The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 235: The Snow Outside Is Fatter Than The Bride

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: a man named Teitz goes by the name of Gooch and steals his date's car, a Saudi Arabian man divorces his wife for loving a camel more than him, and a foul mouthed Dallas teacher gets in trouble for describing his penis to a class full of 7th graders. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski and Chris Nester!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I've been coming since I was four years old. Yeah, so it's different. No, you haven't.

Yeah. No, boys can't come until there's pubic hair. My black maid taught him how to masturbate. My black psychic maid told me with the shanin. Because she said, oh, some dick has got a shan to him, son. Tituba, your old maid. Tituba, my old maid. And she said, you just pull on your little sugar packet.

Because that's what she called my tiny little dick. And I pulled on my sugar packet. And I shot fucking icing all over my fucking preschool. Uh-huh. All right, everyone. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. This is great. It's a skeleton podcast tonight.

A lot of people couldn't make it because they were busy making it big. Hollywood called and they answered and they're not here. Why didn't Hollywood call me? I don't know, Henry. Okay. So we got, let's see, how do I usually start the show? What's Hollywood's phone number, Henry? It is 1-888- 666

fuck. The word fuck spelled in numbers. That's the thing. You get those special cell phones with the fuck button on them when you get famous. That's what I got. It's a longer one. It says fuck and it's pink like a cock. Yeah, different than the pound sign, but very similar. Yeah, pound sign's got that thing that technically looks like an asshole.

I'm worried about your health. Why? You look unhealthy. Oh, I have to pray. Doesn't he look older, though? Doesn't he look much older? Yeah, I look haggard and tired. The cowmen performed last night, and Holden is going through a phase where he takes his shirt off,

and I do have video, and I may or may not be posting that on the round table page so whatever you say about henry's physical features holden i just want to let you know literally doctor says i need to diet holden i'm on the high end of normal your body is starting to look like the you remember the twins from Nothing But Trouble? It's like your body is literally... Bobo and Oboe or something? I think this is... Bobo and Little Devil. It's kind of a record now how many times that movie has been a reference on this TV show.

It is. I mean, all they wanted to do was go on a nice vacation. I know what they wanted to do. I know what they ended up getting. I don't know what they wanted to do. My cholesterol is on the high end of normal, so I'm still normal though, but I need to eat less red meat, less potatoes,

rice, sugar. I can't wait to hear you describe your diet over the rest of the podcast. Bad carbs. It's called bad carbs. I need to have 2,000 units of vitamin D. I'm allergic to dust. I need to eat not too much fruit, just a little bit of fruit a day because that's sugar.

I think you could use some more fruit. Potatoes, rice, pasta, and bread. That's what you have to have. No-nos. My favorite thing is a burger and fries. I love my Petey's hamburger. Petey's burgers, shout out to you guys. It's a block away from my apartment.

They're going to ask you to not come back. You want, you think you're going to get coupons? Dude, you're not going to get coupons. We've got, in the neighborhood, Astoria must be some kind of burger capital. We got Petey's Burger. We got the Burger Club, of which I'm a member. And they have a really good,

oh my god, I order them all the time. I can hear your cholesterol in your voice. Bear Burger. Bear Burger we have. These are all within a block radius of where I live. It was so ridiculous because at one point, the light hit one of your lumps so perfectly last night as you were shirtless on stage. It was like a laser light show, but if the laser was just lard.

It was actual fat. It was like if a bag of diamonds was made out of pig fat. His body is a wonderland. It needs to be shut down. Condemned. Immediately. Evil clowns run the wonderland

in my body. I just want to give some shout outs right now. Can I give a shout out? We haven't even done the prayer yet. Amen. I don't know. Thank you God for my friends. Thank you for holding a beautiful body and for making all the things that have contributed to your unhealthy lifestyle like booze,

beef, beer, and I guess you have a beautiful girlfriend. I don't know how that happened. She's so beautiful. Shout out to my best girl. She's looking better too. It's like somehow like Holden's getting worse. She's getting hotter. I think she's preparing to abandon you.

Abandon or eat him at some point. We live in a studio apartment and she's real busy. I rarely see her. That's exciting. God, you're such a weirdo. Chris, what are we thankful for besides- We have to do intros. There's a structure.

All right. Let's go back to the round table of gentlemen. You've heard the prayer. Today's segment, action figure. This is not the segment time. This is not the segment time. No. Okay.

So we've done it now. Welcome to the round table. Shout out to Jackie. Shout out to Jackie. She's not here. Kevin Barnett's not here. His grandfather. Big ups to Chris Nestor.

Okay. Okay. Chris Nestor. That, okay. Okay, Chris Nestor is in the chuckle hut tonight. Thank you so much for being here, Chris. Hey, guys, I just want to thank you guys for having me. You nailed that. Perfect response. I like what you're doing. Why, you fools?

Sitting in for Ed Larson. No, we're not sitting in. It's Ed. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. Oh, my God. Eddie's here.

I can't believe Eddie's here. Okay, and now say a bad joke about Ed Holder. Oh, he's too big to go back to school. They said that it's because the desks are made out of a sheet and a desk combined. And they said you can't legally be a student unless you can fit inside the darn desk. And I keep saying I want to be smarter. Let me be smarter. I'm going to make my Ed joke.

I'm going to say he uses bologna for shoe inserts. Kind of funny there to think about that. That's the Ed joke. I think I see Jackie in the corner of the room. Yeah, I'm Jackie. Is Jackie here? My name's Jackie. I am...

Whoa, all right. Edit that out. I'm good. Good God. What is wrong with the Zebrowski family? I was playing Jackie. I was playing the character of Jackie. You can't use that.

You can't use that excuse anymore. Okay, so now we're at our racist moment. It's slow talking Morris. That's not a character we've ever had before. I want to go to the bathroom with me. Morris, Morris, you know I'm supposed to get these tax papers in by three o'clock on Wednesday.

I'll file the papers as soon as I'm done fiddling this boy. Morris. He's a slow-talking pedophile. Morris, get the hell out of here. Alright, well, we're always coming up with new characters that are gonna go mainstream. I found a boy under the table.

Morris, you sort of got... Morris, you gotta get the hell out of here. I'm Henry Zabrowski. Thank you for being here, Henry. From A to Z on NBC's Thursday at 9.30. It was canceled. Cancel, right? What? More NBC's Thursday at 9.30. It was canceled. Canceled, right? What?

More like A to F. Henry, your show was canceled. What? Yeah, it was literally canceled. It was considered one of the worst shows of all time on NBC. What? Yeah. Oh, fuck.

What about all the financial obligations I've made? More like A to L for loser. Or A to T for turkey. We would have done a T for loser. Or A to T for turkey. We would have done a T for turkey. How many letters did you make it to? 13, Ben. We fucking know. Or I did 26 in the alphabet.

Yes, there is 26. That's funny. So I guess the show ended before it wanted to end, so somebody told it that it wasn't good enough to continue living. My question is, this is the mystery I did want to know, though, after I read the pilot, which was very solid and very lame. What?

It seems... After they got done with the letter Z, what were they going to do? Go to numbers? Were they going to start back over? Apparently, what I was told

is that there was a secret in the writer's room. At the very end, they pulled us all aside and what they're going to do is said, the last thing Z was that Andrew, my best friend, my childhood

friend, was going to go up to Zelda and be like, hey do you want to see what an Australian pinata is? And she's just like, oh Andrew, I love you, yeah, we're about to get married, yes absolutely. And then what he does is he took a fucking straight razor and cut open his fucking ball back, right? And there was a genie in there and fucking sent, and then we he does this, he took a fucking straight razor and cut open his fucking ball back. Right.

And there was a genie in there and fucking sent, and then we made a wish. Oh, I wish we could go back to high school. Second season took place in high school. Oh, I see. Very good, because the ball wish came true. Now, Chris, based on that, do you think the writer was a Republican or a Democrat?

I'm going to say independent. Wow, I agree with that. It was a creative idea. Like Jesse Ventura. It might have been Jesse Ventura, actually. Alright, so I think we've gone through technically the process of the beginning of the show. Of the intros? Holdenators, ho!

Are you a masternator? I know, my gremlins, you're all waiting and wondering what the test is, but I will give it to you soon, you fucking morons. Alright, well be nicer to them. They stink enough.

Well, they're very supportive of you. I'll quit smoking! Yeah, Holden quit smoking, and I love it because Holden did the whole thing. He was telling me, he's like, you know, what's great about quit smoking is that I'm not fucking anxious about it. I'm really cool with everything. I'm like, fuck you, fuck you.

And he starts saying it. Right, right. Because the tension is literally radiating off of you right now. You know, this is the thing that pisses me off the most. And I'm mad about many things right now. When you quit smoking, it's like, oh, you can smell things again, right? Oh, that's one of the biggest benefits, right? Besides like your heart and stuff.

Yeah, so you can smell your own fucking bush hairs now? We live in New York. It smells disgusting here. Sure. Everywhere you go, it's gross. Have you ever thought about taking some lady's perfume and just kind of spraying it on your upper lip? Dude, I've rubbed my face in a woman's ass

before. You think I haven't tried some perfume, you dog? You fucking joke. You're attacking him a little bit overly aggressively for the comment that he made to you. He's trying to help you. I'm letting him get it out. Right, he has to. Okay.

Oh, I'll get it out and I'll piss on you. Good, yeah. Well, that's a whole different kind of... Where's Morris? We're slow talking. Oh, sorry. I thought I smelled a boy on the roof. I don't know if Morris' problem is that he's slow talking.

Is it the fact that he's always fiddling with these boys? That is more the pedophilia, yeah. On the roof. And I couldn't find both. Can we do an hour of this? We could. Actually, we could do an hour of it and you would say about eight sentences.

Oh, a-coo-na-ma-ta. Okay, well now you're just quoting the lion king. Or know if the pedophilia is a result of the slow talking or if the slow talking is a result of the pedophilia. Or if there's any connection there. Pedophiles talk slow and they're very good at connect. Okay. We gotta be good at connect four.

If somebody is very good at connect four, they have thought at least once about what it would be like to drape their dick on top of a baby's face. And there's no denying that. Every single thing that Henry Zebrowski utters is totally true. Because sometimes it would be fun to just kind of, I mean, not fun, but an interesting experiment to kind of slap a baby's face with your dick, right? Okay, well, let's isolate that and let's ruin his career.

I was your middle priest. You talked like this. Is that real? I was asking. Okay, Mark. Let's do a news story. We have to get out of that. Hey, it's me, Police Siren Jonathan.

Rear. Oh, my goodness. So, so far, you have a slow-talking pedophile character and Police Siren Jonathan that just makes the sign of a police siren. I hate. I don't. This is my least favorite character. Honestly, I thought slow-talking pedophile was my least favorite, but immediately, boom. Every time I get, I a siren. I hate, I don't. This is my least favorite character. Honestly, I thought Slow Talking Pedophile was my least favorite, but immediately, boom. Every time I get, I get fired from.

Is he an actual siren, like, on top of a car that has, like, a personality, or is he a human being that thinks he's a siren and just tries to sound like one? Oh, this is what he does. This is his normal talking. The other question is that that sounds like an American police siren, Jonathan. Is there an English police siren, Tamothy? Oh, it is me. Police.

British police siren. Is that what you think it sounds like? This is such bad. Honestly, Cave Comedy Radio just shut down. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm done. Okay, so Marcus, let's do a news story now.

This is the portion of the show where we do that. Authorities say a man who allegedly stole a woman's car during their first date last month has been captured. Waterford Township Police say 53-year-old Gerald Teets was arrested Saturday after the vehicle, which had the vanity plate Jersey Girl, was spotted in Cherry Hill. Teets and the woman, identified only as a New Jersey resident, became acquainted online and decided to meet on February 26. Teets allegedly

told the woman his name was Gennaro Aladina. It's a better name than Teets. Oh, anything else. And that he went by the nickname Gooch. Oh. So he went from Teets, but he's like, yeah, my last name's Teets. People call me Gooch. Is there more he went from Teets, but he's like, yeah, my last name's Teets. People call me Gooch.

Gooch. Is there more to this? Is this reporter literally just, like, reporting on funny names? That's it. That's the whole point of this. Is it his name? This guy has funny nicknames. Guy named Teets calls himself Gooch, stole a Jersey woman's car, and that's the whole

fucking thing. Can you believe it? Jersey girl. He took that car and drove it directly into the 32nd floor of the whole fucking thing. Can you believe it, Andrew? He took that car and drove it directly into the 32nd floor of the World Trade Center. Let's not get into the truth about 9-11.

Everybody know Gooch did it. Was this you, Jersey? Waterford Township. Let's see here. Yes, it was. So it's kind of redundant to have the Jersey Girl, you know, placard there on your license plate.

No, you've got a Jersey plate. Right. Everyone knows you're a Jersey girl. How many cars get stolen in Jersey every day? Probably a lot. By the gooch? One a day. But when the gooch does it, it fucking makes headlines.

That's what the gooch does. I'm the gooch, and when I do things, people talk about it. Oh, my God, the gooch is in the room. Yeah, that's right. It's me, the gooch in Australia. If the Gooch is in the room. Yeah, that's right. It's me, the Gooch in Australia. If the Gooch is not in the news, he's making news. I agree. Yeah, Gooch was there teaching Timothy McVeigh about TNT like he was Wile E. Coyote.

And the Gooch was there when the towers fell that day. 9-11 is a hologram. I never heard that one. Yeah, we'll talk about it. They were doing a lot of business in that hologram. Yeah, yeah, they were. And unfortunately, they all died during it. Right, right, right, right.

The Gooch definitely, what do you think? Over under five touchdowns scored in a high school football game. This is definitely a guy who reminisces about the past, don't you think? There's no doubt about that. Without a doubt. I'm trying to find more information on good old Gerald Teets. Jerry Teets. Jerry Teets, a.k. that. Without a doubt. I'm trying to find more information on good old Gerald Teets. Jerry Teets. Jerry Teets, a.k.a. the Gooch.

Call me the Gooch. They're all vaginal. They're all feminine names. Like Gooch. No, Gooch means taint. Is that a taint? I thought so. Yeah, Gooch, Grundle, taint.

The Gooch tickle. Everybody knows about the Gooch tickle. I'll put it this way. If I were to say, hey, once you come over here, I'll pay you $5 to fucking finger my Gooch. You would be arrested. If he doesn't get it hey, once you come over here, I'll pay you $5 to fucking finger my gooch. You would be arrested. If he doesn't get it right, he is misled. Can I wear my mouth guard? No.

I like to feel your scratchy tongue on my gooch. You guys want to see gooch? Yeah. Here's a picture of gooch. This is from his fucking 55 years old. This is his OKCupid profile. 89%? Yeah, whoever was looking him up over at the newspaper, 89% match.

Whoa. Yeah, he also, his other alias is Mike Rossman. You know, it's really tough. Well, that's creepy. It's weird to be a normal guy who has so many different aliases. So many. 5'9", 50 years old, shaved head. So many different aliens.

5'9", 50 years old, shaved head. On the run for two weeks until residents spotted the one-of-a-kind vanity plate on the 2007 Toyota Solara. Gooch fought the law and the law won. It definitely did because Gooch is a moron and he stole a car with a vanity plate. I mean, that's guaranteed to get caught. Gooch doesn't always think things through, but you know he's a man of action, and you gotta respect a man of action. And the Gooch also is probably a guy who'll go into, like, an AJ's sports bar

and tell everybody, Hey, yo, look at that. Hey, car. I just fucking stole that car because the Gooch knows where the keys are. You know, like, just saying shit. He could also start a children's clothing line called Ooch Booch Bagooch.

That is a good point. But the gooch always does know where the keys are. It's all just got fucking ass flaps. Why does the ass open up on these jeans? Got to open up because I'm the gooch. First class male.

Here comes the tube delivery from the gooch what is the tube made of it's cock oh i'm a mother of the tube is cock i'm a mother of five and oh yeah you got gooched you got gooched in your throat which is what the gooch calls a throat god this is great i love it when we record four days into a bender where everyone is just mentally disabled. I still love how you just wanted to know what the tube was made of. You just were so concerned about that one detail. It's cock. It's cock.

It's like a cock and balls. It's a cock. But what's the tube made of? You never know. 9-11. Building 7. That's the question. That's the building goddamn 7.

I know. It's selling its own. Just fell down. And the chat agrees with you. Claude Wilson, who said, I love you, Henry. He also said, in all caps, 9-11 was a ritual performed as a way of representing the fall of the two pillars, Joaquin and Boaz, bringing about the rise of the goddess. But Claude, what do we not know?

It's the paperwork that wasn't filed that allowed the ritual to even happen. Negligence by the government. Negligence it was indeed. And also I want to say I'm going to put out there $200 for the person who finishes Harrison Ford in the hospital. What? No, you have a debt. So now you've... All right.

So if Harrison Ford dies, technically, Henry, that's on your head. It is on Henry. But you've got to wear a nurse's clothes. You've got to... I mean, I want him to go peacefully because I love Han Solo. It did break the internet, though. Everyone was very, very punny on the Twitters. Yeah, when they showed his big ass,

it broke the internet. Man, his big, oily, fucking craggy Harrison Ford asshole. Henry, tell us a joke. Okay, so two types of butter walk into a restaurant. Oh, I love this show. And the chef goes up to the butters. Hey, butters, what are you doing outside of the kitchen? Italian accent. Yeah, he goes,

why are you in the kitchen? And the two butters, they go, hey, go fuck yourself. We're gay and proud of it. I love that joke. One of my favorite butter jokes I've ever heard in my entire life. Hell yeah. I still got it.

Jersey girl's car was stolen by Gooch. By Gooch. Everything's worked out okay? Is that what happened? Everything's worked out fine. They met in Atco, New Jersey. By the way, Gooch

from Atlantic City. They met up at Rack's Restaurant and Sports Bar. Nice, okay, Cupid Day place. Let's up at Rack's Restaurant and Sports Bar. Nice. Okay. Cupid Day Place. Let's go to Rack's. You know what's also weird is that Rack's is another term for Teets. Oh, yeah.

Is that where Teets always takes his dates to Rack? Inception. Oh, man. He's only 5'1". His last name is Teets and he's 5'1". His name is The Gooch and he's 5'1". Yeah. His name is The Gooch. And he's 5'1". You gotta be Nick. I think there's definitely a, there has to be, there's more nicknames like The Gooch

the shorter that the people get. You have to. You have to have a nickname to boost your rep. Right, right, right, right. You know, at least he didn't go by like Terrible Ted. Ooh, Terrible Ted. Yeah, that's a fun one. Briny Paul. Just because of's a fun one. What was his first name? Riny Paul.

Just because of how salty he is. What do you do to language when it goes through your body? You just make it gross. I had a really good English teacher named Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. Oh, you had a... That was the teacher's Joe's? Joe!

That's not a real story. So you'd be like, hey, Mr. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. And then you'd be like, no, it's Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. And he's like, the snow outside is fatter than the bride. And I'd be like, I can't, I don't know. Where are the consonants in that, you small child? Why is your rump all red? To teach Holden as a child.

You know what I mean? To have been a teacher forced to look at Holden every day while he sat slowly fingering his own balls, weirdly smiling at the teacher the entire time being like, I don't like books. And you should be like,

Mr. McNeely child. It's unbelievable. I don't like books. And you should be like, Mr. McNeely Child. It's unbelievable. I don't like books. Don't look and I'm gonna prove my mom not retarded. You asked us

to come and record this podcast. You said the podcast is recorded every Sunday. That's what they said. Right, right. And so we are here recording something. The snow outside is fatter than the bride. Okay, sir, you're obviously not drunk. Drive along.

Where are the consonants in that? Fool you, I've been drunk this whole time. Move along, then. As long as your path's a test, I don't care. I'm a fool of you. I've been drunk this whole time. Move along then. As long as your path's a test, I don't care. Well, this is just really wonderful entertainment. Next story. No, let's stick with this one.

I don't know. Stimulate can't make me like the books. Can you read the Gooch story again from the top? Okay. Let me get back to it. Authorities say a man who allegedly stole a woman's car. Wait a second. Is this the story about Teets, the guy named Gooch? I love this story.

I love this guy. Henry is a psychic. Yeah. I can psychically tell my fucking boner is growing right now. Because I'm making it with my thoughts. And the blood flow to the tube. Cartilage getting thicker. Right, it's more than disgusting to hear you say that.

I was telling Henry about this, but there was this really hot chick I used to know, and I found her on Facebook. How did the relationship get ruined when you were creepy? She's a bartender, so she was forced to be nice to me. Yeah, she's very pretty and very nice. So I was like, ooh, I want to look this girl up. So I want to bone out to her, you know? Oh, the Ontario bar girl.

I found her. Dude, I know what you're talking about. She's a redhead. Okay, but I didn't jack off. We all know her. But I didn't jack off because she's been working with, like, Mexican kids with cleft lips. So her entire Facebook photo library is all these little, sad little Mexican kids with cleft lips. So her entire Facebook photo library is all these little sad little Mexican children with cleft lips. If somebody could know, they'd be like, man, please, God. If you could just start memeing every time a chick takes a beautiful bikini chick pic,

meme her with a kid with a cleft lip. Cleft palate. Please. Absolutely. I need that. It's so hard to just really go at that picture. It is my favorite thing of all time because the brain is so confused. It almost freezes in time like Han Solo.

Because you're being like a nurse. Yeah, that makes you extra boned up. She's so hot. And then you look at her and you realize she's buying a child with a cleft lip and then nothing can occur. Dude, I love Chrissy. You immediately knew the fucking chick. Dude, I knew exactly who you were talking about, too.

The redhead from Ontario. If you're ever in Brooklyn. She doesn't bartend there anymore. She's fucking helping save these children's fucking mouths. Without getting your fucking lumps more full of booze, I can't believe it that she made a positive life choice. I mean, that's the thing. God bless her.

I love the work she's doing, but what a disappointment. This is my other thing is, why take pictures of the kids with cleft lips? They're ugly. That's for her. I love the work she's doing, but what a disappointment. This is my other thing is, why take pictures of the kids with cleft lips? They're ugly. That's for her. Without that, there's no before pictures. So nobody knows that their moderate, their okay looking face is actually a very good looking face. There's after photos. There is?

Is she also like hot nose? No. She's not hot in none of them, man. She's wearing like full doctor, nurse. Ebola gear. Stuff. And not hot, sexy, porn nurse. I mean, we're talking about normal. She's a real nurse who nurse, Ebola gear stuff. And not hot, sexy porn nurse. We're talking about normal.

She's a real nurse who takes care of kids. Don't look up pictures of kids with hair lips. Come on. Yeah, look. Yeah, look. It's kids with cleft lips. I've seen them on the subway. It's all right.

They're smiling. I mean, if you think positively and you get a little cleft lip, you're going to be like, oh, it shows off my fun teeth. I'm just glad that we stopped calling them pumpkin faces. Well, no one ever called them pumpkin faces. Also, babies don't have teeth to show off. Which is, I think, another

problem that this bitch nurse needs to be tackling. But let's go away. Leave her alone. Don't go halfway. Get these teeth. Get these motherfucking kids some motherfucking teeth, man. We're trying to eat out here. Also put it this way, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're going to give them extra lip. Right. Sure, whatever. Cool. Yeah, so now they're normal. Whatever. Fucking give them some tits. Give them big, big tits.

You want breast implants for people with cleft lips. But what if it's a boy? What if it's a boy? Even if it's a boy. So you're just going to force breast implants on a boy because he has a cleft leg. You even know what a boy is, dude. You just want to fucking categorize human beings. You say that all men are just called pre-women.

That's what you call every man you meet. That is very, very true. I've said that before. If you visit Williamsburg, Brooklyn, go to Ontario Bar. It's on Grand Street between Lorimer and Union. It's a great, great little establishment. Yeah, but she ain't there no more. She's not there.

And someone needs this sexy Facebook makeover. Get those clefties out of there. What would you do for the makeover? What kind of dress would you put her in? Just, I don't know, remove the kid from the picture mainly. You'd still masturbate to just picture her in the nurse's scrubs? All you see is her eyes. Fucking sexy eyes.

Yeah, very sexy eyes. She's a beautiful woman. Sexy eyes! Man. Well, all right, Marcus. Now it's time for a second story and marcus can you edit out everything that we just talked about up to the point where you said time to move on to another story and then i said let's not move on to the other story then that occurred all the cleft lip stuff edit all that out take it out all. But we've been doing that bit for 49 minutes.

Oh, shit. We have to leave sometime, Ben. We have to continue with our lives. Is it time for a segment yet? No. Is it time? You know what would be really gross? You know what would be really gross? Is a bunch of video of a guy with a cleft lip trying to suck his own cock.

I mean, any video of a man trying to suck his own cock. I mean, any video of a man trying to suck his own cock. If he got his spine removed or replaced with a rubber band so he could bend over backwards and eat his own ass out. Suck the shit out of his own ass. That would be fucked up.

It's called a dirty double rainbow. Robert, you have something on your lip. Yeah, it's shit. For me and my own fucking ass. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, I have something on your lip. Yeah, it's shit for me and my own fucking ass. Oh, okay, okay. I love it, yeah! I always call it the donut to Oreo. Yeah, of course.

It starts as a donut, but it turns into an Oreo. Yeah, you gotta double dip it in there and get that double stuff. I love what she's doing, by the way, for the world. I don't want people to come on here and say, oh, he's a monster. Oh, he should be abominated. He should be destroyed.

Abominated? We gotta fucking abominate. I don't even know what an abominate is. There are issues that need to be abominated. It's when you black president somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You make them very successful and give them a future speaking

tour where they'll make millions of dollars. Become articulate and wear nice suits. Like a fucking bitch. Am I mistaken or that's not a word, right? Abominate. Abominated? No. Abominate is not a word. Abomination. You can be an abomination.

Talking about obomination. Actually, abominate is a word. Thank you, Marcus. It's a verb meaning to detest or loathe. No way. Yes. They abominate the very idea of monarchy.

See? Oink. Hold me. Doot. Oink. Oink. Moving on. Marcus, next story.

Do you know the bottom of your belly is coming out from your shirt? Oh, but it always does. Marcus, I have to post that video on the roundtable. You have to. Okay, I will. It's the most adorable thing. He's just so beautiful. All right, next news story.

Okay, next story, yeah. A dirty-talking Dallas teacher is in timeout. The middle school instructor was suspended after he was caught on tape cussing out a class full of sixth graders and bizarrely referencing the size of his penis over and over again the teacher said in the recording if you don't give a fuck then i don't give a fuck a 12 year old student recorded monday's seven minute tirade and showed it to her mother the outraged mom shared it with cbs dfw after she claimed the principal of holmes middle school to do anything. The foul-mouthed rant went from bad to worse as the teacher began talking about his penis. He said, some people's dick, they only go that far.

My dick goes all the way to that fence. Can we talk about how strange it is that sixth graders just pull out a camera and start filming their teacher when they're upset? Like, that never happened when we were kids. I think in this case, it's a good idea. The technology didn't exist. It's not the worst idea, but it's crazy. It's like,

if you're sitting behind the classmate who was filming the teacher, don't you feel like the person who was sitting behind somebody at the concert would be like,

we're watching the show live. Why are you filming it? Really, get into it. I mean, this is definitely worth filming after he said that his dick goes all the way to the fence. He promised to show the kids.

He said, I'm going to show you what a dick is. I'm going to dick your ass over. That's the problem. He promised to show the kids. He said, I'm going to show you what a dick is. I'm going to dick your ass over. That's a problem. But it's different. To dick an ass over is different than dicking an ass. He's mixing his metaphors, yeah, but I don't know if that's

the most bad thing he's doing. He seems upset, though. He has a large wang and there's no doubt about that. Sure, yeah. I bet he's packing crazy heat. He can go all the way to the fence. Absolutely. See that fence? Yeah, my dick can touch that fence. I mean, the man has a bizarre way of measuring things.

The big thing about this is that if you're talking how big your dick is, most of the time it's fucking true. It's never not true. You're always like, you never hear guys be like, my dick's so small, and then it turns out to be really big. This is a good life hack, though. Oh, I love, oh my God, I love the... Measure your dick erect.

And then you can use, and then you'll know how long your dick is. And you can use that to do measurements on other things. Like on the house. Yeah. Your dick can be your own ruler. How many dicks it is. Yeah. Then you can calculate.

To get fired from your teaching job. Right. I just feel like if I watched a construction man who was building my fucking huge mansion. What's his name, you bitch? His name's fucking Hernando, and he doesn't speak English because I will not speak with him.

Now, he goes out there, but I'm like, he might speak English. I'm just saying, if I looked at it, I saw him measure, like laying his fucking dick in balls out to measure everything in the house.

You'd be getting like, hell, you'd be drinking champagne celebration. Scaring at him. Then mixing drinks with my own cock. He sounds more like a Polish kind of fellow. A Polish contractor. The Polish guys use like balsa wood in the hard to fucking because they're dumb and the fucking house

fucking gets blown away in the wind or something. They put a screen door on that. They just want to talk about their military experience. It's like, yeah, we fucking know you fought for the wind or something. They put a screen door on that submarine. They just want to talk about their military experience. It's like, yeah, we fucking know you fought for your country, man. Fucking build my mansion. And Polish people, Polish men suck each other's feet

to gain each other's trust. Well, of course. How else would you do it? Everybody knows that's a totally reasonable way to make best friends. And a Polish man's blood is green. If you don't believe me, shoot a Polish man and see. It's not going to be green,

but you will go to prison forever and no one will believe you. You just tell the cops that you thought that Polish people's blood was green and you wanted to get that men-ass jelly. Right.

And then maybe you can get off on an insanity defense. Polish people think Soundgarden's the only band that ever existed and you can win millions of dollars betting them that they're not. I would give anything, anything to live in that mindset. Is it's the only band that ever existed, and you can win millions of dollars betting them that they're not.

I would give anything, anything to live in that mindset. Is it not the only band that's ever existed? Oh, no. One is Among Us. Yeah, you've got Soundgarden is a band. The only other band is Marcy Playground. I love that song. Better than Ezra.

Better than Ezra. There are three bands. Marcy's Playground, that was Candy, which was very pedophilic and disgusting. And Jay-Z is from Marcy Playground. Still think about that. What's a Jay-Z? There's only three bands. It's not a band.

Was that the show that Henry was on that got canceled? Yeah, Jay-Z. My show is canceled? I gotta get to Hollywood and fix this. I have a letter writing campaign to start. Um, I'm sorry, Henry, but the boys and I in the office, we all think that the show should be cancelled. Well, I

think that you're... We're removing your fuck button from your phone. Oh, no! No, we want buttons! No! Leave your fuck button on the desk, Henry, and get out of my office. 11 was a mariette show, marionette show for the government. I don't like beaks. Holden, we've had your mother in here several times, and I've got to say, she is a whore.

My tits are always on the table if you want to do a line off of them. I don't like you, Mrs. McNeely, but I appreciate you. Oh, no, I just painted the couch brown. So this show makes no sense whatsoever. I just want to say, what are we on, episode 227 or something? 35. And I'm officially done. I'm done.

I can't, I can't do it anymore. Have we buried the show? Yeah, I think the whole thing has been, uh, hike up your skirt

the little boy. No, do not. I cannot. And the tiny little boys. Nothing like a nine-year-old boy with a full set of tits and a couple roller skates on.

And a cleft palate. Into the little boys. Show me a fucking palate. Into the little boy's dream. Show me your fucking fence. Fucking my dick touch stuff. This is great. So this has been the portion called Everybody Ruins Their Future Political Careers. I don't like books.

And I'll tell you, you dumb canook, that I'm not a fan of books. I'm way more into looks. Love your breasts, man. He made a call on September 11th, 2001. Went to the call site. And he said, bring me Felicia Rashad.

I want to see her pussy again. Okay. Well, that might have actually happened. We don't know that that didn't occur. So there was no validation or lack of validation

to your claims, Henry Zabrowski. No one said there wasn't. That's correct. Of course. Okay, Marcus. So now we're in the middle of another news story. Yeah. We do news stories here on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah Okay, Marcus. So now we're in the middle of another news story.

You do news stories here on the show. Are we recording this? We haven't started yet. To the little tiny boy's dreams. Oh, it's so good. To the tiny little boy. Dave Matthews, really his lyrics can be perverted and they can be made disgusting.

To the little boy. skirt, little boy. Little boy, let me see what's between. It's a small penis. Malcolm Jamal Warner from the Cosby Show killed a family of five. He did not. Yes, he did. He got away with it. On what day?

Fucking September 11th. Was he on the plane or he was just doing it in Pittsburgh? No, no. This was in Fairfield, New Jersey. 9-11 was a Cosby job? No, no, no. Cosby just wasn't even watching the news. He was just too excited about Fleish Rashad's fucking dank hole.

And then he's fucking Malcolm Jamal Warner was killing families. Would you speak a little bit kinder of Mrs. Huxtable's dank hole? I've actually met Fleish Rashad. Yeah, you got along with her really well. Henry and your fucking name dropping. God damn it, man. Oh, yeah. Mrs. Huxley and me and Felicia.

Felicia and I went to church together and I was like, Felicia... I helped Felicia decide to go out and Felicia's going to do a whole thing where she's playing the Black Wizard of Oz as herself. She's the wizard?

Yes. It's the whiz again, but better because it'll be a pentamon. A one woman. A one woman whiz. Why would she not be the black wizard of Oz? What, would they paint her a different color? Of course she would be black. We don't have to paint her a different color.

She begged to be painted a different color. Now that's a wizard of a different color. Oh, right. Okay. Well, I don't think we should describe her beautiful vagina as a dank hole. No, her vagina, I bet, is soft and awesome. Well, yeah, it's not dank. I mean, kids aren't smoking weed in it.

I love magazines! Oh, my God. Okay. You sound like a lumpier Oprah. Okay. I'll have sex with a magazine. But if you're a book, you better kill yourself. That's where it got too absurd.

That's where all logic left. Marcus, what's the story we're on? We got another new story. What were we just on? We were just talking about the Dallas teacher that told the kids. I got a big dick. Where you got any fucking fence? Show me your fucking fence. My dick touches it. What were we just on? We were just talking about the Dallas teacher that told the kids. The teacher with the penis. Where you got any fucking fence? Show me your fucking fence.

My dick touches it. I love the fucker fence. I'll fuck you. That's perfect. Now it's time for shark news. It's time for camel news. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Saudi Arabian man.

Yeah, Saudi Arabian man divorced his wife after he became convinced she loved her father's camel more than she loved him. The husband and wife were on a visit to her family's house west of the capital, Riyadh, when he verbally flirted with her to show how deep his love for her was. However, the wife reportedly failed to match the emotions of his love expressions and told him that he was dear to her but not as much as their father's camel, Al-Waleef. This is my question. How fucking that means, right?

The camel and the woman, right? How long has that father called his dick his camel? The thing is, though, the man's got his two humps before he shoots. Bing. The man wasn't wrong, right, in his assessment of the situation. The woman did blatantly say that she loves the

camel more. And sit it in front of her brothers. The husband was shocked because he said it in front of her brothers. He opted to lapse into silence at the moment and did not comment. On their way home, the wife offered further details about Al-Waleef, the camel, and said that her father had refused to

sell it, even though he was offered a high price. The husband once more felt offended by his wife's remarks and could not appreciate her exaggerated admiration for the camel, but preferred not to comment at that time. I love it because someone was just like, I would have, I would I want to buy that, I want to buy that, I would

I want to buy that camel, and the father was just like, you can't buy the camel, my daughter loves to fuck it. So that's off the table. That's my daughter fucking camel. You can have the old vintage Coca-Cola machine. That is okay. Dude, why buy the camel when you can get the fucking milk for free?

That's a good one. By milk, he means camel see. Yeah, camel see. I'm talking about that camel milk. Yo, check it out. Coming to you live. Camel milk 2015. Camel milk.

Madison Square Garden. It's getting violent. Camel Milk. Madison Square Garden. Camel Milk. Camel Milk is brown and spicy. Oh, I love a good Camel Milk tea. I can't wait for Camel Milk's New Year's Eve run. I hear they're doing three nights at Madison Square Garden. In the alternative rock band, Camel Milk.

With their first album, Daughter Rape. And we rip your daughter, Camel Milk. It's Chris Cornell's new project. What's the best Camel Milk song around, Holden? It'd probably be like, stand in your own two shoes for a moment. It's very sad and it's very introspective.

That sounded like it was a spoken word. I love that song. Little boy cannot believe it. Standing in his own two shoes. Little boy cannot believe it. As he heard the news. 9-1-1. The day of the killings. 9-1-1.

You don't remember? You know what's weird is that I also feel like there should be a whole sub-track of that. Of just sounds of his daughter getting raped by this camel. Oh my goodness. You never know what's happening. Underneath that is slowly floating

the oochie oochie coochie cooch get a oochie oochie cooch you turned my crouch into an ouch. You turned my crouch into an ouch. That's amazing. I guess you should mostly try to

stay standing. 9-11 was hard on everybody. The whole country. Cosby called. What's your shirt policy in here? You can take it off. You can take it off if you want to. People have taken shirts off in here before.

Hold on, why don't you pop that shirt? I only do it in cowman shows, bro. I'm going to post the cowman video on the roundtable page. I only give it to the audience. That's why you got to pay to see. Yes. The show last night was free. Show last night was free for them to see.

Yeah, did you believe you were going to receive money for that show? We made no money on that show. None. Very good. Okay, guys. So we have a story here that you're discussing about a camel and a gal who loves the camel more than her husband. Well, the husband on Friday evening took his wife on a tour in the desert and headed to the area where her father kept the camels. Once they got there, he asked her to show him Al-Waleef.

But when he saw her open admiration for the camel, he told her on the spot that he was divorcing. He reportedly... I love it because you can just see Alouif just smoking a cigarette in a leather jacket with a rock-hard camel dick. Just be like, yeah, I'm fucking your wife. Constantly. It's a beautiful scene in the desert. I can see... Gorgeous.

As her complimentals are being like, this is Alouif. And he's got balls that are like a little stool for my bottom. When I use his sword into my sheath. Can they touch that fence over there? Out of all the things to lose your wife to, a camel? I mean, but, like, what happened to your wife? Oh, she's fucking a camel now. your wife oh she's she's fucking a camel now so he reportedly explained that she that uh she was an animal who did not deserve to live among humans and that her natural place was among camels where

she could be close to a leaf online comments were largely scornful of the husband for divorcing his wife because online comments are normally so supportive yeah yeah well some commenters hailed him for teaching his quote arrogant wife a lesson in showing respect for her husband. Big time. I wouldn't say that that was the definition of arrogance, falling in love with a camel. No one's like Donald Trump, you know, that guy. He'll fall in love with anything. Can I ask, is it honestly like, does she love this camel or does she just like the camel?

She liked the camel more than her husband. I feel like at some point you just want to, you want to be with the thing that you want to hang out with the most. He's sitting in a sheath all day in the hot desert sun, so his balls smell like fucking rancid oil and cottage cheese. Oh, absolutely. You know his bush smells like a fucking piece of rancid meat. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, of course. Maybe, yeah.

She doesn't really like him as much. He's slapping her all the time, probably, right from the country, you know? Of course. Squeezing his boobies, calling him his radio dials all the time. You know, it's like, that's why she likes the camel better, because they're fucking their friends. When I wrote my first novel, I wanted the characters to be relatable. Yeah. And I also wanted there to be a camel in my first novel.

Well, I honestly wanted there to be a camel in my first novel. So what I did was I turned the camel actually into the main character, which I don't want to choose my own horn, so to speak, but it's something that's never been done in literature ever before. No stars! No star review! Sorry, I didn't read your book. I tend to not like them.

I love that book. It's a great book. You know how big a camel penis is? How big? 24 inches. Yeah, that scratches the cervix. That camel should become a sixth grade teacher. Camel sex ranges between 7 to 35 minutes and averages

about 11 to 15 minutes. That's a big gap. 7 to 35? It's covered by a triangular penal sheath that opens backwards. What do you mean open? I don't know. How much load does it shoot?

They can hold all that water. I'm sure they can hold a lot of cum. Well, at least you know that it won't be that acrid or bitter tasting to swallow. Oh, why wouldn't it be? I'm just saying because all the water in his system. No, I think the camel... All semen is going to taste very similar, I think. You think so?

I think so. I think so, Henry. When you step back and you stand in your own two shoes. I know that when I come into my own hands and I eat it, a lot of times what I like to do is mix different things. I eat different things and I drink different things to

create fun new flavors. Kind of like I'm a Ben and Jerry's. Right. So you eat Ben and Jerry's and then you come into your own hands and then you eat the... If it's an ice cream week. I'm saying I call myself a little miniature Ben and Jerry's. Define an in your own hands and then you eat the... If it's an ice cream week. I'm saying I call myself like a little miniature Ben and Jerry's. Define an ice cream week. When I'm eating nothing but ice cream and drinking nothing but beer. So you would define yourself as like sort of a factory.

Yeah, it's a Ben and Jerry's like beer ice cream factory. That's the thing. Yeah, if you drink nothing but beer all day long and smoke like a pack of cigarettes and eat nothing but ice cream, your cum tastes all fucking weird. I heard pineapples are good with that. Maybe if you eat some pineapple ice cream. Yeah, I should eat some pineapples and eat my own cum.

Pineapple beer. Let's see how it tastes. What was the name of that camel milk track? That fucking really good camel milk track. 9-1-1, the day of the murders. 9-1-1, the day that the murders. 9-1-1, the day that they died. Standing in your own two shoes. Man, that 9-11

memorial has got to not be funny. Alright. That is very true. I think it's a serious place that people go and they try to have a... I'm going to have to go soon. Very introspective. My parents are coming into town. So they're like, Woo! Just got off the plane.

Woo! Let's see that fucking 9-11 memorial. Yeah, let's go see the place. We're going to go. I hear you get 50% off of Baskin Robbins when you go there. I think the McNeelys are probably on the coupon game. Oh, your parents are coming to visit. They're big consumer reports people, yes.

And they are coming to visit. We should get them on the show. They should come and do the show. I would love to have your them on the show. They should come and do the show. I would love to have your mother on the show. And you just do all the things that you do. You get your parents on the show and be like, hey, mom, hey, dad, how's the fuck? That's what you call their sex.

You say, how's the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People would love it. All right. All right. All right, all right, all right. Oh, I guess you just invited old Tom's flat circle. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. fucking screen every once in a while. I will never sit in that seat, my friend. No, it's a gross seat. Worst seat in the house. One more story before we get to

holding segments. What's the segment, though? Action figures! Hour three of the round table of gentlemen. Stay tuned, little boys, and especially all you tiny little girls out there. If you're a girl out there, say what? And if you're a dude out there, say, what? And if you're a dude out there,

say, 9-11 was an inside job. Well, it wasn't an inside job. Okay. Alright, here's the story. These are sounds that I can make. No, no. That's great. This is good radio. Is Ira Glass

listening? Oh, I hope he could. This is our audition tape. On today's episode of This American Life, I'm trying to eat my own ass. On this episode of This American Life, we're covering the history of N-Birds and how we stole

all the good things from them. Okay. Well, that's great. Another liberal radio episode. Is the Greek in the cave turning into a hookah bar? Because I'm just hearing

bad shit music. Did someone forget to close the door? Did the door open out there? I can't hear anything. Is that the new camel milk? I'll turn it. I'll close it.

Jesus fucking Christ What is that awful music? It's loud That's pop music Oh Yeah that's what things Sound like these days Wait so that's not Soundgarden?

No What would it be then? What other Yeah Is it Mercy Playground Or Better Than Ezra? Yeah It's got a lot of them

Maybe it's a Jay-Z B-T-E-E Oh it might be a Jay-Z I remember that or Better Than Ezra? Yeah. Maybe it's a Jay-Z. Oh, it might be a Jay-Z. I remember that great Better Than Ezra song. If you want to call me baby, just go ahead and hit me. And I would walk 1,000 miles and I would walk 1,000. Great Soundgarden song. Turn that into a boy's dream. All right, Marcus, let's just do the news story,

then we'll get to the segment from Holden, and then technically this will be an episode of the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Yes, it will be. Here's the story. A Washington County jury decided on Friday that a man named Linus Norgren was... No, it's not. It's Linus Norgren.

He had a syndrome known as a permanent wedgie. Yeah, it sounds like he's a lion. He was found guilty of attempted murder and second-degree assault for his October 10, 2013 attack on a hunter on a remote hilltop. The men were strangers, though they lived near each other in Manning. Norgren, who has bipolar disorder, had stopped treatment shortly before the attack. The incident began when McDonald spotted Norgren naked and holding a saw near McDonald's ATV in the attack. The incident began when McDonald spotted Norgren naked and holding a saw near McDonald's ATV in the woods. Norgren left the saw and wrestled the hunter's rifle from him.

In closing arguments, Prosecutor Megan Johnson said that Norgren made his intention clear when he told McDonald in the midst of the struggle, Sasquatch kills the hunter. Oh! So cool. Donald in the midst of the struggle, Sasquatch kills the Hunter. Oh. So cool. Well, and that's why American Sniper, Chris Kyle. And that's called the Washington housewarming party.

I've heard that before. I can't wait to move to D.C. You know, Sasquatch kills the Hunter, but Sasquatch also loves the ladies. Oh, that's right. And Sasquatch feels bad about killing the Hunter the next day when he goes to jail. Hey, Mr. Sasquatch. Yeah? Oh, yeah. I was wondering if you wanted to come over for a BJ party?

Let me tell you this. I may be half monkey, I may be half person, but the one thing I know is that Sasquatch loves BJs. Break it up, boys. Break it up. 8 p.m it up, boys. Break it up. 8 p.m.

Park's closing. So sorry. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. Okay, Henry, you have to stop pretending to be Sasquatch now. I'll take this lipstick off right now. We were just having fun. It's a national park.

We rented the space for a barbecue, but instead we did Sasquatch loves BJ Party's sketch. Okay, Senator Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, you guys can go home now. Sir, would you like to come over for a quote-unquote cake? Yes. If the audience could... Gotcha! There's cum in the cake!

If the audience could see this right now, they'd be fucking losing their minds. Yeah. If only they had a fucking worm's eye view of my fucking life. But there's so much cum in this cake. I can't stop eating it. It's like a tres leches. Cool.

Tres leches. You ever seen a tres leches cake, man? Oh, man. It's soggy with cum. I didn't know that. What's that? It's called the three milks. The three milks?

Three milks. What's the third milk? So one's milk. The other one's cum. It's called the three milks. The three milks. What's the third milk? So one's milk, the other one's cum. What's the third milk? Milk again. Oh my goodness. Almond? Almond milk.

No, it's not almond milk. My girlfriend's got like eight different kinds of milk in the fridge, and I'm like, airplanes. It's because you're not satisfying her. Well, we don't want to bring that up. Let's leave that alone. We don't want to bring that up. Let's leave that alone. We don't want to move you back in with me. She's got almond milk. She's got coconut milk. She's got rice milk.

She's got fucking camel milk. 2015. Madison Square. God, we're doing three nights. New Year's. Opening up for the New York Rangers. It's going to be camel milk. The New York Rangers.

If you wear a pirate's hat, you pay double to get in. What was the follow-up single to 9-11, The Day of Murder? Can't Believe. Yeah, Can't Believe. How did that go again? Can't believe it's really a murder. Can't believe she's wearing shoes. a murder. Can't believe she's wearing

shoes. Can't believe when a man is a girl is the ninja clan coming. It'll blow your world. You need to switch up genres on the album. It's track to track. It's different feels. Simon and Garfunkel. It's almost like they have no quality

leadership or producer. No, Steely Dan produced that entire album. Yeah, very good. And not the band Steely Dan, just the man, Steely Dan produced that entire album. Yeah, yeah. Very good. And not the band Steely Dan, just a man named Steely Dan. His actual name is Mike, but he just looks really cold all the time. He's made of steel. And he also goes by

The Goon! Alright, so this story that we're on. Yeah, prosecutors said Norgren, a rock clenched in his fist, bashed the hunter in the head, sending him to the ground. Well, Sasquatch kills the hunter. Yes, yes, yes.

The prosecutors said when Mr. McDonald was unconscious, Linus Norgren, with unspeakable violence, caused two fractured and dislocated arms. He systematically and violently ripped Mr. McDonald's arms out of his torso. I love it. Naked the whole time. Nude. Sas's arms out of his torso. I love it. Naked the whole time. Nude. Sasquatch wouldn't wear pants.

You get a ticket from the Sasquatch police. Oh, absolutely. Clint Eastwood told that story fucking honestly, and I don't know why there was such a back. You know what the thing about that whole section of America's Sniper when he calls himself Sasquatch and kills the hunter? It's that fake baby. I know it.

I remember it. Don't get me started. I mean, this guy, I'm going to say that he is a Sasquatch. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he believed it. He called himself

a Sasquatch. He destroyed a man. If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck. I'm going to fuck it. Well, no. It's a Sasquatch. If it walks like a duck

and talks like a duck, it's a Sasquatch. Hey, if it's a fence, my fucking dick touches it. Yeah, that's true. And if it's a Sasquatch If it walks like a duck And talks like a duck It's a Sasquatch Hey if it's a fence My fucking dick touches it Yeah And if it's a duck My dick Is inside of it

And I fucking duck Right the corkscrew Yeah Well Norgren Was also hissing And making a noise Quote That made your stomach drop

I love it Well Who was there to hear that McDonald The guy who was getting His arms dislocated Because the guy On the stand They? McDonald, the guy who was getting his arms dislocated. Because the guy on the stand, they put McDonald on the stand and he said he was hissing and making a noise. And they asked him, what did the noise sound like?

I feel like the noise that would make my stomach drop is he kept going, the baby is yours. You're the father. You are the father. I'm a doctor. And you're the father. Why are you fucking that duck? Sasquatch fuck're the father. You are the father. I'm a doctor, and you're the father. Why are you fucking that duck? Sasquatch fucks the duck. Oh, I love that Metallica album.

Sasquatch fucks the duck. I think you mean Soundgarden. Oh, yeah. Metallica doesn't exist. I've never heard of Metallica. Better than Ezra. Worse than Mary-mer. Mer-mer. What?

Mer-mer, yes. That joke was the cleft lip of this episode. Leave the cleft lip people alone. If you want to touch my baby that's good. Do not. It's very sad. Did you know that 911 is also the number you dial when you need help? No.

What? Don't be an idiot, Holden. It's so weird because obviously it's not. I keep just dialing 49672497. That's the phone number of the Atlanta Braves. Bring David Justice back. Now pitching Henry Zabrowski. I was having heart palpitations. Next thing I know, I've called the Braves.

I'm in the starting lineup. It's game four of the World Series. And I've got to say, the pressure is mounting. How are you feeling, Greg? I'm actually interviewing you. Oh, that's weird. It's so weird. I kind of took it over and became a bit of a commentator there.

I've got to say, I don't know if I can make the ball reach the catcher. Right. You know we're in the dumpster, right? Sure. Your underpants are filled with butter. Have to be. I heard a whole wives tale that Cy Young used to do this and then, well, he became a legend and so...

We're like Cy Old. You're right. We gotta end that there. That's the zinger. That's terrible. Well, Norgren. Let's get to Norgren He finally Norgren passed out from Exhaustion and the

Prosecutors said and thank goodness It happened because Norgren was trying To kill him with his bare hands As a Sasquatch would do I love it though the hunter goes out there he's got his Gun he's probably you know full of deer piss Or whatever the hell animal he was hunting He didn't know he was going to see a Bigfoot that day.

He did not, but he actually did. This is the closest encounter to an actual Bigfoot I think we've ever actually seen. I think it's technically proof. Right. Yeah, totally. A man in the middle of a bipolar episode. This is my question. How big is his goddamn feet?

Hmm. Do we know? Sit in silence until he figures it out. Oh, my God. In silence. His lawyer's name, Norgren's lawyer's name, Bell Wilner Nugent. So no one can name their kids anymore, huh?

Yeah, we're just calling people whatever. Bell Wilner Nugent. Just a random series of letters. This is my kid, Tratatata. And this is my daughter Clacky. This is my son Jojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojojo The snow outside is fatter than the bride. The man on the moon. Incomprehensible is what the cast has become.

Where are the consonants in that phrase? Where are the consonants? No longer a show. Right. Well, I would argue that no one should be listening. I doubt that Mary has seen under her dress and many a moon. People have stopped listening to this show. They're certainly not taking any of these words with any serious weight.

And that's okay. So, Holden, I think that we're up to the portion of the show where you technically get to take over. You get a little bit of a hosting role here. And this is your segment time. Is he greedy? Incomprehensible. Why? But why?

So after I said what I said. Is he greedy? Is he not greedy? But we got it. You have to do it right. I have to do it. And now it's time for a segment from Hold McNeil. Oh, you like?

Okay. You must continue with the description of the segment. Action figures is not going to be the segment. I'm going to give you an option. A single choice. The matter of the mind can defeat the eye

if it thinks in the right angle. Holden is sitting on the tip of his own erect cock like it's a tripod. Why don't you pop that shirt off? Man's mind. Here's your option. Okay? Alright?

Option one. My life is in turmoil. You know what I mean? I'm fucking... I'm recently divorced. You're. My life is in turmoil. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I'm fucking, I'm living, I'm recently divorced. You're like the master free man with millions of dollars. Yeah, it is. Actually, wow. Yeah, it's pretty nice.

Wow, things are pretty fucking cool. I do. I got a lot of money and I'm single as a fucking bird. I'm waiting for someone to take advantage of me. Ladies, if you want to blow Henry up, you will accept it like a credit card. I am able to rent a helicopter for a 20 minute period. If you want to blow Henry off, you will accept it like a credit card. You'll be really awkward with it. I am able to rent a helicopter for a 20-minute period. That's great.

All right, so here's your choice, okay? Choice number one, your favorite memory from this episode. Marcus picks the best memory. Choice number two, create an imaginary friend for Marcus. He's lonely and he needs one. Which one do you want? We'll put it to a vote. What was the first one?

Between the three of you, okay? First one, your favorite memory from this episode. I might do that one. I want to do the favorite memory. Favorite memory from this episode? Okay, all three of us, sure. Okay, all three. All right.

Next week we'll do the imaginary friend. My favorite memory was Henry's butter joke. Thank you. Oh, Henry's Butter Joke. Thank you. My favorite memory was Henry's Butter Joke. Okay. Henry's Butter Joke has a favorite memory. I think

my favorite memory, let's see here. I like the idea of Bill Cosby causing 9-11, so I like that. That would be another Henry. Chris, what is your favorite memory? Well, first of all, guys, I want to talk about my least favorite memory. Okay.

Which was September 11th, 2001. Okay. I mean, I'd say, to be honest, it's like my third least favorite memory. Is that weird to say? Is that bad to say? It's actually not bad to say. I have definitely had, I have worse memories than 9-11.

Yeah, I dropped a hot dog on the street once. So then people laughed at you. That time I cut my Johnson open because I thought goblins were inside of it. Right, worse than 9-11. Chris, what was your favorite memory from this episode? Man, I just want to say my favorite memory from this episode is fucking,

I'm just like so, I'm like psyched, fucking psyched to fucking, guy, check out that fucking Camel Milk show in 2015. That's great. Camel Milk. The Camel Milk song, the Camel Milk band. All of it. All of it. Camel Milk. I'm like psyched, psyched.

My favorite memory of this show is when I realized I'm fucking single and loaded. So what happened just now? What happened just now? The madness of a man to go from sadness to ultimate peak. Henry is rich. He is single. You do look the way you look and you are who you are. It's all.

That's why it's even it out. He is single. You do look the way you look, and you are who you are. It's all, that's why it's, I'm even it out. Wait a second. Who just walked into the room? Oh, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Memory. What's your favorite memory, Arnold?

When I defeated the Terminator. So he wins then. What's it like to be governor? Legalize it. I fucked the maid. Did you just say legalize it? Yeah. Pedophilia.

He's talking about steroids. I don't even know. Or drive it dry. Legalize pedophilia. Am I right? You're so progressive, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Marcus, who won the best memory? I would say I liked the Bill Cosby because of 9-11 memory.

There's nothing wrong with truth. There's nothing wrong with it. All right, everyone. Thanks so much for listening. Chris Nestor, are you on Twitter and stuff like that? Oh, yeah. Blast out your Twitter info, dude. Real Chris Nestor.

Find me, man. Yo, and if you find me, tell me where I am. That's great. Cool. Of course, that's it. Henry loves you. And check out Murder Fist. Check out my handle.

You can catch me at the real Chris Nestor. Yeah. Yep. I'm at Ben Kissel. That's at Marcus Parks. And keep on supporting all the shows here on Cape Comedy Radio. Hey, thanks for having me on, guys. Getting the Ring's a good show.

Yeah. Getting the Ring. Getting the Ring. Last pod show. Yeah. Getting the Ring. Getting the Ring. Last pod. Last podcast, of course. Tip hit. Page seven's also very good. Grouchy's Burger Talk is great.

Grouchy's Burger Talk is really good. Yeah, that's that guy who calls everybody the word for... So we'll edit that out again. So that's two edits that Marcus has at least. More time. Yeah. And if anyone has an apartment for rent, get a hold of me. That's right.

Marcus needs a place to stay. Listen to all, go on iTunes and write comments and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And if you get a chance, there's a new podcast. It's called Milks and Butters. And it's Johnny Milks and Clarence Butters. And they just are a couple of real crackheads.

Zero stars on iTunes. We'll talk to you all soon.