The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 150: Nibbins the Painted Cat

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: mystery poo-poo falls from the sky in Canada, a man with a magic flute and a van full of birds is arrested after attacking some cops, and a cat is painted over by a roadside crew in Colorado. Joining us today: Nick Vatterott, Amber Nelson, and our good friend Madeline!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Hey everyone, I will pray to Beelzebub. He is reading off a phone. gentlemen. Always civility. Hey, everyone. I will pray to Beelzebub. He's reading off a phone. I'm not. No, I was reading about something different. Hallelujah!

Amen! Dear Beelzebub, I want to thank whoever decided, whoever you created that decided to become a fashion designer. Praise God! And whoever decided to make the short shorts on the gals, on the short shorts that the gals are wearing this summer, quite remarkable, full of butt,

and it's been great. So thank you, Beelzebub, for creating that person who created those shorts that allow me to look at all these sweet, sweet, luscious butts. Mmm, butt. And thank you for alleviating that stress that women always had when it came to the sweaty buttocks cheeks. Because I'll tell you, they're full of life, full of air, and they look pristine.

You just keep staring at Amber during that whole thing. Yeah, I was thinking about her butt. That was the thing about it. I was thinking about Amber Nelson's butt. I got a nice one. Fantastic. Fantastic. Show it off.

All right. Welcome to the... Amen, Beelzebub. Welcome to the round table, gentlemen. What, you don't like the prayer, Marcus? What? You don't like the prayer? The person like you.

Oh, it's me as a person. You didn't enjoy the prayer, though. The prayer's fine. It was just fine for you? It was fine. What do you give it out of five stars? Out of five stars? No, out of 60 stars.

Out of 60? Yeah. Give me 52 stars. What animal No, out of 60 stars. Out of 60? Yeah. Give me 52 stars. What animal? 52 out of 60 is fine. Alright, you get 52. Thank you, Mark. What? That is arbitrary. It's because it's our 150th

episode, I'm going to give him 52. Yeah! Let's start it over then. I'll redo the prayer. Alright, welcome to the... You figured by 150 episodes, you'd be decent at it. Who cares? Alright, welcome to the... You figured by 150 episodes you'd be decent at it by now. Who cares? Alright, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski. We got... Who is that gal

now? Her name is Amber and it's Nelson. Amber Nelson! Hey, everybody. Hi, hi, hi, hi! Ed Larson eating it up. Yum, yum, yum. Picky goes the oinky. Hold him in the alley and I don't give a shit. Yeah. Isn't that what you said last week? Maybe. Did I? I think you did. Well, now then, fine. Hold him in the alley and I don't give a shit. Yeah. Isn't that what you said last week? Maybe.

Did I? I think you did. Well, now then, fine. Hold him in the alley and I give a shit. There you go. I care about things again. Good. Pollution and whatnot.

Oh, shit. Yeah, it's all right. Kevin Barnett, no catchphrases, just swag. Swag. Swag. Swag. Isn't that a catchphrase? I think swag is one of the bigger catchphrases out there right now.

Listen, fuck you and what you talk about. I'm living my life. I got a lot of friends. Swag, swag, swag, swag. Swag, swag, swag, swag. You just got to get rich enough where you can pay a person to whisper swag behind you as you walk down the street. Walk through the mall, buy an expensive shit.

And then our chuckle hut's full of amazing talents as well. We got Madeline hosted in here. Thank you, Madeline. Hello. How to do-day. How are you doing? Good? All right.

And then we've got Nick Vattera. Thanks for being here, Nick. More cowbell. Thank you, Nick. Did you make that up? Yeah, it's my new catchphrase. You should put that in a t-shirt. With us as always, we have our newsman, Marcus Parks.

Marcus, what's our first news story of the day? Officials on the western slope of Colorado were trying to explain how a dead cat was painted over by road crews. That'll happen. That just happens every now and again. Hey, get in there and pick up this cat. Isn't that how they

made Pepe Le Pew every episode? Didn't they always drive over a cat with a pen? And he was mistaken for a lover the whole episode. I think there's a Looney Tune episode happening there. A viewer called KJCT TV in Grand Junction after seeing a white stripe

painted over the body of the dead cat on H Road. Mesa County officials said the painting crew of two workers in a vehicle traveling 8 miles per hour didn't see the cat. However, officials said if the crew had seen the cat, gotten out, and removed it, the crew would have been put at risk.

So you're supposed to draw over the cat. You're supposed to go right over the cat. I feel like you could just nudge it with your foot. Kick it. Yeah, just a little kick would do it. Kick it to the side and then send Bobo to pick it the cat. You're supposed to go right over the cat. I feel like you can just nudge it with your foot. Kick it. Yeah, just a little kick would do it. Kick it to the side and then send Bobo

to pick it up later. Yeah, of course. You gotta clean your shoes. I don't like it. I think they saw the cat. They just make minimum wage and don't give a shit about getting out

of their truck and risking their lives to move this maggot infested cat. And they're high on paint fumes. Yeah. They probably just want

to make the cat look nice, man. You can't just leave a dead cat out there, man. You got to decorate it. I think it's beautiful. It's highway art. It's very, very nice. I think so, too. I've seen a picture of a dead cat being painted over in Roadkill.

It's fantastic. Have you? Yeah, let me find it. This happens a lot. Yeah. Oh, it's a regular occurrence. I mean, so you have a cat getting painted over. I feel like it's not so sad so you have a cat getting painted over. I feel like it's not so sad

when you hear a cat get painted over. If a dog gets painted over, disrespectful of the corpse. That's what I would say. A cow, you can't paint over a cow. The cat is the easiest animal to possibly paint over. Well, it's a raccoon but not a cat. Oh, it looks great! It looks great, yeah. You can barely tell. You have to leave it there the entire time for sure.

You can never pick that cat up again. There's another one of them just skipping the roadkill. That one's worse. And this right here, this is the actual picture of the cat. The cat in question, we're

going to post it on the Roundtable Facebook page, but here's the cat in question being painted over by road crews in Colorado. That cat is in horrible shape. It's not doing well. It really looks like a bad toupee. And if you'll look at the time over in the bottom right corner, there's a time stamp on it, 5.08 p.m. This is the 5 o'clock news in Colorado.

This wasn't the lead story, but this was the second or third story. It's a big story for Colorado. There's no traffic either during rush hour there. Has any family come and claimed the cat that was painted over? Nobody has come and claimed the cat. Just a stray cat. It's just a stray cat that got the fuck run over it in Colorado. No one loves you, cat.

Here's the thing. Now, this cat will be remembered. Forever. Never. Before, no one knew who this cat was. Other cats didn't even know this cat. We should give him a name. What's the name, Holden?

Nibbins. Nibbins? The cat that gets paint over. Exactly. N't even know this cat. We should give them a name. What's the name, Holden? Nibbins. Nibbins, the cat that gets paint over. Exactly. Nibbins, the painted cat. That's pretty great. I'll paint a fucking cat. Yeah, what do you want to paint the cat to look like? Miles Davis. Fine, absolutely.

We'll get a little tiny saxophone. We'll hook it up. Are you going to put a cat in blackface? No, absolutely not It'll be a black cat, it'll already be black That cat was gray Sure, sure Is that racist, Kevin?

Is that racist? I was actually asking myself the same question I don't know I don't know It really is a shade of gray area Can you comes, can you put animals in blackface? It's very strange, man. There's a lot of questions there. There is.

Is that racist for the cat? If a cat learned to talk and the first word this cat learned was nigger, would that be racist? Or you would just be like, wow, that cat can talk. That's an amazing cat. Turns out the first cat that could ever speak was insanely racist. But what if that was a black cat? Would it be racist? Then it'd be friendly.

It's just cool. Cat on cat time. I don't know. How come white cats can use it? Black cats can. That's the thing, though. It's like a cat, no matter the hair color they're probably white underneath

they're pink but there might be some that got that black skin so you might have to run around shaving cats to see if they're bullshitting yeah they were doing that in Australia

we were talking about it on the show yeah I used to tell that story I was walking down the street and this is not a no joke two white girls were walking and she was like

oh this big black dog attacked whatever the name of her dog was and she's like I was and then she's like I was so scared and then the girl's like, this big black dog attacked whatever the name of her dog was. And she's like, I was so scared. And the girl's like, well, you would have been scared if it was a white dog, too. Like, literally racialized the fucking hair of the dogs. And I was like, that's bizarre.

That's, like, very interesting. So who has to come and clean up this cat? Bobo, the street boy. Bobo the street boy. Bobo the street boy, yeah. He doesn't have an ass. That's his big thing. Bobo the ass the street boy. Bobo, the street boy. Bobo, the street boy, yeah. He doesn't have an ass. That's his big thing. Bobo, the assless street boy?

Yeah, Bobo, the assless street boy. I've known guys who've worked for the state in Texas, worked for the highway department, and they're separate guys for cleaning up the roadkill. Yeah, their name is Mike Gracie. Why don't they send them out before the paint crew? Because government is not run well in this country, Ben. Alright. Let's not get political with it. I'm sure whoever's going out that day goes out.

And if the retard cat boy mixes a cat, you know, no one's surprised. Bobo the butler's boy is now retarded? Yeah, his name's Bobo. Oh, okay. I mean, Bobo... That's right, Bobo. Go get it. Bobo's not his right, Bobo. Go get it. I've got it.

Bobo's not his real name. His real name's Richard. Bobo is just the name you give to retarded guys. Yeah, so I think he knows how to say. Oh, okay. Yeah, it makes all the sense in the world. Yeah. I love it. Let's go on.

We have another animal story as well, although this one's a little bit more traumatic and dramatic. Very much so. It's time for Bear News. Bear News! Put a hat on him, make him run to unison. Hey, just learned how to smoke a cigar. A man was mauled by a beer near the Eklutna Lake campground on Saturday after he threw

barbecued meat at the animal. Oh, what a fucking idiot. Yeah, the Alaska State Troopers said on Sunday, he'd been drinking. Right. Who, the bear? Oh, yeah. Nicky B.

Nicky B. Rocking the mic. Sometime around 5 p.m. on Saturday, the alleged suspect, who, by the way, is being charged with illegally feeding wildlife. Oh, he lived? How did he get in trouble in this situation? What do you mean?

He was feeding the bears. So the bear wouldn't eat him, but then the bear ate him instead. I think that's why the bear ate him is because he was tossing barbecue at it. You're not supposed to throw meat at bears. It just makes them very hungry. I feel like the guy had nature's law.

You know, the guy got mauled by the bear. Yeah, he was killed by his own kindness. I agree like the guy had nature's law. The guy got mauled by the bear. It was killed by its own kindness, I agree. Totally. Well, the man was at a picnic around 5pm on Saturday. He broke off from the picnic and decided to go for a bike ride, bringing some food from the barbecue along.

He came across a black bear somewhere between a campground fee station and an ice cream stand near the park. The man threw a piece of meat at the bear, which ate it. Then he offered another piece. The Alaska State Trooper spokesman said, that's when it kind of went ballistic. Hey, bear, you want a piece of meat, bear?

Sure. Outride him on your bicycle. I just want to see through the bear's eyes as that guy just turns into a huge roasted ham. Yes, I would like some more meat. It's just so funny that he took the meat with him on the bicycle ride. You've never done that? No. It's a drunken...

Have you ever done it sober? It's a drunk move. Yeah. It's definitely a drunk move. You're at a barbecue, you're at a campground, whatever. You figure, I'm going to go for a walk. You're going to take some food with you. You never know how long you're going to be out there.

You could be lost for days. Right, right. Of course. It's time for his 5 p.m. meat ride. The bear attacked the man, puncturing skin along his jaw and leaving him with scratches on his back. Park rangers later found the bloodied man washing himself off at the campground. And the spokesman for the Department of Fish and Game, Ken Marsh, said,

he wasn't terribly coherent. He was unsure of where the attack actually happened. The man was taken to an Anchorage hospital where he was treated and released. I mean, he's no Russian. You know, this is the difference. This is why we're losing the war in America. The last bear story he had involved in Russia. He did, but the Russian guy choked out and murdered a bear with his left hand.

Are you serious? That's serious. His left hand? I think you were here for that story, weren't you, Kevin? I don't know. Someone might have been replacing you there. Maybe. But yeah, there was a guy that was attacked by a bear in Siberia.

He choked out the bear with one hand and then walked 20 miles to the nearest hospital. And then he was fine. And sewed himself up. Yeah. Along the way. He fought Apollo Creed. Mr. T. Took down Bond.

It was amazing. I love, I don't know. I'm just, it's so fun. Do you guys remember, I can't, I can't, I know it's so punny, but just do you remember those old, because it's barbecue, you know those old mullet barbecue sauce commercials? You got a mullet. I don't know about the mullet. No.

Where are you from? I'm from the Midwest, and mullet was like a big barbecue sauce. I didn't even know that. So they got to play that mullet song. Yeah, Martin's trying to find the mullet song. You got a mullet. Ooh, get that bear. You got a mullet song while the kids get in. Yeah, Martin, just try to find the mullet song. You got a mullet. Ooh, get that bear. You got a mullet.

Oh, no more jaw. I mean, that'll happen. That will occur when you confront a black bear. Just lose that jaw. Yeah, I found it. Let's hear it. All right, well, I'm going to have to stop the recording very quickly so everyone can hear it.

It definitely might not be worth it. We can't do both. Oh, it's worth it hear it. All right. Well, I'm going to have to stop the recording very quickly so everyone can hear it. Okay. It definitely might not be worth it. We can't do both. Oh, it's worth it, Nick. All right. It's worth it. A fire's a fire. A grill's a grill. What makes that meat a culinary thrill is what you do when you barbecue.

You gotta ball it. Pour that sauce on. Come on and ball it. Sizzle that flavor in. And when you ball it. Watch them all go and maul it. Sizzle that flavor in. And when you maul it. Watch them all go wild. Maul it. Next time, don't just baste your barbecue. Do the one

thing that's sure to make it a great barbecue. Maul it. Alright, so yes, we did just, as you just heard, we just listened to the maul it barbecue song. Amazing. That is phenomenal. And have you had this maulet barbecue sauce, Nick? Is it very tasty?

It tastes like every other barbecue sauce. Sure. So it's an average barbecue sauce. That's so funny. When was the last time you heard that song? Where did that bring you back to? Oh, Kansas City, man. St. Louis.

I think they used to play it in there all the time. Yeah. How old were you when that song was super popular, hitting the airwaves, everyone loved their mullet barbecue sauce? Summer of 89! The old wooden dial radio, right? Like sitting around with the grandpa, the vaterot, just like hanging out on a Sunday night. God, grandpa vaterot.

I don't know why, but that sounds creepy as fuck. That sounds like a whiskey. Gotta buy a little grandpa vaterot. It'll make your rot! It'll make your insides rot. It's a little smoky. It makes you want to shoot your wife. What was your grandfather?

You want to shoot it. Oh, yeah. I love that mullet song. What was your grandfather like, Nick? It's a great song, right? Do you come from a long series of artists? I come from a long series of humans. A long lineage.

It goes way back. Yeah, I don't... I don't know. What was the question? I have no idea. long lineage it goes way back yeah I don't I don't know what was the question don't forget your grandfather if you remember him yeah I don't my grandpa I don't know I don't remember any distinguishing

gunshots or wood interactions I feel like I want him to be like a grizzly guy who killed bears with his hands or something like that. He was Russian. He was in Siberia last year. Took down that bear. That's great. Well, he's a real hero.

Yeah, my grandparents pretended to be secret agents so they didn't have to spend time with me. They were totally wrong, Holden. They really missed out on some really interesting stuff. I found him. They really missed out on some really interesting stuff. I found them. We fucking hung out. We held it for hours. Talking and talking.

God, they must have just been so upset. Like, is he always going to be like this? What are you going to say? I was back when I thought I was a bird. We held it for hours. Well, speaking of birds and mentally handicapped individuals, our next story, Marcus, what's that one all about? An Arkansas man with a toy

gun got into a real altercation Wednesday with police outside of a Walmart and cops later found his van held a veritable menagerie of various birds. The bizarre unfolding of events began shortly after 8 a.m. when police in Springdale, Arkansas received a call

reporting a suspicious vehicle. The caller stated that her uncle, identified as Rainbow Kilo Rasfumi, often came to her home and bothered her. According to the Springdale Police Department, she also noted that she believed Rasfumi to be mentally ill. When police located the vehicle and signaled it to pull over, the suspect stopped at a Walmart parking lot and got out of the van, but refused to cooperate

with police. After attempting to hit officers with a plastic flute, police tasered Ras... He was talking to the birds. After attempting to hit officers with a plastic flute, police tasered Ras Fumi, who was not disabled by the stun gun. Rasfumi then pulled out what police now know was a plastic gun and pointed it in the direction of officers, who then fired seven real shots at him.

All right, so just a quick... He hit an officer with a plastic flute. They tasered him. Then he brought out a fake gun, and they shot at him seven times. A bit of an overreaction, right? They missed every time. And by the way, this was in a Walmart parking lot at 8 a.m. 8 a.m.?

He's crazy before I've done anything. Gotta get up and be crazy. If you're an officer, you get hit by the plastic flute, the next step, like the rational weapon, would be beat the shit out of him. With a baton, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They tasered and then fake gun

and then used real guns. No more batons, man. No more batons. They all have like tasers and shit now. They still got a flashlight. Yeah, I guess, but I'm just saying.

That's what you're supposed to hit them with. A flashlight? Yeah, the flashlight that the officers use. Oh no, that flashlight Check him off! Check him off!

Oh! He's like a pesetated You're coming all the way to jail. Hostage interrogator is just in the city bank

bank robber. Get me a flashlight immediately. This man's rock hard. That's the thing. It's just like we just...

All right, sir, would you please just go and masturbate and then think this through. Right now,

you're in a different state. He's driving around in a van filled with birds. So the birds are just flying around the van. He's like, ah, get out of here! It's like Zoe Lips. Back into my back. Constant chaos. We've got a suspect. He's loaded

with jism right now. He's loaded with jism. Repeat. Loaded. Loaded. With jism. Extreme caution. He's riding around the van just like, I'm finally as crazy as I wanted to be. Yeah! It's like pig pen but instead of dirt, it's birds. You know, I'm thinking about getting a cat for my van. What do you birds think?

Well, let me convince you with my plastic flute. How do you think I got these birds? The flute brought him. He drives around with a net with his windows open. I'm collecting all the birds. This is amazing. I love my name is Rainbow. He's probably proud of himself, too.

He probably sees people in a nice van like, stupid-ass van. Don't got no birds in it. DVD player with a television screen making your kids happy. Kids love birds. He's always sick. DVD player with a television screen making your kids happy. Kids love birds. Covenant shit. He's always sick. Yeah. His constant screams.

Oh, yeah. The mountain dog. I mean, the bird shit that must be in that man's van. Specify the kind of birds. Yes, absolutely. Do you guys want to guess what kind of birds were in his van? Pigeons.

Flamingos. All peacocks. Sparrows. Three parakeets. Three chickens. They're oddly friends. And two ducks. So he found all these birds.

I think the net philosophy might be true. After they fired the seven shots at him, I think the net philosophy might be true. Yeah, I think that he really... Yeah, exactly. After they fired the seven shots at him, they didn't hit him whatsoever. Did they hit anybody with these seven shots? How don't you hit a man with seven shots? I'm sure they were in the parking lot of a Walmart. They definitely hit cars.

Right. They had to have. They did kill a child. Definitely. Thankfully, no ducks were harmed. After they fired the bullets at him, he locked himself in his van. that's when a SWAT team and negotiators were called to the scene and after pleading with Rasfumi for 45 minutes he left

his vehicle and was arrested and taken into custody why didn't he drive the van away that would have been a good idea that would have definitely because he's fucking crazy he hit cops with a plastic flute yeah and then got into his bird van. Exactly, man. He thought the birds were going to hold him down. He didn't want to endanger the birds. I think the cops are just lucky he didn't unleash the fucking duck army. That he has in the back of his van.

Load him up with some artillery. Those things working on your behalf. You ever been chased by a bird, Ben? Oh, birds terrify me. They're mean. Chickens mean. They got them claws on the back. They'll hit you.

I used to have to chase them and cut their wings so they wouldn't fly in the kitchen. And they would claw the fuck out of me. Hit shit on me, and I loved it. Wait, what? I mean, so, Amber, tell me, how is your family going to bail Rainbow out of jail? Because it's obvious you're related to her. We just go to the county jail and give them three cats

and a wish. You know after he threw his flute at the cop, he's like, oh, fuck, my flute! I'm never going to get it back! I can't warp anymore! What were the negotiations

with the hostage? One of the guys is like, all right, I got a bird on the inside. He's the Bruce Willis of birds. It's a duck dressed like a cop. You think it might be Steve McQuackers, but we're not really sure. It ain't me.

I'm totally on your side, guys. This guy seems like the living version of Link from Zelda. Like if he was alive today, I think this is exactly what he'd be doing, rolling around with a bunch of ducks. Polluting, collecting chickens. Yeah, exactly. Just trying to achieve missions.

He just seems like he's trying to get some bizarre reward for the rescue of a woman he loves or something. Seven times didn't get him. Seven times didn't get him at all. He was hiding behind the car or something. I don't know. And that's the thing. He was tased.

And then he scuttled away. And the cops didn't chase him. They just let him fucking crab walk away. I don't think they wanted to actually hit him. Or touch him. Yeah, it was probably covered in shit. Oh, he was scared of cops. Yeah. I mean, his name wanted to actually hit him. Touch him, yeah. He was probably covered in shit. He was scared of cops. His name is Rainbow Kilo

Rasfumi. I love the kilo part in there. That's his middle name. Is that a legal name or did he rename it? Legal name. He changed his name to Rainbow Rasfumi. Nick, what do you think? Who has more bird shit on him? A gargoyle in Wall Street or this guy driving

his van full of these goddamn birds? I think this guy should get a job as a gargoyle in Wall Street or this guy driving his van full of these goddamn birds? I think this guy should get a job as a gargoyle in Wall Street. Just kind of sit up there on a ledge and just kind of watch over everybody. And he'll definitely keep the birds away. Yeah. Well, apparently they really like him. All right. Well, I suppose we can go on to another story.

Nobody knows for sure yet if what fell from the sky and splattered all over a Mississauga family's backyard is really human waste. End of story. I'm going to get molder on this one. This is definitely a Next Files type situation. Oh, no, that's definitely poo-poo. Yeah. As he's licking it.

No, no, I've tasted a lot of poo-poo in my life. That's it. That's about the flavor. Ilma Gilphalon-Guianocos was sitting under her covered patio while her children played in an outdoor fort at about 5 p.m. Wednesday when she heard a loud splash. She said, I had no idea what it was. I thought maybe a rainstorm, but it only lasted a second or two. no idea what it was. I thought maybe a rainstorm, but it only lasted a

second or two. When Gilifan Gianokos looked up, she saw brown specks covering her pool tarp as well as part of her concrete patio and garden. Small, hard pellets were floating in the pool where it was uncovered. She said, shuddering, I stuck a finger in the water

and I smelled it. It was poop. Bum, bum, bum! Why did she just smell the water? Why did she have to put her finger in it? That's what I don't understand. If it smells like poop, it looks like poop. You don't have to touch it. It's just poop. I put my head in the water and I opened

my mouth and it was poo-poo. The family lives about 20 kilometers from Pearson Airport. Airplanes can be seen flying overhead at all hours of the day. Transport Canada is investigating, but it's not determined the source of the material or whether it is, in fact, airplane lavatory waste, also known as blue ice. So is that a real thing?

Do they really dump it in the air? Blue ice is a real thing. They don't just dump the feces. Maybe there was a leak, though, or something. Here's what happens. It's Dave Matthews poop. Yeah, exactly. Airplanes with washrooms have a sewage-holding tank

designed to be emptied at special facilities airports. It's possible for a valve to malfunction and for some of the tank's contents to leak. If this happens, the liquid seeping from valves freezes and adheres to the outside of the aircraft when the aircraft is flying at high altitudes. As the aircraft starts its descent... So it's sort of like a dingleberry for an airplane?

It's an airplane dingleberry. Okay. As the aircraft starts its descent and the atmosphere gets warmer, the ice will start to melt and pieces will detach themselves from the aircraft. If the substance is found to be blue ice, Transport Canada will try themselves from the aircraft. If the substance is found to be blue ice, Transport Canada will try to identify the air carrier responsible

and take enforcement action if they don't fix the problem. But Gilifan Gianokos will likely be left with a bill for more than $5,000 after draining her pool, replacing the liner, and pressure washing her patio. A bunch of shit drops in your backyard and you're going to pay for it? Her insurance company has said it will not pay. She's gotta get pool insurance! Yeah, you gotta get pool insurance. Come on!

Hurricane insurance, flood insurance, poop insurance. I feel like you don't have to empty the pool just because random shit flew into it. There was a bunch of shit in it, Ed. It's chlorine! You scoop it out, you put a bunch of chlorine in it. You're not gonna swim in shit water, man. What's wrong with you?

That's what a pool is for. It's got a filter. It's a lot of tiny pellets. Oh, come on. You guys are prudes. First of all, I don't think it was airplane poo-poo because that's called blue. So if it's brown, then it wasn't them. It was some guy just sticking his ass out.

Maybe it's alien shit. The blue ice is just what forms on the outside of the airplane and then turns into brown poo. All I gotta say is if I could have a nickel

for how many times me and my buddies tossed a bag of poo poo into somebody's pool I'd have fucking 30 bucks. It does kind of sound like a catapult situation.

Yeah, yeah. Put poo poo in the pool. You want to upset your neighbor? Put poo poo in the pool. Absolutely. Airplane poo, all that Cinnabon poo-poo,

Auntie Anne's poo-poo. It's a different poo. It's the type of people that'll shit on an airplane. Exactly. If you're shitting on an airplane, you're struggling with your dick. You're like coming down from heroin or something. I've only done it once and it was a thoroughly

unpleasant experience. I try to do it every single time I'm on an airplane. Really? Absolutely. Well, you pretty much mark your territory everywhere. Every time you come to my place, you have a good decent... Spray it all over the place. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's such a cute name. What is it? Blue Ice? Blue Ice, yeah. I think it was Alien Doo-Doo. I think the fact that it wasn't blue means there's signs of extraterrestrial life that's taking shits on our universe. Yeah, where do they get rid of their poo?

They gotta dump it out. They eat it. They eat poo. You know, Blue Ice was definitely one of the names that, like, Beyonce and Jay-Z debated calling Blue Ivy. And then they Googled it. They're like, so what is it? Oh, it's frozen shit on the side of a plane. I remember when I went to football camp back in the day, the first day of camp, some kid shit in the

pool. That poor fucking kid. We just terrorized him. But did you swim in the pool afterwards, Ed? Yeah, they took the shit out of the pool. I feel like you're real comfortable with bodies of water covered in shit. I'm comfortable with fucking bleach. It's chlorine. It kills the bacteria. But you saw

the turd, and you can't erase it from your mind. How many children shit in public pools that you've been in? So many. I don't go to public pools. They don't let you. I don't know. Exactly. I've shat in far too many.

Do you want to know something about the ocean that might upset you? What's that? A lot of the salt in salt water comes from blue whales' piss. What? No. Who cares? That's lots of piss, man. Wait.

Salt from the salt water comes from blue whales? Yeah, and the ocean. No, wait, we debunked this last week on this very show. I thought it did come from that. No, you listened to Yahoo Answers, which is not correct. Do you know that a small child could swim through the valves of the heart of a blue whale? Wow. Yeah.

I went to the blue whale exhibit and they had a big heart that little kids could crawl into. And I was waiting outside for all the kids to leave so I could crawl in there. Masturbate in it. Punch it. Oh, that's amazing, though. It's incredible to think a child is just

a blood clot for a whale. If you're a kid, if you go to the whale doctor and they fucking open up your arteries, there's a 10-year-old in here. Playing around. Diggling around. They're called cephologists. I feel like that's one of the most scientific

facts you've ever said on the program, and I'm really proud of you, and I think it was wonderful. Thank you. I learned things. You can learn a lot from Yahoo, answered him. So you could crawl in a whale's heart and take a shit. You could. I don't think I could. I could probably get my leg in there.

Yeah. Yeah. Piss down my leg. Dangle your asshole. I mean, what's the worst thing to be hit by? Would you rather a bunch of blood, a bunch of human organs, a bunch of toes? A bucket of cum. A bucket of cum?

That's worse than human shit? I want a good bucket of cum, yeah. That might be it. That's probably it. So if a bucket of cum falls into your pool, you've got a bunch of bleach in that pool, some good chlorine. Are you emptying out that water already? I need to get some chlorine.

Okay. All right. Well, at least you're consistent. That's white ice. You don't want that. You're fine. Is there anything that could fall into your pool that would make you drain the pool? I mean, I guess if someone died in it, you drain it.

Yeah, your mother. If your mother went swimming and then she fucking drowned. We got a fence up. She doesn't get in. And they rarely throw her barbecue. And whenever they do, they wear chain mails so she doesn't rip off their goddamn throats. That's good, Marcus. Let's get to another story, unless anybody has anything else on poo-poo pool gate.

No, just the piss of a blue whale makes it salty. Well, that's not true. Not true. Police in Westerville, Ohio, say a 37-year-old mother operating a daycare out of her home hit upon a plan. She allegedly crushed medications that cause drowsiness and put them in pancakes to make the children go to sleep. Nice.

How'd she get caught? She got caught because she told a friend of hers in a text message that that's what she was doing. The friend reported her to CPS, Child Protective Services. Of course. That is your secret. It's a great idea. And I'm sure it's very effective.

That is just your pancake recipe. And it's just like for the family. You don't give it out. You don't write it down. You don't even write it down. One of these kids is like, all right, pancakes for dinner again. Pancakes every day. Every single day.

Three o'clock, it's pancake o'clock. Kids are all just stressed out about the stock market and don't know why when they wake up. Investigators believe... Don't pancakes in general just make you go to sleep? I've been on many bills. That's why it makes perfect sense. She chose the perfect food for that.

It's a good concealer. Investigators believe she used medications such as the allergy medicine Benadryl and supplements like melatonin to get the children to go to sleep. Oh, that's not even that bad. She would say something to the effect of, quote,

I just gave them their nappy time medicine. That's great. And none of the children suffered any illness or injury related to the alleged drugging incident. She wasn't using lewds. Everything's great. And none of the children suffered any illness or injury related to the alleged drugging incident. She wasn't using lewds. Everything was fine. So what do you think, Madeline? The number one thing that this woman did wrong was brag into her friend, right?

Yeah, most definitely. No, she was right. Put those kids to fucking sleep. I agree. Put them to sleep. Go to bed. You used to be a nanny, right? Oh, I hate children. If I had known that, I would have done that to the children. I would have done that to the children i would have put them to bed they would have pancakes every night i would made money for free well they always used to give the kids whiskey right yeah they were like whiskey on their bottle or

yeah just rub it on their gums is that still gonna be a thing do you think you'll do that i mean i pour it in their eyes yeah yeah of course it's good to watch them scream Then they get drunk and pass out Yeah, yeah, you get into a fight with them first They take a couple swings at you Then they pass out Ed, why'd you put vodka in the baby's tampon? She was teething

She needed something to suck on Yeah, that's the thing, Eddie. I never want to go to your house when you have kids because I'm going to have a lot of complaints about your fatherhood abilities. I mean, I won't be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Yeah. I just want to see Henry's fucking horrifying mansion.

Kevin Barnett is leaving, everybody. He's out, brother. We love you, Kevin. Goodbye, Kevin. We love you, Kevin. I love you, though. For those that didn't hear, Kevin said he loved me very much. And he thinks I'm so funny. By the way, we're in a big room right now.

We're in a huge room right now. If it sounds a little different at home, let's give a big thanks to Rebecca Trent. Yeah. The creek in the Creek in the Cave. She has opened up this beautiful back room area. We're no longer sweating. I mean, I'm still sweating. Well, you're sweating always.

It's covered in sweat, but that's, yeah. We've got a full keg of PBR over in the corner at all times. A full keg of PBR. So I might be slurring a little bit more than usual. That's fine. A little too excited, but hey. We're celebrating. Yes, we are.

So yes, it's a new space and if it sounds any different, that would be why. But I'll tell you one thing. The show ain't changed. Just how drunk we're going to be. Fuck you! Don't get mean-holding. No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to do that. Oh, you're drinking less now. Somebody just threw barbecue at me. Oh, that's fine. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know what? This is not our only daycare story of the day. Oh, thank God. So we're judging this woman here for putting the kids down with her sweet ambience and things.

But this next woman, she's a tyrant. Before we get to that, though, you do have to know that this daycare of the first story was called Caterpillar Clubhouse. The Caterpillar Clubhouse. Oh, they're in their little sleepy cocoons. Exactly. I'm going to name my daycare Holden's Big Bone. Yeah, yeah. You come in, there'll be bones everywhere.

You don't know where they came from. We'll sit around and we'll look at the bones and we'll figure out where the bones, what animal or man. I would love that. I want to invest in this business. Absolutely. Holden, you ever swam in bones? Yes. Oh. Yeah. You ever swam in Bones? Yes. Oh, God.

How many kids have you had at this Holden's Bones Clubhouse? Oh, we take a whole five. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. You have to find strange mothers, you know, with skin curtains in their houses and stuff like that. There's actually a daycare next door to my apartment, and once a month they turn the daycare into a nightclub.

What? They hire a DJ. They bring them in. They party until like 4 or 5 in the morning. It's insane. It is insane, yes. And the DJ, it's one of those talking DJs. Like, hey, everybody, this is about 2 o'clock in the morning.

Now we're going to listen to some Tupac. The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round. I'm so fucked up right now. Oh, man. I hope another waitress comes around with those fucking sweet ass pancakes, man. Hey, motherfucker. It's time to learn your ABCs. You know, they've never gotten past the bees, which is really interesting.

You know, it's funny, Amber, that you should mention cocoons, which you mentioned about five minutes ago, because two workers at an Ottawa daycare were fired after masking tape was reportedly used to confine children to their cots during nap time. It's fine. Yeah, but were they being fucking bitches? They were being bitches. An investigator into the daycare at Bayview Public School determined that when the children would not settle down, one of the workers taped them down. According to Deborah Cooper, president of the

Board of Ottawa School Day Nursery Incorporated, that non-profit group runs the daycare and 12 others throughout the nation's capital. Cooper said there were three or four children of an unknown age involved who were not injured by the taping. I mean, you know those kids fucking sucked. Yeah, that's the thing.

What do you think, Nick? You got the taping, you got the Ambien. Who are you sending your kids to daycare? Oh! I guess taping. I think taping. You know, I think the chemical. I don't know

you would rather if you were I mean honestly if you're a parent you have two daycare choices in your town one has pancakes full of Ambien

and drugs that make your kid go to sleep they wake up you know well adjusted not even Ambien Benadryl

healthy stuff for children sure and then the other one is just duct taping them to radiators and you know making them feel like felons who have a bunch of birds

in their car do you have to pay for the tape no you don't have to pay for the tape? No, you don't have to pay for any of the drugs. It's tape-free. It's tape-free. And so are the pancakes. If you want one of the pancakes, you can also have one of the pancakes.

Am I paying for the Benadryl? You're not paying for the Benadryl. A little pro bono Benadryl there. And you have allergies. You're allergic to grass. To me... So I could use the Benadryl. But also, I'm moving. You're allergic to grass. To me, to me. So I could use the Benadryl.

Exactly. But also, I'm moving. I could use the tape. Well, there you go. You got to go to Chicago. Yeah. I think, now I'm choosing between chemically abusing or physically abusing my children. They weren't harmed by the tape.

None of the kids were harmed by the tape. None of the kids were harmed by the tape. None of the kids were harmed by the Benadryl. Well, one could argue that there were some physical side effects from drugging them. Much more harmed by the tape than by the Benadryl. But anyway, this is your decision. Because you know what? Because I think the pancakes is the coward way out. You tape my kids down, and then they've got a fighting chance. They can escape. They can save everybody. You take my kids down and then they've got a fighting chance. They can escape.

They can save everybody. You drug them, they've got no chance, man. They're asleep. They're out. They can't Bruce Willis their way out of there. I agree. And Amber, now obviously you would nick her together, so you will probably be the bearer of his children. How do you feel about him? How do you feel about him saying these

things about your child? I mean, is this going to be a dispute between parents? Oh, I don't know. I'll be the bearer of his abortions. We didn't mention the needle that's going to go through the heart of your children in utero, but assume that Amber doesn't have a mental breakdown when she realizes that she's not attracted to you.

I love that. I love a family photo of just all the abortions. All the ultrasounds, but with a woody background. It would be like a smile and ear to ear. Or you could do it like

Sir Lucky Letter. Merry Christmas from the relatives you could have had. Oh my God. And this is the cat with the paint over it in the corner.

I'll tell you what though. The family cat is the cat on the highway and all the kids are abortions. And you guys are just posing next to a Christmas tree with two presents

underneath it and be like saving money saving money I tell you what though I would have rather been taped down as a kid because when I was

acting up as a kid my older brothers would throw me into a lake and I didn't know how to swim oh my there was a lake

that ready there was a lake like available in the back and they would pick me up in the back of my like shirt like a dog like on your mane yeah yeah throw available in the back. They would pick me up in the back of my shirt like a dog. Like on your mane.

Throw me in the lake and just walk into the house. It was getting dark usually. I didn't know how to swim. But you learned how to swim. That's how I learned how to swim. I'm being a bitch. That's a good brothers. They're terrible brothers.

They're awful human beings. It's also how Jason Voorhees was born. But that's okay. I'm happy that you survived, though, and I'm happy you were smart enough to learn how to swim and paddle your way out of there and get to the sand and get to that beach. Thank you. And thankfully that water wasn't full of poo-poo because that would have gotten stuck in your lungs and you can die from that. How would your

brothers punish you? My brother used to just pin me down, just beat the fuck out of me, and then overall they were just so weird and physically abusive, emotionally abusive, and that was it. That sounds like all of the abuses. It was every abuse.

My father would come home and oh, I was always so happy to see him because he was always so thrilled that I was fat and yelling at people. And then my mother was stupid. No, nonetheless, my family life was terrible. We've talked about it before. Yeah.

Thank you for the question, Holden. You're very welcome. How are you supposed to control kids? I mean, the kids are... Hug therapy. No, you're not supposed to do hug therapy. Yeah? No, no.

What is that? It makes a bunch of liberals. Yeah. I play smell the dookie in the bag. Oh, you want to be mean? I guess you're going to be smelling some dookies

for the next couple of hours. Definitely. I think that's how the Third Reich began. Yeah, exactly. You have to guess what animal the dookie came from.

Sometimes it's daddies, but they always guess daddies because I use that one the most. Yeah, because your wife isn't going to be pooping in the bed because she's dead. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah, and show mommy's head to the baby. It's always fun to show mommy's head to the baby.

Well, that's okay. Daddy, can I see mommy's head tonight if you're good? I'll show you her innards. If you don't talk through old reruns of Third Rock from the Sun. Good old dung butter mommy. Oh, Lord. I can't sleep without mommy's entrails.

It's something to cuddle with anyway. Y'all want to go to Russia? Sure. Somebody has to. A Russian former Olympic wrestler was found dead After being strangled with a whip And buried in Siberian forest

Wow He owed somebody money right He didn't take the fall It's much more sinister than that The sportsman turd trainer Chechen Ulmungush Was apparently murdered by a rural herdsman Who choked him to death with the lash of his whip

and then buried the body in a forest in Taiva, a largely Buddhist region of southern Siberia. They found a body buried in Siberia? Yeah. How did they find it? I mean, I thought Buddhists weren't supposed to, like, look for cool shit. Like, I thought they weren't supposed to have any possessions.

Well, within themselves, look for cool shit, yes. But, yes, outside of themselves. Yeah. Wait, why did it kill him? Doesn't say. Doesn't give any kind of motive. Just the investigative committee said it has opened a murder probe into the gruesome crime

after the suspect, a 23-year-old herdsman, told the police where he had buried the body. The statement gave no possible motive. I'll tell you this. A murder probe sounds like an amazing sex toy. You know? Like, that's really... I mean, Madeline, you're a gal.

You're in a sex shop. You're perusing around the fake breasts and large dongs and things like that. Fake breasts? Okay, yeah. Yeah, sure, they're around. You find something called the murder probe. I mean, you're immediately purchasing that and jamming it inside of yourself. Where do you put it?

For me to use on you. Yeah, sure. Okay. Okay. It's more of a weapon than a sexual thing. It's a spear. It's a spear type thing.

It's a spear and you dig it into your black heart. Okay. Well, I don't know where the eroticism is there, but I guess that makes sense. Staring at the bruise

on your arm, man, have you not figured out where it came from? No, no, no. I haven't. Yeah, man, that's crazy. That's a big one. Yeah, and it's like three big circles. No, it's actually from, I had a mosquito war a couple of days back in my bedroom.

You were punching your arm? Yeah, because I really wanted to kill the mosquito. But then the earth that the mosquito was living on was my arm. So I really punched me, and then I never actually hit the mosquito. But I'll tell you, that mosquito. That's what fucking retarded children do to themselves. Sure, sure, sure.

You could say that. I take offense to the word children, but that's okay. I'm a full-grown adult, and if you could call me a retarded adult, that would be great. But yeah, yeah, no, overall. It's funny the idea of a mosquito on your face and you just smashing your face to open it up. It was amazing. No, it was straight-up comical.

It would whiz by my ears and just be like, fuck you. It was just constantly harassing me. I didn't get to sleep until like 8 in the morning, but that's where this bruise came from. Yeah, we have a bit of a mosquito problem in the apartment, man. We've got to figure this out. We'll talk about it.

Oh, the puddles. Puddles? Yeah, they live in the puddles that are in your house. They get rid of all that stagnant water. Right, right. Stop pooping in the water, Ed. If you could stop pooping in all the puddles and leave your fecal matter around the apartment, I think they would die down.

I like pooping in puddles. I agree. Where's Ed? Check the puddles. Check in puddles. I agree. Where's it? Check the puddles. Check the puddles. If the puddles are full of it. Nick, where's the strangest place you ever poo-pooed? That I've ever pooped?

Teacher's desk. Really? What? Wow. You really did it? College or high school or junior high? I was senior year. I thought it would be a funny prank.

At least creative prank I've ever come up with. I don't know what the prank is. Well, what's the prank? Hey, I didn't shoot on your desk. I did. That is the prank. That is the prank. So you shat, and what was the name of this teacher?

I don't even know. It was a teacher I didn't even have ever. I had no beef with him. Oh, good. So you're with friends... That's the perfect crime, though. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, the one student he never had.

Yeah, they never solve murders by people who murder people they don't know. I know. That's why I'm still out there! Your next person listening, Johnny! Uh-oh, there probably is one. You know I'm talking about you, Johnny.

You're in your room right now. Scary, very scary. So let's go through that process. So you're with your friends, and you alert your friends that you were going to poo-poo on this teacher's desk? So we had done a bunch of pranks. I put a bunch of fake announcements in where they listed fake people that were funny names. What were some of the names? I think it was like, well, the following people, please report to 113 for detention.

Kneel and blow. And then we're like – You idiots! That's a made-up guy! Because, of course, you get it because you got to kneel and then you suck the dick. I didn't even put that together. I thought it was a random name. And then we did a bunch of –

Right. So you – Because we're like seniors. We got to take this – take down an establishment. And this was towards the end of my ideas. I couldn't think of anything else. I'd done all the clever stuff. And then I was like, I don't know.

I was like, I got to shit all on this desk. That's great. And so I went and I pulled out a newspaper and just squatted down, took a dump on the desk, pissed in the wastebasket because you can't poop without peeing. Of course. And then that was the end of it. How did you wipe?

What's that? How did you wipe? I used the school newspaper that I was reading. Oh, nice. Wait, so you were taking a shit on the desk, but you were still doing your regular toilet routine? Yeah. Reading the newspaper while you were taking a shit?

Did you shit in a drawer or was it right on the top of the desk? I sat there and squatted like a catcher. That's great. Did you get caught? No, no, I never. But the school must have been alerted. The school must have been alerted. Let's call him Mr. Thompson.

I think these were my last minutes of ever being in that school. It was before Columbine. Oh, yeah. And outside, if Derek Kle my last minutes of ever being in that school. It was before Columbine. Oh, yeah. And outside, if Derek Klebold... You can get away with it now. If Klebold and Harris would have just gone shitting on desks, Columbine would have been hilarious. That whole tragedy would have been real different.

Do you know their names? Yeah, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris. They're spree killers. Yeah, he used to play Doom multiplayer with them. Really? We were both in the Marilyn Manson Fang Club. We used to write letters to each other. So you never got in any trouble for the big dump on the desk?

You really got away with this? No. No. No. I mean, yeah, I got away with it. I wouldn't say that's my proudest poop. Yeah. Proudest poop was...

Do you want to apologize to the woman from the previous story? Did you also do that in her pool? That was my proud as poop. Yeah. Proud as poop was... Do you want to apologize to the woman from the previous story? Did you also do that in her pool? That was my proudest poop. He just takes flights across the country. When did they get a load of me? And I just shit all over her back. I was really mad at her. She pulled out in front of me and tried to go,

I'll just shit all over your backyard! It was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I couldn't think of anything to say, and I felt like I had to live up and actually go through with it, so I shit all over my backyard. Right. Good. Great. Go poo with it?

Is that what you said? I had to go poo with it. You had to go poo with it sometimes. That's not bad. Well, I had no idea you were such a rebel, Nick, and it's refreshing to hear. I'd say it's the dumbest thing I've ever done. There's nothing really funny. At the time, I thought it was hilarious.

It is funny. I think it is, though. I think it's fine. It's fine. There's no hook. There's no twist. There's no reveal at the end. There's no misdirection or anything like that. It's just you just took it down by a true, though. That's not true. I think the twist might be the pee-pee

in the trash can. Exactly. What a nightmare. I cleaned up twist might be the pee-pee in the trash can. Exactly. Oh, the poo. What a nightmare. I cleaned up the poo. The nightmare is over. Picks up the garbage. Pits all over the shoes. God damn it. That's true.

That's the closer. That's a lot of DNA you're leaving behind. That's true. Different times, though. I didn't even think of that. It's still there. No one's cleaned it up. I took a shit on an anthill once.

Oh! Wow. A lot of ants crawling all over it. Just munching down. There's a lot of sugar in that shit. Yeah, you did them a favor, actuallyill once. Oh! Wow. A lot of ants crawling all over it, just munching down. There's a lot of sugar in that shit. Yeah, you did them a favor, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty fun.

That was just out camping? But you went for the anthill? No, you just squat over an anthill and just fucking go for it. It was behind my house. Oh, okay. How old? Maybe like 10. Ah, weird.

And how close were you to a bathroom? Oh, maybe like a five-minute run. And how close were you to the anthill? Right over it. What was your thought process? She's like, let's take a shit on this anthill. All right. It's how dogs think.

And they're right. Dogs are smart, smart, beautiful creatures. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. What's your sandwich? Oh, shit. You're going to have a sandwich McNeely. What's your sandwich? Oh, shit. You're going to have a sandwich named after you. What's it going to be? Marcus with the Marcuses is a multi-million dollar sandwich store owner.

What's the name of the sandwich store? A sandwich store? Yeah. Bingy, bunky, bunky, bunky, bunky. Sandwiches. He's just drunk up there. He looks like a drunk man. Poor sign guy.

Now, what is it again? How many Bs? Bingy, bunky, bunky, bunky, bunky. Four. I put too many. I'm pretty sure you're changing it every time, sir. It's always too many or not enough. We're playing a game of lies here.

I'm not paying for that fifth bunky. I'll tell you that right now. are not enough. We're playing a game of lies here. I'm not paying for that fifth bunkie. I'll tell you that right now. If bunkie signs, the fifth bunkie's on us. They only do bunkie signs. Yeah, so I guess I'll start. The Holden McNeely. No bread.

Just lizards. Just aards. A lizard. It's an alive lizard. It's just a lizard with lipstick on it. Yeah, yeah. With lipstick on it and fucking mascara. Who wanted a sandwich? It's mine!

It's mine! It's like a lizard jumping out of your hand. A screaming lizard, please. Hey, does that come with mayonnaise? No, no. It comes with nothing. It's a screaming lizard. That's it.

I sandwiched his shit on the floor. Yeah, yeah. That's called your condiment. First of all, I'm going to have to hire extra staff to clean up the lizard shit. I don't like it. I guess I'll still go with my sandwich, even though that was brilliant. Honestly, if my sandwich isn't as good, just go with the lizard shit. I don't like it. I guess I'll still go with my sandwich, even though that was brilliant. Honestly, if my sandwich isn't as good, just go with the lizard.

Can we say that's the worst use of the word brilliant ever? I believe that lizard sandwiches are brilliant. Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm wrong. Take a bunch of jelly, put it on a lizard, suck it up. Okay, yeah, I'm an idiot.

Oh, there's jelly on it? See, that's the thing. The secret's jelly. Anyone can just eat a lizard. Yeah, yeah. Now, does anybody feel like that dude just, like, put a bunch of jelly on this lizard and, like, threw him at us? It's a weird restaurant. I make you a really good sandwich. Does anybody feel like that dude just put a bunch of jelly on this lizard and threw him at us?

It's a weird restaurant. I make you a really good sandwich. All right, so mine is two hamburger patties as buns. We're going with that. Cheeseburger patties. So we're going to have cheese on it, but it's going to be on the outside. So that when you finish eating it, you got all that cheese lickings on your fingers. You're going to get all that mashed up in the cheese.

Also, coming piping hot right out the oven. I like to eat fast. I want you to eat fast. You're going to be eating this thing real fast. That cheese is going to be burning your fingertips. Okay. Inside consists of one thing, a frozen square block of mayonnaise. Oh.

That's it. The Holden McNeely. Also, you could call it the Cummy Holden because the mayonnaise sort of signifies that. Or a C-H. Or just give me a ch. If you go up to the sandwich and say, give me a ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. And then you get

the hamburger buns mayonnaise block. I kind of would eat that. I almost ate that exact same thing last night. I mean, people like Ben is not a large market. Yeah, but they exist. He's physically a large market.

I eat twice as many as most people. Twice as much as most people. So you've got to double it up. I'm a huge market. That's the thing. If Ben likes it, that means we're going to at least move about 10 million units. If Ben likes it, then that's what we call the Midwest market. That's right. So it's possible.

You might have to make a couple of tweaks. Okay, what are the tweaks? The mayonnaise cannot be completely frozen. Oh, no, no, no, no. I said no, no, no, my friend. These people eat a lot of sugar. Their teeth are brittle. They break easily.

We're going to have to make it hard, but not rock hard. So like a Klondike bar, but with meat patties and mayonnaise. Exactly. I'm with you. I'm with you. I think this is nice. We can talk about it. Vatterot, what do you got?

Vatterot, what do you got? Don't say herpes. That was the best. A herpes sandwich. Hey, where'd it go? Don't say herpes. A herpes sandwich. Hey, where'd it go? Oh, it came back. A herpes sandwich. It's a sandwich that keeps on giving.

You just can't get rid of it, no matter how much you spray it. I don't know. Well, I was thinking, I've been obsessed with Yankee Doodle recently. You're going to call it the Yankee Doodle? I'm going to call it the Yankee Doodle recently. You're going to call it the Yankee Doodle? I'm going to call it the Yankee Doodle. Because Yankee Doodle, this guy is a crazy madman. The guy stuck a feather in a hat. Bam! Macaroni! What an animal.

If that's how he cooks, he just... But the Yankee Doodle is just... He leans a toothbrush up against a window. Bam! Bologna salad! So you're pitching me an imaginary sandwich right now. Okay, how about, how about, how about, how about, good night, good night, great teeth. That's what it's called.

Okay. It's two pounds of cottage beef. I'm with you. Cottage beef. Yep. Start with two pounds of cottage beef. Sourdough roll on the bottom, pretzel roll on top. And then there's a mouth guard in the middle.

A plastic mouth guard. So when you eat it, when you're done eating it, you just kind of have the mouth guard on and you can go to sleep and it fixes your teeth. My lord. Oh, that's very good.

Absolutely. I mean, he's clapping for himself, but I guess I'll clap with him. Yep. I had nothing else to add, so I decided to clap. That's good. Retail price.

How much we charge him for that? Retail price? You can get one for eight or two for eight. All right. Or three for eight. I'm not in the numbers. I'm in the kitchen figuring it out.

I'm the business man. You're the ideas guy. All right. Good night, great teeth. I like that. I like that. Thank you. Ben. You know, I don't like segments. Alright, goodnight great teeth I like that Ben You know I don't like segments

I always do Ben It's been made painfully obvious All you have to do is decide what your favorite sandwich is You love sandwiches So think about Getting a sandwich And what you would want on it And then call it your name

Ketchup is replaced with blood getting a sandwich and what you would want on it and then call it your name? Ketchup is replaced with blood. Human thighs are the beef. What's the name of the sandwich? Human thighs are the beef. Ketchup is blood. Victim. Victim, okay.

The name of the sandwich is victim and it is human thighs. It is human breast meat. It is human stomach meat. It is human foot meat. Human meat? stomach meat. It is human foot meat. Human meat? No, from different parts of the body. All right, well, what part of the foot? The heel.

And that's the onion. That's chewy. Yeah. That's the onion. Okay. Now, you have the human heel. You put that inside of an oyster shell. You shuck the oyster.

Throw away that fucking disgusting oyster meat. What? Yeah, it's gross. Subhuman. You eat a human's heels. You put that in the oyster shell, and you cook it for a couple of minutes. And then after that, you take that out, and then you put that on the sandwich again. So you have your human thighs, your human feet, your human...

A little pork shoulder. A little spam. A little human spam. Oh, a non-human? Okay. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, he calls humans pork.

Pork shoulder. Yeah, because humans aren't people. Humans are pigs. And the Filip no, no, no, no. No, he calls humans pork. Yeah, because humans aren't people. Humans are pigs. And the Filipinos call us long pig. Yeah, we're the longest. And so we'll do that and then put a little blood on there and then a little barbecue sauce, a little rosemary, and a slice of ginger. And we all put that together on a sesame seed bun.

Oh, yeah, there you go. That's the camper. That will single handedly steal from the dumpsters of McDonald's. Now, is that ginger root or Irish person? No, it's a part of an Irish person. Yeah, it's actually their eyelashes, which is the only part of them that has any useful

ability. Alright. I just love a Brooklyn guy ordering this. Give me a... Don't cook the ginger Too much All right Give me extra foot meat Hold the bunion

Hold the bunion Hold the bunion But you know what You can't hold the bunion The bunion comes On every fucking Well Impossible to mass produce

No it's not Where are we gonna get the meat From people Which people They're everywhere Everywhere Like rats Yeah I'll I'll give up my support Yeah Where are we going to get the meat? From people. Which people? There are four of them. Everywhere. Like rats.

Yeah. I'll give up myself for it. Yeah. Well, we got one. You got 20 good sandwiches with Nick. Exactly. Just wasting away over here. It's a ding. Nick's just like, give me a reason.

We also, we just start, we start with Nick. We start milking him for all this fucking jism, and we, you know, make more. Treat me like the fucking buffalo, man. Use all parts of me. All right, all right. It comes with a side of boneless fingers. But they're real fingers. Real fingers.

And that just comes with barbecue sauce. I'll take it out of your advisement. I'll go consult my law team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going to be happy with it, but we'll see what we can do. It's a controversial business, and I understand the market stuff. Uh-huh. Amber.

Oh. All I can think of is like a sandwich that I would actually really like to eat. All right. It's, you take an avocado, and then you take the pit. What's it called? Oh, it's called the best thing you've ever put in your fucking whore mouth. Oh, my God. We're just going to shorten that to the whore mouth.

Great. Perfect. You take an avocado. You pit it. You skin it. And then you stuff the inside. The whole you stuff with foie gras. And then you take the avocado and you wrap it in

thick-cut, smoky, crispy bacon. And then you take two slices of Texas toast garlic butter bread. Oh, yeah. And then you put goat cheese on it. And then you put a rare skirt steak

around it. Smash it with, you take it around the avocado and you, boom, smash it. It's this little bit flat, flat. And you serve it to them just like that. I'm completely engorged. Holy shit, that was hot. That was amazing. I'm tearing it.

Yeah, that's the thing. That is an amazing fucking sandwich. So the whore mouth. Jesus Christ, the whore mouth. Good God. That was weird. I'm a little flushed. Yeah, we're all like post-orgasm about this marriage right now.

I had a good time thinking about it in my brain. Okay, well, Ed, what do you got there? What do you got to call my mother? Well, mine's called the Daddy Don't Live Here No More. Ah, yeah. All right, and then basically, yeah, it's a plate, and then your mother comes out of the kitchen and beats the shit out of you. With the plate, yeah. All right, so let's just move on to Madeline.

All right, Madeline, what do you got? So, Madeline, what do you have there for us? That's good, though. Madeline, our culinary expert. Sure, sure, sure. I would call it the yum-yum poo-poo butt. Ooh, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. I would call it the yum yum poo poo butt. Ooh. I like it.

I would start with two fried eggs, a little sharp aged cheddar, maple stout pork ice cream, all sandwiched between two slices of fried maple bacon brioche bread. Oh my God.

Wrap it in bacon, deep fry it one more bread. Wrap it in bacon. Deep fry it one more time. Cut it in half. We'll dial up a whipped cream. Wow! Salt and sweet. I like it. Two of my favorite things. Amber and Madeline just need to get into business together.

Because you know what? I'm a multi-million dollar sandwich maker owner. I'm hiring both. All right. Double winners. That's amazing. Ours just sound impractical, I think. Yeah.

We're going to prison for murder, and then it never really happens. Yeah. Wow. No, those are great. All right. Thank you so much, Amber. Thanks for having me. That's amazing.

Thank you so much, Amber. Edward Larson. Hold him at Neely. All right. And Nick Vattera. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. That's amazing. Edward Larson, Holden McNeely. Oh, cool! All right. And Nick Vattera, thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. And of course, Kevin was here for half the episode, and he was beautiful. And Madeline Osten, thank you so much.

Yum, yum. That is Marcus, and I am Ben Kissel, and we will talk to you very soon. Baby. Poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop. Wow, and then we just stand up out of our chairs.