The Royals of Malibu - THE ROYAL BOYS E1- A New Special TROM Rewatch Series Hosted by Chris Cafero (Reed) and Nick Cafero (Easton)

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Need more Malibu Mondays after that insane season 2 finale? Well you're in luck. Every Monday, brothers Chris and Nick Cafero (who play Reed and Easton, respectively) will sit down and chat all things Royals season 2, starting with episode 1. Listen along as they rehash each episode, tell stories, and even bring on guests to discuss the Royal tea. **LISTEN TO EACH NEW EPISODE OF THE ROYAL BOYS ONE WEEK EARLY ON PATREON** • Follow [The Royals of Malibu on Patreon to listen to episode Ep 2 of The Royal Boys TODAY, upcoming scripts for purchase, and much more] (https://www.patreon.com/TheRoyalsofMalibu) • Follow [The Royals of Malibu on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/theroyalsofmalibu/)• Follow [The Royals of Malibu on TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@theroyalsofmalibu)• Explore more: [diversionaudio.com](https://diversionaudio.com)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Real quick, and then I'll shut up so you can listen to the episode, but I wanted to tell you guys about an exciting new update this season, and I promise you you're going to want to hear of this one. The Royal's of Malibu is now on Patreon. Can't wait for the next episode? Well, if you subscribe to our Patreon for only $5 a month, you get access to the newest episodes one week before everyone else. We'll also have a lot of fun behind the scenes bonus episodes, polls like our U-Team Read or Team Isaac, Q&A's, discussion rooms, and much, much more.

Scripts to future unreleased episodes will also be available for purchase. Go to patreon.com slash the royals of Malibu for early access to new episodes and much more. That's patreon.com slash the royals of Malibu. I'll see you there. Hey, I'm Chris Cafferro and I'm Nick Cafferro. We are real-life brothers who play fake life brothers read and eastern royal on the hit podcast The Royals of Malibu. On this companion podcast, we'll be doing a deep dive in each episode given behind the scenes, insights, talking to some special guests, and maybe even having some laughs along the way.

Welcome to The Royal Boys. What up, welcome to The Royal Boys. We're here, we're here. Hello, hello. This means you've just finished the finale, and you are listening to our very first episode of the Royal Samalibu Re-listen podcast the Royal Boys. What's up guys? Thank you for being here. We're so excited. This is so cool Did you ever think we'd be here Nick? No, I did not I mean physically right now. We're in your apartment

Yeah, did you ever think you would be here in my apartment? No, and I was actually trying to make a point of never being in your apartment. Yeah, well, unfortunately work got in the way of our personal feud. So here we are. Here we are. For those of you who don't know, you just heard it in the intro. Nick and I are real life brothers who play brothers

on the Royals of Malibu. I play Reed Royale. I play Eastern Royale. And we are here to break down every episode give you some behind the scenes looks Well, not looks I guess listens insights insights listens Hereables in years Insight because an insight implies that you're seeing it, but you're not I don't think anybody wants to hear this

Yeah, all right take care folks have a good one No, but it's been that you know take us back to the beginning of this journey. I got an audition for Reed Royal. And I did get it. I didn't get it. Really, who got it? This guy named Chris Cafferro. Sounds handsome, or?

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, but honestly, it's been a very cool to play, brothers, we're both actors in Los Angeles. We've never done that before. Since this podcast started, we've gotten a lot closer physically. That's right. You've moved from New York to LA. Mm-hmm. We are next door neighbors.

That's pretty wild. It's like a sitcom that no one wants to watch. Yeah. We should pitch it. Let's do it. Anyone listening who wants to film a podcast, I mean film a pilot of me and Nick living together in Los Angeles, two down on their lock-actor boys. Hey, speaking of brothers, it's almost your brother's birthday and you haven't said

Jets, shit about it. I was going to say, you know, it's tough because I was thinking about walking in here with a cake and singing you happy birthday, but I was afraid I might find Brooke on your lap. Nick, that is a great transition. Oh my gosh, also I still want cake. I'll bring you some. Brooks cake on my lap. No, just kidding.

That's disgusting. I know. I don't condone cheating or sleeping with your stepmom or eating carbs. But if you do condone it, have I got a website for you? Just kidding. Okay, so Nick, what do you say we jump in

and talk about season two, episode one, new life, same bikini. That sounds fun because that's also gonna be the name of my memoir. It is. Well, because you've been wearing the same bikini to bed every night. Like no matter what life I'm living, I have the same bikini. It's crazy.

But hey, it looks good on me. It does. It cuts your figure nicely, but it leaves weird tan lines. It does. Okay, season two, episode one, new life, same bikini. Where'd we leave off, Nick? Remind our listeners where we left off at the end of season one.

Oh, our imitates real life. As you said, your birthday, as of today, will be tomorrow. Yeah, as of recording. As for fucking recording. My birthday is tomorrow, but by the time you're listening to it All my birthday will have well passed But if you are listening and want to and you start Instagram and wish me a happy birthday that would be Soul-spot-Hon it would be special, but I yes by the time you're listening you will once again be relevant

So happy birthday. Thank you We left on a birthday read Royals birthday. That's right last episode of season one Ella walks in with a cake singing happy birthday a little flat, but it was a nice nice gesture We're not gonna judge Ella's singing voice. Okay. Hey, she has a great singing voice She actually Alyssa plays guitar as well. Did you know that? I didn't know that. Yeah, she plays guitar I've seen it on her socials. That's very exciting. I don't follow her.

I refuse. He's lying. I'm joking. I'm a big fan. I follow. You like every day or the first person alike and then you write first under all the comments. Well, people need to know.

Yeah. Well, anyway, she walked in on a read with Brooke and she said, you know what, I am at a town. She takes off up north on the PCH, away from Malibu, away from the royals, and that's how we open season two, talking about forgiveness. Will she ever be able to forgive the royals? And in her mind, no, no, she won't. But really, that's what the theme of this episode is all about, right? It's like getting over breakups, moving on, forgiving, forgetting. That's like the whole theme of this episode.

And it comes in. Is it intervention? No, it's not. Did you bring me here to intervene? I'm just saying that it's time, dude. It's been three years. You gotta get over your ex. Oh, God.

Yeah. Okay. Get out there again. I will. Get on Raya. Nick's single for all you listeners. So I'm gonna sell my Lexus and move to Oakland. Okay, you don't have to humble brag that you have a car.

That's exactly what Ella does. She sells her Lexus, she moves to Oakland. Okay, you have a Lexus, that's great. I drive our grandfather's 2004 Toyota Avalon and Nick drives a lexas. Okay. So, when we open episode two, we literally open Ella's eyes and she's in bed with drum roll.

Pfft. Isaac, who the F is Isaac? He's the perfect guy. I will kill him. You really might. So here's the thing about. I will kill him. You really might. So here's the thing about this first thing, they're very cute together. They immediately start having sex.

Yeah. After waking up, unhinged behavior. It's disgusting. Disgusting. Because if it were me, I'd be like, Hey, morning, give me a second. I have to go list-or-reen my mouth for seven minutes, because I cannot even face my girlfriend

in the morning until I've brushed my teeth. I can't face your girlfriend until I brush my teeth either. Yeah, well, and let's keep it that way. I agree with you. I think it's absolutely unhinge behavior. They're going at it kissing. Somebody's breath is stinking. I'm guessing it's both of them.

You just got that dry bedtime mouth. Get out of bed. Brush your teeth. And this is a thing for people out there who do wake up in a bed if they're significant or other, or maybe somebody else. Home-filled advantage is big. Sure. Being in your apartment, having your toothbrush and brush nearby. Yes, but there's always ways around it. First of all, you should always carry a toothbrush in your backpack or bag wherever you're going. You bringing a backpack to your hookup. Sometimes, yeah, if I have to study. Second of all, there's all you go to the bathroom and you do the finger thing that you did at sleep over Whoa, please okay put toothpaste on your finger and you like brush it or here's a little trick if You're at someone's house in the morning and they don't have a list of rain or you know mouthwash

you get a little bit of toothpaste you squirt in your mouth you get a little water and you just start sloshing and a little bit of toothpaste you squirt in your mouth you get a little water and you just start sloshing and It leaves a gross little film in your mouth, but she'll love it. It smells good Yeah, but also some people don't I wonder if like two bad breaths sort of cancel out like if your breath thinks like shit and her breath Things like shit and you start making out if it's just like well It creates a flower. Maybe that's true love. Maybe as flowers grow from soil, fertilizer, manure, mouth manure, the flowers of love. Anyway, Isaac has terrible breath and he's kissing over our girl Ella. She's loving it. He's calling her the boss. Here's the thing, this guy's great and it pisses me off because it makes our characters look terrible

My character looks great not at all dude my character is the frickin man. Are you kidding me read royal? You have done the polo team. Oh my gosh read is first of all the most unfunny person I've ever heard in my life He doesn't have a great sense of humor, but he in this season he lightens up well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. But, um, yeah, he, he doesn't lead with humor. He's brooding, he's sexy, he's tortured, he's a tortured young man. You don't know what he's been through. I do. Yeah, because you truly do. Yeah, you've read the scripts. Um, my favorite part about this Isaac thing is that they met at the library. What? We come to discover. That's crazy.

First of all, who goes to the library? It's an idea. Who's meeting people at the library? I'm not. Maybe that's what you need to do to go to the library. I find someone. Go to the library. Read a frickin' book for once in a while.

I do read a book, but I read it on my Kindle. I use my library a lot. I just download a straight. It's destroying human connection. Yeah. Tell that to. But I read it on my Kindle, I use my library a lot. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street.

I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street.

I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. I just download it on Street. and keep going. That leads me to a question for you, Nick. What is the most old school way you've ever met a date

or asked someone out? Well, I took a carriage to a father's house and I said, I have three goats. Can I trade them for you for a date with your daughter? Oh, you offered a dowry. Yes. No, I mean, most old school way, I guess it's sad to say, it's in person.

I'm in the process of considering deleting my dating apps just because I think you are, I really do. What? Deleting them or putting them on pause? Putting them on pause. Yeah, there you go. Because eating them, you gotta rebuild, it's such a pain. And then you start over in the algorithm

and you start coming out and taking them. Of course there's an algorithm. Everything's an algorithm. This isn't. This is not an algorithm, but most things on your phone are algorithmic. Boogie, boogie, boogie. The algorithm is gonna get ya.

Okay, we're old. Yeah, no, that's about you. Face to face asking is the whole thing. That is pretty old school. And I just think that dating apps make it so accessible to you. And so it almost is like a game. And it's not real life. And it takes out the humanity of it.

And so I'd rather you are losing my friend. I lost that game. I'd rather lose in face to face combat. Right. You are not on the leaderboard of that game. What he does. Most old school on the leaderboard of that game, where he does. Most old school way I ever asked someone out was, well, first of all, in fifth grade,

I had Nana bring me to stop and shop to buy roses, and I left a rose in, I won't say her name, let's call her Katie. Katie's cubby to ask her out. And like during nap time or whatever, you know, play time, I was like, hey, Katie, go look in your cubby and she did and she found the rose and she screamed and started crying and ran to the bathroom

where she stayed until the nurse came and called her mother and took her home. Planned hard to get. I respect that. Yeah. But the other way I did, as someone out once, was we were at a restaurant with our family, with our parents.

Was I there? You were not. No, you weren't invited. So we did. Yeah. We went to a restaurant. You were not invited. It was with our parents.

And our waitress was just stunning. And I'm pretty sure she was like the owner's daughter and she was so charming and so beautiful. And I had to run early because I had a show that night and our parents were like, oh, will you get her number? And I'm like, I'm not gonna ask, oh, for a woman's number in front of my parents at a restaurant while this poor woman is at work.

So what I did was the following week, I went on opentable.com, and I made a reservation for one at this restaurant, and then in the comments, I wrote, hey, this is not a real reservation, but there was this waitress I was in last Saturday, and I thought she was super cute, and I'd love to buy her a drink. I don't know her name

But here's my number and guess what? I never heard from her. That does not surprise me. You know why? Why is that? You did you made so many mistakes first of all you're just trying to reenact that scene from love actually and you failed You should have learned Portuguese and walked in walked in yeah second. Oh, I love you I love that's my calling for the impression. I love you. I love you. That's my calling for a impression. It was great. It was almost like a King's Beach.

So that's number, mistake number one. Number two is you said this girl's dad owns the restaurant. He probably saw the reservation and just deleted it because he was like, I'm not gonna let my daughter go on a date with somebody who makes a reservation for one. It could have been a reservation for two. Yeah. And it wasn't, you know why? I should have opened with that.

Yeah. I'm on reservations about you. Oh. So anyway, we should hang up the library some more. Also, stop having dinners with our parents and not inviting me. You lived across the country. Yeah. And I could have flown there. Speaking of restaurants, go on before Ella goes to work, Isaac brings her to get

$23 burritos. They kiss again after eating the burrito. God, that maybe that's their kink. Maybe they're just stinky breath people. He literally says does my breath taste like Chipotle. He says that, he says that to her. I didn't catch that. And she says, yeah. And then he says, you're the boss again, She kisses them again. They just love dirty hands in the mouth stink mouth kink Yeah, Hallitosis. Hottie. Oh, Hallitosis. Hi coming to the CW something stinks And we're gonna get to the bottom of it. So anyway, yeah, this dude loves dirty mouths I'm just gonna continue to find the flaws in him because I'm just not happy that he's making my character look bad. So your team Isaac over

team Reed, because let's not on team Reed. Yeah, but you're implying that it's like Isaac against Eastern, but in no way would they be competing because Eastern does not have a shot with Ella. You know what? This has just all become you berating me in my lack of dating success. That's low-ang in fruit folks. Speaking of, Isaac really wants to define the relationship. Maybe he looked it up in the dictionary while he said the library. Fricking loser. Yeah, look up relationship. The definition is right there. Oh God, I wonder if Isaac knows about the internet and that you don't have to go to the library. No, you don't.

You're almost anything ever. What? What do you have to go to the library? The library's a great. Yeah, I mean, as a public service, I agree, but like, sometimes you go there to drop off a ballot or a doose, so you don't have to do it at home. Yeah, you have roommates. That or a doose. So you don't have to do it at home.

Yeah, roommates. That's a good point. I've done that during college, that was like the move. I lived across from the library, and if we had guests, I'd be like, I'll be right back and go to the Gellman library, third floor in Washington, DC. Legend has it still smells. That poop joke, that's a royal flush.

It's nice. Thank you. On this show, we call that, that's a royal flush. And that's stinky. On this show, we call that any poop joke, a royal flush. Because we have to hold ourselves accountable as high-brow comedians. By the way, your brows look great. Thanks, they're a little higher than usual. So then we find out that Ella,

although she's moved on in her life, has been keeping up with everybody through a Finsta. Finsta. Burner account. Do you have one? No. You don't? Are you lying?

No. Dude, I won't tell anyone. Just say, just admit it into the microphone. And I won't tell anyone I promise. I don't. Okay. Yes I do. Let's seek a Pharaoh.

No, that's me. I don't have a designated Finsta, but I do my comedy group has an Instagram account, Uncle Function, at Uncle Function. You do comedy? Yeah, sometimes. And I'll just use that Instagram account too, like if there's someone I want to check in on. But then I don't want to. But then I check in on.

Don't worry about it. Should your girlfriend worry about it? Oh, of course not. Okay. I'm not stalking people, but sometimes you want to look at a story and you don't want it. Oh, of course not. Okay. I'm not stalking people, but like, you know, sometimes you want to look at a story and you want, you don't want it. Yeah, sometimes you want to stalk someone. It's not stalking. You just want to follow someone surreptitiously. And so they don't know that you're watching their every move. It's not stalking. It is

kind of stalking, but I'm going to let elegant away with it because I think this is a brilliant way for the writers to Give us exposition in a fun way tell us what everyone's up to get us caught up Like Easton for instance having the best year of his life. That's quotes. Although do we believe it? I don't know He does shout it while he's jumping out of an airplane Yeah, that would not be the best thing in my life. I would you do it? You would never have got it? Nope. Why not? Because there's not enough toilet paper in the world to clean up the mess that would happen.

Why would you clean up a squished dead body on the ground with toilet paper? Don't understand. No, I was saying I would defecate myself out of fear. Am I? Thank you. Could you imagine being strapped to like something like a professional? Yeah, and you're showing down three two one jump. Sorry Man that happens though. Yeah, like those guys. I would do it. I would skydive what shit on your instructor or skydive

I would skydive. Oh, but. But skydive doesn't scare me. What scares me? More than almost anything. Commitment. Other than commitment is hot air balloons. Hot air balloons. Hot air balloons. Those scare the shit out of me.

That's weird. Why is that weird? Why is that weird that I don't want to be in a wicker basket made of wood attached to a fabric balloon that is being steered by nothing and controlled by fire. That's an insane thing. Yeah. The Wizard of Oz got totally blown off course in his

and what if that happened to us? Actually, also, you might have been too young, but I don't know if you remember this, when we were younger and a hot air balloon landed in our backyard. I do remember that. Because we lived near a school and it missed. It was supposed to land at the school and it missed and it landed in our little backyard. And everything caught on fire.

No, it didn't. But that was terrifying. Like to see a giant balloon just coming down in your backyard. Yeah, at two miles per hour. Why is that terrifying grow up, dude? Wow, rude. Hey guys, it's Emma. You know we're all about a mercifixion podcast here at Diversion So I want to tell you about a brand new scripted pod that just dropped called Bad Influencer. Bad Influencer takes you deep into the glitzy, glamorous, and sometimes downright scandalous

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uncovering the petty and dramatic sides of people who will stop at nothing to beat their opponents. From something else in Sony Music Entertainment, listen to fierce rivalries on Apple Podcasts Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back! Okay, we were talking about stalkers. Ella has a stalker. Ella does have a stalker.

There's someone following her. In a black car, tinted windows. At the transition since 5 a.m. dedicated stalker. Yeah. He's definitely a morning person. I'm assuming he's a he. Maybe that's not fair. Yeah, seriously, dude.

Come on, who's side of you on? I don't know. It could be Brooke. It could be Dana. Dana. Dana. You don't even know the show. But anyway, she has a stalker. Kind of hot, I don't know.

Having a stalker is not hot, you freak. Okay. Someone following you, that would be so scary, especially if they're following you in a hot air balloon. The guys not following her, not air balloon. You can't trust a stalker and a hot air balloon. Wait, isn't that what China did to us basically? That is just surreptitious.

There are spy balloons in hot air balloon. I mean, that because there I see you, you're in a brightly colored gigantic balloon in the sky. I listen, Claire, I listen, Claire. Wait, hold on. I'm coming down. Wait, just wait there Listen Claire, listen Claire. Wait, hold on, I'm coming down. Wait, just wait there. Wait, one second. Give me 20 more minutes. I'll be right. Actually, could you go time this rope around that tree and pull me in? So I could get a good shot. Yeah.

But yeah, she has a stalker, which just adds to, you know, the list of crap she has to deal with. Because while she's dealing with that, she's also using this fence to catch up on everybody. And it's not good stuff. No. Valzen bad shape, real bad shape. She's saying, you know, high school's lonely, she's depressed. Savannah seems to be doing good. She's like a yogi now.

Yeah, that's cool. Read, read, not doing so great It yeah, no, he's not at first. It seems like he is because he's doing well in water polo But that's the magic of social media. That's true. It hides it is the great societal mask it that covers our true feelings But yeah, he's not doing too well, but I think Ella also is not doing too well. You know, she's scrolling, doom scrolling through old pictures of them. You ever see that meme? It was like, iPhones will just go ahead and make a montage of the saddest years of your life. That is true.

Yeah. Those are my favorite. It's like, hey, here's an album of you and your ex. Tim Cook, What a jerk. I had one of like, here's you with bread. Who's bread? My best friend. He's so good with butter on him. Bread pit. Bread pit does not eat bread. That's for sure. Look at those abs. Okay. Then we have the bet my favorite part of this episode, which is the flashback with Ella's mom. Yeah, who is Kind of unhinged in her behavior. Yeah, like she's taking her teenage daughter on a trip with her To dump all of her exes shit on his front lawn

Yeah, and she's using it as a teaching lesson to be like, this is how we deal with our problems. We throw their things on the lawn. Also, I'm going to die very soon. She doesn't say that. She does say that. She does allude to it. Yeah, she's like kind of immature.

She's like, I'm going to die and I suck at being a mom. Yeah. And also, why would you not keep his stuff? Yeah, or sell it or burn it or give it away. I like to imagine this guy's name, I think his name was Jim. She left it all there and unbeknownst to him people, just we're shopping like I saw it was a yard sale.

So all of this stuff was out there. And he made so much money. So much money. Thank you, Mrs. Sinclair. Yeah, she's on hand. She's not a good mom, not a good mom. I don't want to judge moms, but no, yeah, we don't want to judge the mom.

And she is going through a very tough time. She's sick. Maybe she's not thinking straight, but not a good moment. Also, like, can't spell mom without moment. It's true. I think a more powerful move would be not give it stuff back at all. Because like now this guy's like, oh, someone brought all my stuff back to me. That's so nice. You saved me a trip. What a lovely gesture. Maybe we should get back together. No, I understand the back to them. Yeah, I understand the need to get rid of reminders. You know, always something that to remind me.

I don't know. Do we have the rights of that song? We do now. I just called. Just called. They said you own it. Yeah. And we will give it back to them on their front lawn.

They said we heard you sing it and we don't want anything to do with that song anymore. It is now yours. So that's your favorite part of the episode. You know what my favorite part of the episode was and it's for reasons you wouldn't expect. Tell me. The fact that Ella is a bikini barista. Uh-huh. Yep.

So I'm assuming that means you just wear a bikini and you serve coffees. You shouldn't have to assume. They explicitly say that. Yeah, but I like to assume. Yeah, because it makes you better. So why is that your least favorite part? Not my least favorite part. I think it's very funny because I'm thinking like,

what did the health inspectors say when he walked in and he just sees loose skin everywhere? Everywhere. Also, I love the idea that you can wear almost nothing on your body, but you do have to wear a hair net. And non-slip shoes. Yeah, just crocs and like a tiny little two piece.

Have you ever worked in a, like a cafe or served coffee or anything? Yeah. Have you ever made aspressos? Yeah. So how many hot objects are sticking out? Yes. Steam, blowing steam, boiling hot milk. I can't be cold water. Worse to wear than nothing. Yeah. It's wildly crazy. And also, there's no way they're making good coffee there. It's just

no way. It's also funny like I hope the employees don't drink the coffee, which is basically just also like if you water yeah you just like yeah oh yeah that's true like it's a diuretic. Yeah I have a like a cup of coffee and like immediately I'm like I want to write thank you notes to every teacher I've ever had. And two seconds later, I was like, I want to go to the bathroom and never leave. So I would not- What would you write a thank you note, too? Every teacher I ever had. Every single one.

No, I'm just saying that's the feel I have when I, my first sip of coffee and then it's all downhill from there like the energy and the excitement energy in the room is electric when I have my first sip but Sugar and spice man. What a freaking business model and you know You know they're gonna have some interesting fellers coming in there. Yeah, I like the wife at home I like you're going to get another coffee in there. Yeah. I like the wife at home. You're going to get another coffee. Let me get it. No, honey, I got it. I'll get the coffee this morning and this afternoon and this evening. Okay. He's so good to me. You know, he always goes and gets coffee and then he comes home and he's in the restroom for his 20 minutes. And then he starts yelling at me again. Okay, speaking of yelling, this is another stalker siding outside of Sugar and Spice,

Bikini Barista bar. The stalker's out there and this time Ella runs and he chases after her. This actually might be my favorite part of the episode when he just screams out her name, Alice and Claire four times, first and last name. As though there's maybe other Ellas running through the Oakland streets. The way he's chasing. He's chasing. Ellison Claire, Ellison Claire. It's like, bro, just shorten it up.

Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella. We have the rights of that song. We do now. Rihanna just called me. I sent it to voicemail because she knows what she did. So after the stalker runs and chases Ella down the street, we see what Reed is really up to.

Yeah. Why? Because she set an alert to her phone so that she knows every time Reed goes live. Which is, I didn't know you could do. Okay, I'm hidden the old man alarm. No! Yeah. Yeah. You're so fucking old.

Let me explain to our listeners, old man alarm is something we are going to be using when one of us sounds like an old out of touch boomer. There's a big button right near where we're recording and if someone sounds like they're a big old man or a big old fart or has to ask a question about something they don't understand, we press that alarm. Damn it. I was hoping I could get through that. Could you even get through the first episode with that old man alarm?

I know, you're just too damn old. Damn. Have you ever gone live on Instagram or by accident once? Really? Yeah. My friend does this thing now. It's my favorite thing.

Every time the Bron James goes live, he'll just comment. And sesamely, because the Bron James goes live now to pick at football games, like the winners of football games every Sunday And he just comments like hello. Well. Well. Where do you live? Hello? Well, well, well, what's your address seriously? Hello. Well, well, well, do you think I'm funny? Any screenshots of all that is so funny. I think it's so funny. I've never gone live

But you know when you're on Instagram and someone goes live, there's a drop down notification on your Instagram. Sometimes I'll think it was like someone so sent you a message or commented on your thing, so I'll click it. And then for only one live room and you're the only one there. And then you sort of have to stick around and go, oh, hey, Chris, and you're like, oh, I don't want to hear

anything you have to say. Yeah. You know who you oh, hey, Chris. And you're like, oh, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Yeah. You know who you are, Rihanna. But he went, yeah, yeah. So this is when I went live and read his all hammer drunk. Yeah, I'm a failure. I fucked up. I fucked everything up.

Let me tell you, acting drunk is really hard. Yeah. My friend was talking about this. He said his trick is to consciously think about every single word he's saying as he's speaking them. And that will make you sound drunk. Because when you're our drunk, you're trying so hard to not sound drunk. Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah. You know, you never booked a job. Let's get him on season three. If there is one, you know what I do that helps me with drunk acting. Get drunk before you do it. I get hammered drunk in the green room. Yeah. And then the alcohol makes you you act like you're drunk. Yeah. No, you get really cold liquids or like an ice cube and you just like put an ice cube in your mouth for, you know, some of your Tom go and make your tongue gum goes numb. And so then you have to really over and none see it.

Yes, the happener you want, I had to give a big speech at college and I was so nervous I kept drinking water before it and it was ice water and my tongue went numb. Oh God. And then it was my time to talk and I, I like really at our time. What was the speech for?

It was for my fraternity. So Reed goes live, we hear him him he's drunk. He's miserable Do you do you have a problem with the fact that Reed actually Wasn't the one going live. He didn't know he was going live his friends were filming him having this breakdown Yeah on his phone how terrible is that? Yeah, it's messed up, but that's high school, dude But it's not just high school. It's like a huge trend. People just filming confrontations and stuff doing nothing to help.

Yeah. I'm always shocked when I see like Karen videos on Instagram where it's like, how did you have the mental acuity to open your phone and record in this moment while like someone's throwing a latte at a, you know, victorious secret? and record in this moment while someone's throwing a latte at a Victoria secret. Also, how does everyone always have so much storage space?

On battery life. Battery life, dude. Yeah. We gotta get better at this. But yeah, his friends, not cool, but who is cool? Eastern comes and saves the day. You know what's interesting is, we haven't met a lot of Reed's friends, or Easton's.

In fact, I don't know if we've met any of them. No, it's not really about us. That's true. Until episode six. That's true. That's a great episode. We'll get there. Stick with us folks.

If we're not getting there before then. Okay, so Ella's all distraught because she sees Reed is really, really hurt. Yeah. And then things get worse for Ella because what happens? She confronts her stalker. Stalker's back. This is the biggest badass move Ella has done, I think, in the whole series.

She's on her way to dinner with Isaac. She's in the Uber. She sees the stalker. She says, I've had enough. She tells the Uber driver this, this like teenage girl, can you just like wait back while I go confront the stalker? Yeah, could you imagine me that Uber driver and be like, no.

Yeah, I have another ride waiting for me. I've gotta go. Yeah, I don't, don't bring me into your thing. The Ella marches up to this dude and pepper sprays him in the eyes. Yeah. That's wild. That is wild. Have you ever been pepper sprayed?

No, but I own pepper spray. Really, have you ever used it? I have never used it on a human. You used it on a small puppy, didn't you? Sorry, Rihanna. That's three. That's the comedy rule of three folks. I have I've used it just to like To make sure it works because I used to work late at night downtown at a restaurant and I'd have to walk to my car

And it was kind of scary so I was like I'm gonna get a knife and I was like what would I ever do with a knife? I would never use a knife. I will like, what would I ever do with a knife? I would never use a knife. I will, hopefully. Hopefully you never have to use pepper spray. These are called the Turin Snick. Yeah. Let me tell you something about the mutually assured destruction theory. Yeah, someone just saw up and I remember politics.

Okay, so she sprays the shit out of him. She learns where he's coming from. He's like, hey, I'm just here to give you a letter. But also does this guy not know how mail works? Like, why didn't he just give it to her or just go into the place of work where he was stalking her? This guy is a loyal, loyal, loyal employee of Calum.

The letter's of Calum. The letters from Calum. Now this guy's been driving around Oakland, chasing this girl from Bikini Barista bars to the train station to now this restaurant, to give her a letter. Do you think he's opened it? Just to like look at what it is. I don't think he opened it,

but I think he did that thing where you hold it up to the light and you try and read it like a little bit. Yeah. You see through the envelope. Yeah. Is that what you do? After you stock people using your comedy groups Instagram. Yeah.

Well, everyone knows if you really want to learn the deepest-darkest secrets about people, it's reading their physical snail mail. That's where the good stuff is. I am a little more than that. Every time I send his pre-approved for $200 rewards, it's a chase bank. Yeah. Oh my God, this person has a lessons

opening up down the street from them. Lassons is a... No one cares. So she opens up this letter. This poor, poor driver didn't read it. Well, you know, he's not going to be reading anything. We're a long time. We've got a faithful, chemical irritant in the eyeballs, which is so funny because the episode

ends with her asking him for a ride. It's like, sure. Yeah. Can I ever ride at the airport immediately? Just, that's how that series ends. Yeah. In a fiery crash because Ella forced the man with zero eyes to drive into the airport. So I laughed, I laughed at that.

I shouldn't have laughed because the reason she asked him for a ride is sad and touching, but very funny. Like the last person I would want to give me a ride is sad and touching, but very funny, like the last person I would want to give me a ride is someone whose eyes, especially when there's an Uber driver. I know, which many girls have just been waiting. That's so funny. Also it would be funny if she was like,

can you bring me the airport? And he was like, fuck you! Yeah. Yeah. You just ruined my eyes. My cornyas are seared to the core. Yeah. I have a quick caveat.

What kind of name is Calum? You know, that's a great question. It sounds like, I think I remember like early on and season one of your recording, everyone had to be told how to pronounce it. Yeah, because it was like Calum. Yeah, or Calum. Calum, yeah, calum, which

sounds like a scientific term, like you would like a plaque that would build up and you know, like something you need to get removed. Yeah, from your esophagus. Yes, like so there is a huge deposit of calum that is gathered on the torsius, dominatrius. Did you study that at university? I studied that at university. Wow Yeah, so Callum maybe I can't I can't sing tonight. I got a column Yeah, and when I lift ways I got big columns on my head Arm in the guy plays Callum what a voice that guy has it's silky smooth. It's so We got to get we're gonna get him on. Yeah, we're gonna get him on. I just volunteered him. He's such a nice guy. He's really nice. Yeah, and it's so funny that he's like two years older than me. Yeah,

plays my father read this. I mean, just listen and then read that that letter. It uh, silky smooth. Yeah. Hey guys, it's Emma. You know we're all about a mercifixion podcast here at Diversion, so I want to tell you about a brand new scripted pod that just dropped called Bad Influencer. Bad Influencer takes you deep into the glitzy, glamorous, and sometimes downright scandalous world of social media influencers. And follows Sarah Sawyer, a one-in-be-nobody that makes a wish and wakes up a famous influencer and a penthouse in New York only to find yourself caught up in non-stop scandals and drama. It features an amazing cast of actors plus appearances by real-life celebrities and influencers like Dumois, Kristen Doty from Vanderpump, Perez, Hilton, and Kristi Carlson

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still in classes. At Northeastern, my job isn't just to teach. It's to connect our graduate students to real opportunities. I'm not only uneducative, I'm an alumni. My coordination with Northeastern is to find find talent and that talent could be you. Learn more at northeastern.edu slash you. Northeastern University, you activated by experience. So, Elle is on her way back. Val is super depressed.

Yeah. Going live. Yeah, she goes live. And she just rips Elle. She drags Elle. Yeah. going live. Yeah, she goes live. She just rips out. She drags Ellen's ass. And Tam. And name checks her and is like, sorry, girl. You ghosted me. You ghosted me. You are dead to me. I was abandoned by someone I love.

And I think Ellen doesn't really know how much she means to people. And... Well, how could she? Her mom took her to Jim's house to drop off old clothes. You hate Ella's mom. I do. Okay, so recap.

Everyone's breasts thinks like shit. What if instead of Pepper's Bri on the stoner, Ella just breathes in his eyes. And he's like, oh, oh, Chipotle, it's the Pascal. Yeah, and then Isaac runs out of the restaurant. He does more. Yeah, it's a green exploded. He just passes out. And then they tie his lifeless body to the steering wheel

and make him drive up to the airport. And the episode ends with the Uber Joe. Can I go now? She just loyally sits there and gives Ella one star. Rider made me sit for eight hours. She maced a man with her own bad breath. So Ella's heading home. She's going back to Malibu.

Yeah, but she's not doing it for the royals. She's doing it for Val. She's doing it for Val and she's doing it for her. Yeah. I mean, I think you're totally right. Do you know, I usually am. It's strong accord when she said she was a band because that's all L has ever been

or have at least felt like abandoned. But how exciting that, I mean, in one episode, you gotta give credit to the writers because they caught us up on what had happened. They gave us sort of like insight to all of our main players, what they've been up to, and they engineer a way for Ella to get back to Malibu and create a love triangle all in one episode.

It's a lot. It is a lot. It is also the season so nicely, because it's like, oh wow, we've got a lot of stuff. To cover, to cover. Yeah. It's a the season so nicely because it's like oh wow. We've got a lot of stuff to cover to cover Yeah, it's a it's a fun season and they did such a great job again and out quick We have they pumped it you pumped it out in like six months. Yeah, like Rihanna With her second baby. That's true, right? She was pregnant immediately if Rihanna if you're watching and I know you are

She was pregnant immediately if Rihanna if you're watching and I know you are We're big fans we are All right Nick we're getting toward the end so you know what that means oh, I sure do it is time for the royal decree The world decree is a segment we are going to end every episode with where both Nick and I offer our hot take of the week It could be about anything that's sort of been annoying at us or bothering us So Nick do you want to start us off? What is your royal decree this week? I will start us off I'm gonna I'm gonna take an issue with the length of movies recently so I am going to make a royal decree, any movie under the two-hour mark has an automatic five points added to its rotten tomato score. And then every time it is

10 minutes under two hours, it gets an additional one point. Do you have a specific movie in mind that's been bothering you? I mean, it's just every movie when I'm scrolling through I'm seeing the time lengths of like two and a half hours, three hours and I just can't stay up that long. I liked Oppenheimer, I didn't love it. Is it because of the length? It felt like it was two movies that it didn't have to be two movies. The first half felt like it was two movies that it didn't have to be two movies.

The first half felt like it was like a Wikipedia entry that was really high budget. And then the second half felt like a really expensive episode of Law and Order. Now I love Chris Nolan. I thought it was really impressive, but was like, it was well done. It was very well done, but it was just like,

I don't know if anything's good enough to be that long. No. Three minutes. Or if it's good enough to be that long. No. Three minutes. Or if it is, put an intermission in. Like they did with the Godfather part too. Yes. Or P-Breaks. Like, there should just be like a title card that's like, now go P.

With there's the sound of somebody pissing over a black screen. To help you. Yeah, I mean, we went to Killers of the Flower Moon this week. Yeah. Great movie. Too long. Three and a half hours. Fantastic movie. But way too long. Way too long.

Way too long. And this might be a hot take. I don't think any comedy movie needs to be longer than 90 minutes. Don't tell Judd Appetiteau, and I know he's listening to this because he's a huge fan of the content. I won't tell him. I won't tell him because I'm pretty confident that they'll never work with me. Well, not with that attitude. Judd, we love you. We love you so much, dude. This is 40, it was way too long. Um, okay, good to Cree, Nick. How about you? What's your royal decree? Here's my royal decree.

I decree that we need a break from Taylor Swift. Oh, shoot. I know. Here's the thing. I love Taylor Swift. I have so much admiration for her as an artist and a business woman. I think she is brilliant. She is just overexposed right now. And I don't blame her.

I mean, a little bit. But she has infiltrated every aspect of culture and life in a way that I have never seen before and it's exhausting and people are going to start turning against her. And so I think out of love and respect and protection for her, she does need your protection. She has said that. She's always been clamoring for it. She needs just to take a vacation.

Take a vacation, girlie. Well, is she not allowed to go watch a football game that her boyfriend is in? It's not her fault. She should absolutely be able to watch a football game. I blame the people who are obsessed with it, but she's created this monster in this machine. Like, I saw online at the chiefs game, like these people in amazing seats spent the entire game turned around facing the box that she was in and filming her and They were missing a great football game. That's true And how once again do they have the storage in the battery life to film her that entire time? I think you need a new phone is the big takeaway from this episode. Yeah

Yeah, that's true. Well your birthday's coming up in 10 months. We'll get you one. Okay, that's been Royal Decree. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Royal Decree. Alright, so that's it for us this week. Thank you so much for listening to the very first episode of The Royal Boys. This has been so much fun. We hope you've had a good time. Special shout out to Rihanna, Judd Apertau, and Taylor Swift, we appreciate you listening. Yes, and we hope to work with you again in the future, because I'm counting this as working with you. Join us next week, we'll talk about Episode 2,

Season 2, Episode 2. Maybe you have a special guest. Maybe. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Also, on Instagram, send us your fan questions. If you have anything you want us to talk about on the pod, maybe we'll do it. Thoughts, questions, insults directed towards Chris,

anything you want. I can take it. All right, bye. Bye-bye. you