The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 125: Everybody Hug Preggie Dog

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 125th episode of the Round Table: a man dupes his wife into trying meth in a bid to make her see why he likes it so much, a monkey trainer in China lets us in on the secret behind her success and, in one of the darkest stories we've ever done, a man forces his son to have sex with the aforementioned boy's mother. Eesh. Also Micah Sherman and Josh Rabinowitz in the Chuckle Hut!

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here's the round table the round table gentlemen let's broaden our minds it's time for action gentlemen gentlemen what's the topic of discussion civility gentlemen always civility fuck me everyone tell me to go fuck myself. That fucker. Fucking fat dumbass. Never get sick of it. We good? We ready?

All right, I'm going to do a prayer. Not a guided meditation this time. Switching it up. Hallelujah. For some reason, I miss the guided meditation. That's his best idea. It is large. Hallelujah. I missed, for some reason I miss the guided meditation. That's his best idea. It is large, hallelujah.

Merry Christmas, God. And to the devil, to the devil, happy end of the world. It's coming up soon. 21st, bitches. Hi. Hello. Hey, I feel fun and I feel gray On this nasty Shitty Sunday

Horrible abortion Words that should not be said perhaps So we'll keep it short and sweet Because everyone's just gonna trash what I say Lord, I love ya Let's start the show Holden McNeely, everybody Holden, can you lead us on a guided meditation

Sure close your eyes You're giving an awful prayer Everyone is making fun of you It sucks to do it No one likes to do the prayer And you have to do it today So buckle down You say something

You start to sing a song No one buys it And then you say Merry Christmas to start to sing a song, no one buys it, and then you say Merry Christmas to God and then everyone hates it more. Yeah, it is actually worse. It could get worse. But then it did, shockingly.

And there you go, and you open your eyes and we start the show. Wow, you open your eyes and you just visibly look at Holden in judgment. Who's everybody here on the round table? Welcome to the round table number one. And then who is everybody here? Jackie Zabrowski.

I'm a goose. What happened? I'm a goose honk. When did that happen? I'm a goose honk. Yeah. I'm Henry Zabrowski and I'm a goose's husband. Oh my God, we're married.

That's sweet. Henry, how did you propose to her? Oh, I fucking put a ring of ham on her finger. Honk, honk, honk! Goose is getting married! Married! Alright, we know Holden's here.

Yeah! Kevin Barnett, man, I don't fuck with goose, ge geese none of that shit fuck the birds fly too long man that's a good point we got Micah Sherman here as well

thanks for being here Micah let's get ready to have a good time you're my favorite Puerto Rican guest and then of course the very gorgeous unbelievably adorable Josh Rabinowitz. I'll tell you, if I was a girl, I would desperately try to have sex with you every time I saw you.

And then, of course, I would be turned down regularly and have sex with a man that looks more like myself. You'd be such a horrifying large woman. Oh, it would be awful. You'd be so cute. Twice the flirt. I'd buy you a lot of drinks. You'd be such a horrifying large woman. Oh, it would be awful. You'd be so cute, though. Twice the flirt. I'd buy you a lot of drinks. You'd be very saucy, you know? Pinkest asshole in comedy, Joshua Benowitz.

Oh, yeah, I appreciate that. It's gorgeous. All right, with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today, bud? A 20-year-old Belfair man has been charged with assault after he allegedly put methamphetamine in his wife's cigarette without her knowledge. Ooh, that's fun. The man told his wife, 22, that he wanted

her to experience a meth high so that she'd understand why he likes it so much. What is this? Is this menthol? I'm gonna fucking eat your face off. So many women are like, I want to understand you. I want to know how you are.

I want to know how you feel. I mean, he really went out of his way to relate to his girlfriend. Hell yeah. I made my lady sit and watch me smoke weed and play Skyrim today, and it was fantastic. Did you force her to smoke weed and play Skyrim with you, or you were more selfish about it? No, but I fucking killed a fucking ice warlock and it ruled. That makes for a fascinating conversation. Did it really happen?

Was it in real life or was it in the game? It could have been. No, she knitted and fucking cursed me. She got mad at me today, actually, so it was a lot of fun. But I'll tell you, she's very attractive and I enjoyed hearing you guys have sex last night. Hello.

Keep the boobs out. It was just holding crying. And then I'm like, oh have sex last night. Hello. Keep the boobs out. It was just holding crying. And then I'm like, oh, they're fucking. They're definitely fucking. Ben has the ee-oo bed, so I always hear that. Oh, my God. It's a clock watch. Just chilling silence. Okay, this is the thing.

This is the thing. Just total silence, like nothing. Except for Ben just being like, please don't stop it. You know, it's like you're the door trying to be opened well the nice thing is this come here my bed is a total cock block because I'm banging these girls now and I'm like tell me you don't love

me that's why I come so many and uh but this is like my bed is so loud and so squeaky it's the ultimate cock block so I can't even do it because I know big old fucking Eeyore Eard Holden is listening in the room next door squeaking his sweet bean.

I can't fucking do that next to him jacking off coming on his walls. You're actually making love to both of the ugly stepsisters from the Cinderella fuckers. And the thing is, when you fuck twins or stepsisters, it's like you're fucking yourself because they nullify each other. So it's really just a bizarre

form of masturbation, which is why I just tend to jack off on chicks' tits, and I don't care if they have an orgasm. And it's really hard to have sex with animated feature characters. That's true, too. You gotta make those cardboard cutouts. I grabbed that fat little clock man and I pushed him.

It's always 69 on your numbers 69 what do you think about this guy he gave his girlfriend some meth have you given your girlfriend something told her something about yourself that would be like oh this will make her love me this will make her understand me more and then it just totally backfired and it backfired i well like i try you know talk to her right which is never good. And then she'll, uh, I don't know. I've never tried, I've never done

meth before or anything really that dangerous. I guess I, you know. What's the most dangerous drug you've done? Uh, like a weed brownie. Ooh, that's bad. You bad. Weed brownie. The lowest form of weed.

A dessert? But the guy said that it was like almost a gram in it. So, like, it was, you know. Well, no. I mean. I don't know how you survive. I know. How much is a gram?

Well, no. I mean, I would do, you know. Actually, no. I would. I would do math. I smoked like four brownies worth of weed. You don't understand what this pertain. Well, no, I mean, I would do, you know. Actually, no, I would. I was about to be like, I would do math. I smoke like four brownies worth of weed. You don't understand what this man's life is, man. I've been to his house before, his house where his parents live.

There's fucking chipmunks running around and shit. Every time we go, we got to go like on a road trip or something. His mom just packs just tons of snacks. Just fucking snacks, man. It's so nice. She's a great woman. I love her. I love his father.

I don't want to have sex with them both It's beautiful. It's like literally just do it the squeakiest when you say the pinkest asshole in comedy. That's the truth man, right? This guy comes from nothing but niceness. How do you feel when you're over at Rabinowitz's house KB? I feel like I'm in that OG white that old school Cleaver white. Yeah, man. But it's comfort. You just start serving the family. You're like, I just felt like I should bring you water. I don't know why.

I don't know why. Guess who's coming to dinner. You walk in carrying the father's golf clubs. And the father's like, I don't even have golf clubs. No, I bought them for you so I can carry them for you. When I stay over, I sleep outside under a tree. But I get it. I love that Kevin.

He's so respectful of our culture. He's always whistling. Has anybody been laced? Had some shit that was laced? I think I had some shit that was laced with PCP wands. We've sadly always had to buy my drugs. It was in high school. Me and a few friends of mine were

camping out at a place we called Chinaberry Grove and we all smoked a bunch of weed and then we ripped Rice paddy feet. Wait, what did you call it? Yeah, what did you call it? Oh, monkeys! Oh, Chinaberry!

No, we smoked that and then we... No, it was nothing like that. No, I know. Anyway. I'm pretty sure. I wish we could just clock the average time before Jackie or Henry said something racist against the Chinese.

Yeah. Because I'm barely... It's about four and a half minutes in. So we smoked that and then we took a rabbit carcass, a rabbit that someone had killed earlier, hung it from a tree, and then ripped it apart with our bare hands. Oh, God. That sounds awful. That sounds like PCP.

That's about right with the PCP. I think I was 14 or 15. Did blood come out of stuff? My girlfriend had smoked a joint, and the dude was like, it has PCP. And blood started coming out of the walls and stuff. And I hear that a lot. Well, my brother tells a story where he smoked some of the same shit, and he was driving in his car,

and he thought that he was driving, like, 80 miles an hour until his friend just opened the door and started walking next to the car. The crazy thing is they were driving 120. Yeah, that's the thing. PCP makes you Carl Lewis. No, that's the thing. PCP makes you Carl Lewis. No, that's just standard weed, though. Every time I'm driven while weed, I'm always like, man, I'm being a bit of a fucking rocketeer out here.

Posting at 25. It always turns into a video game. Your car is in reverse, sir. Well, that explains why everything is looking so good. Oh, man, I was fucking listening too much. I was just trying to get younger, man. I was just trying to get younger, man. I was just trying to get younger. One crazier drug thing, though, is that when I was a freshman in college,

me and my friend, we bought mushrooms. Magical mushrooms. He kept them in his drawer, and we would, like, look at them. That really is the craziest drug story I've ever heard. What were you guys thinking? Do you guys want to hear this amazing drug story about restraint? So we had these mushrooms. And then the last day, freshman year of college,

we sold them back to the drug dealer for $10 less than we bought them for. This is amazing. Oh, my God. Not a good Jew, though, man. You're going to make some money. We just didn't want to have any problems, and we didn't do any of them. How do you do that? No, I know it's weirder than doing it. It is much weirder than doing it.

Real quick, let's get back to this story. Marcus, what's happening with this guy with the meth and the cigarette? The wife called police to her East Rimmerton home Sunday. By the way, this story is in Washington State. She said that Saturday while they were at the house with their two children, her husband had offered her a cigarette. Cigarette? She said that when she started, quote, freaking out, her husband told her he had put meth in the cigarette. The husband allegedly told two friends that he had a, quote, 15-point plan to get his wife addicted to meth.

Wow. I don't think that's a lot of points. The first point is to smoke meth. Yeah, like have her do meth. Point number two is to fucking build a shed in the backyard overnight. Three is to go and paint the house. Hope she likes purple. God fucking nightmare, man.

I've used my mind. Henry, what do you think point 12 is? Point 12 is like, you know, thank the coyote for showing you the knowledge. Clean the skull off and fucking present it to the ruby lord. I don't understand why he told her.

Right. Just let her smoke the cigarette, smoke your meth, and have a great time together. Yeah, party all night. Micah, if you had to convince a girl... By the way, I'm very ethical. Yeah, you are. What drug would you force on your significant other? If you had to be like, I love

meth, or mushrooms or crap. If you had a gun to my head saying, you have to give your... Do something. What drug do you force on another person? Because I think meth, it's actually a little controversial to give to the girlfriend. It makes them scratchy, and they get bitey, and they get fighty. They get mean. They get mean.

I feel like it's got to be something to balance whatever their general personality is out. So if they're hyperactive, you'd want to give them something like... Like some opium. Yeah. Quail eggs. But if they're like super like, no, I don't want to go out tonight, then you give them like, you know, cocaine. Your speeds. Your cocaines are speed balls.

So, Micah, your girlfriend. What would you give your girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend. But let's pretend like women have. She had a drug overdose because I gave her a bunch of cocaine. No, I'd be worried about giving someone a fucking drug overdose. If they never had the drug and then they just keep doing the drug because they don't know what they're doing, they're probably, you know, going to die. I'm going to go with ecstasy on this one.

Ecstasy is a good drug to give women. I got dosed with ecstasy. How was that experience? Not great. Against your wishes? Yeah, I've done ecstasy on purpose before and had a great time. But then I reached a certain point where I was like, well, this is something I don't need

to do anymore. Was it because of the depression the next day? Yeah, the comedown's a bitch, man. Yeah, I couldn't take it. And I was at a bachelor party, and the groom was like, here, man, have some of my beer. I'm done with it. Right, right. And I was like, great.

Because it's full of a lot of ecstasy. Yeah, no problem. And then I was like, oh. It's weird, yeah. Oh, boy. And it immediately started coming down. Like, I was already having a great time at this concert and immediately started coming down

because I knew I was going to have a fucking come down the next day. Think about it. You've got to enjoy and embrace the drug, though. I was already enjoying and embracing other drugs. Did I talk about that here when they put Molly in my drink? No. No. It was not at all.

This is like, well, like, whenever I went to Tallahassee like a month or two ago, that was the craziest thing, too. Did you get super horny? Oh, man, I fucking loved it. I had no idea I was on it, though. Like, it was like, we were at the bar, and my cousin Dwayne and a friend Barry were like, yo, we doing Molly tonight, man? You trying to be about this?

I was like, nah, man. And I went to this long story you're not trying to force him with three guys and one girl named Molly exactly I went to this long story about how like

drug induced psychosis is a thing in my family I think on my mom's side at least wait drug induced psychosis is like they there's people who have lost their mind like forever

and I was like that happens permanently the story the Ben Folds 5 song where the guy went up in the tree went up in the mushrooms

and became super religious and shit. And they're like, oh man, that's horrible. Like, I talked about that for like five minutes. Like, oh man, that's crazy, man. That sucks. I'm like, yeah, man, so I ain't doing it. Go to the bar, they're like, hey, you want to get a drink?

We'll get you a drink. I'm like, all right, cool, cool. They fucking dropped Molly into my drink. Didn't tell me. And I fucking lost my mind. It was great. I loved it. But you had a good time with her. The thing about me and I fucking lost my mind it was great I loved it but you had a good time the thing about

me and Molly is that I just loved giant black women women I'm talking about like obese like I just fucking just the softness of it I remember dancing with a girl at one point and I was just screaming yes yes the whole time and like for the rest of the night, I wanted nothing to do with anyone who wasn't a giant black woman. Oh, I like that. That's amazing. I should take more of that drug. I love when a woman feels like a pillow. So, Kevin, like, what relative lost their mind?

I don't want to go into this. Yeah, we can't go into this. Well, let's go to the next news story. In San Jose, California, police have charged a couple with kidnapping a handyman to fix stuff around their house. Please let me know. We own you. Police say the couple beat up the man when he arrived and threatened him with more if he didn't fix the dishwasher and a broken door. I mean, just fix it.

Just fix it. He did so, and they were driving him to another house when he escaped at a gas station. Partial explanation, the handyman apparently had a dispute over work he had for a relative of the couple, and police say they were exacting revenge. Not bad. What a good revenge.

Says the Santa Clara County Sergeant, quote, pretty much told, hey, we're gonna kill you if you don't do what we tell you. We want you to fix these things around the house. Out of fear of the unknown and of what's going to happen to him, the handyman complied. I mean, can you imagine how much worse it would have been if he was a mailman? Or if he was someone who just had no idea how to fix a dishwasher? I mean, at least they chose the right guy.

You're asking the handyman to fix shit. He's like, well, I can do that. I can conquer this problem. I would be dead in a ditch right now. Immediately. Fix the dishwasher. You're just pissing on the dishes? I don't know how to clean anything. No, it's just a much

more boring Saw movie. It is. Instead of having this big helmet you have to unlatch it, you just have to screw this into this wall. I can't find a stud! There's three studs. Jackie, is this a woman's fantasy come true?

Yeah! Just abduct a handyman and force him to fix everything in your house at gunpoint? I just want to own a man. I would just love to have... Slavery! Yeah! But I'll cook for him,

and I'll treat him nice, but he can never leave the house If he just gave in He would have just been a part of the family That's the thing Yeah, you're just a very helpful New son or daughter You are literally describing slavery here

Yeah, but like I'll make him feel good You would feed on him Unless he like fucks up or something Every year he gets a fat Christmas goose If you want to do this for a week And make it a documentary. Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

But you can never leave the house ever again. Fuck Morgan Spurlock. This is much bigger. I mean, I think, Jackie, if you were a slave owner back in the day, that would be the happiest slave folks on the planet. Yeah. Because you would just fuck all of them, and all they would have to do was orgasm on you. Yeah, just have to Thomas Jefferson their ass.

Exactly. That's what I'll call it. That's what I'll call it. I just also like imagining the Maytag repairman at gunpoint being dragged from house to house, forcing to fix things. I think it's great. Also, most men don't know how to fix anything anymore.

Hey, I know how to fix shit. I'm sure. I don't need to fix anything. I'm good at it. You just kidnap a handyman. Exactly. Kevin, if you were a slave, would you like to fuck Jackie or is that idea absolutely disgusting? I think if he was a slave, he wouldn't have any choice. Yeah, that's the thing. I'd be up in it all night. That's how you get to stay in the big house.

It's all about staying in the big house. So what's happened to this couple? Are they getting charged with a kidnapping? Yeah, they're getting charged with assault with a deadly weapon, kidnapping, and false imprisonment. Oh my goodness. Right, so did they let him go at the end? Well, he escaped when they stopped at a gas station. Right.

He escaped, called 911, and the clerk says the officers drew their weapons as the two kidnapping suspects nervously shopped for snacks. Why would they assume he wouldn't escape? Yeah, they both left the car. Yeah, he escaped at one station, they drove to the next one over because they're like, ah, the police are probably going to come. And then they sent out of course an APB for these assholes.

And the handyman had called 911 from a man named Eric Hendricks nearby home. The man didn't want his face on camera. Quote, a blonde-haired gentleman came to my door, knocked on the door frantically, asking if he could use my phone. Apparently, he said he'd been kidnapped and beaten, and I could visibly see he had some injuries. That neighbor said the handyman had blood on the side of his face.

Even though authorities say there was no gun or knife involved, the suspects were arrested on the aforementioned his face. Even though authorities say there was no gun or knife involved, the suspects were arrested on the aforementioned charges that I said earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he was called to the house to be assaulted, so he should have known. Alright, you gotta kidnap a certain type of person to better your life in general. Who are you

kidnapping? It wouldn't be a blonde person. It'd be a doctor. A good doctor. A doctor would be great. A doctor. I'd love to kidnap a doctor, beat him up, and make him look at all my lumps. Or like a tailor would be a lot of fun, and then all your clothes would look really good. Ooh, I like that one. What do you want? Let's kidnap some servicemen.

A doctor tailor, yeah. Michael, what service industry person do you want to have? I was thinking Taylor Swift. Oh, of course. Just have her play a concert in my living room for 12 hours, but then what do you do? Just have a marathon beat-off session. What's that?

Just have a marathon beat-off session, essentially. Yeah, I guess. Man, I wish you and Taylor Swift probably had the exact same asshole. Definitely. No doubt about that. No, no, if we ever meet, we'll definitely try and talk about that to Bond. That would be a really good Bonding point. That would be great. Show me yours, and then she shows you No, no, no. If we ever meet, we'll definitely try and talk about that to Bond. That would be like a really good Bondic point. That would be great.

Show me yours, and then she shows you hers, and holy Lord. Yeah, speaking of rabbinimates, I think Henry and Jackie just want to kidnap a Jew. No. A Taylor Weiser. A Taylor Weiser. Of course. Is Taylor a Jew? No.

No, Josh is Jewish. Oh, Josh is Jewish. Josh, I would never want to kidnap you, though. Hey, Josh. Okay, thanks. Are you a doctor? You guys just kidnap Jews and then find out they're not doctors. What do you mean you're not a doctor?

Oh, you're a disappointment to your mother? Get out of here. Get out of here. Then you just blindfold them and you leave them someplace. Yeah. Well, no, that I guess, yeah. You just give them about three or four sandwiches in a plastic sack tied to their belt. You blindfold them and you leave them out in the woods.

The sandwich is a nice thing to do. I think so. In the end, it's just the way we met. No. This is not about... This is about getting a service. How many sandwiches and what kind? Three sandwiches. Tuna. Tuna? You can order the tuna

really fast, and then you just switch up the third one. You know, I can't sit here thinking about the sandwiches all day. Give them something to eat. I'd be fucking pissed, man. I'd be like, man, I've been this bitch

a slave for ten years and she ain't know I was allergic to tuna. I was in the big house. You just swell up and she kicks you out because you're fat. It's an allergic reaction.

You ain't like tuna! But both these stories just don't make me believe in love because the first one, it's like, oh, these are when two people don't get along horrible things. Now these people really liked each other and then kidnapped someone. See, I'd also kidnap Mario Batali. Keep him around.

What would you have Mario do for you? Making pizzas and pastas. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, and then slowly but surely, you begin to pay him and then he's your employee. Not bad. You switch it over. Josh, if you were kidnapped by a couple, what sort of task would you

be like, I can do this for you? I don't know. Be unbelievably cute and they can just paint you? Oh yeah, yeah. You'd be a great human ottoman. You'd be like a house elf. You'd be like Gabi. Yeah, like a little schoolboy. You'd be a great human ottoman. You'd be a great ottoman.

I don't know. You're not pudgy enough. You wouldn't be comfortable enough. Well, I would put on some weight and then let them use me as an ottoman. You could use some weight. Yeah. No, I don't look...

You're so cute. You could also use a little sailor costume. You take every opportunity to say that I look sick Why are you calling Josh sick right now? I mean Josh looks horrible That's how I mess shit all the time He's like a little Pokemon Big ol' eyes

He's like oh were you gonna come on my face? I had no idea It's like I've been telling you I was gonna do that for ten hours Especially in this room though Poor Josh is just surrounded by big monsters We don't have every drug. We drink every night. You're fucked up for not.

No, but that's the thing, though, because Josh. I'm a really hairy. Like when you're talking about that I have a pink asshole. Yeah, sure. I don't even. I'm not confident. I'm very. It'd be hard to see.

It's that hairy down there. I'm a really hairy guy. Let the record show Joshua Benowitz is a hairy asshole. I'm pretty sure I could find it. He's searching for it like he's looking for truffles. Did you find it, Micah? With his snout. All right, come on, Josh.

Let's see that chest. No. No. Mark was so definitive about this idea. Let's put it to a vote, all right? chest. Oh, yeah. No. Mark was so definitive about this idea. Let's put it to a vote, all right? We got to know. We're trying to. It's really real, really quick.

It's like a really shitty version of Howard Stern. It's a Texas wedding. All right, let's see them. See, look at the top of your bush hair. Come on, Jesus Christ. Has a woman ever complained about your hairy anus? My hairy anus? No, it's never really been implemented, I guess.

That's good. All right, let's move on. What's going on with this story? We're going to move on. Well, that's pretty much the end of that story. Right now, we're going to move on to monkey news. Oh, yeah, the monkey news. A monkey expert's wife, and this story is out of China.

Oh, very good. Oh, we're right, monkeys. Oh, a monkey is where I got my Richard's rib. A monkey. Chinese Henry, what do you feel about the monkey? Oh, it's like a Richard person. If you put a Richard robe on him, it's how he do. What's your favorite thing to do with the monkey, Chinese Henry?

Oh, I pat his head and he brings me berries. What happens if the monkey doesn't bring you berries? Oh, he gets a slap strap. A monkey gets a slap strap. What on earth and why? He rubs his strap strap. He's trying to talk about those filthy Irish. Oh, I hate the filthy Irish.

Well, we're going to get to the Irish later. A monkey expert's wife has revealed the secret to her husband's success as one of China's top trainers. She breastfeeds her simian students. Nope. Nope. That's not what you do. And they don't gnaw on the nipples? That's my question. They're not chewing on them things?

Zhao Xingzhen revealed the bizarre method during interviews to promote husband Kang Aixing. Oh, Mr. Mickey, do you want some lunch? And America comes and he sucks some of my sweet sweet milk. Oh, so good to be trained. I'm very filled with sweet sweet milk. This is like Chinese Cartman. Yeah, exactly.

What are they teaching these monkeys? in Nanyang, Hainan Province. And yes, they do have a monkey school. Huang 34 has become one of the region's top monkey trainers supplying young apes for work in movies, circuses, theaters, and to street performers. I'm going to show you guys a picture. This is side by side, the monkey trainer on the left and what they teach the monkeys to do on the right. Is he hugging a dog? He's hugging a dog.

It is on the left, a woman with one monkey on her shoulder and a monkey on each leg and kissing a monkey. The picture on the right, which by the way you can find on the round table of gentlemen Facebook page. That dog is incredibly pregnant. The monkey on the right is

a monkey riding a pregnant dog. Henry, you're a monkey trainer. You're a Chinese, Henry, and you're training monkeys on how to get onto a pregnant dog. How are you telling it to get on? I am a monkey. You see a dog. Fear with baby dog. You go up right there.

Hug it real hard. Oh, isn't that the cutest thing I've ever seen? A monkey do. All right, well, I'm going to... Hong Kong, if you can... How and where and why. What's the reward that you give to the monkey? Has no one ever seen monkey's... China's top sitcom, Monkey Hug Preggy Dog?

Yeah, it's their Everybody Loves Raymond, or their Seinfeld for a second. Well, I'm going to get a Hong Kong... Everybody hug... Everybody hug preggy dog. No, it's you. Just going to really take over the nation. Everybody hug preggy dog.

Well, I'm going to get Hong Kong to help me out with the quotes here. His wife, Zhao27, explained, Many times, some of the baby monkeys slip into our bed at night to suck my breasts. What? What? How did you feel with this?

That would be many times some of the baby monkeys slip into our bed at night to suck my breasts. Why couldn't the translator choose more clinical words? I feel they are just like material. Why couldn't the translator choose more clinical words? I feel they are just like my children. I feel like they are just like my children. They are not. In this house, the monkeys are king.

In this house, the monkeys are king. When I see him praying with my son, I can see how close we are to them. And they are to us. And I'm pleased my boy has such a good payment. I can't be how close we are to them. And they are to us. And I'm pleased my boy has such a good pre-mate. I can't be here for this. Look at these monkeys! Alright, and we're going to go through some monkey pictures here. Yeah, and...

Oh my god. She's tonguing that monkey. She's tonguing a monkey. Oh my god, it's sucking on her breast. Her breast is down by her waist. Henry, what if one of these monkeys messes up and can't grab the dog? How are you encouraging it to grab the dog? Oh, with that deuce, I ray on my berry.

When I, too, am pregnant. And they come and they hug my neck. And I say, pretend I'm a doggy dog. and I say, pretend I'm a doggy dog. And by the way, there is a picture of a monkey feeding a child a peanut. Oh, that's sweet. That's a good monkey. That's a very cute animal. Why is she still producing milk?

I don't understand. Their child seems to be pretty old. Well, you know, The funny thing is Any mammal Can breastfeed any other mammal Jackie If you had to have one animal suckle on your sweet tits When you're lactating nice milk What animal would it be?

A seal They would probably feel really nice I don't think so Seals are giant They got dog teeth Preggie dog I don't think so. The seals are giant. They're going to rip you off. They got dog teeth, man. Preggie dog. Everybody loves preggie dog.

How about you? Such a great knockoff of a knockoff. It should be like an octopus. Something with no teeth. No, no, no. She can't breastfeed a mollusk. She has to breastfeed a mammal. It has to be a mammal. So like a shark or something.

Sure. Something like that. Is that what you would go with, Micah? You want a shark to nipple on you? I would definitely go with baby shark if I could lactate. Yeah, just put them right on your chest there. All right. Not bad.

Not bad. What's happening? What else is going on with this story? Well, that story, that's it. That's all done. That's done? There's no more? No problem.

What happened? Did she get like, there wasn't no crime or nothing, right? It was just... It's China. Isn't that weird? Yeah, they can eat whatever they want. No, really, you can, any, well, you can, it would be the same thing as, like, we've gone through many stories here where you have dogs breastfeeding sheep, and you can feed a child,

like, for a child, if you don't have breast milk, the best thing to give it is goat's milk rather than cow milk. You know what's so interesting though is these monkeys must have loved her because we've heard so many stories recently about gorillas ripping people's faces off and monkeys killing people. I mean they must have been like relatively human about

sucking on this tit, right? But they also weren't demonized. The people, the trainers weren't demonized. They're all being, like, treasured. The country loves how well they're training these monkeys to hug pregnant dogs. Right. That's what they do. We eat cow milk, drink cow milk, goat's milk,

all these things. What's wrong with a human being feeding a monkey some good human milk? I think this is an evolutionary step in the right direction. And does this mean that China is now officially the superpower? Of course. If they're cool with this. Definitive proof.

Marcus, have you ever sucked the milk right out of a cow's udder? I never have because we don't deal in dairy cows. We deal in beef cows. Only murder cows. Yeah, only murder cows. We only deal with things that we can kill. Yeah, every cow friend Marcus ever had, he also knew he was going to murder about seven months later. In fact, what we did is that we would have one cow that we would raise for an entire year.

We'd keep them in a special pen, give them a special diet, and then you slaughter them at the end of the year. And a cow can, one cow can feed three families for an entire year just as long as you keep them in a meat freezer. Wow. You know what's amazing about that? That cow was like, I won. They're treating me like a kid. They just love me. No, no.

That cow had the best life out of all of them the entire year. Like, my dad would name it every year. And he just, every time he fed it, he'd just look at me like, I'm going to fucking eat you so fucking hard. It's very creepy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What do you think about that, Josh?

You know, he sounds like he probably is a nice guy. He's a wonderful man. My father is a great man. I don't doubt that, but I did not get that from that story. He's always in a massage in the udders. He's rolling them udders with his big hands. He's a great man to humans. Animals, not so much.

Naturally. Well, if you're a cattle rancher for long enough, you learn to hate and despise cows because they are dumb, dangerous animals. I feel the same way about audiences. All right. Next news story. A shocking new children's book aims to help children cope with a parent being arrested and thrown in jail. The night daddy went to jail, what to expect when someone you love goes to jail?

Why's it gotta be a man? That rabbit looks so sad. It follows a young It follows It follows a young rabbit as his father is arrested at their house in front of the neighbors and sentenced to six years in prison. It offers tips

for dealing with the hardship of losing a parent for many years. Here's the cover of the book. Oh, you can't keep a rabbit in jail. Why is the rabbit black? He's brown. That rabbit isn't black-faced. It is. Come on. I mean, Kevin, that rabbit

is Hispanic. Do you think that the father rabbit was roasted for rape? Probably. If he's brown. Jesus Christ. He was raping. If it's brown, flush it down. He's to jail. Through the justices.

Two weeks on jury duty, not one white defendant. Not one. It's all black, all Hispanic. And you know what? I don't want to get political or preachy right now, so I will not. I've always said that. Hispanics are the new rabbit.

And the rabbit's name in the story is Sketch. And he recounts his first-hand experience of witnesses, his father's arrest in their home, and shares his lingering confusion. Henry, I'm going to need you for a little boy voice. Sure. We were at Dad's apartment the night

the police came. Lights flashed. Neighbors stared. The officers put my dad in the handcuffs. The young rabbit recounts with a drawing of a potentially highly traumatic scene for a child to experience. Your dad may have broken the law.

A furry police officer addresses the three children after taking their father away. We need to ask him some questions at the rabbit police station. That's creative. It's very nice. And here is some of the illustrations from the book. Of course, it's a fucking cat, police officer. But in the next one, it's a rat. It's a rat, a white rat.

Yep. Well, there you go. Where are you taking my dad? I asked. What did he do? Your dad's a rapist, son. Well, that's not there in the script. What's going on with you, Micah?

Well, my sister's a Montessori teacher, and she sent me a... What does Montessori mean? It's like private school. It's fake school, yeah. I did Montessori when I was a kid. She was trying to teach her children how to read with blocks. Uh-huh. And can you sound that out phonetically?

She sent me a picture of the blocks. You know what? I literally can't. It says, it's spelled, okay. Sound this out phonetically. Why don't you sound it out phonetically? O-F-S-R. O-F-S-R.

Officer. Officer. I-Z. Officer is. S-A-I-N-G. S-A-I-N-G. G-E-T. Officer is S-A-I-N-G.

S-A-I-N-G-E-T Officer is saying. Saying get. O-F-T-H-E B-I-C-H Bitch. Officer's saying get off the bitch. She's teaching a five year old how to write with blocks and that's what the kid spelled out. Well, I'll tell you.

The American system will work and reign forever. Wow. And here is, it goes even. North Carolina, come on and raise up. Take your shirt off and twist it around your head like a helicopter. I don't know how to. What is that?

What is that? It was amazing. Oh, yeah, tons of girls got raped to it when I was in college. Oh, yeah. Love that shit. Great to it when I was in college. Oh, yeah. Love that shit. Great parties. All right, and it goes on. It takes children through the entire experience of a father going to jail.

Good. Which I think is actually a very healthy book for kids to have. I like it, man. This is sketch. Kevin, why don't you like this book? Why don't you like it? It's dumb. Don't do that shit.

They don't need that. Their dad goes to jail. They deal with it the old-fashioned way by letting it brew inside of them, go and shoot up a school. So you're looking for more school deaths. Less literature, more kids getting shot in school. I love that this book exists. I think it's very important.

This is the scene when Sketch has to go to the prison to talk to his father between the glass on the phone. I messed up, Sketch. Dad said. But I did cause a lot of problems. And I'm sorry. I hope you forgive me. I wasn't sure what to say. I just nodded.

Why would you bring a child into the prison? Daddy is gone. He fucked up. You're never going to see him ever again. If I'm in prison, I just don't want to see my son. I don't want to see my child. I will just allow them to have the illusion of me being something

that I am not. When you see something in prison, somebody in prison is so powerless. Ask the wife to send photoshopped pictures of me in Hawaii. Daddy's on a fun trip and he'll just be like me with the president in that bit that we just heard where is the punchline there's no levity to this book

this book is very serious and it's really serious is boring boring get rid of it well we're gonna move on to Ireland dirty Europe dirty Europe is definitely Ireland Well, we're going to move on to Ireland. Dirty Europe.

Dirty Europe is definitely Ireland. It's where the fucking bug people live. Kevin, would you want to see your dad if he went to jail? If you were a kid? Yeah, man. You want to see him? Yeah, if he just goes to jail and you know he's in jail, of course you want to see him. It just depends on what he did.

I just saw a documentary about parents who were in jail. What was this documentary about? It was called, it's about Bedford, it's about, it's mothers, incarcerated mothers, and they have a, like, a nursery there, so the kids come and see them, and it's like... Suck on the teeth and stuff like that. Well, I, you know, they didn't cover that, but, like, it was... No nipples in this documentary. No, no, no. Boring!

But it was, you know But it was a good documentary. It seemed like a good thing that they see that... But I'd want to be happy if the kids were happy to see their periods completely escalated. I would want to see my dad if it was tax evasion or bank robbery, but if it was for fucking all my friends when I'm a child, I don't know if you'd be seeing daddy no more. Your child friends. Yeah, when I'm a baby and I don't know if you've been seeing daddy no more like your child friends yeah when I'm a baby

and you're fucking all the other babies if it's for putting me in a wheelchair then I probably don't want to see him I don't want to see him right right right right

and talking about fucking babies it's time for pedophile corner oh thank you for fucking me thank you for fucking me

a boy has revealed how his father forced him to watch porn when he was seven years old before the man led him upstairs when he was eight and demanded he have sex with his mother. What's the problem? Door number three. This dad was just so close to being the greatest dad of all time.

Exactly. Go do your favorite thing. You know? That's what happened there. It's holding its life. So we all know of your love affair with your mother. What does your father think of all this?

We've never covered this before. Drunk and asleep. He liked to read and drink his whiskey. But he also tends to his roses. Exactly. Exactly. He tends to the roses. Yeah. Exactly. He tends to the roses. Yeah, it was a lot of like, yeah, it was just a lot of like,

we'll meet in the secret room, which was fun. It was a little secret tiny room. Oh, what's in the secret room, Holden? Stuffed animals. Alright, continue on with a slightly less disgusting story than Holden's. Seven years old. At least they gave

him like a year of gearing up before he turned 14. Yeah, I like that he was pregnant. A full year. The boy, now 14, said he did not realize the sexual encounters with his mother were wrong until four years later when a stunned foster parent told him she would not force him to have sex with her. Quote, this is a quote from the boy. I basically enjoyed it. As he testified in the trial of his parents,

his abuse was discovered in August 19, 2010 when police visited their Plymouth home after child services received a report that a youngster was living in deplorable conditions. And you know what? It's time to reveal to you guys the man who forced him to have sex with his mother.

She has one tooth. That one tooth is good and white. It is crumbly. It's definitely crumbly. And she has a lazy eye. That dad is passing the buck. The buck tooth. Honey, we're going to have a different kind of date night today.

Pun of the year. Micah Sherman, pun of the year. Love you, Micah. Passing the buck. Well, the teenager testified on Thursday that around his seventh birthday, his father called him over to the computer and told him to watch a video. It showed naked men and women having sex, he said. And the videos, which he watched three times a week, were allegedly used to train him for having sex with his mother when he turned eight. Here's my question.

When they sat down, they broke out the Dr. Spock books. And they were sitting there like, how do we raise this child? And they're like, well, you know, we can't get him fucking you until at least eight. Can you have an erection at eight, though? Oh, let's talk about that. How did that work? No, you can have a boner in the womb. But you can't knock somebody up, though, right?

Yeah, he's not nothing. No, but I bet you he was coming something. Yeah, he probably felt good. And that was tears. And on the boy's eighth birthday, the husband allegedly led his son to his mother's bedroom and told him to have sex with her. Quote, he had been building me up to it.

Woof. It's very disgusting. This story is awful. After that alleged incident, he was soon having sex with Han, the woman, now 45, as many as four times a week. That woman is 45?

Yeah, she looks 45. She's ageless. She is ageless. Wrinkly, ugly 45. Go to the Roundtable of Gentlemen Facebook page to see pictures of these horrible, horrible... Or don't! Don't put it in there.'t forget this story ever happened.

The whole story is... I'm telling you, before the show, Marcus and I go through news stories. And occasionally I look at Marcus' face and he'll be smiling. And that reaction is bizarre. Because you would think he'd be like, I'm a Knicks fan. I'd be like, look at the Knicks one. But no. It's about a story

about an 8-year-old fucking his 45-year-old mother. Like, hey, what's on your mind, buddy? You look like you're thrilled about something. And it's always this. Well, I take pleasure in the strangest things. Yes, you do. In this guy's defense, he had a 15-point plan

and followed through. Also, think about all the ugly chicks this kid is gonna bone later on. He's got no standards. Maybe that's what he was setting him up for. Oh, yeah. He was like, listen, man.

You can't be disappointed. You're gonna be fucking this woman for the rest of your life, basically. Some variation of this horrible thing. I'd love to see his OKCupid profile. It's like, who do you want to meet? Someone with like two or more teeth. Great.

Well, he added, the kid added that his father would even coach him on his performance during their pornography sessions, using the films to show him how to improve his technique. So what do you think that coaching went like, Henry? You fuck a whore! You get in here, you fuck a whore! You fuck a whore! What do you think that coaching went like? Henry? You fuck her hard! You get in there, you fuck her! You keep her in there!

You fuck her! You fuck her in there! You fuck her, son! You fuck your mama! And mama, you're gonna go in there and you're gonna fuck your mother! Alright, Micah, this is the most disgusting... I love when you fuck me, my baby boy! Alright, Micah, it's such a bummer. I don't want to do an act-out from this story.

Just give an act-out from this story. Just give an act out from this story. We're just going to do it. So you're the boy. And also, may I remind you, you are a nominee for, you were a nominee for round tabler of the year. And I didn't get it. You didn't get it. You guys fell short and so am I.

All right, so you're the dad. You have to convince yourself. I'm not doing this. You're not doing this? No, I wouldn't. All right Alright kid, it's halftime Because I pulled you off of her Turn up the heat Why are you pulling him off me, Frank? I didn't get my fucking

Shut up This was your idea, I never wanted to do this I've been watching porn with this kid for a whole year. I haven't had good quality alone porn time in a whole year. Marcus, where was this story? Read the rest of this.

We're not burning in hell. This dude is burning in hell, man. Fuck these people. This is in Pennsylvania. Read that next paragraph. Oh my god. So he was homeschooled, yet his parents hardly ever gave him classes. Police, when they entered the home, said there was an overwhelming stench of cat and human urine odor, along with fecal matter. No, you didn't read this other bit here.

Josh, does this remind you of your childhood upbringing? Is it not a surprise that these people weren't on top of their shit? And also, well, the parents, of course, deny all the charges, and Han, the woman, said that she was, quote, a good Christian woman, and said she had suffered a tailbone injury from a car

accident in 2007 that made it impossible for her to have sex. Unless it was a seven-year-old penis, which is insanely tiny, and she almost doesn't feel it. And the boy, you know, he was living in these conditions, feces, urine, all of that.

His treatment made him so mad that he would take Hans' cats and kill them. In total, he suffocated 37 cats by putting them in a closet and throwing things on top of them. A few days later, he would take them out and play with them, and they would be buried in the yard. Man, he's going to be fine.

It's a great trailer. Sounds like he's got some decent coping mechanisms. He is going to woo some hipster girl with his childhood. He found a release valve. Good fucking lord. girl with his childhood. He found a release valve. God damn. Jesus fucking lord. This might be one of the worst stories we've ever reported. This was really bad and I didn't think

it would get worse. It got way worse. I mean, they're cat hoarders and this kid is murdering the cats. 37 cats. How did they have so many fucking cats? And they all belong to the mother. And he did it because he wanted to hurt her as

much as possible. He said, I chose the cats because they were my mother's favorite. She angered me so I would do something as revenge. Wait, so was this like after he found out that it was wrong what they were doing or this was just while he was like, fucking that pussy. No.

Jesus. Geez. Kevin. You. He probably was, man, with all that rage. Oh, yeah. But was it after? This was during. Because what happened is that he had been taken out of the home at 10 years old,

and then four years later, I think he was taken out of ROM 9 or so. Why was he taken out? Four years later. Because of the home at 10 years old. And then four years later, I think he was taken out of ROM 9 or so. Why was he taken out? Because the parents would make him fuck each other. He didn't know that yet. It was the human in urine feces thing. When the investigators went in, they smelled all this stuff, they sent him to a foster mother,

and then the foster mother was enraged when he was like, so I gotta fuck you, right? And that's when she reported all these incidents to the authorities. She probably let him a few times, though, right? And smeared some dookie on the wall just to make him feel more... Here and there. Here and there.

Could you please smear some poo-poo on the wall to make me feel more comfortable in here? Yeah, but it would just make him hard immediately, all the poo-poo smells. Oh, I need to kill a cat. I need to kill a cat. Can you imagine meeting somebody at a bar and then bringing him back to your house and then all that comes up? Oh, God. I feel like you would know pretty immediately the second you walked into your house and be like, oh, you're fucked up, right?

You had a fucked up childhood. He struggles with small talk, I would imagine. Yeah, but everything might seem pretty trivial. Every single time he wants to talk about the new Prince of Persia video game, he just keeps thinking about all the times he fucked his mother. It's like, that's gotta

be crazy. This story is disgusting. I know, and Marcus left the room, so now we're stuck with this story. He could have left five minutes ago, but he chose to leave after we've been talking about it for five minutes. I am literally judging you

worse. I don't want to be friends with anybody in this room because of that story. Because I know that that exists, and I know that you all know that that exists I think we should all take some time off talk to each other for a while pretty good at sucking a dick though No How do you know? Josh, you have lived, man. Josh, you have had a... Have you read a truth or blowjob, Josh? No. Have you?

No, I've never had a blowjob. A truth or blowjob must be the most disgusting thing on the planet because gums are hard. Yeah. Like, gums would just be... It would be like soft gum meat and then that hard gum bone, like... It would sound like Ben's mattress. Eey-oh, eey-oh, eey-oh. Marcus, can we talk about a different story now? Of course. gum bone. It would sound like Ben's mattress.

Marcus, can we talk about a different story now? We're going to go to a more heartwarming story. A Clarksville woman, this is in Clarksville, Tennessee. A Clarksville woman has been charged after coming clean to police and admitted that she lied about being raped. 100%

of the time. Thank you for saying something. I'm glad somebody had the balls to say it. Somebody gotta stand up for these rapists, man. They've been getting crossed in the courtroom. Rapist union leader.

Rapist union. Police said Lynette Lee admitted to a Clarksville detective last week. Police said Lynette Lee admitted to a Clarksville detective last week. Police said Lynette Lee admitted to a Clarksville detective last week. The rape claim she had made earlier in the month was false. She said she had only made the claim because she did not enjoy the date. God damn.

Make sure you take ladies out right. Yeah, by those grounds, Jackie's been raped a hundred times. If I could put them all in jail, get that sweet... You get paid, right? Don't you make some money if you get raped? No, you get paid on late night. I love how you sassily play with your hair

while you sit there. Don't you get raped? Unless you run a holdings company that owns a prison, you don't make any money if someone goes to jail. Well, Leah had told police that after meeting up with a man

she met online at meetme.com she and the man had gone back M-E-A-T Terrific. She and the man had gone back to a hotel together. According to a report, Lee said once at the hotel the man removed her clothes and

despite her protest, had sex with her. The suspect in the case was called in by Clarksville police and told officers he and Lee had been out on a date and engaged in consensual sex. During a second interview with police on November 27th, Lee told the detective she wanted to drop the entire

case because it was a lie. Police said Lee told them she had lied about the incident quote, because she did not enjoy it and it was bad. Dude, that is like the worst bad dick report. Jesus Christ. This guy fucked me

so bad I got the authorities involved. Yeah, I fucked her. How was it? Well, she accused me of rape. Oh my God. I love the redundancy of that sentence, too. I did not enjoy it, and it was bad. You should get a couple days for terrible sex, right? Why not?

Six hours. Poor Holden. He'll be in jail forever. And speaking of which, it is time for a segment from Holden he'll be in jail forever and speaking of which it is time for a segment from Holden McNeely it's time for lightning rounds neither one of those are lightning rounds

yeah that is the sound the cat in the closet makes Micah have you ever fucked a chick so bad that you were worried she was going to accuse you of rape oh I don't want to talk about it alright Micah, have you ever fucked a chick so bad that you were worried she was going to accuse you of rape? Oh, I don't want to talk about it.

All right, it's still a great segment from Old McNeely. All right, cool, so you just have to answer the question as fast as possible. We're going to do four questions per round. At the end of each round of questioning, Marcus is going to say who got the best answer, and we'll move on with the scoring. I know it's kind of complicated, but just try to say the first thing that comes off of the top of your head.

I want to say for the record, I've never raped anybody. I feel like that. You know what? You know what? I have boundaries. And so do everyone that I ever sleep with. I want to throw it in, too.

I've never raped a woman. I have not either. I'm going to go. I was accused once, but it was false. What? You were accused once? Well, get into that story. No!

When were you accused of rape? Well, not really accused. It was one of those things where there was a girl that, it was in high school, and I fingered this girl, and then afterwards she felt bad about it, so she told everyone that I raped her. And then I confronted her one night, I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

You're telling everyone that I raped you. You held her up against the wall, and you were like, you raped her. And then I confronted her one night. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? You're telling everyone that I raped you. You held her up against the wall and you were like, you raped her. And then she apologized to me and then told everyone, I was like, actually, no, he didn't rape me. And then the other time. I meant to say, wait. Mike and I went on record

just saying we've never raped anybody. And then you went on record saying you've been accused of raping anybody. Not twice. Okay, so what was the other time? The other time was that, like, me and a friend of mine gave this girl a ride home from school a couple times. Oh, yeah, a ride home.

Yeah, and she said she told boyfriends later on, multiple boyfriends, this was her sob story to these guys in order to make them also the lights just got on I feel like God is coming after us right now

Jesus is in the room right now and the lights are turning on and off this has just been pure evil for about 25 minutes she told a couple boyfriends and I almost got into a fight twice because of this. She told friends that we took her out

to the country and tag-teamed her. Which is good. That's what you want to do with her. But you didn't do it. No, of course I didn't fucking do it. That's not rape, though, if you tag-team a girl. She said that we forced her. Then it's rape.

And we didn't do that. Yeah. You just gave her a ride home from school. It doesn't matter. I believe her. It wasn't when you don't do it, but someone says you do. Is that rape? Is that rape? No, no, no. In Marcus's brain, it's like,

we did do it, but then she said that we did it and I'm going to be like, we didn't do it, so it wasn't rape. And I think that's totally fine. I didn't do it. It doesn't matter that you say like we did do it But then like she said that we did it I'm gonna just be like we didn't do it So it wasn't rape and I think that's totally fine I didn't do it Marcus I'm really glad you didn't rape anyone Thank you I'm glad that you did probably rape men Yeah

Doesn't count for a woman No it does Oh it does Lightning round Lightning round. Lightning round. All right, guys. Does this mean we're going to get boycotted by feminists? Maybe.

Probably. If we haven't been boycotted by feminists yet, then we're fucking lucky. They're not doing their job properly. They need to be bigger bitches about it. We love all feminists. You hear that, feminists? Fuck y'all. Fuck your movement.

Y'all ain't doing shit. Rapist union leader. These hoes ain't shit. Well, ladies, we love you over here. Everybody knows it. We're all just joking. For the record,

I like women too. I have never raped a feminist. Well, you can't rape them. That's why they're feminists. No, it's steel trap down there like women, too. You've never raped a feminist. Well, you can't rape them. That's why they're feminists. No, it's a steel trap down there. All right. No, they're great people. Women are wonderful.

All right. Let's start the lightning round. Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. The first question we're going to do, we'll start with Kevin. We'll go around the circle. And stop with Josh?

Yes. All right. Stop with Josh. We'll do blow up a country. Kevin. I ran. Ooh, intriguing. Fast. Fast. Fast with Josh. We'll do blow up a country. Kevin. Iran. Ooh, intriguing. Fast.

Fast. Fast. This is not good. What's that? Keep answering. Don't just say intriguing. Ireland. Ireland.

Ireland. All right, my go. Luxembourg. It's small, easy to get the job done. Egypt. Greece, except all the Greece will flow into the Mediterranean. I don't know what that means. Yeah, I'm scoring. You that means. I'm scoring.

You're next. Antarctica. Antarctica. Who are you going with, Marcus? Antarctica, not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country.

Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country.

Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country.

Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country.

Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country.

Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country.

Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country.

Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country.

Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country. Not a country Alright, great. Song that is played at your funeral. Kevin. Michael Jackson's Another Part of Me. Freebird. Niggas in Paris.

That was a hard R. That was a hard R. It's not the Jay-Z song. It's the Charlie Buckets version. It's from 1918. 1918 Germany. The only way I'm getting was Paranormal Get These.

Get these niggers out of Paris. We gotta get these niggers out of Paris. Nick star S in Paris. Fly like an eagle. Fly like an eagle. Henry, it's not the coughing song. What do you got for us? Oh my god, I don't know.

Mary had a little lame. I think that would be a good song for my fucking funeral. Mary, I love you. All right. All right. Henry, hold it. Next one. Let's go.

I like the Mary. I would say Freak on a Leash by Cora. Freak on a Leash. I respect you, but that was the first time ever. I can't believe the first time ever in 125 episodes that beer has shot out of my nose. Henry gets the point. Alright, next question. You have to play poker with a monster. What monster are you going to play poker with?

Fucking Loch Ness, dude. Loch Ness monster. Jason Voorhees. Frankenstein. Want to see him flip out. A wolf. A wolf? We're going to go with the wolf man.

We're going to go with the wolf man. No, jump the wolf man. Creature of Black Lagoon. The Abominable Snowman The Abominable Snowman. Abominable Snowman. What are you going with? I'm going to go with Kevin because that's the biggest challenge because plesiosaurus do not know rules. Exactly, man.

I'm out of here. A wolf. All right. The weapon that is used to kill you. My dick. Done. Lightning dick. Done. Lightning round is over. Poison pill.

I'm going to go poison pill. I'm going to go with a wolf on this one. Jaggy. Nails. Snails. Fingernails. Underwear bomb. Underwear bomb.

Slow loneliness. Slow loneliness. God, Josh, you get that one. Slow loneliness. Jesus, because I think you need it. I'm slowness. All right, the UN is now just you and two cartoon or comic book characters. Kevin.

Roger Rabbit and goddamn motherfucking Goku from Dragon Ball Z. Hell yeah, Ben. The Preacher and I'm going to say Rick from Walking Dead. Gargamel, Yosemite, Sam. Garfield and Bambi. Spider-Man and that sexy little fucking clock

from Beauty and the Beast. Yeah! Get me and him alone. Is his name Gustav? Like two gay twins fucking? Daffy and one of the Rugrats. Are they comic books? Who are we going with?

God, everyone had a shitty choice because none of those people have any kind of diplomatic experience. Jackie, you almost got it because I love Garfield so much. Garfield is great. I love Garfield so much. Can I change my preacher in Marmaduke? No, it's going to have to be Micah on this one. Damn it.

Everybody hates Marmaduke. Sam was a prospector. You are Marmaduke. And Gargamel was the leader of a house. All right, you've got to eat a pussy covered in a condiment. You are Marmaduke. And Gargamel was the leader of a house. All right. You've got to eat a pussy covered in a condiment. Kevin.

Ketchup. Barbecue sauce. Pussy juice. Ranch. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Honey mustard. Honey mustard.

What are we doing? Change my to Frank's Red Hot. Oh, God. Well, you were almost going to win, Ben. Barbecue sauce. Yeah, barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce.

But no, I think that I'm going to go with ketchup. I can't, I can't. I'm a victory over here. Why not just wait until she's on her period? Am I right, Jack? I'm a detective. Bloody fuck.

Bloody, bloody. That's bullshit, Marcus. That's fine. It's a fine job. Marcus is bullshit. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's bullshit. Micah the Bulldog coming out from the corner.

Barbecue sauce is a spirit kind of medication. All right, what movie would you go back in time and star in? Kevin. Oh, Jurassic Park 2, Lost World. Uncle Buck. Oh, I keep thinking Birth of a Nation and I should not. Sorry, Birth of a Nation. You did star in Birth of a Nation, you white asshole.

We all starred in Birth of a Nation. That's our legend! Jackie, what do you got? Do you think the Black... Mohicans! Last Mohicans. I'm fucking the first Chinese movie ever made. Hong Kong Peter and his fucking monkey babies.

Hong Kong Peter? What's the story about? It's about a Chinese monkey trainer. A Chinese monkey. It's a fucking pregnant dog. All right. Now after, I would want to co-star with him in that and just be the only...

and just do horrible things. You'd be the monkey? Yeah, I'd be the monkey. You know what? I've seen all those be the monkey? Yeah, I'd be the monkey. You know what? I've seen all those movies except Monkey Trainer. Henry gets it. I don't understand the logic of that. We've got a goddamn Gubby over here.

I like a better one. It's called Everybody Hugs Preggie Dog. Yeah, that was a good show. I love that show. All right, you've got to do cocaine with one video game character. Kevin, what do you do? I don't know video games. Shit.

Master Chief. Master Chief. Master Chief. E. Honda. Right off that long Tetris piece. Long Tetris piece. No, no, no. Not with... That works.

So I lose. Halo. He did Master Chief. Oh, that's his name? Super Mario Brothers. Pokemon. Pokemon, okay. Princess of Super Mario Brothers.

Get that sweet, sweet, coochie, coochie, little girl. Hold on. That's a sweet little girl. Waluigi. Coming over here. Get that sweet, sweet, coochie, coochie. I need a puppy. I need a puppy. I know it's Waluigi. Waluigi. Coming over here. Yeah, well, I think out of everyone.

E. Honda wins. Huh? E. Honda from Street Fighter 2? I don't know. You can't put words in my mouth. You can't do that. What are you going with? I can't believe I won with E. Honda.

By the way, Kevin and Josh are really getting the shaft during this game. Kevin has to go first, and we all get to think of great things. I still don't have any points! Yeah. Micah. What? What do I have to do? Wait, you know what?

That's a man who has obviously done coke before. What? Alright, let's do one more. Let's do cut off a politician's dick living or dead kevin oh shit uh barack obama because that would be interesting yeah jim dement bob dole sweet sweet stalling man i'll fucking keep it in my cheeks i want to get that winston tiny little churchill i would go with Zachary Taylor, but because he

died real young, so I don't think it would hurt him that bad. You know? I'm just trying to think of something nice. Zachary Taylor was president for like two hours. Yeah, exactly. So it wouldn't be, like, you know, if he were dickless, it wouldn't be as bad, because not as long. That was a funny thing. I remember in college, one of my friends used to do, like, whenever you be like, oh, I'm about to go over to this thing and get there.

I'm like, oh, I'm going to get a sandwich at Subway. He's like, don't do that. That's how Zachary Taylor died. Everything. All right. Is that the last question, Holden? What do you think? Should we do one more?

Because right now we have a tie. Oh, we need a tiebreaker. Let's do one more. What is the tie, Marcus? The tiebreaker, the tie, of course, is between Micah and Henry. Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot. Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot. Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot.

Double hoot. What do they have? Three and three. All right, we're doing one more. You have to double team a chick with a famous musician. Kevin, who do you choose? Oh, shit, motherfucking Yoko Kono. She's the girl who wrote the shit for Cowboy Bebop.

What do you do? Chris Christopherson. I want to look into his eyes as I cum on a woman's ass. Louis Armstrong. Prince. Prince. Henry. I love that.

I love that Lenny Kravitz. Oh, no. You would tell me more. Fred Durst. Fred Durst. Oh, wow. Dirty. I'd be intimidated. I'm just saying that if I was with Lenny Kravitz, I have Fred Durst. Fred Durst? Oh, dirty. I'd be intimidated.

I'm just saying that if I was with Lenny Kravitz, is that while we're fucking, I could call him Lenny Kramitz. You know, out of that... Does that help his situation whatsoever? Out of that round, I gotta give it to Ben. Yes, thank you so much. I'll take the overall victory. That's been the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Maggie Zebrowski, Henry Zebrowski. You just took their victory? Yeah, I'm gonna take it. I'll take the overall victory. That's been the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Maggie Zabrowski, Henry Zabrowski.

You just took their victory? Yeah, I'm going to take it. I just want to win one. I took your worst and I took your worst. You've won one before. You know what? The show is over. Ben Kissel won the fucking night. Thank you so much for being here, Josh. Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett,

Micah Sherman. I think the real winner tonight is the good time we had. Yay! Yay! Neely, Kevin Barnett, Micah Sherman. I think the real winner tonight is the good time we had. Alright, Marcus, we'll talk to you guys later. My wife's a goose! That's a rude thing to say about your goose wife. Hark! Hark!