The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 195: Meat in the Middle

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a man goes to jail for a year for pouring hot sauce on a puppy, another man goes on a kissing spree in a drug store, and a Brazillian man is killed by a falling toilet. Joining us today: Shakir Stanley!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Now you can play. Now you can play. You want me to play right now? Now. Now. gentlemen. Always civility. Now you can hang out. Now you can hang out. You want me to pray right now? Now. Now. Don't. Dear fucking piece of shit, made up

bullshit that's nailed to a piece of wood. Very nice. I'm gonna go ahead and say thank you today because I'm fucking hung over shit and this morning I thought I was never going to be happy again until you made every bitch fucking crazy. A lot of swears here in this one.

Man, I love crazy fucking bitches. What's going on? All women are crazy. What? This woman was screaming at her boyfriend on the corner. I love women that scream at their significant other in public. This is a story, though. It's a prayer. You're other in public. This is a story though. She's doing a prayer.

I'm praying about the situation because bitch was drinking something that was spicy and she throws it in his face and he goes, bitch, that was spicy. And I don't know what it was. And he's like, you said last time you weren't going to fucking do that ever

again. And she's like, well, last time you weren't going to fucking do that ever again. And she's like, well you're looking at me and you're asking me for it, so I fucking gave you what you wanted. And I just went, yeah! So thank you for that. Put a smile on my face. All bitches are crazy.

That's how my mom treats her boyfriend. Oh man. Have you guys ever had a drink thrown in your face before? No. No, I've done something wrong. Never had it happen. I've thrown drinks at women. No.

Welcome to the round table, gentlemen, everybody. All right, we know Jackie's here in Hungary. Honk, honk, honk. I'm fucking goose Jackie's here. Goose Jackie. All right. No, come on. No. Please don't kill me. I'm Ed Larson. Very nice. Jackie's here. No, come on.

Don't kill me. I'm Ed Larson. Very nice. Holdenators, oh, he'll never let it go. Sick of my own name. Bird Luger? Yeah, Bird Luger's here, man. I've been having a lot of shirt problems lately,

but that's another story for another day, man. You have a nice shirt on today. Very nice shirt. Here's the problem, man. Yeah. Lately, It's happened twice What happened? I got my shirts

And I'm wearing them Feeling real good about it Yeah And I see another fucking comedian Wearing the same shirt Oh man Oh that's not good Yeah no

It's kind of an idiot shirt It's an idiot shirt Is that what you said? Bruce Lee is a DJ on his shirt It's a fucking cool ass shirt It's a fun shirt I don't know It just has gold detailing on it Well you know Don't worry about that But It's a fucking cool-ass shirt. I don't know. It just has gold detailing on it.

Well, you know, don't worry about that. It's Bruce Lee DJing. I thought it was pretty cool. But I saw someone wearing his shirt. Who had the fucking thing? I did see a photograph where Andrew Schultz

was wearing his shirt. And then I got this fucking... Schultz here? I don't know him. You're cooler than him, right? I mean, yeah. It's fucking... What are you talking about, dude?

Tough to say. I think Andrew has to have are you talking about, dude? Tough to say. I think Andrew has to have... I think I'm giving the shirt to Andrew. He has to show his Charlemagne the God. He probably needs it more. Yeah. Oh, that guy looks pretty cool. I'm wearing the shirt, man.

Yeah, he looks really cool. Oh, this guy looks great. Yeah, wait. Andrew's shirt is very cool. At first, I was going to stop wearing the shirt, man. At first, I was going to give it up. Then, man, I'm not giving up, man. This is the dream, man. At first I was going to give it up. I'm not giving up, man. This is the dream, man.

I'm keeping it. Bird Luger. And then I saw Damien Lemon was wearing a De La Soul shirt that I had. Oh, man. These are two guys that are much cooler than you, man. Shut your fucking mouth. All right. In the chugger line.

He's going to be on MTV's Wiling Out that starts airing in August. Yeah, around August. Shaq Stanley is here. What's up, everybody? Thanks for being here, Shaq. No problem, man. You wanted to talk about love. I mean, yeah, man.

You know, I'm getting older, and I'm realizing that a lot of my friends are having kids and getting married and shit. And I'm not anywhere close to that and it makes me feel well i was walking in the park in chelsea and i saw a father playing catch with his son and it made me feel like a terrible person like like it hurt my heart right this is not funny but this is just nice but i feel like i'm gonna wait till 60 and then find the young egg so you don't have to worry our sperm stays good you just get that young egg and inseminate I don't know if this is true

but it seems like older men are more likely to have autistic children oh yeah I heard about that but that's good nowadays you want to be autistic to get more money from the government oh okay well you can always get a But that's good nowadays. You want to be on TV. Yeah, that's super in right now. You get more money from the government.

Oh, okay, well. Sit on it for a little while. You can always get a kid from China. Yeah, buy a family. Buy the whole fucking thing. We're the lucky ones, man. We're the men, man. We can do it old. Yeah.

The women, they lose their fucking horse shit up in there. Yeah, Jackie's drying up as we speak. Yeah, man, all my horse shit's all fucking lumpy and dry, man. Yeah. I need to get it wet. I need wet, sloppy diarrhea in my horse shit's all fucking lumpy and dry, man. I need to get it wet. I need wet, sloppy diarrhea in my fucking uterus. Oh, okay. You know what?

Let's just not let... Ten minutes for Jack. Yeah, ten minute time out due to the sloppy diarrhea comment. I heard that the doctor once found that Jackie's eggs were laying their own eggs. The eggs had eggs. Yeah, I got a lot of eggs. Isn't that sad? You need to scramble them up.

They had to pull out a bunch of eggs, scramble them, feed them. They fed the whole hospital sick kids with Jackie's eggs. Yeah, I got a lot of eggs. Isn't that sad? Scramble them up. They'd pull out a bunch of eggs, scramble them, feed them. They fed the whole hospital sick kids with Jackie's eggs. With Jackie's eggs. If you put American cheese on anything, kids will eat it. That's right. Alright, well, I am Ben Kitzel, as always, and then Marcus Parks. And Marcus, you got some news stories for us.

I do. Authorities in Bakersfield, California are investigating a 10th grader who passed out cupcakes said to be filled with semen to students who were picking on her. This is a funny joke. It's crazy. Where'd she get the cum? You know what? I don't know. Yeah, that's what's so interesting.

It's really, it's a flip. 10th grader, I mean, you get endless amounts of cum. It's a girl in 10th grade who's just like, I need some cum real quick. Kids will be lining up at the door. Yeah, this is a good day to be your friend. Yeah. This is like, oh, you need my cum? Oh, absolutely.

I'll be right over. Hanging out with the crazy girl worked out. And then God knows the fetish he gave this poor guy. He has to cum in a bunch of cupcake batter. She's been milking me for a week. It's nuts. She's literally milking him. This is a good time to be this girl's buddy.

That's phenomenal. Can they do a DNA test on sperm after girl's buddy. That's phenomenal. Can they do a DNA test on sperm after it's been cooked? No, no. All the LLs will be gone. Degraded sample, as they call it. Man, what if it's her father's cum? Or her fucking dogs.

See, that's a good joke. That's a good joke. That's a disgusting process. At some point, you're laughing at everybody for eating your dog's cum in the cupcakes, but then you also have to realize that they realize that you jerked off your dog. But doesn't dog's cum look like human cum? I mean, it's baked in, so you can't really see it. Yeah, that's true. Dog's cum looks like human cum.

I want to know, how did she reveal this to everyone? I have a... Ha ha ha! It's filled with cum! Ha ha ha! It's filled with cum! Ha ha ha! This is almost on par with that South Park episode where Cartman feeds his enemy, his parents. Yep.

Centennial High School students said that the girl put pubic hair, semen, expired food, and pills into the cupcake she handed out to her classmates. When the students asked the girl why the cupcakes tasted bad, she told them it was because she had placed bodily fluid in the cupcakes. So, Ed, your scenario is probably correct. You know, Amber did this. She put pubes in cupcakes

and served them to people. When did she do this? Back in high school or middle school? We did an episode of The Brighter Side, a great new podcast here on Cape Comedy Radio, and it was all about revenge. And basically, all of Amber's stories were about Comedy Radio and it was all about revenge. Yeah. And basically, all of Amber's stories were about how people

should probably try to seek revenge against her because she did terrible things. Unprovoked? Unprovoked. Clearly unprovoked. She just, I don't want,

she put the, there's pubes in the cupcakes. I do wish I could scream that as a teacher. There's pubes in the cupcakes. Stop the cupcakes. There's still one back here. She's like, I don't care.

I don't mind it. I never thought that about her, man. Apparently, Amber is untrustworthy at best. At best. These cupcakes were made with household kitchen items such as expired mayonnaise, barbecue sauce, and soy sauce. Oh, mayonnaise doesn't go bad. Yeah, I don't think that's true yeah it does

but at the same time it's like she already has jizz in the cupcakes so why do you need barbecue sauce you're just wasting your barbecue sauce

yeah I don't know is jizz the worst thing in the cupcakes I think jizz is the worst yeah jizz is the worst thing in the cupcakes I think the expired

pills made it taste bad though because right now you're selling me soy sauce mayonnaise and barbecue thing in the cupcake. I think the expired pills made it taste bad, though. Because right now, you're selling me. Soy sauce, mayonnaise, and barbecue sauce in a cupcake. I'll buy it. I don't know about the soy sauce. Well, yeah, maybe just a little dab.

Was this a revenge thing, though? It was definitely a revenge thing. Why? She was getting bullied. She was getting bullied by everybody? By a group of kids. Just beat the shit out of them. Never eat cupcakes.

You can't beat the shit out of a group. Most kids who are getting bullied can't beat the shit out of them. Never eat cupcakes. You can't beat the shit out of a group. Yeah. Most kids who are getting bullied can't beat the shit out of people. Yeah. Yeah, that's why they get bullied. She's got to find the inner rage. But was Amber bullied?

No, she was the bully. She was just laughing at them. I mean, this is a rewarding thing, right? I feel like that's a great reward to watch somebody eat something that they don't currently know is full of disease and spunk. That's got to make you laugh real hard.

Yeah. I know a dude who, for the smallest thing, some dude said something to him, just like a sentence. And it was at a party. And he went in the bathroom, poured out half his Listerine bottle, and peed in it. Oh, that's classic stuff. It's just like, that's months. That's months worth of rinse. Which leads me to wonder, if you're going to pee in a Listerine bottle,

it kills all the diseases in the pee, so he just refilled his Listerine for free. It leads me to wonder how much... I just need to constantly empty out my soaps and my mouthwashes and things, because all the things that I say to people... No, no, you're fine. You're fine.

Don't worry about it. Oh, I'm fine? Eddie, do you have something to confess? You're always taking a dump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It're fine. Don't worry about it. Oh, I'm fine? Eddie, do you have something to confess? You're always taking a dump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. That's what I'm saying. I used to know a guy back in high school at parties.

He used to pee in girls' pockets. In their pockets? Yeah. How do you pee in a pocket? He'd have a guy, and he'd call it getting shy town because his name was Sean. And then someone would hit the lights, and then he'd take his dick out and put it in a girl's pocket and start peeing. That is a felony.

And then it was just always like, stop, stop. And then the girl would leave and then he'd high-five like five dudes and the party would go on. And no recourse. Nothing ever happened to him. It's just embarrassing enough to have your pocket peed and then you kind of keep it hush-hush.

That's the thing. Tiny hands. He's got the smallest hands I've ever seen. Yeah. Oh, so that's how he pulled it off. I was wondering. His little nimble hands. That's how he gets the cock in.

What's he doing nowadays? I don't know. I think he just works somewhere in Florida. What's his name? I don't want to say it on air because it sounds like I just said he had a... Oh, yes, the statute of limitations is probably over. Statute of limitations on rape is two years.

He's shitting in shoes or something like that. Sean Allen, the pocket pisser? I'm going to go with selling luggage. Does he sell luggage? Did he go to FSU? It says athletic site, then that's not him. No. Would it be Florida sexual offender?

It could be. No, that's not him. Oh my God, that guy's terrifying. He's got giblets. That guy's got a three foot neck. Jack, have you ever... What was that, Kevin?

No, I'm just saying, like, this just made me kind of sad, man, because as awesome as that shit sounds, I realize I'm past the point in my life where I could pee in someone's pockets with no... Yeah, no, we were 17, man. You can pee in anyone's pocket you want. You guys, you take that, younger listeners. And you run with it.

Don't take that. Don't take that. Don't take that. Don't do that. Do you tell people if you just ate a cupcake full of cum and pubic hair and shit? You have to keep that to yourself as well, right? I mean, you just beat the person. Yeah, you beat them up? Yeah, whoever did it to you.

Shaq, were you ever bullied in high school or anything like that? Funny thing is, nobody ever bullied me because I was very antisocial. Yeah. And I never talked to anybody. So they all thought I was like, after Columbine happened, they all thought. Columbine was the best thing that ever happened to Weird Quiet Kids. They all got left alone after that. That is a sentence to go down in history, Marcus.

Everyone who's ever done anything wrong. Write it on my headstone. That's a good point, though. You're not going to have a headstone. You're going to have a horse, and we're going to spray paint on it. I had this job I worked at, and I told a Columbine joke. I don't remember what it was. It was tasteless.

It's a Columbine joke. You shouldn't be telling them. Fucking girl was there was that Columbine. It's like, what joke. You know, you shouldn't be telling them. Fucking girl was there. Was that Columbine? He's like, what are the fucking chances in the middle of New York? It's like, ah, Jesus Christ. Hey, is there a girl named Sandy Hook? Probably. There has to be.

Right? Oh, my God. Look it up. That's got to be awful. Yes, it does, Holden. You can't look up Sandy Hook girl and try to find it. That's his awful image shirt. I'll tell you, Columbine and Sandy Hook make this gal who put the...

Sandy Hook Facebook. That's how you find it. Those events make this gal who put the cum and the pubic hair in the muffin seem like a real okay gal. A good student. Sure. I mean, honestly, it's not that you know, that big of a deal. I mean, I feel like we've all ingested horrible shit. We just don't know about it, you know?

I mean, if you didn't know, I mean, that's why, you know, whatever. I give her the fucking Woman of the Day award. Woman of the Day. Not bad. Not bad. But she didn't keep it a secret. She laughed at everybody. That's the problem, yeah.

Did you want to kill everybody in high school, Shaq? Did they have reason to suspect that you were dangerous? Well, kind of. Mainly the jocks. Because at one point, I was actually an athlete in junior high school. Basketball, football track? Basketball. Okay.

But then everybody started growing. And I didn't. So I ended up getting cut from the basketball team as a freshman. I was destroyed. But, like, it really hurt me. So, like, all the jocks, I wanted to kill them. Yeah. Just because you weren't good enough at basketball?

He was good enough. He wasn't tall enough. I wish we could have changed bodies. It was a big thing. It was like where I'm from, like on the west side of Chicago, it was a big thing. Like if you weren't a jock. Well, this was Lincoln. I don't know if you went to Lincoln High School, but there was that documentary, Hoop Dreams,

was in Chicago, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, basketball was huge. Huge, huge. And, like, I went to an all-black school. And pretty much, if you weren't on the basketball team, you weren't getting any pussy. There's only 12 guys on the team. They were getting all the pussy.

They were killing it. They were the 1%. This was the original Occupy movement. Just Shaq Stanley sitting there scribbling really hard on the paper. And I hated all of them. Yeah. So, you're saying you couldn't write these lovely ladies poetry and they they would you could do that and they wouldn't go home with you.

No, they wanted they wanted guys who could dunk. You want to try to be the towel boy who fucks the fat cheerleader. Oh, that's not a bad idea. It's a good place to be. Yeah, man. Fucking the fat cheerleader. Highly underrated. It's a great time.

This is the funny thing. Man, fucking the fat cheerleader. Highly underrated. It's a great time. This is the funny thing. Wait, wait. So after I got cut, I remember the day I got cut, one of the coaches was like, Shaq, you covered the team, but you're welcome to stay on as the equipment manager.

Oh, that's so offensive. That's awful. I would kill him right there. It was the first time I really felt like I could murder another human being. Right, right, right. Yeah, because that's the thing. Everyone loves you if you're on the basketball team, or they just don't know you exist if you're not on the basketball team.

But if you're the equipment manager... You get bullied. Yeah, everybody fucking hates the shit out of you. This was a good strategy to avoid being bullied. It just could be nothing. If you've got to be the equipment man, just don't do it. People are terrified. I'm scared now, man. I'm completely uninvolved. People are really scared, man.

So what's going to happen to this girl? Do you get kicked out of school when you do this? Yeah, you get kicked out of school. She got suspended. I don't think she's been charged with anything. Okay, good. Yeah. I hope they let it go. We can move on to Australia news. Yeah, let's do that.

Oh, yeah, Australia. Yeah, yeah. I love Australia, and they have a lot of beautiful women there. Oh, right. Okay. That was, was that code? Was that a fucking coded message? That was not a code.

Have you seen these pictures, dude? What pictures? No, hold on. I'm not sharing them. Nobody has seen them. Have you seen the pictures? Nay. Nay, you have not.

It is pretty unreal. I'm just going to go ahead and say that. They're pretty amazing pictures. All right. Very good. Are you in trouble now? No, no. All right. Very good. Are you in trouble now? No, no. Just talk.

You know, this podcast doesn't ruin my life. You know? All right. Can we see? No, no, no. I think maybe afterwards. No, afterwards. Definitely afterwards.

There was a pizza picture. I'll show you the pizza picture. Your eyes will pop out of your face like a fucking cartoon dog. Let's get this show over. Is it time for a segment? No, it's not. Let's go to a segment from Holder Maynard. 17 minutes in.

All right. Dogs in Queensland are getting high by licking the poison off cane toads. Vets are warning some pooches may become addicted to the hallucinogenic and are risking their lives trying to get their next toad fix. It's being reported that dogs have worked out how to lick the toad just enough to get high. Fuck yeah. It was always a rumor that kids were doing that, but I never actually met anyone who had done it. It seems like a difficult way to get the drugs into your system, having to lick the frog.

Is there a drug that stems from this frog? It's poison that comes off of their backs. As a defense to predators. And you lick it and then you get all fucking poison. You trip balls. Do they make a pill form of it or a sheet of acid of it? No.

I think you just straight up have to lick the toad. It's like a redneck drug. It's like huffing paint. Well, that or, what's the one where the shaman has to spit into ayahuasca, where a shaman chews up a bunch of leaves and shit and spits it in your mouth and you gotta drink that? I think I would rather lick a toad. You know, what you can do with the toad is really what you

want to do is you want to milk the toad. You want to milk the toad? Yeah. Put it in a muffin. Which you get there. You milk the toad's poison glands. You stroke the animal under its chin to initiate the defensive poison response. And then the liquid toxin is collected and dried. And then it can be used for psychedelic purposes.

This is my favorite form of defense. I wish humans had this. I'd be picking fights constantly just to start tripping nuts when people sprayed me with their defensive juices. I go ahead and call it my favorite drug just because it's kind of like meat. Yeah. Yeah. Eddie probably would eat the whole toe. What happens if you just swallow one of these things?

Would you die? I don't know if you'd die, but you'd probably trip pretty hard. I mean, they're huge toes. You ever seen a cane toe? No, I never saw one. Boom, dude. Like gigantic. Oh, yeah, man. Are they in Florida?

They're my worst nightmare. They're everywhere. That's right, you hate toads. Yeah, in Australia especially, they're a big, big problem. They're overrun. It's kind of funny, in my environmental class in high school, I saw a documentary about these toads. I did as well. Ah, yes, they have the car rolling down the street just squashing toads because literally they're everywhere. Yeah, and you can just

this car's driving down the street, you just hear pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, because it just keeps running over to it. Because they're everywhere. Yeah, and you can just, if this car's driving down the street, you just hear pop, pop, pop, pop, pop because he's just running over toads. Because there's just everywhere. Like, you just get the entire fucking road

is covered in toads. It's horribly disgusting. And then the rednecks, they lick them and they trip their balls. Yeah. You know? Yeah, dogs would die

around the neighborhood sometimes when they get a hold of a bad toad. Mm-hmm. Eat a bad toad. Man, fuck amphibians, man. You don't want to say that. You don't say that. I hate them as a whole of a bad toad. Eat a bad toad. Fuck amphibians, man. I hate them as a whole fucking genus, man. What's your least favorite amphibian?

All types of frogs and toads, man. Yeah. What about salamanders? Oh, they're so cute. I'm already not a big fan of lizards, man. You add slipperiness to it, it's even worse. It's disgusting. I just wish there was a tadpole the size of my arm.

You know? Something like that. She had something to kiss. Or like my own cum, if the sperm was like giant. Hey, where is she? Where's the bitch? Where's the bitch? Is Josh over there?

He doesn't use a hammer just to fucking get it down. Florida must have been terrifying for you. Oh, no, it really was, man. Yeah, too many. You lived on the sticks, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We lived like, you know, there's swamps and shit, man. Yeah.

And that's why I started to get afraid of frogs and stuff, man, because, you know, the tree frogs are out there. Oh, yeah. And the hurricane season, you shutter up the windows. Literally every window in the house had like 15 frogs in it. It's disgusting. It's a horror movie. And they pee at you when they jump? Yeah. Yeah, they do. They pee when they jump?

It's so demeaning. Anytime you catch... Whenever you catch them, yeah, they piss all over your hands. Oh, it's disgusting. Yeah. They need to be gone. But I guess the dogs are enjoying it. All this is making me love frogs so much more and more. I love frogs.

I love what you guys say. I like them. I'm still down. Yeah. I just hope these fucking toads are mad, man. They're sitting there like, man, these juice is supposed to keep me safe. Motherfuckers licking my back. Yeah, this is really...

This really worked out poorly for them. Their defense, everyone turned out to love it. That's not good. Lick them just a little bit everyone turned out to love it. That's not good. Lick them just a little bit. Just a tiny little bit. Through trial and error, they found out how much is too much. How much is not enough. Because they've

got some dogs that keep going over and over and over again. And it's starting to build up in their system and really hurt the poor things. Because they don't know. Well, they're addicts. They're animals. They're out there in the streets of Australia begging for change and things. That's not right. Australia don't have. Well, they're addicts. They're animals. They're out there in the streets of Australia begging for change and things. That's not right. Australia don't have streets.

You know that. Oh, that's right. They don't have change. They don't have currency either. That's very good. Yeah, this is probably the worst defense an animal could have. It's pretty bad. Something that makes people happy.

You know? What's wrong with you, Jackie? Where'd you go? Where'd you go, Jackie? I was just thinking about what a dog would be seeing when he starts to hallucinate. Yeah. Well, they're colorblind, so do they start seeing colors? I don't know, man.

Very good. Jackie, how much did you drink last night? What's wrong? And why did you get suntan? I just rummed last week. I'm still peeling from my burn. Oh, this is right. You were in Tampa.

Yeah, all my skin's coming off. The more you rub it, the more skin comes off. Oh, that's just right. You were in Tampa. Yeah, all my skin's coming off. The more you rub it, the more skin comes off. Oh my goodness. Just like Holden's penis. The old Parmesan shaker. That's disgusting. Love you. Love you, penis.

Is that what you tell it? That's what I'm saying right now. It listens to the podcast. What do you think about amphibians, Shaq? Do you like amphibians? Hey, man, I love everybody. Now you do. Except those 12 basketball players that made the team. Have you been thinking about that this whole time?

If I ever find any of you, you're dead. Oh, no. But you're doing very well. You're on a television show. Nah, man, I hold on to crutches for a long time. Yeah, for years. I mean, this is over a decade now. I never let anything go. Hell yeah, Shaq.

I agree with that. But they didn't cut you because you weren't good. I mean, you know, you have to be tall to play basketball. That's true. Tell that to Muggsy Bogues. Yeah, man. Well, Muggsy wasn't an anomaly. Muggsy Bogues. My favorite hornet. Yeah, tell that to Spud Webb, sir. But these are all guys. There's no more Muggsy

or Spud. You have to have an amazing name and be super short. Nate Robinson's tiny. Yeah, that's true. I got to meet Larry Johnson. I cried the whole time because I didn't get to meet Mugsy Bogues. He was like over on the side.

I got in the wrong line. Really? So you grew up in Charlotte, so this is the Charlotte Hornets. Yeah, Charlotte Hornets. I cried. I was all mad. I was like,

I want to meet the freak. I want to meet the freak. Well, maybe that's why they didn't. Maybe they ushered you in. Bugs is actually the normal one. And Larry Johnson's a fucking gigantic freak, man, who dresses in a dress. Oh, grandma was one of the best things that's ever happened. There was that trend in the NBA where all those dudes were wearing dresses for a minute.

Dennis Rodman, Larry Johnson. That was awesome, man. I think it was only two. Well, that's it. But that's okay. That's a lot, though. Mitt, you Dennis Rodman, Larry Johnson. That was awesome, man. I think it was only two. Well, that's it. But that's okay. That's a lot, though. Everyone loves... You should have tried that, Shaq.

You should have worn a dress to practice the cutting day and they would have let you in for character reasons. All right, well, if I can go back in time. You were obviously sad about it. I was all good, man.

But if I ever see any dudes on the street, it's over. Yeah, what do you do to them? Just rub my success in their face. But that's about it. I wouldn't, like, kill them or anything. Yeah, but what if they're also successful? Well, that would be a difficult situation. That's always the worst.

Because, you know, sometimes assholes in high school really do very well with their lives. Yeah. And then you can't, like, ever win. Oh, that's always sad. Yeah. It doesn't matter. All right, Marcus. Go ahead.

What's wrong with you, Jackie? No, nothing. Jackie, where are you? I was just emoting loud. Where are you? Yeah. Is that why they call them emoticons? Oh, maybe.

Yes, because they emote. They provide an emotion to a text message. I never knew that. Figure that shit out? Just figure it out. How could you not figure that out? That's the first thing that you think of. I just thought it was a stupid name for something dumb.

It is that, but it's got a purpose. Jackie, in your opinion, who is the most huggable celebrity? Ooh. That's a good question. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oliver Platt. Oliver Platt. That's what I'm talking about.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is a little too bony, but I guess she's got that plumpy ass. Plumpy big titties. Yeah, yeah. She's pumped out now. She's like 40-something. If you were to rub your face on any celebrity's titties,

who would it be? Sofia Vergara. Okay, cool. I'm just warming up for the lightning round. Very good. Oliver Platt has the perfect name to describe his body. Yeah. It's a platt.

He looks like an Oliver Platt. Yeah. That is huggable. He was the sexy one in The Three Musketeers. Yeah. That's a terrible movie. He was the sexy one? To me yeah

I like that Yeah we'll do that Lightning round yeah Perfect Kevin what's a perfect Titted celebrity Perfect titted celebrity Perfect titted celebrity

I mean Sofia Vergara Is up there man And she's like older Which is crazy Yeah She's fucking crushing it still Kate Upton Oh Kate Upton's great

Kate Upton's really doing well There's Yeah I love to think about women That'll never talk to us Yeah Oh man You're right Okay Alright Marcus This is really doing well. I love to think about women that will never talk to us. Oh, man. Okay. All right, Marcus.

Let's move on. So dogs are licking toads in Australia. We are moving on to Brazil. Oh. Yeah, going down south. Speaking of beautiful women, yeah. A Brazilian fan was killed after a toilet bowl was thrown at him from above during violent clashes in the Northeastern World Cup host

city of Recife during a soccer game. This is a really crazy thing. Marcus, show them the video. It's a video? It's a video. These guys threw three toilets off of a balcony into just a crowd of people and they got one. Where did they get them from? Angry fans reportedly ripped three toilet bowls out of the stadium bathrooms and threw

them from the stands. Oh my God. It's just like one flew over the cuckoo's nest. It's just because soccer isn't that violent of a sport, but the violence comes with all the fandom. It's all about the... It's the most boring fucking sport. Where does the rage come from?

Because they get so into it, and it just builds up more and more and more and more until finally something snaps. They're just frustrated because nothing's fucking happening. I think so, too. They just get pissed off. And it's all they got. We have basketball, hockey, football, baseball.

They just got soccer and it sucks. I've never heard of anybody getting into a fight of a parking lot after a UFC fight because they just saw a bunch of violence. They're good. Those fuckers are insane. I don't know. I bet a lot of that shit just doesn't get reported because they just fight each other. Yeah, that's true.

Those cocksuckers are fucking nuts. Whoa. Whoa. They are. They're nuts. Whoa. They're crazy. I think we need to bleep that.

I think we might have to bleep that. Uh-oh. I think he needs to time out. Jack, what's your question? Isn't it extremely difficult to rip a... Yes. It's not easy to pull out a toilet. Not to be a giant Native American.

I would quit. I would be like, this is too hard. I'd rather just pee on them or something. Yeah, what happened to the good old-fashioned just pissing on the audience below? They were doing it. The old toad booth. Oh, yeah? I'm sure of it.

Roundabout way. Okay. One of the toilets struck a fan identified as 26-year-old Paolo Ricardo Gomez de Silva, killing him instantly. Here is a video. This is actual CCTV footage. It's just about

five seconds of it looped over and over again so you can really get what this is all about. Do we see this guy die? Well, but not really. It's YouTube. You just see three toilets.

Oh my God. YouTube's full of people. It just looks like a rainy street. And just notice how fast these toilets fall. There's all these people gathered over here

on the left side of the screen. Just hanging out, screaming about something. Alright. Three toilets. And those come fast. And then immediately the horse cops roll in. Horse cops! Oh my god! Wow, they were really fast with those horses.

Not fast enough because three toilets already got to be thrown out of a window. That is a nightmare. Man, they get the Olympics and the World Cup in two years. Wow. This is going to be insane. The Olympic Committee said that they have never seen a city more unprepared. Oh, even Russia.

And Russia was considered the least prepared. Honestly, that was actually a spin that the American press did. They were way more prepared than it made it look in those articles. Oh, really? Yeah. You and Putin's corner? Yeah, why you beat all fucking pro-Russian over there? I love Putin.

I think Putin should be our next fucking Obama. He's a lot like Obama, isn't he? Yeah, a million times over. He's handsome. There's so much alike. If only they could get over their problems, I think they'd be friends. Yeah, that's the thing. He is handsome.

Well, there are very homophobic people in Russia. True. That is true. So that's a problem. And your brother just got married. Just got married. It was a wedding weekend. Chris and Don.

Chris Nenez. No longer a Kissel. He stepped up in the world. And Don Nenez. And it was a wonderful wedding. So he took his name. Yeah, how does that get to him? I don't know if he took his name or not.

But I said he should. Your dad has a weird name. Banked. That is fucking the weirdest. My dad's name is Banked, and my parents did not go to the wedding. Banked? Banked Kissel. He didn't go to the wedding?

They didn't. Very embarrassed. How is that spelled? B-E-N-G-T. Banked is German. How fucked up is that name? It's almost like a Nazi named him. Yeah, exactly.

It's no Nazi name. It's homophobic. Anybody with. Yeah, exactly. No, a Nazi did not name him. I found out, by the way, No. My opa met Kennedy, and he met four city presidents. Does it make him not a Nazi? Yeah, it does. And he was a very important person

when it comes to labor unions. Yeah, because he was Jewish and a Nazi? Well, I don't know why you say that. He met Kennedy? Yeah, he met Kennedy. I think I remember that, because your dad called. He met Kennedy? Yeah, he met Kennedy. I think I remember that because your dad called Kennedy the Catholic Hitler.

No, he did not. No, he did not. Are you sure you're not confusing your Opa with Forrest Gump? Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep.

Great t-shirt business. How did they decide who would take what last? No, I think they're just going to do a Nienes-Kissel connection. I think it's going to be a hyphenated situation. Nienaz. Banked Nienaz. No, his name is Chris.

No, I know, but that's just a terrible... Banked Nienaz. Banked Nienaz. You know, Banked is a Swedish name. Isn't that so? It is the Swedish form of Benedict. Very nice. And you're Benjamin.

Benjamin, Benjamin. Yeah. You're not Bank-juman? No. My middle brother's name is Bank, though. My middle name is Grant. This is exciting.

It's also, I believe Banked is the sound. Your name is Kevin Michael Barnett. Yeah. That's nice. And what's the Banked

the sound of? The Banked is the sound when a dog rapes a cat. No, that is not true. Let's do the middle name game. No. James. I'm James.

Old H.J. McNeely. Yeah, H.J. McNeely. H.J. McNeely. And then Marcus, you have the blackest name of anybody in the room. Marcus Jordan Parks. Marcus Jordan Parks, yes. Edward? William Larson.

Are we done? Yeah, we have to. This is important for the listeners to really get to know us. Jacqueline Marie. Happy? Are you fucking happy? It's not fun. It's not crazy.

Jacqueline Marie Zabrowski. All right, and Shakira what? Shakira As Shakir Asmar Asmar Stanley That's the best name You have the best one Asmar is the name of a king

You know Sure I don't think it means anything But We'll see about that Or the name of like a Like a hitman in space Yeah like some type of

Dragon Ball Z villain Asmar It's gonna have to be A-Z-M-A-R Is it with a would have to be A-Z-M-A-R. Is it with a Z? No, no, no. A-S-M-A-R. Oh, because if it was with a Z, you'd have an airline out of Iraq to claim, but...

Nope. Asmar sounds like where your family's from. Shakira of Asmar. So one would say that the last five minutes was a complete and utter waste of time. One could say that. They could. But Asmar is a town in Afghanistan

in the Kunar province. That makes sense. It's the district center of the Bar Kunar district. Isn't that something? Which is in the most southern part of the district. I've never been. I've never been either. I haven't gone yet. My father's name

is Gondo. Oh, actually this is fun. You'll enjoy this, Holden. Very good. Fuck me. My father's name is Lulo. I thought it was Gondo. No, it's two different names. Oh, I see. Asmar is a combination of two Pashto words. Ass, horse, and mar, snake.

Horse snake. So Asmar means horse snake. Horse snake, nigga. That's amazing. That's kind of great. Horse snake. Yeah, horse snake's amazing. Horse snake fucking coming out the fucking block with his shit.

Oh, shit, here comes horse snake. Yeah, you motherfuckers better run. Horse snake is in the field. Who would ever fuck with a dude with a horse snake? He doesn't even rhyme. He just kills people. Man, imagine a galloping snake. Terrifying.

That is actually... Now I just see a really funny thing, which is a snake with horse legs, like a huge one, running down the field. God shouldn't let me exist. Oh, my God, that horse snake just talked. Oh, my God, it's a fucking horse snake.

That's a weird day for farmer and daughter. Someone draw that, please. Draw that and then draw a horse with snake legs, which is no legs. And it's virtually useless. I would like to see both. Actually, no, I got it for you right here. Here's a picture of a horse with snake legs. Oh, there it is.

A horse with snake legs. I like that. That's disgusting. It's a picture of a horse with snake legs. Oh, there it is. A horse with snake legs. I like that. That's disgusting. Oh, my God, there's so many snake heads. A lot of snake heads. That is awesome. Yeah, they could never get up. The horse part of that is just useless.

Yeah, yeah. The snake part is terrifying. Yeah, the horse part just screams. Yeah. It's creepy. We found a way to make the middle name thing work. That was great. Thank you.

It took many paths as if navigating through a dungeon and we finally got to the fucking treasure. That's why I have the computer. It's a real HH Holmes situation As far as navigating through Dungeons Ghost and things Alright Marcus

Let's do another news story Alright let's do another news story Is it about a train? What do you mean? You're upset with the Brazilian stuff? They got my goat man No pun intended With the toilets What do you think?

Who the fuck are the assholes man? Why don't you just go fight them? But that kid threw a fucking shopping cart off... I mean, it happens everywhere. It's just dumb shit. Yeah, I mean, I give him credit for ripping... Brazil's out of hand. I mean, you've seen that...

Someone's got to go down there and do some policing. I think America might be on the line. Yeah. Wasn't there that movie... Weren't people tied to a toilet or handcuffed to a toilet in the movie Boondock Saints and they couldn't get off? They couldn't rip the toilet out of the wall? I mean, I got to give these guys credit for at least being ambitious.

It's like Eddie said earlier. It's Brazil. Nothing's really tied down all that hard. That's the thing. The real problem is the fucking rainforest. Chop it down. Well, I don't know why you're saying that. It's giving them too much energy.

Energy. It's the energy. Take the wind out of their sails. I think they have so much. Chuck down their forest, put them on Adderall, they'll be fine. Yeah, they need focus. And bring some of those asses to America. The asses are making them crazy.

The asses are making them crazy. That's the only reason we haven't destroyed that country. That's their biggest export. Their asses are making them crazy. That's the only reason we haven't destroyed that country. That's their biggest export. Huge asses. Oh, the women are amazing. Horsenegg likes Brazilian asses. I believe that a horsenegg would love them. Yeah, I think Brazil has the best butts.

Oh, yeah. There's no question. Yeah, no one even argues it at all. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? I'd risk it all, man. I'd go down there. I'd risk getting a toilet thrown at me. There's no question. Yeah, no one even argues it at all. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? I'd risk it all, man. I'll go down there. I'd risk getting a toilet thrown at me.

A bus like that? It's worth it, man. Definitely. I mean, you've already been pissed off by a frog. I mean, what's worse? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd get a toilet thrown at you. I'd hit my low point, man.

Machi, machi. Definitely. Now we're just looking at Brazilian ass. There's just so many. Let me see it. Let me look. Let's look at one. This is perfect.

Wow. Damn, damn. That is interesting. Oh, man. Jackie's look at one. This is perfect. Wow. Damn, damn. That is interesting. Jackie, what do you think about these Brazilian butts? Man, I just want to put some fucking butter on it. I do, too. No. But see, Kevin, it's interesting.

You're such an ass guy, but you don't like to eat the butt. I don't eat the butt, man. We've been through this. You appreciate it, though. You just like to look at it like in a museum, you know? I see it from afar, and I appreciate it. Also, it's a grab factor. Yeah.

There's a lot of things you can do with a butt and not eat it, man. Yeah. Well, I suppose. Grab it. Yeah, dude. I like trees. I don't eat trees. I guess so.

I like balloons. I don't eat them either. It's true, man. I'm a big fan of the bison. I find it to be beautiful. Hey, man, let me tell you something. Horse snake eats that butt. We got another pro butt eater here.

It's good. It's usually just me and Ben. It's very sad. Very sad. Very tough for us. My friend actually just today sent me, it was like a five minute video. It was funny as shit, but it was like a dude just talking about eating butt. Nigga man, real niggas out there,

we eat that butt. For like five minutes. It was funny. I agree, Shaq. You're a butt guy. That's right, man. You're in there. That's right. Jackie likes to have it eaten, so we're all good. Good for everybody. He kept calling me and saying,

you got a Lamborghini in your butt cheeks So he was just sitting on the couch with his legs up Sitting on the couch with his legs up like that Saying it was like Lamborghini doors Before his asshole And he's just like you do that to the girl And you get it done to you man Real niggas get they ass ate

Wait wait wait See I don't know about this Men are disgusting I'm with Horsenake on this one I don't want the butt to be eaten If a girl eats my ass I don't know about this one. Men are disgusting. I'm with Horsesnake on this one. I don't want the butt to be eaten. If a girl eats my ass, I don't want to ever know her again. Women shouldn't be doing that nonsense. She's ruined.

Mark is the only one in the corner for getting his ass eaten. She ate my ass. Don't talk to her. Don't kiss her. Oh my goodness. Brown streaks all over her cheeks. Don't even feed her, man. You cook her good food. It's ruined because all it's going to taste. Oh my goodness. Brown streaks all over her cheeks. Don't even feed her, man. You cook her good food. It's ruined because all it's going to taste like is my ass.

Yeah, honestly, I feel like if a girl like I hooked up with a girl and then found out she ate Ed's ass out, it'd be like the end of Soylent Green. Oh, yeah. I'd just be like, people! No, that's the twist. You can't marry somebody who fucking ate Ed's ass. I'd always be seeing Ed bent over just laughing at his ass.

Her face just shoved in his fucking ass. You know, eating a salami sandwich. You know, Holton said he likes you. Jack, if you ever get to meet those high schoolers that you hate, you got to fucking have their girlfriends eat your ass. That would be a good revenge. I'm all about that. I'll have a girl eat my ass,

but then again, I'll also eat a sandwich off the floor or something. Doesn't matter. Well, that's just a creepy sentence. Marcus Parks, he'll just need to say, why do you eat the sandwich off the floor? Why would you put it on the sandwich plates for thousands of years? Yeah. Marcus is the weirdest one.

You can eat another sandwich by yourself. Yeah, sandwiches ain't hard to find, man. Yeah. They're everywhere. Sandwiches are literally everywhere. It's so easy to get a sandwich. Sometimes I buy a sandwich, I only have half of it, and then I don't even care about the other part.

At any point, you would end two minutes of another sandwich, man. I never look at you the same again. Definitely not. Yeah. He's always looking around. You have to Respect for yourself man I don't understand it Yeah you gotta love yourself dude

I love myself very much That's good Alright Alright Let's see so we had the toilet story Anything else about the Brazilian toilet story Fuck em Especially their butts

Don't eat em Let's move on Anything else about the Brazilian toilet story? Fuck them. Okay. Especially their butts. Oh, my God. Don't eat them. Let's move on. Don't do it. Oysters for the first time is a matter. If you eat oysters, I think you can eat a butt. Anyway.

It's all good. I love that butt. All right. Move on. Hey, man, we're learning lessons today. Today is good. All right. A particularly passionate shopper pecked his way through an Omaha store last week in a series of unrequited encounters with customers and employees.

Police say a 35-year-old man kissed and groped women and a man inside a Walgreens store on April 23rd. The man first went to the photo processing area, then moved on and kissed an employee in aisle nine. He grabbed a customer's buttocks before approaching another woman, grabbing her face, saying, hey, baby, kissing her, and squeezing her bottom. The woman pushed him away.

He continued to make his way through the store at 72nd Street and Crown Point Avenue, tossing items as he went. At one point, he struggled to open a package, put it down, and tried to kiss yet another woman. This guy is just shopping right now. So nice. The man later jumped over a counter, a male employee stepped in his way, and the man tried to plant a smooch on his face.

The shopper was escorted from the store only to return a few minutes later, take a seat on the counter, and refuse to get down. He was later charged with misdemeanor sexual assault and three counts of disturbing the peace. It's just kisses. You can't get in too much trouble. And as he was escorted from the store for the final time, the man licked an employee's head. Oh, that's where he got in trouble. He's on drugs. He's just kissing.

I don't know if he's just... I think he's harassing and grabbing a bunch of people who don't want to be kissed. He is. It's funny, though. I think it's just so funny to watch him try and kiss someone and then knock a bunch of shit off his shelf. Like he's a fucking cat. It's like, why'd you do that, man? Come here.

Come here. Knock it off the shelf. It's kind of romantic, though. Would you have given this guy a kiss, Jackie? Yeah. If you're going to be that bold. What do you look like? What do you look like? What do you look like?

I don't even have the guy's name. Oh, damn. Yeah, it's just a misdemeanor maybe and they can't report it? Yeah, it's just misdemeanor. I mean, they can report it, definitely. But apparently the Omaha News has higher standards. The God is Age. Omaha, Nebraska? Yeah.

I feel like sexual assault is too high of a charge for kissing. Yeah, it really is. I feel like sexual assault... That's why it's misdemeanor. Oh, okay. Yeah. Felony sexual assault, that's something altogether. Yeah, you're getting a lot of trouble for that.

Yeah. You can let anybody kiss you. Well, you can. Is this worse or better than someone grabs an ass? I think it's better. Well, he was doing both. He did both, but I think grabbing the ass is better than kissing. Really?

You think so? Yeah. Because there's no fluids. No, I don't know about that. Kissing is a little bit more intimate. Yeah, it could. I think it's more bold. What about tickling someone's sides?

What's that? Dude, never. That's funny. Never a tickle. I hate that. You know, it's true. Actually, I have to agree. Actually, kissing is worse because prostitutes don't generally let you kiss them.

True. Is that just because of pretty women? Because it's more intimate than fucking. No, no, no. That's a thing. But on the other hand, if you're courting a woman, then it's very possible that it is more socially acceptable to kiss her before you grab the ass. You're not allowed to grab the ass.

Not before you kiss her first. Who says that? Why? I don't know. He can grab an ass anytime. I don't know. I think you're a bad example, Jack. No, no.

I feel like all asses are up for grabs. Not everybody needs a grab. Yeah! Up for grabs! Alright, well, Jackie said it, so everyone go out there, grab some ass. Grab some ass, take a picture of it, send it to us.

Also, I mean, you're gonna get slapped at some point, but man, that's that fiery passion that a woman needs in her day. Just being groped. Have you ever been groped on the subway? No, nobody wants to fucking grope me, man. Fucking have at.

I got meat. Alright, stop slapping your thighs. Good lord. She just slapped it on herself. Oh my goodness. Yeah, so anybody, any of those round tablers out there, especially if you're Jack and E's, hey, I'll give you a free Holdenator pass.

You can grab on Jack E's here on the street. Yeah. As long as it's not belly or breasts, then it's fine. All butter below, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or my arms. So pussy's fine. They can just grab.

Pussy's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pussy's fine. If you can catch it, then you can grab it. Is there one part of you that you will not let a man touch intimately on the street? On the street? Yeah. I would say, yeah, don't touch my face.

Face is bad. You can kiss me, but just don't touch my face. Face to face, okay. No hand to face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's interesting, Jackie. I feel like... Jackie lives inside of the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's interesting, Jackie. I feel like...

Jackie lives inside of Deadwood. Yeah. Most women disagree with Jackie. Man. You would have been great running a brothel. Yeah. Yeah, because I also would have been, like, corseted as fuck and, like, have all the layers, so it's like, you can't grab at a woman.

No, you can't. That's probably why they did it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you never know why they did it. I don't know. Anyone here ever groped anybody on the subway? I had my dick patted once. You had your dick patted once? I felt like a man

patted my dick. I think someone grabbed my ass, but it was just like, eh. It's just like you're walking by. The inside of the hand should never touch the ass. I think so. You keep your hands on the outside. Always knuckles out. I got groped by a homeless man on the beach when I was a kid. That's exciting.

When you were a child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going back. It was not a child in high school. We were drinking real hard on the beach. And we went back because I lost my keys or whatever. And this homeless guy was like, oh, I hope you find him. I hope you find him.

And he walked by and he kind of grazed against my nuts. And I was like, all right. Maybe he was just looking for the keys. That's exactly. And then it happened two more times. I was like, yo, man, you fucking keep touching my dick. And then he ran away. You're a victim of sexual assault, Ed.

Are you okay? I'm fine. It was great. It was a nice experience. I prefer the winter on the subway because my long jackets conceal my erections. You bone up on the subway. Oh, Lord, yeah. Especially in the morning.

I think I'm still dreaming about pussy, like halfway, so in the morning. You do actually get boners on the subway? Oh, big time, especially in the morning, man. Yeah, yeah. No boners on the subway. You ever go? Never on the subway. Oh, my God.

Oh, absolutely, yeah. Constantly. All men on the subway are hard except for Ben. Oh, I saw this fucking girl today, too. I saw this just thin, redhead, big tits, thin as fuck, on the high heels. But you just get hard just looking at the shit? I just started boning up on the platform, man. I was like, think about kids, think about kids.

And then, luckily, it went away. What are you thinking about kids? Well, I think you want to get rid of the boner. To get away from it. Oh. To get away from it. Oh, to get away from it. That's the last thing you should use, though, Ben. No, think about baseball. That's going to start getting fused.

Yeah, yeah. You should never say, think about kids out loud three times in a row again. Oh, yeah, you got to stop. So when you're having sex with your girlfriend, but you don't want to come, you think about kids? No, no, I think I was going to say I think about her. I'm not going to say that, though. That's mean. It's out there, man.

I like that, though. But he said it. That is so funny. It's funny. It's a joke, though. It's a funny joke. Yeah, it's a joke. I love my girlfriend's big, fun tits.

I love her. Keep on talking. I don't want to see your girlfriend no more. Oh, man. She's done with you. He doesn't listen. She doesn't listen to this. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

I'll make sure she listens. I thought it was really good. Yeah, a little part there. But definitely. What do you think about... That's a good one-liner, though. That's a funny one-liner, though. Yeah, you think about kids

when you don't want to come when you're having sex with your girlfriend. No, I think about my girlfriend, which then implies that you get aroused by children. Perfect. Shaq, what do you think about

if you don't want to come? There's a very funny YouTube video called I'm the Juggernaut Bitch. Classic, man. Just go over some of those lines in my head and it's funny.

It's just... I'm a juggernaut bitch? It's a classic. It's in the I'm a juggernaut bitch I'm a juggernaut it's hilarious no I never saw it it's a classic yeah yeah it's in the hall of fame oh it really is

yeah it's one of the first like when people just dubbed over yeah animated just cartoons and shit but with naked voices no

it was funny man it's funny as shit and I gotta I gotta keep myself from laughing while I'm fucking yeah as long as you're thinking about

funny things is then you start laughing and that can fucking. Yeah, as long as you're thinking about funny things, then you start laughing, and that can put you in a whole different problem area. I like laughing during sex. Yeah? God damn it! You must be fucking... It's a song! Ghost!

He says the thing, because he doesn't tell you this, but he dresses up like a jack-in-the-box. I'm sure he does. And you have to turn the crank, which is his cock, and then he pops out of it, but he dresses up like a jack-in-the-box. I'm sure he does. All right? And you have to turn the crank, which is his cock. And then he pops out of it, and he starts laughing like that. He's a nightmare. He'll blow up like weird... Just like the slender man, weird dude.

That's it. You're just so genuine. You're the exact sound you make, too. Can't wait to play again. Can't wait to play again. Can't wait to play again. Yuck. You should only tell people where the next gas station is. That is the only thing you should ever be doing.

About five miles. It's always about five miles. Sir, I don't want to buy gas from you. Where is the next gas station? I'm saying all people know on. Three miles and down.

You are like four lizards pickled in a mason jar away from being the weirdest Texan. In a mile you'll see the skeleton of a dead rabbit. You take a left. Take a left there you'll see a man pissing. That rabbit died like four years ago.

What is wrong with you, Marcus? Oh, man. Well, there's other stories out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's plenty of other stories out there. A dead... I just feel like the deli... We got some chicken. I just killed it the deli... We got some chicken.

I just killed it in front of my fucking wife to make her come. Sir, I will make you another sandwich. Just stop eating the one on the floor, please. Please, you're stealing the bodega. We're all pegging you. Why are you wasting it? We'll use the meat in the middle. We'll use the meat in the middle to touch the ground.

Stop eating the bread. That's more like it. It's on the floor. We'll use the meat in the middle. We'll use the meat in the middle to touch the ground. All right. Stop eating the bread. It's more like it. Jesus. This will be the name of Marcus's Texas restaurant. The meat in the middle. That's great. That's actually a good name for a bar.

Yeah. The meat in the middle. You know, you mentioned me killing a chicken to get a woman off. Yeah. I've got a story about a man killing a cat to get a woman off. All right, well, let's hear about it. Oh, no. Man kills cat ritual. I love kittens, man.

I love cats. Shaq, you don't want to hear this story? I mean, I'm kind of intrigued, but... Okay. It's very interesting. Shaq, whenever you say you can't listen anymore, we'll move on. All right. Horse snake now, man.

Yeah, come on, horse snake. You got to fucking nut, we'll move on. All right. It's horse snake now, man. Yeah, come on, horse snake. You got to fucking nut up. Yeah, man. All right. A Calgary man faces jail time for the sadistic killing of a cat while having sex with his girlfriend on the floor of their garage. All right. Multitasker.

Oh, yeah. I don't understand what happened here. Crown prosecutor Gord Haight. This is Canada. Wow. This is Canada. This is Canada. Gourd hate. Wow. Gourd hate.

I wonder if he likes gourds. Kevin, how scared are you? That could be a sentence. How scared are you if you get pulled over by Officer Gourd Hate? I mean, in general, I'm scared because of several reasons. Race. But gourd hate probably adds nothing to the fear I already feel. My name's Officer Haight, boy.

Oh, my God. Not good. Well, he said that he did not specify the amount of time he would be seeking for Stephen Edward Alcorn, the accused. Alcorn ple the accused. Alcorn pleaded guilty November 1st to causing pain, suffering, and death to a cat the couple had acquired through a Kijiji ad a few days before it was killed on September 15th, 2012. What's a Kijiji ad? Kijiji? I looked up Kijiji.

Apparently, it's kind of Canadian classifieds. Oh, you can buy a German Shepherd for $1,500. That's very nice. $1,500? Yeah. Well, that's, yeah. Shepherd for $1,500. That's very nice. $1,500? Yeah. Well, that's, yeah. Canadian dollars, that's a good couple bucks. $6.

I think the loon is doing better than the dollar. The loon? It's called the loon. The loon, that's what they call it. Did he kill the cat while he was inside of her? I believe. And she liked it. It said the prosecutor in court that day, Joe Mercier, said the couple had discussed in advance what they planned to do

and then acquired a cat through the internet ad site. A tarp was put down on the floor. Go to the fucking shelter. What's wrong with this guy? He's like, I wanted to take that cat home and then just murder it. Why do you have to put out an ad saying I'm going to fuck a girl and kill a cat? Well, a tarp was put down on the floor. Mr. Alcorn cut the cat's throat and the cat bled on the girlfriend and was part of a sexual ritual.

As a result, the cat did die, and therefore, the charges before the court came. Oh, so if the cat would have lived, nothing would have happened to him? Possibly, yes. Did she come? She was down with this? Yeah, apparently. I mean, she helped him put down the tarp. Yeah, usually when a person puts down a tarp, especially a chick, before you have sex, you're going to have a good time.

But then sometimes a cat gets killed. Marcus, what's the other animal story as well? Oh. Yeah. We've got actually a couple of animals. Because this makes this animal story that you're about to read next seem much better. It's much better. Yeah.

A man accused of dousing his girlfriend's dog in hot sauce was sentenced to a year in county jail. That's so painful. That's terrible. Hot sauce hurts? If you put hot sauce on you it's going to hurt like fuck. Does it hurt your skin?

It does. We once covered Henry in hot sauce for a sketch in college and his entire body was on fire. Yeah, it seeps in and hurts. Wow. It's so funny. We literally emptied two entire bottles of hot sauce on him. You guys didn't think it would hurt him?

We didn't know. We never thought of him. Kevin didn't fucking know. Ben didn't fucking know. I wouldn't say. I do think he was. He was fucked up. It was so funny.

He came over to my house to buy some weed, and he was just like all red. Red. Hot cheese. They only pour so much hot sauce on me, man. It was so funny, man. Oh, man. We laughed and laughed. We literally emptied two bottles of Texas Pete on him in the middle of a sketch.

We could have got a milder hot sauce. Texas Pete sounds pretty spicy. So funny, man. Yeah, you could have got a milder hot sauce. Texas pizza is pretty spicy. So funny, man. Yeah, you can't do that, man. And dousing an entire dog in that, I feel terrible for that dog. But this guy went to prison for a year because of it. Good.

That's a little bit of a success. It's a puppy. Henry fucking asked for it. He's an idiot human being. Sure. Puppy didn't fucking ask for it. Gizmo, a dachshund-chihuahua mix, was three months old.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Gizmo. So small. Well, fuck chihuahua mix, was three months old. Oh, my God. Oh, Gizmo. Oh, my God. So small. Yeah. Well, fuck chihuahuas. You're right, Ben.

It's a dachshund-chihuahua mix. He was three months old on February 23rd when Miles became annoyed with the dog and poured hot sauce on it. The hot sauce got in the puppy's eyes and throat. And the previous owner took the puppy, which was having trouble breathing, and had its eyes swollen shut to ensure by fire station. Way worse. Only a year? Fucking castrate

this motherfucker. Castrate? I don't give a fuck. He's a piece of shit. And a three-month-old puppy? He might not even known. He might have been like, dogs love hot socks. Who knows that they don't? The puppy's eyes

are swollen shut. He didn't know that was going to happen, though. Yeah, no. He denied even pouring the hot sauce on the puppy. You know what? You know what I think?

I don't think he gets a year in jail. I think he gets a public beating. Yeah. No. Yeah, let everyone beat him. Right in the middle of town.

You're right. That's the way to do it. Beat the fuck out of him. With like socks and quarters and shit. Pour hot sauce on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put him in a bunch of hot sauce.

You don't hot sauce and feather somebody. You'll feather him. No. Just hot sauce him. Just hot sauce him. Maybe some blue cheese. Dress him up in a bumblebee costume. Yeah, Jackie, now you're making him into a nacho.

I'll fucking eat the shit out of his chicken wings, man. I'm looking for food. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I am hungry, too. I can go over some wings I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I am hungry, too. I can go over some wings. It doesn't... That's what he has to do.

He should eat super hot wings. He needs to have to eat the hottest wings ever. They're just hungry. They don't care what happens to this guy. But if you're in jail, I mean, you go to prison for one year. What are you in for?

I mean, rape, murder. I put hot sauce on him. Yeah. I poured fucking... One of these things doesn't... Good sense. You know what? He got probably beaten.

I'm sure he did. You know his roommate is like, you put hot sauce on a dog? Oh, three words. I love dogs. Oh, man, you killed your whole family. But I love dogs. I mean, this is bad.

Yeah, a year is too much. A year is too much, man. A year is too much. Too much. Public beating. Public beating. Public beating. Public beating, yeah, way better.

I mean, honestly, I would probably take the public beating. I want to be king of America so bad. Yeah. That's not the, I would probably take the public beating. I want to be king of America so bad. Yeah. That's not the way the season works. We all want you to be king of America. I just want fun punishments back for things. I don't want public beatings. Oh, yeah.

Why not? Why not? Don't worry, the police will do it. Yeah. You steal something, you lose a hand. That's why you don't steal. No, no, no, that's charia law. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't lose a hand. The first time they do it, you just rip out all their fingernails. That's... And you just bleed a little bit. Again. Yeah, it's great. And then guess what they'll never fucking do again? Steal.

Thank you. Oh, and by the way, this whole thing... Well, they're going to have to if they lose a hand because they can't get a job. That's why you just pull out their fingernails. They can still do shit. Yeah, just pull out the fingernails. Oh, okay. Take a week off and you'll be fine.

Believe me, they don't want that treatment again, man. They'll stop stealing blood. What do you think, Shaq? What do you think about that? You guys are harsh, man. Some people got to steal. I agree. Yeah, I have seen a lot of movie shots.

Depends on how much they steal. Depends on what they steal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, food. You break into someone's house, you take all their computers and their televisions and shit. No fingernails. Yeah.

But there's no toenails, too. Yeah. No, no, no. No, that's, you know, I think it's better than prison. Oh, you remove the fingernails. Yeah. But there's no toenails too. Yeah. No, no, no, no. That's, you know, I think it's better than prison. Oh, you remove the fingernails. Yeah.

But then also, you always know who a thief is because they ain't got no fucking fingernails. Yeah, they got no fingernails. That's kind of nice. They got no fingernails. Yeah, yeah. Brand knows fuckers.

I'm stealing a baby for me, a little female. Then that's fine. If you like food, anything for children, anything for dogs. Anyone who steals potatoes gets a pass.

Yeah. Basket of apples. Fine. Anything Aladdin would steal, it's fine. The Aladdin law. Yeah, the Aladdin code. Oh, yeah, you guys may be surprised. Well, actually, you probably wouldn't be surprised.

This all happened in Sarasota. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Lots of hot sauce down there. Oh, good hot sauce. Sometimes people are just bored down there, man. Oh, yeah. Lots of hot sauce down there. Oh, good hot sauce. Sometimes people are just bored down there, man. Yeah.

I can relate. I mean, I feel like he was upset with his girlfriend, right? Nah, well, he was upset with the dog. I mean, dumpin' hot sauce. It's a three-month-old dog. It's not good. What do you mean you're upset with the dog? Well, three-month-old dogs can be very bad.

He probably thought it would be hot. God, it's fucking adorable. We're looking at a picture of the little dog right now. God, it's fucking adorable. Look at him. We're looking at a picture of the little dog right now. We'll put it on the round table. Listen, man. Cute dog.

His eyes don't look swollen. His name's Bildy now. I'm unaffected. I love him. You like the dog. I like the dog. Someone posted a picture of an Indian

and said, fuck you on the... It's an Indian guy. Yes, yes, yes. Well, you know, in response to last week to us calling Native Americans scoop heads, I mean, no, there's

We made up. It's fine. I haven't seen this yet. He said his name is actually pronounced Malachlan. Okay. He's Irish, but he was born Native American. He was adopted by He transferred to Irish? This is a fan of ours. This is a fan of ours, yeah.

This person is just the worst of all. Let's hear what he had to say. Yeah, and he says, I was adopted, that's why I have an Irish name. Ia Pezzi Chase in the morning is my birth name. Ooh, it's such a...

He says that I'll give you a Wasichu pass again, but seriously, fuck you. Not happy with you, Jackie. No, he was talking to me. Yeah, but seriously, fuck you. Not happy with you, Jackie. No, he was talking to me. He was talking to you. Yeah, he was talking to me. Does he get mad when we're racist towards other people? I don't think so.

Well, he'll let us know. I'm sure he'll listen. He's a nice fan, and thank you for listening. He's a good guy. They don't fuck with Native Americans. I like them. They take that shit personally, man. There's not a lot of them.

I don't fuck with Native Americans, man. They can summon wolves and shit. Make it rain by you. I don't fuck with Native Americans, man. They can summon wolves and shit. Make it rain by you. I don't need that. I don't need none of that in my life. Big Indian for Predator. Scariest thing in the world. Cuts his chest and shit.

Alien coming at him. Invisible alien. They're just so big. They're a wonderful group of individuals. A rich culture. Yes. Very good. I don't like gambling.

Nightwolf, arguably unlikable, but I still respect him. I had a Nightwolf fan. Could never play as that dude. Was that your least favorite character? Mortal Kombat? Yeah, absolutely. I didn't like the Mexican either. The Mexican character sucked!

You said you wanted to kill Mexicans. We're not going to get into that. We all know. Who's the Mexican? Who are you talking about? The Mexican guy in Mortal Kombat. He had the sombrero. What was his name?

You're thinking of Kung Lao, and he wasn't fucking Mexican. He's Chinese. Really? Yes. What racist? Why did he have a sombrero on? His thing is kind of like a sombrero. It's a fucking blade hat.

This is a real Jersey boy. The blade hat. He wasn't Spanish. That's a Mexican thing to do. You put a bunch of knives in it. No, that is, you're projecting what you want to do for your wedding. The beliefs of Ed do not reflect the beliefs of the rest of the crowd. Nobody.

They don't even, they reflect no beliefs. My mind is blown right now. You thought he was Mexican. His name is Kung Lao. Is that his name? Kung Lao. I don't pay attention to names. How would you imagine?

That is... I swear to God, I thought this guy was Mexican. Let me see a picture of him. He does look Mexican. Yeah. Okay, he does kind of look Mexican. He's got fluorescent turquoise pants. All right, a little bit.

A little bit. I mean, I can kind of see it. I can kind of see it, but his name is Kung Lao. His name is Kung Lao. I didn't pay attention to the names. Well, it's a very important thing. I couldn't read, okay? That's good.

All right, so this guy put a bunch of hot sauce on the dog, but the dog's going to be okay. The dog's fine. Kung Lao fucking sucks. Kung Lao was great. He was very good. I liked working with him, actually. He was a lot better than the fucking Native American dude.

What was his name? Nightstalker? Night Wolf. Nighthawk? Cinemas. It's time for a segment from opening killing. Every now and again, he can't come up with something original, so he pulls this out of his back pocket.

That's right. It's a lightning round. It's usually better. It's a lightning round. It's usually better. It's a lightning round. Fuck you. Alright, so Marcus is going to keep the score. I'm going to ask a question. We're going to go around in a circle.

Fast answers. Quick on your feet. Everyone's going to give an answer. We'll keep going around in a circle. We'll start with someone new every time. Marcus is going to keep score. How are you going to do that, Marcus? With eyes. 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. Very good going to keep score. How are you going to do that, Marcus? With eyes. One, one, one, one, one.

Very good. Hashtags. Fantastic. Very good. Okay, so I'll start with the first question. Are you answering your own questions? No, absolutely not. I'm the game runner.

All right. I'm the game maker. If I answer my own questions, the game maker wins. So anyways, let's begin. All right. You just got a new horse what's his name Kevin Bird

quickly Ernie hallucinate snooty Terminator from hell Ernie I'm giving it to Ben that's a good name for a horse that's a race horse this time we'll start with Ben pass it around

okay question number two let's go with This time we'll start with Ben and we'll pass it to the left. Pass it around. Okay. That's exciting. Question number two. Let's go with change your last name. What's it going to be? Pavilion. Papillon?

Pavilion. Oh, okay. Yeah, Ben Pavilion. It's pronounced Pavilion. Stickman. Stickman. Rub's it big. Gorski. Okay.

Cicada. Cicada. What are you doing? You know what? I can also do this. We talked about it earlier. I can give first and second place. First and second place.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm going to give first place to Jackie. Yes. Rubzit Big. Second place to Gorky because you look like an Ed Gorky. Gorski. Oh, Gorski. Yeah, you can't give it to him then.

All right, let's get off the name game. You see a beautiful lady or man on the street. Big fat ass. What are you going to say? What's the pickup line? Starting with Sheck. Trying to eat that butt. Very good.

Just let me lick it. Come here, I want to show you something. Come here, I want to show you something. What's your favorite zoo? Just let me lick it. Come here, I want to show you something. Come here, I want to show you something. What's your favorite zoo? That's good. Have you ever heard of me? Giving it to Ben.

Second place to Kevin. Yeah, absolutely. Your favorite zoo is a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Is that allowed? Do it, actually. Yeah, that's a good one. Can I use that? Is that allowed? Do it, man. Thanks, I appreciate it. We're starting with Jackie now, right? Yeah.

Yeah, so they're making a new Disney movie. What's it called? My Slurp's All Wet. My Slurp's All Wet. Ju-Lon. Oh. Oh. I didn't see that movie.

Air Bud 3. That's baby. Air Bud 3. That's good. Air Bud 3 exists. Oh, does it? Oh, they did three of them? Yeah. Air Bud 4. I think he's playing hockey in three.

Nah, he's playing hockey in that one, huh? Nah. That doesn't involve jumping in the air. Anyways, Ben. The second one he plays is football. Oh, I'm going to say Mighty Ducks. The Mighty Schmucks. They went into business.

That's good. So rough. Hey, Minnie Mouse, I'm trying to eat that butt. I want to watch that one. Yeah, Shaq's going to get that one. Oh, man, not you, Ron. Well, you get second. All right. We're starting with Ed this time.

Why is Ed so fat? Oh, man, my mother. My mother. I'm going to say poor diet, low self-esteem when he's... I got great self-esteem. Just overall friendships. His overall friendships force him to eat too much because he gets upset

with them. So one word answers, right? Yeah. But I was just saying his weight issues for emotional reasons. And I think that that's what we really

need to talk about right now. I don't know because ribs are delicious, nigga. Fuck. Yeah, because pigs are always smiling at him. Yeah. They are.

All right. Seeing as how there were two actual reasons given here. Ben, you get first for giving the actual reason one. Thank you.

A little poorly. Ed, you get second for the root. Yeah, because I know. Yeah. I know what happened. All right, we're going to do one more round

and then the final competition against the top placing people. Okay? Oh, yeah. All right, Kevin, we start with you. round and then the final competition against the top-placing people, okay? Oh, yeah. All right, Kevin, we start with you. Why are you better than me? Oh, man, just every reason possible. Now, is this why each of us are better than you or why Kevin's better than you?

No, no, no, why each of you are better than me. Oh, okay. Well, I'm taller. I find myself to be more personable. Irrelevant. Individuals find me charming. Hey, man, look at this bucket cap I'm wearing. I feel like that

says it all. Horse snake, I love you. Good watch, too. Jack in the knees if you please, motherfucker. Alright. Don't say it. Don't say it. I didn't say anything.

Bigger, cooler, if I hung out say anything. Oh, bigger, cooler. If I hung out with your family for a week, they'd like me more. I bet you'd be faster. Absolutely, yeah. Ed gets it. Okay, cool. So who are our top playing contestants? We'll do a final lightning round.

You're not going to believe this. I mean, one of our contenders, he's a perennial. We got Edward over here. Of course. All right, welcome to the show. You know what? The dark horse today is coming up. It's Ben Kissel.

Whoa! In fact, Ben is in the lead right now with six points. I feel scared. Yeah. All right, I'm going to give quick questions. We're not going to stop in between, okay? We're just going to go straight through. I will, yeah, one very very not one word but you know

very short i'll give you a first one i'll give you an exact thing three words to make me frown you don't work shirts don't fit but that made him laugh yeah that did make him laugh but you got the best answer, Ben. Ben, the sound of sadness. Well, I came. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I came. Ed.

The new robot movie. No, that's bad. You're not prepared at all. No, no, no. I'm making this up on the spot. It's good, though. New beer. What's it called?

Ben's favorite. Tuscalusca. Tuscalusca. Okay, great. Okay, great. You know, I can see myself going to a bar and saying like, hey, give me a Ben's favorite. That's right. You get to meet the president.

What's the first thing you say? Why'd you do it all? Not bad of a wife. She is attractive. All right, we're going to do the last one. Last one. Make a new racial slur. What is it?

Who's it for? Whites. Yeah, I'll do one for white people, too. And it's schmuck fuckers. Okay, we would have accepted flukies, but we'll go with schmuck fuckers. What are you going to do? Are we at the end? Yeah, we're at the end.

This is a first ever. What? Ben Kissel went to Lightning Man. Oh, my God. I'm impressed. Yes, very impressed. Three to two. Three to two. Well, that's been the Roundtable of, my God. I'm impressed. Yes, very impressed. Three to two. Three to two.

The round table of gentlemen. This is our final episode. Did he win? Schmuckfucker won, though, right? Yes. Schmuckfucker definitely won. He said baboon to be the boss. Baboon to be the boss.

And they gave it to white people because it sounded kind of like baboon. So he could, yeah. It could have been for any number of races. Oh, definitely. All right. That's Jackie Zabrowski. Ed Larson. Follow Jackie have been for any number of races. Oh, definitely. All right, that's Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson. Follow Jackie on Twitter

at Jack the Worm. Ed's called What's Next Dad and then Holden McNeely is not on Twitter but then follow Kevin Barnett at Fatboy Barnett

and Shakir Stanley, where are you at on Twitter? I'm at Shaq, not Shaq. That's S-H-A-K, not S-H-A-Q. And I'm at Ben Kisselman at Tim Marcus. And I'm on Twitter.

I'm at MurderfistNYC is where I'm at. At Murderfist, not NYC. It's just at Murderfist. And I'm at MurderfistNYC. At Murderfist, not NYC. There's no at MurderfistNYC. I'm not on a lot. He doesn't do it. And at RT of Gentlemen, please. There's no reason for any of us to have more fans than the actual

roundtable page. Also, I want to say real quick, thank you, Australia. You know what you did. All right, take it easy. Oh, and the Facebook page. I posted a picture of that cute little puppy there. Oh, my God, the dog's so cute. Marcus Parks Rose, June 1st. That's right.

Murderfish Show, May 11th at the Pit. And Kevin has a show on TruTV coming out. When's that come out, Kevin? I don't know, man. Everyone's excited. They're going to have a bunch of different advertisements. Kevin was trying to work during a show earlier. Nah, Kevin. Everyone's excited. There's a bunch of different advertisements. Kevin was trying to work during a show earlier. Nah, man.