The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 158: All of the Buttocks

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a study finds Budweiser sends more people to the ER than any other alcoholic beverage, a boy in Africa gets his buttocks eaten by a chimp, and a 12 year old wrestles a gator into submission, saving a local elder. Joining us today: Amber Nelson and Danny Jolles!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. All right, so we're going to start this off silently. Ready to go? Yeah, Marcus, you're great. Today, we're going to do

a motivational prayer. Alright, good. This is a prayer for emotional healing. Alright, very nice. When insecurity hits me like a raging wind, be with me Father Satan. That's nice. When doubt strikes me like lightning raging wind, be with me, Father Satan. That's nice. When doubt strikes me like lightning, remind me of truth.

When fear overpowers me, hold me in your wing, great dragon. Oh, that's sweet. If pain grabs me like a claw, heal me with your mighty power. When depression fills me like water in a well, shower my soul with joy, beautiful peacock angel. Well, it would give more water to the well, wouldn't it? I don't understand. Alright. I'm just saying it's a false analogy. It's a bad analogy. If anxiety creeps through my mind and takes over

my thoughts, place me on solid ground. When I think that I am not good enough, make my spirit shine as a star, wise serpent. If I feel that it is too hard to go on, give me strength. Hail Satan. That was actually motivational and encouraging. I feel that it's too hard to go on, give me strength. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. That was actually motivational and encouraging.

I thought that we could all use a pick-me-up. Welcome to the motivational and encouraging roundtable yet, everybody. Who's sitting around at this roundtable? Jackie Zabrowski. I'm a fat mouse living in a tiny house today. Oh, really? What happened? Really sad.

When did your house get so tiny? I don't know. Probably like the day I was fucking born. I've been really fat for a long time. And my house too small. You were celebrating your birthday yesterday and now you're a little hungover. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, Jackie.

Thank you, guys. Thank you. Happy birthday. It was Kevin's birthday too, apparently. But no one gives a fuck. No one cares, yeah. Last week, man. Yeah, birthday. It was Kevin's birthday too, apparently. But no one gives a fuck. No one cares, yeah. Last week, man. Yeah, apparently. It was Jackie's birthday. Everybody stayed in. Yeah, but it was more

my birthday than it was his birthday. Isn't that interesting? You guys both had birthdays, but then only people are talking about Jackie's birthday. No, it's fine, man. It's fine, man.

I didn't know black people had birthdays. They don't. We just appear, man. Well, they don't get presents, that's for sure. Yeah, we just kind of appear and we're mad already. That's fine. That's how it. We just appear, man. Well, they don't get presents, that's for sure. Yeah, we just kind of appear, and we're mad already. That's funny.

That's how it is, dude. I'm Ed Larson. Holder McNeely, and I just want to get rid of some of those Facebook rumors out there. I am not retarded, ladies. It's been a bit of a weird week with that, but yeah, getting some PMs on that. But, you know, if you want me to go see a doctor to prove to you all that I'm not, I am not retarded. You've had some private messages accusing you of retardation? Yeah, I guess it's going around with some of the ladies, some of the more attractive ladies.

Yeah, and I just want to say again for the third time, I am not retarded. You're not. You heard it here first. You've got to stop chasing after trucks, man. Yeah, I think it's some of those actions have put me in a bit of a bind with some of the more attractive ladies on Facebook. Yeah. And of course, people think, oh, Ed's making a joke.

It's retards chase after trucks. Holden has a child dressed as a vampire and would chase after cars. Yeah, chase after cars that pass my house. Which is true. But that doesn't make me retarded. It does, but okay. But if they're truly attractive women, they could be spam bots. That's true. But that doesn't make me retarded. It does, but okay. But if they're truly attractive women, they could be spam bots. That's true, that's true.

They could just be spam bots calling you retarded. I sent them some dick pics and they got offended, so I think it was real women. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true. You want to retard? I'll show you retard. Yeah, yeah, you want to see a retard, I'll show you my dopey retard right now. And I draw a little face on him. And yeah, send it out. That's what you I'll show you my dopey retard right now. And I draw a little face on him. And yeah, send it out.

That's what you call your cock, the dopey retard? Yeah, the dopey retard. Just because I do that doesn't make me fucking have a syndrome of sorts or something. Yeah, retards are strong. Yeah, exactly. I'm small and weak. I feel like retards usually have big dicks, too. Oh, yeah. So that's how you prove that you're not a retard.

Exactly. So I shoot that over. Exactly. My tiny, dumb, dopey retard. It's ironic it's called the dopey retard when it's so tiny and weak. But in reality, retards tend to be big and strong. It drools a lot. That's why I call it that.

Oh, okay. Sure. That's fine. Oh, yeah. Kevin Barnett, man. That's me, man. Ice cream cake millionaires. That's my team.

Not bad. If you had a bad experience with ice cream cake, you bought some and then you put it in the refrigerator. Yeah, I may have made some mistakes, man. Everyone knows that you go in the freezer. Yeah, I may have been drinking, man. I was drinking a little bit. Dropped a lot of money on this cake, man.

It's gone now. You're not retarded at all. We got Amber Nelson, Roundtable favorite. Hey, everybody. Hi, Amber. I had a retarded kid hump. We got Amber Nelson, Roundtable favorite. Hey, everybody. Hi, Amber. Hey. I had a retarded kid hump me in a pool one time at church. Oh, yeah.

I think you've told this story before. I love that story. Yeah, yeah. It was real. And nobody helped me. It was in front of all the pastors and all the adults there. And they saw you get violently abused by this retarded child. Yeah, he knocked me under the water, pulled my pants off, pulled my top off.

That's great. Yeah, and then they made me, my aunt who drove me made me stay to show good face. So I had to stick around and keep talking to people afterwards. Retarded kids get away with anything. It's too bad that was before cell phone cameras. It's really amazing. I would love to see that on worldwide hip hop.

How old was the kid? We were all in high school. Oh, high school? Jesus Christ. It's real. It's my first time I moved to that town. I went to a pool party to say hello to people. Go hump the new girl, Bobby.

I'll be good. Oh, that's good. That's pretty great. He was rock hard. Oh, yeah, he's rock hard. That's perfect. Huge cock. I could see that. The, yeah, he's rock hard. That's perfect. Huge cock. I could see that.

The weird thing is he called his cock the Holden McNeely. Big, mean cock, yeah. Yeah, we got a round table. I guess I'll say virgin just for fun. But I don't know if you're not a virgin. I would not assume. You're a very attractive gentleman. Danny, you're jawless.

I remembered it. Danny Jawless. Hey, everyone. Hi. I was going to tell a story, and I was just going to say, with your ice cream cake thing, Jollis I remember Danny Jollis hey everyone hi I was going to tell a story and I was just going to say with your ice cream cake thing I do like a birthday show

or used to and I had to buy my own cake for it for the show it's fucking sad and they when they the guy was like oh whose birthday is it

and I was like it's mine and he just looked at me so sadly and then gave me one of the cakes for free. It's so terrible. I should do that just when I want a cake randomly.

Buy a birthday cake for myself. Maybe I can have it for free. If you can really sad it up, people will give you all sorts of stuff. After hearing that story, do you want to apologize to Amber for humping her in the pool? You all handled that story so well. I was having like a panic attack

during that. Amber, what would you do if you saw that retarded kid face to face right now walking down the street? Oh, I've seen him afterwards. He's bagging groceries

at Winn-Dixie. Oh, is he bagging groceries? He's bagging groceries now. That's perfect. And he's like, I can say, hello, Barrett. And he's like,

hello. I'm a dude. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Oh, man. All right, I'm Ben Gissel. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's our first story today?

This is from Kevin. A truck driver has accidentally shot off his own penis. Oh, that'll happen. What kind of gun? Geronimo Narciso had been... What? Geronimo Narciso? Geronimo Narciso...

That's amazing. ...had been drinking with friends in the Philippines when he produced his gun and fired it twice into the air. He was tucking the gun into his waistband after his friends implored him to put it away when it fired into his crotch. The 37-year-old was rushed to a nearby hospital where he died. He died.

Damn. Shot to the dick kills you, huh? He probably hit the femoral artery in the thigh. Oh, okay. Definitely killed this guy. I mean, I guess if your friend's shooting a gun up in the air, you just let him keep on going until that thing's out of bullets, right? Oh, yeah.

It's the Philippines. What was he going to shoot? What happened to old Geronimo? Well, you know, he shot his dick off. Oh, that's funny. Oh, he died. Yeah. He probably lived, but then the doctor was like,

hey, you're going to not have a penis again ever. And he's like, kill me. It's like a gunshot wound to the head. Yeah. Yeah, he lost his little hold of McNeely. Also, if you live, every single person you meet is going to be like, why are you walking with a lamp? It's like, I shot my dick off.

Oh, that's so cool. Yeah, that's the thing. 50 Cent would not be nearly as cool if one of those bullets that ran through his body shot off his dick. You can't rap after that. I don't think I could live without a cock. It makes me cum. Yeah. The cock makes you cum?

Yeah. Not like the woman? You'd have to go. Yeah. I'd have to just go pass on to the other side where hopefully they have some kind of like holy dick. So you just like jack off to pictures of your cock? Yeah.

Well, no. I don't have to look at pictures of it because I'm looking at it while I'm jerking it off. But you don't fantasize about anybody else like sucking on it or nothing? I think about like big machines, like robots taking over cities. Right, right, right. That's good. That's a good futuristic jack-off sesh.

Like sort of, yeah, big metal faces breathing fire at buildings. Oh, I see. Sounds like you went to a couple of monster truck rallies as a child and had interesting

bathroom experiences. Yeah, yeah. Those bathrooms are weird. Make sure you get on the truck at that point. You're watching the gravedigger fucking truck just smash a bunch of cars and hold it just

like jacking off to all the cars getting smashed. Dude, to get real for a second, has anybody been to Monster Truck? No, I want to go there. You have? Yeah. How was it, man? Was it cool? Dude, Truckasaurus was there.

It was fucking awesome. I'd go in a second, man. It's the best time you'll ever have your whole life. Yeah, yeah, right? What are you? Imagine getting to go today. We can get wasted and it would be so much more fun I think

What the fuck are we doing here I have no fucking clue We are seriously slipping I've never been there That shit's been my dream I'd ask my mom Claudette Barnett's Always hating on all my dreams

Wouldn't let me go That's ridiculous Yeah That's sad and tragic Medieval times Or a monster truck rally Medieval times is amazing But I kind of have to say

Monster truck rally Everyone's so trashy And hammered Yeah Oh man People just getting hit Monster Truck Rally. Medieval Times is amazing, but I kind of have to say Monster Truck Rally. Everyone's so trashy and hammered. Yeah. Oh, man. People just getting hit in the stands. Are people, like,

smoking joints and shit in the stands? I imagine. I don't know. I was so young. You're probably good with all the exhaust and fumes from the cars.

You can smoke anything you want. You're probably doing meth. I highly doubt that they're smoking weed. I mean, possibly. Do you guys have, like, a Monster Truck Rally memory? Like, anything that sticks out from that experience?

Definitely Truckasaurus. Because the whole time you're just waiting for them because they build it like, at the rally, Truckasaurus. Does it transform into a robot dinosaur? What's the deal? It comes out and they bring all of the lights down. It's just sort of a, like it's a long

type thing that comes out. It slithers out. Again, are we talking about Holden's droopy dick here? Sounds terrifying. The lights definitely get turned off right before it comes out, yeah. And then it transforms and comes upright and then it picks up a car and it eats it and then blows fire out its nose. Yes! It's fucking incredible.

Danny, what were you going to say? I was going to say, has anyone here ever been to a demolition derby? No, man! I went to one. It's all this shit I need to go to. You've been to one, Kissel? I was at one once. Yeah, they're a great time.

Yeah, it's a little disappointing near the end. Starts off amazing. You're going to want to know the cars are going to get beat up, and by the end they're kind of like bumping each other. They don't really work anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But up top, incredible. So what does it go till one car is still standing?

One car running. One car running. Literally just running. That's it. Who are these dudes inside the cars? That's what makes it awesome is that for a lot of these, at least in good old Virginia, where I'm from, you can just enter. Like, these are just...

Wow. That's the same thing in Wisconsin. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's just... So some of them went in going in forward, which is not how you want to do that. So they got knocked out early but got epically beat up. What's the strategy? Oh, but the woman blew them.

You want to go in back. You want to try to hit people with your back. Oh, so you're not fucking up your engine. Exactly. Put the engine in the back. Oh. Put the engine in the back. That's how we win.

Yeah, but then it hurts you. That's brilliant. Isn't also part of it is that you have a whole back of a car protecting you? Yeah, but I mean your car is going to end up squished. What happens when you lose? Do you just sit in your car and wait until it's over? Or do you try to run across the field? Well, your wife definitely divorces you.

She doesn't want to be with no loser. Yeah, you have to run off and then deal with the sadness of losing the demolition derby. They get real drunk. I'm fairly certain, because I got backstage because one of my dad's friends was doing it and I'm fairly certain they were drinking before they raced. I only had to.

Oh yeah. They just get trashed and race around. But the shitty thing is they race around in mud which makes it all go fairly slow. Yes.

I would like it to be a little bit quicker. I'm surprised they never did a demolition derby but like with horses. Oh yeah. Just have them bump

into each other like that. Just fucking go into town on each other. That would, just have them bump into each other like that. Just fucking go into town on each other. That would be incredible. Probably back in the olden days. Yeah, probably.

Where they just like dudes on horseback with like full metal like gear breathing fire out of their metal faces. Hoofing at each other. Yeah.

With the back of the horse. You have to leave with the back of the horse. Right. You want to try to get the horse to shit on the other horse's face

temporarily blinding it. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Well, that's kind of what a joust is. Just running two horses against each other. But I'm talking about just a circle arena, fucking 10, fuck it, 20 horses, dudes on the back of them just charging at each other all at once. I think the key is you don't feed the horses for like a week before. Right.

So they want to eat the other horses. Yeah, they're just insane. That would be sick to have like a giant robot horse that comes out, slithers out, and just grabs the horse and eats it. That would be fucking perfect. That would be crazy. That would be amazing.

I would absolutely love that. So the friends of this guy must feel pretty bad for asking him to put his gun away, huh? Well, they implored him. Yeah. Please, sir. I implore you, put your nine away. Well, his family, Geronimo's family says

that he did not carry a weapon and they suspect foul play. Although police have said there is no foul play whatsoever, they found a pistol with four live ammunitions and one spent shell near the area. I mean, it is a telepathy.

If you shoot your dick off, you're not going to keep holding that gun. That's the last thing you think about. You got no dick. Also, I bet he was really annoying because I imagine with that name, probably everywhere you go, you kick down the door and you scream Geronimo! Exactly. You'd have to.

It's hilarious twice. He's got to live with it his whole life. It's a sad way to go. That's why they'd be happy. be happy it's like good i'm glad he fucking chopped his own goddamn dick off how many times have you said that in your life jackie eight times i mean i guess none of his friends wanted to apply pressure to the wound perhaps that's what killed him you know if you shoot your dick off that's just gonna be a tough one to tell your buddies to hold on to. I mean, hell, he didn't die at the hospital. He died on the way

to the hospital. He was pronounced dead on arrival. He just bled all that through his cock, huh? Yeah, I guess they waited a while to call the cops. I guess so.

If you had to laugh for a while, then realize it's a very serious incident. I guess that's one thing that women, you can never shoot your dick off, Amber.

That's kind of a nice feeling. I could shoot my tits off. No. That would be fun. Yeah, I could shoot them off. How could you shoot your tits off? Maybe with a shotgun. Yeah, with a shotgun.

Off to the side. Or, yeah, off to the side, or just put the gun and the holster the opposite way down. I don't think there's ever been a story where a woman shot her tits off. I can try to find one. Yeah, yeah.

We'll see if it's possible. Google image search that. Yeah, Google image woman shoots tits off. You got to Google breasts. They're not going to put tits in a news story. Yeah, the angle would have to be really bizarre. I feel like if you're a dude coming up on a chick, I guess you're not shooting your own tits off, though,

but you could be like, say goodbye to your tits and get the angle in perfectly. You'd have to slide under her point of view and shoot like that. Yeah, double gun. I knew a girl in college that was always

very pretty and got kind of depressed about it then shot her face off, lived, then became a stripper. No face stripper. She had a face

that was like all kind of like sewed together but she was actually very pretty afterwards. She still had the eyes, like these manic really big blue eyes. Oh, so she did a terrible job of shooting her fucking face off.

Yeah, she didn't go up. You're supposed to go up. Right. She just went straight through. She went down. Oh, okay. She went down, yeah. She literally knows nothing about anatomy. Definitely not. She didn't want to die at all. Marcus, any stories with women shooting

their tits off? I have a woman, no. I just found a forum where they asked like, do you ever shoot heroin into your breasts? And one woman said,

yeah. Oh, she does. That's interesting. That is nice. Yeah. Denny, you ever do that? You ever put it in your cock or anything

like that? Heroin? Yeah, sometimes. I think if you've seen me once, you can tell I've experimented. That man's cock is full of heroin. Yeah, you look like a young Raul Julia. Oh, all right. All right.

From Street Fighter. There are ladies out there in the market for you. Insulted or complimented? Come on, Gomez Adams. Come on. Don't, yeah. The Street Fighter, that's an insult. But the Adams family, that's a compliment.

Yeah, he played M. Bison, right? M. Bison? That was his last role. Yeah, that was his last role in the Street Fighter movie, which we watched the other night. And it is fucking bad. It is. It's terrible. I saw it recently, too.

I was like, what the fuck? You don't want to re-watch. That's a key strategy I've learned in my life. But anything you enjoyed as a child, movie-wise, you don't re-watch. It's never going to turn out good. I just want to bully my young self when I see a movie like that. Because I think I did like Street Fighter when I saw it. I just want to call myself a fucking faggot for liking shit like that.

I watched Time Cop like ten times in a weekend once. What? In June. In June of this year. And Time Cop is horrible? Oh, yeah. It's another Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. Right, right.

I was obsessed with... He plays a Time Cop. I was obsessed with Desperado, but that kind of holds up. Desperado's really fun. Yeah, I was obsessed with Demolition Man. Yeah, which... Demolition Man still holds up. Taco Bell's in the Fast Food Wars.

It holds up, but it's shitty great, right? Yeah, no, it's awesome. Good. Good. Did this woman strip her? Did she make some good money? I think so, but she blew it all on meth. She did.

Yeah, I would sit there and watch her do it, and then she'd shake a little bit and be like, you want some? And I was like, no, I'm cool. When, where? That's the best. I just like hanging out. Yeah.

I just like seeing this. Just be my friend. So you knew her before she blew her face off? No, I knew her afterwards. Only afterwards. Only afterwards. Yeah, and I saw pictures of her before. And I know people that knew her before.

And they're like, yeah, she was kind of sweet, very troubled, and very pretty. But just, you know, very troubled. And they're like, yeah, she was kind of sweet, very troubled, and very pretty. Yeah. But just, you know, very troubled and then just blew her brains out. I just keep wanting this story to take a turn to positive in any way.

No, it doesn't. No, I mean, I can't find her on Facebook. Oh, she's got a job. I mean, yeah, she's not on Facebook. Yeah, why would she be on Facebook? It's what we call

an off-the-grid woman. Yeah, she's on no Facebook. Yeah, no Facebook. Facebook. She used to have a pretty Facebook. Yeah, I feel like, Amber, all of your stories are horrifying and difficult. Right? What? All right, Marcus, let's get to another horrifying and difficult story.

Many people who end their Friday or Saturday nights in a hospital emergency room have been drinking alcohol. In fact, public health experts estimate that about one-third of all injury-related ER visits involve alcohol consumption. But when the Hopkins researchers surveyed ER patients who'd been drinking, they found that Budweiser was the number one brand consumed.

Budweiser, yeah. Budweiser, number one forever. King of beers. That's great. Followed by Steel Reserve Malt Liquor. Oh, yeah. Cult 45 Malt Liquor. Yeah.

Bud Ice Malt Liquor. Right. Bud Ice. Bud Light. Oh. And a discount-priced vodka called Barton's. Barton's made the list. Yeah.

Wow. I can't believe a liquor wasn't number one. Wouldn't you think a liquor would be the number one thing that would get you to the hospital? It's what poor people drink. It's the most popular of the booze. That's why Budweiser's number one. You would think that a hard liquor would get you

drunker quicker and would make you go to the hospital faster with alcohol poisoning. Here's an interesting thing. I'm sorry, by the way. I've been sick, so my voice sounds bad. It's fine. You sound great. You sound great. You look bad. Yeah. Yeah, that is true. Gaunt. I feel like a real Kevin Barnett right now. I don't know what you're doing, man.

I'm going to put my sunglasses back on. I made a funny joke. He put them back on. He put his sunglasses back on. You look good, Kevin. Stolen sunglasses he's wearing. You're not stolen? Oh, I stole them. Alright. Yeah. Kevin said he stole them

from a guy and then the guy came back and his sunglasses were gone and he started punching strangers. He just started punching the fuck out, like it was at a party. This is a real story?

Yeah, no, we were at a party and there's a bunch of people in this party. We go outside, we walk like half a block down and there's these sunglasses just sitting on top of a car

and I'm like, oh shit, free sunglasses. That's right. Naturally. We thought somebody, you know, free sunglasses. That's right. Naturally. We thought somebody just forgot them. So I took them and like five minutes later, this dude just comes out. Who the fuck took my sunglasses?

I spent $150 on a sunglass. Then he just starts punching random people. You're wearing $150 sunglasses. Yeah, man. I feel great. Oh, that's incredible. Was he drinking Budweiser? Yeah.

Budweiser. Yeah. Budweiser. Sounds like maybe a Barton's kind of guy. No, it's weird. Like, you know, I think the only times I've injured myself drinking is just when I've been drinking beers only. Yeah. There's something there. Huh.

Yesterday, I'd been drinking. Well, I've been, granted, I've been drinking for probably about 12 hours. And I was just standing in my room, standing there texting somebody and I just fell. I fell over. No stairs or anything? Nothing. Just collapsed. I fell into my keyboard. I almost broke my keyboard and these chairs.

So if you had to explain what happened to a doctor you would just have no explanation. Literally I was just standing there. And I fell down. I forgot how to stand. Oh, man. It's difficult, man. That's great.

Here's some interesting stats about this. Though Budweiser has 9.1% of the national beer market, it represents 15% of the ER market. However, Steel Reserve, it has 0.8% of the market. I love a good Steel Reserve, by the way. But it steel reserve it has 0.8 of the market i love a good steel reserve but it accounts for 14.7 of all er visits involving alcohol that's amazing steel reserve gets you fucking yeah it gets you wasted yeah and they didn't even try to make that thing taste good that's why all these kids are a bunch of pussies with four loco and all that trash steel reserve tastes like a hardcore beer. P-Funk, when I knew them,

they drank Steel Reserve. Oh, that's great. Yeah, they love that shit. That was my drink of choice that whole first year and a half I was in New York, man. Steel Reserve. It's not bad. It's like 50 cents. It's perfect. 30 ounces of high, high

high octane energy and intelligence. 8.3% or something like that. What, they just have it in the bodegas here? I've never had it. Don't start. No, you can have it. I should probably start. It sounds pretty great.

You've got to go to the hospital. You'll go to sleep. Yay, I need sleep. I need more sleep. Hey, Ed, have you ever told your SantaCon story on this show? I don't know. I don't think so. Yeah, you told your SantaCon story about kicking all the people out of the bar?

No. In the ER room? Anyway, I'll tell it. Yeah, tell it. You might want to explain SantaCon. SantaCon is a day when a bunch of people, a bunch of fucking jerk-offs

dress up like Santa Claus and they ruin New York City. Yeah, it sounds like fun in theory. You all dress up like Santa Claus in Bar Crawl, but it's the biggest bunch of fucking pieces of shit and they get hammered and harassed.

I did Santa Con last year. You did? That's right. Yeah, no, I did, man. Some people from high school were doing it, and I was like, all right. You're a douchebag. Nothing's worse than the drunken. Nothing's greater than a son walking with his father during Santa Con, and then his son's like, is Santa Claus real?

And then the father just points to you and says no. No, he's not real. I promise you. Nothing's worse than giving a douchebag liquor and a costume. Oh, it's bad. They just end up like a fucking... They also get insecure because at some point you realize you're wearing a Santa Claus suit and you're drunk and then you just act like a douchebag because you feel like...

Yeah, all types of things happened that day. I did it. I lost my pants. I don't know how you lose... How did that happen? I lost my pants. I remember I had how you lose it. I lost my pants. I remember I had to go. You're falling down just standing and losing pants during SantaCon. I had to

go into a store and buy pants because my pants were gone. I didn't fuck anybody. What do you mean? I just don't know. Did you have them on your legs? You are bad at it, man. I just don't understand how a man loses pants. I think it's the way Kevin tells stories

cause you'll just be like you'll be like when I was in the store and all of a sudden my pants were gone and you leave out there's clearly a middle section of the story

there's a victim involved there's no woman there was no woman shocking pants how can you say that with any sort of assuredness you must have been

in the bathroom I don't know what happened man all I know is I had walked to the store in boxers to buy pants. How the fuck did they let you

in? Well, they knew I needed pants, man. I will guarantee sale. That's an easy sale. If you see a dude coming into your pants store with no pants, you're like, I gotta sale. If I can't sell a pants to that man with no pants,

I'm out of the business. So anyway, so yeah, so you were what? You were working on SantaCon. One of the guys I work with, he went home real late and he got home at like 5am and his roommate's girlfriend shows up at like 5.30 in a Santa suit and she's being all crazy. He's like,

where you been? She's like, oh, you know, he closed down the bar. Just drifting off and he's like, oh, okay, you closed down the bar. Just drifting off. And he's like, oh, okay, you closed down the bar. Well, that was like two hours ago. Where have you been? And she's like, oh, you know, I just walked home. It's a nice night. And then when she turned around, he realizes

the back of her Santa suit was just covered in blood. Oh, that's great. And someone fucking smashed a bottle. Another Santa Claus smashed a bottle over her head. Like, after they started talking longer. What? So he brings her to the hospital, and it's 6.30 in the morning.

He brings her to the hospital, and the entire emergency room is just people dressed like Santa Claus. They got the people roped off who are drinking Budweiser, the scale reserve people. There's just one Santa Claus who shot his dick off.

Fucking love it. I could imagine. You should have taken a picture, man. I would fucking love to. And then they told him he had to delete it because of legal rights. That's ridiculous. Danny, you ever get so drunk you had to go to the hospital or emergency room situation? Nope. I've been to the emergency room once, and it was not.

I was punched. Asthma? No, I got punched in the back of the head. Oh, that was rude. Yeah, it was very rude. Why did he punch you? It's a gang initiation. Oh, really? This is one of my biggest fears. Well, it happened to Henry Ze did he punch you? It's a gang initiation. Oh, really?

This is one of my biggest fears. Well, it happened to Henry Zebrowski, too. That's a gang initiation? Yeah, yeah. My biggest fear is that... Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, he got punched in the back of the head for no reason, and that's why. It's a gang initiation.

What you have to do, I learned, is you have to, because I became a contestant, is you get punched, and then you have to knock the person down in one punch. It's just a complete stranger. You get one punch, you have to knock the person down in one punch. It's just a complete stranger. You get one punch, you have to knock down the person. Oh, well, this actually makes me feel good. They're not going to knock me down with one punch. They get you good enough in the back of the spine. Well, my biggest fear is it's a drive-by situation

and they're like, shoot the biggest guy you see and I'm done. No, they're going to go after me. I was an easy target, but I didn't go down. But then I did have to get four stitches in the back. So the guy didn't even pass the gang initiation. That's good. That's what I thought at first.

You're a tough teacher. No easy ace. But then I thought I'd talk to the guy afterwards, and he was like, that means he has to punch another person. I should have gone down. I didn't know. So if you get punched in the back of the head, if the other person goes down, go down.

Be a gentleman. I should have gone down. I would have gone down if I had known, but I was just so strong that I didn't. No the other person goes down, go down. Be a gentleman. I would have gone down if I had known, but I was just so strong that I didn't. No, you just think it was too weak.

You shouldn't be allowed in that gang. Do they do that to women, too, or do they just rape them? Yeah, it's like a rape. That's a whole different gang initiative. And they play bongo butt with them.

They just play drums on their asses. Yeah. All the women sign waivers, so it's rape, but it's not really rape? Like all rape. Because you signed the waiver. Yeah, of course. It's like going on a water slide.

You know what's going to happen. Yeah, I think it's always appropriate to equate rape with going on a water slide. I don't have a problem with that. And certainly Danny Jollis doesn't have a problem with it. Where were you? Where were you walking around? Brooklyn? I was right in front of the Atlantic Mall. Which is why I...

I tried to go into the Atlantic Mall and tried to get security footage days later. Oh, that didn't happen. They wouldn't let me get it, but I really wanted it. Because I was like, please, it'd be so funny. I would give you the security footage, but then I would have to arrest my own son. So we're just going to let him go.

That's fine. Yeah. That's great. Well, I'm happy you made it out okay. I did make it out okay. It was great. It was a good story in retrospect. It was fun.

It was exciting. The guy asked me whether I remembered what 9-11 was. That was a highlight. Oh, that's awesome. They have to. That's very, very interesting. My doctor's, it was like his first. so first off, you have a head injury. I never knew this, but your head injury, you like get to move to the front of the line.

Yeah. Like there were people bleeding profusely, and they were like, this kid first. It was amazing. Wow. Yeah, yeah. They move you real quick, and then – but when I got in there with my doctor's like second day, he said. It was like second day like working the emergency room.

He was really nervous, and they have to ask you A bunch of questions And he hadn't prepared His questions And so he was like He would literally go like He'd be like Okay Thing in your life What's your mother's name?

Like he would like Look at it And he was like He was like event And then he just went Do you remember what 9-11 was? And I was like Yeah no I got

I was like please You're gonna want You're gonna want to rethink That question When you like Maybe think of a different event. Well, you don't want to be actual truth, but like, oh, that's the day

they took down the imperialist city. I remember that. Because I did the same thing with Nilo. I just went, yeah. And he went, okay, that's a good answer. That's the day the Jews won. Well, we thought you had a... Your brain checks out.

That's great. One time I was in the hospital for my hernia and I had a similar situation. I had a guy training on me. I had a hernia. So this guy, they're like showing him where to grab my balls. It was the worst. He's like, no, no, no, not there.

And he's like, oh my God. Stop this now. It's like the first time your girlfriend goes down on you. You're just like, oh my god! Stop this now! It's like the first time your girlfriend goes down on you. You're just like, okay, this is what you're going to need to know about me and my nuts. That would be good. Like a girl training another girl on a blowjob.

Sure, we could watch it right now. Two blowjobs. Yeah, that's why that would be fun. You get two of them. Yeah, or you get her mother involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A mother-daughter blowjob situation. Yeah or you get her mother involved Yeah yeah yeah A mother daughter blowjob situation Yeah yeah yeah You've seen those videos I have

Yeah Is that what you're into Danny? Well I like to experiment Yeah with the mother daughters We had a friend in college The sextons He wore All he did was wear sweatpants

And he would just play video games all day And he would come in his sweatpants And all he would do He would just come in his sweatpants I don't like that I got associated with him Yeah We called him Uncle. I don't like that. I got associated with him. Yeah. We called him Uncle Jesse.

I don't like that he came to mind. Yeah, his name was Uncle Jesse and he would just come in his sweatpants and all he would watch was mother-daughter porn and I don't know what that meant. On a serious answer, I don't like that. I don't like twins and all that stuff.

I feel like it's too incestuous. It's weird. It's very weird. Yeah, it creeps me out. Yeah, absolutely. Uh-oh, Marcus. I know a dude who, he fucked his ex-girlfriend's mom. That's winning. That's what incestuous. It's weird. It's very weird. Yeah, it creeps me out. Yeah, absolutely. Uh-oh, Marcus. I know a dude who, he fucked his ex-girlfriend's mom.

That's winning. That's what you call winning. I guess so. Yeah, you have the whole family line of winning. I think that's hot and sexy and fun, absolutely. Of course you do. Yeah. I like stepmother porn.

Stepmother porn. So like a stepson fucks his stepmother? No, no, no. A stepmom comes in, fucks the stepdaughter's boyfriend, and then the stepdaughter comes in and says, what's going on here? You know what? I better have sex with him. And she says, I'm going to show you how to do it, little girl.

And then they have a threesome, and it's fantastic. That's gross. A threesome with her daughter? Stepdaughter. Stepdaughter. Stepdaughter. Totally fine. As long as you throw step in front of it, then it's fine.

Totally fine. That feels weird. Yeah. You guys shouldn't be looking at me like this. No, I'm not judging you. That's fine. they had a friend in college Uncle Jesse

yeah Uncle Jesse he works with computers now probably works for the NSA can you imagine how crusty those pants were

oh I can imagine because they made a lot of noise when he walked no they were windbreakers after it yeah exactly

he was just sitting yeah he was just sat there. Was he in the, coming into his pants? We looked at his porno one time. We got into his computer. We just looked at his porn files. This was before Pornhub and all the streaming.

This was like 2002. Yeah, when you had to collect. Yeah, you actually had to do it. It was all mother-father shit. All, no, I mean, mother-daughter. Mother-son. I don't even understand how. We had creepy, hold-me-neely shit.

Yeah. Like, how did y'all stay friends with this dude? Oh, we weren't really friends with him. He just lived. It's college, you know? Yeah, he's forced to be around these weirdos. There was another artist in the house who just pissed in jars and kept them under the sink.

What the fuck kind of place did you live? Where did you go to college? Eric was a very nice guy, though. Where'd you go to college? Oh, Wisconsin. UW Stout, this was that. Every time the guy walks down the hallway, it sounds like he's stepping on a bag of chips. Yeah, exactly.

So you know he's coming. By the way, we're forgetting the fact that this was Ben Kissel in college, so he was doing plenty of fucked up weird shit to add to this. You were the normal one. Shitting on a car. I was shitting on cars and stuff.

Shitting on cars and stuff. That was in elementary school, middle school, and high school. Middle school and elementary school, middle school and high school. All of my entire life. All of your childhood. No, I do it now.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Except now with subway cars. Oh, man. Sometimes you just gotta do it. It'll be fun. Marcus, what story

were we even discussing? We were talking about alcohol. We were talking about the alcohol one and here's one interesting fact is that they did

this study only at one hospital in Baltimore. Oh, it's Baltimore. I'm throwing this out. You don't like the study at all? Yeah, one hospital in Baltimore. I mean, it makes sense. The Steel Reserve thing makes sense.

Yeah, Baltimore's fucked. How many people were there because of crack? Well, they didn't ask the brands of crack. There's only one brand of crack. Yeah. You know. The good stuff. The good stuff and the good stuff.

The stuff you need and the better stuff. Well, let's move over to Africa. Oh, yeah. Just like Baltimore. Yeah. This is going to be fucked up. Just like Baltimore. Yeah.

A 10-year-old boy is battling for his life at Kamwinge Health Center Southeast Uganda after a Kibale National Park chimpanzee bit off his buttocks. What? He bit off his butt? So we have a shot off dick and a bit off butt in this episode? I thought it was going to be worse as soon as you said Uganda. I was like, well, it's going to be a warlord involved.

Oh yeah, it's child prostitution. Yeah, something. The monkey was a warlord. And he did fuck the kid before he bit off his butt. According to his friend who escaped, the chimpanzee attacked him from behind as he was moving from his home in Kahungi Parish, and when he tried to escape, it overpowered him and grabbed him

before eating off his buttocks. Eating off sounds a lot worse than biting off, doesn't it? Yeah, it sounds like he chewed. Yeah, it takes a minute to eat off a butt, a second to bite off a butt. He had a fork and a knife and a napkin stuck in his collar. He ordered it. He ordered the boy delivered to him by a bunch of

zebras. By a bunch of zebras. That's great. Fucking bastard zebras. Wait, what is there a zoo doing in Uganda? It was a national park. Oh, what is there a zoo doing in Uganda? It was a national park. Or a national park? Oh, I thought you said zoo.

Isn't all of Africa like a national park? I mean, kind of. Yeah, you don't need a zoo in Uganda. There's no way. Well, his mother was shocked to hear that her only son had been eaten by the chimpanzee. She said, at first, I thought that he had died. But when I reached the health center where he had been admitted, I realized that he had lost all the buttocks. All the buttocks. That's not the worst part of a human body to be eaten off.

Would you rather lose an arm or a butt? But how much of his asshole is gone? None. Yeah, I think it's just the meat around. It's just the buttocks. Yeah, if anything else, it's fucking more open to fucking let your goose out easier. Well, I feel like you can get fake butt

you can get fake butt yeah you can get a I don't know if he's gonna end up getting a fake butt well not now it's a long waiting list

for fake butt it's tough to get one here I mean you know that can't be too high on the plastic surgery list a fake butt yeah no it's huge lately butt implants

for porn stars and stuff not just for porn stars there's plenty of women are here in New York City that are getting the illegal butt injections and are dying. Oh, really?

A woman in Philadelphia. Yeah, there's a woman in Philadelphia who was just putting rubber cement in them. Yeah. Rubber cement? Yeah, it was rubber cement

and just other concoctions that she whipped up. Why are you so dumb? Yeah. You can't just put foreign entities into your body and not expect consequences if you're doing it without any scientific knowledge.

I don't even like getting rubber cement on my hands when I'm using rubber cement. Yeah, my cock when I masturbate. What have you done to my cock? It would be so fun to smack a girl with rubber cement for an ass and your hand just like stays in there like a seppuku pillow. You remember those? Those sobakawa pillows. Yeah, that'd be pretty great. Dane, what kind of plastic surgery

You want to get What do you want to fix About you If I feel Well Not personality related Or like mentally Just physically

Physically I've never been a fan Of my face I feel like my nose Is an issue Is an issue Throughout my entire career And I don't like it

You think you're getting Judged harshly Because of your nose Yeah yeah You got a fine nose Yeah Right nose And by the way When you get a nose job You've also got to do Your cheeks And your chin career and I don't like it. You think you're getting judged harshly because of your nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a fine nose. Yeah, I got a fine nose. And by the way, when you get a nose job, you've also got to do your cheeks and your chin and your eyes because everything has to match up.

Oh, it's a slippery slope. Yeah. That's why I... You should get calf implants. I don't feel like I'm that kind of guy. Slippery slope. I don't feel like... Yeah, I don't feel like I would...

I feel like it would look weird. If I had giant calves, it would be like... Yeah, like really, really long legs. calves, it would be great, though. People would be like, why? He's not exercising correctly. The rest of them is peeing. Are you Jewish, Danny? I sure am.

You are, so maybe it's for you because I have a normal-sized nose. Yeah, maybe. I get asked if I'm Jewish quite often because I have a schnauzer on me. You have red hair and you're fucking eight feet tall. In Brooklyn, I've been asked multiple times in the past two weeks if I'm Jewish or not. But that's them trying to recruit.

They don't really think you're Jewish. What, are they a linebacker or something? No, they want you to like their religion. Oh, I love their religion. You want them in. Yeah, they just want to recruit you, man. They want you to wear a suit, put on, grow that thing out long. I have also been asked if I was Jewish by those by a stranger

yeah they ask everybody man I ain't got nothing to do with you I have been asked they ask you if you're Jewish no I was offended that I wasn't man

you were not asked you guys ever seen those crazy militant black Israelites in Times Square oh yeah they're amazing my first roommate

in New York was one of those really yeah yeah she was intense. Yeah, they're very scary. She used to make me lentil soup, though. She was very fun.

So what do they do? I don't understand. They just preach. Yeah, they're the chosen Jews because they're black and they were the first people on Earth. And they scream about it? Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm trying to figure out.

Soapbox, we're talking here. Oh, yeah. They hate white people. Oh, okay. Ethiopian Jews. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. But they're white people. Ethiopian Jews. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah, but they're also being poisoned by white Jews.

They're being, what do you call that? You know, what's happening with the women? What? So they can't have babies. Oh, sterilized. They're being sterilized. Really? In Israel, yeah.

Really? Yeah, the white Jews are sterilizing the black Jews in Israel. What? Yep. How is this real? It's in the news. No. It is happening.

I don't buy it. As a white Jew, why are you hurting Kevin's people? Well, just to make Kevin a little bit more jealous, when they do around Sukkot, ask you if you're Jewish. If you say yes, they give you fruit. Yeah, they just give you free fruit. You just walk down the street and they'll just give you a donut. They'll just give you like an apple. I got a kebab. Yeah. A lamb like kebab. Yeah, they just give you free fruit. You just walk down the street and they'll just give you a donut. Yeah, they'll just give you like an apple.

I got a kebab. Yeah. A lamb like kebab. Yeah, they just give you shit sometimes. Oh, so homeless people just need to have a sign that just says, I'm Jewish. Yeah, yeah. And they'll just be surrounded by foods and fruits and donuts and things. Yeah, yeah.

You guys should have seen the look on Ed's face when I showed him the news article that, yes, Ethiopian Jews are being sterilized. Oh, yeah. We talked about it on Top Hat. There it is. He looks happy. He looks very happy. I'm perplexed. How are they doing it?

Make her sit on a bottle of bleach or something? No, they don't make her sit on a bottle of bleach. Yeah, they inject it into her fucking pussy. They hit it in vaccines. Really? That's what happens they do to a shower. They hit it in a vaccines. Really? Yeah. That's what happens.

This is horrible. It is horrible. This I don't agree with. I do not agree with it. Dear Israel. I don't agree with your sterilizing the black Jews. That's nice. Well, it's only the Ethiopian Jews, right?

Yeah. That's what Jews Eddie. Well, it's only the Ethiopian Jews, right? Yeah. That's what Jews need. We need more athletes. You're not Jewish yet. This is the great amendment to it. Half of me. We got Amari Stoudemire, man. That was a big get. That's the thing.

Amari Stoudemire. Amari was the biggest get. Oh, my God. I couldn't believe when it happened. So excited to have him. How do you feel? Because for those that don't know, Amari Stoudemire is New York Knick. He's relatively terrible at this point because of bad knees.

But he converted a couple of years back. Huge get. And the Jews were happy with him. Oh, so excited. He walks around Israel all the time. He looks monstrous compared to everyone else. Everyone looks confused because he has a little posse with him too, and they look confused. Are they Jewish with little Jewish yarmulkes?

They look like they're going with it because they are part of the team. Yeah, they need a paycheck. But when he retires, I think those guys are all going to They look like they're going with it because they are part of the team. Yeah, they need a paycheck. But when he retires, I think those guys are all going to stop pretending that they're Jewish. They didn't look as into it. He was like, oh, wow. But you can see them

in the background pictures. Right, right, right. I feel like if you're a Knick, you should be Jewish. Sure, why not? You know? It's a winning recipe. Yeah.

Get in there. But yeah, Stoudemire, he's the Sandy Koufax and Amara Stoudemire. That's pretty much it. Yeah, no, it's been rough. Whoopi Goldberg. And Whoopi Goldberg, you know. She's a linebacker.

Yeah, she's a linebacker. I've never seen Ray Lewis and Whoopi Goldberg in the same room together. Well, we're going to go from a national park to a zoo now. This is for you, Amber. Because it's a zoo, but mostly, Jackie, this one's for you. But it's for both of us. Okay. Yeah, it was that.

Ladies night. It's a zoo. Oh, God. Every night, right? Let's get drunk and go to the zoo. Let's throw some cans at some animals. The People's Park of Luho in the Chinese province Henan has an amazing African lion on exhibit for spectators. Oh no, what's up with that lion?

But the most amazing fact about this proud creature is that it's actually a dog. I love a dog. As Agents France Pressy reports, the hoax was exposed when the dog started barking. How long did they think this hoax could go on for? They're such bad liars, man. No. When was the dog? When did this last for like 20 seconds? It was like a day.

Oh, my God. That's okay, man. They charged 15 yuan to see this lion dog. Well, I mean, it's $2.45. That's good money, though. And, no, it's a lion. No, it's right. It's barking now.

So, Jackie, I'm going to read a quote from The Visitor, and I want you to translate it for me. Okay. The zoo is absolutely cheating us. Oh, Minoik Zoo with dog as lion. She's still speaking English. They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions. Oh, that's right.

He barking. I don't like it. He look like... I mean Jackie Jackie why does he always have this she's no longer hung over

or sick the racism brought her right out of it like what are they taking a shit whenever they're being interviewed every sentence

I can't tell you how many times I ordered fucking order a spare ribs and like $5.95. I mean, it'll happen.

Okay, happy Jackie. Do you have anything else to say? No, I can't. I shouldn't. Well, you can finish it if you want to finish it. No, I was going to go on and on about beef with broccoli.

Well, do the beef and broccoli thing. No. about beef with broccoli. Well, do the beef and broccoli thing. We'll just get through it. Should we just order? I'll have a general set. Oh, man, I wish.

This shit will never end well for you, man. Yeah, I realize the more people listen to this show, that means the more, by chance, Asians are listening to this show. You were offending a lot of people. There's a full army coming at you. No, it's fine. No, they listen to the show, that means the more by chance Asians are listening to this show. You were offending a lot of people. There's a full army coming at you. It's fine. No, they listen to the show. We love our Asian listeners

very, very much. They listen to everything. They're running the world now. That is true. Respect and kindness and love for all people. Out of all the countries that listen to us,

Japan is number seven. That's right. Wow. What? Yeah, sure. The Japanese love us. Jackie, say thank you to the Japanese.

Oh, see you, sure. The Japanese love us. Jackie, say thank you to the Japanese. Oh, see you, Japan. Oriental land of the free. That's very nice. The Oriental land of the free. Yeah, sure. That was great. Well, this is not the only instance of animal impersonation in China. Another zoo painted dogs black and white to make them look like pandas.

Not even that. They don't look like a dog. Oh my God. I'm going to do that. I'm going to buy a dog and paint it black and white. No, it's my God. I'm going to do that. I'm going to buy a dog and paint it black. And I'm like, no, it's my panda. Yeah, it's my panda. I mean, Amber, what animal should you use if you don't have a panda to actually look like a panda?

It's certainly not a dog. A stuffed panda. A stuffed, yeah, sure. At least an animatronic panda. You take a panda, you rip out all its bones, fill it with a robot skeleton. Sure. That works. Even a man in a panda suit would make a better panda. Why don't you just do a man?

Just a little man. You're being a man like a panda. You're closer. Yeah. These dogs are being used. What about just a dog? You know, dogs are cute on their own. Well, they said the reason why they tried to pass off the dog as a lion

because they sent the lion to a breeding facility and they didn't want to lose their main attraction. Oh, I see. They didn't want to take the day off. They said the African lions will be back. Jackie? Don't worry. We have the dog back soon.

That's right. That's good. That's it. Put a cap on it. That's it. That's it. Put a cap on it. You know what they did when it was over? They took the dog and they just shot it in the head. Yeah.

And they found out. That is what happened because it barked and they told it to bark. It's sad that it barked. That's not rough. That's not rough. It's roar. Yeah. It's tough for a dog to act like a lion.

It doesn't even know it's a dog. They must have dog scouts going out there. They'd be like, that one could be, that dog could be a giraffe. Make it a giraffe. Make that dog a zebra. Yeah, it's like how clowns make balloon animals here. They're just like, that dog can be whatever you want it to be. The same way you can make a balloon whatever you want it to be.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Anyway, we've stopped recording. The show is over. Let's come on back to the United States. Okay. Thank God. Thank Lord. A tambourine player was tased during a church service in Oklahoma.

Good! Oklahoma County. service in Oklahoma. Good! Oklahoma County... A 50-year-old Vicki Sue Beyersdorfer went too far. Yeah. Oklahoma County Sheriff's Department spokesman

Mark Myers said, quote, Nobody could pay attention to the sermon or what was going on, so that's when our deputy was able to take care of the situation. A woman was apparently playing a tambourine too loudly during a Wednesday night service. When she refused to stop, the woman was escorted out by an off-duty county sheriff's deputy. Myers said he had to physically escort her outside the church. Once outside, she broke free from the deputy and tried to go back inside.

There became a physical confrontation. According to the arrest report, the deputy was forced to pepper spray and tase the unruly woman. That's ridiculous. He said, she was not filled with the Holy Spirit. She was not being very Christianly, and this is why the folks decided to get her out as soon

as possible. God, how bad did the tambourine do have to be to get pepper sprayed? I mean, pretty goddamn frantic. Yeah, she must have been playing that. What kind of a shitty person brings an instrument to church? Well, you know, she was really getting into the praise. They hire a band. Yeah.

I just don't know if this woman needed to be tased and pepper sprayed. I mean, she was just drunk playing tambourine, right? She was staggering and had slurred speech. They found pain medication on her. She was all fucking oxy up. She was all hopped up. I speech. They found pain medication on her. She was all fucking oxy up. She was all hopped up. I mean, I don't know, Amber. I feel like people have acted crazier at church.

I mean, this sounds like she was just acting like a traditional evangelical. Yeah. You know, really getting filled with the Holy Spirit. Sounds normal. I mean, a lot of those people do a lot of meth. Absolutely. They do. A lot of Christians who go to these churches just get hopped up on drugs, and they go and praise the Jesus, and then they see him, and you know, that's all.

You know, it's kind of funny. You've watched video of people getting tased, right? Yeah, it's wonderful. It's a fun thing to do. You watch it all the time. I love to watch it. Yeah. And when people do get tased, it's very like how people react when they think they've been

hit with the Holy Spirit. Yeah. That is true. You drop to the floor floor and you shake wildly. I don't know. Maybe it's like a... Do you think that's what they're actually doing to people that are speaking in tongues? I think if they're not, they should fucking start. Yeah.

They don't have cocks on their fucking bodies. What? I don't know. What happened to the cocks on the bodies? I'm hard. You're hard now? I just got hard. I just don't understand why they had the taser. Yeah, I just got hard. Good, sure. I just don't understand why they had the taser. Yeah, he's a man taking down a lady.

He's an old woman. And he's an old woman and he's a cop. He dragged her out of the church. I mean, you always just... Back in the day, they would just let that old girl just go back in the backyard and keep on playing her tambourine. Yeah. They got her out of the church,

but she kept trying to go back inside over and over again. The guy just lost patience with her. Cuff her. Cuff her feet together. He's just throwing snakes at her. And he pepper sprayed her, then he tased her. That's what's crazy to me. How was she not debilitated by the pepper spray?

This guy was a fucking pussy, wasn't he? Oh, absolutely. A pussy was. Dude, my ex-girlfriend got, well, not tased, but she got by a big-ass bouncer in Tallahassee, she got pepper sprayed. She's out there acting crazy. Oh, man, and that hurt. She sounds lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not so bad. All right, I'm going to show you guys a picture of Vicky Sue Beyersdorfer. This is the woman in question. She's hot. Well, again, she was methed out of her mind. She's pretty, though. Well, she probably used to be pretty. Yeah, like she could be pretty, but she's full of such darkness and like horror that I feel like that comes out in her weird expression.

That's why she went to church. I got a guy pepper sprayed once. Yeah, how did that go? I did that once. Yeah, I felt bad. I felt horrible about it. You got him pepper sprayed? Kind of.

How did you do that? He was walking down the street. All I saw, I looked up, and i saw two guys arguing and then a guy punched another guy in the face okay the other guy started yelling he got punched hard he went down he got up and he was like fuck you and they started running after each other so i called the police because i wasn't involved but i wanted them to help and then they came in and they the guy who'd been punched they came and he was like you're gonna get mad at me and so they he was being standoffish And so with an open wound

On his face They pepper sprayed him Oh no And I caused that And I just stood Feeling horrible Did they know you Did he look at you

Right after he was like He had no idea You did this to me Oh no Oh I hid I was I felt horrible It did not go

He screamed Oh my He was in The amount of pain He must have been in was Pepper sprained an open wound I can only imagine I can't even imagine What he was going, the amount of pain he must have been in was. Pepper's sprain and open wound, I can only imagine. I can't even imagine

what he was going through. That's phenomenal. Totally my fault. How was it totally your fault? Because I called the police. The police, they probably, well,

I felt like I was doing it right. They would have worked it out. Yeah, they were close to just sitting down and talking about it. They were going to get, probably hurt each other more, but damn,

pepper sprayed in the face with an open, but that's, no matter what would have happened next, it would have been better for that dude. You're such a better person than me. Whenever I see a fight, I just yell, fight, fight, fight. There's a fight.

I've watched a fight before, but this was one where I was like, these two... It felt like neither party wanted a part of this. They both were going a little crazy. I don't know. I felt bad. That's great. I would have loved to see it. He also went to jail.

You should feel bad about that, too. I felt bad about that, but that's the least of that story for him. I felt terrible. It's definitely the pepper spray situation in the open wound. That really blows ass. When you join the military, one of their, not initiations, but training things, is you get pepper sprayed the fuck out of. You're put into this tiny room and then they just fill it with pepper spray

and you come out just vomiting and crying and just snot. And that's why when you, pepper spray doesn't really work for like hard criminals because if you've been to if you've been a prisoner or if you've been in the military or whatever, that you pepper spray them and they, whatever, who cares? They'll just knock it out of your hand.

And then fuck you in the ass. Then you can relate to your wife when you come home after a long day and she's crying and full of snot

and stuff because you're not there enough. It's similar to being pepper sprayed a whole bunch. Does being sick make you really sad too?

No, man. No, this is a fucking laid back easy podcast, Marcus. I don't know if you can handle this right now but we're fucking being easy right now. I'm not sad.

I just, I literally can't verbalize certain words that I want to verbalize. Like what? Words. Those are the words. I told you I could do it. God. Yeah, sad. I'm fucking grossed out right now.

I'm trying my best. My brain is all scrambled. Yeah. I got a bunch of eggs up there. I do. I'm trying my best. My brain is all scrambled. I got a bunch of eggs up there. I do. I'm sick. I'm telling you. It's sad to watch.

I think I have a tumor. We'll see. We'll wait it out. We got one more story before we get to our segment. Should I change? Should I get beer? I'll get beer. Go get some beer. Then I'll get you some. Go get some beer.

And then I'll get my energy. My energy's down? I think you're doing great. I'm sick, Dan. I know, but I think you're doing wonderful, man. I think he's doing good, but he's scaring me and making me sad, too. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you've been making some very sad statements.

You're depressing the shit out of everyone, Ben. I'm not. I don't think I am. Tell us a happy memory of yours. You know what? I actually did have a happy memory. The other day I went to a New York Knicks game. The New York Knicks were playing the Chicago Bulls. And it was 1995

and it was at... Did you say the other day? Yeah. Well, technically it was the other day. It wasn't this one. And it was the day back in 1995. Maybe 1996. And it was the day back in 1995. Maybe 1996. And Michael Jordan made his return. He was still wearing number 45, but I didn't like Michael Jordan.

I was a New York Knicks fan. And we got to the stadium, and there was only three tickets. My father thought he bought three tickets, but he only bought – my dad thought he bought four tickets, but he only bought three tickets. Anyway, long story short, my dad just sat in the car and listened to the game and let us watch the game. Oh, wow. Sounds like your dad wanted some fucking peace and quiet. Yeah.

That could be. Maybe it was all a large ruse to get us out of the van. Uh-oh, looks like out of here. Yeah, out of here. Just praying you get kidnapped. Possible. Possible. I guess I don't have to hang out with my three faggot sons tonight. Well, Dad, I'm not gay, Dad.

I've just got talent. How did they find the car? What's that? When he left. Oh, yeah. No, he did park very far away. Like in another state. I moved it twice. Yeah. No, he definitely didn't want away. Like in another state. I moved it twice.

Yeah. No, he definitely didn't want us in there. So that was a nice memory. That's good. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Did the Knicks win?

No, they lost by one fucking point. I swear to God, because Michael Jordan had this amazing layup at the end, and it was just awful. Did you see Michael Jordan hit a game winner? Fuck Michael Jordan. John Starks is where it's at. Everybody knows Charles Oakley, Anthony Mason.

What about Larry Bird? He's done it. He's been a turn up. Don't worry about Larry Bird. Larry Bird's fun. It was great. I loved that time in the Knicks. He looks like you.

It was the best. Phenomenal time. Anyway. How many championships did they win? The New York Knicks? Mm-hmm. They won two championships. But during that time.

During that time, they, you know, it was tough because there was a bunch of competition out there. Yeah. So they weren't as good as, say, the Chicago Bulls. No, they weren't as good as the Bulls because he was on HGH. What's that HGH? Human Growth Home Run. Michael Jordan? Yeah, absolutely.

No way. Yeah, and he was gambling, too. I mean, I know he was gambling. He wasn't on HGH. That's why his fucking father got shot. Yeah, we all know his, too. I mean, I know he was gambling. He wasn't on HGH. That's why his fucking father got shot. Yeah, we all know his father got shot dead because he was gambling. Patrick Ewing still has a dad. Who?

Patrick Ewing? Yeah. Do you want to call his dad? You could. He's still alive. He'd be a good get for the Jews. Oh, Patrick Ewing. I would love Patrick Ewing to become a Jew.

You don't want him, Danny? No, I'd love him. Okay, Danny. No. No, I'd love him. Okay, Danny. No. No, he'd be great. The top five black gits for the Jews. I mean. Jay-Z, number one.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That would make sense. We got the arts. We don't need arts help. That's right. You need to diversify. We need to go sports. That's right.

I would go probably four out of five would be sports related. All right. Who we got? Idi Amin. Tiger Woods. Al Sharpton. Tiger would go probably four out of five would be sports related. Alright, who we got? Idi Amin. Tiger Woods. Al Sharpton. Tiger Woods hasn't been relevant forever. Al Sharpton. Martin Luther King. He's dead. Oh, the guy from Nova.

What? The guy from Nova. Oh, yeah. Neil deGrasse Tyson. What's the final? What's the list? I mean, it's got to be like LeBron. Yeah, of course. You want LeBron. I basically just want to go with a team. I just want LeBron. I mean, yeah, of course. You want LeBron. I basically just want to go with a team. Like, I just want LeBron. I feel like I'd want to.

Sure. I'd want to go with like a Brady. I'd probably. Tom Brady's white, though. Oh, you said only black. Yeah, only black. You guys are full of whites. He does.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I'd go Rob Griffin III just because I'm a Redskins fan. Oh, that's a great choice. Yeah, we'd love him. I mean, it's just going to be athletes. Damn real. White, though. White. Yeah. But he is from Pittsburgh. Yeah, we'd love him. I mean, it's just going to be athletes. Dan Marino! White, though. White.

But he is from Pittsburgh. Wrote me, though, when I was a kid. Never, always will love him for that. What? Dan Marino? Dan Marino's a fucking gentleman and a... All right, okay, all right. We know what Dan Marino does for this country. Kevin, we're discussing the top five black people

that the Jewish people must convert. Dan, what the fuck? I don't know how Dan Marino. Tom Brady was brought up as well. Dan Marino. He's very, very white people. Kevin Barnett. You got to convert him.

Would you want KB in your tribe? We don't need any more comedians is what he was saying. Yeah, no, we don't need any help in the arts. But with that said, he's a cool person. So I enjoy Kevin. Pretty cool guy, man. Got a lot of friends, man. A lot of people try

to text me and stuff, man. A lot of people try to call me all the time, man. You know, this is tough, man. I got a lot of friends, man. See, that's the Barnett story I'm talking about. Except that usually ends

with like, hey, I got a lot of friends, got a lot of people. Anyway, so you're dead. And then like, that's a Barnett story. And you don't know what happened in the middle.

It's all lies. It's just, you know, it's like when he says, oh, I get all, I get a lot of women. I get a lot of women. I get a lot of women. I go to the thing. Anyway, I'm going to jail.

What happened? You got a woman that got pepper sprayed. So what is YYYY? Oh, USA, right? We got one more story? Yep. Back here in the United States. A 12-year-old South Carolina boy is receiving some well-deserved praise after saving his neighborhood from an alligator on the loose.

Oh, wow. The boy, Joey Maffo, took matters into his own hands in what can only be described as the world's most epic beatdown of a reptilian foe when his neighborhood in Hilton Head was in trouble. Hilton Head's great. Great vacation place. Good. Like a superhero descending from the skies, Maffo took on the villainous gator after his neighbor, 50-year-old Tamara Shaddock, was attacked while walking her two dogs Wednesday

and got a nasty bite on her foot. Investigator Maffo needed only a day and the help of his grandpa, Joe Maffo, to track down the attacker. Four hours after finding its lagoon lair, Joey wrangled in the 8-foot-long, 180-pound critter. Oh, my. 68-year-old Joe Maffo told ABC News,

I went down and just let Joey fight it and hold it until it got to 16 feet out where I could reach it. I stood at the edge of the water and pulled out with a pole and put it around its neck and pulled it up to the shore, and then he pulled the rope tight. I got on the gator, and he came over and taped it. This kid put tape around a gator's fucking mouth. He's a champion. I love it.

It's not just a 12 year old boy but it's a 12 year old boy and a 68 year old man working together to take down an 8 foot gator. That's an adorable story. That is a great movie. They're both going to go to prison soon but it's okay. And this kid has been, I read another story about him he's

been doing this with gators for three years now what yeah since he was nine years old he's been attacking and wrangling up gators well at least helping out i think that's amazing i'd blow that nine-year-old you want to fuck the nine-year-old yeah get on in there with him i guess that's how many on top of the gator i would How many on top of the gator? I would fuck someone on top of a gator. On top of an alligator? As long as it was like the mouth was all covered up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rip its teeth out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rip its teeth out. Are you going to be on top or on the bottom? Probably on top so I can look at it. So you can look at the alligator's eyes looking back at you, but then you also are like fucking And then in my head it's like I'm fucking the alligator. You want to fucking alligator? Oh, I see.

I'll just fuck an alligator then. They're powerful. Yeah, where would I put my pussy? Some guy got to get involved in all this. How big are alligator dicks? I mean, it's an eight foot alligator, so it's got to be a pretty good sized dink. Yeah, what are alligator penises? Can we get a read on that?

Yeah, of course. I just want to know what they look like. Are they barbed? There's got to be some weird shit. I'm sure they're slimy. Have you ever fucked an alligator wrestler? What are we looking at? No, but my sort of uncle or friend of the family does.

An alligator penis looks like a vagina with a huge clit. Damn. It looks like a dick is growing out like a vagina with a huge clit. Damn. It looks like a dick is growing out of a vagina. Yeah. That looks like China. Yeah, I was going to say China. Yeah, I gave an award to her. Marcus and I gave an award to her at a porn award show.

It was real fun. Oh, man. That's an amazing look. China the wrestler, we should specify, not the country. Of course, yeah. I love this picture of a cartoon gator with a fucking rock hard dick. Stipples the gator. Oh, Stipples the gator is a rock hard set of nuts.

Yeah, cartoon alligator with a cartoon penis. He's standing up. He's a big old dinosaur guy. He's got a little collar around his neck with a chain. It says Stipples. That's fun. That's great. Little jail gator.

That's a fun little fun thing to see on the internet. Yeah, it's definitely not bad whatsoever. So you never fucked an alligator wrangler? No. That's a fun little fun thing to see on the internet. Yeah, it's definitely not bad whatsoever. So you never fucked an alligator wrangler? No. But I would imagine that most ladies would like to have sex with a man who could beat up an alligator, especially a 12-year-old. Well, I know a guy that's kind of in my family. He wrangles alligators. He's done it before.

And he talks like this. Y'all gonna get down and we're gonna bait the catfish on y'all. And what does that mean? Like, that's how he speaks. And he's very leathered. What did he just tell us? Leathered skin. Very simple.

Simple man. Led Zeppelin style. I don't think I'd... I don't know. I'd fuck the eight-year-old version of him. Well, that's good. That's interesting. Burning it.

I would definitely... Fuck kids, everybody. Yeah. That's interesting. I would definitely... Fuck kids, everybody. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, if you feel like it. If I were to get plastic surgery, I would make my neck smaller. That's a good choice. That is a really good choice.

If I were to get plastic surgery, I would make my butt smaller. If someone gave me free plastic surgery, I would make your neck smaller. I think if that 12-year-old kid saw you holding it, it would just instinctively tie up your fucking mouth with some duct tape. It would be great, though, if someone ever tried to decapitate me, I'd get to laugh at them for a really long time while they did it until they finally got through. Right, yeah, that's totally true holden can't hang out with alligator wranglers because they just tie them up all the time yeah i would love to watch like if you got captured by al-qaeda and they wanted to behead you on video yeah i just watched them try to do it you know they would make it on the al-qaeda blooper reel you know and be like you know like oh this is a silly guy we couldn't him. You know, every meal Holden has is fed to him from a rope from a bridge.

That's the way he demands it. Holden can't hang out near no lakes. It's very, very sad. Get out of the water. Get out of the water. And speaking of which, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil. It's time for a lightning round. God damn you.

All right, so lightning round. Everyone just give really fast answers. We're going to start with Kevin for this one. We'll probably change up who it starts with. Pass it to the left. And yeah, just try to say them. Same question for everybody? Same question for everybody.

We're going to go in a circle. Marcus is going to say give the points out, and then we'll do another one, all right? All right, sounds great. All right, so number one question for lightning round. Kevin, are you ready? Yeah, sure, man. Place that no one should go. Fucking Cuba.

All right, then. Our house. North Korea. Stepdad's trophy room. Outside. Uh, stepdad's trophy room. Outside. Africa. Stepdad's trophy room. Yes.

Absolutely. That was a good one. That was a good one. That was a good one. All right. This time, let's start with Ed. All right. Okay.

We'll keep going to the left. So that means Kevin's next, after this. Yes. Okay. Which president has the worst ass? Oh, Taft. Okay. That's a fucking Obama, man.

It sucks. All right. I'm going to go with Garfield. Okay. FDR, he wasn't able to work out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was in a wheelchair.

President flat ass. Oh, my God. About the 22nd president. Yeah, Lyndon B. Johnson. Who are we going with? Lyndon B. Johnson. Who are we going with? Lyndon B. Johnson. Yes! Very good.

Very good. All right. Jackie, I'm going to start with you. This probably had a great ass. Yeah. I think Obama has a nice ass. Oh, come on. It's tiny and weird.

It's tight. Yeah, I know, but it's like tight basketball ass. Constantly spanked by Michelle. Yeah, it's not right, man. It's not representative of our It's tight. Yeah, I know, but it's like tight basketball ass. Constantly spanked by Michelle. Yeah, it's not right, man. It's not representative of our people, man. I'm not kidding. You are. All right.

This is going to be a two to three worder, okay? Actually, honestly, it can be as long as you want. Oh, thanks. Okay. Yeah. The best phrase to Google for the best results. A phrase to Google. Yummy, yummy squirt.

All right. Cunts get fucked. Okay. Jappy Zebr Google. Yummy, yummy squirt. All right. Cunts get fucked. Okay. Jappy Zebrowski. Ooh, yes. Ooh, Jappy Zebrowski. That's good. Best, well, I would love to eat there.

Yeah, absolutely. That's good. Soldiers surprising people. Ooh. Very nice. Crazy stuff coming at you. Ooh, that's coming at ya Ooh that is good Very nice Ben's gonna get that one

Yeah Cause then we're gonna find good places to eat That's right Finding Kissel we're gonna start with you on this one Sure Okay What two animals should fuck? Quick lightning

I know it Quick lightning Fuck. Quick, lightning. A... I know it. Quick, lightning. An eater and then a zebra. Okay, an eater and a zebra. I already said zebra though earlier. Panda and a dog. All right.

A duck and Ben Kissel. Wow, that was fun. I'm kidding. But a duck isn't an animal, is it? A grasshopper and a cat. Okay. It's like a cat-sized grasshopper and a cat or literally a tiny grasshopper and a cat? Like a tiny grasshopper and a cat. It's like a cat-sized grasshopper and a cat, or literally a tiny grasshopper and a cat?

Like a tiny grasshopper and a cat. All right, fuck it. Yeah, let's do it. Grizzly bear and a crocodile. You watch too many animal videos. That sounds like a beautiful combination. Leopard and a goose. Leopard and a goose.

What are we doing? Man, this is the hardest one so far. This is a good one. All right, what do you guys think? Leopard and a goose Leopard and a goose What are we doing? Man this is the hardest one so far This is a good one A bit of a doozy Alright what do you guys think? Leopard and a goose Or crocodile Or a cat and a cricket

What? I don't get it for a grizzly bear And a crocodile That's pretty good It's gonna tear up Everything I mean A cricket to the insect

I don't Is it an animal? You know I'm gonna I'm gonna go with leopard and goose Yeah I think so I think that would be fun I like a good spotted goose It would be great.

A goopert. Yeah. A goopert. All right, so we did four rounds. Who at this point has points? Because we need to tie a break around with the people who have points. Oh, no. I mean, this is a surprising one.

I have no points. You're out, Eddie. I'm out? It's out. You're out. You're the only one that usually does fairly well. I'm out here as well. I went with practical answers. I just want to say

all my answers were spot on for what you wanted. That's true. A panda is a wonderful animal, but it's too ferocious. You put that with a dog, now pandas are finally sweet and we can all play with them.

That's a good point. I agree completely. I think you're right. But I am not a practical man. Clearly. Because you went with the ha-ha. A goopard. I went with the goopard.

All right. All right, so we got a tiebreaker question, right? Yeah, yeah. All right. So whoever wins this one wins the game. Let's go. The four of you. I kind of hate the one that I have down.

Okay. I hate it too. You look at it and tell me if I should do it or not. It's the one at the bottom. Oh, uh... I almost cheated. Do you think that's good? No, it's not good? You want to come up with one real quick? Yeah, sure. Okay, you give the final one, Ed. Best way to kill Holden.

Who's going... Kevin goes first. Who has points? These four right here. Kevin, Ben, Jackie, and Amber. Okay, great. So it starts with Kevin like it did in the beginning, and we'll go around. Best way to kill Holden. Drown him in his own grease. Yes!

Great. Next. Don't pay any attention to him. Awesome. Next. Fill his ass with Gator Cum. Yeah! Skin him from the neck down.

Ooh. That would take a year and a day. I know. And then we'll take all the... Ooh, we'll take the skin while he's still alive, and we'll hang it, we'll dry it, and we'll make drapes. I was going to say take away his heating rock. Ah, yeah, that's right. You know, Eddie, since you weren't in the writing, you get to pick the winner.

Oh, really? It can't be yourself. Can we do one more round of Ways to Kill Holden? Let's do one more. Can that be my winner? Kevin, go. He has to listen to himself speak for 20 hours.

Ooh, that's it. Holy Christ. His mother has to tell him that she never wanted him. Ooh, Danny, go ahead. Get in here. Oh, God, no, I wasn't ready. Eat his own dick.

Eat his own dick. There you go. You said that in Ed's voice, too, Danny. That was perfect. I contort him to take a shit in his own mouth. There you go. You said that in Ed's voice too, Danny. That was perfect. I contort him to take a shit in his own mouth. Yeah, great. Take off his glasses.

Take off his glasses. I give it to Amber. All right, Amber wins. Contorting your own shit. I'd like to see that. Not bad. Can you do that? Sure.

Oh, he died. He is dead. in your own shit. I'd like to see that. Not bad. Can you do that? Sure. Huh? Whoa, he died. He is dead. It's like a snail. That's what they do. All right, that's Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McDaly,

Kevin Barnett. Thank you for being here, Amber and Danny. Thank you. And Marcus and I and Ben. Hail Satan, then. Hail Satan. Good prayer up top, Marcus.

Thank you.