The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 154: I'm Rubber You're Glued

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a man is charged with felony theft after drinking the 52 bottles of Prohibition-era whiskey he was asked to protect, a 4 year old finds a pipe stuffed to the brim with weed in his Burger King kids meal, and a woman threatens to kill her neighbor because everyone knows she had sex with her cat. Joining us today: Myka Fox!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. What do you mean? You have to start a prayer. You have to start the process of the podcast. Not yet. Now we're starting.

Okay. Everyone, please. Everyone, please silence. Alright, just pray. And close your eyes for a guided meditation. I won't do it. You're one Mama Larson, giving birth to the biggest baby in Florida. You're just laying on that table.

You're eating a fucking Subway sandwich. Arby's. Arby's. You're eating an Arby's. Yeah, Ed can help me a little bit with this scenario. You're in Florida. It's hot. It's hot outside.

Horsey sauce is on her lips. And the doctor comes in and he's like, I think we're dealing with quadruplets here. And then only one comes out. And I know a C-section probably happened. We're going to play it the other way here. She pushes. She pushes. She pushes.

Oh, yeah. She pushes. What are the noises Mama Larson's making, Henry? Ooh, thank you. Ooh, thank you, son. We get literally one toe has come out. That's how big this baby is. He's still crying.

Mama needs, baby needs meat. Baby needs meat immediately. Baby needs meat. Get this baby some meat. So they stuff some meat up there. We're talking about a three day long pregnancy. They stuff some meat in her, expand her belly a little bit. It eats it up just so that it can fucking get off its ass.

Get out of this woman's vagina. And it finally happens. And the doctor holds it up and it takes a long time for him to do it. You know, he has to go like, it's like a Marla. Yeah. It's like unbelievable. He's got to get in the fighting chair. People taking pictures with him and things.

It's like four nurses, four nurses and a doctor to hold this fucking huge baby up. And what's your first word said? Give me more. More meat. More, more anything. Yeah.

And he wants it all. We're still meditating, right? Sure. I guess. Who gives a shit? We're, see, I'm talking about new religion. We're easy, man. We fucking, I guess. Okay, sure. Who gives a shit? See, I'm talking about new religion.

We're easy, man. We fucking, you can go any way with it. You want to smoke weed right now? Smoke weed, Henry. Jaw. Thank you. Jaw mod. Jaw.

Absolutely. I'm not sure if this is a meditation. You're a sweaty mass of an Ed Larson mother. You're still her right now. Is this like a poetry open mic? Absolutely. Yeah, what's happening? Give to the streets. Take back from the cops. That's a good point. That this like a poetry open mic? Absolutely. What's happening? Give to the streets.

Take back from the cops. That's a good point. That is actually a good point. And you breathe, and you open your eyes, and you are now at the round table of gentlemen. Wow. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Who is everybody around this sort of round table that's not necessarily round? Jaggy Zabrowski.

I'm back in full fucking chink-ass action, y'all. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Me, this tiny little girl. All right, okay. Well, now you're really going overboard, Jackie. Really, one week you took off of being racist, and immediately the most racist you've ever been.

This is what happens when you try to harm racists. That's not the most racist. The most racist you could do is something, you know, retarded, African, not being able to get a job at a McDonald's. What does that sound like? What does that sound like, Henry?

We don't, we don't, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want,

we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want,

we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want,

we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, we don't want, Well, you know what? You're actually hired.

I thought that was a wonderful, wonderful resume you handed in with your sandwich wrapping abilities. Thanks for being on the team. I'm Ed Larson. I'm Holder McNeely, and my cock is ready to fuck. Yeah. No, it's not.

My name is Zabowski. Oh, what's up? I need 99 chicken McNuggets. Just give him some bananas. Henry the Brownsgate. Excuse me. Do you guys have any zebra McNuggets? My buddy Nogongo needs them. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- it in for Kevin Barnett today. I am Ben Kissel in the Choco Hut. Steve Nogungo, remember him? I mean, this is different. This is a different name, different culture. We've got Michael Fox. He's in the Choco Hut. Thanks for being here, Micah. Fine.

Great. Great. Great. That's right. Alright, I am Ben Kissel. As said before, Marcus Parks, you have news stories for us. Marcus farts. Don't fart. You know that makes him cry, Henry. You know that makes him cry. Don't cry. Farty fart Marcus. Yeah, cry it up.

You'll be all deep in the night. Junkie Marcus. Marcus, you're playing right into their hands. Playing in the trash can. Yeah, playing in the can. They did that. Alright, Marcus. Marcus parks with a P, not farts with an F. Thank you, Ben,

my only friend. No problem, only friend of mine as well. What's the news stories today? You fucking friendless pieces of shit. We got each other! We got each other! That's rude, Eddie! That's rude, Eddie! Don't say that! I got 50 friends! You got no friends, you fucking weird lizard! 200 friends!

200 friends! He just said he did! There's no proof! There's no proof. There's no proof. I go on Facebook, I know it. I go on Facebook, I see it. Get out of here. I got five on it.

Yes. He's got five on it. All right, Marcus, what's a news story? Shortly after winning the beer drinking prize at a festival in Spain's Murcia region, Joaquin Garcia began to vomit. Racist. Before his name. That's the racist thing? The actual Mexican thing is racist? region, Joaquin Garcia began to vomit. Racist. That's the racist thing?

The actual Mexican saying? I heard the accent with which it was said. He said it right. He said Joaquin, Maureen. It's racist when you say it, Henry. Joaquin, Alcaldez, Garcia. That's racist. I think that's racist. That's how Alex Trebek reads names.

It's proper pronunciation. Racism for 1,000? I would love the round table discussing what is racist and what is not racist. It's none of it's racist. That's our conclusion to it. We're playing characters. That's right. I have 7,000 friends.

You have? Yes. Hold it. It's just make-believe. Make-believe. All right, Marcus, continue with the story. Well, before he began vomiting, he was fine. He had drunk six liters of beer, and when he won, he lifted the trophy.

Then he just started to vomit without stopping, and he never spoke again. Is he single? What's going on? He's single now. He's dead. Oh, he died. He died. Only the good.

Right? Am I right? I mean, six liters of beer? That's not that much beer. That's not that much beer. How much beer is that in cans or something I can think about in my head? Someone convert it.

Six liters is three two-liter bottles of something or two liter bottles of something. There's so many nerds and we don't know. Come on, get it together. I'm with you. No, we're not smart. Oh, not juice. Got it.

That's four beers? One liter equals 33 ounces. Okay. So, six liters is 202 ounces. That's not pissing. We could take that down. That's fucking breakfast. Over eggs.

Yeah, he did it already today. Oh my god 10 times over So how many Wait how many 40s is that How is this man even a champion I'm calculating how many It's 540s Actual dream

540s Yeah 200 ounces Yeah 202 Yeah divided by 12 40 Equals This guy's a fucking It's 16 cans of beer

In 20 minutes What a bitch That's pretty good That's pretty nuts That's pretty good That's standard 20 minutes Oh 20 a bitch. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's standard. 20 minutes. Oh, 20 minutes.

20 minutes. But he puked it all out. You would think you wouldn't die at this point. Yeah, but then he died. Micah, you can't fuck this guy, right? He was, no, well, how cold is he? I mean, okay. That's a good point.

Let's say he's not that cold. One of his friends said that the, it seems Joaquin's body said enough was enough. Racist. Again, that cold. One of his friends said that the, it seems Joaquin's body said enough was enough. Racist. Again, that is just a Hispanic name. That's just, I mean, do you want me to say Joaquin? Yes. Joaquin.

Say it like you mean it. Joaquin. Joaquin. Joaquin. Joaquin. Yes, he was described as obese. How big was he? By his best friends.

No, that's from witness Santiago Garcia. Okay, Santiago. Quite big, he was. Gordissimo, you good thing about him. Is that all you know? As far as the Spanish? His name's Pedro. It doesn't even go anywhere, Henry.

It went nowhere. You just said that. Okay, so can I ask you this? Would you describe any of your friends as obese to a police officer? Oh, to a police officer? No, I don't talk to the law. You know that, guys. We're together in this.

I'm not going to talk to no fucking ham hocks. To anybody else. To a mailman. Oh, yeah. The guy at the hotel lobby. Fat. Yeah, got to let them know what's coming. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. The guy at the hotel lobby. Fat. Yeah, got to let him know what's coming. Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. The guy at the after party. Oh, of course. Yeah. No, I tell them they're all really hot chicks, and then they just keep on showing up. He's like, I don't know what happened in the limo. They just change. He was the guy with one of those magical transportation mobiles that makes him real hairy and fat.

I impregnated all of them. What, what, what? That's good, Micah. That's right. With beard fat. How did this That's good, Micah. That's right. With beard fat. How did this guy win this competition? 16 beers in 20 minutes. I don't think it's that good.

It is good. As a matter of fact, if we had money, I would do that right now. I don't think you could. I could do it. I mean, I could do it and talk. You're going to die. You can't vomit during the competition. Right, but no, he didn't vomit during.

He vomited after. Yeah, he vomited. He was hoist vomited after. He hoisted the trophy above his head. He started vomiting. One of the witnesses said... He did die a champion. He did! Definitely. Trayvon! Jesus Christ! Why are you bringing Trayvon into this? Micah Fox!

He's not even there yet. Jesus Christ! Don't bring Trayvon into this. Whose streets? Our streets. Whose streets? She's a different kind of girl. She's a different kind of girl.

Protests were yesterday. Now we're having a good time again. My goodness. Listen, all I know is someone's dead, motherfuckers. That's right, Micah. Somebody is dead. One of the witnesses said, he vomited a lot, but I sat with him for ten minutes and he was sleeping and snoring away.

He vomited all over himself in his chair. I was one of the people who held him upright. He died a Jim Morrison death. When he arrived in the emergency unit, his vital signs were very weak, said workers at the local hospital. He died shortly afterwards. What's his blood type? Just like straight cool. Just like the fucking coolest guy around.

Like cool cigarettes? Yeah. Jackie, you can't get with a man who can't have 16 beers in 20 minutes. Fucking death after that? No, no, no. That's insane to me. Although I would be pretty interested in a man that almost pukes himself to death. Right.

And then like comes back from it. That's right. If he had lived, then you can fucking give me a call. Puke and rally. That's puke and rally. Puke and rally. Yeah, man. Now that's a man.

So are they getting in trouble for having this competition? The local mayor, Jose Manuel Garcia, who has the same last name as the man. In the story. That is. I'm just going to set the record straight. There are nine last names in Mexico. Right. And they switch them out in order because everyone's got six names. That's why they're coming to America.

They're trying to steal our names. They're taking our names. Look at Zimmerman. Oh my. It's all coming together, Micah. Travon. Travon. No more Travon. No, no, no. Jesus Christ. Are you guys against Travon Martin?

No, I'm for Travon Martin. Are you for Travon Martin? He's dead. Well, that's why I love him. I don't know what you... No, he's a wonderful man. A wonderful kid. So what are the nine last names? God damn.

What are the nine last names? Garcia, Fernandez, Burrito... Hernandez. Soto. No, that's a food. Quetzalcoatl and... Quetzalcoatl, the Mayan fucking... Jones.

For dudes that are just hanging out in Mexico undercover. Sanchez. Sanchez. Sanchez. All right. There's very little research. Very little research being done here.

The whole thing is off the rails. So what's happened with the mayor? The mayor, he said that the cause of the beer-drinking king's death was not yet clear. He's not a beer-drinking king. The beer killed him. He's not the king of beer-drinking. He won, right? But he died a champion. Give him that. I will give him that. Will you? But I'm saying he's not a beer-kicking drink! The beer killed him! He's not the king of beer drinking! He won right before you. He died a champion!

Give him that! I will give him that! But I'm saying he's not a beer-drinking king because he died! Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a beer-drinking king! Well alive! For like an hour! Yeah, for like a minute! Yeah. Well, the official defended the town's beer festival, saying it had a very long tradition.

However, they did suspend further festivities. Oh, that's terrible. Like his funeral. It's all done. Local authorities have called for a three-day official period of mourning in honor of the beer-drinking king. What is this town? What little shit's going down in this town if this guy gets three days of mourning?

He was a fucking champion. He shut down the beer drinking competition. I miss him. You don't know him, Ed. I miss him. Whatever. Everyone's all hungover. They're like, oh, we need three days. Yeah, exactly. He had to sleep this off for three days at work.

Yeah, right. Eddie, is this one of the most sympathetic deaths you've heard about in the media in a long time? I care about this guy. You love this man. Yeah, I care about him a lot. March for him, care about him? No, no, no, no. I don't march for anybody. Yeah, yeah.

Have you seen Eddie? There's no way. Except on the way to the Burger King, you piece of shit. He's a fat fucker. He's a fat fucker. 10,000 friends. Oh, he's got 10,000 friends. And he's a fat fucker.

Different. Oh, man. I have a BMI of 37. That's right. You figured that out. It's ding, ding, ding. Different. Oh, man. I have a BMI of 37. That's right. What does that mean? You figured that out. It's better than 40. I used that.

It's wrong. The whole thing is wrong. It doesn't matter. Mine's 19. Yeah, I found out that my skeleton actually only weighs nine pounds. So you're not big boned. I'm not big boned. Bird bones.

I'm bird boned. I could fly if it wasn't for my horrible addiction to beer and fucking cheese. I found out that the bones in my feet are the same thing that birds' beaks are made out of. That's great, Holden. That's interesting. Thank you, Holden. You're like a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Come to life.

Yes. So that was kind of fun. The doctor made a scary discovery. He went and told all the nurses to go home for the day. And we had a little afternoon together. He said they would be frightened and horrified by what they saw underneath my shoes.

Just two horrible beaks. Well, you walk great. You walk great. But I did find a different place to eat from. Where was that? Where are you eating? In my feet. I can put food in there. Oh, I see.

And it has a line up to my stomach. Yeah, he digs for worms. Oh, okay. Yeah, you can only put worms in my, quote, unquote, feet. I'm doing the quote. Feet beak. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

That's how plants eat, right? Yeah, I think so. Holden Beakfeet McNeil. Yeah, I've heard of that. Oh, Beakfeet. Oh, Beakfeet. Oh, yes. Oh, I remember Beakfeet McNeil. Yes, I've heard of that. Oh, Beakfeet. Oh, Beakfeet. Oh, yes. Oh, I remember Beakfeet very well.

He used to come in, eat all the ham, never pay for it, just leave. Very nice guy. Scare your kids for a dollar, he would. Taught me to put his guitar real good. Isn't that nice? He's got nails for feet. All right, Marcus, is there another news story? Yes, you mentioned Burger

King. Yes. I have. In regards to Henry being so fat. Police say a family found a pipe stuffed with marijuana inside a kid's meal bought for a four-year-old boy at a Burger King restaurant in southern Michigan. That shit happens to me.

It should happen to me. I never would have complained for a fucking second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, my four-year-old kid's like, what's that? It's like, oh, that's Daddy's toy.

No, these are for adults, actually. I just love the idea of the guy at Burger King like patting around his pockets. He has his weed all out and he pulls out a chicken tender. He's like, oh, that's not a bowl.

Oh, shit! Just fucking hollows out the chicken tender and smokes the weed anyway Yeah they have like Employee of the month But they also have like Bungle boo of the month

Bungle boo of the month I'm sorry I just Oh man I must be my beak feet It sucks that this guy's Gonna have to work a whole Another three weeks

To buy another pipe Oh yeah definitely Burger King with those wages Yep Good glass pipe for that. Police Chief David Uhl said the grandfather went into the... I found a ween pipe.

Officer Uhl. Oh, can you imagine you're like a rape victim and Officer Uhl's the one? So how do you feel? I feel exactly like your last name. Is it Uhl? Like I was just penetrated. You know with seven O's and a U? Yeah, yeah.

He's Polish. Police Chief David Ool, he says... Put some other letters in your name. It's like the sound that your body makes when you stick your finger too far into your belly button. Can you imagine what that guy sounds like when he's eating pussy? Jesus Christ. That's disgusting, Henry. You don't know what it sounds like.

He's never eaten pussy, ladies and gentlemen. That's right. Not unless it was cake. I just look at it. You gotta tattoo the word Edamins above your pussy if you want Henry to eat it. Hello! You've been zanked!

You've been zanked! That's good. Well, the police chief, who shall not be named, unless we get on another 20-minute tangent about it. He said that the boy's grandfather went into the Burger King and ordered food, including a kid's meal box for his grandson.

Ool said the family discovered the pot pie. Oh! That was a test, and you failed. You failed miserably. Have you met my brother, Officer Gool? Oh, Officer Gool and Officer Ool are on the case. This will be fine. And my shitty sister, Officer School. Hey, Iol are on the case. This will be fine. My shitty sister offers her school.

Hey, I'm here to teach you some English. Don't forget the Rabbi Shmuel. Of course, there's a Rabbi Shmuel. Thank you, Micah. 50,000 friends. Now you have 50,000 friends because Micah did something good? Interesting. Oh, man.

Well, he said that the family discovered the pot pipe before giving the meal to the youngster and called police. After officers responded to the restaurant, they identified

a 23-year-old employee who admitted to owning the paraphernalia. Why would you admit to that? Give it back! Give it back! You know he admitted to it because you're like,

yeah, man, just give it back. He's going to give it to me then. Yeah, that fucking kid stole my pipe, man. Yeah, that fucking kid should go to jail. He took my pipe. I know my rights. Grandpas are so uncool these days.

My job pays your salary, man. That's how I think about it when you're driving. There's some crypto ice in there, man. It's some fucking rare-ish, bro. I had some ool up in that. The employee told officers that he put the pipe in the box to hide it while he worked, and he didn't mean to give it out.

Why would he want to give it out? He's like, I hid it with my gun. What's the problem? Yeah, why would he put it in a fucking kid's box? Well, I don't know. I just talked about how many times I put someplace absolutely obliterated, hammered, or stoned and be like, oh, this is great. I'll never find it like this.

You know, just like I put my shoes in the freezer. Right, right, right, right. No one's ever going to find my cat in this elevator. Safe as can be. Stay right safe right there, Mittens. I'll be right back. I'm going to buy a couple of fans. Don't you leave the elevator!

Who pressed all the buttons? God damn it! It's Mittens, the button push, and the elevator cat. Don't worry, man. It's me, Ken. He's just having an adventure in the elevator. No. That's fine.

All right, this poor kid. So he put the fucking weed pipe in there to hide it. Did he get it back? He was arrested. Yeah, I guess that's what happened. While still at the scene, officers identified two other young men, ages 18 and 20, as being connected to the incident. Dibs. The Monroe Evening News reported that police found hash and other drug paraphernalia inside the car occupied by the two men who do not work at the restaurant.

All three men were arrested on the scene. Oh, leave him alone. Wait, wait. Did they put restaurant in quotes or no? They put what? Restaurant in quotes. It's Burger King. The restaurante.

I mean, this is not shocking news. People who work at Burger King are stoned off their asses, right? They should be. They fucking better be. I agree with you. Yeah, why would they not be stoned? Oh, my God. We used to get so high when I worked at Dairy Queen. It was amazing. That should be. They fucking better be. I agree with you. Yeah. Why would they not be stoned? Oh my God.

We used to get so high when I worked at Dairy Queen. It was amazing. That should be like the intake, like the interview. You're stoned, right? You're going to want to get really stoned before you come back here. Yeah. And another reason why they needed to be stoned at work, this happened in Detroit. Oh, you got to be stoned.

Give them a break. Their city's dead. I agree with you. And Burger King is a restaurant for Detroit, so that's why it wasn't in the... It's more like a restaurant hotel base for people in Detroit. It's better than just the soup trough.

Yeah, the old wharf where no one goes. Or the body field. Like the football field where the school is? Welcome to Rusty Tub Outlet. What do you guys specialize in? Crack.

Rust. If you like the rust, you'll love the crack. I was actually here for the weed. I've got to go down to the rug store for that. We've got twist, and we've got drill, and we've got skunk, and we've got climp. No, Twist and we got Drill and we got Skunk and we got Klimp. No, no. We're not hiring though. It's Detroit.

Eddie, did you ever get super stoned at Derrick when you couldn't work? No, I could always work. Did you ever suck down a bunch of ice cream? All the time. We used to make

the biggest, stupidest fucking giant ice cream floats that you would ever eat. Definitely talking from experience, I worked at Peteria, the fucking Greek food restaurant. I mean, when we get stoned, I work better. I had to cut like

you know, a hundred tomatoes in like an hour or whatever and just throw it out of my head. Absolutely. Tomato after tomato. And then more tomatoes after that tomato. What? Yes! So you're looking at one tomato, but you know there's another tomato right behind it. Exactly. You're going to be able to inspire your future son so hard by

how hard you toiled as a young man. At the pizzeria, cutting tomatoes stoned out of your mind. Man. God. Yeah, I'm going to do my kids a favor. Oh, you know, because chores were a nightmare growing up. Sure. Smoke them out.

Let them make the beds. Let them pick up the toys. You know? Nap time. Just blow weed in their ear like they're a fucking doll. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Or cut a hole in their head and blow it in that.

Yeah. Like a Jeffrey Dahmer type thing. Right. It's called a Dahmer bolt. Yeah, yeah. That's good. You should write the book. I always wanted to smoke weed out of a kid.

Yeah, yeah. What do you smoke it out of? Do you smoke it out of his penis? No. No, absolutely not. You put weed in his mouth. You set fire to the thing and you suck on his penis. Do you smoke it out of his penis? No. No, absolutely not. You put weed in his mouth, you set fire to the thing, and you suck on his penis. So you put the weed in his butt? No, you put the weed in his ass, and then you suck on his mouth.

He can't kiss. No, no, no, no, no. I can't have this. We're trying to sell a show to Sirius. These guys are going to smoke weed out of children. You can't smoke weed out of kids. I got it. I got it.

I'm putting the foot down. Here's what you do. I forgot to put a screen in his ass. Well, that's the major mistake. It just went right up into his stomach. Here's what you do. You drill a hole in the forehead. That's where you put your bowl in.

Absolutely. The ear, you stuff one ear full of cotton. The other ear is the carb. Oh, I thought the nose would be the carb. Either one. Tape up the carb. Oh, I thought the nose would be the carb. Either one. Tape up the nose. There's too many holes in a baby's skull to smoke out of.

I'm with you. That's one of the tricky things. You gotta age it a little bit. You gotta gum it up, man. You chew a bunch of gum, shove it in all the holes. Third world problems, man. These are literally third world problems. And don't even get me started if you cut it off with a neck.

That's the only way to do it. I'm talking full on just a head. That's all I'm smoking out of. Just out of the head. Yeah, because you smoke it, you kiss it. See, I'd staple its legs to a chair so it's like a big chair. Like you're sitting on it. You're riding it like it's a fucking log.

Like how you ride a log down a river you know feel free to call 9-1-1 at any time while listening to the podcast report henry zabrowski he's ever ridden a log down a river if i could tell you all my log river stories we'd be here for a day ladies still a chance to be the first pussy he's ever eaten. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to relax. You got to take it easy. Get him back on the road. You're just making different growling noise. I bark at it like a dog.

Yeah. You're just barking at her pussy right now, Henry. You're not even eating it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's corn, right? That's how you eat it. No, no, no. Eat it like it's like...

Scare snakes out of her mouth. It's like you're eating spaghetti, right? Yeah. Like a yogurt. I mean, just sucking on it. Yeah, there's a dog at the other end, no, no. Eat it like it's like... Scare snakes out of her mouth. It's like you're eating spaghetti, right? You suck on it until you make it all stringy. I mean, just sucking on it. Yeah, there's a dog at the other end, and then you kiss the middle. That's fine. That's a good euphemism.

Yeah, you want a lady and tramp kiss, and that's for eating pussy. Trying to get to the dog. Yeah. I'll put my nose under me, pa. I'm not sure if you can slam in spaghetti inside of her so you can suck it out. Yeah, Lady and the Tramp, I guess that works. Jackie, that turns you on, right? This is our most disgusting episode in a while.

We're only half an hour in. It doesn't matter. It's summer, man. It's hot. It's hot outside, man. We're blaming the heat for this? Yes. Madness.

Heat madness. Trayvon. Trayvon. Trayvon. Trayvon. My girlfriend's gonna break up with me. We're trying to keep Marcus in a relationship

here. His girlfriend hasn't fucked him for a week because of the goddamn verdict. Marcus, let's move on. Let's move on to a different news story that doesn't prompt Micah to chant Trayvon. Oh, like I killed him! Have you not read the news? We all killed him, Micah! We chant Trayvon. Oh, like I killed him. Have you not read the news?

We all killed him, Micah. We all killed him. I can't believe white people are getting blamed for this. He's a Spanishman. We're moving on. We're moving on. We did so good last week. We did so good last week.

I'm seeing you get out of town. This is what happens when we try to be PC for one week, and we're more than PC, and now this's the worst week we've ever had. What do we want? To not talk about Trayvon. When do we want it? Now! Right now! As of now and forever. Alright.

Alright. We're going to go back to another drinking story. Good. Drinking. There we go. We're going to go... Pour one out for Trayvon. Alright. Okay. We're going to go to drinking now. We're going to go back to drinking. According to WTAE News in Pennsylvania... What time? What time?

A man has swelled down 50 bottles of pre-prohibition whiskey in one year. Whiskey he was supposed to be guarding for safekeeping. He was guarding it. He knows where it is, yeah. That's what happens. He's like, was this guy named Ed Larson? Eddie, did you have a job? I did it recently to us.

To my band, The Cowmen. Marcus is in the band. I was supposed to keep a bottle of whiskey that we got for free from doing a music festival, and I drank. He drank all of it. I got like four sips of that fucking whiskey. Yeah, of course. Why did we leave it with you?

You left it at Holden McNeely's house. Yeah, why would you leave it with them? Holden the never-ending mouth. Holden the fucking slide to the gullet McNeely. That's what they call him, yeah. Wait. It got mailed to his house. I should have known better when...

To my office. To your office. I should have known better when we were going to pick it up and we were trying to fill out the form. You're like, I'm like, oh, I can just have it gone to the creek. You're like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to send it to my office. Fucking shithead. It tasted delicious. I bet. Yeah. Well, the man just have it gone to the creek. You're like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to send it to my office. Fucking shithead.

It tasted delicious. I bet. Yeah. Well, the man in the story, the man, John Saunders, 62, was a caretaker who lived in the basement of the South Broadway Manor Bed and Breakfast near Pittsburgh, was a friend of the inn owner's family for 40 years. The owner, Patricia Hill, had discovered several cases of historic whiskey hidden in an enclosed space under the stairs of the inn during renovations.

She had the cases taken to the stairs of the inn during renovations. She had the cases taken to the basement for safekeeping until renovations were complete. She charged Saunders with keeping an eye on the cases. It was a classic case of the fox being left to watch the hen house. They got some puns. Especially because he needed the fuel to beat his children. Oh, no. He was a loner 62-year-old man living in the basement of a bed and breakfast. What was he supposed to do?

I'm happy that he drank the whiskey. He was right to do it. I mean, how did they not smell it on his breath? He's down there every day getting hammered. I mean, bubbles coming out of his mouth like a Looney Tunes cartoon. He's just floating up the stairs. One year, 52 bottles of whiskey. So once a week.

These are his friends who are like, oh, we haven't seen him in a year. What the fuck did you do? He's in floating up the stairs. One year, 52 bottles of whiskey. So once a week... Yeah, these are his friends who are like, oh, we haven't seen him in a year. What the fuck did you do? He's in the basement drinking all the good shit. So the family comes in after a year and they find just zero whiskey in the entire place. Just empty bottles. He kept all the bottles.

He just replaced them. You gotta pee in something. When Hill discovered that the whiskey bottles were now empty, she called police. Saunders denied drinking the whiskey. Seven months of DNA testing ensued. Finally, police confirmed that DNA found on the bottles was a match

to Saunders. They charged him with felony theft and receiving stolen property. Why did it take that long? Why are they doing DNA testing on the goddamn bottles of whiskey? It was the only way to solve it. Didn't he have to get a liver transplant or something? He is now awaiting

a liver transplant, yes. Of course. It was pre-prohibition whiskey. The reason prohibition happened is whiskey was pretty fucked up back in the day. We gotta get him

a pre-prohibition liver. That's what... That's right. That's right. Let the punishment fit the crime. All right. I can see him on the stand

and we're like, what's your defense? He's like, it wasn't me. I didn't do right. I can see him on the stand. We're like, what's your defense? He's like, it wasn't me. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I never did something like that. You call me a liar? You're hired.

We're here. That's the thing. You want me to wash your whiskey? I'll wash your whiskey. I'll wash your whiskey every week. I'll wash it going down my throat. We should have never put him on the stand. Why are you dressed up like Santa Claus?

Oh, yeah, it's Christmas time. It was six months ago. I'll be scary. I'll throw out your whiskey. That's fine. Great defense. Innocent. You know, I saw my grandfather drunk once,

and it sounded just like that. I'm sure. Marcus, you're here. Your last name could smell like Marcus Farts. You're a little Marcus Farts. Hey. Marcus Farts is true. And it was my maternal grandfather, so yes, he would make fun of my last name.

Oh, that's not right, Marcus. I vote you as your grandfather in character. I'm sorry. All right. All right. I mean, I feel like, you know, Jackie, what would you have to be stuck if someone, like, 52 bottles of whiskey? I would be just like this guy I would drink all that

fucking whiskey but I don't think you would drink the whiskey you're a bad employee well of course I'm also a raging alcoholic but Jackie

what would be something if you were trapped down in a basement and you just had to like guard it break them all you would just break them I would immediately

break all of them why would you do that though because that would be so much fun chaos reigns absolutely said the Joker back to you Trayvon Because that would be so much fun. Chaos Reigns. Absolutely. Said the Joker. Back to you, Trayvon.

Joker did not say that. In Antichrist? I guess that's true. Oh, Jesus. It doesn't matter. I'm out. I'm out of fuel. You're done with fuel?

Drink more beer. I know that Zodiac episode was hard on us, but I'm making it through. It's true. That's the last podcast on the left. We covered the Zodiac. Check it out. Okay, everybody. So here we have this man who is now a felony.

I mean, you go to prison for drinking a bunch of fucking booze. You just get raped immediately, right? I mean, he's kind of old. Yeah, he's a 62-year-old man. Why are they even charging with a felony? He's not a rape victim. It's not like he molested children. He drank booze.

That's all anyone ever wants to do. He's a hero. He's a goddamn American hero. Well, he's certainly better than that one fucking Mexican fellow who had one sip of, what was it, five pints of beer. And the next thing you know, he's killing Trayvon. He's not. You never know.

That's really interesting. It's true. The other guy drank, like, I mean, a lot of beer, but it murdered him. This man, he's the beer drinking king. He's the whiskey drinking champion. This is the king. This is the drinking king. Oh, this guy? Yeah. This is the king. This is the drinking king. Oh, this guy?

Yeah. One bottle of whiskey a week? He didn't do nothing. But it's every week. If you sat down and drank a bottle of whiskey over the course of a week, I'd probably already do that. No way. A bottle of whiskey a week. No way.

I mean, don't be so astonished. I can eat that by one. Yeah. 53 bottles by next year. You going to do it, Micah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. You're really good.

I believe her. Whiskey challenge. Who's got a liver for me? Oh, my twin brother? Perfect. Oh, great. Yeah. Cut it right out of him.

Not a problem. Yeah, this could be at least, at the very least, this is a class six felony, which is something that has a value of over $1,000, but less than $2,000. Oh, okay. A class two felony is over $25,000, and a class one felony theft is over $100,000. Oh, okay. A class 2 felony is a class 2 felony is over 25,000 and a class 1 felony theft is over 100,000. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so this guy could get anywhere from one to five years in jail. Five years in jail? He's not going to see a goddamn day. No.

There's no way. Maybe a couple of weeks. Because he's going to die. Yeah, very, very soon. That's true. Very soon. As soon as he stops drinking his fucking liver's going to cry.

Yeah, but can't you make what is it called? Moon juice in prison? Moon juice? Yeah, out of the fruit As soon as he stops drinking, his fucking liver's going to cry. Yeah, but can't you make, what is it called, moon juice in prison? Moon juice? Yeah, out of the fruit peels. Oh, yeah, you can make your prison wine, definitely. Yeah, yeah, they ferment. Have you thought about making them the blue stuff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. That's why my eyes are starting to cross permanently. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. A great coffee shop in Williamsburg, Brooklyn Blue Stove. Check it out. I've got more drunk stories. All right. Let's do more of them.

Sure. Experts investigating a rise in seagull attacks claim the birds are lashing out because they're getting drunk on record numbers of flying ants. It's like the Kissel family. Hold on. What happened? Flying ants? Are they getting drunk on them?

Yeah, they're getting drunk on flying ants. So ants can get you hammered? I guess so. Well, scientists say that the gulls' behavior is getting worse because the hot temperatures have seen a massive boom in insects. The ants then turn to forming acid

in their stomachs and act like alcohol, causing the gulls to lose inhibition around humans and brazenly steal food. God, give him some beer. Could this work with humans? What do you mean? You'd have to eat a lot of ants. If you just started doubting fucking ants, you'd get trashed.

No, let's get Big Pharma on this right away. I agree. We gotta do it. It's like those chocolates with booze in them. That's what I think about when I think about ants. Talk about pre-prohibition. That shit is fucking, oh. Cro-Magnon booze.

You know what's good? You feed gummy bears to seagulls. You watch them choke. That is funny. That is good. That's great. That's old Florida humor there.

That's a great joke you got there, man. You know you could beat a pelican to death with a hammer? Yeah, man, especially if it's on your street and if it's looking at you.

Yeah, you could just take a bird and hit it with a board, like a big thing and just kill it. It's so weird how they just go down. Yeah. You could shoot a board, like a big thing, and just kill it. It's so weird how they just go down. Yeah.

You can shoot a dog in the head. Oh, I love that joke. Henry, that's my favorite Ed Larson joke you just said. Thanks, thanks. Oh, God, that's so great. Oh, tell me another one, Henry. Choking it with a necktie. Oh, yeah.

Tell me another Ed joke, Henry. Tell me another joke. Step on a cat. That is the cutest way. Ah, yeah. Aw, look at that dead dog with the necktie. How cute. Oh, he thinks he Ed joke, Henry. Tell me another joke. Step on a cat? That is the cutest way. Ah, yeah. Aw, look at that dead dog with the necktie. How cute. Oh, he thinks he's a business man. He thinks he's going to work.

Oh, these are great jokes, Ed. Oh, I love them. These are always the best. Well, the seagulls have been so tipsy, they've been flying straight into buildings and into the paths of moving cars. We've been signing that some seagulls are sleeping with some of the fatter members of the seagull family.

Fat seagulls are just having the time of their lives. Seagulls are fucking in the streets everywhere. Very bizarre. That very attractive masculine... Never mind. I'm just thinking of a fat seagull fucking a fat seagull, and it made me very happy. One witness said, As I started driving up the hill, the seagulls Fucking a fat seagull. And it made me very happy. One witness said,

as I started driving up the hill, the seagulls were all over the place pecking in the road. I've never seen it before. They're in the road and they just don't want to move. They're having fun. They love ACDC

and they're all covered in beads. They made a wooden statue of a seagull and they're burning it down. It's like really bizarre. Turn around. I want to tell you something. No, but you got to turn around first. You think you're very I value our friendship. God a lot of seagull butt fucking going down. No doubt about that Very what are you looking up when I look over and I watch? Yeah, Marcia's doing something

It's like are you just looking at seagulls fucking each other? I mean, right now I'm looking at... How do seagulls have sex with each other, Marcus? I'm looking at a picture of a seagull eating some... Doritos.

Some chips. Oh, they're eating chips. This is fantastic. We know they're drunk when they're eating White Castle. Do your beak feet eat Doritos or can you...

It'd probably be easier for you to get some ants. Just worms, baby. Just big fat worms. Don't get me near a bait shop, motherfucker. I'll fucking go up in that bait shop. Oh, man. Yeah, baby. Just big fat worms. Don't get me near a bait shop, motherfucker. I'll fucking go up in that bait shop.

Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. I'm stopping grapes in that bitch butt worms. Oh, my God. I love the bait shop. It's like a whorehouse for me. It's disgusting. You just go in there and you find your fucking worms and bag them.

I don't like that frame of thought. Yeah. Do y'all want to hear some eyewitness accounts from Bristol, England? Of course. Yeah, this is Bristol, by the way. They're the ones that are being plagued with the seagull attacks. Okay, with drunken seagulls. One said, talking about the poop that the seagulls are leaving all over the place.

It looks like Henry Zabrowski shit. I had to clean it off again. Okay, the seagull situation is out of control in the Bedminster and Waterfront area. It looks like Henry Zabrowski shit. I had to clean it off again. Okay. The seagull situation is out of control in the Bedminster and waterfront area. Every other day, I'm having to clean seagull mess from my car. I had to clean it off again this morning, and my girlfriend and I carry a water bottle in cloth solely for this purpose. Oh, my girlfriend. My girlfriend.

My three-year-old nephew was covered in gull mess just over a month ago. In gull mess? I like that. Oh, my. That's great. Watching too much Lord of the Rings, this guy. You got to grow up sometime, kid. I just imagine a three-year-old just covered in bird shit.

Oh, yeah. It'll be a fun little prank because if you bleach your own shit and then claim it's bird shit and just throw it on someone's car. Jesus Christ, look at these birds. I guess these birds must have went does some kind of lamb dinner? Nine pound turd fucking loop over on that goddamn monster over there Was that a huge talking hairy bird? Just figuring out what Ed and Henry are going to do as old men. Another one says,

We are inundated with seagulls in Clifton Village, not even near the coast. They're very noisy day and night, a real pest. I work off Feeder Road in Bristol. There are lots down there, and they have been nesting on top of the industrial units. I'm pleased to say quite a few of the chicks didn't make it. That's horrible.

Why did you say that? You said it so happy. The babies are dying. The babies are dead. Because the parents are too drunk to take care of them. They're fetal alcohol birds. They're all dying. It's amazing.

These are drunken fetal alcohol birds. That's what makes Chicken McNuggets. I'm pretty sure. I think it is. That's the big paste. It's all drunken baby fetuses. Bird fetuses. Fetal alcohol birds.

Interesting. Yeah, check it out, Marcus. Is it a thing? It's like your phantom. It's like the bat cave. I agree. You know, fetal alcohol birds, they must exist. And these children.

It's like Charles Manson's birds. It's birds with big foreheads. What is it? Big foreheads and squinty eyes. That's fetal alcohol birds, they must exist. And these children... Yeah, it's like Charles Manson's birds. Birds with big foreheads. What is it? Big foreheads and squinty eyes. That's fetal alcohol syndrome, right? Yeah, with eyes on the side of their face like deer. Right, eyes on the side of their face like deer and big foreheads. Yeah, I grew up with a girl with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I did, too. It was quite disturbing. Yeah, was she cool? Was she, like, fun and smart and cool? She definitely gave him a blowjob. Their secret. Oh, did she blow you, Marcus? Did she blow you, Marcus?

Did she work at Jamba Juice? Yes or no? She looked like a frog on the other side of her head. And that's why we were enemies. So she wasn't like the valedictorian in her high school? She wasn't like Marcus, you're uncool? I was valedictorian. I mean, it's not.

Really? Yeah. You were the smartest kid in your school? There was 11 kids in his class. Whoa Really? Yeah. You were the smartest kid? There was 11 kids in his class. The only reason he was the smartest kid, he could count all

the fucking nipples on a cow udder. Yeah, I got my first year of school paid for. It was sweet. That's amazing. Wow.

Did you get out with like a 3.2? 3.7. Wow. You were the valedictorian with a 3.7? I mean, it's not

even a 4.0. Usually there's a competition with people who are like 4.1. It's like, how'd you get that.1? Like, what did you have to do? But in Texas, it's like 3.7.0. Usually, there's a competition with people who are like, 4.1. It's like, how'd you get that.1? Like, what did you have to do?

But in Texas, it's like 3.7. It's like a 96 or something like that. That there's an airplane. That there's a tree. That's grass. That there's a car. That's it. I thought that was one of the best valedictorian speeches we never had here.

We never had here in Texas. You best take them eggs out the shell before you make scrambled eggs. Oh, I never thought about it. Never thought about it. Oh, he's good. Oh, he's good. I had a lot of fun. That's great.

I can't believe you're a Valedictorian. I was dead last in my class. Me and all of my brothers, all of us, we were all Valedictorian. Yeah, I was number 644 out of 646 in my high school. Really? Oh, yeah. Like in the good way or... I'm going to say the good way. That was too cool to be good

in school. But Jackie was great in school, right? I was very good in school. You were also addicted to Adderall. She's a maniac! Maniac on the floor! I'm dead on the inside. You got an Adderall addict to shut up? No way.

I'm too fat to be an Adderall addict right now. You can get on it, Jackie. Get back on it. Yeah, I get back on it. I get in. Yeah, I believe in you. Thanks, Henry. All right, so are they just going to murder all these drunk birds?

They're not going to do anything about it. They're just waiting for the hot summer to dissipate so they stop eating all the fucking ants. Because the ants, that's what's making them sick. It sounds like we're missing the point of the fucking problem here. I think that the globe is making birds drunk. The globe? We need to start thinking about chemtrails.

You want to get started on some chemtrails? I'm trying to see who's responsible for 9-11. I know what you want to say and you're not allowed to. You can't. I'm done with you. I'm cutting you off, Micah. I love you. We'll get married,

but I'm done with you. All right. One more story before we get to the second. Tree bar! No! God, you're making so much work for me.

Convinced that a neighbor spoke to others about her having sex with a cat, an Oklahoma woman allegedly threatened the man with a knife, saying, quote, Do you want to die? According to an Oklahoma City Police Department report, Morrison, who is the woman in question. Not the cat. Not the cat. No, Morrison is actually the old man in question. He told a cop that Brown had been standing at the fence between their houses yelling,

Come outside! I know you're in there! With a small pocket knife in hand, Brown then repeatedly asked, Do you want to die? When police questioned Brown, the woman, she explained she was upset with Morrison, a 72-year-old man. His name is Elmer Morrison. And it's the oldest name that you can have. It really is.

She was upset with him, quote, because of what he did to me. When a cop asked what he did to her, she replied, showed me his glue. She replied, because everyone knows. Oh my goodness. That is great. If your name is Elmer and you come all over a chick,

I'll give you my stinky. You're glued. That's so stupid. Sorry, Marcus. Here's your towel. You're glued. And it's just when you fucking come all over a chick, only if your name is Elmer.

And the money's in the dresser. Yeah, sure. There you go. These are pennies and quarters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When a cop asked what are pennies and quarters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When a cop asked what he did to her, she replied,

because everyone knows. She then said, I had sex with my cat and everyone knows. So she's questioning... What can I fucking do now? If you rub a cat on your own vagina,

is that technically scissoring? I mean, two pussies. Oh, yeah, I get it. Woo! No. I'm rubber brother you're fucking glued new shit that's my new car you can't even blame that on the heat henry you're just fucking terrible you're unglued let's a puzzled cop asked brown what role morrison had in the cat sex she replied that her next door neighbor had no connection to the act, saying that she was, quote,

just mad because everyone knows. But if this chick is so this... Wait, what did she do? Shove a tail up there? I guess she shoved the tail into the mouth. She does not get specific. Or is it a man cat? Why isn't she denying it?

Well, that's the major... Because everyone knows! The cat's not talking! How does everybody know? The cat didn't tell people to see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She put dollar bills at her when she did it. We've been doing it on our porch for fucking six months.

This cat smells like pussy. Am I right? I agree. Does it count if you put, like, like, like, peanut butter on your clit and it just licks it off? Oh, that counts, yeah! He got those sandpaper tongues, though.

No, that doesn't count! That would feel fun. You think that would feel good, Jax? Yeah. Why? If there's peanut butter there. That would help with the sandpaper tongue if it has peanut butter on it? I don't think the sandpaper tongue's gonna work. Sounds like someone picked the physical challenge!

The game show canceled immediately from Nickelodeon. Yeah, put it on. Yeah Yeah now get whiskers over there You know what I think we're going to go with Mark Summers double dare I do really enjoy your pussy looking You know what's so weird I don't even really like peanut butter Okay

We're just going to have to slowly remove you from the meeting But anyway so The kitty was eating her pussy We're assuming this Okay so she's fucking a kitty remove you from the meeting. But anyway, so the kitty was eating her pussy. We're assuming this. Okay, so she's fucking a kitty. Is that technically scissoring? That's what we were just talking about. That's what I thought. I just made that fucking joke. I just made that joke.

You said that my joke was bad and I did it. 70,000 friends. My joke was so amazing. So did she... Cats have a pronged penis, don so amazing. So, cats have a pronged penis, don't they? No, they're a pronged penis. You're thinking of Satan.

Yeah, the devil. Actually, cats' penises are barbed. Yeah, they're barbed. Why do you need a barbed penis? So they can't fucking run away. That's all things that cats fight. It hurts for them to fuck because when you go in and it has guard hairs on their dick, in order to get it so they can shoot enough of their fucking black cat semen up inside

the fucking cat uterus. Wait, is the semen black? I get it. It's just the cat. I mean, the semen's black. The semen, even from a white cat? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. Because I didn't want to get racially insensitive. If it sprayed all over the thing, you'd be like, who here's mending the street? Interesting. Okay, those are five of the Zabrowski facts. You know how they say it's like herding cats? Impossible to do? Fucking a cat's pretty similar.

Can't keep it still for very long. I mean, fucking a cat and keeping it as your pet, because most of the time, if you fuck a cat, you're going to disturb its infrastructure. Yeah, definitely. Well, investigators reported that Brown said Morrison does not know what she did with the cat. She's just mad at him and wants him to die. In an interview, Morrison, a retired...

So wait, the woman fucking the cat is crazy, yes or no? Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes. Oh, yeah. Well, Morrison said that Brown sometimes appeared glassy-eyed and hung out with a crowd that assembled near a local head shop. Okay. Interesting.

Meatheads don't fuck cats. They definitely don't. Probably not. I saw that in Reefer Madness, the scene where that lady goes around fucking all the cats. That's right. I love that scene. In an interview, Morrison,

when asked what his statements were regarding this woman, he said, This is news to me. I don't know what's going on. Interesting. You said he had a little interaction with Brown, who has lived next to him for several years. She probably fingered it's asshole.

Is that how you fuck a cat? I guess so, because they're always showing you their assholes. But why would everybody know? Isn't the cat fucking her? How is the cat fucking her? You've got a cat, even if it's a male cat, let's say. Let's say its tail is like the perfect shape and size, though.

You shave its tail, yeah. Dip it in there. You shave it? You would have to. You can't have a hair in it. You jerk it off until it gets good and hard, then you sit on it. Jerk off its tail? Yeah, but why don't you just take it and rub it against your vagina, and then it's like scissoring.

take it and rub it against your vagina and then it's like scissoring. God, that's a great joke, Jackie. I made that joke earlier. I made that joke earlier. No, I think I was the first one to make it. Oh, you were the first one to make it? I swear to God I made that joke earlier. I love that joke so much.

It's like scissoring. Oh, yeah. That's a funny joke too, Henry. You're holding it. Oh, I get it. I'm sorry. I've got a new favorite website. All right, what is that?

It's called isitnormal.com. No. Okay. The question that is asked, I want to have sex with my cat. No. Is it normal? Here's what the man says. A few weeks ago, I was home alone, jacking off.

I had my eyes closed. You like to call it jacking off. That's so much grosser with jacking off. It is really gross. Jerk it off. Is it jerking off? It's chewing off. Please.

I agree. I was chewing off to a porno movie. I'd rather chew it off. I had my eyes closed because I was having some kind of fantasy in my head. All of a sudden, I felt a small tongue on my cock. Sure enough, it was my cat. It wasn't the woman that you didn't have at your house.

I was disgusted at first, but for some odd reason, it started to turn me on. I let the cat lick all over my cock. It felt really good. I'm literally nauseous. This is what killed the beer drinking guy. He drank a bunch of I let the cat lick all over my cock. It felt really good. I'm literally nauseous. That's disgusting. This is what killed the beer drinking guy.

He drank a bunch of beers and then someone told him this story. He vomited everywhere and died. Yeah, it wasn't the beer at all. I kept wanking and she kept licking. That was a dear penthouse. I didn't think it would happen to me. Out of nowhere, I exploded and blew my load on her face. Out of nowhere.

Out of your car. She got glued. Oh, give me a break. She been glued. And the weird thing is, she seems to enjoy it. Crazy glued. It's happened numerous times since then. Oh, the cat whisperer here understands feline emotions now. It takes every ounce of self-restraint that I have not to grab her

and ram my dick up her ass. I have a serious problem. How can I stop? You gotta kill yourself. Does anyone else enjoy this? Send me an email. He doesn't want to know if it's normal. He wants to know if other people enjoy it.

Yeah, that's the thing. What's the answer? The first comment is, I've never had a cat. Now I feel like I've been missing out. Frowny face. This whole website is skewed. 54% of people say normal. 54% say normal.

What fucking website? What world are we living in? I said yes. 2,500 votes. Wait a second. Wow. This is why we can't have a democracy. We can't have views on some of our videos.

Marcus, you think it's normal to fuck a cat, and I can't talk about goddamn Trayvon Martin? It's different. Yeah, it is different. My opinions on fucking a cat have no bearing on the sociopolitical environment of America. That's true. I mean, everyone's fucking cats.

This is why democracy doesn't work. All right, time for a segment from Whole Big Daily. Yeah, let's do it. Well, I have to say right here and now, it is Ben and Micah's birthday. Uh-oh. What happened, Marcus? Oh, my God. A ghost just almost wanted beer in Marcus's penis.

What do you mean, Jackie? My beer can just moved a good foot from the middle of the table over to me. Was there a poltergeist? No. And it stopped right in the end. No, it was very hard science behind it. Yeah, no, it's just water. It's just water. But it was fun to watch because I really thought it was good.

I didn't know if he saw it because I can't see Marcus. So I was just hoping it was going to just fall onto him. Such an evil bitch. Marcus farts. That's great. I love Marcus farts. A great sinner never grow up strong. Oh, that's awesome.

So it's Ben and Mike's birthday and so we are going to come up the rest of us with a party for them. A joint birthday party. Here we go. There better be joints. Marcus is a multimillion-dollar party planner. He's going to go with the best idea.

I will start. This party has a title. It's called the King and Queen of Drinking. One year and one day. We're going to get 53 bottles of whiskey. We're going to put them on a table. Everyone's going to stand around them in a big circle right or mikey and i married and in love and we're in love yes absolutely you have to be it's your birthday birthday friends is that the term i don't know

um and we're gonna watch them drink 53 bottles of whiskey help them hold their hair back when they puke you know all that kind of stuff but But we're not going to leave until it's done. But it has to happen within 24 hours. And then they will be crowned the king and queen of drinking. It's going to be like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Absolutely. Which scene? The one where she's drinking, when Marion's drinking with that man woman.

Oh, with the Ewoks. Yeah, the giant man woman. Ewoks. And these are not the droids you're looking for. And at the end, Kat is eating a chick's pussy, is that considered cis already? Yeah! Pussy on pussy! Two friends.

I have one. That was your party, Holden? We're just drinking a bunch of whiskey together? We're gonna watch you guys drink whiskey. Wait, if we're the king and queen of drinking, do we die like ten minutes later? Maybe. Alright, great. I mean, if they're gonna drink 53 bottles of whiskey in 24 hours, they're going to die. Oh, yeah.

23 bottles? I mean, they're going to die after three bottles. I don't like it. Can I weigh in? No. No. No. Mark's not up to you.

Mark is up to us. It's Micah's and I's party. I mean, you're attending the party, but... He's the multi-million dollar... I think we should let the multi-million dollar party planner... Yeah, how much money do you have to throw a party right now? I don't have any, but I don't love the idea, though, because I do die, so I would just like to say that. I mean, I don't want you to die.

I'm not saying I'm picking the party. Thank you. You're welcome. I have one. I have one. It's called the Clown Horse Festival Birthday Party. I like it already. Micah and Ben ride two elderly clowns around a rodeo field like they are horses.

Ah, yes. Right? Ride them and ride them and ride them and ride them and ride them. I see it. Until either, I mean, when they're done. You know what I mean? Wink, wink, wink, wink. When the horses are done.

Yeah. And then it's just hookahs and White Castle. White Castle pyramids. White Castle, huh? Yeah. Okay. All right. Foie gras milkshakes.

And then they get married on the beach in a beachside wedding ceremony by a guy dressed up like Adolf Hitler. I like the guy. Half the family will be thrilled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine. Of course, that's my half.

Yeah, clown horse festival birthday party. I love it. That's the one to beat. That's the one to beat right there, guys. I just want to go to that birthday party. Yeah, yeah. That's the problem now. I kind of...

Yeah, we're all riding clowns like they're horses. Oh, man. How old are the clowns? 60, 70. Yeah, that's the problem now. I kind of... Yeah, we're all riding clowns like they're horses. Oh, man. How old are the clowns? 60, 70. Yeah. How about... I've already got clowns in mind. What?

I want an 85-year-old. Whatever. We'll have a whole... We can all ride them, though, right? Which is a big, fat one. Yeah, we're all riding them. Yeah. Yeah, I better be able to ride a clown.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. How much money is a party like this? Let's get some numbers together. I mean, like this, because, I mean, as you said, like, clank, clank, clank,

when the clowns are done, I mean, we're going to have to farm these fellas a little bit, right? Well, you tell them how much money you... You tell... You can tell them anything.

Be like, oh, we're going to pay you... Destination birthday. You just got to go to the right part of the world. No, it's not about us. See, but these old people, you get them, we'll be like, hey,

we'll toss you $50,000 a piece to be a horsey for the day, right? They have dementia. Who gives a fuck? Exactly. I'll do it for $20. You're marrying me. I'd appreciate it if you could horse out.

We're going to need money to begin our life together. I'm thinking here about venues. How do you feel about Baltimore? I was kind of picturing Sydney's Opera House, but... What the woman wants, the woman gets. She is the bride. That's right. I got no saying.

I just want her to be happy and lose for the night. Well, you got to go somewhere with a rodeo rink. Because that's very important. What do you think about Texas? Madame? Yeah. Yeah? All right.

That's good. All right. We'll have it. Corpus Christi. It's a beautiful coastal town. They've got some rodeo rinks there. That's what I'm saying. All right.

Well, you'll get married in Galveston. Ah. You know how many weddings work in Galveston? Yeah. I have four. May the drinks be as brown as the sea. I just can't imagine the costumes they would wear. I just want mine to have a really tiny hat on that's too small.

I want mine to not have any pants on. Oh, yeah, definitely. No, none of them have pants on. You got such a tiny dick horse clown. Yeah, we'll make him get hard for us. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's how hard you can get? Get harder. These are World War II veterans.

They're going to die like soldiers. We also have Nazi... In the fucking dirt. Yeah, that's true. It's a theme wedding. I don't have to participate here. Everyone customizes their own clown. Right.

Mine's called Droopy. Everyone customizes their own clown. Right. Mine's called Droopy. I'm going to customize mine. Mine's called Face Tattoo. Mine's called Nail Gun. Oh, God. That just said shivers on my spine. I ended up a little bit. A clown called Nail Gun showed up at the party.

Hey, hey. This is Nail Gun. We're some fucking kids. We're the kills. I made a bunch of balloons. Hey, Mom. Where's the clown? Where's some fucking kids. I need a bunch of balloons. Hey, Mom, where's the clown? Where's the clown? I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Mom, never mind. Never mind, Mom. We don't want a clown. I promise you, 60 bucks, here's 100. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out. My clown's called Linda the Brat. God.

All right. That's disgusting. All right, Jackie, what's your party? Are we still going? That wins. I want a clown named Droopy with a tiny hat on. I want to be hard as the wind. Eddie, can you beat clown festival horsey time?

I don't know if I can beat it, but my party will still be fun. I'm sure it will be. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I'm going to put you guys on a boat. All right? I'm going to send it out to sea. That's great.

She can't run away from me at sea. That's it. That's it. That's it. I love it. Oh, I love it. Can Eddie win? I'm telling you.

I get to swing in the middle of the ocean. She's done. Her life is over. You think that cat had a bad life. Holy Christ. It's going to get sad. I mean, I'll have the time of my life. I mean, one hand, we're

rid of you. Yeah, you're done with me. I'm out in the middle of the ocean doing God knows what to God knows who, my wife. You know, so I'm allowed to. On the other hand, clown horsey festival. The rest of us don't get to go to the clown horse festival. Yeah, none of us.

You know what I'm thinking? Nothing. No, here's what I'm thinking. Clown Horse Festival birthday. You're talking to a valedictorian, ma'am. Hey, 3.7 GPA. Here's what we go. Here's what we do.

Clown Horse Festival birthday party. My 31st birthday party. These two motherfuckers are going on the boat. Yay! All right. I'll take it. Bye-bye, birthday brothers. That's great.

I don't know how to fish. We're going to die very soon. Very excited. All right, everybody. Well, that's been the round table. Oh, God, that's disgusting. What are you doing, Ed? He's been sitting

in his fucking pocket. Oh, this is, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Larson just whipped out, he just whipped out from his pocket Lady Linda's original dunking sticks. Should we call Lady Linda the Bratz?

Lady Linda the Bratz original dunking sticks. He's put three candles in the dunking sticks. They've been marked down three times. Can we play Deutschland über alles over this? They are 75 cents. I think originally they were supposed to be $1.50. They were $1.25. Oh, no, the candles were $1.25. Oh, no, the candles were $1.25.

Yeah, no, the food is $0.75. I don't think that's good when the candles are more expensive than the food. We sing a happy birthday? Yeah. All right, very nice. Thank you so much, Ed. Happy birthday to you. Hi, hi, hi.

Happy birthday to you. Hey, Satan. Happy birthday, Satan. My God. My God. Thank you. Happy birthday to you. Yeah.

Thank you so much. I love you guys. You're my best friends of all time. Fucking happy birthday. All right. All right. All right. All right.

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