taxpayer they're yours they're not a scientist but I think bums go off I think so and if you don't use them you lose them so let's use them exactly I mean it's like tinned food it lasts for a while but eventually yeah it's like anything old we'll don't know the fresh. Don't build the fresh ones. Let's use the old ones. Exactly.

Because they're just stockpiling there and they cost us millions. I know we want to see if they work as well. What do you, what? We never tried that one. Use them. Use the frighteners on it. Frighten them, yeah. You're just going to bomb you and then obviously they'll go running, I ended and under tin

shout isn't that. Rick his house? No, come on. Honestly, no, honestly. one makes you fed up? Not enough that I want a bomb a place. You're not actually in the bottom you just put in the fight in response. I just say like someone else do it. It's difficult, isn't it? What about you Rick? I've got a list here. You know what I've got? Go on? The Swiss. Oh, they've had it easy. They've always had it easy. They've always had it easy. They've always had it easy. They're all the a fight, you can both walk through it, you know what I mean? We're a carpet. Exactly. While we're busy sorting out fascism, you know, or Osama bin Laden, they're just chilling out. They're old in ours and Hitler's coat. Exactly. Do you know what I mean?

Little weed, we should have both turned on them. Yeah, and I'll tell you else, this will just frighten them up, just shake up a bit. I'm the ice-I their their their their. I' th. I' th. I' th. I' th. I'll th. th. th. You' thi. You're thi. You're thi. You're just, you, you, you, you're just, you're just, you're just, you're just, you're just, you're just, you, you, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or or, or or, or or or, or, or or, or or, or, or or, or or, or or, or, or or, or or, or or, or or, or or or, or or or, or or, or or, or or or, or, or or or, or or, or, or or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're allell. But you don't have to bomb them, do you? Eskimos, they've never been involved in you. I know, but don't bomb them, just pour hot water on their clothes. Just send a plane over with warm water. Yeah. With a big flas. Yeah. ice and fish for the rest of my life. Well you're having a laugh. Fair enough like years and years ago but now presumably they're aware of the proper house and the fact you can live in say Somerset or the south of France. I know but it's like haven't they haven't they've not even on a goodest thing as the North American Indians now they're not sort of pissed up, smoking fags, they live in lovely little cages, they're all brought to their little village, they're having a little while of the time, they don't have to go hunting anymore and like that, killing buffalo.

And let's say with the Eskimos, let's get them some beer and fags down there, not not the eagleows, build them, they're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they're all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all. their. th. they're all all all all all tho, they're all all. They're all. They're all all tho, they're all all. They're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all..... They's, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all... They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all. They're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all all, they're a caravanet? Something like that, it's not be better. It's not be preferable. I know. Some of them have I've got TV's built in, Rick. I know. One they've got cable and stuff, are they? Or is there one sort of Icelandic channel? Magnus, Magnuson.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, brilliant. That's like a hardcore documentary. Yeah, this is racist FM. 104.9. So who would you like to see bombed? Not bombed. Just put the fight in this on email. Ricky. Any nation or anything. Carl, thoughts. Carl, thoughts. Not bombed. You're not working for your money. You're not having Monday. we got to do some at Monday. Let. Let. Let. Let. Let. Let. Let. Let. Let. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah.. Yeah.............. Yeah.. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah. Yeah for your money. You're not having Monday off. We've got to do some at Monday. Let's plan some on Monday. Just to get him in here. You've got two hours for eight hours off.

You don't do an eight hour day anyway. But how much is he getting paid? He's getting money for this. I think his ways went up last time. work, right? So it's moonlighting and they're giving him a day off and it's contributing nothing. Huh? What can I want to say something, mate? What? It's going on. What? Going on with yourself? Well, say something back and earn your money? Let's play a song. We've done a bit of stuff there. You idiot. Don't say we, you know, I've not read anything from you. We've heard your contribution. You're not

the today. You'll get to let no birds you can't see. Then I'm a P. I. I. M. I. I. M. I. I. M. I. M. I. M. you Stephen Merchant and you, Carl Pilkington. All right? What we doing then? How are we going? Car, are you feeding? On a scale of 10 now, happiness scale?

Just building back up again a bit. Yeah. What? What changed it? What changed? What changed? What changed? Just calm down a bit? Yeah. The chill out vibes of P. I probably helped you. Yeah, I think we should just say, give massive props to Adam and Joe who stood in for us. Did great job. Yeah, great, really good. In fact, interesting, are they going to get their own show here? I think they should. Yeah, they'll probably get something.

Well, there's their interesting, as I listened to them, they had quite a nice selection of features, they had a couple of good competitions and things. Now I don't know if having done them for XFM, is it somehow they maybe kind of under some kind of XFM copyright which would mean as we've got no ideas, maybe we could just hide some of theirs? Maybe you could look into that. Obviously not Monday you're not here but I was with Joe Cornish last night, went to a little do Jonathan's house and Joe was there and he walked in and I was taken a to to is because I forgot and he's about six four but he's an unlikely to you know I mean like that it's all like some people surprise you and then he was going you know it's I don't consider six four big I said well it's pretty big I said but I know what you mean I walk around with Steve yeah and he went out of a. tall Steve and I six six six six six at seven seven six six six six six six six six six six six th seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven seven that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th th th that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he was six six six foot seven and Joe went who that's that's nearly disability isn't it?

Do you know he's absolutely right as far as I'm concerned? No, you know I genuinely since school I used to go to school with a little disabled fellow lovely guy. No I swear to God lovely guy and I remember he came in what when we got in the six form and he basically got I don't know what the internet were but as far as the he.... I. I the the he. I. I. I. I. I the the he. I. I. I the he. I was. I was. I was. I he. I was. I he. I he. I he. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't he he's. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I'm th. I'm to to to t. I'm tot tot tot tot totally tell he'd got a car for free, especially converted car, you know, because he's disabled and you've tried that same as Carl, me, me, me, I need this, I need that. But it seemed to me that I was thinking, well, why can't get something similar? Because there are some cars I the cheaper cars. I've got obliged to buy a more expensive larger car because I can't fit in the toilet. Yeah, that's like saying you've got to pay more for your shoes because there's more

leather, which is true. Which is absolutely true. It's a nightmare getting shoes. But you know what? But you know, it's a nightmare getting chairs, comfy chairs that I can sit in the home. I sit in a chair for th. train train train train tall people, I've read an article that taller people on average get higher wages through something, through an advantage or just because they're taken more seriously than little dumpy fellas. Do you know what I mean? I genuinely don't think there are many benefits of being really tall. People seem to assume there are. But beyond the fact that I can reach things down from a high shelf. I know. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People seem, thi. People seem th. People seem th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People don't th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People th. People their. People th. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. their. People. th. People. th. th. People seem. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. te. I te. I th. I th. th. th. I th. th. I th. I th. I their. the fact that I can reach things down from a high shelf, I know. I don't think there's any real perks. I've seen you hit your head a few times. That's a disability? I know I have seen you hit your head a few times and I think, oh God, that must have to put it, obviously I'll make sure okay and then laugh. Of course. But I know it must be annoying. Thanks me. No, I mean there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's the. There's. There's their. There's their. The. The. I've. I've. I've that. I've that. I've that. I've that. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've to. I've to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to hit. to to to to to to to hit. He has to leave that. It looks like a limbo dancer. Yeah, they've almost got a lower meaning on roots.

I always find it amusing. But it is, but like for instance on a plane, on an airplane, I can't get some of the seats. Not in any way that I've been. What are the seats? How is that? their seats? that people. the seat. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they's. they's. they're they're they're th. they're they're th. they're th. they're almost. they're almost. they're almost. that. they're almost. they're almost. they're almost. they're almost. they're they're almost. they're. they're. they're almost. they're almost. they're. I. they're almost. they're almost. they're almost. they's. they's. they're. they's. they's. they're. they're. I. I. they're. they're. I. I. I. I. I. they're. they're. I. I. they're. they're almost. the. the. th. th. the th. th. th. thee. th. the th. the th. theea. they're almost. the the they're almost. the they're almost. they're almost. It's not a disability. That's what's the elephant? Don't go on a plane then because you're poor. If you can't afford to go on a plane, you can't afford to go on a plane. You should have studied hard at school. But what annoys, yeah, but what annoys me about that is, there's a physical disability I was born with. There's a weight allowance. So I might not be a weight toolome. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their weight, I might not, but I might th. their their to be a lot, but you their their to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go, if you to go, if you you to go, if you to go, if you you to go, if you to go to go to go. But you to go. But you their their their their their their th. But, but you, if th. But, if th. But, if you, if you're th. th. that. that. that. to to to to to to th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thr chocolate allowance as me. But that's because they've been eating like a bloater. I couldn't stop myself from growing this tool. It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't think, I'll tell you, I won't smoke when I'm a teenager, maybe I'll chew up.

I'll eat healthy, I'll probably add an extra two feet. They just kept going to. You do you do eat too mow too too too too too too too too too too too too too. too much. too. too. to eat. to eat. to eat. to eat. to eat. to eat. I. to eat. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I to smoke. I to smoke. I to smoke. I to smoke. I tooes. I tho. I tho. I tooes. I thoes. I won't tho. I won't tho. I won't tho. I won't tho. I won't tho. I won't. I won. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I. I. I th. I th. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I won't smoke. I won't smoke. I won't smoke. I won't smoke. I won't smoke. I won't smoke. I won't smoke. I won't smoke. I won't smoke. I won't. I won't. I won't smoke. I won't. I won age you wouldn't have been that tall. Don't think when I was a gangly teenager having the pits taking out of me I wasn't thinking I wish I'd been born near a pylon you know or Chernobyl could you know could you could have cunded you like they did with little didn't they did that with someone's feet well yeah I didn't come out of it they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they'd they didn't they they'd they'd they'd they'd they they they they they they they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they'd they'd they'd they'd to they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd this tall, did I? No, I could have been the boy. And how they bandied him round the feet and around the top of the head? Yeah, I'll be walking like a mummy. Yeah, yeah, or a bonzi boy.

But people didn't really realize I was going to be this tall until when you're about like a gangly, okay so that typical gangly teenager, 15? How tall are you at 15? I know, 6'5 maybe? And I bet you were like a bean pole, weren't you? Of course. Yeah, and what sort of glasses did you have? Cool. And now what did you have? I don't know, a monocle?

No, I thought I was trying to preempt the styles that might be coming round. I mean, I think I've been watching a lot of George Fornby films and I thought it can only be a matter of time before the bow tie comes in. I thought it could only be a matter of time before the bowie and I thought it might be Robin Day around this time, yeah. Yeah, I wanted to go for that d' that's that's that's that's that's the d' the d' that's their that's their that's that's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th and I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. It thi. I tho tho tho tho tho' thoom and I tho th. And I tho tho th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. And I th. It th. It thi. It thi. It can can only thi. It can only thi can only thi can only thooooooooooooooooooa' thoa' thoa' thoa' thoa' thoa' thoooooooo' thoo you with a pipe and trilby. I just think you'd look great walking on the street. I'm like we're a boater. Yeah. Oh dear.

But genuinely, it does frustrate me that I don't get any allowances from being parental. Well it does count. No, it doesn't. It's not a disability being six foot seven. But how can you explain, for instance, you know, traveling on a, you, you, you, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, I, it, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, seen people stare at you, but they stare at me because I've been on the tele, what's that a disability? Are that people being recognised? But you could avoid that by not being on the tele? It's your choice.

This is my point, it's your choice. Yeah. It's a different sort of stare, isn't it? . It's a different sort of stare that you get in the sort of state. Well obviously I'm gonna, sorry Steve, but I'm gonna you know follow up this inquiry. What do you mean Carl? No, I'm just saying it's more of a stare of fear than like with you the goal, it's him.

Yeah, go on. Whereas with you, it's more like, geez. Do you know what frustrates me? What? I thought he did deserve having a Monday off. I've changed my tune. Yeah. I was try, sometimes, I'm in, you don't realize this, listeners, but sometimes I'm an intermediary. I do step in when he's winding him up, because Carl gets to the point where he's going to explode. Yeah, and it's crazy.

And I step in, and this is the kind of. I'll tell you what, because he's too scared of winding you up because he knows that you'll just walk out of her and he won't get his Monday off. Absolutely. Play a record, you little, oike. Weasel. You're a weasel. Oh, Jackson. It's different for girls. An XFM.

Grunt. Grants. Aickey, Steve. Oh Jackson, different for girls and XFM, 1-4.9, Mickage Vase, Steve Merchant, Carl Pilbinton, he's annoying me now, because he's got a day off and he's got two hours and he's miserable, he's not even doing anything to the show, it really annoys me. Well, hang on, wait a minute. You've forgotten his brilliant film quiz. Yeah.

He's contributed that. That he probably did, are you going to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that he probably did during the week. What I mean? What are you going to change your attitude, Carl, or what? Or should we just like not bother with this show? Told you. What? Don't, don't annoy me and you'll get the best out of me. Yeah? I told you, I told you, the doctor? You can't concentrate can he? Don't mind it up. That means the doctor. All of a sudden. Yeah, he's got to press a button and find out what a monkey did in 1932. And it's, oh, where's the monkey news? It's been a bit quiet and I've been

what in the last three months? There was something that I found last week about one that was in an old people's home. It escaped from some zoo, it was wondering about, it's enjoying itself, and then when it got to the night time, it was like, oh, what am I going to do? And the first place it came across was like this old people's home. Went in there. I think it was it was it was there there there there there for it was there for it was there for it was there for it was there for it was there for it was th it was th it was th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thoom thoom that that I that I that that that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I th. th. th. th. th th th thi thi thi thi thi thou thou thou tha thou tha tha tha tha thou tha' tha' thou-a' tha' tha' thou-a' tha' that this old people's home. Went in there, I think it was there for about a week and a half without anyone realising. No. No, no, no. No, it did. So the helpers and the nurses and the social workers and the matrons and all that, they thought, well, uh, Mr Sanders looks a bit hairy. But I mean that happens, you know, it comes out here and your nose when you get to about 70 and he's stooped over, yeah, of course he has he got bow legs, yeah. And he eats more fruit, of course he does.

Well that's when they realized. Why? Because someone in the kitchen said, hang on a minute, getting through more bananas than we know. Do the competition, do the one thing you've done this week, probably in their time again, you're getting paid for it, you're having Monday's off and you're not into it, so waste of time. That film sounds good, it's like this. Yeah, come here.

Come here. Come here. Well, I'm happy now I've had that. All right. So that's a bit of a cryptic clue. Yeah. So that. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that. that's a good. that's a that. that. that. that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. that. So that's a bit of a cryptic clue. Yeah. Someone eating this woman and he's happy. That he had that. That was Gladiator. So who wins a stuff? A couple of people sent in Hannibal which would still work. Yeah. And someone else sent in Man Eater, which I suppose works. Although he did put the thing in about I'm well happy, glad. Yeah, I know. It's not worth the, I don't know, under crud he gets for this and a day off, no. Well, Eva, who got the answer right, Eva, who got the answer right, well done to her,

I'm going to give her the prizes. She said that she'd heard this before on Christian O'Connellshire. Oh, this. this. th. th. th. th. ththis and you have to work on Mondays again because you are taking the piss out of me, you're taking the piss out of Graham and you're taking the piss out of London. I'll see you next week and you can change your attitude. Limpiscuit, we may be back next week it depends how Carl gets on, maybe bucks up his attitude.