The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 2: Ghost Herpes Attack

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Happens just as often as shark attacks. We will prove this fact and more on this, the second episode of The Roundtable of Gentlemen. We’ve got our resident Ghost Expert Jackie Zebrowski in the cellar this week to talk about how we should NOT fuck with ghosts. At all. But we’re gonna do it anyway.

Wait. No. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. With us as always, Kevin Barnett, Older McNeely, Ed Larson, Cupcake, and I'm Ben Kissel. What's up, everybody? Not much. One day you'll get that opening.

Yeah, man. Well, no. One day you'll really stick. Actually, I don't think you will. What are you talking about? I got the opening for the third one. We're going to cut out those first two, right, Cupcake? We didn't last time.

I don't think we should this time. What do you mean? You should hear what you're doing wrong and then correct it. Watch the game film, buddy. Are you insane? That's absolutely... Is he staying? No, it's staying.

You're a fuck-up. And that's what we're going to showcase. That's why we put you in the house. I'm Ed Larson, ladies and gentlemen. I am Ed Larson. Nice to have you here with us, Ben Kissel. God, Ben Kissel's so funny. I'm coming straight from the horse's mouth.

Big news. That Fritzl character is no longer the only psychopath who locks up his own children in the basement. There's another fella in. Where is that cupcake? That would be in Brazil. Brazil's got a Fritzl. Now, who is Fritzl, Ben? Fritzl's that fella.

Fritzl's that fella over there in Sweden, locked up his daughters. What do you have? Austria. How many daughters did he have? Three or four? About three. Three or four, and he kept them all in the basement, and he would have sex with them, and he had one... Make pretzels out of them. Uh, seven. Fritzl pretzels! Best pretzels around!

You'll never taste it crispy or body. Those pretzels were delicious. I was so upset when I heard the news. They didn't have... No salt. No. Those pretzels were delicious. I was so upset when I heard the news. They didn't have no salt. No salt at all. Just naturally delicious. They were in the shape of a heart. They were in the shape of a heart like a normal pretzel. They were in the shape of a cross, which was interesting.

Yeah, and they were actually completely natural. They grew from the ground. I like cross pretzels. Yeah. They're the best pretzels money can buy. So what's the story with this fellow over there in Brazil? The story is that he was in a remote fishing village in Brazil. Always the remote fishing villages, isn't it?

Yeah. No one's checking up on him. Yeah. That's where Jason Voorhees is from as well. Oh, yeah. Cam Crystal Lake. A lot of people fish there. Piranhas.

He imprisoned his daughter for 12 years, raped her repeatedly, and had seven children with her. Do you still call her your daughter at that point? Yeah. She's implicated. I think that you do. She is implicated. And how the kids do. So I guess they're not grandchildren. He's the father

and the grandfather. He wears many hats, this young fella. He's a real go-getter. He's 54. 54, seven kids with his daughter. True family man. George Foreman. He is. I actually think

this is less offensive than naming all your kids George when your name is George. Not if you name them all Fritzl. Fritzl 1, Fritzl 2, Fritzl 3. Fritzl 4 was very successful. Fritzl 5 never got out. Yeah, no, no, no. That sounds like a delicious Polish food, Fritzl.

Yeah. How old are the kids? It was seven kids? So he had the first girl when he was, what, 44? An established young man? I guess, yeah, yeah, yeah. It had been for 12 years, so. Yeah, I guess it was about 44. 44, had the daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It had been for 12 years. Yeah, I guess it was about 44.

44, had the daughter. Did he just run out of ladies to have sex with? How did he get custody of the daughter? It doesn't really say. How bad is the woman that birthed that girl if they gave it to that psychopath? She's probably dead. The real question here is how fine is this daughter? Do you have any pics? dead. The real question here is how fine is this daughter? A lot of

fucking, there's a lot of bad bitches in Brazil. That's from what I know. I haven't been there, but I mean it. It's like a trip. They're from two months to 12 years. So she had a baby at 12? Yes.

Holy Jesus. It started off... Actually, no, no, no. She's 28 now. Right, but the other baby's 12. Okay, so she had it at 16. Well, that must have been a terrible four years. The mother died, and she had to move in with the father,

and the father went mad with grief at his wife's death. And because she looked so much like her mother... Boom! And he was just like, all right, look... You should write for SVU. with grief at his wife's death. And because she looked so much like her mother, boom! And he was just like, alright, look. You should write for SVU. I fucking love that show. Yeah, I think he made the decision like, look, I'm just gonna pull my pants down, have a boner, run around the house with you in it, and just see

what happens. Over the course of time. That is gonna be a haunted, haunted dungeon of a home though. I will say that. That sounds absolutely disturbing. We could do it in my boiler room.

There you go. Let's not keep captive children in the boiler room, Cupcake. That sounds like a terrible idea. Why else would you

have a boiler room, Ben? We're heating the home. What are we supposed to not do in there? Oh, not murder. Not enjoy captivity. We've got to put

people in there. I don't know what you're thinking. You can dig in that room. Yeah, you can. You can beat off in that room all the time. You can beat off in any room. That's great. Yeah, I mean, I, you know, but yeah, but that's a good sanctity. No one's going to the boiler room. I gotta get a boiler room. I don't jerk enough, so I'm gonna

come over here. Frequently. Check off in the boiler room? Our house is always open to you, Kevin. We're going to have to get some kind of time chart out front of the boiler room we can sign off on. We all can look at. Exactly. They only work for five minutes at a time.

My computer's too slow, and I always got to go somewhere. I don't have time to just... Just got to hop into the boiler room Lawrence is just in the other room playing with toys and the strange thing is like it's like a fan for Lawrence

the dude jacking off in the room next door just makes him go to sleep in a heartbeat so that's Mike Lawrence a fantastic comedian for everyone who doesn't know

Mike Lawrence is my roommate except he lives in the cellar below my house, underground. Nicest place he's ever lived. It's actually amazing. He lives on the other side of the curtain. Seriously.

This does have a strange ghost-like aura, and I think hauntings, they're on the rise. Hauntings are on the rise. Holden has an unbelievable ghost story. So I'm talking to my neighbor And good friend Natalie From college

And her poltergeist situation has gotten out of hand Now we're talking about Serious ghostly mind fuck shit bro It's like the kind of shit That's like you don't wanna If you hear If it goes through the speakers It could infect another house Are we gonna do this i mean is it a nice ghost a mean ghost i mean i think i think

it's heaven bacon was a ghost one of the sweetest ghosts of all time or was it bacon that was well now he is a ghost hey there we go it's amazing how life imitates our another ghost now ghost to the ghost of Swayze. Using old footage of him that they've reworked to fit into a movie. Oh, my God, it would be such a great movie. It would be like New Nightmare, you know? But good, yeah. I would love to see Swayze come back and just haunt, just go absolutely insane on everybody.

Oh, man. Just constantly putting people in the corner. Country terrified by mass Swayze sightings. Oh man, he just kills Ashton Kutcher. That's the thing. Ghosts, if you can hear this, I know we're in your native land. Please kill Ashton Kutcher.

That would be amazing. I can't watch any more of those stupid fucking camera commercials he's making. What happened with Natalie? She's been having weird stuff going on. Starting with the burners will be turned on when she gets home.

Or wakes up in the morning, which is like fucking gas your brain down, you're gonna die. Is it electric or a flame stove? Gas. Gas. It's a gas stove.

Carbon monoxide. God, it took me a little while to figure that out. Yeah, I know, right? Like, how long has this been going on at a house? Like, I mean, pretty much, I think since she moved in. I mean, since I've met her, she's had, like, I've, yeah, since I've, like, re-met up with her up in the city, this shit's been going on.

Her clothes hung up and found when she'll, like, come into the next, in the next day. She'll have her clothes all hung up, going out for the night, swinging on some Miller Lights, having a good time. Wet in the middle of the floor. Just sopping wet in the middle of the floor. Jesus. Yeah.

I wonder how this ghost died. There has to be something with water involved. Water and fire. Because we're talking about gas. She thought there was a drowning, but I was like, but the burners. Right, that's the thing. That's the superpower you get when you die is the thing that killed you. I'm thinking.

You get to conquer it and control it. Oh, I hope I don't die by like a bus. Then I just have to be an MTA guy or something like that. That would be terrifying. Here's what I'm thinking. Fucking with traffic routes and shit. Here's what I think. Water, fire.

There was a grease fire in the kitchen. He threw water on the grease fire, flew on her, she burned alive. That's very possible. Smart man. I wouldn't be able to think that by myself with my puny brain. You did it.

I feel like I would love to be haunted, though. It would be really great. I can't deal with it. It would be really great. I can't deal with it. No, not at all. No, they can't really hurt you. Yes, they can. No, no.

The flame, man. It can make flame happen. It can make flame appear. That's when it's fucked up. That's when you're implicated, bro. That's when the ghost hunts you. Scorpion was a ghost in Mortal Kombat. Yeah, man.

And you saw when he fucking pulled off his mask. And he threw the spike at dude's chest and bring him in to him. Throats. Throat of the throats. Yeah. It's not like some Disney Channel movie where if you don't believe it, it won't hurt you. This is real life. I believe it. I think that most ghosts are probably good, though.

I think most people are good for the most part. People try to be good i bet you uh for all the ghosts are out there let's say how many people have died over history maybe like 500 billion people it's like shark attacks you know probably as many ghost murders as shark attacks i'm going yeah i'd agree with that i think that's a fair estimate we didn't even have to google it and we came up with it i think this is what this is why it's legit one more ghost story that happened recently yes so she showed me the pictures of this shit a fair estimate. We didn't even have to Google it when we came up with it. I think this is why it's legit. Do you have one more ghost story that happened recently? Yeah, so she showed me the pictures of this shit.

A cabinet, she got some Nutella out of a cabinet, took a spoonful of it. A fantastic German cuisine dish. A single spoonful of this Nutella, alright? Put the Nutella back into the cabinet, was walking to the living room. She said to her roommate out loud, God damn you for bringing Nutella into this house. And then she heard a boom.

She ran back in. Big boom. All right. She ran back in. The cabinet was on the other side of the floor and flipped upside down. It had flown off of the wall, turned upside down. Not on its side, mind you. Like, perfectly upside down on the floor.

And she showed me the pictures. And it was fucking terrifying. So we were bringing a Ouija board into that place, man. That sounds like the worst idea. Yeah, we're bringing out the spirit. Yeah, you were going to. I love that. Ghosts are so strong, you know, they can just tear things off the wall, but I mean, I feel like if you have that kind of strength, wouldn't you

just fuck with things all the time? Just constantly be breaking windows, you know? They're tortured souls. I bet they can use their I bet they can only use their power sparingly. They only have so much, like Spawn. I used to collect Spawn. Is this recorded?

It was fourth grade, people. Give me a break. I do. Just Spawn's nuts. Just his balls. No, man. We're also talking poltergeist here and feminine energy and shit. It's two girls who live in this place.

Feminine energy. You think that brings on more poltergeist? I had, yes. Speaking of feminine energy, we have a quasi-ghost expert in the house tonight to help us solve this conundrum. We have Jackie Zabrowski. Jackie Z. Hey guys. Real or fake, is this girl lying to Holden? No, she's not fucking lying, man. I completely

believe in this shit. Mind you, she also believes that the moon landing didn't happen. Don't discredit our fucking special guest, Holden. We're trying to look professional here, man. Absolutely. So Ghost Whisperer, Jackie Sabrowski, knows everything. Not that it's not professional to think that we didn't land on the moon. We're not talking about that. We're not opening up that can of worms tonight, Sabrowski. All right? It's fine.

Jackie uses Google. No one ever wants to talk about the fake moon landing. Yeah, well, I know. Always. I always want to fucking talk about it. Yeah, because it's real, man. It happened. All right. Well, to a certain extent. I always want to fucking talk about it. Yeah, because it's real, man. It happened. All right.

Well, to a certain extent. So, what do you think? How many... Ten being this is certainly a haunting, one being this is a woman going crazy on her own volition. What do you think here? I'm going to go ahead and say it's a fucking nine here, bro. Wow.

Yeah, I think it's a nine. Not a ten, but definitely a nine. I totally believe in the Ouija board. When I was in, I think it was my freshman year of high 10, but definitely a 9. I totally believe in the Ouija board. When I was in, I think it was my freshman year of high school, we used a Ouija board. We had it. It was named Deb Deb. We ended up burning it after the summer.

Three months of just straight using it. And I swear to God, it would turn up the stations on the radio, and it would skip songs on the DVD, on our CD player. Sounds like you just had a big remote. Or shitty electronics. Well, it very well may have been that, but it was insanely creepy.

Did it skip certain songs? It just skipped songs. No, just randomly. You would speak to it and then something would happen. Cats. The cats would always go crazy. Cats see ghosts. Everybody knows that. Her cat has been getting sick. Really?

Yeah, and for some reason Her cat has been getting sick. Oh, really? Uh-oh. They're in glue. Yeah, yeah. And for some reason, the cat keeps getting let out. That's another one of the things. The cat keeps getting let out into the back, like, and the door has a lock on it and stuff. No, it's female energy, guys. Yeah, right?

It's the spirits from the earth, man. It's Mother Nature. That's why women control powers, you know? That's why. Because you want to perform, like, a seance in this place, right? Yeah. This is what you were talking about. I mean, when you do a seance. I am down for a seance. She's why women control powers, you know? That's why. Because you want to perform like a seance in this place, right? That's what you were talking about. I am down for it. She's got it.

You're all idiots. You're not seeing the obvious truth that's in the room right now. What? You're all going to get murdered by a ghost? You're going to watch someone catch on fire for no fucking reason? I'm going to go, and I'm going to cover myself in lighter fluid. I'm going to set someone catch on fire for no fucking reason? I'm going to go and I'm going to cover myself in lighter fluid.

I'm going to set myself ablaze halfway through. Sacrifice myself simply for the ghost story to continue on. You're going to get caught. You're going to ruin it. Someone's going to find the lighter on you. No!

This idiot! Give me the article. I'm going to survive, and it's just going to be terrible. Nobody believe me. I'll have like a redneck's lips, you know, white rednecks that have no lips.

Let me just say that. So, all right, so Jack, your mother has books about seances and cleansing like dark spirits and shit. Oh, yes, definitely Jack, your mother has books about seances and cleansing, like, dark spirits and shit. Oh, yes, definitely. I think that it's something that, I think it's definitely something that a woman has to

do, though, especially in this kind of situation. I've never heard this, I don't know where you get this woman theory. Every time I've seen a seance or any sort of... It's Mother Nature, man! The moon! The periods are connected to the moon, bro! Have you never heard of the brujera? I don't even know what that is.

Mexican witches. They're badass. Hell yeah. You have to use it for good, though, man. My mom white lights everything. She believes in the white power of the universe, and she white lights things, and it always turns out okay. I think we should put a gender on fucking Mother Earth. Why is it Mother Earth?

It's Earth. There is no, it is not a vagina. I gotta tell you, It's fine. It just doesn't make any sense for the argument. Ever since your mom white-lighted me, things have been going

just fucking fantastic. Great. Cupcake, how did I white-light you? For example, today, I found out that I don't have to go into the office at all anymore. That's wonderful.

Cupcake, can you explain to me what a white-light is? Yeah, what is, like, what's... Jackie? Basically, it's when my mother has incantations, basically, that she says that... Sounds like a Mexican fruit. Yeah, right?

Incantation, yeah, absolutely. Tasty, though. Juicy. A lot of seeds in them, though. Very sweet. Nah, man, it's just fucking positive energy, bro. You just gotta fucking shoot out positive energy at someone. You gotta fucking think about it.

You gotta think about the person. And when someone good comes into your life, you gotta fucking white light them. you gotta think about the person, and when someone good comes into your life, you gotta fucking white light them because they're good and they're only fucking good, bro. Yeah!

So, kind of like what Guru did for Piccolo in Dragon Ball Z. Yeah, yeah, right? And all the power got unlocked, and, you know,

but it can only do it if you're pure of heart. Yeah, but it beats Well, maybe my mother's fucking pure of heart. You ever fucking think of that? No, that's what I'm saying.

I don't doubt that for a second. I appreciate that. Tony Robbins hubble-oo'd me, this whole white light business. Well, I'm telling you, we're going to unlock some kind of beast and we're going to wrestle with it, and I can't goddamn wait. Natalie's definitely filled with feminine energy. Yeah, dude.

No, those two ladies, man, I think there's something going on there. We've got to figure this thing out. Friends from Tallahassee. Yeah, yeah. No, those two ladies, man. I think there's something going on there. We've got to figure this thing out. Friends from Tallahassee. Yeah, yeah. Friends from Tallahassee. I went to a Unitarian church. I had a Wiccan Sunday school teacher one semester.

So crazy. And she talked about how she lived in a house with a bunch of fellow witches, right? And they had this one chick stay in. By witches, they mean McDonald's employees. In other words, that's their day job. Which was, yeah, which is how they practiced on the fries and the burgers, you know, to make them taste better.

But they, yeah. Sesame seed. Yeah, they created, the Wiccan culture created the sesame seed bun. I don't know if you knew that. It was a small fact. Little known fact. Wow. Rappable gentleman.

But she said they let one particular Wiccan stay with them that practiced black magic. And their one rule was like... Why gotta be black magic? Yeah, no, their one rule to St. Al's was like, you can't practice black... All right. Why gotta be black magic? It's my fucking story. The white power, now it's black magic?

Unbelievable. You doing it? It's like you started to write out the dictionary in its entirety? Oh, yeah. But, no, but, yeah, and she let a poltergeist loose in its entirety. Oh, yeah. But, uh, no, but, uh, yeah, and she let a poltergeist loose in the house, and she described very similar things. Dishes flying across the, uh,

against the wall and stuff like that. Some reason the kitchen, too, which is kind of funny, is like the whole woman thing. But stay in the kitchen, ladies! Maybe that's the thing. Maybe the power lies within her. That's the thing. Maybe the power lies within her. That's the thing.

That's what I'm saying. This ghost is in love with her. She said she hated the Nutella, and then the ghost took the cabinet that had the Nutella in it and fucking threw it across the whole cabinet. Good point, Eddie. I need to explain this, but the thing is, she's getting all the attention.

Her roommate, it's like nothing's happening. It's in love with her. It doesn't hate her. It's in love with her. Dad, I gotta talk to It doesn't hate her. It's in love with her. Dad, I gotta talk to her about this. This is fascinating. That'll freak her the fuck out. It's great, though, but it'd be like a Ghostbusters thing where you wake up and you're getting

done down by a... I don't know nothing. I don't know anything. Just Ed in the room dressed like a ghost. If I was a ghost, I'd tell you. It was a ghost, I'd tell you. It was a ghost. Come on. Every gal would just get those butts

nibbled on every single evening. A little carp going after bread on a stick. If I was a ghost, I'm not opening it. I'm just saying if I was a ghost, ladies would be very happy. They would love it very, very much. I always thought it would be

hilarious if there was a ghost bordello called Supernatural Delight. I'd go there. I mean, when you're a ghost, do you keep the, like, I mean, obviously in the movies and stuff, if you burn in a fire, you're like a burned up ghost. But do you think in real life, like, you know, when they go, obviously these things

exist in real life, is it like a burned up ghost? Or is it like, do you go back they go, obviously these things exist in real life. Is it like a burned up ghost? Or is it like, do you go back to your normal form? Are you just the perception of yourself when you die? And then when you're a ghost, it's like, oh, I wanted to be beautiful. So now I'm going to be a beautiful ghost. Or you die looking the most horrific you've ever looked, which is the moment of your death. That would be the Beetlejuice scenario. Is that what happens?

Oh, yeah. See, the ghost that I always see is in full medieval armor. That's just me. I'm sorry. I get really drunk. I black out with the sword and everything. I've got to stop getting dressed up. Whenever I think about myself as a ghost, I always imagine myself wearing a really nice, well-fitted suit.

Oh, yeah. Dapper ghost. Dapper ghost. The gentleman ghost. I imagine when you're a ghost, you're going to be on a Texas farm, and the cows are going to be seeming like getting impregnated all over town. They'll be like, I don't know why all of our cows are pregnant. Nine months later, they're going to birth out nothing. And it'll just be the ghost of Marcus Cow.

See, I think I'd prefer to be the most horrifying of all ghosts, the little girl. Hey, hi. You know, you just got like blood leaking out of your throat and shit. Fucking freakiest in the world. be the most horrifying of all ghosts the little girl hey hi you know you just got like blood leaking out of your throat and shit fucking freaky shit in the world

wanna play with me we skip around yeah I did The Shining was the last and only horror movie ever to make children horrified

every other horror movie since then I'm like alright I get it they're kids I don't know what about that kid in Pet Sematary

that cuts his dad's Achilles tendon with a scap? That's a kid from Kindergarten Cop. Yeah! Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a tumor. I had to do it. It's a tumor.

Kids are scary. Children of the Corps. You're such a fucking little brother. I know, but those kids are still alive, aren't they? Well, I guess, yeah, not really, but sort of. Children of the court's badass. It is badass. I'm saying, like, you know, like, I'm saying, like, horror movies nowadays are always just flashing dead kids everywhere.

Is that supposed to be the big scare? Oh, yeah. It's like, you know. I'm numb to that now. Yeah, I don't even care. It's like a child ghost. Fuck you, child ghost. Check this out.

Speaking of dead children. Uh-oh. Yeah. Melissa Huckabee got life killing an eight-year-old. A California teacher, right? Sunday school teacher.

Sunday school teacher. Was it a Unitarian Sunday school teacher? Was she a Wiccan? Was she Wiccan? Was she gay? A gay Sunday school teacher, worked at McDonald'siccan? Was she Wiccan? Was she gay? A gay Sunday school Wiccan teacher? Worked at McDonald's? No, no, no. Her only statement was

she did not suffer and I did not sexually molest her. Oh, good. She suffered when you fucking killed her. That's a huge suffering. Good God! Found the body in a suitcase. Irrigation.

What's the thing about, you know... I'm packing light! Why are you bringing that up? There's something I'm going to say to somebody if you're holding a suitcase with a dead girl in it. I mean, do ghosts... I guess ghosts only exist if you die horrifically in life? That's the overall trend, I assume, right? What, for ghosts, they're restless spirits.

Yeah, that's the theory. Yeah, I guess they're restless. I mean, this guy who's haunting Natalie seems to be insanely, not, not restless. That's why you finally say it's a guy, because it's always been referred to as she, for some reason. I don't know why. And that's why she's so mad. Yeah, yeah. An angry lesbian ghost

who used to be a Wiccan Sunday school teacher who worked at McDonald's here? Oh, I think we're onto something here. I think... It's very possible. Do you think she'll like milkshakes? I'll get her one. Yeah, that's the thing.

They should have eight milkshakes for the seance. And if any one of those milkshakes just begins to, like, drink itself, you know it's her. Hell yeah. Oh, that would be incredible. The milkshake ghost.

That's what I want to do. Fuck eating chicks' ass, that would be incredible. The milkshake ghost. That's what I want to do. Fuck eating chicks' asses. I want to be the milkshake ghost. Now, but we'll have... I applaud that, Ben. Yeah. I do. That would be an absolute blast.

If I was a ghost, I would just hate on, like, stuck-up girls who was all fine and shit. Like, bitch, you smell like shit. Whisper that once a night to the girl like right when she's going to bed just take it down your hair looks terrible your style choice

is disgusting I think you'd be the demon haunting snooki just hate and I'd be a restless spirit because I didn't

hate enough in my lifetime I'll just come back and just hate so much frantic energy you got nowhere else to use it it's like I think I'm being haunted but I just don't much frantic energy you got nowhere else to use it it's like I think I'm being haunted

but I just don't even know I just feel bad about myself in the morning I'll update everything I'm a stupid bitch maybe that's where all female low self esteem just is a product of past Barnett's haunting

you're not good enough, you're never going to be anybody. Your tits ain't big enough. I love your tits, ladies. Good work, Ben. They all like it. Oh, man. They all dig it. Oh, Christ.

Oh. Tits. All right. Yeah, what's going on with those? Oh, yeah. Did you guys hear about the porn star who killed himself? Mr. Barack Obama on the penis screen. He was in Nailing Palin.

No, he wasn't in Nailing Palin. He was in Erection 2008. Killed a bunch of people with a samurai sword. Well, he killed one, injured two. He killed one, injured two. They asked him. He was 30 years old. They said, I don't know what was going on with his pain. Apparently he couldn't get it up anymore

or perhaps his seven and a half inch. He was blown out on fucking cocaine and these porn people keep buying up the swords. Go to one porn producer's house. Tell me there ain't seven swords in it. This is waiting to happen.

This is about any day now. That's completely true. Board producers love swords. You'll never explain it. It really is. It's completely irresponsible. But he didn't kill himself. I mean, the cops, he was on the run for two days and he was on a cliff in California. He was on a California

cliff and the cops thought this would be a good time to tase him. So the cops tased him. Right on the edge of the cliff. This is a totally true story. And it was after eight hours. So eventually the cops just went, fuck it.

And he fell off the cliff. Well, the funny thing is, how lazy is the dude that they sent in to talk people down from the cliff? Like, it was probably, like, literally happened at 5.01. The guy clocked in at 9 in the morning. He was like, I'll go talk to the guy. 5 p.m. rolled around. He's like, I'm out.

I'm done. I'm done talking to the guy. You guys do whatever you want to do. I got a wife and kids and shit. Fucking coked out swordsman. Knock him off the cliff. And he was also living at the studio offices. Oh, so he knew

where all the swords were he definitely had inside access he would be a strange kind of ghost just a big boner ghost running all around

just doing terrible terrible things oh but he lives on the mountain side man that's the thing when you're a ghost can you get to

move away from where you were murdered or do you have to stay I just hope I don't die driving through Poughkeepsie if I have to live on a fucking side of the road in Poughkeepsie. If I have to live on a fucking

side of the road in Poughkeepsie my entire existence I'll be very upset. There's this one story in North Carolina that's reoccurring of the blue man jogger. He's just like a blue guy that just can be seen jogging at like three in the morning. And ghosts become blue shadowy forms. It's like an apparition though. Yeah, blue

shadowy forms. Yeah, man. I'll tell you one thing I had a friend. Why blue? I don't know. That's good. They're sad, that's why. I mean, yeah, I hope that they're not sad. I want to see a red ghost someday. I would just love to see a red ghost. Oh, no, no, no.

You don't want to see no red ghosts. Oh, yeah, buddy. I want the fucking horse. Bad signs. Nothing good comes from a red ghost. Goat hooves. Flames out of the eyeballs. Either way, though.

I mean, I'm an interesting bird, though, in that sense. I mean, I just want to see the most devilish ghost I can find. Try to play some poker with him. I had a friend, Pete, who used to be a good friend of mine, and he became a totally evangelical Christian after he saw a ghost. It was over Lake Iverson in Stevens Point, Wisconsin, where I'm from. And he just saw a ghost, like, hovering, and he immediately became a born again Christian which I thought was bizarre because in my opinion that completely defuncts all religion.

Yeah they don't talk about ghosts too much in the Bible. They never talk about ghosts. I guess Jesus was a ghost there. Yeah Jesus was a ghost.

Well I mean the third day I suppose. Yeah I guess he was a ghost. Maybe they were just tripping off those vulture brains people are smoking in South

Africa during the World Cup. The vulture brains. You never know what those people were on. These fuckers at the World Cup in Oh, look, the vulture braids. You never know what those people were on. Oh, my God, the vulture braids. These fuckers at the World Cup in South Africa. Where are they? South Africa.

They're in South Africa? Yeah. Which is a great, great venue. Really smart planning on that one. Very smart planning. There was a riot on the first day. Like, eight people died. Did you hear about that?

It's brilliant. That happens every time there's a World Cup. That happened in Atlanta. Yeah. I know that was the Olympics. But yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was just a Falcons game. That was a bomb that Yeah. I know that was the Olympics. But yeah. It was just a Falcons game. That was a bomb that went off.

Yeah. So anyways, there's a South African tradition where they kill a vulture, open its head up, dry the brains, crush them, and smoke them like a cigarette. God, I just love that so much.

And they believe that it gives them visions of the future. I'm sure that it does. I'm sure it does, yeah. I'm sure it does. I mean, you know, it's like, I mean, that's the thing. Like, when all these biblical things were getting written, like, how fucked up were people? Like, you know, the Salem witch trials, they figured it out.

The reason that people were, like, going crazy and, like, being witches and everyone was, like, nuts because there was a wheat germ that was just, like, you know, it was like a... It was in the bread, right? Yeah, it was in the bread. It was pretty much acid. It was pretty much acid mushrooms. So people would just trip their balls off and there was just no rational explanation

except for that they were witches at that point. So you wonder when they were like... Yeah, but don't you just wish for simpler times when someone could just be a witch and we'd just burn them? You know? I mean, nowadays it's like, oh, maybe they're alright, they're good people, you know, but they're not. It's not a good idea, Ed. It's not a good idea.

You're afraid of ghosts, but you'll burn a witch? Well, no, I'd do it with a mob of people. Oh, you're just fine then. She's not counting heads. I mean, this is a human being, man. He's a human being. He's not a fucking savage.

So happy to be how much you wish You were a part of a mob With torches Oh man I want to be the loud mouth In front of a ridiculous mob At least once in my life Kill the witch

And she's like Dad I'm your daughter Kill her Kill her That would be terrifying That's a bonding experience yeah exactly I mean one person dies

but everybody else like gets closer you know like in a lot of beautiful ways it's beautiful bring it together it's like a it's like a dolphin's game

what's the best way to kill a witch you think gun well I think the worst way was the Salem witch trials where they said well if she drowns she's not a witch

but if she doesn't drown she is one and then we're gonna kill her anyway the worst one was the pressing, where they put the rock on the guy's chest. Oh, yeah. And he just died over a matter of a few days.

Oh, God. Why was it, like, our first inventions of human, and still, like, still, like, all of our inventions come from things that are motivated to just murder masses amounts of people, like nuclear energy, like all of that stuff. Like, all of our initial advancements In science and technology

Were simply there to murder people It's the same thing with porn and technology How? The reason why VHS won out Is because porn Cited with VHS And then the internet It's how the internet

Same thing Cable television makes almost all of their money on pay-per-view porn. 3D TV is being dominant. Well, that's the thing. 3D TV hasn't found a niche market yet. Porn is now siding with 3D TV. Yeah, well, I mean, that's how they're going to pitch it, which I don't know how they're going to get those commercials on TV.

That's going to be a hard sell. Well, it's starting with the Japanese. Oh, yeah. People know about it. I just want to walk in on the dude who's thinking he's licking a titty, because it's coming right out at him. But how big is that titty going to be?

Yeah, what if it's like a horror movie? You're like, whoa! It comes out, and you're just like, that titty almost took my head off. Sounds terrifying. That sounds wonderful. A 3D, I mean, how do you...

I'd be down with that. Yeah, I guess you could use... I like everything in 3D. Yeah, everything's better in 3D. I don't know, it just seems completely unnecessary, man. Yeah, it does seem completely unnecessary. I definitely don't want to put on glasses to jerk off. Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

I don't know if we should create more... Technology is just going so the way of, like, just catering to people who never leave their apartments. And those people are the people, when they leave their apartments, they go like that porn star and just slaughter everybody they see because they have no idea how human beings should exist with another. And a massive samurai sword collection. Or rape. Or rape. I will say, I mean, you know, they always have that argument where it's like porno actually, you know, stops rape because they just sit in their apartments their whole lives and

just jack off to whatever they wanted to see, which is actually a pedophile argument. My brother, sociology master's degree wrote a, uh, his entire thesis, which was kind of fascinating on a, how a child pornography might actually benefit society because then it will

keep a child, uh, you know, predators off the streets and they'll be satisfied with, with what they have at home. Yeah. You know, which someone's got to be acting in those movies though. So that's the thing. Yeah. keep child predators off the streets and they'll be satisfied with what they have at home. Someone's got to be acting in those movies, though. Yeah, that's the thing.

We've got to buy them overseas. To bring it back to the Japanese, they consume the most porn per capita of any other country and have an extremely low rape rate. But they also have no women. Isn't it like... No, that's China. That's China that has no women.

Is Japan more... Women are just as strong as the men in Japan, though. Yeah. Yeah. Not much different. Possibly stronger. They didn't all die in that terrible war we had. WW2.

Oh, yeah. WW2. We fucking won the shit out of that. Oh, yeah. Oh! Yeah, man. Finally, we got one. Corrupted with radiation and shit, dude. That's a victory. Oh, yeah. Oh! Yeah, man. Finally, we got one. Corrupted with radiation

and shit, dude. That's a victory. Oh, man. You hear about in Hiroshima, the shadows that are burnt into the walls

from the atomic shadows of people like this? Yeah. I would love to see that. What is that? The man who wore plaid, right?

Steve Martin's DVD cover? Yeah. It just reminds me of that. Yeah, that's insane. How do you burn a shadow into a wall? That's the man who wore plaid, right? Steve Martin's DVD cover. It just reminds me of that. Yeah, that's insane. How do you burn a shadow into a wall? Forever. That's crazy, man. It's insane.

What happens is when they're standing in front of the wall, the bomb comes through and disintegrates their bodies, takes those particles with the blast, and fucking slaps it on the hardest surface it finds. So there's souls. Like concrete. And it's so fast that it captures their entire energy.

So is that where their souls are forever? Like fucking Pinhead and Hellraiser in the beginning of every Pinhead he's always stuck in a statue, stuck in a wall, something like that and it needs blood to get out. It's like,

is that where they forever reside? Just in that wall just trying to get out? It's like, oh, that's a terrible, terrible, it's like window shopping for humanity. You can just never go to it, though. You just see everything go by. I would never go to Hiroshima.

It's so insane. It's like, imagine that those people had no idea what was going on either. They were just, you know, I'm going to go to the grocery store today to pick up some broccoli. They just were playing an entirely different game. They had to be you know, I'm going to go to the grocery store today to pick up some broccoli. They just were playing an entirely different game. They had to be getting broccoli and all these broccoli.

That's what I thought of, man. Do you go to the grocery store to pick up broccoli from time to time? Occasionally. I've done this, man. Sometimes you need some broccoli. I have woken up some days and just been like, I need some fucking broccoli. Broccoli and nothing else. Get that vitamin K, son. Yeah.

Try to make sure my blood clot's right. Oh, I have a blood clot. Do you have a blood clot? No. I do. But Ben has intense blood clots on his son. My right leg is like a shotgun aimed right at my heart. It could die at any second.

You got to take it out, man. Snip, snip, bro. My right leg? No, you can't take out a blood clot. I mean, you just got to try to thin your blood. That's why I drink so much, you know? It is what it is. Those are...

I'm going to die. If I just die from a blood clot, I'll be such a... I'll be a shitty ghost. Yeah. I'll be the worst. I've got blood clots. Blood clots.

Boring. Everyone's like, come on, I'm trying to sleep. It's so boring. I'm falling asleep. They're sleeping better. It's so terribly boring. You'll be in people's houses drinking up their water and eating their multi-vitamins.

Are you going to have this cheese? Are you going to eat this cheese? It's like, ghost, come on. I just want to go to sleep. Fine, have the cheese. We just can't keep pretzels in the house. We have no idea what's going on. I think it's a poltergeist.

That would be nice, though. Just breathe on them real hard. Make ceiling fan noises. I'll just put everybody right to bed. I know, right? Yeah, I'm just like, oh, it's a poltergeist. That would be nice, though. Just breathe on them real hard. Make ceiling fan noises. I'll just put everybody right to bed. I know, right? Yeah, I'm just like, oh, it's like, yeah, getting shoulder massages. But I always get my cigarette taken away from me for a couple of drags. Well, I'm saving lives, man. I'm saving lives.

Yeah, you're taking it all in to yourself. Absolutely. I'm breathing in myself. That's beautiful, man. Smoke. Babies are beautiful. Everything's beautiful, man. Like, go in for that ass. You put him to bed

and go eat that ass. Oh, good ghost. Greg, God, wait. I just read this story where the army misplaced hundreds of bodies at Arlington Cemetery. The bodies aren't what the graves say they are. Are there bodies

in the ground, though? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Are there bodies in the ground though? Yeah, oh, there are bodies. That's what I'm saying. Is there a body there? Yeah, I think it's a wildebeest or something. Maybe a coyote. Is it bones? Bones are fine. I don't know why we have this fascination. I take the, you know, when you go on the JMZ, you go over to Queens,

you see that huge cemetery and it's just acres and acres of lands dedicated to nothing. Which is a brilliant business idea, by the way. You don't have to do shit. You just get paid to store dead people. You don't have to, and it's just acres and acres of lands dedicated to nothing, which is a brilliant business idea, by the way. You don't have to do shit. You just get paid to store dead people. You don't have to have upkeep. You cut the grass. Yeah, that's it.

Trim the trees. Trim the trees. Cut the grass. That's fine. I'm saying the dead people aren't complaining about cockroaches or a drippy faucet. But their live children are. Those guys are assholes. Yeah, I suppose so.

I feel like we should just get rid of all of these huge cemeteries, though, and start building something on them that actually matters. I mean, granted, those institutions will be... Did you learn nothing to be poltergeist? Yeah. That's fine. You don't fucking bury on top of bodies. I'm building on a body. Oh, man.

Look at fucking Ground Zero. We haven't been able to build there because every time they find a sign of somebody,'re like, oh, we need it. Why do you think that we haven't been able to build a ground zero? It's fucking ghost central. Freedom Tower? Those people are for America. Anyone who died except for the 12. There'll be 12 angry ghosts. The people who blew that

fucking place up. It's like that John Lennon movie. Exactly. Jack Lemmon. Jack Lemmon. Well, John Lennon. Nonetheless, I wonder what he's like. Oh, man. Just go down and hang out by Central Park, man. Yeah, there's that tunnel. I've seen Jack Lemmon. Jack Lemmon. Well, John Lennon. Nonetheless, I wonder what he's like. Oh, man. I'll just go down and hang out by Central Park, man. Yeah, there's that tunnel. I've seen the tunnel where he got shot down and murdered.

Yeah. By a man named Holden. I just think we need to stop caring so much about the bones of our past ancestors. I bet he curses a lot. John Lennon? Oh, yeah. He was a very pompous young man. Get a mouth on him, man. I don't know.

That's the problem. We should build on ground zero. We should build on cemeteries. We've got to get things done here. We've got to have progress. I mean, you're like a total monster and all that. No, I mean, okay, so what joy is there in like, oh, wow, that piece of rock represents my father? I don't think so.

I think cemeteries are beautiful. They are beautiful. I don't like that they exist. Whenever I was in high school, I tried to get a job as the groundskeeper for the local cemetery. You kept on digging up all the dead or the whores and having sex with them. I already had the job. You know what? I think I have the perfect medium for this.

You build on them. You just bury the bodies on the roof. You have the graveyard on the roof. There you go. That's cool. Bing, bang, boom. Done. I mean, or you could just try.

I don't know what you could build. Maybe it would be a good kindergarten or something over them. Yeah. You need to have the most brilliant light, the most beautiful things on the planet, to just counteract the fact that those people died probably horrible deaths in some sort of terrible Chevrolet accident or something like that. Well, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, man.

We're Ouija boarding this thing. We're going to have an update hopefully next week. Absolutely. I'm going to be there, man. You're coming? I'm going. Eddie, are you going to be at the seance? No, I'm going to have hernia surgery.

All right. Well, Eddie's going to be a ghost after next week. The operation went terribly wrong, and it's very, very sad to inform you. If you're a ghost, Eddie, you can come hang out over here. I'm not going to hang out. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Kevin Barnett, Holden McNeely, Ed Larson, Cupcake, I'm Ben

Kissel. A good eve. Jackie Zabrowski. Jackie Zabrowski.