The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 13: Date Night

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

The man above had a date with himself in a hot tub, the Chilean miners have mistresses and wives clashing above them, Iraqi celebrities have a date with Camp Buca, and you, dear listener, have a date with this, the 13th episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's start this wonderful podcast off with a little Lord's Prayer. All right, everyone bow your heads with prayer. Thank you, Lord. So strong. I think someone farted. I feel for you. Thank you for the... I was just struck with a feeling, Lord.

He's get it. He's getting it. I feel you lord. No! Fuck! Jesus. Sometimes you have to fit. No! Fuck! Jesus. Apparently your lord is Gigi Allen.

Welcome to Lord of the Rings. That's what that made me think of for some reason. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. I can't carry the ring, Ben, and I also cannot carry you. Samwise. It's too bad. Mark, you're coming. Get out of here. Who is all these people?

Hey, what's the name of the show, first of all? Round Table of Gentlemen. Yeah! All right. What a good show. Man, man, man. We are starting hot. I had, like, two huge Red Bulls right before this show, so I'm shaking like a leaf on a tree.

Thank God. Good, man. Good. I'm drinking a Four Loko, so that means it's going to get Four Loko crazy. Well, what is your name exactly? Jack Geyser, how's it going? I'm Ed Larson. I'm a whole lot of McNeely fucking beats to the year 2012.

All right. I'm Kevin. I'm Kevin Barnett, man, just dude. I'm your host, Ben Kissel, and in the Chuckle Hut, we have a very special one. We've got Sharon. Hello, Sharon. How are you? I'm great.

How are you guys? We've got Julia Johns. We've got Madeline Osten. And we've got Jason Coulter from the one and only Rube Italia. Uh-oh. Where's your partner? Is he being a bitch? That would be John Pack being a bitch, having sex with a hot chick with huge tits.

Sorry, motherfucker. How are you going to have a fine-ass girlfriend, you gay motherfucker? I just want to say that first and foremost. Fuck you, man. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy? All right. Good start.

Got to let that settle in a little bit. An Iraqi reality television program broadcast during Ramadan has been planning fake bombs in celebrities' cars, having an Iraqi army checkpoint find them, and terrifying the celebrities into thinking that they're headed for a maximum security prison. Who's an Iraqi celebrity? There's a TV host.

There's a TV host. There's a guy that hosts a show. Nice. They got TV over there now? I don't think they didn't have electricity, although they all lived in caves. Now, the show is called Put Them in Camp Bucca. Oh!

That's adorable. What is Camp Bucca? Camp Bucca is a maximum security prison that was built by American forces. That's the weird thing. It was closed in 2009. Oh, okay. Time to start making jokes about putting people in it.

I think so. I think it just went with a catchy name on that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Camp Bucca sounds great. Yeah, it really does. Here's some of the things that they actually said to the celebrities while they were actually being in the show. Number one, you're not a real celebrity.

Yeah. That was number one. Why do you want to blow us up? You are a terrorist. How much do they pay you to do it? You will be executed. That's hilarious television. And then they stand there, they're frozen to death,

and they think they're never going to see their family or their children or their parents again, that they're going to die. They're just like, you just got legonged. Yeah, it's pretty much candy camera, but with terrorism. That's great. I love it. We should do that over here, man. Imagine Taylor Swift with a fake bomb in her hands.

We should do it. We should put little naked eight-year-old boys in people's trunks. Well, it is like, I don't know. Catch a pedophile joke week. What's with the young flaccid boy in your trunk? I don't know. I don't know. Well, you're going to jail.

Drew Carey. That would be funny if Drew Carey had that happening. It's not mine, I swear. It's my only friend. Friend. It's not mine, I swear. It's my only friend. They just totally skipped so many phases of reality TV shows.

They immediately went to, like, you know, Humans Fighting Lions. Yeah, that's some next level shit, man. That's why we're going to lose this war. We already lost it. They're thinking outside that shit They're thinking of that fucking new shit Coulter, Jason Coulter and the Chuckle Up What do you think about this reality show? Would you like to host such a thing?

Would I like to? Are you offering me a position? I don't have the power to offer you Would you like to do a show You're going to be pranking and punking people who were going to pretend they're terrorists and were going to pretend that they're going to go and die in five years in Camp Bucca. Well, I mean,

I personally would love to host, but at the same time, I feel like if I was actually a fan of any of these Iraqi celebrities, I would also have some guilt with it if I owned, like, if there was an Iraqi celebrity where I had their entire body of work in my DVD collection

or whatever they're using to watch movies over there. What if it was like, I mean, I don't know. A-Trance. The initial. If I listen to Iraqi celebrity music on my Victrola or whatever TV they're up to. But the initial guy was a TV host. So it does sound kind of funny. Like, imagine Tom Bergeron, you know, dancing with the stars fame.

If he got busted for being a terrorist, I would love to see his face because he's such a squeaky clean little fucking asshole. Yeah. I mean, you know, he has child porn on his computer and everything. But just to watch like a squeaky clean TV personality be accused of terrorism would be fantastic television. This is how they trap them into it. All of them were ensnared by being invited to the headquarters of the private television station Al

Baghdadia to be interviewed but on route to the station a fake bomb would be planted in their car while they were being searched by Iraqi soldiers who were in on the deceptions. Nice. Yeah. Don't they have real people to stop that have real bombs? Yeah, but you know what?

You've got to break up the day somehow. Yeah, you've got to. You've got to have some moments of levity whenever you're doing that shit. It's more than one way to skin a puppy, you know? Throwing her into the river like that one woman did. Oh, my God. This fucking girl in, I think it's in central Bosnia. Did you all see her?

Bosnia. Did you guys watch the video of the woman throwing five puppies into the river while her boyfriend filmed it? In Bosnia? So it was lunchtime on a Tuesday. Yeah. She was just feeding her children who she threw in there previously. No, it wasn't a woman.

It was like a 14-year-old girl in a red hoodie just with the biggest smile on her face in the world reaching into a bucket full of puppies and just throwing them into the river. Oh, wow. Throwing them in. Did you watch this tape? Play the video. Play the video if no full of puppies and just throw them into the river. Oh, wow. Throw them in. Play the video. Play the video if no one's seen it. If I play the video, it might freeze up the computer. Okay, don't play the video.

It's pretty self-explanatory. I guess it was just raining dogs that day. Oh, my God. Damn, man. Yes! Yes! Girls throwing puppies in the rivers. I've said it a million times. Dress like Little Red Riding Hood.

I've said it a million times. All I've got to say about that is these hoes today, man. That's what I'm saying. I have to agree with you right now. You don't know anything about hoes today. Well, look what I'm learning. Look what I'm seeing right now. Y'all are out of control.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just wait because you're a puppy about to get thrown into a river. That's Madeline Elston. We've got three hoes these days back in Choco Hut. Three hoes. What do y'all think about that? Let's go one by one. Sharon's starting with you.

Come on up. These hoes today, would you ever consider throwing puppies into a river? I wouldn't. If I had a bucket full of puppies, I would just love them and caress them. That's what you do

with a bucket full of puppies. What if one was retarded? Kill it! Kill it! It's Madeline Austin. She knows what's going on. Madeline Austin. That's what you do

to a retarded puppy. Y'all are some ruthless ass hoes, man. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, man. That's the thing. It's a street fight now. It's a gladiator match trying to talk to a retarded puppy. Y'all are some ruthless ass hoes, man. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, man. That's the thing. It's a street fight now. It's a gladiator match.

Trying to talk to a woman these days. You think I'm the only one who's crazy? Look at these fucking broads over here. You're the worst. Then again, it just comes back to these hoes today. Ties have changed, man. From what? Little Red Riding Hood is throwing five puppies into the lake. That's entirely different.

What was she doing before? Looking for bread? Looking for her grandmother? I guess she found her grandmother. Her grandmother had her surplus of puppies, and her grandmother, the entire reason she wanted her to come over was to throw her fucking puppies into the river. We got Shay's lady busting him in the head with a fucking deodorant can.

I mean, this shit's fucking insane, dude. What do you even do about that, you know? All right, I got a story about these hoes today. A woman who is in an on-again, off-again relationship with this dude. Mostly off-again. Mostly off-again. She showed up at his house, crazy as fuck, knocking on the door. He sneaks out the back door, locks both doors, and she figures, how am I going to get in?

I got it. Chimney. That's how crazy this chick is. Crazy enough he had to lock his doors like it was the film santa slay like bill goldberg was trying to bust through not giving gifts of joy but gifts of knives by the way how many hells in a cell would you give that film five hells in a cell without question unbelievable film what a great flick yeah she was dead uh for three days before they found him and she wasn't her what a psychopath. She was a doctor. She got all the shit done. She got it done right.

What do you mean? She died in a chimney. She was a psychotic doctor. She tried. Hey Madeline, if you were in love with a man, the man no longer wanted to see you, he shut the door, scattered out the back door, would you not climb in through the chimney

to just, I don't know, sit on his couch and wait for him? I don't even know the point. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I would wait, and then he came back and then I would kill him. Oh, perfect. There you go. I imagine that was the plan. If I can't have him, no one can. That's right. There you go. That's right. Very smart. There's a very strange

quote from the guy whose house it belonged to. He said, she made an unbelievable error in judgment and nobody understands why and unfortunately she's passed away. She had her issues. She had her demons. But I never lost my respect for her. What a gentleman!

That's insanely too nice. I think he's just happy she's dead. Absolutely. I just would have been like, bitch was crazy in all caps. Like, that was pretty much. I'm sure the dude who runs the morgue is very happy because he's like, I don't even get to burn this body. This bitch is already toast.

Yeah. This is fantastic. Very easy. I don't know. She died of asphyxiation. So yeah, she was just died of asphyxiation there. He didn't light the fire at any point? He didn't light the fire.

He was here crackling? No, no, no, no. She was found three days later after a woman house-sitting noticed an odd odor coming from the fireplace. How would she die of asphyxiation? I don't understand. You're not that big a space as chimneys. Another question. Anybody ever fucked in a chimney?

Oh, yeah. I'm the only one. You did? I tried to. Oh, yeah, yeah. Snakes do it. Geese do it, too. And this was, of course, all in Los Angeles.

Yeah, it makes sense. I mean, Kevin, can you think of an equivalent story of a crazy-ass lady that you might have encountered in your life that much in love with you? The only thing I can think of is this one woman who was in an abusive relationship, and then she fell in love with me, and she just camped out of my house for two hours. And then she saw me coming home with a very large Hawaiian woman. And she freaked the fuck out, but thankfully the Hawaiian woman was morbidly obese and destroyed her. She like beat the fucking shit out of her? Just screamed at her.

You had two girls fight over you in your driveway? That's awesome. It was like watching Yoko Zuna fight Lex Luger. There was about 700 pounds of meat running around and I was very proud of it. I'm so glad that happened, man. Yeah. What a good day for the books

for Ben Kissel. It was fantastic. I can't believe this is the first time I'm hearing about this. I know, man. What the fuck? I filled her belly button

with three ounces of cum, which is kind of fun. Kind of a fun story there the way it ends with the three ounces of cum. It's a big belly button. Get it? She was all scratched up.

I get it. I fucking get it. It's like a third of a beaker full. Yes, cum. It's a big belly button, get it? I get it. I fucking get it. It's like a third of a beaker full. Yes, yes. I got a story about mistresses and wives clashing in the Chilean minors, the disaster and all that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, apparently both wives and mistresses

are showing up for the vigils, and it's causing some ugly scenes. Uh-oh. Yeah. One man, no shit. They're both just going to agree to leave him down there. That's what Super said. One minor has a first wife he never divorced,

a live-in partner, a mother of a child he had several years ago, and a woman who says she is his current girlfriend. Well, apparently these Chilean dudes be fucking. They out there fucking all the time, apparently. That's what I know about them right now, from that story. Real good at fucking, real bad at mining.

Sounds like Sean Kemp is down there. They don't know how to manage their bitches, man. If you have that many bitches, you got to use different names. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, the thing is, the people who are caught in the middle of all this, the people who are trying to do the moderating, it's the Red Cross. Oh, all right. Well, they can handle it.

Why can't they get these people out of there? They can send a message. They can send video cameras down there. Why don't they just... I mean, they're not going to get out until Christmas, right? Yeah. Why can't they drill this hole faster? Well, actually, that'd be a great reality show

where you put down the pictures of both women and the minors have to choose which one. That's right, and the loser stays down there. Sounds like a poll in Cosmopolitan magazine. You know, which one's hotter? I just don't understand. How poor is Chile if the minors are getting multiple

bitches? That's unbelievable. You would think a minor would have... No, the minors have the best jobs. Are you fucking kidding me, man? You never see them. They're always underground. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Those are. Are you fucking kidding me, man? You never see them. They're always underground. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, those are some sweet dick motherfuckers, man.

Well, the reason why so many fights are starting is because these women are fighting over compensation packages. But the wife gets it. Yeah, the wife gets it. I thought the company went out of business, though. So these dudes are just down there not making any money whatsoever. I don't know about that. apparently maybe it's like red cross compensation packages but that's it says ugly scenes haven't sued as women clash over compensation i know that they denied these guys uh cigarettes and uh in wine they wanted wine and cigarettes and they told them they couldn't do it so they sent them down patches uh like tobacco patches and uh they

just that's not bad why couldn't they give them that? Well, they wanted the air to be clean, and then they didn't want to be all fucking wasted. There's a bunch of weird stuff going on there. They send them food, but they won't send them too much because some of them are kind of fat, and they want them to slim down. They have to be 33 inches around, so my penis couldn't even get through.

You're kind of starving. Okay, better. Coulter has a question. Jason Coulter. Have these still not told them how long they're being down there? Because I read that they didn't tell them. I think they just told them. They didn't tell them right away. Now they know? Wow.

To be down there for when they broke that news. The whole time they're probably saying it's going to be a couple hours, a couple hours. And then he finally said, well, it's going to be a couple hours, a couple hours. And then he finally said, well, it's going to be several months, actually. I'm telling you. It happens out. They've got me done.

That's what they've got me done. The minors who have all those chicks fighting over them probably just want to stay down there for years. That would be a terrible thing to surface to. I'm telling you, man, one of them is going to go mad, man. I hope so. One of the fly style. Yeah, exactly. He's going to be playing the conch shell. Can't wait for it.

It's gonna be like that M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Devil. Except the elevator, it's a Chilean mine. Hey, that sounds fantastic. One of them's a demon. Who's it gonna be? I say it's the mine. How do you think they work out beating off down there?

And ships in front of each other. There are a lot of fellas who discovered their homosexuality down there, that is for sure. Mi ojos tu pinga. It means my eyes are dick. I saw that, a great flick. Miguel just rolls up with one eye

and he's like, don't ask me why I have one eye. Me gusta jugar conmigo. It means I like to play with myself. I'd imagine that phrase was said a lot over the last few weeks. Now say it like a redneck Texan. Me gusta jugar conmigo. And I got a masturbation story as well.

Of course. Of course we do. Good segue. Good segue. Good segue. You're really getting good at this, Marcus. Thank you very much. Well, you know, I've been practicing. I was at a gaper earlier today.

Very hot. Yeah, she said, make my asshole as wide as my mouth. So that was kind of fun. That's the thing I'm into. You're disgusted Jackie That's not possible It is possible It's very possible

She had three hands grabbing it open like they were going to get snickers out of it Bad Halloween candy bag Trick or treat So you guys know all about the tea party and all that This tea party senate candidate From Delaware Opposes masturbation What's her name? about the Tea Party and all that. This Tea Party Senate candidate from Delaware opposes masturbation. What's her name? What the fuck? She lives in Delaware

and she's against masturbation? And she's pretty hot, too. What a dumb bitch. Her name is Christine O'Donnell. She says that the Bible says that masturbation is a, quote, lusting in your heart and is the same as committing adultery. That's ridiculous.

That's ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She likes to get fucked wrong. This is our translator for Southern folk. Madeline, how long would you go without masturbating during a week? If you had to, like, what's the ultimate maximum? If I had to?

Stop being lazy and get close to the mic. If I had to? If you have to, like. Like, well, what do you mean if I had to? If you believe that jacking off is lustful and then you're going to go to hell for doing it, how long could you last before you're like, I guess I'm just going to go to hell? Well, I guess, like three.

Three hours? Hours. Hours. Three, four minutes. Hours. Hours. Can, four minutes. Hours. Hours. Can you imagine being married to this terrible, terrible wench woman? Oh, God.

It's like American Beauty when he was caught jacking off in the bed and the netbending was like, what are you doing? He's like, this is the only pleasure I get all day.

Yeah. Please let me do this. It's the only thing. No, I bet she just loves it. I love she, I bet she loves it, you know, for her man to be all pent up for days and then rip her to pieces.

You think she's a Bukkake kind of gal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, didn't you rip open a woman's vagina before? Like, you understand being pent up. Well, yeah, I mean, I wasn't pent up. I mean, she was obviously a little, she was a bit of a rabbit hole down there, a little tight. Oh, gotcha. But, yeah, of course, you got to rip it open sometimes.

Yeah, totally. No, you don't, though. No, you shouldn't. No, but you can. You have to. Well, you have to. You have to. I mean, I'm just, you know.

Who's going to vote? I'd do it. Is this a wedge issue in Delaware? I don't think it is. Is this something that she's running on? This is like a campaign promise that she's not going to jank in an office? She's just going to focus on the issues and taxes. That's the thing.

It says nothing about her platform at all. I want to meet the constituent who's like, I voted Democrat my entire life, but she's against janking it. I'm against janking it. I got to vote for this Christy bitch. Yeah, got to. Hitting the hard, strong issues. Rock hard. Yeah.

In 2007, she was on Fox News having a debate with former Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders. And the Surgeon General said, we have a sexually unhealthy society. And O'Donnell just snapped right back at her. That's wonderful. It's called modesty. Modesty in your own bedroom when you're all alone? He's gay. She.

Oh, she's gay. Either way, she's with someone. He's got something weird to do with the Delaware water gap. I don't know what it is, but I know something's involved in here. I just think she's never had a vibrator before is really what it is. I think she just doesn't know how to get herself off, so she thinks no one should get themselves off. Or she just got herself off so much and became so addicted to getting herself off,

she's officially on the other end and she's just like no more you can't do it like an alcoholic or it's like one of those things where it's like she may happen she goes oh yeah no I haven't rubbed it dry just yet Julie have you ever have you ever felt that way? Where you're just like, I'm going to give up masturbation. I no longer want to do it anymore because I'm officially sick of masturbating to Kevin Barnett. No. You're just still rubbing on that little prong.

I think she does call it her little prong, though, like in District 9. Yeah, exactly. She shoves cat food up inside of her, just hopes for it to get off. Stop, stop telling everybody my secrets! It's her little alien baby. That's why Julie was so upset about the chick who threw the five puppies

off the ridge. She's like, that could have been eating my pussy. They should have just sent him over to me. Man, they never stop licking if there's cat food inside of you Cat food or peanut butter? I had a dog lick marshmallows off my balls once It was fantastic

Actually, I covered that Awfully enough That was in fact on the episode Entitled Kissel's Inside Thoughts Oh, okay That's a beautiful thing, man It was an outside activity, but kind of an inside thought.

I gotta tell you guys about my absolute favorite story of the week. This guy named Mark Eskelson, homeless guy, broke into a house, spent 10 hours in the hot tub, and then called 911

and asked for a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it. Was he rolling? No. Was he on Molly? He was just comfortable. Lonely. He was just insanely. Crazy homeless.

Yeah, just you get nuts, man. I think that's the best 911 call of all time. That's what the police should be there for. Protect and serve and cuddle. Yeah, and he also told the 911 operators that he was the county sheriff. He very well may have been. I'm sure the county sheriff calls all the time for Ms. Hot Tub. Just like, how's it going?

Eddie, take a look at this mug shot right here. Oh, man, that's great. What a dumb smirk this guy's got on his face. His eyes are bugging out of his head. Oh, man, he looks like he just saw a hot dog he really wanted to eat. Well, at least he was having a good time. I mean, how many homeless people can you look at and be like, they're having a good time.

I wish I was doing what they're doing right now. That's how they enjoy life, man. If I had to choose between someone breaking into my house and dying in my chimney, or someone breaking into my house and just chilling in my fucking hot tub'd totally take that dude at the end of the day you still got a hot tub you got a hot tub in fact you got a dude hanging out in your hot tub you could be a lonely ass dude living in your house all of a sudden you got a dude hanging out in your hot tub oh yeah free friends hot tub's coming friends you know families never use their hot tubs it's the biggest

waste of money of all time at least somebody somebody's finally enjoying it. You want some burgers or something, man? Like some chicken? I got that. My parents got a hot tub, but then I have a younger brother who is slightly on the slower side of fast and he just kept on peeing in it so it could no longer go in it. Oh, well you just burn that with the chemicals.

Well, but you still remember it. You don't piss in the pool every time you get in it? I shit in the pool. Why do you do that? You shouldn't do that one. Chemicals clean it. Oh, okay. Chemicals get rid of it.

Chemicals can't clean retarded people's piss is what I've learned. That's what you just told me. You need the bubonic plague spread. I knew this broad that thought if she fucked in a pool, she didn't have to use a condom because the chemicals were going to kill the sperm. So many kids think that, man. Why would you ever think that? Because they don't have

sex education. Now, man, you're going to get pregnant no matter what. You want it, you're going to get it. That's the only women that get pregnant want it. Little Jackie wants a baby. And Jackie doesn't want it, so she can go unprotected at any time.

If you do... If you come in a hot tub, though, your sperm must survive longer than it would if you didn't come in a hot tub, right? Because it's about the right temperature of a human body. So they're just probably swimming all around. They're probably trying to, like, fuck the water vents, all those sorts of things.

You know, it's probably... It's a lot cooler than a... Because human bodies temperature at 98.6 degrees. If you're in a 98.6 degree hot tub, you're scal you can only be in like 10-15 minutes yeah what's that meddling you can only be in 10-15 minutes a hot tub yes i passed out after i got out of a hot tub just because i hadn't drinking anything but beer all day hit the ground like a sack of potatoes i mean if you look at if you look at what those people are saying there's almost the beer all day. Hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. Oh, wow. That's a gigantic sack of potatoes. I mean, if you look at what those

people are saying, there's almost some science behind it. But they don't know that. The pH level of fucking water, especially with chlorine in it, is a lot higher than what you would find inside of your ordinary vagina. Your normal one.

Yeah, and so the science is there, but no, that shit vagina. Your ordinary vagina. Yeah, and so the science is there, but no, that's it, because it's gonna, the water will help carry it into where it needs to go. Nice, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like floating down a river. You know, you fall off a whitewater raft, and you put your legs up and your arms up,

and you just try to get to the bottom of the river. You know, that's all those sperms are doing. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. I don't know if I've ever done that before. Have you ever done that? No. I don't know. It's called fun.

Hey, Jackie, why are you sitting on that rock vibrating for eight hours? We've got to move down the river. Everything's fine here. Everything's fine. Leave me alone! The love of God. There's no more suds

In the river now Sudsy How do I cum soap? Is that what you're saying? Oh no Just whatever the female ejaculate Might be like The way it flows

Through the water You've never seen it before Madeline what's that? You have zero idea? I've never once Tasted a woman's Fresh vagina Oh man I'll tell you what I've never once tasted a woman's fresh vagina.

Oh, man, I'll tell you what. I've never seen it either. That's because I just close my eyes when it happens because it's a gross sight. It's like organ-y, you know? It's like organ-ish. It's like an exoplasm. What do you guys think women ejaculate is? Punt!

It's punt! Exactly. No, darling. Fucking chocolate syrup and strawberries. It's kind of like, it's kind of, It's Pud! Exactly. Pud, darling. Fucking chocolate syrup and strawberries. It's kind of like, it's kind of, it's kind of goosey.

Like, it's kind of got a goose-ishness to it. Like, you know. It's like duck liver, you know? Yeah, yeah. One time I saw it and it was just on,

it was a full Yolk Plate yogurt cup. A Yolk Plate yogurt cup came out and it was beautiful. But it had a nice fact on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is kind of fun.

Madeline, what do you think about your female ejaculate? I know what I think about my female ejaculate. You know what I think about male ejaculate? Gross! It's like kindergarten paste. Yeah. Hey, everyone loves to be young. Dumb and boring.

Not dumb and boring. It helps things stick together, like relationships and stuff. That's a thing. At least ours is a food you should eat. You kids are fucking retarded. Yeah, I know, but you guys are the ones that eat it. You did it. Actually, no, that's not completely true.

I know Ben's tasted his own cum. It was spicy. No, I will say, after I... That was the wing competition, right? Oh, so spicy. Really fantastic. I've never once been with a Mexican woman, but I... That was the wing competition, right? Oh, so spicy. Really fantastic. I've never once been with a Mexican woman, but I know what it feels like.

I would say the thing about it is, though, ever since I figured out I could jizz, I saved thousands of dollars on Elmer's glue. Always just, yeah, fuck poster putty. I can just fucking cram my Kurt Cobain poster up with the little spunk that I made while listening to... Ben makes collages on a daily basis. It's great.

They're beautiful, by the way. Yeah, I've never seen anything like it. I mean, it's incredible. I made a nice one for Blossom, which is kind of fun if you remember that show. The old early 90s theme? What's that, Coulter? Coulter, what's that?

Are they all early 90s theme? Do you have a Sonic Youth one? Mostly. Mostly, Mostly. Yeah. So, ladies and gentlemen, are you all ready for Pedophile Corner? Yeah! No, no, no.

Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Squirt. Squirt. I'm an Easter boy. I'm an Easter boy. Is that a hand? Is that a foot? This is a Pedophile Corner.

This is the death of a pedophile meeting place. Oh. the death of a pedophile meeting place Oh The death of a pedophile meeting place That's boring Craigslist has removed its adult services section What? No Oh man

Well yeah but Can't you just put No more meeting squirts? Come on man I was gonna use that shit From when shit got sad for me I'm sorry but if you've ever been On casual encounters before,

it doesn't fucking matter whether they got rid of adult services or not. That is a fucking pedophile corner all in his fucking self. It really is. Are you 12 and you want to clean naked for me? I'll watch you and touch. Man, there was some real pain and sadness in those eyes there, Jackie. Yeah, Jackie's never got a response yet. She's still looking.

No, but I mean, they can... I believe in you. Can't they just put it under, like, free couch? It's like, that's not going to end any sort of pedophile issues or any sort of... If people want to get with whoever online, they want to meet them, they have no problem doing it. Yep, yep. Right now, they've just got the word censored right there, where adult used to be. Oh, okay.

And then when you click on censored, nothing is there. There's no link. There's no link. I will say, I mean, if you're going to be a pedophile or a person trying to fuck online, you're going to get caught immediately these days because they're scouting out that website. I went on keenmovies.com. It's a porno site. Immediately had to get off because it was nothing but child porn.

Jesus. You just had to run for your life? Yeah, it was disgusting. I was like, I cannot be on this website. I cannot be on this website. Immediately had to click out. But then you kind of went back for a second. I went back, you know, just to see if they aged.

Because I thought they looked good. They didn't look good. You went back, but it was on your computer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, it's on Mara's computer. It's on Mauro's computer. Baby, don't use your history. Or answer the door if anyone knocks.

There's like four men in sunglasses. Don't answer. You're not home. You don't know me either. And this is what's amazing. They only did this for the United States sites. Every other country in the world that has Craigslist. They're fine with it.

They're fine with it. It's legal elsewhere. Yeah, exactly. They don't have any laws against child pornography. They're fine with it. It's legal elsewhere. Yeah, exactly. They don't have any laws against child pornography. They're fine with it. Especially not in Greece. Yeah. Greece.

Holden, you got something for us? Oh, yeah. The segment for the night. Roundtable of Love, the dating game show. Uh-oh. Jackie gets to choose between her suitors, Ben Kissel, Kevin Barnett, and Ed Larson. I make $19,000 a year. I'm not bragging, but I make it.

Why aren't you and Marcus a part of this online? Because Marcus is the producer and the news guy, and I'm the guy who fucking hosts the segment. Just pick between us, Jackie. All right, we start off with our first contestant. He is a tall, red-headed man that smells like toast all the time. He does stand-up comedy in underground, shitty places. Ben

Kissel. Oh, I shouldn't say his name, though. It's a mystery. Yeah, I wouldn't have guessed by your description at all. Ben, one night on the beach with Jackie. What do you do? I'm gonna lay down a blanket, Jackie. I'm gonna sit on that blanket. I'm gonna make you sit on the beach with Jackie, what do you do? I'm going to lay down a blanket, Jackie.

I'm going to sit on that blanket. I'm going to make you sit on the sand. I'm going to drink some wine, make you look real pretty. Eat myself some White Castle sliders, look at you while I do it real slow-like. Maybe, maybe not. You have a swimsuit underneath your fat, fat clothing. Go take a dip for me. Let me see how you swim.

If you swim good enough, I might just kiss your fucking tit. Yes! That's nice. I thought that was nice. Very nice. Very nice. Very nice. I thought that was nice.

No, I might do it. I'm sorry. Before we move on, which breast? The left or the right? The right. All right. All right. All right, Kevin. You got motherfucking two free tickets to Disney World.

Two free tickets to Disney World. Jackie, one evening. How does it go down? All right, so we got two free tickets to Disney World, baby. I'll be out there. All right, you be out there with me, all right? He's going to bring you. That's nice. you that's nice

because if we got these two free tickets we got a mandatory date you will be out there because you're the only person i could take you know legally according to what we set up before so we'd be out there and like i see some you know the ice cream spots they got that is real nice i'd be like hey hey what's up yo hey hey girl hey get me some ice cream for me because shit is real sad for me right now i don't got any money i would just have you buy us some ice cream and you know we'd be chilling but it would be tight though because we'd be eating the ice cream we We'd look at each other's eyes and shit. We'd be like, oh, god damn, it's a nice day. Some breezes blowing and shit.

We'd be feeling real sexy about that ice cream and what we're doing. I don't know if that's true. No, listen, it's going to be true. It will be true because that's the life we're going to be living at that point. We got those two free tickets, right? I'm going to take you on Thunder Mountain or Lightning or whatever it's called. I'm going to ride that and it's going to be vibrating

and you'll enjoy that and probably orgasm from that, but not from me because I'm bad at sex. Wow. You know how to spend? Alright, contestant number three. I feel pretty good right now. I might win this trick. I might get this trick. Contestant number three. I feel pretty good right now. I might win this trick. I might get this trick.

Contestant number three. You're in a post-apocalyptic realm. A post-apocalyptic realm. It is burnt and hellish. What do you do with Jackie? We're going to take turns eating each other, girl. That's all we're going to do. We're going to find one way to survive.

I'll tell you that. One day I send you out for food. You're down three toes at this point. I'm down six. I'm very, very hungry all the time. Absolutely, absolutely. Sam's just not doing it anymore. I tell you, baby, baby, you got to dig.

You got to get us some worms. You got to get us some worms. You got to get us some cockroaches. You dig and you dig and you dig. You don't come up with shit. And then, you know, I leave you there, and I cover you up in the hole. Well, that's nice. What's the second round? This was the round.

Now, Jackie, you've heard your contestants. Oh, jeez. I feel like I have a chance. Oh, actually, no. There is a final. This is a red light. Lightning round. Lightning round.

Three words to convince Jackie to go home with you tonight. All right, you have three words. We're going to go around starting with contestant number one. Unconfident. Fat. Cock. starting with contestant number one. Unconfident, fat cock. I don't know, I think Kissel just won. I'm fairly sure Kissel just won.

Right up her alley. Contestant number three, three words. Alright, fuck it. Broke. Broke. Broke, but StarCraft. Broke, but StarCraft. B-U-T-T. Contestant number three.

Chocolate-covered rats. Who's gonna win, Jackie? Alright, Jackie, come on, give us your spiel. What did you think of the contestants, and who do you choose? I was nicest to you by the way One of your three words black Well, it's like if we're supposed to make the audience Presupposed that we all went into beats.

Look, I ain't trying to win and then all y'all be like, oh, it's because he's black. I don't want that. I don't want to be fair. A little positive racism. I'm going to tell him what I'm going to feel if you lose, though. All right, Jackie, tell us. Well, during that whole thing, I was like, I had like this lighter under my clit, man. She's grabbing herself, by the way.

And I was like smoking it like it was fucking cracking from yesterday. And now it's gone. So I don't think that I'll be able to fuck any of you. So that's out of the question. That takes a lot of pressure off of me. I mean, you're bad at fucking.

I guess I'm going to have to choose Ed because he has the most to eat. He took you to hell! I took her to hell. I gave her freedom. He gave you that. Let's just swim in the ocean. I choose Ed. I choose Ed.

Ladies and gentlemen, this has to fucking end the roundtable of gentlemen. Thank you so much for Sharon, Julia, Madeline, Jason. Thank you guys so much for being in the roundtable. Chug all hot. This concludes the roundtable of gentlemen. Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Marcus Parks on the news.

I'm your host, Ben Kissel. Have a good day, good commute, good night, whatever the fuck you're doing. Woo!