The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 302: Barnabas and Abraham

Episode Date: October 18, 2016

The gang talks hallucinogen experiences, fave musicians, and a close-to-home murder.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, a little more watch. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

I can't do it. Why can't you do this? It's 7 o'clock at night. I can't. Why can't you do this? It's 7 o'clock at night. I can do it. It's so nice that you wore your loveliest sack. I've got a fucking frock on. I put a bra on to get here. And I got my new boots on. I can't believe you got a bra on.

Yeah, I put a bra on. Why'd you do that? That's so cool. Because I had to to leave that house. I'm not a fucking heathen feminist. Whoa. Wow. What's wrong with them, Jackie?

I like my tits high and tight and covered. I want my nipples to be ashamed of showing their faces. I think this is the prayer. Yeah, I think so. They have a face. That's horrifying. All right, is that the prayer? Sure. I don't think it's my week, but you know what? Yeah, I think so. They have a face. That's horrifying. All right, is that the prayer? Sure.

I don't think it's my week, but you know what? Yeah. Dear Christ, my nipples are scared of men's faces and girls' tongues. And my nipples say, please put a blanket on me, for I am ashamed of how hard and how prickly I become when I leave the house. A little Adam and Eve scenario there. Amen. All right, very good. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everyone.

So theatrical. Thank you. I can't believe you pulled that out. I don't know where I got it from. My uterus. Digging deep today. We're digging deep. Feeling the energy today, Ben.

Okay. She's playing the utilely over there. I don't know what that means. My uterine-lely. Yeah, yeah, your uterus ukulele. I understand now. Needle in the hay. What is that?

Needle in the hay. You gotta shake the eggs out of it. The needle? Yeah. Every prick. Elliot Smith was stabbed eight times. In the chest. By himself.

All right, so this is the round table of gentlemen. Is that how he died? Yeah, you didn't know that? Yeah, he did. He did a bunch of drugs. He stabbed himself in the chest? Well, people say that somebody murdered him, Marcus. What are we saying?

Are we saying he was murdered? He was murdered by his girlfriend. No, it was a Courtney Love. Was it Courtney Love who murdered Elliot Smith? He was murdered by El Duce, who also murdered Kurt Cobain. Who the hell is Elliot Smith? You know. You know.

You listen to him. That's a song? Hey. That's a song lyric, it is? There's a lot of sad man songs. They're really good if you're ever sad. Sounds like someone who's about to stab himself in the chest eight times. Yes.

Yeah, that's fine. When he killed himself, I was like, that makes sense. Yeah, he's very sad. He's just singing it like, hallelujah. No, that's Jeff Buckley, but that's a Leonard Cohen song. It's Jim Croce. Hallelujah. I love bad, bad Leroy Brown.

I love Jim Croce, Time in a Bottle. Jeff Buckley fell in a river, right? Yeah, he just drowned. If you're making me sad, Jeff Buckley's dead too? Yeah, he's dead. He fell in a river? Yeah, and, he just drowned. And his dad drowned too? Yeah, he fell in a river? And his dad drowned too, Tim Buckley. Tim Buckley and Jeff Buckley? That's exactly how the Buckley family would die. He fell in a creek.

See, there you go. I would definitely if my swim instructor's last name was Buckley, I'd tell him to fuck his ass. Good for you. Standing up for once in my life against fuckers who try to teach me and my kids how to swim. It seems like you paid for the swim lessons, though, and then you

showed up, you put your bathing suit on, and then you just told the guy to fuck off. Well, I'll piss in the pool as well if you need me to up the ante, Ben, but either way, if someone's leaving crying, it sure as fuck probably will be me. Man, I always piss in a pool. Well, that's not healthy, Jackie. You don't do it? No, I never pee in the pool. Oh, that's not healthy, Jackie.

You don't do it? No, I never pee in the pool. You pee in a creek, you pee in a river, you never pee in a pool. Yeah, they prepare for it. You can go ahead. No, you can't. Yeah. That's what the glory is for.

That's why the signs are up that says feel free to pee. Oh, my God. Well, I don't. That's why I never use public municipal pools. They're absolutely disgusting. There was a dookie in mine when I was a child and I'll never go back to one. Did you do it? You dookie? I didn't do it. Were you dookie?

No, but I did have to climb down off of the springboard because it was too high and I got scared. Oh man, apparently I saw on our Facebook page that somebody heard that you say you like to shit in the shower in one of our episodes. I never said that. There's like to shit in the shower in one of our episodes. I never said that.

There's a quote in one of our episodes somebody found. Very interesting. It would be interesting if it was true. Oh, man. I don't think this is such a cold case. Well, obviously it's a hot case and I had nothing to do with it.

Jackie, you're here. Yep. Don't look at me like that. You just animated your nipples for crying out loud. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm the only one who does nothing wrong. I have a bra on and I am here. Thank you very much. I should be applauded.

I've been treated like a princess all day. Thank you. Thank you to everybody. Okay, Jackie. Very good. I expect to be treated like a princess throughout this podcast. What do you have to say for your fans? What do the fans want to hear? What do the fans want to hear? Oh, I'm wet.

All right. Thank you, Jackie. What a princess you are. I am wet. That's fine. You know what being treated like a princess means? You get wet, you get fucked, and you just get to lay there. Can you leave it alone for a second?

She's so wet, I'm wet. I'm Ed Larson. How you doing? Okay, that's great. Congratulations on your big win today, Eddie. The Dolphins won their second game of the season. Yeah, baby! So what is it?

30-15. What's the record, though? Two and four. Fuck the Steelers and your stupid jobless town. They've won two out of six games. What are the teams they lost to? Everyone better than them. Everyone that we played except for the Steelers and the Browns.

Wow. The Browns, they're shit. I know! Yeah, because Brown dookies. I know. That's what happens. When you name your team after shit, they're going to be bad. Well, they were named after the former owner, I believe.

The Indians, though. What about the Indians, then? Did they get scalped? No, they were wonderful. They're doing good this year, right? That's a baseball team, Jackie. It's quite different. Yeah, but they got Indians and Reds. Reds have nothing to do.

Redskins. That has nothing to do. That's the football team. Doing good. All right. Scalp them. Nope, let's not do that. Oh, man. I never really associated the scalpers at the game, at the Redskins game.

You know, it's a good double thing. Ooh, that's a good business model. Yeah. It's not a good double thing. Hold up a hair skin head. Get your tickets cheap and it's like an Indian's head. Yeah, but it's not a ticket it's not gonna work you can't scan it there's no barcode on the damn thing

damn that's stone fucking cold it's not stone cold it's stupid it's a very stupid idea in Westworld they do we're not allowed to do that yet it's coming out tonight in what yesterday what happened Westworld dog you gotta watch Westworld on HBO it'll blow your fucking mind

how do I get HBO you don't get HBO you don't have my HBO? It'll blow your fucking mind. I don't get HBO. You don't get HBO? No. You don't have my HBO now? We'll talk after the show. Oh, okay. Yeah, we'll get you a password. Yeah, we can get you a hot pass. We all got it, man.

All right, I'm in then. Episode 56. Quote, Benjamin, if you ever get the chance to shit in the shower, please do. Interesting. What on earth? All right. Okay, hold on. Out of context, I am sure.

Number two, that seems absolutely insane. I might have been encouraging somebody else. Maybe I was being encouraging. Wasn't that like eight years ago? Yeah, we've been doing this for a decade. Enough to ruin our entire futures. Yeah. Well, that's fun.

Way to find it, you idiot. Do we have a time stamp? There's no time stamp. It's not real. That was listener Kim Kelly from Australia that dug that one up. Okay. Well, thank you, Kim Kelly. I don't know if you're a guy or a girl based on your first or last name, but that's fine.

Thanks. Double girl. Is it a double girl? It could be a guy's name, too. Or it could be an Asian-Irish. It's not an Asian-Irish. It's not a thing. Oh, good Lord.

All right. Kimbo, maybe. Kimbo would be a good name. Kimbo Slice. Kimbo Slice is dead. He's dead. He's dead. Did he die?

Yes, believe it or not, the guy who made his money fighting in backyards died early. He is deceased. That was fantastic. Vin is on fire today. I'm not. What do you mean? You don't want to be doing well? All right.

That is fine. Everyone's having fun. Very good. I do Kimbo Slice videos. We're fucking cool. I love Kimbo. That was where we grew up, man. That was where I grew up down there.

You recognize it immediately. Fort Lauderdale backyards just beating each other's eyeballs. He got his ass kicked, though, by real fighters. He could beat up drunks, but that was about it. But, man, he beat the fuck out of those drunks. He beat those fucking people up, man. Yes, he did. Holden, are you ever going to chime in?

Holden Nader's ho! The 367th person to post the word fuck on the roundtable Facebook page will get my HBO Now password. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Why did you say that? We will get my HBO Now password. The 357th? The 357th person to post the word fuck.

Some of the fans will count. I'm not counting dick or shit. All right. Well, someone just posted. They will post that themselves. PlayStation Network shout-outs. Settle in, boys and girls. It's going to be a long dog version.

We missed some weeks, kids. Chris O. Check wants me to say Chris is the piss or something like that. Vince Garbage shout-outs to Vince Garbage. Man, that dude smells like shit. Habit of Rabbit says Anne Frank was overrated. Bitch got no sex appeal. Robert Polson says

ask Ben who he should vote for this year. Who should Robert Polson vote for? Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson. Will cast his vote for whoever he suggests. He just doesn't fucking know anymore. Mickey Mouse, the S is a 5 So it's not THE Mickey Mouse Not THE Mickey Mouse

He just wants to say SUP Buckethead Sooth says Tell Marcus his book review makes people wetter than Swamp Thing Thank you Squirrely Ninja says Shout out to Ben, he's a wonderful person And people say nice things about him Isn't that fun?

That's not true And that's your PlayStation Network. Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush. Shh. Quiet in the bedroom. Shout out! All right. Hey, hold on. Do you ever, like, get one and you're like, I'm not gonna say that. I've had,

I've edited a little just for time and stuff or if they just say something super nasty. Yeah. Some people say, you won that. You did a mommy thing for about two years. No, no, no. I'll do that. All right. If. Some people say, you won't want that. You did a mommy thing for about two years. No, no, no, I'll do that. If they want to say, oh, I sucked my own dick and it bled in my, or something, that's fine. I'm saying

if they say something just mean, you know, if they call one of our mothers a cunt or something. Does that happen? No, I don't think so. Someone fucking talking about my mom? Are you talking about his mom instead? And you're going to say that about her? You know what? Our fans are brutal, man.

Seems like you just made that up, though. Native Americans. You made our fans more brutal. They may have. I don't know what they're saying behind closed doors. I put that fucker in the ground. There you go. From where I stand, nipples and all.

Damn. Jackie, who are you doing that to? To whoever's calling Mama Kathleen a cunt. Holden is. No, I'm not. Holden, let's go. Don't hurt me. Put him in the ground.

Do not fucking hurt me. It's time I'm going to put you in the ground. Ooh, I'm going to give you one of those little pipelines so you can go, oh, help me, after I just bury you alive. Like a little straw thing. All right, Marcus. Do we want to do a news story?

Sure. Yeah? How do you feel? I feel good. What? I'm Ben Kissel. I am Ben Kissel. Hey.

I am Ben Kissel. I'm Ben Kissel and I'm here to say I like to rip rap every day. Oh, wait. So that's fun. We got a couple of people who flew in. One from Chicago. One from Brooklyn. Hi.

Somebody flew in from Brooklyn? I don't know. Doesn't know how things work. That's fucking fancy as shit. What is your name? Fancy Flight. Katie and? Michael.

Katie and Michael are here. There you go. Oh, yeah. Thank you, guys. That's exciting. Sitting on the couch. Yep. Taking it easy.

Getting some fucking therapy. Getting therapy. And Kellen Maloney's also here. Kellen does not want to speak, though. Okay. He said he didn't want to speak. He did it. He did it, though.

Thank you for doing it. He's here. Holt Marcus. Yeah. Ooh, Holt Marcus. Holt Marcus. Do we have a new story? We got a lot.

Do we? Yeah. All right, let's do a fun one. Let's do it. Oh, this one's real fun. Okay. A man from upstate New York allegedly broke into his neighbor's house to save the family dog from a fire on Thursday night.

Okay. However, there was no fire. Oh. He was hallucinating on acid. So he's a good guy. I guess he's a hero in his own mind. Eddie, have you ever taken a drug and actually seen anything? Marcus and I were talking.

I tried to. I've never done it. I've never seen a fire coming out of a house. Well, you got to eat a lot of acid, and some of the acid's different than other acid. Yeah. You know, it's that kind of deal. You know, some of it gives you very visual shit. Other ones just make you go cuckoo.

Well, there was that one time where we ate a bunch of mescaline and then split up, and you fell asleep watching House of a Thousand Corpses and had some very bad weight, right? Evil Dead 2. Evil Dead 2. And you kept waking up just in a fit of horror. It was those old DVD players which just went on repeat. Oh, yeah.

And I played like four times. Wow. I fucking hate Mescaline. Well, yeah, bro. You watched the terrible thing on it. But it always gave me a bellyache. Yeah, I always hated it. I remember I got kicked out of the bed of the lady I was with.

You were making throat noises. I was making really loud, awful throat noises. Just going, ah, ah. Like, all we would do. I don't know what this mescaline was, but Ed and I would eat it. Throat noises. Yeah, Ed and I would eat it. My boy got it.

Oh, Willie Lump Lump. We would eat it, this mescaline. It was like this pink goo stuff. We'd eat it and then split up every time and then we'd both fall asleep and just have horrible nightmares. So this guy rescued a dog or was it a cat from an imaginary birdhouse? He rescued a dog from an imaginary

yeah yeah yeah because he had mixed acid with cough medicine. Oh wow. You just sort of did a throat thing to your girlfriend at night. Yeah yeah. What do you mean by throat thing? I think I was literally like trapped oh, oh. I was just, I think I was literally, like, trapped in a nightmare. I was just like, oh, oh, oh. Like, and then she came, she's like, you need to sleep on the floor in my living room.

So I went and slept on the floor of the living room. I had a terrible night's sleep. Yeah. And I didn't save anything that night, man. If anything, I was ripping it open, killing stuff with my mentals. Hell yeah, dude. I had a bad time as well. It sounds like an awful drug.

I don't even really... Mescaline is just the adrenal gland, right? It's a desert drug. I thought it was more like chemicals. The pineal gland. I don't know what we had. Our stuff came from us to a chemistry major. It was very weird.

Made our mescaline. He made it. I mean, did he make it from the cactus? I never actually spoke to him. I think you got to get it out of his human being. It sounds like he made some sort of weird synthetic drug like spice or something. It was like Windex or some shit. Yeah, because mescaline's from a cactus.

I thought it was from a person. Yeah, you get mescaline from a biology, like a horticulturist. You don't get it from a chemist. It looks like wet pop rocks. Yeah, we had to like take it in our ears. What? No, that part was a lie. Seems wild to me.

This is what mescaline's supposed to look like. Oh, yeah. Okay. It's more of a powder. That's what it looks like. But it was blue. You just snorted? Oh, yeah. Okay. It's more of a powder. That's what it looks like. But it was blue. You just snorted? I thought it was pink. It looks like there's some bluish

tones there. Yeah, do you snort it or you just swallow it? We ate it. I remember it would be really kind of crunchy in my teeth. It was not tinfoil. It was like sugar almost. You put it on your tongue and you just chew it on your teeth till you fucking feel like

your brain's going to explode. Yeah. All right. Something special there. Don't do it, kids. Well, have you had a horrible hallucinations? Never. Remember when we sat on the floor tripping balls on mushrooms?

Yeah, it was a great harmonious experience. That Neil Young. We didn't have furniture. We watched the Neil Young concert. It's on Netflix now. Classic stuff. I think we watched that one and a couple of other more hidden ones because you had that We didn't have furniture. We watched the Neil Young concert. It's on Netflix now. Classic stuff. I think we watched that one and a couple of other more hidden ones because you had that whole little book of hidden concerts.

Anyway, this is interesting for the people. They want to know more about us and our personal experiences we've had with each other. I don't know. I think that's what people say when they don't want to actually say anything. Yeah? Yeah. Are we not saying anything? No.

We had a great time. We would watch a lot of music documentaries. Are you ashamed of anything? No, we had a great time. I mean, we would watch a lot of music documentaries. Are you shamed of our time together, man? No, I'm not shamed of our fucking time together. I think our time together has been fine. I thought it was fine. It was spectacular. It's been fine.

What do you want it to be? I think it's been a wonderful... What's it supposed to be? Life is fine. A wonderful friendship. Scale of one to ten, what's the spending time with us like? I like this game. I could never put it into a number.

I could never quantify it that way. So if you were, out of always, out of all the times, it's high. It's a high number. Who do you have more fun with in this room? Out of all of you guys? Yeah, you have to pick a person. No numbers involved. Just one person.

That is tough to say. It's not a desert island, but it's a deserted city. Go ahead. You have to pick one. Have fun with everybody differently. You have to pick one. You have to pick one

to have fun with in a deserted city with rabid dogs running around. For like three hours. Yeah, we're going to party. Oh, this is actually tough. If rabid dogs, it's between Marcus and Ed.

I have to be able to defend myself. You would get us killed. Oh, this is actually tough. If rabid dogs, it's between Marcus and Ed. I have to be able to defend myself. You would get us killed. Oh, I wouldn't. What about me? You're going to. I'm going to have a fun. You're bait. I'm bait.

I'm bait. I'm sorry, Marcus. I have to go with Ed just because he likes to drink. That is true. I feel like you would want to go record shopping, but we got three hours. It's a deserted city. I'm not even kidding. I mean, it's deserted, so there's not going to be any records there. No, there would be records, just no people.

Oh, there's free records. Oh, yeah. It's just deserted. Take that, because I'm going to go steal a bunch of stuff. We're going to go put our faces under some taps and laugh and laugh and laugh like idiots. The place is literally called Record Store City. It's all record stores, except for one bar at the edge of town. So that could be fun. Don't take me. I'm going record stores except for one bar at the edge of town. There it is.

So that could be fun. Yeah, don't take me. I'm going to go off and do my own thing. I know, yeah. And we have to just, you know, we have to protect Ed here. So he took the dog with him. Well, troopers say the 43-year-old Michael Orchard of Englewood Drive, up in Half Moon upstate,

told them he mixed LSD with cough medicine Thursday afternoon, and they found him standing heroically with a dog in his arms outside of what he thought was a giant inferno. Trooper Mike Sapiel said he believed that the residence was on fire and he was rescuing the dog. Neighbors tell News Channel 13 Orchard went around the neighborhood banging on doors yelling about a fire since no one would help because there was no fire. The animal lover

took matters into his own hands to save the dog allegedly driving his black bmw sedan through a fence troopers say once orchard got through this fence with his vehicle he got out went up to the back door smashed through it and went inside to save the family's large white dog what an adventure that is a hell of an adventure. The car makes it a little bit more felonious, I think. Not as good. This guy is going to get the shit fucked out of him because of this story.

No way. Oh, no. Oh, I mean, like, getting laid. Like, I would fuck the hell out of this guy. He's obviously wealthy. I mean, I think that's great. I'd be like, oh, my God, he's so brave. Let's see him.

Yeah, he's pretty attractive. Ew. No, he's not. Oh, I'd give him Yeah, he's pretty attractive. No, he's not. Oh, I'd give him an eight easily. He's an eight? He's probably got a cock the size of a fucking barge. We don't know that. A barge?

A garbage barge. You never heard that common expression? Yeah, a garbage barge. Yeah, a dick like a barge. Yeah, a dick like a big fat garbage barge. Maybe it's good if you're having a stutter problem or something. Yeah. Kind of clears it up.

Well, he seems too old to take acid. I think at some point, I mean, I'm never taking a mind breaker again. Why? I'm too old, man. I don't think it'll go back together. I haven't had one in years. I had some ushers recently. I had a great time.

I don't think I could ever handle it again. I had like 20 minutes where it was a little rough, to be honest with you, but then it broke out of it and and had a wonderful evening. I just won't do it like, I'm just not going to be doing it and walking around the city or something. It's got to be a really good scenario. The whole setup's got to happen. I want to go six legs. I'm going to be surrounded by virgins, naked virgins.

We've got to be in the middle of the forest covered in mud and shit. It's going to be a nightmare. Doing a bunch of dead muscles. What? I mean, we're virgins. I don't know. Who knows, Eddie? It's very possible.

Good work, Ed. Well, yeah. I mean, either way, this guy could have done much worse things when he was tripping nuts on acid. He saved the dog even though the house wasn't burning,

but the dog probably loved it. Yeah, the trooper said he drove over yards and through the fence. At no point was he on the roadway and no illegal substances were found in his possession. I'm going to say... So he was only charged with second-degree burglary and third-degree criminal mischief. What about drinking and driving?

It's much worse that he was just on lawns. He didn't really burgle, though, either. He didn't what? He didn't really burgle. I mean, he... He took the dog. He burgled. He didn't take the dog home.

He brought it outside. Yeah. Well, that's tough to say. I think if you take something out of the home, yeah. I mean, he took the dog. He burgled. He didn't take the dog home. He brought it outside. Yeah. Well, that's tough to say. That's still a burgle. Yeah. I don't know. It's a burgle.

I think it's, if it's out of the home, it's a burgle. Well, it's like they have a specific law pertaining to his exact fucking crazy things.

If you steal a pig, is it called a ham burgle? I'm not even going to dignify that. I'm not even going to dignify that. I enjoy that. Was that good? It's a split decision on not even going to dignify that I enjoy that Was that good?

It's a split decision On whether or not that was good I enjoy that I'm in Vince's camp That's all I'm going to say I'm in Vince's camp I enjoy that I enjoyed it It looks like we're

Divided by sides of the room I like my side of the table But by the way There's a fucking Already a well known McDonald's mascot Called the hamburger I mean it's not like

This is Yeah but that way You were stealing hamburgers. And Eddie's talking about stealing pigs. That's why it's genius. That's a burgle. All right. But hamburger... I don't know.

I mean, I'm with you. I don't know if it's good. I mean, we've been doing comedy for so long, I don't know what's funny anymore. I'll take it. No, I know you've taken it. You said it and you took it. I like the guy that didn't give a fuck about all the people inside of the house.

Well, there was nobody inside the house. Just the dog? That's why he was breaking inside because the house was burning down. He heard the dog. He saw the dog. I got to go get the dog. He went in and got the dog and he got outside, but there was no fire. I think this is the most upbeat drug story we've heard in a long time.

Usually, they've been ending in cannibalism. He's a nice guy. Good guy. Yeah, and troopers say he was very cooperative. Well, you know, good for him. I got to say, out of all the drug stories. There's no fire. What?

No. That is crazy, though. And the dog was totally fine as well. I just got to say, I think it's worse that he was driving on lawns and not the road, and the fact that he was driving on lawns means that he should still get a DUI. He ain't getting one. That seems strange. Burglary's worse.

Well, tough to say. Second degree burglary. All right. God, I drove on mushrooms all the time. Oh, my God. I don't know. It was so fun. Yeah?

It was like in a video game. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's like a PSA. That's the start of every PSA. But it's not a video game, because game over, you don't get to retry. Never got caught, though. Never got caught. Yeah.

It's like playing Donkey Kong with a moving car. I do like that game. I do enjoy Donkey Kong. All right, so let's see here. Any more stories? Let's go to Russia. No. Vishnikov. You Let's go to Russia. No. Vishnikov.

You want to go to Russia? No, what was the story? Is it upbeat? No. All right, let's do that. I'm going to guess someone put vodka in their ass. All right. Russia's story.

It's more of a calmer story. Okay. Okay. A guy had really long coattails and he got caught up in them on his ankles and slipped. That's my guess

for what the story is. She's a little French. What do you think the story is? Jackie, what do you think the story is? Wait, is that the story first? No.

Okay. Jackie? I think that the bears have taken over their economy and they're like, oh, they ripped up all the money and they're like,

oh, now we have nuts and fish are the money of Russia. That's what I think is happening. That's actually a good guess. That's a pretty good guess. Are there bears in the story? No. Okay. Ed, what's your...

Oh, instead of blankets, they use cabbage now. Oh, that could work. That's too positive, though. This is a dark story. Oh, okay. Then it rotted and everyone got gross shit in their fucking heads. Cabbage rot. Cabbage rot. Yeah.

And Ben already knows the story. Kind of. I completely forgot it. Well, the Kaluga region in western Russia has begun selling thorn apple tincture, a medicine consisting of 70% ethyl alcohol from vending machines. Consumers can now get a hold of a 100-milliliter bottle of the alcoholic medicine for just 20 rubles. That's about 32 cents.

Wow. 24 hours a day without having to visit a pharmacy. Despite its purported ability to ease heart pains, the tincture, called Boyoryshnik, is widely consumed by problem drinkers as an alcohol surrogate due to its high alcohol content and low cost. Now, what do I die? What is this? 20 rubles, 35 cents.

Russians always try and kill each other. Yeah, yeah. The medicine has a cost per milliliter of spirit of just 0.21 rubles, which is about.003 cents, making it far more cost effective than even the cheapest bottle of vodka. Huh. So what kind of alcohol is it?

It is... Ethyl. Ethyl alcohol. So like super strong. Yeah. Is that like what they were huffing in Fear and Loathing? Walking all crazy? No, that's ether.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Different. Now, ethyl alcohol, highly flammable. So now they have medicine and vending machines? Yeah. Alcohol. It's alcoholic.

Yeah, it's alcohol medicine. It's thorn apple tincture. That's interesting. They are drunks. In 2011, that was the first time they classified beer as alcohol. Before that, it was just beer. Not even alcoholic. Isn't that something?

The accompanying advertisements for the Boyarca 24 Machines Promise buyers, revenues of 36,000 rubles, $576 per month, whilst claiming that demand for the fluid is growing every day because of hard times. Oh my God. Jackie? Do they shoot

it? No, they just drink it. Yeah, they shoot it like a shot. Oh, okay. Yeah, I think so. When you say shoot it, I thought you meant like a needle. That's one of the vending machines. They look like condom machines. They don't even mix it with cranberry juice?

I think they don't have cranberry juice in Russia. They don't have anything. They have cranberry juice in Russia. They have cranberries. Yeah, in Russia, cranberries juice you. You're not getting that one. I actually thought that was pretty good. You thought that was good?

You thought that was good? Yeah, the juice. You know what? I'm the only one throwing them out here. All right, so we always. You don't like hamburger, but you like in Russia, cranberry juice you? Slight laugh.

That's the most I've heard Ben laugh in 10 years I'll take it That's good That's the most I've never heard that man laugh so heartily That's a hell of a bit Yeah That's a good bit But what do you

Is that your I mean you can't open with your closer Or where does he go from there? He opened with the other joke I guess he did open We didn't like that one That's a bad opener Because half the room didn't like it

I'm just spitballing I think you should probably walk out in panties, nothing else, and go, Oh, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo. Right? That's your opener. And then launch into the rush of jokes. There was an open mic comedian way back in the day who had a daughter, and she would come watch him perform every now and again.

Huge fat guy. That was his closer, actually, was he would take down his pants and reveal that he was wearing panties. Wow. Funny guy. He did that multiple times at an open mic. Is that what you're saying to me right now? Multiple times on every show that I ever saw him do. And yes.

With a small child in tow. No, it was like a teenage girl. Oh, a teenage girl. No, no, he was an old guy. Yeah, no, she was always ashamed. Yeah. Can we talk about the open mic-er that killed his mother? No, we didn't even know about this.

What? One of the guys here, one of the regulars at the creek, stabbed his mother to death. What? Last Sunday. Last Sunday? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The real creepy tall guy with the deep voice. He was always outside.

He was always real scary. He'd always come try and smoke, and he was drinking hard, and he was fucking real scary, and he stabbed his mother to death last week. Jesus. Yeah. I'm not sure if we can talk about that. But do you remember his name? Do you know his name?

What is his name? Oh, man, can we finally have a meta last podcast episode about a person like... Stand-up comedian stabs mother to death in Virginia. If that's not the story, then I don't know what will be. If that's not the damn headline... I hope it's not the kid that I'm thinking of. He was very nice. Well, you know, not to everybody. You know, we asked for a light story earlier.

We were like, let's have a fun story. Well, then Eddie just came out. I mean, good Lord, Eddie. We've all met this guy. We've all totally met this dude. Well, we never met his mother. No, no, no, no. How'd you meet my mother?

It should be a TV show. You know what I'm saying? That's pretty good. That's great. No, you get nothing. What? Sorry. Nothing for that?

No, I met your mother. It's a show. Never seen it. It's with the unbelievably straight Neil Patrick Harris. It's over and over. Oh, my God. It's all the way. Beautiful children.

Do you love his children? Those kids. What would you name them? And their Halloween costumes. Would you put them in butter? Yeah, of course I would. And I would slap them on some bread and say, you're my buttery bread. And I'd go, oh, you want some garlic?

Oh, you want some garlic? I talk like that. I don't know what's happening right now. A little parsley. And then I slurp it down. All right. Well, you know what? I'm not sure if any of this is staying in the show.

We'll find out. It's fine. We'll find out. But yeah, he was always around. Tall guy. Long hair. I can't get past this now. I have to know who it is. He had a shitty little goatee and

he was always just real tall and always hanging over you. Well, he was just tall. I feel like you're really nailing this tall thing. I'm just trying to describe himself. So you just say he's tall, tall, looming over you. He's just trying to stand. All of us tall people are just trying to stand. Listen, man.

If he was tall, he would do it. We're not looming over anybody. We're just trying to live. That's what you're trying to do when you're being all tall like that. You're trying to stand. You're trying to stand. Good God almighty. My mother is safe.

Don't. I mean, well. This guy killed my mother. Have you met his mother? I'm going to shoot you. Don't. How did he meet his mother? It doesn't matter how he met her.

Is that TV show? How did he meet? Is it that TV show? Why is he seeing it like that? I don't know. I can't think anymore. I can't breathe anymore. All right.

Marcus. I'm waiting on an answer. We're waiting on a name. We'll get it later on in the show if we can even reveal anymore. All right. Marcus. I'm waiting on an answer. We're waiting on a name. We'll get it later on in the show if we can even reveal this kind of information. I mean, I'm sure we can. Yeah, why not? It's public information. Seems intense.

It's definitely in the news. Yeah. Is it? It's definitely in the news? Yeah, it's definitely in the news. Marcus couldn't find it. Stand-up comedian. Or maybe like Long Island.

I don't think he gets to be called stand-up comedian. And it was in Long Island? Long Island City, man. He killed her in Virginia. He lives here. Oh, we can't even find the story? He went to Virginia. He stabbed his mom.

He took her car and her dog. And then they found him sleeping in the car down the street from the creek. Well, that's just good. At least they took the dog. That's not... That doesn't make it better. He didn't kill the dog. That dog's dead by now. I'll tell you that much.

You think so? Of course. They send him to the pound here. This pound doesn't care about any animals. They just put him down right away. They're a bunch of scoundrels over there. They should remake pound puppies, but they're all getting euthanized. That is sad.

I love pound puppies. Do they still have the baby puppies inside of them? Sure, yeah. One of the pound puppies did, that's right. They all had the puppies inside of them. No, not all of them. pound puppies did. That's right. They all had the puppies inside of them. No, not all of them. The puppies and the kitties.

You just didn't know how many you had. No, if it was a girl pound puppy or you could buy a boy pound puppy and they didn't have any puppies inside of them, that's not how it worked.

Did you have a stuffed pound puppy? I did. Oh, yeah. I had multiple ones. Really? Oh, yeah. I named them all. Well, they named them for you,

but I renamed them. I don't know. What did you rename them? Barnabas and Abraham. Barnabas and Abraham? I'm them? Barnabas and Abraham. Barnabas and Abraham? I'm sure. Barnabas and Abraham. Is that real?

Please tell me that's right. Your pound puppies were named Barnabas and Abraham? I was a child. I was indoctrinated with religion. Yeah. Abraham the pound puppy. Yes. He was wise beyond his pound puppy years.

I had a pound puppy. Yeah? But it didn't have all the puppies in it. It was just like a stuffed animal. No, I didn't know there were boy and girl Pound Puppies. You just got the girl Pound Puppy. It's indoctrination at a young age.

You know what I fucking had? Teddy Ruxpin. Oh, yeah, he's making a comeback. But the tape's in. Really? Yeah, he's coming back. With what, mini discs? Like, what's he coming back with?

And then you just download some shit. Yeah, you just download it all. Yeah, and his eyes glow. There's fucking discs. Yeah? Yeah. He records everything in the house. He's you just download it all. And his eyes glow. There's fucking ghosts. Yeah. He records everything in the house. He's like an elf on the shelf.

He's disgusting. Elf on the shelf! Come on. Jesus Christ. Oh my God, elf on the shelf! His stomach was too hard. Yes. Teddy Ruxpin.

She's like a big metal machine. But now it's no longer that. Big scary metal machine. I mean, I've told the Furby story before about my grandmother in the Furby that she couldn't shut off, so she put it in the back of her closet for like a month and it just haunted her. That is so great. If I remember you had that Furby, it was awful. Furby's are terrible.

Why did you keep it? It was so annoying. Because Homer gave it to me as a gift. That was the new gift. And I don't throw away a gift. That's not true. You should always throw away a gift. All right, Marcus, any other news?

No, I found the new Teddy Ruxpin. Let's see him. Let's see it. Oh. Ew. On the right, huh? The eyes are scary. Yeah, why did they give him indigo children eyes?

Yeah. Well, they're digital eyes. Oh, so they film you now. Yeah. No, the eyes, it's just digital. Like, they move digitally. Yeah. I don't think they're cameras. I'm sure rainbows come in and shit like that. Oh, man. He it's just digital. Like, they move digitally. I don't think they're cameras.

I'm sure rainbows come in and shit like that. Oh, man. He didn't need pants. No, in the 80s, he was wearing... No, he's got pants. Look, he's got pants. He was wearing a onesie. He had a onesie.

He had a leotard on. Like a good bear. Either way, he's going to grow up to be shot. Now he looks like he works at Walmart. Well, that's what they want these kids to aspire to be nowadays. It's goddamn truth. Oh, of course. They're trying to just breed them into Walmart.

Yeah, just never leave. One day they just shut the door behind you. They give you a blue vest, and then you start working there. You start shopping there at 10. You're working there at 16. Make one as big as the moon, and everybody can just live in it and work in it and just be in it all the time, and you're just buying and living and being. Vitamin D pills, never have to leave the store.

We need more than that. Make it as big as Virginia. Make it as big as it can be. That's a good point. I bought a blender yesterday. Oh, I heard about that. Raw foodist? No, not a raw foodist.

I like to stay fully clothed. That's amazing. That's like a big step for you. Strawberries, rum, bananas. Right, that's like a big strawberries. Okay, uh rum bananas, right? caperlope and uh A lot of ice cantaloupe. Oh cantaloupe and yogurt. That's your binder you put cantaloupe and strawberries You don't put yogurt and rum together chubby You don't put yogurt and rum together.

You wouldn't know, chubby. Whoa! That's not a key to being fit. Chubby. Yes, I also had a Domino's pizza. Okay. But I didn't put that in the blender. See, I was about to say, have you ever tried liquefying meat?

Nope, but I will now. There you go. I'm so happy to have it. I was about to blend my coffee this morning. Wow. Just for fun. Just for fun. Just make it a culotta.

I want to make everything to be culotta. What do you mean by blend coffee? Make the coffee, put some ice, put it over ice, cool-ata. Make it a cool-ata. Ice coffee? Cool-ata. It's ice. First of all, the ice makes it a cool-ata. We're out of iced coffee season, Ben.

It makes me furious to even think that you're doing that to your coffee, right? We are out of iced coffee. It's going to be like 80 degrees this week. We are out of iced coffee. No, no. It's going to be like 80 degrees this week. Hot? No. It's the fall, people. Am I the only person who's-

I don't live by the calendar. The calendar is all wrong. Wow. Hot coffee. Global warming, buddy. Dig into it. Dig into it. It is going to be 80 degrees.

You're scaring me. Is it really going to be 80? 80 degrees. So when you guys want to bang down my door to get my culottes and I have it fully locked, it'll be very exciting. I just gave back my AC units. You did? I put them in my storage unit.

Oh, buddy. I'm fucked. Big mistake there. That's a big mistake, buddy. Three hot nights. Three hot nights in the city. You're done, Eddie. I'm going out of town. That's great. Culotta. I'd have you over, but I don't want you. And the news forecast for New York, New York coming up in the next week. Tomorrow, mostly cloudy with a high of 81, low of 67, 20% chance of precipitation.

Tuesday, high of 83, low of 69. Sunny. Wednesday, high of 82, low of 63 But Thursday the shower's gonna come in And they're gonna cool it right down High of 73, low of 63 And by the time we get to Friday We're gonna be getting more to that Halloween spirit

High of 65, low of 55 With AM showers going in To your Halloween That's all ice coffee weather And now to Jerk woman Jackie with the traffic. Oh yeah, we got a lot of cars. Nobody wearing a

seatbelt and who gives a fuck? Hey, you're in my way. Oh, am I in your way? Why don't you go ahead and fuck yourself? I just pissed in a two liter bottle. I don't give a fuck My pussy's got a funnel

Alright we just get in that helicopter And get back to the studio jerk lady Saturday high of 60 low of 50 Not bad New York City partly cloudy 10% chance of precipitation Beautiful weather Alright should we do another news story Marcus?

Yeah let's do another news story Let's do another acid story Alright Yeah we're getting groovy this week Yeah groovy A naked man was arrested All right, should we do another news story, Marcus? Yeah, let's do another news story. Let's do another acid story. All right. Yeah, we're getting groovy this week. Yeah, groovy. A naked man was arrested late Friday morning after driving the wrong way on Highway 111 in Hamilton County, Tennessee, and causing a crash. The man, Dennis Nixon, also told an officer he loved her and tried to give her a kiss.

Nixon admitted to taking acid and said that God gave him the acid because God wanted him to be free. That's awesome. I like this guy, too. Hell yeah. These are two cool acid guys who I feel like should have just got a slap on the wrist. I don't know who he's going the wrong way. He's going the wrong way, and he caused an accident. He's facing three charges of aggravated assault and charges of felony reckless endangerment,

driving under the influence, felony vandalism, driving the wrong way, and indecent exposure. Vandalism? Seems like he had a bit of a time before they arrested him and he told them that God wanted him to get high. Oh. There you go. So this guy's worse than the guy who saved the dog from the non-Bernie and Bernie house. For sure. This guy's much worse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had three witnesses said he swerved into traffic going the wrong way and matched their lane changes as their vehicles neared each other. He is suspected of driving at speeds of over 90 miles per hour. Oh, yeah. That's a little too much. I mean, if it was a video game, that would be extremely fun, I guess, if you're on a face full of acid or a brain full of acid to be cruising down there. I don't have that kind of confidence on hallucinogens.

I don't know what people are thinking. Yeah, hallucinogens, it's like I'm in the corner. Oh, yeah, he's totally naked. Oh, he was nude. Yeah, this is a picture of him. Nice. Oh, my goodness. He kind of looks like a brother that I might have.

He does look kind of like a kisser. He's very pale. He's got red hair. And then, I don't know. I feel like you just toss him in a briar patch. Yeah. So, I love to, like, I don't know if I've talked about this on this show before, but I love to watch videos of people freaking

Out in public I like to watch public freak out videos especially people who get tased and stuff But I also there's one subset and people getting removed from airplanes is like one of the best ones But there's another subset That's just people who took too much and they're just losing their shit and like you watch like the police show up and like Strap first of all to that you get strapped to a gurney because you're freaking out on acid or whatever it is. Yeah. So then they strap you down onto a gurney in front of all these people looking at you. And, you know, there's this one great one where this guy is standing on a balcony.

He's just like, I am God. I am God. I am God. I am God. And you just watch the cops like bust into the apartment and fucking holding guns at him. He's like, shoot me,

shoot me. I am God. Shoot me. And you watch them like you hear like a lamps breaking and stuff and he gets taken down and stuff. But I just want to recommend this. So look up just people freaking out on mushrooms, people freaking out.

There's actually a subreddit on Reddit called R took too much. And it's a bunch of videos of just people on various drugs just losing their shit. One time the ambulance came to my place and strapped a kid down to a gurney. Man, that story. Really? From weed? Just from weed. That happened recently, huh?

No, that was like six years ago. Long time ago. Long, long time ago. Yeah, he took too much Butterball and freaked out out and his girlfriend made us call the fucking ambulance it was awful that's awful yeah i mean he just passed out he's too high why he's got way too high and he got like he got perma stoned like he just couldn't fucking move he was apparently apparently yes he did have some sort of seizure but but that was just because he just took a bong hit that was just way too big and all of the oxygen shut off to his brain

and then when he awoke um he uh and also he was my intern and that was his first night first and last yeah first and last man he never came huh? He did show back up at my door like two days later to get his girlfriend's MetroCard. MetroCard? They had just moved to the city. They had just moved to the city like a week or two before. How do you leave? Man. Yeah.

Why would you leave? You lose that MetroCard. You chalk that up to you're not going to get that back. I don't think they lasted very long here. I don't think so. I think they went home pretty fast I would assume yeah the whole time she said Michael Michael trying to like patent on like trying to get him to wake up and he's just sitting there staring me just

let him be just like she'd stop freak that's what I kept on suck stop freaking out like what kind of music does he like he loves the Beatles. Oh, class. Okay, well, let's put some fucking. Now we have to listen to the fucking Beatles. Yeah, now we have to. Exactly. What'd you put on? Day Tripper, yeah. I think I just put on Abbey Road. Yeah. And I was like, okay, fine.

Now we have to listen to the fucking Beatles. Get the cops over there. Lock that guy up. Loves the Beatles. Yeah, loves the Beatles. That's why I can't handle. No one who loves the Beatles can handle their shit. Yeah.

Like, you can't love the Beatles. Well, I mean, I, I, she has a tattoo on her fucking body. It was a long time ago. Do you regret the tattoo? I love talking to people who regret their tattoos.

I don't regret it. No, it's fucking on my body. I don't give a fuck. What is it? I did it. Let it be. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got that. Let it be. Let it be. Yeah, I was 18 years old. Let it be. And I was wasted and I got a fucking tattoo. That's how it fucking goes, baby. They say you can't do it when you're wasted, but you definitely can in Tallahassee, Florida.

It just reminds me of this time in Amsterdam when we ate a bunch of mushrooms with this one girl. Ate everybody's leftovers because nobody could stomach all of their mushrooms. Except for this one girl who, in our group, and at one point we were sitting out front of this cafe by the canals. And she, like, wasn't talking and she was kind of, her eyes were darting all over the place. And then she just turned, threw up a bunch of, like, brown goop on the ground. It looked like mud. And then just had a crazy seizure. Yeah.

Middle of Amsterdam. First night there. It was a nightmare. Yeah. It was an absolute nightmare. That seizure is what. And it is aggravating. It was very aggravating. Yeah, because the cops came and I opened the door.

It wasn't the cops. It was the ambulance. I just opened the door and I go, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're having to waste your time, but she just made us do it. And he's like, it's fine. And he's like, listen fine uh and he's like listen the cops might come they might not just hide all your weed and we were like okay yeah sure thanks man that's and he's sitting there just fucking like shaking getting strapped to a gurney and

you know where they took him woodhull which is like woodhull she ruined his night she ruined his night if we if she would have just let us just calm him down and just hang out. But no, she freaked out and took him to Woodhull at 2 in the morning on a Saturday. The most stoned that he has ever been in his life. Woodhull, for those of you out there who don't know, it is one of the worst hospitals in Brooklyn. The joke is if you get stabbed in front of Woodhull, call a cab and go to a different hospital. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So he got strapped to a fucking gurney, like

a couple of, like, and they were the most, like, wide-eyed white kids that you'll ever see in your fucking life. And by the way, you would get stabbed in front of Woodhull. I used to live by there. It's just a garbage area. Yeah, and you know, and like six, seven years ago, it was even worse than it is. Even worse. And now it's, I mean, it's fine, but. Ten years ago, we lived

there. Yeah, oh my God. And our neighbor was a drug dealer, and they kept kicking in his door every day. Kept kicking in his door. And now it's fine. Ten years ago we lived there. Yeah, oh my God. And our neighbor was a drug dealer and they kept kicking in his door every day. Kept kicking in his door. You kept on buying drugs from him. Me? I stopped. Eventually I stopped. He sold his little $10 little guys.

$10 little tiny weeds. It was like a nug for $10 and it was bullshit. I don't like it. Kalani. I'm pretty sure he's dead. That's his name. He should be dead. He left in the middle of the night. I remember I saw him putting a motorcycle in a U-Haul and he was like, I gotta get out of here, man.

That's the least cool way to get your motorcycle. You gotta ride out on the motorcycle. Yeah, man. Fingering a girl while you're doing it. You can't do that. That's dangerous. That'd be great. Yeah. Just put a helmet on the pussy. How would you do that? How would you? yeah. That's dangerous. No, just put a helmet on the pussy. And how would you do the...

How would you... Whatever. A knee pad. I see. On her vagina, then it'll be protected. Eddie, do we have the name of the mom killer? Oh, let me see. No answer.

No answer. Maybe because they know we're doing Roundtable, they don't want us to say it. Oh, wait. Oh. All right, so maybe we can bleep it if we have to. I can see it. Hmm. All right.

This is interesting. I mean, if it's a legal story, I think we can do it. Give us initials. If it's a news story. JT is the initials. I just got to see the guy. If it's the guy that I'm thinking of, I'm going to be really sad. Damn, they're sending you photos and shit?

Yeah. Uh-oh. We you photos and shit? Yeah. Uh-oh. We have a lot of research here. Breaking story on the round table. This is pretty amazing. It is amazing. I don't know. I mean, a guy with the exact same name is also the best-selling author of ten books,

including The Moses Code, Emissary of Light, and The Art of Spiritual Peacemaking. Story check. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Maybe he finally snapped. Is it the same guy? No, it's not the same guy. This guy was a lunatic who used to hang out here all the time.

He always scared the shit out of me. He wasn't an author, huh? I just emailed it to you, the story. Okay. Oh, okay. Well, you got the story. Yeah, he sent the story and the picture. I think if it's officially, if his name is in the story, I think we can say it.

Yeah. Either way, I just want to hear the story, you know? I don't want to know what happened. A man wanted for questioning in his mother's murder in Virginia was caught dozing in his illegally parked car in Midtown, his late parents' dog by his side. A cop spotted James Twyman, 42, passed out in a blue 2002 Lexus sedan on park avenue near east 55th street uh tywin twyman had a passenger

in his car his murdered mom's beloved schnauzer oh interesting so he was an open mic comedian but they didn't mention that part maybe not a very successful open mic comedian so i guess it was allegedly i think is the what we have to say now. Allegedly, yeah. Because he was in questioning. Well, yeah, because he hasn't finished trial yet. This all happened last Sunday. But allegedly, he took a bus back to Virginia, stabbed his mother, stole her car

with the dog, and came back up here. And he was a spooky dude. He's just wanted for questioning. He hasn't been arrested. Oh, he hasn't been arrested? Allegedly. As far as I know, he's just, I mean, as far as I know, he could be standing outside that door right now.

Wow. This is getting intense. Yeah. It's a Halloween episode. Yeah. It's spooky. Spooky episode. It is kind of spooky.

As of Thursday, no arrest has been made. Do you think he's a vampire? A sexy vampire? You guys honestly don't remember this guy? I don't remember that guy at all. No, I do remember that guy. Yeah? Yeah.

He's fucking creepy, right? He's really, really fucking creepy. He just looks... The reason why... I think he's just tall. He looks like a murderer. He talked to girls. He dresses in black.

He just looks like... I don't know, man. It sounds like you're prosecuting Damien Echols over here. He's just a tall guy who wears black all the time. Who is Damien Echols? Damien Echols was wrongfully convicted. He's part of the West Memphis Three. But at the same time, I think

there's got to be something wrong with somebody who is just starting comedy in their 40s, right? Well, maybe he's been doing the open mic circuit for quite a while. A lot of these people just do that for their whole lives and they call it a day. Again, then you may as well just go kill your mother. I don't know how they met.

Because I think that's where your fucking brain's at. Yeah, could be. I'm not sure. Either way, was he funny? No. Doubt it. He was terrifying. He was terrifying to me.

I got a funny joke for all of you I fantasize about stabbing my mother Here's another funny joke for everybody I love the smell of blood I wonder what he said to put him over the edge What the mother said I don't know Maybe she said he couldn't have the car.

I feel like we've all been at that place with our mothers at some point. It was like, oh, I could stab you to death. I'm not sure about that. One time my mom was yelling at me. She pulled out a knife and told me she was going to stab herself if I didn't agree with her. Oh, it was your Elliot Smith. Yeah. There you go.

Maybe that's how it happened. Why would anyone listen to that? Why would anyone choose to listen to that? I listened to it for a little while, then I realized I should stop. I was a really big Elliot Smith fan for many years. Me too. I'm surprised you're not. It's very mopey.

No, I don't like mopey. You like mopey? No, you love mopey. No, I like like, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days. It's about a friend that he wishes that he could see again. No, it's about his girlfriend who died on the fucking airplane. And I'm gone to Carolina.

It's among the most beautiful songs that ever has been written. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. It's something that doesn't sound sad. Is that all you listen to? Flying machines and pieces on the ground. I listen to a lot of James Taylor. So you just listen to James Taylor and Waylon Jennings? No

I listen to James Taylor, Waylon Jennings I listen to Brown Smash Mouth Jackson Brown Jackson Brown I listen to Johnny Cash I listen to Fleetwood Mac I listen to Miley Cyrus

I listen to I've never seen you listen to music before Ever He listens to lots of music, but it's the same... What's his name? David Allen Coe? Sometimes, but he's a little racy. Really?

You used to swear by him. No, I think he's a great... I mean, some of his songs are good. But you're finally coming around on the... He said some things. He went to jail. He was in prison. He said quite a few things over the years.

I like Earl Sweatshirt. I love Earl Sweatshirt. I had a dream with Tyler, the creator. You are. Yeah. Musical taste is all over the place. You know what I like? I like talker.

I like good lyrics. Yes. That's what I like. Bob Dylan? Bob Dylan's okay, but I like Neil Young more than Bob Dylan. Wow. What about the band? You love the band. Bob Dylan's okay, but I like Neil Young more than Bob Dylan. Wow. What about the band? You love the band.

The band's great. I like good lyrics. Credence is great. Credence is great. What about Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young? Like Southern Cross. Other than that, I think they were a little bit too wealthy at the time they made the albums. They didn't really need to do much.

I only like Stills and Nash. Almost Got My Hair is great. Stills and Nash. It's the only two I like. Yeah. Stills and Nash. You got good lyrics behind you. I can listen to it.

Even a lot of the hip hop or whatever. Yeah, you're a bit of a hip hopper. What do you think Miley Cyrus' good lyrics? Miley Cyrus let people touch her vagina while she was performing on stage. And I do think that we have to take that into account. But yeah, Wrecking Ball makes me cry. And then it's our party. That was written by like a 300-pound black man.

In Ohio. Gay man, yeah and uh um yeah that the the song about the partying that's fun party party no that's that no she's part of the usa it no that's her early work but i feel like that'd be a good national fun one for us miley cyrus is so much better than taylor swift or anybody else absolutely i agree too uh in that genre yeah she's not like Katy Perry. Knock, knock. Who was that? Sia? You fucking re... I'm not going to say it. I can't say that word anymore.

I can't say that word anymore. They won't let me say that word. Who won't let you say it? The world. We have Henry in free speech all the time. Holden is always on the verge. I'm always on the verge. Look, Sia, can I make a case to you for Sia? Sure.

Have you spent any time with Sia? You really should. She's all right. She's good. She's all right? Right? Yeah, she's all right. I love her.

You're a dog. What about Gordon Lightfoot? I like Gordon. He tells a tale. Oh, man. Gordon. Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. That's right.

He mentions Wisconsin. No, he's Canadian. No, I know, but he mentions Wisconsin. Oh, he. Gordon. Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. That's how he mentions Wisconsin. No, he's Canadian. No, I know, but he mentions Wisconsin. Oh, he mentions Wisconsin. I've been listening to a lot of Croce lately, too. Oh, my God. Croce is so good. He's a blabbermouth if you ever listen to him live.

I'll tell you that much. Yeah. It's the mustache's fault. I don't like all that yammering. Get to the songs. Get to the songs. That's why I paid my money to see, right? Yeah, I agree. That's why I'm out money to see, right? Yeah, I agree.

That's why I'm out here right now. I want to see you do your dance. Well, that's why if a stand-up just goes off all of a sudden. Plane crash, Jim Croce. Plane crash. Yeah. Very good, yeah. Jim Croce plane crash?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of good music out there. A lot of it. All right, it's time for a segment called Minnelli. Halloween. Spooky Make a monster

What? That's right Marcus Parks Wants to ruin The all ghouls ball I hate the all ghouls ball I like the all ghouls ball He hates it

I usually love it But this year They went too far This year it's run It's run by all of his Ex-girlfriends All of his ex-girlfriends. All of his ex-girlfriends are curating it. Oh, really?

Yes, it's the all-goals ball. He cannot stand it this year. He needs a monster to go ruin the ball, Ben. And Ed and Jackie, the people surrounding me right now. And I will come up with the first monster. Good Lord. You've got a week to think about it. Yes, I have.

It's called the Screaming Beast. Okay, all right. It's just a big dog with a bunch of my heads coming out of it, just covered in my face all over it. It's totally a party room. It runs in. It runs in, and I'm just all of my heads, all my faces are screaming, right? Just constantly.

Constantly screaming. If you kill one face, another grows back. Okay. Right? Constantly screaming. Dick's so big, it drags on the floor underneath it, all right? And if you step on it accidentally, it just screams even, like, so mad when you do it. It's like turning off the volume button.

Yes. Can it also be like constantly dribbling piss? Oh, of course. All the time. A discharge. Discharge. Well, yeah. What does it sound like?

A green discharge. Green milky discharge. Green milky discharge. I said that on screen. That's what it sounded like now. I said that on screen, that's supposed to sound like now. But then they're different, because they're all doing it at the same time, so there's also one going like... He wins.

That is the worst thing. He wins. He wins. Oh the worst thing He wins How does it smell? Oh terrible Terrible Yeah and it feeds on pussy juice And it

Yeah Alright good Milk vomit That's what it smells like Old milk Old milk All right, good. Oh, that's good. Oh milk vomit. That's what it smells like. Yeah, old milk. Yeah Old milk, but old milk that has been drank and then vomited back up. Yeah Yeah The only way to get it to be quiet is to put on

Porn of people shitting on each other the only way to get it to stop talking Well, you've got to turn up the but on a Volume that is proportionate to its screaming. And all the faces are all over it so you have to have multiple screens surrounding it to get the whole thing to be quiet. Alright, that's the monster,

right? Yeah, that's the monster. My monster is the monster that's going to ruin the ghoul ball. All the ghouls are there. Mine is a 42-year-old man with long black hair who is tall who wants to do a tight five, and that's all that he talks about. He's working on a new tight five. He's an open miker for life, and that's the scariest of all.

What's his name? What's the name of the monster? Let me see. I'm going to say his name is Cigarettes Beef. There you go, Cigarettes Beef. That's a good monster. Yeah, his closer is when he eats a cigarette and smokes a beef. It's kind of fun.

Oh, God. Jack. Yeah, right? Just gets it. Makes the skin crawl. My monster's name is the Cock Cat. Top of it, it's the size of five men put together the top of it is a rooster the bottom of it is a panther but it has a huge vagina that keeps

shooting out eggs and every time it shoots out eggs they break open a bunch of like other cock cats come out of it but the top of them are pecking at people. And the bottom, the only way that you can make it stop shooting out eggs, so make the pecking stop and making the clawing stop, because the paws are clawing, is that you gotta get your fingers up inside the pussy of the panther

and you gotta sedate it. You gotta make it come or else it won't stop shooting out eggs. But it's a panther, so that is kind or else it won't stop shooting out eggs. But it's a panther, so that is kind of cool. Panthers don't have eggs. No, but the top of it is a cock. It's a rooster.

It's a monster. It's a monster. It's a monster. There are no rules when it comes to monsters. Yeah, it's a monster. It can be anything. Okay. Ed Larson. Monster me.

Ed Larson Monster me Mine's a 450 pound Slippery fat man Who's at the party He's bald he's sweating You feel kind of bad for him But then he's always fucking apologizing Always just like oh I'm sorry

I'm sorry Things are better when I'm not around I'm sorry I'm fucking I'm sorry And Things are better when I'm not around. That's actually the winner. I'm sorry. I'm fucking, I'm sorry. And then he pukes. He's like, oh, no, I did it again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Make it stop. And he farts. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Make it stop. I'm sorry. Quit apologizing. It's fine. Oh, my God.

I peed on the seat. I'm sorry. I can't clean it. I can't clean it. I can't clean it. I can't reach the seat because I can't find my... I'm sorry. That is absolutely horrific. Marcus, he's got to win.

I think Eddie wins, but I'm not in control. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? I'm not in control. Yeah, well, that's the thing is that, Holden, your monster would end the party, but Edge would ruin the party because it would keep going. The party would keep going and people would keep going. I was too aggressive. I was too aggressive. Yeah, yeah.

And then you're about to be having a good time. And then what's his name? Oh, no one even knows. I'm sorry. I mean, Cigarette Beef would actually entertain that party more than that guy. But then I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, at least your thing's a story.

Mine is just like, that was a bad time. He's just sweating. I bet he smells bad, too. Oh, of course. Yeah, no one wants to hear the story of that guy. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my medicine. I can't find got to hear the story of that guy. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my medicine. I can't find my medicine.

Where did I put it? Someone help me find my medicine. Not good. All right. What's your medicine? Die without my medicine. It's for my cough and my liver. It's a bag of medicine.

It's probably for all your secretions, too. I have my wounds. It's a bag of medicine. It's probably for all your secretions. I have my wounds. It's from my wounds. What wounds? From what? You know, just from me sitting and picking. Alright, well if you stop talking to him, the nightmare goes

away. Oh my god. I got blood on your stop. Oh my god. I got blood on your couch. I'm sorry. I've got all these scabs. I'm sorry they're making a weird sound when I start to scratch at them.

I'm sorry. Come everybody, hop on the screaming beast and we'll ride away. And I do a tight five. Alright. Alright. Wow. Thank you so much everybody. Good win, Eddie. A rare win, but a strong win.

That's strong. With under. I thought it was a shoe win. He really, I mean, he swooped in. With a low key. I thought I had it so hard. Good move, good move, Eddie. It feels good to win again.

Hell yeah, just like the Miami Dolphins did today. Doctor, doctor. Give me the news. Miami Dolphins won. Fucking A-right. Okay. Jackie, Eddie, anything to plug? Holden?

Plug your show, Holden. Yeah, listen to the Brighter Side. Listen to Wizard and the Bruiser. Wizard and the Bruiser. We all got our own shows now. We all have our own shows now We're all grown up I've been doing my shows for a really long time Page 7

And Sex and Other Human Activities I'm the Donald Trump of this room now Bitches You can be Donald Trump of this room You can be Donald Trump forever and ever I'm a rape girl You are the Donald Trump of this room. Technically every show she gets one.

That wasn't my Donald Trump character. All right, everyone. Yes, follow everyone on their social media programs. Oh, and listen, watch Jeff Ross Rose Cops and the new Michael Moore in Trumpland. I worked on that. It's coming out this week on iTunes. Michael Moore in Trumpland? Yeah.

I've got to tell you all about it. Yeah, I can't wait. Um, you come back on top and talk about it. Fuck yeah. All right, everyone. We'll talk to you soon. For more shows like the one you just listened to go to cave comedy, radio.com.