The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 1: It Begins

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Diaper fetishes, Nazis, meth sex, Jesus’ broken heart and more on this, the first gathering of The Roundtable of Gentlemen.

Oh, this sounds good. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the gentleman in the round table. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the round table. Hey, what happened? What happened? It's going perfect. This is exactly what we planned.

It's all scripted this way. Fuck off. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. With us as always, Kevin Barnett, Holden McNeely, Ed Larson, Cupcake, and I'm Ben Kissel. First question of the night, who killed Gary Coleman? Colonel Mustard. Alright, what's the next one? It's solved. His wife recently had this interview where she was talking,

and she just blatantly, the reporter did not ask her. She just came out and said it. She was like, I didn't push him. I didn't push him. There's no way I could have pushed him. Who said this? His ex-wife. What's her name again, Cupcake?

Scorp. Her name is Emily, I believe. Emily. I thought it was Shannon Price. Ah, Shannon Price. Might be an Emily. I looked her up to see if she was fine today. I don't know.

She's not a bad girl. She married Gary Cole. She has big ass teeth, man. Huge. I thought she had small teeth and huge gums. Here's the exact quote. I've had a lot of speculations out there I've had a lot of people sit there and say

Yeah, she pushed him, pushed him, this and that Which is insane because as soon as Gary Coleman died Everyone's like, of course he died No one's like, oh, this has to be a homicide Yeah, yeah, absolutely Oh, this little person who's supposed to be dead at 18 He made it to 42, I can't believe he died Foul play, for sure

Wasn't he a drug addict? Wait, didn't he have like a brain aneurysm or something? Yeah, it's hemorrhage. Brain hemorrhage. Brain hemorrhage. How do you push that? I don't really know how you push that. From a fall.

Yeah, from a fall. You hit your head. You crack your head open, your brain gets all fucked up. Brain hemorrhage. I'm an arny idiot. He fell off a puddle of water, shattered his brain. Fell off a puddle of water. She was a...

You can do that. You can do that when you're that tiny. He was riding one of those miniature horses. They all have them. It was amazing. He called it his Barbie time. Tried to jump a bonsai tree. Do not bother.

The strange life that Gary called me. It was bizarre. Wild times. Here's the rest of the quote. You know, people are so cruel, and they don't even know. I was upstairs. It was bizarre. Wild times. Here's the rest of the quote. You know, people are so cruel and they don't even know. I was upstairs. He was downstairs. How am I gonna push him?

That's insane. I can't. This bitch is done. That's such an unbelievably guilty statement to make. It's not possible. I was upstairs. They don't know. They don't have an argument. No one even knew that she was upstairs. I didn't even know she was in the house

until now. I had no clue. I don't think nothing was released about that whatsoever. I thought he might just be working at a security guard or something. Well, that was years ago. That was years ago. Like Warner Brothers, too. Just to rub it in his face even harder.

Someone did him a favor. And this is what you don't have. Motherfucker, you whack, childish. Yeah, I think it's a devastating loss. A real devastating loss. Everyone, all the quotes were like, the world's a little bit of a sadder place. The world's going to miss him.

And really, no one's going to miss him. It's one of those sad deaths. I got to say. It's just like, yeah, it's like, place the world's gonna miss him and really no one's gonna miss him I gotta say once it's just like yeah it's like it's I remember him for fucking the weirdest reasons yeah and now he's gone so that's we live in a godless world the level where murder and fucking is King ultimately just like, he died of a broken heart. I don't think his father loved him. Here's another quote. She pulled the plug on him.

Yeah. And what she said about that, I don't want people to sit there and think I'm a bitch and that I didn't care about him. Be in my situation. Looked at what happened with Terry Shivo. Well, she invoked Shivo. He was in a coma for one day. One day. And she pulled the plug. That's like

murder. He could have got out of that. That's completely insane. I think it's the definition of murder. It's so funny because she's trying to defend him. She didn't push him, but she definitely killed him. I love it. I don't want people to think that I murdered him. I want people to just be like, oh, he she definitely killed him. Yeah, I love it. It's like, I don't want people to think that, like, I murdered him, you know, because I want people to just be like, oh, he did not

murder him. It's like OJ's book If I Did It, you know? But it's not even possible. Did that ever get released? I don't think so. I think there was some huge outrage about it. Yeah, everyone was very upset about it. It's kind of an upsetting idea. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's horrible.

I just love that he's like, I totally figured it out. I'll just put the word if before I did it. And he's like, they're never gonna know. It's perfect. It's fan fiction. Yeah. What was Gary Coleman doing as his last job? What was he up to right now? I mean, did he die a happy man?

No, he did not. No, he died a broken man. All of his dreams dashed and gone. The last time I saw him was on Entertainment Tonight, and he was just getting grilled by the fat black chick who plays... I guess she's actually not fat. She's also on the... She's on Reno 911. Oh, yeah.

And she's on... She's a big girl. She's a big girl. I don't call her fat, though, because, like, fat now is like, I just watched this YouTube clip. I was watching the Speeder and Gaynor YouTube clips, which you gotta check out out other hilarious they're

hilarious this one girl says oh do we watch them for the same reason yes you master to him Peter and Gainer fuck is this well a gainer is the person who actually gains the weight the feeder is the person who loves watching women just eat pounds and pounds of cake, hamburgers, I mean a whole series of things. And they just like feed him and feed him

and masturbate and feed him. It's like this sick thing that just happens. What was that whole fart on a cake thing? Oh, cakefarts.com? That's a Swedish thing.

Okay. Yeah, that's a big time Swedish thing. See, why stop at cake? I say fart on like a pork slider, you know? Fart on anything.

It makes it all better. There was this one gainer I saw, though. She said, you know what one of the perks about being real fat is? When I laugh, I clap without my hands. So she just starts doing this real weird, like, and then she just starts clapping her knees together, and it just, like, makes a clapping sound.

It was so funny, man. Boosh! Boosh! It was gorgeous. She looked like one of those dolphins who are currently stuck in the oil right now. Oh, God. Real pretty.

I've seen those dolphins when they were happy, man. I was down in, uh, down at St. George Island off the Gulf, and I saw a bunch of dolphins one time. Thought they were sharks. It was great.

Now I just think, oh, they're dead. They're all dead. They're all dead. That gush is fucking insane. It's like that barber that you used to have that got hit by a car.

How far has it gotten at this point? It's date 40. It's gotten to Florida. Which is making me fucking depressed. Because if it gets to like, you know,

Panama City, that spring break spot you know how many dudes aren't gonna fuck something at least there's guys who go there just for that one time near like alright this is the one time

for a week I can fuck anything that's not happening for those dudes that's sad so bummed out right now they're all just sitting around like what are we gonna do now

and then they start fucking smoking PCP and shit like that get into the weird drugs whoever goes there for spring break this year is gonna end up like Griswold what are we going to do now? And then they start fucking smoking PCP and shit like that. Get into the weird drugs. Whoever goes there for spring break this year is going to end up like Griswold from Vacation, from Lampoon Vacation. You know, Chevy Chase? Yeah, they're like, we didn't get the message.

Exactly. They're like, all right, we're here. They have like suntan lotion on their nose and shit ready to go. And then it's all closed down and John Candy is working there for some reason. Back from the dead. Yeah. Oh, man. What's this picture you got up?

I'm looking at Gary Coleman again. He looks tough. The picture I got up, apparently the latest chapter in this saga is that his funeral had to be canceled because of a family power struggle. Power struggle for what? The wife is squabbling with the parents because the parents, he hadn't talked to his parents in like 20 years. Are they arguing over a chair? What the fuck does this guy have?

He has nothing. No, they want the remains, man. Like, they, uh... Well, just can you... I guess you really can't split them up. You pretty much just get nothing then. It would kind of be the best, though, to be haunted by Gary Coleman's ghost.

I mean, of all the ghosts in the world, that's the only one I would let into my home and be like, you know what? Haunt me. It's great. I love to be haunted by Charlton Heston.

That man is haunted. So what are they going to do with the family struggle? I mean, I thought that they were getting a divorce, him and this chick. Well,

they actually were divorced like a year ago. Was it two years? Two years, yeah. How does she have any rights? First of all, how does she have the right to unplug his ass? Probably some sort of will, maybe. Does the emergency contact get to decide whether you get unplugged or not?

Oh, I think I filled that out with ironic undertones. I always make you my emergency contact. I made Madeline mine. I wanted to show some responsibility. Yeah, I just was like, oh, you're drunk a lot. my emergency contact. I made Madeline mine. I chose someone responsible. Yeah, I just was like, oh, you're drunk a lot. Well, that's fine. I'm always ready

to make decisions, though. Decision will be made. I gotta rethink this. I wonder if you know, like, do you think that he knew they were gonna pull the plug on him?

Like, because they're finding out, the more and more they find out about coma people is their brains are totally functional. And they just like, so they just on him. Because they're finding out, the more and more they find out about coma people is their brains are totally functional. And they just live in hell. And they're suffering the entire time. So he probably overheard the conversation with that bitch and the doctors.

And he knew he was going to die. Like, that's a weird feeling. He's like, I know I got one more day. I can fight out of this. I can do it. I'm Gary fucking Coleman. And then she just pulled it. That's insane.

That's the most morbid, horrible thing I've ever... I couldn't imagine a worse fate. Yeah. I feel like... Someone's got to kill this bitch. Well, I think... Is there an investigation? Let's call a send-off right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone do it. All right, $20,000. $20,000. Anyone who kills her gives us $20,000. That's $20,000, and we will hide you away. That sounds amazing. At an exact address.

Yeah, you feel like it just doesn't seem legally possible for someone to just make that decision who's not related to the dude. Like gay men, they can't do that. You can't do that if you're a gay fella. Even if it's like your actual husband. Yeah.

Can't do it. No. Taboo subject. Speaking of the gays, Ted Haggard opening up a new church. Ted Haggard's gay? Oh, Ted Haggard, he was the guy that ran that huge mega church in Colorado and was very anti-gay. But extremely gay.

Cut in the bathroom? No, no, no. That was Larry Craig. Oh, okay. Ted Hager got caught with a male prostitute in a hotel room doing crystal meth.

Doing it. Yes! Yeah. Yeah. This was not the first time. Beautiful story. God, I love how intense that is. So over the top.

They weren't even smoking weed. They were like, they jumped to the meth. It had to be like that much worse. It's just like. Rudy Giuliani was there too. And a giraffe. Where's the giraffe

coming from? Anywhere I can. You want to come up with the most over the top thing to do that the cops could bust in on?

Let's do this. Get the giraffe. I love it. Is the bathtub full of ice, like I asked? Get the dirtiest drug we could think of. Crystal meth, of course. Yeah. I wasn't even good at crystal meth.

It was probably just like, really? Dead man's teeth. Exactly. Oh, but the quote from Ted said, Whether you're a Democrat or Republican, gay, straight, bi. And this is funny that he put this in there. Tall, short. He will fuck you.

Tall, short, addict or recovering addict. It's just himself. I believe Jesus' arms are open to all. I believe Jesus' arms are open to all. This is just going to be a big crazy party with every drug addict and every different kind of ethnicity and everything. They're just going to get together and do math. All types of fucking going on. It's like a humanitarian church.

Everyone's welcome. It's beautiful. It's Bang Church. That'd be a great porno. Bang Church? Bang Church? Bangchurch.com. I'm buying it tomorrow. Have you ever seen those cross dildos?

Oh, no. You've got to use a cross dildo if it's bank church. Cross dildos, man. Yeah, it's just a huge dildo. You can use both hands. Exactly. It's like that shake weight. Just tone up a little bit.

It's like riding one of those railroad cars. No, I had a friend. Where are we in Georgia? We always end up in Georgia. This chick, I was back when I was visiting home for Christmas, this chick had a Jesus dildo. It was like a novelty thing. I don't think she used it.

It was huge. Was it on the cross or just like? Just Jesus like standing there. Was his hand in the dick? Just standing there chilling. And it had like an eight ball like, you know, fortune telling thing at the end of it. So we asked it a bunch of questions. It was very bizarre.

Very bizarre. Did it talk? No, it just had that little thing, you know, like on an eight ball where you like turn it over. Was it at the top of his head? It was actually at its feet. At its feet. So the head of the dildo is the head of Jesus? Yeah.

Wow. And it's just like, it's not shaped like a dick or it's just Jesus. Yeah, it's just Jesus, but it's like pink. It it's not shaped like a dick or it's just Jesus. Yeah, it's just Jesus, but it's like pink. It has to be shaped like a dick, though. It was Jesus in pink and rubber and it was like a dildo. Wow, that sounds unbelievable.

I wonder if Hagerd uses that. It's horrifying. You gotta figure, once you get past the shoulders, there's no getting that thing out. No way. They built that, they made that thing

to teach you a lesson. It's actually made by a pastor. They want you to have to tell some kind of authority that you bought that and used it on yourself. At some point. I guess it makes sense that all these Christians are totally gay, though. Jesus is a very masculine fellow. He's got the long, beautiful locks. And if you look at pictures of him, we've certainly made him prettier than he was.

Oh, yeah. You know, he probably looks more like Saeed from Lost. We've also made him a lot whiter than he was. Oh, he was black as night, of course. I mean, why did white people even come up with that? Well, no, Israel. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's Middle East.

Middle Eastern. He was brown. He was brown. Yeah, I mean, he wasn't, he wasn't, Jesus was. Jesus wasn't from Africa. He was from Israel. Well, we're all from Africa. Oh, well, you know, I guess if you want to go that route. Yeah, that from Israel. We're all from Africa. That's scientific.

We're all from dinosaurs. Right, man. We all used to be Tyrannosaurus Rexes and stuff. Then we got noses and penises. Ears. Tyrannosaurus Rex. They had to have had penises. A huge penis.

It's an animal. It's got to have a penis. I bet that was the curse of them. They had the tiniest penises. Tiny arms, huge penis. It's an animal. It's got to have a penis. No, I bet that was the curse of them. They had the tiniest penises. Tiny arms, tiny penis. Tiny arms, tiny penises. Yeah. So, all right.

So, they lay eggs. When they lay the eggs, are they already fertilized? Or do they like... They're already fertilized. Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so somebody fucks them and then they lay the egg. Exactly.

All right, all right. Good. That's easier. And then you can just leave it. Yeah. That's the way we should do it here. I mean, they're not fish. Well, no. They were fish, apparently. I have no idea, though. That's easier, and then you can just leave it. Yeah. That's the way we should do it here. I mean, they're not fish. Well, no.

They were fish, apparently. I have no idea, though. We were all fish. Apparently, although I think there's a theory in the plan now with the recent facts that we have developed life. Human beings create other life now. Yeah, we have. I heard about it.

Synthetic DNA. Yeah. And it spliced on its own. I have no idea what happened exactly. Kevin, you got this? You know this? I saw it a while. I don't remember exactly.

I know they made something with DNA. I think it was just like a cell, but then it started dividing on its own. It's like that film Splice. Yeah. So they made life. So they created it. It's huge. It's huge.

It can actually self-replicate. Yeah. So that makes the case for intelligent design then, right? It sounds like they created cancer. They could have. It actually does make the case for intelligence design. So I'm surprised that Christians haven't jumped all over that bandwagon yet. Because it's too science-y.

What can they say? I guess, well, it also, like, the theories are like... It also says, like, we're as good as God, too, and I'm sure they don't like that. That's true. Oh, they't like that. That's true. Oh, they hate that shit. That's true. That's true. Although they all like to think that they're smart enough to channel his words, which is always so ironic.

But see, the thing is, God wrote a book, and that's really hard to do. Yeah. Actually, yeah, he didn't even write the book. It's a big-ass book, man. It's a fat book. Two books, depending on how he did it. Exactly. That's an accomplishment.

It is. Did you know Muhammad's miracle was that he was illiterate until 40, and then he supposedly wrote the Koran? And that's the biggest miracle in Islam. That's why it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. It's just words. It's just words.

And the biggest irony is, like, most likely what happened was his wife, like, he just, like, his wife transcribed it for him. Oh, she just wrote down whatever the fuck she wanted. Yeah, yeah. Well, apparently she must have hated herself. Yeah, I was about to say she must have fucking hated herself. Yeah, like, how do you listen to your husband be like, women can't do anything? Oh, that's great, honey. That's wonderful.

He's right. I'm horrible at everything. I'm the only one writing this thing down, but sure. It's so unbelievable. These miracles. At least Jesus, at least Christians made up a cool one. Coming back from the death, I mean, that's some Jason Voorhees shit. Yeah.

That's pretty badass. No, Jason. Jesus is a cool dude, man. Long hair, you know? He let it go. He's chilling. I guess so. Gay.

Gay Sam. You always see him. He's all ripped up, man. Jesus has been to it go. He's chilling. I guess so. Gay. Gay, sad. You always see him. He's all ripped up, man. Jesus has been in the gym. He's always in the gym. He's always tanned. Yeah. He's ripped all the time. He got the same effort. He walked on water just because someone told him he couldn't. I love that shit. Bitch, you gonna say I can't walk

on this water right now? No, fuck that. Fuck you. You know how you do that? It was frozen. The water was frozen. I walked on water quite a bit in my life. Jeez, you probably shouldn't have.

You were gambling every time you did that. You're huge. Big Kissel's a very large man. Well, I'm not quite as large as I used to be, but yeah. Back when you were walking on ice.

I was huge. I was a big whale. You were 100 pounds heavier whenever you were walking on ice. They would test her, right? They would send you out first you were walking on ice. You were the tester, right? They would send you out first. Of course.

Of course they did. Yeah, I would actually just find the holes when they went ice fishing. As soon as I fell through, they were like, we're going to fish there. That's fantastic. And then they'd catch you. Yeah, I could have started. Exactly. Hopefully.

I usually like the bait. It was like Whoppers and cheeseburgers. They put a big White Castle burger. It's a little wet. White Castle burger. A little fish slider. You know what, Ben? You're from Wisconsin, and there's been some fucked up shit happening in Wisconsin for the last few days.

By the way, I'm wearing a Wisconsin t-shirt today, and I passed a homeless fellow coming off from the subway. And he just looks at me and he yells, Wisconsin! And he's, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. And he did it the entire, like it was the J train. It's like a huge flight of stairs like two stories high and i heard him when i was coming up you were like cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger which i just thought like yeah i was i was like yeah bitch my home state and he totally captured it like you think wisconsin you think cheese and burgers and cows it's like cheeseburger yeah of course yeah i understand what's weird about that

or funny it's just brilliant it makes perfect sense how does that guy that guy should totally have a job he should definitely have a job somewhere

at least working at like McDonald's or you just like yell cheeseburger and everyone's like yeah sure I guess I'll take one from what you just said

I know I could connect with him he was brilliant there's your church right there man yeah Wisconsin just had a dude who, another story of the weird, which happens all the time in that state,

a dude just got busted with 30 dirty diapers because he likes to wear them. And he broke and entered into people's homes that had children, and then he stole their pampered soil, their soil pampers, and he would just like trounce around in those, which is a

I don't even know what to say. So these are baby diapers that he like fixated to be around him? Baby poo. He broke into someone, like he searched in this family's trash can. Didn't find any. Inside their house? There's so many trash cans outside of homes. Well, that's the thing. He checked in the trash can outside first. This guy is thorough.

Didn't find anything. No diapers. The garage door was open. Walked in the garage thorough. Didn't find anything. No diapers. The garage door was open. Walked in the garage door. Didn't find anything in there. So just sauntered on the house. That guy wanted some diapers. They caught him with six diapers in his pockets.

In his pockets. And then they put 30 more in there. Used. Yeah, what do you... Cargo pants. What do you do? So if you're wearing them, does he like jack off then

when he wears them? I don't really understand these sexual fetishes. How could you guess? Yeah. Or does he he jack off then when he wears them? I don't really understand these sexual fetishes. How could you guess? Yeah. Or does he just automatically come when he feels baby poo? I read a sex advice column thing and somebody wrote in. They were like, my husband, I just found out about this.

He would just wear the diapers and walk around the house. And then it was like a shame thing. She would catch him and then diaper know diaper off like he wanted to just Like immediately beat off, but these diapers weren't full of baby poo. No, they weren't full of baby poo. That's like what up? Yeah That guy's just a Wall Street That guy is like the dude of all those dudes all those guys like wow that that guy's the fucking master I could I mean yeah, you know he went all the way with it. He's the best

What do you say with the cops bust you with six dirty diapers in your pockets? How did he get them in his pockets? He must have been wearing those cargo pants or something. See, he's got a diaper fetish, which fetishes are, it's a very, you know, kind of tough topic. You know, if you want to wear diapers, that's fine. Yeah, you can do anything you want. But this guy, you've got to think, there's three things that he could have gotten pleasure from. One, wearing the dirty diaper.

Two, fucking the dirty diaper. Right. Three, smelling the dirty diaper while he whacked off. Right. Like he has it on his face and he's just... Oh! That makes him feel so less disgusting. I'm sorry, man.

It's just immediately what I thought of. No, I mean... Slaps it around his head. Right. Super haircuts as the eye holes out. Yeah, right. What if he just wants to rob banks with him? It doesn't have to be a fetish.

He just needs something to rob a bank with. Yeah, all anyone's going to concentrate is the diaper. And the smell, you know? And the smell, yeah, yeah. They'll be so disgusted they won't touch that button to call the police. They'll just immediately give them the money and be like, get the fuck out of here. I want to know how the parents even noticed that the dirty diapers were gone.

Well, I think they caught them in the house. That's such a strange thing, because if I see someone, like, grummaging through my trash, taking the dirty diapers, have them. I'll just give them to you. Yeah, but you don't want that guy coming in your house. God knows what he's going to do or take next. Well, that's the thing, and that's why I'm surprised,

because that's breaking and entering, and he only got community service, which is why Wisconsin constantly has psychos, because there's no punishment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got community service and probation. Oh, man. That's it. That family should have just shot him in the face, man. If it was Texas, that would have happened.

Yeah, the cops would have just waited outside. They'd be like, do whatever you want to do. We'll just be out here. Let us know when to come in. Oh, cops in Texas just can't wait to fucking kill someone. They love it. They just cherish it. Queens, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. New York City is just so much different than every other place on the planet. They just had that law that was, or that legislation where it's like, cops should no longer shoot to kill. Yeah. Which is a little bit crazy. bit crazy cops were so pissed off yeah i mean i mean i don't know it's hard to say because it's like i guess as a cop you'd be petrified if some dude is like running at you you have no idea who he is you have no idea what they're capable of the best idea is probably just to shoot him in the head but then again they're not zombies so you should

probably like head so small shoot him in the chest yeah that's what they're not zombies. So you should probably like... Well, the head's so small. Shoot him in the chest. Yeah, that's where they're trained to go for the torso. Oh, it's the torso? Yeah, now it's harder to shoot a person because they've got to go for the legs and the arms. Shoot him in the arms! What is this? But that's the thing, though. You shoot someone in the thigh,

very likely that person will die without medical attention very soon. Big vein. Yeah, big vein. That guy in Band of Brothers shot himself with the, what are those things? What are those? Gun? No, not a gun.

Not a specific gun. What's the Nazi gun? The Luger. He was going to take it home as a souvenir. Oh, it was an accident? Plaque Silbera style? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What an idiot. Yeah, what a dumb fuck. Why was it loaded if he was just going to take it home and... It's at war. You keep all guns loaded.

Where's the war? It's at war, too. Oh, this happened in WW2. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of which, US just got three more fucking deaths.

Yeah! What's that bomb? There was a bomb that was 24 feet underground in Germany, and they just found it. I forget, what were they doing? Some construction, some excavation or something? They were doing some construction on a new sports stadium. And they found this old WW2 bomb, and apparently the first thing to go is like the, what do you call that?

The detonator. The detonator. Austin Marcus. Jumping in there. It just makes everything more unstable. So the guys tried to make it not blow up, and then it blew up, killing three and injuring six. Yeah. Fuck yeah, man.

Yeah. We got three more. WW2 lives on. I love it. Was it an American bomb or a French bomb or a Russian bomb? They don't say Yeah it was a 2000 pound bomb That's a big beast

2000 pounds 2000 pounds They just buried it They don't know How it got there You just buried bombs No idea how it got there We won the war

Like what are you gonna do With that bomb I buried it So they're everywhere I imagine Yeah I would guess though France France is full of

Undetonated bombs. Oh, yeah. That's the plan. It's like, fuck you in the future. When this is over, I still want to fuck up your community. That would be odd. We should just bury time-released bombs to go off like 15 years from now. In Iraq.

Yeah, in Iraq. Whoever we're fighting. God knows where we are. Oh, in 15 years. Good Lord. But what if someday we realize we're totally wrong, and then we're like, oh, fuck, we buried that bomb. Ooh, it's going to be burned.

We love them now. We're just like, I'm so sorry we buried a bomb. The sick irony. Yeah, where is it? What did you say your address was again? Yeah. Near that. Yeah, you built on top of it.

But nonetheless, it's been great. It's been fun. We're going to go. Get out of here. We got a poker game to get to. Yeah. So anyway, it's been fun. And we'll never see you again.

But God, I loved you. Fuck you. Good night. Fuck you. A good night. I love it, man. Yeah, USA is still fucking shit up So where is this, was it Go off in France or Germany?

So we killed Germans at least It was a college Everyone supports it Three more krauts, I'm fucking done Yeah Fuck them hard Aren't you of German descent though? Yeah, my opa was in the army, yeah.

He was a Nazi commander. I mean, a naval commander. Whenever you were like, my opa was in the Navy. I mean, it is what it is. There's a reason my father fled, you know, because he was like, oh, I don't want to be a Nazi, you know, son of a Nazi. But it doesn't matter. Once you're a son of a Nazi, you're always a son of a Nazi. The grandson of a Nazi. The grandson of a Nazi. The grandson of a Nazi.

The grandson of a Nazi. It was always so crazy. God damn, I don't even know. I hate you so much. I know, man. It's like you got that fucking thought in you. What did your family do, Holden? They were very peaceful.

They were mommy and daddy loved me. My grandpa, my granddad was a Golden Gloves champion. That's good. That's so funny because you're so weak. I know, right? I can't believe it myself. Yeah, he was a gambler and a wheeler and dealer. But then he cleaned up.

He cleaned up his act and then had a bunch of kids. And then I was like, hey, hi. And he was like, he was a cigar smoking guy. He didn't get me at all. But we used to watch Hee Haw together. It was my first sketch comedy. I love Hee, hey, hi. And it was like, it was a cigar smoking guy. It didn't get me at all. But we used to watch Hee Haw together. That's awesome. It was my first sketch comedy. I love Hee Haw. Hee Haw.

It was just a different time. When I would go visit my grandfather in Germany, it was like, it was really weird because you have like, Germans have a very strange guilt. Well, so he made it through the war. He lived. He died in 84. I mean, he was a multimillionaire. He started a labor union and everything.

He was a huge political figure, he was. a multi-millionaire. He started a labor union and everything. He was a huge political figure, he was. And he would, it was just very, very bizarre because he would be like, you know, it was terrible what we did, I guess. And he always said that he didn't know about the camps, but like, you know about, why are all those trains leaving

full of starving people? Where'd the Jews go? Did you ever ask yourself that? Obviously he was anti-Semitic. Yeah, did he still hate Jews, do you know? Well, you know, he would only my dad alluded that he did he never said that to us blatantly

but they would speak in German a lot my dad didn't teach us German because I just really don't think my father cared that much he didn't really enjoy that

what would you do in German if you knew how to speak it I don't know maybe fuck a hairy chick yeah I don't know

scare people yeah scare people it's a human centipede takes place exactly have a huge jewish man murder me which they're all huge by the way which is a stereotype that is not out there that should be jewish people are huge not really there's a lot of little jews man yeah you ever meet lee rubinstein? No, no, I haven't. Oh, yeah, teeny, teeny, tiny Jew.

Yeah, but he controls the big Jews, and the big Jews just murder you. I love it. But my opa, he was very bizarre.

He would be like, you know, it wasn't good what we did, but then we'd always back that up with, but at the same time, Germany almost took

over the world and it's the size of Wisconsin. He would always say stuff like that, so it was like this weird pride, but yet,

he was wrong. pride but yet he was wrong he's trying to impress you with nazi shit yeah i mean it was the thing to do it was the thing to do back then i mean the pope was a nazi oh god don't even fucking get me started on that hitler youth that piece of shit i mean i will say joey rats everybody was hitler youth though that's that's that's the thing there There wasn't a... I am sick of... The Pope was a Nazi. At one point in his life, the Pope was a... How do you become the Pope?

And at one point in your life, you used to murder Jews by the millions. See, times have changed. I mean, that's... Times have changed. That's exactly what I was saying. This is why Jesus died of a broken heart. Because things like this are happening. He's like, we're all screwed.

That's only the last thing he said right before he went. He was just like, we're all screwed. Either way. Did he just sail off to heaven on a sailboat? Yeah. Jesus is surfing. What is surfing? I don't know.

It's awesome. It's awesome. Oh, fucking Germans, man. I would not want to be in Germany. I'm very, very happy my father left that place. The neo-Nazi movement is coming back big time, too, in that country. Oh, let's fucking kill them. Take away the army.

They just got one like five years ago. I know. It's taken away. Well, I mean, they're not doing anything with it. Well, yet. If Nazis can be in charge. You take away the army. I guess so. I don't know. To tell you the truth, I'd love it if we got into a war with a white nation. It would be so much easier. It would be so much easier. Oh man, you kidding me? No,

they just pull the bomb on us or some shit. Yeah, I don't know what the Tea Party would talk about, but yeah. There was just that politician who called Obama a raghead. Yeah. Which isn't even the proper term. It's a towelhead. Yeah, yeah. If you want to be like...

No, that's raghead. No, raghead works. I've never heard raghead before, though. I've heard it before. Raghead? Oh, yeah. I think I've heard it a couple times. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I thought that was like a new word. Raghead is an acceptable racist term. Yeah. I thought the dude was trying to be like under the radar. Right guy is an acceptable racist term. I thought the dude was trying to be like under the radar. What was the name of that guy? That politician? Senator Jackie Knotts.

From South Carolina. I'm looking at a picture right now. I actually still like this guy. I'm just looking at this picture. He's all fat and shit. He's got his coat over. He's got one finger holding his coat. He's happy as hell. He looks like... coat over. He's got one finger holding his coat. He's happy as hell.

He looks like... Oh, God. Oh, he's a little plumpy-dumpy. Slimer. You know, he's got a goddamn Slimer. He's got a cooler of Budweiser's on his porch at all times. See, that's the thing, is that this fucking... The comment was made during a live podcast recording at a bar. Oh, at a bar. Oh, at a bar.

Oh, so he was hammered. He was hammered. Yeah, he was hammered. That poor guy. He was hammered and called Obama and his opponent in the fucking senatorial race ragheads. Oh, man, he just thought it was hilarious. He did.

It was a mistake. He was drunk. That's a lovable dude, man. It's like a human version of Pillsbury Doughboy. He's not real. The Doughboy's not real. I want him to bake me something. It is funny. It's a bad thing to do, though. It's not going to help get your point across.

You gotta be careful if you're going to try to do that shit. I mean, that's the thing with the tea party. That's why they're getting derailed right now. Here's the thing. He didn't just say raghead. Uh-oh. His opponent is Indian-American, and he said, she's a fucking raghead which I don't actually think that's true about Indian people

if anything you should think she's got the three eyes but he actually said he later clarified his statement he didn't mean to use the F word that's unbelievable that's hilarious I love that so much i don't want him

to bake me anything anymore here's here's what he actually said we got a raghead in washington we don't need one in south carolina snot said more than once she's a raghead that's ashamed of her religion, trying to hide it behind being Methodist for political reasons. I just thought, when you said raghead in Washington, I just thought of a homeless dude in the middle of the summer with a wet rag over his head

just playing the drums on a fucking little barrel. That would make a lot more sense. Oh man, he's slowly turning insane. Someone should have just told him he was cute and he should have written that out. Maybe you should exit on that out. Yeah. Maybe you should exit on the raghead part. What do you guys think about that mosque being built three blocks away from the World Trade Center?

It's a very, I mean. That's a taboo subject. I mean. Yeah, it is. Well, I think it's. Well, let's tackle it. Yeah. I don't even know.

These are the round table of gentlemen. All right. It's a wild idea. I beat off to that idea. Oh, all right. Yeah, that and Facebook pictures. Yes. So be careful, everybody.

Yeah, girls. Yeah. Ladies, my friends. It could be you, but it's kind of like, hey, it's nice. It is you. It is you. It's nice. If you're one of those friends.

That's a compliment. My beat off fantasies, I start, I do a lot of foreplay, see. I take them out. I buy them a nice dinner. You just like three of their comments. Yeah, yeah. And then you look through their pictures. If you think about it, I got like 1,500 friends on Facebook.

If I'm beating off to you on Facebook, I could be looking at all types of porn, all types of sex shit. If I'm looking at you on Facebook. You're fucking special. You're better than Gainer Feeder. You're better than Gainer Feeder. I don't know. Don't go there. I don't know if that's true. I think it's more. You're better than Gainer Feeder. You're better than that. I don't know. Don't go there. I don't know if that's true.

I think it's more. You would have been happy for me. I did some Sasha Gray looking. Yeah, you were always talking about Sasha Gray. She does, man. She knows how to fuck. I don't know. She didn't really do it.

I know she knows how to fuck. I don't know. She didn't really do it for me. She exudes something. I'm not gay. I like bigger titties. That's my thing. No, no, no.

I do too. But I also like watching a chick deep throw. She transcends. That's the thing. She's not even necessarily my type in terms of porno watching. Yeah, huge tits. Maybe I should watch another one. No, watch another one because she is so not my type.

Watch the one Sasha Gray in a sausage factory. Uh-oh. Pornhub.com. Oh, man. That sounds dirty. Sasha Gray in a sausage factory. Uh-oh. Pornhub.com. Oh, man, that sounds dirty. Sasha Gray in a sausage factory. So dirty. That's amazing.

I don't know. I don't like, like, ten dudes and a chick. You know? That's not my thing. I can do it if the... I like the chick to be in control in some weird way. Yeah. You know, like, just loving the dick.

I love a good gangbang. I do, too. I can watch that all day long. You've never been a part of one. No, I never will be. I would be so scary. Could you imagine Ben as a Hell's Angel? That would be like...

That would be not good. If I was a Hell's Angel, I'd do it. Yeah, I guess so. You'd also have to do it to be a Hell's Angel. That's worth it. It's worth it. It's completely worth it. I will say, but with that mosque three blocks away, it's like, I don't like the idea,

but I think that it has to be legal for them to do that, right? Yeah, it should be all right. Because that's the whole freedom of religion thing. Yeah. So if we have this huge protest against it, then all of a sudden it's like... No, that's why I'm just like, it's fine. I don't know why they want to do that per se, but it's weird.

They say it's all about healing. They say it's all about healing the rift. Okay. Yeah, it's a statement. What's this? You know, there you go. Healing the rift. No, I totally think that could be a possibility, and I think, yeah, it's definitely something that's like, you have to allow it.

That's why we got to put this fuck church over by the ground zero. Gotta get the fuck church going. Close the rift. Make the rift a little bit larger. Stick a dick in the rift. That's what we gotta do. I think it is bizarre though that there's gonna be a mosque before

there's any tribute whatsoever to 9-11. Or any progress. There's nothing being done over there. It's a big fucking hole. That's what it's called. Remember when that bum found the plans and then gave it to the post? Do you guys remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So they put it in a dumpster. The plans to rebuild. Yeah, the plans to Freedom Tower 1. So those got nixed. Yeah, yeah, no. A bum found the plans

and then went straight to the post and then the post went and took a picture of the bum holding the plans. That is such a 1950s... Gave him like 20 bucks! That's such a 1950s old-timey ending to a movie. The bum just finds a piece of gold

and he bends it and he's like, oh, it's gold! It's gold! It's real gold! I think you're talking about the last scene of UHF. Yeah, exactly. Thanks, mister! I think it was like Drew's idea. I don't want to claim it as my own, but just a gigantic golden Superman statue. Bigger than any building on the island of Manhattan. A huge Superman, Just fucking massive.

Oh, that's a great idea. If any of our sports teams ever make it to a championship, we can put their jerseys on it and shit like that. Yeah, good luck with that. Huge fucking jersey. Yeah, good luck with that. Gigantic jersey. Yeah.

You know, we were talking about porn earlier. What about? Yeah, we were talking about Sasha Gray and all that. There was a porn actor Guy, got fired Killed someone Injured three others He went after him with a knife A huge ass knife

Like porn people that he went after? I think so, it was at the production company Man, he loved his career Why did he get fired? Yeah, why did he get fired? They don't say why he got fired. That's important. Could he not fuck as hard?

What's it do? It's very funny because we used to do a podcast, The Brain and the Beast, and we had a lawyer on. And when he got fired, he couldn't get a boner. Yeah, he couldn't get it up. Because he lost his job. And this kind of cuts out the middleman. Like this dude couldn't get a boner for his job. And then he was so emasculated because he literally

couldn't bone up for the job. And then he had to murder. That's why he got fired, because he couldn't get it. I mean, I would imagine, why do male porn stars get fired? Maybe he was too rough. Could be a dick. Yeah, he could just be an asshole. He could have punched a girl. No pun intended. He had been told a week earlier that he was getting let go.

So he had a week to ruminate about this shit, and how he killed them prop sword. Really? Good prop. You know he was just doing lines of like Mashed Up Coke and Viagra? Oh yeah.

Get it back and just scream it in his dick. What do you want? Just looking at all different smuts. The day that I talk to my penis I just don't, I mean, you know, the day you're screaming at it to get hard, I can Just looking at all different smuts. The day that I talk to my penis, I just don't. I mean, the day you're screaming at it to get hard. I can't imagine. It's going to happen.

You don't? I had a situation. Sometimes you're so drunk, you're like, come on, baby. What's your problem? Yeah. No. A couple of weeks ago, I had a situation. And my lady went to take a shower.

I knew we were going to have sex. And I just shook it. Just shook the shit out of my dick. I was just like, wake up! Wake up, motherfucker! I didn't know what to do. I was literally just hitting it at it. And finally, it was like, something happened. I was like, okay, we're going to be fine. We can work with this.

I'm seven inches. I'm half hard. This is great. I have been so punch drunk that I've thanked my penis mid-sex. So you do talk to it. Yeah, it just blew me away. I'm surprised by it. I'm like, I'm giving you a gift tomorrow.

I don't know what it's going to be. I don't know what I'm going to give you. I've never, ever had whiskey dick. I've never, ever failed. How about acid dick? No, I've never failed. You've had acid dick? I've never failed to get it off.

My dick is a gremlin. I've never failed it. On any drug, nothing like that. Like, never failed. That's amazing. In fact, fucking on acid, one of the best of my life. Oh, I fucked on acid. It was awesome.

It was great. It was so awesome. It was awesome. We stayed in one position but switched positions like 30 times. What was it like fucking the Lizard King? How is having sex on acid? Oh, it's fucking awesome. It's fantastic.

Really? Everything's more awesome on acid. Yeah. The only thing, I did acid one time. Disney World. On acid? Oh, man. Much better.

The best. Yeah. I did acid one time, and the dude right before it started kicking in was like, well, you know, it bleeds into your spine, right? And it just like, it ruined it. Yeah. I literally just sat there and was like, oh, my spine's full of blood. My spine is full of blood.

It was real weird. I literally just sat there and was like, oh, my spine's full of blood. My spine is full of blood. It was real weird. I just felt disgusted. You know, I'm surprised that Gary Coleman got through life with never making a porno. That's where they tend to go. You don't know that for a fact. Well, have you seen one? No, I haven't seen one. I'm sure that'd be popular if it happened, man.

Yeah. I mean, if Screech's porno was popular. Oh, man. That poor fucking bastard. Yeah, absolutely. Well, ladies and gentlemen, what do we want to do here, Cupcake? Well, it all depends on what you want to do, Ben. Well, ladies and gentlemen.

Well? Well, what is happening right now? I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I feel like I'm about to fucking get murdered. Yeah! That's what's going to happen. Y'all want to go to the boiler room?

Oh, man, that's great. What's going on? No, we're at 43 minutes. What's that mean? We're at 43 minutes. Well, we're trying to end around 45 for this podcast. Oh, we're ending at 45. That's the mission.

That's why he showed you the notes. You make it all smooth and not talk about it. No, exactly. Podcast. That's why I wrote at 43. And then it's like, Ben, you round it all smooth and not talk about it. No, exactly. Podcast. That's why I wrote at 43. And then it's like, Ben, you round it up. That means wrap it up.

I was like, where am I going to be at 43? What am I going to be doing at 43? Without being weird about it. Yeah, we just keep the conversation. We're letting you all in on the process. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Thank you so much for listening in. We'll be here next week. We're going to go fuck in the boiler room.

Ed Larson, Holder McNeely. Oh! Kevin Barnett. Cupcake, Ben Kissel, good eve.