The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 236: Walking On Broken Glass

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: another serial pooper shows up in Akron, a bride dumps a groom at the altar for being unable to do simple arithmetic, and a 75 year old woman chokes a rabid raccoon to death. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski and Micah Sherman!

Hey, Roundtable listeners, we're looking to get some sponsors for the show, so if you want to help us out, go to surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. That's surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. And you can help us out by just giving us some of your information, and we can take some potential sponsors. Now, on with the Roundtable. The Roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch

what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the roundtable. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. All right, Jackie, you're actually praying today. All right, all right, all right.

Okay, let's get the energy up. Micah, as a matter of fact, Micah, do you want to lead us in a prayer with an improv game? Oh, yeah, that sounds appropriate. Okay, great. Does that mean we all have to... I don't understand. We have to do the improv game that he's going to tell us to do. Are we recording right now?

Yeah. Oh. Marcus, you have to do it, too. Okay. All right. Okay, we ready? Sure. Okay.

Have we started? Okay. Oh, no. Hey! All right! Yeah! Yes. Yes. Woo-hoo! Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Yeah! Hey, everybody! Hi! I need a suggestion of a god. Sex. Sex! I heard sex. Yep, sex.

All right. So, dear sex, I want to thank you so much for being a part of my life from time to time. Orgasms. I heard orgasms. 9-11 was an inside job. Sometimes when you're having sex, you realize 9-11 was an inside job. Yeah, that's mine.

That was mine. My suggestion. Thanks very much. We've been the passionate priests. Amen. Amen. Great prayer. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody.

Sitting in for Ed Larson is, of course, Micah Sherman. Hey, everybody. That's great. Good impression of Ed, Ed. Micah's scaring me. Nailed it. Yarr, matey. My name's Ed. I hate such a pirate. Nailed it. Yarr, matey, my name's Ed.

I like that. He's such a pirate. Pirate Ed. I feel like Ed is now a mixture of the Cookie Monster and Grover. Mouth always open. Unhealthy eating habits and he lives in a garbage can. That is true. Yeah, but he flies.

Super Grover. Oh, yeah. Also, I don't think Grover lived in a garbage can. Didn't he. Yeah, but he flies. Super Grover. Oh, yeah. Also, I don't think Grover lived in a garbage can. Didn't he? No, that was Oscar. Oh, Oscar lived in... Wait, but she said Oscar. No, no. Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster and Grover, not Oscar the Grouch. Yeah. I stand corrected. Although,

I would probably throw an Oscar the Grouch in there. Mmm. There you go. Thank you, Michael. Thank you so much Very good We jammin' Okay We jammin' I want to jammin' with you

Kevin just got back I just got back from Jamaica Oh I know man I'm so sorry for your loss Oh yeah It was rough Go ahead and do caricatures Of my people

Bob Marley's not from Jamaica Where is he from? Go ahead and do caricatures of my people. Bob Marley's not from Jamaica. Where is he from? He's one of ours. He's an American man. Right. All right, Jackie, you're here. Yeah, I'm here.

Man, I wish I could go to Jamaica for funerals. That's fucking awesome. How was it, man? Terrible, man. It was bad. Oh. My family, I was telling Ben, like I said, the same shit. Anything they do is a test of endurance.

So everybody goes up there and is talking for way too long. Everybody's trying to make all these jokes and fucking bullshit memories. Yes, the church was hot, man. I'm sure the church was hot. It was Jamaica. It was hot as shit. Which one of your family members killed the funeral the most? Like, who did very, very well up there? Who were you worried that they were going to take your spot as the comedian of the family?

Uncle Junior, man. Oh, he nailed it. Uncle Junior? What were his bits all about? Is there an Uncle Senior? Well, it has to be. He might be the one who died. We don't know. Yeah, no, he was just saying a bunch of bullshit,

man. Jamaican shit, man. He was yelling. I just love thinking about that hot as fuck church, man. That must have been a nightmare. Four and a half hours sitting there. Oh my god. Yeah. Did they have fans or anything?

No, man. We were just hot. Did you have the playbills, though, to fan yourselves with? We did have those. Yeah. That's nice. So it was an open casket, a hot Jamaican funeral, and then was your grandfather's body just melting in front of you? Pretty much.

It was my grandmother, though. Oh, it was your grandmother. Yeah. Sad. Do corpses sweat? They're more waxy than anything. Do candles sweat? Ooh, more waxy than anything. Do candles sweat?

Ooh, good question. No, but they cry. In my extensive experience with corpses, I would say that when they're hot and they need to cool down, they'll just bleed out of their eyes and chase you around the kitchen. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I imagine they must seep embalming fluid at some point.

Right? There's got to be seepage. Kevin? Probably. I'm not talking about your grandmother. Your grandmother, I'm sure, is tight as an anus. Hey, listen, man. We're just being scientific.

Yeah, yeah. No, we're just talking about the science behind it. But I'm sorry that you had to go down there. Oh, it's all good. All right. Kevin, you're here. Your grandmother is dead. Everyone feels bad about the science behind it. But I'm sorry that you had to go down there. It's all good. All right, Kevin, you're here. Your grandmother is dead.

Everyone feels bad about the whole situation. All right. You know what the most fucked up part about it is? And this just shows how fucked up everybody is. The day I found out that she died, like I was in the office and I found out she died. And Jermaine was by me and Josh was by me. And I told him and he was like, damn. Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Then like five minutes later, he's looking up at me. He's like, but your grandma is dead. And my grandma is being played by Whoopi Goldberg on ABC. That's great. Jermaine sold his show to ABC. I'm going to go audition for it tomorrow. So am I. Are we auditioning for the same role?

Not the bartender. Is there a lumpy bartender? Are you the bartender? I'm going for the bartender. I'm going to fucking rape your ass. It's a man's role. Kevin, it's a man's role. Kevin, you have been in the audition process. I think we need to hear Jackie's best bartender impersonation

followed by Holden's. Kevin, you are the judger. Jackie Zabrowski, I want a whiskey sour. No, I can't do it now because I can't give Holden my tips. Oh, I got it. What is it? Ha ha, yeah. If you're playing tonsil hockey.

Nice. Oh, no. That was great. He's got it, guys. Ha ha yeah If you're playing tonsil hockey Nice Oh no That was great He's got it guys I don't even know where you're going for the audition I'm amazed you guys are going out for the same part Yeah I know Why?

It's a man's role Clearly It's a gay man's role I mean it says bartender It's a gay man's role I know I hit up Jermaine about it Yeah it doesn't make any sense I was like you know it's a gay man's role

He's like yeah no Yeah He even says He even calls him Mansrell. He's like, yeah, no. Yeah. He even says, he even calls him. Yeah, he talks, he's like, hey, cheekbones. Yeah. Yeah, I know. He's like, yeah, you do whatever you want to do with it.

Have we introduced myself? No, because you took so long. Hold the naders. Checking knees. Shermanators. Sherman. Are you a masternator? Find out very soon. I will be posting the questions on

Facebook. I need photographic evidence. Be a masternator. Man, you are going to get pics you don't want to get. Yep. They're going to be great. Kevin, you're here. I'm here, man. You're the only successful one. Yeah. Alright. I walked in here with a trench

coat on. No, that's true. I walked in here with a trench coat on. No, that's true. Okay. I just bought a trench coat. All right. Micah, you're very successful as well. Thank you. No problem. Okay, Marcus, let's do a news story.

A father of three scribbled a penis on a wall at an Australian court to, quote, make his children laugh. Attaboy. in court to, quote, make his children laugh. Darren McMillan, 34, drew the 20-inch image and the word dictation in the presence of his two daughters and son, aged between 9 and 13. Magistrate Gerald Lurthbridge said the man who pleaded guilty to criminal damage at Ballarat Magistrate's Court in Australia was setting a bizarre example to his young children. 20 inches. That's a lot.

That's a big fake penis there. That is a bizarre example. Were there balls on the dick? I think there were probably balls on the dick. But they were on the top of the dick, so it made no sense. They looked like mouse ears. That's why it was a bizarre example. That's funny.

Was there a little bow in between so it was a Minnie Mouse dick? It was. I've been really funny today. Henry's here. Ladies and gentlemen, Henry Zebrowski has arrived after his meeting with New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. You know what was weird is that when we were sitting down there, a man stabbed a pregnant woman in the lobby of Gracie Mansion, and then he gave that man $5. Isn't that something? I arrived.

I expected to take Ed's place. Ed specifically texted me at 3.45 in the morning to make sure I'd be here. Good. See, Ed neglected to tell the rest of us. Cool, cool. No, good, good. I'm prepared.

Yeah, no, Ed is a great businessman because that's when business interaction should happen around 3.45 in the morning. I got up to 26 text messages from him from about the times of 3 to 6 a.m. Yep. I was a part of that chain. It's always nice to know when he's doing cocaine. It was obviously last night.

But that's great. So we have this news story that's happening. But now this is actually a big story, Henry. You got to meet with Mayor Bill de Blasio notoriously late. Was he late when you met with him uh yes he was okay how late was he 20 minutes that's his standard 20 minute time he is always like he's the mayor okay we were shooting a sketch this is not like he was trying to fish an old woman out of a sewer grate nobody's late to that as well but i mean he was he. He's late to a lot of memorials. He's late to a lot of places where people want their mayor

to be there on time because they're mourning the death of their son. Well, let's explore that sewer grate scenario. I'm just saying that sometimes their mayor is required one out of every 20 person trapped in a sewer grate story, he has to go take care of it himself. Because it happens 40 times a year.

Absolutely. And so half that time. The slats are too wide. You being racist? No, the slats of the group. Kind of a funny joke. Henry, I can't help but notice you're wearing some fancy new boots. Yes, I am. Look at those things. I am recently moneyed.

That's great. Meeting with the mayor, making cash, spending that cash, keeping the system going. So obviously, you know, the fans of the last podcast want to know, did you confront him about the reptilian agenda? There was a room I was not allowed to enter. And I asked why I couldn't go in there. And they said, because you can't go in there. And so I assume that's the fucking egg sacrum. Man, that's such a cop response. It's like, well, you're not supposed to go in there.

He was there just like, well, it's closed for a reason, isn't it? Did your hand burn when you touched him? No, no, no. We had a great rapport. We laughed and joked together. He laughed at my jokes. That's great. He's so tall.

He is quite tall. Did you do cocaine with him? I plead the fifth. Did you watch his wife have lesbian sex? I plead the fifth. Did you meet Shirlane? Shirlane was there, but she was doing this thing, I guess, every Sunday

she plays human table where she walks around on her fucking hands and knees and they put drinks on her fucking knees. That's so much fun. I wish I had a human table. Sounds like a human tortoise type things there. Really a shame. Yeah. Really a shame that that woman has that done to her.

She chooses it. Give me a fucking break. She didn't choose it. Shirlane does anything she wants to fucking do. I heard that. Absolutely. Marcus, so the guy is fine. He's got the kids. There's a penis on the wall, and all is good. Let's move on to another cereal pooper story. Yeah.

I heard about this new guy. We've got another cereal pooper on the loose. Don't act so fucking jaded about it. He's blasé about it. Oh, my God. Oh, another cereal pooper. Marcus is sensitive today. All right?

Marcus is not sensitive today. Apparently Marcus is sensitive, but he's not sensitive. Reality is a funny way of when you state it, it becomes real. I am skinny. That is the problem. It is a collective reality and we all can see how fucking huge you are. You monster. Okay.

Nice barb. Wow. We are ribbing each other today. Jackie, what's it like being Henry's sister? I love it. We just laugh and we laugh and we laugh. We do have a good time. Yeah.

Sometimes. Yeah, when I'm not banging dad. Weird I even said it. That is funny. It made my ears go chalky. Don't like that I thought that. Yeah, I'm upset you said it. Who plays the cop and who plays the prisoner?

No, Henry plays the nightstick. Oh. And we call my daddy the holster. Oh, my goodness. Oh, I'm still upset about it. I don't want to keep talking about it. He's pulling on his hips. He's pulling on his hips.

He has no hips. Same body. Right. It'd be like me fucking myself. Right, yeah. Which you would love. Ooh, God, I'd treat me fucking right, because I know exactly how to suck my dick. Cool.

Little poopy Zebrowski. Very cool. I'm done. Bringing a lot to the table here, Henry. I love it. You met with the mayor. He's discussing. A lot poopy Zebrowski. Very cool. I'm done. I'm done. You're bringing a lot to the table here, Henry. I love it. You met with the mayor. A lot of specifics there. That's awesome.

What a roller coaster of a day you've had. Yeah, met with one of the most powerful people in New York, and then you just equated yourself to a nightstick that was going to be injected into your father's butthole. He's a hug of a bug. There are thousands of people. I really hope that I bring de Blasio down. It's for his charity, the video.

Oh, is it? What's his charity? Inner Circle, which is good and fucking mysterious. What? Inner Circle? AIDS kids? Diabetes. Diabetes. Why did your management think that you were the one that should meet him? Didn't even get that from a management.

Got him from a random dude. Sent me the email. Thought it was a prank until I showed up at Gracie Mansion this morning. I can't believe you were at Gracie Mansion. I went inside of there. What did it smell like? It smelled like Dinkins. It still smells like Dinkins. It still smells like Dinkins.

I think so. Oh, yeah. Wait, what does the Inner Circle do, though? Inner Circle is a charity that's been around for, like, literally 100 years, where every year they do, like, a correspondence dinner where every mayor of New York ever goes and people make fun of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a white tie event.

What's it giving money for? That's why I said AIDS kids. It gives it to the next mayor. It's money that is built up that it just gives it to the next mayor and they can't spend it. This is the most sold out thing you've ever done. You started a sitcom

that was a rom-com sitcom. It's for kids who have taste blindness or something. It's for kids who have taste blindness or something. It's for something fucking dumb. That would be awful. They eat cake and they think it tastes like burger. Yeah, and they're like, Yeah, but they don't know what burger tastes like.

Exactly, because they're like, you're just saying fucking words, Timothy. Whatever. We can't trust you anymore, Henry. You've seen the inside of the beast. Now you're in the inner circle. You've become one of them. Yeah, dude. I got fucking money for that. I actually did, and I donated it to the charity. Marcus has been Googling this for the past three minutes,

and he's on page six now. I'm not coming up with nothing as far as who they are. All I know, okay, one, it's called the Inner Circle Society. They said something like it's a shade beyond human and that there are nine dimensions and we're of four and i was like what and he's like there's nine elements that we sell everybody this for but there's nine elements to all reality and i was like there's something called ultra plasma and i was like what and then he was like we have granola bars so fucking stuck to that so was this a good episode up until I arrived?

No, it's been awful. It's been terrible. It's probably been one of the worst episodes we've ever recorded. This has been an awful episode. We don't know what we're doing, man. No one knows what we're doing. Yeah, we're trying so hard to riff. I liked it!

Yeah, Eddie! That's here. So, that's good. It's been awful. Yeah, I would say, I mean, honestly, this is probably, what do you think? Maybe our top five worst? Top three worst. Yeah. I would say I mean honestly this is probably What do you think maybe our top five worst Top three worst But last week's was like technically

Like unlistenable Last week's yeah Marcus had to cut out a bunch of the racist things No no that was only because Of the context of the video Of the episode So because of the context of the Oklahoma State University video Where they were saying racist things on the bus, we had to cut out a lot of your segments, Henry.

No, just one specific segment that was a joke I told. How deep into this atrocity are we? It's like, what are we doing? What are we doing right now? We're about like half in. Whoa! Just got to make this another episode. You know what, Marcus? Let're about like half in. Whoa! Oh, yeah, we just got to make this another one. You know what, Marcus?

Let's do another news story. Police are looking to the public for help identifying a man believed responsible for a series of bizarre vandalisms in one Akron, Ohio neighborhood over the last three years. This guy's a fucking poser. Oh, yeah? He's believed to be... Yeah! Yeah, fake enthusiasm! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Hold in your best fake enthusiasm right now. Oh, yeah! That's right, Kevin. Oh, yeah! Yeah, baby! That's good. Well, this cereal pooper is believed to have left as many as

100 defecations at various locations around the How'd they tie all of them together to the same man? Well, you know what? If you'd shut up and let me speak. Oh, yeah! Marcus is very sensitive tonight. Marcus is sensitive tonight.

Marcus is insanely sensitive tonight. Very sensitive. I had too much coffee this morning. It's just carried on to the rest of the day. We need to put some oil on his hands. Do we have any oils? Should we cancel it? Yeah, should we just cancel the whole

thing? We're in it. Maybe if I talk backwards, I'll make more sense. Can you start doing that? Can you say it? Those fucking words. No, he was. You asshole. That was a funny joke. I say we try this oiling up Marcus's hands thing and start all over. See how good it is.

It should make a difference. We'll slide on Marcus around the room. Yeah. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. On today's episode, Marcus is full of oil being slid all around the room. I've got rug burns. Okay. Nope.

Just as bad as it was before. Well, this guy shat on cars, front lawns, and even children's toys. My middle name is Thomas. Isn't that something? And that's actually true. Henry Thomas. You know what's amazing? Oh my God. Can I do ask a serious question? How do they all tie it to one man?

Well, let's see here. They tie it to one man because they have surveillance footage. So this guy, is he wearing a mask or is he just wearing the same outfit or something? Here's a picture of him. Just taking dumps on cars. Oh, his testicles are on that car. Yeah.

And it is snowy outside. Man. We used to take dumps on cars all the time when we were in middle school, and it was a great revenge on the wealthy people of Stevens Point, Wisconsin. Can you feel this guy is doing a very good job? This guy is not in middle school. This guy is middle-aged. Yes.

Wow, he's got some fucking hangers, huh? He's got nothing else going on. Is that Ed? No, he doesn't have the hair. That guy's got some muscular legs. That's like a horse leg. Well, he's got a lot of squatting practice. This is my question.

Is this like a Dadaist thing? Is this an anti-government thing? Or is this just a sh and non-things thing? I think it's a shit and non-things thing. This guy's a poser. By definition, he's not a poser. By definition, he is and his pose is a squat. But he's actually shitty.

I mean, if he was a poser, he would pose and not shit. He's a doer. No, no, because he's biting off the other guy's fucking shtick. No, the other guy was pooping on slides. He's a poser and a doer. He squats and doos. Oh, he doos.

Yeah, he loves doing good. I agree. The other guy was just shitting on slides, which is very funny because then kids go down them theoretically. Extra slippery then for him. He knows what he's doing. He don't get thighs like that from pretending. That happened to me one time.

It's some real shit. I slid down a slide and threw a lot of bum pee. Really? How'd that make you feel? Bad? How old were you? 19? I shouldn't have been on that.

Yeah, you were told to be on the fucking slide. That's your fucking problem. You're the poser. I was posing as a child. How do you shit at that angle, though? One resident said that the guy defecated on their vehicle eight times since last fall. What did he do wrong? The person whose car got shit on did something wrong.

I feel like the only way I could respect him is if he shat in the form of the words, Kiss me, I'm Irish, on the car. I mean, I love it. I feel like the poo-poo is the best revenge on the 1%. Everyone wants to go break their windows and do really vandalism and really drastic things. Legislation could be...

Of course, we could actually go through the government and the courts and things, but really, the best revenge is to simply go back to way back in the day and just use your human dookie. I mean, it's what prisoners use. I like human shit as a form of revenge. It's the best weapon.

It's as old as time. We all have it. We all have to do it. We all do it every day. The key is the placement of it can ruin someone's whole month. Yep. That's true. That's the beauty of it.

I did actually earlier today on my way here saw an old man's penis. What do you mean? Because he took, I think he had taken a bunch of the cans specifically out of my trash because our can, like we constantly fill with beer cans. Right. So our like recycling bin is a gold mine for the homeless people in the neighborhood. But he had our- It's a nickel mine.

I mean, it's a good amount. He was outside of our apartment and and it was, like, in our bag. The bag was open, and he had his dick in his hands, and he was pissing inside of the bag. So why? He's putting money on money, you know? Why did he do that? Also, it was just so wrinkled. I'll make a water balloon.

Yeah, describe his penis. It was, like, he had a very hairy white bush. And the man looked at me like he was sad about what he was doing. He knew what he was doing. But it was still light out, looking at me, holding his dick, pissed it into a bag of cans. And was the hair on the top of his head gray as well, or just the bush hair? It was white. No, it was all white. He had almost no hair.

Do you still make money on the cans? I don't know. You can put those in the machine. Why did he look me in the eyes though? His expression was that of apology. I have to do this. You don't have to do this.

The health of the world lies in the balance. He was so upset with himself. He should have been. He fucking should have been. Well, I guess this is somewhat, I guess this is more of a service to the community because he's pissing in the bag rather than pissing on the street. I'd rather piss on the street.

Between two cars so nobody sees your floppy old man fucking bookmark. Oh, it was so flaccid. It looks like it'd be run over with a car. Well, you never know when you're gonna find your wife. You never know when you're gonna meet her. I was in the financial district, and I was on the phone, and I see these two, like, well-to-do sort of southern women with a big New York

map walking down the street, and it was literally I hear them go like, oh, God! Oh, my God! And then look, and there's a man covered in what can only be soot. Fully, and he was visibly, let's be generous and say mentally handicapped. And he had his dick in his hands

and he was pissing all over a trash can. His pants were around his ankles and his dick in his hands. And he had that same look on his face of the, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Which I think is just like, it's like sad It is sad

Well I told you about the guy taking a shit I was walking up the stairs out of Times Square Off the inn And there was a dude you had to walk right by him He was in that tiny corridor when you're walking up the stairs This big fat guy taking a shit And it was so gross And it was just profuse

It was just coming out Was he giving you sorry eyes? No no no you know what he said? Because I think some lady ahead of me went like, oh my God, you know? And he went, no one cares about me, lady. And it was like the most disturbing image I've ever seen. Now I can laugh at it, but I mean,

I ran up those stairs like a squirrel up a tree, dude. I saw an old man in a vestibule of a CVS all covered his own shit, and he gave the same story. I just hate that. I just like, you know what? If I ever get to a point when I'm 80, I shit my own... Be happy about it. I literally just go like... I'd rather see that guy. Yeah, I'd rather see that guy. I mean, he didn't give a...

The guy I walked by did not give a fuck. Obviously not. No, no. He was very easygoing. And everybody was just like... Because it was in a position. He was in a position where you wouldn't know he was there. You wouldn't know to go to a different stairwell until you were in too deep. Until you were already halfway up his hair. A runny dookie, a solid dookie. What's the diet?

Runny, runny, runny, brother. Oh, man. Yikes. Speaking of runny poop, this guy in the story is standing on the ground and bent over the hood of a coupe. A 2004 Dodge Neon. Thank you. Coupe rides with poop. Which is a great car to take a dump on.

Oh, I agree 100%. But I feel like in a more effective way is to get that poop nice and runny. Yeah. And to stand on the hood of the car and poop at the top of the windshield. Ben, did you? You don't want to vandalize the car. You don't want to vandalize the car. He did take it a little further.

He also smeared excrement on door handles and even entered the unlocked cars and pooped inside. Oh, that's good. That's the ticket. There's coming a real Lex Poother over there. I won't laugh. That's a good super villain name. Although that's a great idea. I feel like that's the way to get away with it.

You shit on the ground. You take the shit and put it behind the door handles of the car. You shit in an icing bag. And you fucking make designs in a fucking icing bag. And you can get the tips. And you can do all the shit you want.

You can do the swastika like you really want to do. You can do a fucking smiley face And you can get the tips. And you can do all the shit you want. You can do the swastika like you really want to do. You can do a fucking smiley face like you really want to do. Or you shit at home and stay there. Yeah, that's another idea. No, but you want to dump on the car and you want to make it a solid dump so the person knows that you meant it and you ate for it and you were prepared for it. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

Like, I should be dumping on a car. We should. I mean, you had to do it in middle school. If you did it any older than that, you're unreasonable. I could get up on a car. I don't know, Jackie. You're having a hard problem sitting there right now. Can you imagine me even trying to get up on the hood of a car?

I mean, the best place to take a dump is inside of the car, right underneath the passenger seat or the driver's seat. So then they have to dig down there. What's the smell? And then they get the shit on their hands. That's impossible to do. See, I say sunroof, man. Because you can lay down. You can lay down and take a fat shit, man.

Oh, yeah. Or the glove compartment, because you can sit and relax. And then it's all over the insurance and the registration and they're going to have to deal with that for months to come. That's a way to show them. But at Sunroof, man, you can do it while you're getting your dick sucked. Oh, true. I didn't even think about that. You can get

your dick sucked while you're on top of the car. That's the best part because all you have to do is find a broken woman and have her crawl up in the hood of a car. Sure. Why are you looking at me? I'm not looking at you because I fucking have...

I believe in you, Jackie. Thank you. And I think that you could be president if you could fucking get your shit together. Okay, well, let's not bring Danny Olenek to that. Danny wants nothing to do with this. Oh, Mexico. And he wants nothing to do with this. Is that part of the episode where we sing Walking on Broken Glass?

I love that song. I'm just saying if we... You could also, with the sunroof thing, you could get fellated while wearing like a bronze fedora. Get your fucking dicks out, dude. You can wear whatever you want. You can wear anything you want. Look, you can do whatever you want. You know what you do is you rent a car and you set it all up. You rent a car, you have a driver drive you in front of important

locations, places you want to shame like the fucking Lego store. Why the Lego store? I'm just saying the M&M store. You go out in front of there, do it in front of there with one of the big fucking head masks like you're fucking the green M&M, getting blown, taking a dump inside your own fucking car.

Oh, with one of those golf club extenders for your GoPro. While you're pooping. That would be great. The selfie taken while doing the poopy on the car. Oh, man. It needs to be done. I was just at a thing where people were taking a bunch of pictures and this old lady goes,

Hey everybody, let's take a groupie. Isn't that cute? She was like, let's take a groupie. She kept saying let's take a groupie. Kevin, your thoughts on groupie? That shit hurt me to my soul. Yeah, I want no parts of that.

You mean take a goddamn picture. That's what you mean. You mean a fucking picture. You know, here in the year 2045, the seas will swallow the cities. Yeah. Yeah. Walking on broken glass. We should probably do something about climate

change, but that's not for us to solve. I think it is for us to fucking solve. You should have talked to de Blasio about it, you solve. I think it is for us to fucking solve. Well, how do you solve it? You should have talked to de Blasio about it, you asshole. I tried to talk to de Blasio about it, but all he wanted to talk about was getting his dick sucked by his wife. I'm sure she's done that quite a bit.

Charlene. I doubt it. She has never touched him. She's never, ever. No, they have those two beautiful children. Well, right. That doesn't require him touching her nor her touching him.

There's ways to procreate without human contact. They are sexy children, though. His daughter is hot. I think they fuck each other. They're not as young, right? No, Dante's 18. Yeah, they're teens. What's wrong with you?

Yeah, a girl's got a dream. That's right. I guarantee you, with you? No, they're hot. Yeah, a girl's got a dream. That's right. I guarantee you, if you met Dante, did you tell Bill about Jackie? And maybe Dante and Jackie could go out sometime? I wanted him to consider me like an orphan of the city so he could take care of me. You were like Pip. What? Pip from...

South Park. Charles Dickens. Oh, Charles Dickens. Great expectations. Great expectations. Great expectations. I don't read books with authors that names sound like tiny cocks. Yeah, Henry. That's funny.

Yeah, man. So when are we starting the episode, Marcus? When do we start? Like 20 minutes from now. Hold on. That's why I don't read John Grisham. Grisham. Grisham. Humorous and funny.

Let's start it up. Everything is just working today. Shit is just hitting. Yeah, man. I'm feeling on top of the world. Marcus makes it work in the ending. In the ending. He puts the jokes where they go.

But what about the live stream? Oh, it's fine. How live stream people do it? How are they? Have they given up yet? Are they asking for forgiveness? No. No, everybody's lonely.

They're looking for voices in the dark. No, our fans are not lonely. They have a bunch of different loves. Well, let's hear it on the chat. Who's the saddest fan? Who's the saddest fan? Yeah, who on the chat is the saddest fan? Come on.

Saddest fan and why? And then I want to hear the happiest fan. We have two sad fans in the room. They are not sad. They're having a great time. Here's what we do, man. Here's how we save this episode. We put it up.

Roundtable, gentlemen. Whatever episode this is. And then we just upload Benny and the Jets on loop for an hour. Benny and the Jets. I love an hour. Benny and the Jets. I love that song. Everybody will be happy, man. I have a confession to make. Roundtable confession.

I'm the Riddler. My real name is Enigma. All right. What's wrong with you? All right, you're off the show. Riddle me this, Ben. How long is a pocket watch? Shut up.

I hate this. I hate this. Bring back, what's his name? Mexican Pete. I think we've got a sad fan. There's a guy that's drinking a Mickey's in Lubbock, Texas right now by himself. It's a viewhead, not living the dream. I was so excited to come on the podcast today.

It's been months since I've been on. It's the first time that the live chat's been months since I've been on. It's the first time that the live chat has been on since I've been here. And I got to do the prayer. And I got to sit in for somebody. And then Henry comes in. That's the whole thing. Ruined it all.

Thank God. He made it much worse than it was going to be. That's the thing. My goal is to take it at one level. I bring it down about three, four other levels to the point, I just want it to be like a, you know when you got a toothache and you just kind of jam your finger

in it? Yeah. You're the finger. I'm the big fat stinky weedly finger. Hard rooty tooth. That's right, Henry, you ruined it. Ice came all the way hard, rooty tooth. That's right, Henry, you ruined it. I came all the way here from the mayor's office.

From Gracie. Where is Gracie Manor? It's on this weird floating fucking island above New York City. That's fucking awesome. So you went to heaven today? Yeah, I went to heaven today. The best thing is...

What's that, Michael? I was going to ask if heaven was going... to heaven today? Yeah, I went to heaven today. The best thing is it's just... What's that, Michael? I was going to ask if heaven was going... That's a helicopter sound. Walking on broken glass. Everyone loves that song. Riddle me this. I don't.

Is Annie Lennox Pee Wee Herman? No, she is not. No, no, no, no. Bill Hicks is Alex Jones. Annie Lennox is not Pee Wee Herman. I saw this old fat woman reading a Bill Hicks bio on the train today, and I was like, good for you. So, Marcus, what's the next news story?

Let's go to India for our next news story. Over to India. A groom had to return home without his bride from a marriage hall in India after he failed to solve a simple mathematical problem. The bride-to-be got suspicious of the groom's educational qualifications. Her cousins asked the groom to solve a simple mathematical question. What is 15 plus 6? Ooh, that's tough.

The groom failed to give the correct answer, telling her 17, and the girl refused to marry him. I love it. How did he put on his shoes? 15 plus 6. Micah, what's the answer? If you answer correctly, you could be a husband the answer is 21

what is the nailed it those cousins are fucking dicks what kind of person what kind of human does that to a man it was an arranged marriage

and they showed up. Arranged marriages are great. Well, she showed up and met the guy. Did he say he was a genius? He did not come saying that he was a genius, but it was very obvious when he showed up that he was a bit of a dullard. Riri, was he a

one of them? Was he a Oh, is he a softhead? He could be. Was he a Is he a soft head He could be Was he a dullard He might be a dullard We don't know specifically what kind of dullard Sponge head Possibly a sponge head

Wouldn't a sponge head be someone who retains a lot of knowledge Nah nah nah I'm talking about dry ass sponge head Dry sponge head Oh okay yeah You ever hear that if you put a sponge in a microwave I'm talking about dry ass sponge heads. Oh, dry sponge heads. Yeah, dry sponge heads. Oh, okay, yeah. I'm talking about, you ever hear that if you put a sponge in a microwave, it dissolves all the bacteria on it? Oh, I've done it.

Yeah, you do that. I've been doing that, but sometimes if you put it in for too long, it burns the sponge. I hate you. You should try putting it in the oven. That's the worst. That's the worst thing I've ever seen on a podcast. I am on fire, guys. Here's the thing. Ben's left the room. Ben's left the room

Ben has left the room either to go to the bathroom or just wallow or whatever but it has devolved into us just laughing There's nobody to be like, hey guys let's do a thing Let's move it along There was the bride and India

Bam! Hey! That's the most fun everybody's ever been to. Hello, I'm back. We had a really great conversation. It was about sponges. Jackie burned a sponge.

Jackie burned a sponge. I love doing this show every Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. I was just in the bathroom. I had to take a pee-pee but while I was pissing in the sink I looked at my abs In the mirror and I don't have one yet So I've lost some weight You pissed in the sink?

What? No no no Why are you pissing in the sink man? No I wasn't pissing in the sink This is a public establishment This is a restaurant No no no You misunderstood me You misunderstood me established me. No, no, no. I wasn't pissed. This is a restaurant. No, no, no, no, no. Right there where chefs have to wash

their hands in that fucking bathroom. Okay. Let me read you this. So I was in the bathroom. I was pissing in the sink and I was looking

at my ass in the mirror. You didn't fix it. I'm about to cut that out, you know. I'm peeing in the garbage can. That's not... I bet we were just talking about

homeless people. Are you fucking a bear? I bet we were just talking about sad, homeless people who piss in garbage cans. That's not that. We were just talking about homeless people. I bet we were just talking about sad homeless people who piss in garbage cans. I thought this was a satirical podcast

where the words that come out of people's minds are brains are supposed to be humorous and not necessarily telling the truth.

I pee in the toilet. Thank you, Ben. We all appreciate it here. No problem. You have to say

that now as a caveat every single time you go to the bathroom. Why would I piss in the sink? Because you're an animal. Yeah, you're tall enough. He's so tall.

I can't piss in the sink. I'm six foot tall. I'm still not tall enough to piss in the sink. You know what I've been doing? I did not realize. I take the top of the toilet off, and I squat over it, and I let my dick dangle down, and I pee into the tank. You know what I do is I kneel in front of the toilet and I put my

penis on the rim of the bowl and then I just smash! Smash the seat on top! Smash it! That's how you make the milky milk. What I do is I get on my hands and knees and I don't pee, I just drink the water. So I think we all know how to use

the bathroom. We've all been in the bathroom. I'm the asshole. I apologize. The point is we're all using the toilet, man. I got to say that. I'm the animal. I'm sorry.

I'm a savage. It smells illegal in there, though. I do have to say in the creek bathroom. Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. It's all right. They're not making tacos next to the fucking bathroom.

They are. Yes, not. They are. They're on two separate floors. They are. And, of course, it's a great restaurant. Come to the Creek and the Cave whenever you want California-style Mexican. Okay, Marcus.

It's California-style Mexican. That's what it's called. You just said it in such a derogatory way. How did that sound bad? I didn't take it derogatory. I took it in a way that my penis sucked up into my pelvis. It was like California style. Give it a take two, Ben.

Come on. Sell the rest of it. Put a smile behind it and make it pop. He's smiling. Put some energy into it. Come on down to the creek and the cave. Try some California-style Mexican. That was better.

Yeah, that was good. The president's feedback is that the announcer sounds like he has a gun to his head. So we're going to... He's perfect. Perfect. Good. All right. Well, what did I miss while I was taking my traditional...

Spongebob. Spongebob. I told you. I told you. That was it. Jackie burned a sponge in the microwave told you, Jackie burned, that was it. Jackie burned a sponge in the microwave. I learned a lot. If you put a sponge in the microwave, it gets rid of bacteria, but if Jackie put it in too long.

Oh, we're reliving the conversation? Yes, of course. We have nothing else. I was reminded that that is a thing that you can do. Yeah, man, zaps it out. I just put the sponge out in a fucking stoop. Alright. And that's another way to handle it. Nature take care of it.

I just buy a new sponge. Anybody else buy a new sponge? Why is there gotta be dish soap and there's also hand soap? What is this? What is this? You gotta go get different types! Aggressive observational comedian.

Why I gotta have toothpaste and fucking hair gel? One's for the teeth and the other was for your teeth. Yeah, but he wants to deal with all the bathroom holes. I got a shower drain and a toilet hole.

But you're supposed to use them for different... Is there a difference between Bassetrace and ointment and aspirin? Because I can't tell. Y'all ever think about how none of us have a future? You're the only one that has a future.

We're riding on your coattails. Jamaican be crazy, man! Let's have a moment of silence for Jackie's most recent Jamaican dialect. Oh, come on. That was fun. That was fun. That was fun. That was fun.

I don't know. I just want to go to Jamaica. It's a bad t-shirt, though. You date a girl named Jackie? I just replaced her? No, they broke up. No, we broke up. Oh.

Man, I am failing on all accounts. Hey, Barnett, I like your dinosaur shirt. But then, Holden, you have something to say about that shirt. Riddle me this. Right. What do you call a female mannequin? What? A bitchikin.

Okay. Well, that's just kind of me. You just call the shirts women and mannequins. You just call the show, dude. You just call the show. No, no, no. Jesus Christ. That's a new piece of shit. Why? No, no, no. Let's keep going. I'm sweating.

It's time for another news story. No. Okay. Really? I don't know. Another one? Is it a riddle? Oh, no.

It's not a riddle at all. How is a raven like a writing desk? I feel like I'm in purgatory. It's the Mad Hatter. Well, there are people sitting here watching us, former fans of the show. No, no, no. They've evolved into just having a conversation with each other.

Every show in the history of entertainment has filler episodes. Right. And this is a filler episode of Roundtable. Okay. I would say Alf does not have a single filler episode. Neither does Coach. Every minute

of that show is necessary. Craig T. Nelson, one of the best coaches of all time. Him, Ditka, and the other guy from Rocky. Yeah, that guy. I meant to say cheers. All right.

One of the greatest series finale of all time. It went somewhere. I needed to say it. I need you guys to know I've never seen Coach. Sometimes if you go and you take a sponge

and two minutes is pretty much where you want it to be at. One minute ain't going to cook the germs like it needed to. It's the two and a half minutes. I'm sorry. You're going to get yourself a singed sponge. I didn't. That was great. Thank you for talking, Jackie.

I don't have any more brain cells anymore. What happened to you? I am a shell of a human being. We had a show. I have every Sunday. We had a big show last night at 11. We continued to get very drunk after the show. She had to work all day.

She's got to go back to work after this. That's what's going on with Jackie right now. You have to go back to work? I'm getting drunk, baby. I'm living la vida, Jackie. God damn now you're back it just keeps getting worse

God I love that alright alright you don't know how much I love that oh that's so cool it's time for a segment from home McNeil

no let's do another news story one more news story one more news story the 75 new fables the 75 year old woman we'll do them at the same time yeah alright I got an idea New fables. The 75-year-old woman- We'll do them at the same time.

Yeah. All right. I got an idea. New fables. The 75-year-old woman who killed a rabbit. Unlistenable. New fables. God.

We actually had an unlistenable episode last week. I listened to it. I don't know. I couldn't listen to it. To read books. I don't understand this segment. I got an idea. I got an idea. Here. I don't understand this segment. I got an idea. I got an idea.

Here. I got a bunch of ideas. Can I have one of them? Yeah. Okay. You got a dollar? What is this segment? Marcus, do the news story.

Simpsons episode. Shut up, Holden. What's your favorite? You're done. Holden, Marcus, news story. How about we all get one punchline for this news story and then we move on? Thank you, Mike. And we all have to do it.

Each one of us has to say one thing about the news story. One at a time. And it's got to be unique, and it's got to have that strong K at the end, so let's go. Puck. Okay, but it has to be read first. The 75-year-old woman who killed a rabid raccoon that attacked her at Lewis Ginter Botanical Garden said she did what she had to do. Cass Overton, a garden volunteer, credited her Tai Chi training and meditation for keeping her calm and focused when the rabid animal grabbed her leg.

She said, I was looking up birds because I am a birder. And when I looked down... A birder? A birder. Okay, but I can't say it. Not a raccoon. This animal was coming at me already. I started to walk backwards and it lunged at my leg.

Overton said the rabid raccoon grabbed her pant leg and started to scrape her knee. She tried to back away, but realized that wasn't going to work. That is when, she said, her own animal instinct took over. She said, I got it by the neck with both hands. I realized it was violent, so I couldn't just throw it off and then expect that it wouldn't be right after me again,

so I knew what I had to do. I had to choke it to death. All right, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. We gotta do the punchlines. We all gotta do one punchline. No, I know. I think we're done.

I'll just go first. Raccoon, more like Wacoon. That book's... That Raccoon's reading too many books. He's not kissing any girls. Why don't we just go

right to this segment? I mean, that's the whole... The whole show is being ruined. And that was also my joke. Come on, everyone. Yeah, Holden won it because he's the worst

and you're going to beat him at the bartending audition. You know, Henry, you missed. They're auditioning him for the same role in Jermaine Fowler's new show. Jermaine's pilot, yeah. We're betting it's for the bartender even though the bartender's a gay man. So Jackie's going to get it. God damn.

The whole system's broken. It is. It is. If you want to watch a perfect pilot, you got to watch Cheers pilot. Why did we just open? Do the joke. If you want to watch an example of, if you were going to try to write a pilot for television, watch the pilot for Cheers and take lesson.

Okay, so Kevin, your joke about the story by the record. Dude, I already forgot what happened. Yeah, I don't know. There was a woman that was looking at birds and then a rabid raccoon attacked her and she choked it to death. She was 75. Yeah, man. I mean, niggas is crazy these days.

It's not fair. He's got the best tagline for it. Ben, what do you got? I will defer. I'll defer. What is that? You're passing the buck? I'm going to defer. You'll pass. I've decided I don't want to answer.

I'm going to defer. Henry, what do you got? Raccoon, more like wackoon. That is funny. That's what I was actually thinking. I think she killed the raccoon because she always wanted... You know what? Are you deferring?

I'm deferring. Okay. You're deferring? What are you doing, Jackie? You're deferring? I'm going to defer. Okay. Mike, are you deferring or are you going to cut something for us?

Raccoon more like wacky. Raccoon. Burger wacky Raccoon Burger Don't More like girder Good What else does raccoon rhyme with? Raccoon rhymes with Mon-coon

Mon-coon The Italian dish So you're going with raccoon more like man-coon Mon-coon Yeah, so my punchline is Raccoon more like mon-coon Thanks for-coon. Yeah, so my punchline is raccoon more like mon-coon. Thanks for the help. I don't know what that is.

Deferred. This is perfect. I'm so mad at you that I don't have anything. I feel like it's gone all the way to the other side and now it's become art. Right.

Now we're making art. Jackie, would you like to defer a second time? Yeah, I'm going to defer it up to heaven like where the angels are. Okay. Can I do that?

I do want to say that it's weird that she grabbed the raccoon by the throat. Choked it to death. That's a weird thing to do. She said she went in a full instinct mode.

To choke something to death? That was her first instinct. I feel like it would have been a lot weirder if she was just trying to suck its dick or something. Yeah, that's a different way to kill it.

Trying to suck its dick to death. That would be a weird way to kill it. Man, raccoons have... It's not dying! Notable-sized dicks. I have a raccoon baculum in my pocket right now that Henry gave me. Why is it in your pocket? It's in my jacket pocket.

Oh, okay. It was a gift. Oh, that's okay. All right. So, that's the end of that, Marcus. That's a segment from Holden McNeely now time. All right.

Now time, segment time. Holden McNeely. Welcome. You say welcome? Yes. We're like wackos. We're like wackos. Remember when I said it

and then you forget about the part where I said it was the Riddler because I bombed? Alright, we're going to end this podcast really soon. We're going to make this real fast. Everyone has to tell a story. I don't understand. Okay, a fable. Do you know what a fable is? Cinderella. That's a true story. A fable involves

talking animals and a moral at the end. Aesop. Aesop's fables. Remember, okay, there was the fox, then there was the grapes that were up top. Sour grapes. The scorpion. Sour grapes. And the frog. The scorpion and the frog.

Don't bleed out until you're finally going to get... Fox or the chicken. Fox or the chicken. Sometimes a rapist will take you across a lake. I don't think I know what a fable is. The fox takes the gingerbread man across the lake and then the gingerbread man gets eaten. Yeah. Can't trust the fox. Can't trust the fox. Oh, chicken

little. Chicken little. Chicken big. Chicken big. Alright, so I'll start with my fable. It's a bear and a goat. This is gonna be good, guys. Bear and goat.

Bear and a goat, they get along great. They play cards every day. One day, the goat says, hey, instead of cards, why don't we chase each other around the lake? The bear catches up with the goat from behind, gets him in the fucking crosshairs, takes him down. Never trust a bear, especially on a dare. Thank you. Very good. I feel like this whole thing is just stacked against us.

Because you had that thought upon waking this morning. You literally improvisationed that just now. You improvisationed that? Did you improvisation that sentence? What was his improvisational score? Remember the Simpsons? Where the guy says, what could possibly go wrong? Yeah, we talked about this yesterday.

That's the first thing that ever has gone wrong. It's Kevin's turn. Animals and immoral at the end. This is so hard. My brain is over. What I just learned from when I did it, if you put a bunch of energy into it and just jump off the cliff, you'll get there.

Oh, did you give us tips? Yeah. You'll get there, though, Jackie. Oh, this, you know, this from a time when shit was real fucked up in the streets, right? And then so niggas had to go, you know, we had to, like, we was fucked up for a good seven years. Right. And, you know, you spoke to this owl, and he was like, motherfucker, you got to get that flute.

But like, what kind? And he said, ocarina. So I got that. And so I started playing it, right? You need a second. Motherfucker took me back. You know, it took me forward, actually, and I could go back and forth. Fucking Gannon was tripping though.

He took my bitch and I was like, goddamn, dude, you gonna do that shit? But I got it back You know Basically Boomerangs and what not We was riding around On that shit I got a bigger sword

At one point Couldn't really hold it But My targeted system Was all fucked up And confusing Cause it was like Why was it

Why did you have to Press Z every time Z trigger Why is it a Z too It should have just been locked This is Ocarina of Time Okay So what was What's the moral Of the story The moral of the story is Why is it a Z, too? It should have just been locked. This is Ockery all the time. Okay, so what's the moral of the story? The moral of the story is you're never going to not get lost in the Water Temple.

Yeah. They made it easier on the 3DS. I like how Kevin's fable was in first person. Yeah. I really enjoyed that aspect of it. It's like John Wendell's Grendel. Yeah, it's just like John Wendell's Grendel's like John Wendell's Grendel. Yeah, it's just like John Wendell's Grendel. Just like Wendell's Grendel.

I love Wendell's Grendel. Yeah. All right, well, everyone enjoys Wendell's Grendel. That's what I call my penis. Uh-oh, Kissel, it's your turn. Oh, Kissel, you can't defer. You could defer the joke segment, but you cannot defer the fable segment. Just pick two animals and lie about it.

That's what you gotta do? Yep. There's a rat, and there is a cat, and they are very good friends, and at the end, they figure out that society doesn't like them. I don't know. What's the lesson? That's it. That's it.

If you don't understand that nobody thinks you're special, you fucking failed. That's the lesson. I like it. I like that. That's it. If you don't understand that nobody thinks you're special, you fucking failed. That's the lesson. I like it. I like that. That's great. You're a shithead. Yes. Learn a skill.

Learn a skill. Learn a skill. Pick a vocation and go down that path, son. Maybe university isn't for you. Okay. Pick a skill. Choose it. Rat and a cat.

They figure it out. No one gives a shit About what they do and no one cares about how they live Okay, Marcus, you taking notes on that one? Oh yeah, rat and the cat Good, alright Let's give that some points Ben, you were good and done

I defer Two fucking chipmunks Are roommates in a tree Right? One's big, fat chipmunk. Healthy chipmunk. Big, fat. Extra healthy.

One's super skinny, right? Big, fat chipmunk thinks it looks fucking sexy putting on tiny fucking chipmunk clothes. Right? Like putting on like tiny. Are you talking about your dating life right now? I'm just saying. Call him J. Edgar. And the other one.

You don't have a roommate. You're all alone. Yeah, because you broke up with your girlfriend. She moved out. Yeah. So this story is a fable. This is a made up bullshit. You don't have a dining room table.

You know what's weird is about chipmunks are told from the very beginning that they're supposed to mate for life. Right. And then if you find someone and you're a chipmunk, that chipmunk relationship's going to last forever. But sometimes... But now you're lonely. I saw him eat sushi off of a chair the other day. You don't even have a place to live.

Sometimes a chipmunk has to go out to L.A. for long periods of time. And sometimes certain chipmunks take situations for granted. Right? And they have to fucking check in and reevaluate. But you're just like sleeping alone like all the time. Two chipmunks are roommates and one turned out to be

not there anymore. As if the other chipmunk never was. Right. Not there anymore. As if the other chipmunk never was. Right, right. As if there was an eraser there. As if there was a fucking empty space. Never. Eight years of your life never happened.

Of that chipmunk's life. Didn't happen. Right, right. So what's the moral there? You fucking... That other chipmunk has just got to be strong And confident and making money And taking care of itself And know for a fact

That chapters end But that is sometimes the end of a chapter Is just the beginning of a new chapter And luckily that chipmunk Has a fan base Of desperate female chipmunk has a fan base of desperate female chipmunks that like to drink. Have to drink.

I would never liken you to a chipmunk, for sure. I would never ever liken you to a chipmunk. Why? What would you like me to? An elephant. Yeah, a tortoise. Why did I even open the door? I would say, why'd you even come? You were with the mayor, and now you're here.

I was napping, and I literally was like, better get there on time. And we started early, too. All right, so Jackie. Henry, I'm sorry you've gone through it, man. Oh, I feel great. I think everything is okay. Honestly, yeah. All right, so a rat and a platypus meet.

I had a rat and a cat. I know you had the rat's like... I had a rat in the carriage. You had a rat, but I already had a rat in my head. Rat and a platypus meet, and the rat's like, oh my god, you're just like me, but you're a little bit different. And he doesn't really understand why they're different, because they're both fuzzy, and they both have eyes, and they both have legs,

and he's like, I like you, but daddy rat doesn't fucking like that baby rat isn't in the shit with this fucking bitch ass platypus. So the platypus is mean. Yeah no the platypus ain't mean the platypus is just different and so the rat

realizes like oh maybe you're different maybe I'll fuck you and we're gonna have baby rats together so instead he tries to fuck the platypus shit ain't happening different, maybe I'll fuck you and we're going to have baby rats together. So instead he tries to fuck the platypus. Shit ain't happening. Shit ain't happening because he doesn't realize that they

ain't a mammal. So what the rat does is that he stomps on the platypus. Just stomps on it until it doesn't lay eggs, but its eyes do pop out. So nice. So in turn, he realizes...

Fables are dark, man. Yeah, fables are, yeah. The platypus is different than he is, but he loved the platypus to death, and then the moral of the story is, stomp on a bitch, and she probably won't give you kids. All right, so that is Jackie's moral of the story is stomp on a bitch and she probably won't give you kids. Alright, so that is

Jackie's moral of the story. But Jackie, you're in a healthy, loving relationship and have been for a while. Well, they broke up for like a year and she went bananas. Yeah, but it's like, if you stomp on a bitch, bitch won't give you kids.

Alright, Micah, you're up after that. Okay, so moose and goose. The rhyme. Rhyme points. And they own a bilge pump and rototiller emporium. Oh, very practical. Precisely. The problem is the moose has huge antlers, right?

And it's always getting caught on the rototiller propellers and the bilge pump extensions. I don't know these things. Don't worry, Jackie. The specifics aren't important. It's not important for the story. The point is he always- A bilge pump pumps bilge. What's bilge?

Bilge gets in the bottom of a boat. There we go. And a rototiller. A rototiller is something that you push through your garden to make the soil arid. You know, if you microwave a sponge too long, it singes. Henry, your time, like your relationship, is done. Oh! Wow.

Wow. Old as ice. Wow. Man. And then that evil laugh. His antlers keep getting caught on all the stuff. He was really proud of himself for that one. In the Emporium. And the goose is like, you know what? I can't

take this anymore. I'm going to go get some coffee. Okay. Right? And so the moose is just, he's like, all right, fine. And they get into a huge fight. The goose ends up working at the coffee shop. And he says, I don't want to work with that guy anymore. I know that story.

I don't want to work with him anymore because he's got a temper. And he's just too big. He's too big for the shop that we started together. Story of me and Henry. Because when they started the shop, it was fall. And his antlers had fallen off. Malted. Do they fall off?

They do molt. And then spring came around. He grew up and got caught on all the paraphernalia. Yeah. And so then the moose goes out the front door and is like, Jesus, I can't run this place by myself. My antlers are too big. Yeah.

Right. And so he goes, he's like, you know what, I'm going to get a coffee. Okay. And so he goes to the coffee shop and the goose is there behind the counter oh man and he just goes ballistic oh he has to okay so so he he he takes out a um a billy club okay he just has all the time he he constantly wears it okay uh because they they don't it's a small business and and they they can't't afford like a part-time security guard. Got it.

So he's always wearing it. Because the thing about bilge pumps is they're commonly made out of copper. Yeah, yeah. Which crackheads like to steal. Mm-hmm. So. I'm still laughing at myself. So where's Maura?

Do you remember Maura and how you you had a love as well when was when was that I don't know years fucking years

years ago but I think you still think about her I am more in love with my girlfriend today than I was at any other time that I can think of

I just met her man and she she is a ray of light. She's a delight. Beautiful woman. Are you guys engaged? No. No?

No. No, I can't chain a stallion to a fucking stump. Wait, is Micah the stump in this scenario? Yeah, I am the stump. Oh. Yeah, the stump, right? Okay, so he pulls out the billy club. Yeah, right, right.

Which is the important part of the story. I don't miss her at all. I don't even know why you mentioned her. That's been literally years. But it's crazy, though, because I was just thinking about her this week, and y'all were great together. Man, she was really amazing. Yeah, she was an awesome person.

I put more mirrors in my home, so it looks like I have roommates. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes Alyssa will leave out a cup of water or something, and I'll be like, God, that's cute. And you know what's dope about my shit, though? Xbox One, you're in the middle of a game, you shut it off, it'll start back up right where you were.

I love that. That's great. Reliability is what you're looking for in a relationship. So anyways, he beats this goose to death all right in public with you in front of everybody yeah and people don't want to fuck with a moose it's huge and he's got a temper yeah i mentioned that before yeah and so he's like who wants some who? Mm-hmm. Who in this establishment wants some? Right. If you don't want it here, you can get it down at the Bilge Pump and Rototiller Emporium.

It's two blocks from here. Right. You can all go fuck yourselves. Good for him. He shouldn't have done that. Right. Because there was a mole rat in the back of that coffee shop. Can't trust a mole rat. He's a black belt in karate.

Oh, they're unpredictable. Okay. And he walked into that karate. Karate. Karate. Karate. Mole karate. Mole karate. No thank you. Which is a drink that they offer at the coffee shop. Oh, the mole karate. So this mole rat goes up, goes into the bilge pump and rototiller.

Rototiller. And he's like, listen, Moose. And he's like, are you here to buy a rototiller or a bilge pump? Because I got a billy club with your name on it, if not. And he goes, I'm going to stop you there. I'm a black belt in karate. Thank you, Micah. I don't want to use this on you, but I will if you come at me.

Don't leave this place ever. And he walks out the door and the moose died in that rototiller and bilge pump emporium. Wow. And the moral of the story is don't bite off more than you can chew. Very good. I like that a lot.

It was powerful. That was very good. I really was into that, too. Pulled the heart strings. What about the Goose's family? Did they come after him? Because if I was a Goose's father, I'd be like... I can't understand you, Dad.

Dad, use your words. He's a Goose. That's your new character, Goosefather? The Goosefather. I love the Goosefather. He puts cotton in his beak to sound like that. Holy shit. Who wins?

What's the game? Their fable gets filmed for national television. Their fable gets put on for television. Oh, possibly a PBS special. Probably not. Could be, though. We'll pitch it. We're going to pitch it.

MTV music video version of the fable. Oh, MTV music video version. So won't get shown. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So no one's going to see it. You know what? I think if we're going with the sign of the times, something that would really, I think,

go for what we need to let the youth know today. Are you Jeff Foxworthy? What happens? I think that we're going to have to go... Okay, let's narrow it down. Let's narrow it down. Who gets third place? Who gets third place?

What is the criteria to win here? Is there something contemporary for the kids? There is a centuries-old algorithm. No, it's a rat and a cat get told how to fucking be better than what they're currently up to. You know what? Two chipmunks loved each other and they did for years. But we're not going back to your personal. Don't trust a bear.

Stomp on a bitch, they won't give you kids. Dead moose, dead goose. And Maura would take me back as soon as I return her call. So don't even fucking worry about it. We're going to... I say we're going to do two. I can't decide. That defeats the purpose of the market.

You proved my fucking point. Half the budget? We've got to put our money into something here. Marcus, who gets second place? Who gets runner-up? Who gets first place? Fine, fine, fine. We're going to go into something here. Marcus, who gets second place? Who gets runner up? Who gets first place? Fine, fine, fine. We're gonna go rat in the cat first place, rat in platypus second place. Fine. Are you happy,

man? I am not happy. I do not have feelings. Did Kissel just beat me? I did, Jackie, and I usually do. That is not true. Alright, pep in your step. I feel great. Are you about to smile for the rest of the day? No.

All right. That's been the round table of jokes. Even his smile looks like a frown. I did. I am. Uh-oh. Are you smiling right now? I am.

Uh-oh. I am smiling. But it goes down. Like, it doesn't go up. Yeah, when you smile, it looks like a grimace. If Holden is the Riddler, maybe you're the Joker. He's always smiling. Jackie, you're the penguin, Jackie.

That's funny. You're the... That's the episode. Can we get out of here? For the love of God. I'm embarrassed. Follow the last podcast on the left at LP on the episode. Can we get out of here? For the love of God. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed. Honestly. Follow Last Podcast and Left at LP on the left at Twitter.

No, we're not doing that. After this show, this is when you want to plug this. At Murder Fist NYC. And Kevin, Marcus can cut you out of this episode, but you can only get one. You only get cut out of one. So if you want this to be the one, you can let it be the one. You know, last weekend I went to my grandmother's funeral. And now there's this.

Yep. So it's two monstrosities. A to Z Thursdays on NBC at 9. More like A to F. What? Uh-oh. He's been going out to L.A. for nothing. I'd like to say for the record, this might be my best roundtable of gentleman experience.

Maybe come back in three weeks. You should come back in three weeks. Could you guys not all drink before? The night before? I quit. Oh, the night before? You quit? Yeah, I quit.

I'm done. So whose drink is this right here? Shut your dumb fucking hole. Okay. All right. He gets like this when he drinks. Okay. All right. He gets like this when he drinks. Yeah. Every time I stop.

Okay. Well, my little name is James. Henry Zebrowski, I've been a guest on this show. Henry Zebrowski, Jackie, Micah Sherman. Thank you so much. Bye-bye, everybody. Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Kessel. Follow us all on Twitter.