The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 336: Runnin' Out Of Bananas

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

The gang learns about the arrest of the scariest clown you'll ever meet, the World Dog Surfing Championships, and why you shouldn't light bugs on fire.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. All right. Should I host? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, okay. Ed? Gentlemen, always civility.

All right. Should I host? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Ed, I'm giving you one shot here. Fucking one shot to make the hoop. Hey, everybody. How you doing?

The Red Table of Gentlemen. All right. Live from the last podcast on the Left Studios. Holy smokes. What a show we got for you today. Do we got Ben? Fuck that. Do we got Jackie?

She's drinking. Oh, no, she's drinking in Florida. Seriously, though, I am concerned about her drinking habits. She's drinking too much. Florida brings it out in you. I am hosting instead of Ben Kissel. I'm Ed Larson. And holy shit, we have a special fly-in guest, Mr. Bird Luger.

How you doing, buddy? I'm doing all right, man. I'm here through the power of technology combined with the powers of God. That's what brings me to this podcast here today. God made Skype. Majesty. Majesty is beautiful. That's why the logo is a bunch of clouds.

Oh, yeah. I say right now, man, I haven't used Skype in years, but looking at it right now, this is magic. Yeah. It's beautiful. It used to be all bullshitty. It used to be all choppy and fucked and everything sucked, you know, and you'd see a dick every now and then. A dick would just pop up on the screen for no fucking reason. And then it turned out to be a fucking mean old clit.

Yeah, no, it's like before it used to be terrible, but right now everything is so smooth. I feel like I'm right there in a room with y'all, except it seems like, you know, y'all weigh less because the picture is smaller than you are. Getting back out there, by the way. I'm doing some running and sort of trying to reel back in the weight gain that is of course happened the moment I walked away from my job

Holden Nader's ho how are you feeling out there Cincinnati if you don't live in Cincinnati get fucked Holden McNeely here to bring it to all together

I know it's been a couple weeks since we've done PlayStation Network shout outs so you're pro Cincinnati now absolutely I love when was I against Cincinnati

I didn't know when your fucking bitch went to sleep. Whoa. I'm sorry. That is where she's from. That is true. Yes. That is.

That is where she's from. That is. I apologize to your girlfriend. PlayStation Network shout outs. Let me preface this with thank God they're back, right? Because they went away for a couple weeks. I fucked up. I thought you're down to six, though.

Right, Marcus? Yeah, seven. Seven. I put eight in, so maybe he'll give me a bonus one. We'll see how they go. We'll see how they go. Now, I will say this, okay? I have to lay this down for everybody.

People are going to be fucking pissed at me. People are going to fucking hate me for this shit, all right? I got a new phone, okay? And my notes didn't transfer into the new phone right. I backed it up on my laptop, but I cannot any longer find those notes. So there is a chunk, a thick chunk, a fucking loads worth of PlayStation Network shoutouts that may be lost from the people. Okay? Jesus Christ.

Can I just say this right now? If you don't hear your PlayStation Network shout-outs over the next, like, few weeks... You're an idiot free of... No, no, no. You're a beautiful, special, fucking wonderful human being, all right? But you may have to resend them,

and don't hate me. Okay, let's start. DamnBearPig, did you know that a load of semen carries 37 megabytes of information? Really? Wow. That's... Wait, wait. Information? Yeah, what do you mean megabytes? semen carries 37 megabytes of information? Really? Wow.

Wait, wait. Information? Yeah, what do you mean megabytes? Are men that smart? I mean, like megabytes of information. Like if you put all the DNA together, the information that the load carries, then it adds up to 37.5 megabytes of information. If you were to type it all out into a text file, it would be a 37-megabyte text file.

I'll tell you what, Ed. So the next time you get ahead, you can be like, I'm taking you to school? If you think about it, that really ain't that much. I mean, 37 megabytes given nowadays. I mean, that's like 37 megabytes is only about three levels in Journeyman Project Turbo. And that was a game on Windows 95.

It was a wild one.. That's like the whole that's like the Pamela Anderson Tommy Lee sex tape which is not that long and not really worth it. It's about half an album's worth. I'll tell you what though, Ed's got fucking a terabyte drive in his balls. I'll tell you that right now.

I got the white album in there, baby. Dan Bear Pig says, Hey Holden, I want to get a shout out to prove some of us are normal. Shout out to my homeboy, Connor,

and want to thank everyone involved with Cave Comedy Radio. You guys make my work day so much more enjoyable. Holden, let's get down on some MKX. Peace.

Danger 9mm says, Holdenators, oh, I love everything CZR pumps out. Miss Ed and how he gets annoyed before every shout out segment bring the cowman to chicago and tell jackie to i dip my fries in mayonnaise to play some battlefield one with me oh so he misses me yeah about how much i don't like the

shout out he likes how upset but he was supposed to shout out to just piss me off. Yeah. All right, cool. Fuck him. I just want to make sure. And it's Danger 9mm, and 9mm stands for 9mm. Immediately forgotten. Okay. Light Magic Ian says, Hi Holden, love all the CCR podcasts. Marcus, Ben, Holden, and all the others.

Brighten up my shitty work day. Can Marcus shout out a big Magoostalations to my 15-year-old daughter, Emily, who loves Last Podcast on the left. Magoos-tellations, Emily. She has named all her goldfish after the heavy hitters. I wonder how she does at school. She's great. She's the whiz.

Would you like to come over and see my fish named Albert? Keep up the good work, guys, and bring Roundtable to Wales. Larry the Best Frog says, my shout out. I'm too nice to insult everyone. I'm probably the youngest fan at age 14. I want to animate the show soon. If you have any suggestions on what you guys would want to look like, I'm open to suggestions.

Holdenators, love y'all. I would say, for me, a walrus, Ed. Monkey top, dolphin y'all. I would say for me, a walrus, Ed. Monkey top, dolphin bottom. Okay. Loch Ness Monster with wings, man. You already know that. Mark Scott. Chupacabra in a bathtub.

Okay, there you go. Dr. L. Leon One says, Holdenators, can you ask? Ben's like a big fat tree, like an overweight tree, like an ant from Lord of the Rings. Yeah, yeah, an ant. But he's got like a big stomach and he's saddled. Yeah, he's got a big stomach with a bunch of babies swimming around in it. Oh, Nito, can you ask the members of the round table to make the sounds of their favorite dinosaurs? I'm homesick for the Mesozoic.

Thanks. I'm going to go with Triceratops. Hey, hey! He was a barker yeller. A lot of people don't know that about Triceratops. He barked and he yelled. Ed, you got one for us? What's that?

Sounds like a dinosaur taking a shit. I'm a big brachiosaurus fan. I really like the brachiosaurus. That's him eating a tree. That's such a nice guy. Kevin? I'd have to go with the Nietzsche-saurus, and I feel like they could potentially make a sound like,

mm-hmm, and we don't know that they can't. You know, we don't know that they can't, so I'm going to say that that's what the sound of them was. I'm going to go with a Gallimimus. Ah! Oh, man, that's a terrifying screech. The thing is, the Gallimimus. Oh, man, that's a terrifying screech. It's a terrifying screech. The thing is, the Gallimimus is really small.

Oh, is that the one that would, like, they have a bunch of them, they attack you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember the ones that ate the little girl at the beginning of Jurassic Park 2? Rock and roll. Yeah, that's a Gallimimus. And I'll finish it off here.

Bird 420 Luger says, Uh-oh. Ho, ho, ho, shout-outs. This is all in caps, by the way, so that's why I'm saying it louder. When's Holden going to talk for 30 minutes? Again, I have this dream of spending my whole day listening to nothing but Holden talks for 30 minutes episodes.

Jesus. God damn it. This guy's got it all wrong, except for his name. And that's been your PlayStation Network shout-out. I got to correct myself. It's not 37.5 megabytes per load. It's 37.5 megabytes per sperm. It's 1,500 terabytes per load.

Whoa. That's amazing. I'm just going to start doing it on my computer. Yeah, just start coming inside your computer. More storage. Yeah, more storage. This your computer. More storage. Yeah, more storage. This is great. It's changing our lives, Marcus.

Every day is better than the last. Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm here for. Speaking of which, news story? Got news stories. A man accused of drunkenly strolling down a road in Maine wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and a clown mask and brandishing a machete taped to his amputated arm socket

has been arrested. Why? Maine State Police told WCHTV that 31 year old Corey Berry of Hollis was arrested Tuesday and charged with criminal threatening. Was he really though? All he was, yeah, he was just

living the dream, man. If you got one arm, you put a blade in it. That's what you do. That's the dream. That's what I've always thought. And it's a machete. It's not like a sword. It's not made for killing. It's made for, like, walking down trees.

What if he's walking through the woods? This is convenient for him. He actually was walking through the woods. Police say Barry was first spotted in Hollis, but then fled into the woods. And he was taken into custody after re-emerging in Waterboro, the next town over. This fucking dude, he needs a good attorney easily getting off of this. You got a mask on because you don't want shit to hit you in the face when you're whacking all these trees trying to get through the woods.

Of course you got a mask on. Why are you wearing a clown mask? Only mask I got. What the fuck's wrong with you? What do you want to do? You got a problem with clowns? Not the fucking clown store. What, I got to go to a separate mask store, get a fucking donkey mask? Who gives a shit what kind of mask I got. What the fuck's wrong with you? You got brahma clouds? You got to go to the not the fucking cloud store when I got to go to a separate mask store, get a fucking donkey mask.

Who gives a shit what kind of mask I'm wearing? I'm fucking walking through the woods trying to keep the fucking bugs off my shit. It could be the fucking devil on my face. Who gives a shit? Who gives a fuck? It could be a rocket ship. I'll tell you this right now. Two weeks ago, I was at this warehouse party in LA, right? I'm at this warehouse party with some people. Sometimes you end up at a warehouse

party because your night gets out of control. My life isn't shambles. Anyways, I'm at a warehouse party because your night gets out of control. My life isn't shambles. Anyways, I'm at this warehouse party, and there's this girl next to me, and these girls I was talking to were like, oh, did you see that girl? She got her titties out. Her whole titties is showing.

She was wearing this mesh shirt, and her whole titties was out. They're like, did you see that? And then they said something to her, because girls can say that. I can't say, hey, look, your titties are out. But they said that to her, and she was like, oh, yeah, you noticed that my titties were out.

But did you notice that I only got one hand? And she pulls up this mug. And she only had one hand. And that was the coolest. I laughed so hard. I wanted to marry this woman. I've never been so attracted to a person that only got one hand in my life. But I was like, this

is the girl that was made for me. And the only thing that could have been cooler was if that girl was wearing a clown mask and had a machete attached to her. I mean, honestly. Well, police say that Barry was intoxicated, but cooperative.

Of course he was a little juiced up. He told officers that he was copying previous clown sightings as a prank. Now, what a jerk off. He doesn't know how to get out of anything. So now you're not on his side anymore?

Well, he's just shutting his – open his fucking mouth. You got to wait for the lawyer to show up. You know what? Ed's taking the role of the Ben host role. He's got to flip-flop a little bit, all right? He's got to flip-flop a little bit. I'm just saying he's a stupid moron. I stay on his side forever, man. I just want to know if he's listening right now you come to brooklyn you come to la you

always got a place to stay with me i'm still on his side why do people think i'm not on his what are you putting on the hand though you got no hand you got no arm what are you sticking on there a blade as well are you gonna put what like a hockey stick what are we throwing on there? A blade as well? Are you going to put what? Like a hockey stick? What are we throwing on there to make life easier or more interesting? I'm into like a big metal glove. You know, like something I can still grab like a chalice with or something. Okay. I always think of Evil Dead or Army of Darkness. You know, how he fashioned that thing.

That's always, to me, that's ideal. I was wondering if anybody's ever tried to put like an actual animal on there. You know what I'm saying? Well, like shove your nub up its ass? No. Let it go crazy and you put it in people's faces? You just like glue it or something. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, yeah, pretty much. I don't know about sticking anything up its ass. I guess I could have an extension that went up its ass or something, but I just. How else are you going to get it attached to it? Some kind of glue. Gorilla glue. Gorilla glue? Yeah.

Some kind of glue. Gorilla glue a cat to your nub And then just wave it at people Well you gotta shave it first Yeah I'm thinking of a I'm thinking of like a reptile Or something like that Oh yeah

Of course it'd have to be An iguana Yeah right Some sort of a snake Or something would be dope too People wouldn't even Know this problem My idea would be

I would just go Propeller Because that's at least Two blades And if I got into An argument with people Or I got tired of a conversation, I could just raise my hand in the air and go, hmm, and then float away.

And that's the dream for me. The Mary Poppins. I've had that several other times in today. And then you get to scream, I'm the Black Mary Poppins, which is always a fun thing to yell. So, Kevin, how long did you talk to this girl with her tits out in one hand? I mean, did you learn anything about her? Is she a teacher?

Is she a fireman? So, like, you know, I was a little bit drunk because I was at a warehouse party. But she did, like, she was beautiful, actually. She was, like, some type of Puerto Rican or something. Some type of Puerto Rican. It's dark in the warehouse party. It's hard to tell what somebody's exact origin is Yeah

But it was The crazy thing about it was I was like very attracted to this girl And I would try and figure out How, you know, what I was gonna do But the whole time Every time like she kept talking to the girls That were with me

She kept like rubbing my shoulder With her With the hand she did have Oh, that's nice I was like I was like, oh man This girl is like into me But at a certain. I was like, oh, man, this girl is, like, into me. But at a certain point, she was like, hey, we're about to leave.

And I could tell she wanted me to ask for her number or something. But, like, for whatever reason, just bitched out in that moment. She didn't have enough digits. Huh? She didn't have enough digits. That was pretty good. Thank you. She didn't have enough digits.

She's gone forever, man. She's gone out of my life forever, and that could have been a dream. You know what's even more sad about it is? What? I remember in ninth grade, there was a girl who had a huge crush on for like six months she was like new to the school shit like i think she came in like halfway through the school year and i just never i didn't realize she only had one hand until like a couple months in because she always hid it in the purse but at that point i'm like it's too late for me i'm 15 i'm still

figuring out what i like in my life so apparently it's chicks with one hand and then before i could talk to her she left the school well military family she wasn't hiding it in a purse you know then she's still what i had it you know she was laying her nub on top of a purse you make a fair point new story can i just mention though he's got some kind of bird on his coffee mug, and I think it's fucking wonderful. It's some sort of pelican. Oh, yeah, it is the albatross.

He's showing us the mug right now. Kevin, what? Kevin, what's your albatross? Royal albatross, man. No, I mean, like, everybody's got an albatross in life you know something they have to wear around their neck that holds them back what's yours that holds me back oh i never thought albatrosses are doing anything but pushing me forward

i'm trying to what holds me back uh i don't know, man. Josh Rabinowitz. I'd say mine's my four-pound stinky farts. They have a weight to them. I think it's just like the general grating timber of my voice that drives people insane. So even if I ask for like a newspaper from the newspaper guy, he gives me a look like he's going to slap me in my fucking head. Let's go for a new story. All right. A woman in Massachusetts is facing several felony charges

after allegedly waving a dagger at another driver while topless in an apparent drunken road rage attack. Wow, this could have been your girl, Kevin. Yeah. Oh, that sounds perfect. She could have taken the advice to tie the blade to her hand. So we got two blade stories. Two blades in a row.

Right out of the gate here. Going with it. And she's just driving down the highway, tits out, waving knives at people. So what's the problem? Is that illegal? That is illegal. Okay. Susan Kettle, 39, of Sandwich.

I mean, what a great place. Yeah, Sandwich, Massachusetts. Oh, my God. How have I not been there? It's going to be amazing. She was driving a blue Ford Explorer on Saturday when police received a call from another driver who claimed the woman tried to crash into the victim's car. Kettle then pulled behind the victim's vehicle at a red light and began waving a double-edged dagger, the Sandwich Police Department announced.

How were her breasts? I would imagine, I'm looking at her mugshot right now, Kevin, you can't see it, but I would imagine not great. That's her mugshot? She's grinning like a... She's like, yeah, I did it. Yeah, I did it. I waved that knife. Thanks for the shirt, you idiots. That's how I get free shirts. Kettle then allegedly got out of the Explorer and ripped

off her shirt before running bare-chested towards the victim's car while flailing the knife. Was she drunk? She drunk. No, she was just drunk. She was intoxicated. It was a cocktail. It was many things. It's never one thing with these people. No. You was just drunk. She was intoxicated. It was a cocktail. It was many things. It's never one thing with these people. No.

You know what I'm saying? So he didn't know this lady at all. She was just a lady on the highway. Just a lady on the highway, got super pissed off, tried crashing into his car. They both pulled over. She gets out of the car, takes off her shirt, and runs at him with a dagger. I think that's a really good strategy, actually. Again, same thing with the handless woman. Distract him with a dagger. I think that's a really good strategy, actually. Again, same thing with the handless woman.

Distract him with the breasts. Go in for the kill. They're looking at the breasts up and down, up and down, or whatever. It's like what I used to do. I used to hold my fists up, one at the person's stomach and one at the person's face. They'll always protect the face. You punch them in the stomach and run away. That was a high school trick of mine.

Only thing I know is that the cops in sandwich Massachusetts are true heroes yeah okay police department she just she's stealing what's her name from killer instinct swag wasn't that one of her finishing moves and chicken to green she would just turn around take her titties out and then the person exploded or some shit like that no no no a killer instinct oh I was thinking of Sherrod Stone with the ice pick and her tits like that? She ran around with daggers all the time, too. Killer instinct. I was thinking of Sharon Stone with the ice pick and her tits out. That's different. No, that was her vagina.

You know what? Sandwich, Massachusetts is the oldest town on Cape Cod. Oh, really? 375 years old people have been going to Sandwich, Massachusetts. Oh, so it's a party town. I didn't realize it was by Cape Cod. Is it Orchid? Isid is orchid her name maybe or is she the one wearing the green shit yeah she's wearing the green shit and she's got very pointy tits like bizarre yeah yeah yeah that's

orchid north or south on the point up like up directly up yeah yeah goofy directly he can't see banana yeah yeah she's got weird straight if i have to deal i actually i had one night with a chick with tits like that it threw me off my fucking whole game yeah yeah i thought my balls were my dick oh man that'll hurt talking about the ones that come out and kind of cone up yeah no yeah i mean i mean i liked a certain level of that but when they're just like, it was like a Picasso painting, you know? Just way too extreme, the upward point. I heard the fire department in Sandwich, Massachusetts

doesn't cut the mustard. Oh, right. Cut the mustard! It is just, I mean, it's right there in front of you. It's right there in front of you. All right, let us talk more about it. Come on. I'm pulling out my grade school joke book here.

Oh, I wish I still had my Garfield notebook right next to me. We moved in the new studio, and I don't know where my Garfield joke book went. When I helped you move in the new studio, I guess I don't know what happened to it. I guess you moved on a Monday. I guess you moved on a Monday. I guess you moved on a Monday. I guess I sabotaged it and maybe peed on it or something. It was a Tuesday. Oh, man.

How is Garfield these days? Has everyone been keeping up with him? I mean, he's still the same as he's always been. Yeah, and you're Team Garfield. Of course I'm Team Garfield. Don't even fuck with me on this. You're Heathcliff? Yes, absolutely.

That's right. And Kevin, what were you? I was always Garfield, man. I never really even knew much about Heathcliff. I didn't fuck with him. Yeah, I think if you did fuck with him, though, you would definitely be Team Heathcliff, man. It's like a fucking American tragedy

that Bird Luger's back on the wrong horse in this one. And by horse, I mean cartoon cat. I always liked Eek, you know, but I was thinking about it. Sylvester is a great cat. Which one's Sylvester? Sylvester the cat. Yeah, Tweety Bird and Sylvester. Yeah.

Suffering Succotash. Yeah, for sure. Great cat. I think we did. I think we jumped the gun on this Garfield versus Heathcliff thing a little too much. Well, I think with the Garfield versus Heathcliff. Sylvester made me uncomfortable, man. It sounded like he spit a lot.

I don't like that shit he did spit a lot well i think the sylvester versus or the heathcliff versus garfield thing was just a battle of orange tabby cats oh okay all right well then you know yeah because eek's not involved in that sylvester's not involved in that no no no yeah i feel like talking to sylvester be like talking to henry at a house party at two in the morning i mean you're just getting spit just flying in your face yeah Yeah. I feel like the last several conversations I've had with Henry, I've had a big chunk of his saliva just hit me directly in my face. We had lunch today, and he had to shave his beard off for a roll. Yeah.

And we were having lunch today, and I realized that he doesn't wipe his face when he eats because he counted on the beard to catch all of the various sauces that he eats. So he was eating and he just had sauce all over his face. It's Korean barbecue. He looked quite ridiculous. Man, I remember one time I was hanging out with Henry all day long. It was just me and him. It was back when he was in his fatty fat days.

And we were with each other for... You guys used to each go out and get a gallon of milk and sit and drink it? Chocolate milk. Chocolate milk. But we were hanging out together all day. All fucking day. Like seven hours.

I turn around, he's covered in barbecue sauce. And we did not go near barbecue sauce or eat barbecue or like anything. It made no sense to me. I was just like, how are you covered in barbecue sauce? I don't know. I don't know. He just had like ribs in his pocket.

I was like, what did you do? What sneaky like food? I want some barbecue. Was there a fridge nearby? I mean, we were Indoors Yeah I guess he just found Some barbecue in the fridge

Ate it without Closing the door Thinking he was Being sneaky Man I gotta Actually I've just been Thinking about this And laughing about this

So So Henry was on set for the show Crashing Which I can talk about because they were posting on social media And shit like him and Jermaine This kind of shows my hand That I've never seen Crashing before But we have a friend who's kind of going through an experience right now Where he lost his girlfriend slash apartment

At the same time And he's been crashing on different people's couches And I was like hey you should write a movie about it A cute little indie movie And you'll call it Couches And it'll be about you crashing on people's couches. And I was like, hey, you should write like a movie about it. I'll be like a cute little indie movie and you'll call it couches. And it'll be about you crashing on everybody's couches and everybody. It likes to like, you know, that's crashing. Right. And I was like, oh, fuck.

Are you kidding? So even though I was making fun of the idea, I was like fucking so pissed to know that some other show is like clearly doing the fuck out of that idea and I'm just like god damn it yeah I know it's a great show yeah I know I hear it's hilarious and I'm just like what the fuck is wrong with me call it couches and you'll call it couches speaking of which I'm getting our couch friend tomorrow nice yeah yeah so I get him for a week while I'm out of town nice it. It's going to be interesting. Yeah.

He's a good dude, man. He's going through a rough fucking. It is tough. Bullshit. Oh, and he lost his job in the same week. Yeah. Oh, damn. Yeah.

He's farting through life right now. It's the best way I can describe it. It's pretty funny because, I mean, we'll just say it's Jared Warner. The worst part is, like, it all happened the same week his IFC show came out. He can't even enjoy it. At least he has that one thing. He's got one thing. There are plenty of people who don't even have one thing.

It's great. Well, we're only a couple weeks away from the World Dog Surfing Championship. Oh, my God. When were the preliminaries? Wipeout. The NorCal Dog Surfing Event and World Championships for Dog Surfing. Where's NorCal? Northern California.

Oh, NorCal. Okay, got it. Yep, they take place. I was able to figure that out, you know, through my intuition. Not me. That was a pretty, NorCal sounds like a fucking Lord of the Rings village. NorCal. Welcome to NorCal.

Or is it NoCal? NoCal. NoCal, yeah. That's where the concept for the sport originated. It brings together the best in local and international dog surfing talent. It's made great waves over there. A lot of great whites, though. So this is actually,

dogs are easier to eat than humans. This is going to be a very interesting competition. No, there's a lot of great whites out there in the waters in Northern California. We got a lot of really good competitors out there this year. Those elephant seals, too. I bet they'd rip a fucking dog to pieces. Yeah, man, they're brutal.

Those things are huge, man. Ah, attendance is free. Attendance, of course it's free. They let dogs in. They've also got human solo surfing. That's like 12 to 1. Can I do another backbond? Is it the same competition?

Well, there's dog surfing from 10 to 12, 10 a.m. to 12 p.m., then human solo surfing from 12 to 1 p.m. That's while they decide which dog wins, and then from 1 to 2 p.m. is the awards and prizes. Oh. I thought it was like they were against each other, which sounded to me like a fucking new version of Planet of the Apes. I've been trying to keep track of what these dogs are doing.

It appears to be a lot. By the way, speaking of which, Ed, you saw the new monkey movie. Twice. Can you give us a five-second review? Can you tell us the lows and the highs? I'm giving it five bananas. Out of? Out of five bananas. But the problem is there were no actual bananas, but it's a

post-apocalyptic movie. Maybe there's no bananas left. I'll give him a pass. I mean, we're already running out of bananas now. Are we running out of bananas? We're running out of bananas. What? Oh, man, I tell you, I'm a big culprit for that.

Yes. And since he does, he can't eat bananas around other people anymore because everyone always makes fun of him. Amongst my friends. I eat bananas alone and amongst strangers i will have plenty of bananas but seriously i feel bad for those uh humans who have to go surf after the dogs that's like going up after fucking louis ck or some shit no one wants to hear you fucking watch you surf i want to see the dogs fucking surf you know what i'm saying absolutely not especially since there's a surf dog village going on from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Surf dog village? Surf dog village. I'd imagine it's just a place where there's a bunch of dogs you can go pet, and they're standing on surfboards. God damn, that's cool. Then there's a dog dish competition, a ball fetching water competition. Ball fetching the water competition? Yeah.

And then there's the yappy hour after event from 2.30 to 5, and I don't really know what that is. That sounds aggravating. Oh, yappy hour. I hate that they did that. I hate that they named it yappy hour. That makes me so mad. I want to set fire to the whole event.

I just got that. Yappy hour? Yeah, like happy hour. Yeah, no. Marcus, yeah, I know. You don't have to explain it to me. Holden, it's like happy hour, but it's yappy hour because it's dogs. Eat your own crappy hour.

Fuck. Because it's dogs. Tell you what, if this is in China, the whole thing would end with a fucking barbecue. Am I right? They'd be eating those dogs. So I've been. Chinese be eating dogs. When I moved to L.A., Kevin knows about this. When about this when i moved to la i want to get a dog and so i've been like going around and trying to figure

out where i'm gonna get my dog from i'm gonna get the shelter dog of course and i'm walking to streets and i see this like a dog shelter and i'm like oh i'll go check it out you know i'll sniff around and i get in there and i realized that it's a it's a very particular rescue where the guy goes to china saves dogs that are going to be eaten and then brings them back to america and then like works with them for months until they're able to be adopted by people that's amazing yeah and so the dogs all got like bound up shitty arms and shit like that and they got, patches of hair missing. So I think I'm going to get a Chinese eating dog.

Sure. Yeah, what do you guys think? I mean, like, wait, dude, they probably got some problems because they beat the fucking shit out of them. Yeah, it's like adopting a child from Russia. Nothing is going to work out right. Yeah, they beat them because they think that they taste better once they've been in distress. So they'll beat the crap out of them before they kill them. Really? Yeah, because they think it releases endorphins.

I mean, they're wrong. Yeah, it's adrenaline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's why you don't want cows to know they're going to die, because all that adrenaline gets released and it spoils the meat. Yeah, well, they do the opposite. And they like it when it's dogs, apparently. But, yeah, so I think I'm going to get one of a dog with half an arm.

Okay. What do you think? I mean, would you do it, Holden? Yeah,'m gonna get one a dog with half an arm okay what do you think i mean would you do it holden uh yeah i'd get one with half a fucking anything you know i'm saying i get half a dog if i fucking walked around off that'd be actually i could make a lot of money off that dog uh yeah but absolutely get a fucking fucked up mango get one with eyes in his fucking ass and he's all turned around one with no He's definitely one with no eyes I can get. Can you teach it to say my eyes? You can call him my eyes. Oh, I saw Mr. My Eyes on the G train the other day. He looks great.

He really does. He's got a new haircut. He's in shape. He's got like muscle tone. Yeah, dude, he got a gym membership. He's got better clothes than me, to be honest with you. They're designer jeans and shit. Yeah. Yeah, no, the guy, I mean, we've really seen the evolution of my eyes. Yeah, yeah.

He's got swagger. Yeah, he's doing well. Kevin, you should see him. I know you miss him. Oh, yeah, yeah, man. Have you ever seen him? I'm saying, dude, if you're going to get this one-armed or one-eyed dog, I mean, one thing he's definitely not going to do is be in the international

dog surfing competition with no chance of it. In fact, I would recommend not even bringing him to that shit or showing him on the internet unless you want a dog filled with regret. No, no, no. I wouldn't bring him to the ocean because that's just too close to China. Yeah. They gladly eat dogs there. They put them on menus.

There are entire festivals dedicated just to eating dogs. The dog meat festivals. Yeah, I got a pamphlet. It's really upsetting. I keep it by my toilet. Why? Just to remind me, you know? Every time you pee...

If you get that dog, you can't even let him dig because you got to remind him every inch he digs is one inch closer to China. What are you doing? I just saved you from that place. So wait, speaking of the toilet, you said you wanted to talk about... You had the bad shits today and you made mistakes. Do we really need to talk about it?

You said you wanted to talk about it. Oh, yeah. You know what I did was it really ruined me. I bought birthday cake Oreos in a drunken stupor. Dude, what a bad choice. It really like spent my day like with fucking Alistair crawling out the back of me. It was a nightmare. I guess we shouldn't have talked about it.

Ed went to see Fish last night. Kevin, what's your favorite Fish song and album? Is it Junta or Hoist? Or is it Farmhouse? I have to go with hoist, man. Hoist, it reminds me of my childhood. Yes. That sounds about right.

I saw fish twice this week, Kevin. Twice? Twice. They're doing 13 shows at Madison Square Garden. That's almost as excessive as my monkey Sunday. Oh, that's right. I saw the Planet of the Apes with Kevin back in L.A. He had the craziest monkey Sunday.

Tell him about my monkey Sunday. Yeah, so Ed hit me up about seeing Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. I mean, War of the Planet of the Apes. I was like, oh, shit, I got to catch up on these monkey movies. So I started watching Rise of the Planet. He was like, yeah, you should watch it. You know, it's a continuous story. I'm like, oh, shit, I got to catch up on these monkey movies. So I started watching Rise of the Planets. He's like, yeah, you should watch it. You know, it's a continuous story. I'm like, all right, cool.

I started watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes, figuring that I'd seen Dawn about 75% of the way through Rise. I realized I had seen Rise already. So I finished Rise and then immediately started watching Dawn. And then as soon as that ended, went to go see War of the Planet of the Apes. And I had a lot of work to do but i said fuck it it's monkey sunday it's a national holiday damn i'll tell you what those all three of those movies are great yeah that's the thing about that like that's an afternoon a

good cinema experience dude and for anyone who hasn't seen the new one i mean it's like it's war the play apes because it's fucking war and it's great. It just starts off like a fucking dude walking around. He's got his like, what do you have written on his like bongo for bozo or something like that? He has this like monkey killer like I've written on his helmet. It's fucking cool. I got to catch it. And then they're just like shooting guns at each other. Like doing maneuvers.

It's great. It's wonderful. They did everything right. There was not a moment that was wasted. It was a perfect movie. Yeah. What do you think about the Tim Burton Planet of the Apes? Awful.

Yeah. Worst monkey movie I think I've ever seen. Really? Yeah. I like Ed more than I like that one. Wow. Yeah. Ed's pretty good, actually.

Yeah. Ed's the monkey playing baseball with Matt LeBlanc. Yeah. Yeah, that one's actually so bad, it's amazing. But, you know, I mean, the other Planet of the Apes, I mean, what I did like about that, the only thing I liked about it was the monkey charge. You know, so when the monkeys went to war with the humans

and they were charging, they were, like, running on all fours, that was fucking cool. And then they fought a little bit and I like that and Michael Clark Duncan was you know very scary but the rest of the movie was just complete garbage Tim Burton doesn't do good when he takes other people's ideas

he's best when he does his own shit or just after a certain amount of time in his life I think he just does bad he did open up an important dialogue though amongst American youth where the question is, like, would you fuck or fall in love with a humanoid monkey who was wearing the right type of lipstick and had her hair styled right? Would you? That's a question I had to ask myself several times. I asked myself that and answered it immediately.

The answer is yes. That was a hot-ass monkey. It was a super hot monkey. I think I'd go for, sexed up Komodo dragon. You know? I bet. Like a sexy one because they walk kind of sassy. You know what I'm saying?

They do kind of wiggle their butt a little bit. They sort of wiggle it like for real. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, they're sort of salsa dancing with every step. They ain't even from a Latin country at all. I still think pig for me. Really? Yeah, I think I'd have to fuck a pig.

We're talking about a humanoid pig. Even better. So it's going to be humanoid, so it's going to be a bipedal. So we don't have to worry about the skin being closest, because that's why I always pick pigs. No, we're talking about a humanoid

pig. We're talking about a hybrid here. That just means it's just like a gross looking human really is what that's going to look like. Yeah, Miss Piggy was always pretty dope, man. Yeah, I guess it's true. She's cute. Yeah, but it would be like a pig with humanoid features. God, man. Imagine what they smell like when they sweat.

Delicious. Would you throw one to Miss Piggy? What? Oh, yeah. You know, it's always best to date things that you can eat when they die. No one's eating Komodo dragons or monkeys. Well, yeah, I guess you're right. I'm probably burying that dragon.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's got to be too gamey. Maybe able to get some out of that tail. I'd love it if, like, it was the whole Komodo dragon humanoid, right, with the big lipstick. Kind of look like Lady Gremlin in Gremlins 2. God damn, I love Gremlins 2. Who is smoking fucking hot. I'd definitely toss a couple to her.

But either way, it's kind of like that, but with actual human breasts sort of hanging off of her. Yeah, I mean, we're all in agreement that our humanoid hybrids are going to have breasts. Human breasts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But see, yours is going to be different because the pig's going to have human breasts and the monkey's going to have human breasts because they are mammals. The Komodo dragon is not a mammal, therefore it will not have breasts. It will not have breasts. And they're going to be dragging them on the ground everywhere they go.

Oh, right. We're talking bipedal here. Oh, bipedal, bipedal. Oh, yeah. Well, they're low-hanging breasts. Is there any more news, Marcus? Yeah, I got nothing else to talk about

on this current subject that we have been discussing for the past five minutes. Sure. A Kansas woman who tried to kill a bug by lighting it on fire ended up setting her apartment on fire causing hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage tale is old as time i've definitely heard of this before oh yeah this happens all the time

topeka fire marshal mike martin said that the fire destroyed a building a part of the fire lawn green apartment complex displacing 17 people and causing $140,000 in damages after an occupant tried to kill a bug with a lighter. Monique Cuarles said that around 3.45 a.m. on Monday, her daughter, Ausha, and two-year-old granddaughter told her that there was a bug inside their third-floor apartment. Cuarles said, I found the bug, picked the bug up, and put it in my hand and lit it on fire. And then what?

It ran away and caught the rest of the house on fire? Well, Carl's then picked up her mattress to check and see if there were more bugs, and her daughter found a medium-sized bug. For the second time, she tried to set this bug on fire, but her flip-style lighter started sparking, and the box spring went up in flames. Fuck! Yeah, I bet those things go up pretty good, too. Especially when they're dusty.

And that weird, like, cloth that's over the box spring. It's like really thin. That shit go up. Yeah, man Can't be lighting bugs on fire. Can't be lighting bugs on fire. Although I've done it. It's fun Yeah, you know we used to take a we had with the war with ants and what a house I lived in in Tallahassee and there was like we would just Constantly battle them and a good trick that we used to do was you pour a bunch of lighter in in Tallahassee, and there was, like, we would just constantly battle them. And a good trick that we used to do was you pour a bunch of lighter fluid in the anthill, and then you light it on fire. And then when it finally goes out,

you just start hitting it with a rake, and it catches back on fire. It's great stuff. Really razzes those fucking ants. Yeah, man, it's good to hear their little bodies pop. You know, it's fun. Dear God. Yeah.

We used to save all our foreman fat and then grill it up and then pour it on anthills and shit. Fuck their lives up, man. Damn. We pushed them away from the perimeter. We were on like an acre and a half. And by the end of it, they were already at the back. Yeah. We did good.

We had dogs. You know, we didn't want them biting the dogs right right yeah i understand that yeah don't want to bite your dog a lot of cockroaches too giant ones they love boxes yeah water bugs yeah water bugs they'd fly up they'd fly up and get you we had this shed that like the cockroaches just owned it was just this giant shed and it was owned by the cockroaches we didn't go in it but one night we were it was pouring rain and we're all tripping on acid and we're like, Oh, let's go check out the shed. And then of course it's just like cockroaches falling from the ceiling. It's the most disgusting Indiana Jones fucking shed that you've ever been in.

Arachnophobia. Yeah. Yeah. And so we all just started, I don't know what happened or why we did it. We just like, we like started like paying each other to like run to the back of the shed, tag the back and then come back. And it was like a big ass shed. It was like bigger than the studio. It was really long. But man, we got some bugs on us. Just ripped on acid.

I just couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine having a bunch of bugs on me. Yeah. It was, you know, it's a fun little game. Florida games. Florida games. Yeah. You gotta, you know, when you can't afford cable, play with bugs on me. Yeah. It was, you know, it was a fun little game. Florida games. Florida games. Yeah, you gotta, you know,

when you can't afford cable, play with bugs. Yep, go out in a, go out into a cow pasture and fill up a shopping bag full of cow shit covered mushrooms. Yeah.

That was a Florida game. I got a poo-poo story to round everything out. Okay, poo-poo story. Do-do-poo-poo, man. While in the back of a patrol car on Interstate 80,

a suspect stripped off his clothes, then defecated and ate his own feces, spitting them at police officers. Oh, man. Well, they shouldn't have interrupted his meal. Yeah. I mean, that's the classic doo-doo move, right? I like it because it adds another layer of like, oh, not only do I have a doo-doo on me, I have a man spit on me as well.

So you just got Henry'd and doo-doo'd at the same time. I have a man spit on me as well. So you just got Henry'd and doo-doo'd at the same time. And that's what's like the best would be if he threw it on him and then just was also pissing sort of like spray and just spray shot. You know, those are like those are the days that I was just like, man, you got to feel bad for cops every once in a while. Sometimes. Yeah. Like shitting in the car and then grabbing the shit and then putting the shit in his mouth and then

spitting the shit at you. And then you gotta clean it up afterwards. There would be no more appropriate time than for a cop to say right in that moment I'm getting too old for this shit. It's bad. You know, that happens. We wonder why they beat the shit out of people, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, imagine you had to go finish your day after that. Yeah. That's just like the beginning of the shift. Yeah, yeah. Of course. I mean, what time was it?

3 a.m., 4 a.m.? It was... Oh, no, that's the bug story. Yeah, that was Of course. I mean, what time was it? 3 a.m., 4 a.m.? It was... Oh, no, that's the bug story. Yeah, that was the bug story. This does not say what time it happened. He initially provided an officer with a different name but quickly revealed his real identity when it was found that an arrest warrant

was also listed under the false name. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. So he had to warrant out for his arrest, gave someone else's name Actually I just gotta warn

He's like well I don't know I guess I'll just go with my own name And he's also on parole Oh well good Thank God There you go I'm glad he's out

He's back in He's back in Just poo poo in the mouth huh And spit in it Yeah So you're gonna get it everywhere It's gonna to go everywhere. Including his own throat.

That's tough. You know he's spitting it up to us. It's also coming out of his nose probably. Firemen don't have to deal with that. Sometimes. You never know what a fireman has to deal with. The fireman had to deal with the bug lady. That's true. And one of them actually went to the hospital

with smoke inhalation. Ambulance driver, fireman, police officer. Fucking which one you going? Which one you doing? I would say fireman just because the ambulance driver, you're watching multiple people die a day. That's a tough job. That's a real nihilistic job. Bring out the dead.

Dude, that movie's fucking awesome. I fucking love that movie. Kevin, you ever see that? No, no, no. I ain't seen it, man. You got to check awesome. I love that movie. Kevin, you ever see that? No, no, no. I ain't seen it, man. You got to check it out. Nicolas Cage movie. I will say, though, man, I don't know if you want to go fireman, though, because I don't

think you understand how hot fire is. That's the first thing. Fire is hot as shit. I've had my house burned down before. Really? It's hot. Yeah. My house in Miami burned down when I was a kid.

Oh, wow. My house was hot. I mean, fire is hot as shit. But almost just as hot as fire have you ever worn a fireman's coat oh it's insanely hot i've worn one before we had to get one for the sketch and just in a regular room they had air conditioning i was drenched in sweat just wearing that okay i don't i mean i run hot man probably because you know maybe that's something that's in my blood now because my house was burned down.

Maybe they should do like use the same kind of fabric, but do mesh tank tops for firemen. That's not going to work. You know, that's not going to work. They show their big fun muscles off. All the ladies want to slam a fireman in their life. Yeah, maybe they'll just put all that goofy jelly all over it, all over themselves that the Germans use when they set themselves on fire. Yeah, put that goofy jelly on them. Okay.

I would go with ambulance driver because I'm the least percentage. I would hate to see that many people die. I would hate to see all that guts, you know. But I also wouldn't have to. I would be less likely to die as an ambulance driver. Also, I can, you know, make a lot of jokes. Like when I'm like cutting off the bleeding and be like, whoops, you know, and stuff like that. That is a good one.

Oh, no. Oh, no, you died now. So, Kevin, you never picked one. You said not for firemen. I'd probably go cop, man, honestly. I'd go cop, too's a good job yeah I just imagine like jumping over the hoods of cars man and it's like really bonding with your buddies and shit like it's easier to avoid actual work as a cop to if you

really want yeah yeah yeah small-town cop yeah yeah you could slap a baby I mean I am not prepared But we've almost had kind of segments All the way up till now When have you been prepared? Multiple times Most days of my life I wake up And I'm prepared as fuck

For anything that life brings me Sometimes he is I'm super prepared sometimes Ed I'm super prepared Okay this is what I got This is what I, this is what I got. This is what I got. This is what I got. Honestly, the humanoid thing is like the best one, but we already did that one, right?

You have to put on a surfing festival featuring an animal of some sort. What sort of surfing festival will you put on? And if there's any extras, is there going to be a is there going to be a an equivalent to the yappy hour or anything like that okay oh okay yeah for me it will be slugs i will be slugs right and then and then if you do salt will kill him yes that's what makes it that's what makes it fascinating it's gonna disintegrate that's what makes it fascinating. It's just going to disintegrate. That's what makes it fascinating. You're just putting a slug on a piece of wood and killing it. The one slug that makes it, though, fucking rock star, dude. That slug will get its fucking dick sucked by the end of the day, dude.

Fucking making it through that shit. If you can make it through that shit, you should be president of the country. You know what I'm saying? And exactly, every time they get dissolved, uh-oh, he's too salty. And then, yeah, a lot of fun like salt-themed, you know, a margarita booth. And then just at the very end while we're waiting to get the numbers back, while we're waiting for the scores, we'll have a 69ing contest in the corner. For the slugs or for the humans?

For humans. Unfortunately, it'll have to be humans. But there will be a 69ing competition for couples who can 69 the best and the hardest. Is it based on speed or size of load? There will also be judges for that. So while the judges are deliberating that, there will be a who can eat the most beef brisket in five minutes competition while the judges are deciding the 69ing festival, which will happen while the judges are deciding who won the slug servant competition.

All right. I already won this. Ed, go. It sounds horrible. I mean, obviously, I got to pick bears for this. I mean, if you're in California, you know, they're right on the flag. You know, this could be a good event for everybody. And they're not just using surfboards.

I mean, their bears are huge. And they love spending time in the ocean. I mean, you can spot polar bears 60 miles off the shore. So this is a great idea. Instead of using surfboards, we'll use, like, barn doors or something. Okay. You know, like just so they can really have some room to get around

and show off. You're just stranding an animal in the ocean on a piece of wood. Is that what the dogs are fucking doing? Not if you take a bunch of honey and you put it on the shore. And you're like, hey bears, here's your honey, you know, and they'll make it back. Bears can swim. Bears can swim.

You know, they'll be fine. Bears will be fine. And then, you know, and they'll make it back. Bears can swim. Bears can swim. You know, it'll be fine. Bears will be fine. And then, you know, then we'll have, like, the Country Bear Jamboree guys will come out. Of course. You gotta get the Country Bear Jamboree. They'll come out. They'll play a couple jams. Yeah.

That'll be fucking cool. You know, we'll have a salmon, you know, party. You think they could learn, like, a Seeger song or two? What? A Seeger song? No, no. They're gonna play mostly Waylon, I imagine. deep country cuts we'll go to old country instead of new country of course and then you know like definitely a salmon party i love smoked salmon you know so

i'll get some jews out there to uh get eat some smoked salmon some capers on some you gotta get the jews out there well i mean if you if you jews you lose and then you know we'll have um a bear cafe you know called i don't know pause a million i'm losing i'm loud kevin holds the one to be you know yeah you know yeah yeah well you know marcus you made an interesting point about stranding the animal, which is why I think my idea is perfect. You see, the obvious choice for the animal to use is sea serpents. Now, the thing about this competition is, right, you go out into the ocean.

You go out into the sea. You get these sea serpents, and you bring them to the land. All of a sudden, they're mad because now they've been taken away from their homes, which is the sea. But then all you got to do, tie them up real good around the board. You push them back out to the sea, now they're back home. The competition never ends, because the board is just floating in the water.

They do all types of tricks, they're tied to it. People pay the money, the competition is endless. They just have a great time for the rest of their entire lives, watching these sea serpents float off of the Dios. It's a wonderful competition. This is just purgatory. Oh, no.

They want to be out there. No, I'm talking about for the people at the party, because it never ends. All you're doing is just pushing sea serpents back out of the sea. You called it purgatory, Marcus, but I'll tell you one thing about purgatory. It's not exciting, which is what this competition is.

That is true. The slug festival still wins, though. Yeah, baby! She's a man, baby! You fucking slug killers. It's got a 69 in competition. I want to know what that's all about. It'd be pretty good. A lot of it's based on

technique and obviously how fast they can make each other fucking shoot. True. Some people just shoot fast normally. Also, they'll be doing tricks and doing full barrel rolls and stuff. Because that's just like some people, they shoot fast no matter what they do. It'll be contortionists bending completely all the way backwards, doing figure eights and stuff.

It'll be fucking amazing. Put Velcro on their bellies. Yeah, see how much fucking sand they can get on their ass. Fun stuff like that. The hell with the slugs. Let's just have a 69 festival. Alright. Let's have a 69 festival. Well, at the very least, make the slugs secondary.

There you go. Well, they'll be, you know, clean up for the 69 festival. That's true. Gotta sop that up somehow. That's all we got. That's the whole show That's the whole show That's a fun show show Bird Luger Thank you for fucking

Hanging out dude Oh yeah man Skype is the king Of all this shit man Get your ass back here Check out the new New digs man Yeah man

It's all over the world The podcast palace Yeah That's what we call it The podcast palace Alright I'm Ed Larson That was Bird Luger Marcus Parks I'm Bing Bong The. That was Bird Luger, Marcus Parks.

I'm Bing Bong the fucking festival boy. Bing Bong the festival boy. And we'll see you later, man. Don't squirt too much. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.