The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Holden Talks For Thirty Minutes

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

On this Round Table special: Holden talks for thirty minutes.

And now, a special presentation from the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Oh no! You gotta begin talking now. Alright, here we go. Holding talks for 30 minutes is the name of the game, and this is the plan. My fans, all my many succulent fans out there, I can't wait to talk for the next 30 minutes. And if you don't listen, then you can't quit it. You got a shape in your hands like a horse is hiding, baby, on your mind. How many times have I been on your mind, listeners? And now you get to listen to my mind for the next 30 minutes.

Now I think we're less so than that situation. Okay, getting a little jumbly-bumbly with me words. Oh, no, he's British now. Oh, right, and you got a big block of fun waiting for you in the bathroom, missus. By big block of fun, I mean the dump of fucking dunk in your fucking toilet, you fucking bitch. And that is the end of the BBC show. Pitch that I was going to make to the head of BBC. BBC has the head, and the head's name is Mr. Head.

And I was going to try to get head for Mr. Head, because he's fucking not gay. So we're going to begin again anew. Let's start the show over again now. All right. Olden Talks for 30 minutes. And we've got a bit more to go. Right? So let's talk about the show.

All right. The show is going to begin like this. And it's going to end like this. And we're going to keep going. And you have got to listen to it for the next while, girl. I'm like the raven. The raven. The raven actually also shot himself in the head at the end of the movie accidentally with a prop gun but nobody knows about it because it was such a

shitty movie you know unlike the crow which was like a pretty fun goth fucking rendition a remake of superman some might say but instead of superman it's like fucking Blooper Man because it fucking got beat the fucking nuts with a baseball bat, you fuckers. Now, there you have a thought holding in your head. Baseball man got hit in the bat with the balls, you fuckers. So, RBI was a Nintendo game, and it started in 1980. Screw you! He's talking for 30 minutes! He's talking for 30 minutes until you get robbed of your grave!

Grave robbers and grave diggers, welcome to the meeting. I believe we have many points to discuss tonight. First of all, quit stealing the eyeballs of the dead men. Second of all, tomorrow's PB&J day, so if everybody could bring their favorite peanut butter. I already brought various jellies, and some of them are head jellies stolen from the dead men. Some of them are made of eyeballs stolen from the dead men. And her hands, Martha, her hands were dry. Her hands were dry when I found her at the bottom of the pool. How could she have dry hands at the bottom of the pool, you Jewish?

I'll explain exactly why, Martha. the bottom of the pool you jewish i'll explain exactly why martha i am baseball batman and i will fly to the nearest vicinity i'm gonna go with the police station knock knock knock who's there police officer roy oh is he there what's his hair look like it looks brown quit stealing their fucking eyeballs. Will do. Thank you, Mrs. I heard there was a complaint in your vicinity of your apartment. Yeah, I've got a complaint. The fucking Orioles are a shitty baseball team. Well, that sounds more like a complaint for Baseball Ball Man.

Baseball Ball Man? His name's Baseball Man. Ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, man. Ball man. Ball man. Baseball man. Baseball baseball man, baseball man. Hi, how are you? I have many interesting offers to make you today.

Our first offer comes all the way from Ninsachusetts, and it's a brown hand, and it was dry. Martha, when we found it in the bathroom. In the bathroom? I thought you said you found her at the bottom of a pool. Oh, it's Roller Coaster Jones. Yeah, that's right. Roller Coaster Jones, me crikeys. I'll come all the way from the outback to build you a roller coaster. It's called Loop-Dee-Loo and a Hiddly-Doo. What's a Hiddly-Doo? Hiddly-Doo's roller coaster made out of bones, made out of bones for the men, for the men in the circus. There were clowns in the circus,

and there were fucking elephants at the circus and then i saw him a little boy in the center of the ring top and and he was thoroughly retarded and five pointed and laughed at him and i thought to myself you have got to be more german if you are going to be that racist and the retarded boy said tony tony tony the retarded boy said tony tony you don't it tony yeah yeah what's up man can i get a pizza all right i might be italian but i'm not the pizza making man hey and there it is cincinnati the orioles we bring it right back around, don't we, friend in the room? You're all my friends today. And I'd like to hear from my friends and my fans. If they want to write me, they can write into the Creek of the Cave,

1093 Jackson Avenue. If you want to request a salad or a burrito, they make them upstairs. I think my favorite part about recording here, I'm glad you asked, thank you for asking, is when I sit and I speak the words into the microphone for 30 minutes and the little boys, they laugh and they laugh. And the big fat girls, they laugh and they laugh more than the little boys. And then the fat girls sit on the little boys and the little boys' bones start to break and the fat girls get bigger somehow. Maybe they're eating while they're doing it.

And I think there's a real problem with obesity in this country. And I'm glad that you asked me about that, about what it's like to work in the creek and the cave and then what it's like to sort of deal with the obesity problem that I've been dealing with so much lately. And I'd say that I've I've kind of been testing it out, you know, to see how much a man could gain in the in the past few months by eating just kind of sugars and carbohydrates. I'm watching my carbs and um excuse me i'm gonna drink some whiskey here and um you uh need to watch your carbs in order to maintain a proper diet is what the doctor told me and it's good to run uh went on a fun run the other day but it became very quickly not so fun right because of the fucking diversity issues that we have in this country with the fucking congress telling us that we can't fucking use words that we want to use on television

the seven deadly words we know which are bread horses tower bog lego creatures and finnegan's wake and sicilian men with their big fresh cocks getting shoved in the mouths of a fucking million maidens. And a million maidens day is not till next fucking Wednesday. So it's like stop shoving cocks in a million maidens mouths when it's fucking next Wednesday. And you're saying, oh, it's a pizza party on a Tuesday. We shove a cocker whenever we wanna. And I'm like, you know what? Italian people are the only people I can make fun of anymore.

So I'm going to fucking be racist towards them. You know what I'm saying? And they do have the hottest girls, though, man. Those hot, hot chicks, dude, in Italy. Those, like, dirty bordellos. Grottos is what they are. The brick and mortar personal effort that we make when we kind of join up hand in hand,

a child with a man, or maybe not a child with a man, maybe two children separately from two men, or else we're going to have to be walking around knocking on doors, fucking introducing ourselves. And I don't want to fucking go through that. Okay. Because I saw what happened to my fucking uncle and his uncle before him and his fucking dirty, sick uncle before him and all the dirty, filthy uncles out there. You know, why don't we just stop in fucking pedophilia by murdering all the uncles? If we just kill all the fucking uncles, we won't have these fucking pedophiles anymore.

Oh, man, let's do that. Well, I'll tell you what, this Saturday, I'm running the pedophile mile. We're getting out there, and it's a fun run for the pedophiles. Try to eradicate them by electrocuting the uncles in electric shock chairs, giving them the treatment that they deserve and they need

so they stop feeling up, Timmy, after b-ball practice, just because they're the fucking gym coach. And that's the problem with gym coaches in general to execute gym coaches, fucking uncles. And we've gotten zero pedophiles. And then all we have to do is deal with the rape issue. The rape issues, the rape issue, rape, rape, rape. It's always rape. You know, at least if you're fucking running around. right you know honestly stop running in parks and you will not be raped let's do that let's let's let's do runner blaming i'm ready to start blaming the runners and not the victims and not the slut shaming we're runner shaming stop running get big you know put a fucking metal cask down there let's bring back fucking chastity belts to end

the fucker whole rape fuck bullshit situation on the streets and in the planet fucking earth or send the rapist to a different planet i do it to pluto but apparently it's a star and that's the fucking issue there you can't absolutely believe that if you're going to be a cross-eyed rapist in today's fucking economy, you're not going to have to deal with some layoffs. And that's why I'm here today to talk to you about the layoff situation. You know what I'm saying? I've been laid off.

I've been fired. I've been told you work too slow. I've been told you never work fast enough. And I think that that's kind of important for the youth of today, if they're trying to actually generate some fucking income on this fucking godless planet to fucking maybe sit down and say, hey, why am I being raped every fucking three seconds? I'm trying to get a job. Is this a job interview or a fucking, you know, fucking Taiwanese raped in? That's the word I was looking for.

Taiwanese. Taiwan. Oh, I'm not going to do that, though. I'm not going to do the Asian voice. Okay. So let's move past the Asian voice. Everybody forget the Asian voice happened. Okay. That's good. All right. Now we're going to play the question game. I want you to answer. I don't care if you're in your office or in the car right now, I'm going to ask you a series of quick questions and you need to answer them right after I asked them. Okay. How old were you when you were born?

How old were you when you had his first sandwich? How old were you when you fucking went to grade school? Did you fucking tell anybody that you fucking pissed at the bathroom all over the fucking floor? Cause I know you were that kid. What is the stinky kid in your life? Cause he definitely exists. Who is your mother sucking on? And if she's dead, is she fucking on a ghost? And is there anybody out there that we can bring in to discuss kind of general issues with old british may hello it's me old british may hello is you slow talking peter yeah it's me slow talking morris here to fill up some time on the issues i remember I was hanging out with my good friend tree beer and I was said a tree beard why don't we rub a dub dub convince ourselves to blow on each other and he said I'm fine with that

they're no good orcs and we rubbed our little tiny trees until the fat pungent goo filled the air and shot a load on Treebeard

and that's when you discovered that you were indeed not merely a man but part tree and that you could fight the war of the five armies you could go out there and you could solve the rape crisis or you could essentially deal with getting laid off when you work too slow and play cards with baseball man and play cards with baseball ball man if you wanted to yep there are two different people baseball man is one guy and baseball ball man is a different guy and they're very similar definitely they're both baseball themed superheroes very interesting so when you assassinated four presidents at the same time were you thinking about baseball man were you thinking about you, communally masturbating with tree beard? Or were you really just out there to kind of eradicate, you know, what was going on in the White House and in the Oval Office and the files they have there and the secret room that they have there and the books they have in there

and the desk they have in there and you've got a table they have in there and the chairs they have in there and the secret service they have in there and the Oval Office and the windows they have in there and the white paint they have in there and you've got a lot of lamps they have in there and you see there's a pen in there.

And in the Oval Office. And you've got computers they have in there. And you've got the AIDS they have in there. And you've got the cure to AIDS they have in there. And take me to the war room you have in there. And my mind is a bracket for pain they have in there. And my mind is a bracket for pain. They have in there. And you're being invaded by the Nexus Neptune 9. They have in there.

The Nexus Neptune 9. The new superhero troop that has baseball ball man and everyone all in one cereal. That's right, kiddos. It's the brand new cereal they have in there. And you can get the brand new cereal today. It's got baseball man, baseball ball man. It's got the new cereal they have in there. You can get the brand new cereal today. It's got Baseball Man, Baseball Ball Man. It's got the Nexus Neptune 5. It's got the Nexus Neptune 9.

That's nine different creatures. That's Aquaman, Marine Man, Bean Man, Beaner Man, which has recently been taken out of the cereal because it's fucking so fucking goddamn racist. And then you've got Baseball Ball Man. You already said that. Shut up, Billy. You don't fucking get any cereal today.

You twit. Twits and twats. Tits and tots. The brand new game show where we watch tits and tots and twits and twats. Sitting together in a pool. Who leaves first? I'm the twit. And I'm the tot.

And I'm the tits. And I'm the tot! And I'm the tot! And I'm the twat. Hey, that twat's pretty stinky. Yeah, you got that right, tot. Anyways, I say we all get the hell out of here. And that's coming from me, the twit! Yeah, I'm stinky Dutch.

I gave birth to you, tot. And as far as the twit goes,, I'm Sting's dad. I gave birth to Tot. And as far as the twit goes, he owes me fucking money. And a ring. Because if you want a fucking stinky gross twat, put a fucking ring on it. Or you're not so hot. I'm the big fun tits. And I think we should all get out of this pool and end this game show game right here, or else he's going to talk for another 14 minutes.

And I don't like how we always introduce ourselves before we say something. Well, I'm the tits, the big fun tits, and I love introducing ourselves before we say something. Or the tits. The big fun tits. And I love introducing ourselves before we say anything. I'm the twit and I don't give a shit. And the twat. And I say we get out of this pool so we can end this game show.

I'm in agreement with the twat. And I'd also like to say when I'm old enough, I want to eat you out. Yeah, fucker. We can both eat her out as soon as we're fucking old enough. I'm only 17. You're only 17? Man, I was beating on my own beanbags before you were even 15.

15? You're the top. I thought you were like four. Yeah, whatever. I got an aging problem. I'm on Merlin. I thought you were like four. Yeah, whatever. I got an aging problem. I'm like Merlin. I age backwards. I'm like Merlin in there. And I'll age backwards in there.

And they've got books in there. And they've got Secret Service in the Oval in there. In the Oval Office. And they've got, I'll tell you what you need to do, you twat. What is that? You need equal rights and pay in the workplace. Oh, I see. Now he's trying to make some kind of anti-feminist statement.

Is that what it is? Is that why he put a big, gross talking pussy in his fucking game show sketch? Yeah! I'm the twat! I mean, the I'm the fucking twit! And I agree!

That's an anti-feminist statement, you fucking blogger! Oh, now he's getting political. Is that what's gonna happen now? Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Not if I have anything to do with it. Who are you? Another man with a mind.

Dong, dong, ding. It's the sad part of the show when he doesn't know what to say anymore. And so he sings some old type of coca-cola. And all bandsong fans and stinky kinds of madness. That you're always gonna be wrong sometimes. Singing the songs in the same old times. Be tossed in the fountain while the crimes they're committed.

In the bushes by the runners and the rapists when they're running around with the man in the moon. He's saying that Pluto is a star, but baseball man saves the day and the rapist gets away. Bill Cosby, where the fuck are you going? I heard he used to do three hour long shows and he would rape the girls. I think this is an important part of the show right here actually i think this is the most important part of the show so if you were going to turn it off five minutes ago that you didn't hear this so i think the most important thing to do if you've turned this off already is live your life and not hear this part and i think that you won't hear this part because you turned

it off five minutes ago and if you are hearing this part get ready for some shout outs shout outs to fucking john benet shout outs to fucking marcus's t-shirt shout outs to the fucking books they have in there and shout out to all the little girls and boys especially the underage ones that are coming around saying to me you don't need to be the greatest. And I'm like, yeah, I know. And they're like, you're not a boxer. And I'm like, I've never boxed a fight in my life. And they're like, you, you don't pay your taxes. And I'm like, that's not true. I pay my taxes every month. I usually do it in fucking February. You fucking cunts, you fucking cunts out there who want to come up to me and say, I don't pay taxes. And you call yourself a fucking nader. come up to me and say, I don't pay taxes. And you call yourself a fucking Nader. You cannot do that anymore. If you want to say to me, hold a McNeely, you don't do your taxes. And you want to say to me,

hold a McNeely, your whole face needs plastic surgery. And you want to say to me, say to me, which is what I'm saying, then you can't believe a thing that you say. And that's why we're going to say hello to another day. Right? And there's different ways you can kill yourself. And there's different things in the Oval Office, but they're not all going to fucking be the same. All right? So whether you're black or you're brown or you're gray or your eyes are black or you're black you can't think that anything's gonna change just because you watch selma which was by the way my favorite of the trilogy um which would be amistad glory and selma um pretty much wraps the whole thing up and i like to believe that um 20 years a slave is uh like like a cloud atlas far future dystopia story that takes place after the events of selma in the far future after

we went through the apocalypse and started over again but that's just me how come all people And old and slave movies that are period pieces. Always talk like this. Why do people in plantation movies always have to talk like this? I know that they were talking like me, man. You know? I like to believe there was a Nader in the slave times. God, Jesus Christ you can edit all that out you gotta

edit it out you can't keep shaking your head no you gotta edit every bit of that out so we will continue to talk for 20 minutes but I think that you need to talk for 15 minutes if you want to do something with your life and I want to go ahead and say Andrew Parker man you need to talk for 15 minutes if you want to do something with your life. And I want to go ahead and say, Andrew Parker, man, you need to talk for 20 minutes.

And I'll talk for 40 minutes. And, you know, Annoy can talk for fucking 15 minutes. I'll still talk for 30 minutes. But I think that the most important thing about the most important part of the show, which is right now, I'd say probably instead of the other part that I said was the most important part of the show. instead of the other part that I said was the most important part of the show. I think if you wanted to ask me what the most important part of the show was, and you said, oh, it was the part that happened 15 minutes ago because he literally said it was the most important part of the show, but I'm saying that right now it was more important than that important part.

And it's not even like you can debate which part is more important because I'm literally telling you right now this is the most important part of the show and that you should probably turn the volume up right now because I'm going to scream loudly. Fuck, man. I just fucking busted my pants. All right. Well, I think, you know, hit me up on Facebook.

Hit me up on Twitter. Hit me up on the fucking Instagram, you know, because we're all about social media these days. I mean, I don't think anybody's not for social media. Maybe Bill Cosby, but I mean, that dude fucking, you know, raped himself into an early grave. So you can't do that. But anyways, God is definitely on my list of MVPs for the eternity. And if you want to say you know oh who's the most important person was it elvis was it hendrix i'm gonna go ahead and say the fucking

floating ball of life that in my imagination is our god you know or god is god is in all of us i guess too i mean i i'm glad you asked me the question of what i think that the actual god lord looks like and lord god in my opinion isn't necessarily a man or a woman or a man with a woman's vagina, kind of like just under the belly button, just above the penis, which I originally did think it was, and that his cock was shaped like a candy cane so he could fuck himself and make more people. And I think that you could consider that to be a sort of a Lord God, omnipresent God Lord, but the Godhead to me isn't a head at all. You know, it's not in the Oval Office. It's like the only thing that's not in the Oval Office. It's, it's sort of a omnipresent, potent,

sort of apothecary's brew, you know, it's sort of floating around. It's just kind of in and out, just sort of checking out what's going on. Where are we at? Where are we at? We're in Marcus' bathroom or we're floating around sort of. We're going to Six Flags. God's just fucking hanging out riding a roller coaster, you know. Sounds like he's hanging out with roller coaster man. 25.

Roller coaster man is dead, by the way. He died long ago, my friends. I fooled you all. That wasn't Rollercoaster Man. That was me doing an impression of Rollercoaster Man. But that's not the question today. I think the many questions you asked, I think the most important question to answer would be where the Lord God is concerned, kind of a bit about what the God Lord could be if it did not exist, or if it had existed in the first place what was the existence when it came into existence and the sounds of silence you know i think really explains

it all that we're not here to raise a baby we're not here to be gum shoes you know and solve mysteries we're just here to fucking brown out the town you know to use up all the electricity and kind of create like sort of brown moments you know of just sort of uh communal celebration you know and it's like am i the most important professional 26 that you're a fan of you know yeah totally let me be yeah absolutely sure i can be the most important person in your life like absolutely so if you want to email me with that information it's good for me to know i like to know who i is life i am the most important man in you know or the most important woman if you if you hear this and you assume i have i'm i'm sort of wit like the God that I described before, which I very well could be.

But if you ain't eating your own fucking ass, you'll know, man, that it's not about the jam, the infinite jam, as they like to say in hippie drum circles. It's not the fucking infinite jam, man, because they're fucking smoking too much weed, man. And that's not fucking what Obama should be responding to at this point in time. Obama's in Russia right now, man. He's dealing with that shit, you know.

He's invading Russia in the winter, which is like invading the fucking desert on a cold day, you know. And what are you going to say when you speak in tongues? You say like... When you speak in tongues, you say like, which is incidentally how I sound when I'm eating a fucking pussy out, you know? Can't stand your love, girl, every time you bring me your flowers for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours. And I know you're true to me now, girl. Hours and there.

Hours and there. And you got hours and there. And then you also have books. Hours and there. And you've got different in the Oval Office. Hours and there and you you can hear what's going hours when you go into the oval office you got um a cow hours in there and you've got a magician's hours hat in there and um 28 talking i made a couple of references

to um old classics and if you can pick out five references that I made today and sit and email them to your mom, then you're the fucking biggest loser on the planet. And you should probably fucking jump off a cliff, but into a ball of rubber and bounce off of it and survive. Cause I don't want anybody to fucking kill themselves on this planet, you know, unless they deserve it,

you know, but that's not up to me. You know, I'm just the most important person in your life and you're all my fans. That doesn't mean that I have to tell somebody to not kill themselves or kill themselves. You know, that's not my fucking role. That's the fucking Lord Godhead we were talking about earlier. Um, but challenging yourself every day, going to say, I am going to get up and I am going to frighten someone today. Giving yourself goals, like the one I just mentioned, is wildly important and a source of need for everyone when they get so hungry that they just...

29. 29. So many men Making men naked I'm a bitch Baby, I'm a bitch As you find your farts Are fucking up Baby, fuck you, bitch

And your pussy Make a fart fuck And you're fucking on a fart now Boom, boom, boom, boom Rollercoaster man Boom, boom, boom, boom, roller coaster man. Boom, boom, boom, boom, and baseball ball man. Boom, boom, boom, boom, in the Oval Office. And there you'll find a dream for the glory of the Lord Godhead.

You'll make a mind again. You'll make a mind again You'll make a mind again You'll never know What your mind is making 3, 2, 1 Holden Talks for 30 minutes