The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 5: The Telephone Is Bleeding

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Goddamn, we got whales, Ben inadvertently utters the words that will one day be inscribed on his tombstone, Kevin schools the shit out of us on the subject of Cryptozoology, Holden uses the creepy child voice again, Jackie explains periods with gusto, and Ed celebrates his first hard-on since hernia surgery.

Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. I'm Ben Kissel. I'm Jack. No, what were you saying? Well, I was just going to introduce myself like we talked about right before we started. No, it goes, Ed and Jackie. Okay, first of all, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Holden. It's not going to go in some sort of Jewish star. God damn it. Every single time.

No, I didn't fuck this up. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. I'm Ben Kissel. Let's meet the Roundtable. Ed. No. No. Why not?

Why did it happen like that? Somehow you always mess this up. I have a feeling that I am the victim here. That's what I am thinking because you guys are retarded. This is what you do is you ruin things. I'm sure when you were a kid you ruined everything. I don't even know who's talking. I didn't ruin Christmas, you ruined everything. I don't even know who's talking. I didn't ruin Christmas.

I was delighted. I don't even know who's talking, though, right now. I don't even know anybody's names. I got a Game Boy for Christmas one year, and it was like the happiest Christmas. It was such a good life. Yeah, definitely. Mommy and Daddy knew how to take care of baby. And I got Game Boy.

I got Black Castle Lego I got Lego Black Castle Yeah it was great I couldn't even think of getting something like that We haven't even done the credits yet We haven't done Hello who's to my left Hello

Is that what you want I'm Jackie Zabrowski Ed Larson Cupcake Holden But I want to be Kevin Jackie Zabrowski. Ed Larson. Cupcake. Holden. That's right. But I want to be Kevin.

You can never be Kevin. We're two different dudes, man. In nearly every way. Mostly with charisma. Mostly things with charisma related. It's like, oh, but I almost got so much pussy, dude. You should have seen me in the living room earlier when we were watching the animation. Carly fell asleep. Carly fell asleep and we almost got her.

That's one of their friends. That's the best way to put it. No free pork pies at the Blue Stove, by the way. I just wanted to throw that out there. I tried to have a pork pie and then leave and they were like, oh, you stole it. Like you left without paying. You know, they said that because you stole it. Because you didn't pay for it. Going in. You could define

it like that. If you looked at it in a different way, it's like we're friends, we're bros, we're boys, we're girls. If Carly cared about you at all, you wouldn't have had to pay for that. Exactly, right? She doesn't. It's clear. It's a small little deli, so small little diner. It's a pie shop.

It's a pie shop, coffee shop. I haven't been there, and I won't go because of that hate that you encountered today, man. I don't support hate. It was unbelievable, right? I wasn't there, but I think it's unbelievable from what you've told me. I think more things need to be free. What was horrible was that I had to pay for it

and I had to punch him until he paid me back. Oh, like it was so difficult I cried immediately. Oh, good God. Cupcake, first of all, that's Kevin Barnett. Yeah, I'm Kevin Barnett. Cupcake, we need a news story. What is happening in the world of whales, is it? Well, after spending three fucking minutes on the intro...

Can you play the Star Wars theme for that intro, by the way? Do the entire thing, loop it. We should go long enough. Roundtable of degenerates. It would be fantastic. Scientists have found a, let's see here, 12 million year old, 56 foot long beast of a whale. That seems amazing. Unbelievable.

How do they get the age on those things? Carbon dating. Ah. Very interesting. 56 feet long. I was expecting more, to be honest with you. Yeah, I thought it was something like 65, 70 At least 112

112 is minimum for monster status But I think it's big for back in the day Back in the day? What are you talking about? Dinosaurs Those don't exist Whales were the size of small chickens compared to the dinosaur era Absolutely

God made the snake And small chickens compared to the dinosaur era. Absolutely. I don't know about that, man. God made the snake and then the man and the girl. Get back into the Garden of Eden. My favorite statistic is that a blue whale's tongue is the size of 13 elephants. Think about that. 13 elephants? 13 elephants. I was just thinking about blue whales the other day, man.

It was something I do a lot. But just the other day, I was standing by this lighthouse inoklyn and it was like this lighthouse was create whatever it was 70 feet long and i was looking up at it and it was huge and i was thinking a blue whale is 30 feet longer than that that's fucking insane that's the size of his dick yeah you can run along a blue whale and get tired all these shows that we do if a blue whale fell down on the show, it would kill everybody. Think of how crazy that is. It's like a block. It's like a city block.

Yeah, it's absurd. You wonder if their tongues are scared of mice. That's interesting. Think about that for a second. The largest blue whale they found, 89 feet long. Good God. How old was that monster? Woo.

I don't know. They don't say. I feel like these things were supposed to be bigger. Yeah, I thought it was 100 feet. There's the bloop. Well, the bloop is invisible. We can't even see it. That's not even what we're talking about here.

I know, but I mean, it could be a whale. We're talking about the Leviathan Melville whale? Leviathan Melvillei. Toothy whale. Big teeth on that whale. It's got big, gnarly teeth from the picture I saw. How big were the teeth again? It's like a redneck girl's teeth.

Oh, very nice. You'll bite the shit out of me, man. Can't find gums on that body, I'll tell you that. How big was the Loch Ness Monster and other huge-ass scary creatures? I feel like, how big was Loch Ness? It's supposed to be about 50 feet, man. 50 feet? That's pretty big, though. I mean, you don big was Loch Ness? It was supposed to be about like 50 feet, man. 50 feet? That's pretty big, though.

I mean, you don't scoff at 89 feet either. You know, that's a lot of feet. That's a miracle. That's true. You still run 89 feet and get tired if you were out of shape.

I run three feet and I get tired. It's not as close. There you go. That's insane. But it's like, I don't know, that thing they were saying

was like the killer whale of his day. Think a killer whale is like 25 feet long, which is still like, I don't know, like, yeah, that thing they were saying, it was like the killer whale of his day. Like, think a killer whale is like 25 feet long, which is still, like, huge. Man. Yeah. And, like, just think of that thing just chasing down sharks and just biting up turtles in everybody's ass. It's just in everybody's ass.

It's 56 feet long. Just think about that. They're such weird-looking pieces of fat, though. They're like, there's really nothing to them. Not the orcas, man. Orcas are strong, bro. They're strong and fast. Yeah? Oh, yeah, though. They're like, there's really nothing to them. Not the orcas, man. Orcas are strong, bro. They're strong and fast. Yeah? Oh, yeah, man. Orca fuck shit up, man.

Orca's scary as hell. I don't know where the whale seems to be hiding all that muscle. It seems to be just, you know, getting along on straight brute weight. No, no, man. There's a beast. I saw a thing the other day. I was watching, uh, I do frequent Animal Planet channel when I'm at my home, at my house, and, uh, I saw, Animal Planet channel when I'm at my home and my house.

And I saw there was this thing where apparently they caught on camera a killer whale killing a great white shark, which was insane. Like it just like it destroyed. And like they're smart, too, because they know how to like they they they know like ways to like make the sharks immobile. So it was a thing where they cut up its fins and sell it to chinese people the top dollar yeah like this great white shark was just swimming through the ocean just minding his own business like hey i'm a great white shark you know but this killer whale came up on him he was like nah fuck that man i'm running these streets this is what i do and he comes up behind him him. He grabbed him by his pectoral fins. And he grabbed him.

He spun him over diagonally. And once they go upside down, they can't do shit. Sharks can't go upside down? No. Lights can't go upside down. They just fall right asleep. And then they just drown? Yeah, pretty much.

Jesus. So he just held him there for like three minutes. Like no struggle. The shark couldn't do nothing to him. I am your god now. They just know that. That's fucking amazing. much. Oh, yeah. So he just held him there for like three minutes, like no struggle. The shark couldn't do nothing to him. I am your god now. They just know that. That's fucking amazing. That's wild, man.

I saw this thing when, how they train each other. It's real weird. They'll beach themselves to catch a seal, and they'll catch the seal, and they'll drag it back out into the water, and then they'll literally start playing catch with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll get real far away, then throw it at each other with their tails and just torture it until it dies from getting slammed against the water, not even

bites. That's amazing. What is that training them to do? Kill seals. Just kill fucking seals all day long. Fuck for money, man. It was probably like 10-15 years ago where they had this seal that they were trying to raise up from the oil spill and they had it for like 3 or 4 years. There was an years ago where they had this seal that they were trying to raise up from the oil spill.

And they had it for like three or four years. And it was like, there's an oil spill. And they had this seal that they got. It's so bizarre that it got attacked by what we make it into. It's like seals are oil. And now oil is coming back to murder that dead seal. That's amazing, actually. That's lifestyle.

That's the circle of life. That's gorgeous. Disney was trying to teach us something, and we learned. The circle of life. That's gorgeous. That's beautiful. Disney was trying to teach us something, and we learned. But there was a thing where they had this seal that they were cleaning it for years. It was like a baby at the time with the oil spill or whatever.

And they finally, like, it was old enough. Years they were cleaning this thing? Well, it was like a baby, so they had to raise it. And so they had finally gotten to where it was old enough so they can send it back to the sea and release it. And this is on video. Like, all these animal people are out there, and they're watching the seal go out to the beach the seal is just running out to the beach so everyone's cheering yeah yeah i can't yo i can't believe we did this and as soon as it hits the water like a killer whale comes up on the seal and fucking grabs the

shit and it starts doing it starts throwing up right up on his head right in front of him. It's the best thing in the world. And I love the shit out of animals, but you can't deny that's hilarious. That's the problem.

Like, everyone who's ever, like, with captured animals in, like, zoos and stuff, they're living the dream. That's all that I would want. They get fed for free. They don't do anything. They're a spectacle.

Women love them. They're all over the place. They can do whatever they want. They get people thrown into the cage just for them to fuck them a seal We have so much pussy At the park with a seal you know all the bitches you would get oh my god This one's got guitar and a puppy, but I got a seal It's just like titties tittiesies, titties, titties.

There's just so many. It's all over the place. So you have to say it over and over again. Pretty sure you guys are living in a fantasy world. I just... I think that the marine biologists in SeaWorld get laid constantly. Oh, yeah. Or the marine biologists.

If you could tell a girl, you want to swim with the dolphins, have a good time? That's going to get you laid so fast. I mean, a lot of times pedophiles get jobs in the priesthood and or teaching because they want to be surrounded by the things they like to fuck the most. Maybe some of those people over there in SeaWorld like to bang on the animals a bit. Well, they're smooth. Yeah, they're smooth.

They have huge, huge gaps. Dolphins are sexy, man. Yeah, you know, dolphins got pubes. Yeah, pubes. And they rape, so they have a good sex life. They haveins sexy, man. Yeah, you know, dolphins got pubes. Yeah, pubes. And they rape, so they have a good sex life. They have a nice fantasy zone. Rough it up a little bit. Toss it around. You know when a dolphin

mother gives birth, she doesn't make a noise. Really? Really. It's a real woman right there. She slips right up. She just sits there and takes the pain. Don't say shit. Think about that, girls, alright? Stop your whining. Don't say shit. Think about that, girls, all right? Stop your whining.

Jackie, your take. Woman's take hour. I think they have bigger holes, though. You know, our holes are so tiny. But they're shitting a dolphin. It's a fucking dolphin. Yeah, but they're bigger than we are. Because they're a hole because dolphins are huge.

Yeah, dolphins are massive. No, but the baby dolphins aren't that big. They come out like three, four feet long. In defense of humans, dolphins don't have shoulders. Yeah. So you got that going on. They have them fins, man. The fins don't go away.

Those fins are out. Slippy ride, though. I had the biggest shoulders in North Dakota when I was born. You were born in North Dakota? Oh, yeah. Man, this isn't about you right now. Well, I'm just saying. I got shoulders.

I got shoulders. You had the longest shoulder. What was the shoulder length? It was huge! Fucking gigantic. And my mother did it without a C-section or pain pills. It was the last time you actually talked to her, though. And she didn't scream. How could she not scream?

My father just read the Bible to her. And she just stayed silent the entire time. Yeah, but that's the thing. I bet when she talks about it, it's like a vet talking about Nam, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. She saw terrible, terrible things that day. Oh, yeah.

Mainly me. Yeah. And like Vietnam, it continues to hurt us all. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, Massachusetts is electrocuting autistic kids now. Thank God. Right?

Wow. You wonder if it's going to be like that movie Shocker, though, and it's just going to trigger all of their autistic needs and desires, and they're just going to go crazy and murder everybody. Or maybe they'll turn into the superhero Shocker, or the supervillain it was. Yeah, that's the thing. Spider-Man. Yeah, Spider-Man.

Oh, I didn't even know that was a Spider-Man villain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought horror did that one. Yeah, yeah. I saw the, yeah, he gets put in the electric chair, and he starts pointing lightning bolts at people. Yeah, and they all just die, like with Darth Sidious or something. It was great. I loved it. But was he autistic

though? You know, he lives in his own world. Maybe that's where the lightning bolts were. I mean, they're not just frying up any autistic kid. Being autistic isn't the crime. No, but that is a pretty big crime. I feel just like, every time I hang out with an autistic kid, I'm just like, oh, you're just

really, really high. You're just super stoned, and occasionally you know a shit ton about numbers, which is kind of fun. Or groceries. They thought I was... Eight cans of corn. Eight cans of corn. All right. They thought I was retarded for a few years after I was born. I bet. I bet. Yeah, the doctor, the nurses, my parents, my older brother.

It's probably because you're horse mouth. Yeah, yeah. You're a horse mouth. Well, you just had a drool situation, and yeah, I was always kind of like ripping at my penis when I was growing up. You got the long fingers, too. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. I was just like...

I was obsessed with beef jerky. I didn't even know what it was, but I just kept screaming for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, after... You're slightly more retarded after you go to that Polish barber. Every time you go to the Polish barber, you come back two shades more dumb. I still eat

cat food from time to time. I was trying to knock the back of your knees. Absolutely. Still can't get in there. Still can't quite get in there. But I try. I was always overestimated as a child, man. Everybody thought I was a great... I was a dude, like, if you had some questions

about animals, you'd come talk to me. I knew what time it was. I had my wildlife... It was animal time. Yeah, man. If it was animal time, I got your back. How did that work out on the streets, though? That's my question. I mean, that's the only way to survive, man.

I was listening to the last podcast, man. You were hating on me saying I went to art school. You know what? Fuck you, man. You had to listen to it over again because you were too drunk. No, I wasn't too drunk. As I said, I was sober as a cat. I wasted a cat.

A cat who was sleeping in vodka. No, no, no. Y'all take advantage of me because I hadn't eaten all day. I hadn't eaten all day and you gave me that soup. Who's fault was that? Look, I had no choice. You were the eight Coors God. Coors don't get me drunk.

You say they sober me up. You had three. And was I drunk? No. What? You were passed out in a half hour after that podcast was done. I had to drink. I got through seven of those within like an hour and a half.

Yeah, but it wasn't eight, though, was it? Because y'all drank. You guys drank the last one. I went in the refrigerator. And it was junk. That is true. We did ask for the last ones, and we were drinking them. Here's what happened.

It was after the podcast had already ended. So me and Holden declared you a failure and took your beer. Yeah, that was the thing. We were going to write, like, suck cock here, but it wouldn't have had the same effect with a Sharpie. It wouldn't have really popped. I'm going to do it again. The next time I do it, I'm going to stay just as sober as I was last time.

I guarantee you you're going to be just as sober as you were last time. We do have Henry here in the peanut gallery. Let's get the verdict from Henry. Henry, how sober, from a scale of one to wasted, one being wasted and wasted being wasted, was Kevin Barnett at last podcast? Well, I would say that he could still do a stand-up set,

but he could not fly a plane. Thank you. Henry Zabrowski, everybody. And stand-up is supposed to be the hardest thing to do in the world, so. Yeah, yeah So you guys can still do the big things. Just my motor skills aren't there. That's all there is. So cryptozoology.

Yeah, so when you were accosted in the streets, how did this information help you out? Because these things would come up to me asking me questions about whatever was going on in the world. And I'm just like, the problem is people ain't out there believing, man. Yeah. This whole situation we have over at Loch Ness is a mess. in the world. And I'm just like, the problem is, people ain't out there believing, man. Yeah. You know? This whole situation we have over Loch Ness is a mess. It really is a mess. I didn't know it was a situation.

It's a mess. You know, and it's like... It's like North Korea. I seriously, I've only heard that followed by Iraq. This whole situation we have over there in Iraq is a mess. I've never heard that about Loch Ness. The thing is, people are out there hating and not believing. It's like, I just want to find these beautiful plesiosaurs that are lost in that lake so

that when they do, I can find them and they don't get thrown into some crazy scientist's lab and people start experimenting on them. Do terrible things. This is the thing. All right. You got to think about this, right? Oh, yeah. Loch Ness, that monster, as they call it.

It's not a monster. It's a beautiful creature. It's a can of PBR and two kegs taped together by a frat. What are you saying to me right now? It's fake. You're saying fakishism. Fakishism. Fakishism.

Okay, so if it's, why hasn't it, where does it poop? Where does it do anything? It goes to the bottom of the lake. It's in the ocean. What are you doing? It's in the lake. The Loch Ness Lake is not that big. That's the thing. It's very deep.

I went to Loch Ness. It's extremely deep. And the thing about Loch Ness is it's one of the murkiest, nastiest lakes. You can't see. If you were to go in that water, you can't see more than a foot in front of you. So you're telling me like a fisherman with a fish finder, he wouldn't like, oh, that's a huge thing that has the back of a turtle and it looks like the Empire State Building. Well, hey, let's talk about that for a second.

Let's do that. Let me drop some knowledge on you. Ooh. All right. Loch Ness right now, currently, landlocked. It's landlocked now. But before, when all these sightings were going on, it wasn't landlocked. Well, like a couple hundred years ago, it wasn't landlocked.

It was open to the ocean. Okay. Right? landlocked. Well, a couple hundred years ago, it wasn't landlocked. It was open to the ocean. So, they have people doing accounts of this Loch Ness monster, as they call it. And I've seen those people.

They all seem to love the meth and live in trailers. They're in Scotland, dude. Oh, yeah. That's where it all originated. They're like castles over there, bro. Haunted castles. Trailer castles. All their shit is supernatural. Have you seen fucking gargoyles?s it's bad who's from there he's one of classiest dudes on earth that's true good point the thing was alright

when most of these sightings were going on like this is like there was there is there there was a thing that they did back in the 70s where they went and did like a scan of the entire lake and like a bunch of cocaine they went and they swept the entire lake with this radar right what they found was there was a bunch of massive shapes down in the water moving around moving around down there they know what it was what was it what was it? What was it? No. What was it? The Loch Ness Monster. Oh! You're calling it a monster, you

fucking bastard. As they say. I'm just saying so our audience, all the thousands out there can know what I'm talking about. Or 53, whichever. Don't pull the curtain back, Marcus. You told me we had 60. Yeah, yeah.

I heard 60. I had to round it up, like, way up. I thought it was 60. What it was is I looked at it today, and the max on our stats are 60, but we just went up to 53. Hey! All right. Almost maxing our stats.

This is actually a good time. I just want to give a send-off before we get back to the Loch Ness thing too. Isadora in Mexico. Izzy, little Izzy. Talking about a girl who likes greasy monsters. Oh, okay. That was for you, sweetheart. Burn!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we saw it. Burn it down! I don't think you have to burn somebody who lives in Mexico. Her neighbor is burning right now. He burned me. God damn it, Isadora. Let's go away. Put your penis back in your pants, Holden.

I'm boning up. I want to let you know right now, my name's Ed Larson. I'm much stronger than Holden. Much stronger. Much more masculine, too. I'd say larger. He's definitely larger. Definitely more attractive, too.

That's for sure. And those extends commercials. Holden's the before and Eddie's the after. I'm the kind of guy who likes to commit. I like surfing. I like long walks on the beach. Oceanic activities I'm a big fan of. How many times have you janked it to her pictures on Facebook at this point?

Because she did give you free reign. I have junk access and nine. Nine times, Izzy! Little Izzy won that competition. It's also the German word for no. That's a good point. So, Kevin, let's move on to

a different section of cryptozoology. What are your other interests? Hey, hold on, man. I'm trying to educate these people. Because they did this sweep, right? They found the shapes moving down there, right? All right. I think like a decade later, they did a thing where they found things were echolocating down there.

There was some unknown species down there, echolocates, and it sounded like it was coming from a big animal. So there was that, and they found the shakes moving around down there in the lake when they did the scan. Also, people had drawings of this, and what they described the Loch Ness Monster as was exactly as what a plesiosaur is, which they didn't know existed at the time.

All those drawings, pictures of Loch Ness, that's a plesiosaur. No one knew that existed at the time the sighting started. Well, when did the sighting start? Like the 40s? Was it like the 1900s? Because I feel like we knew about dinosaurs by then, right? No, it was even before that. Like local people around there.

I forget the years that it was going on. So I guess it makes sense that maybe it was just the last dinosaur ever to exist. And so like, yeah, they did it again. Although alligators are kind of like dinosaurs. Oh, totally. Yeah, yeah. Crocodiles more.

Yeah, the old croc. So what they did it again about like, the thing is like in the past like decade or so, the sightings have been going down. Like there hasn't been

nearly as many sightings. Maybe it's sick. Yeah, they did another sweep of it, right? And they didn't find anything, any of those big shapes moving down there and there's nothing

more echolocating. So since the lake's not landlocked anymore, what probably happened is the few that were left in there died out. Yeah. And so they existed.

They gotta get to fucking exist. But now they don't. Oh, yeah. Wait, there was more than one? There had to have been more. It's not just, it's a dinosaur that exists. It's a creature.

This is real life. Well, maybe it was just a bug. I can see that happening. Yeah. And so they think they're probably out there still living in the ocean, because we don't know what's out there. We got the bloop. We got this giant whale probably still around.

The bloop. The first recorded sighting of the Loch Ness Monster, 7th century. There you go. Oh, that very well could be, then. Yeah, because they didn't mention the dinosaurs in the Bible. Yeah, nobody knew about that kind of shit. Oh, man. Seventh century.

And knowledge has been dropped. And an Irish monk as well. Wow. Knowledge has been dropped. He's not a liar. He could have been hammered, though. Yeah, totally. And they also ate that old bread that made them trip and shit.

That's true. And made them burn women. Yeah. Why can't we bring that back? When the burning of witches. Burning women never goes out. Waco, Texas, was that how long ago? I mean, yeah. Get your Hershey's bars.

Get your marshmallows. It's time for a little fun what do you call those things? S'mores. S'more burned women. That's what I said. Everybody's doing it. It's what we do. You're a lady if you're ready to be a lady. Hey, let me high five you.

We're men, ladies and gentlemen. We're men. All right, so we got to put a vote up on the website. Burn women? Yes, no. No. I'm going to draw. I bet that when people say burn women, that the damn Malakas monster exists. on the website. Burn women? Yes, no. Let's do a note. I'm going to... Do it and try and burn me.

I bet that when people say burn women that the damn Malaknus monster exists. Oh, hold on, man. Not after the knowledge I just dropped. See, that's the thing. I believe. It's totally changed the whole viewpoint. Oh, I believe.

I believe. I've always believed. I believe in Bigfoot, too. What do you got on Bigfoot? Well, that's insane. It's not insane. Don't be a fucking asshole. Not at all.

Bigfoot's not possible. Why is Bigfoot not possible? What about evolution? Everything I've ever seen on Bigfoot, all of these shows, they have so much documented footage, there's not insane. Don't be a fucking asshole. Not at all. Bigfoot's not possible. Why is Bigfoot not possible? What about evolution? Everything I've ever seen on Bigfoot, all of these shows, they have so much documented footage, there's never anything. I just feel like there's this huge beast running around. It's either a gorilla or just some drunkard rolling around in the woods. It's just a timid animal. It's scared.

Why would he be scared? What animal has survived until 2010 that's scared? He doesn't understand mission space. That's how they survive is being scared, man. Oh, come on. They got different rules than we do. Come on. In a hood, you can't be scared.

You get shot up. Oh, right. In Wisconsin, you can't be scared. With your hood and your art schools. No, in Wisconsin, we're all good. Unbelievable. Kevin just got tested by Jackie. I think it's going to be a new thing now. You guys have to go fucking toe-to-toe

on some fucking murderous rampages. I'll fight you over Bigfoot any day. Are you with him or are you against him? You think he exists? I think Bigfoot exists, yes. Bigfoot exists in every culture. Of course. The Bonneville Snowman, the Yeti.

My question is, did he land on the moon, Jackie? Did he land on the moon, Jackie? Did he land on the moon? Now we got to hear about it. I'm going to get pissed at her. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Give it. We did not land on the moon. Why? Well, I think that we did land on the moon. Too much time taken up. All right.

We did land on the moon, but all the footage was lost, and that is true. They just found it recently, the footage that was lost quote unquote for so long. Don't you fucking shake your head at me. It's the exact same thing as the fucking

Yeti. Don't you shake your head at me. It's the same thing. You're just doubting America. Oh yeah? Doubting America. Oh, yeah? Doubting America. Fuck you, Fourth of July. I don't care about you. Jackie hates Abe Lincoln. Ladies and gentlemen, she doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm so sorry about

this. Oh, don't apologize for me. It's the same thing with the Yeti, though. There's always eyewitness reports and then every time you see footage, it's always reenactments. Why is that? Because it's not real. And I'm with you, Jackie. We never went to the moon. By that standard, we've never

been there. No, we did go to the moon. We just made up the footage to show that we did actually go to the moon to fucking beat those fucking Russian assholes who are invading our country to this day. That is not true. They're here. Sexy spies. Well, not true. Spies. They're here. Well, of course they're here.

Everyone is here. Jackie, have you heard about the Russian spies? Hit me with it. It's the news of the day. Hot bitches invaded our country like boob bots. Fine ass whores. So what's the problem? I don't understand what the problem is about that. They're giving secrets to the commies.

Yeah, fuck the commies, man. They are stupid. But they're hot. All the informationies. Yeah, but the commies, man. They are stupid. But they're hot. All the information they've been giving the Russians, you can find that shit on the internet. Seriously. Well, they put them out in suburban New Jersey. All they know about is PTA meetings, and people like to lie about being 10 pounds thinner than they are in America. They're around in the city, aren't they?

No, most of them weren't. Most of them were upstate or Jersey. But not a lot? Coney Island? Yeah, one was in Coney Island, actually, yeah. Everybody seems to be homeless in this country. One of them lived on Wall Street. Oh, yeah, yeah, the redhead bitch. Oh, she was Wall Street.

The hot one. Oh, I didn't know that. She had those big Russian tits, man. I love Russians. Huge. Oh, Russian tits, man. My hernia doctor was down in Russia. Down in Konya.

And, man, just walking around those streets, I just fell in love like 15 times. Really? What is it about them? They're huge. They're so powerful. Yeah. It's not just big. They're strong.

I like a girl who could choke me to death. And that would be a strong gal. I'm the only guy that can give you a massage. I'm 6'7 with big hands. Big old mitts. You touch me so good. I'm a big whale of a man. I love it.

Oh, man. I mean, that's the thing. You wonder how much massaging does a whale have to do to really get past that blubber, get into those bones. That's how they must mate. I mean, what kind of pleasure do you get when you have that much girth? Can you feel anything, or do you just feel everything? Well, how do you feel when you have sex with Mara? Yeah, because you're a fucking huge ugly bastard.

I have never once envied the girl beneath me. I have never once been like, that's the position I wanted to be in. I want that on your tombstone. That's the quote. That's the position I wanted to be in. I want that on your tombstone. That's the quote. That's the quote. No, I mean, of course, she's petrified and just wants to get it over with as quickly as possible. What a nice girl she is. She's great.

I'm glad she really took you off our hands. Well, whatever. I think I'm just around enough. How do whales mate, Kevin? Do you know anything about that? Dick and pussy. I know dolphins rape. Do whales rape?

Tell me, Ed. Tell me. How does the dick and pussy make the baby? Dick squirt. Pussies suck. How do storks get down there and deliver their babies? Breaking it down. How do they mate, though? Is and deliver their babies? Breaking it down.

How do they make, though? Is it an aggressive process? Abdomen to abdomen. Yeah, abdomen. They swim. One swims under the other one, upside down. And they do it like that. So they can go on their back, but the killer sharks can't. Sharks can't do it.

So how do they fight? Most pieces of sharks can't do it. When sharks make great white orgies,ies are usually around whale carcasses. Oh. They feed off the blubber of the whale. I thought you were going to say around flaming lips concerts. They feed off the whales for days, and then they finally, you know, once they start getting drunk on food, start banging each other. Really?

Oh, yeah. But they don't go upside down. They kind of just put their mouths towards the water and bang like that. Sounds like what I do every Sunday, man man I don't want anyone to touch me I just want to get fucked that's right yeah don't kiss me on the lips it's real weird though you're a big fan of a hooker sex yeah oh yeah oh yeah. Julia Roberts and shit. You're going to hit me. Close that hand. Julia Roberts was like, to hookers, what Sidney Poitier was to black men. She just really made them look amazing in that fucking movie.

It was like, oh, they're all brilliant. Every hooker is beautiful and hot. I had no idea. This whole time, I've been banging this chick feeding her Pizza Hut. I'll spend 50 bucks and get Julia fucking Roberts. It is weird that animals, they must be,

sharks probably pass by different sexes all the time. What inspires them, you think, to just mount the one that they love? I wonder what, they don't have tits, right?

Pretty sure they just think like meat. Meat. They sing to each other. Do they just think, like, meat. Meat. They sing to each other. Do they? Yeah. Sharks sing to each other. Oh, I thought we were still

talking about whales. No, whales. Sharks don't make any noise. Yeah, yeah, no. Sharks are terrible creatures. Yeah, whale song is just like, I'm a whale. All he knows is shark makes.

You're a whale. Drowning is when it's, like, stuck on a boat. I don't sleep. That's the only noise a shark can make. Yeah, totally. They're all making that old dude from Grumpy Old Man and the original Penguin.

No, man. I love in Jaws when the shark, when Jaws jumps out of the water and you hear the dinosaur roar. That's the best. Jaws is your favorite movie, right? Jaws and Apocalypse Now. Yeah. I love them both and them equally.

If only a shark could have been in Apocalypse Now. Oh, man. There's a tiger in Apocalypse Now. Yeah, them both. If only a shark could have been in Apocalypse Now. Oh, man, there's a tiger in Apocalypse Now. Yeah, there is. Tiger! Oh, man. So I was just watching The Heart of Darkness, which is the making of Apocalypse Now. Oh, yeah. I love it so much.

And they have this one part when they have the tiger scene. They bring the tiger trainer in. And the tiger trainer is just deformed from plural tiger attacks. I'm going back in. Don't go in. Don't go in. They're like, are you sure the tiger's going to jump at him? And they're like, yes, I haven't fed him in weeks.

That's why everyone's so scared to death. End of the world stuff. That would be a terrible way to die, just getting torn apart by a wild beast, man. A fucking tiger? That would be so awful. That would be fucking horrifying. I'm watching that tonight right after. So, Kevin, what is your favorite?

What's your favorite mammal? Favorite mammal? I'd go with tigers, man. Tigers all around? Yeah, big time tigers. Badass motherfuckers. They are. They really are.

Fucking retractable claws. Big ass teeth. Really? They're like Wolverine. Oh, yeah. All cats. A tiger could do anything. They are. They really are. Fucking retractable claws. Big ass teeth. Really? They're like Wolverine. Oh yeah. All cats. Tiger can do anything. Absolutely anything.

The only cat that doesn't have retractable claws is the cheetah and they got like dog feet. Really? They got that badass back. They're fast as fuck. Yeah, I was about to say it doesn't even fucking matter.

You know what I mean? Every time I see Wolverine he just reminds me of my liver. It never seems to, you know, it always seems to heal which is really, really nice. Raging, raging alcoholic.

Which is fantastic. So tigers are the number... Why are lions considered, like, the most beautiful, majestic thing in the Lion King? Because they don't have to fight tigers, man. Tigers don't exist in Africa. Yeah, tigers... Oh, they don't? No, no, no, no. Lions and tigers do never meet each other. Never? Never meet each other. Why was it always lions and tigers or mice? It's impossible to have an O'Malley.

Lions, tigers, and bears. They don't interact. It's lions, tigers, and bears. And none of those animals actually ever interact with each other. Well, why was I so scared? It's not even possible to get a trifecta like that. I was petrified when I was a kid. It used to be, man. It used to be.

Back in the day, lions was hanging out in Asia and Europe. But they died out over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back when it was, you know, the Pangea. Yeah, the super con. Asians just love to kill these beautiful animals. They just love to murder them. We do too.

But not like an Asian. Asians really do like to kill more. I watched that video, the one with the people who do the sharks and they kill the dolphins. It's insane. But it's still the dream though. The allure is still there. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent. It's a love-hate thing, man.

It's like I can't fight it. I spent so many hours on the internet trying to find where all the dying peace Asians hang out at. And I found a database online. It's a thing called Club Zen. It just lists like 10, 12 spots a night where you can find Asians at. No way. Really? They break it down like that?

Yeah, they break it down like that. Dude, you talked about this last week, but you were too drunk to remember. I don't actually remember that either. I just wanted to bring it up again because it needs to be brought up again. Are you working for this Asian website? Have you been to one yet, Kevin? No, that's the thing, man, because nobody wants to go. I'll go with you.

Let's go, man. I would love to. I mean, I would love to think that I have a large penis for one night. It's like it's all innocent and everything. You guys have to start looking up firefighter bars. That's what I've been looking up. What's a firefighter? Where, uh...

Oh, where firefighters are. Where firefighters go. I thought you were talking about redheads or fire crotches. No, no, no, no. Not fire crotches. That's what I am. I'm a fire crotch. Ugh, gross.

It's great. What are you talking about? A redhead girl with a red crotch? It's wonderful. Yeah. Yeah, but a redheaded big fucking beast with a red ass crotch? No, thank you. Oh, it's not an ass crotch.

It's a dick crotch, but whatever. I don't have my anus in the front and my penis in the back. I wish I had my penis in the back. It would be like a tail, and then I would just, like, fuck on from behind. It would be adorable. But it's like I like strange things. I just wish I came like rocks. That'd be great.

And just hit them in the eye and shit. They'd be like, oh no, I'm so upset, I'm so hurt. I'm just like, ha ha ha. That's what you get for fucking choosing me. But, you know, it's a strange time downstairs when I'm talking to a woman upstairs. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. That would change the gay community without question.

If dicks were in the back and butts in the front, that would be a very, very different story. Very awkward sex, I imagine. Yeah, definitely. But similar, I guess. Although the guy on the back would no longer be the man. The guy in the front would actually be the man. And the guy receiving would be up top being the lady. It would probably be Santa Claus.

Absolutely. It would also be great hitting on someone at the bar. You just say, would you like a cocktail? Right, and then you fart. Would you have to use toilets backwards? Would you have to sit on toilets like A.C. Slater? Yeah, yeah. Is that A.C.'s thing?

Yeah, he sits in chairs backwards. Oh, yeah. I've been saying, I've been trying to do a little more pee sit-downs, and that's been very fun. It's all right. It depends. Early in the morning, sometimes I want a pee sit-down because I really don't. Early in the morning or after sex, I really don't have control over my penis. Right.

But doesn't it hurt your penis to bend it at that point? That's a good call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never thought of that before. Do the sit-down. I've actually never thought about that, man. Sometimes my dick will be pointing straight at the toilet. No, and the stream. The piss will just stream right to the left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never thought of that before. Me either. I've actually never thought about that, man. Sometimes my dick will be pointing straight at the toilet. No, and the stream.

This will just stream right to the left. Yeah, yeah. I know. It makes no sense. I was like, how do I not get this on everything? Yeah. I left my mark at the end of the day, but it's like, geez, I never thought of that. Great idea.

Jackie, ladies, they don't have a stream. They just have a gush, right? No, but that's what I don't understand is, does that hurt your dick to like point it at like a 45 degree angle? If it hard yeah yeah yeah when it's limp you can do whatever you want with it oh that thing is an explosion from a tree off i had to take a hard-on piss earlier today it was not pleasant it's not it's kind of fun sometimes yeah yeah because you never know where it's going. You're trying to battle it. Look at my dick all hard. Shit, I'm going to pee real quick.

Yeah, yeah. What's the deal with it when just a little puff of smoke comes out of it? Oh, it's just exhausted. It's tired. That's a great white shark gut. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, it's just. Oh, man. After my surgery. Hernia surgery. Hernia surgery. After my surgery, it took five days for me to get a hard-on. God. Really? Oh, my God. And it was the best hard-on i ever got just the biggest i feel like my first hard-on so worried i was like it's not coming back it's not gonna come back i'm dead my whole life is

fucking over because i can't be a comedian without being able to get hard the first time i ever jacked off, speaking of lions, the top of my head just puffed up like it was a huge mane. It was really, really badass. Like you got stung by a bee or something. Exactly, like Martin Short in Pure Luck.

I always like to say that. I had to figure it out. I had a difficult time for a while. I couldn't make it give the goo. Oh, yeah? I was humping. I remember I humped you between the mattresses. Did you? You went for that? Yeah, yeah. That's how I make it give the goo. Oh, yeah, I was humping. I remember a hump whoa mattresses Yeah

That's really bizarre Yeah, that's normal But I mean it's like why would you want to fuck your mattress? I feel like this is a whole other realm of sexuality. There's like an end to this. There must be an end to this. And I just couldn't figure it out because I need a little Lubies. So you moved your mattress? No, I didn't move the mattress.

I figured out the Lubies later. Holy Jesus. It was upsetting. Yes. If I walk into my son fucking his bed, I don't even know what to... Is he gay? Is he straight? I don't even...

He loves Sealy's. I'll tell you that. You walked out of your mind. That's a Scott tip. Yeah. That's for his 18th birthday, just to ruin it. Do you guys still get random hard-ons, though, or is that like a puberty thing? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Very uncomfortable. Oh, random hard-ons. That subway system in NYC is responsible for like 80% I love random hard-on. That subway system in NYC is responsible for like 80% of my random hard-ons. So difficult. So many times I see a girl on the subway, it's just over. But also when you're just going to work

and it's super early in the morning and your brain is all fucked up and you just get a hard-on for no reason. Yeah, you really never know. You can think about anything. Sometimes it's a bad situation. Sometimes you get hard at the wrong times. You can't stop being hard because it's just so much so exciting. I actually felt like a huge dickhead one time. This elderly woman came on with a push cart, and I literally hit a bone around the subway,

and I just couldn't give her my seat. I could not stand up at this moment. There would be no room. People would be flying out of the door like it was some sort of crazy. Don't even ask me about the Holocaust Memorial. Holy Jesus. That was a tough time. You know what always gets me in trouble on the train? Is that I look at girls and women

and I think, I wonder how she lost her virginity. Oh. And then the fantasies begin and then it's just downhill. And then she's like, oh, I love it when people hit me. And you're like, oh, she lost it to her father. I see. I figured it out. That's very interesting. Grabbing at their boobies.

Yeah. Are you hard right now? Because that's what it sounds like. It's a halfies. Halfie hard? It's a halfsers. I got nothing. I mean, that's the thing.

That's about as limp as you can get. Those animals in the ocean, they must constantly get the boners. Just from the waves. I went to a nude beach at Sandy Hook with Mara, and I got a boner the entire... As soon as I stepped into the water, like, the water on your dick is just a huge blowjob. You're just getting a blowjob from Mother Earth. It's really fantastic. That's beautiful.

Yeah, it is. I like it. I like it very much. How'd you lose it all, Kevin? When was the first gal you were able to spunk with? What? You put it so horribly. We've already been talking about losing your virginity for a second.

It's a romantic moment, man. Yeah, no. Mostly it's not romantic. It's never romantic. It's never romantic. I had to pick toilet paper. It was not at all. Who was the ugly bitch that you killed?

The happiest woman on the planet. This one wasn't ugly. She was fine. I started off good, but then it was just like a downward spiral. All my friends back home, they call me the angler. It's like I'm just a bottom feeder. I'll just fuck anything that walks. That's my name.

The funniest thing is if we came up together, we would be fighting over the same disgusting Puerto Rican shit like every single Saturday. We would just come to blows. Who knows how that could have ended. I always find myself at a point where I'm like, well, this is where I'm at right now. This is real.

I'm telling you, fat chicks were the greatest growing up. They were so ready to receive and so ready to give. They just loved it. Well, it's because they don't get it from most people. As a BBW myself, I feel like I can say that. I give it my gusto whenever I can get it.

Henry, stop listening. It's fine. I don't want it. You said you wanted to come and listen to the podcast. Jackie's the only woman on the podcast. I am still here as a brother. I'm still here. Fucking a fat chick is like showing, you know, Happy Gilmore in a small town. They're just so happy to be entertained.

I mean, I'm talking like right now. If you show that in like Minerva, New York, they would just be like, oh, this is great. This is great. Like fat chicks, they're just happy to be there. It's really fantastic. No, I fucked my fair share of fat chicks in my time. It was great. They're always boisterous.

To be fair, two of them did date rape me. Yeah. Whoa. How'd that go down, Cupcake? Both of them just kept buying me drinks all night, buying me shots, buying me drinks. Wow. Then took me back, buying me drinks. Wow. Then took me back to my place and fucked me. One of them actually had her period in the middle of sex.

And I woke up. Maybe she was a virgin. No, she was not. This woman was not a virgin. This woman was not a virgin. Her teeth had a small dick. They were eroded from cock. I woke up the next morning in period blood having no fucking clue what happened.

Dude, I tell you, I ate a chick out of my period. Stayed on my mattress until I got rid of it. It's just like a your house, dude. I don't understand how a woman could let that happen. I ate a chick out. Why would they let you do that? I ate a chick out. She was a virgin.

Her name was Jackie in Menominee. Yeah, it was. It wasn't you. I do that. I ate a chick out. She was a virgin. Her name was Jackie in Menominee. Yeah, it was. Yes. It wasn't you. I know that. I assure you, by the time I was 22, you were a huge whore. Aren't you like seven years older than I am? Yeah, that's the problem.

That's the gross thing about it, actually. That's really true, though. I was just eating that puss thinking I was doing a great job. All of a sudden, it was just like a liver chunk just came flying towards my teeth. I was swallowing it. And it was a Texas Chainsaw Massacre scene, my friend. It was so disgusting. It's so clotty.

Oh, what are they getting rid of? It's like getting a juju bee left on you. Like, I have chewed juju bees. Oh, absolutely. It's so gross. Oh, God. It's a hook-nosed dick. I lost my virginity to a girl who was on her period

Ah Nice Well at least you weren't freaked out then Nature's loopy Yeah Actually she had to stop She had to stop because she said she could smell her own blood Oh

As opposed to sharks that's probably a turn on You just told me you had a bunch of pennies in your head A bedspan out of pennies What do you want from it It is true Period blood is insanely Hard to clean though I don't know why

It's different from any other blood Because it's not blood It's like No it's dead fetus It's dead fetus Yeah Well it's all like It's all the inside

Of your uterus It's the opposite of cum Yeah Yeah You shed the lining Inside your vagina Oh yeah. It's the opposite of cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shed the lining inside your vagina. Oh, yeah. Every month? Every month.

That's what it is? Oh, yeah. It's like a snake. You know, a snake sheds its skin. Sure. Like, women are snakes because it's like Eve with the apple. Right, and they're evil. Going back to the Garden of Eden.

They're going to shed it. God's fault. That's disgusting. I mean, what was it like the first time you grabbed onto that period? Like, were you preparing for it? Or when it came, you were just like, oh. Did you cry when you had your first period? Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. My mother was just like, yo, woman, now. And I'm like, does that mean I have to get pregnant? She's like, yes. I was just waiting for me to get pregnant. How old? How old? 13.

Okay. That's not bad. No, 13's all right. No, I matured very early, if you know what I mean. No, I don't think that, because there were girls in like my sixth grade class getting periods. How do you feel about this? I just don't want to ever know. Do you know that a woman stops growing once she gets her period?

That is, like, I am the height I am at 13. I was this height at 13. You stopped growing. Judy Gold must have gotten her period. That is, like, I am the height I am at 13. I was this height at 13. You stop growing. Judy Gold must have gotten her period at 28. That woman's 6'7". She's a comedian. Oh, man, Bridget Nielsen, man. Bridget Nielsen's a big old...

She hasn't had one yet. Yeah, yeah, that's the problem. That's the problem. She's growing like the Loch Ness Monster, just getting larger and larger and larger and larger. She just can't stop herself. That's like a Moses Malone. What? Moses is a big guy.

God damn it. That just reminded me. R.I.P. Manute Ball. That's what I wanted to say. R.I.P. Manute Ball. Oh, man. I wrote a song about Manute Ball once. You did?

It was called Manute Ball's African Know How. Kevin, how does that make you feel? It makes me feel great and special. Well, the thing is, Manute Ball, he is from Africa, African native. That's right. And the song was all about Manute Bull being the ship detective on a cruise ship. Wow. Yeah.

Solved the murder. Well, he did do those Carnival Cruise Line. He did do the Carnival Cruise Line commercials for a while. What no one knows, he was actually the ship detective. Wow. That's not true. He came a long way. That's for damn sure.

Absolutely. Butler did it, by the way. He beat the fuck out of Fridge. He beat the fuck out of William Perry. When? They had the celebrity boxing. Manute Bull versus William Perry. Oh, no way.

Manute Bull beat the shit out of him. Really? Yeah, he's got the reach. Yeah, he had the reach like a motherfucker. Really? That's actually shocking because Manute was such a frail looking dude. Manute Bull as a child used to hike down lions and stab them. No.

Oh, yeah. Hunt down lions, man. Yeah, no, I swear to God. Is this the basis for the... Give us three. It's the fucking basis for Philadelphia

play for the Sixers that is right it is he is the inspiration for the air up there that Kevin Bacon movie that's actually true yeah

I actually remember that now remember Christian Akoye the running back for the Chiefs the Nigerian nightmare he was amazing I didn't know he was Nigerian

yeah he's the Nigerian nightmare he was he was amazing. I didn't know he was Nigerian. Yeah, he's the Nigerian Nightmare. He was the best running back in the league for four years, and then he disappeared and just went back to Africa. He always froze up when they played the Bengals, though, for some reason. He always froze up. Never quite strong enough to get past their D-line.

That's because he was scared of tigers, man. He never fought a tiger. You put him against Detroit, against the Lions, he runs all over. The Buccaneers? What the fuck is a Buccaneer? I'm going to kill those white assholes. Bengals?

I don't know. I don't know tigers, man. So, boys and lady, gentlemen and lady, I think we have a phone call to make. Are we going to do this? Yeah. We're going to do this. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, as comedians, we're always looking for help and support to get better at our crafts. And we recently found a wonderful post up that had phone numbers all over it saying, call this number if you want to get better at comedy. And, you know, fuck. I think we're just going to try to do that. And we're going to try to improve our game. What do you think, Kevin?

Do you think this is going to help us out? I think it's going to help out a lot. I mean, absolutely. I don't have direction right now, and I need somebody to tell me what and where to do stuff. How to be funny. Yeah, because it's something you can learn from something. That's something my dad always told me. It's like, if you're going to try to be funny, have somebody teach you.

That's right. Absolutely. What I love is that this guy advertises as $40 for an hour and then $60 for an hour and a half. There's no sale or like it's not special at all. It's just math. It's just math. I will say the person who calls this number is probably not dumb enough to figure out that that's not a good deal. I'm like, oh, great. He just cut it in half.

So I'm not paying for that half hour I'm not getting? Are you crazy? This is a steal. About $60 for an hour and a half, $80 for two hours. What? If you want to do three, we can get 120. Not bad. So the numbers just go up with the hours?

Oh, that's perfect. I think that's how sales work. So here's the plan, anyway. Very, very aggravating, that's perfect. I think that's how sales work. So here's the plan anyway. Very, very aggravating, I will say. Kevin, as comedians, we all know these are very, very offensive things to comedians because they are comedy is not learned in a classroom. It's not biology. It's not math.

You're funny, you're not funny. Exactly. You're more funny. You're not funny and you work your ass off to figure out at least a mildly funny routine. Right. Like this is something that no one needs to ever do. So this is a little... I like to... I wake up in the morning, I say, I'm funny.

I'm funny. You're funny. I'm funny. You're funny. You're funny. I'm funny. We're all funny. Well, I'm funny.

You're funny. And then I beat off... What, Ed? I was just going to cut you off because you weren't saying anything about it. No, no. That is very important, though. Your daily feel good. I'm so bad. I got these fat weren't saying anything about it. No, no. That is very important, though. Your daily feel good. I'm so bad.

I got these fat fingers. I can't ever press the numbers correctly. Here, let me do it. You do it. You got those little skinny fingers. I love that technology has proved how, like, unevolved big people are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish it was made by larger people because then we could all use it.

Like, my fingers are the same as Eddie's, just big meatloafs, and it's just impossible to hit these small ones and twos. What's the problem with touchscreens. On a touchscreen, I hit, like, five buttons at once. Because you're jamming your head into it. Because you're like, I'm touching it, I'm touching it. It's not mean touch, though. It has to be nice touch.

All right, so I'm going to make this call. We're going to call this guy, and I'm going to set up an appointment. I'm going to leave him a message if he doesn't pick up, and we'll see if it's going to go on. All right? All right. This is an experiment, ladies and gentlemen. A little experiment. The phone's ringing.

Oh, yeah. How's that sound? Sounds like a ring. Sound good? Yeah. I wonder how many calls he gets a day. One. Hello.

Hi. I saw your flyer over at the legion bar yeah i did i did i was interested i was interested in your classes they're not classes what is it i've been trying i've been getting up a little bit at a couple open mics, but I've been doing horrible. I've been doing real bad, and I really want to try to improve.

It's something I'm real passionate about. I've been passionate about it since I was a child. So I see on the flyer you have a lot of... You're a New York... You're a working comic. Where might I have seen you perform before? Most of them. New York, you're a working comic. Where might I have seen you perform before? I love the club, you know. Most of them.

Oh, yeah? Do you ever play at the Laugh House? No, I don't even know what the Laugh House is. Oh, it's upstate. It's a really nice place. My dad used to always take me there for Prime Rib. I love it so much. Prime rib, huh?

Oh my god, I love prime rib. Most of my materials is mostly about steak. I know, I know. Oh man. But I'm really excited. It's just... It's so much fun getting up there and just...

You know, and you look at the people and they just... They just want... I gotta get better, though. I've been doing... I've been doing bad. You know, I've said... I gotta be honest with you. You just don't sound like a funny person.

I don't... Oh! What... That's... That... Are you serious? I can't make you funny. I can sit down with you and go over stuff and make you funny.

If it's something you're passionate about and you want to pursue, just go out there and keep doing the open mics and get better. I mean, really, what I'm here for is more like if you don't want to, you know, just to give you a push to get up there, but you don't really sound very funny to me. I don't know. Oh. It's not for everybody, you know? That's

You're really, uh You're really kind of breaking my heart here. I suppose, you know, it's going to take you a lot of years of You're really kind of breaking my heart here. It's been a lot of years of frustration. How long have you been doing it? Too long. Too long, yeah.

So how successful are you? Have you been on TV? I've been on TV, but I'd say I'm probably about a four and a half on the successful chart. Of what, five? Of what? Like four out of five? Ten. Out of ten?

Yes, out of ten, I would say. Out of ten. And you're teaching classes? Well, we're not classes. Oh, one-on-ones, just, you know. Is there anyone else who can help me? Someone who has more experience, a better teacher? I don't know.

It doesn't really sound like any of my classes are going to help you here. You know, I can usually tell if someone's funny in like 30 seconds of talking to them. Really? I don't feel it for me. Oh. Really? I don't feel it. You don't... But maybe I'm wrong, man. Maybe this is the... I could be that guy who you prove wrong. Yeah, man.

I'll tell you what. I am going to... I'm going to get up, you know? I'm going to keep getting up. You know, this conversation alone isn't going to stop me. All right? I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep getting up. This conversation alone isn't going to stop me. I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep trying. Where do you...

I want to come watch you perform. When's your next show? I'm playing tonight at the Comedy Corner. Comedy Corner? I'm busy tonight. I got to walk my dogs. What a shame. Are you getting up later this week? I'm busy tonight. I gotta walk my dogs. What a shame. But are you getting up later this week?

I'm just pursuing a life of jazz anyway. To be honest. Jazz? What? Yeah, I play the jazz clarinet. And big band type of thing. Oh, wow. Do you do jokes with the clarinet? No, no.

There's nothing funny about the clarinet. But for the proof, the comedy's not for you. Oh. Oh, man. All right. Okay, well... It hurts to hear it, but believe me, I'm saving you years of your life. You know, my parents think I'm funny.

Your parents think you're funny? My parents really, they really, they've been pushing me along. They made me move up here. They wanted me to pursue... I'm sorry, I'm going to set a loss for words right now. Move back to your parents. Spend the remaining years of their lives with them. Don't break their heart failing in New York.

You think so? You think that's the right move? I feel strongly about this. I really do. Alright, well, you know what? At the end of the day, I'm really happy I did make this phone call. You know, it hurts to... You need a kick in the ass sometimes.

Yeah, sometimes you just gotta get kicked in the ass. You know, and... It's very important. You get kicked in the ass, you know? This is good to be honest with you. This feels like a kick in the front, you know? Alright, man. Well, thanks a lot. I really appreciate you talking to me, man. Alright.

I'll talk to you later. I'll give you a call in a couple weeks. Bye-bye now. Bye. Eddie, what do you take from that? Not even good enough for classes, Eddie. Yikes. Not classes.

Not classes. One-on-one. One-on-one. One-on-one. One-on-one. Not good enough. Eddie, how does that make you feel right now? I'm just not good enough. 30 seconds in.

He knows after 30 seconds, too. He can tell on the part. That's how good he is. He's good at it. All right, so this is my theory. Now, Julia, he was down to set up classes with, right? Yeah, yeah. Down to set up with the girl.

The female that called. Yeah. That's true. He was, and she was a single mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking this should be like a series. Oh, where we have like different people call. Next time, we have Jackie call.

I'll call. Guarantee you it will be a very different situation. It's hard to say. He will be ready to go to set up classes. It is hard to say. We definitely just witnessed that was a breakdown. We saw that was a breakdown man. The dude was just depressed. You could tell.

Wow. I can't believe. I can't believe how mean he was. I mean that's the thing. It's like mean he was to me. I can't believe. I mean, that's the thing. It's like maybe he knows it's a prank because the idea of him teaching comedy classes is so absurd. Or I think the latter is actually the most true. I feel that that's just how he communicates with human beings. I think so.

Oh, it's definitely how he communicates with human beings. That is his angle. That's his whole life. He just shits on people so he can get eight more minutes of stage time. Oh, man. Good for him. But he is performing at the Comedy Corner tonight. Which is a fantastic one.

So we know that he's a star. Don't know. It's nice. It's a very nice little place. Good for him. Wait a minute. What the fuck was the thing about the jazz clarinet? He's playing the jazz clarinet.

He's like a little Kenny G. At Comedy Corner tonight. No, not at Comedy Corner. No, no. That's his thing on the side. He's pursuing the jazz clarinet. He's like a little Kenny G. At Comedy Corner tonight. No, not at Comedy Corner. No, no, that's his thing on the site. He's pursuing that harder. Yeah, Comedy Corner can't deal with anything like that. Those audiences are dumber than a fucking retarded Terry Shivo, who was actually really smart before she went down.

Old reference. I want to say, we didn't set that up whatsoever. If anyone thinks we set anything up with that phone call. That's really how that guy talked to me. That totally happened. That was 1,000% truth. Unbelievable. We've got to wrap up the best round table yet.

Let's just say goodbyes. I'm Ben Kissel. This has been fantastic. And we've got Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson. Unfunny Ed Larson. Never going to make it in the business Ed Larson. Unfunny Ed Larson. Never going to make it in the business, Ed Larson. I'm sorry, buddy. You're out of the group.

Ed Cupcake. In the chuckle hat, we had Henry Zabrowski. Ladies and gentlemen, good day. Have a nice commute.