The Royals of Malibu - 3. Rodeo, a Rager, and a Real Friend

Starting point is 00:00:00 Diversion Audio Last time on the Royals of Malibu? The Kova Academy is the most elite prep school on the West Coast. With your excellent grades, I'm sure you'll have no trouble fitting in. You're staying with the Royals, right? How did you swing that? I didn't sleep my way into your basic bitch prep school, if that's what you're saying.

Starting point is 00:00:29 Are you gonna tell my dad what you saw last night? Oh, you mean you sneaking back into the house last night with literal blood on your hands? I haven't decided yet. The two things every student at the Cove hates is a gold digger and a one of me. I sincerely hope that's not you. If you've already tried being good,

Starting point is 00:00:46 maybe you try being really, really bad. Only still have more fun that way. Why do I kind of like you? One note we should mention. This episode contains adult language and subject matter that may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Please take care in the sing. Oh, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Starting point is 00:01:27 Yeah, reach Kalan more. We'll be domestic. Kalan, I thought you were going to pick me up after my tour, but you ghosted me. I'm just going to walk back to the house, I guess. It's only what? Three miles? Huh, great for my feet in these chunky boots. Hi! Are you Ella? Um, yeah? Girl, I've been looking all over for you. You choose babe.

Starting point is 00:02:08 I'm Callum's girlfriend, Brooke. No offense, but can you prove it? This feels like a setup. Babe, you literally got into a PJ with Calum after knowing him for 24 hours. I think the stranger danger thing is behind us at this point. I guess you wouldn't get in at me

Starting point is 00:02:35 in a sports car in broad daylight. I don't do my own physical labor anyway. Get your cute booty in this car right now. It's time for a makeover montage. That is all you had to say. We're so low to the ground it feels like the car is torquing. She's a Porsche. Oh my god. Is this windblown hairstyle part of the makeover plan? Oh, here.

Starting point is 00:03:08 I'll put the top up. Thanks. I guess I'm still adjusting to the SoCal lifestyle. What do you think of Cova Academy? Were there any keep boys besides your new new stepbrothers, I mean? Um, I liked the bells they play between classes. You can say it L. These kids are a bunch of pretentious little assholes. Oh my god, they're horrible! I got a campus tour from this girl's Savannah and she wasn't even literal. Something about Brooke's Valley girl accent, fruity perfume and platinum blonde hair makes

Starting point is 00:03:49 her feel familiar. Like the girls back in Fresno. Even going 90 down the highway, I feel safe with her. That Savannah girl is totally jealous of you and your gorgeous boundstractor. No way that horse girl would be jealous of me. She probably has like three trust funds in a new nose every year. Trust me babe, you clearly have something that she wants and you just have to figure out what it is.

Starting point is 00:04:17 Sounds like you have some experience dealing with mean girls. I grew up in a literal trailer park. I had a bunch of jobs where I was on model or a shot girl or whatever. You learn how to deal with the savannas of the world pretty fast. Just ignore her and keep working on yourself. I did, and now I could just focus on building my lifestyle brand. Thanks to Calum. So is Calum your boyfriend? Or more like your investor?

Starting point is 00:04:48 In this tax bracket, it's all the same thing. I just don't want everyone in school judging me for where it came from. Honestly, I don't want anyone to be talking about me at all. Then I suggest you wear a bag over your head, pretty girl. People are always going to notice you. There are a lot more interesting things about me than how I look. Obviously.

Starting point is 00:05:10 But fact is, everyone judges the book cover first. And there is nothing wrong with camming for a living. Sex work is hard work, early pop. Kalim, uh, told you? Yeah, was that a secret? What happens on the internet? Stay stays on the internet, babe? The kids at school are going to have a field day if they find out. It's probably just a matter of time.

Starting point is 00:05:33 I mean, who hasn't thought about starting an only fans account? They'd be hypocrites to judge you, babe. Okay, you're cool with shopping and Beverly Hills, right? Oh, I probably just need a few things for school. Um, we can just go to them all. No way. Nothing but the best for my new little sis. You are going to love Rodale.

Starting point is 00:05:55 It's heaven on earth. When you've got Daddy Calum's credit card, that is. Stays! How are you? What? Can we get a room set up for Ella, please? Thanks, babe! Now, let me play hot, very step mom

Starting point is 00:06:14 and get you a fab new wardrobe. I probably just need a few things. Maybe a new pair of sneakers? Don't worry. We're gonna make you look expensive. Not that there's anything wrong with your kind of 90s teen grunge style. It's very Olivia Rodrigo. Stace, these can go in Ella's room.

Starting point is 00:06:37 Here, I can hold them. This is the first store of many. Save your energy. Chanel's quilted crossbody is a little plain, but it's a good starter bag. A starter for what? For your collection babe, you'll need a pair of skinny sunglasses and definitely a cat eye. Ooh, and you need these hot pink aviators. I look like an alien. A hot alien though, I guess. Do people really wear these? Of course.

Starting point is 00:07:16 I saw Bella Hadid wearing those a pair's fashion wig. Hmm, there's no smell in the world like Jimmy Chu. Hey, what about those combat boots? In case I need to fight Savannah. You're at private school now. That's psychological warfare, not physical. Okay. Um, I kind of like these with the blink.

Starting point is 00:07:39 Ah! OMG, the crew 65, my protégé, I'm so proud. Brooke, that was so much fun, but are you sure we didn't go overboard? No way. We still have to get you some alterations. I'll have my Attilié, stop by tomorrow. We need to see what we need to get tailored. Your entire future is at stake.

Starting point is 00:08:07 How are you supposed to go to your Stanford? If you were the black dog, I'll give a shit about Stanford. How can you say that? Hi, baby. We're home. Reed, what happened to your face? It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

Starting point is 00:08:23 Right. Are they always like that? Mm. It's usually worse. I usually run if I hear a zipper. Okay. Uh, uh. I missed you, baby. You look so good.

Starting point is 00:08:37 Thanks, baby. Mm. Uh, did you have a good time shopping, Ella? It was an educational experience, but yeah, broke made it fun. Apparently, I've been wearing the wrong bra size my entire life. Show him the Balenciaga top. It's, uh, small. You like me in tops like that, don't you, baby?

Starting point is 00:09:02 Oh, that's different. Mm-hmm. It's the trashiest shirt I've ever seen. Is it still trashy if it costs over a grand? How do you even wear that? Carefully. And without a bra. Okay, well, I didn't need that image. Seems like you're enjoying it.

Starting point is 00:09:19 I don't flatter yourself. I'm outta here. Hold on. You're taking all out of that party tonight. Funny, Calum. You need to include her, help her find her footing in Malibu. Look, either you both go or no one does. No offense, Calum, but from what I can tell, Rita's an exactly a social butterfly.

Starting point is 00:09:42 I can make my own friends. And what better place to do that than at the party with all of your classmates? This isn't up for discussion, by the way. You'll want to change the party's at Savannah's. Are you kidding me? I'm supposed to go to a party at Savannah's house. Is that good? Is Savannah nice? No, baby. Savannah is not nice. Mom, if you were here, you'd tell me what to wear.

Starting point is 00:10:32 Brooks has only emo kids wear skinny jeans. I guess Fresno was a few years behind the trend. I'm just gonna wear what I'm comfortable in. These mom jeans are surprisingly flattering. And that tiny top. No bra, thank God for small quirky boobs. Eat your heart out, Reed Royal. And finally, my model off duty boots.

Starting point is 00:11:02 Okay, go off, Ella Hadid. Of course, when I see Read and Easton waiting impatiently for me by the front door, they're all looking at me like I'm a total stranger. Hi. Oh, shit. Where'd she come from? Guess we're not going for subtle zero fucks babe. You looking credible Savannah is gonna die when she sees you All right sis, you're the rules for the night. Ah yes, rules. The cornerstone for any great party.

Starting point is 00:11:50 Eh, alright, don't get drunk too early. We don't want you passed out before midnight. Don't bone the first guy that gives you attention. Seriously, Ethan? Don't try to name job because everyone here already knows your charity case and don't hang out with us because I'm trying to get some and I don't need you cock-blocking. Well, you've me.

Starting point is 00:12:08 I'm not trying to compete with the Royal's groupies. I've seen their nails and I bet they fight dirty. Oh God, I thought SoCal was supposed to be warm. Can I borrow your jacket? No can do. This jacket is reserved for the girl I'm sleeping with. And who are you sleeping with? I don't know yet. Why, you're interested.

Starting point is 00:12:28 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Say hi to him when he walked in, but we all know she's still so... If I pass my driving, he's gonna leave me a extra. Your behavior is not okay, Dean. It's... it's like... really fucked. And I don't know who you think you are, especially compared to me. Okay, I do not think I was supposed to hear that. The even's in trouble. Okay, I'm not think I was supposed to hear that. Davidson travel.

Starting point is 00:13:08 Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Ugh. Ugh. Are you doing breathing exercises at a party? You scared me. My therapist taught me the same thing.

Starting point is 00:13:33 Unfortunately for her, we'd still work better. Are you the new girl? Yeah. Ella, how'd you know? The COVID's so fucking in, Brad. We've all known each other since preschool. Oh, you're breaking news. I really wish I wasn't.

Starting point is 00:13:49 You also stand out because Savannah has a strict club attire dress code? Convenience, and she's the only one who actually looks good in a body con dress. Okay, I was I supposed to know that a house party had a dress code. You aren't dressed up either? Well, that's because technically, I wasn't invited. I just live here. For what it's worth, you are high-key serving, love the little shirt, big pants,

Starting point is 00:14:13 moment you have going, very sister-acto. I'm here for it. I would have dressed up a bit more if I knew it would make me a pariah. There are a lot of denim-related rules in this town. Well, you're a pariah with great taste and boots. I'm Valerie, by the way. Come on, I want to show you something.

Starting point is 00:14:31 You have a game room? It's supposed to be part of the Servants' quarters. Gross. But our house manager let us turn it into a game room a few years ago. So, are you and Savannah's sisters or... I have you. me, no way. I'm Savannah's cousin from the wrong side of the tracks, and she wants nothing to do with me.

Starting point is 00:14:50 I'm an outcast like you. But me and Tam, our house manager's daughter, we basically spend all of our time in here. There's a picture of us. She's a smoke show, right? She's gorgeous. I love red hair. So, you and Tam are together?

Starting point is 00:15:06 Yeah, she started college in Berkeley this year. We face time like non-stop, but I don't know when I'll actually get to see her That sucks. Yeah, but don't like tell people. I'm not not out, but it's not something we talk about in my family, you know? I get it Where's your family if you're living here? My parents moved back to Mexico and my grandma got sick and Savannah's parents are always traveling for work. So there isn't really anyone to come out to anyway. Well, your secret is safe with me. Thanks.

Starting point is 00:15:37 Wanna play Smash Bros? I'm not much of a gamer. Is that like Mario Bros? It is a game of speed, agility, and pressing buttons fast as hell. Don't worry, it isn't rocket science. 3, 2, 1, go! Go! Go!

Starting point is 00:15:53 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Starting point is 00:16:01 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come Hmm, a confident queen! I love it! Find me out lunch Monday, we can eat together, and judge people. I will. Thanks. It's been a while since I had someone my own age. Never mind. Ah, I'm just glad I met you. No.

Starting point is 00:16:37 Thank you. You're the first cool person I've met at Cove. We gotta stick together. Love it. What are you doing in here? I'm enjoying myself and the world of Super Smash Bros. Have you met Valerie? Read.

Starting point is 00:16:51 Ella, you can't spend the whole night hiding up here. Everyone down there was ignoring me. At least I met someone cool up here. I think Kalim wanted you to make more than one friend? No offense, Valerie. What? Are you gonna tattle on me? Just come out and show your face. People wanna see the new zoo animal.

Starting point is 00:17:08 Give them what they want. He is so weirdly controlling. Dude, I don't know how to tell you this, but your weird step-brother situation totally wants to bone you. Valorie, oh, oh shit! You like him, too? What? No.

Starting point is 00:17:25 No, he is the biggest asshole I've ever met in my entire life. Okay, okay, chill. If we go back out there, I'm gonna need a drink. You'll come with me? If I'm drunk, yeah! Oh, my God, did you hide Tequila in a copy of Infinite Just? That is next level. Come on now.

Starting point is 00:17:45 And I got cups. Because we're lady. Salute. Salute. Salute. Thank you. Okay. Thick with me, girl.

Starting point is 00:17:55 That authentic mezcal. And it's good for you. Another one? Another one. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Thank you. Let's go get our shit rock. Let's do it! Okay, everything Savannah told you about the COVID is probably bullshit. Allow me to give you the real tour. Yes, please do. Over by the Keg, you'll find your championship rowing team. They're all dumb as doorknops. But they have won Nationals 3 years in a row. Next, the unwashed hipster crew sitting near the fireplace drinking IPAs, they published the COVIDva Academy literary review.

Starting point is 00:19:07 Insufferable champagne socialists. And they denied my poem in last year's issue. Ferdic? Prix. Total pricks. The girls over there trying to form a prick, a curious-looking human pyramid are the cheerleaders. But,

Starting point is 00:19:24 as you can probably tell, our cheerleaders have never won a single competition. So they're only kind of mid-tier popular, honestly. So they're not mean girls then. Oh, they absolutely are. They literally, they're straight over my head and pretend they can't hear me speak. Do you know how hard it is to do a group project with girls

Starting point is 00:19:43 who won't make eye contact with you? Just because your dad doesn't run a fortune 500 Okay, um, well, what about the group with the shaggy moments over there? Honestly, the rest are influencers want to be actors or models who moonlight in various extracurriculars if you know what I'm saying hmm And what do you know about the royals? Ah, the royals. Well, Eastern has hooked up with half of the girls at school.

Starting point is 00:20:12 Plus, some of their older sisters had some of their moms. That's disgusting. And possibly illegal? Girl, women can be creeps too. Who knew? But no girl can lock him down from more than a couple of weeks. Savannah had a fling with him a year ago? She never recovered.

Starting point is 00:20:29 Really? Yeah, I used to hear her on the phone with him crying. It was pathetic. Hmm. I almost feel bad for her. Don't. She's a brujah and not the good kind. What about Reed? Reed! He's just kind of a mystery. He's never had a girlfriend, at least not from the cove.

Starting point is 00:20:48 He doesn't really hook up with anyone, doesn't drink or smoke. He sometimes has these weird bruises on his face, but that just adds to the mystery. Every girl in the world seems to have a crush on Reed. Seriously? But he's such a dick. What can I say? Ladies like the brooding type. Obviously, I have Tam, who's...

Starting point is 00:21:07 Ah, he has sent her my universe, my little bombonchita. But even I kind of see the read appeal. This makes no sense. He is such a self-absorbed ass. Mm-hmm. And yet, you're like Farrell, whenever someone says his name. Shut up!

Starting point is 00:21:22 Hahaha! Ooh, uh-oh, did she cut an ant? Cute fit, new girl. Hey, Savannah. Vary, you actually left your weird lesbian cave. Except I don't think I invited you. Actually, I don't think I invited either of you. Don't speak to her like that.

Starting point is 00:21:41 I love, don't, everyone's staring. Excuse me? She's my cousin and this is my house. I can talk to, I love, don't, everyone's staring. Excuse me? She's my cousin and this is my house. I can talk to whoever I want, however I want. Yeah, well, you can't be a fucking bigot. You need to chill out, foodstamp, Tram. Wow, you managed to sledge him and borshame me in the same breath. Look, Savannah, I get it.

Starting point is 00:22:01 If I were you, I'd be insecure too. An absolute baddie like me sleeping just a few doors down from your precious eastern. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The fuck does this have to do with me? It's so cool that your parents travel all the time. If I were your parents, I'd be gone too. So I didn't have to be around my nightmare of a daughter. Bella, enough. We're leaving. Oh, so now you wanna step in. Bella, enough. We're leaving. Oh, so now you want to step in.

Starting point is 00:22:25 Fuck you, bitch. You're fucking trailer park trash. You look like fucking GR Barbie and that stupid outfit. Get those cheap ass boots out of my house. These cheap ass boots were 800 bucks. And how else would I look down at you? Bella, come on. I wasn't done reading. You said more than enough, Sinclair. Trust me. It isn't worth it.

Starting point is 00:22:50 Oh yeah, hell of a party, especially the fireworks. Where's my shoe? You shouldn't have picked a fight with her in front of everyone. She'll never let this go. Yeah, well someone needs to stand up to Savannah. Yeah, maybe. But it didn't need to be you, Ella. This is my world, and you need to listen to me. When I want your advice, Royal, I'll ask. Oh, God damn it! Sorry, bro.

Starting point is 00:23:17 Dude, roll down the window! I told you to pace yourself, East. He doesn't look so good. Do you know what he's on? Oh, fucking knows. You got me. I did a lot of drugs. And are you on anything, Reed?

Starting point is 00:23:32 I'm fine. You have to tell me if you are. OK, I'm not trying to die tonight. Or what? You'll get out and walk? Yeah. Maybe I will. All right.

Starting point is 00:23:43 So get out and walk. Oh, miles away. It's a middle of night. Oh. Fine. I'll walk. I will turn so get out and walk oh Where's the man on the night. Oh fine. I'll walk You're really gonna leave me here On the next episode of The Royals of Malibu, things are starting to heat up in the Royal Household. Maybe it's my mommy issues, but you're kind of sexy when you're mad. In more ways than one. What a...

Starting point is 00:24:22 What are you doing? Your hands are wet. I'm drawing them. How did Ella end up in a love triangle her first week in Malibu? Does that mean she's finally starting to fit in? I know the cold is wild, but do you think you'll stick around? If I have an actual cold friend here, I might be able to make the graduation without murdering anyone. Or are these rich kids as superficial as they seem? A good guy would stand up for me even if you hated me because that would be the right thing to do when someone's being bullied.

Starting point is 00:24:53 Ella can take care of herself, but it's getting ugly in Malibu. Make sure you're tuning in. The Royals of Malibu is a production of diversion audio, an association with pod people, based on the book paper princess by Aaron Watt, directed by Matt Sav, written by Kiana Katty Blue, produced by Amy Machado, Emma DeMuth and Jacob Bronsting, production management by Ashton Carter, story editing by Lindsay Pussard, story development by Emma Demuth and Jacob Bronsting, editorial direction by Scott Waxman,

Starting point is 00:25:37 casting by Lindsay Pussard, Alex Vickmanis and My Young Factor, editing, sound Design and Engineering by Morgan Fouce and Michael Aquino. The music by Eric Zyler. Featuring the voices of Alyssa McKay as Ella. Zaria as Savannah, Chris Cafferro as Rhee, Nick Cafferro as Eastern, Armin Taylor as Calum. Francesca Agramonte as Ballerary,

Starting point is 00:26:07 Anna Rubinova as Brooke, Moira Vincent, as Dina, Stephanie Sherry as Lucy and Margaret Sinclair, and Kieran Reagan as David. Executive producers for Diversion Audio, Jacob Bronsteen, Mark Francis and Scott Lachman, Executive producers for Diversion Audio, Jacob Braunstein, Mark Francis, and Scott Laxman. Executive producers for POT People, Rachel King and Matt Zav,

Starting point is 00:26:31 special thanks to Kimberly Brower, Jen Thredrick, and Elle Kennedy. Diversion Audio

The Royals of Malibu - 3. Rodeo, a Rager, and a Real Friend

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