The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 196: Jailbird Sex Act on Church Lawn

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a dog with huge nipples is stolen, the mystery pooper of Ypsilanti, MI is caught, and a Japanese taxi driver gets off on passengers peeing in his cab. Joining us briefly today: Pat Dixon!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, we're ready to go. Yeah, alright. Holden, your face is full of food. Start us off. Happy Mother's Day, everybody.

I want to say hi, sweet mommy. Where are you at? Last time I saw you, it was bubble bath. It was super fun. And then you said you had to go babysit some other kids. And I was like, what, are you fucking cheating on me?

And I fucking cooled out after that. I just want to say I've memorized your nipples. I want to say that I thought all clitorises were like incredibly long because of you. She's got a big one, huh? Yeah, two footer. Yeah, absolutely. You saw it, Ed? Mm-hmm.

Isn't that so? She's like, look at that, look at that, look at that, look at that. I was like, all right, all right. Yeah, you see. Just like Clotin, yeah. I had a fun little, this is whatever, but I had a fun little nickname for her. I called her the soda, you know, because if you're like, sip the straw, sip the straw. Yeah.

That's kind of fun. Your mom was the soda. Yeah. I knew a girl in high school had a really long clit, like a uvula. Yeah. Well, maybe you knew Holden's mother there. You're of some age, Pat Dixon. So I pray for you and your sex and your beauty.

And, you know, I just hope that they're all getting plugged. All the holes. Yeah. By a little, like a baby like I was, you know. I remember that was when I was most special to you.

And you're friendly and you're silly, but you're sweet, you know. Alright, just wrap it up. I can't not be hard right now i'm sorry no i know you don't want me to be hard you should have asked me to pray for mother's day the blood is gone from your brain right to your cock yeah you are you have lost it to close it out that's where the lord put that blood close down a little song um finally my friend creeps into my room at night painted toenails i'll paint the others tomorrow mom you're such a fun and when i go i go real big for you right i go real big for

you thank you mommy happy mother's day everybody all Alright welcome to the round table of gentlemen everybody Alright let's just list the names of the people around this table Because I'm traumatized I'm Jackie Zabrowski I just can't wait to have a bunch of brethren of men Just coaxing for my fucking fat wad man Jackie's been tricking me guys Yeah what are you talking about?

Guys are always pawing at you. No, I want to have children that paw at me. I want children that want me to be good. They're going to have to look and act like Holden. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I want tinier, not as wet men that really want my fucking dash. It's not really wet as much as it's greasy. Yeah, and slimy and pussy. That's the thing though. That was the thing

the doctors were surprised by. I came out dry. I came out of my mom dry as a fucking bone. No, yeah. No, after birth you were the after birth. Yeah, it was

the sandpaper. Did they throw away the wrong part? They threw away the baby but then kept the after birth and you're the after birth? Yeah. I mean, it's possiblepaper. Did they throw away the wrong part? They threw away the baby but then kept the afterbirth and you're the afterbirth? Yeah. I mean, it's possible. I feel like if you did some scientific study tests, you could fucking find something like that. Holden's like a six-foot water weenie covered in

dust. My name's Ed Larson. That would be good. Somebody vomited in elementary school. You throw the Holden McNeely on it. Soaks up all the puke. Holdenators, ho! Kiss your moms today, man. Love your moms. I love my crew of people out there. Everybody who

supports me and loves me. Thank you for not listening to this show, and thank you for supporting me. That's great. That's not dying anytime soon. Alright, and then from New York City Crime Report, you can listen to that on Cave Comedy Radio. We got Pat Dixon here. All this mother loving

brought to the mind of David Tarloff who made out with his mom so intensely in a nursing home he had to be asked to stop. Take it up a notch, Holden. You still got room to grow. Put your mom in a nursing home. That's not bad.

What was the best part about that story? You got arrested for it, huh? Yeah, well, yeah. He murdered his therapist to get $40,000 so he could live forever in Hawaii with his mom. Was this the butcher guy? He brought a chainsaw in there? It was a big butcher knife? Cleaver, man. A cleaver.

Do you remember the cleaver killer? Yeah. Very nice. Well, there you go. All right. There should be a cleaver killer in Cleveland. The cleaver killer from Cleveland? That's a great headline.

It's tough to roll off the tongue, but it might be good for all the people who have a bad lisp. The Cleaver killer from Cleveland is coming to kill me because I live in Cleveland. It's the Cleveland Cleaver is the name. The Cleveland killer is coming to kill me because I live in Cleveland. That's it. No killer. Get rid of the killer. The Cleveland Cleaver.

But then that just sounds like a product. Yeah. You need to have somebody wielding it. That's. Get rid of the killer. The Cleveland Cleaver. But then that just sounds like a product. Yeah. You need to have somebody wielding it. That's the killer. Colin is here. You would do well with a Cleaver. And I have family in Cleveland, so I think there's a nice synergy there for it. Let him out of your ass.

Let's fucking kill him. Electric as always, buddy. I think he is the Cleveland Cleaver. Yep. Killer. He's the actual Cleaver that Cleveland the Killer uses to cleave people with.

You're a Cleaver. Yeah. All right, then Todd. Now, this is a special guest, Marcus. Yes, absolutely. Marcus, why don't you introduce this guy? You've known him for years. I've known Todd just like Colin.

I've also known Todd for years and years. He's from Lubbock, Texas, where I went to college. And me and Todd used to do a radio show together with Colin way back in Lubbock, Texas. A good, I don't know, eight, nine years ago. It's amazing. Metropolis. It's bizarre to see the time when you were the cleverest. There's no doubt about it.

There was no doubt. Thanks for being here, Todd. Thank you. What's your last name, Todd? Gray. Todd Gray. I was going to's your last name Todd? Uh Gray Todd Gray You weren't going to say the last name It's Todd

Oh you're Todd Gray Oh That's fine Todd Ask him where he works Half white half black Todd Mulatto It's fine

That's offensive That's offensive Hey I'm Todd Mulatto That's fine That's his name That's fine Alright fine We'll let it go.

There's a fucking Mulatto over here. It don't sound like you could run a car dealership. I don't know. Come down to Todd Mulatto's Nissan. I'm looking for a green car. You're in the wrong spot. No Koreans allowed. Well, let's let everybody buy.

Marcus, what's the news story? Police are looking for a man who allegedly stuffed a restaurant's toilet tank into a black garbage bag and stole a portion of the toilet on Sunday night. How did he steal part of a toilet? Well, according to police, employees at a subway in Seattle called police around 7.45 p.m. Sunday to report a theft. Employees told police that a man and his family walked into a subway bathroom to order sandwiches. While employees made the sandwiches, the man went to the bathroom and was gone for, quote, quite some time, employees said. That'll take a little time.

It's nice to know. It's like Kurt Cobain from Seattle. This is sort of a lose-win. They got a subway. Nobody's happy. But they're looting the toilet. Very Cobain. Very Nirvana.

A short time later, or the man was gone for so long, police said the man's wife and children left without him. A short time later, police said the man emerged from the bathroom carrying a large black plastic garbage bag and quickly left the restaurant. An employee later walked into the bathroom

and found the toilet tank missing. The still running bathroom sink was also stuffed with paper towels, and the bathroom key was stolen. Later? The employee walked in later? I feel it. After?

This is definitely an act of revenge. They must have fucked his sandwich up, man. You think so? I get so mad when people fuck my sandwich up. I get so mad. If that happens at a Subway, that's on you, man. They're right in front of you making the damn thing. Don't go.

No, no, no. Look what you did. Seattle, they're all healthy. It's probably the front of you making the damn thing. Don't go like that. No, no, no. Look what you did. Seattle, they're all healthy. It's probably the only place you can get a sandwich. It could be. But you take a big dump in the bathroom toilet. You don't steal the whole toilet. You take a dump in the urinal.

That's what I do. You shit in the urinal. You take a dump in the toilet. You crap in the urinal. Take the toilet. What do you do with the sink? Wait, did he just stole the tank? Yeah, he just stole the tank.

Oh, he stole the back of the toilet. Yeah, yeah. He stole the toilet tank but left the rest of the toilet in the bathroom. Yeah, he just stole the tank. He stole the toilet tank but left the rest of the toilet. Yeah, but that's what gives it its lifeblood. I'll tell you what, this is like a great commercial for garbage bags. That's a fucking heavy thing to put in a garbage bag. Absolutely, that's a good point.

That's true. So Jimmy, Frank's Garbage Bags. You're real good. Fucking tough as a shitter. How do you know? My cousin's in prison proving it was tough as a shitter. How do you know? My cousin's in prison proving it was tough as a shitter. But he took it for the company, and we're trying to get all the way over to Idaho

soon. Oh, man. I wish commercials were like that. Jackie, what's your lifeblood? The tank of the toilet is the toilet's lifeblood. What about you? What are you going to rip out of you? Uterus, man. You want to fucking come get me? You fucking take my uterus. You're going to fucking get me down.. You want to fucking come get me? Fucking take my uterus. You're the only way you're going to fucking get me down.

You're going to get in there, though. Take my uterus, please. Take my uterus everywhere. Please get it out of me. For Christ's sake. You want that out immediately? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it out, man.

Just scoop me out. Fucking anything you can scoop out of my vagina, you can have. And that is a big part of my vagina. That's why we used to call Jackie Big Ice Cream. Man, if I could make ice cream out of my fucking idiot vagina

it would be the only good use for it. Oh, I would love it. Yeah. Scoop City. Too late to edit my name out of this. For a soft serve

and hard serve. Never a wet serve. Only hard serve. Only serve only hard serve only hard serve okay yeah man just shove a bunch of heath bars up in there i'll just churn it churn it until i make a fucking cold butter baby i need a bigger boat cold butter coming out of your pussy there todd gray from it's so nice to have you with us, Todd Gray. And of course, you have a family there in Texas. And a lot of people know where you work. I feel like I've won the shittiest date with that animal.

Of all time. So what's going to happen to this poor guy, Marcus? Well, officers spoke to several witnesses about the man and encouraged anyone with information about the crime to call 911. They didn't catch him? No description of the suspect was immediately available. He took the key.

He's planning on coming back. He'll return it. Police estimate the tank to be worth more than $550. What? This guy's looking at a felony here. Oh, come on. Yeah, you can't go to prison on that. They're trying to prosecute him for the entire toilet.

Yeah, well, of course. The toilet is useless without the tank. Well, it's useless without a handle. You tell me you're going to steal a toilet handle? You got a felony on your hands? You got a toilet on your hands? A fucking little toilet knobber. Come on.

Leave the guy alone. It's the equivalent of stealing a plunger. What if he gives it back? Well, I don't know if they want it back. I feel like it's the same rule as a sandwich. You can't resell it after someone else has been manhandling all over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's amazing that his wife and children left him there.

Well, they knew what he was doing. You know, daddy was going shopping again. We used to steal toilet paper from the Waffle House when we were too poor to buy our own. Yeah. Would you steal it by the roll or would you just take it off the roll? You put it in your pant leg. That's pretty dangerous. Why the pant leg?

What was that used toilet paper? In your pant leg, though, I just feel like, how do you feel about having a whole fucking roll of toilet paper shoved up your pants? How do you feel like having your uterus scraped out? I love it. And where were you? Fucking sucking vac it out. Where were you stealing the toilet paper from?

Waffle House, Tallahassee, Tennessee Street, Nocala. Oh, okay, this is when you were in college, not when you were growing up. Did you ever think about not going to the Waffle House? That's a sad family story. Not eating at the Waffle House and then just buying toilet paper? Yeah, we'd just show up and we'd go in the bathroom. But you would eat at the Waffle House? Occasionally.

Hey, you're hungry. They didn't know it was me. Well, I'm just saying, don't eat at the Waffle House. Just go buy toilet paper. I've never been in a Waffle House that actually had toilet paper. You gotta go to Tallahassee. It's a beautiful town. Cracker Capital. That is on the billboard for Tallahassee

when you're in trees. We got toilet paper at the Waffle House. Welcome to Tallahassee. And then Eddie came through and said, we had toilet paper. Their name is Ed Larson. Don't come back. Fucking dinosaur with Ed's head on it. Ever got caught? No shit, you were stealing toilet paper.

I mean, if you did, you would be on the show. It was a news story. Dumb shit steals toilet paper. Another dumb shit after eating a bunch of waffles. Get shot six times. That would be great. You don't ever take me alive. How many bullets do you think

you've got to put into Ed before he goes down? Oh, my goodness. Three? Three. I'm out of shape. That's true. I'll give you seven, man.

Seven, yeah. Yeah, I'll give you a solid seven. Depends on why you're shooting me. Well, what's a 50 cent took? How many did you take? Six. If, yeah. Yeah, I'll give you a solid seven. Depends on why you're shooting me. Well, what's a 50 cent took? How many did you take? Six. If it's a 22,

you could empty the gun on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Ed could take a full clip of a 22. Yeah, those are small guns.

Your fucking tit will fly off. You'll be thankful for it. You'd be bad, though. We'll go with three shots of a 38. That's so nice of you. I love a good snub nose. It'd be bad, though. We'll go with three shots of a.38. That's so nice of you.

I love a good snub nose. I always said that would be my gun, if I could get a handgun. .38 special. The snub nose? Yeah, snub nose. A little short gun, shoot for the hip. Pop, pop, pop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, Marcus. Well, we've got an update to an older story. Thank God. Yeah. Ypsilanti's children's slides are free and clear of feces after the Ypsilanti police recently identified a suspect in their hunt for the notorious mystery pooper. Oh, yeah, who was it? It was a slide shitter.

Yeah. Ypsilanti. Was it a dog? We thought it was a dog. It was not a dog. It was an actual man. It was an actual man. Full grown or young?

Full grown man. How old? 38. As far as I know, we don't really have much information on the suspect. All we know is that he will not be charged. Because they fucking beat the crap out of him. Literally, yeah. Maybe.

Ypsilanti Police Chief Tony Deguisti confirmed the department... Oh, man, that name again, huh? Yeah. Deguisti. Deguisti. Oh, man, that name again, huh? Yeah. Big waste. Big waste. They confirmed the department made contact with an individual believed to be the mystery pooper who regularly defecated on the same slide in Prospect Park between November and April. Yeah, it was me.

I did it. I shit on the kiddie slides. Go ahead. What are you going to do about it? Disgusting. Sounds like Holden. Nah, man. I gave up that racket years ago.

It turns out there's no money in it. No money at all. Deguisti said there have been no further incidents since contact was made with the individual, and he declined to provide any further details on the case. No charges were brought against the individual. You know what I'm thinking? I don't think they beat the shit out of him. I'm thinking mayor's son.

Mayor's son. You think it was the mayor's kid? It has to be somebody connected. You think it's Dante? You think Dante shit on his leg? Dante de Blasio. Dante de Blasio. I'm talking about the New York mayor, of course.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, you always figure it's just the retarded mayor's son. It's always like my favorite character. The untouchable retard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, you always figure, like, it's just the retarded mayor's son. It's always, like, my favorite character. The untouchable retard. They're always there. Chris Marley played him when Giuliani got elected.

Yeah, it's like the court jester, but he lives like a king, you know? Yeah, definitely. I will be a jester, daddy. I will be a jester. You could do, you know, You could work at the supermarket. Well, he just wants his father's affection. When your father is the king, you're the fucking jester. If you're the goddamn thing's son.

He's a total diplomat's son. It's just like, well, we'd like to prosecute, but it would be an international incident. In Ypsilanti, Michigan? I just feel like it made national news. They're letting crime go. There's going to be a bunch of dookie everywhere around here. Parking benches, any car. Oh, man, if I was the mayor, yeah, that would be my platform. Dookie out everything.

Dookie everywhere. Get dookie. You want dookie everywhere? I want dookie on the streets. I'm going to dookie out of there. Oh, you're sick of dookie? Well, you won't be sick anymore if it's on everything. You'll be used to it.

And then when somebody blows up a bathroom, it won't affect you anymore. It'll be good for the people. Yeah, there's no disease in India. Not at all. Everyone's treated fairly. You know, India recently just started a huge campaign to tell people to shit in toilets. Yeah, they did a full video. They did a website.

Everything. There's something ridiculous like 20% of human shit outside. No, it's more like 40. Really? A lot of dookie in the outdoors, but you know, it brings it back where it belongs. I've done it for fun. It's a good time. Shout out to a bunch of things that weren't in the toilet.

One time I walked out of the house, had to poo-poo. Fucking dug a hole, man. You dug the hole? Do you sit in the hole? You kind of just kick dirt on top of it. Yeah, right? I just don't want to deal with that crouch. You know, I have to say, I have to make a confession.

I've never shit outside. Really? I don't think I've ever shit outside. My ass closes up. If I'm on a camping trip, it just closes up. He's also never shat in the toilet. That's true. So whatever you want to take from that.

That's why they used to call me Mr. Hands. I remember those days. Love Mr. Hands days. never shook them though oh yeah you shake mr hands and you're fucking fucked for the year yikes okay get that out i honestly don't know if we've ever shaken hands that's an honest thought i don't think we've ever been like hey how you doing yeah yeah but we went straight to kissing on the lips first time i saw each other, it was just like, your fucking beard, I want it on my chin. I want it to get your beard.

It's good advice. If you want to kiss a chick on a first date, just shit on your hands. There's only one other option for you, and like, hello. That would be a little kiss there. Back to Ypsilanti, Michigan. Feces were found on the slide so frequently that police set up a camera in a nearby tree

to help catch what some city council members referred to during the investigation, dubbed the mystery pooper. Council member Brian Robb said he hopes, quote, we can just put this behind us. Behind us. This guy with his puns. He had a pun last time, too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't remember what it was, but yeah This guy with his puns. He had a pun last time too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't remember what it was, but yeah, he loves his puns. Are you sure that was intended to be a pun? Yeah, maybe not. Maybe he just really wants to put it behind him. I can't believe this guy wanted to get caught because they put on a thing that said, we're going to put cameras in the trees.

We're going to do stakeouts. You know, and he kept doing it and then he got caught. They did. They put up billboards all around Ypsilanti saying catch... He just had a big ass on it with just shit coming out of it. It's like, look for this.

It sounds like Deguise was too lazy to catch this guy months ago when he should have. Maybe it was Deguise himself. We don't know the name of the pooper. Perhaps it was. Deguise caught himself doing the thing he was doing this whole time. I mean, I can show you a picture of one of the billboards right now. It says, help us flush the pooper.

Hashtag YPSI pooper. This guy was fucking success. This guy, his stardom must have went to his head. This is a whole marketing campaign for a new Kid Rock album. That's the best thing you can hope for right there. You know what I mean? If you're shitting on the water side, billboard cover. No one ever got a billboard. No one gets a billboard.

The pooper gets a billboard. That's insane. This is going to inspire a lot of copycats. Oh my goodness. There were three different... There was Do Your Civic Duty, Help Us Catch the Poopa Traders. Oh my god.

This town is all about puns! That's all they do! This is insane! Now, Pat, do you understand why I thought that this guy was making a pun? Yes, yes, now I do. I'm trying to think of more poop puns. Like, the poop man always rings twice or some shit like that.

Well, before this show gets too intellectual, I gotta get out of here. Oh, Pat Dixon! Pat Dixon's gotta go. Thanks for having me on your show, Ben. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. New York City Crime Report. Listen to it.

You already do. Oh, everyone does. Go do your gig, Pat. Good seeing you, buddy. Miss you as always. It's the only show worth listening to on Cave Comedy Radio. Yeah. Fuck off, Todd.

I'm here. I'm here. All right. Long, Todd. I'm here. I'm standing. All right. Long time listener. First time guest. Oh, I forgot. There's a fellow who wanted to say hi.

His name is Matthew, William Matthew Jones. He made a nice comment to me. He donates at Murphys Kickstarter. I appreciate it, buddy. And he said, I reluctantly say his message. He says, Holdenators home.

Holdenators home! I promised him I'd relay a message. Why would you promise a fucker like that? I don't know! I didn't know he was a fucker when I made the promise! Give me that money, give me that money. Give me that money, give me that money. We're not using it for

a fucking TV show pilot, dude. we're fucking spinning on nugs nothing but slides and tacos we're shitting all over this fucking country you can keep that between you listeners and us yeah yeah dirty little murder for the secret right there all right what's another news story another news news story. Attendees at a marriage in the Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Salt Lake City were horrified to stumble upon a 60-year-old woman and a 56-year-old man engaging in sex acts on the lawn during a wedding. I read this headline and it actually made me gag after I looked at their faces. The headline is, Wedding Party Stumbles Upon Jailbird Sex Act on Church Lawn. Oh, come on. Love is in the air.

He was fucking nose deep in her fucking wide gash. And her gash is filled with bugs. Oh, I see. His nose is filled with bugs. She's toothless there. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, they were getting it on.

They looked so related. Oh, they looked getting it on. They looked so related. Yeah, they... Oh, they looked very much related. Wilson Benally was spotted by police officer Rich Stone with, quote,

his tongue and finger inside of Sandra Crewson's vagina. Oh, I like that move. He's trying real fucking hard. Yeah, yeah. That's when I really love a girl when I do both of them.

Oh, of course. Of course. You gotta do both. She always pushes my hand out, though. I don't think I'm doing the hand right when I'm doing the tongue at the same time. I don't think you gotta Of course. She's got to do both. She always pushes my hand out though. I don't think I'm doing the hand right when I'm doing the tongue at the same time. I don't think you've got to do both. I can't concentrate on both. You should not do it to a dog.

Oh, dogs will let you do it. I forgot about that. Sorry, snoopers. Didn't mean to do it, snoopers. I can't believe his paws can work the computer to listen to this it, Snoopers. I can't believe his paws could work the computer to listen to this podcast, by the way. Good boy. Good boy we ain't able to work your paws

to work the podcast. Your boy has a pussy in a dog suit. I don't know if you noticed that. Oh my God, I fucked a male dog. I thought it was a lady girl. Yeah, you thought it was a girl dog. You fucked a boy dog. I'm ashamed.

That's why I didn't like the finger. I didn't like the finger. I'm just poking up his taint and balls. Yeah, yeah thought it was a girl dog. You fucked with boy dog. I'm ashamed. That's why you didn't like the finger. I didn't like the finger. I'm just poking up his tainting balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I fucked up. Stop by holding a girl dog. I'm not going to try this. We'll adopt one from the pound.

All right, cool. I'll call her Eddie Bear, by the way. I'll call her Eddie Bear. Eddie Bear. Edwina. Ew, Edwina. Edwina. Edwina. Edwina's a real name. Don't be grossed out by it.

Some people might get offended. Edwina's not a real name. Edwina's totally a real name. If we have an Edwina, please write in. It's a Latin name. I hate to just so crassly say it. Well, it's fine. No, I'm going to disagree on that.

The name Edwina is the female version of the male name Edwin, which derives from Old English and means rich friend. Ew. Edwina sounds like a piece of shit. Oh, come on. Yeah, she does. She's got a great name. No, man.

She needs to get a puppy. But a shitty attitude. I could be an Edwina. Yeah, there's no way Edwina's good. I could be an Edwina. No. Yes. No. Fucking turn my dick inside out an Edwina. No. Yes. No.

Fucking turn my dick inside out being Edwina. Well, yeah. I would watch that happen. Would you? Yeah. Got it like a sauce. Yeah, fold it on the inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not a bad idea. Man, wet. It's like sucking on too much spaghetti. Oh, yeah. You can't suck on too much spaghetti. That's right, Jackie. Good point, Jackie. I agree't suck on too much spaghetti. That's right, Jackie. Good point, Jackie. I agree with you.

Thank you. Well, Benally, back to the story. Benally, who had been previously arrested 102 times. That's a good number. It's a good number. Benally and Crewson, who had been held in the Salt Lake lockup 15 times, were engaging in a torrid physical act outside in broad daylight during a wedding. Officer Stone approached the couple in coitus on the church grass. He said, I walked over to the couple and I physically saw the sex act.

It's like this guy doesn't respect the law. He doesn't respect it at all. I mean, that's true, banging on the lawn there of the church. He was going for 101 because he loved Dalmatians and then it just happened again. Yeah, 102. Why not? The act was witnessed by, among others, four children in the wedding party. Ugh, I just...

Never bring kids to a wedding. You gotta bring kids to a wedding. Always there are kids at a wedding. There's usually not people having sex on the lawn. That's why you bring kids to a wedding. We got in trouble. Last wedding I was at, we got in trouble for smoking a joint out back. Yeah. So, yeah, I can see that.

I can see the frustrations. I mean, I just feel like overall this couple wasn't doing anything that horrifically bad. They didn't want the kids to look at them. They were just doing their thing and folks happened to see. No, they were too ugly. The problem is that think of any time you've ever sat outdoors at a wedding. Chairs are uncomfortable. You imagine trying to like

prop yourself back for a man to fucking eject his dirty fucking disgusting tongue up inside your gash. She's laying on her back. He's the romantic. You're not laying on her fucking back. You're sitting on a fucking

uncomfortable outdoor wedding chair. Were they on a wedding chair? Down between your fucking legs. I would just fucking slap the bitch until it got away from me. Some women have a fucking pelvis that you can get to when they sit down. Not that bitch. She might. I don't know about that.

I'll tell you what. I kind of agree with your earlier statement. If they're hot, do they get caught if they're hot? Do they get in trouble if they're hot? No, people thought if they're hot? Do they get in trouble if they're hot? People thought they were hired. They thought they were hired to act for the wedding. A couple of folks making love on the lawn.

Love is in the air, they say. That is not making love. That is making tongue on a fucking wet piece of wood. You're telling me that a dude who hates a woman is going to eat her pussy? That is love. Are you kidding me? Not outdoors. What do you mean?

At a wedding. Yeah. That is like your dream come true, getting your pussy eaten at a wedding. I would rather have my pussy eaten when I was at the altar getting married. That's the way I'm going to have my pussy eaten. Do you want it eaten by your fucking groom or do you want it eaten by somebody else? Whoever will do it. I don't fucking care.

I would love to get my cock sucked at a moon bounce. That's a great... Like in those little bouncy rooms? So I could just be bouncing. She didn't even have to do anything. It'd be fun. She's going to bite your dick off. Definitely.

Yeah, maybe. That's when you rip the fucking teeth out of her. Yeah, punch her until her teeth are gone. I was thinking pliers. No, no, no. Just punch her until the teeth are gone, and then she'll just shove your dick in her mouth. I read a recent story...

Todd Gray! Hey! Happy to be here! punch her till she's either gone and then she'll just shove your dick in her mouth. I read a recent story Todd Gray! Happy to be here! I read a recent story that those moon bounces will fly up and one recently flew up with like five kids in it. Yeah, I saw that one. It actually, the bounce house had two children inside and it flew 50 feet into the air

with two children inside. Is that magical? How did that happen? Actually, it's not magical. They both fell out about 20 feet up and they're both in serious condition. That's because there's zippers on those bounce houses. You can close the doors and then they could

just, you know, that seems like an added feature more than anything else. A cloud prison. Speaking of children. I got the hell beat out of me by a little seven-year-old girl in Bouncy House once. When was this? A week and a half ago?

Yeah. When was that? Were you working at the fucking carnival? It was at my son's birthday party. Yeah, speaking of your son and Bouncy House

and bizarre sexual activity, your kid's named Holden. Yes. You named your son Holden. Yes. Oh, no. Why would you do that, Todd? I named him Holden a long time ago.

Yeah, yeah. Long before I met this Holden. Holden made his for life. This Holden. The old Holden is going to monopoly on the name Holden. Now that you know this Holden, do you regret your decision? If I had met Holden before I named my son Holden, my son's name would be Eddie. Your child.

Have you met Eddie Your child Hear hear Hear hear to that Your child will drink the blood He will give the penitence I actually I actually wanted to name him Two names Picked out

Shotgun Von Megadeth Ray Cause nobody's gonna mess with that kid I'm telling you Absolutely not Nobody And then Dynamo Cracker Jack I always love Dynamo Cracker Jack

life of adventure guaranteed Dynamo's a great name for a kid isn't it that's what I say I don't know if Dynamo's a good name and there's any fucking pregnant idiots listening to this right now

they can't steal my name I still got those two But Dynamo's a good name. And does any fucking pregnant idiots listen to this right now? No, no. They can't steal my name. I still got those two. I call dibs. Yes, Holden's mother is also in the room right now. Not our Holden's mother. Yeah. Aw.

Not your mother. No, Todd's wife is in the room at the moment. And I appreciate the fact that you did not name your child Dynamo Cracker Jack. I mean, Holden is technically a worse name. Oh, no. It's full of fun. You'll get lots of riddles and mysteries out of this name. God damn it, man.

Your kid's going to love theater and prancing. I'm so sorry. Oh, damn it. You don't know how right you probably are. That'd be great, though. I love him anyway. I'm just happy to be with you, Todd. Holden used to dress like a vampire

and hide in a chest at the foot of his bed. Yes, absolutely. Right now he's into My bed is everything. Right now he's into My Little Pony, so I don't know. Is your little boy a brony? Yeah.

Yeah, he is. That's not bad. Bit of a brony. That's cool. That's not bad. I like the brony documentary. I thought you said brownie as in like a young girl scout.

I liked My Little Pony when I was a kid. I was into it. Sure. Care Bears too. Really? It's weird. Yeah, Care Bears.

I'm a positive person, man. Positivity. It's about positivity. It's about positivity, man. It's about positivity. I played Stab the Sticks. I don't know what you're talking about. That's a more dangerous game. See what you can get the stick in. There's lots of things you can put it in. Worse than My Little Pony, I'll tell you that. This is nice. It's nice to be with you, Todd.

The last night on Earth you had balls. You were just about to fucking cut those things off. Holy Lord, she's mad you have balls. Thanks. You're just about to fucking cut those things off. Yeah. Holy Lord, she's mad at you now. Wow. I already had the vasectomy, so here. Oh, you had it. She had it cut?

All right. Yeah, so why are you holding on to the names then? What? If you already had the vasectomy, why are you holding on to the names? I can adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt.

You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt.

You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt.

You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt.

You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt.

You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt. You can't adopt Send me back to India. Send me back to India. Shut up, Dynamo. Are you kidding me?

You want to call me Dynamo? I used to work in the fucking shitters in India. Please get me back there. You could probably get a Korean named Dynamo already. Well, that's possible. Everyone's got different names depending on their culture and where they're born. Dynamo is a great fucking name. It is an Indian name.

God damn it. Pro professional wrestler. What's Holden's middle name? Levi. Okay. Hold on. Now we're getting good. Levi.

That's much better. Yeah. That's a much better name. Hold on. Levi. Yeah. My middle name is James. H.K. McNeely.

Handjob McNeely, everybody. Handjob McNeely. And James means prettiest prince. Oh, shut the fuck up. And Lurgistinson. And Lurgistinson. It means prettiest prince. We got some animal news now.

Thank you. Not that animal though. Guess what animal it is. Fround. I guess it rhymes with that kind of. Narwhal. Narwhal? No. Sloth? No Not a frown I guess it rhymes It rhymes with that kind of Okay Narwhal Narwhal

No That doesn't rhyme with frown Sloth No A ghost No What does that rhyme with? It's a fucking dog

Alright let's move on It's a dog It's a dog Alright I would have continued to guess For a few minutes I like that Yeah

Who knows A pair of dog Chupacabra No we're not It's a dog Colin Yeah A pair of dog owners Fear their precious pooch May have been stolen Who knows? Chupacabra. No, we're not. It's dog, Colin. A pair of dog owners fear their precious pooch may have been stolen because of its big nipples. That'll happen.

To me, that's a reason not to steal it. Yeah, that's disgusting. No, man. That's called real estate. No, I hate seeing nipples on a dog. They're all wet and sore. Yeah, but what if you love seeing nipples on a dog. They fucking, they're all wet and like sore. Yeah, but what if you love seeing nipples on a dog and you saw the dog with the biggest nipples? You want

that dog? You're a freak. I was in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. Saw a whole bunch of dogs with nipples. One male dog. What happened? I was in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. In Playa del? Playa del Carmen. It's a city in Mexico. Okay. And I saw a bunch of dogs with nipples.

Let's continue with the story. No, what? That's the story. You're derailing us. What were you doing? I was hanging out on vacation, fucking enjoying the beach. Looking at dogs with nipples. Well, you couldn't ignore them.

They were fucking everywhere. The place was littered with them. Were there women there? I mean, I don't know. I feel like you spent a lot of time looking at the nipple dogs. I mean, you couldn't. They were everywhere. Oh, swollen pieces of flesh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Steve Laws was out walking Ruby. Yeah, Eddie likes them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Steve Laws was out walking Ruby, the Doge de Bordeaux he owns with partner Heather Hall, in Rose Hill at 8 p.m. on Sunday when something spooked her and she ran into the road. Ruby was clipped by two cars but appeared to be unhurt as she ran away. Mr. Laws could not keep up and the three-year-old dog got away.

Ruby was spotted later that evening near Middleton Road but has not been seen since. The couple have been out searching for their pet to no avail in fear she may have been stolen due to her big nipples. for their pet to no avail in fear she may have been stolen due to her big nipples. Ms. Hall said, it sounds weird, but she has very big nipples. So what we've learned here tonight is, Jackie, don't go out alone after 9 p.m. Oh, my God.

That's why I keep my fucking shirt on, man, because any man could take these fucking nipples home. Oh, my God. She said, I'm concerned that someone might have taken her because they thought she was pregnant and the puppies are worth quite a lot of money. She isn't pregnant though.

She's just got really big nipples. She's just dead in a ditch and you're describing her nipples for hours, lady. Fucking get over it and buy a new dog. The Westminster Dog Show, they're always looking

at these dogs' nipples and things. I feel like that's a very important thing. Can they feed their young big old pepperonis? All nipples are disgusting. That's not true at all. Can you imagine how disgusting your breasts would look if they didn't have a nipple on them? I'm fine with how they would look without nipples.

If someone was to cut my nipples off and pay me a million dollars for it, that's fine. You would sell your nipples? Yeah, I'll sell cut my nipples off and pay me a million dollars for it, that's fine. You would sell your nipples? I don't think that's... Like fucking powder? Yeah, I'll sell my fucking nipples. I'll fucking drill a hole inside of my breasts and squeeze the milk out from my young if I have to.

I don't think that's how it works. Yeah, I don't think that's how it works. No, no, I'll drill until I hit all of them. Todd was breastfeeding the whole day for a couple of years. He knows exactly how that works. White gold. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I tell you what, I'd do the opposite. If I could get a nipple on the tip of my penis, I'd pay for that. exactly how that works. White gold.

I'd tell you what, I'd do the opposite. If I could get a nipple on the tip of my penis, I'd pay for that. Would you? Absolutely. Freshen things up. Can you imagine getting your dick sucked like it had a nipple on it? That's kind of like a nipple. Just have your dick sucked. Yeah, I get that, but I want the nipple experience. Jesus wants the top squeeze.

We don't get our nipples sucked on. I don't want my nipple to be sucked on. I love a good nipple sucking. Oh, no. I don't enjoy it. I love that. That's great. That is a disagreement between men, though. Yeah.

I've met many a man that loves it and many a man that hates it. I disagree. Oh, it's the eat ass of our time. I agree. What are you talking about? I'd much rather have my nipples sucked on than my ass eaten out. No, I'm serious. Marcus, don't go to the far, far away place.

Marcus, if a stinky, skanky girl is just like, what do you want, bitch? You want your fucking nipples sucked on? Or do you want that stinky, sweaty ass licked out? I'd probably tell her to go home if she said that sentence. I mean,

if you want to send your mom home, man? Just lick my fucking ass, Zitz. There it is. Yeah. He wants the ass. You need hygiene. You should talk. I don't have my asshole to eat.

What? Now. He likes to eat it. He doesn't like to get it eaten. Oh, you just eat the butt. You have no butt. Um, all right, Marlins. So this dog, what's happening with him?

It's dead in a ditch. No, it's not. Of course it is. It's got to get by a car. They're trying to milk a non-pregnant dog with huge tits, which is so sad. But the dog has to sort of like it, right? It's a cute dog. What kind of dog is it?

It's a dog de bordeaux. I never heard of it. A what? A dog de bordeaux. Can we see? Hashtag brings back our big nipple dog. Oh, it's just a dog. Oh, it's so fucking cute.

Where are the nipples at? Yeah, couldn't they have shown us any fucking tit pics? Yeah, that dog's dead in a ditch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That dog's definitely dead in a ditch. You know, it's funny. I feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That dog's definitely dead in a ditch. You know, it's funny. I feel like it's the droopy. That dog's like a droopy dog.

Like, the droopier dogs have the bigger nips. You know, they're drooping off of it. Yeah. I agree. I mean, I don't even get it. First nipple I ever saw, my friend Nick M, we'll call him. His mother was wearing a robe.

She used to drive us to school. Meritato? No, no, no, no. Growing up. Mineski. Michael's. I think he said M without saying the last name. I mean, technically, you could get in trouble for it.

I remember one time, the first nipple I ever saw, seven, eight years old. She used to drive me to school in the morning. I was there. They were taking a long time getting ready. She had a robe on, leaned over to pour me some orange juice. Fucking tick pops out. I swear to God, I thought all nipples were fucking eight inches long. Oh my God.

It frightened me. I didn't know what to do. That nipple still burned in my brain. It was seriously like two and a half, three inches long. I know what you're saying. Like the penguin when he was smoking cigarettes back in the 60s show. Big old ash. I have never seen a nipple half as long as that nipple since. Well, that's the thing.

Well, I know. Like, sometimes you go back to your middle school and the walls are fucking taller than you remember them. Or shorter than you remember them. All right. I can see by the look on Jackie's face and what Marcus is looking at. There are long nipples on that computer screen right now. I don't like it.

I am very happy to be on the other side. I don't like jealousy. You just got gotta hack that. You can fuck a girl with that thing. It just has to be so sensitive when it goes down your wrist. It looks like a hot dog. Yeah, it's a dog.

I feel like if your nipple's that long, I know it's gonna hurt, but just trim it. Just take a little bit of it. No, you can't trim that. It's just trim it. Just take a little bit of it. No, you can't trim that. It's a skin tag. Just get some Novocaine, and you fucking trim that. Can you get it?

I mean, I'm sure you can. Marcus, can you get a nipple reduction? I'm sure. Of course you can. Look at this girl. She has no nipples, right? Yeah, you can get a... This is what Jackie wants. You can absolutely get your nipples removed. Nippleectomy? I make a million dollars off of it. Oh, it's like a prize. Why does that woman have your nipples removed. I make a million dollars off of it. Oh, it's like a prize.

Why does that woman have no nipples? I hate these pictures. Why are you covering it with that? You just said you wanted no nipples. Because my nipples hurt now. Stop from looking at it. No one can see you do it. It's a podcast.

Because I'm actually in weird pseudo pain by looking at how big their nipples are. Oh, that was a fine-looking nipple. It was extended. It looked like, hello, how you doing? On the other hand, this woman has removed her nipples completely.

You know what? It's not even that bad, to be honest with you. It's really not that bad. Well, people do that when they get, a lot of people, when they get full-body tattoos,

they'll remove their nipples in order to tattoo over them. Oh, really? I say incorporate the nipple. Sell the nipple. Make it a little part of the tattoo. Oh, really? I say incorporate the nipple. Sell the nipple. Make it a little part of the tattoo. Yeah, something fun. You have very limited things to do with the nipple.

That's a good time for that nipple. Yeah. You do like a sun. Shine it. You get your nipple there in the sun, I guess. I don't like tit tattoos. I'm going to go ahead and throw that out there. Well, no one likes tit tattoos.

I'm already looking at your tits. You don't need to tattoo them. No, God. You don't need to draw a tattoo to them. If you got them, I tit tattoos. I'm already looking at your tits. You don't need to tattoo them. No, God. You don't need to draw a tattoo to them. If you got them, I'm looking. I agree. Don't throw your fucking weird-ass tattoo on your titty. It depends, though.

If it's a real bad tattoo, if it's real saggy and things, then you have a message you've got to unroll or something. If you get knocked up, your tit's going to get all big and it's going to get all small, so your tattoo's going to look really bad. Yeah. Yeah, maybe when your tits are swollen get a small one. Yeah and then it's going to get all engorged

and then it's going to deflate like a fucking test. You're just touching your body. Because my nipples hurt from the fucking pictures. Marcus did you find a nipple tumbler? Yeah it's called the myhugenipples.tumblr.com.

Oh, what is he doing with that nipple? Oh, that's disgusting. Marcus, what's this site all about? All right, this site, it's just a tumbler dedicated to huge nipples. Oh, he's being sucked. This is a gift right now. These are nipples being suctioned through some sort of... I mean, that's normal.

See, yeah, they get milked. He's milking. No, I never want to be milked. Well, that's just the logic. Now it's just a bunch of tests. Oh, there's a great time. We just got you. Oh, yeah, they get milked. She's milking. No, I never want to be milked. Well, that's just a bunch of shit. No, it's just a bunch of tests. Oh, there was a great time. We just got here. Oh, yeah, now you pulled away.

As soon as great stuff's happening out there, it's like, oh, no. Yeah, he's not interested anymore when it starts getting hot. I'm listening to this show enough that I know as soon as he starts looking at something, the next thing is going to be all of you disgusted. I've been fucking sitting next to him for three years. My life is fucking horrible now. Four years. I can't even dream anymore.

Four years? It'll be four years here next month. Oh, wow. We've been doing this show for four years. Please get rid of that picture. We've got to do something.

We should do a party or something. I don't know. Four years of trying to get career jobs. Hell, we've got our 200th episode here in four episodes. No way, really? Let's have like a sleepover. We'll have like a pajama party.

Like a pajama jam. No one wants to be near you when you sleep. Yeah, we'll have a sleepover. We'll sit around. We'll play games. We don't have to record or anything. We'll just play games.

Oh, I like games. Well, this show's been terrible for the past 10 minutes. What's going on, Marcus? Give another news story. This poor dog's kidnapped and having a good life. It's dead. It's not dead, Eddie. It another news story. This poor dog's kidnapped and having a good life. It's dead.

It's not dead, Eddie. It's fucking dead. Dogs don't die. I just don't want you to be milked, Kissel. Oh, I'll fucking get milked. He gives a shit. Oh, man. All right, well.

I think I know a guy who might pay for Kissel milk. Yeah, do you know somebody? Yeah, his name's Corey Griffin. All right. Thank you, Corey Griffin, top donator at the Murphys Kickstarter. Oh, did he donate to you guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. He's coming on the show.

He donated so much. Oh, is he? Oh, I can't wait to talk to him. It's going to be thrilling. If he's half as good as Todd, he'll be phenomenal. So our next story comes from Roundtable listener Nick DiMaria. He posted this on the Roundtable page. So thank you, Nick, for posting this story.

A Japanese taxi driver allegedly drugged female passengers so they'd fight the desire to urinate and then relieve themselves in the backseat for his sexual gratification. Toshiko Nishi. I don't understand that sentence. I don't understand that.. I don't understand that. I'll explain. Can you read that again so I can comprehend it? A Japanese taxi driver...

What do you mean you don't understand it? I don't get it. I don't get it. I want to hear it again. A Japanese taxi driver allegedly drugged female passengers so they'd fight the desire to urinate and then relieve themselves in the back seat of his taxi

for his sexual gratification. So he drugged them so they wouldn't piss but then made them piss. Well, let's get into it. I'm confused by the concept. How are you confused by this? I'm just like, why would someone, I don't get it. Go ahead, go further.

Toshihiko Nishi, 41, from Osaka, allegedly laced crackers with diuretics and offered them to women whom he then denied access to a toilet and invited them to pee on the spot in his taxi. He said, I got excited by watching women trying to withstand the urge to urinate. That is hot stuff, though. I don't know. It's not urinate. That is hot stuff, though. I don't know. It's not hot stuff. It is hot stuff.

Well, watching a woman who needs to pee just kind of squirming around? Well, it's okay. Japanese woman, yeah. No, it's like watching the fucking, it's like watching game seven of the NBA finals when a team is down by one and there's four seconds left. I mean, it's tense. It's not like that.

It is. No. What's going to happen? Who's going to win? Who's going to lose? Who's going to piss? I get nothing out of looking at a woman piss. Well, you're weird. I'm not weird. I'm normal.

That is a normal thing to not watch women piss is a very normal thing. A lot of musicians disagree with you. I've been doing that all my life. Not watching women piss. I think it's funny That it falls out You know

We squirt it It falls out of them Yeah Isn't it weird If you're taking a cracker From a taxi driver There's already something wrong You should never take a cracker

From a taxi driver That is for sure Unless it's already Seen from a taxi driver You should just take the cracker No I would never take anything From a fucking taxi driver Except a ride home

Well yeah I mean They're not gonna give you The cracker Cause you get I would never take anything from a fucking taxi driver except a ride home. Well, yeah, I mean, they're not going to give you the cracker because you get into the cab and be like, Oh, I got shit. Hurry up, I got a shit. And they're like, Oh, no cracker needed. This is going to be a free tape. Yeah, and I'm going to fucking shit my hand and then just fucking wipe it all over my face. I'm like, give me a free cab ride.

It's different. And then they do. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So you should be happy about this fetish. Well, investigators recovered 50 videos of women wetting themselves in his cab. According to the

Japanese outlet Mayanichichi, police also found 100 tablets of Furesamide, also known by the brand name Lasix, a potent diuretic

that is used to eliminate water and salt from the body. The arrest stemmed from an alleged October 29th incident in which Nishi ignored a passenger's plea to stop for a bathroom and forced her to urinate in the cab. You know what?

I'll tell you what. As a cab driver from defending this guy. Yeah, sure. Someone's in the back of your cab and like, stop. I got a piss. Go fuck yourself. You got in my cab. You get in here.

You got in here. I'm going to take you home. You're going to get out. You fucking pay. Well, there's a reason they're not shag carpeting that you're fucking sitting on. It's goddamn slipper leather. Piss all over it. You know? Totally. Do people piss in cabs all the time? I think it's a regular thing.

Really? Yeah, cabs are cleaning out cabs constantly. I think there's more vomit flowing around than piss. Vomit I can get. Vomit I get. Vomit I can deal with. People pissing? Fuck you. Hold it. I don't have it all the time. with. People pissing? Fuck you. Hold it. I mean, he wanted it to happen. I know.

I know. That's the thing. So, yeah. It's kind of a guy there who wanted people to piss in the back of his car. It's kind of weird. I never heard of pills that make you piss either. This is the first time I've ever heard of that. Yeah. They're called diuretics.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, but one that... I mean, we've heard of that. Coke is a diuretic. He used to give me suppositories. He was like on shit. Or like, you know, whatever the, you know.

Yeah, you have to run around with a trash bag on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone knows that story. When you got the suppositories, did you put them in yourself or have someone else do it? I did it myself. I know what I'm doing. Wow. Put something in the old bundle.

You put something up in your ass. I've never, that's another thing I've never done. My old has never done it. Todd, you ever do that? Do what? Put something in your bundle. I've never... That's another thing I've never done. Holden's never done it. Todd, you ever do that? Do what? Put something in your butthole. Suppository. Suppository?

Sure. It works, man. You've done it before. Who hasn't? You gotta push it. I haven't. I have. I mean, multiple times, but I always fish it out.

Man, you should try them. You ever constipated? Suppository. I've never constipated, man. My shit flows like wine. I always pretend it was like that movie Inner Space and Martin Short stuck inside the suppository and chicken've never constipated, man. My shit flows like wine. I always pretended it was like that movie Inner Space and Marty Short stuck inside the suppository checking on my body.

How about you, Colin? You ever suppository up? You ever done one? You ever stuck one in? Jackie, how many do you have in now? I'm tempted now. I mean, seven feet deep. Seven feet? It's just a big string. It's just like your colon's longer than you. I guess everybody's is deep. Seven feet? Yeah, it's just a big string of...

Oh, Lord. It's just like your colon's longer than you. I guess everybody's is, though, huh? Yeah. Is everybody's colon longer than them? Their intestines are. I've heard it can reach from here to New Mexico, your colon. Man.

Yeah, they'll kick you. Depends on where you are in the country. If you're in New Mexico, I think it's true. Right next to the border, your colon can reach. Yeah, I just got to throw it over there. I mean, that's all there is to this story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's another.

We got one more story. I don't trust the Japanese. No one is that. Well, that's for sure. That's a different, yeah. But we have to get to it. It's all slanted and they're all fucking. It's the first thing my grandfather ever taught me.

Two years old. Don't trust him. Yeah, he was racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He likes the Chinese, though, just not the Japanese. Well, because he fought in the Korean War. No, no, no, no. Well, the Korean War is against the Koreans.

That doesn't make any sense. That's Koreans. No, I know. But the Japanese supported the Koreans. Did they? The Chinese supported the Koreans. Who gives a fuck? I gotta say, I saw another Chinese person get on the train today with a fucking surgical mask on their face. Leave it alone, Holden.

I'm sorry. You're not in China anymore. It's fine. You're not going to get fucking sick. They do it because they are sick. I'm serious. It's common courtesy in the culture to cover your face when you are sick. Get me sick then. I'd rather see your mouth and get sick

than you walk on like you're in some fucking sci-fi movie, alright? Yeah, I've never seen anyone but an Asian with a surgical mask on. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's their culture. It's their culture. I mean, it is their culture. No, they wear it when they're

sick so they don't get others sick. Michael Jackson wore one. Well, he was trying not to get sick. Yeah, well, he was fucking... He was not having sex with those boys. Michael Jackson is innocent. He was hugging them and holding them. Michael Jackson and Latoya Jackson are the same person. If you guys didn't know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They are the same fucking person. Where has she been for the past five years? In a grave. She hasn't been in a grave. No, no, no, no, no. Michael Jackson killed the Michael Jackson persona so he could parade around with big old fucking titties being Latoya Jackson

how he's always wanted to be. Yeah, that makes sense. Yes, it does. Thank you, Colin. Doesn't make sense. Technically, it's an idea. Alright, it's time for a segment from Old McNamara. First, I got a beef.

Beef squash. Jason Sines, I asked you to be on your video game podcast, Unlimited Lives. I got a beef. Beef squash. Jason signs. I asked you to be on your video game podcast on limited lives. You said, be invited. I said, let me be on. I said,

it'd be cool to be on. I play video games. You have to tell someone you play video games. And he said, yeah, sure thing, buddy. Yeah.

Everyone knows you play video games. And he said, sure thing, but I haven't heard fucking face. Everyone knows you play video games. And he said, sure thing, bud. I haven't heard from him for a week. So I'm starting to beef. That means you're not good enough to be on a show. I'm starting to beef. So beef is not squash. Come squash the beef.

It doesn't matter. You haven't even seen who your beef has been against. Chase the signs. I said it originally, though. Chase the signs of? Of Unlimited Lives Podcast, the video game podcast. Good plug. I can't wait to listen to it.

I am plugging it. I'm plugging it because you're not on it. And you want Holdenators to? Say ho a lot. No, you fucking dip. What is wrong with you? Good fucking Christ. This is why no one likes you.

Marcus' children's names. So the segment today is Marcus had three children. We have to give them names. Your beef was to get another food. We already got the names. Absolutely. I'm starting to beef within the same fucking radio. Dynamo Cracker Jack.

It doesn't matter. And then we both get publicity. Because then if they start talking about it, then we'll get publicity. No one has publicity. This is not going to work out in your favor. Cross promotion. All publicity. It's all been stuck into your Kickstarter.

50 Cent and Kanye West did it like fucking four years ago. We're done. CCR's done. The whole thing is over. All the money that we possibly could have gotten is going to your fucking budget days. Marcus has children's names. Marcus has three children. We have to give them names.

The youngest is a son. The middle is a daughter. And the oldest is some sort of mutant child. Yes, some sort of mutant. Maybe a dog. We don't know. A mutant's name is Holden. Holden McNeely.

You can't get close to a boy. You give your own names. I'll give mine, all right? That's how the game works, bro. Yes, it close to a bull. You give your own names. I'll give mine. All right? First one. That's how the game works, bro. Yes. It's not a game. First one's going to be.

Games are fun. It's not technically a game. Yeah, because there's a winner. He's going to assign winners. Right. All right. It's a late night podcast. We're getting rowdy.

Everyone needs to cool out. We need to calm. My first name for the youngest son is Bone Lord. Bone Lord. Oh, Bone Lord. All right. All right. For the youngest. Yes. For the youngest son. All right. Because one Bone Lord. All right. All right. For the youngest.

Yes. For the youngest son. All right. Because one day he will grow up to be king. Right? Game of Thrones. The oldest son usually. Is a mutant.

So we don't know. I think he's just going to end up. Oh, yeah. He's a donkey. He's going to die young. It's like Fredo. Exactly. Middle daughter.

No. Middle daughter. Shovelie. Shovelie. All right. Shovel-y. Shovel-y. Alright. Okay. With an I. Yeah, with an I.

Oldest son. Holden. Alright. Okay. I stole it from all you fuckers. Holden. Lord of gifts. Holden Lord of gifts.

He's going to have a huge penis, by the way. The oldest son. Big cock. Big cock. Just call him a muley. All right. Yeah, a muley. Muley's good.

Holden the muley. Okay, Holden the muley. Okay, who's next? All right, very good. It was good. Do you want to go? Todd, you have to go next. There's an order.

Why do I have to go next? Because you're asked. Because you moved your seat. If you would have sat over there and sit? Todd, you have to go next. There's an order. Why do I have to go next? Because you're asked because you moved your seat. If you would have sat over there and didn't move, I did sit over there. Daughter, oldest son, and what else? Youngest son, middle daughter. Your damn games. Let me tell you, man. They're so confusing.

Youngest son, middle daughter, oldest mutant. All right, all right, all right. Youngest son. Panty lover. All right, panty lover. I like panty. Daughter. Daughter's name is going to be...

Panty wearer. All right. This all of a sudden feels like a segment in Family Feud. Show me panty wearer. Panty wearer. Oldest son. Oldest mutant. It's a mutant child.

You don't know if it's a boy or a girl because it's all fucking misshaped. Bearclaw Hammerfest. Bearclaw Hammerfest. Bearclaw Hammerfest. That's very good. That is very good. Ben Kissel. I hate these segments.

Always have. Me too. Is this your least favorite part of the show? Turn it right off. Todd, what are your other complaints about the show? Everyone cares. Super fan Todd, what else do you hate about this show? I love Todd, dude.

It's usually when fans come on, they appreciate us. He loves you. Other people want to recast the goddamn thing. All right, so my first child is named, well, I suppose, Ben Kissel. Okay, youngest son, Ben Kissel. Ben Kissel Jr. So like Ben Kissel Parks? No, why?

Oh, why? Because it's my child. Kissel would be the middle name. Oh, is it your child? Yeah, it's his child. Mark is his children. Oh, no, no, no. Ben Kissel Parks.

You haven't been paying attention at all. No. You see, he's a multi-millionaire. That's how this always starts. He's a multi-millionaire. I'm a multi-millionaire father. He's going to name three children, but he's bad at naming names.

Real bad. I'm having them all at the same time. Youngest son, Ben Kissel. For Marcus Parks. Youngest son. We'll do, I'm going to say American Spirit, because Marcus likes American Spirit cigarettes. That's a native name for the eldest son.

You're such a kiss-ass. Middle daughter. No, I just don't even try. Middle daughter. And then middle daughter, her name is Holden Gray. I like that. That's a good name. Yeah.

That's a good name. It's a nice name for a girl. And oldest mutant. Ooh, maybe Plumpernug. I like that. Yeah, Plumpernug. Plumpernug's a good name for a mutant. I like Plumpernug.

He's plump. He's got nugs. Colin? This is a tough one. Youngest son. That's the mutant? No, no, no. The mutant's the oldest.

Oh. Youngest son. Youngest son, oldest mutant. Oh, I see. We'll start with the youngest boy. All right. So, youngest boy. We'll go with

Saul Hudson. Saul Hudson. Yeah, that would be Slash's real name. Oh, okay. Good name. That's good. Middle daughter. Some reason I just think Taqueria.

With a Q. Taqueria. Marcus gets to choose how to spell them. Taqueria. With a Q. Taqueria. Taqueria. Marcus gets to choose how to spell them. Yes, I do. And oldest mutant. Jesus. Okay.

That's very good. Yeah, that's great. Not Jesus. No, Jesus. No, no, no. Of course. Hard J. We're next to Mexico.

His friends call him Big Baby. Jackie. Hard Steed. Is the youngest son. Hard Steed. First name Hard, last name Steed. No, no. Hard Steed. Hard Steed.

That's one word. Hard Steed Parks. Girl's name. Wettest. Wettest. Dumb's name. Dono Kill It. Dono Kill It. Dono Kill It. Dono Kill It.

Dono Kill It. Dono Kill It. That's a great, because the thing that you're going to do with a mutant the most is yell at it. Dono Kill It. Dono Kill It really just flies off the tongue in a yelling sense. Dono Kill It. Exactly. Fuck!

Fuck would also be a good name for the mutant. Alright, Ed Larson. You snorted there. I snorted because I was thinking. That's what piggies do when you're thinking. That's how the thoughts come in. Oh, I didn't realize. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot.

I'm going to call the youngest son. His first name's Big Tree. Middle name National. Big Tree National. Big Tree National Parks. Hey! All right. That's very good.

That's very good. The girl will be Steve. I thought you were going with Edwina. Yeah, no Ed. Steve Edwina will be her middle name because, you know, it doesn't go over well apparently. It's better than Steve. Yeah, yeah. Steve. Strong name.

Steve's a strong woman's name. Yeah, yeah. Steve. She's changing shit. Stevie Nicks? No, it's Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve Edwina. Steve Edwina. Steve Edwina parks. Okay. All right. She's not, no one's going to talk to her.

She's Marcus's daughter. My daughter's not going to have a good time at anything. And the, the dum-dum, the big doofy-doof,

we'll call them, let's give them something fun, you know, like, we'll go bit-bop. Bit-bop. Bit-bop. Yeah, bit-bop parks. Bit-bop'll go Bip-Bop. Bip-Bop. Bip-Bop.

Yeah, Bip-Bop Parks. Bip-Bop. Hey, Bip-Bop. Bip-Bop, put that down, Bip-Bop. Put that down, Bip-Bop. Bip-Bop, no. Bip-Bop, no. Marcus, I feel like there could be one winner, there could be two winners, there could be

three winners in this. You know, I think for the youngest, I'm going to have to go with Hardsteed. Oh, yeah. There you go. It's a wonderful name for a young son. See, Jackie always wins these things. I mean, I'm going to have to go with Hardsteed. It's a wonderful name for a young son. See, Jackie always wins these things. I mean, I'm really good at reading Marcus. I don't know if you've been paying attention.

She's pretty good. I win a bunch. You've been listening, buddy. I'm a fucking good champion here. I love you, Jackie, but I am the winner. She really knows. Thank you, Tom. She really knows Marcus.

She knows Marcus, but I know the world. That's true. And you know what? That's true. That's real true. That is true. For the daughter, I think I'm going to go with Takiera. Takiera.

Okay. I think Takiera. Next restaurant for a daughter. Fine. Whatever you want. Sure. And you know, I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, really.

Okay. The monster name is the hardest one. There's no losers, really. Yeah, there's no losers. I mean, I love Holden, Lord of Gifts. I love Bearclaw, Hammerfist. I love Plumpernug. I love Jesus.

I love Don't Kill It. Yeah. But you don't like my favorites, Bitbop. There it is. You don't like it because it's playful. It's playful. That way I feel like if his name was Dono Kill It, I think I'd come to hate him because I'd just fucking constantly be fucking killing it. But Bitbop, it's like, because I could be like, oh, Bitbop.

Stop it, Bitbop. But I could also say, oh, Bitbop, who's your dead Bitbop? Who's my Bitbop? it's like, because I can be like, oh, no, Bip-Bop. Stop it, Bip-Bop. But I can also say, oh, Bip-Bop, who's your dead Bip-Bop? Who's my Bip-Bop? You come here, Bip-Bop. That's a good point. It's like a game you can play with your friends. I like Bip-Bop a lot, too. That's right.

So Colin, Jackie, and Eddie, both big winners. That's been the roundtable. Thanks for being here. All daters, help. All right, Colin, thanks for being here, too. And, of course, everyone, come to the roast of Marcus Barks. It's June 1st. June 1st.

It's going to be here in the creek. At RT of Gentlemen, Murderfish, second Saturday. Join the Kickstarter. Thank you, Lucy Beach. Thank you, Megan Boone. We'll be giving out full thank yous at next Sunday's roundtable. All right, well, we got two or three out of the way. Yeah.

So, fuck them. Alright, very good. God bless America. Ben Kissel, what's your... Don't do it. What's your... It doesn't matter. It's at Ben Kissel. At Ben Kissel, that's it? It used to be something else, right? Add me on Simpsons Tapped Out.

Todd Loves Pizza, all one word, lowercase. Todd Loves Pizza? Yeah. I'm addicted to Simpsons Tapped Out. I'm sorry. I don't even know what thatcase. Todd loves pizza? Yeah. All right. I'm addicted to Simpsons tapped out. Simpsons tapped out. I don't even know what that is. What is it? It's a game. It's kind of like, you know, you build your own Springfield.

Oh, okay. Colin, you're an artist, right? Yeah. Do you have a blog or anything? I'm 42. I got two kids, man. I got nothing. Wait till Todd's not screaming about nothing.

Yeah. You're 42, Todd? Yeah. All right. Are we still recording? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Colin's got to plug his thing. DrunkenPenguinStudio.blogspot.com.

Check it out. It's fucking great stuff. You're playing the Simpsons game online? Yeah. Yeah, I got it on my Kindle. Watch Discovery Channel, Shark Week. All right.

Done. It's done. It doesn't matter. Goodbye.