The Royals of Malibu - THE ROYAL BOYS E3 - Spray Tans and Sports Fans w/ Eilise Patton

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

Listen as Chris, Nick, and special guest Eilise Patton (@itseilisepatton) discuss everything from Episode 3 tea to Dumbledore to Chris' experience as a D1 athlete (sorta).Every Monday, brothers Chris and Nick Cafero (who play Reed and Easton respectively) will sit down and chat all things Royals season 2, starting with episode 1. Listen along as they rehash each episode, tell stories, and even bring on guests to discuss the Royal tea. **LISTEN TO EACH NEW EPISODE OF THE ROYAL BOYS ONE WEEK EARLY ON PATREON** • Follow [The Royals of Malibu on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/theroyalsofmalibu/) • Follow [The Royals of Malibu on TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@theroyalsofmalibu) • Explore more: [diversionaudio.com](https://diversionaudio.com)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Real quick, and then I'll shut up so you can listen to the episode, but I wanted to tell you guys about an exciting new update this season, and I promise you you're going to want to hear of this one. The Royal's of Malibu is now on Patreon. Can't wait for the next episode? Well, if you subscribe to our Patreon for only $5 a month, you get access to the newest episodes one week before everyone else. We'll also have a lot of fun behind the scenes bonus episodes, polls like our U-Team Read or Team Isaac, Q&A's, discussion rooms, and much, much more.

Scripts to future unreleased episodes will also be available for purchase. Go to patreon.com slash the royals of Malibu for early access to new episodes and much more. That's patreon.com slash the royals of Malibu. I'll see you there. Hey, I'm Chris Cafferro. And I'm Nick Cafferro. We are real-life brothers who play fake-life brothers, read and east and royal on the hit podcast The Royals of Malibu. On this companion podcast, we'll be doing a deep dive in each episode given behind the scenes insights, talking to some special guests, and maybe even having some laughs along the way.

Welcome to The Royal Boys. Hey, Nick. Chris, we're back. We're back, dude. This is our third episode. Third time's a charm. If people are still listening, thank you so much for still listening.

I love it. You know what? I would love now that this is the third episode because things happen in threes. I would love to start getting some feedback, you know, hearing from people. What do you think of the show guys? Thank you so much for listening. We're having a lot of fun doing this. Yeah, we'd really love to hear from both of you.

And so please tune in. Find us online. We'll answer some questions. We'll try to adjust where we're falling short. The whole thing. Yeah. How you been feeling, Nick? I've been good.

I've been good. I got over a cold, which is good. Been busy, which is great. How about you? I've been okay. I gotta be honest. This is my first sort of turn of the seasons living in LA. Like it should be fall right now and it's not,

it's like 80 degrees, which is weird. I'm not complaining, it's just weird. And I've always... I am complaining, I'll complain for you. It's tough because I mean, I think I've said this already, but I've been here nine years and it does not feel that way because there's no seasons. Right, it's just sort of like one long monotonous, you know, season. this already, but I've been here nine years and it does not feel that way because there's no seasons. Right.

It's just sort of like one long monotonous, you know, season. Yeah, just wait, wait till it starts to get closer to the holidays. I know you've spent the holidays here, but when you're here, like a couple months in advance of that and then the holidays just show up, but you didn't have that seasonal change, you just, you start to question your faith. I felt that way with my birthday where people were like your birthday is coming up and I was like no it's not it's 90 degrees yeah there's no way it's my birthday and now my birthday is coming on and it's gonna be Thanksgiving yeah you forgot my birthday. Well I thought it was May. It's gonna be May. Do we on the right side that song? We do

now. Hey, I think we should keep our under a short because we have a really funny episode and we have a really funny guest. Yeah. You want to get right to it? I think we should. Alright, let's do it. We are so lucky to be joined today by a hysterical woman.

She is of great TikTok fame, huge on Instagram, so funny, a dear friend of mine, Miss Elise Patton. Elise? Hello. Hi guys. Thanks for being with us. I'm so happy to be here through the laptop. Yeah, it's awesome. We're so excited. You're so funny. You're a member of the Grandling Sunday company. You are you, John Tiktok have a big following. I know you're going to be like, Oh, it's pretty it's pretty big. Yeah, keep going. Yeah, that's all good. stuff. Thank you. She looks great. She just got a spray tan. This girl is killing it. I did. I just got a spray tan. Wait,

why'd you get a spray tan? I actually just got a spray tan because I had honestly a week from hell. And then I was like, I have a couple, you know, I have a couple parties this weekend that I'm going to. And I was like, might as well be golden. And you know what, the girl at the counter actually was like, oh, you're in TikTok.

And I was like, oh, yeah, whatever. Little did I know she was the one who was going to spray me. So then I had to get fully nude in front of her. So then we bonded in that way as well. So wait a second. So that's how you got all your followers. Exactly. So wait exactly. She sprayed you by hand. Is that a machine? She does. Yeah. A lot of these places they have their nice stuff and then because the machines are kind of like that's a little bit cheaper. You could pay like 30 bucks to go in the machine, whatever. I mean, not

that I also do that sometimes a few quicker. But most of the time now, it's a person who sprays you by hand. So you get fully nude and they are there, they're they're looking in in every crevice. Oh wow. I wonder how many people have opted to not use the machine because of that friends episode with Ross. You know what I'm talking about? Like when he keeps doing it wrong and turning around and he gets like six shades of it all on this front side. On the one side, yeah. That's happened to me too. It's very confusing too because you really have to listen up and they'll say, feet on

one, two, feet on three, four. So you're kind of in like a twister situation and it's always like a kind of a sketch you play suit. There could be like, I always think's always like and kind of a sketchy place who there could be like I always think there's like cameras looking in. I don't know. I don't like this It's like dance dance revolution Very much that vibe. I once did a machine twice in a row to get to have that like Ross effect because We were having in college a Jersey Shore party and so I did it twice and it smelled so bad. Yeah, the booths are not like great.

Now that's why they have this now, place now. This place is like with the hand and person cause it has like coconut oil, like it smells really good. So that's also a draw. But the other stuff is like, yeah, it'll give you, it's really tough. I am notoriously pasty.

So you will never catch me at one of those places. I should take you there. You should go there, Nick. I think you would really enjoy it. Yeah. I had an acting teacher once. It's like, you need to get a tan. I almost feel like I shouldn't,

because I think I'm so pale that maybe it would like really kind of differentiate me in the casting world. But I'm actually not at that place in my life. So I keep sometimes going. So one time I was getting some new headshots taken and I was like, okay, I'm going to get just a light spray tan just to have like a little bit of a glow to me. So I, because it was in the middle of winter and I was looking pasty. And so I got it done and it looked good.

But you know, for men when you're getting your headshots, you want some some unshaven and some clean shape. Oh, no. So I went with like a beard and I brought all my shaving stuff. So we did some pictures with the stubble and then I went into the bathroom and I shaved. And like I took off all the, the spray tan stuff. And I just had like pasty outline of a beard that we had to fix and fix and post.

Do you think that's the reason you've never booked a job? I know you're talking to Elise because you're born. I hope you're talking to me because that's true. No, it's not true. We actually, Elise recently was cast as, quote, chief tick talker on Fruit of the Looms huge the fruit people rebranding. You remember the fruit people on Fruit of the Looms huge the Fruit People rebranding. You remember the Fruit People from Fruit of the Loom? I do.

They're rebranding it, they're rebooting it, and at least is like the star of these ads. I know, I saw it, it popped up on, I don't know if it was Instagram or my TV, and I jumped out of my chair like I do, anytime I see a friend on TV, so excited, because booking anything is impossible. So congratulations. Literally. Thank you. I audition for that commercial. Not that part. I audition for the leaf. And I don't know if you're familiar with fruit of the

loom or if you guys just free ball it. But I think it what there's a leaf. There's a leaf. There's a purple grape, a green grape, and an apple. Yeah, so when I went to the audition, all the women that were going for purple grape are there. And so they were all dressed up as purple grapes. It was just very funny. No banana, huh? Feels like a minute of opportunity. 100%.

And there's a leaf? Question mark? Yeah. I need a peach, an eggplant, and a squirting water emoji. But it was kind of a bit of a scary side at the audition thing. I mean, I, I, I will say like it was such a fun job. Everyone on it was so great.

But when I went to the audition, there was so many, everyone I run into in this town is like, I went out for the apple, I went out for whatever. And it was the room was like, I was like, is everyone okay? Because there was all these adults on long benches in fruit costumes, like sweating, like everyone wanted it so bad.

And I was like, is, are we all right? And like the fact that everyone was like, and some people went all out, like there was really people in Apple costumes, there was really, Shordy got them Apple, bottom jeans. Do we on the right side? That's all?

We do now. At least that makes me think that they provided their own costumes, right? These weren't given out by casting. These people purchased, assembled, and showed up in their own costumes with their MFA's and their student loan debt. Yeah, that was something. I was like, and it was all, it was so packed and just all these different fruits. I was like, what it was all, it was so packed and just all these different fruits. I was like,

what kind of party city, where, where the costumes from? What is happening here? Is there a return policy? I just didn't know. And, you know, God bless to everyone who went out for the fruits. I don't think there was as many people who went out for my part. I will, to be fair, I think the fruits were more competitive. So. Well, what do you say we, we get into the episode. I'd love that. Let's do it. Well, what do you say we get into the episode? I'd love that. Let's do it. Well, first of all, at least, what are your first impressions of your time with the royals? You listened to the episode before this, where we're on episode three.

Yes. Titled, do not dim my sparkle. Sure. What do you think? You listen to this at a context, correct? 100%. think you listen to this add a context correct? 100% all I've seen is so many of the clips of Nick on TikTok being like fuck it I want you or whatever the line was so that I was like okay like let's get into it I was thrilled to listen and then yeah I quickly caught. I do like that they kind of call out

because there's so much like this love, all these love triangles and like, that's my baby ear, like, and he had those fuck me eyes. I was like, it was just crazy. I was really, it was really enjoyable. I need to go back and now like get caught up because I need to kind of know like how we got here.

But also it was giving me a little like gossip girl, like she was gone somewhere is what I got. And everyone like did they not know where she was? And now she's back. And there's like, there's just like a lot. She seems to be kind of the it girl is what I got. And like they were also rich that like that was also fun. I love anything about rich people.

Yeah, Ella went away. She came back to Malibu. She had to leave. And in this episode, you know, she's got a lot of drama going on as you said. So we start with her on a peloton, which I could totally relate to, you know. I knew. I thought it was going to be you. When I heard those sounds, I go, is this Nick on the peloton? Yeah, that's my like, that's my escape. Although I will say when I do do peloton, I don't go to the instructors, like the one that she had.

The fake Peloton instructor in this episode was named Brody, and he's like, you know, don't dim your sparkle on stuff. I can't work out and be listening to that kind of motivation. I mean, it's great for some people, for me, it's not. Like I can't be like sweating, looking, discussing, and have some be like, you're perfect, you're an angel. Like keep going.

And like, no, I'm not. Would you prefer someone just like, limp past the end? Well, yes, I would love that, a kinkler. But I would, I would actually prefer is there's one guy's name's Matt Wilper's who's like all about the science of exercise. It's boring, but that's what I like. So, stop judging me, all right.

It's freaking down to you like how your bones work and stuff. Like is that what is happening? Take Peloton class with Neil deGrasse Tyson, who's like teaching you. Going through moon cycles. Real quickly, I do want to shout out the voice actor who plays Brody, the Peloton instructor, is actually our esteemed producer, Ashton,

who is so incredible at what he does. He is one of the most organized, efficient people. Like he's the one who kept us all on track throughout the whole recording and the fact that he was able to like get in and do this, this little role was great. And also he's like a physical specimen. Like he's jacked and so fit so it was like a perfect I could tell that wrong. I already knew. You could tell from his voice. Yeah. What what body typed as my voice give off tired. I don't think you want the answer to that question. It's so crazy that you guys are playing high schoolers right? Like That's right. So, very different from our high school experience. It's totally different.

I'm like the fact that you got, and the pep rallies and whatever, I'm like, I wanna go to whatever school. It's giving like PC, what is it, PCA? Like the Zoe 101 kind of school, Pacific Coast Academy. You got your, oh. That's the old model one right there.

That's the old model one. Yeah. You're so fucking old. Zoe 101 is Jamie Lynn Spears, right? You got your own that's old man right there. That's old man. Yeah You're so fucking old. Zoe 101 is Jamie Lynn Spears, right? Yes You guys are like oh is that a sign filter? What that? That's a right thing. I know if it wasn't on Frazier. We're not gonna get it. Oh James burrows direct one of those episodes. I think they just did a reboot like Zoe 102 or Zoe 201 Oh, did they? Is she with childhood? I hope so.

Who knows? But anyway, great transition for the pepper alley. Because that's where Elvis going back to. She's going back to school. Her school is called the COVID Academy. It's a college preparatory school. And the day she goes back is spirit day. There's a big pepper alley rally and they make you wear

the pep rally clothes, which I was like, that feels like really aggressive. That was my biggest takeaway and she got in, she got detention for not wearing like whatever, which I went to a school where you had to wear a uniform. Okay, Rich. And you would get in trouble if you were out of uniform, you know, and then in this, it was actually okay Rich. And you would get in trouble if you were out of uniform. And then in this, it was actually the opposite. And it was crazy to me. She got detention for not wearing it. And just every person she passed by,

I was like, new up here, like Jersey. Like every single person was also reminding her of the thing that she had to wear. I was like, this is some sort of weird cult school, I guess. I felt the exact same way. See, here's the thing. I love that. I love it.

A couple things for my past that will color this. First of all, so when I was a freshman in high school, we had a pet rally, and that's when they announced like homecoming king and queen for the seniors, but they had like the equivalent for each grade. So it was like homecoming king and queen, And then the juniors had prints and princess, soft more said Duke and Duchess. And then the freshman had Lord and Lady. And I was elected Lord of my freshman class.

Wow. Very subtle flex. Alvin downhill from there. Yeah, it was I was Duke. Were you do my sophomore year and I was prom king Were you really I was prom princess? But I did have I had 27 people in my graduating class so that helped oh 430 wait Nick you were the homecoming queen king

Queen no, I was I was Prom King and then Homecoming Duke, my sophomore year. You were Prom King. I don't think I knew that. Yeah, you were not my prom. I know, and I'm still bitter about it. Now they're just making up position for you guys. Duke and Lady and Lord, I don't have any of that stuff.

And you know what the song was that we danced to? Was It's The Cl climb by Miley Cyrus Which is just feels like not like a dance song? It's kind of a depressing song. They're like prepping you for the rest of your what? Yeah, they're basically like get ready because this is the best moment of your life I would have preferred if they just taught me how to do my taxes, but yeah that worked too But also Chris you were a school mascot. Yes, I was. I was my college mascot.

So you love school spirit. Is it so sweaty in there? It is so sweaty. So I went to George Washington University and I was George Washington. So we had this big costume in the head. And there was like, it was relatively new costume. So it had a fan in there, but it was pretty hot. And the reason I'm jealous of this pet rally

in this episode is because my school did not have any school spirit. And so I had to, as mascot, I had to go to all these games and events and try to get everyone pumped up and keep it going, but nobody gave it to you. No, and when you were a mascot, people treat you like you're subhuman. And because like, you know, so like they punch you in the balls and they like hit you and you like, you know, your therapy session is in a couple hours.

It is not right now. I just want to remind you of that. So just want to. I need to open up very specific to you. This is not to be like what you get a Nobel Peace Prize for because that is, did you get paid? Or why were you doing this to yourself? No, yeah. We, you got a spirit scholarship. What is that? What is a spirit? It It was just like, they gave it to you. Just confetti, an envelope of confetti. It's like, okay, okay, Chris, in money terms, what is that?

Yeah, they gave me like five grand a year. And. Okay, that's pretty good then. Not enough. That's not enough. Well, I took it. But also as a mascot, you are a part of the spirit squad or like the cheer team. And they are considered NCAA Division I athletes. So I was technically on a Division I student

athlete scholarship. So I'm a college athlete. You win D1. I win D1. Just for our listeners out there who can't see this, he looks anything but an athlete. And that's why this is funny. We find out this entire pep rally is for the water polo team, which I mean we didn't have a water, well we didn't even have a pool anywhere near our school. It's wild. And the fact that like Eason even says, like we don't have a football team and we have a massive athletic budget. So we just throw it all out on here.

I mean, they have pyrotechnics, disco balls. Apparently a lot of disco balls too. I was like, that's so odd. Our water pool team was actually pretty, because I went to school out here. So that was more like the pool stuff was pretty big. And we didn't have a football team. But all the water polo guys, they were all so this is you. Yeah,

this is me. I'm Ella. All the guys, they were all like so hot. Like I swear, you had to be super hot to be on this team. They were like all blonde and they were all over six feet tall and super tan and they would walk through on game days or match days or whatever you call water polo things. They would walk through and like pass out flyers to game in just their speedos for like,

you know, to get people to go or whatever. And it was like actually really fucked up. Like it was like giving Abercrombie guys outside, but it worked and people would show up. So maybe that was the thing. Maybe all these guys are super hot and that's why people are there. Did you ever go to any of these games? Some of the I once did it on the water polo team who could not speak, like physically was so dumb, it would be like pulling teeth to get one

sentence out of this man. And so I would just guzzle wine when we were together. It was more of like a, you know, you go to the front party together kind of relationship. This is college or high school? College. Oh, where'd you go to college? Loyola Marymount. Oh, fun. Very nice.

Yeah. So are the royals the family or it's like the group of friends or like who you guys are the royal brothers, right? Our family, we're her step-brothers. Although she has so much love and steam for read. So that's like an in-cess situation kind of right? They're not related. They're not related. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no bring it back that I've always said that bring in says back I've always said that and you can quote me on that I got news for you if you go on certain websites she never went anywhere she's still very popular a lovin will for for stepbrother step sister I think like the most I mean

obviously they had sex but almost even more intimate than that is reed giving her one of his sweatshirts. I mean, that's a huge relationship jump to give some of your sweatshirt. And that plays a huge role in this episode because when she gets a sweatshirt, it has the perfume of another woman on it which she goes all Nancy Drew detective and tries to figure out who's that is.

But that's a very intimate thing. I mean, I used to have a girlfriend, believe it or not, and she stole a few of my sweatshirts. Yeah. Wait, Nick, that is so huge. I'm not ready. Have you stolen any of your, I mean, you're engaged now currently, so you have a fiance. Do you, do you wear his clothes? Sure.

Yeah, I buy him a lot of stuff to wear because now you know the oversized sweatshirts, it's all a fiance. Do you, do you wear his clothes? Sure. Yeah. I buy him a lot of stuff to wear because now, you know, the oversized sweatshirts, it's all the thing. So I buy a lot of stuff that I then just take. That's kind of our oversized sweatshirts. A trend. Yeah. I mean, especially they can fall, you know, you might wear oversized sweatshirt with your, you know, with your jeans or your yoga pants.

I also wear my girlfriend's clothes. Yeah. Because they're tighter and they make me look stronger than I am. Hey guys, it's Emma. You know we're all about a mercifixion podcast here at Diversion. So I want to tell you about a brand new scripted pod that just dropped called Bad Influencer. Bad Influencer takes you deep into the glitzy, glamorous, and sometimes downright scandalous world of social media influencers. And follows Sarah Sawyer, a one-in-be-nobody that makes a wish and wakes up a famous influencer and a penthouse in

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It's the perfect binge show, it's only 9 episodes total, so go follow Bad Influencer right now and take a listen when you're all caught up with your episodes of The Royals of Malibu. Get ready to dive into the world of the juiciest rivalries out there with my new show, Fear Scrivelies. I'm Delta Work and I'm joined by my co-host Kelsey Pageant. We'll take you from heated battles over trivial things to bizarre fights that span generations, uncovering the petty and dramatic sides of people who will stop at nothing to beat their opponents.

From something else, the Sony Music Entertainment listened to fierce rivalries on Apple podcasts Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. I also wear my girlfriend's clothes, because they're tighter and they make me look stronger than I am. You know how strength's T, you know how strength's T, headmaster baringer, give it off for headmaster B. I'll give it up for her, but I'm going gonna give a malibu to that transition, that forced astro-insition. You know who's T. Well, it's funny to me that she's in the office of her principal and she's pouring a cup of tea. An officer. A cup of tea. That's not that. Like, can you imagine

Mrs. Corset's just pouring a glass of tea in her office? I'd be lovely. I do think that in TV and film, there's a lot more beverages that are consumed in places where beverages aren't normally consumed. Like in succession, they're always, you know, I think, I mean, in general, I guess, like rich people pouring whiskey in their rooms. There's always like a little thing of drinks. There's a bar card in every corner of every room. And then like,

yeah, there's like principles pouring tea or there's always like people grabbing coffee. I just think it's a little, I think it's a little overdone, honestly. I know why it's like it happens. No, I was gonna say something. Oh, okay. Hold on. This is disgusting. No, listen, he's drinking as iced tea out of a straw and he looks like an absolute idiot. Oh, and now Elise is drinking some type of fizzy water. So I'm just gonna talk.

Sure. While you guys swallow your liquids. Oh my God, wait, guys, listen, Nick is drinking chocolate milk Swiss but not mixed. It's just the powder. He's chugging the Swiss Miss powder as we speak. Oh my God. He also keeps he also keeps wetting his finger

and then putting it into the Swiss mix powder and then eating it back into his mouth. Kind of like those little those candies where you, know, when this sugar stick. Yeah, it's fun dipping his Swiss. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Swiss. But yeah, I think it's it's just so funny. I'll rich this school is, but I know what you're saying that there is a lot of drinking and acting and the reason I think that is is because actors are better when they have stuff to do. A lot of actors need to be like, I don't know if this is actually true, but I always heard a rumor that an ocean's 11 Brad Pitt like is eating in every single scene because

it helped his character. Real. So I think that's a lot of it. Yeah. Like, and if I'm doing a self-tape or something, I like to do something that keeps busy because the thought of standing still and just talking like a human like I'm supposed to is pretty terrifying. Yeah.

Well, that's why, so my acting teacher does not allow us to eat in scenes for that very reason, unless it's specifically called for because. So fuck you, Nick. Yeah. You're a bad actor. No, because it can be a bit of a cop out because it's like when you're eating, there's a built in beat or a pause where you can't be speaking. And instead of just like being vulnerable in that moment and like being alone in your thoughts and in your body, some people are like, oh, let me bite an apple and like chew on it.

And it's like, no, that's a cop out. Don't do it. Live in a minute. Live in the minute they are in. That's right. Also the fact that our name is Barenjur too, because I had a friend in, I don't know, elementary school

all like from last year to when I was two. It's like all the same. So, but I had a friend growing up and their last name is Barenger and her mom let us. It was the first time I ever saw like any sort of like, you know, oh, scene when I was little and it was, was she put on ghosts? Is that what it's called ghost? Where's the pottery scene? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're all up behind each other and stuff and she left it. She left and

went to like a girl's night and she put that on and I was like, this is crazy. And then I called my mom to pick me up later. That's really funny. Yeah, it's so funny. You're barren, too. Wait, at least in your tiny little school, were you ever summoned to the principal's office? Only to do the announcements because I was class president. Oh my god. Wait a second. So are we all We have three class presidents It's the worst group ever and we're all a part of it. Ew. No one will ever know Listeners all three of us on this call were class president and our older sister, Jacqueline, also class president. And are that really?

Oh my gosh, nepotism at its finest. You're reunion or something were you seen your class president? Yeah, yeah, I forgot to plan my reunion. Although my 10 year reunion was the year of COVID. Oh, okay. So I guess we'll just do 2015 or 2015 year, 2025. Okay, yeah, you should get on that. I'm old. I specifically was not, I was president freshman year

through junior year and then my senior year, I was senior vice president so that I didn't have to plan the reunion. How noble. Oh wow. I know. But also guys you can control these kind of things when you have 27 people in your school. See you were the George Washington of your school you stepped down and passed the baton so that the nation learned to move on. Yeah that's exactly what I did. They needed it. Yeah. Hamilton. I have been summoned to the principal's office when I was in school. What did you do, Nick?

I didn't get in trouble often, but one time in elementary school, fourth grade, they caught me and my friends going on hooters.com in the computer lab. It was just a, it was just a menu for hot wings. Like it wasn't because they block all the other so there's parental controls but because it was a restaurant they let us on so we could see and we got in school suspension for going on hooters.com. That's so funny. Yeah, I would be really funny because I didn't get into the college I wanted to because of it. That's what you wanted like a star college. Yeah, I know I did.

Yeah, don't lie on this podcast, okay? Thank you. Thank you so much. You only got in off the wait list, so maybe that's why. Yeah, but also when she's in this office, she, you know, she does the whole thing where it's like,

baringer is telling her she's gonna have to repeat a grade. She's like, I'm not gonna repeat a grade, I'll drop out. So just let me take all the tests I missed and if I pass them, then I could stay a junior. First of all, could not imagine having to repeat a grade. I would be, I rate. But also, barringer is like, you have to get a cove pass, which means 80% or higher.

Well, if they have that at your little tiny, tiny little school. What is a cove? Teeny tiny little school. And why would they call it that? So the school is called the cove. And she's saying that it's their version of passing is 80 percent or higher. You know, as I asked the question, I knew the answer. So I just want to say that right now. But no, we didn't have that.

My school was like way too hard. It was, I forget what the passing thing was, but it wasn't. At a certain point, one of the schools nearby did the thing where 90 and up was all, you know what I'm talking about? Where they grouped things and it was a little bit easier to get a being, get an A, and we never got that. Yeah, like Dell Purve kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah. We didn't have any cove passes around where we were. I dealt with that. You like dealt her kind of thing? Yeah, yeah, we, no, we didn't have any cove passes around where we were. We'll say that. No, yeah, neither did we, we had metal detectors. We did. I did feel like she was being, I couldn't tell if she was being like a hard ass or if they were like kind of prioritizing mental health

because she was like, I just really want to make sure that you're mentally okay. And I was like, okay, this is like a really nice school because that is not like she kept like was like, I just really want to make sure that you're mentally okay. And I was like, okay, this is like a really nice school because that is not like she kept like being like, and she goes, I'm just not gonna sleep for two weeks. And then she was like, well, honey, please don't do that. Have some tea and take care of your mental health. I was like, okay, I love this principle.

She's been riding a dumbledore. She's... I have problems with dumbledore. I have problems with dumbledore. I have problems with dumbledore. Okay, it's there. I think he kept Harry in the dark way too much. Way too much.

He could have pulled him aside and be like, okay, hey, so listen, here's the deal. Here's what I'm gonna do. And like, yeah, I'm gonna act like a dick to you and like sort of ignore you, but there's a reason. And like, he didn't. He was just like, he'll figure it out. Like this weird,

act like a dick to a dick. What like he didn't. He was just like, he'll figure it out like this weird act like a dick. So what are you talking about? He gave him special privilege at every single turn. You wanted all the screen and the feeders that people watch for him to be like, hey, by the way, this is how it's all going to go. And I wouldn't have been very good for T.V. Chris. No, it would have have had TV, but it would have been good mentorship. For Harry. Instead of being like, Harry, like it was always like, wink and snuff. Like, like meanwhile, this kid's like, they're sending him out to die every movie. And it's like, why didn't someone pull him a sign and be like, Hey, buddy, so here's the deal.

You're probably going to die. Yeah, that's, and you have the review said, reviews were cinematography, storytelling, world-building, all great, mentorship, needs work. Zero. Like you're a fucking idiot. No, I think that somebody should have been like, Mr. Bottle, you're being set up for failure.

Dude, what are you talking about? You knew the whole time that this guy was after him. You're literally after him. You literally after the whole. You made it so much more complicated than it had to be. Like they could have been on the same page. It's hard to get. Yeah, they could have been on the same team in a whole time.

Dumbledore was like, see if he figures it out. If he doesn't, the whole world will die. His voice should have been like that too. I think the biggest loss was that his voice should have been like, Hey, Harry. I got something secret to tell you playing with this long air. Play with his beard like this.

Hey, Harry, father, I have the secrets. I was there in the chamber. Let me tell you how to skip. So we only do one movie. Yeah. You didn't need age. You didn't need age. Chris, your one critique of this film would have cost them billions of dollars. That's true. You will never be a studio exec.

I'll never be a studio exec. This podcast is the highest we'll ever get. It's just like, okay, exactly. This podcast is the highest we'll ever get. It's just like, okay, okay. At the end, I wish Harry Potter would have been like, hey, what the fuck? Like, why didn't you just tell me? Why didn't you just tell me about the Deathly Hollows and like, the Chamber of Secrets? Like, why'd you make Hermione have to like go on a scavenger hunt? And like, we had to like, like, lose a bunch of our friends. We could have nipped this in the bud a long time.

That's how I feel every year when I have to go look for Easter eggs. Uneaster. Tell us where they are. Just mom, just tell me where my basket is. Okay, all right. Thank you. Okay.

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on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, so Ella now has this plan. She's going to take all these tests. So she starts studying. They leave school to get tacos where she is joined by Val, Sav, and Easton, who are going to help her study. But before we get into that, this scene opens with Easton claiming he's not a nepo baby. He's arguing he's not a nepo baby. The girls are saying you are a nepo baby just because your father is rich. Automatically makes you a nepo baby, thoughts.

Well, I think a nepo baby, I mean, I think, isn't it just if your parent is in either like the industry that you want to work in, so it gives you a leg up because they are successful in it. So if he wants to be, you know, I don't know this guy yet, so I don't know what he wants to do. It's me. Oh, that's right. Oh, it's unique.

Hi, I'm the problem. But like, what do you want to be in life? What is your character want to be in life? Well, that's exactly his argument. He doesn't want to be anything. That's exactly his argument. So, your team easton, and that's all I wanted to get from this. Thank you. No, I think I wasn't quite there yet at all. Actually, I was thinking that the girls were kind of right

that anything he does want to do, he's going to have a leg up because it sounds like your little daddy is so successful that he could probably help you with anything. So maybe in that one. First of all, my daddy is huge. Calum is voiced by a guy that's like six foot four. Yeah, he had a crazy voice. I loved his voice.

Yeah, he's a crazy voice. I loved his voice. Yeah, he's an amazing voice. But yeah, Calum Royale, who's Eastern's father, is in luxury real estate. And I don't think Easton's going to be getting into a luxury real estate. Although he probably will end up cash in on that because I don't think he has many options in his face. Like you're not you go in a real estate. I do think nepotism has to be industry specific, but he's clearly, you know, they're referred to his vast amount of privilege. And like, you know, daddy's money got, got Eastern,

prevented him from getting kicked out of school. And like that doesn't happen to people without vast money and influence. And like, but they're all going to the Kov cove academy that has pepper alleys with pyrotechnics and disco balls and a pool and JJ Abrams coming in to teach a class about Star Wars. All their daddies have money. Well, maybe some of them are spirit scholarship recipients and they're. You want to play Secret?

That's right. That's a good point. That's a good point. Well, real quickly, as we're talking about money, and because we skipped a big plot point, which is that Dina is contesting the trust, and Ella is like, I don't care, I don't want the money, I don't want to be rich anyway.

Which is crazy, and I didn't know if that's true. So you would take this money? Of course, you would take this money? Of course, you take the money, dude. And like, you can like, because that money's going somewhere. And so you take it and then if you want to give it away, give it away, but like, you know, my thought, have you seen these gas prices? I would trust myself with it more than anyone else.

And life, like money does not make you happy But it makes makes life easier. It makes finding happiness easier Do you think Dina is doing it for the money? Yes, she trying to take money. Okay. Yeah, of course Follow the moon look at me like I'm like I'm an idiot, which you think she's doing it for fun or for shits and gigs? Shits and gigs is fun though. At least you have a different beverage. That's so funny. That's a completely different beverage than the one you've been drinking the entire podcast.

That's true. So listeners, she has been drinking out of a can look like a Le Croix maybe type situation and then out of nowhere the biggest thermos I've ever seen popped out of the corner of the screen somehow they got a handle on that thing. She's the weak. I saw this guy right before. Wow, she loves her liquid. How have you not had a tea here? Yeah, you weren't a diaper. I do wear a diaper just regularly, so that's that. But I just peed right before I got on this call out of respect for you guys, because if I'm peeing into the diaper, you can still hear it.

So I wanted to kind of avoid that. This thing is water, so I keep this full of water. So I've been kind of avoid that. This thing is water. So I keep this full of water. So I've been sipping on that and then what I normally like to have at this point of the day What is it? 230 is a Celsius to kind of keep me going In the morning I will have I'm trying to cut back. I really am but in the morning right now I have two lattes. I have a little little espresso at home. So I have two lattes, little mini ones, but like, you know, it's a shot in each. And then I'll drink water all day.

And then later at about three or four, not every day, but usually my day through Friday. I will have a Celsius. I was out. So I have these poppy drinks and they're a little like probiotic things that, you know, have no caffeine. So it's not really helping me at all. And I had this. So, yeah, that's kind of the beverage tour.

Thank you so much. And I think that about answers every question our listeners had. Yeah, have you guys ever had like a cool guest at your little teeny tiny school that you went to? No, no one even knew it was there. So, no. It was so small, including the teachers, They were like, I guess whoever the most

successful parent was of any kid that went there would probably be the most exciting guest in the pickup line. That's probably it. Were those your parents? Yeah, the hamstore parents. What's that mean? My little known fact, my parents own a hamstore, a honey baked ham in Rono, Virginia. So they would pick us up and it was very obvious because they had a lot of ham, you know, decorations on... not decorations, but you know, it was like what they have on pizza cars, like the little, you know, light-up thing on top. It was that, but it said honey-baked ham. And then my dad's license plate was to Ham man.

And my mom's license plate was ham-named as well. And then my license plate was to Hamman, and my mom's license plate was Hamd named as well. And then my license plate was Hamgirl, so which was not my choice, my, that was just the van. And so yeah, it was a lot of ham in the family. So no, but I would almost say that my parents were the least successful people in the school.

Wait a second, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a million and seven questions. What? Okay. Did you exclusively sell ham or were there other pork based products or like? That's a great question. We sold ham.

We sold so bone in or bone less ham. I could tell you literally anything. You need to know about any way. Damn, we sold turkey. We had turkey breast. We had roasted smoked turkey breast. We had caged turkey breasts, we had whole turkey breasts, we had pies and casseroles and bacon and just like really anything you would need for your holiday needs. Wow, is it a seasonal store? Is it still active? Still active, you can go go on by and

Rhono can visit the hamster. There are some honey baked tam's that are just seasonal but ours was does like sandwiches too so it's like the restaurant too and you would go wow it's big and catering like a lot of people they cater a lot of lunches to the hospitals and stuff they're basically like you know holding the fabric of society together what's it called honey baked ham that's the name of the store. Yeah, you just took the first thing that came to your mind. It's a franchise, so it's just one of them. They just called it ham. So they're tutoring Ella and then the pet rally happens and then it's over and her and Reed sort of share a moment.

And then she runs into Reed in the hallway and he's on the phone with Brooke. Bum bum bum bum. And to this point Ella thinks that Reed is Brooks Baby Daddy, which is scandal numero uno. And so she's like shouting at him and he's like, wait a second, getting this janitor's closet. Let's talk this out. Obviously.

Obviously the janitor's closet. Well, because she called him out in front of the whole school, clearly doing barsam, which was such a boss move. It reminds me of when I was moving into college for the first time, I was in the hallway meeting different kids that are also moving in. I'm gonna living in my dorm and my dad

who was kind of helping my mom set up the room, stepped out and goes, hey, son, here are the plastic sheets, just in case you wet the bed. And like screamed it out loud so everyone could hear. Were you a wetter at that time? Or is that just a now thing? No, he was playing a joke on me, Elise. I'm just checking. I have my dad. I think the only one who's continent on this call. This class president. president's something. But yeah, she pulls them into the janitor closet and this is, you know, this gets steamy. Steamy, steamy, beautiful.

Have you ever been pulling to the janitor's closet? And I was like, did you ever eat? Yeah, I don't even think I had my first kiss in high school or I guess I did but really late There's also like never enough room in these kind of janitor closets like I don't know what kind of walk-in ones that they're dealing with in a lot of TV shows and Movies but like I feel like the janitor's closet I knew it was like you open it and what you see is you know, it's just right there It's not really a walk-in situation, but they always seem to have enough room to go in there and almost bang. Well, it's a it's a cove academy. They take care of their janitors.

That's true In the janitors take care of them. That's true. It was a fun scene to shoot because like you know, it's all audio. So you're doing everything in a booth On a mic similar to like I'm doing right now, but then you have to sort of play with the distance and the physics of it with your voice and with your acting. And so that was cool to hear it come to life, to be like, oh, we're in a hallway and now we're in a closet and we're like face to face and you know, or having a moment. Were you guys like booth wise, close to where your booths next to each other, you're like in a

totally separate place. We're in the same booth, but we were facing forward. So like you sort of had to do like a crane your next situation to if you wanted to get some eye to eye contact. But they they took out all the intimate scenes between my character and Chris's character. Okay, I was wondering when those so like yeah, they took those out. They tested them for smaller audiences that didn't really go well. So that's so odd because you guys have such intense sexual chemistry. So I find that like so and we all know how we feel about incest at this point. So yeah, it's just like bizarre I guess for me

So they have some they had some sexy time she was like my heart was like whatever Oh, and she has her other guy that she didn't even want to call with his name Isaac or something did I make that up? Mm-hmm. No, you nailed it. No, you're right. It's Isaac. Okay, and she's like I don't even want to talk to him because he doesn't make me pulse Yeah, well listen, she's like, I don't even want to talk to him because he doesn't make me pulse. Yeah. Well, listen, it's a gift. And also, but this is also huge because this is the first time we get a bit of an explanation from Reed about his alleged affair with Brooke. And he's like, I, nothing happened. She forced herself on me. I don't know what happened. Like, truly had nothing to do with it. And for our viewers and listeners, this is like, this is the first time we're hearing his side of the story,

even just a touch. So it's a big moment. But then he sort of freaks out because she calls him out on the perfume thing, which is just wet your TV. Now I don't know what to think, because he did get really weird about that. But then I really believed him when he was saying that he didn't do anything but maybe that was just Chris' acting. Thank you. There's a reason for everything. Yeah, huge scene. He starts to redeem himself and then he looks so guilty but he also is straight up where there's like we belong together. I don't think, you know, he's been waiting a long time to say that. And then I like how she covers though.

She like, like you said, she acts like she doesn't care, but then Isaac calls and she's like, now I want that bad boy. I think she says I want, and they're ruined my life all over again. And then we play out to this song, I don't know if you heard the lyrics, but it's like nobody knows my places like you do

Oh What do you think they're talking about what do you think they're alluding to? Generous closets. No, they're talking about like Like you know the places where like that you've been in the past like on your on your GPS Like hamstores and little tiny high schools on your GPS. Like ham stores and little tiny high schools. Totally. It's like the like the Dr. Sus book, oh the places you've been. But she's talking about that.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, okay. I thought she was talking about. Read a book. Read a book. Read all my books. Read all my books. Lady parts.

No, you're disgusting. That's this podcast would never go there. No, it's not that steamy. Kudos to the writers, giving us a little cliffhanger, making us want to root for read and then pulling us right back away. Your character sucks sucks dude. How's that feel? I disagree. I think I my character is perfectly suited to keep you on the edge of your seat Yeah, then why's your hoodie smell like a woman don't dim my sparkle. All right. Oh I could never nick. It's just too blinding your sparkle. It's blinding. It's like too much already Well guys that's, takes us through the entire third episode. So I guess that means it's time for... Royal Decree.

Royal Decree. Here, here, here, here. Royal Decree. Chris, why don't you go for it? Okay, I'll go. Here's my Royal Decree. My Royal Decree is that I am as smart as an astrophysicist. And I'll tell you why. Yep, and here's I'm going to tell you why. So I was reading the Wall Street Journal this morning.

First of all, there's your first clue. So this astrophysicist decided to find the most efficient way to load passengers onto an airplane to limit weight times and lines and They were like this article was talking about how brilliant he is and he ran it for years and years and Literally I was getting so angry reading this article because I have been saying this for years For years that I know the most efficient way to load an airplane and it's exactly what this guy came up with with all these models and everything and It's very simple what you do is From you start back to front, but you start with the window seat people first So the window seat people go in and get in the window then middle seat and then aisle seat and I have Do that no they don't they don't yes and get in the window, then middle seat, and then aisle seat. And I have really not.

No, they don't. They don't do it. Yes, Jeff Lewis, boarding groups are by, if you have window seat, you're in an earlier boarding group. But, but they don't do it this way, okay? I read the article. Anyway, I came up with this years ago, some astrophysicists had to run computer models and shit,

something I figured out while I was at a Hudson news, bitching and moaning about the fact that people don't have any good airplane line etiquette because they stand in front of the fucking thing when their group isn't ready, but they're like, oh, my group's coming up and it's a get out of the God damn way. That's a lot of work. It's literally going to be my royal decree, not this, not about the astrophysicist. Okay.

But about these people with the lines. So you've been... Okay, take it. No, no, I'm done. I know. Take it. What is it? Well, maybe this is too similar, but this was literally what I was thinking

because I just got back from Minnesota. And I have been losing my mind over... Like, my thing used to be that I would get really irritated when people would stand as soon as the plane lands, especially if you're in the very, very, very back. If you're not... If you're someone on the side or in the aisle My thing used to be that I would get really irritated when people would stand as soon as the plane lands, especially if you're in the very, very back. If you're someone on the side or in the aisle where you can just pop up, like sure, why not? But people who would get out of the seat to go stand in the middle where I'm like,

hey, we're not going to be off this plane for 30 minutes. This is just not something that you should be doing. But now, it's that I can't even tell when they start boarding who is group one or two or three because everyone is standing there. So because the other day I had actually paid to upgrade to be in group two, okay. On some country. On some country.

I can't see. I got a free complimentary beverage except I paid $20 for the seat. So that is a $20 drink. Okay. And I was like, so excited because I'm gonna be group two. And I was like, so excited, because I'm going to be group two. So I'm like standing there, but there's such a line already, and we're just beginning to board.

And so I'm like, wait, this is not how this should be going. Like, I'm royalty like I paid for this, so I should be actually, you guys should all be sitting. So then finally, like, taps on, I'm like, oh, sorry, you group two, and she's like, oh, I'm group five, but I'm just waiting. And I'm like, so I couldn't even tell who is what group because they're all just there. And, and they're standing now by the person who checks the ticket when you walk on.

So you can't even tell when to go, when not to go. I'm like, hey, we're all going in the same place. Why don't you actually just follow the system that they have in place and sit down and go when it's actually your group. Period. Unacceptable behavior. Unacceptable. I could not agree with you more. It is one of my largest pet peeves of all time. And so I always used to just sit and just wait till the very end. Because I'm like, I'm not going to stand up and wait in line. Hey, the seats already picked. It's not like you're going to get a better seat if you go on early. I will say though, since I've started figuring out how to travel with carry on,

like only carry on and not checking my bag, there is something to be said about. Like if you got to be able to put your back up and there's no space left, then you, you're screwed, then you have to check it and then you have to wait. But like the crowding of the thing, like move aside, move aside, you're not fooling anybody, you're not like, you're not saving any time, you're wasting every once in a time and everyone hates you.

Yeah. You know, it's funny, I had a different royal decree coming into this, but I'm gonna change it up, just based on what you're saying. I think that you see the worst in people when they're at the airport and traveling. So my Royal decree is before you marry your partner or decide to be with them on any type of extended basis,

you must first travel with them. Yes. You will know everything you need to know about them and you will break up on the airplane back. What are some of your red flags in airline travel, Nick? Everything you guys just said standing up as soon as you land but also clapping when you land. Bizarre. Not into that. I mean, I listen, I'm all about supporting. I'm super all about supporting. Well, you're an idiot

But I'm all about so they're doing their job. Okay This isn't spirit airlines. Okay, it's not like you're taking a This was coming from an actor who expects applause when he's done doing his job like this guy just transported when he's done doing his job. Like this guy just transported 200 people in the 30,000 feet in the air and dropped them safely on the ground across the country. Yeah, it's incredible. It's incredible.

There's doctors that bring people back to life. They only got a pause for like two months during COVID. Nobody claps for them now. I still do it at 7 p.m. every night. People think I'm insane. Every night since comies I get on my And I just clap for those doctors First we live we live really close together and every night at 7 o'clock. I hear a pop banging

The window always always Chris. I did love that like during that time We wrapped in like doctors with like Uber delivery like Uber eats delivery drivers. It's like they are all equally heroes and it's like brain surgeons yeah and the guy that's like me my pet guy. I'm a doctor who's like I just ran like so many tests to build an antidote to this virus and this guy's like, I was like 20 years of school. Yeah. It's like both very brave different levels in my opinion.

Listen, when I'm hung over and I get that burrito, that is like God's work. So I think that you're there the same. So are you saying you just start applauding for your Uber driver? You're a blogging on there. If you don't do meet it, if you do meet at door, there should be a meet at door and there should be a meet at door with a pause. And you can choose and they can be okay with what they want. Or I could just say, leave outside the door, you know, which means I'm not going to applaud them that day, you know, But they should also have an option to.

I would like you to meet me at the door with applause. And I'd say that's fair. And I would give them a applause. Sure. And there should also be a meet at door, NEAT, when when you open the door, they feed you finely-shaped pieces of meat. And people have said that.

Honey baked ham. Honey baked ham. They give you honey baked ham. Yep. That deserves a lot. That's that full circle moment. These are the full circle. Well guys, those are some really great row of the crees.

And I think that about wraps us up for this episode. Elise, thank you so much for joining us. You are so, so, so special to me. I love you so, so much. I think you are one of the funniest people I know, even though you're very mean to me. Do you have anything coming up that you want to pitch or shout out or tell us where where people can find you on social media? Okay, so you can follow me on it's Elise Patton on all platforms. It's ITS EILISEPATTON on everything. And then I have a show on the 14th with actually this guy right here at Chris Cafero.

Oh my gosh. Where is that at? It's at UCB Theatre in Los Angeles, UCB Franklin. It's called Potluck at 8.30. At least it's gonna be doing some sketch work on a show hosted by me and my lady Natalie. And it's gonna be a lot of fun. And I think Nick Cafferro might be making a guest appearance as well if I'm not mistaken. We'll see. I was not asked to be a performer,

but I might slip my way on the stage anyway. Yeah, well you've been doing it for the last 15 years, no one asked you. So I stopped now. Oh yeah, but thanks for watching it. All right. For fun. A royal tata. Tata.

Tata everybody. you