The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 203: Funny Mummy Room

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a woman sprays a child in the face with poisonous weed killer, a drunk man takes a harrowing ride on a tractor, and a bear falls through a skylight on a quest for cupcakes. Joining us today: Amber Nelson, Jeff Darland, and Matteo Lane!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Civility. I love it. I just, I draw some fucking ass. gentlemen. Always civility. You're with this now. I just, I dropped some fucking ass. Alright, great. Okay, let's all have silence. Silence. And then Jackie can pray. Jackie can pray whenever the fuck she wants to pray. Well, you gotta pray with silence, though, so the person who prays

gets heard. Well, then open the beer. Let me open my beer and let me fucking settle. That's her sign of the cross is opening a beer. It's hard. We'll open the beer. Let me open my beer and let me fucking settle. That's her sign of the cross is opening a beer. It sounds like it. All right, so now you got your beer open.

Pray. Oh, dear God, please make Ben Kissel not so mean today. He made me frown the second I walked in because I had a really funny puppy card I wanted him to look at

and he wouldn't even look at it. But you know what, God? Thank you for giving me the positivity to get through my day. I love you, Jackie. I love you, too, Jackie. I love all you guys. That's really the brighter side of this whole podcast. This was a pair to God?

Don't fuck your fucking show, Eddie, on another goddamn show. Thank you, God, will you listen to what he's fucking saying right now? He has a very nice haircut, and he's being very sour, and he's drinking a pink drink, and that's nice. You know what, man? Yeah, for pride. It's for pride. Have a great day. haircut, and he's being very sour, and he's drinking a pink drink. And that's nice. You know what, mate? Yeah, for pride. It's for pride. Have a great day.

No, it's for bed. I thought the gay was here for pride. Gay is here for pride. Yeah, why are you here? You should have said no. I mean, it's real stressful to go to that parade zone. Amen. Amen.

I'm done. Thank you. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. That is Jackie Zabrowski. And then who else is here? It's just so curt. I'm Ed Larson, and I'm looking on the brighter side of Ben Kissel, and I think that he's fine.

If you plug your other show, the brighter side. I think everything's good about you, Ben, and I'm so happy that you're smiling. Thank you, Ed, and thank you so much for thanking me for helping you move. Okay. Tornadoes, ho! I hate it. Aw, they used to call me Joe.

What's up, boys and girls? Loving my fans and loving my love. Been getting happy cards from a lot of people recently. How is your fan? I got a couple of happy birthday cards, some late happy birthday cards from my fans. Your birthday's in December. I know. They gave me late ones.

And it's been really nice to hear from all of you. Some late happy birthday cards for my fans. Your birthday's in December. I know. They gave me late ones. And it's been really nice to hear from all of you. They gave you birthday cards from last December. They sent me wristbands. Those old ones from the 80s. I've got a couple of skateboards with designs on them and shit. It's been really fucking sweet. So thank you to all my Holdenators out there.

And you're welcome. Slap braces are great for wrapping hamsters in. Yeah. Yeah, for hitting your dick. Tie a bunch of them together and just choke holding to death with them. That'd be great. Oh, good. That's fine.

It's just the falls. It's impenetrable. People can't see my face. I'm going through the motions. I like it, man. I know. I like it, dude. You look powerful. Hell yeah.

Kevin Barnett is here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. You look powerful. Hell yeah. Kevin Barnett is here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. I'm here. We're looking at the brighter side of Monday morning or Monday evening. Whenever you listen to it. Whenever you listen to Ed Larson from the brighter side. Yeah, make sure to do it. I'm feeling great today.

How about you? Amber's here. How you doing? I am. Hello. Hello, everyone. Oh, it's a singing cast. Pride.

I just got to say, I moved Ed into his pussy palace today. Oh, man. Muff Palace. Please. To see the walls, dude. In front of the children. Oh, my God, dude. It's in a basement.

It's next to a dumpster, and it's gated in by barbed wire fence. It sounds like pussy. That is the scariest death trap for women. Absolutely. It's going to be tough for you to drag those chicks into that place. No, it's just going to be tough for them to get out. They're already dead by the time they get out. That's the whole thing, but the barbed wire cuts up their...

If I'm going to get hard, they better be dead. Corpse, yeah. All right, so Amber Nelson is also here. She's from the Brighter Side podcast, which a bunch of people listen to. And then we got Mateo Lane. Hello. It was his golden birthday yesterday.

It was, and it's pride and the death of Judy Garland. I'm a faggot. Judy Garland died today? Judy Garland died and Stonewall Riots and my birthday and Pride. Nice. I share a birthday with Mario Lemieux, so. I got Edgar Allan Poe.

Really? I have Napoleon. Ooh. Hey, I don't know who shares a birthday with me because I ain't a fucking dork, man. What? Look that shit up. I share a birthday. Okay, so I feel like, you know, maybe brought it down a little bit, but that's fine.

I share a birthday with Mount Everest. I share a birthday with the Earth. With Moon Mother. December 25th? Yeah. 28th, actually. That's December 25th is Christmas. Oh, yes.

Keep on going with it. And who else shares a birthday with something? Tom Cruise. But also, I was born in Saudi Arabia. I was supposed to be born on the 4th, like a real fucking American. But the doctor said it's his day off, so he induced labor. They also take off the 4th. Good for him.

How do you induce labor? How do you keep labor from happening? You pump the juices in and it makes your pussy go pop. Yeah, but he's blowing her mouth real hard. What juices are you putting in to make that happen? Mateo, when did you know you could sing so gay? Pretty early on. Yeah.

I used to come home from preschool and sing to the birds. Really? Like Sleeping Beauty did. Yeah. Like, what would you sing? We had like a giant tree in my backyard and I'd walk around and be like... Every day. That's the word. How do we feel about that? What would you sing? We had like a giant tree in my backyard, and I'd walk around and be like. Every day.

That's the word. How do we feel about that? I mean, I think it's beautiful and inspiring. I mean, you know, my parents and neighbors did not feel the same way, so it's nice that you do. Well, yeah. It's tough to keep the windows from breaking. Yeah. Beautiful voice, though.

Thanks. Did you ever ever sing professionally? Yeah, I sang opera. I studied for a long time, so I sang opera. I want to say that's Kevin Barnett's first question as an interviewer. It was great. Did you ever sing in school? Did anybody else sing or just Amber and I?

No, just you and Amber. Yeah, none of us gave it a shot. Yeah, I sing. just Amber and I? Just you and Amber. None of us gave it a shot. I sing. I sing and I dance. I love how Holden's the lead singer of a band and we're like, no, no one else sings. Who's the talk singer? I like to spin a tune

when the time is right. Timing is everything when it comes to singing tunes. That is the lead singer by default because Marcus obviously can only hit things. That's good. I'm a drummer. Mateo, can you sing a nice little song about how fat Ed is? Oh, Ed, I'm so sorry.

But I'm supposed to sing about how fat you are. And I'm gay. sing about how bad you are And I'm gay Wow. All right. Hell yeah. All right. You got him to smile. Did you go to the gay parade today? No, I didn't.

I woke up late and I went and got brunch, which is gay in and of itself. Why are these gay parades so damn early? They're so goddamn stressful. It doesn't make any sense. And I also didn't know these 13-year-olds go out, there was so much fucking confidence. I'm like,

how do you have so, how are you in tassels and a Speedo when you're 13? Like, I barely have that much confidence now. You know what I mean? It's fucked up. Very stressful.

I think, I wish they had like a lesbian parade because I'd go to that. Are you against the gay parade? No, not against it at all. Lesbian parade would probably be wonderful. Man,

that would be awesome. I just feel like, hot rods and monster trucks and shit. That's the St. Patrick's Day parade. It would literally be at Home Depot, and they'd be like, Wood's on sale. This is stereotyping, by the way. The gay pride parade also consists of a lot of lesbians.

I feel like pride parade is always like 18-year-olds with abs and sexy, and that's like every poster. I'm like, when are we going to have two middle-aged men paying their mortgage on time? Do you think it's pedophilic you think the gay pride parade's pedophilic uh like with children yeah too many kids 18 year old is not a child no 13 year olds that's what you said well yeah but they're just like i'm gay and you're like just go home and relax and get beat up and deal with it till you're 18 you know i agree all right i want the lesbian

pride parade just them invading iraq just these giant Megalodon women. We were talking about that. You know what's really funny about pride is I'm from Chicago, and they have what's called dykes on bikes. So it's big diesel dykes, like a douche with Drano kind of dyke on a bike. Motorcycle or motorcycle? I just want to go back real quick. Douche with Drano. Yeah, tough.

Which is a liquid plumber. Real tough. Yeah, Real tough. There was like 20 of them on motorcycles and they're revving their engines and everyone was kind of clapping and then one 7 foot tall black drag queen walked through and everyone was like, it takes one drag queen to suck away

all the energy from 20 lesbians. I love drag queens. One drag queen equals 20 lesbians. So if you're playing cards and you've got 20 lesbians, play the drag queen. You guys have no one here who's ever been to Pride? Oh, I've been to Pride many, many times. I was in the Pride once. You've been to Pride?

I've never been. I've always wanted to go, but I didn't know it was today. I mean, it's literally a train stop away. We have a long-standing theory here that Kevin is gay, and it's just been proven once again. You have always wanted to go to Pride. Yeah, I go to brunch all the time. He said brunch is pretty gay and I'm there eating MX Maddox.

No, I just always like whenever I'm never aware of the day that it's coming. I didn't know it was today. Every time I go to Pride I just end up there. I was like, oh shit, look at this. I've always seen pictures and I'm like, now I want to go to that. It's wild, man.

Firemen, policemen dancing in the street together waving their rainbows. It's wonderful. It just seems crazy, man. I want to go. Plus, it's a bunch of hot ass dudes. You can go to a gay bar on a Friday night and see the same thing. I know, but when it's in the street, it's so much more fun. Yeah.

Chaos. Oh, Kevin is gay. I went to Pride in San Francisco last year with my 90-year-old uncle. That was a lot of fun. Oh, with the jury. And that's San Francisco, Seattle. Your 90-year-old uncle? Yeah, we brought him.

Is he? Oh, why? Is he gay? No, no, no. Do you want to kill him? He's 90. A gust of wind could kill him. He was great, though.

He kept taking pictures of lesbians. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And they're like, don't take my picture. Sorry, what were you saying? God, I like that deep voice of yours. Yeah. You got range, dude. Yeah. And they're like, don't take my picture. Sorry, what were you saying? Kind of like that deep voice of yours. Yeah.

You got range, dude. Yeah. I can tell you that right now. Wow. You are very talented. That's great. All right, Gary. And of course...

Can you play the harp? No. I think someone that could play a harp is a very good person. Yeah. What gay people are? They're good people. Not all of them.

Not all of them. Not all of them. Well, I've heard that before. All right, Marcus. What's the news? You're having a day. JJ Garland. Okay. Okay.

Icky. Icky. Icky. I'm sorry. I was in a bad mood before the show started because everybody was very mean to me earlier today in my head. Jeff Garland is here. I have been nothing but nice to you from the moment I've seen you today.

Marcus Parks, you're going through a lot of problems and a lot of strife and a lot of turmoil. He seems great. He seems better than you. You're fine. We know you're fine. You know what? Marcus is looking at the brighter side. If the brighter side Is mentioned one more time

Side of your life You know what Actually I like the brighter side You know why Holden's not on it Oh I love that I'm looking at the brighter side It's just mean

And the listeners hear it You did our outcast episode Yeah Holden did your outcast episode Yeah it was awesome Don't you have to be cast initially What Thursdays on Cave Comedy Radio Did your outcast episode? Yeah, it was awesome. Did you have to be cast initially? What?

Thursdays on Cave Comedy Radio. All right. Jeff Darland, and you're a producer of a lot of commercials. Yeah, thank you very much. I'm very happy for you guys. Jeff used to be a murder fist. Jeff used to be in college. He's wearing a Florida State hat. I get it.

I understand all of it. That's great, Jeff. And thank you so much for being here. I'm sure you're going to add a lot to the show I'm happy to be here Yikes But that was nice That was nice

I don't think it was It was a little snippy No it was not I think it was schnicky It was schnicky I don't know Jackie said it And I rolled with the schnippy It's a schnicky

It's a little bit bold Schnicky It was schnippy First of all We haven't gone to a new It is my job To get to a news story And you Neanderthals

You're not doing a good job I moved today I feel like that's in the news of Ed Yeah I moved Ed into his pussy pal It was great you helped me move I appreciate it Ben Thank you Ed Jeff helped me move Why don't we

discuss it? I got my own spot. I got my own place. Long Island City. 25 minute walk from here. It's in a basement next to a dumpster. We were sitting drinking brews. Oh, you were sitting and drinking brews? I was moving, Ed. You drank brews at my house. I stole them.

I stole them. I was not giving them. I stole them, which is not on you. That is on me. So you did drink the Brewster. Again, because I made a choice and I made a decision. I gave myself the thing that I wanted to give myself. You're just like Veruca Salt. Leave her alone.

Leave Veruca alone. Leave her alone. All right. It doesn't matter. Marcus, there's a new story. Although, you know what? I don't even want to get to it. Mateo, just sing about how ugly Holden is real quick.

Or maybe the Veruca Salt song, either one. Wait, what was it? What was the song she sang? I want the world. Oh, yeah. I want a party. I don't know. You sing it.

I want the world. I want a party. I'm a bitch with a tiny cunt and I smile at no one. You know what? Let's just redo it. I've got a golden ticket. I've got a golden smile. I've got a golden ticket for a really long while.

You bitches. Wow. Wow. I'll tell you one thing Marcus You hitched your drum wagon To the perfect voice machine I really did I love his voice Oh yeah it's great

Of course you love horror That's good Alright let's just do a news story Alright And we're two weeks in a row Bear news Hey Yes You're blowing and sucking Gay bears Oh All right, let's just do a news story. Hey, and we're two weeks in a row, bear news. Hey!

We're blowing and sucking? Gay bears? Oh. No, they were blowing each other last week. Yeah, last week was gay bears. Yeah, real bears are blowing each other now. I feel like... All right. No, what do you feel like your tail?

A lot of gay jokes. Wait, what's the bear news this week? A young bear fell through an Alaska couple's skylight while they were preparing to celebrate their child's birthday, sending the human scurrying out of the room while he feasted on cupcakes. You're about to blow out a bunch of candles and a bear falls through the skylight? It reminds me of Michael Douglas from the end of the game. Remember that terrible movie, The Game, where he falls through the skylight?

But this bear got much luckier than he. It wasn't a surprise birthday party. It was a bunch of cupcakes. The article, the fact that a dude said, sending the humans scurrying out of the room. It was written by a reptilian. How did this even get written up

about? Like, was someone running out like, call TMZ, go! Like, no, save your life. This is Alaska. Not a whole lot going on. Oh, yeah. That's the only thing that's happened there. The audacity of this bear, though, to climb on this roof, get all the way up there and then, of course, it falls. There was a tsunami in Alaska

this week. Oh, yeah. It literally targeted a town of 300. It was 150. So nobody cares. Yeah, they were like, alright, we're getting everyone out of there and everyone's out. Everyone's gone. Yeah, they were like, all right, we're getting everyone out of there, and everyone's out. Everyone's gone. Yeah, we took one school bus, and then, yeah, nobody cares. Actually, you know, you're talking about bears running around.

Ryan Scott of the Alaska Department of Fish and Game said, there probably isn't a neighborhood or place where we have homes where the potential isn't there for you to run into a bear or observe a bear. Then get out of Alaska. Yeah. Too many bears. Speaking of bears, Matteo, do you like a nice bear? Oh, gay bears. No. No.

You look a skinny fella. You look like this Rinaldo guy who's playing in this World Cup event. Yeah. Oh, you have a problem with his face. I hate his face. He looks like he fucking just murdered somebody. Is that the guy who headbutted somebody? No. He bites somebody.

Is that the French guy? No, you're Gwaine. Yeah, he bites. They all have the same name. The guy who bit the Italian soccer. Exactly. Yeah, I'm not making this shit up. People bite.

Is biting like flopping now? Is that the new flopping in soccer? You can't bite in soccer, though. Exactly. That's why they get a yellow card. Don't they call him the cannibal or something, too? The cannibal. What's flopping?

Flopping's when you pretend your knee hurt when nothing happened. Oh, Italians? The whole Italians? Yeah, yeah. When they just jump, dive onto the ground

holding their knee when nothing happened to them. And then the ref gives the yellow card to the team. Yeah, and you know who doesn't fucking do that? The American team. Fuck yeah, the American team.

And nor do... And we're losing, right? No, do that. I like that. Jesus Christ. Why are you so talented? Because I'm lonely. I'll tell you, that's phenomenal.

And Kevin, how hard are you when you hear Mateo sing? Oh, man, I've been popping. My clit is rock hard. So was it a baby bear that fell through? It was a baby bear. So the mama bear did not pursue, because usually it's more dangerous when you see a baby bear, because the mama's going to come and fucking make you lick her pussy.

That is no way. I do not think mama bears come and make you lick their pussy if you steal their cub. I think they murdered you, don't they? You put a fucking gun to that bear's head. It's the exact same thing. Well, the homeowner told the paper he fled into an adjoining room and closed the door behind him

and Bishop said the animal feasted on her infant son's birthday cupcakes. What a ferocious bear. I will say this is a bad mother. Unfortunately, this is a bad mother. I've been to bear parties where the exact same thing happens. Yeah, of course.

They eat all the fucking cupcakes, and that's why they were a bear. To me, I'm like, why didn't that bear just use the front door like every other goddamn overweight gay? Just use the front door, you piece of shit. That's what makes sex. God, I hate bears. You know they have an app for bears called Growler? Oh, yeah. It's like Grindr, but it's called Growler.

They have Growler, Scruff,, grinder, jack to Adam for Adam. Whoa. Man hunt. But wait, you can go on growler as like a twink and find yourself a bear. Yeah, but you're like, hey, buddy, not fitting the profile here. Really? It's bear for bear. It's only bear for bear.

Yeah. My friend John's on. He's obsessed. And they're all like obsessed with how fat they look and how big they look. And it's like, oh, man, look at his fat on his neck. And he's so fat. I'm like like what's wrong with you you know. But saying like fat in the neck like that's an attractive thing like that's what they love.

Like for example Eddie. Some people like a fat guy. If you walked into a bear bar they'd be like. They'd go crazy. They're specifically bear bars. Yeah oh yeah. Kevin what's your favorite one? The honey pot. Have you guys ever been to yeah. Kevin, what's your favorite one?

The honey pot. Have you guys ever been to the... Obviously, the answer's going to be no. Maybe you, yes. I've been to a lot of bars. Have you been to the cock? Any fried chicken joint is a bear bar. I will say this. It's funny you mention the cock.

Of course, you know Mateo. I have two Gilded Brothers. And of course, I've been to the cock multiple times. Have you really? And I've been there after hours. There's like an... And I've been there at 4.30 in the morning. And I will say, I felt like I sinned and I went to hell.

Because it was, it's all red lights. And they stopped serving booze. And all there was, was men. Blowing men all around me. And the whole time I said, why don't I enjoy this? And then I said, why isn't I enjoy this? And then I said, why isn't there booze? And then you know what I did?

I fucking stole some goddamn whiskey from the bar. The best part about the cocktail, I went one time and there's the bouncer, like the door person is a little Irish woman in her early hundreds

and she greets you. She's like, oh, tati, tatar, you gotta have a good time. Latte, have a fun time. Then you walk in and people are literally blowing each other. Get someone else at the front door because she should be working at like F.A.O. Schwartz. Right, right. Well, unfortunately

the bear was killed. Oh! What? But this is what I'm saying. Grenade? Bad mother. Bad mother because you gotta make a cake. You don't do the cupcakes for a birthday. It's a one-year-old's birthday. You gift the cake. Wait, you're right.

This is the first problem. Why is a one-year-old having a birthday? They shouldn't have birthdays. Don't even worry. Don't have birthdays before you request a birthday. This is the... Eddie, can you back me up? Stop shitting your pants.

Mateo, can you back me up? No birthday until you request a birthday. No birthday at all. Fuck birthdays are vain. No, yeah. You have to wait until you... I want to wait until you fucking beg

for a birthday. That's when you deserve a fucking birthday. Exactly. You know what birthday I like? Jesus' birthday. What? Christmas.

You know whose birthday I like? Who? Fucking America. Hell yeah. July 4th, baby. July 4th, they were throwing down. At the hook.

Suck some pussies. Yay. Fireworks, yeah. July 4th, baby. July 4th, they were throwing down. Yeah. Get the hook off. Suck some pussies. Yay. Fireworks, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kissel looks like he's in the cock right now. Mateo and Amber,

you guys are just wonderful and I'm so happy that you're here. Because we're the only gay men here. Now, are skinny gay guys dolphins? I'm an otter

and then skinnier than me, like blonde on coke is like a twink. I think dolphins would be a good one. There's cubs, bears, otters, wolves, daddies, jocks. A real slippery one should be a dolphin. Bear, a dolphin, or a jock falling through your roof? A jock? What do you want? Yeah daddies, jocks. A real slippery one should be a dolphin. All right, so you're going to bear a dolphin or a jock falling through your roof. A jock?

What do you want? Yeah, like a jock. Like, yeah, man. Like, they put on, like, grinders. They always put, like, mask guy looking for masks. No Asians. And it's like, do you even know what mask looking for mask means? I have no idea.

It's like, masculine guy looking for mask guy. And I'll be like, yeah, how masculine are you? You're going to have a thumb up your butt. You know? Not that masculine. Very masculine. Really? Oh, absolutely.

Can we talk about why this baby masculine. Really? Oh, absolutely. Can we talk about why this baby bear was killed? Well, I mean, he ate all the cupcakes. It was killed because they... They were tested hammers. They were not tested. They thought that this was the same bear that had broken into another house earlier that week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bear.

And I've got double bear news that week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bear. And I've got double bear news this week. A zoo in Switzerland is the latest to be embroiled in controversy after it not only killed a healthy bear cub, but will now stuff and display it to teach children that, quote, nature can be cruel. Well, now they can pet it.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, it sounds like, man, Eddie's really looking on the brighter side On this show If I hear the words Brighter side Which is a show On Dave Comedy Radio

I am Ed I would love for you To be the tour guide By the stuffed bear You know just talking To the visitors You can fucking touch it Yeah yeah yeah

Touch it Maybe that's their employees too Yeah Just all of a sudden Like you come back And Jim's like frozen At the front. Go ahead, touch him.

We don't know. This is why animals will rise above us and always murder us. That's word of God. I'm going to be taken out by a pack of wolves. I just know it. I'm getting hit by a bus. Yeah, I believe that. And all of a sudden, it's like...

Yeah, what do you think? What does it take? You put a bunch of tuna in your pussy? I mean, what happens? I Yeah, what do you think? What does it take? You put a bunch of tuna in your pussy? I mean, what happens? I mean, wolves, you just got to be by them. Yeah? They'll rip you up. None of us know what we're talking about.

Jackie, what do you think? I know what we're talking about. I know I'm scared of fucking wolves. Well, of course. No person here has even seen a wolf. I saw a wolf once. The closest thing we've seen a wolf is a French bulldog being walked by an old Jew. I saw three pigs. Three pigs? thing we've seen a wolf is a French bulldog being walked by an old Jew. I saw three pigs.

Three pigs? Three pigs in Williamsburg being walked. Right next to each other? No. It's not a wolf. I saw three pigs being walked the other day. He saw three pigs in separate incidents being walked yesterday. Pigs are in in Williamsburg.

I was trying to get Tim a pig for his wedding. No one wanted to go in on it. Yeah, you should have shot the pigs. They're like repeat offenders. Yeah, man. Like the fucking bears. Fucking eat those pigs. Yeah.

A pig falling through your ceiling. That's kind of cute. Oh, my God. He split his throat and hang it upside down and wait for the fucking delicious meat. If you could kill one animal, what would it be? The ostrich. You know what, Mateo? You're not wrong.

Get rid of all of them. Any sort of winged animal that doesn't fly needs to be dead. What about chickens? Get rid of those dumb animals. Have you seen an ostrich? A giant body, a long, skinny neck with eyelashes, digs its head into the ground and can't fly. What are you doing? Not for food.

If you're going to kill it, you can't kill it for food. So it's just pure hate. Just gone. I want it to be gone. I kill a hyena for hate. I hate hyenas. What do you think, Kevin? About killing an ostrich?

Yeah, what's the animal you want to kill the most? The animal I want to kill the most. You're an animal lover. I'm the A-list man. I'm not a violent person. No, you're not. You're a very nice man. There's a true story.

There's an ostrich farm in the south. There's hundreds of ostriches. And apparently an air balloon had an emergency landing near the ostrich farm. And the ostriches thought it was a predator. So all of them flocked towards the fence. And they all piled up and all died. Oh, my God. Kill those animals.

So the farmer woke up the next morning. It was just a pile of 500 dead ostriches. Oh, my God. Kill those animals. The farmer woke up the next morning. It was just a pile of like 500 dead ostriches. Yeah, kill those. Well, get the shovel. I agree now. He won me over ostriches. Yeah, absolutely. The cassowary is also terrible.

The cassowary is a cousin of the ostrich, but it's extremely aggressive and will attack humans on sight. Kevin, I'm sure you know about the cassowary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That whole family of animals is fascinating. Kevin, I'm sure you know about the cassowary. Yeah. That whole family of animals is fascinating. Yeah, the emu. What's fascinating about it?

I mean, no. They're basically like, they're like dinosaurs, man, but like today. Right. But worse, like devolved versions. Not scary and have feathers

and weird necks. I would agree. They're more evolved, right? They're survived. Is turkey in there? Turkey's not in there. They're more evolved, right? They're survived. Is turkey in there? Turkey's not in there. They're not lumped up with them? What about giraffe?

What about giraffe? Giraffe is also fascinating. It's a mammal. It's a total... Giraffe is a mammal? It's a mammal? Mateo, you ever been pissed on? Have I been pissed on?

Yeah. Are you just asking me that because I'm gay and gay people? No, we were talking about it last week. No, and also he asks every guest that. Absolutely not. No, but you ever pissed on a dude, huh? No. In what world would I think it's necessary to pee?

He does it all the time. We don't do it. I don't like it. No, I've never had sex in my life. He absolutely has pee. No, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've never had it. He has pee that he doesn't.

No, no, I never have. He doesn't have it. He likes to wash his butt. No, I don't. He'll have a pee in a bowl No, no, I never have. He doesn't have heat. He likes to wash his feet, too. He'll have him pee in a bowl across the room. I'm just curious. Take it easy. I'm just curious why, though. Oh, my goodness.

What's that? Why? Why do you pee on people? Well, you would be asking a person who would want to watch such a thing. I trust Jackie, though. She just told me you do. Oh, Jackie's a woman. You can't trust her.

That is also true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's fine. All right. Well, just got That is also true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's fine. All right, well, just got that out of the way. All right, Marcus. So the bear fell down and now he's fine. Yeah, no, he's dead. All the bears are dead.

Let's move on to another story. Let's move on to a border story. A what? A border story. What's that mean? A border. The United States- Mexico border.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mexico lost like fucking shit today. The whole Mexican team is very disappointed. Not good looking. Well, they're not. But you're... We talked about the World Cup and you only

gauge it by attractive. Italy and Portugal are real good. I'm a quarter Mexican. I was really disappointed with the look of the team. I was like, yeah, we could get a little better looking Mexican. I was really disappointed with the look of the team. I was like, yeah, we could get a little better looking guys. We got Mohawks, all of them. Yeah, and like a little weird face.

But, you know. Portugal, real good looking. So much of it is about the looks. And many of the ladies soccer fans I've talked to recently, they go for their main team. And if that main team gets knocked out, they go for the team with the most attractive men. Yeah, why not? What else? They don't fucking care about where the ball goes.

It's all garbage. Yeah, but we can all stop. If we all stop paying attention to it, it'll go away. America should just not be a part of it. I want to cheer for the United States. I was rooting for Mexico. You were rooting for America? Yeah. If Mexico would have played America in the finals, I would have rooted for Mexico.

They got better weed. Traitor. They have bad weed. Traitor and the traitor. I'm not a traitor. I just want to fucking. I like that. I think they need something.

I think they need a little extra help. Mexico? Mexico needs a little juju, bro. They got all the juju. Man, I don't know. Those Mexicans I work with, they'd be so happy. Yeah. They're never happy. Think about yourself, though. We got so much over don't know. Those Mexicans I work with, they'd be so happy. Yeah. They're never happy.

Think about yourself, though. We got so much over here, man. What do we got? We got everything. Football, basketball, baseball. Who gives a fuck about what they got? That's Canadian. Yeah, we got video games.

Our cars have wheels on them. Fucking groovies. Cars. Cars. In general. All right, well, let's all just say one thing that's better about Mexico than the United States. I will say... Donkeys are cooler.

Yeah. Donkeys, okay. Pesos. Pesos. Pesos are not cooler than dollars. No, they are worse than the dollars. Tacos are better. Tacos, we have that in America.

They got cool hats, man. Cooler hats. Big ass. I like to say what Mexico has, vengeance. Yeah. Which is if someone fucks with their family, you get to fuck with that person's family, which is kind of fun. This really feels like we're hanging out on the brighter side.

Yeah. If the show that is on Cave Comedy Radio called The Brighter Side is mentioned one more dead damn time. I'm going to freak out. I'll tell you what. You know what? It's like the first podcast on the right. Yeah.

That's a joke I would have made. So I like that. I like that. You'll make it four more times. Yeah. That's a joke you would have made. It's like the first podcast on the right. Holden's just being positive.

He's looking on the brighter side. Yep. Amber. podcast on the right. Holden's just being positive. He's looking on the brighter side. Amber, Amber. Nonetheless, Mateo, can you sing about how beautiful Jackie is real quick? Jackie,

I know every Saturday morning when I am hung over you give me a biscuit with egg and cheese and bacon and then some beach pie. I love you.

Oh, my God. I got chills. I would like to know that you said the sing a song about how beautiful Jackie was. He sung about eggs and bacon. All I have is the food that I get. That was also my favorite part of it. Jackie, I think he really likes you. I think he wants to date you.

Oh, my God. He's like my first four boyfriends. Will they, won't they, will they, won't they, they won't. All right, next story. All right. A woman. No, we talked about Mexico. It doesn't matter.

Okay. We've talked enough about Mexicans. A woman was caught trying to smuggle a pound of meth into the United States by hiding the stash in her vagina. No. A pound in her vagina. Here is a picture. Oh, my God.

It looks like a burrito. It needs something to scale on. It does look like a Chipotle burrito. It's in a condom. Yeah, it's in a condom. I would say that's probably a magnum. It's more than a magnum. It's huge.

You can definitely get it in there. There's no more than a magnum. A magnum is as big as it gets. I hope she came. Well, a federal complaint says agents noticed part of a broken condom hanging out of the 31-year-old Claudia Ibarra's pants as they patted her down at the port of entry in San Louis. It was hanging out of her pussy?

No, no, no. That's not my pussy. Don't worry. It's fine. Is she foreign? Yeah. Marcus, can you help me out? Can you look up

biggest condom out there on the market? No, it's a Magnum. I mean, I think, but they have certain extra, extra large Magnums. Super Magnums. Yeah.

They get huge. Giganto Magnums. Women can have a pound of stuff in their pockets. Yeah, you can hold a pound. Ed was like 20 pounds, right? Yeah, he was 13. 14.

Almost 15. But you weren't just in the No, I was inside of you. You're in the womb. And he gave his mother diabetes. Yeah, he cut me out of his stomach. Yeah, he gave his mother diabetes. Amber, how much weight have you had in your

pussy? Have you ever smuggled anything in there? I do think this is one of the it's sort of like the kangaroo shoe. You know, one time I was in Columbia and a man approached me and he was like, hey, do you want a free plane ticket back home? And I was like, yeah. And I smuggled two pounds of

marijuana in my pussy and a pound of meth in my stomach and then I just cut open my thighs and then sewed into them two pounds of crack on each thigh. That's nice. And then I like, I put in my hair,

you know, I got some in there. I put like, shoved some stuff in my mouth. And I walked into the security, nothing, nobody said anything because I'm a white woman, so. And then you'd be collecting pollen just like full of drugs. The largest condom available, nine and a half inches, the Durex XXL. All right.

There you go. Durex does it. Yeah. Nine and a half inches long, 2.5 inches around. You know what's funny is, I mean, if your fucking bonker is that big, you would not be listening to this show, so they won't learn it here. Well, they will. We have some big

dick listeners, Eddie. Don't be rude. We don't have one of those honkers. We do. I don't think we got a honker like that. The dudes with the biggest dicks are all kind of weird and lame and sad. They don't listen. Skinny. Yeah. They're all weird and tiny and really skinny and

soft-spoken. You have a giant dick. Yeah. Gigantical. That's why I never talk. That's why I never know. You have four podcasts. One is not the brighter side, which you can listen to here on Cave Comedy Radio, which is nobody. You've been on it twice.

Marcus, can you look up something? Is there a condom for your balls? No. No. Why would you do that? I'm going to get a ball condom. Amber, what kind of question is that? I don't know.

Maybe you don't want your balls slapping on a dirty pussy. Yeah. It's called the scrotector. What? No way. Let me see it. What? Marcus, let's see the scrotector.

Let me find a picture of it. Kevin, what's this condom you wear, by the way? KB, what's your show? All right, look. Kevin, what's your show? Here's a picture of the scrotector. It's the full thing. Oh, my God.

That's scrotex. It looks like it's going to walk away. Now, that looks like a goose. That is amazing. If you are with a man, female listeners, if you are with a man who has this scrotex condom, call in 1-800-RUN. 1-800-RUN-AWAY.

Because he's full of STDs. Full of STDs. He's like overprotective. He's nice enough to use the scrotector. If I went to a prostitute, I'd use the scrotector. Might as well. I wouldn't do it. Make her use it too.

I wouldn't do it. I feel like chicks would be insulted. Do you mind if I wrap up my... I'm paying to. I can do whatever I want. Well, no. A prostitute. If you feel the need to use one of those, you should just call it a day. Is the prostitute really going to be insulted? You know what I mean? She will be insulted.

They're real people. Is she? Really? Really. Mateo, what do you think? You get with the guy. He fucking puts on one of these full body suits for his dick. I mean, this is a red flag, right?

First, I have to hook up with a guy. It's been a very long time. Well, of course. You're a very attractive guy, and you're intimidating to a lot of people. Why so long? You been hiding? Yeah. Hiding with this outfit and my voice.

It's tough. I mean, I'm sure you're a very choosy guy, right? You're a very picky fella. If someone put that... I mean, I don't know. I feel like I have a lot of questions. I was talking to a guy on Grindr the other day, and he was like, I'm in porn. I think he thought I was going to be like, that's really hot.

But instead, I was like, how'd you get into that? Would you like it? Is it interesting? How long are your hours of work? And he was like, get away from me. Oh, it's disgusting. His cock is riddled with disease. Yeah, absolutely.

Jackie, if a man put on gloves to finger you. You mean every man I've ever fucked? Right, right, right. They would just be trying to protect their fucking skin. What if it was like big, fat snow gloves? It wouldn't be like big, yellow dish gloves, I think. Yeah, because I like the sound inside of my vagina. Just like...

And I'm like, ooh, yeah, baby, I'm dry. I'm dry. Love it. How about you, Jeff? What size condom do you wear and who do you suck? I wear the triple X. No one really knows about those. So you have a huge problem.

Chicks don't like, like, whatever, chicks don't like giant dicks. Dicks. It's like it. They don't. They don't. Oh, I lived with a guy that had a huge fucking dick. How big was it? It was big enough that he used to do dick tricks with it and he could wrap it it was like like both hands wide jackie's making a large hand motion it went all the way

around his like upper forearm like going over it and he would fuck these tiny hot girls because he was a beautiful man how How many rappers scream in pain They just would be in so much pain that they couldn't get through it. Why would they sound like? Around his wrist, I don't know. It was like up by the elbow. Was it? It was like, hey, Jackie, check this out. Check this out. Check out my... No, he did dick tricks at parties.

What? Yeah, you know when they manipulate him and he can make it like... Yeah, it was when he was puppeteering of the penis. Puppetry of the penis. Oh, that was bullshit. I watched puppeteering. I watched that entire production, and it was just so good. He was really good at it.

Yeah, he was very good at flexing his wang and pulling it out. Yeah, but it's all about the skin because his balls are so big, so you'd use the skin as different textures. To make like a nun's hat and stuff like that. Yeah, sure. You could do anything with the Eiffel Tower. This is a flying nun. So did he stay loose the entire time, like soft?

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, you got to stay soft because then the skin's going to get stretched out when it's all big and mean and hard. Just don't know how you're going to play with yourself that much and not get hard. There was a guy one time who sent me a picture of his dick and it was so big. It was, I literally wrote to him. I was like, oh, we can't meet up. I'm having an anxiety attack. Because of his donker, huh?

Like what? What was the biggest dong you've ever taken, Kevin? It was a good one. Mateo, yourself? I don't know. I haven't run into, like, somebody who's like, oh, look at that big dick.

I feel like everyone's generally of the same size. About five and a half, six inches. Better with a black fella? Yeah. And you like him? I mean, you know, I would, what?

I don't know, you like him? I don't know. I don't know. I've been with two black guys, and yeah, I like both of them. Except one of them was annoying. He was like, he kept talking about this commercial that he did. Was he into StarCraft? Does he do this podcast? No, but I love StarCraft. Okay. Oh, really?

I do, yeah. I thought it was so much fun. I like Warcraft, not before World of Warcraft. Kevin's a huge fan of Starcraft. Are you? I love Starcraft. It's great. Anyway, go on. So the guy loves Starcraft, but his donk was just too odd, huh? Yeah, he was too into himself. Oh, he was misogynistic.

Yeah, and all he did was a console. He was a misogynist, huh? No. Yes, he was too into himself. Oh, he was misogynistic. Yeah, and all he did was a commercial. He was a misogynist, huh? No. Yes, he was. They just hate women. No, misogynists love themselves. That's the definition of a misogynist. No, that's a narcissist.

Nay. What are you, a horse? Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie!

Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! I'm a boy. I jump on breakfast. And then shoot him in the head when he breaks his leg. Hey, geeky dad, make a shirt out of that. That's what I always say.

That's great, though, but you took a bunch of donks in the ass. No, I only slept with, I think, like 11 guys, 12 guys. That's it. That's a small number. And what the ass No I only I only slept with I think like Twelve Like eleven guys Twelve guys that's it That's it That's a small number And what makes you think I bought them all the time I have no idea what people do

With their lives Once again I eat popcorn You assume too much God damn You're a top fella I go both Yeah man Well you never know

What people are up to I mean sometimes It's pretty obvious. What is this? Although one time a guy was like 5'3 and like gay is the day is long. He's like, hey girl, girl. And he was like, yeah, I'm a top. I'm like, fuck off. Fuck out of here. Piece of shit.

Dumb asshole. You're 5'3. Got it. Like what makes a person decide like, you know, I would just think that everybody would do everything all the time. Yeah, I think for the most part you'll find that everyone, like, goes back and forth. Yeah, right.

But there are guys who are like, I'm only a top. You know what I mean? Like, someone's like, I'm bottom. You know? Like, my cousin, like, big bottom. Yeah. Power bottom, as they say. I don't know about power bottom.

My older brother's a power bottom. He can't get enough of this power bottom My older brother My older brother's a power bottom He can't get enough My older brother's gay too Yeah Everyone's gay You have a gay older brother I do And then you have a straight younger brother

All three of you are gay? No my cousin's gay My older brother's gay My sister's not gay Oh okay My poor parents Hot stuff Hot stuff

That's the phrase I guess so I use The hot stuff Or I just snooze Hot massages Shit Yeah Oh it's actually narcissists Hot stuff. That's the phrase. I guess so. What do you use? Hot stuff. All right, next one. Hot massage. Shit. Yeah.

Oh, it's actually narcissist. Oh, got it. Yeah, yeah. I think I just learned that lesson. A Cheboygan man was arrested after leading police on a chase while he was drunk driving a tractor. According to Cheboygan police, they received a call Tuesday evening of a shirtless man who appeared to be intoxicated driving a tractor around town.

Officers caught up with the man. They say the man was driving erratically. They activated their lights, attempting to pull him over. Police say Vial, that's his name, Joshua Vial, appeared to look back at the patrol car and continued on a side street before making a U-turn and attempting to hit the patrol car. Badass. The officer was able to avoid him. V.L. then turned around and headed back into the intersection

at East State and State Street, running the stop sign and making a U-turn in the middle of the intersection, trying to hit the patrol car a second time. An additional officer arrived to help stop the tractor. He made several attempts to hit that patrol car, eventually hitting it in the right front fender. The tractor wheel then went up on the patrol car hood,

across the hood, and tipped over in the street. Vial was thrown from the tractor and was eventually arrested. This is a picture of the man after... He did not do well. He did alright.

Hammered in the tractor. I think he did pretty good. Hammered in the tractor. I think he did great. I mean, the tractor needed to be tipped over to be stopped. Yeah. Well, tractors are hard to take down. Yeah. Damn, man.

Well, I mean, I feel like these cops, these are bad cops, right? It's not that difficult to get somebody off a tractor. Yeah. Because he came back for them. You could walk faster than a tractor. Right? Yeah. Tractors go 40 miles an hour.

Well, I just imagine in my head like the tractor going two miles an hour and the cop car is like right beside like, boop! Like... Yeah, pull over. Boop! Get out there.

I agree. Why is his face all beat up? Because he fell out of a tractor. He got through from the tractor. He's going to be like, get out. Why does he look like that other guy who has a mug shot? face all beat up. Because he got blown and he got threw from the trash. Listen to me, I'm like, I don't get it. Why does he look like that other guy

who has a mugshot? It was hot. I don't get it. I don't get it. He was ugly. I don't get it. They can't all look like the blue-eyed bandit.

Is that his name? Is that his name? That was a smokey. What did he do anyway? He was a assaulter, a serial abuser. And he finally hit his girlfriend. He hit his girlfriend?

The dick pic got revealed, by the way, too. You can Google it. He has a dick pic? Yeah, it's thick, big. Let's give it a look and let's see what condom he'd wear. He's not white. He's Hispanic. Latino.

And he's blue-eyed? Man, they're icy. But he has the face of a murderer. He does. I mean, I don't think it's a Mexican. He's Hispanic. Latino. And he's blue-eyed? Man, they're icy. But he has the face of a murderer. He does. I mean, I don't think it's that sexy. Unless he was like murdered somewhere in front of me. And that would be erotic for you. Yeah, yeah.

So if somebody murdered somebody in front of you, that's not a problem. And he looked like that. How attractive do they have to be? Jeremy Meeks. Jeremy Meeks. Jeremy Meeks. How ugly? I mean, what's the beauty of a person before they can start having a felony rap before you start fucking them? I mean, I feel like any felon can be attractive if you give them a shot.

Oh, wow. Let's see it. That's his donker? Holy Lord, Jeff, what do you think about it? It's a big dick. It's a honker, man. It's his donker? Holy Lord, Jeff. What do you think about it? It's a big dick. It's a honker, man. It's a honker.

It's a huge... Damn. Looks like a piece of mold growing off a tree. No, it looks like a fucking big juicy steak. Yeah, it looks like a nice steak. I want to put it on a grill. That would hurt it. And by grill, I mean my mouth.

Also my mouth after I put it on the grill I put some buck It was all pepper on it In front of a truck Yeah Hot stuff Hot stuff Yeah

Real hot stuff here That's great Real hot stuff Maybe we should just sing karaoke I would love it Can you sing I want to hear some Adele I'll

No Alright Can we do M want to hear some Adele? Oh no Can we do my late? I'd like it. No, I don't like is that Sam Smith? Well, it's What does he sing like and he has a deep voice everyone's like, oh my god, he's so full. He's fucking so full. He sang this song, How Will I Know, from Whitney Houston, but he slowed it down. Oh, he's got the worst haircut ever. Did anyone see that? How does that sound?

God, I want to break a chair over this guy's face. Actually, I mean, he's a good singer. This bad thumb? I don't know. What a piece of shit. But do you know Sam Smith? Sam Smith? The singer, the British guy?

He is good, but he sang Whitney Houston's How Will I Know, which he knows like, how will I know? Like really fast, you know Sam Smith? Sam Smith? The singer, the British guy. He is good, but he sang when he sings How Will I Know, which he knows like, how will I know? Like really fast, you know? Yeah. And he was just like, how will I know? It's supposed to be a dance song. Forever. I'm like, god damn it.

I think it sounds good the way you're singing it, though. It was so long. I could hold that note forever. That did sound very good. Yeah. I'm like, I think it sounds good the way you're singing it though. It's so long. I could hold that note forever. That was very impressive, yeah. Is that a shitty note or is that a good note? I don't know.

I think I held a note one time for like 40 seconds. Really? Very long time. How are you at scuba diving? I've never been. Yeah, but you've heard of it.

I scuba dive in, man. Long capacity. We're snorkeling. What if I didn't get it though and went down like singing? I was like... Just die immediately. It would take forever and it would finally bubble up to the top and we'd hear it.

Yeah. The fish would love it. I would die like... Oh, one last show. Yeah. You've been saved by dolphins? Yeah. That's what a dolphin is.

I don't know. That's right. The dolphins aren't gay people. They're in the ocean. Yeah, yeah. I forgot. The gays of the sea. Dolphins?

I've heard that before. The starfish and the dolphins are the gays of the sea. They're usually called tuna, but... I can say I look like a dolphin. Yeah. How do you look like a dolphin? I mean, he's gray. If I were to be a gay man, I'd probably be a dolphin Yeah If I were to be How do you look like a dolphin? I mean he's gray If I were to be a gay man

I'd probably be a dolphin Everyone we're giving ourselves A gay animal name So if you're gay What are you? Body type I'm gonna be a panda I know there's bears

But I'll just be a panda That's good I'm a beaver You're a beaver I'd say I'm probably Closer to a coyote Coyote? Yeah I could see that

Or like a fox I have no idea It's a tough one Wait what areote? Yeah, I could see that. Or like a fox. I have no idea. Beaver, beaver, beaver. Wait, what are you? You'd be like a giraffe. Oh, no, an ant. He'd be an ant.

What's an ant? The trees from Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. Big trees. Oh, okay. Animals. Tree beard. Kevin, what would you be? Platypus.

Oh, that's good stuff. I like that. And I like platypuses. I'd be a noble elephant. Elephants are my favorite animal. That's not bad. I'm an ostrich. Oh, no, we're going to kill you.

Get out. No, that's not nice. That's very nice. I feel like I would be like a I don't know A monkey Yeah you're a monkey Like a spider monkey Yeah like a cute one Always throwing your shit at people

Jerking off Maybe a pelican Yeah something loud and obnoxious A seagull Fruit Loops bird I would go with the sea lion for myself Because they always like to relax Elephant seal

They got that big ugly face Yeah fucking head Yeah And I feel burned And I feel burned They got good at it Zabernski You got burned

And everyone feels it. Which I think is so exciting for the audience. Fuck you, man. Well, there's a lot of stuff. And the burn keeps blazing. Round two. All right. Fight.

Kevin, you haven't been around for a little while. How are you feeling? Tell the audience that you love them. I can't do that. All right. Very nice. Is that Run DMC on your shirt? Oh, yeah, it is.

Is it? Yeah. That's not Run. No, it's not Run. It's De La Soul. Oh, okay. I confused them. I just heard, listen, Kevin, you racist.

You're, of course, it's a Run DMC. I was making a racist joke. I heard rap group, and then I responded, yes. I knew it was wrong. I had no idea. I'm wearing a shirt. I knew in my heart that it was wrong. All right.

Definitely De La Soul. I like De La Soul. For a moment, I was lost. Oh, De La Soul, they're such a good band, and I think they're going to do great things. What is? Let's do one more news story. All right. Who's this old bitch?

A 60-year-old California woman who has been involved in a series of neighborhood disputes is jailed on three felony charges after allegedly spraying a poisonous weed killer in the face and eyes of a seven-year-old who lives in the same condo. What did he do? He's unwanted. This is probably annoying as fuck. I think so. Everyone's just so happy this kid got sprayed with juice.

No one helped him. He's like the neighborhood hero. Yeah. They bail her out of jail. Yeah. And this is a picture of the woman. She's looking rough. Sweet woman.

You think so? Yeah. She looks like Mrs. Brady. She looks like she was Sweet woman. You think so? Yeah, she looks like Mrs. Brady, but... She looks like she was really pretty. Yeah, she was pretty for like 10 years. She was gorgeous. I think she's still kind of attractive. I mean, she's got some attraction.

I mean, one side of her mouth is really swollen up. Well, she's about 80. She looks like she's going to cast a spell. She's got those crazy veins in her neck. So she sprayed weed killer in this kid's face? Right into his face. No, it doesn't say. It just said that there were neighborhood disputes.

Oh, okay. So this kid was shitting in the yard. He was taking shit. He was dumping in the yard. Watch it in real life. It was like a kid just skipping. Knocking on her door, running away. Classic.

What if it was religious, like a kid skipping across the lawn? She's like, ah! And she's like spraying him with weed. I love the idea. Yeah. Commander John Peters told the smoking gun that this woman, her name is Julia Rodinehus.

Said that Rodinehus has been involved in several neighborhood disputes in the past and this appears to be a continuation. So this has escalated for quite a while. So now she was just out there planting, and she sprayed the kid with it, huh? She was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon.

No! What? I'm not for it. It's not a weed. She bought it at Menards. Yep, assault with a deadly weapon. I like that. And save big money.

At Menards. At Menards. Remember Menards? I love Menards big money At Menards At Menards Remember Menards? I love Menards You know Menards? Some people do Some sort of regional thing It's a midwestern thing

You're Ohio, right? Chicago You're Chicago Save big money Save big money At Menards And then some guy came I was like

Menards It was the best And he got crazier Crazier every time He was like Menards Like he was crazier and crazier every time. He was like, ah! Like he was just like, no! But you did, and you went there. You remembered you saved money.

You did. You saved big money. Did you find some deets? She's also being charged with a battery with serious injury and child endangerment. She's being held in lieu of a $100,000 ban. Oh, my God. That's a weed killer. Come on.

Give me a fucking break. It's bad. This woman is facing a lot of years in the pen. That's fucked up, man. Does she have a past record? Doesn't look like it. Hold on. They're going to put her on a $100,000 bond.

Eddie, look at the brighter side. I will look at the brighter side. Once she's out of fucking jail for beating up a fucking horrible kid. This kid should be locked up. Put this kid in juvie. Let her around. Saving money. M. Nair. Where's she going to come up with 10 grand to get out of jail?

100 grand. No, it's a 10 because you only got to pay 10% to get out. Oh, really? Yeah, it's a bail bondsman. Hey, prison time with daddy. It should be a new podcast. That's a great idea. All the things you need to know about going to jail. What? Oh, yeah, we go through the arrest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only one who hasn't is Jackie. No, I haven't either, man. Yeah, it's Jackie, Kevin. Me and Ben have been arrested. I really wish I was. No, you don't. I'm good at talking myself out of things is all.

I'm good at talking myself out of things, too'm good at talking myself out of things, too. It's just a lot of things. Well, you got caught. You got caught hard. How about you, Mattel? You've been to prison? No. How about jail?

No. Jail? No. Good for you. Well, you're a sensitive guy, and you're doing good with life. I just love letting these memories just hit. You're a better person when you're a piece of shit. When you try to be nice, you're just worse.

Because no one trusts you, guy. We're all just sitting here waiting. Say, hey, listen, you deserve everything that you deserve. It doesn't matter. You're a shining star. And you're good. And it's so nice to have you here with us. Sing a song about a shining star.

I like your haircut, bud. Thank you, Ed. I like yours too, Marcus. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it looks good. I got a good whipper snapper cut. Did you get, so you sat down

the barber chair, they gave you some candy, and you asked for the whipper snapper? They gave me the candy. Make it look like I play on train tracks. Kevin, how... Make it look like I carry a knife everywhere. Kevin, how would you gauge Marcus's and my haircuts? Who's got a better cut? I like your haircut

better. I mean, they're very similar, honestly. Yeah, they're pretty similar. Marcus's, my haircuts. Who's got a better cut? I like your haircut better. They're very similar, honestly. Yeah, they're pretty similar. Marcus's flips up and Ben's flips down. I'm up because I look on the brighter side of things. There you go. The brighter side. There's a show on Cave Comedy Radio where Ed Larson has a hose. It's mentioned once again.

I will fucking freak out. Sam or Nelson. 9-11 episode. That's a once again. I will fucking freak out. Sam or Nelson. 9-11 episode. It's a good podcast. It's a good podcast. Listen to the Bradys. A lot of people listen to it. Keep on the bright side.

God, I love that song. Yeah, it's great, isn't it? And now it's time for a segment from Hope McNeil. Design a room in Marcus's house. So Marcus is having a new house. He's a MarksMillionDollar. He's owner of, he owns surf parks. Those little areas, the pools that make the waves that people can surf on.

I love those things so much. He's opening up. He's building his house, but he's helping the rooms. I will start. I'm going to go with funny mommy room, man. So you go in there. There's a bunch of caskets. There's some lounge chairs, maybe a couple gaming tables, you know,

definitely a little bar. It's not like a speakeasy, but covered in caskets and all the tables and shit. And one of the caskets is a live mummy, and he's hidden in there. And at one point in the night, that mummy is going to jump out the casket and attack anybody who's in the room. So you go in there you hang out all night and then at one point you get to have fun fighting a mummy. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah. And also

I'm going to include in a corner of that room, it's kind of a games room, it's kind of a room to play, right? You got the mummy popping out. It's definitely my playroom. A bone box. It's like a sandbox but it's like the walls are a little bit more raised and it's just filled with bones. You just jump in there and you play with your bones. That's like a little thing you can do. You can fuck in the

bone box. You can do whatever you want in the fucking but you can smoke a fucking joint the size of my list in the bone box. No, no, no. The bone box is a part of the gaming room that is the funny mummy room. It's a coffee room. It's all part of the funny mummy room. Yeah, yeah. We'll have goat heads in there and stuff like that.

Thank you, thank you. I mean, yeah, that's fucking, that's fantastic. Yeah, yeah. It's got, you know, we'll have goat heads in there and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, thank you. I mean, yeah, that's fucking, that's fantastic. There you go. So that's my gift to you, man. You can let me win. I mean, I just heard

this segment just now, man, but honestly, this is a wrap, dude. You have a jizz room in your house. Everybody, I know that you're jizzing all the time.

The whole floor is a dream. You're trying to use these socks. You're trying to use these bathrooms. I mean, right now, I'm a sock man. Yeah, exactly. You're a socking all the time. The whole floor is a drain. You're trying to use these socks. You're trying to use these bathrooms. I mean, right now I'm a sock man. Yeah, exactly. You're a sock man.

But what happens when you're out of socks, man? What happens when you're thinking about, oh, shit. Just coming in on underpants. I'm totally in. Exactly. And that ain't right. You have a jizz room. An entire room, you just jizz in the corner of it.

Jizz anywhere. Yeah. The rest of it, air conditioned. You're spraying all types of different things in there. There's incense. There's wood burning on the side. Yeah, there's got to be something to take care of the smell. You don't even smell the jizz at all.

You just pile the jizz up in one corner of the room, but it is the jizz room. It's great with a bunch of flowers. You come on the flowers. Yeah, yeah. It's specifically that corner of that room. Yeah. The jizz room. The whole room is for jizz, but you choose to do it in the corner of that room. Yeah. The jizz room. The whole room is for jizz, but you choose to do it in the corner.

I like your style. Does it really feel good to jerk off with a sock on your dick? No, you don't jerk off with a sock. You catch it with a sock. Just catch it. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of different ways to catch it. There's two layers to a sock so it won't shoot through it.

It's all about catching it. If you just got a bandana or like a paper towel, sometimes the jizz just rocks right through it. It's all about catching it. If you've got a bandana or a paper towel, sometimes it just rocks right through it. It's strictly a catcher. It's a catcher, that's it. If you're going to use Kleenex or anything like that, you've got to use two or three because otherwise it's just going to shoot right out and hit you in the eye.

Unless you've got some lazy cum and then it just blows out. You can cup your hand and shoot into that and just wash your hand. Yeah, you can also do that. Or just fucking let it fly and then wipe it off afterwards. Why find a woman? That's tough. That's difficult.

Eddie, that is how you get hurt. Oh, I hadn't fucking thought about that yet. Oh, here I've been in my house just fucking whacking it. Jason, it's like you just fill up a woman. Boy. All right, Kis, so what fucking room you got for our fucking asses? Oh, I was thinking maybe you have four corners of all the seasons. Okay.

So, yeah, you got your fall, you got your winter, you got your spring, and you got your summer. Oh, so you can... You can have... Yeah. And so... Are there walls in between, or is it just free-flowing? It's free-flowing because there is an invisible wall that is very important to recognize. As the seasons change without you

knowing, nor do you know when you change when you walk through them. That's profound. And yeah, so you get to camp and then you get to have your winter situation there. There's snow next to freshly cut sunny day. There's dew. Is Walk Like a Man always playing in there?

What's that? Walk Like a Man. Walk Like a. Is Walk Like a Man always playing in there? What's that? Walk Like a Man. Walk Like a Man. Walk Like a Man. Sing Walk Like a Man. Walk Like a Man. That's in summer. That's in summer. The Four Seasons sings.

Oh. Come on. Catch up. Catch up. A different version of Mateo. Or mustard. Get with your pop culture. A different version of Mateo

is in each room. That's a night terror. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't want to see the spring Mateo because he's a little frisky, but that's okay. Or just really bad allergies. Yes. It would just be more like, do you have a leg rot? And so that's it.

So you get to really, if you're too hot, you get to go into the winter room. If you're too wintry, then you get to go into the spring room. Okay. And all of these things give you all the satisfaction that you get. Fall room's all right. It's always football season. I'll spend the majority of my time in the fall room. Yeah.

But fuck it, man. They're all there for you. You'll get sick of the fall room eventually. You'll get sick of it. Eventually. But I mean, if I can just have football games on in the fall room. Nay. Nay?

No sports. Oh. It's only Broadway. All right. Now that makes this room worse. Mateo, what do you got for us? Just like any room. Yeah, you got to build a room for his house.

Yeah, like a laser zone. I'm thinking like a laser zone. I love lasers. Laser tag. Laser tag. Laser tag is just a fucking sweet. Somebody, it's a room. Yeah, man. But a big sweet Somebody It's a room Yeah man

But a big room There's like different Like levels to it And everything's like It looks like the blue Blue man group But like the aborted version With a fog machine

Can I change my answer And you run around And you know There's like kids Shooting you And you're trying To get your friends And you're like

Get off me I'm a five year old I'm trying to shoot my friends It'll be funny You know So yeah I think that's I cannot have children In my home Oh well I mean That's... I cannot have children in my home.

Oh, well, I mean... That's a fucking great room. Okay, we can get older people pretending. I just can't. It's just a rule. It'll be us. It'll be all of us with, like, funny hats. It's just a rule.

It's just qualified. Yeah, don't ask why. I just can't. It's a rule. I cannot have children in my house. Michael Jackson. All right. Bum.

I don't know. Yeah. Well, that is all I had for you. Well, I do love the laser tag. Just no kids. All right. Fine. We'll give it to kids and we'll bring in old people.

All right. Old people. And you can laser tag with them. They're easy to shoot. Yeah. I can just. They don't even know what an iPhone is and now you're going to make them shoot each other with lasers.

Fantastic. They're all on dialysis too. All right. Jackie, what do you got? It's going to smell bad, but I can handle that. So this is going to be in the backyard. You're going to create a big barn that you'll have where you're going to keep all your horses and your pigs and stuff. And you're going to be.

I'm going to try to look for the pigs. Yeah, and so whatever, if you live with family or your coworkers, whoever that are in the house, they think that you're in the barn all the time because they see a hologram version of you. barn all the time because they see a hologram version of you. But what they don't know is that underneath the barn, there is a secret room that you've created that is a soundproof room that has a drum kit. It has a big like recliner chair and a big fucking TV and you get every channel, every fucking Wi-Fi, anything you want down there. But also there's a secret tunnel that only your specific indentured servant knows about. This is like Dexter's lab.

That you can have him bring you whatever you want when you're down there. But you have to be a slave owner? No, no, no. Indentured servant. The hologram is sitting in his favorite chair. I like this idea. No, no, no. It sounds like everything you said sounds like something he would already have in his house other than a slave.

It's not a slave. It gets paid. It's an indenture. You just said he's going to have a room with a slave in it. It does seem a bit racist. Because I don't know if it's a man or a woman. I'm saying it's open for gender. We're done with it.

We're disqualified. Disqualified. Disqualified. Say it again. I don't think you people know the finer points of indenture servitude. You people. You people. You people. I know indenture.

I'll just bring over an Irish person. Fucking Robert E. Lee and his wife over here. Oh, my God. I'll bring over an Irish person. He only has to work for me for three to five years. Disgusting. Then at the end of that three to five years. You got to live with an Irishman for five years.

Don't you fucking talk to me about indenture. Bring over the Irishman. If you're going to get an indenture. Don't get an Irishman for five years. Don't you fucking talk to me about indenture. Bring over the Irishman. Don't get an Irishman. Get the best indenture. Hey, why don't you bring over some fucking rats too, huh? You son of a bitch. All right. I don't even want to make

room. Fuck it though. I don't want to even make rooms for your house right now. Jeff, what do you got? All right. All right. So listen, you're going to have a Rube Goldberg toilet. And whoopee. Okay. All right, all right. So listen, you're going to have a Rube Goldberg toilet. And whoopee. Ooh. Okay. For those who don't know what a Rube Goldberg machine is,

it's one of those crazy machines where you hit a button that hits the ball, which knocks the chicken, which lays an egg, which pops the balloon, which fills the pot, which, you know, hits the dominoes. Like the beginning of Pee Wee Herman. Yeah. Yeah. Big adventure. Yeah.

Pee Wee Herman. Most of our... Yeah. Everything it does is flushes the dominoes. Like the beginning of Pee Wee Herman. Yeah. Big adventure. Yeah. Pee Wee Herman. Most of our... Yeah. Everything it does is flushes the toilet, okay? So anytime you got to go use the toilet, you got to go through like a half hour process. I mean, that is so much. What if you're in a hurry? Bad.

You know? Listen, man. Well, then if you're in a hurry, you use the regular bathroom. This is special bathroom. You ain't hanging at Marcus' house if you're in a hurry. You're only in Marcus' house to chill the fuck out. You got to put a projector in a mini fridge in there. My question is... This is a special bathroom. You ain't hanging at Marcus' house if you're in a hurry. You're only at Marcus' house to chill the fuck out. You gotta put a projector in a mini-fridge in there. My question is,

where is the joy, man? The joy is in the beauty of mechanics. Exactly. Sounds like a lot of joy. I made a solid point. Think about it. So it's just the toilet that takes a half an hour to flush. Yeah. Alright.

Alright. Alright, Marcus. Think about it. So it's just the toilet that takes a half an hour to flush. Yeah. All right. Ed, what do you... All right, Marcus. You hear me out here. I know this one's going to sound a little weird. All right. Bedroom. Okay, you're going to put a bed in there,

and you're going to sleep on it every night. Every single night. Every night you're going to sleep on this bed, and there's going to be a closet, and you're going to put all your clothes. Right. All right, and we're going to put a TV so you can watch TV while you're laying in bed. That's great.

I love to fall asleep to Ken Burns documentaries. You can put porno on it. You can put anything you want on that television. I like to watch porn on my iPad. You get a nightstand. Put a lamp on it. Inside there, anything you need. Condoms, hairbrush.

Inside the lamp? It's a bedroom. And, uh... Yeah, you're saying it's a bedroom. So it's just a normal bedroom. Oh, is that the schnick? Is that the schnick? Is that the schnicky?

It's got a door and a window. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Marcus might not think to put it there. I mean... So I want to install one for him just to make sure that he has. Make sure he's got a bedroom instead of a pile of garbage. In my apartment, in my room, I do not have all of those things right now. Right next to each other?

No. I mean, I've got a bed and I've got a TV. Think about this mini fridge. And I've got a, you know, one of those heat lamps they use to keep dogs warm at night. Yeah. That's what I use as a light in my room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a chameleon?

Yeah, he lives like Holden should live. Yeah. Yeah. Eddie's drunk. We're all drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so what I'm going to do is...

So, okay, so, all right. All right, so I'll pay someone a living wage. And I will thank you for that, I'll pay someone a living wage. And I will thank you for that. I'll pay someone a living wage. No indentured servitude, but yeah, I'm going for Jackie's bar. Yeah. With a close-up. That was racist.

I mean, that's going to be my... It's not racist. Oh, you say everything's racist. I changed my name to tennis court. No. I don't like tennis. Kevin, what do you think about the racist choice markets? I don't believe them, man.

I don't believe them. That was a regular-ass room with slaves in it. Yeah. I gave you a jizz room, dude. All right, run the MC. Any room can be a jizz room. Right in my face.

Every room is a jizz room. Right in my face, you said, why don't we take this nation 250 years back? That's what you said. I didn't say that. Can you sing us out? Can you sing Jackie an endgame or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go around the. I didn't say that. Can you sing us out? Can you sing Jackie and Edward?

I'm at the cock. Oh my goodness. That's the round table. There's Jackie there and Edward. How you doing? Let's start the show. Let's get out of here. Are we doing that? And then Kevin was here and Jeff Darman was here. Thanks for having me.

Goodbye. Thanks for having me guys Thank you for coming Yeah what's your twitter Mateo Lane M-A-T-E-O Cartoons or stuff you want to plug Who gives a shit right

Fuck it right I ain't plugging nothing This week either I don't want to plug a single Thing on this show you know why Because I live my life on the brighter side. By here, the fucking I am at Ben Kissel

on Twitter. All right.