The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 3: Stalin

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Yeah, that’s right. Our brand new member of the Roundtable, Jackie Zebrowski, doesn’t think Hitler is such hot shit when he’s compared to the ole Man of Steel. Tune in to hear us discuss this and more, including such fascinating topics as Bobby Fischer being dug up, rape in Cancun and what a person can do with 40 to 60 human heads on this, the third episode of The Roundtable of Gentlemen.

Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. I'm Ben Kissel. Let's meet the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Yeah, this is Kevin Barnett. What's up? Ed, it's Holden McNeely. I am Jackie Zabrowski. Ed Larson. And with us as always, Cupcake with the News. Cupcake, what's going on? Alright, well we got going on here in Little Rock, Arkansas. Little Rock?

Cops have seized a shipment of human heads at the airport. Suspect a black market for body parts. Gang banging a Little Rock, man. You ever see that? I never saw that. Is that a film? No, no, no. It's a beautiful documentary made on MTV. They had this little bitch, you know, who would burn herself.

It was great. True life. I'm gang banging in Arkansas. That's a lot of heads. How many heads was it again? 40 to 60 human heads. 40 to 60? 40 to 60 human heads?

That's not like legs. That's 40 to 60 people that died. Otherwise, 20 to 30 if it was legs. Yeah, that'd be something different. That'd be okay if it was that. Wow, who was it from? And who wants the heads? Well, see, that's the thing.

Here's what's happening. We've come to the conclusion, this is a quote from the coroner. We've come to the conclusion that there is a black market out there for human body parts for research or for whatever reason. We just want to make sure these specimens aren't a part of that. Now, what's the for whatever reason? That's my thing. Do you think it's a head fucking thing? I mean, or is it like...

Come on, that's all Tysa uses for his head, man. Yeah, exactly. Okay, yeah, I guess you can make like oven mitts with them. Bookends. I wonder what nationality they are. Are they all Asians? Mexicans. I bet they're Asians.

Mexicans. Well, I know for sure who's ever getting those heads is not finding the cure for cancer. It's definitely for the other reason. What if human heads are the cure for cancer? We would have never gotten cancer. Or like, you know, horse cancer. Just cancer for horses. Like it's going towards, you know, like an international racing league.

I just think it's a good conversation starter. Like you just go to a party and you have a head. Oh, you want to know where I got this? But I got more heads than you do. That type of thing. It's like a Pokemon. If you're just a really uninteresting dude, like you got a head with you. All types of bitches you do. That type of thing. It's like a Pokemon. If you're just a really uninteresting dude, you got a head with you. All types of bitches

you get. I wonder what kind of a gal you get who's enticed by 50 heads. 30 heads? Oh, I've seen that. I've fucked that. That's a motel dude

that I used to know back in the day. 50 heads. Holy Jesus, Big Papa, you're the guy I love. Yeah, I figure they eventually got to start to go bad, too.

Oh, yeah. I mean, what's that movie Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag? Pesci had a real hard time getting those across a border. All kinds of heads in that duffel bag. All kinds of heads.

Was it a commercial flight? A private flight? How did they... Was it in suitcases? Duffel bags? Pants? It was through the mail, I think. Was it just in pockets?

That sounds very interesting. What do you got here? Cupcake, what's the new developments? Well, the thing is, to go along with formaldehyde and stuff like that, a woman dug up and lived with the remains of her husband and her twin. Were they missing heads? I think I know where they went.

They were in some duffel bags. Where was she from? It was in Pennsylvania. She was 91. And where were they? Oh. She's gone crazy. Good digger for a 91.

That's what I was saying. Well, they're saying she had to for a 91. That's how it is. Well, they're saying she had to have had help. Had to have had help. You think? She's in perfect health. That's unbelievable. I mean, that kept her alive for another two years, ironically. The thing is, no charges have been filed,

and the police say that she is in control of her mental facilities. Well, why would they file? What charges are they going to file? Grave digging. But it's her husband.? But it's her husband! Yeah, it's her husband. What do we got going on next, Cupcake? What the hell's going on here?

What do we got going on next? This kid... Oh, shit! Firing squad in Utah. Yeah, first firing squad in a long time. It's been too long. It's the way to go out, though. It really is. I want to know more about those heads in a duffel bag. I don't know why we're moving on so quick.

Well, I don't know either. This is great. What city were those heads in? Little Rock, Arkansas. My God. Little Rock. Told you, man. That's a lot of heads. It's just scary, man. I'm just freaking out

about all the heads. They're all around me, bro. Are you going to fight the heads? Are they biting? Are they talking to you? What are they going to say? It's the ghost of it. Ooh, heads can talk. What about the Doom generation, the heads talk in that whole movie? Remember that with Christina Ricci? Real solid film.

How did they find it? Was it like a thing where they x-rayed the bag? Or just like they just opened up the bag and some heads fell out? They were in boxes. And the boxes weren't labeled properly. Really? They didn't say heads. Take the time to label the box.

Label it heads. Or do your homework. So were they more upset about the mislabeling or the fact it was heads? If it would have said heads, would they be like, oh, well, yeah. Of course it is. Let them go. But they were like, but you mislabeled it. And I just can't see that happen. I mean, it's just heads.

Cut it open. Oh, God. I know. That poor person that was working that day that did not want to see a bunch of heads. Can you imagine going to your work? You're not expecting to see a fucking box full of heads. Not at all. No one wants to see that. I'm sick and tired of this job.

I'm tired of breaking people's privacy. Oh, God! Just got in a fight with my wife before I left. Danny needs to get picked up at 9. I hate everything. Oh, fuck heads. You wonder. You wonder if they dropped one of the boxes and just felt terrible at one point throughout the thing,

and then maybe just a head rolled out. That would be terrifying. You drop the boxes. I would probably take one home with me, though, I imagine. Right? Why wouldn't you? When it's down to 60 heads. You don't have that opportunity again, so you might as well take one home.

You fucking slip it on your dick, and it'll be fine. Slip it on your dick? Yeah. Brings literal meaning to the term. It's a way to have sex with your wife and also eat her out at the same time. Oh, that sounds absolutely disgusting. So what are the rates on these people? They don't say.

They really don't say rates at all. No rates. You've got to imagine. It's on its way to Fort Worth, Texas, though. Oh! Mexicans. Had to have been Mexicans. No way.

I guess so. So many extra heads in Mexico. I mean, if they got it from Mexicans, that means they got through how many states with all these heads before they got busted? No, they didn't get through any states. They got to Texas and got busted. No, it was in Arkansas. They're on their way to Texas. Yeah, yeah.

But I mean, from Arkansas, that's like, what is that? That's like five states from the Mexican border. You've got to go through a whole series of lands. It's a freaky situation. But that's like, what is that? That's like five states from the Mexican border. You've got to go through a whole series of lands. It's a freaky situation. But that's the thing. The Mexican border is the one that's closest to Arkansas. Is it? Yeah.

Either way, that's going to be a scary bus ride, whatever. I get scared of an eighth of weed in the car. Yeah, I know. A sixty heads. That's got to be a totally different kind of paranoia. I mean, like weed paranoia I've had. Even mushrooms paranoia I've had. But not box full of heads paranoia. I mean, that's paranoia I've had, even mushrooms paranoia I've had, but not box full of heads paranoia.

I mean, that's all different level. Yeah, what are you? Let's finish each other's sentences. I know, it was so cute. The great, the great. It's like we've done this forever. The cutest. You guys are connecting, man.

That was weird. And that's what I love to see, man. It's, you know, it's like a bond. What would you do with 60 heads, Barnett? You just had 60 heads for one night. They were sleeping over. You could watch any film you wanted to watch. They're never going to complain.

They're heads for Christ's sake. They have no body. I would watch any film you wanted to watch. They're never going to complain. They're heads, for Christ's sake. They have no body. I have a fucking party, man. That's what I'm saying. I would have a party. If I had 60 heads in my house, I'm having a party. But I don't live that lifestyle, man. I don't do any drugs.

Right now, I've been sober for drinking for like five, six days. And then I wouldn't mess with no heads. Has that been irritable? Were you irritable? No, I haven't been irritable, man. It's been great. Oh, okay, good. I wake up in the morning. I feel like painting. I would? No, I haven't been irritable, man. It's been great. Oh, okay, good. I wake up in the morning, you know, I feel like painting.

I would paint, but I don't paint, so I don't. But you feel like it, which is amazing. I was like, no, I can do this right now because I'm capable, but I don't do it. Sometimes I feel like not sweating when I walk, and that never happens either. It's just really sad. What do you do instead of painting? Well, I mean, all right, so today I rode up to 81st Street from my house for like an hour. And I was doing, I wrote some shit on the way up there.

I jumped around in the grass a little bit, looked at some titties that were laying out in the grass. Oh, those titties. And it was a good day. And my friend texted me. He texted me at like 12. I woke up at like 11.30. He was like, hey, man, there's titties out here.

You need to come out here. And I was like, all right, I can do that right now because it'll feel like shit. Are you on every street in America right now? man, there's titties out here. You need to come out here. And I was like, all right, I can do that right now because it'll feel like shit. Are you on every street in America right now? Of course there are titties. Well, you know, there was exposed titties, man. Oh, yeah? Like extra titties, huh?

Yeah, there was titties all out. Like I saw like three-quarters of a titty at a time. I must say, I am a fan of these new hipster shirts where the girls have the really low-cut armpit areas. The side boob in this city this summer has been superb. They're just letting it drape over them. It's not even connected anymore. And braless. I saw a woman braless.

She had small Bs. You can have that when you have the small Bs. Braless. And it was just pristine. Just a wonderful little... She could have done an Etcho sketch with those nipples. They were so hard and ready to go. That's great.

New York City in the summer is the best. So many boobies, man. It's the best. It's because we have the best groups of people here. Latinos, blacks, and then like, you know, well, hipster white chicks are the worst. Yeah, I'm done with that, man. I'm so sick. I was just looking at, today I was looking at pictures of like girls I used to be around all the time. And then the hipsters that are up here.

I realized just the level that I've dropped has gotten so sad. And that was my status on Facebook. Kevin is jealous of himself a year ago. I was sitting there trading pictures with this other girl. I was with my friend online. I sent him a picture of this girl I used to like. I wanted to have sex with so bad, but I was too whack. He's got to do the bottom scroll on the on the bottom of the screen go

right to see all of her please believe please believe i had a bunch of tabs open and like the highlights from the albums that i would pick the tabs over it's like a reference later i'll just send him pictures of like i'll always love her i love this like that's how it went he's like i'm gonna send you a picture of the chick i just fucked that it comes in three different files and it's just three different files. And it's just all different body parts over. It takes forever to get around her. I love that, man.

The big ladies, they're sweet, though. They're great. And they love you so much. They're just so willing. These hipsters chicks expect so much, like, sympathy. And, like, nice. They're all vegetarians. No, man, no. You just have to start beating the shit out of every fucking woman you come across.

Oh, wow. vegetarians and you gotta roast you just have to start beating the shit out of every fucking woman you come across that you're gonna get every single woman you could possibly want if you just give her a good fucking whack in the face well that sounds terrible advice that'll send me to prison

but thank you Jackie I tell you what you slap a hipster chick in the ass and she'll follow you around for like a week oh yeah like a fucking puppy man

that's all they do that is true they're gonna pant all over your fucking dick with their big ass sloppy vaginas. Yeah, interesting. You're so interesting.

What did you say? Oh, you like music? I like music. I don't like the government. Oh, you don't either? Oh, cool. Hipster chicks are the most shallow pieces of shit on the planet. I hate them. They only have a big sloppy vagina.

Do they have sloppy vaginas, these hipster chicks? Really? I mean, I guess so. No, they're taut and tiny, like a fucking infant.

Yeah. They also don't wash. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm not. That's the fact, they don't wash. I'm sick and tired of

them. I like hairy armpits. Hairy armpits will piss me off. Oh, yeah, Monique style. She has hairy armpits. There's no reason for

it. No reason for it at all. Just shave it. I fucking love it. Cupcake? What do you like the most about a hairy arm cake? Arm cake.

Cupcake. You know, he only dates other cupcakes, so it's an arm cake. Jesus, it's like buttercream now. Yeah. What's your favorite thing about him? Braiding. Girls' night in. I'm with my lady.

I'm checking out with my girlfriend And I'm gonna braid her fucking armpit hair all night That sounds like fun I guess it's good for floss It's an old Native American technique Those fucking jerks Well who knows They lost man

Take it like a man That's what I say Take it like a man Come on you stupid ass corn I ain't trying to see that shit Fucking fooled you Fooled you Get the fuck out Say, take it like a man. Come on, you stupid-ass corn. I ain't trying to see that shit. Fucking fooled you. Fooled you.

Get the fuck out. This is ours now. Well, white people first, but we came in also, so we are part of it. We found this shit. They were born here. We found it. Yeah, you guys helped us kill them, man. It was great. Yeah, yeah, we were out there.

I am happy the hipster lady trend of dressing like Pocahontas is over. I haven't seen that yet this summer. Do you remember that? That was like two summers ago. Every girl was dressed like,

you know, they were in some sort of terrible Disney film. Yeah. Do you remember that trend? I kind of do, yeah, yeah. You're talking about, well, you mean like,

yeah, Pocahontas and stuff. Like, they dressed with headbands and they wore like brown and it was always like the skirt. Earthy, it was very earthy, earth tones yeah meanwhile

they were sucking down a plastic bottle of Fiji with like fucking you know god knows how many just fucking blowing it makeup products just like right there

in the subway man how much have I seen that yeah man but you can fuck them by like giving them beads and shit that's what that trend included

did you not know that no those girls were very very snuck up they were looking for some sort of native fellow or something that does not exist in Brooklyn. No, man, they're looking for fucking John Smith.

What are you talking about? I am no John Smith. Well, I know that. Oh, yeah. Definitely. No, but the hipsters in Williamsburg are absolutely dreadful people. They're the kind of folks that would carry 60 heads over a border and be like, Of course I'll do that for you, Mexican.

I love all Mexicans. I'll carry that bag for you. What? I don't know. It's all Mexicans. I'll carry that bag for you. What? It's called positive racism. I don't know. When they go over to Mexico in Cancun. You ever been to Cancun for spring break? Those chicks, like, the reason that they, like, I don't even know.

They were all raped in Cancun. By Mexicans? No, by whites. They were all raped by whites, so they love Mexicans? No, by whites. They were all raped by whites so they love Mexicans. This is like, I feel like we've tapped into some deep, dark part of Ben. Cocoon whites

who rape girls. Good lord! It's a fact. It's not a fact. I wasn't paying attention. What? The opinions expressed by Ben Kissel on this podcast do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the entire Red Table of Gentlemen. No. All right, fine.

I'm sorry, Holden. I don't think white people are the best. Do you? No, I just don't think they all are rapists. So that's fine. Well, in Cancun, they are. I don't believe that. Yeah, probably most of them.

A lot of them. No, you do deal with a lot of rapists in Cancun. I guess there's a lot of rapists there, so. Big rape party, apparently. Yeah, it with a lot of rape in Cancun. I guess there's a lot of rapists there, so. Big rape party, apparently. Yeah, it's a sea of rape. I love how quickly we're able to turn the tides on our opinions about what's talking about in Cancun. I still don't agree with you, man. I have no idea what I'm talking about, so if you would just please vocally not agree with me, that would help this whole process.

Oh, yeah. Well, I did. I don't agree with you. There you go. And there it is. I was totally wrong. I'm sorry, whites in Cancun. Hell, yeah. You don't rape with you. And there it is. I was totally wrong. I'm sorry, whites in Cancun. You don't rape everybody.

Just the girls. Just the females. And the pigs sometimes. Some forms of plant. And you send them all over to Brooklyn to be hipsters. They just jerk off the pigs. That's not a bad thing. Yeah, I was kind of waiting for a moment.

Wait for a moment? Like, I was kind of waiting for a moment for you guys. Wait for a moment? You're freaking... Like, I'm sitting there thinking, like, all you're talking about is rape in Mexico. And I'm like, I don't have stories about either one of them. There's no Mexican rape stories today? Just interrupt us. Change it completely. Once we do 10 minutes on rape, you gotta cut in to the news story.

Just immediately just cut in. That is the rule. The first rule. Okay, let's class it up a little bit. Iceland's digging up Bobby Fischer. He was the chess player, right? Yeah, a little chess boy. A little dead chess boy.

How old was he when he died? Six, seven, something like that. He was a young man, though? Oh, yeah, he was a little kid. Best in the world. Best in the world. Did he beat the robot? He played like 20 people at a time and shit.

Doesn't matter, though, now, because he's fucking dead. No, nothing that he did matters. He just got dug up. I wonder if he would have beaten that Russian dude from Saved by the Bell. He was very strong. Screech took him on. Did he? Who won?

Well, Screech ended up winning. The Russians cheated. Saved by the Bell was very, very political at that point. Early 90s, you know, just before they fell. The second Cold War, it can be said, was fought by Saved by the Bell. Yes. Absolutely. So what are they planning on doing with his remains? Why dig them up? Here's the great thing. They are

digging him up to test for paternity on a nine-year-old Filipino girl named Jinky Young. That's awesome. Wow. So he wasn't that young when he died. No, not at all. He lived to like his 40s. Oh, okay.

Yeah, he died like five years ago. But her name was Jinky? How'd he die? No, no, no. With a J. Oh, Jinky. Jinky. Now, the reason why I think everyone thinks he died a kid was because he was a child prodigy.

He lived to old age, but he was a child prodigy. Menudo. But he basically lived in that moment. And still fucking nine-year-olds, apparently. So that means he's in good health. No, no, no. She's nine now. He didn't fuck her from the...

She would have been five. Oh. He was fucking nine years ago. What was the motivation? Is she very good at chess or has other sort of mental skills? I think you just fucked a Filipino girl. Yeah, man. When you're that good at chess, Filipinos fucking get on you, bro.

Pretty sure Filipinos get on anything, though. Yeah, but they love chess. That's the dream. That's the dream right now. I just haven't been able to achieve that dream. Oh, man. You're not locking down the dream. You're not looking in the right places, bro.

I know, man. I got that dream. Oh, man. You're not locking down the dream. You're not looking in the right places, bro. I know, man. I got to get up Club Zen again. It's a database that just says where all the Asians hang out. And I spent about three hours looking through that one day. Trying to plot out my nights. But I haven't been yet. We just got to get you $60 in the past few months. That is the dream, dude.

It's the dream. The Asian is the dream. Yeah, trying to live it, yeah. That is the dream, dude. It's the dream. The Asian is the dream. Yeah, trying to live it, man. Holy fuck. Bobby Fischer's estate was valued at $2 million. Oh, that doesn't seem like that much. So he's world famous. Chess should pull in more money.

Chess. $2 million for chess. That's not bad. You can vote your whole life to chess. You have $2 million when you die. That's pretty great. I guess so, to chess. You have $2 million when you die. That's pretty great. I guess so, but he didn't have $2 million. He had $2 million worth of shit, right?

So a house and a car. His estate was worth $2 million. That ain't shit. It's really nothing. Fuck him. He should have done more video tours and stuff like that. But even so, Jinky's mother, Marilyn Young. Every time I say Jinky, it's Jinky.

It's a terrible name. Jinky's mother, Marilyn Young, is in a fight over his estate with Miyoko Watai, the head of the Japanese Chess Association. Who says that she legally married Fisher in 2004.

Well, how does the Chess Association have anything to do with his estate? No, no, no. The Chess Association doesn't. The bitch in charge does. Well, what does she... She's his bank bitch. He said that they legally married in 2004, but cannot provide the documents. Well, then they're not legally

married. Not a real marriage. Not a real marriage. I found an interview with this Japanese head of Chess association, whatever. And in the interview, she was asked, some people doubt that the attempt to legally marry is done just to help Fisher out of a miserable situation. To deny such speculations, would you describe a bit of your life or a bit of your de facto marriage?

Here's what she says his habits are. He doesn't like taking medicine. He loves hot springs. When he gets a cold, he just stays at home. Jesus. He also doesn't like women wearing lipstick or high heels. Uh-oh. He's gay.

Yeah. Or coloring their hair. How can a woman go without makeup? That's weird. Boy, he doesn't like lipstick, though. She's acidic. She's acidic. Oh, man.

That poor bastard. His whole life, just one big stupid chess game. I'll tell you what, he died at 43. He fucking lost. He died the queen. Fuck that. Queen's the most powerful character, but in the end, it's like the king's the last.

How'd he die? Did he fucking put a bullet in his brain like he should have? Nah, I think it was something pretty boring. Of course it was. I wish he was hit by a train. Chess piece didn't come back and haunt him or anything like that? No chess piece in the nose? Very classic death symptom.

I've actually never played chess, man. Never played chess? Never played chess. Oh, you'd love it. Kidney failure. Ah, kidney failure. That is boring. Osama.

That's the same thing that dude Brandon Faulkner has over there in Iran right now. What did he do? He went to Pakistan? American Rambo? What? He's on dialysis. Oh, yeah, now. He went to Pakistan, American Rambo. He's on dialysis. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the American Rambo.

Yeah, yeah, he's on dialysis right now. He went hunting for Osama. It's a pretty insane story. What happened? He almost got him. All right, his name is Gary Faulkner, and he was arrested on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan trying to hunt bin Laden with a knife and a gun and a Bible. There you go.

That's awesome. When I read it, it just said he had Christian literature, so it's good to know that it's clarified to be a Bible. Why would they put Christian literature? I was like, what, do they have weird God books? Oh, wait, did he not have a Bible as well? No, it just said Christian literature in the definition. It's just like, just say Bible.

Like a children's book with Jacob and the Lamb. literature definition it's just like just say by children's book yeah this magazine of fucking Bible is Christian literature maybe they said I want to give the Bible extra advertisement yeah exactly pretty close to finding me he's in the right area though but then the Pakistani police caught him and arrested him, which is probably the best thing that could have happened to him. Actually, he was looking in the right place. No, he just would have gotten the fuck murdered out of him, though. He was looking in the right place.

How come we don't have him? Well, the thing is that the guy had kidney medicine, or he also has problems with his kidneys. Which is amazing, because Osama does, too. It's a total superpower situation. This guy is Osama. Could be. Maybe that was like

a way he could sense him or something. Like they were linked in that way. And he was just like, you know. I don't know, but how could you not

respect a man that goes into a country with a fucking knife and a Bible? And this was his seventh time going over there. You know, and a snake.

He had a snake too. He had a snake, I bet. He had a snake that would just fucking crawl around in his clothes and shit. He trained to jump. In a kind of insurgence in his mission. It was unbelievable. He went over there six times before and came back real close, and this was his seventh time

and he finally got arrested. That's incredible. Insanely incredible. His brother was on cnn talking about like how he's sane and like his brother's a doctor and apparently he's like a smart dude but you know he's too smart well he's absolutely out of his mind he's a religious fanatic you know i was a shapeshifter he could change yeah he had three animals he could turn into a leopard a goat and uh dragon they're all totally unapplicable to the fucking region so there's like a polar bear

and then like a large panda and they're like what the fuck dude no way I mean you know I mean I think you should just

change to the dragon because why arrest a dragon I mean there's no way you're going to obtain a dragon you can't catch one no way but a goat would be really easy though

that's the problem that's you know what if you couldn't control it though maybe you couldn't control it that's the thing apparently well yeah that's the thing it What if you couldn't control it? Maybe you couldn't control it. That's the thing. Apparently, it was a goat with rabies.

Ooh! But you only got three days to live. Yeah, yeah. So you can't be the goat for too long. You have to change back to a man. Five minutes at a time. Or you'll never change back because you're insane. What's the third one? A polar bear?

Be a polar bear? Polar bears are depressed, though. That's a sad-ass animal. Always lonely. Don't got nobody around you. So the seals. Penguins and seals. Yeah, but they just murder them.

Yeah, they murder them. Yeah. No, why is that a problem? I think that's the best for them. They got to get out that rage somehow, bro. No, make love with the penguins. Do you know polar bears have been spotted 60 miles off the coast

swimming in the ocean? 60 miles from the coast. That's ridiculous. I mean, you could be out on a boat in the middle of the fucking ocean, 10 miles out, and a polar bear jump on and attack you and kill you. That's great. That's going to be such a great treat

for the sharks and the whales that are just like, oh, wow, look at that little chicken popper. He was moving so slow trying to swim with his four legs. They put it over like, yeah, exactly. Total feast. Yeah, man. Holy shit. With Newt, he's like a really famous polar bear at a zoo here in America.

There is actually a fucking campaign. Specify the location. There is actually a fucking campaign to save his nuts. Yeah! Because people say that he should be castrated. Well, don't we want to get more of these things at this point? I mean, they're virtually extinct.

Soon we're just going to be like, we're literally pretty much only looking at all animals in zoos now anyway. They're pretty much dead across the world. Why not just have them fuck a whole bunch of other polar bears and get a bigger exhibit? Oh, man, they got a big picture of his nuts, too. What are polar bears? Are they hairy?

They're not as big as I thought they'd be. Well, that's in relation to the polar bear. That's like a cantaloupe. Oh, yeah. That's in relation to the polar bear. That's like a cantaloupe. Yeah. God damn. Big old polar bear nuts.

He's got to get a hernia to drop in there, give himself one real large ball. Do they say why they want to, like, what's their reasoning behind castrating such an endangered animal? There's actually a... Just fucking all of the workers. All right, well, they were going to try to breed Newt with this German polar bear. No, no. Yeah, with this German polar bear named Gianna. Sounds sexy.

Oh, right. It's a polar bear, for Christ's sake. I would like to see some sultry photos. What's wrong with seeing... All right. bear for Christ's sake. I would like to see some sultry photos. What's wrong with seeing sultry? The group's zoo expert Frank Albrecht noted that Newt and Giovanna, known as Gianna for short, had the same grandfather.

Any offspring would threaten the genetic diversity of the polar bear population in Germany and risk susceptibility to a condition known as incest depression. They're even fascist towards polar bears in Germany. Let them have an incestual baby.

Who gives a shit? How many polar bears fuck their sisters in the wild? Why does that matter? If he wants to fuck, I say let him fuck. Let him fuck. Let him fuck. How far away removed are there? I mean, I feel like in Texas people have sex closer.

Oh, man. Oh, God. How do you chop off a polar bear's nuts? Same way you chop off any other's nuts. Yeah, yeah. You just ridicule them for hours and hours, and they just eventually fall off. You just lick it. You lick it until the skin's so raw you can just rip it right off.

How related are they? Are they first cousins or second cousins? They have the same grandfather. Like, second cousins, I guess. Maybe first cousins. That's totally fuckable for a polar bear. For a polar bear, yeah. That's trailer park rules, man.

That's totally fine. You can definitely do that. That's the rule with inbreeding. If there's not a whole lot of you around, you fuck whatever hole is there. Absolutely. Your father had sex with a... I think that sounds awesome. Well, your uncle had sex with a cow, didn't he?

Oh, yeah. My dad tried to have sex with a cow, but it didn't work out. Terrible experience for him. The cow nibbled a little hard, but was he trying to mouth fuck or butt fuck? Rejection from a cow? He actually was trying... He was like 12 and saw that the nipple of an udder looked a lot like his dick. So he figured that he could put his dick in the mouth of a cow

and get a blowjob. The only thing is that cow's tongues are like sandpaper. Big cat's tongue. Sandpaper. And to this day, that's why dad says he has a small dick. Really?

Cursed his pants or just rubbed it down? But also, they chewed cod all day. You know, choose your own adventure. Did you ever ask him why? No, that's the way fucking stories go in Texas. It ends with a fucking cryptic ending, and you don't elaborate. That's why I got a small dick, boy. My dick is huge.

That's why Jimmy's retarded. He's got a horse head. That's why Jimmy has retarded He's got a horse head Coward That's why Jimmy has the head of a horse Son I've been wearing this weight on my shoulders I just want to set things straight once in a while That's the reason your brother is different It's a good Christmas story

For the kids When did your old man break that story out? When was the appropriate time for him to tell the old cow-sucking-dick story? Maybe it was like 15, 16, something like that. Any certain function? Or is it a barbecue story? Field, though. No, no, no.

Stories, I mean, with Dad, stories are just there constantly. He's a story guy. Storyteller. From Texas. Talks in poetry, like the cowboys of old. Ah, that's great. He'll just there constantly. He's a story guy. Storyteller. Talks in poetry like the cowboys of old. That's great. That's what Monique said.

I didn't say that, but you put it in the perfect perspective. That's beautiful. I need to meet your father, I'm pretty sure. I need to get stories told at me. He might also heal you. Okay. I don't know if that's appropriate

For the lady Healing is you Put your hand on someone else's forehead And you heal them Like for example Say I were to heal Eddie Put hand right here Hand on his forehead

Heal this child Heal this child of allal this child of all that Satan is and all that he shall be! Be gone! Do you feel better? How do you feel? I feel bad, but... How's the hernia? Oh, God.

Let's not talk about it. I didn't know if there was a changeover in the healing process. No, it doesn't do process. No, there's nothing. No, it doesn't do anything. No, absolutely not. They used to do that at my church all the time. It does nothing but make people uncomfortable.

It's very awkward. Feels pretty good, though. I've had it done to me. Yeah. Well, the trick is you massage the scalp a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it in there good. Wait, so you were in a big crazy church and they did it to you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was a kid. Did you feel revived? No, I remember I would see people pass out and start shaking and all that. I'm like, I don't want to do that, man. It's crazy. It's crazy. But it never happened.

It just didn't happen. It happened. They just pushed you. It happened to me. And they just pushed me over. And then I just stared up a girl's skirt the entire time in the front row. So you kind of did feel healed. Hell yeah.

A little bit. It was so stupid. People are ridiculous. Learned it right there. You did tongue, you did like faked tongue speech. I got kicked out of church school for not speaking in tongues properly, which I don't know how you do it properly. It's like a very, very high-pitchy, like that kind of thing.

Like Arabian music. It is a bit. And I just couldn't do it. What religion were you? How about it? How about it? How about it? Jesus.

Like that. And then everyone was just making it up. How about it? How about it? And everyone was just making it up. And I just couldn't do it. You couldn't do it right? Were you doing it like that?

Or were you just confused to do it? Well, I was kind of just like talking, being like, oh, you know, and then they just kicked me out. Wait, they were just like, hey, man, talking tongues right now. That's how they did it. Yeah, well, they got us all together in the back room and then they made us all speak in tongues because it was like the session of the day. Like, yeah, I think we were studying like the burning bush and how Jesus talked to Moses and that's the first time that he spoke in tongues no and uh and or whatever some story like that and uh so they brought us all back there and like everybody else did it and i wasn't able to do it so i had to go like sit in uh the vice principal's office the story we heard was just like you had to

earn that like you had to get to that and if you didn't ever get that before you died you're you're going to hell well this was like one of the last. So that's what they were building this up to. They thought by the last class, you would be able to, like, you know, speak to God. Feel it, yeah. Feel it and feel it and get it. But, like, I mean, that's weird. Yeah, it's weird, like, in a classroom settings. I feel like, like, for you guys, it was, like, music in the church.

It was in a congregation, right? For, like, your... Yeah, I mean, I played in the church band and stuff. But, yeah, that was a different church. That was more of like they were calm. But I was in the Southern Baptist, like, dude, just screaming. Everyone was just yelling and shit. Yeah, it was like everybody's going to hell, only a small fraction.

And then everyone's trying to get to, like, oh, I got to get to the Holy Ghost. I got to get to the Holy Ghost. I got to get a fever. And, you know, you would never get it. There were some dudes. They had great barbecues, though. That was tight. I don't know why.

Some good-ass barbecues. I don't know why Christians want to recruit so many people. Heaven would be a total crowded fucking terrible bar in Midtown or something. You know? It's like the Jewish people do it well. No recruits. It's very hard to get in. It's going to be a nice, quiet place when you get up there.

You'll have all the free time in the world. Swim in the lakes. No line of the pool. It'll be amazing. They have so much money, too. They have all that money. Who knows how much they have? More than my fucking ass, I'll tell you that. Jude's got it all figured out. Shit, man.

Do you guys hear about the fucking touchdown Jesus that got hit with lightning the other night? Touchdown! A fucking huge six-story Jesus. And he's got the touchdown arms. And he's got the touchdown arms. And he's got the touchdown arms.

Are you looking at the picture right now, Ed? Yeah. He's struck. Which is sacrilegious in his own right, by the way. He was struck by lightning and burned down. Do you see the after there, Ed? Down to the ground. Yeah, awesome.

Okay, cool, yeah. Because it's like metal rods, like nothing left. It's literally like two metal rods going out where his arms used to be, and then like one weird looking, it looks like a robot now. It doesn't look anything like. I feel like it's all just like press for the World Cup, though. You know, like, goal! Boom!

He's just dead. He's dead now. Only thing that matters now is World Cup. Yeah! 2010. That's a good ad skit. I think that's what it was. I'm pretty sure.

I'm going to go buy a soccer ball tomorrow. It doesn't seem like it's that rare of an occurrence for a huge iron statue with his hands raised in the air for lightning to hit it. It's surprising it didn't happen earlier. It was foam and fiberglass. Oh, really? So lightning doesn't even like it. Wow. Oh, interesting.

Foam and fiberglass. Do they mention what people are interpreting that as? Is it a miracle or is it a sign that Obama's our president? How are they swinging that? It doesn't really show many actual reactions to it. I'm sure Rush Limbaugh talked about it. He's like, white kids are getting beat up on school buses and fucking statues of Jesus are getting hit by lightning.

Obama's America. I love that it got hit by lightning. That makes me so happy. Yeah, me too. Oh, man. It's really badass. I'll touch down Jesus until she gets struck by lightning. It's great.

I know. I wonder how many statues of Stalin have been struck by lightning. A lot of them. What's he a fan of? I'm pretty sure, actually. Before they got, you know, but then they just got tore down. Because everyone hates Stalin, apparently. I think everyone should probably hate Stalin.

Does that mean that you don't? Well, I love Stalin. I think Stalin is the coolest. Jackie, tell us about your Stalin. I just think he's fucking the coolest. He's the coolest with his, like, leather jacket on. I just think that he was the worst dictator possible. And he reigned for a good amount of time, and he killed so many fucking people, and people think Hitler is so fucking bad, but he's not.

Well, Hitler's pretty bad. I mean, he's pretty bad. I mean, he's pretty bad. He's pretty bad. Can we get that sound clip and play that right before every show? I want to hear that sound clip before every single show, right at the lead-in we can do that we can do that pretty bad buddy i'm not welcome to the round table gentlemen i'm excited for your senate campaign in 30 years yeah right it's gonna be great clip is gonna haunt you forever this is why we did this that we could just we could just get you on all types of issues because fucking Ed the

governor is going to go be running at the same time. Oh, yeah. No, but at least Hitler could speak. Stalin was an absolute dunce. He was a total moron. But nonetheless. Good murder, though. Amazing murder. Could he murder? He could murder anyone he wanted, man.

Murdered everybody. Everyone. His saying was always like killing three is murder, killing 30 million is conquering. A statistic. A statistic, baby. Yeah! Jesus. Still a terrible statistic. I don't hate Stalin as much as I just respect him.

Yeah! Well, you're a statsman. You're a statsman. That's obvious. Of course you do. That's why I'm such a big Dan Marino fan. Good comparison, though. That was a really good comparison.

Fuck the Lakers, by the way. Fuck any Lakers fans. Fuck the Lakers. Fuck Slovakia, too. Fuck that. Yeah, we tied them up. Slovakia. Fuck that ref.

World Cup. Oh, that ref. I know nothing of soccer. That bloody cunt. I don't know anything about it. I don't like that you can tie. I want to state this over and over again. Everyone's like, World Cup fever, World Cup.

But I'm just like, you lost me at you can tie. I don't give a- Twice! Twice! You can play a fucking playoff series of any kind and there are ties involved and a point system? Why? I don't understand.

It's like figure skating all of a sudden. Yeah, exactly. It's just, exactly. I really tried to get into the World Cup this year because the whole world loves it, and everyone's like, well, you're an ignorant asshole if you don't like soccer. It's just so boring.

It is so long, and the goal, there's never goals. These are the best teams in the world. We watched the Blackhawks series with hockey. Well, the goalies are so good. Yeah, the goalies, except for that English one. The only reason that we're still in the running for it. He's got a huge mustache. He goes with the top hat andies are so good. Yeah, the goalies are, except for that English one. The only reason that we're still on the running for it. He's got a huge mustache.

He's always with the top hat and the monocle. Yeah, that guy, he's got to stop being so fancy if he wants to go. He's quick, though. He's what you call a dumb prick. There you go.

He always knows what time it is. He's always ready to tell you where the horrors are. He's a fantastic young man. He's got bad teeth and other British stereotypes. Good one, man. Look at him.

He's a dumb prick. We got our one, man. Look at him. We got our freedom, bitches. Absolutely. God bless America. All right, we've got to wrap it up, ladies and gentlemen. Buy guns. This has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Closing words.

Yes. All right, fantastic. Yeah. All right, Ed Larson, Jackie Zebrowski, Holden McNamee, Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel, and always cupcake goodnight.