The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 56: Semen and It's Many Uses
Episode Date: May 4, 2015Sperm talk! Tune in this week to hear plenty of it, including a semen-sniffing hound in Switzerland and a man who spread his defective seed around dozens of sperm banks, plus a teenager kills his pare...nts with a hammer and throws a party to celebrate his new-found freedom. Is it a coincidence that the sperm episode coincides with having James Adomian in the Chuckle Hut? We'll let you decide!
Transcript
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The round table.
Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds.
Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what?
Fire at will.
It's time for action, gentlemen.
Gentlemen of the round table.
What's the topic of discussion?
Civility, gentlemen.
Always civility.
And with that, we're ready to begin.
Alright, Jackie, I think you're praying.
Jackie's praying because she's a bitch.
Oh, man.
Dear Lord,
Lord Jesus Christ,
I want to thank you today
for hangovers.
I'm giving them a thanks today.
I'm not putting them down today because I realize
when you have a good time, you have to have an immediate bad time.
And I really want to thank him for being able to puke when you don't have to put your finger down the back of your throat.
Where it just like shoots out of your mouth so fast.
It's like, wow, the hangover is immediately gone.
But then it's not.
And then you throw up again.
And then you got to film.
And then you throw up again.
You're wearing a construction outfit.
You're sitting on the floor of the bathroom
and you say, thank God.
Thank God that I'm puking right now.
Thank God for making me feel
so bad every day.
You're so pretty.
You're doing great.
That's it.
Fuck you, God.
Whoa, you were just thanking him!
What the hell?
Good prayer!
That's a good prayer!
All right.
Fuck you, God.
Welcome to the round table of gentlemen.
Who are all these beautiful hungover people?
Ah, Jackie's brows.
You whoop, whoop.
Not bad.
Ed Larson.
Holder McNeely, I'll give you a little sneak peek on the segment today.
It's about something pretty stinky.
Poopy!
Poopy! Po stinky. Poopy! I'm
Michael J. and I'm very, very
pleased with that prayer. I love it
because I'm just hungover too. Good. Yeah.
Cheers, man. Not bad.
Because it's the daytime. Absolutely. Michael J.
sent in for the beautiful Kevin Barnett. He's out there
smashing some ladies, as he
would say. Smashing ladies.
With us in the chuckle hut, the very beautiful, the luscious, the always available, Mr. James
Adomian.
Thank you so much for being here.
I've actually just been taken, but thank you, everybody.
Whoa!
Well, that's going to foil my entire plans I had this evening.
I was really going to do some cuddling with you.
There's a clever disguise you could put on.
Oh, yeah?
To pretend to be a beau.
It's called...
That I may have met over the weekend.
Whoa, what does that mean?
Just zip yourself up and look like a Hawaiian.
Well, if I keep on eating this way, I will.
All right, I'm Ben Kissel.
With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks.
Marcus, Marcus, what do we got for us today?
We got a story out of Florida.
Yes!
Good old Florida story.
And will not surprise and Cox State.
It will not surprise you.
A Florida teen killed his parents with a hammer and stashed their bodies in a bedroom
before hosting a wild house party
for dozens of his friends.
Yeah!
See, now that's the kind of friend
I wish I had in high school.
You know, someone really willing to go out there
and kill their parents for a good time.
Yeah, man.
No one else is upset
except for his parents.
His parents look so happy in this picture
too. It's like a mugshot
from a Black Hole Sun
video.
Did anyone else
jack off to that Barbie getting
fired when the Barbie was
tripping on the grill? But the Barbie melted in the sun? No, I didn't jerk off to that.
No one jacked off to that? No, of course not.
Good to know. I'm not going to say
that I did that. The Barbie melting in the sun.
What are you talking about?
For Black Hole Sun, the music video, they had the Barbie over the grill.
Put another shrimp on the Barbie.
Literally.
Wow.
I remember that video just from Beavis and Butthead.
That's my point of reference.
That was a lady with the big red lips.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can jack off to that.
Not the Barbie.
Yeah, yeah.
Big mouth bitch.
Always jerking off to that.
I was going to say just lips.
Huh?
Never just lips.
Just jack off to a disembodied pair of lips?
Literally close up just on the...
It just turns out to be a Mick Jagger.
Yeah, that's sad.
It happens all the time.
So this kid, Tyler Hadley, he was 17.
He was arrested and charged with first degree murder after police acted on an anonymous tip-off.
They arrived at the house and found the body.
So some kid at the party was walking through the house, and the kid was like,
Hey, come here and check this out.
And he took him to his parents' bedroom, and they were just like, I mean, dead in the big bloody pile of shit.
Yeah, it was his best friend that he showed.
Was it like a Donkey Kong themed party?
He killed them both with a hammer?
Yeah. That's right, ones and twos.
That is hard to kill two people with a hammer.
Adults! Are you kidding me?
That's fucking impossible.
That kid's a superhero. It's impressive.
Son, please don't. And they just kept
doing it. Yeah, well good for him.
He should have made one of their bodies into a bong.
You know, it's like, I can smoke out of my parents now.
Yeah, fuck you, dad.
I love this weed, dad.
I always wanted to smoke weed out of a girl, but never my mother.
That's a good policy.
A real good policy.
So he wanted the parents to go on for the weekend.
We're going to have a party.
But they didn't say how many vacation plans.
Yeah, they just canceled him on Friday.
He didn't know what else to do.
Yeah, well, he had already put out the Facebook invite.
That's the thing.
And that's no shit.
He put out the Facebook invite before he killed them.
Yeah, well, you know, it's free thought.
And he said that he was, of course, possessed by the devil.
Oh, yeah.
And he had also taken three ecstasy pills
before the murder.
Really?
Yeah.
I just feel like...
Who kills on that?
Yeah, who kills on ecstasy?
That's ridiculous.
It would be pretty awesome, though.
If you're, you know,
it would be like,
rainbows are coming
out of their heads
every time they just
gushed blood from their brains.
It might make for a murder
actually to be
really pretty amazing.
You know, ecstasy
makes everything fun.
Yeah.
It's just proof.
Maybe they were making
musical notes when he hit them.
Maybe.
It's just
proof that the devil likes to party, man.
Yeah.
Did he even say why? What was
the point in doing this? I think it's literally just
for this party. It's not even a Menendez
situation where they claimed that
they were sexually harassed or anything.
He just wanted to have a party, so he killed his parents
that night. Not forward thinking.
That's the thing about teenagers. They don't look
to the future. They could have been getting the beer and shit.
Exactly.
Well, then again, maybe his dad should have just bought him beer.
Was he Mexican?
White fella.
He looks a little...
Eddie, give me a description.
He looks extremely lost
and confused.
He's got a shaved head.
He looks white. I'm going to say white.
Maybe a touch of Spanish.
If he were to talk, what would he sound like?
Daddy!
Daddy!
Daddy didn't love me.
Oh, fuck this kid.
And then, of course, he tried to commit suicide, right?
With, what was it, ten Percocets?
His plan was to commit suicide by taking ten Percocet pills once he got caught.
Not enough.
Not enough.
I would respect him.
You're just going to have a good time.
I would respect him if he tried to kill himself with the hammer, at least.
Yeah, exactly.
Take yourself out with what you killed him with.
And he's pleading not guilty.
Oh, good.
Well, you know.
Sure, why not?
James, if you had
a terrible group of parents,
I assume your parents
are wonderful,
but let's say they were terrible
and you wanted to murder them.
No, actually,
I killed my parents with,
not with a hammer,
but with like a saw.
Oh, good.
I was on ecstasy
and from experience
I can say that
once you've killed on ecstasy,
it really doesn't feel the same when you're just killing somebody.
Right, you can never get the pleasure back.
It's like when a black bear eats a human.
You know, it's a man-eater now.
It's going to smell blood no matter where it is.
Can't go back to salmon, that's for damn sure.
Not after eating Sammy the Man.
Well, that's amazing.
I would love to, I mean, yeah, that's the thing I always fantasize about.
Well, Sammy the Man?
Sammy the Man.
That was bad, though. Jackie, it doesn't matter if it's bad. I know, I just really enjoyed it. I mean, yeah, that's the thing. I always fantasize about... Well, Sammy the Man. Sammy the Man. That was bad, though.
Jackie, it doesn't matter if it's bad.
I know.
I just really enjoyed it.
I'm sorry.
It's like...
I feel like Tommy Wiseau over here.
The room maker.
One of the worst...
The filmmaker of the room.
The filmmaker.
The room maker.
A room maker might be like somewhere between a housewife and a...
It sounds like a horror designer.
Some of DSK would harass him.
Ben, if The Room Maker was a horror movie,
what would it be about?
It's just about a person who came here,
he's a first generation immigrant,
he really wants to do well for his family,
and he gets a terrible job at a holiday inn,
and then of course at 7 in the morning
he's got to go make the beds and clean up the towels
and do all the laundry and stuff,
and then go home and he has a fat wife
and a couple of terrible children.
He's The Room Maker.
He's The Room Maker.
It's probably the most horrific true life story of all time.
And he hates his wife.
I don't know how she's getting fatter.
He has less and less food on the table.
But somehow his wife is hoarding.
She's fucking hoarding all that shit and not telling him about it.
That's the thing.
I wonder why the pillows smell like cabbage.
Can't trust her.
Kill her with a hammer.
Kill her with a hammer.
Do as the good Lord says.
Che, you want to kill your parents?
How are you going to do it?
Oh, not with a hammer, man. That takes too long you might have like second thoughts and doubts
about it and shit
once you get one good whack in you don't want your pops
coming after you after you hit him with a hammer
he will murder you you got to kill him then
I couldn't kill both my parents with my bare hands
one of them is running
that's impossible
unless you lock the door and wait
until they were asleep I can't imagine how's impossible. Unless you lock the door and wait until they were asleep.
I can't imagine how you could fucking do that.
He did it in the afternoon.
So they must have been awake, up and running around.
Yeah, they had to have been.
And it said that after he killed them, he piled a bunch of furniture on them.
Just to hide them?
I guess so.
During the party, I guess.
He didn't have any rugs to sweep them under.
That's hilarious.
He figured for the party, you're going to need
that furniture, though. I guess so. That's how he
got caught. There wasn't enough seats. People started
looking for chairs. I feel like there's a nose on my head.
There are all the chairs. Oh, here they are.
Ah!
He tries to set
them up in a posturpedic position.
Sit on them. I feel like there's a
nose digging into my back. I better
take a look here. What am I sitting on?
You're going to put shades on like we're getting Bernies or some shit
like that.
Take a dancer on the bar?
Man, those guys' parents are so rad.
They take the coolest parents around.
They take them through the drive-thru
and get a whole bunch of whoppers
and shit on their credit card.
That would be amazing.
Well, it sounds like it was an alright party.
There were 60 people there.
That's a good party.
That's a good high school party.
Better than most shows here.
Better than most?
That's the grand total of the entire run of the creek.
You're from Florida.
How big is this town?
What is it called again?
I'm looking it up right now.
Alright, I'll wait.
Yeah, Florida has a lot of small towns.
This seems like a small town.
I hate this kid.
Looking it up right now is actually a medium-sized city in Florida.
Port St. Lucie.
Oh, Port St. Lucie is a good-sized town.
Oh, yeah, Port St. Lucie.
And it was a wealthier town.
You assume this guy is pretty well off.
It's right by Fort Pierce.
Yeah, Port St. Lucie is trying to become the new Boca.
Getting all high class in there.
Zero lot line houses. Four or five bedrooms, Fort St. Lucie's trying to become the new Boca. Getting all high class in there. Zero lot line houses.
Four or five bedrooms, two stories.
Not bad.
And a real estate agent.
Yeah, exactly.
I just buy a house.
It's actually just south, south, south Williamsburg.
So we're really going to start jacking up the prices.
Coming neighborhood.
Ed Larson in The Room Maker 2.
He's totally The Room Maker.
He has to sell the room.
But isn't this the number one fear of having children
that they inevitably end up turning on you and killing you?
Sure.
I think it's the number two fear.
The number one fear is actually that they die in front of you, I think.
So would you rather have your kid die in front of you
or get bludgeoned by a hammer by your son?
I would kill my kid if he ever came out with a hammer.
Right.
So that's mutually
assured destruction.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have a nice cold war
going with your progeny.
That's the thing.
It's obvious these parents
had no ground rules
for proper behavior.
If his dad was just like,
hey, what are you doing?
It's like,
you need to discipline.
You need to have that kid
put that hammer down
before he hits you
in the head with it.
He had 60 people
at his fucking party
and the kid's
a pretty well-adjusted kid.
He's popular.
It's not like he's one of them Columbine killers.
He had no friends.
No one talked to him.
They had plenty of friends.
Well, I got there with 10 of them.
Weirdos.
Yeah, all weirdos.
I mean, 60 fucking people.
I couldn't throw a party for 60 people.
You didn't even kill your parents.
I wouldn't.
This is a really weird quote.
By the way, he killed him with a 22-inch framing hammer.
Was he born with a hammer in his fist?
Was he Thor?
He should have seen it coming.
Was he born from his father's skull?
He said that he struck his parents in the head and torso.
Okay.
And then he used books, files, and towels to cover their bodies.
So I guess not necessarily furniture.
Files? Files.
Why would he just bury them or a blanket?
There is one thing that you put
under the couch. Put them under the bed.
Trash bag. Perfect.
This is a really weird quote.
This is from the kid who turned him in.
His best friend. His name is Mandel.
Whatever. Snitch. Vote Mandel.
Yeah, exactly. Not a very good friend if you ask me.
Mandel, said Tyler, told
him he thought, quote, the devil possessed
him, end quote. He said the Hadleys
were having financial problems and
according to Mandel, that along
with rap music and fights with his parents
influenced his actions. They're going to blame rap
music on this one?
Wow. How are we still
blaming rap music? I just cannot
believe that. Rap music,
it never, I don't remember one
lyric, unless his parents were police officers
or he was somehow in the basement while all of his
friends were having sex with other people, there
is no way that rap music will ever
inspire someone to kill a parent. It was
Hammer Time. Oh, that's the thing.
He was just like, too legit to quit really was hammer time. Oh, that's the thing. He was just like, too legit to
quit really bizarre and wrong.
Oh, that's perfect.
Good. Nice.
Good job, James.
We got a regular Sammy the man
over here. Sammy the man. I want to
eat him up. I just
wonder if any of the friends had sex
in the bedroom where the bodies were and didn't realize
they were there.
It feels like you have four there? Oh, Hank!
It feels like you have four hands right now, Hank. And just slapping her
ass with a dead man's hand.
Hey, Susie, I always wouldn't have sex
on top of files.
Oh, there's dead bodies too?
Awesome! Yeah!
2008 state income tax
receipts.
Always makes me crumb so hard, baby.
But this kid, Mandel, it's like
he's in his 40s. Here's another
quote. It said, I feel like this kid
that I've known all my life, I don't know him.
His family was my family. They were very good
people. I really don't see any motive
besides drugs.
Drugs and rap music cannot be
I'm surprised they're not blaming Grand Theft Auto
or, you know, what do you call that?
That Green Day Kerplunk album.
Remember that?
Millions of people take ecstasy every day
and they don't kill their parents with a fucking hammer.
This kid's fucked up.
If he wasn't on ecstasy, he would have killed them with a hammer.
If he was my best friend
and he was talking about wanting to kill his parents,
I'd be like, man, take this ecstasy.
You're not going to want to do it.
And then sure enough, I'm at the most amazing party of the summer.
I should be honest and blame the Beatles.
That's a good point.
Maxwell Silverhammer.
Yeah, okay.
I got the...
It's so good.
That song was about heroin.
Oh, really?
Which one is that one?
Maxwell Silverhammer.
It was? Really? Yeah. I did not that one? Maxwell Silverhammer. It was?
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I did not know that.
I knew it.
And how?
In what way is it about it?
Maxwell Silverhammer.
Came down.
In the down.
In his veins.
You're singing it and miming heroin.
Yeah.
It's in the connection.
You're doing both terribly.
Hey, Jude's about heroin, right?
Is it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is it?
Hey, Jude's about heroin. All right, just don't tell me Eleanor Rigby's about heroin, right? Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey Jude's about heroin.
All right, just don't tell me Eleanor Rigby's about heroin.
Put it in your arm and it makes you feel better, isn't it?
Is every fucking Beatles song about heroin?
Is my mind being blown right now?
All You Need Is Love is about cocaine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All You Need Is Cocaine.
And they just changed the lyrics for love.
Because America wasn't ready for the fucking Beatles, bro.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh my goodness.
I feel like this is why
Amy Winehouse died.
She probably interpreted
every Beatles song
this exact same way.
I'm glad she died.
Oh, fuck Amy Winehouse.
By the way,
I'm with you, Jackie.
Fuck Amy Winehouse.
And I hate that people are like,
oh, the 27 curse.
First of all,
the curse is completely
out of your control.
Heroin is in your control.
Second of all,
Jimi Hendrix,
Kurt Cobain,
fucking, uh... Janis Jop, fucking Janis Joplin.
Actual artist? She's not in the list.
She's not in the same pad.
You can't just do Heroin and Die at 27 and be like,
I must have been one of the greats. You didn't do anything.
According to the
reports, she was on a week or
two week long bender. It's almost
like she was just trying to join the club.
I'm one of them.
I belong here.
You can tell.
Her birthday's next week.
That's the thing.
I mean, who had more desperate
need for friends?
The guy who killed his family
or the chick who killed herself?
Yeah.
Amy Winehouse probably wanted,
she was like,
I can see the headlines now.
You know,
she fucking sucks.
I'm so happy she's dead.
Yeah,
I thought she was that young.
That album was pretty good, though.
That one album was decent.
That one that she had. That was a good album. I liked that album. But that's it, though. I thought she was that young. That album was pretty good, though. That one album was decent. That one that she had.
That was a good album.
I liked that album.
But that's it.
You can't ride it forever.
No, you can't.
You can't.
Obviously not.
Holden, you're a music aficionado.
Where do you put
Namy Winehouse?
It's just not a classic,
you know,
it's not a classic
fucking album, you know?
It's just a good album.
It's a good,
it was fine, it was good.
It's like as good as
Marcy Playground.
It's not as good as
Sharon Gray.
I Spilled Sex and Candy
was a good goddamn song, man.
And it was like, yes, I do too.
And that was because I was jacking off with candy.
I was actually just using candy to jack off.
But nonetheless.
Nougat?
Yeah, Snickers.
I Smell Sex and Snickers, really.
You know who's good?
Bob Dylan's a good one.
God's Still Alive.
Yeah.
All of his songs are about heroin.
Did he die in the 27 Club
and come back to life or something?
Can we all agree, though, that Amy Winehouse
is unattractive as well?
I'm so sick of people trying to force
her attraction down my throat.
Lady Gaga's ugly.
I totally would fucking shit plant both of them.
Well, I don't know what that means.
Are you a pro wrestler? Is it a pile driver?
Is it a head?
You put their face into cement and you fuck them in the ass. Well, I don't know what that means. Are you a pro wrestler? Is it a pile driver? Is it a head? You put their face into cement
and you fuck them in the ass. Oh, yeah.
Is that a chip plant?
Well, I didn't know that existed.
Does everyone
know what chip plant is?
I'm sorry I made it up.
So they die from it. I just pictured
that guy chip planting that chick on the files.
Baby, I'm going to
chip plant you on these two dead bodies, baby.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, he's on a shit-planting date.
I don't like it.
What do you think, Jay?
What do you think about these chicks?
Amy Winehouse, yeah, but no.
But Lady Gaga, I'd fuck Lady Gaga, absolutely.
I'm not talking about the fucking fucker.
We've all fucked very unattractive beast women.
Oh, alright.
I've only
fucked unattractive beast women.
That's right, James. That's the thing.
Now, James, you're a gay fella. You enjoy all of that.
Sure, sure.
Have you been with ladies in the past?
Do you ever get with very attractive ones
or do they tend to be more of the Ben Kissel
brand of beef?
No, no. I guess they're like hot girls on paper, but to me they were just like beasts of the wild.
They had nothing going for them.
It was always drugs involved, so it might as well be Amy Winehouse.
I love it.
I thank you, James, because it's men like you that lead
very attractive women to us.
Because they're like, all the pretty ones are gay, so I'm just gonna go
with the fat, ugly one. No, he's not.
At the very least, I know he's gonna have a boner for me.
There's a reason we come up once in a while.
Yeah. That's very interesting,
though, because I would think if a gay guy
liked guys, right, and guys make
ugly women, that gay guys, if they fucked a woman,
it'd be an ugly woman. Hubba, hubba, hubba. It makes sense, right? And guys make ugly women. And gay guys, if they fucked a woman, it'd be an ugly woman.
Hubba hubba hubba.
It makes sense, no?
I don't understand the logic, to be honest.
What's the logic again?
Let's say I like guys, right?
Okay, so you like guys. You're a huge gay
wad. Taxi.
If I'm gonna date a...
If I'm gonna fuck a woman, right?
But we're clarifying. Michael Che likes men.
Alright, let's say... Michael Che, just say I like men
So Michael, you're saying you like men
As a black man
You like men
If I like men
If he likes men, we got that
We can cut the if off of there
We can post it Is it nice there. Oh, yeah. We can get that in post.
Dude, I was ahead of you like 10 minutes ago.
Good, good, good.
All right, Michael, continue about how you like men.
You guys are all getting a very nasty letter on Facebook about this.
I really don't appreciate it.
I'm throwing a party this weekend, guys.
Come on.
60 of my closest friends and a hammer.
No, I'm just saying, I would want a big, hairy woman, I would think.
A mannish woman.
Yeah.
Great, great.
If I went to prison and I had to fuck a guy, I want the little petite guy with...
I don't want to fucking...
Go on.
So let's say you're in prison and you find your little petite Pedro.
What do you want to do with him when you go back to the bunker?
Shit plan him.
I'm not saying I want to do this.
No, but if you would want to.
If you had to.
That's what they call his cell, the bunker.
Michael Chase bunker.
Everyone gets fucked.
You heard about Santos?
They sent him down to the bunker.
Not the bunker!
Why did you get the bunker?
He stole a fork.
All right, Chase, so you're fucking Pedro in the bunker.
No, I'm not!
No, I wouldn't do that No I wouldn't do that I wouldn't do that
I'm just saying
If it's him or me
And we have to make a plan
If you're him
It's okay if you do
It's not now man
It's okay if you do
You just spare yourself
The grief if you don't
Tell anybody about it
That's the thing
That's the clever trick
Yeah
All those prison romances
Stay in prison
That's the thing
Sometimes
Not all the time
Dude somebody look up Their old prison lover when they get out?
Okay prison?
Is there like an okay prison site?
I'm looking to be sent to a prison where I can meet someone that I can spend the next five to ten years with.
Or three to eight, depending on good behavior.
But I want him to be bad.
I'm attracted to bad boys.
I have a life sentence. I'm looking for a
long-term relationship. Anything?
That's good, Michael. Was that awful?
No. No, it was great.
I still want it. I'm out of laughs, so.
Yeah, I just
want to... Fuck all of yous, okay? I don't
need this shit. You want to fuck us now?
Oh my gosh. A bunch
of men. Equally.
If it's you or me.
I'm saying.
All right.
Shay, hot seat.
We're in prison.
Marcus is there for some sort of.
Marcus is the one everybody fucks, right?
Of course.
Oh, God.
Dude, if I'm going to prison, I'm fucking doing.
I'm following Edward Norton's example in 25th Hour.
And I'm going to have Ben beat the fuck out of me before I go in prison.
I thought you were going to have me stretch out your asshole.
Because that's really...
That's how he prepared for that part.
Ben, I can do that on my own.
I don't need your help for that.
Get this guy in you.
Marcus looked real good in a little polka dot dress.
Yeah, I would.
That's the thing.
Oh, man.
I just know if I...
Going to prison is my worst fear.
Because I know I'd be the guy where they knocked out all my teeth so it slides better.
I know I'd be like, that's a nightmare.
Is this an actual thing, Michael?
You know about prison.
Is that what happens?
All right.
As a black man, you know about prison.
No, it's relatives in prison.
I mean, not just the judges.
I have heard that they make you wear pool chalk on your eyes for eye shadow.
What do they make you do?
Pool chalk.
Oh, really?
And Kool-Aid on your lips.
That's hot.
Why do they just make them all look like Amy Winehouse?
That's what I've heard.
That's what I've heard.
I've never been.
It sounds very attractive.
I've heard about like cutting like dudes cutting like slits in the armpits and then like fucking
the armpits.
What?
No way.
That's less gay than a butthole?
I suppose so.
That's crazy.
And better, I guess closer to a vagina than a butthole? I suppose so. That's crazy.
I guess closer to a vagina.
I bet it feels pretty good, though. Because a vagina is more vertical.
Yeah, vertical.
And a butthole is cylindrical.
Remember when you used to say
Asians were sideways?
Everyone heard that.
I still say it.
I've heard that. It's not true. Yeah, it's not true at all. I want heard that.
It's not true.
Yeah, it's not true at all.
I want to know.
I've never had sex with an Asian.
Too racist.
Never been with an Asian.
Oh, I had sex with an Asian once.
It was really fantastic.
He was on a bathroom floor.
Of course.
That's where you find him.
Yeah, exactly.
You just look down.
All of a sudden, one's there, and you have sex with him.
Marcus, what other news story you got for us, buddy?
Alright, here's one thing that I got.
Staying on the same topic of sperm and rape,
Sweden has its very own sperm-sniffing dog.
It's named Rapport Opus.
There's a dog that likes sniffing crotches?
Yeah, he recently helped police catch an alleged rapist.
Oh, wow.
Really?
Yeah.
Rapport Opus trained for a year to become the only sperm-sniffing dog in southern Sweden,
which I think is funny because that implies that there's a sperm-sniffing dog in northern Sweden.
A whole series of them.
There's sperm-sniffing wolves up there.
room sniffing wolves up there.
He was brought
to a park where a man had been accused of
forcing a woman to perform oral sex on
him. There, the dog found traces of
semen, which were matched with a 23-year-old
suspect's DNA.
Wow, so what if that dog just went around and
started barking at all the chicks
that that guy had raped? That would be pretty amazing.
Yeah, just ran up to their crotches.
I mean, just a funny
vision pops into my head of a guy just like
beating off of the bathroom and just like right
when he fucking comes, a dog
just like grabs the
stream and the stream like
Beethoven's saliva.
It's like, ah, what a weird
point.
And ever since then, I haven't not been able to come to a dog.
All I do is now come with dogs.
A dog probably walks around with just a mouth full of balled up tissues.
I mean, I just feel so bad for the dog.
It's obviously a smart dog.
It's got a good snout, a good brain.
There's bomb-sniffing dogs in Wall Street.
There were terrorist dogs for the TSA.
And this guy is on jizz duty.
That's just such a shitty role
for the dog.
I'm brilliant, and I'm on cum
duty? Why do I have to touch all these
gross dicks?
I feel like Michael Trey in prison.
I thought it was rough having a kennel job.
The dog's owner is going to testify at the trial
And it will be the first time evidence discovered by the dog will be used in court
I just wish the dog would testify
So bad
The dog has like a private citizen owner?
No, the trainer is of the Swedish police department
Okay, so it's not like
It's not just some dude with a hobby.
That would be a pretty bizarre one.
Swedish police, for some reason,
sounds like fake police.
Yeah.
It totally does.
I feel like you put Swedish in front of anything,
it then sounds fake.
It's because of the Swedish chef, definitely.
Or Swedish fish.
Yeah, Swedish fish.
Not real fish.
They're gummies!
Yeah.
The Swedish police sounds like the euphemism
for, like, getting a blowjob
from a dog.
Time to get the Swedish police out.
Oh, that's amazing.
So they found the cum
in the forest.
The woman was obviously spitting.
They found the cum in the forest.
I just pictured this dog
like the dog version of a
Carmen Sandiego over here.
What was the Sherlock Holmes version of the dog?
What was the name?
Sherlock...
The Hound of the Baskervilles?
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I think the dog looks like, but looking for cum.
Hoop!
Hoop!
He found it.
He's on the trail, Holmes!
He's on the cum trail.
Eddie, give me a description of this dog.
Alright, so this dog's sniffing around in the woods, and it looks like he's off to the side of the road just looking for truffles.
Right.
Imagine he finds a pair of needles.
He's a German shepherd.
He's in the bushes.
He's in a bush looking for a cump.
Everybody goes when they're looking for a little cump.
Oh, man.
I've never cumped in a bush.
I've never raped a woman either, so I don't know.
Well, I'd imagine he probably came in her mouth and then she spit it out. She didn't love him.
She never loved him. If she swallows,
it's not spit. It's not rape.
That's probably true. I bet you a defense
lawyer could make that argument. Nah, nah. She
swallowed, Your Honor. You understand, right?
Oh, cool. That's how Kobe got off.
Exactly. Jackie, what are you going to do?
I mean, I imagine if you're
raping a woman in her mouth, I would
jam the dick so far back her throat that she's not able to spit it out.
Like, it immediately goes right down your throat.
Why doesn't she just bite the fucker then?
Because then he's going to beat the shit out of her.
But can't you just bite through it?
He's over him.
You can probably bite down, and then he's going to fucking kill you.
So it's like, either get raped in my mouth or get killed.
If the dude gets his dick bitten off, he's going to fucking fall on the ground and hold
his cross and start screaming.
He's already raped, though.
The thing is, I don't know if you can get to bite it off.
I don't know how.
It can't be that easy to bite off a cow.
Jackie, bite it off.
If it happens to you, bite it off.
Well, I'm going to try, definitely.
But the thing is, it's like the shock.
And also, it's slipping out of your mouth.
You've got so much saliva in your mouth.
What if you miss and then you tried to bite it off and then you didn't bite it off?
Yeah, and then you chip a tooth and then you're ugly for the rest of your life.
So you're raped and ugly.
And then you just have to continue to get raped and that's the only way a man will love you.
Exactly.
Maybe this chick was just like ultra competitive.
She was just like, my reputation's on the line.
I can't give this a bad blowjob.
If you're going to do it, play to win.
You're in the game already
So did this Huckleberry Hound
Find the criminal?
Oh no
They already had evidence
Against the guy
This is that
Like they had
This didn't clinch the case?
Well no
They had
The evidence they had before
Is they had
Medical evidence
Like medical evidence
Of the guy
Like they had arrested the guy
They had like evidence
That matched like the woman Like scratching him That was it medical evidence of the guy. They had arrested the guy. They had evidence that matched
the woman scratching him.
That was it. Someone
overheard him doing it.
What? How do you overhear that?
I guess like,
sucking my dick in.
Oh, good accent.
That was a good accent.
Yeah, Vosin sucking my dick in.
And then
they had the dog go out and the dog found the sperm.
And that was like, that kind of sealed the case.
And I would have got away with it if it wasn't for that meddling dog.
That's totally perfect.
And the guy whips his face off, and he runs the carnival.
Sealed the case, and also sealed an envelope.
Hey, not bad.
That's pretty good, yeah.
British Spice, you're getting better at this.
If we have dogs like this,
can we have dogs that go around
like St. Bernard's with
those canisters of cum in there?
What possible purpose would that serve?
People were desperate for it.
Yeah, they just give it to you.
Well, you're like so wrong.
This is what happens
when James gets rich.
He's going to get a St. Bernard
with a barrel under his neck
full of cum.
Barrels of cum.
That's the thing.
I could be in my Swiss retreat.
Okay, well, I wonder this.
Among gay gentlemen,
is that just like an intense need
for a cum?
No, no.
It's part of the process, baby.
Okay, okay. So if there's just like a gay St. Bernard going around with a cum? No, no. It's part of the process, baby. Okay, okay.
So if there's just a gay St. Bernard
going around with a big barrel full of cum...
Oh no, if I don't get cum
at least once a week, I start to shut down
as a biological creature.
Think of gays like vampires.
Vampires need blood.
James is 112 years old.
That's the thing.
Hey, what keeps you so young?
I got the St. Bernard.
Nothing but cum. He just always
finds me cum. Oh, man, that's the best vampire,
man. It's amazing.
The real cum sucker. The cum buyer.
Just makes you cum all the time.
Fine. That would be amazing.
Much better than wanting the blood.
What's that? Go ahead.
Oh, no, I just pictured the dog, you know,
not sure if the man's cum was
his cum, so he just put his mouth on the guy's dick
and then the guy came into the dog's mouth and he said
not it. You know, something like that.
Oh, not it!
Nope, not it!
Well, saying
in the world of sperm,
a teenager
inherited a ticking time bomb
in his chest from a
sperm donor father who failed to inform
sperm banks that he had a rare and often
fatal genetic heart defect as well
as the inherited condition Marfan syndrome.
The man fathered at least 24
children through three sperm banks.
What's so wrong with this though?
Because isn't that just, if it was his father in real
life anyway, he would have the same thing.
But when people are buying cum to make babies, they want to buy nice, juicy cum.
They got to hire that dog to get the good cum.
That dog probably would have been able to sniff out the weak lung cum.
That's right.
This dog needs to be working in the sperm bank.
Fuck the fucking Swedish place.
It would go mad.
Are you kidding?
That's the thing.
Where does a dog go in a cum bank that only sniffs?
I think he just stands completely still.
I don't know where to go.
I don't know where to go.
Even in the Gravitron, you just can't
move at all. It just like
pierce back. You think if you
came on that dog's tail, it would just run
around and circle?
That would be the meanest thing of all time.
That's such a great joke with the cops
play on the dog.
Yo, O'Reilly, your turn to come on the dog's tail.
I don't want to do it.
You do it, O'Reilly.
It's fucking funny, O'Reilly.
Even in Sweden, they sound like New York cops.
I can't do it when you're watching.
Everyone's watching.
Everyone's.
Yo, get in here, chef.
Everyone's watching.
Everyone's watching! Everyone's... Yo, get in here, chef!
Everyone's watching!
You know what I didn't know
is that rules at sperm banks
are apparently very willy-nilly.
Willy-nilly!
Willy-nilly!
That's the term for it, yeah.
Like, the number one rule is
take off your shoes, and the number two is
willy-nilly.
Willy-nilly.
Your sperm will end up
in the bank.
Advocates say the case highlights
the need for America to start regulating
the fertility industry more tightly
and create a national registry. There's a
man who's the founder of the Donor Sibling Registry.
He says, quote, there are no
rules or regulations about donor identification,
testing donors, monitoring
numbers of children or medical records.
No one is watching.
There are no laws.
They don't keep track.
It's just ridiculous because to give your eggs, you have to go through fucking hell.
You get 10 grand.
You do.
But if you have any cancer in your immediate family at all or if you are fat in any way, shape, or form or if you're Jewish, you can't give your eggs at all or like if you are fat in any way shape or form or if you're Jewish
you can't give your eggs
at all. You have
to go to a specific egg
donor if you're Jewish.
That is not true.
They have specific places
for them. I do think that's true.
They have specific places for them.
Jews are all genetically fucked up
for some reason.
Last year when I was in the hospital for my hernia They have specific places where that proves it's not true. Because Jews are all genetically fucked up for some reason. That's insane.
Last year when I was in the hospital for my hernia, they kept asking me if I was Jewish or not.
I'm like, I'm not.
Stop asking me.
Well, were they worried about an awfully violent reaction?
Just imagine the doctor had this huge slab of bacon.
He's like, we're going to put it inside of this, dude.
We should ask if he's Jewish or not, though.
Just for fun.
All right.
Don't bring in the bottom feeder IV.
I will say, the first guy who started
a sperm bank, brilliant. What a brilliant man.
Just jacking off, came in his head.
How do you know it was a man?
J.P. Morgan. J.P. Morgan Chase.
J.P. Morgan founded the first sperm bank.
White gold.
Exactly. White gold.
Why am I just giving this to a napkin for nothing?
I'm selling it.
That's an insane idea.
The commodity of the future is the human cum.
Buy, sell, buy, sell.
I'm surprised they weren't advertising on the Glenn Beck show.
Just gold line and cum.
Purchase gold now.
Are you a man?
Do you like to cum?
You could be making millions of dollars
and don't even know it
you're sitting on
a gold mine of balls
what about that
what's that
mad cum
they have like
mad cum
the mad money
yeah they just
trade cum
on the fucking show
what's that guy
Kramer guy
yeah yeah yeah
hot just slinging
at everybody
so is there like
are there Jewish
you said you can't be Jewish
so like is there like
a Hebrew
national sperm bank?
It's a hot dog.
It's a hot dog egg bank.
We also run a charity that's a sperm bank.
Yeah, there is.
The sperm banks, there's not like, I don't even know how it works.
Oh my goodness.
It's all anonymous.
So does a woman just go in and just like roll the fucking dice?
Say like, I'll take that one.
No, they give whole profiles.
They give names and everything.
It's not anonymous. It's only anonymous to the children, right?
Yeah, I just picture
a Jewish sperm bank. They're carrying
the cylinder full of cum and it has the locks
on the side of it. You know, like the
Jewish girls. That'd be kind of cute.
Oh, those kind of locks.
Those kind of locks.
Yeah, that's what you meant. I was thinking locks. Those kind of locks. Like chesty belts.
I was thinking of a nice good salmon.
Locks.
On a bagel.
On a bagel with cream cheese and onion.
I had one this morning.
It was amazing.
I was just thinking about a different breakfast thing
for the name of this egg bank.
Lego my Eggo.
Yeah!
Spreggo My Leggos.
While we're on the subject of Jews,
the bones of Adolf Hitler's deputy, Rudolf Hess,
have been removed from their grave
in a small Bavarian town
after it became a pilgrimage site for neo-Nazis.
Well, they were able to find it.
So why did they take his bones out of the ground? Because neo-Nazis. Fine! Well, they were able to find it. So why did they take his bones out of the ground?
Because neo-Nazis were going and making pilgrimages to the place,
so they dug up his bones, burned them, and threw them in a lake.
Rudolph has how they found him.
His nose was so red.
That's a new Nazi, right?
A neo-Nazi is a new Nazi, right?
Yeah.
So they went and they got one of the top Nazis,
and they dug up his bones.
They burned his bones.
No, Bavaria did.
Bavaria? Yeah, Bavaria is the country where he was buried.
I think my joke got lost.
That's like a state in Germany.
Is it now? Okay, good. I'm glad you're here,
Mr. Geography. Saving my ass.
I did go to the Geography Bee twice.
I went once.
The National Geographic Geography Bee?
No, no, no. St. Joan of Arc Catholic School.
Not that one.
So how'd they find Rudolph Hess' body?
Oh, it must have been
because he had that big red nose.
He said that joke like three minutes ago.
I know, but then Eddie talked over it so I had to make sure that it didn't get lost. Yeah, it really hit good. He had that joke like three minutes ago I know but then Eddie talked over it
So I had to make sure that it didn't get lost
Yeah it really hit good
Timing
Holy lord beautiful fat ass right outside of our window ladies and gentlemen
This girl has been upskirting us
This entire show
She ain't got a whole lot of panties on
How much different
I got a feeling we're going to go here
Underneath
A vaginal show off place Yeah How much different I got a feeling We're going to go here Underneath An ass
A vaginal
Show off place
Yeah
Why do you think
We chose the runway
I'm going to get in trouble
I'm going to get a little grabby
After this
Grabby
I'm going to get a little grabby
At my big fat gypsy wedding
That's a thing
The gypsy
Watch my big fat gypsy wedding
We'll talk about it
Grabbing
It's a picture on Bravo
Grabbing is just something
The gypsy community does
Community does Where men just go up to women
and grab them
and force them
to give them a kiss
and women are just like
oh it's going to be wild tonight
you know
there's going to be
a lot of grabbers out there
so you've got to be safe.
That's great.
I think that sounds fun.
I know you do.
So I'm a grabber?
You will be.
Is that why Gypsies
are forced to travel
from community to community?
Dude, they are forced
to leave wherever they're at
because they are disgusting people. God, I hate fucking Gypsies so much. You've got to community. Dude, they are forced to leave wherever they're at because they are disgusting people.
God, I hate fucking gypsies so much.
You gotta watch the show, Eddie.
You'll love it.
It's an easy minority to hate.
Oh, man.
Have you ever fucking dealt with them?
I've never met a gypsy.
I don't know what they are.
Yeah, I don't know.
They blend right in, but they dress super slutty.
Work real late in the village,
and you'll fucking deal with some gypsies.
They're the worst people.
If gypsy women would dress like gypsy men, you would fuck every single gypsy dude.
Like, you would love it, Michael.
Gypsy men are always dressed in horrible suits.
Oh, and they're always trying to do all these money exchanges with you.
You're those pieces of shit.
It's all chocolate inside of their code.
Yeah, gypsies, they're tricksters.
They are tricksters.
They're good people.
Is that something you're born into, or do you convert later?
You're born into it.
It's like they're from Romanians.
They're called the Roma.
And they're like an ancient people from Eastern Europe.
Well, you're Armenian, right?
It's nothing like gypsies.
Is it not?
No.
Can it be?
Yeah, for the sake of the bit.
Sure, I'm a gypsy.
So are you Armenian and Irish or something?
I mean, what's the deal?
No, no, I just look Irish because when you mix a tiny bit of Armenian with, like, Anglo-Saxon,
it just curls your hair up and turns it red.
Oh, interesting.
Armenians are my favorite.
It's like when you put a recipe you got.
It's like when you put a house on the Wicked Witch of the West, her shoes.
It just kind of curls right up. It's kind of like a recipe for fake Wicked Witch of the West. Her shoes. It curls right up.
It's kind of like a recipe for fake Irish.
The Armenians are my favorite people
in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
They're my favorite group in that movie.
My soul's prepared.
How's yours?
Oh yeah.
With the tattoos and everything.
I love that shit.
We haven't hit upon a segue, but we're running out of time,
so we got a segment from Holden McNeely.
Oh, this segment presented by Sammy the Man.
It's called, oh, oopsie-doo, did you boo-boo?
Ooh, did you boo-boo?
Oh, no.
I love this title.
Sammy the Man.
Yeah, yeah, he's doing good.
Oh, cool.
Sammy, Sammy was like, hey, hey, how's Ben Kessel?
And then he blows up a stream. He's swimming. He's doing good. Oh, cool. Sammy, Sammy was like, hey, hey, how's Ben Kessel? And then he blows up the stream.
He's swimming.
He's doing good.
Are we talking about different Sams?
Yeah, yeah.
We're talking about Sammy the Man.
I'm talking about Sam from a couple weeks ago.
Oh, no.
All right, guys.
We got like 10 minutes.
We got to go.
All right, all right, all right.
Wrap it up.
We're on the final 10.
Sammy the Man's a bad fish joke.
The salmon joke. The salmon joke was amazing, by the way. I're in the final ten. Salmon Man's a bad fish joke. The salmon joke.
The salmon joke was amazing, by the way.
I loved it.
A lot of salmon talk in this show.
So when did you poop your pants?
Oh, I'll tell you when I did.
Can it be pee-pee too?
Yeah, it can be pee-pee too.
Poop or pee-pee.
Or vomit. If you vomit in your pants, you can tell it's sore too. Oh, fantastic.
Freshman year, I was dead sober.
We had bad food at the cafeteria.
We had a cafeteria at our dorm.
And I ate a burger and it tasted weird and bad.
And as I was walking back, it was a little tough for me.
So you gotta give me a second.
As I was walking back to my dorm style apartment. I just needed to fart.
And I
shit. Oh!
Bad! You're gonna sneeze.
And I shit bad in my pants.
And then I ran back. I ran back.
I just threw everything down the bathroom floor.
Jumped in the shower.
It was awful, man.
It smelled bad.
Oh, it smelled so bad.
My fucking shit was everywhere.
I fucking rubbed it all over
the walls. Yeah, you gotta do that.
You gotta make a little butterfly. If you ever get a chance
to shit in the shower, please do.
And shit on the wall, and it really
looks like a butterfly. Like if you press your butt
up against it. Exactly. It's fun. I make a big one.
A big butterfly.
Jay, what about you?
You can rinse it away and watch the butterflies flutter
into eternity. Why do you look so
disgusted? Have you never shit yourself?
Not in recent memory.
It's bad, man.
Really?
It's bad.
I've
peed myself
drunk one time.
What happened was one time. Just once?
Well, one time I can remember I was at a party.
I was really drunk.
I feel like he wasn't drunk.
He just peed so much.
He's like, I feel drunk.
No, no, I was drunk.
I was fucking drunk, and I felt like I was going to vomit.
So I ran to the bathroom, and I opened the door, and I got on my knees,
and I put my head in the toilet bowl, and I was trying to vomit, and I was trying so hard that I started my head in the toilet bowl and I was trying to vomit and I was
trying so hard that I started peeing
all over myself and I couldn't get up.
It's at a party too, so now I
had to find out a way to get out the party.
Towels.
Everybody kind of knew. You know when you're fucked
up like that, everybody knows.
You think no one knows.
Everybody fucking knows and they seen me and they're like,
you've got to get this guy out of here.
Jay pissed himself again.
He does it all the time.
He did that thing he does.
I'm about to piss myself right now,
but I pee myself all the time. I just did it in
Mara's apartment recently and I used to pee all
over the place. One of the worst memories I have
is when I was in 6th grade. I was in this
baseball league there in 6th grade and I peed in the back of the worst memories I have is when I was in 6th grade. I was in this baseball league there in 6th grade.
I peed in the back of the coach's van on the way back from the game.
I just pissed all over the seats because I was too afraid to ask him to stop.
Then I just never went back to practice.
I never saw him again.
It made my mother return the clothes.
So that's it.
It's just humiliating.
The man dropped me off. Then I just... The man, like,
you dropped me off and then he must have been like,
oh, it smells like piss
and he must have, like,
cleaned up my urine
and I just peed so much.
It was devastating.
What about you, James?
Huh?
What was your last time?
Pee or pee-poo?
Pee or poo-poo?
Whichever.
Pee-poo-poo.
I have...
I mean,
are we just slight amounts?
Slight amounts?
No, just like,
just normal maintenance.
Well, we've all got... We've all got... We just like normal maintenance. Well, we've all got slips.
Yeah, we're talking like full on.
I mean, it could be when you're five.
I mean, that story.
I'd like to hear that story, too.
I was actually.
Share with us, brother.
No, I guess I was in first grade And I had to
I was too embarrassed to ask to go to the bathroom
So I just peed my pants
And I had to go in front of all the kids
And go get new pants
That they have emergency pants
Like in elementary school
I'm glad they had emergency pants
At least they didn't make me go home naked
Or go about my day.
In a burlap sack.
I wonder if your parents had to pay for those emergency pants.
Yeah, it was probably added to the tab.
Well, as if they weren't paying enough in taxes, right?
Jackie.
I was told later on that I did this.
I don't really remember it.
I went into my roommate's room my sophomore year of college,
and he was in bed, and I told him I had to go to the bathroom.
The bathroom was right by his bedroom.
So instead, I just went into the closet and pissed myself.
But I didn't take down my pants.
I just pissed all over myself.
Didn't get any of his clothes, though.
So he didn't care. So he really
just watched me do it and made fun of me.
So that was fine. He just did it
just so he could make fun of me later on.
That's hilarious. I love it.
I don't know if I told the story
on this show or the other. Am I the only fucking person
who shit himself? No, mine's coming up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got two
shit stories. So the one I want to tell
Did I ever say the one about me, peewee football?
Yes.
All right, yeah, all right, yeah.
So I'm not going to tell that one.
But one day at work, and BW3 is in Tallahassee.
I remember I walked in, and I was having a tough time, drank really hard until like 5 in the morning.
I walked into work, and I saw one of the guys I was working with. This little black
kid. He was hilarious. No one could understand him but me.
He had a horrible, down-ass accent.
And I walk in and I thought
I was going to fart. I shit.
And I just looked at him and I go,
oh no. And he's like, what happened?
And I was like, don't worry about it.
I went and I just went to the bathroom.
I love you
were able to maintain control of the situation.
No, I just went to the bathroom and threw my shitty underwear in the trash.
I worked an eight-hour day with fucking no underwear in a hot Tallahassee kitchen.
God.
That was fucking disgusting.
That's fine.
But do you ever notice if you don't wear underwear with pants,
how sometimes the seams of your pants will hit your balls and stuff in a weird way?
I hate it, man. I don't like it. I have to wear underwear. I don't go commando. I can't do it. I don't wear underwear with pants how like the sometimes like the seams of your pants will like hit your balls and stuff i hate it man i don't like it i have to wear underwear i don't go
commando i can't do it it's too much it can be dangerous a little bit yeah yeah yeah yeah it can
definitely be dangerous you can zip your cock up right in a zipper great memory my old my middle
brother chris got his dick stuck in his zipper and my dad i had to like like grab the top of his
cock and like pull down the zipper.
It was amazing.
It was one of those moments in hindsight where you're just like,
God, just being a dad puts you in a whole series of different situations. Hold on here.
I've got it.
He literally had to man up and be like, all right, all right.
I saw him turn around and face Chris.
He's like, oh, man.
Jesus.
He was really in there.
Just put a wooden spoon in his mouth and say, go.
Yeah.
It really hurt him. It really hurt Chris a lot. Did you poo-poo, Marcus?
Oh, I poo-pooed.
How was it? I was working at a
daycare in college. Oh my god.
Why? You shouldn't
be allowed to do that. Well, this is when
it all stopped.
Just shit on the kids.
I was very good at what I did.
I think we're going to have to fire the guy who shit on the kids
But it was New Year's Eve
And our boss had made such a big deal
About how nobody's getting off for New Year's Eve
Like absolutely nobody can have the day off
If you're scheduled you have to work
And we had for lunch that day
We had Beanie Weenie Grilled Cheeses
And they were great
Beanie Weenie Grilled Cheeses. And they were great.
Beanie Weenie Grilled Cheese was like my favorite day.
Are those beanies and weenies and grilled cheeses all together?
It's beanies and weenies
in the grilled cheese sandwich.
Wow, that sounds pretty great.
It's pretty good.
Beanie Weenie Grilled Cheese.
Texas crazy.
That's what they call steak over there.
Beanie Weenie is real cheesy
it's the best
and I don't know how
but I was
I just
something
I don't know if something just fell
into my beanie weenie cheesy
and
I love saying it
but I was the only one that I had sick
so I ate it
and I was on the playground
and I'm sitting there like
watching the kids
and
again
like I had to fart and I'm just like and my stomach and again, I had to fart.
My stomach just fucking cramps up
and I just have no control
whatsoever.
My butt just opens up.
Oh my, Michael knows something about that.
I'm like,
oh god.
I'm in charge of five to seven year olds.
If they see Mr. Marcus with a pants full of shit,
I'm never going to...
I'm going to lose my job.
It's cool to shit your pants.
Mr. Marcus with a pants full of shit
might be my favorite sentence of the week.
You're welcome.
If that's not a band, I don't know what is.
I thought it sounded like the title of a Nirvana song.
Yeah, I think it's called The Counting Crows.
So I went to the bathroom, and I was like, the whole time, I'm like,
please don't let me shit my pants.
Please don't let me shit my pants.
I don't want this to happen.
So I go to the bathroom.
Just make it a really massive fart.
Please, God.
The biggest, greatest fart of all time.
Just make it something different.
And I get to the bathroom.
That's like when
you lost your virginity.
Yeah.
I hope she's not pregnant.
I hope she's not pregnant.
I'd rather have
a major medical problem.
Hopefully it's blood.
I go to the bathroom
and I pull down my pants
and I check and like,
I've just like shit
the hell out of my boxers.
And I'm just getting a good day long cycle. And I'm just, yeah, and I check and I just shit the hell out of my boxers. And I'm just getting...
Like a good day-long cycle.
And I'm wearing boxers so there's nothing to catch it.
So it's down my thighs on both sides.
Down my legs.
Sad, sad story.
And my boss was so insistent.
And I'm just getting worse and worse.
I'm covered in sweat.
And I'm just fucking throwing up as well.
And I can't just lie to my boss or give her some kind of excuse.
I just had to go into her office.
And she had made such a big deal about nobody getting the day off.
I just had to go into my office and just say,
Miss Ortiz, I just shit myself.
I got to go home.
I was like, I'll be back.
I just have to go change and wash myself off.
She just stared at me with these huge eyes.
Okay.
That's all you can say.
On the drive home, I got this horrible fever.
It was the worst food poisoning I ever had in my life.
It was New Year's Eve, too.
I'll tell you what, though. If you ever want to get out of work, your boss
is being a fucking bitch. Shit yourself.
Shit yourself at all times, ladies
and gentlemen. Alright, this has been the Roundtable
of Gentlemen. Fantastic program.
I loved this episode, by the way.
It was a good one. It was a good, hot episode.
It's hot. Oh my god, I forgot
all those other shit stories. I'm not gonna tell them.
Hey, remind me next week. I forgot all those food points.
We got a cliffhanger.
We got a shit story cliffhanger.
We got a lot of shit stories.
Holy lordy.
To be continued next week on Roundtable of Gentlemen.
Yeah, alright, Jenkins Brogy and Larson.
Thank you Michael Chaferson.
And for Kevin Barnett, James Adomian,
Amazing Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Kissel.
We'll talk to you next week.
Holy shit.
I just shit.
I'm looking forward to it.
I just shit.
I am looking fucking shit.
Shit.
Shit it.
Shit.
Put a shit ball in it.
Huh?
Put a shit ball in it.
Huh?
I'm going to shit.
Put a...
Make a shit.
Eat a shit.
You don't stop it.
I'm going to shit.